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emotionalsupportbloggy · 2 years

Text

It Adds Up

My experiences have screamed at me that I don't matter. Now I'm finding it hard to believe that I do. From the little things to the big things, it all adds up.

It's no wonder I can still remember how I earned a medal from running a mile in 7 minutes in elementary school. I should have gotten a medal for that at the assembly but I was crushed when i was forgotten. I knew my time, why didn't the coach? I remember going by her office after to tell her that she missed me for a medal. It was important to me to see my achievement recognized but all I ended up with was a t-shirt like everyone else who ran in 10 minutes. I pushed myself for that time and made it and still managed to fall short.

I remember one time in elementary when my best friend pulled down my shorts after I was proudly showing her my new favorite butterfly shorts. Why does that stick in my memory? I have teased her to this day about it and she apologizes saying she feels so bad. I don't harbor a grudge, but 30 years later I still remember it so it must have made an impact. Why did she do that to me? We were best friends and I was showing her how much I loved my shorts. White with adorable colored butterflies. My pride turned to embarrassment in an instant. Did I deserve that? Add this to the list of times that being proud of myself would end abruptly in failure.

I made it to the spelling bee in probably 5th grade and was so proud of myself. My pride turned into devastation as I had to give up my place due to having to go to a funeral in Questa. I would not have the opportunity again. Of course I understood how the funeral was a priority. I think it was my cousin liito who passed away so tragically so I wasn't resentful for that, it would just add up to be another instance where my talents weren't recognized.

Fast forward to college where I worked so hard to graduate with honors. I even took an extra term as I started late in having this particular goal. I remember being so excited to wear an honors sash for my graduation ceremony, but when I went to the bookstore to buy it they didn't have one for me. Ok, but they'll still call my name with honors, right? They didn't. They called my name regularly, my diploma would list cum laude but there would be no public recognition of my accomplishment. It was so important to me and i worked hard to make the gpa, but I was overlooked again.

Why is recognition of achievement so important to me? I work hard to be a little better than the next but I can't seem to get anywhere for it. I'm still lumped in with all the regular folks who didn't try hard at anything. I've experienced a lifetime of falling short, so it feels.

I've worked at my job for 14 years now. They give recognition for 5, 10, 15 (and so on) years of service. They used to give a candy dish and put your name in the newsletter. In my latest department, someone will spot a coworkers name in the newslink and start a congratulatory email thread. I think this is awesome- we all need a little something to keep us going, right? I have yet to be recognized for my years of service. I have actually hoped to see it next year at 15, if I can make it. I'm burning out so quickly now. Will my achievement fall short again?

I've had some of my most devastating personal/professional experiences at this job. I was on top of the world in my measly paying job in 2013 because I had managers who esteemed me. The place was a mess and I started helping clean it up little by little with the HR stuff I was hired to do. I began taking more on because I was proud to do so and I was working toward a greater goal. I wanted my work to show for something, I wanted to prove myself. I took over duties from positions higher than me. I was a part of a lot of the important things that went on in that department. I was sitting in interview panels and assisting in hiring decisions. I mattered and the work I was doing mattered. I took over a job from a lieutenant that had to do with federal compliance. I studied this program and I knew it was important enough to be it's own higher paid role. We were out of compliance in a number of areas and I made an audit of our program and gave it to management. I even asked for a position so that I could fill and correct our deficiencies; I stressed the importance of this federal compliance. But there was soon a management shakeup and my beloved directors were gone. My heyday was over and I fell from grace as a new manager and his catty secretary came in. She was a problem child transplanted from another department. She was nice at first and then became passive aggressive and ugly. She would hide my mail and chide me for doing routine things I would normally do, like send a department email. She had the boss thinking I was the problem. I tried so hard to get out of that department. I applied for jobs every night. I tailored my resume and cover letter for each job I applied for, and I applied for many. I applied internally and externally with no call backs or interviews. Meanwhile, I was miserable at work and not having success in the job hunt was taking a toll on me. At work I was being demeaned and reduced. Another male boss came in and the two top bosses were toxic male chauvinists. Who are you to to sit in interviews? Just handle the paperwork, woman.

I urgently tried to get out, it was a matter of mental health at this point. I couldn't bear this nasty environment but there was nowhere for me to go; I couldn't just quit my job. Needless to say, the position I was working on did not come to fruition in my time there, but when I finally got a job in another department and left, they opened it with a high pay almost immediately after. They wrote the requirements so tight that even though I had been doing that job for years already, I wouldn't qualify for it. Nevertheless, I applied, but didn't get it. But before they brought their new hire on board, they collected me from my new position to go sit with the top executives to develop the policy for this program, since I had laid the groundwork for it the past few years. While I was so resentful for this, I couldn't refuse. How can you say no to a top executive and keep your job. The woman who holds this job today makes about $40 an hour, while I'm not even making $25 with a master's degree. It's not for a lack of trying to get ahead, either. I did all I could do to try to position myself for upward movement. I constantly volunteered for commitees and events around the college, networked, sought mentors who were well known and influential, and of course doing my job well and going the extra mile. But my efforts would not be very fruitful. While I was able to get into the advisor job I have today, I am the lowest paid with the highest degree of my peers. I have seen people around me move up with less education and experience. I've seen countless people put into roles with the title and pay, and the allowance to get the degree later that would otherwise qualify them for that job. I've seen male colleagues under the wing of a now retired "good old boy" rise through the ranks easily, leaving little old educated me in the dust. I've seen HR do what they want for who they want and people being hand picked for roles not because of what they knew but because of who. More and more I would become bitter and discouraged, my ambition and motivation dissipating.

Today I feel like a shell of the person I was. I can barely do my job anymore because the nature of my job changed without anyone telling me. It's no longer about holding to the regulations and standards, but pushing everything through to avoid complaining students and increasing enrollment. I had a number of complaints against me last year just for doing my job and the student not taking no for an answer. One would wonder- why don't I just leave this job if it makes me so unhappy? Fear. It stops me in my tracks. I believe deep down that I can do any job well, but the sum of my past rejections now equal a crippling fear. I joined this department with goal of upward movement since I figured the Director would retire in a few years. While I was right and there has now been more movement than ever in my department, I watch it despairingly from the sidelines. My mind is warped and now I don't belive I can get the job, that I measure up for it, or that I deserve it. I want more but can't pursue it. It's a vicious cycle, giving me plenty fuel for depression and self-hate.

A few healthier years ago, I was motivated to pursue a past life goal of mine to get into real estate. Instead of changing jobs, I added a second to keep the comfort and complacency of the first. If they don't promote me, I'll promote myself apparently. My first year was wonderful. I helped a lot of my loved ones get into a home and I got them deals I was proud of. I felt good about it and enjoyed learning the business. I attended all the classes I could and tried my best to soak up knowledge; I wanted to be good at this. As my mental health deteriorated, so did my ability to do this job well. I don't feel good about almost anything I do anymore. I feel like i have failed people. Most things I try, I can do. If don't think I can do it then I won't try. The problem is that now I don't think I can do anything and it's proving to be debilitating.

If I'm noticing a theme, it's that I feel like I have tried and failed in just about everything I've done. Even when I met the mark or reached the goal, I still manage to fall short. For me, no results, acknowledment, or appreciation for efforts equals rejection- and rejection equals failure.

My parenting has been a source of failure in the last few years. In 2018 my older son left my home, he was about 13. While he hasn't said specifically why he left, I suspect it may have been in part due to the increasing symptoms of my weakening mental health: anger, yelling, stress, sadness. I wasn't handling difficult or out of my control circumstances well and made a harsh environment for my family. After my son left, he wouldn't speak to me. He went to his dad's house and his dad and wife verbally advised me every chance they got. He was gone about a year and a half before he would speak to me again and longer before he would come home or allow me a visit. I unraveled more and more as time passed. Once my source of pride and joy, my kids became a representation of one of my greatest fails. As I became more depressed about one son, I inadvertently neglected the other. As a single mom for most of their lives, I was on top of it. I loved being their mom, and at one time I was a good one. They were my everything and it was all about them. We went everywhere and did everything: parks, libraries, Peter Piper, swimming; bedtime stories, dinner at the table each night, co-sleeping until I got married. Every weekend I was there to cheer them on as they played soccer games and juggled quite well to get them to practice through the week. They always had their doctor and dental checkups timely, each visit perfect health and no cavities. I was a fixture at their schools and often spent my lunch hours in the cafeteria with them. I volunteered as often as I could and we would do homework and watch TV in the evenings. We regularly attended church and Bible studies and my boys loved God, worship music, and praying in the car. When my older son left, I did my best to continue supporting my little one and being active in school with him. But then the pandemic hit and took a lot of the mental health I had left.

I suppose we all changed somehow during that time. My little one spent a year on the couch watching TV and playing video games. A normally super social kiddo ended up not wanting to leave the house. His temperament has changed drastically from the sweet, loving, bouncy boy of his youth. I understand that kids grow older and change, but now he's serious, constantly offended, and gets into lukewarm and getting hotter kind of trouble. He normally can't stand to be around me. I feel like I failed him while i was too busy wallowing about myself.

My older son has had challenges with his mental health. He ended up leaving his dad's and bounced from place to place, couch surfing. How can this feel good as a mom? He was attending school but performing worse and worse; absences increased more and more. Enduring more verbal abuse from his dad, I tried my best to get him home. He even went homeless for a couple of weeks, living at parks and sleeping in a school on the city's most dangerous part of town. He has had three suicide attempts, which were increasingly serious. No one wants this for their child, much less their young teen, and I was watching helplessly.

Thankfully today my older son is home and working hard to graduate this year. My little one and I attend counseling in hopes of mending our relationship. For all the hardship I endured with my kids, one would think I'd be a lot more joyful. I am so very thankful, don't get me wrong. But the hardship wore away my strength and will, and I have almost nothing to give them now. Just months ago I wanted to end my life because I felt like I'm worth more to them dead than alive. My fear of how I've harmed them has crippled me and I find myself in another cycle of depression and hate because I want so badly to be better and do better now that I have another chance, and I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know where to start. I just want to lay in bed all day while life passes me by... and I do too often.

A few months ago my beloved dog died. I was extremely devastated by this and pummeled myself with blame. Why didn't I do more? Why did I think what I was doing was enough? Why didn't i help her sooner? I couldn't stop telling myself what an idiot I was. Another failure under my belt- this one at a preciously high cost. She was only 4, she should have had a long life ahead of her. This was different than my other failures. This was final. I made the mistakes but my beloved paid the price. If I hated myself before, it was amplified now. I didn't know how I'd get through it.

I ended up having a massive meltdown shortly after, but with that came an intervention and outpouring of support from my loved ones. I was able to cope and move on, though I think about her all the time. She was mine and my husband's first baby together. We got her as a pup, knowing nothing about how to raise her. She ruined my carpets but it was ok, they needed to be changed anyway. She was my husband's doll and if I didn't love her so much myself I might have been jealous. Those two were inseparable. I loved how much he loved his baby- the baby I gave him. However as I was working through this trauma, I realized there was another issue that was unconsciously bothering me. My pup loved to eat and my husband fed her all sorts of trests and people food. It was out of love I know; he never had a pet before and she was very hard to say no to. But as she started having health issues I told him to watch what he feeds her and suggested he stop feeding her all the junk. It seemed like she had allergies but couldn't figure it to what. He didn't really listen to me, though sometimes he did. I was guilty too, I'd give her junk sometimes. She learned to beg and watch us eat with her beautiful eyes, knowing she'd make it out with something if she did it long enough. The habits didn't change and the health issues mounted. As it turns out, I'm a bit resentful that my husband didn't listen to me. Didn't my advice matter? Why didn't he think my input was valid? I cared for her, I wasn't trying to undermine or demean him. We were raising her together, why didn't I have a say? Her passing was extremely hard on him so I haven't had a conversation about how I feel. I don't want him to shoulder the blame but he also doesn't know that his disregard for my advice added up to feelings of rejection. And I've had a long road of rejection with him...

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