#I think this might be the only time a maladaptive daydreaming episode turned into something positive and not a waking nightmare

[fishyspider]

In the time it took to listen to the entire Beetlejuice album I created this whole AU very very loosely revolving around (the Broadway version of) Beetlejuice... Only to figure out I had mixed up which Andrea was which. But instead of just scraping the idea I spent two years trying to make it work with what I had already created. It's stuck in my head, and I gotta get it out.

The monsters/villains get their own cozy afterlife where they're stuck where they died. Andrea Russett is supposed to die in ep8 but when she doesn't it freaks the afterlife system out (don't ask how this works, I don't have an answer) and Andrea Brooks gets yoinked from her restful afterlife into a Victorian mansion filled with vampires.

Can vampires eat ghosts? Nobody knows, but they'll sure try! They're hungry, a certain lesbian vampire has decided their names are close enough for it to work. Alison just wants to enjoy her miserable afterlife in peace but she's already saved one Andrea so why not another?

It's silly, it's chaotic, it make's zero fucking sense, and everyone is just super confused, but at least I didn't completely throw my work away at the drop of a hat like normal?

#I don't have a name for whatever the hell this is but I'm apparently putting it out into the world #escapethenight #escape the night #idk what this is #It's so messy but it makes me giggle whenever I think about it #maladaptive daydreaming #I think this might be the only time a maladaptive daydreaming episode turned into something positive and not a waking nightmare

[bluebuckstallion]

lmaoo now that the clusterfuck which was the clip show discourse has ended...id like to give my two cents.

i know everyone’s all over how it’s charlie’s imagination at the end, and how he’s watching thru the door as the top spins and the ep comes to a close. but we’ve seen previously in the same ep (in frank’s imagination, with the hair and the legs,) how it can seem like one person’s imagination and actually be another’s.

people also keep pointing out - the gang seems so, so goddamn strange, the whole time. everyone is off, mac and dennis’ dynamic is weird, everyone’s too forgetful or what have you...we all felt it. they seemed like strange caricatures of themselves taken from afar. as if someone was trying to portray them in their head the whole episode.

so tht brings me to my theory. i believe that the whole time, start to finish, the episode was...in dennis’ head. not charlie’s. considering he’s been much calmer than he was in comparison to the gang escapes (CAN I RIFF, don’t sit down, the fucking room) & time’s up, this could be him projecting onto his fictional/imagined self in the ep...he didn’t lose it ONCE this episode. for example, instead of yelling his head off in denial @ mac or whatnot when asked why he isn’t a good roommate, he just stuttered and had nothing to say. even when the gang cornered him against the bar in anticipation. he didn’t lose it. and he was only mad at mac over the fact that he supposedly turned off the lights, not the fact that in this projection of themselves dennis grabbed mac’s hand and held it to his heart. he wasn’t upset over that at all.

in addition to that - the top was still spinning at the end as well, really obviously. who started the top? dennis did. he also believed the spinning top theory more than the gang did, obviously, bc he’s a dumbass, but my takeaway from that is it probably would’ve stopped spinning otherwise. i understand that charlie peeked his head in at the ending - but that could’ve been dennis’ subconscious making that happen in his daydream because he was also fixating on how weird it was to him that charlie watched himself thru the door in ‘his’ imagination. 

not to mention, the whole episode centered a lot around dennis trying to ground himself to reality. he was very centered on needing everyone to not fuck with reality, and he was scared of them misremembering, way more scared than he usually is about stuff. he could’ve just walked away and left it...but he didn’t. he’s obviously much more paranoid about what he does and doesn’t consider reality, and another big trait dennis probably has because of all his trauma is staying grounded to what’s real and what isn’t. and personally, i can say, that shit is scary. he also probably has issues with maladaptive daydreaming. it wouldn’t shock me as someone who’s gone thru some stuff tht reflects off of dennis’ traumas pretty well, and i see this all the time in people i know who’ve suffered from similar things.

in conclusion, i believe he dreamt this all up as a way to project some of his fantasies onto the gang (ie alt ddl ending, wishing they didn’t even know he’d left, being able to control himself around mac and not scream at him.) i also believe this is the calm before the storm, and he’ll break soon. we all know kaitlin said he might get jealous, and glenn’s trying really hard to hide aspects of his character, along w rcg being stingy with promos. this could all lead up to his final break being in episode 9...the super bowl episode. i also think this because considering rcg didn’t know how much air time they’d have left in season 5...the made episode 9 mac and dennis break up, which is considered a very pivotal point in their relationship for many. it’s also heard that the dennis system & mac fights gay marriage/dennis gets divorced was supposed to be for season 5 originally. rcg has said many times that they were going to wrap up mac and dennis’ relationship in season 5. sadly i can’t find a source bc im a dumb bitch but here’s some audio that relates to it and supports this. i believe that since they were trying to wrap macdennis up as endgame in s5, and everyone’s being so goddamn vague abt it, something big is gonna happen in super bowl/mac finds his pride. this could also be why the charlie’s home alone ep seems so cheery, they’re gonna bring us up before they crush us with dennis’ explosive breakdown in the super bowl ep, and whatever the fuck happens in mac finds his pride. i wouldn’t be too shocked if they made them get together in s14 as an endgame type thing. thanks!

#s13 #iasip #always sunny #analysis #meta #macdennis #discourse #theory #season 13 #ash.mp3 #dennis #mac #the gang does a clip show #i literally did not proofread this at fucking all so if smths spelled or worded wrong @ me pls #im hungover bc i necked 4 bottles of malt liquor last night so my head pounds rn so this is NOT my best work lmao #oh well

[claritinpopsicle]

January 3rd, 2021

Sunday // 8:42 p.m

I woke up at 12:40 ish today which is honestly horrible since i sleep sometimes in the morning between 7:20 a.m and 7:50 a.m. I am going to sleep earlier today since I have to wake up at 8:30 for online school. The idea of going backl to school exhausts me, especially since the next two weeks should be jammed packed leading to the end of my 2nd marking period. I am going to do my self-test in 10 minutes before I eat dinner and finish it up afterwards. It’s only 10 questions anyway and they should be directly from my chemistry textbook. That is due tomorrow at midnight but I should just finish it today anyways. Then tomorrow I will start my stoichiometry lab report. Something I’ve realized is that my teacher just cares about page count and lots of details/explanations of concepts. Like, it’s difficult to get 100s on her lab reports but I have gotten one and mostly higher 90s just by excessively elaborating on concepts. They’re easy anyway and if I get the purpose, procedure, data sheet, and conclusion done tomorrow (those take like 2 hours max, in total), I can do my concept elaboration throughout the week. The report is due on Friday. Other than that, I have to do a summary of a video and article (also for chemistry) which is due on Friday and I can finish if I can give myself 3-4 hours for it this week. I am also going to review the current chapter we are on in my Dynamics of Health Care in Society class because I have it tomorrow and the only way to raise my grade in the class is if I can do well on a quiz. I am praying that she’ll give at least 2 quizzes before the marking period ends so I can raise the grade to a B (I failed a quiz because the rules were only lower case which ruined my grade). Other than that, I am sad that I wasn’t more productive with my break. I expected to begiun studying for my HOSA event since it is at the end of January for me but I’ll be starting today + tomorrow. 

I spent today mostly in my room, on my phone, doing my nails, and just not doing much at all. I have been awake for 8 hours but I’ll probably sleep in 3 or 4. I just did my nails but they look pretty ugly, I like how I usually do them but tried some black french? tips... they suck. Me and my friend are going to get acrylics next weekend anyway so it should be okay anyways. I have also been thinking of shifting again, I’ve been on a break for 4-5 days now and I have been too focused on my dr. I’ll probably get back into affirming and chilling out. Also, I really need to take a bath soon because I got these lavender epsom slats from my friend as part of my late Christmas present. She also got me this engraved ring that says “you’re my person” on this chain and it honestly does not look cheesy so I love it. I’ve been chilling though. I have been trying to figure out if I going to write a wattpad though; I have been having maladaptive daydreams since I was a child and I was thinking of turning one into a wattpad book (royalty, light house and dark house, powers, the king and queen have wings, enemies because i don’t think you take your power seriously and i think you take this too seriously to tolerant friends for the better of the people to lovers type dynamic, family betrayal, and a lot of other stuff but i’m seriously considering it). The problem is I have never tried to write one of my universes down so I don’t understand how I would even start and like idk. I have been trying to find some cool wattpad original stories today though; I haven’t really been on wattpad for a few months since I have basically switched to archive of our own, livejournal, and fanfiction.net for most of my fic reading. However, I remembered I had a lot of original stories that have been on my TBR for a very long time so I am planning on making a dent in that. I started reading Forever August which has been beautiful and cheesy (I’m only a few chapters in but I love that the MFC is Indian since I’m Indian and we get like 0 rep) but it also reminded me why I got bored of wattpad stories so easily. idk. I really want to read some dark academia/royalty/spy/government-involved/academy type (not all thats just a jist) original stories which actual good characters... I might just try to find a marauders era fic that fits that (I read kitchens by lumosinlove and some other royalty au marauders stuff recently and they were so good) tbh. That reminds me that I have been meaning to make a fic recs list for harry potter and some other fandoms... that would be long but so worth it honestly. Okay, I’m gonna start my work, eat dinner while watching Bridgerton (I’m on episode 5 or 6 and it’s amazing like I am in love with the diversity and plot lines) and the finish the work, do some review, wind down and sleep. 

- V

[panticwritten]

Okay, I’m trying to find the motivation to write and maybe I’ll get it if I complain about my maladaptive daydreaming for a spell. I started writing this in my journal and realized that it’s something worth sharing with other MaDDers. I’m gonna apologize right now because this is digging deep and I might come off as snappy or angry. That’s because I am angry. I promise that I’m, like, okay. I just know that I would have killed to see other people dealing with the same shit that I did when I was younger. 

Uhhhhhhh quick trigger warnings because upon reading this over I should probably add these. I got kind of dramatic because I apparently don’t know how to tell personal stories without theatrics and tangents.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms

Direct suicide mention

Direct self harm mention

Have my truths about MaDD.

I use my daydreams to write. I think I post mostly about my positive experiences with it, I don’t know, I don’t remember ever talking actual shit about it so here we go time to drop the real anger and frustration because I’m just realizing why this particular thing makes me so mad.

I think I’ve been giving it a positive spin but that’s. Not the truth. There are so many things that I could bitch about when it comes to maladaptive daydreams to dash out those responses of “oh yeah I also have a great imagination i love daydreaming /stars in eyes/ i got distracted one (1) time during class daydreaming about summer for half an hour” to every ‘relatable’ MaDD post that makes me want to scream.

I love my characters, I love the stories I get to write, I love the exhilaration that comes out of winning a ‘campaign’ (if I can ignore the more negative side effects), I love Connor, and all (most) of the different versions of me. I still love all of those things. It’s like loving cheese and ice cream when you’re lactose intolerant, except you can actually choose to not eat ice cream goddamn it.

I could talk about how daydreaming sometimes leaves me looking up and realizing I’ve been sitting stock still and staring at the same line of a fanfiction for six hours while my roommate tries and fails to converse with me.

How when I’m alone and I start daydream I pace, compulsively clean until I panic because I can’t get anything good enough, type or write until my fingers ache.

How realizing that I’m not the person (people?) I am in my daydreams cuts me because they can do anything, but also makes me sag in relief because they are not the kind of person I would ever inflict on the people I care about in real life.

How I spent half of senior year hiding tears because I was juggling 3+ emotionally draining longterm daydreams in between school and extracurriculars.

How until I started wearing my necklace of keys and a ring, I would look up from the worst of the dreams with sores up and down my forearm because I would scratch it to bleeding without realizing it.

How in sophomore year of high school I swallowed a bottle and a half of antidepressants because my best friend wasn’t real and had abandoned me the previous year.

How I can’t be in the dark by myself, how the idea of being underground closes my throat with panic, how I wish for physical affection but I can’t handle being touched without warning anymore, how I see characters that remind of Count Olaf and my limbic system tells me I’m not safe, how the sound of those dumb horns every Homestuck cosplayer practically nuts over makes me feel physically ill. All because of the bullshit in my daydreams.

But that’s not what I’m furious about today so I’ll save those particular stories for another day.

So. I always end up having daydreams in the universes of media I get obsessed with. There are some things I randomly don’t daydream with but sometimes I like. Look at a thing I read when I was younger and I remember how great a read it was and I’m like “hey I should read that again it was hecking good”

But I know I can’t touch that series with a ten foot pole because if I so much as read a summary suddenly I’ll have another universe I’m invested in.

I’m talking expressly about Gregor the Overlander, but that’s just the surface of the problem.

I inhaled that entire series in 5th grade and that was when I had time to read every second of the goddamn day and didn’t really daydream all that much because like?? I had books why would I need universes in my head.

That changed when I started getting yelled for reading in class once I hit middle school but that’s a whole other thing.

But yeah, I read GtO in 5th grade and loved the shit out of it because it’s a fantastic series. I want more than anything to revisit it, to read it and write dumb fanfiction involving bats and flying and awesome things, but I know that would be a huge mistake.

Gregor the Overlander joins Percy Jackson, Maybird, and so many other series I read when I was a kid that I cannot read. Last time I read Harry Potter, I had a daydream that wrecked me for a while. I started reading Series of Unfortunate Events again and I had to lock the door to that daydream because when I go into that universe I can’t function as a human being because it’s the only daydream that matches (and maybe exceeds) the emotional strain that my Escape From Furnace daydreamshave put me through. I rewatched Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and around episode 10 I started daydreaming in that universe too.

I never know anymore what series will get me. Belgariad didn’t do it, and that’s my favorite book series on the planet. I know that neither Warrior Cats or Guardians of Ga’Hool would do it by some weird fucking instinct. Steven Universe didn’t do it, and that series is the exact kind of universe I would have a field day in. Same with Pokemon (except for the CONCEPT of the third movie, I guess).

Gravity Falls nearly made my depression rocket to worse lows than it had been in MONTHS because of the daydream it triggered. Seven Deadly Sins threw me into one, though to a lesser extent. Trollhunters, Be More Chill, Hunger Games, Homestuck, JTHM, Supernatural, Vampire Diaries, so many things, even things I didn’t expect to trip me up.

And that’s not even getting into the massive trigger that is music because I haven’t found a song that doesn’t bring me into a daydream scene in a long time.

It’s like walking on fucking eggshells.

It’s one of the things that makes me really hate my maladaptive daydreaming.

Like, I’m already fucked because when it pulls me in it turns me into a shitty friend, it gets in the way of school, writing, work, and hurts me because so much of what I care about isn’t real. It tricks me into hating myself for being hurt emotionally by the things that happen in the daydreams because obviously it’s not real how could it possibly affect my real life like this.

But I’d accepted all of that as collateral. It doesn’t matter as long as I have something to write about. I track my depression with how much I write so as long as I’m writing I must be fine. I can mitigate the damage and bend my daydreams to work for me when I really need them to. Coping mechanisms and tricking myself into daydreaming that I’m looking into a new target for the Scouts rather than researching for a paper etc. etc.

But I hate this because now I can’t even like things.

Whenever I want to read/watch something new I have to look at it really hard. I have to think, “Is this good enough that I’ll enjoy it, but not so good it’ll throw me into weeks of daydreaming, scratched forearms, blank stares, guilt, dropped grades, hurt feelings, and general exhaustion?”

I’m normally safe with certain genres. Tame rom coms. Most crime novels. Superhero movies/comics.

But then I read something I should be fine with and suddenly I have a daydream in the Fifty Shades universe so I have an excuse to slap Christian Grey in the face and go to benefit functions in an established universe with Connor. I play a game that I don’t know anything about and suddenly I’m daydreaming in the Two Souls Universe because the idea of Connor being a rift ghost tickles my brain in all the right ways I guess. I reread Homestuck because cringe culture is dead and I find a stack of SBURB discs in the Cube and I’m struggling to keep the daydream from moving further than that because I can’t, not when I already messed up winter term so much with my daydreaming. Not when I know that SBURB would mean creating more than one new universe to keep the Cube from being destroyed. Not when I know that SBURB would mean everyone involved would likely die at least once.

But at this point I know I’m just delaying the inevitable. I can distract myself with fanfiction and Grey’s Anatomy for a bit, but it won’t last forever. Everything feels like screaming in my entire body and when I know that the only way to make the screaming quieter is to find something else to write, something else to make my eyes glaze over for six hours while my roommate tries and fails to talk to me, I know I won’t hold out for long.

I love my daydreams.

But maladaptive daydreaming is about the farthest thing from being fun as I can think of. If the prospect of losing 90% of the people I care about didn’t scare the shit out of me, I would take any chance to get rid of them that was offered to me. To be a normal fucking person. As it is, all I can do is keep it from getting worse.

So I don’t read Gregor the Overlander. And I stay angry. And the screaming gets louder. And I don’t write for several weeks, praying the motivation to write will come back to me again.

#madd #actuallymadd #actually madd #tw: suicide #tw: self harm #not writing #I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A PIECE OF WRITING