#Time to go hide again I guess

[boundinparchment]

breaking in for a second to say that a lot of the recent stuff going on for writers in particular boils down inherently to a lack of respect.

for one another.

for ourselves.

for our hobby.

from readers who passively just assume that a like is enough. that you don’t need to or want to engage meaningfully.

social media trained you all to be passive consumers and let a computer make decisions for you.

change that shit. reblog. comment. tell people you like their stuff. saying “I liked this” is better than a single fucking like on a post that is lost in the void.

and for those who write based on trends and find themselves constantly burning out: respect yourself and the characters you enjoy more. cherish them. stop chasing so much. this hobby isn’t about notes and being popular, it’s about the love (and sometimes the hate) for canon. not everyone is gonna be the next Cassy Claire or Ali Hazlewood or BNF, just be yourself and stop saying something flopped. maybe just make something you love and embrace happiness.

for those who get into the weird nonsense about ship politics and dark content and other shit: see above about changing behavior and stop engaging with shit you don’t want to see. change your filters. block tags. like you’re capable of using tools given to you instead of harassing people off the face of the internet and being a faceless bully.

#2kmps post inspired me and now I’m just mad #was gonna post a whole rant on my side account but ultimately my point was there is just massive disrespect all around #Time to go hide again I guess #Okay now I’m really logging out for the day I’m just so sjciendlwhciebdosns #you all need to know your legacy fandom history and experiences but also: need to understand the damage of short form content #but that’s another post and I think I’m already pressing everyone’s buttons today #Juni chats #juni runs back to hiatus

[angel-of-sweet-revenge]

Normal people: vent about their feelings in a diary or blog post

Me: makes a whole ass zine at nearly midnight

#okay so i was CONSIDERING the vent zine #and then um something and then i was like “yeah no i cant rest until i get this out” #so i sat down and made this vent zine that's gonna embarrass me next year lmao #am i okay? ... actually I'm trying to be okay now #I'm just questioning something about someone #sorry to keep referring back to That Thing it's just been on my mind a lot #even before that vent post for a while now i was wondering if everything really was okay. if it was making me okay. #because i dont want to be selfish and abandon someone when they need me. I've been abandoned before. #but it's been going on like this for a while and I'm taking too much of it in #i cant even see their name on my phone or like receive a message without going through mini heart attacks wondering if something's wrong- #-again and if i need to hear another drama again #it kind of feels uncomfortable as well in a way. like they're oversharing and that I'm not supposed to be knowing so much #maybe that's just me though. maybe im automatically distancing myself without realising it? #i dont know i just want to hide and not be so... involved i guess? #i think maybe I'm a person more suited to lighter friendships. or maybe there's been so much heaviness that this is just too much now #i dont know. i dont hate them at all but i wouldn't be too upset if they ghosted me (maybe thats just how i feel right now) #i dont know if I'm running away from my problems instead of trying to fix them or something #i have fixed them before. i have communicated and fixed issues before but this time i just cant anymore #okay that's enough rambling. it's midnight #mind you my zine does look pretty good. for a zine made out of a single sheet of paper and written/doodled on in black pen with a lil red #alright that's enough from me now. if you've stayed for this long go drink some water-i know you havent hydrated in ages #(says the woman who hasnt hydrated either-)

[xay2jang]

sometimes i think abt the only times shinichi feels his voice is heard is when hes using someones elses voice (upsetting) but then i remember that he usually just sits right behind the guy he drugged (hilarious). sometimes he even just stands right in front w his back facing the room. detective conan is objectively the funniest show ever

#dcmk #my art #edogawa conan #mouris back is there but. nah no tag #like... god thats so funny. thats so fucked up. normally ppl dont even listen to teenagers #and now no one listens to a kid. he gets things snatched out of his hands #yoinked like hes a weightless grape #rans goes through like 10 different suspicion arcs where shes like lets listen and respect conan #and then immediately after they get resolved shes like no mister ur in the way again silly #my little guy just wants cases to rest. he wants to go home and read a book on the most niche topic ever #sometimes i also think about if sleeping kogorou gives him comfort or not #its the one thing he can rlly control without going through a million arere hoops #yeah it sucks that kogorou is just knocked out all the time i guess. rip to him but #honestly its the Only time ppl just shut up and let him control the scene exactly the way he wants #every other time its adults going haha crime scenes arent for kids. getting scolded by ran or mouri. kids following him. etc #when sleeping kogorou comes into play its like the world falls silent #its just him orchestrating a show. him the audience and the thrumming tension in the air as he unravels a story #anyway. hes either the best or worst at hide and seek #cant tell if his clothes r stupid enough but they feel funny to me and thats all that matters

[radioactive-cloud]

those past few days are really testing my patience with some of the takes and opinions i've seen on the internet and i'm so fucking done with all of this i just want to delete all my accounts from everywhere and live somewhere in the woods (as far away from russia as i can) and to never come in contact with another human being again

#i'm so exhausted i just have to rant even tho nobody will care #i have some trouble sleeping because i'm either waiting for another attack to happen #or reading the news about dozens of missiles flying at my country #or hiding in the bathroom while listening to explosions because it's supposed to be the safest place in our appartment #and then i open social media and see all the destruction and casualties and deaths that happened overnight #and at the same time i see people adoring and praising and defending russians and their culture and language #and creaming themselves because of their “mysterious russian soul” #and telling ukrainians that they are stupid and toxic and that what they feel about their killers and occupiers is wrong #well newsflash y'all #russian culture is nothing but blood and death #russian language is nothing but blood and death #it's not just fucking putin doing all of this shit #he wasn't there when ukrainian nation and culture and language were oppressed for literal fucking centuries #did russia invent human cloning for putin to be all those soldiers at the frontline and all those people building drones and missiles? #open your fucking eyes and think for a fucking second #i go to sleep every night fearing that i may not wake up #and then in the morning i see people admiring russians and foaming at the mouths defending them #and then also fucking michael sheen of all people sending his love to them #and i become so insanely pissed #get a fucking reality check #i'm so sick of people excusing russia and its actions #once again guess i'm a walking big bad angry ukrainian stereotype #well that's what war does to you #i won't wish for anyone to experience this but also it may be the only thing that makes some people aware of what a rotten thing russia is #i'm so done and i don't want to feel all of this and i don't want to be a human and i don't want to have thoughts #maybe it's for the best if a missile flies into my room so i won't have to be here any longer and witness all of this shit #(it's a thought i've been having lately and ngl it kinda scares me) #ukraine #russia is a terrorist state #btw i've just discovered there's a limit of 30 tags

[monty-glasses-roxy]

I find attempted murder plots a lot more fun than actual murder plots unless said murder is the inciting incident for a mystery, honestly. Someone almost getting Murderized and then having to continually evade the person/make sure it doesn’t happen again/generally deal with the consequences of that are always fun

How does one just come back from almost getting murdered by someone who was once your friend? What do you even do at that point when you’re an animatronic who can’t even leave the building?

In the scenario proposed in previous ask, I don’t think Freddy would’ve expected to re-activate, and he’s probably not so dense as to be clueless on Why they tried to kill him.

I can imagine him like giving back the parts and apologizing once everyone’s back to themselves, but he might’ve thought that his friends were permanently Lost by the time he was accepting the parts/put together where the parts were coming from, especially if they’re going so much against their programming to try and hunt down and kill a child.

(Clarity: Not trying to say you’re writing him wrong or anything, just chiming in with how I see him)

(In reference to this ask and since this is might be something you wanna see @jellycreamjammedart)

Doesn't that make it worse? If he thought they were permanently gone, so much so they would try to kill a child, doesn't that make it worse that none of them could kill him? He looked at them and said they're beyond saving, he thought they would kill this kid no matter what in that state, and when given the chance, the shining moment when they could do the things accused of them, they couldn't do it.

The thing is, does he even know they're virus'd? Does he even know they're gonna kill Gregory? I think with some of their actions, it could be guessed they'd probably hurt him but why would he believe they'd kill? Does he trust them so little he'd jump to that conclusion once they start acting weird?

But this assumption that they'd kill Gregory... isn't it worse if he just assumed they're beyond saving? Yet for some reason, they can apparently save Vanessa? For some reason, he's totally fine? For some reason the only solution is to destroy them? Doesn't it make they fact they couldn't do it to him worse because he'd assumed they could? For assuming all of that and not considering they could be saved, surely if he understands his mistake it just makes everything worse?

Because if you think about it, if he was okay with them being destroyed... what makes him better than what he assumed of them? They couldn't kill him, and yet he was fine with the others possibly being killed. He helped them be destroyed, never sought an alternative solution that could have helped them and assumed they were long gone and beyond saving. Yet, even at their lowest points, even after they have more than enough reason and even after they had Freddy's life completely in their hands like he had theirs, they couldn't do it. They backed out. Or someone stopped them.

Isn't that worse? That they made the decisions they needed him to make? Someone stopped them, like he should have stopped Gregory or someone didn't have the heart to let him die, when he had the heart to let them be destroyed. I can't help but feel that's worse.

#pop rox answers #and yeah buddy I know you're not saying I'm writing him wrong or something #this is all purely discussion! #I don't think he deserves to die or that anyone would kill him but a few might come close maybe #you're so right almost being murdered is much more interesting than murdered especially in this context #fun fact! cause they're animatronics they're a lot harder to kill! #so you could deactivate them in your attempted murder sure #but if you don't destroy those chips? if you don't destroy their memory and their self? #what's stopping them from being reactivated again? what's stopping them from being found? what's stopping them from coming back? #with full knowledge of what you tried to do to them? #very hard to get away with the murder of an animatronic! especially if you're an animatronic and don't know where the chips are stored! #or you didn't know your hardwired programming would physically prevent you from finishing them! #and now the only way to keep them deactivated is to hide them without a trace! #but there's ALWAYS a chance they're gonna be found. there's always a chance the dead will start talking. #your programming has the same limits as everyone else. they can go everywhere you can go. #you may never rest easy again knowing it's only a matter of time... #I guess unless you're Roxy with the high security clearance but she couldn't do it anyway #the doggo has seen too much death to ever cause it herself... #intentionally anyway. #might be really fucking tempted though #anyway!!! yeah!!! that's that!!! #fun!!! #murder is such an interesting topic cause how much would it take to push them to do it? how far can they go without backing out? #how does an animatronic commit an impossible murder? #fun stuff!!

[sailforvalinor]

.

#oohhh girlies in my phone I’m really in it now #I went to talk about this in the tags last night but then I rambled so much I HIT THE TAG LIMIT LOL #but um basically I got re-acquainted with a boy I was friends with when I was nine only to discover that I still have a crush on him??? #MAYBE??? I DON’T KNOW???? #I genuinely don’t know if I actually do or if I’m just thrilled to find a guy I can talk to like a normal person who doesn’t make me want #to dig a hole in the ground and hide (this is not a dig at the menfolk I’m just nervous around guys my age for some reason) #it’s such a rarity you know??? #I just I don’t know aaaaaaaaaahh #I don’t often find people that I’m on the same wavelength with like that. like a kindred spirit thing #and like one thing is he IS a year and a half or so younger than me which is slightly awkward now but won’t be in even just a year or so #my family (in their usual fashion) have tossed him up to me as a potential option multiple times this week and I haven’t been as adverse as #I usually am to their suggestions so like. I think they can TELL haahahahhahahaha #like it doesn’t matter I guess because I’m going on an exchange program and I won’t see him again until next year anyway #but it’s been two days and I can’t stop thinking about it #also the other thing is I don’t have his number but my brother has it and like I’m not going to ask for it because a) my brother would make #fun of me relentlessly and also b) what would I even do with it I’m not that brave #I am perfectly content with just being friends for the moment but I don’t want to let that friendship atrophy in the whole year we don’t #see each other but!!! I’m too awkward!!! #but. anyway. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[bo0zey]

manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs

#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly #also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday #was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled #6:13??? #then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything #so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs #and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor #i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk #and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years #i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly #so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again #i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to #i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone #they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday #they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words #i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone #meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs #i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her #“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’ #i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again #i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again #ooos im crying again lol #im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child #23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol #i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t #i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol #pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid #drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem #i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like #i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

rotates legends zone dymanics in my mind

#the nemesis speaks #the legends zone #hi. sorry. apparently this is The AU of the Day. im going to bed soon promise #but god one thing i do really get obsessed with so fast is porting characters to another situation #and seeing how their relationships evolve #AND i love Bonding. so this is great. #anyway to nobody's surprise i AM envisioning akari as the protag and rei as counterpart #and i think being stuck as a child developmentally for a century of running and hiding and fighting across universes #has some uh. Fun Lasting Effects #and then she Forgot ever going through that and was also cut off from her family (her FAMILY-) #so it's. hard. the whole world feels Wrong. her emotions are too Big for her body to hold #she's still a child but it's like she's doing it wrong somehow. she isn't like anyone else #which is what directly relates to her running away from the home she gets put in bc they fundamentally CAN'T get it and also don't try #and she's so hurt and frustrated and she KNOWS she could be on her own anyway! one of the ways in which she's too grown-up #but that's hard too it's just hard in different ways #and then she finds cyllene and lav and ingo again and it's just like. a Click. somehow it's so much easier to Exist when they're there #....this is mostly abt akari i guess. oops. there's more abt the others but there is a theoretical tag limit on these things #AND ALSO I THINK SHE'S A DIVINE OR CHOSEN SORCERER. so that's another thing. magic she can't 100% control #that just burns through her when she gets emotional #ingo meanwhile has not felt An Emotion in five years. and laventon is off in lala land approximately 50% of the time. #and if you ask cyllene she'll say her only emotion is Shouting. but she's a fucking liar #but more on that another time!

[seafoam-taide]

i hve this like. giant THING. that i want. so badly. and i think it’s actuually a horrible thing to want. like. it’s not something you should want. i think. i think i’m kind of horrible for wanting it. and i wish i could talk to literally anyone and get a second opinion any opinion just any opinion so i can at least know if it really is bad or not. but if it is bad then whoever i talk to would hate me i think. and maybe i would deserve it. but see i would have to ask someone who is familiar with the thing and therefore has some sort of authority on it. but most people i know who would be an authority on it are people i like a lot and want to be friends with. and i don’t want to ruin that by admitting this horrible evil fucking thing. but i /need/ answers. but i can’t ask for them. i can’t ever ask for them. and instead i hide with this huge horrible fucked up secret evil thing in my head and i’m just stuck here. and of course now that i’m not admitting to it i’m tricking these people who think i am nice. or good. when i’m secretly so horribly not. fuck

#tide of consciousness #always asking for permission to forgive myself or to hate myself #i can't even make decisions #aw shit wait. this means i lied earlier. this unstable moment DOES come with a wordy ass fucking post. fuck #augh making this post is just going to make it seem like ive done something fucked up because its so vague #but i guess in reality just the having the thought isnt evil #i just. it just feels like that. all the time #sigh #once again i am vagueposting in lieu of actually solving my problems #once again i am substituting in random people on the internet for a genuine person to confide in #sigh. #sorry again. i dont know why i apologize when i make the choice to post these #i guess it's just the shield i hide behind #ughhh #i rlly need to make a way for people to block these nobody wants to see this #ummm #fissures on the seafloor #sure. whatever #block that tag if you hate this post thumbs up emoji

[watchingthefog]

Abandoning my og!Elias WIP to write some illegally soft LonelyEyes... They should go on vacation together: Peter planned the entire trip himself, hidden the whole time within the obscuring fog of the Lonely, because Elias hates surprises so of course Peter wanted to surprise him

#Peter has always been good at only letting Elias See him when he wants to be seen. Elias worked hard to get through his barriers‚ early on #but Peter of course needs his time alone. he oft keeps Elias out. it's good for their relationship: absence makes the heart grow fonder :P #(it's enthralling to Elias‚ getting close to someone so good at obscuring his sight. tantalizing to have him close but just out of reach) #but needles to say‚ Peter keeping to himself wasn't suspicious by any means. it was‚ then‚ truly a surprise #when Peter announced on a Friday morning that Elias would be joining him that afternoon‚ as soon as he left work‚ on a flight. #to where‚ he refused to say. and the Eye itself could not provide him with the information hidden so well by the Forsaken #it annoyed Elias all day. #the private jet was manned by long-time Lukas employees. they were not nearly as hidden from his gaze as Peter himself‚ #but they were good at staying unseen. it was not until hours into the flight that Elias finally Knew where they were going. #“The Caribbean‚ Peter?” Elias muttered. The Edward Bodden Little Cayman Airfield‚ specifically. he rolled his eyes fondly #Of course if Peter was going to pick a tropical island for his vacation spot‚ he'd choose one with a population of less than 200 #the Institute employed more people than that. #“All this secrecy just for that?” Elias asked. Peter's only response was to laugh at him. Elias scowled. #he was hiding something else‚ and even if Elias didn't Know‚ he could certainly guess. “I am not getting on a boat with you.” #Peter laughed again‚ far too delighted to have tricked his husband into finally going sailing. well. that's fine. #this marriage had lasted too long already anyway. it was their first time celebrating an anniversary‚ after... all... Oh. #Elias blinked. Peter planned this for their anniversary? yes‚ of course he did. he remembered ahead of time‚ without any input from Elias #that was... that was actually touching. #it did Not make up for the motion sickness Elias was sure to suffer from this weekend‚ but it was... something. #in the end‚ Elias got on the boat. #on Tuesday‚ after the long weekend holiday‚ Elias came back to work horribly sunburnt because *someone* didn't pack sunscreen. #this is exactly why *Elias* plans their trips instead of Peter. he certainly wouldn't have forgotten anything #alright now time to turn those tags into a real fic #i have Thoughts about Lukas employees. Peter is sailing them on an absolutely oversized massive yacht btw. sailboat yacht ⛵ #of course it has many employees. chefs‚ cleaners‚ a navigator and a captain for when Peter doesn't feel like driving the boat himself. #Peter doesn't notice any of them. the help don't exist to him. Elias‚ however‚ feels their eyes and knows when they think about him #this is a new yacht and those are new employees and they are not Lonely yet. it's a delightful vacation‚ actually #Elias makes sure that Peter and he are heard and that their activities are gossiped about. Peter remains none the wiser #alone (for a certain value of alone) on the ship‚ for a short while‚ they are both content.

[citrinide]

I WANNA MAKE THOSE SILLY PIXEL ART BOUNCE ICONS AGAIN RAH

#cecil.fm #im being afflicted with brainworms #I used to make them all the time in middle school so now im scream ing #the earliest ones i ever made were on... shudders... fnaf amino. it was a cute bonnie and i thonk that got featured idk im too sluggish toda #y to type or remember properly #I. probably have ones for a ship i enjoy that wont be disclosed in a public space ever (no THAT blog doesn't count i am actively hiding it) #And ten the last one i did was an old fursona design which huh yeah i guess I kinda need to work on a new one huh #and also get a better ref done for mae. mascot go brrrrr. im like a professional streamer minus the streaming #<- he wants to make a vtuber model so bad it makeshim look stupid #anyway #yayayaya i wanna make more of those #theyre so fun and easy and honestly fuck it I'd totally do some for friends if they wanted #im really having a nostalgia relapse to my Amino/DeviantArt kid era if you couldn't tell #<- keeps drawing furries ponies and whatever anthropomorphic versions there were of his lps im filled with whimsy rn #is it the autism maybe am i letting it go autopilot on my creative existence rn yes obviously #actually on that anthropomorphising lps part I should like. do that again. #anyway im 100% starting with my ocs (REMEMBERS HE HAS 150+) ... the nonhuman ones #(remembers he has object show ocs) THE FURRIES AND HORSES THEN #that's still a big percent of the list but

[grrrrrrrbarkbarkbark]

MOTHERFUCKER.

#you KNOW im autistic and unless told directly wont do something #so of course i only grabbed my nesscities from the box yoy worded taking the whole box upstairs as a fucking light suggestion #and for your fucking info i did rmember that comversation and went 'oh she probably wanted all of it up here. e #IT WASALREADY FYCKING MIDNIGHT when that thiught fucking processed and i had no reasom to fucking think i wasbeing selfish by leaving it dow #nstairs! and now my brain is fucking screaming at me again to hide in my room for another fucking week and do the bare fucking minimum to #survive but your going to fucking call that 'hiding' and 'not beingable to take critisism' and fucking 'acting like a child' #so i guess im just going to force myself to go numb for the 80th fucking time this month #and try not to get drunk about it because itsgettong to the point were thats the only way i can shut down and still come back up easy enough #vent tw

[makotoscoffee]

had another nightmare about Art the Clown😔

#luckily this one didn't have any confrontation #basically it was sort of like a combination of Halloween and Christmas #and we were prepared for his sort of arrival like when you we had to watch out at some point #the dream took place in our apartment and it was exactly the same except slightly different like a little bit bigger etc #anyways we had lots of family and friends overthe only one actually from real life being my grandmother and my mom #and people are coming to our door because it's like sort of trick or treating or something (including the queens from All Stars 7??) #but we don't answer cuz we're sort of anticipating that Art is coming. and I keep asking my mom like; #should we go to the store while we still have time like should we do something other than wait around #by the time I speak up it's too late and now the dream focuses on just me mom my grandma and a young girl (the other people left i guess) #basically the girl saw a reflection of Art all the way from the garden or something we live on the second for by the way #and our windows face the backyard which is quite big and you can see our downstairs neighbors' porch just below us #so what we do is we go over to the window but we have to be careful that he doesn't see us now we're sort of in Art-survival mode #he's like hyper-aware and if he sees us he'll try to get to us #I take a peek out the window and I see Art looking at himself on a reflective surface. luckily he didn't see me and I hide again #my grandma asks what's going on and I tell her just don't let him see you. and then I remember that the door to the apartment is unlocked #in the dream our door was basically useless because there was a huge like hole next to it like a window with no glass #but I lock the door anyway and it makes the tiniest little sound #and in my mind I can see Art walking out of the garden and coming towards the house. The end #in my other nightmares he's fucking chasing me with a hammer and shit

[the-cooler-king]

oh, don't you just feel stupid the more you describe it?

The more you think about it and the more you give it weight, the more it makes you sink. Are these the chains I struggle against, tight against the flesh (I don't care about the flesh - it'll tear - it isn't flesh that I'm worried about) and they're the same ones I put there myself. I'm sick and I'm angry and I wonder when it'll be different, and it feels so stupid to try to explain that to someone else. I can't give you an answer. I'm talking in riddles because that's how it feels - like a maze that goes on and on. Like being stuck in that stairway and hearing zettai unmei mokushiroku. And I wonder how hard I'm trying to be better - actually trying, and actually being better. What can I do to be different- change my setting, and will I still freeze? Will I be overwhelmed - will I like it this time? I'm not afraid, not for a second. I'm more confident now that my issue really is the setting than anything. I'm not as concerned about how I look, I'm only concerned with how good he feels. Not in a "make him happy" kind of way, but in the "I want him to want it so bad" kind of way. I don't want him to feel rejected by this, but I feel so bad that I'm still not making more progress on this for myself. I'm struggling with justifying a lot of things to myself. I know he would say it doesn't matter, that it's fine and we can deal with it together. I know. But I want to understand it and I want to be able to *be normal* about it. I couldn't even get the words out, I had to go through the story. It's hard to describe it as such when *you made that choice* even though you knew what would happen. I still haven't figured out who I'm angry with.

#Personal #It went OK. It could've gone better #But it didn't go poorly either. #I got to kiss him as much as I wanted to 😌 #And he even let me hold his hand. It was not a fun story time. I dont think he knew how nervous I was #I like to think I hide it really well. I usually do #Ugh. I feel like I ate a pound of cardboard again #Time to curl up. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself I think. I'm not sad I'm just annoyed @ me #I wish it was easier to convey how I feel to him. It's very hard for me to understand it myself but #It wasn't an issue I thought I'd need to deal with (thought it was dealt with already) #Guess what it's not!!! I think I got my most important points across though #Which made it easier. He makes me want to be better for both of us #How he deals with this over the next few weeks will be interesting. I sure hope he still talks to me lmao

[stromblessed]

Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows

In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.

If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.

So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.

I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?

However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.

Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)

And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.

Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.

It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.

Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?

While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:

She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.

You see where I'm going with this.

When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:

And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD

When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.

MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS

No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.

And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:

Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!

The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.

And, uh

Yeah.

I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.

But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.

Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:

But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.

There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.

After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:

"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.

Kind of like another bird in this show:

#blue eye samurai #mizu #akemi #kinuyo #bes #women are birds okay they are BIRDS #the let me die line is so SCARY AND SAD like a part of Mizu wants death but she cant? she doesnt know how?? excuse you show??? #when all these other delicate birds are dying all around her #akemis character gets more and more gutwrenching upon subsequent rewatches because whenever she says her life is in danger #NO ONE BELIEVES HER - certainly not other women #because shes rich and pampered and that means shes safe and is worrying about nothing right? right????? #and it turns out that all of akemis instincts were right and she was in danger the ENTIRE TIME #also I need to make a post just for kinuyo because I am sad

[dadbots]

OCTOBER!!! (So getting spooky this month).

#dadbots.txt #almost the end of the year… we’re so close. #didn’t update last month so I guess we’re starting it off on the first day. which honestly not much happened. #maybe I should take that as a good thing considering I was going through a rough patch. but more so just. #shrugs. another one of those months where I forgot what even went on. #although I did manage to beat hades 2x in one day on the FIRST of September. and then again later. #that’s a huge accomplishment as I’m not very good at gaming lol I won’t lie or hide it. It made me really happy. :) #and things might change as I started opening up about some things with people in my life and getting some help with that. #we’ll see how that goes. but that’s really all I can say as far as remembering. #still having trouble getting any rest without waking up 3 times through the night and my knees are starting to ache. :/ #wondering if it’s my lack of calcium. something like that. I’ll figure it out soon. #let’s just hope this month will be okay too. fingers crossed 🤞🏽. #🖤🦇