#Once I start‚ I'll never stop | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

respectthepetty · 1 year

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Even though I specifically asked to NOT have them, I have had the power of polls for a week now, and I'm being so brave about it.

Everyone got them this week apparently.

I'm going to treat them like a MAME series and feebly enjoy them through what y'all post. I can't be trusted with either. I'm not strong enough for them. I'm easily corruptible.

For example, I watched the alternate ending of 609 Bedtime Story FULLY AWARE it was going to be painful simply because it exists. I couldn't NOT watch it knowing it was right there waiting for me to hit the play button. It's the BL version of the Marshmallow Experiment. I just like to see people in pain including myself, I guess?

*hesitantly simpers in reluctant sadist*

#609 bedtime story #episode 11.1 #alternate ending #mum and nobody #dew and nobody #mint and nobody #vee x games but that shouldn't have happened #When will OhmFluke get a good series?#One where they don't have to cry all the time?#Aren't they tired of crying?!#I could ask that in a poll #But I won't!#Once I start‚ I'll never stop #So I'll never start #I wish I could hide the poll button and this episode #But I've seen both and I can't unsee them now #I blame myself

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hotcinnamonsunset · 2 days

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🎣lure me in, baby!

#knitting #wip #knitblr #pattern is Lure Me In on Ravelry🐠#all of this started because I reblogged a photo set of fishing lures on here and immediately was taken aback by the sheer amount of fishing #wordplay there is out there. like. reel me in here if I get carried away. catch and release me if nothing else. i'll never stop baiting you #anyways! fun details! a return of the fibonacci spaced waves on the sleeves my signature fav. stitches that look like fish along the raglan #and fishing lure colorwork designed by yours truly who has only been fishing once in her life and was ultimately just as thrilled digging u #worms for bait because I sure as heck didn’t have sick fishing lures like these😅#fish art

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flowercrowngods · 6 months

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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

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radioves · 1 year

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its quite shrimple actually

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maddy-ferguson · 11 months

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i just read a mlvn's answer to a "how do you think they'll deal with the will having feelings for mike storyline in s5" ask and they said they don't even think he'll get a proper coming out scene because the van scene served that purpose😭😭😭 yeah because god forbid mike finds out right

#they were also like i'm queer i love will positive representation needed but most importantly...REALISTIC representation🙏 the usual #also s5 will just be business it'll be action from the start no time for romance or something #i found myself reading that because someone made a post about tagging and about how you have to tag anti mileven not anti random nickname #and about cross tagging 'because a lot of pro-byler posts end up on the mlvn tag' and i swear that's not a thing #people have said this before and when they say this i'll go check but it's like...1 post in 20 maybe #which is still a lot ig but people will say stuff like MOST of the posts on the mileven tag are bylers and that's...really never true #but i get why people are confused because last year they campaigned for people to stop tagging anti mileven 'bc it shows up in the tag'#which is just...not true it'll show up when you search the word mileven without going to the tag sure but that's because you're supposed to #filter the anti mileven tag #anyway #anti mileven #<- being a good citizen because i said the entire word for once #and like i say: brf slt

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poppies · 4 months

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2023 was the worst year of my life. not sure what's to come or where to start but i know things have to change, i have to fix things somehow

#i haven't been very active online #last june i experienced something traumatic and i'm stuck in an environment in which i cannot heal #plus chronic pain has inhibited my life to a devastating degree #so all i've done these past months is sink further and further into a sadness and emptiness and pain i can't describe #it's scary to look in the mirror at somebody entirely unrecognizable. i feel hollow and devoid of any traits #i feel i've lost everything that made me 'myself'#lost my family. lost my health. lost myself. lost all the things i cared about once #i don't think i can ever return to the person i was before. so i have no option but to start anew #i need to stop being so terribly nostalgic for the things i can never get back #i can't keep clinging onto broken shards #honestly i know deep down that holding on to the hurt has never served me. and i doubt it ever will #but i'm scared to let go. scared of what will take its place. scared of what i'll find.#i don't think i can heal here #so i'm just enduring. but it's scary how time keeps passing. i've been so dissociated and none of this feels real #i feel so hopelessly lost and trapped and behind. i'm 23 now but it feels so wrong #✩

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tardis--dreams · 2 days

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Some of those doctors make hating oat milk their entire personality. I hate them. Cannot pretend to find them funny or like i give a shit. Fucking pretentious assholes

#also my colleague (the girl i had my shift with) is the exact opposite of me in all aspects. asked me if I'd ever worked in customer service #because i couldn't care less about being fake friendly to assholes and don't care if they like the service or not #like bitch those people don't have any other choice but drink our fucking coffee it's not like I'm competing with anyone #or like they pay us in any way. i get paid for doing the dumb work i have to do not for stroking some dumb ass doctors' egos #they come out of their rooms once an hour to get coffee and we have the cups on the table and i wouldn't even Think of #HANDING them the cups and smiling sweetly at them and asking 'coffee? tea?? :))'#I'll just assume these grown adults will get their stupid coffee or tea when they want some. it's not like they don't know where it is #(and i AM friendly and smile when someone is coming in our direction but why the fuck do you need to get so disgustingly friendly with them #if someone held up a cup asking if i.want some coffee I'd leave immediately even if i came just for coffee. it's creepy)#anyway. she's nice. I'm not.#there's normal people who will get their coffee and maybe ask if the milk in the little jug is cow milk to which I'll happily reply 'yes #:)'. then there's the other people who see the oat milk and make it clear they are the most insufferable people on the planet #(and i pity their patients so much. not much to choose from i guess but if i had that as a doctor I'd happily just die)#like everyone who took oatmilk could do it without making a fuss about the cow milk on the table. the cow milk lovers could never #'the oat milk is in front of the actual milk. this is unacceptable. i hate such healthy bullshit' lol okay #'OAT milk?? I'll leave this to the horses! THANK GOD you have actual milk!'#my favorite was the one who really took personal offense with its sheer presence. as if it had killed half of his patients lmao #'we had 50 patients with xyz problem. ALL of them drink oat milk. they cannot see the connection. it's really unhealthy'#at this point i just said i didn't care and stopped paying attention and he started complaining to his doctor colleague about how #oat milk is advertised to be healthy and how it's actually the opposite and i just find that very funny compared to the first comment #from that one guy who doesn't like such healthy bullshit. you guys need to find a consensus on the oatmilk issue i think. no one takes you #seriously if you contradict yourself like this. also i couldn't care less about the healthiness of the milk alternative of my choice. bitch.#next week I'll end up killing someone. i hope they all die from their cow milk. (but not the ones who took cow milk and didn't say anything #about the oat milk. they can continue living as they didn't annoy me)#void screams #some of these doctors were actually quite nice (most of them even). one even brought an applicant to us telling her to get some coffee #(which we are not allowed to give to applicants. but i don't care. I'd rather they get something than some of the asshole jury members #who hate oat milk (which is not the issue. the issue is them making it everybody else's issue that they don't like oat milk))

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datastate · 1 year

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anyway top ten lines that are going to wreck me emotionally until i die

#at her side at the detriment to himself... wanting to support her because she has potential he never has #the lines before where he just. insists again he's only here for management issues because the only one #with potential seems to be her. where he puts himself down and the reason they stopped interacting #at all was /because/ he encouraged her to get the contracts and shit signed to start these bands #and now that he's at her side... seeing it all... he's happy for her #but stronghold knows reko's streak. he knows what happens to bands she's been in. is alice really gonna risk any relationship w her once #the band inevitably falls apart? wouldn't it be better to have no relationship to start with?#i'll literally explode #jestersvaguely #yttdlb #yttdposting #i need to replay alice's event rn #that one was sooo fucking good

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querido-eh-dump · 10 months

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Thank you Evan Hansen

#for giving us a space to remember we are not alone #and all that #I believe the final show in there it's about to start hmm hmmmm or it ended already orrr #was never gonna be able to see it but u will be missed #once more.. grateful to the people who brought them to life but i'll keep them with me regardless #anyway i had to bite my hand to stop me from trying and sneak M in there /j #evan hansen #dear evan hansen

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running-in-the-dark · 2 months

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got a new hard drive (had to, no space left 😔), so I'm using that as a reason to completely reorganise my files (mostly shows, movies etc)

I'm having such a good time 💖

#not sarcasm! it's so fun #the only thing that sucks is that I managed to break sonarr somehow. didn't touch a thing but okay sure #I'll figure it out #I've got to wait for a couple cables that we had to order anyway before I can start moving stuff around #I've been sooo frustrated with how chaotic everything has been so this is gonna be great #but yeah I've had to delete so much stuff already (not at all because I've been downloading too much John Larroquette stuff or anything...#😬😬)#and I've been complaining about it every day so my husband bought me a new hard drive 🙈#still not enough space but it'll do for now #I always think 'oh I'm not a data hoarder! I don't have nearly as much stuff as those guys on reddit or wherever!' but like. it's not #because I don't WANT to save all of it #I only have *checks* 16 TB now with the new hard drive. I'd absolutely get a bunch of 20 TB ones if I could but no instead I spend money on #dumb shit lol #anyway yay I can stop deleting movies! very exciting #lol if anything I'm a hard drive hoarder.... I've got 7 internal ones and 3 external ones now.#yeah I just add new ones and don't remove any #I don't even wanna say it because I'll jinx it but. I've never had a hard drive fail. in over 20 years of having computers. I'm scared it's #gonna happen but 🤷 so far it hasn't lol #well one external one started failing but it went gradually not all at once. so I was able to move everything off of it first #and I mean I have backups of everything that's important! but not any of the media stuff 😬 it wouldn't be awful but it'd definitely make me #sad because I'm sure there's things there's that I couldn't find anymore #personal

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plexippusangel · 2 months

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I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.

#faer personal files #i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming #also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of #ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess #but i don't think that's the case #idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up #from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off #and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try #if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that #i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability #but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong #and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21 #or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart #bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times.#and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!!#and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine #but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart #like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like #no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can #and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going #too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa #more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around #idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian #but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the #FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on #anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.

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heavenknowsffs · 11 months

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Sorry for another vent post but here goes

#like i'm not looking for a relationship ok ? but i met this guy and we've been hooking yp #but like he is being all sweet and caring and he is great don't get me wrong #he's like eddie munson i'm not gonna lie #but at the same time he doesn't get my jokes and when i make a sarcastic comment or something funny he always thinks i'm being honest #and then he's too sweet if it makes sense in normal convos? BUT if i am ganuinely distressed (which i am a lot you guys know)#he is just not very emotionally intelligent 😬 and like it's all fun and wtv but i feel like he might like me more than i like him #and i called him babe once bc i had this girl friend who calls everyone babe and i spent like 3 days with her so i called him that #and now he always calls me babe and i'm like 😐 pls stop but i can't tell him to stop bc it will seem rude #and yeah my friends that know him are like he's such a cool guy and so sweet and everything and it looks like we're dating #but like we're not man we're not i met him a few weeks ago #anyway i think in reality i'm trying to find bad things about him just so i can justify not liking him and sabotage the whole thing bc +#+ i'm too afraid lmao #i think i'm emotionally unavailable and don't want a relationship or feel ready for it at all #i feel like i'm starting that age most ppl have at 18/19 of exploring and just vibing except i should have gone through that then #but i never got the change bc of abusive relationships and being at home and not having freedom to just exist #and now i do and i feel like if i start dating someone i'll lose my freedom again #which should not even happen in a healthy relationship but that's how i feel #maybe will talk about this to my therapist see what he says #i think i know what he will say like 'you're just afraid don't think about it too much tell him how you feel'#and i HAVE told him generally how i feel and that i don't want to move mad about it and he was like 'no were just getting to know eachother

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gibbearish · 4 months

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the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice

#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email #ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown #at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in #and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm #m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚#(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say)#n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna #keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time #so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool #and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said #or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚#then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i #need anything‚ thank you'#and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case #i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only #acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard #keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before #and still my sentences prevail

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orcelito · 1 year

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my heart fucking dropped here. Vash compartmentalizing like crazy, and then the reveal of him having used nearly half of his remaining life power...

using his literal life force to give himself time to bury wolfwood and recover...

for His Sake... eat and regain strength for Him...

aaaaand i started crying here for the Fifth Time at the callback to when vash and wolfwood fought over the sausage while eating spaghetti

aaahahaahahaha

and that's the end of volume 10! ahah ha ha h ha

Ha.

#speculation nation #fanny reads trigun #trigun spoilers/#last image. is how i feel right now.#literally. 5 times crying. LITERALLY i have cried only three times total this year besides this #so now i have cried 8 times. and FIVE OF THEM. were for wolfwood.#(yes im keeping track. i cry so rarely it's very easy to keep track of how many times i cry.)#i am. never going to be the same person after this.#my entire vashwood experience up until now was Knowing this was going to happen #recognizing the Painful Things. the Couch. the 'I wanted to share my tomorrows with him'. and so on.#but i really was not prepared. i reaaaaaally was not prepared.#i shouldve fuckin saved this for a time when i dont have a presentation in the morning (that i havent even started)#it's... it's fine... i'll be fine.#ultimately this was happening NOW and i couldnt really stop it.#volume 10. fucking Volume Ten man. nothing else has hit me harder.#really this is a new record. previous records for things that have made me cry were tales of xillia 2 that made me cry twice #critical role calamity made me cry twice. nabari no ou made me cry at Least once & i was fuckin bawling so that counts for smth #but. five times. tears down my face sobbing Five Times. nothing has EVER made me cry this much before. this is literally insane.#oh wolfwood.............

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fazcinatingblog · 5 months

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Event: book club

Subject: room by Emma Donohue (can't remember spelling)

The floor is open to questions, anyone?

Yeah, uh, at what point do kids stop, um, having some? What if they never progress to other milks, what if their preference is always mum and when they're in a cafe, and offered oat, almond, coconut, cow, macadamia, soy, etc, they say

That's all

#i haven't finished yet!!!!!#they're in the clinic at the moment #has he never had an Easter egg before #anyway #i get the stairs thing - those things are scary #it's alright Jack I'm still crawling down stairs on my butt and I'm----#no ok i do walk normally but my brain wishes it was socially acceptable to #but imagine being of conscious mind and thinking 'yes i want some I'll crawl to my mum's---' at what age do you have your own thoughts?#surely once you have your own thoughts and start really thinking about things that's when it stops?#no offence to children I'm sorry keep drinking kids never stop

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born-to-lose · 1 year

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According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?

#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared #and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed #for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their #'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past #some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade #so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record #plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself #if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money #but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom #and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders #i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty #advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all #i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That #mel talks

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