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vulpixisananimal · 3 hours

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Isapays fluff. For the soul. (And some implied self harm)

(You sat on the unfamiliar bed, looking at the scars that dotted your arm. Many had healed, many will not, and likely never will. In your other hand you fiddle with your dagger.)

(It was supposed to be easy.)

(You were supposed to be done. Out of the loops. Done with everything. Drama. Sadness. Whatever. Siffrin wished to keep traveling even after the loops were over. Said this was the best time of his life. Yet now, here you are. Going from place to place with some new looming dread instead of the clear skies of their dreams.)

(What a joke.)

(There's a knock on the door. It's Isabeau.) "Siffrin? Are you doing alright?"

(No. You hadn't even gotten changed from your nightware. You all arrived late to this inn, and you were lucky they had rooms left. You didn't sleep well.)

". . . I'm coming in."

(Of course he would. That was the system wasn't it? If there was a response, it was Siffrin or Loop, and they were probably fine. If there was no response, it wasn't. Or it was you, in which case they'd check anyways. Looking at the dagger in your hand and the scars on the other, you could at least see why.)

(Isabeau opened and closed the door softly. He looked at you, and the dagger, and your arm. You could see his shoulders relax a little as he realized you hadn't done anything.)

". . . Not a good night?"

(You nod. He walks over to you.)

"Mal right?" (you nod, he continues.) "Right, may I. . .?"

(He was holding out a hand, after a moment, you reach over and place your dagger in it. He puts it to the side.)

"Thanks you."

(There's a silence, a long, awkward one. You start rubbing your wrist. Isabeau sits down next to you on the bed.)

". . . Would you like to talk about it?"

(You draw a horizontal line with your finger. "No")

"Alright. . . Do you, just need space?"

(You pause, then draw the line again, then flick out two fingers held close. "Not sure".)

"Alright, I'll just, I'll just stay here then."

(Why did you say that. You never wanted company. You were fine staying in your room when you were forced front alone. You were fine being an observer in the corner. It was safe that way.)

(Then why did you not want Isabeau to leave?)

(The two of you sat in silence, a few feet apart on the bed. You did this a few times before. On a rare day, a rare good day, you would find where Isabeau was, and if he was alone, sit next to him. Of all of your traveling companions, he was the one you could tollerate the most. You could never find out why.)

(Odile is too observent, simple enough. Mirabelle is nice, too nice, you felt like you were oil to her water. Nille is a stranger, even Siffrin couldn't look her in the eyes. Bonnie. . . Bonnie was tollerable. Isabeau though. . .)

(You glance to your side, Isabeaus hand was rubbing his leg. Looking up, he was trying very hard to not look at you. Was he shy? Nervous? No, well, maybe. It was hard to tell. He wanted something, or was feeling something. You see his hand move around.)

(. . .)

(You put your hand to your side. You're considering it, why. You shouldn't be. It is selfish. And you don't need it. You consider it anyways. One beat passes, then another. Your hand twitches, and reaches over a little bit to Isabeau. You stop, and put it back by your side. Even if you could talk, wanted to talk, how could you ever ask him. . ?)

". . . Mal?" (You glance at him,) "Did you. . . Do you want to hold my hand?"

(You wince. And then gently nod.)

(Isabeau held out his hand, you hesitated. You placed your hand in his. It's warm, soft. You could feel the rough skin where he worked his fingers the most. He had been sewing more, and he had been training just as much as before too. His hands were a bit sweaty, wait, no, both of yours were. Was he nervous? Where you nervous? Yes, you probably were. Looking up at him, his face is turning a darker shade. You glance away.)

(. . . . . . . . It's nice.)

(. . . . No, it's not nice, it's selfish isn't it? Why would he want to be here, or you? No, you knew that. You couldn't trust them. None of them. "I should never have trusted you." That's what he said, wasn't it? You can't stay close to him. You need to protect Siffrin, and you can't trust a stranger to do that.)

(You're still holding his hand. You're squeezing it.)

(He glances at you. This isn't right. This isn't right at all this isn't, this isn't right or safe! Why are you being so open! Why did you want to be so open! You're shaking. You're shaking so much. Why are you doing this to yourself.)

(You take your hand back. You're shaking so much. You should leave. Just leave and don't come back right? How stupid. You scratch at the scars on your arm. Your breathing was getting heavier. You, you, you-)

"Hey. . ." (Isabeau was talking you. Gently. Soft. His hand was hovering over your own.) "Hey, you're alright, right?"

(You stop scratching, you don't respond.)

". . . Was it, was it the touch?"

(You don't know. You haven't felt this strongly about something before.)

". . . . Do you want me to leave?"

(Your head bolts up. You shake your head. Why. Why did you shake your head. You wanted him around? Why.)

"A-alright!" (He seems, worried. He wants to help you. Why.) "What do you need?"

(. . . . .)

(What do you need? You can't think straight. You need something. You don't need touch, right? You don't need food, or anything material. You need. . . You need something. What, do you need comfort? No. You don't need comfort. It's your job to garuntee Siffrin is the one who gets comfort. You don't need it. You don't. . . .)

(. . . . . You hug Isabuea.)

"!!!"

(You hold yourself close. You don't want to think about it. You're selfish. You don't even know what you want and you're selfish. You can't trust him, why are you doing this!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!?!?!)

(Isabeau hugs you back.)

(It, it doesn't make sense. You feel conflicted. You feel. You, you don't know what you feel. It's, it's not bad, right? Stars, you don't understand. You just, don't. . .)

(You stay like this for a few minutes. Isabeau is warm. And soft. His shirt is soft. Your feel shivers on your skin. You've been sensitive to touch, much more than the others. But you didn't want to let go. Whatever you were feeling, you wanted it more. Your breathing steadied. You're confused, but a nice confused. Why is there a nice version of being confused? Strange.)

(. . . You can hear his heartbeat. It's nice. Steady. Strong. You look up at Isabeau. He's looking down at you, glancing away as you turn to look at him. Hmm. He is shy about it. Maybe that is what you are feeling? Are you shy? Maybe, that doesn't feel quite right. You keep looking up at him untill he looks back. He smiles softly.)

". . . Better?"

(You blink up at him.)

"Not sure?"

(Did you feel better? Stars. You don't know. You're just staring up at Isabeau. What was so fascinating about him. Why did you care? You're supposed to just protect Siffrin. You're supposed to make sure you all wake up the next day. Yet here you are. You are, for lack of a better word, transfixed by your Defender.)

(You open your mouth. You want to say something. You want to say anything. But he wont understand. But you want to do something. What do you do. Isabeau tilts his head slightly.)

"Do you want. . ." (He looks away again. Blushing.) "N-nevermind."

(?. You reach up and turn is head back to look at you. Then you put your hand palm up and shake it a bit. "What is it?")

"Do you. . ." (He trying to hide his face.) "Do you want to kiss me?"

(Your heart skips a beat.)

(He just asked it? Just like that? Why would he. He didn't at first. You asked him what it was after all. You look up at him. He knew that you were you, and not Siffrin, or Loop. He knew you were the one who was most touch averse. Most aggresive. Most defensive. And yet, he trusted you enough to ask you something like that. What does that mean. Did he trust you? Or was he trying to get to you.)

". . . . . S-sorry. . ."

(Why was he apologising. Did he feel embaressed? Ashamed? Ah. He was assuming that your feelings for him was the same as the other two. Looking at his eyes, you could tell he was terrified he was wrong. It's true, you know your feelings are far, far more complicated than Loop or Siffrins, and truly that is a feat in itself.)

(And yet. . .)

(You reached up and touched Isabeaus cheek. When he looks back down at you, you very gently nod.)

"I-- a-alright!" (You could see his surprise. His. . . Excitement? Nervousness? Maybe that's what you were feeling too. He puts a hand hovering right by your cheek. You nod. He places his hand on your cheek. You wince, but don't pull away. He's gentle, and he's warm. You feel like there's spikes on your skin, and yet his hand feels like. . .)

(He leans closer to you, you're face to face, you can't look away. He's nervous. He doesn't know how to kiss you. It's like at the sleepover. Or at the tree. Or at the end. You want to kiss him. And he wants to kiss you. It should be alright then, right? It'll be alright if you. . .)

(You reach up and kiss him.)

(. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .)

(Your heart. . . . You're warm. You're shaking. You have, you feel, you feel amazing, you feel so warm, you feel boiling. You kissed him. You just kissed him. It was only for a second but it felt like an eternity. You don't know how to feel about it. You think the feeling is good, you hope it is. Because, because. . .)

(Ok that's enough touch now.)

(You start tapping Isabeaus side untill he lets go of the hug. You sit back in your spot, fists balled up in your lap. You're sweating. And shaking. But you weren't thinking about that dagger anymore. Was that good? That should be good, right? Isabeau is worried about you.)

"A-are you alright?"

(You nod. And hold up a finger. "One second.")

(Isabeau waits patiently for you. You breath in and out. Alright. Alright you're normal again. You ball up your fists and push them away, laying them out flat. . . Then take a hand to your temple and drag it down. "Alone time, please.")

"A-alright. If you need me, or, need anything. Just, just come and find me, ok?" (Isabeau gets up to leave.)

(You tug on his shirt before he goes, he turns. You point to the dagger Isabeau put to the side. Open palms up from one side of your body to the other. "Take it away")

"Oh, alright." (Isa takes the dagger and holds it close.) "I'll protect it with my life."

(The corner of your mouth twitches. Heh. Funny. You look up at Isabeau. One last thing. You drag a finger accross your lips.)

"Our secret?"

(You nod. Our secret.)

#MEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHE #little break from sifstem plot to give you SIFSTEM YAOI #MWAHAHHAHAHA #isat #isat mal du pays #isat isabeau #isapays #should i tag this as isafrin?#it.... kinda is #tell me if i should #isat art #isat fanart #isat fanfic #isat au #siffrin system au #sifstem #in stars and time #isat spoilers

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