#(( servant you were just friends calm down 😭 ))

[ask-servant]

how do you spend your time nowadays?

“Ah, I don’t do very much these days.. I just eat and go on a few walks with Kumo if I’m being honest. I haven’t seen Kamukura in quite some time.. perhaps, he got fed up with me. I can’t deny that I’m a bit upset with such events to occur. I was hoping that I wouldn’t be a disappointment to him, but he gets quite bored of things. I suppose, I’ve become one of those things he’s lost interest in.”

#⛓ Servant Answers ⛓ #(( my kamukoma brainrot screaming at me for making servant sad over his potential bf )) #(( servant you were just friends calm down 😭 ))

[ruminate88]

Why You Grieve Someone So Hard Who Is Still Alive:

The thing about emotional abuse is, that person you were with was wearing an image with you disguised as “perfect”. I literally believed my ex was a “perfectionist” the way he talked about his school work, his work life and the way he presented himself on Facebook, was “too good to be true.” Even his LinkedIn profile portrays him as this successful and well respected person….

In reality, he’s got a lot of issues to work out. The way he would treat me when I would confront him just to share my feelings of concern for “our well being” See, I was on “our team”. Not my own alone, I included him into my feelings and daily routines. I set aside private and personal time for him to be able to unpack his stress, I wanted to know about his day and I wanted to take care of him BUT he could not do the same for me. He kept up this “image” even when he was inflicting pain on me and isolating me too.

Sadly I could not see right through his fascade because I was too close to him intimately, I was looking at the things I wanted to see. Everyone around me saw the red flags and kept trying to be brutally honest with me!! I would post every Monday a “photo of him for man crush Monday” on instagram but strangers would make comments to me, “That guy doesn’t love you!” I would get super defensive and upset because Andrew was telling me “I love you with all my heart and soul.” Andrew refused to break up with me any time I confronted his behavior and my feelings scared him!!

When I would send long paragraphs to Andrew’s phone, expressing my heart felt commitment and concerns for our relationship, he always replied with short replies that felt like he was uneasy with me. I tried to reassure him so many times and create a safe space for him to be in.

Often Andrew would cry to me how stressful school was, how hard he was studying and trying to please his parents but it was “too hard.” I would say whatever words of encouragement I could, I would try to support him but it was never enough. He would scream to me how busy he is and tired so I would offer to break up and give him space cuz I felt he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but when I would say “let’s just be friends and you can focus on school it’s ok” he would get overly irritated with me and be so cold and tell me I was making it worse. So I felt like nothing I did or said made him happy. He would make me feel like he didn’t want me to text him and that I was bothering him but he kept responding every time and the way he would get so defensive over me offering to “breaking up” made me hope that a part of him did “love me”. I kept giving him an easy exit but he stayed. 3 times I asked if he wanted to break up to focus on “school” and he always promised me he didn’t want to break up with me… that confused me!!! 🥴

I realize now it was never about him loving me, it was he didn’t wanna lose his servant. He didn’t wanna lose his toy. I was always kissing his feet begging for him to use me up cuz I was obsessed in trauma bond with him and even though he probably had other girls thinking they were his main lover, I thought that too and he couldn’t lose any of his toys. He plays with hearts for sure. 😭

But he would randomly give me little crumbs of affection and make me feel like all the stress and drama was worth it. When he would act outrageously towards me with stress and frustration, I would lie to myself and say “he’s just gotta finish this book report and then he’ll calm down and we’ll be happy again.” Ugh 😞 I lied to myself so much!!

cuz even after we broke up and he finished his sophomore year, he’s home now for the summer and we’re “friends” but he’s still abusing me. He went back to his summer job and he still had the same stress with me just different excuses AND he still was dropping me crumbs of affection …

I physically broke these cycles but mentally I’m still strung out addicted to his face and name. I HATE IT but it’s a high every time I think I see him or hear his name, my heart races and I’m transported back to the moments when he dropped me crumbs of “love and happiness”. Because we had moments of “heaven”. He would pretend to be the greatest lover I had…. But it was pretend. I’m trying to not forget the bad times because there was way more bad times than good with him!!! HIGHS AND LOWS. There was never any in betweens with him. ❤️‍🩹

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