#Me just simping for eldritch beings that want to kill me. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ineverusethesameusernametwice · 2 years

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The Magnus Pickup lines.

"I've got a coffin you can stick something in anyday 😏"

"Are you with the burried? Because I'd love for you to bury me with those tighs"

"Are you with the burried? Because I'm all for suffocation. 😏"

"Damn, somethings wet and it's definitely not the blood on the floor!"

"Well somethings rising and I don't think it's war."

"I've lost my will to live can I borrow yours?" *Stabs*

"Come to my place and I'll show you a fight better than any war you've ever seen."

"Are you Melanie? Because you can take your anger out on me anyday."

"Are you the boneturner? Because I think I just felt a new bone turn in me."

"You've got the bone turner right? Because the more limbs the better."

"Well you can call me a ritual, because I'd love to explode on you."

"Are you with the hunt? Because you can chase my clothes right off my body ;)"

"Are you Nikola? Cuz you could steal my skin anyday!"

"Well I hope you're not with the stranger because I'd love to get to know you."

"You can call me an avatar of the stranger, because you'll see me as a totally different person when we're through"

"Are you with the eye? Because you really know how to make me weak."

"Hey there are you apart of the desolation? Bcause you could burn the whole world with that body."

"Are you the distortion? Because I'd love to explore your corridors."

"You've got to be the spiral because you're driving me mad."

"Insomnia is worth it when it's spent with you ;)"

"Are you the corruption? Because I dissolve under your touch."

"Are you Jane Prentiss? Because you can infest me with worms anyday."

"Are you with the lonely? Because I'd love to never see you again."

"Damn you've got to be the end because you're drop dead gorgeous."(Not mine)

"Are you the vast? Because I'm falling head over heels for you." (Also not mine)

"Are you with the web? Because you can tie me up anyday!"

"Well call me an avatar of the dark, because when we're done you'll see nothing but black for the rest of your life."

"Are you with the extinction? Because I'd love to have a world ending night with you.

"Are you Martin? Because I'd die for you."

#the magnus archives #Jokes #memes #tma #jon/martin #dirty jokes #pick up lines #Me just simping for eldritch beings that want to kill me.

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cattonicdragon · 1 year

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Hey I was hoping you could do kintoru,Susie Campbell, mommy long legs,fenghuang and daki with a living voodoo doll reader that can transfer an pain the feel and is extremely hard to kill.Please :)

Kintoru/sama,susie campbell/malice,mommy long legs and daki with a living voodoo doll G/N reader

I literally simp for like half these character r u stalking me or smth💀/j

Unfortunately I havnt watched legends of awesomeness so I dont know how to write fenghuang but I'm going go to watch it when I can if it's on Netflix,I'll update this post once I've done or think I can get her character down :)

Anyways of course!

Not proof read,this took so long my tumblr is lagging and my thumb is aching 💀👍

Kintoru/sama

She is initially shocked apon finding you

A living voodoo doll that is able to transfer someones pain,it sounds like a story you tell kids to scare them honestly.

Not only that but you are insanely hard to kill,every time she has her claws on you,you suddenly evade her and run away.

She finds the situation both amusing and annoying.

She eventually gets to the point where she realises you just wont die

So instead she corners you and questions you

Apon finding out that your not entirely sure how you are what you are she feels almost a sense of familiarity,given the fact that she was created by an eldritch God.

Now you may be wondering,how did kintoru find out you can transfer pain?,you transferred your pain to her when she sliced you.boom.

For some reason,you get stuck in her realm,she literally cant get rid of,she tries multiple times before just accepting your there.

She eventually grows to enjoy your presence and you enjoy hers eventually to.

She loves to just pick you up and hold you close to her.

She refuses to admit that shes cuddling you

So she says holding you

She feels relief knowing that you wont die of old age in all honesty

Kintoru will never admit it but she loves you unconditionally

Should yasu EVER try to take you away she will have zero chill, legit hes standing one second dead the next,she will not loose you.

Unless shes sure you can,she probally wont involve you with the whole cursing an entire family tree thing

She let's you put on her hat if you want to,mainly cause she gets to see the large hat on your head and she finds it amusing.

Susie campbell/malice

She to is shocked at learning about you.

Shed definatly try to pursue you after finding out about your capabilities.

It's rare for someone to not be ink-ified so seeing you only dirty and inky is a shocker,her initial thought was that it was the ink that had turned you into the doll.

The first time she learns about your ability is when she saw you get attacked by one of the ink creatures,one slashes you on the stomach before you quickly transferred the injury back to the culprit and fled.

She definatly took notes.

I can see her attempting to appeal good and maybe even flirting to gain your trust

It isnt until you both unexpectedly get put into a fight with eachother that she learns about how much of a pain you are to kill.

After that encounter she thinks more leisurely now,she dosnt like the fact that you can last longer than practically any of the ink creatures down there -bendy/the ink demon

This somehow transcends into your relationship becoming frenemys

Whenever you cross pass it's a short fight with snarky remarks and offhanded insults being thrown back and forth until one just walks away

You both eventually just sit down with eachother and talk,how does this happen? Idk it just does

She talks about her former life before she became and ink creature whilst sadly looking at herself.

Once the questions are diverted to her and she questions your existence,you reply you just simply dont know

She would question more but she dosnt even know how shes living as an ink creature so she cant talk.

After this I can see her warming up to you and letting you around her area of the studio.

Surprisly she likes pda

She would be ecstatic if you would want to help her become beautiful and gets abit upset if you dont but otherwise understands.

She let's you touch her horns and halo,shes very over protective over you

She keeps you away from the ink demon at any and all costs

She wont let him take you away from her.

If you cant defend yourself she will teach you.

Drawing sessions if you like drawing

Mommy long legs

Due to the fact that she is in a factory that literally makes dolls and toys live she wouldnt find it a huge shocker

She seriously dislikes the fact that you can transfer pain,it makes it harder to hunt you down.

Now how did MLL find out about your pain exchange?

Mommy had caught you in a dead ended hallway and was squeezing the life out of you with her elastic plasticky arms,that's when she felt searing pain around her body,it felt like the plastic was squeezing itself and restricting her,

She ended up dropping you as you immediately bolted away from her

She had never taken a chase more seriously

This is also where she learns that your a pain to kill.

You kept ducking in and under pipes and wires as mommy got stuck and tangled,

Not only that but you wernt afraid to take risks as you could pass the pain onto mommy.

This chase probally went on for days before she finally stopped

She would not let go of the fact that you escaped her though,oh.no she wouldnt

She would continuously try and kill you,eachtime another dent,scratch or skudmark appeared on her pink body

It got to the point she literally just broke down,ripping pipes off the wall until you stood against a wall looking at her with bored eyes

She asked what in the world you were and how you could even keep up.

After getting her unsavory answer she ended up just dragging herself further into the factory to calm down,

However you didnt want to leave her alone,and followed her.

Your relationship takes quite abit to bloom since mommy is always shooing you off or holding a rabid wuggy by their cut string above you

After awhile mommy just accepts the fact your staying.

Your relationship once she accepts you not going anywhere improves and you eventually manage to get along

Best cuddles

I'm pretty sure that mommy is one of the more feared toys in the factory so you dont have much to worry about

Mommy scares the other toys into playing nice with you.

I headcanon that boxy is mommy's favorite,because I can,so you get amazing cuddle from an elastic toy and a fluffy box

Sweet with you and murderous with others,couple goals

Once player enters the factory I dnt think mommy would care,shed take poppy have abit of fun.

But,if the player shows succession shed kill him instantly

She finally has someone who loves her and shes not gonna let some old employee ruin it

As for poppy it's just more company for you.

The minute poppy starts to try get you to leave though.

You may find a partially toy absent

Daki

Shes really shocked,alot of things can happen when you change into a demon,but your not a demon?

She emidatly tries to get rid of you

She dosnt want someone one upping her place as upper6

She finds out pretty quickly that you can transfer pain and that your not easily kill-able

It's not until she feels as if her obis have slashed her torso that she kneels over slightly,she checks and her eyes widen as she sees deep cuts in the same positions that she had aimed on your body,mirrored onto her.

After seeing that you no longer had any cuts she came to the conclusion that you could transfer pain,once coming across this discovery she fled

She didnt want to be seen as weak but she didnt want to be killed of by someone who isnt even a demon slayer

She starts to think that your actually a hashira until she feels your aura again,your not your literally not even a demon slayer

She wonders how on earth your alive

She has so many unanswered questions

This list only piles up the more she thinks about it

She eventually traps you in her obi,asking questions and demanding answers

She gets extremely confused and rather angry when you tell her you have no idea how the fuck your even alive

She decides to make a deal with you,she brings you back to the red light district as her "apprentice" and you live,if you decline you die.

Although you know she probally wouldnt be able to kill you,you humor her and decide to go.

This is how you both start to bond

Snarky remarks are often when the two of you are in the same room

Her obi is actually really soft and nice to cuddle with,when your not trapped or being sliced with it

She let's you trace the patterns on it if you wish to.

If you want to do so with the cracks and flowers aswell she'll let you

She loves to do makeup on you or dress up etc

She actually likes giving you personalized gifts aswell as recovering them.

She very affectionate in private,in public shes alright with affection but not as much as in private

Due to the fact you keep daki busy muzan gives you his cursed blessing,he has made it very clear that no harm is to come to you whilst you are in a relationship with her.

Gyuutaro comes in the package with daki

Gyuutaro is rather easy to handle,tell him something positive about his appearance,give him a personalized gift or a slice of affection and that's all he needs

#cattonic writes #kintoru #sama #the mimic roblox #kintoru x reader #sama x reader #the mimic x reader #susie campbell #susie campbell x reader #alice angel #alice angel x reader #poppy playtime #poppy playtime x reader #mommy long legs x reader #mommy long legs #daki #demon slayer fluff #daki x reader #x reader

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isas-oc-asylum · 1 year

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G, H, W, and L for the ask game :>

G - Galyxiran DeLuna

WOOHOO another fucking Cyber sibling talked about. This one is The Galactic Prince and he thinks gender is a lie and he's right about that. He also is casually hiding in the body of the most famous bartender in all of Jazswing, Sylvester Hendy, BECAUSE HE WANTS TO. Literally he has no predators, he's vibing in this man for reasons unclear to everyone, and he's granted Sylvester a hell of a reputation by doing so.

H - Hazel Heartcrest

This made me realize I BARELY have any H-name OCs and those I do either aren't developed a lot or I don't plan to talk about on here because they're for other universes. Anyway, Hazel is an angel who was once human. He was given away by parents who weren't ready for him into a foster care system. He was adopted by AWFUL people who used him like a servant. Like BRANDED him awful. Hazel's boyfriend went berserk and killed his family, but accidentally killed Hazel too. Basically, Hazel went to Heaven and his boyfriend went to Hell and now they're the angel/demon trope.

W - Wilfre Raposa

MWAHAHAHAHA YOU HAVE ENABLED ME. Wilfre is the first of two Shadows, a species I'll post the lore for,, eventually. Wilfre is my second oldest OC so there is a LOT to him. In the most TLDR fashion I can: He was previously the BBEG of all my OCs, but turned out to be an incredibly vulnerable and heavily manipulated young adult by the Other first Shadow, and he also happened to be cursed by a magic staff. He got uncursed in the middle of committing atrocities, fled, and everything got worse. And then he decided to go on a huge redemption arc for the person he committed said atrocities against. After a lot of redeeming, he became a father figure to said person and by extension, a lot of other equally fatherless teenagers. And it stuck ever since. He is Dad(tm) and a brilliant, slightly fucked up 6'4" beanpole of a man.

L - Lyniaas DeLuna

I brought up Morwyn, I gotta talk about his big scary patron who's actually just an eldritch whore who really really really loves his boyfriend. He's the second scariest Satan Spawn there is, and he spends all his time being a total simp for his demigod boyfriend because he has eternal brainrot. But could eat people if he felt like it, has eaten people who threatened his boyfriend before. He just. Yeah he's a gremlin who's actually a very scary demon prince.

#asks and submissions #OC Asks #Galyxiran #Hazel #Wilfre #Lyniaas

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amyx2001 · 2 years

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THESE FOUR ARE THE MAIN CREW OF VILLAINOUS. Basically Villainous is a Latin American(I believe, please correct me if I'm wrong!!) show about the world's greatest villain, Black Hat, who is retired and running a company that helps other villains, and the misadventures of his three employees, Doctor Flug, Dementia, and 5.0.5. It is also a bunch of YouTube videos where weapons are showed off in the form of commercials, and Black Hat roasts the villains of other universes for their idiocy. Now, KEEP IN MIND THAT ONE, THESE ARE ALL ORIGINALLY IN SPANISH, THOUGH OFFICIAL AND UNOFFICIAL ENGLISH DUBS EXIST. ALSO KEEP IN MIND THAT I HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY WATCHED THIS SHOW OR READ ANY BOOKS/DONE ANY ARGS. WHAT LITTLE I HAVE SEEN OR READ IS FROM THE WIKI, GIFS, SCREENCAPS, AND TWO SMALL CLIPS OF THE SHOW. EVERYTHING ELSE WAS FANCONTENT I HAVE CONSUMED LIKE A SEAHORSE WITH A VACCUM SUCTION MOUTH. I feel Villainous is one of the few things that is better consumed through fandom, simply because I hate Black Hat in canon. He's terrible.

The rest of this will be under a cut, just so it doesn't eat the dash.

:readmore:

5.0.5

• Big blue bear friend with a yellow flower on their head!!

• 5.0.5 is very sweet, very gentle, and a pacifist at heart. They also like to help clean things, and are basically the maid, keeping Hat Manor clean and orderly. This is the only reason Black Hat keeps them around.

• 5.0.5 is mute, but still makes Awroooo sounds to communicate. Literally, that's the sound they make. They're also voiced by Markiplier?? Apparently???

• They were initially made from some of Black Hat's form, and they were supposed to be the most evil beast possible. However, some part of Doctor Flug's experiment went awry and instead we have a very sweet blue bear! Flug is basically their dad and it's adorable.

• THEY CARE SO MUCH ABOUT DEMENTIA, AND FLUG THEY TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM, AND BLACK HAT EVEN THOUGH HE'S AN ASSWAD. WHOLESOME BEAR CHILD. THEY ARE PRECIOUS.

• Fives has got to be the sweetest cinnamon bun in this show. Literally there is not a drop of malice in them. I would give them a tight hug and a kiss on the head and bake with them.

Dementia

• INSANE LIZARD GIRL WITH RED AND GREEN HAIR MY BELOVED.

• Dementia is absolutely insane. She can scuttle across walls. Her hair acts as a hammerspace. She kept escaping and had to have a tracker put on her. She's the manic pixie dream girl of death. Absolute lesbian icon.

• For some reason she's yandere levels of obsessed with Black Hat, who finds her annoying and wants her to fuck off. She wants to marry him and sees him as muscular/hot. I hc that she's a lesbian but doesn't know it yet. Maybe bi but definitely wlw.

• Dementia is volatile, and was another experiment of Dr. Flug's. No idea if she was human before or not, maybe she was. But now she's basically the manor's guard dog and enjoys causing annoyances, playing loud rock music, being a teenager/early 20s aged kid, and simping for Black Hat.

• Dementia is agile, strong, brave, and in general super cool. She's unbelievably underrated. I want to take her to a rage room and smash furniture and dishes together.

• She's kinda a little sister figure to Dr. Flug. Those two will fight all day but kill someone for harming the other. Absolute girlboss. She is the chaotic dumbass of the group.

Flug

• ANXIETY FILLED PAPER BAG.

• Doctor Flug is Black Hat's scientist, and a fucking awesome one to boot. He's created everything from anti gravity devices to size shifting rayguns, servant robots and statue makers, devices that can create the most evil thing the user can imagine and creating sentient life, he is a damn GENIUS. However, while Flug is probably smarter than Black Hat, was an extremely dangerous and likely well respected villain before joining the organization, and is the one Black Hat tolerates the most, he bears the most of the eldritch's abuse, and never gets an ounce of praise for all his hard work.

• Flug's name, Flugslys, is Icelandic for Plane Crash(I think?), despite this though he's actually a really good pilot! The one time he crashed(that we know of) is when he crashed a plane into the Manor. So now he's stuck with Black Hat. He wears a paper bag on his head for some reason, and apparently resents wearing it. Maybe Black Hat forced him to, idk.

• Flug actually loves airplanes and flight in general! He shrinks planes flying in the air down the miniature size and keeps them in a collection. The people aren't allowed out of the planes though. He also sleeps in a cryo-bed bc otherwise he has horrific nightmares and can't sleep.

• WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS FACE LOOKS LIKE BUT THAT'S OK. Tbh I love him with or without the bag. He's socially awkward but if you introduce yourself right he warms up quick, even accepting hugs! Also he's a good dad(unlike SOMEBODY. HAT.) and is very protective of 5.0.5. He seems relatively confident and gutsy, and has kind of an ego, but around Black Hat he's really anxious and afraid. All Flug wants is his boss's approval, but he's never going to get it because Black Hat is about as good of a villain as TFP Silas, and if you recall he was a real piece of shit. Flug deserves the title of Best Villain Of All Time, because Black Hat apparently doesn't know there's a difference between being evil and being an abuser.

• HE'S SO SWEET AND WHAT FOR I want to pick him up when he's tired and weary and upset, and kiss him on the head and wipe his tears, promising that everything will be okay. I want to hold him close and let him rest beside me, safe and secure knowing that I am currently making Black Hat's miserable life a living hell by biting and clawing the McFuck out of the bastard every time he gets within ten feet of the scientist.

Black Hat

• Oh Jesus Shitfuck Here We Go. This guy. The grinning cunt with the top hat. That's the shitwit. Founder of Black Hat Organization, alien eldritch being who's been around for a long ass time, and the holder of both the Greatest Villain title and the Biggest And Most Abusive Asshat title. Strap in this one gets salty.

• He is the worst evil of all. That you could ever imagine. Mass Murder? Piece of cake. Abusive boss? Yep. Withholding praise and pointing out even the smallest and most harmless of flaws and relentlessly reprimanding for them? All the time. He melts puppies when bored. He hates every living being and hates their presence unless they're suffering in some way. Pet abuser? He doesn't treat his pet snake Lil' Jack very well at all. No control over his anger issues. A deadbeat abusive father who wants nothing to do with 5.0.5, who is technically his kid. He feels little to no remorse for his actions. He's been like this since at least the Renaissance. Around since the Victorian Era at least. And he's apparently got no reason for doing this. No trauma, no backstory, no fears, nothing.

• He has almost every goddamn power ever. Shapeshifting, Pyrokenesis, Transformation, Laser Eyes, Dimension travelling, Dark magic, Technology tamperment through magic, Fourth Wall Awareness, Teleportation, you can look on the Wiki if you'd like. He's OP. But I do hc that he's got a weakness to subzero temperatures. He's overpowered, he's basically just there for smidgens of plot, he's awful.

• AND YET. He's weirdly appealing. He plays golf sometimes in his living room. He acts childish sometimes(read: all the time). He reads the newspaper. He's dapper and fancy. He's got living portraits of himself all over the damn place. He wears a black bowler hat underneath his top hat, and presumably a black fez hat underneath that bowler hat. He almost never removes that damn top hat. He's an old man and isn't good with technology. You'd expect him to sound like Johnathan Young or smthn but no he sounds like he's been smoking 35 cigarettes a day for 300 years and speaks through a cheese grater. He's a hideous piece of trash and YET. He's dapper. He listens to music. He's weirdly human despite his atrocities. And he's a Tumblr sexyman but let's ignore that. SOMETHING about who he is is just. interesting. And it's not his "ripped body" either. Sorry folks, this is a goddamn twink. Even if he wasn't I am immune to the sexual and romantic attractiveness of others so why would I also find myself captivated. There's something there.

• Black Hat is an eldritch freak of nature. A lot of people say he's a demon but that'd just be. idk I don't see as much appeal as the Alien idea. I do HC that Black Hat doesn't actively enjoy a lot of this, and has just desensitized himself to it, but this is already long enough without getting into my hc for his past. Also he's about 5' 9", if you add the hat he's 6' 7". The reason I bring this up is because Aroz is 6' 11" in her human disguise and 7' 2" in her actual form, and the reason I bring that up is because I have an AU where they're both trying to trick the other into falling for them and becoming prey to their manipulation but it fails and so the hatted embodiment of evil and the robot full of hate fall in love legit. He is a little bit of a simp because Aroz is a tall, strong, main character in an anime, and she's a Milf. Black Hat loves her so much and she manages to help him become more evil while putting a firm stop to the abuse. They would both die for each other and kill for each other. Either way, what bliss~

• I adore him I hate him he's my awful little oingly spoink. My skrunkly scrimblo. My left hand bitch of an alien. I would hug him, but I would also brutalize and traumatize him to the point of where he's afraid of literally anything that moves or can cause harm in any way. If he doesn't have a reason to be evil I will give him a fucking reason. There's too much Flug whump, not enough Black Hat whump. Also people are apparently unreasonably fucking horny for him. Thotticus that is a thousand or more year old eldritch demon with no interest in sex, not your hot strong macho business man with humanlike reproductive organs. I have many hcs of him but especially ace spec BH. Thinking demi but idk and neither does he because he doesn't care what you are. If you exist he hates you, if you're a hero he hates you even more.

ANYWAY UH THIS GOT LONG. hopefully the read more thing works ^^' anyway, your honor, them 💙 Not Black Hat though, I would punt him across the galaxy without hesitation or remorse, treat your employees better you sad bitchy old hat with eyebrows. If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask!! I'll answer as best I can :D -Z

#submission

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arce-elliot · 3 years

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Magnus Archives - First Impressions (151-175)

We’re almost there, gang. Out of the Lonely and into the Eyepocalypse we go! Blah blah I had 75% of the series spoiled and am jotting down my thoughts, you know the drill.

EP 151 (Big Picture): - OH SIMON??? - okay okay Simon's kinda funny, you go you funky little sky grandpa - Martin Tell Her The TRUTH EP 152 (A Gravedigger's Envy): - oooh another ancient one - hey that's terrifying wtf - can someone please comfort jonny boy good lord EP 153 (Love Bombing): - Idk why the cult ones freak me out, maybe because cults are real? - oh god what's gonna happen to that dog - I literally just made my dinner with white wine vinegar that's a little old are you sHITTING ME - GIRL GET OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S OFF - AYYY THE HUNTIN' GANG - tbh it was weird that they helped him even though they knew he wasn't human actually - DAISY!!!!! - Jon can you chill w/ the sass if you're not gonna help - Okay I'm gay but Daisy Growl Hot - Two dying monsters trying to reconcile their humanity, this is sad I hate it here EP 154 (Bloody Mary): - oh god it's This Episode I've been dreading it poor Eric - g o d Gertrude sounds so upset - I would die for Eric - "Eric I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna tELL ME HOW YOU QUIT" - I'm already crying good god - "he needed me" o w - MARTIN GOT TO SAY FUCK!!!!! - O U C H - i am so upset FUCK this podcast - the catalogue of the dead is just the Delano-Keay family album EP 155 (Cost of Living): - CALL HER OUT JON - Tova, to this doctor's heart: it's free real estate - A FUCKING C H I L D?????? - ah yes, some more DIY surgery, who needs doctors when you have knives? EP 156 (Reflection): - ayyyy adelard how are ya - oh fun flesh time - oh? extinction? - also that was gross what the fuck - M A R T I N EP 157 (Rotten Core): - go save Martin before I cry - ADELARD!!! - ah no, I'm gonna miss this dude he was kinda cool - this hits different in corona times - okay this is actually pretty gross wtf - Martin's lonely because he chose to be, Jon is lonely because everyone hates him, poetic cinema EP 158 (Panopticon): - Ah Shit Here We Fucking Go - OH WHAT THE FUCK NOT!SASHA???? - AYYYYY THERE'S JONAH MAGNUS WELCOME HOME RAT BASTARD - uh oh bye bye Gertrude Time - mom and dad are fighting to be Martin's favorite parent lmao - no not the promise :C - Martin is the brain cell, he really just played both these men like kazoos - gdi Peter give me my boy back EP 159 (The Last): - hi I am Sad - Marto blease just go with the tired eyeball man - "i see you" MY B O Y S EP 160 (The Eye Opens) - oh lord here we go - at least we get some Jonmartin conversation - Monologue Time! - Jon: can I just say, from the bottom of my heart...my bad EP 161 (Dwelling): - welcome to the apocalypse bitches - FINALLY i've been waiting for these tapes for my entire life - TIMMMMMM! SASHAAAAA! - Elias being a normal person is unsettling - ALL THE EYE JOKES gdi I refuse to simp for eyeball man - THE JARRING "ARCHIVIST" I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD - "If I wish for all of you to go away do you think it'll work?" well it worked on Tim and Sasha - Elias: I'm a cool boss, I can drink wine - the image of Jon just huddled on the couch with a bag of tapes and listening to them over and over is so sad - sorry Gertrude no Sasha, just a sad little man - thank u for the powerpoint Gertrude - JON DON'T SNAP - i love them so much your honor EP 162 (Cosy Cabin): - GERRY GERRY GERRY - okay Gertrude and Gerry are adorable I love goth boy and his badass grandma - Gerry, ever the pragmatist: but what about TAXES gertrude - Tim and Sasha interacting is the sweetest thing ;_; - oh this is AFTER the hookup lmao - OH WAIT Sasha canonically knew about Danny??? I didn't know that oof - Oh Jon's getting a phone call I suppose - Jon's trying so hard to be dramatic and Martin's like "okay bitch grab ur backpack and lets go" EP 163 (In The Trenches): - "Tell everybooooody I'm ooon my waaay, new frieeends and new plaaaaces to seeeee" - YESSS LET MARTIN CURSE OVER THE GUNSHOTS AND BAGPIPES - "Martin can you stand over there and cover your ears while I cast Eldritch Ramble" EP 164 (The Sick Village): - another one that hits different in corona times - I hate the word soupy - what in the midsommar - if you can't find your own statements, DIY your own - Martin: fuck u Jon, Helen's my friend now - Martin: can I get an Uber, can I PLEASE get an Uber EP 165 (Revolutions): - this is my friend's favorite episode so I'm excited - oh circus music gross - THE RHYMINGGGGG OH I LOVE THIS - my arms are sore from happy stimming at this audio oh my god - SHUT UP JON IT WAS A GOOD POEM - GET HER ASS JON - is that our first "Ceaseless Watcher"?? I think it was! - Jon: Level Up! - Martin: that's hot EP 166 (The Worms): - HELL YES JON SAID FUCK - oh worm? - Martin answer your damn phone - awww Martin don't doubt yourself :C EP 167 (Curiousity): - Fiona: lmao watch this -passes out- - oh I didn't realize Eric was one of the OGs, their conversations make more sense now - Michael :c - Gertrude you got played like a fiddle damn EP 168 (Roots): - jealous Martin lmao - Jon just tell him why you woke up that would probably solve this - As someone who also freaks out about every little twinge this episode felt targeted EP 169 (Fire Escape): - desolation time? desolation time. can't wait to walk through hell - so aside from Smirke's 14 we have the 3 additional fears: the Extinction, the Scotland, and the Landlord - oh this one is terrifiyng i love it - OOOOH the "jons" slowly fading in was really clever - G O D martin sounds so defeated poor boy EP 170 (Recollection): - Martin finding tape recorders is the cutest thing - Oh fuck are we in the Lonely oh shit - this is so disconcerting i love it - someone get this man a better chair EP 171 (The Gardener): - Martin: damn that's a lot of bones - oh not THIS dude again I can barely understand him oh my GOD - well that was interesting EP 172 (Strung Out): - oh web? - oh this is sad shit - I think this is one of the worst domains yet for me personally this sounds like hell - g o d the web makes my brain hurt blease Jonny I'm stupid EP 173 (Night Night): - oh dark? - oh so the darkness is just the apocalypse daycare? nice - oh and this tween runs it, nice - Jon: are you SURE you want me to kill this middle schooler? - wow this is depressing EP 174 (The Great Beast): - oh hunt? - oh vast? lmao that's what i get for assumptions - Martin just wants to kill a man is that too much to ask someone give him a gun EP 175 (Epoch): - ex...tinct...ion? - “Peter was right” no FUCK YOU I refuse to give Peter any credit LOOK ADELARD WAS RIGHT, Adelard Decker laid the BLUEPRINT - poor Jon he's gettin these hard-hitting google searches - Basira and Daisy?????? OH WAIT THAT MEANS OH NO

#the magnus archives #magnus archives #tma

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nobodytellsme-anything · 4 years

Text

what do we know about hatchetfield characters /nightmare time episode 2 in depth SPOILER WARNING

HELLO WHAT WAS THAT

ahem

so lads ya local simp made the mistake of watching episode two of nightmare time and is scarred for LIFE which means hyperfixating time! :D

if you haven’t seen it yet, GET OUTTA HERE. if you have, i’m gonna try attacking this detail by detail because i physically cannot rest til i’ve taken these two episodes piece by piece (and maybe cursed the langs a couple hundred times) and reasoned a happy ending for all of them in my mind! that’s just how this works! also i’m doing this directly from memory and discord vents, so if i miss anything please tell me

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. STAY THE HELL AWAY FOR YOUR SANITY.

forever and always

the homeless dude knows foreverandalways!emma from somewhere and is trying to stop her and paul from getting married (more on this later!)

ted’s at the wedding on october 17, 2019 (this is super important)

faa!emma matthews (to separate from tgwdlm!emma perkins) isn’t the real emma perkins. she’s an android double constructed by ccrp technical (oh yeah bitch) who has emma perkins’ dna, face, and life because--

tgwdlm!emma perkins sold her biological info in a shady deal for quick money to some corporation (mmm thAT one). she also spent her time backpacking in guatemala. in this universe, she’s never met paul, was presumed dead because she nearly died in guatemala, had her things and identification stolen, and had to make it back to hatchetfield without any form of id

tgwdlm!emma dies by paul’s hand, goaded on by faa!emma matthews, and is dropped in a lake (rip, sweet bby, you deserved so much better)

what about paul, you may ask? oh, this isn’t tgwdlm!paul, this is paul 23, a clone of paul produced by ccrp who later killed tgwdlm!paul and led a revolution of clones against the company that made them. he has most of our paul’s person down, except for his relationship with emma and memories here and there

android!emma and paul 23 are gonna kill homeless man in the ending (oh man yeah this is important)

time bastard

(where the HELL do i start)

in this universe, professor hidgens talks to siri instead of alexa. this is while he’s talking to ted about the potentials of getting laid by robots (which is the most disgusting thing i have ever had to type but it does, in fact, get worse)

ted had a previous love named jenny. in this time, he isn’t an asshole and he doesn’t objectify women, he repeatedly calls jenny the love of his life and his best friend (which i’m so soft for), but on october 17, 2004, jenny agrees to move in with andy to clivesdale (fuck clivesdale), even though she loves ted (who wouldn’t). this causes ted to become the pushy asshole we all hate. (it gets worse)

ted gets blackout drunk and transported to an alternate reality where he and jenny get married and he’s the boss of ccrp technical.

this vision is shown by a new eldritch horror god named tinky, who explains that he has ted in some yellow box of time/space/reality, and deems ted the time bastard. essentially, he’s fucking with ted on supernatural levels.

ted’s office is directly under what’s basically a time machine, an experiment worked on by coven communications research and power. when ted tiredly drudges over to his office for late night paperwork, he falls asleep on his chair and jokingly says he’ll be there for 85 years, which is how he accidentally tim travels

ted wakes up on october 17, 2104, 85 years in the future. he finds out that ccrp is doing human experimentation, using emma perkin’s biological info as an example, the world is divided into corporations and the leader of future ccrp is kilgore, someone who’s been waiting to hunt ted down because

ted is now outside major timelines, meaning his dna has genetic codes to unlock time travel. kilgore wants to kill ted for his dna.

ted manages to escape. he uses a futuristic weapon to disintegrate kilgore. he runs away back to his office and realizes that he can travel places anywhere in time. instead of going back to 2019, he chooses to travel back to 2004 to get back together with jenny

in a horrible turn of events, ted kicks andy 2004 ass, who identifies ted as “the bastard” and vows revenge (who’s andy? READ BACK UP) and jenny accidentally gets disintegrated. ted’s traumatized and tries to go back to his office to go back four hours earlier, but because the time machine hasn’t been invented yet, he gets stuck in 2004

tinky reappears and fucks with ted some more, forcing ted to listen to that yellow box of people living, dead, and nonexistent. this warps ted’s mind and permanently traumatizes him, leaving him alone, mentally disturbed, and homeless. (i can’t say enough how many times i typed “i’m so sorry ted” on all the chats i was on during watching this it HURTS)

as the homeless man, on october 17, 2019, ted tries to stop paul and emma’s wedding, having remembered that info on emma from his earlier trip. this fails and he gets kicked out

i’m sure you know what happens, but android! emma and paul 23 kill homeless man ted. this gets his spirit (?) stuck inside tinky’s box

inside the box is a maze of of strange proportions, and tinky controls ted and other people

ted considers paul his best friend

ted’s last name is spankovsty (not even gonna comment on this)

oop. there we go. i hope i got everything and i still have so much more i want/need to break down on the characters and themes and the new (oh no) extraterrestrial being, but here’s the whole list for now.

we are gonna die next saturday.

#nightmare time spoilers #team starkid #ted tgwdlm #emma perkins #paul matthews #hachetfield #homeless man tgwdlm #the guy who didn’t like musicals #my mind is racing #how dare you langs

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