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katyawriteswhump · 2 months

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the power of love part 8 (steddie, stobin, steve whump fic)

Steve has a habit of surviving near death experiences then getting sick for no reason. And Eddie and those fatal bat bites? After an impossible feat of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from Steve, he’s mysteriously fixed. So, Eddie’s back to being banished, this time with Steve and Robin in tow. Eddie’s healing, but Steve isn’t… and life gets even more confusing, when Eddie develops feelings for Steve, which aren’t entirely unrequited.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

(also on AO3 here where it's still in need of love, if anybody is feeling kind *sobs* ;))

Chapter Eight

Eddie POV continued

“You kissed? And now you can’t wake him?” Robin perches beside Steve on the bunk then rounds on Eddie—genuinely baring her teeth. “I shouldn’t leave you alone with him. It’s like you’re cursing him or something.”

“Woah! Are you accusing me of satanist shit now?” Eddie stops pacing the floorboards, claws his hair.

“Steve? Steve! Oh God, please!” She gently pats him, sinks her face into a hand. “Sorry, Eddie. It’s just… totally unexplainable.” She looks up sharply. “That’s exactly what we should be looking for, right?”

“The unexplainable?” Robin nods. “I should be dead. Steve should be bright and breezy—”

“—and it’s not anything to do with the Upside Down.”

Eddie hums uneasily. Should he share the new theory he’s got brewing? “I dunno. It blows to be a cynic, but—"

“Come on, Eddie! There are so many other possible explanations. If the Upside Down is real, who knows what else is? You’re a maestro of the D and D underworld—work with me here.”

They bounce ideas off each other, including that Steve might’ve succumbed to bad beer. Neither of them buy that one.

“Maybe Steve has some sort of regenerative power,” she says, “like Doctor Who. And you’re leeching it out of him, or something.”

Eddie hoots: “It’s my fault again?”

“No! Look, I sometimes get kinda papa grizzly where Steve is concerned, which is odd, because otherwise, I have almost zero protective instinct. We can’t deny the pattern, though—last time you two got mouth to mouth, he performed miracles and then went downhill fast. This time, uh…”

“I slurped the life out of him again?” Eddie sinks down on the opposite bunk. He thinks back to the kiss, which had been so mind-blowingly awesome. Until it wasn’t. Time to test his number one sucks-balls-squared theory of the day.

He slowly peels his shirt—or, rather, Steve’s now extremely grubby t-shirt—off over his head.

“Ew! Save it for the boys, Munson.”

He runs his palm across his midriff, glances over his shoulder, then hurries closer to the window for better light. Holy shit. “I was still covered in scars yesterday. Even earlier today, there was too much pink among the ink. Now there’s diddly-squat.”

“So, Steve is still healing you?”

Eddie scrunches the shirt and hurls it across the room. “Yeah, and at this rate, my payback’s gonna kill him! We’ve been so fixated on Steve—what if I’m somehow a font of crappy juju? The big bad wolf the whole world believes I am, after all.”

“No.” Robin strokes Steve’s arm. Eddie’s dying to be close to him, too. Shit, he doesn’t dare! “It’s the water. It gives him some kind of power, and he’s passing it on to you. I mean, it doesn’t explain everything, but…”

Eddie retrieves his shirt, grabs her lifeline and clings to it. “It’s as good an explanation as any.”

“Ooooh!” She turns super-excited. “Perhaps there are fairies in Lover’s Lake? Water nymphs? Or aliens landed there! I’m still mightily suspicious about those clouds and the choppers, because—”

“This is getting absurd, Robin.” She sneers at him, shrugs anyhow. “Look, if we buy the lake theory, what can we do about it? It’s not like we can drag him there. We left the car practically in the next county, and he’s too sick.”

“I could fetch water and bring it back here?”

“Given my recent form, I think it’s best for you to stay with him. Eddie the Banished will don his armour and head once more into the breach.”

“Shakespeare? You listened in English Lit?”

Eddie puffs out his chest, conjuring a bravado he so doesn’t feel. “Still gonna be my year, Buckley.”

His armour is chiefly the shelter of the forest, during several hours of tedious trek. He cycles the last part of his journey, pulling his bandana over his face. When he makes radio contact with Dustin, however, his journey feels more than worth it.

Eddie arranges a meet with the Wheelers at Skull Rock. At least, he believes he does. Dustin communicates in one of his more baffling codes. Eddie is blown away, therefore, when he spots his fave lil’ dude approaching their liaison spot. Dustin defiantly wears his Hellfire Club t-shirt, despite everything.

Dustin throws down his crutches. Eddie rushes forward and flings his arms around him.

“Eddie! You son-of-a-bitch! You scared me so much!”

“Yeeeah, I was pretty scared myself.” Eddie hugs him tight, squeezes his eyes tighter. Tears leak anyhow. “But I’m alive and…” He pulls back, drinks up the sight of Dustin, who sniffs and rubs his red face. “God, it’s good to see you.”

Somebody clears their throat. Eddie jumps a good two inches in the air.

“Hey.” Nancy Wheeler stands a few yards off, offering a sheepish wave, which Eddie returns.

It’s not really surprising she’s there. Someone had to give Dustin a ride, and help him limp through the woods. Sitting beneath the rock, the three of them discuss possible explanations for wtf is going on with Steve.

“Okay, let me get my head around this,” she says. “You think Steve derives some sort of regenerative power from Lover’s Lake? And he’s sick? Right now?” She frets her lip. “I should go to him.”

“Uuuuuh, no need. We’re coping all right.” Eddie almost laughs out loud at how badly he doesn’t want her anywhere near Steve. He’d never in his wildest dreams have believed he would go toe-to-toe as a love rival with Nancy Wheeler.

She shakes her head. “There’s gotta be a connection with the Upside Down. This is bad. Really bad.”

“Not necessarily,” says Dustin. “I like Eddie’s hypothesis. There’s no logical reason why all the supernatural shit in this town, let alone this world, is evil.”

“It was Robin’s hypothesis,” admits Eddie.

“Whatever,” says Dustin. “If a bad alternate dimension can bleed into ours, maybe a good dimension can too.”

“I suppose,” said Nancy. Eddie nearly agrees with her, but can’t quite be that gracious. “Either way, if that lake fixes Steve somehow, we need to act quick.”

Nancy heads off to collect lake water. Once she’s gone, Eddie feels able to share his other Steve-related issue: “Didn’t want to divulge this in front of Wheeler, but… Uh, Steve and I got mouth-to-mouth again.”

“You had to perform CPR on him? I had no idea you knew—”

“There’s other reasons that lips meet.” Eddie puckers his lips and crosses his eyes, totally silly.

Dustin stares at him, his mouth hanging open. “Oh!”

“Yeah. Theeeeen… he basically passed out.”

“Whut?”

“Look, don’t ask me to explain it! I mean, I like him. I really like him. Equally implausible, I think he likes me, but…” Aargh! His feelings for Steve are more tortuous than pleasurable right now. What’s more, the distance between them makes armouring his heart a teeny-weeny bit easier.

“But?” Dustin bobs up and down on his butt.

“If I’m making him sicker, I should make myself scarce. I still wonder if I’m the bad apple here. Flayed… or whatever. It would neatly continue the sordid tale that is my life. Plus, if Hopper’s back, I bet he can get Steve off the hook for aiding and abetting, or whatever. Steve can go home, get the help he needs.”

“Hopper’s got his own problems, dude.” Dustin scratches his head beneath his baseball cap, kinda nervy. “There’s this army colonel in town, O’Sullivan, who’s pretty much Vecna levels of evil. He knows about Brenner and Hawkins Lab, and… Long story, cut short. He’s out to kill Eleven.”

“You gotta be shitting me!”

“That was my line when I found out. Hopper and El are hiding out, waiting for a safe opportunity to get outta Dodge. The band of the banished gets bigger every day.”

“Well, this exile should return to being a solo act. Steve and I absolutely would not work in the real world.”

“Huh?” Dustin wrinkles his nose. “You’re different—that’s what makes it fun. Even Suzie and I don’t like all the same music, for example. She’s got a real downer on Debbie Gibson.”

“Then maybe I should date Suzie,” mumbles Eddie, avoiding Dustin’s scrutiny. “In reality, Steve and I are from different planets. I’ve seen his house—his folks are loaded.”

“You can’t hold Steve’s parents against him. They’re literally never there for him. His Dad travels tons, and they stopped taking him with him when he was, like, eleven, because…” Dustin’s jaw drops again.

“Because what?” prompts Eddie.

“Steve stopped travelling with his parents because he started getting sick every time.”

“So, he got travel sick. So do tons of kids. So what?”

“I honestly don’t know! But it supports your theories concerning his proximity to the lake. Sort of.” Dustin whacks his cap against the rock. “Jesus-mother-effing-son-of-a-bitch! I am literally dying to return to a world where I can trust the laws of science.”

Steve POV

1979

Getting himself up in the morning, getting himself to the school bus-stop alone—that only sucked.

It was the emptiness of the night that freaked him out.

Steve stayed up too late, of course he did. He was nearly twelve years old, with nobody to tell him what to do. He ate sweets and watched grown-up television, which got boring pretty fast. When he finally plucked up the courage to go to bed, he’d huddle under the covers, muffling his ears. It never drowned out that horrible, screaming quiet.

Who knew silence could be so loud?

He missed his mom, and it hurt, too. Knowing she chose to leave him behind.

He’d hated travelling, because in the last year, he’d always got ill. Like, not just travel sick, but fevers and chills and headaches and stomach cramps, always “ruining” his father’s trips.

Inevitably, his dad decreed that he must stay behind, and the first couple of times, his mom stayed home with him. Then she’d told him his father needed her more. What did that even mean? Steve really, really needed her, simply to be there. Somewhere in the house.

She wasn’t.

The hours would stretch on, while he was too scared to close his eyes, until…

The monsters barged out of the closet, rioting through his nightmares. Then THEY arrived, with their smooth, smiling face and whirlpool eyes. That wordlessly singing voice, trickling through the waters, reassuring him everything would be all right…

In the morning, shuffling to the bus-stop, he remembered them. Clearer than the monsters, even. Oh man, he could be so childish and unhip sometimes.

“Steve? Steve! Please wake up! You’ve been asleep for hours.”

A groan escapes him, and then: “Momma?” Somehow, he knows it’s not her. “Dad?”

He opens his eyes.

Oh shit.

No, that’s not where his life is now. He’s sure as hell not eleven-years-old! Robin looks faintly amused, and also like she wants to thump him: “Gonna give you a pass on that this once, Steve, then go bleach my brain.”

Part 9

...

tags: @estrellami-1 @kal-ology (thank you, thank you, thank you!) If anybody else would like to be tagged on this fic or any of my writing, please let me know :) Reblogs, comments and likes also very much appreciated :) Thank you for reading so far :)

(also part of my steve whump fic series on AO3)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 10 Part 11

#steddie #steddie fic #steve harrington whump #steve x eddie #steddie fanfic #steve harrington x eddie munson #stranger things fanfic #steve harrington #eddie munson lives #eddie x steve #eddie munson #platonic stobin #stobin #stobin fic #stobin friendship

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dylansslutt · 9 months

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judas kiss / t.s

part three of dishonest (mini series)

authors note// hi thank you so much for your feedbacks, if i have anything unfinished yall really want another part too please lmk bc i literally have lots of ask/request or even things ive started up & forgot ab or have in my drafts. butt i am going through and finishing out some stuff, i just took a vacation and rlly needed some me time... BUT IM BACK BITCHES!!!

also... holy shit a thousand something followers!!!! thank you guys seeing the endless love and support of my writings has boosted me into starting my own book series ... but thats for another spill. thank you again for following me on my journey of my shitty writings to my development.

i got this tip thing working, i do work full time & go to school so any tips are welcomed and appreciated but either way ty all.

anywhore here is the third part/ im thinking final part as well. let your imagination think of the end... unless too many of yall want more.

tag list: @allie131313 @casa-boiardi

summary: lying about your identity, leads you face to face with the one and only thomas shelby. as chaos unravels much more surfaces as well.

staring in the mirror, feeling the old, yet the familiar feeling of a silk night gown cascading down your body. remembering the time lasted only for a mere few years. years you weren’t happy. the bruises were faded mainly, except the slight pain in your ribs still.

taking small pain killers help.

the day has left you tired leaving the rest of the clothing in the corner of the room. laughing almost as you take in the fact; he really did get you some new clothes. as well as being kind of enough to grab some of your own from your apartment.

which you were notified was absolutely trashed, yet hidden away you found a picture. one of you, your mum and sister. so young... so innocent. the memories of everything was building up.

the gown fit you nicely though, the cloth was soft and comfortable. something you almost forgot what felt like, since being alone on the run . glancing over at the clock noticing it was getting late.

biting your lip softly, things mule over in your head. how thomas was and if maybe, just maybe you two met under a different circumstance. hell even just a re-do of your meetings.

ignoring it as your hair gets tucked behind your ear. deciding to leave this room and not be cooped up.

as you step out, your eyes flicker down the hall. movements halting as your mind comes more clear. he was right there in that room.

the room you’ve seen him enter a mere few times. the light flickers through the crack of the door. it was there. right in front of you.

hand never leaving the door knob, biting your lip in deep thought. happy he got you your clothes from home, as well as a few new items. must’ve gotten help from a lady because there’s no way he chose these alonesome.

shaking these thoughts your feet spring into action. hand beside you now as your focus was on where he was. fist raising to knock on the ajar door. it swings open wider, creaking slightly as thomas sets some papers down.

smoke still in hand as his eyes lift to yours, exhaling the smoke from his lips. he lifts it back up, inhaling again taking in the sight of you. in more different clothing than anything he has seen before. work uniform, one little outfit, and his clothing. you looked good, stunning in a way.

he was as he usually was, expect a bit more exposed.

the anger still present when your wounds become more visible, thankfully more faint now. he’s already sent john to deal with that particular matter, but now he had to deal with some stuff tonight.

“got to look at the stuff, thank you.” giving him a small smiling, trying to make this attempt for a better start forward. needing time to plan future things as your mind hasn’t had a hint of peace.

he nods licking his lips, ashing in the tray.

“can’t have you walking around naked, can we?”

the joke brought a smile small to your lips, as your head thinks about the picture. unaware if he knew it was there or if someone else did the work. his focus is back on the papers making you step in. taking in this private study he enchants himself too; felt like him.

biting your lip softly, the sight of him before you has your mind in another place. he looks like something you saw only moments before. a mirror image of yourself. less battered and bruised on the outside though, yet he was tired. his eyes red, the bottle out in the open. he was more open, more vulnerable.

“y/n?”

you shake your head, a blush crosses your cheeks. “sorry. what ya’ say?”

he holds back his emotion, but his attention is now yours. “i’ve gotta meeting tonight, tomorrow some more to do. until then just stay here, out of harms way for the love of god.”

he stands up and stares at you. your lip ends up between your teeth, feeling a bit nervous. he didn’t sound so serious so fierce, he sounds exhausted. as you were to even fight back, which he noticed.

“if you are up by the time i get home, we should talk.” your eyes narrow at his words, nodding slightly. hands coming up to brush your hair back once more.

“just knock on my door when you get back, thomas.”

with that you open the cracked door wider, rushing out of the room. everything felt too tense too unsettling in there. only when his footsteps become noticeable, you realize he was following you.

heart racing as you reach halfway down the hall, nearing the stairs. for a moment, your eyes flicker to the front door.

the thought crosses your mind. ignoring it as you continue to ‘your’ room desperate that he isn’t actually following. that he would walk himself down those stairs instead.

as you reach the door his presence was there, the defeat leaves you. turning around to face him. his face was inches from yours. something deep in his eyes as he pushes the door open.

“thomas?”

the door closes behind you as he is now only standing in front of you, a heave in his chest almost. “their dead, alright? the men from that night, their gone.”

your eyebrows furrow in confusion, “wh-why are ya’ tellin’ me this?” he comes forward cupping your cheek. the look in his eye is something you’ve seen before. loss.

staying still in his embrace, “i-i don’t want ya’ scared of me... for some fuckin’ reason.”

the confession made your mouth shut completely. “i don’t want ya’ scared at all.” it didn’t feel exactly true but it what was easiest for him to say.

that was until he pulls you onto his lips. hands landing on his chest, mouth moving with his out of instinct. pulling away as you push him back slightly. staring into the eyes of a loss man, knowing this could end terribly.

your chest rises and falls quickly, “i- told ya-”

“tell me to stop then, y/n.” the deep stare between you two leaves something rattling inside of you.

“i-i get your past. i know mines fucked, but i-...” you trail off biting the inside of your cheek for a moment. the internal debate ends with him pushing forward.

lips on his he pulls you close, your hands around his neck as you both fall back on the bed straddling him. his hands push against your back, deepening the kiss. the hold on you wasn’t harsh, just tight possessive like. as if you were to disappear at any moment.

pulling away for air, his lips trail from your cheek to your neck. the giggle escapes your lips involuntarily, and for a moment thomas sighs. not of boredom and displeasure but of relief.

it made your heart swirl because you felt it too. the non-serious feeling of this. even though it wouldn’t last, it felt real for the moment.

his hand slips down from your waist onto your thighs. eyes flickering back up at you. your hands tug at his shirt, him taking the hint to remove it. the bare chest was there and now you could really look at it.

“thomas.”

his hand grips the back of your neck, pulling you into a kiss. he flips you over and he holds himself up against you. your back against the bed, other hand trailing between your thighs, you just as desperate for his touch.

he lifts the gown up slowly, teasing you with his touch. his head drops into the crane of your neck, kissing it softly before tugging your panties down softly. a soft gasp escapes you and he whispers something in your ear.

“so fuckin’ beautiful.”

your eyes roll back as he swirls your clit, the sensation incredible. “fuck.”

“taste good too.”

he enters a finger before he slowly moves his body down. his motion was slow and you whine when he leaves you. looking down seeing him between your thighs now, inches from you. his eyes flicker up, the blue prominent.

“impatient ay’?” your hand flies into his hair. trying to ignore the urge to roll your eyes,

“did ya’ forget that already?”

without another word his tongue swirls around you, a soft moan leaves you. he continues but slowly adding a finger. your calves press into his shoulders more, leaving his tongue to move slightly faster.

“oh th-” he slides another finger in making your words cut short, back arching off the bed slightly. giving him access to push your gown up above your breast. his hand comes back down around your thighs, feeling them shake around him.

unable to take it anymore your hand pushes at his head, but he holds it down instead. speeding up as your stomach drops, a moan leaving your throat. liquid coats his fingers and tongue as he stands up completely.

“do ya’ love anyone y/n?” the question caught you off guard. your breathing uneven coming down from your high; his pants drop and your body felt even more turned on.

“never really had a chance to experience love. probably doesn’t exist.” you confess the mere summary as you spread your shaky legs. his grip on them tightens, moving you closer to him.

he stares down at you in a way that you truly didn’t understand. “i like ya’, ms.solomons.” he confesses as he spits down on you. the action so dirty, but the confession so clean.

“just y/n, thomas.” the intent was known and he kisses your knee before moving. the feeling of him entering you slowly, made you grip his arm that held your waist.

“i sometimes-” you stutter out as he rocks against you slowly, fighting to keep your eyes open.

“i sometimes like to believe it could be true.”

he leans forward, the angle deeper than before as he kisses you deeply. his free hand coming to cup your jaw. his hips pick up speed leaving you a moaning mess in his mouth.

he was gentle, taking in what you reacted too. this wasn’t your first time but he felt as if you were innocent in a way. your eyes flicker up to him before you tug your dress over your head.

leaving you both completely exposed, “it’s true.” he confesses pulling away, turning holding you up against him as he lays down. your knees against the bed as he bucks up into him.

“ya’ crazy mr.shelby.” he pushes your hips down even more leading to the familiar feeling arise again. your nails sink in his shoulder, biting your lip clinging to him.

“say’s the one who’s dead.” you try to get a witty remark out but your orgasm spreads, feeling yourself starting to clench.

“yet ya’ look so fucking alive around me.” the wetness spreads down your thighs as he doesn’t let you go. “m-maybe i feel alive- with ya’.” the deep moan leaves you, the feeling of your bare chest touching had you in a whirl.

he’s buried deep in you as you cling to him, almost in tears overstimulated. you beg him. “tho-thomas. i-”

“so fuckin’ good.” his his shake slightly, as he leans back staring into your eyes. “do you trust me?” at how you were feeling you’d trust anything. your eyes flutter but you nod.

he stutters into you as his releases inside you making your eyes widen. pulling back panting as his eyes connect with yours. two different looks.

“wh-what did you do?”

“do ya’ trust me?” the logic in the room was clearly not there because without a second thought you nod again. he kisses you softly, “be mine. stay alive and i promise ya’ everything you could need.”

you pull yourself out of him, wincing at the feeling. your eyes stare into his, as the covers surround you,

“but you don’t love me.”

his eyes drop slightly, “i can see somethin’ in you. i need someone like ya’, think of this as something good.” you feel so exposed staring at him in disgust. “ya’-ya’ just came in me, who knows if i’ll get pregnant! thi-this is not gonna end well. what the fuck were ya’ thinking?”

“what the fuck was i thinkin’? oh my go-”

he sits up, “i’m thinking fuckin’ smart! ya’ know this shit, i am rising y/n, i need a wife and i need someone who can be that wife.” you stare at him and stop for a moment. it cut off your overthinking for a moment.

it wouldn’t be real but it could be. yet either way you could be safe... you could be free of being on the run. you could be alive.

“i need to think on it? i-i can have your answer tonight.” your words tremble slightly as you slip your gown on, facing away from him. “hey.” his hand lands on your shoulder.

your flinch makes him wince, scooting closer to you. covered up with the sheets. “i haven’t asked just anyone this question. this is fuckin’ insane but i-i do like ya’. we can figure this shit out because you know it’s true.”

“you need me just as much as i need you.” you mutter as a small smile appears on your lips, “i need a shower for a fact and nap thomas. you have somewhere to be, should get going.”

his hand leaves yours taking your hint, “i’ll knock on your door tonight. get some rest.”

after he redresses and the door closes behind him, the tears stream down your cheeks. you wanted him but you were so scared and conflicted.

your answer was yes from the moment you realize he was as stubborn as you but you were now a ghost.

you were laid down, the candles still lit allowing thomas to see your image. he walks closer but you were barely asleep. he sits down beside you and sighs heavily.

he doesn’t know you’ve woken up, and his energy was strong. you figured thomas shelby out and for a man to keep you around long enough...

you knew from the beginning you liked this man, but being ‘dead’ has made you believe any. any of that type of thing was impossible. slowly you turn over, facing the man who stares ahead.

“eric is tryin’ to be a political man. if ya’ know alfie, imagine a sickenin’ no good bastard times a billion.... as him.” the words made thomas sit a bit straighter. you felt vulnerable now, half asleep tucked into a new home.

you had to give a answer.

“i’ve looked him up, he isn’t much and from what i’ve heard. alfie really doesn’t give two fucks for him.” the way he settles his sentence lets you know that eric is no threat. to you or himself in any aspect.

“charlie’s mother, i-i won’t ask you to speak of her.” you sit up now, thomas takes in your sleepy appearance. “if i take on that boy as my own. i will love and teach him as my own, but you have to tell me about her so he can know his true mother.”

your eyes swell up slightly. “she won’t be forgotten in your mind ever, i know that. so let me learn, let me be there for you so i don’t go crazy. so i-i can do better...”

the words hit thomas and he only shifts to maintain his composure. you don’t notice since your emotional more so, but he knows he did right choosing you.

“i have a story, everything about how to make you ‘undead’ since your job at it wasn’t the best.” that made your eyes look up at him. “i know ya’ can’t be her, but i do have some’ towards you.”

his hand reaches out to cup your face. “she wanted some of the stuff you did as well...”

the deep stare was all that was needed, you let this moment last. he was gone when he lost her. loosing her was loosing apart of himself. you accepted it because you truly knew love was not meant for you in this lifetime.

slowly breaking the moment, lips almost trembling but your composure well gathered now. “if we do this- ya’ can’t treat or make me out to be some fool of a house wife. i-i’m more than that and i’ll be damned to be one of your puppets.”

moving out of his reach makes you ache for it more yet thomas sees something within you. you were sorta like polly sometimes. strongly determined woman.

“ya’ help me stay together, ya’ help me keep this household together... my family together and whatever ya’ want is yours.” flickering from each eye, he awaits your response and you nod.

“i agree, to be your wife. i agree to hold your secrets, now for i wish to get rid of the jewish ways though... go back to the gypsie ways. please.” your desperation was without notice and he kisses you.

kissing you felt like kissing grace.

setting down the glass of whiskey, your eyes train along the inside courier. everything was simple, everything was different. charles was taken to bed not too long ago, you didn’t see much of him but it made you think.

too take on this responsibility was what you were raised for. yet you ran from it because eric was a vile man... so is thomas. your heart aches though due to the surprising feeling erupting yourself; that you may just like the man ever so slightly.

with your past and his it felt like you both being so fucked up, it could work? sighing heavily and grabbing the glass once more. the liquid slips down your throat as you enjoy the peace of true alone time.

telling his maid, well lady of help to head to sleep since you were up. if charles was to awake you could handle it or if need be. get her up. charles really ponders through your mind, for you would be like a mother.

you could be his mother, yet you would never wanna replace his true mother. what was she even like? what did she view or believe? what the hell did she see in thomas shelby?

he said she was a bit like you, in what fucking way?

you move and see her painting and you looked nothing of her. she looked of class and elegance, some real princess shit. you didn’t compare to that, so what motive was this?

make me alive again, was this his plan? biting your lip you throw back the remaining liquor. rolling your eyes at the empty cup, you head towards the kitchen.

smiling to yourself of the kindness that francis left out the bottle for you. moving forward you almost reach the counter but you were hit over the head. your body hit the ground harshly, the glass breaking surrounds you.

it flashes back to the moments of your mothers death. yet before you could react you were hit again, and the darkness overtook you.

you awoke in a moving vehicle, head pounding your face contorts in displeasure. trying to focus your vision, your eyes land on a priest as well as a few other men.

“hello miss solomons.” the priest smiles wickedly and you stare back unfazed, or atleast as much as you could appear.

“well you see, there’s so many ways this here can go. yet as of right now, you are actually of great use.” his tone menacing and your head was spinning.

you try desperately to maintain eye contact with his. unsatisfied with your response of nothing; he nods as one of his men move forward. the hit makes your head sling to the side. blood literally splattering onto the window beside you.

the taste of blood in your mouth has became a all too familiar feeling. as you let your head hang lowly, you over hear someone mutter. “we are almost there.”

moving your hand to wipe your chin, seeing the back of your hand covebloody finally angers you. not knowing where this was going, you finally look back up. “i think we might just have to use the boy instead.”

your heart drops, distracted now. the boy? of course it had to be...

“what boy?” you finally speak, it slightly muffled due to your severe swollen lip. this gets the mans reaction. “she speaks!”

“what boy?” you question again, feeling a sense of protectiveness all of a sudden. what is going on with you?

“ahh, mr.shelby’s boy. ya’ see we have a deadline, and i do have orders with him. oh i spoke to your cousin mr.solomons... he does seem to have a keen interest of seeing you.”

sitting back you take in everything, the deep wrenching pain in your chest over came you. ”didn’t mention if it meant alive or dead, though. dear.”

tears fill your eyes, as you realize everything. this was all a lie, a pawn, a game.

“yet your price is a wager, does thomas care more for your safety or does your cousin? or i could merely kill you now and just let you be what you so ‘desire’.”

his words let everything truly settle now. you never escaped. you just switched paths.

it almost could make you laugh, until it did. you looked crazy and stupid but you were laughing, hysterically almost. wincing at your lip throbbing, heaving out as your head pounds from the movement. you stare into the mans eyes dazed. he stares back at you in discomfort but looks away.

thomas got his own kid into this shit. he better have this all figured out. dizzy from the amount of hits to the head you’ve taken. you look back over and see the man on your right snatching out two pills. eyes widening slightly as you try to move back.

“what is that? wh-wha-no!” the men hold you down, your kicks and hits defenseless. the pills shoved in your mouth. water forced down your throat whilst your nose was plugged, left you choking on the water. forcing you to swallow.

yet they continue it for a few seconds longer, leaving you to start choking horribly. knowing it was swallowed, you were let go finally. shaking and drenched in water, you wildly swing your fist forward.

pure rage in hitting the man on the right. your leg kicks the other guy, before you hit the priest once. a strong hit leaves you slumped, mind swirling until you were no longer able to stay awake.

a strong jerk makes your eyes flicker open. charles was crying softly, making you ignore your own pain. sitting up you look at the man holding him. out of it but desperate you plea.

“give him to me. please, i-i was a mother, i know how to make him stop.” you lie out of instinct but the man seems irritated and hands charles over with ease. ignoring their looks as we come to a stop.

pressing a soft kiss to his head, you hold him soft rocking him softly. your watch the men get out of the vehicle, it was dark out now and your head hurt so bad.

keeping it together for the sake of charles, you try to stay focused. the priest man comes back and you clutch charles more tightly, charles surprisingly soothes down within your hold.

“come on, lets go.” knowing what happen last time, you slowly move out the car, careful with charles the cold wind hits your skin for your only in a nightgown and light sweater. which was blood stained.

the darkness led you to follow him, but soon a room with light appears. you sat down as instructed, feeling the light make your head hurt worse. you notice the two other guys didn’t follow through and he was now alone.

trying not to move, you let charles sit beside you. oddly enough he gave charles something to eat while you stay silent. he looks up at you with a smile.

“the deal is all taken care of, you will be taken care of soon.”

this sick bastard. he gets up suddenly looking back at me, “stay here.” the tone was threatening and you nod softly. scared of what might happen, you sit quietly listening in hard.

moments pass before you heard the words uttered, “please don’t shoot.” you fly up, feeling dizzy from the quickness, glancing back seeing if charles will be okay.

moving forward grasping the wall beside you, as the spots slowly fade from your vision. following the way he took trying to listen in on where the sounds were coming from.

moving quicker at the noise of grunting and painful sounds, ignoring your own pain. you round the corner, taking in the sight of the priest guy fighting a younger guy.

in the oddest moment you notice a hat, the familiar hat. the cap thomas had, a similar one on the ground. “you know who your fucking messing with?”

he throws the guy against a bench, swinging on him. both hands wrap around his throat in such a swift motion. the look on his face reminded you of what yours probably looked like. without thinking you grab a nearby book.

“i’ll take the fuckin’ life from ya’.” you throw the book, it missing your goal hitting him in the back. “leave him the hell alone!” rushing forward, as he turns around one arm coming out. his elbow hits you harshly making you fly back.

hitting the side of a bench, your ribs aching out from the movement. not even knowing what you hit, you stay on the floor. tears leave your eyes unwillingly from the pain.

flying back the back of your head slams into a bench, rolling over sideways. in a slump, you barely were able to make out what was in front of you. all the damage to your head, you knew in nursing this was severe.

“both of ya’ gypsie bastards” without a second thought, the man slices the priest eye. him stumbling back in pain, as the younger man kept coming and coming at him.

“melanie?” you call out as you swore you heard her voice. snapping out of it at the slam open of doors.

two men emerge from a door, too much in pain to handle that situation. trying to push up, hearing the sound of charles cries. “charles.” you gasp out, completely remembering the boy.

managing to get up shakily, moving forward only to stop momentarily. taking in the sight of the bloody mess of the once alive priest. the image locks you in, before you turn back. your were weak and slow but you reach charles.

collapsing beside him leaning back against a near wall. ignoring everything in the world, for it was too much to bare. how odd you found yourself near something of pure innocence; after the chaos you just endured.

charles babbles as you softly sob, “oh charles.”

“it’s alright.” the mans voice spoke, stopping you momentarily. you went silent uncertain exactly anymore of anything. despite everything though you speak up.

“thank ya’.” your tone hush as if you weren’t bold to speak loud. the man sighs out and you wince.

“but ya’ gotta get th-thomas.” the words slip out weakly, eyes flutter as they gaze upon the boy. not even noticing he came around the corner. blood soaked and shaken up, trying desperate to stay focused.

“i’m michael, i’m tommy’s cousin.”

so simple, which was all that was needed. “y/n solomons.” he helps you up, you lean against the wall as he scoops charles up. “hold onto my arm, there is a car outside.”

managing to get inside, but once settled your body slumps. you try to stay up, but the tiredness takes over.

still out not noticing you arriving at the shop, or that michael already took charles inside to the rest of his family. he notified them of you. ada and polly knew for they were the ones who helped you get your clothing.

thomas spoke of you to arthur once.

michael ends up carrying your lifeless looking form inside. polly rushing out orders, ada making a place for you to lay. you were set down and polly pushes your hair out of the way examining you, but when she touches you.

her heart sank. for no reason apparent it just did.

“someone call thomas.” and the cheerful glee of happiness of charles was apparent but the dark silent loom of your appearance was one of unease.

“mum, sh-she helped save him.” he confessed out to polly, who let out a sigh. “well call the damn doctor as well, for christ sakes.”

your eyes flutter open slowly, “charles?”

polly grasp your hand, “he’s safe dear, your both safe now.”

“n-no my head. i can’t my head.” you groan in agony, and your heart aches. “thomas?”

the room went silent. “tho-thomas?” polly speaks up, “he’s on the way.” yet after those words your eyes roll back. “the doctors on the way!” ada calls out and polly sighs in worry for the girl.

#thomas shelby #thomas shelby imagine #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby smut #thomas shelby fic #Tommy Shelby #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby smut #tommy shelby fanfic #tommy shelby x reader #tommy shelby angst #Peaky Blinders #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders imagines #peaky blinders smut #peaky blinders fandom

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defilerwyrm · 1 month

Text

Oh, Alcohol.

Barenaked Ladies saved me from a life (and possibly death) as an alcoholic.

Let me explain:

My first official, tax-paying job as as a mutuel teller at a horse track in the mid aughts. I worked for $8.15/hour most of the year and during live season (when races were taking place at my track) they bumped it up to $8.50. During live race nights, I could easily pull in $100 in tips in a night.

You would have thought that a nearly-homeless college dropout trapped in a relationship he didn’t yet fully realize was extremely abusive would have squirreled that away to make a better life for himself, but no. My coworkers (including The Ex From Hell) liked to go drinking at the restaurant/bar across the highway from the track after live race nights—twice a week—and I, being starved for company and having TEFH as my only ride home, went with them.

It was always a jolly old time. I drank so many mudslides & flying grasshoppers and ate so many mozzarella sticks you wouldn’t believe. My regular bartender and I (and that phrase should set off alarm bells in your head already) developed a new drink! It’s still one of my favorites. Here, let me share it with you:

AQUA VELVET 2 parts blue curaçao 2 parts Midori (melon liqueur) 1 part pineapple juice spritz of Sprite Shake with ice, strain, serve cold in a hurricane glass.

Fucking incredible drink.

But yeah. I drank pretty heavily every night we went out. Drank until I got loose and loopy and extremely homosexual. Drank until I didn’t care about the dysphoria I was trying to ignore and the mental illness & traumas I couldn’t afford to get help for. Until, for just a few hours, I was happy.

And then one night as “Closing Time” by Semisonic played on the speaker system and I received my solo bill, I really looked at it and realized I’d spent literally all of my tip money for that day’s work. I spent over $100 on alcohol in one sitting—in 2007 or 2008 money, on an $8.50/hour wage. Moreover, I’d drank over a hundred dollars worth of booze specifically for the goal of getting drunk and staying that way.

As a sidebar, one of the many things wrong with me is moderate/severe OCD. My most intrusive symptom is endomusia—music stuck in my head…every…waking…moment. As in, I can tell when I’ve woken up because that’s when the music starts. (In a fascinating twist, my father and brother both suffer this, too.) Any little thing that I see or hear or think about could set off a new song playing on repeat in my head.

And in that moment, looking at that staggering total on my receipt for the night, I heard Barenaked Ladies jamming their way through a syncopated bridge:

I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze

Had it not been for that song, I would not have known that drinking to get drunk on a regular basis was a classic sign of alcoholism. But because I knew and loved that song, and because I had that moment of crystalline clarity at something like one in the morning, I realized that I had a fucking problem and I needed to stop.

I am immeasurably lucky that I came to this realization before my alcoholism developed into an actual dependency instead just of a deeply stupid bad habit I did for fun twice a week. I don’t take for granted that it could have been the end of me if not for that single moment. As much horrific shit as has happened to me in my life, holy fuck have I ever gotten some lucky breaks.

I don’t drink much nowadays, and haven’t for almost a decade. I don’t really like how it makes me feel most of the time. I just finished a top shelf margarita before writing this, in the safety of my own home, and it’s—I think the second alcoholic drink I’ve had this year.

So yeah. Music saves lives, y’all.

#cw alcohol #alcoholism #addiction #true story #about me #don’t mind me

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lesbianchipbastard · 1 month

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Because its on my mind Im sending this as a "Ramble about it here when you get to X episode" ask. When you finish the episodes titled black, white and grey please rant about them here. They are great and I want to see your opinions

hahaha. hi endy.

the staring at the wall evolved into falling asleep and randomly waking up at 4am, still processing these episodes.

i wrote down. some of my thoughts now having experienced the full thing and got kind of carried away with um. 1.4k words of rambling :3

it’s not even all i want to say but i. ough. fuck these episodes were so good but so. auugggh.

it’s like 5am now im posting this and gonna try to go back to sleep but. holy fucking SHIT when i get you bizly.

(i don’t at all expect you to read this behemoth of a ramble!! just. need to put this somewhere as well because my brain’s still exploding after these episodes)

When season two started I thought it marked a lot of stuff for, y’know, how the show was gonna get darker. I mean, episode one, people were getting killed by a chaos demon in that prison.

I was entirely expecting all the ugly, gory bits of season two to be… external shit. Stuff that other guys, the actual antagonists, did.

But William felt pressured in Black. And suddenly it sets off this chain reaction, and suddenly one of our protagonists is no longer doing heroic things. Suddenly William is effectively torturing a guy psychologically in an attempt to save thousands more with David’s medical research.

He fell into the crux of a lot of villains: “It’s for the greater good”.

There was no going back after he stabbed Tide with the syringe. Tide, who never even had his guard up around William because despite everything, he trusted him and had immeasurable faith in his boys.

White is probably my favorite and least favorite episode, simultaneously, to ever come out of jrwi. The emotional, symbolic, and hell, even cinematic effect it has is insane.

I could fucking scream forever about Willian’s actions in White. About Vyncent’s inactions and the way he was torn about everything— about the fact that in season one, Vyncent was the “violent” one.

But Mark and Dakota fucking hit me in the heart to an insane amount.

Dakota. MOTHERFUCKING. Cole.

I said this before, but:

It’s the fact that Dakota still has optimism. He still has hope, at the very least, that Mark can change; turn over a new leaf for his kid.

“I think he should turn over a new leaf, like, with a new hero name, like— Soundwave, or something.”

He still thinks, or at least thought, that Mark can change. This was after he saw what he did to Lightspeed. He saw the worst of Mark’s actions but he still had faith and hope that there was a good person in there.

This shows so much fucking growth for Dakota’s character. The entire development of his morals, especially over season 2, is insane.

But Mark tries to kill Dakota. Several times.

He shoots at him, unleashes hundreds of bullets, and even tries to stab him. He couldn’t predict that Dakota would be incorporeal, and yeah, sure, you could say that he didn’t know Dakota forfeited his powers (and even without him he’s still significantly stronger than other kids his age). But even with his powers, Dakota would still have taken significant damage from the attacks.

Dakota and Mark’s rivalry is something I could pick apart and think about every little piece of forever.

They both have overwhelming love for Ashe, but it manifests in different ways.

Mark says it himself, “I am what I have to be.” He’s bringing home his kid by any means necessary. Ashe doesn’t have to like him, she just has to be safe and alive.

Dakota’s entire screaming match with Mark is engraved into my brain forever. It felt so real to witness, and the emotion in it was insane.

Dakota’s entire proclamation gets me. He’s so well spoken throughout despite shaking with how angry he is.

“I have been killing myself trying to train hard enough to save her.”

“If you were doing this for Ashe you wouldn’t do things that she’d hate you for.” But Mark is what he has to be.

Dakota never stands down. He keeps getting back up, and back up, and back. Up. Okehrjwjr I’m actually going to start crying thinking about this again.

When he was searching for Lightspeed and following Wavelength’s tracks, he kept asking himself: What would William do? Because he had faith in William’s decision making and investigation.

But at the very same time, William was wondering what Dakota would think about what he’s done.

And GOD don’t get me started on William and his brother.

In a sick, twisted way, I loved their dynamic. I loved what it meant for William narratively when David congratulated his work of defeating Xavier, even calling him “little brother” as a term of endearment. I was on the edge of my seat for their entire conversation in the meeting room.

David gave William his first drink, like older brothers do. William tortured a man because of his brother. David had apple juice sitting on hand because their mother told him to, just in case William ever showed up. William wanted apple juice. He killed somebody.

Cantrip’s been FUCKING me up. I couldn’t even write the word “death” after her name. It doesn’t feel real.

This can’t be the same show in which Jade was sitting on Xavier’s shoulders during mario kart, nonchalantly offering no help as he fought for his life to win like. Second place.

I mean, Jade was such a candid and real character. She was a teenager, just like the rest of the Prime Defenders, and she tried to take a turn for better things after leaving the fighting ring. She went from villainy to vigilantism, and sure, her morals were kind of skewed with how she seemed pretty okay with Alan killing the Bell Tech employees, but her motives were good, in a sense.

(“It’s all for the greater good”. It’s the same thing William was thinking, except William was directly dirtying his hands by torturing Xavier, while Cantrip was just accepting that Alan killed some people.)

I think there’s something to say for how William creates a vision of Cantrip out of smoke, distorting her into some monster, and how that’s the last time we see her image at all before learning of the fact that she’s. Gone.

The last time we see the real Jade, she’s just trying to escape. She doesn’t even talk, if I remember correctly. She just tries to get out. She gets shot in the arm but still persists.

And William ends up being the one who pulls the trigger; who injects the memory loss shit into her blood.

He’s the one who kills her, despite not knowing it at the time.

And David still masquerades as an innocent man, going as far as to relax at his apartment with him and William’s parents as though the events of the previous night never happened.

It fucks me up how the last words that Will and David exchanged before the confrontation in the apartment was:

“Don’t turn into a supervillain while I’m gone.”

“You either.”

William was starting to believe that David was a guy with awful methods, but good intentions— and William felt as though he was the same way. He saw himself becoming David, but David manipulated him into thinking that, hey, it’s awful, but at least he wouldn’t be… alone, I guess, in being a horrible person.

William and David finally saw eye to eye on the worst thing.

And David. Still. Lied.

Lied by omission.

And Jade was the one who took the fall for William’s actions. Jade, the girl who made fun of William for his crush on Vyncent. Jade, who had a sister she cared about, even if she scoffed about her love of heroes— despite the implication that their parents died because of them (likely caught in crossfire or casualties of battle). Jade, who painted her nails and placed bets on William kissing Vyncent, saying he’d be too pussy to do so. Jade, who found herself in a fucking fighting arena of all places but still found friends through it.

Jade, who was the first one to trust William with her actual name instead of Cantrip.

William, who killed her.

And. Fucking Christ.

Vyncent’s monologue at the end of episode 33 just. Fucks me up.

For the entire greyscale series, he finds himself suspended in inaction, too scared to do the right thing and too scared to stop the wrong thing.

But he finally faces it. He looks at William, certainly with fear after knowing all that he’s done, and even still, Vyncent dances around the morality of the subject. He accepts if William wants to flat-out lie to Dakota’s face about what happened at Bell Tech, though he does warn him of the significant damage it’ll do to their friendship.

And when William asks Vyncent to leave the room at the end of the episode, Vyncent finally takes a leap and becomes no longer caught by his indecision between apathy and guilt.

He looks at William, thinking he’s on the edge of something he won’t come back from, and he takes his hand, and pulls Wlliam back from the metaphorical cliff’s edge. If William does fall, then they’re falling together.

His entire proclamation, starting with “I’ve had so many opportunities to do the right thing”, fucking guts me.

God I’ve been typing for like. An hour now but the greyscale series really fucked me up holy shit.

tldr: AAAAUUUUIGGHHHHKEKGKKSKVMEMGOOCU:$)&2’ynkejvjk4&3&582$2!:$?82&;&/&(929@,@2&(&2&&?EVIL EVIL EVIL GOD IS DEADDDDJGKRMHKSKKKKLLEKCKSJGJKSICIWKFMSKGIWIIIAI&383&5&?&?@39(92@?&&/8:7;&,£,]*+\+<*]¥<**]+<+¥sfkwkfkkwjfkI HATE EVERYTHING AOUUGGGHHHHHH OUUUUUUEHEHRHRHRJKGHRHRHRRRRRRR

i am emotionally attached to this media a normal amount

#vixen rambles #vixen answers #jrwi pd #jrwi pd spoilers #jrwi spoilers #jrwi #analysis #< yeah you could say that

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rodolfoparras · 4 months

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holy shit yes please okay hold on word vomit brace yourself

it's two am i apologise for incoherence

imagine you're new to 141, but you've been in the military for ages, long enough that you're known as this merciless killer, an omen of death. 141 is basically where they fling you because nobody knows where to put you (price taking in strays rhehrhehr gnawing on it) and you meet price and you're instantly smitten but obviously you can't do anything about it because he's your superior and you're like, kind of terrifying so you don't think he'll want anything to do with you but you still r basically guard dog-ing him, being super protective (of the whole 141 because they're price's n you know he wants them safe too?) and he notices, obviously, because you're not very good at being subtle (don't do this often enough for that) and one day he calls you into his office and he's like hey what's up with that and you're like sweating bullets bcuz oh fuck vulnerability

and then you blurt it out because you can *not*, when he's looking at you like that with those stern eyes and his lips twisted into a frown and you admit you just want to be scary for someone :( take care of them :( and it's him, for some reason, even tho he's a very competent man, and he's like awh baby and bam

your desire to take care extends past protection he leans when one day you overhear him complaining to someone (Gaz?? Nik over the phone?) about being stressed and not having time to get laid and then a few days later you're both alone in the common room, he's doing paperwork at the table n ur like. sitting on the armchair reading or smth idfk and he groans n shoves the paper away and ur like can i help, ur so stressed? but it's like a little flirty and he's lookin at you wide eyes a little confused, and then he's like absolutely

and tada you're sitting in that armchair, hands right on the armrests [he said no touching :<] n he's riding you looks so pretty n he's biting down on your shoulder to keep quiet and you're digging your teeth into your bottom lip because it's late at night but just in case someone hears it's the common area and from then on it's just a normal thing really for him to drag you off to his office when he needs stress relief n it always ends with him riding you or you kneeling between his legs while he's in his desk chair and sucking him off until he's nice n relaxed :(

n you're still scary n horrifying to other people but to 141 ur price's boy and price knows you're not so bad because how could a merciless machine be so good to him :(

oh shit sorry got really into it here's a goddamned essay i guess

- 🪔

Sugar I fakwing love this so much bc listen 🧎🏻‍♂️

You feeling absolutely purposeless when you join 141, because being a death machine means you have a purpose while your target is alive and when they’re gone so is your purpose and you’re just a soulless creature but price fights tooth and nail to give you a purpose even when you fight against it

When you first joined 141 you’d been very reluctant to have a squad you were used to working on missions alone and now you had 4 other people tagging along

The first mission you had attempted to do on your own and had almost lost your life because you had miscalculated a step in your plan

141 although not happy with your actions were glad you were alive price had scolded you even threatened to kick you out but when you hear those words you freeze up bc in the short time you’ve been with 141 theyve Been nothing but welcoming to you and you rather not loose a team like that

after that scolding you start to see how much price goes out his way to make you feel like part of the team, and slowly but surely you start developing feelings for him price doesn’t even notice it at first until one day he gets hurt and you start acting out of your mind barking and biting at anyone trying to approach the man barley even letting medevac come close and even guarding him through the whole time his injuries heal

And one day someone makes a comment like are you his guard dog or something and you can’t really forget about that comment until price confronts you about it and he’s like don’t listen to them you’re not a dog and you fumble around in an attempt to explain that you want to be his guard dog you want to protect him and care for him and he’s like oh? Before he smiles warmly at you and caresses your cheek “alright then”

What you didn’t expect was how much the words good boy would turn you on but price notices, purposely drops the word until you Squirm in place, while desperately trying to hide your boner doenst take much before you’re pushed up against his office desk, with one of his legs steady on the floor while the other is on the table while working himself up and down your cock, hearing the obscene squelching sound coming from his cunt🧎🏻‍♂️

#alec answers #🪔 anon

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lonelysheepling · 1 year

Text

Advice for artists and non-artists but mainly just artists

You know how you do a thing for so long that it’s becomes super mundane and insignificant to you, like when you’re sewing something you just do a basic stitch and struggle to tie a standard knot at the end. But you don’t do this often enough for it to stand out to you. You’re an artist, hey maybe even a professional one, and you’ve been doing your art a certain way for a long time. You use pose references and look up environment pictures to reference. But you still draw shoes without a reference or you draw clothes without any detailed folds.

At various points in my art journey I tried using tutorials, resources, and step by step guides for drawing certain things, be that nature brushes, drawing noses front-on, etc. and my skills at the time were kinda basic so I could never really pull off the tutorials in a way that satisfied me. I then went years just improving on broad areas like perspective and posing, focusing more on the overall composition than the minor details. But one day, years later, I got bored and decided to look up how to draw clothing folds

On the left of the green line is some previous work, on the right was two pieces I drew after I heavily referenced cloth physics

Ignore the shading, lighting, colors, etc. the stuff on the right definitely has way better flow than the stuff on the left. Now it wasn’t like a “wow I used a reference and now I’m a master” situation, there was an adjustment period with some less than stellar examples

But when I created those first 2 folds it was like a fucking switch was flicked in my head and I’ve been improving ever since. I am immensely grateful that I just happened to go looking for reference photos because holy shit something as simple as improving my clothing folds massively boosted my confidence in my work. Something I’ve noticed after I followed tutorials is that during the adjustment period, while the first couple of pieces are very reminiscent of the source tutorial, they start to get a little too far off and I stop referencing the tutorial and start doing my own thing (for better or for worse), but there’s then a period afterwards where I go back (maybe after re-watching the original tutorial) and develop it more into my own style.

Here’s a graph to better explain my thought process

Here’s another gun to the head reminder to use references. Recently I was drawing shoes for a character and I have a pretty consistent method of drawing shoes (consistent, not good).

But I wanted it to look more rugged so I looked up an image of a hiking boot and guess at what point in this timelapse that the reference was pulled up

I had for years tried using tutorials and reference photos but the process never really clicked for me. But over the years I have improved my technical skills and I believe that those improvements and all that practice made it way easier for me to understand and replicate tutorials, i understand now how the specifics of certain things like shading and depth work, picking up new skills that are still in the area I work in became way easier. But Im obviously still finding areas in my art by random chance that I can improve on. Because I don’t think about those parts anymore, they’re in the background of my design process.

This is where my advice to non-artists comes in. Look up tutorials. For anything. You know earlier when I mentioned sewing? Look up a guide on stitching, I just learned today what a surgeons knot is despite having been hand stitching for years. You don’t know what you don’t know, you don’t seek out improvement when you don’t perceive the need to improve. Trust me, there’s always areas to improve but you are going to have to stretch your mind at some point to recognize them. Everybody talks about how you should use tutorials and use references and all that, but I don’t think many people are going to research tutorials for things they don’t feel like they need improvement in.

. Anyway that’s the end of my monthly psa

If something in this post confused you feel free to send me like an ask or a brick through my window with a note attached to it, I’m not picky.

#somewhat art related #art tutorial #art help #art advice #psa i guess #long post #no alt text #ask to tag #advice for artists

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hertzwritings · 2 years

Text

Clothes

A/N: WELP, I might be developing arthritis in my fingers from all the typing, but I DON’T CARE. I am literally so happy that you guys are involved with my stuff, and I constantly look at replies, reblogs and screenshots of asks, because they make me feel all giddy and happy. Anyway, onwards with the prompts! Also this prompt was requested by the sweet @daughterofautumn – THANK YOU.

Prompt: “Undress or I’ll do it for you.”

You can buy me a coffee here and I’ll write you a personalized drabble, one-shot or multichapter fic. It would help me immensely, because bills are a bitch and I have to buy diapers and food. Seriously, anything can help.

Love y’all so much! Remember, feedback feeds the soul (mine in particular) and my requests – and askbox – are always open – there’s no limits, because I am me and I have none.

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Pairing: Henry Cavill x Plus sized!female reader

Contains: Language, fluff, smut (18+, MINORS DNI), fingering, p in v, oral (f + m receiving), unprotected sex, semi-public sex, cream-pie, praise kink, loving, fluffy, friends to lovers, coworkers to lovers, slight dirty talk, SEXUAL TENSION UP THE HOOHA

W.C.: 4.496 (sorry)

Clothes

“Henry, move again and I’ll stab you on purpose.” He chuckled but kept still - arms out and his eyebrow cocked at you. You shook your head and began slowly pinning the pants, so they kept the shape, hoping to God that this was the last pair you had to fix. “You should stop working out so much. I’ve never had to repair this many pairs of leather pants before.” You grumbled, smoothing the fabric over his shin to make sure it sat right. It was the fourth pair over the last two weeks alone, he had misshaped with his stupidly thick thighs. “Please, you love my company. And thighs.” He said with a small laugh. Well, yes, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Remind me to tell budgeting that we need like… A million just for leather, so I can make new pants every hour.” You grinned at him and stood up, looking over your handiwork. They’d fit if he didn’t do squats in them. “Thank you. You’re literally magic.” He said softly. His eyes were full of praise, and you felt heat radiating from your cheeks. “Oh, pish, posh. It’s my job, Henry. I should be thankful that you keep mucking up your costumes, so I can keep working, really.” “I’ll keep that in mind.” Silence fell between you, and you glanced at the clock. “Shit, you need to go. Get behind the partition and slowly take the pants off. I will not hesitate to murder you if you get a single pin out of its place.” You said, narrowing your eyes playfully. “Yes, ma’am.” He stepped down from the podium and went behind the partition; he was tall enough for his head to stick out on top. “Any fun plans for the night?” He asked, bending down. You tried not to think too much about what he wasn’t wearing right now (“I can’t wear briefs underneath these pants, the lines are too obvious!”) and answered with a somewhat level voice. “Oh, uh… Nothing, actually.” You licked your lips and his head shot up, eyes locking on you. “Wait, didn’t you have a thing with the…” He pursed his lips. “What’s-his-name?” You rolled your eyes. “Roger. And I did, but he… Yeah, no, it didn’t work out. He would much rather only see me in private.” You sighed. “What?” He asked. “Well, I think his words were something along the lines of… We have fun, but you’re just not one you’d take for a stroll through the city, are you? But you’re super sexy… Ish.” You grimaced. “Holy shit.�� You nodded, although he couldn’t see you. “It is what it is. I dumped him, and here I am.” “Oh, I’m sorry.” He said with a shit-eating grin, not looking sorry at all before stepping out, now dressed again, and handed you the pants; he towered over you, and you tried your best to keep yourself in line. “It is… It’s not like I would have time to date at any rate, I’m here all the time.” You shrugged. It wasn’t a lie. “Well… I guess it’s a good thing, then.” He said, gathering his swords. “Why is my lack of a love-life a good thing?” You asked with a smile. He turned to face you, and his thumb stroked down your cheekbone in a way, that made your breath hitch and knees wobble. “Then I get to keep you around.” He winked at you. “See you later!”

Your strange, sort of flirty friendship with Henry had started the same day, you began working on set. You had walked into the wardrobe-trailer, hands full of yards of fabric for a new dress, and nearly tumbled to the ground, when you ran straight into a very firm body. Henry had caught you with a hand around your waist. “Thank you for catching me.” You said breathlessly, not even trying to get back on your feet. “If I’m the cause of you falling like this…” He grinned. “Anytime, darling.”

And thus, a friendship was born. You didn’t fool yourself into thinking there was anything in it from his side other than casual friendship – especially after he had brought a woman to set once, his arm locked around her at all times, he wasn’t in a scene. She was the size of a stick, and wonderfully fit, which stood in stark contrast to your own body; you felt lumpy at the best times, and like an absolute piece of blob at the worst times. It was fine, really. You could be happy enough for what you did have with Henry because he was an absolute joy to be around. He was laid back, funny as hell and attentive – every time there was a late-night shoot, he brought you coffee and some kind of snack, he had made himself. Cookies, brownies, anything really, and he did it just because he wanted to. At least, that’s what he said. You wondered a few times if it was because of your body, he only brought sugary snacks, but quickly learned that the man himself had the biggest sweet tooth, you’d ever seen. He could inhale a whole tray of brownies in less than two minutes, and he carried gummies in his costumes, which you had scolded him for once, when he had been a little too closer to a bonfire and the gummies had practically melted into the leather.

He spent a lot of time in your trailer. At first, there was issues with his armor. Then something got messed up. Then he had accidentally fallen on his beautiful ass in a puddle of mud, and then, when he ran out of excuses, he just said that he wanted to be somewhere he felt comfortable. It was nice. He was nice.

“Y/N?” A voice called from the very back of the trailer. “Yeah, I’m in front!” You called back, waiting for Abby to come out of the many layers of clothing on racks. Her hair was a mess and she looked like she was about to collapse, carrying five different costumes carefully. “God, sometimes I think I should’ve chosen a different career path. I’m dying.” She grumbled, laying the costumes on the work bench, straightening up and rubbing her round belly. “Abby, you know you can just call for me, and I’ll do all that. That’s like… 80 % of my job.” You said with a small smile, gently coercing her to a chair. She sat down with a grunt and closed her eyes. “You’re lucky you get off so early today.” “Oh, you’ve got another night?” You asked sympathetically. She nodded. “Abby, I’m serious… You’re seven months pregnant, you shouldn’t be working lates.” She opened one eye to look at you. “I don’t have any plans, it’s supposed to be pickups and I really wouldn’t mind taking the shift.” “Are you sure? Every time we say it’s going to be pickups, they end up overloading us. I wouldn’t want to leave you behind…” You waved your hand at her. “Stop it. I’m capable. At most things, actually. I think I can handle one late shoot.” She smiled gratefully. “Thank you. Really, Y/N, you’re a lifesaver.” You shrugged. “No problem. Go home, Abby, I don’t want you to overwork yourself and push a kid out in the wardrobe trailer.” You grinned at her and helped her to her feet. She hugged you. “I’ll be back on Monday, okay?” You nodded. “And if there’s any issues, call me…” “Abby. I’m not going to call you. I have both Pieter and Susan on emergency, if a problem should arise.” She sighed. “Fine. Okay, enjoy your weekend of work!” You waved her off with a laugh, pulling the iron out of the closet.

You had been wrong. It was indeed a late night, but it was extremely busy. Apparently, every single costume had decided to break, or the team wanted last minute changes, and you were working triple-time. You were sweating, breathing like you had just run a damn marathon and your eyes were growing weary, when they finally called wrap.

You were absolutely done, but the universe had different ideas.

“Y/N, sorry to keep you, but Henry’s damned shirt ripped again.” You whined. “Nooooo…. I was just going home!” You wanted to cry. “It can’t wait until tomorrow?” The P.A looked at you with I’m sorry written all over their face. “Sorry, honey. He’ll be here in five.” You waved your hand. “Yeah, yeah…” You stomped around the trailer, gathering the supplies and muttering to yourself, when the door swung open again and a muddy, slightly tired Henry stepped inside, resting his swords on the side of the work bench, and made to step further inside. “Hold it. You are not walking in here, among silk with those damned boots on.” You pointed at them, covered in mud that still dripped slowly from the top. His wig was off, but he was still covered in the makeup, a few lines of fake blood and dirt on his cheekbones and chin. “Sorry.” He quickly pulled them off and threw them outside. “All good?” “Fine. You can come up here.” You mumbled, rubbing your eyes. “Are you okay, love?” He asked worriedly, as he stepped up on the podium. “Long day. Lot of work. Not enough hands.” You looked at him with a tired smile. “If I have to fix your shirt, you need the armor off.” He just held his arms out. “Henry…” He looked at you with a smirk. “Undress, or I’ll do it for you.” You threatened. “Is that a promise?” He asked, his voice lower than before. You grunted and got on your knees, slowly unfastening the different clasps and strings along the armor on his legs, pulling them off one by one. He cleared his throat when your fingers grazed his inner thigh. “Damn it, I can’t get to the last ones without doing the top…” You sighed. “Okay, just… Hold your arms out, I want to go home.” You said with a yawn, and thankfully, Henry listened – you might be tired, and you may not be in the mood for anything, but you were painfully aware of how close you were going to have to be to him, and how great he smelled. It was actually kind of rude to smell that nice, like pine-trees and vanilla, when he’d been running around set, swinging swords in the mud. “How did you, uh… Ruin the shirt?” You asked, looking everywhere but his eyes. If you caught his eyes, you were not going to be able to control yourself, and you were just friends. “I’ll let you in on a secret.” He whispered, his lips dangerously close to your ear, as your fingers slowly untied two strings, holding his shoulder piece in place. Your breathing was shallow. “Oh?” You were whispering too, now. “I didn’t. I just wanted an excuse to come over here.” You swallowed thickly and removed another piece, the strings falling limply from your fingers. Heat was radiating off of him. “Then… Why am I removing your armor?” You asked breathlessly. His arms curled, the sound of leather straining against leather echoing in your ears, and they finally embraced you tentatively, fingers resting on the small of your back. “Because you wanted to see me too.” He answered confidently. You didn’t know what to say to that. You unclasped one of the clasps along his ribcage, opening the armor a sliver. You could feel his warm skin under the thin layer of his shirt. “And… I think that maybe…” His fingers were warm against your lower back, slowly scrunching the fabric of your dress. “You’ve been too scared to say anything.” “You haven’t either.” You replied. The tension was thick enough to leave a tangy taste on your tongue as pieces of his armor fell away from his body, leaving more and more of him exposed; or, at least, in a very thin shirt and leather pants. “No, I haven’t.” You still couldn’t look him in the eyes. “I suppose I was… Worried.” He drew a deep breath, when the final piece of his armor fell away, thudding loudly on the floor between your feet. “About?” You asked feebly. He drew a little closer, barely noticeable to the outside world, but to you? It felt as if he had traveled an insurmountable distance, the damned earth had shifted and shrunk and widened all at the same time. “You. Me. How you see me. How I didn’t want to ruin a friendship.” Your fingers were playing with the buttons on his shirts, not really sure if you should unbutton them. “And? What did you…?” You trailed off. You didn’t know if you really wanted the answer. “I would sell my soul to the devil himself, if that meant I could have you for just a minute. That’s what I found out.” You closed your eyes at his confession. “Henry, I…” You bit your lip. “I’m…” “What? You’re what? Too beautiful, too real, too…” His one hand found your cheek, cupping it. “Entirely too good for me? Trust me, I’ve already thought about it. But I am, at heart, a very stubborn man, and I have a very hard time letting go of something so beautiful.” You finally found the strength to look at him and wish you hadn’t.

His eyes were burning hotly into you, darkened and deep – you wanted to die. This was too much. “No, Henry. I’m… Not…” You sighed. You still held on to each other. “I’m not what you want, not really.” “Why?” You swallowed. “I just… Aren’t.” he sighed and the hand, that cupped your face, pulled you an inch closer to him. You were craning your neck to keep looking at his eyes. “Darling, you are everything to me. Everything. All you are, all you’ll ever be… The very air you breathe makes me dizzy. I get that it’s intimidating, and trust me, I know what’s going on in that pretty, little head of yours. We’ve been friends for long enough for me to confidently say that you’re overthinking it. How we would look. How you look. I can’t take that away from you, but I can say…” He leaned in a little closer. “I don’t care. You’re the most beautiful person, I’ve ever had the joy of laying my eyes on, inside and out. If you’ll let me, I want to spend the rest of my life worshipping everything about you.” You didn’t know what to say. Nor did you really think there was anything to say, so you did the next best thing.

Your fingers moved from the buttons on his shirt to his waist, fingers nimbly undoing the strings, holding his pants in place, your eyes locked on his. “Y/N, what are you…” “Sh. Just… Sh.” You whispered, the strings coming loose under your fingers. The pants fell to the ground around his ankles in a whisper, and your fingers moved back to the buttons on his shirt, his breath hitching when your fingers began unbuttoning them – your hands were surprisingly steady. He complied, and moved his arms over his head, as you slowly pulled the shirt over his head, his hair and beyond his fingertips, throwing it to the side.

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly, and then his hands moved to the straps of your dress, slowly, while his eyes were boring into yours, he gently moved them down your arms. The dress fell from your chest, and without looking, he found the zipper on your ribcage, slowly dragging it down until your dress sagged a little, and he could move it further down your body.

It was entrancing to look at him; you were swimming in an ocean of him, as his fingers led the dress fall in a heap around your feet and then moved to your back, undoing your bra. You sucked in a sharp breath when it fell from your body.

It would seem that that was all it took.

His lips found yours in a feverish desire, slotting over yours perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together perfectly. His lips slid against your bottom lip, begging silently for entrance; you granted it, wrapping your arms around his neck, and he groaned against the kiss, your bodies flush against each other. His tongue was sinful, making you whimper into the kiss, and his hands found your ass, cupping it, before he lifted you up. You wrapped your legs around his hips, and felt his hard cock nudge your thigh. It made you gasp and he chuckled against your lips, his teeth grazing your bottom lip now that his tongue was withdrawn, and tugged it gently. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough to quell the fire that was raging in you, and you gasped, holding him tighter as he walked from the podium to the small couch next to it, sitting down and letting you straddle him. You bit his lip, tugging it with a little more force than he had, showing him what you needed. “Oh, you like it rough, love?” He asked breathlessly, his fingertips still burning against your ass. You nodded. “Yes.” You might have had an inkling to how he liked it, but it was nothing against the raw desire and ferocity that overtook him. He growled, placing his lips back on yours and moved swiftly, laying you down on your back as his fingers moved to the waistband of your panties, tugging them down your legs. His lips left yours, leaving wet trails along your neck and collarbone, until they latched on your nipple, tongue swirling against it. “Oh…” You moaned and arched your back, pressing your chest up to meet his lips. His teeth found it and bit down gently, drawing a moan from your lips, that sounded strangely like his name, and your hands grabbed his hair, tugging it roughly. You needed more. He chuckled against your chest and moved from your nipple to your stomach, making sure he kissed every inch of it, before he moved further down. You gasped when his tongue licked a long stripe against your folds, his fingers digging into your soft flesh on your thighs and you could’ve died right there.

“Fuck, you taste amazing…” He grumbled before he lost all control, eating you like a man possessed. His tongue danced across your clit, sending shivers down your spine, and his right hand moved to your dripping hole, letting two fingers slide inside of you as he licked you. Your back arched and you whined at the feeling of his fingers moving inside of you. It was heaven.

He moaned against your clit, the vibrations sending you into overdrive; you had never in your life been this aroused before, and you could feel how damned close you already were. “Henry…” You whispered his name like a prayer, and he sped up, your walls fluttering around his fingers. You were rolling your hips to meet his movements and when you caught his eyes, looking up at you while a smirk rested on his lips as he licked a fat, hard strip against you, your orgasm came.

Waves of pleasure rippled through your body, every nerve screaming his name as you came on his tongue, lips and fingers; he was moaning along with you, lapping up everything you gave him. Your toes were curling and you writhed as your orgasm ripped through you.

When you could see straight again, you tugged his hair to bring him up again; his fingers were still working you, but he happily kissed you deeply, letting you taste yourself on his tongue.

“You’re so fucking good, Y/N… So good for me…” His praise made you preen, and your eyes rolled back in your head.

“Please… I want to taste you…” You hadn’t even looked at him naked yet, and you wanted to see him and feel his cock on your tongue. “You’re going to be the death of me, love.” He whispered against your lips, before drawing back and sitting down on the couch.

You slid to your knees and moved to sit in front of him, practically drooling over the sight in front of you.

His cock was leaking precum, throbbing slightly; it was large, larger than you’d ever been with before, and a pulsing vein ran along the underside, that was begging to be licked. He stared at you with lust-blown eyes, and you smirked at him before your tongue darted out and licked a stripe against the vein. He moaned and whispered a small fuck when you sucked on his head, tasting his precum.

You slowly inched down on him, taking as much as you could before he hit the back of your throat. He twitched and forced himself a little deeper. You gagged. “Shit, Y/N…” You shot him a wink and grasped his thigh, letting him know it was okay. You wanted this. You needed to feel him.

He groaned and sat up straighter, a hand falling on your hair. “Is this okay?” You nodded as much as you could with your mouth occupied. He grinned wickedly at you. “Good girl… Taking so much of me.” He slowly pressed you down, letting you gag around him. “You can do more, love.” Your pussy clenched around nothing, and you felt the wetness between your thighs at his words. He slowly moved your head down his cock, twitching slightly when he hit the back of your throat. You moaned at the feeling, and you could see the moment, Henry snapped completely.

His eyes darkened and he rolled his hips, thrusting into your mouth, slowly beginning to fuck your mouth. It was the most erotic sight, you’d ever seen – his lips twitching as he fucked into your mouth, his eyes trained on your lips and small moans tumbling from his lips.

“Fuck, you feel fucking amazing… You take me so well, baby… Such a good girl for me.” He grunted and you preened under his praise, hollowing your cheeks and meeting his thrusts; he groaned and stilled, pulling out of your mouth, a string of spit connecting you to him. “Henry, what…?” your voice was hoarse. He kissed you and smiled. “I’m not coming in your mouth today, love.” He gently guided you to straddle him again, and lined himself up with your waiting, dripping core, coating his cock in your slick. “Are you sure…” “Henry, take me.” You whispered, desperate for him inside of you. He didn’t need to be told twice, and adjusted a little, and let his tip sink inside your warmth. You both moaned as you sunk down on him, taking him completely; he filled you so much that it was nearly uncomfortable, but you didn’t care – it was too good, so much more than you had ever imagined and when his head nudged your cervix, you damn near collapsed. He wasn’t faring any better; he held you tightly, groaning at the feeling of you and he thrusted up once, making you whimper. Something came over him, and you felt the shift in the air; he wasn’t going to be gentle.

“Fuck, you…” He grunted and slammed his hips to meet you, his cock moving at an impossible speed, as you moved your own hips – you were fucking each other, his hand on your ass and one in your hair, tugging you back slightly to expose your neck to him. He bit and licked at your sensitive skin as the sounds of your skin slapping against each other filled the trailer. “You’re taking me so… ugh… So well, love.” You moaned and your hips stuttered, your second orgasm building faster than you could keep up with. “Are you going to cum, love? Make a mess out of me?” You nodded. “Oh, there’s my good girl… Atta, girl…” He mumbled against your skin. “Fucking clench down on me, milk me, love… I want to feel you cum on me…” You lost it at his words. Your orgasm erupted like a surge of power out of you, stars colliding behind your eyes as you screamed his name, your pussy clenching down on him.

“Fuck, I’m going to… Shit, can I cum in you?” He was gasping now, as he fucked you through your orgasm – you were mewling, barely coherent, but you did manage to get a fuck yes out while waves of pleasure rolled against you.

“I’m going to fill you… Fuck, Y/N!” He buried his face in the crook of your neck, forcing you down as far as you could go, and you felt the warmth of him filling you; you moaned at the feeling, grinding against him, milking him for whatever he had.

“I’m so sorry, you came so fucking hard, I couldn’t…” You kissed him to shut him up. “Stop it, it was perfect.” You mumbled against his lips. He chuckled and slowly laid you down, wrapping you in his arms.

“I’ll promise that the next time will be a lot longer.” You smiled against his chest, feeling your pussy pulse in feeble aftershocks, and his spend leaking out of you slowly. “So there’s going to be a next time?” You asked. “Oh, and a time after that, and after that… I’m planning on ruining you for the rest of your life, love.” He said, kissing your damp hair. “I’m not willingly letting you go, you know.” You grinned. “Good thing I’m not planning on it, then.” He chuckled. “Henry?” Your voice was tired. “Hm?” “Uh, what… Does this mean for, you know… Us?” you asked in a small voice, hoping this wasn’t another one of the “I’m keeping you a secret”-deals, because your heart couldn’t handle it. “What do you mean? I’m planning on ravishing you, and when I’m not doing that, I’ll be parading you around. Trust me, you’ll get tired of me really quickly.” He laughed. “I’m going to want everyone to know that you are mine.” He sounded so possessive, it made you clench your thighs.

“Oh.” “Not what you expected?” You shook your head. “I was a little scared that you’d want to keep me a secret.” He lifted your head gently with two fingers under your chin, his other hand rubbing soothing circles on your back.

“Darling, I would never want to hide the best thing in my life away. You are the light that leads the way for me, and I hope you know that. That shouldn’t be snuffed out, and I’ll do my very best to prove that to you.” “I love you.” You blurted it out. You sucked in a sharp breath, hoping to God that you didn’t ruin a good thing. He smiled at you and kissed you so softly, it felt like a butterfly’s heartbeat thrumming. “I love you too, if it wasn’t abundantly clear already.”

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inchidentally · 1 month

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tricky asks time! a lot have built up so I'm definitely going to have to do a multiparter - remember to bl 'wank adjacent' to not see these posts <3

I'm putting these two together bc the first one is to do with a super creepy anon who has a very loud and fully parasocial "our relationship" attitude toward Lily and Oscar and ironically thought that me saying that I engage in rpf for fun on a website that requires multiple hoops to get through to even scroll one page of someone's blog. and the second is the side of fandom who have developed a certain idea of "perfect relationships" based solely on the woman remaining largely unknown and the man a major public figure.

okay, so. full disclosure: I don't have a great view of heterosexual relationships when it comes to what they do to women and what they take from women. I'm not automatically down on any of them and as always I'm like, other people's choices are fully their own and my opinions are irrelevant as far as they're concerned!

it's pretty obvious from me repeating over and over but first and foremost !! I am aggressively against internalized misogyny in fandom spaces, and esp toward the women who date or marry male public figures. it's absolutely rampant on a larrying level in carlando and pretty damn bad in dando and I've been adamant that landoscar won't fall prey to those people (carlando and dando fandoms still have plenty of great people, just to say <3).

but make no mistake, me sticking up for these women is because they do not deserve abuse as a basic decency. they're not dolls I pick up and put down based on if they happen to be with a guy I post about. they deserve respect regardless of who is observing them and why. *if they're genuinely problematic then that's a separate topic but holy shit only bring that morality if you're prepared to apply it to the men you're a fan of at the same time !!

the fact that we only know these women based on the man they're dating or married to is already problematic and I get pretty grossed out when fans go hard for a gf or wife and then easily transfer that energy immediately when there's a breakup and a new gf or wife. it's equally gross when they continue to follow the ex and say how much they "miss her" or constantly bring up her ex in spaces she can see.

so when I speak up about or for Lily and any other wife or girlfriend of a driver, I'm doing so with full respect for how uncomfortable it is that I only know of her existence bc of a man. and that I also have a responsibility in a fandom space - even one as fairly invisible as tumblr - to kick back at fans who attack them purely to create space for their rpf ship fantasy or their own unhealthy obsession.

it's also why you'll see me being a broken record about keeping the line between rpf for fun and the reality of these men's relationships.

I don't think I'll ever believe that a woman is anything but relatively happy in a partnership with the type of man who has to give their entire selves to their career. especially F1 that demands 10 months of almost nonstop travel and commitments. and sorry, the whole 'yay she has her own career/life!' as some kind of consolation prize for her sacrifices doesn't work bc in order for the relationship to exist beyond phone calls and texts has always required the wife or girlfriend to fly wherever he is to spend time together. very occasionally, I see someone like George or Alex make the effort during the season to fly out to their girlfriend. Oscar went on a minibreak with Lily during the break last season. like, that's bare minimum lol and nothing compared to these women flying across the globe and being stuck waiting around while their bf or husband only has the rare hour or so between commitments on a race weekend.

so any "praise" of a wife or girlfriend for how they accommodate a man's career and "stay out of the spotlight" or "stay private" is a massive red flag for me. an largely invisible woman dating a man with a public profile will never feel like an organic decision on her part to me. it's a reaction to a situation that shouldn't exist.

"his fans and fangirls are awful though" yea and that's not fucking right and it's not a reason to let them win. decent fans can work harder to suppress the shitty ones and mass report accounts. and I know that for Lily Z, she's gotten temporary respite by being nothing more than a woman walking beside Oscar and not "giving haters any ammunition". but for example, even though Lily M and Carmen still get occasional shit from idiots who just want to hate, they go relatively unscathed because the decision was made early on to be in on the rpf ship jokes and George and Alex consistently make as many posts about them in a sort of joint, impenetrable "this is our relationship and you will not drive these women into hiding". Lily's hugely intelligent and has professional STEM aspirations of her own.

it's wayyyyy too convenient to say she's as private as she is because privacy fulfills her and brings her happiness. it's just the flipside of haters giving her a conditional reprieve bc they don't have to be annoyed by her having a visible personality.

and guess what? we've never once heard from Lily herself that she would be private even without dating a man in the public eye. we've heard what her boyfriend has said. we've heard from Kym Ilm*n. and women in fandom have taken that and decided it's permission to praise her for not wanting to face unfair abuse. like ??? I am not ok with that lol.

"maybe she just doesn't want to be super visible or have a public identity!" nah. if she's under 50 then having a public identity is fully the norm so it's too much of a convenient reach to make that assumption. and if she has a career of her own then she absolutely needs to have a public identity. even when you start out in entry positions, showing the work you do and the people you work with is totally normal for advancement. (I'm in shitty jobs so that doesn't apply to me lol but no F1 wife or gf will be working my jobs. almost all the women I know are in aspirational careers tho.)

women deserve to at least have a go at being a dynamic, public person who pursues life to the degree she chooses irrespective of her bf - and if afterward she finds she wants to be super private and raise a man's babies out of sight AND SHE SAYS SO HERSELF then that's absolutely wonderful.

but absolutely no one can convince me that women aren't conditioned and pressured in a world like F1 to either shut up and stay out of the way, or that they're "asking for it" if they do live publicly and have crazies stalking them and sending them abuse.

*side note that I've heard some ummm potentially not great things about Seb with regard to women that are not worth repeating here in case they've been blown out of proportion or just rumors. (I get the whole "he may have changed" but a lot of the videos of him flirting with women or objectifying them is... not great and hopefully he's seen the error in that) but even if it's all untrue (and obv I hope it is) I'm only happy for his wife if she has openly stated herself that she voluntarily chose to remain largely invisible and put up with him being absent so often and her having to be the one to alter her life to be with him during the F1 season. if she hasn't clearly said that herself (a direct quote "" and not just a reporter stating it) then there's no point in us assuming it about her. and the Seb's words are not a replacement for her own, sorry.

I'm not at all a person to comment on this myself but I fully respect your experience babe <3 I personally know and know of a few ppl who got together in HS and ended up getting engaged or married and they're already cheating or breaking up so I also can't contradict you aslfgsjalgf

and just to say: while I (for all the reasons above) will never be yay I'm so glad Lily is tied to a man whose job absorbs his entire life I will NEVER say that outside these replies. I will always push support for Lily - and any gf Lando might have at some point - bc they deserve and need it in fandom. and any of our takes on these relationships are pointless and irrelevant anyway.

I think I covered my own feeling about this above and tbh it depends on the intent. if they're going to drop the woman in question if/when a breakup happens then yea that is super creepy and weird to make fan pages etc.

I like following certain wives and gfs accounts mostly bc I live vicariously through the glamour of their lives but I'd feel weird interacting with their content or making fan content of it when I know damn well I only started following them bc of a man.

it's tricky to say and I think it depends so much on the individual fan's intent and how they create that content y'know?

but god yeah, unless a ship is a joke openly shared by the men in question like carlando and dando then I need these official accounts to just not do rpf. it's why I tend not to rb when that happens with landoscar bc I so want this ship to remain mostly under the radar and not attract rpf truthers.

#inchreplies #wank adjacent #f1partnerstalk #(this was the hugely difficult one I agonized over for weeks lol)#for reference

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feralmoonlight · 1 year

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can you tell us more about your Krampus Eclipse? I can't find anything about him (them? idk what pronouns they use) on your blog

Had to think about this for a bit! Pronoun wise, probably would be a they/them/it/he in that order? Though as far as he's concerned most people don't encounter them long enough to really sort out what they saw past 'holy shit what was that thing???' Though I probably am gonna default to he/they since most of my other 'clips use he. LORE wise, there's sort of a 'legend' side and a 'truth' side, like with most mythical entities. Legend wise, he'd follow the basic 'takes away naughty children never to be seen again' and all the bells and whistles. A spooky holiday boogeyman intending to make children behave at threat of punishment instead of the rewards St.Nick might bring. One night of the year where danger is high, and then you're safe until it comes around again. The truth side is a bit different. TECHNICALLY he's not your average cryptid creature. A one of a kind entity more like an elemental spirit born from thousands upon thousands of human consciousness and morality, back in primal times, weaving into a monster of mortal fears, outwardly bearing features of prey while inside, underneath, a predator. A wolf in sheep's clothing, to an extent. Over millennia it's grown into the massive hulking creature it is now, feasting on those that break ancient laws that keep an ancient balance between what is just and what is emphatically wrong. Ideas that have not changed since the early days when man ran through the forests along side the wild beasts. Not putting away your toys when you're done would not get its attention. Keying your neighbors car for being an asshole, while rude, would not get its attention. Killing to protect oneself, or for food, would also not draw him near, because you can't fault a lion for killing a zebra. Killing for sport, however, would, if done in excess. The strength of ones soul, their convictions, their core, is what draws him initially. Children almost always are too new, too fresh, unripe and still learning and thus inherently innocent in his eyes. They haven't developed past the moral grey area that comes from a lack of experience, a void of empathy that must be taught and adopted into adulthood. Though only through touch can he pass his judgements. The ones that do catch his attention are usually an even split, those deemed naughty and those deemed nice. The 'nice' ones will be left alone, occasionally with a small token, though usually with nothing more than the fright his presences may cause. The 'naughty' ones, though... Well, the legend of being dragged off, the mystery of what happens to them after that is better left to the imagination. Though it isn't impossible to survive the encounter if a creatures transgressions are mild enough, just crossing the borderline where a souls path might be corrected for the better. Rare, but not impossible. Moments where this may be the case could stem from someone else's influence, misinformation, coercion, deceit. Not entirely the naughty ones own intention, though their actions are still their own. And a price must still be paid. There are souls, too, where their judgement is too borderline, walking in the grey where it hasn't teetered from one side to the other. Sometimes the encounter itself will lead to his decision, though it may leave him with confusion instead, and he will simply pass by. A rare second encounter may follow, months or even years on, when he returns to that area. Since he is one of a kind, and he has the whole world to travel.

#there's a little more rolling around in my head but I'm not sure how to actually phrase it yet?#krampus eclipse #beast eclipse #this guy

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milflewis · 1 year

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okay heres the rosquez history™️ im fully copying this from dms i sent my bff so- do not judge how it looks. i am truly sorry for this monstrosity and that you have to read it

okay so vale dominated the mid-2000s, he has 9 world titles, 7 from motogp (or 500cc back then) marc is uhhh 14 years younger i think? and he looked up to vale. like a lot. (he mightve had a poster of vale in his bedroom growing up)

and then marc starts riding in moto3 and moto2 and its like ‘holy shit that kid is so good’ but also he’s insanely aggressive ?? like so aggressive that he essentially develops a new riding style. and around that time there are a bunch of riders in motogp, namely vale and jorge lorenzo (who marc DID ACTUALLY have a poster of i think) telling marc to calm down and ride cleaner.

in 2013 marc moves up to motogp and life is good for him!! so good!! he becomes the youngest race winner ever and then the youngest motogp champion ever and hes like in love with vale and keeps making heart eyes at him but thats ok!! bc vale makes heart eyes at marc all the time too.

so in 2013 and 2014 everything is great 🫶🫶 theyre in love, vale invites marc to the ranch, blablabla theyre gay whatever. but then 2015 it all goes to shit

marc has a bunch of retirements so it becomes pretty clear that hes not winning the title again. but vale is very much in title contention (hes fighting jorge) plus marc and vale have fought like a lot of times on track and uhhh… things arent that great between them? but whatever bc at least its still cordial. until sepang where they’re fighting again and marc crashes and oops!! it looks like vale kicked marcs bike. vale gets a back of the grid penalty for the crash and he cant recover from that so jorge wins the 2015 title! and from that point marc and vale hate. each other. vale thinks that marc fought him so hard bc he didnt want vale to be champion/wanted a spanish rider to be champion and obvi marc is mad about the kick/alleged crash.

in 2016 they seem to make peace for a lil while? but then in 2018 argentine theyre fighting again. and like i said marc is really aggressive so he kind of crashes vale out? ( im biased towards marc he can do no wring sorry) and after the race marc goes over to vales motorhome to apologize but uccio (vales bff/truck driver/idrk hes just always there) sends marc away. vale later says that he did it bc he knew it wasnt a genuine apology ?

yeah and from that point on they just dont talk. they hate each other for a while, sure, but that fades to a dislike, and dislike fades into indifference and they just do not. care anymore

also there are a lot of other moments like the infamous handshake press interview thing, but also they apparently shook hands in private later? and them in 2020 marc crashes, misses a season, comes back in 2021 for like half a season, then vale retired blablabla they just don’t interact anymore but motogp still liked making them sit awkwardly next to each other in press conferences. uhh yeah that’s basically it but marc did talk abt vale recently and he talked abt how vale had a giant impact on the sport and also he said that he wouldnt act differently in 2015 bc vale was the one who lost his temper 💀💀

omg they really are strangers to hero worship to friends to lovers to enemies to reluctant colleagues with history to enemies again to strangers what the fuck. what is in motorsport water that makes men act like this

#anon you have my love for this thank you thank you. this was a rollercoaster of a read and i applaud you for your work #genuinely wheezing tho. like. can they be normal for once. can they #i need to know more. like. his bff sent marc AWAY ?????? insane. the vibe are so awful i am in love. is anyone surprised. no #sitting with this in my brain and seeing what will come out. hmm #rosquez #motogp lore #anon tag #niamh.asks

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ofmermaidstories · 10 months

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hello! i’m sorry for the long ask ahead, i just have a LOT to say 😭

so I read surrender, your bakugo fic, around last year. i was new to the fandom then so i didn’t really know the characters too well, i wasn’t that deep enough into the story to be fully invested in anything. and neither was I a huge bakugou simp (I like the villains more, shamefully admits it) BUT one thing was for sure – you got me hooked. you pulled me into the bakugou simp train, and i didn’t expect that at all. effortlessly, you made me fall in love with him, and I hope you don’t mind that I’m letting it all out. I just think you deserve to know how much i appreciate your story! but anyways, I read the fic again because its just been a tough time for me, and I went back to it because I remember it made me happy, and I’m so glad that its still able to make me feel giddy and blushing like its my first time reading it.

first of all, i think surrender is an absolute masterpiece. i don’t have enough words for it (I’m literally rambling rn) but PLEASE. PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN SUCH A MAGNIFICENT STORY AND THAT THROUGH THE SCREEN, your stories bring joy and warms people’s hearts. I think your writing style is so beautiful, emotional, passionate, and absolutely intelligent. I love the way that the story is written in the characters’ voices yet still keeps the writing format of storytelling, I love the way that you’re able to flesh out their characters so much. these characters, the ‘reader’, they all feel real. they feel like real people, and having to witness the development of their friendships, the familial bonds between the heroes and us, and the bond with bakugou – its stunning. its so human, its so gentle, and its captured me by the heart. i think you have a gift for writing, and please never ever think otherwise.

i also love how the dialogues just feel so personal. every word they speak is so them, its right down to who they are as who you wanted them to be. i love how you made YN so kind, and that her quirklessness, while a source of insecurity, didn’t really hold her back from being the radiant sunshine she is. i am a SUCKER for grumpy man x sunshine sweetheart tropes, and you absolutely nailed this one. LIKE HOLY SHIT I was actually rolling in bed and kicking my feet in the air whenever bakugou just stares at us when we smile. i can actually feel reader’s radiance, such a gentle soul. and bakugou – I’m not gonna lie, I think bakugou is challenging to write (I’m a writer myself, and I struggle writing him in romantic aspects.) I definitely get the appeal of bakugou in smut one shots, but I always wondered, “how would bakugou fall in love?” how is he like when he’s in love? we all know bakugou isn’t gentle (reference to a scene where bakugou feels he is too explosive in YN’s flower shop, and I can’t help but feel its a good allusion to how YN grew up in a soft, peaceful, quiet yet fragile environment as a quirkless person and Bakugou struggles controlling his explosiveness, and I just love how he’s trying so hard to take care of it – to tackle gentleness with gentleness) and it made me wonder how Katsuki is like in soft romance. and you just... blew my mind. really. your fic made me see bakugou in a new light, a beautiful new light, and I love him. I’m in love with everything about your story, and I look forward to reading more of your works because I just want to say that you made me fall in love with fanfiction all over again.

i’ve been reading anime fanfiction since 2021, but life was tough. i eventually stopped reading and drifted away from fics, but now I’m getting back to it and I cannot thank you enough for lighting this fire in my heart. that your stories are making me feel warm and I’m able to love something again that I once cared about. also, side note, but I think you’re such a cool person! I’ve seen your interactions, and your art is so stunning. it looks so soft, so gentle, and if someone asked me how I want love to be, I would say I want them to look like your art.

but yes, thank you for sharing your fics with us. its really beautiful, I wish I could say more because it really does mean a lot to me, and I want writers to know how appreciated they are. I’M SORRY THIS WAS TOO LONG, BUT LIKE THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH PLS HAVE A NICE DAY AND I HOPE ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE

Also an addition BUT I WANT BAKUGO SO BAD 😭😭😭

anon. 🥺 you’ve had to wait a while for this reply, and i’m so sorry—but i kept lingering over this message, like a little talisman. warding off insecurity and doubt. 🥺 i wanted to like—idk! give you a response worthy of your attention. reflect the sparkle and warmth of your words back to you. 🥺 especially considering how you mention that things have been a little tough, lately. 🥺

i’m glad the fic could be a distraction—or something fun. 📖🌷 welcome aboard the bakutrain! lmaooo. he’s such a funny, particular character to be into, i think; like canonically he’s such a lout! a horrible little gremlin! and with villain stannery it’s understandable, like, they’re villains LMAO, you expect them to act and react in certain ways—but when a hero character is so consistently unpleasant? idk, it’s just fun LOL. but i guess that’s also the attraction, at the end of the day, right? 🥺 in the same way that the tension between good and bad is so important to villain characters and their stories, i think a contrary character like bakugou is so much fun in a romance—because how does he fall in love? 🥺 he treats everyone—villain, hero, civilian, peer or mentor—the exact same way, so what does it take to get him to let his guard down and like, idk, stop barking at people??? you’re so right; that passion of his translates so well to smut one-shots, where it can be so easily physical. it’s just—how do you make the leap from being in bed together to being in love??

this is why i love the grumpy x sunshine trope too, though. 🥺 i know it’s a trope built on exceptions (you’re the one that softens him up; you’re the one he shows that side to), but i just—idk! those exceptions bring such a great emotional payoff, with a character like Katsuki. i think of like, kiribaku or bakudeku as examples—they’re absolutely ships that also rely on another character to be emotional foil to Katsuki. 🥺

i’ve said this before and i’ll keep saying it forever, but Weeds/surrender’s Reader is my baby. 🥺 my favourite child. i’ve always had a soft spot for quiet girlies—people who aren’t explosive personalities or need to like, shoot for the stars. people who enjoy tending to their lives or the people around them. romance is so often (by necessity) filled with Big Personalities—characters who can move a plot forward with like, action or passion. but the reason i was so attracted to the idea of x Reader fics in the first place was the promise of wish fulfilment that came with it—and i wanted a gentler character to be apart of this world. 🥺 i wanted Katsuki, who’s so used to sizing people up and learns so late what it means to truly rescue people, in canon, to like… meet and see someone he otherwise might not. to meet and see and then choose, because there’s something amid his determination and his strength and his fury that wants and responds to the optimism and doubt and sincerity in Weeds. 🌷🪻🌿🪲

idk anon—your words were so kind. 😭 getting this ask meant so much. 🥺 i hope things get easier. 🥺 whether that means backup arrives, or the universe cuts you a break—whatever you need it to be. i’m glad you found your way back to fics; you deserve to enjoy them when things are calm, too, so here’s to the immediate future easing up and letting you read them in peace. 📖💕

#ofmermaidstories-asks #anon… please 😭 i really don’t know how to convey how much this meant! thank-you 🥺💕#surrender-fic verse

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fantasticalleigh · 4 months

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LEIGH'S RIDICULOUSLY BIG TBR/TBW LISTS

like i mentioned before i am too busy/hesitant to actually consume a lot of new media (or at least be able to focus on it) so i'm critically behind on so much stuff. don't judge me pls :S lmao

anything in bold is something that i've begun but not finished :P tagging @snow-in-the-desert bc you expressed interest in seeing the lists!

TO READ:

The Love Hypothesis - Ali Hazelwood

The Hurricane Wars - Thea Guanzon

Winter's Promise - Christelle Dabos

The Stand - Stephen King

North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell

The Nightingale - Kristin Hannah

Little Women - Louisa May Alcott

Work - Louisa May Alcott

Don Quixote - Miguel de Cervantes

Dr. Sleep - Stephen King

The Secret History - Donna Tartt

The Last Duel - Erik Jager

Portrait of a Lady - Henry James

The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller

The Age of Innocence - Edith Wharton

The Great Mortality - John Kelly

Dead by Sunset - Ann Rule

Dracula - Bram Stoker

It's Lonely at the Center of the Earth - Zoe Thorogood

The Great Influenza - John M. Barry

The Monster of Florence - Douglas Preston

The Lottery and other stories - Shirley Jackson

Helter Skelter - Vincent Bugliosi with Curt Gentry

White Noise - Don DeLilo

Icebreaker - Hannah Grace

She Is a Haunting - Trang Thanh Tran

This Thing Between Us: A Novel - Gus Moreno

Parable of the Sower - Octavia E. Butler

^^ This is an incomplete list--I know there are others but these are the books I've bought over the past couple years and have not yet finished/ready. They are stacked on my desk and around my room, silently accusing me of neglect. I wither in shame. The rest of the list escapes me currently. This also doesn't include the tbrs currently on my e-reader since I can't remember where it is to see what's on there.

MOVIES/MEDIA TO WATCH:

Any Adam Driver movie that isn't on Netflix (House of Gucci, Annette, Paterson etc.) I have seen the Last Duel, Blackkklansman, This is where I leave you, Marriage Story, White Noise, Frances Ha and a few others). I know Ferarri is in theaters right now but I've kind of developed a phobia of theaters since 2020 :S

a ridiculous number of documentaries/video essays on youtube that I do not have the energy to go look for right now

Fall of the House of Usher (I love Mike Flanagan's work but I'm still hooked on Midnight Mass and Daddy Father Prewitt)

The Haunting of Bly Manor (I know everyone was obsessed with this and I meant to watch it but I was reading the Turn of the Screw when it came out and didn't want to get spoiled for it so I avoided it like the plague and finished the book but never got to watching the show)

Blue Eye Samurai

The Beguiled

Ugly Betty (I'm actually on season 2 and it's charming and funny but holy shit the amount of body shaming/slut shaming/ homophobia in this show. definitely a product of its time.)

Anne with an E

Fleabag (never finished it but thought it was amazing)

What we do in the shadows (have seen all but the most current season)

Reservation dogs

The Batman (2023)

Black Swan

The Crown

Band of Brothers

Demon Slayer

Whiplash

Wolf of Wall Street

Birds of Prey

Downton Abbey

Peaky Blinders

Nimona

Drag me to Hell

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Queen Charlotte (halfway through but haven't finished. i hate things that make me cry when i watch them so i have to be in a very specific mood to watch emotional heavy things)

Lady Bird

The Banshees of Inisherin

BARBIE (*ducks thrown rocks* I'll get to it, i SWEAR) (but i'm amazing at avoiding spoilers at this point i still know very little about the movie)

Men

Pearl

The Invisible Man

The Turning

Succession

Suspiria

Promising Young Woman

Shiva Baby

Luca

The Green Knight

Licorice Pizza

Bullet Train

The Menu

Women Talking

Knives Out + Glass Onion (*ducks more thrown rocks*)

Paddington 2!!!!

SHadow and Bone (honestly I lost almost all interest in reading/watching this once I heard the hot villain dies. BOOOO)

Carol

That one newish show with Adam Scott that looks super liminal and sci fi i can't remember the name

The Killing of a Sacred Deer

Oppenheimer

Killers of the Flower Moon

Guardians of the Galaxy 3

M3gan

Turning Red

Everything Everywhere All At once

Nope

Barbarian

Just like the book list, I'm sure there's many other titles I'm forgetting to put here. I actually have branched out and watched a fair amount of new movies this year so i'm going to keep it going! and here's one more list just because this is fun

Stuff I watched or read in 2023 that I loved/recommend (with the caveat that not all of this came out in 2023): (and i'm not including obvious stuff like Spider man across the spiderverse)

White Noise

Don't Look Up

Living in the Time of Dying (documentary on Youtube. It is HEAVY on existentialism and the science/data on the current state of climate change. This WILL ruin your day so I'm warning you now. Definitely don't watch it today. This really affected me and I cried for a long time after watching this but it is incredibly important to keep in mind.)

Blackkklansman (i had to watch this with the volume on the lowest setting bc of all the n words being dropped so frequently lmao but goddamn this was so good and funnier than i expected.)

DIMENSION 20: Burrow's End!!!!! As well as The Unsleeping City season 1. Neverafter and A Crown of Candy are probably at the lower end of the list but I still love them. (thank you to @rogueimperator for cluing me onto how amazing D20 and Dropout are. <3 this is a whole new world lol)

Midnight Sun :)

7. Christine and the Queens - Redcar les adorables étoiles Full show on Youtube. I was supposed to see him live in October but he got injured and had to cancel the rest of his tour :( but this album and the video are incredible! Slight warning for semi nudity.

8. Game Changer on Dropout. he's been here the whole time!

9. The 1975 live at Madison Square Garden. I was lucky enough to see them twice this tour with my twin sister and we had an absolutely amazing time. They always put on amazing shows and this particular tour/their latest album meant so much to us. Even our younger brother has come with us for some of these shows so it's something we all share. (Last time they came to Chicago in 2022 the venue was too small so they didn't have the House set with them so we didn't get to see it in action until this year) Sex and The Sound will always be the perfect closers for their shows and I get so emotional every time I hear them. Core memories for sure.

10. Puss in Boots: the last wish. this seems like another obvious answer that i probably could have left off but this gets an honorary mention because our family cat was diagnosed with advanced bone cancer in August, and we had to put him down very soon after that diagnosis. We spent an agonizing week tending to him and cherishing every last second we could get with him. I've been fortunate enough to never experience the death of a pet until this year, and i almost wish we didn't have any pets at all because I've never felt such excruciating grief. He was a fat, grumpy orange boy with beautiful yellow stripes and a little yellow mustache. I was trying to distract myself and found this movie on Netflix and watched it, then recommended it to my sister (who is actually Thomas's owner but we all shared him) though I warned her the movie did deal with themes on mortality. We all watched it together the night before his final vet visit and Tommy was there with us on a comfy pillow. I hope he approved of the movie, because now any time I think of Puss in Boots i think of him. <3

I could add more to this but my eyes are tired and I'm wired up from coffee. I know this is long as hell so sorry but I had fun making it! I'll probably keep coming back to this post in the future to cross out what I've watched.

#leigh speaks

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choctalksalot · 11 months

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@tipsygnostalgy HELLO HI UH THIS IS AN INCOMPLETE VERSION. i snipped out some bits because im throwing down anxiety in.the ring even posting this. im frankly a little embarrassed i can't give everything tonight even what i have down as okay to upload is not my top form at all, im just really really excitedaaaa i'll probably reblog the lovers post with a complete version eventually, but for now this is the best thanks i can offer for the nigh lethal dose of dopamine you've shot into my skull.

apologies in advance for my verbosity it's chronic

im posting dirk's half first because i definitely talked too much on jake's. it's almost double the length. i think it's partially because ive chewed through dirk so much i can make it through a considerable amount of his sections without dissolving completely. and i'm impatient!

note: my interactions with philosophy are limited to the two month bonanza i spent when i was 14 which i barely remember due to my general memory issues because my philosophy teacher was shit at his job and i took matters into my own hands, and uh. dirkjake! and one character from one other fandom. yeah. i am a nerd who loves breaking shit down, i love information, and i love philosophy nonetheless but i am So unqualified to be doing any of this

entry 1:

can i scream? i'm screaming. out loud. in real life. holy two fucks and a half. what do i even say it's So Good. dirk could excuse his inadequacy with the minute comfort that the brother he idolizes is functionally perfect in a way he could never conceivably live up to be. everything is shattered when he meets a version of him who is on the same footing. Yes. i literally have a post typed up about it.

im copypasting a small segment here but it's so close to exactly what you said im almost unnerved. mostly excited tho i am SHAKING

the most devastating thing to know is that dave is just a guy. dave strider, 16 year old. human and flawed and still enough in ways dirk never could be. what he did for his team his friends the things dirk couldn't, he is made to serve and no matter how hard dirk tries he cannot live up to be the same because this is not his role.

words? words. that's so much many words.

this is not his class. he is doomed to be selfish, his thread is already in the tapestry and he falls right into the path no matter how much he fights it. what can be counted as him indirectly the plot was created at the service/detriment to himself (hal) and what is himself directly aiding his party is in fact orchestrated by other more helpful, more selfless people and he hates it so much.

YES IT'S EXACTLY THAT RIGHT THERE RIGHT RIGHT THERE dirk is so so So aware that he is selfish that he cannot help the people he cares about oh so deeply and the knowledge that dave on his own, after being hurt so much "more" than dirk direct abuse he was able to pull through, he was still enough. shit man !!!!!!!

funnily enough i think dirk might have been able to learned new skills to do with his classpect besides the passive narrative bend it has on everything he does to destroy. this is entirely theory but your classpect and your development with it helps you develop as a person. it's like a muscle if you think about it; the more you use it, the closer you get to its core, the more you learn to bend ithad he tried to use it (resisting the urge to say like dave did because that will stomp on the shattered pieces of my heart) i think he would have gotten a bit more control over his position in the narrative if it makes sense.

ironically, i think learning how to direct the destructice force his classpect gives him might have allowed him to get a hold on said narrative bending, and stop unintentionally wrecking shit. but doing Anything as a prince is the last thing dirk wants.

(god it's so tragic this theory is so tragic without it dirk was always doomed to the inevitable but with it he could have done better in his eyes nevermind that destruction of selves isn't always bad if you know how to direct it, see bgd @ aranea, but it literally requires him to take the path he's trying to hard to fight. you define how your classpect changes you. oh dirk.)

i think a lot about this if you can't tell

FUCK IM GETTING OFF TRACK. STOP OKAY CAN THE THEORIES FUCK.

[insert 2 paragraphs more of me screaming about the katana line hally lieu yeah]

entry 2:

HAL MY FAVOURITE KENTUCKY FRIED FUCKER HELLOOOO HELLO OOHOHOGO

god my old hyperfixation on deep learning models is coming back to bite me in the jungular. delightful slash gen

dirk does love his control mhmm mhmm god im gonna go dig up that picture my friend sent me once one sec

that's who he wants to be. so badly

he Hates not understanding shit prides himself on being the (im quite sure it's part of how he gauges his use. he has a very utilitarian view on it. being the one to pull the strings thus being useful by virtue of organizing their success. proceeds to eat gcatshit trying)

i think a part of why dirk insists so fucking much that hal is Not him and Not alive could be one of two 2 reasons, beyond the already tangled pumpkin patch of conflict.

1) not taking credit for hal's contributions. the fact that hal has served the team without dirk's direct orders + dirk's objective pride about being the puppetmaster, he wouldn't want this tied to him

i doubt this one honestly, it's incoherently explained on its own because it's really late but also it just there's a lot of holes in the logic here. the second one breaks my heart a little:

2) if he accepts hal to be sentient, he has to accept he has created a new conscious person. he cannot cling to any notion that he did help his friends, he created an intelligent AI and that tool he made in turn was used to aid and guide his friends. he is still in control here. he still helped, he built that bot and it helped.

right?

[cutoff point 2. im rushing. im so sorry ajsjaj]

entry 3:

killing me

"He likes emotion, he likes people, he just wants to be completely perfect when interacting with them so that he’ll never lose them." YES. YES. YES YES YES yes okay yes exactly Yes

this is one of the things i headbutt against in dirk fandom stuff a lot (even borzoi's take once i think correct me if im wrong) it's the fact that i think dirk likes people. he's been alone his whole life yet he delights in dialectics and dialogue, he's socially awkward and introverted but he's not socially averse. i am not gonna let myself run over the hills and far away with this tangent but i am hushdhsj AAAAA

what he doesn't like is feeling inadequate interacting with people. he doesn't like being inadequate in general he reflects on his flaws near constantly and the biting reminder of his alternate selves' sins in the back of his mind doesn't help, but with people he Cares About interacting with them he does not like not knowing what to do, he does not like being unable to navigate these situations. he likes being human and experiencing emotions and connection and he hates the fact that it requires error to the trials, he just wants to be entirely logical while still having a metaphorical right brain totally not a big thing to ask for ahshdhskjrh[explodes]

AHAAAAA SISYPHUS YYYES YES YRS EYSBEYDHHWHEHSHEHD FUCK YES oh man i am much more a theatrical literature person so this is ringing off bells in the wrong direction than intended but im reading reading reading chewing

"upon facing the question of the absurd in the fullest extent, one can either choose to kill themselves or make a ‘reply.’" hogh

two roads: become god, or kill yourself. jesus fuck that's a screwed up twitter thread if ive seen one. and of course he picks the secret third option: Both. absolute DiStri Moment™

fuckitweballkind that's joining my regular vocabulary holy shit your language is amazing

this feels like an extension of dirk's dilemma between subjective experience with objective control; coming to grapple with the unpredictability of his absurdist existence and his solution being to take control of the narrative entirely. i feel like there are a lot more dots i could connect here. i will sleep on this

[addition i feel is important even though it has minimal connection as of right Now:

roxykisser put out something about classpects and the ult self being the literal narrative very recently and how they tie into the narrative and it's That it's that. my take is partly influenced by past fandoms but it has always ruined me that in order to god tier, quite literally, you're killing the person you were before the embrace the narrative role. you the actor are giving up your freedom to the performance, and the closer you get to your classpect the more you embrace the narrative. in return, you gain more flexibility and control in said narrative, more ways to use your classpect. to become the ult self is to become the role. you kill the person, you become the role, but at the cost of your self, your mind may be driven by the consciousness of an amalgamation of every You, but your core is now your role.

im incorporating and altering this with my consumption]

really hope this is like at least mildly entertaining i have no idea what im doing but!!!! I Am So Abnormal About Everything i love this i love you i love love this so Much

#choc talks #A LOT.#about dirk #not gonna maintag any of this because i intend to keep this as down low as possible aksjsjas it's unpolished unfinished #everything everything this is everything to me GAH I LOVE YOUR MIND

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