#I want to have lived any life but mine

[captain-crowfish]

They say to never trust how you feel about your life after 9PM but it's always before 9PM somewhere. Anyway I think I might be a therian

#don't take this post 100% seriously I've been sick and #crying my eyes out to “no more birthdays” associating the song with trying to relive a childhood that isn't mine (childhood trauuuumaaaaaa) #that's a big problem I have #deep down I always think someday I'm gonna wake up and I will have been born a few years earlier- #so I can be an “appropriate” age to experience all my favorite media as it releases and interact accordingly #i always think- if that were the case I could have avoided my traumatic years and grown up much happier #don't get me wrong- I'm happy right now- you'd be hard pressed to find me on a day I'm not #but there's some existentialism that comes with wanting to magically wake up a different age- in the past- in a different life #I want to have lived any life but mine #and I just keep waiting for it to feel better again #it never does #crowfish crap #that therian part is definitely coinciding with autism and gender non conformity #when I picture myself I immediately picture my fursona- not a human who (at the moment) appears feminine #i hardly know anything about the subculture itself however #blathering #its true btw don't trust how you feel about your life at night time

[bylertruther]

listen. i love el and i think she's a fascinating character. we all know this. i am very clear about this. but like. it really is SO crazy how she really came in and, like... fucked will's life up so fucking bad lmao. i know that it wasn't her fault, and i'm not saying it is, but that's just... such an excruciating writing choice.

it was a choice to have her be the one that opened the gate & essentially sliced will's life into an ugly before and after. it was a choice to have her replace him as mike's number one as soon as she came back into their lives. it was a choice to make her the party's mage and then "change" will from being their wizard to their cleric. it was a choice to make her his sister. it was a choice to purposely have her wear his clothes and have the same bangs. it was a choice to have her ignore him on mike's first day in lenora, despite the fact that he was mike's friend, too, and first. it was a choice to make her oblivious to his feelings.

it was a choice to make them love and genuinely care about each other. it was a choice to make her feel like a monster for everything that'd happened and kept happening. it was a choice to make will not resent her. it was a choice to make him support her enough that he's willing to uphold her lies to mike (!!!) of all people with his inaction.

it was a choice to have him spill his heart out to mike and gift him his painting all in her name. to have him be the one to unknowingly make mike finally say "i love you" to her in response to his confession. to have him realize too late that he's been needlessly pushing mike towards her this whole time.

it was a choice to place will right beside mike, his first ever friend and keeper of his heart, when he told el that his life started just as will's ended.

it was... a bold fucking choice to replace will with el in mike's eyes due to outside influence. it throws them into chaos and disarray because el and will are not interchangeable, and it shows in how...

mike seeks from el everything that will already gives him.

mike readily gives will everything that el begs him for.

el cannot read or understand mike in the innate, wordless, and familiar way that will does.

mike cannot be vulnerable with el, but he opens up to will without even needing to be asked.

mike always heeds, trusts, and listens to will, even when they're arguing or going through a rough patch.

mike always knows just how to mend things with will, because he knows exactly what he needs and he doesn't ever hesitate to do and give it. nor does he need anyone to help him with their conflicts either. he just knows.

el is always left waiting for him to do things for her that he's currently doing for will.

will visibly hates and feels uncomfortable lying to mike, but el can do it consistently with ease.

will is the one that loves mike how he truly wants (and needs) to be loved.

will hasn't been able to move on in full, because he was cast out of his own story and demoted to a supporting role behind the new lead.

el hasn't been able to find out who she really is, because she's been thrust into roles that were never meant for her to begin with. she has always been contorted into the shape of whatever others need or want her to be, but they don't fit because they aren't her.

and, like... there are so many things in this story, which is to say the show as a whole, that would not have happened had the men in el's life not done that. had they allowed her to just be, it's highly likely that the dominoes would've never fallen the way they have.

thankfully, the narrative is set up in such a way that it appears this disorder will rectify itself, but it's still so... upsetting to think about lol.

it all boils down to choices: who gets to make them, what choices they have, why they made those choices, and what happens after. that's all the show is: a series of choices, or a lack thereof, and their consequences with some monster mumbo-jumbo sprinkled on top.

#byler #they were so insane for that and the girlies just ate that shit right up!!!!! #like. wow. they literally did not have to fucking do any of that and yet. they did. they did!!!!!!!!!!!! soap opera moment. #will is so crazy insanely strong and good and full of love and hope because if it was me?! girl. god. i am not ur strongest soldier #i would be the most bitter resentful bitch alive srry . i kno she saved their lives n the world but she was also used to bring tht all upon #them and especially will. like. and then she became his sister and saved his life and became his friend and dated the love of his life #that he's known and has been the closest to literally since forever and she's a good person so it's not like he can even hate her. he can't #even if he wanted to even if he tried to because she's just like him in a way and it's just like . [clenches fist] #this trio is jus so juicy.... #mine

[finexbright]

.

#anyways since i haven't been controversial on main in a long time #notice niall's promo : using his platform for fan engagement and just focussing on the music and making it drive and take off #like he's been teasing it for some time and then he got his industry friends to do some promo #and he can casually talk about kissing lewis capaldi or 1d or harry or louis or anyone #and how even though he has a quite long term girlfriend never once has that relationship been a focus of things #never once has his private life or any aspect of it been a focus of promo. or even his golf career as a matter of a fact #the story is simple : he is releasing an album and he's gonna talk about music that's it #now notice harry or louis' album cycles : always focus on relationships and private lives and barely any talk about the music #or how to drive that music and make it the main aspect of promo cycle #you can argue that harry is a bigger name and people would care about his private life but like. b/w niall and louis clearly niall is more #known and still he never needs to speak about his relationships or personal lives #you can also look at literally any other artists album cycles : dua lipa. taylor. ariana. lizzo. beyonce. literally anyone #and none of their album cycles revolve around their relationships and private lives #which just goes to show just how much harry/louis' teams want to drive it into everyone's heads that they're straight. when they're not #even zayn!! yeah he's never really in the spotlight but none of his album cycles have revolved around his relationship #including mind of mine which as we all know came out when he was linked to both perrie and gigi #i just find it fascinating how these people came from the same band but their album cycles are so different. #niall's album promo cycle vs harry + louis' album promo cycle and the clear stark difference between them. fascinating

[heres-to-all-that-is-mine]

I have…. Normal, sane thoughts

#purples art! #my art! #mine! #me! #John juniper #ieytd2 #you know that one specific flavour of nightmares characters who are in the show business might have in media #specifically the ones where they’re sitting in front of a live audience experiencing awful things as the audience claps and oohs and aahs #and laughs at them? eternal faceless observers? uncaring callous judgemental? #I want to inflict it upon him #he’ll be sitting in a room with the brightly lit stage and the friendly talk show host #audience hidden by the bright lights #and he’ll detail - like in any other good story where he draws from personal experience - the events of his life until now #the mistakes and horrible awful things and he does it all with a light smile and joking tone #like always. like it’s just a good story for his fans. heavily edited to not be ‘too much’ #and as he describes the horrible traumatic things the audience laughs and cheers #his paranoia laid bare for the world to see even as he loses the self assurance and charisma #in the dream they don’t stop #they won’t stop looking at him #laughing. clapping. joking #not even when he breaks down in tears #hmm #maybe I’ll write it

[arsonist-chicken]

hehehe fourth day in a row I've slept until 5pm because I fucked up my sleep rhythm staying up until 7am but probably more likely because of the ✨curses✨, but at least today I finally saw some sunlight again by walking to the store to still make it before they close. this is fine.

#the curses are mental illness aka depression or whatever idk man just give me some energy to be able to live my everyday life #i mean i thought i was getting sick on tuesday evening so i already planned to not go to uni on wednesday #also because i hadn't done a presentation but i really thought i was getting sick too #and it's been downhill from then #the last two nights i said to myself at lik 6am i'll sleep four hours now until 10 so i have the day to work and then can actually sleep #normal again but either i didn't hear my alarm or i turned it off and woke up again when it was still light outside #but close enough to already the sun setting that i was not gonna get any sun #the psychologist who did my adhd exam said i could start treatment with her but i'm a little wary of that #since my insurance still hasn't let me know if they'd partly cover that or if she's not in that system. idk how it works. #and also she's a psychologist not a psychotherapist #and no offense to my friend but i saw my friend studying psychology and becoming a psychologist after she finished her degree #and I don't think she'd be educated at all to actually offer therapy #she just does evaluations and such now but no therapy #and damn if I'm going to spend my emergency money on therapy because well it's not covered here then i at least want it to actually work #and actually be therapy. like working on the adhd and depression; not just an adhd coaching #that would have helped when i was in school or just starting uni but by now i definitely also need therapy for the depression that evolved #from all the issues. also maybe just brain chemistry idk. #mine

[ghosts-of-love]

yo anyone wanna come to a national trust place with me today? 🍁🍂

#in spirit that is #idk ive been in this town for a year and i have work friends and i have the people i live with but i want to try to make more friends #that i can casually hang out with #i also feel like i should get better at doing stuff alone too without feeling bad that i didnt ask my friends/housemates to come #there's like two people who i can think to ask but they are both probably busy and also it would mean i have to commit to actually going #to this national trust place #which j found out is only a 15 minute drive #i should just go #sorry feeling weird about friendships #i think i tend to love a few people very deeply and so then im not good at having friends where j can be like hey wanna hit up this abbey #idk things are weird with my housemates at the moment #new person moved in . the other two are allegedly going to break up any second now but also keep banging loudly in the room next to mine #its weird and im kind of miserable in the house but happy in all other aspects of my life #like work is hesitantly going good im reading again im crocheting my hair looks nice #this turnef into a whole thing now sorry #props to you if you kept reading this long #anyway this is why i desperately want to get out of the house

[rosicheeks]

Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..

I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.

I was texting my sister today about it and she said

“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”

I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences

#I relate to all of this so much #and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma #I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine #it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian #honestly at this point I have no clue what i am #even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma #but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents #growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold #cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them #but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there #their perfect angel fell from heaven #and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything #it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith #it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally #the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church #when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with #wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was #YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away #and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone) #but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life #but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it #which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to #^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop #sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma #yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse #sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past #please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best #it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family #I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help

[cyhaitham]

and maybe its not fair to yori or kohaku for the emotion to be love.. like idk. kohaku's view of her actions VS what those actions truly are are completely opposite

#Also i really hope im being nonstereotypical when it comes to BPD. Kohaku's is just a very extreme case+combined with other mental disorders #It might make more sense for Kohaku to have come from a home where love is distorted that way but I like her backstory? #I mean being in the spotlight and watched all the time since theyre like nobles #Being held to an extremely high standard since childhood #and nothing below those standards being accepted in any form #would have a negative mental effect on someone with BPD already right? #Hmm #im trying to think of the core reason kohakus view of love is so deluded #Like Kohaku was held up to those standards had a very uptight household no mistakes aloud #her obvious disorder was completely ignored; her mother refusing to believe her daughter was “crazy” #and this would destroy their social standing in her mind #and the whole no daughter of mine is some “psycho” type mindset #Kohaku was told to push it all down . pretend she's fine . mantain her perfect grades etc #So yknow there was obvious neglect there. rich parents. I wouldnt say kohaku was spoiled but shed always get what she wanted #So maybe that could be part of her obsession with yori? i guess? and how #a person of such lower social standing would be utterly unacceptable for kohaku to be associated with #and Yori is so unique in Kohaku's eyes- she's an angry righteous person that takes risks and doesn't care #what people think of her when public image was #taught to kohaku to be everything to their family. #so like being with someone like yori could be a sort of freedom from this life Kohaku's forced to live #like Kohaku has always been able to be herself around Yori #even when she started to get really clingy all the time yori didn't mind #and shed try to help her with her manic episodes and everything- her anxiety/paranoia etc #and when Kohaku felt like shed lose Yori (when she met Tatsuko) #she did everything she could Not to lose her. (lying&sabotaging Yori's relationship with Tatsuko) #cus she didnt want to lose the only tether she had outside of her nobility. or whatever. #... What was i talking about originally

[fionnaskyborn]

there's something to be said about the very specific feeling of frailty you feel when you come face to face with just how little you've experienced. twenty-odd years on planet earth and you haven't really watched all that many movies. an unlived life facing an uncertain future. i do not know where to point the finger of blame because i live untethered from my past, floating in the present with no clear point of reference no clear definition of who i am or what happened to me and how i turned out the way i am (fucking. can you guess why five is my favorite game. insert that one lyric from that one modest mouse song.) but you're still here, and you can still learn, and you can catch up, but it still feels like you're a pitiful little nobody looking for excuses trying to explain why you're still new to the whole being alive thing. i've got a good head on my shoulders, though, for all that's worth, so i think i might be fine.

in other news, i watched scarface tonight. it was certainly a movie. don't really understand how the movie made it big, but it did have some damn good music. i mean, i don't know. i'm still learning about the world i live in. maybe it really is as much of a masterpiece as people make it out to be and i'm too dumb to see the reason why it's considered a classic. maybe i'm right. i can't tell at the moment. it's kind of a beggars can't be choosers situation - if you ain't watched that many movies, then you can't really be a good judge of quality. but, oh, well. it's one more movie watched. it's a win because i watched a movie. and i'll watch more movies.

#i mean this extends to things like world politics also i'm still learning and i'm eager to learn beyond what i am offered but that doesn't #make the process any less fucking terrifying. like sure fuck yeah i'll be a big shot and do it alone and i'll be proud of myself but the #thing is i really really really don't know how to be alone without feeling empty #and it's funny because the thing i yearn for the most is to be free and to create myself and do things on my own and i can do that i've #learned how to be an adult very early on and people say ah you've yet to face the worst but every time they tell me that i tell them i can't #wait #but at the same time sometimes i sit and i wonder why i haven't watched that many movies. was there nobody to watch them with? could i have #asked? could things have been different? is it my fault for never having really wanted things or somebody else's? and i'll never really have #a clear answer to any of those questions or at least not anytime soon because my cranium is messed up and unreliable but i won't get the #answers anywhere else. shrugs. i've yet to start living a life. i don't know when i died but i do know but maybe that's just an idea and #maybe i've been dead all along until some point in the past two years but then what are all those memories i have where did they come from #why are they so far apart why do they feel mine and foreign at the same time. can you guess who my favorite mg character is. #well okay i have like what four or five of those but read the text again and think really really hard about it. i'm just kidding i'm goofing #around at this point. i mean no not really but i am smiling about it. :] #logs

[salsflore]

ummmm

#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~ #my favorite image on this device btw ^ #cw negative #cw vent #you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than- #-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so #but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but #my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i- #-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something- #-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because- #-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles- #-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all #i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me #i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years- #-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and- #-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great- #-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do? #how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time? #i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though #so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun- #-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!! #how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol #everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit #i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden

[imwritesometimes]

It's becoming just.... blatantly obvious that all this GOP posturing on transgender individuals being about ~protecting women's rights~ is just them trying to save face after they got Roe overturned and that has since backfired massively for them. Like it's so clear they think this is somehow gonna win points with women 'see we really care abt ur rights! We're trying to protect you!' while they still try to pry those rights from our hands not to mention there's no danger cis women face from trans people anyway

#it's just so infuriating to read the news these days like. denying some trans woman the right to live her life and be healthy #does NOTHING to harm my rights. if anything trans women and ppl in general are SUPPORTIVE of my rights #where the GOP definitely is not #I'm also so TIRED of the narrative that we need these ladies only spaces to be SAFE like #clearly you were never harassed in a girl's locker room in high school. by the other girls. #a trans woman in the locker room wants her privacy and security just as much as *I* do #making her go into a different locker room provides nothing for anyone #let's not forget this all also speaks to the government having control over your healthcare and bodily autonomy #which WILL come back to cis women. it WILL. if we don't support trans women they WILL come after more rights we've already clawed for #which I'm not saying like omg that's the only reason to support trans ppl. obv it's not. #but the more they can narrow the whole ~definition~ of a ~woman~ the more women will be excluded. and be in danger. #it is a steady march back to dresses no pants no working no college no money no birth control #this will be #delete later #I'm just so TIRED so FUCKIN TIRED. and I had to rant. #if there's any kind of malcontent clownery it's an insta block #***denying a trans woman rights does nothing to PROTECT mine I may have made a typo in the earlier tags I was in rant mode and mad

[cyphertaehyungie]

✨☁️💌🌙💫

#hey there friends 🤧 #i don’t even know what to say to start this little talk (?) of mine #i’ll just (for old time‘s sake) call it #midnight hour thoughts #im currently listening to ceilings by lizzy mcalpine like i have for so many nights for months now #i miss all of you #i don’t even know who’s still around these days but to all my mutuals my friends i miss you and i hope you are all truly doing well 💜 #i miss bts and i miss being here being active and making gifs #i came here to give a little bit of a life update because things have recently been turning around for me for the better (i think) #i’ll be starting my first day of work; my first job ever on wednesday #i’ve been pretty open about my struggle with social anxiety and depression over the past few years #and when i tell you i had pretty much given up on ever actually living again; not feeling stuck… and now that life is finally #finally happening again after all these years i just feel so much relief… but also my anxiety is kind of sky rocketing because #I START WORKING ON WEDNESDAY!! #so yeah excited but also really scared of failure i guess and also the possibility of embarrassing myself which has kind of become my thing #but i’m also so proud of myself for always keeping hope alive and not giving up #i‘ve been at such low lows in life that now i feel so relieved that finally i can feel the good things coming (if that makes any sense) #like happiness?? didn’t even remember what that felt like for some time because so much darkness had clouded my being #and now i’ve reached something? i’m finally not stuck anymore and that’s been something i wanted to be able to say for YEARS #IM NOT STUCK ANYMORE #and it’s so very freeing #and i guess i just wanna say thank you to everyone who’s been with me through my darkest of days and everyone that’s been encouraging me #and gifting me with hope and strength to keep going #i wish i could hug all of you 💜 #and i just want you to know that whatever you are going through.. it’s temporary and there is light even if it feels pitch black right now #just keep going and don’t ever stop; rest and allow yourself to heal and then keep going!! 💌 you won’t regret staying 💕 #kiki talks #i miss you all so so much i might just be crying right now

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[legendaryskyscale]

Boy, I've been on a tiny hiatus from GW2, and now I've got a lot of catching up to do!

Anyhoo, hope everyone had a great time! I'll be going through the GW2 tags and reblogging/queuing up posts! I'll try not to go ham on the reblogs and flood everyone's dash lol

#reen talks #also just so i don't make this into a long text post #i've been off GW2 due to minor family drama and then just not feelin any joy in the game for a while #BUT! i've got amazing friends and they've been such a delight in my life #i hope i've enriched their lives as they have enriched mine #i feel so fortunate to have them as my friends #it's so hard for me to find good people who are so patient and kind to me #and i hope one day i can naturally extend that patience and kindness to others who are struggling like i have #so thank you to all the friends who've been kind and genuine to me #i want to be able to do for all of you what you have all done for me #so thank you and may we all have a better year this year! #you guys are the best! #let's go into 2023 with strong heads and strong hearts!

[rimouskis]

I'm very sick of having to learn the same lessons! this could be avoided if I just: actually accepted the lesson the first time it hits me. but no, I am doomed to being confronted with a truism, disliking it, and then being haunted by it like an annoying poltergeist until I begrudgingly accept it 1-to-10 years later

#this is the running joke in my life #anyways the current lesson I'm trying to force myself to actually internalize is: living your life wildly and going everywhere and #traveling and being unconventional by your family/blueprint's standards is not only perhaps how I was meant to live #but it also may in fact be the ONLY way I can live #and even though it sounds exciting and I'm game I somehow still end up backing myself into psychological corners like I'm not allowed to/ #supposed to live like that. why!? I know not. #me: having friends across the world and spending your 20s traveling and living whimsically sounds sick as hell. and also fun. #somehow also me: oh no but what about the spouse that i don't want and the kids i even more certainly don't want and the stability that #my generation literally can't afford 9 times out of 10 #???? make it make sense #me: I'm lonely #me: okay then go travel and meet and see people and go live a little wildly #me: ... #me: wait I must be doing something wrong. this is too unconventional. #idk maybe something's up with me or maybe I just have anxiety. TBD. #also maybe I'm sick of not having role models! I've never been the kind of kid who had a role model to look up to #like as a personality trait of mine #but damn I literally don't have any peers doing what I'm doing rn and it's a little isolating!

[elytrafemme]

it is beginning to occur to me that part of the reason why the ending of “things fall apart” is fucking me up so bad is because i share the same flaw as the main character, which is undeniably a major issue of mine but nevertheless it hits very hard to see someone else like. displaying that.

#nightmare.personal #for those who don't know the book i wouldn't say that it's a required read but i do think it gives perspective #if you can make it through part one which is largely a little hard to read #for the record this flaw of mine is the desire to be seen as strong to the extent that i do not necessarily prioritize #the acquisition or maintenance of friendships in the long term over the idea of my career success and the deep seeded desire to #never feel satisfied with life because if i am ever satisfied that means that i have reached a goal and i never want to be complete #<- does this make sense #i don't know why this is a mentality of mine like i guess i've always thought this way? #but especially recently it's morphed into being a major fucking priority #like i no longer understand why any person would seek to live a life that is simply comfortable or happy #oh my God i got a really funny text just now from my father considering this entire situation dad please