#I really don’t want people to read this unless they want to

[kunikloj]

TW: Mother’s Day, gaslighting, mother mention, father mention, CSA mention. Don’t feel bad scrolling past this.

Last two hours of Mother’s Day. I’ve managed to push away the guilt and pain so far.

I know what the last two hours of the day are like, though. The last two hours of the day are always the same, holiday or not. For some reason, I can never keep up the charade in the final stretch.

I didn’t even text her to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. I know she noticed. She’s probably feeling a lot of pain over it. And she’s probably crying to my dad about it, wondering why I won’t come home to see her.

And my dad is comforting her, acting like he doesn’t know either. Like I’ve just gone off the rails for no reason and decided to cut them out of my life gradually over the course of three and a half years.

He can keep acting like he doesn’t know, because he knows she will believe him. And if she believes him, everyone else will believe him too.

And I’ll just be here, the formerly good kid who went crazy and decided to lob accusations of CSA at him. The kid who tarnished a good man’s name. The kid so ungrateful that he would rather destroy his father’s life than admit he’s going through psychosis.

As long as she believes him, I can’t trust her. As long as I believe myself, she can’t trust me.

I miss you, mom. It hurts every day.

I wish I mattered enough for you to believe me.

#tw mom mention #tw mothers day #tw mother mention #tw mother issues #tw csa #tw csa vent #personal #cw vent #vent #tw sad thoughts #tw csa mention #tw parents #tw gaslighting #csa survivor #male survivors #that should cover it #I really don’t want people to read this unless they want to #I’m just sad

[marisatomay]

i’m so sick of writers who proudly proclaim that they don’t read and directors and actors and other filmmakers who smugly say that they rarely watch movies or any artist who acts like an audience is stupid for connecting with their work like what the fuck is wrong with you that you hold such contempt such derision for the art that you have chosen to make the art that so many people dream of the opportunity to make the art that brings meaning and connection to people’s lives it’s unbelievably disrespectful to both your audience and the art-form and if you can’t muster basic respect for either your art-form or your audience then kindly fuck off and do something else

#i hate how rare it is to have an actor be like ‘yeah i just really love movies and going to the movies it’s the best i love what i do’ #to the point where when an actor or director IS like that people are like ‘wow what a freak…they’re faking it for attention’ like!! no!! #that’s what it’s SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE!! you WANT creators who are obsessed with their medium!!! #and what gets me about the people who don’t feel that way is the clear Pride they feel like they’re Better for not caring #that uk ya author adapting the odyssey and admitting that they’ve never read the odyssey or the iliad #that writer on twitter saying that telling writers to read is ableist #the russo brothers saying that the theatrical experience is elitist and auteurism should bow to the disney/netflix model #christain bale and any number of other actors who proudly announce that they don’t watch movies #sam levinson who talks about tv like it’s a long movie because he can’t hack it as a filmmaker like his dad but he doesn’t actually LIKE tv #like i get not wanting to consume your own work after it’s released unless it’s for research or self reflection purposes #but you do not exist or create in a vacuum and it’s SO disrespectful and arrogant to act like you do

[ssreeder]

i never realized you were getting those rude comments I'm so sorry, ao3 has a newer feature that makes you able to block certain accounts from commenting, so if you're getting multiple comments from the same person you can block them

awwww I promise I’m just being sensitive & over dramatic because they really aren’t that bad! Im sure people get much worse & I truly get so many positive compliments I shouldn’t dwell on the handful I have gotten that I deem to be rude.

I did learn about that new feature on ao3!! It’s pretty cool they let you do that!

Thanks anon <3

#I don’t get that many #if I got 1000 comments I’d say 10 have been ‘rude’ #it’s more like… one person tries to be helpful #like give me some advice #even though I didn’t ask for it lol #which is fine! #then another person will add their advice #& then sometimes another person will add theirs #which it’s just #who wants to read that?? ya know?? #it’s me just sensitive #but I also think we live in a world where everyone on the internet has an opinion #& everyone wants to be heard #so they’re screaming in spaces not designed for that #from what I understand #ao3 authors don’t want feedback unless they specifically ask for it #& I do ask for feedback!! from people I trust and people I send my doc to before posting #I don’t ask stranger anon commenter on ao3 they didn’t like this or that or this was weird #anyway it’s really not a big deal #it just happened the last like two chapters in a row & idk I am moody sometimes and I took them too hard #I’m not perfect I KNOW THIS #but jeez I’ve been writing for two ish three idk years only leave me the fuck alone #just posting my shitty stories on ao3 #for the handful of people who wanna read them #anyway thanks anon #I don’t really wanna keep talking about this #because I really get HUNDREDS of kind comments and asks and I have a beauitful following #but idk this irked me lately and I know it’s made me less confident #& less enthusiastic to post new chapter #(but not less enthusiastic to write them haha)

[scholarhect]

not trying to be hostile, just saying it aggressively because i love the sound of my own voice -> haven’t listened to that audio clip but i don’t care if moira quirk made out with her hand in front of the mic, decisions made in the making of the audiobook mean nothing. and if you read the full book instead of just that couple sentences everybody likes to point to in isolation, it’s clear what’s going on there, & it’s not the two of them kissing each other. pet peeve sorry i’ve been bugged about this forever. do people really think this?

#not that i’m a prude it’s just genuinely misinfo. it’s a misinterpretation it’s actually wrong #i can explain my stance but i would feel overdramatic laying it all out unprompted. so i won’t #also it wouldn’t even make any fucking sense in the context of the scene. the dialogue. why would they kiss in the middle of that convo? #unless the audiobook clip people are posting is different from the excerpt im thinking of #again. haven’t listened to it. don’t really want to #haven’t heard much of the audiobook & will be keeping it that way for the foreseeable future #but if people are talking about the same scene they’re usually talking about… lol #post tag #tlt #uhhhhhhhh ok since anybody who knows what i’m talking about would read this post & know it’s about incest i do have to trigger tag don’t i #incest cw

[arthur-r]

emily wilson out here translating the iliad and i am once again wishing i knew how to read and translate ancient greek

#listen where there’s a will there’s a way but i just finished my degree audit and looks like i will only be able to manage a classics minor #with latin emphasis (unless i abandon latin for greek which i’m not going to do even though it pains me) #but i really want to make my own iliad someday…. #at this rate i’ll only ever end up making a queer prose adaptation and be criticized for projecting modern notions of sexuality onto a #completely different set of values and social understandings of homosexuality…. #(which. if anything there should be more gay people in the song of achilles. don’t be mean to me i promise i understand ancients) #anyway i might just have to make a book of poetry or a novel adaptation or whatever whatever but what if i want to learn the script #and painstakingly translate every single word through years and years of dedication. while also being a librarian as my main thing #shdhdhdf i’m never gonna be classics scholar enough to professionally translate. and if i were it would be latin. but i can dream…. #anyway i’m no longer failing my french class (have a 70% that should only be going up) but i’m still failing historical linguistics #my latin grade is great i’m acing it but my library science class is a D (which should be fixed in two days though — just needs more data) #so i am giving myself permission to sleep early tonight and go into class well rested for once. i’m not feeling well but that’s a constant #anyways if anyone reads the wilson iliad let me know!! i’m a fake fan of her work and haven’t read her odyssey (something about the iliad…. #there’s a brutality and a raw humanity to it that puts the odyssey at a lower priority to me) but im so freaking excited to read her iliad #i have to prioritize schoolwork but soon. i’ll have to ask my latin teacher about it tomorrow though she’s an iliad enjoyer #anyway good news i think i’ll be able to get a history major with certificates in digital studies and classical studies (the two genders….) #and graduate comfortably in four years with honors in the major. this is ignoring how i’m failing my classes. i promise i won’t be forever #anyways the point is: wilson’s iliad — i will read it as soon as possible and i’m very excited #also i checked out a book from the library called the lexicographers dilemma: the evolution of proper english from shakespeare to south park #but i haven’t had the chance to read it and soon it will be due…. college is evil i’m too busy learning things to learn other things!!!! #anyway if i do honors in the major then i’m excited to eventually earn credit from a capstone thesis which i would do on lexicography #throughout history with an emphasis on classification systems and basically peter mark roget #ok anyway. wandering all over the place but the point is. wilson’s iliad. very exciting. can’t wait to find the time #and eventually i will write an iliad adaptation of my own i will. just not a full translation shdhdf that’s an unrealistic goal #especially when again. my capstone project is going to be about taxonomy of ideas. ancient epics are secondary…. #anyway i hope everybody is doing well!! i am going to bed soon-ish but other than that i am around so lmk if you need anything #me. my post. mine. #college talk #delete later

[floral-hex]

no see I WILL write something eventually, I haven’t been putting it off, I’ve just been uhhhhh cultivating the story for a couple of years yeah yeah

#stop cultivating and start harvesting idiot #no but I CAN’T write until I have at least a dozen books of story ready to go #how am I supposed to foreshadow anything if I don’t know what’s going to happen 500 chapters later??? #how am I supposed to write a character even a minor one if I don’t have their entire future backstory and parent’s backstory planned out?? #I can’t worldbuild unless I plan out all of the major cities including their political systems religions economy food production trade etc #also I just don’t want to sit down and write #so I just sit an worldbuild in my head all day #I have been for like two years now this is the longest I’ve seriously ‘worked on’ (ie daydreamed) a story in my head #and it’s really cliche and has a billion well worn tropes but it’s like… this is my comfort world building #and by comfort I mean really kinda fucked up world but whatever every edgelord or loser with an over active imagination has one #I need to read more people’s uhh… like.. not published authors… like tumblr users writing or whatev. like what is it called ao3? that stuff #not to be negative to them or anything but to like hype myself up #like see you don’t have to be a big named author to put your mind out there #I’m just kind of babbling here #suddenly reminded that a book I like John Dies At The End was originally released chapter by chapter online #so like… you don’t have to be like ‘this has to be put out whole in one book to be real writing’ #I just need to write for fun but im a very shy boy 🥺 #im fucking 34 im not a little boy I have to remind myself #anyway… if any mutuals read this much and you write online you should message me something you have that you like so I can read it #and I’ll be extra sweet and supportive and happy bc you’ll be helping me and I’ll get to support you #or whatever. I dunno. this is dumb. I’m sorry for wasting your time! jeez! #you can ignore this #text

[here-but-forgotten]

there’s nothing like passionately talking about something— especially after listening to others talk intently— and realizing halfway through that no one is listening, so you stop talking, and no one even notices.

anyway tears are really good mascara removers if you don’t use waterproof

#vent #tw vent #cw vent #I’m sorry I know I keep ranting and venting #i just don’t really have people to go to for these things #i have two and I already feel like a burden #so I jsut put it here so people can ignore so it’s off of my chest but I don’t think anyone reads these #if you were curious I went to an art museum today and wanted to talk about it with family and no one listened unless I asked if they were #and then it just sounded like they were trying to entertain a toddler

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

so apparently theres an interest check on twitter foe a kiamei zine going around, may i ask your thoughts on the matter?

personally i’m not interested, but my advice would be to check whether the person organizing it has run zines before/done research on running a zine, whether they’ve PARTICIPATED in a zine, and whether they have bullied people or dabbled in weird purity politics before

Former is red flags for your money. Latter is red flags for your sanity and may indicate an inclination to enforce one’s own ideology on others, and i’d never want to support that kinda person, especially after that twitter debacle with the Elden Ring zine the other day.

#asks #honkai impact #hi3 #basically an artist got blacklisted out of the blue #because they drew something that allegedly made someone in the community uncomfortable in the past #and the mod was like yes of course i shall yeet the Impure Ones #spoiler alert this isn’t a professional or good way to treat people #it’s okay to not like someone’s art. it’s even okay to find it morally disgusting if you’re really not into whatever #what is not okay is to weaponize YOUR boundaries to affect other peoples lives #if you’re not the target audience. that’s fine. not everything is made for you #a little discomfort is humbling actually #you’ll never reach a point where you’re 100% away from anything you don’t like #unless you plug yourself into the matrix or smth #is it brainwashing you want? getting brainwashed to pony land #this rant got away from me #if you’ve read this far. remember to always treat people with compassion #kindness goes a long way

[scientia-rex]

When I was in ninth grade I wanted to challenge what I saw as a very stupid dress code policy (not being allowed to wear spikes regardless of the size or sharpness of the spikes). My dad said to me, “What is your objective?”

He said it over and over. I contemplated that. I wanted to change an unfair dress code. What did I stand to gain? What did I stand to lose? If what I really wanted was to change the dress code, what would be my most effective potential approach? (He also gave me Discourses on the Fall of Rome by Titus Livius, Machiavelli’s magnum opus. Of course he’d already given me The Prince, Five Rings, and The Art of War.)

I ultimately printed out that phrase, coated it in Mod Podge, and clipped it to my bathroom mirror so I would look at it and think about it every day.

What is your objective?

Forget about how you feel. Ask yourself, what do you want to see happen? And then ask, how can you make it happen? Who needs to agree with you? Who has the power to implement this change? What are the points where you have leverage over them? If you use that leverage now, will you impair your ability to use it in the future? Getting what you want is about effectiveness. It is not about being an alpha or a sigma or whatever other bullshit the men’s right whiners are on about now. You won’t find any MRA talking points in Musashi, because they are not relevant.

I had no clear leverage on the dress code issue. My parents were not on the PTA; neither were any of my friend’s parents who liked me. The teachers did not care about this. Ultimately I just wore what I wanted, my patent leather collar from Hot Topic with large but flattened spikes, and I had guessed correctly—the teachers also did not care enough to discipline me.

I often see people on tumblr, mostly the very young, flail around in discourse. They don’t have an objective. They don’t know what they want to achieve, and they have never thought about strategizing and interpersonal effectiveness. No one can get everything they want by being an asshole. You must be able to work with other people, and that includes smiling when you hate them.

Read Machiavelli. Start with The Prince, but then move on to Discourses. Read Musashi’s Five Rings. Read The Art of War. They’re classics for a reason. They can’t cover all situations, but they can do more for how you think about strategizing than anything you’re getting in middle school and high school curricula.

Don’t vote third party unless you can tell me not only what your objective is but also why this action stands a meaningful chance of accomplishing it. Otherwise, back up and approach your strategy from a new angle. I don’t care how angry you are with Biden right now. He knows about it, and he is both trying to do something and not doing enough. I care about what will happen to millions of people if we have another Trump presidency. Look up Ross Perot, and learn from our past. Find your objective. If it is to stop the genocide in Palestine now, call your elected representatives now. They don’t care about emails; they care about phone calls, because they live in the past. I know this because I shadowed a lobbyist, because knowing how power works is critical to using it.

How do you think I have gotten two clinics to start including gender care in their planning?

Start small. Chip away. Keep working. Find your leverage; figure out how and when to effectively use it. Choose your battles, so that you can concentrate on the battle at hand instead of wasting your resources in many directions. Learn from the accumulated wisdom of people who spent their lives learning by doing, by making mistakes, by watching the mistakes of their enemies.

Don’t be a dickhead. Be smarter than I was at 14. Ask yourself: what is your objective?

[grahammmzcrackerrz]

I realize that saying I want him to dominate tf out of me then not giving any examples may have been the reason why he didn’t really do it :,3 so I’m gonna list examples…

Initiating stuff just by touching me whenever you feel like, randomly put your (recently washed/cleaned) hands down my boxers while we’re cuddling, watching something, play fighting, etc and I’ll pass out /pos. I’ve said this before but PLEASE ask me to lay on you and start moving my hips with your hands to make me hump your thigh, I’d suck you dry on the spot. I’m 99.99999% free use, please use me :,3

Not letting me pull you down by your hair ever, pulling away or freezing every single time I try to pull you down. And every time I try to yank you down please make me ruin unless I beg, it’s up to you on if you let me cum or ruin but I like when you’re a mean owner :>

Make me use my words, manhandle me!!, give me commands and praise. Call me mean names in a mean tone then go back to praising me with your nice caring normal tone

Please mark me :< I need them so bad it’s not even funny. Especially my chest and almost neck cause I can see them better :>> I really like when you uh use your mouth on my chest, especially certain parts :,3 and maybe pull my hair during it please :> pretty please

I’m not exactly sure what fetish thing this stems from or whatever but I like when you almost inspect (D,: ??) me. Like when you gently pull at my inner thighs and ass to get more in or to just look… you’ve done it a few times and I really really liked it. Last weekend you did it and I finished like immediately..

I also ofc post a ton about what would make my brain turn off that I didn’t include here cause I can’t really remember right now :3 I’m sorry this was so long also :<

#sorry this is really long #I know you don’t like reading super long posts #please dont interact with this unless your my boyfriend #I’ll fr feel sick istg #puppygraham rambles :3 #nsft but I don’t want people seeing this really #:3

[binx0r]

Legit question: would it be weird to tell someone

“It makes me happy to know you exist”

Bc like… that’s a sentiment I feel a lot esp when I don’t have the ability to interact as much as I’d like to with people but I see them living their lives and it gives me deeply good feelings

Like regardless of whether we cross paths I know you well enough to appreciate you’re part of the universe and that fact brings me joy

Like is that inappropriate in any way?

#personal #super you can ignore this #im probably not gonna say it either way bc it’s awkward #I’m not even high rn I just have a lot of emotions #like I just sometimes really want to let people know how great it is they’re alive and being who they are #but I don’t know how to express that in a way that actually communicates that #especially when it’s like not tied to any specific behaviour or relationship or expectation #I’m going through it and I have really low social capacity and it’s really getting to me #I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or wonder what I’m trying to accomplish by being like really intense #what are boundaries? why are they so adaptive? how do you express love that isn’t asking for anything in return? #idk #it also feels like I ask this kind of thing too much but that’s also potentially in my head #I don’t actually need reassurances I just wanted to put it out there #like… maybe… maybe instead of saying it directly I can express this in a way where people don’t feel the need to interact with it #unless THEY choose to #no pressure #yeah… that’s maybe the middle ground here #so I can stop fucking thinking about it without directly making it anyone else’s problem #anyway if you see this and read all this shit and we’ve ever interacted I mean you #good job existing (sincere) #the world is better with you in it 😊

[prefrontal-bastard]

I’m not sure if this is permitted in other countries, but here in the US, advertisers are allowed to use any kind of malignant psychology they want in their ads so long as those ads fit within the allotted time-frame.

Back in high school, my class watched a video on how a certain Coca-Cola advertisement was made. You may have seen it, but for those who haven’t: The ad featured a cinematic montage of a crowded beach with smiling thin white people enjoying their leisure time and drinking Coca-Cola out of a common plastic bottle.

The big takeaway from this video was that the ad wasn’t actually advertising Coca-Cola. It was advertising a lifestyle. By associating Coca-Cola with a desirable lifestyle (as well as qualities associated with desirability) it plants the association of “Coca-Cola” with “happiness” in people’s subconscious minds.

This becomes clear when you consider who the ad was meant for. The target audience wasn’t the smiling thin white people that the ad featured, but instead it was people who wanted to be smiling thin white people. This was an ad for the Gen X mom of three kids who worked full-time, who relied on shelf-stable foods to keep everyone fed, and whose nervous system was chronically fried from the stress of never having adequate time for herself.

If she was at the grocery store, and saw the very same bottle of Coca-Cola featured in that ad, she’d be far more likely to pick it up than she was before watching it. If she didn’t anticipate finding relief for her stress, then she could at least drink up the idea of it.

Of course, the thing about ads is that they stop working. Eventually, people’s minds grow wise to the fact buying a certain product doesn’t actually grant them the lifestyle associated with them.

But there’s a lot of other tricks ads employ beyond this.

The reason why Geico is the first company you consider when thinking about buying car insurance is because of the calm, consistent nature of their ads and the fact they’re ubiquitous enough to be familiar. Their mascot forms a kind of parasocial rapport with the audience, so Geico already feels familiar to you by the time you’re looking to buy insurance.

Cereal brands use cartoon-character-like mascots to make their product memorable to kids who can’t read. The reason why so many cereal mascots exhibit such frenetic, possessive behavior is to teach kids to emulate that behavior to compel parents into buying them the cereal, especially if they saw that behavior rewarded in the ad (with the cereal).

You only really see ads for apps on an app-based devices for a reason.

Then there are the ads that don’t look like ads, but look like people on TikTok sharing a new secret product with their audience using the only communication format we regularly trust: word-of-mouth.

And let’s not forget the sheer magnitude of ads that exist. I can’t go outside without seeing them. I can’t watch videos online without exposing myself to ads that wants to skewer my emotions within 10 seconds.

There’s no reprieve from it unless I wall myself off from our culture entirely.

Ads are parasites to both culture and to cognition, and they must be regulated.

#chatter #psychology

[ladyofpembroke]

.

#I reread my wh**l of time fic today for the first time since I stopped writing it #and it was good (I think at least lol) and fun and I enjoyed reading it and I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments #but it’s a niche post canon fic in a small fandom so naturally there’s not a ton of interest which is literally understandable #but then I got to the chapter where no one left a comment and I remembered why stopped writing #like one chapter would take me a whole month to write because I wasn’t fast and getting little to no feedback just kinda sucks #and I know people don’t want to hear people complaining about this but external motivation is a huge driver #I mean I have a very vivid imagination I don’t have to write a story to experience it so yes a huge factor is validation #and I know more people were reading it it got hits when I updated #idk I was kinda rereading it in the hopes I work on it again this summer #but idk at least if I work on my original fiction I won’t get my hopes up for comments unless I send it to my irl bestie #or I even have been thinking about writing in a different fandom where I know I’d get more interaction #I’m just such a slow writer that I can only really focus on one #idk even know what this post is meant to be just me moping I guess