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jemmydoolz · 4 years

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Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

#my fic #holy fuck #i did that !!!#thats a whole ass 1874 words babeyyy!!!!!#fahc #fahc ryan #fahc jeremy #fahc au #angst #battle buddies #fake ah ryan #fake ah jeremy #fake ah crew #fake ah au #minor suicide mention #suicide mention tw #ragehappy

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emilemiblem · 5 years

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Nervous

For @razzleyd and their wonderful high school au. Purposely cheesy and a bit cliche, but I just wanted to have fun with it. Hope you enjoy it, and I can’t wait to see more of such a wonderful AU!

Jeremy never understood why certain groups in high school didn’t interact with each other. He’s not sure how it was decided that the jocks wouldn’t talk to anyone in the arts, nor did he understand why it was such a big deal if they did. He appreciated both of the social groups, being captain of the gymnastics team and loving music more than anything.

So when he gained a crush on the lead actor in the school’s musical, he found himself in quite the dilemma.

Ryan Haywood was talented, there was no way to deny that. His singing in music class was something that Jeremy envied, never having gained an incredible singing voice. When Michael had dragged him to go see the musical, mostly to taunt them, he had put up quite a fight, but the moment Ryan came on stage and opened his mouth, Jeremy found himself head over heels.

Part of him wondered if Ryan felt the same way. He’d seen Ryan looking his way during the morning stretches for gymnastics, what Jeremy could only assume being blush dusting his cheeks.

Around his free period, Jeremy found himself sitting in the back row of the theater as the drama kids were tearing down the set of the musical, the final show been the night before. Jeremy scanned over the various kids helping tear the set down in search of Ryan, a smile creeping onto his face as he spots the familiar blonde ponytail, the boy talking to the drama teacher.

Jeremy could look at that man all day.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” he hears a voice ask from behind him, making him turn. It’s Michael, his best friend and fellow member of the gymnastics team, staring at him with an eyebrow raised. “I thought you said you were going to spend your free period practicing.”

The sudden reminder of the lie he had told his team has Jeremy smacking himself. “Fuck, yeah I was, but then I remember I needed to, um, talk to Mr. Ramsey for a second.” Smooth.

Michael seems to accept that, though he stills appears to be hesitant. “Alright, I won’t tell the team you were in here if that’s what you were afraid of.” He looks up and smirks at the kids on the stage. “You could have just told me you were here for Mr. Drama King, I wouldn’t have judged.”

Jeremy splutters. “Um, I’m not here for some stupid drama kid. I’m waiting for the teacher.” Again, smooth.

Michael rolls his eyes. “Yeah, okay, tell yourself that. Like I said, I won’t tell the team.” He then leaves, Jeremy releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding as soon as he’s gone. He looks back towards the stage, where he sees Ryan lifting up a piece of set and holy mother of god that boy has biceps.

“You need something?“

He jumps at the sound of Ryan’s voice, snapping out of his little daze when he sees the drama boy smiling at him, the piece of set resting on his shoulder.

“Yes,” Jeremy says, but immediately retracts it. “Shit, I mean, no?”

Ryan laughs as Jeremy stumbles to find the right words, a beautiful sound. “Alright, well you better get going then, us drama kids don’t exactly like it when there’s a jock in here. Last time that happened we were egged and I don’t really want to relive that.”

Jeremy bites his lip, knowing very well how that went down. It had been a Senior on the football team, having gathered a bunch of the players to do the deed. Jeremy didn’t find out until after it had happened when the egg covered drama kids stalked out of the theater furious. He’d felt horrible.

“I’m sorry about that,” Jeremy tells him, offering a soft smile. “I had no part in it, and I didn’t know about it until afterward. I can promise you that is not the reason I’m here.”

“Oh? Then why are you?”

Jeremy was stumped. He wasn’t ready to tell Ryan the truth, not yet anyway. He just wanted another glimpse at the beautiful boy during his free period that’s all. “I, uh, wanted to..”

“See me?” Ryan finishes and Jeremy blushes deeply. “I happened to overhear your friend, he’s louder than he thinks.” He adjusts the set piece on his shoulder. “Follow me out to the dumpsters, we can talk there.”

The dumpsters were the only part of the school that no one hung around. It was a disgusting place that always smelled rotten, which made it the perfect place for two kids from different cliques to talk. As soon as Ryan dumped the piece of set into the trash he turned to Jeremy. “Talk.”

“I saw the musical,” Jeremy starts. “You were phenomenal, probably the greatest actor this school has ever seen. I, um, wanted to tell you that in person.” He’s blushing again, he can feel his cheeks growing hot.

Ryan is blushing too now, and it’s adorable. “Really? Well, uh, thank you. I really appreciate that, especially coming from someone like you.”

“Not all jocks are assholes you know,” Jeremy informs him. “Some of us, like me, kind of like the drama kids. I think you are all underappreciated,” he leans in a little closer. “Not to mention cute.”

Now it’s Ryan flushing red, biting down on his bottom lip. “Well not all us drama kids hate jocks. I happen to think you are probably the nicest one of them all.”

Jeremy grins. “I try to be.” There is silence. “So, um, is there a chance that you might be interested in going out with me?”

Ryan hums. “Maybe, but I’m not sure how our fellow classmates would react to something like that. There could be riots in the hallways, Jeremy Dooley.”

The statement makes Jeremy chuckle, playfully rolling his eyes. “Well, let there be riots, Ryan Haywood because I really want to take you out on a date, and kiss you at the very end of it.”

Ryan smirks. “You could kiss me now if you’d like, nobody here but the dumpsters.”

Jeremy takes him up on that offer, kissing him sweetly on the mouth. It’s soft, tingling, and it makes Jeremy feel on top of the world. When Ryan pulls away, Jeremy can’t help but chase after his lips, only for Ryan’s index finger halt him.

“It can be our little secret.”

#jeremwood #battle buddies #drabbles by emi #ragehappy

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