#Whoever Invented This Bitch Was A Genius
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I talk dirty to my vacuum cleaner all the time. Yes baby, mop it good, yesss that’s the spot. He’s the most sexiest beast ever. You encourage him, he does a fantastic job. Yes I’m insane. God I love you robotic cleaner.
#Yes I’m Crazy#Whoever Invented This Bitch Was A Genius#I’m Ocd With My Floors#Best Thing I’ve Ever Gotten#Keep On Cleaning Baby#While Sit Here And Blog
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Someone came in looking for makeup wipes, and i helped him pick a few for his wife. Then as he’s checking out he tells me the real reason he needs them is his wife is in the hospital and is using them for quick sponge-bath wipes.
Bro your locally depressed spoonie who hasn’t showered in [redacted] days has got you. Let’s get her some burts bees towelettes. They’re a game changer.
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Assorted Muyskerm Starters
“I don’t want any of whatever you’re talking about.”
“Where am you?”
“It’s fine, I’m fine. This is fine!”
“Oh, hey look. A guy.”
“Please stop calling me chungle!”
“Three guys were kicking this asshole.”
“That’s really easy to do! You do it all the time!”
“The bit was that we were gonna NOT do that.”
“What’s happening?! Why is that happening?!”
“We wanna do explosions or nah?”
“Ah! I’m closing the door! I changed my mind!”
“What are we supposed to do about the floor zombie?!”
“OH GOD, HE’S COMING INSIDE”
“Man, you guys suck at Uno.”
“Oh wow. Oh no. Woe is you.”
“Yes continue to expound on your wealth of knowledge.”
“I don't have anything, man. I’m dried up!”
“You have to say actually nice things not passive aggressive nice things.”
“I don't know what this means but I'm excited!”
“YOU RIGHT!!”
“If I’m just annoying enough you’ll just let me do it?”
“I’ll give you all my money for Boardwalk.”
“I’m 100% confident that this strategy works.”
“The little symbols confuse me!”
“I will trade you three Railroads for Boardwalk.”
“Thank you for minimizing the price I had to pay on that.”
“Jail’s kinda the place to chill right now.”
“You were a moderately bad sport pretty much the entire time.”
“I’m losing my optimism already.”
“I am sorry.... That your stupid naming system offended me.”
“I bet we HAVE to fight him at some point.”
“I made that up, it’s not real.”
“It’s a bit. ‘Yes and’ Please. Please.”
“Eat. A. Giant. Pile. Of. Shut the fuck up.”
“You guys playing uno over there?”
“I’ve used all my tricks. I have nothing left.”
“Well?? Give me the money then!”
“Look at that shit. You see that shit. That’s some good shit.”
“Really hard to be low key about that.”
“Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be brooding.”
“It’s not that hard to be a negative piece of shit about something, but this is really, like...”
“If I had to guess I would say that right there might be a problem.”
“Where do I shoot my sniper rifle?”
“I’m in the hole, bitches!”
“You know what? I appreciate you trying so hard to cheer me up. You’re really putting it on. It’s too much!”
“I’ll hide up here and stay alive.”
“Holy sweet Jesus! Look at these Tony Hawk skills!”
“I know you’re not sad, you monster.”
“We’re gonna go stealth, boys.”
“You don’t want the fire to be prepared. You wanna sneak up on the fire.”
“Let me just test something...”
“Make him go to jail. I command it.”
“Arbitrary! It’s all arbitrary!”
“I think the game’s about to start ending...”
“I’ve seen the path. It’s very narrow but I have skinny feet!”
“I am only behind if you measure by who is currently winning!"
“Oh, friend, you came to visit me! Do you have any food?”
“You’re out in the real world now, mother fucker!”
“Oh how sweet it tastes. Oh how the tables have indeed turned!”
“So, what? Do we yell and run at it?”
“I wish I had poor people!”
“LIGHTS OFF! LIGHTS OFF! LIGHTS OFF!”
“Are we safe or what now??”
“if you keep killing it, eventually it’ll reincarnate into an acceptable form.”
“I could just stand here with my hammer and go ‘STAY OUT. YOU CAN’T COME IN’.”
“As many as five. Or more! Who knows? Sources can be inaccurate.”
“I just heard screams in the distance. Always good.”
“You’re stupid and stinky and bad at games!”
“That’s definitely true. We should trust [Name]’s judgement on this one.”
“What do we mean ‘let them sleep’? Stab them while they sleep.”
“We all look really excited to go ghost hunting.”
“It’s heckin’ windy out here, boys.”
“Did you get my cup messages?”
“I know ghosts, and that was basically a mating call for ghosts.”
“This is the weirdest ghost. I’ve never had one act like this before.”
“Oh, hey! I’m beautiful, what’s up?”
“Go for it. Fight each other.”
“We should go in the hole! They’re coming!”
“Hey, guys, I think we have a visitor at home?”
“Whoever built these stairs sucks a big ass.”
“I’m not saying it was me or not me but...”
“Oooh. Buttery smooth! As if it was invented by some kind of genius person.”
“Nine days later and the engineering project to build one small bridge from one side of one narrow river to the other is finally complete!”
“Dude, house boat! I have a new dream!”
“I can’t believe we couldn’t just run it over.”
“IT’S MY BIRTHDAAAYY”
#An assorted collection of starters from the funniest person in the markiplier cinematic univeerse#sentence starters#would have more but... this was getting long
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How to fix Lena in season 4: Instead of having her trying to give powers through experimentation. Have her be inventing technology that would make alien strength irrelevant in the job market. But then someone steals some and weaponizes it. There, Lena looks like she cares about the common man, doesn't experiment on (and murder) a human, and has a personal stake in stopping whoever stole and repurposed her harmless tech.
How to fix Lena in s4: she fully grasps what she is doing, how her illegal experiment is going to change the whole world and all rules and decides she can't play the god. She, for once behaves like the real GENIUS, and foreseen the consequences of her actions and gets how horrible the experiment can and probably will end. She destroys the results of her experiments and never comes back to them. And then, instead of money thrirsty bitch, she actually helps her contractors.
The miracle would be her admitting to comitting a crime, killing Adam and paying for it aka going to jail and losing her money.
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Exploration No. 5 || Cornny [NYC; September, 1999]
McKala’s BDRP WriMo #27: Flashback thread
[here]
@mrrcbinson
tw: past instance of sexual harassment discussed in the first paragraph
The first time Franny met him was in February of 1999. She was working an event full of snobby rich people at a private club hosted by a member of said club when an older man attending thought her uniform meant that not only the plate of hors d'oeuvres she was passing, but her body, was up for grabs. Namely, her ass.
Franny’s Mak didn’t raise her to take bullshit from men, especially rich white men, so she threw her plate down on the ground, the sound of it shattering catching much of the room’s attention. Unfortunately for her job, their attention held when she shouted;
“Is your wife here? Does she know you grab nineteen year old girls’ asses. Apologize. Apologize right now!”
Franny, needless to say, was promptly fired.
As she waited by the bus stop, a young man approached her but at a respectable distance, which she supposed she was a little thankful for. He asked if she needed a ride home and Franny saw right through his concerned Samaritan act and called him on it.
“I’m not stupid, I know what happens when young girls get into cars with strange men. Try some other stupid bitch.”
The second time she saw him, in April of 1999, he was a guest at a wedding she was once again working, but this time as the singer in the band hired for the event. From the looks of it, his father must be either the boss or coworker of the groom. During a brief water break, Franny heard a snippet of their conversation and it seemed like a work connection.
The young man seemed much more into her than the blonde he was supposedly supposed to be with; he kept wandering by the tip jar and slipping money in. Then again, the blonde seemed more interested in other men than him, and Franny wondered what was going on there.
As they were packing up, he walked by to put one more twenty in the tip jar. Franny turned to him with a smirk and took it out of his hand and said;
“You know that’s not gonna make me go home with you, right? But thanks for the tuition money.”
She stuffed the twenty in her bra.
The young man’s eyes popped wide open and for a moment Franny almost bought his innocent act.
“I- that wasn’t what - I- you just have a nice voice, I mean.”
“Thanks. I’m sure it wasn’t. Have a good night.”
Franny was actually sure that sleeping with her was exactly why he was tipping them to much, but she wasn’t trying to piss off a guy with money tonight.
*~*~*~*
The third time she met him, it was her sophomore year at NYU, September of 1999. Franny, once again, was working an event. This time it was for her university. Some young genius robot technology whatever guy was doing a talk, all the engineering guys were jizzing their pants over this dude.
Whoever the fuck he was.
Imagine Franny’s surprise when the young rich guy she’d all but forgotten about walks out after an engineering department professor called him out. The squeak in her throat would have been audible if not for the polite applause of the nerds.
Cornelius Robinson was his name. Ugh, of course it was something snobby like that.
During the talk, Franny slipped by the table with the event programs to peak at his bio. New Zealand. Adopted. Graduated from MIT as a teenager. Super genius apparently. Advocate for adopting children in foster care...aw, sweet.
What, no. Adopted rich kids were still stupid rich--
Oh? Robinson Industries was a small company until some of is inventions took off? Huh.
After the event Cornelius Robinson stuck around to interact with some of the engineering students and answer questions in a less formal format. He seemed socially awkward as ever but more comfortable around fellow nerds, Franny noticed, as she got to cleaning up the refreshments table.
She was carrying a bunch of water bottles when she made a quarter turn too fast and bumped right into Cornelius fucking Robinson. Her breath caught for two reasons. 1. Oops. 2. He was kind of cute, and in fact, had always been, she just hated him on account of his tax bracket until now. Cold water from the melted ice in the bucket of water bottles splashed all over her clothes but she was too embarrassed to notice that.
“You-!” They said in unison, and Cornelius took a half step back.
Ah, so he recognized her. Yikes.
“Wait, give me one second. Stay right there.” Franny said.
She scurried off to set down the bucket of waters and then found Cornelius Robinson standing where she’d told him to. “This is the third time we’ve run into each other. Either you’re stalking me, or this is a sign from the universe I should actually talk to you and not be a bitch. So, in the spirit of not being a bitch, hi. I’m Franny.”
She offered her hand for a very polite, very business-like handshake.
“Great...are you hungry?”
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New Members
I see...so that is the situation...
I’m glad you’re so quick to understand. I admire people like you.
Thank you sir.
Sorry if this may seems like a hassle, but would you care to explain this to Tenko too when she awakes?
Well, we kind of have to...
Well, if we’re gonna start throwing questions, then let me start.
How are you three here? You’re all supposed to be dead.
To be honest, I don’t really understand the nature of the situation myself. All I remember is waking up in that strange lab and then escaping with Miu and Tenko. Eventually, we sought refuge in that abandoned house, and stayed there for a few weeks. Tenko fell dreadfully ill after we escaped, so I had to nurse her with whatever I could find in that time.
Back up a second. A lab?
The last thing I remember is reaching the top of a very long, death trap. And then falling...
When I awoke, I was in some sort of laboratory...I’d just left some sort of cryostasis pod.
I don’t know how I got out, but I figured there had been a malfunction with the machines that were keeping me in there, and I began to thaw.
Cryostasis Pod? Like those on Space Shuttles?
Yes, like those.
I saw that there were another 6 pods around me, and instinctively, I began to deactivate them.
The first pod I opened was Miu’s and she came tumbling out of it. I lent her a blanket I carry around with me, and then I did the same for Tenko’s pod.
However, that’s when those things showed up...
”Those things?”
...
Exisals...
What!? The Exisals!?
If I remember correctly, the Exisal robots were the mech’s the Monokuma Cubs used to keep you in check, right?
They weren’t the same exisals that the Monokubs used, but they looked almost the same. As soon as they saw us, I imagined they tried to put us back in the pods.
However...Tenko fought back against them and tried to protect us. She even managed to destroy a few of them.
She destroyed them?
Maybe the Exisals weren’t as powerful as Monokuma told us they were? We wouldn’t want to risk it, would we?
Guess not...
Anyway, during the fight, Tenko got wounded. Badly. The Exisal practically cut open her abdomen.
I grabbed her body and Miu and myself made a run for it. I ripped off a piece of my skirt to use as a bandage, to stop Tenko’s bleeding.
We were luckily able to escape the area with our lives, and Miu found us a place to hide out for a while. Unfortunately, Tenko’s wound got infected, and we were unable to go to a hospital in fear of whoever was controlling the exisals finding us.
That house had several scraps in it, so Miu’s been keeping busy with her inventions, but...we didn’t know how long you would be able to last.
Well, fear no more. We can help you out?
This is kind of different from the way you were acting around Shuichi and his friends, right?
Saihara, Harukawa and Yumeno have proven that they can be trusted, that much I will admit to. However...there is one thing I want to clear up...
Tojo. You told us your last memory was falling from a death trap...Death Trap meaning...?
Y-You...!?
...
Kirumi...was executed for the murder of our friend and classmate, Ryoma Hoshi...
Yes, it is just as he said...
However...while I can never truly atone for my actions...I wish to...So I ask you this?
Shuichi, Maki and Himiko all now work with you in the Future Foundation, correct? Do you have space for...say...3 more? If you reject me because of what happened, then I will not fault you...
But I sincerely owe you for taking such good care of Tenko.
Byakuya? Makoto?
I have no objections. If she can make a cup of tea as good as this, then I don’t see the problem.
Besides, almost everyone around here has taken a life or more, and are spending the rest of their lives trying to atone for those actions. You are not alone.
I don’t object either, but...This seems a little short notice.
Indeed. For now, we’ll provide you a place to stay. Sorry if this irritates you, but would you mind moving in with your friend Miu?
I don’t mind. I have pretty high tolerance levels. Tenko I presume will be staying the night here?
We won’t leave her side, no matter what.
Thank you so very much...
So...we all good?
Yeah, for now. The Future Foundation have accepted you.
Kirumi spoke quite highly of you actually.
She better have! My golden brain deserves recognition!
...Miu...Can I ask something?
What is it?
The lab that Kirumi said you three ran away from...the one where Tenko got hurt...Where was it?
Oh well...
*Miu describes the location of the base.
How’s that for some whoopass memory!
...
Shuichi?
...
Why did you ask that...? You aren’t seriously thinking...?
Kirumi said that there were another 6 pods. If two of those pods had Miu and Tenko in them, then that could mean...
...That the others...
Are probably still alive. It’s a possibility, but I want to be sure of it...
But wait, how? It’s not like you can just go back there, right? The exisals’ll rip you to shreds!
And there’s no way Kyoko will let you go without permission or backup.
I know...
which is why I don’t plan on asking...
!!!??
No! You can’t just go in secret! And not by yourself either!
Yeah, are you fucking crazy!? If Tenko barely escaped with her life, then you ain’t got shit on them!
He’s not going alone...
Himiko?
I...I’m going with you Shuichi!
You guys really DID lose it after you got out of that killing game and shit...
Himiko, if Shuichi won’t stand a chance, then you sure won’t! Even if you say you’ll use your magic, it’s-
I don’t care!
...!
Those...those BASTARDS hurt Tenko...I...
I’ll never forgive them for that! Never!
Himiko...
I know I can’t do any real fighting, but we’re not there to start a fight, are we?
We’re there to rescue our friends!
...
Maki...Kaito might be there you know?
...
I...I don’t know what you want of me...but...
I can’t let you idiots go alone...I’ll come.
Thank you.
I suppose you want me in on this too?
Actually Miu, you’re a necessity.
Your inventions will be needed if we’re going to plan an infiltration...
Wow...Day one of being here and I’m already breaking the goddamn rules...
So...it’s a yes?
Well, on one hand, I’m against this batshit crazy idea...
But if you bring my genius inventions into it, then it ain’t so crazy anymore!
You son of a bitch, I’m in!
(I knew that’d work...!)
#danganronpa survivor#danganronpa#danganronpa 1#dr1#danganronpa v3#drv3#shuichi saihara#miu iruma#maki harukawa#himiko yumeno#kirumi tojo#byakuya togami#kyoko kirigiri#makoto naegi#deadly harmony arc
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I Fucking Hate Brunch. The world will be a better place if I could convince you to feel the same way.
All you upper middle class Jeep driving girls can go ahead and put your gun back in its holster because I know you’re feeling attacked by this post right off the bat. I want you to read the argument I’m about to present to you with a clear head because if everything goes as planned, I’m about to rock your shit with how valid my opinion is on this subject, and I want you to be in a good headspace to take all of this in.
Ah brunch, a genius concept at first glance. A perfectly plated visual masterpiece, one filter away from landing on your insta story, delivered to you at a time that acknowledges and accepts your constitutional right to suck down a tanker truck full of alcohol the night before. No more pulling up to a greasy diner in your friends sweatpants for some scrambled eggs. Every classy restaurant in town is now opening their doors at 11 AM so you and your friends can get drunk before noon in a place that had the funds to pay an interior designer.
Well you know what else looked like a genius concept at first glance? Mortgage backed securities baby! And those suckers single handedly butt fucked the entire economy when you were like eight. I’m not saying that is in the cards with brunch, but I’m also not saying it’s not.
I’m actually an expert on this subject, as I have brunched it up in seven different countries and served this beloved meal at three different restaurants. And yeah, I know chomping down those pancakes in the upper righthand corner of this picture makes me a hypocrite, but the title of this post isn’t “I fucking hate hypocrisy”, is it?
(you might have to click the title to keep reading. I’m not about to relearn html to fix this)
Diner Perspective
As a diner, I know that the brunch is a classic case of “expectation vs. reality”. You wake up at like noon. Try desperately to make something cute out of your dry skin, smudged eyeliner and greasy hair from the night before. You fail miserably. Then you put on some clothes that typically reside in that rarely touched “darty-wear” section of your closet. When you pull up and sit down at the restaurant, you can’t help but feeling a little bit ridiculous. The waitress is sitting there wearing an apron and nonslip shoes and you are wearing giant star earings. There are like, old people scattered throughout the place as well. Their faces makes it pretty clear that your footwear choice of wedges was in fact, not super appropriate. Once you sit down, you realize how fucking thirsty you are. You start taking down glasses of water at an embarrassing speed and feel kind of bad that your waitress has filled your glass three times before you have even ordered.
Oh yeah ordering. You were so busy rehydrating your kidneys that you have no idea what you want when the waitress comes back to the table the third time so you order something stupid and kinda out of your price range. Either that, or your eyes are way bigger than your stomach and before you know it there are 5 plates and three drinks sitting in front of you. Whoever drank the least the night before whips out the classic “so ladies are we drinking” and now, thanks to that bitch, you have a mimosa on your bill too.
You eat a solid two-thirds of your food and suck down all of your drinks. You and your friends do a baseline rehash of the night and realize that you have little left to talk about. Because you like, already talked about it last night. Meanwhile, your hangover is hitting its peak and you would really rather go to the bathroom and pull trig than take another bite of eggs benny but shit! You can’t. Because of the judgy old people. You sit there and dream of when you can go the fuck home and lay down after this.
Oh here comes the best part! The bill! Thirty five fucking dollars you have to be joking. I could buy an eighth for that much. I sure as hell would get more use out of it. And I have to tip this waitress! it’s not like she turned on the ol’ razzle dazzle or anything. She literally just asked what we wanted and brought it to the table. Fuck this shit. “How much are you guys tipping? $5? Cool me too.”
Server Perspective
How the fuck is it already 9 AM. I feel like I slept for five minutes. Probably because I want to sleep at 5 AM. I can’t believe I have to work this fucking shift. I literally texted every single other server before I went out last night asking for a cover and no one responded. I worked thirteen hours yesterday with no break. I’m not even sure this is legal. Do I need this job? One of my friends made a lot of money as like a cam girl. Maybe I could do that. I’ve got pretty nice boobs. Wait no people might look me up and see them when I’m applying to grad school. Okay I’m getting up.
Good thing I’m still wearing my makeup from the night before bc I’m not trying to sit here and beat my face right now. Shit my uniform is literally disgusting from sweating for thirteen hours yesterday. Dryer sheet and a 10 minute run in the dryer and she’ll be good to go. Hair...going in a top knot. Alright lets take some Advil and get this bread.
“You know you’re late, right?” “Yeah I’m really sorry I forgot my apron and had to run home and grab it”. Fuck off idiot. I may be late but at least I graduated high school. Holy shit why has no on done any side work? I’m literally going to be sitting here making coffee, syrups, ketchups, toast, sweet tea, lemons and place settings for the next hour to make all of $2.13.
Oh yes the first customer is here. It’s the boy I made out with at DKE freshman year and his entire extended family. And they’re sitting in my section. Can’t wait for his grandparents and dad to emotionally abuse me while his mom insists on making six to eight substitutions to whatever she orders. The chef is going to literally throw hot grease in my face when I put in this complicated order. If you could even call him a chef. He’s just one of the line cooks that gets screwed into making omelets and microwaving food from the night before every Saturday and Sunday morning, as if it’s some kind of promotion. I need to get these rich people drunk or there is no way they are tipping me shit. Read them the brunch drink specials. Make sure to lock eyes with the women when you are describing our specialty mimosas. Phew they ordered $150 worth of drinks. That’ll be enough money to justify half-assing the rest of this shift until I can go home and smoke a bowl to forget what I just went through. Oh the white girls at table 46 only tipped me $5 a piece? Shocking. Could give a damn.
If you did not relate to this post whatsoever and are still clinging to your fantasies of brunch being “like the best meal ever invented”, you my friend, are too far gone. There is no way a working class girl like me had any chance of getting through to you in the first place. I sincerely apologize for wasting your time. For the rest of you, I hope we all learned something today. And that the next time the topic of brunch comes up in the group-chat, you will make the noble suggestion that we just cook the cinnamon rolls in the fridge.
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Misery Loves Company Part 2
Chapter Twenty-Two:
The One With Screams in the Dark
Violet and Klaus sailed silently for a few moments. Both children trying their hardest not to look back down. They both could not believe what they found at the bottom of the ersatz elevator of 667 Dark Avenue. Even though their ride down was much, much slower, the ride up the elevator shaft seemed to take a sickeningly long time. Violet and Klaus were extremely anxious about getting back to the penthouse in hopes of finding tools that Violet could use to rescue Sunny and the Quagmires.
It didn’t take long until Violet couldn’t stand the silence. Violet turned to Klaus who was looking around worriedly. “Let’s hope we make it to the top before the Squalors and Olaf get home,”
Klaus was too busy to answer her. He gave a slight nod of his head as his face scrunched up. He looked around confused. “Do you smell smoke?” He asked his eyes widening.
Violet looked at him with concern and then confusion. “Smoke?” she repeated and then her eyes gazed up at her hot air balloon. “Oh fuck,” she muttered. “Th-the handkerchief! The fabric is burning.” She glanced at the spyglass in her hands. “The heat of the spyglass is too intense,”
Klaus looked up at the fabric. Not even turning to face Violet. “Wh-what do we do?” he asked nervously.
“I-I need to moderate the temperature,” Violet explained as Klaus focused on her, offering her a rather confused expression. “It has to be hot enough to rise but not so hot that it burns,” she explained to him.
He gasped. “That sounds like a very specific amount of heat,” he said worriedly.
Violet sighed. “H-how far from the top are we?” she asked.
Klaus looked at her worriedly and then glanced up at the burning fabric. “Not close enough,” he cried.
Violet looked up and took a deep breath. “How high up from the ground are we?”
Both children could hear the flames on the fabric, Klaus closed his eyes and grimaced before he turned to glance outside of the basket. He stood back up to face Violet. He didn’t have to say anything, his expression was enough to tell Violet exactly what she needed to know. His facial expression went back to one of fear, panic, and worry. The way he looked at her, as if ready for the inevitable, nearly killed her. She glanced up at the fabric and then looked at her brother.
“I’m going to fix this.” She promised. Both siblings turned their attention to the fabric as Violet sighed, turning towards spyglass and turning one of the dials. Klaus looked around worriedly, confused as to where the light from the spyglass had gone. Both children gasped as they could feel for a second their hot air balloon stop. As if it were floating in mid-air with the help of whatever happy thoughts either child had left and some pixie dust. Almost like clockwork, the children could feel their stomachs flip as their hot air balloon began to freefall back down the ersatz elevator shaft.
Violet held on to spyglass as she listened to the screams of her younger brother. His screams echoed off the small, enclosed walls of the elevator shaft which increased the sound full force. “Come on,” she whispered as she turned the dials after counting for several seconds. Klaus continued to scream as Violet turned the dials again. “If I turn it on and off, it might stabilize,” she explained although she wouldn’t be surprised if he couldn’t hear her over his screams. Finally, Violet and Klaus could see the light from the spyglass again and the hot air balloon stopped freefalling and slowly began to rise. Klaus stopped screaming but not after his voice cracked a few times, which caused Violet to laugh. Klaus looked up and then around.
“What the fuck was that?!” he asked, his voice hoarse from his screaming.
“Get used to it,” she informed him. His eyes widened.
“Don’t you dare,” he warned as she smirked at him turning the spyglass off again and allowing them to fall for another few seconds. His screams, once again, echoed, bouncing off the walls. When she turned the spyglass on again, she glared at him.
“Stop that!” she yelled. “Not only are you giving me a migraine, but you’re also going to worry Sunny and the Quagmires. They’re going to think you’re dying,”
He glared back at her. “ I am dying!” He argued, hissing at her with his hoarse voice.
“Just think of it as an amusement park ride,”
“Yeah, one I’d never get on!”
With that, Violet turned off the spyglass again. With the same result, waiting a few more seconds just to mess with Klaus. “I swear to God, I wish I had a third hand. I’d hold your mouth shut!”
“Stop doing it!”
“Listen to me, I have to. It’s the only way we’re going to make it,”
“I don’t know how us freefalling for several seconds,” he said as she turned it off again. When she turned it back on again. “Is helping us get closer to the top!” he hissed.
“Trust me,” she said rolling her eyes. “Now listen, when we get back up there, I’m going to search for tools to help me break open that cage. You are going to find something new for my invention,” she said referring to the handkerchief. “We’ll meet up like last time,”
Klaus nodded as he smiled. He could see the top. The light from the penthouse walkway. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right,” he said. “It’s working,”
Violet smiled as she dulled the spyglass instead of turning it off. “I knew it would,”
“You’re a genius,” Klaus replied.
“If we maintain a consistent heat level,” she explained. “We should make it,”
Klaus laughed. “Thank God. You know for a second there I thought we…” he began as both kids heard an explosion from above them. The fluttering sound of their basket falling to the ground landing with a harsh THUD! Echoed through the shaft, deafening the children, who were holding on to the edge of the elevator doors’ entryway for dear life. Violet and Klaus grunted as Violet began to hoist herself up. She pulled herself and her backpack up, throwing it across the room toward the Squalors’ front door. Klaus was trying to hoist himself up but he nearly slipped.
She turned around and grabbed his hand quickly. “Klaus!” she yelled as she pulled him out of the elevator shaft.
“Really love how you saved your backpack before me,” Klaus said jokingly.
“You’re going to regret dissing the backpack,” she replied. “Just you wait,”
“Is that a threat or a promise?” he asked laughing.
“ Both if you’re not careful,” she replied glaring at him jokingly. “Asshole,”
“Bitch,”
They both stood up laughing. Noticing the ash and dirt there were now plastered all over their pinstripe suits. Violet began to tie up her hair as she glanced down the shaft that had devoured her invention whole. “Okay, so change of plans,” she said. “I’m going to go around the penthouse and look for either some rope or material for a new invention while I do that I’m going to try to locate the circular saw I saw during my tour of the penthouse. We can use it to cut the bars,” she explained.
“What can I do?” Klaus asked.
“You can...,” she began. She stopped talking as both siblings could hear footsteps approaching. High-heeled footsteps. Violet and Klaus looked worriedly at one another. “You can distract the Squalors,” she said. “And Olaf,”
“He can’t know we’ve found them,” Klaus whimpered.
“Exactly. I’m going to need you to distract whoever it is coming up the stairs,” she directed as she ran toward the penthouse grabbing her backpack on the way. “Remember stay near the Squalors and he can’t hurt you.”
“Vi!” he called out as he could hear the footsteps coming closer and closer.
“You got this! I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat, but you’re not the inventor,” she called back as she disappeared into the penthouse.
Klaus widened his eyes when he realized that he and Violet had foolishly left the elevator doors open. Shit! He thought to himself. He can’t know that we found them! He quickly pushed the elevator doors and watched as they closed agonizingly slow as the high-heeled footsteps continued to get agonizingly louder. The exact moment the doors closed, Esme rounded the corner, dragging Jerome unconscious.
Esme and Klaus screamed in surprise. Esme looking at the young boy suspiciously. He looked at her just as suspiciously. “Jerome!” he yelled. “What happened to him?”
Esme smiled. But the smile didn’t sit right with Klaus, he shuddered. “Nothing to worry about, darling,” she replied patting him on the head as if he was a puppy. “He just collapsed in the middle of dinner,”
“Collapsed?”
“Fell sound asleep,” Esme explained. “You know how it is when you party too much,”
“Not really,”
“Well, you might one day,” she responded. “Now, what are you doing outside the penthouse and why are your clothes covered in ash?”
Klaus looked at her and didn’t know how to respond. “Um, I’m very tired,” he lied. “Can I be excused to go to bed?” he asked.
Esme looked at him suspiciously again. “I guess you should be asleep,” she said. “It’s whatever time it is,”
“Where’s Gunther?” he asked when he finally realized that the only people who had come back to the penthouse were the Squalors.
“Who?” Esme asked confused. “Oh, him. No, no,” she said. She ushered him to follow her into the penthouse as she continued to drag Jerome. Klaus sighed in relief once Esme had sat down in one of the first rooms of her penthouse. “Where’s the girl orphan?” she asked. “Violet? That's her name, correct?”
“Y-yeah and I don’t know,”
Esme glared at him. “I think you’re lying,” she said.
____________________________________________________
It wasn’t long after Violet and Klaus’ departure that Olaf still dressed in his Gunther disguise entered the tiny ersatz dungeon with his henchmen following behind him. Duncan, Isadora, and Sunny all jumped in surprise as they stole secret glances up, hoping that Violet and Klaus were high enough to where Olaf wouldn’t notice them. The room was dark and as Olaf’s henchmen began lighting the candles offering their boss light, he didn’t seem to notice the very faint, distant light that came from above.
“It’s almost time, orphans,” Olaf informed them smiling. Holding his cane out towards them. “We can do this the easy way or the fun way. I’m being kind enough and letting you choose but don’t take my kindness for granted. I can always take that privilege away and I can choose.” he began to unlock the cage as the orphans moved back. Duncan picked up Sunny while Isadora held an arm out in front of her brother. Sunny grabbed onto Isadora’s hand. “ And we all know what I would choose,” He hissed darkly.
He glanced at the children for an uncomfortably long time. “Something’s different,” he muttered. All three children could feel their hearts sink in their chest as Olaf’s shiny eyes fixated on Isadora’s black hair ribbon that was still neatly tied into her hair. Isadora noticed his gaze and had to fight the urge to rip the ribbon from her hair and hide it. Maybe he’s not looking at the ribbon. She thought.
He grasped the lock as he unclasped it. Handing it to his bald henchperson. “What’s in your hair?” he asked Isadora.
She turned her gaze from him. He opened the cage door slowly, the creaking shrieks it made hurt the orphans’ ears. He took a step inside the cage, closing the door slightly behind him. Turning around to make sure at least two of his henchpeople were blocking the door so no orphan can escape. He crept closer to Isadora. Duncan shoved Sunny into Isadora’s arms, pushing them behind him.
“Where did you get that hair ribbon?” he asked as he took another step towards the trembling children.
“Maybe she always had it?” The Hook-Handed Man suggested from outside the cage. Olaf turned his head angrily.
“I know she didn’t have it. This is the exact ribbon I had confiscated when I first laid my hands on her back at that wretched school,” he yelled finally reaching the kids. Duncan did his best to hide his fear although Olaf knew better. He leaned into Duncan’s face. “Get out of my way,” he hissed.
“No,” Duncan said shakily. “I won’t let you harm my sister,”
“I won’t harm her,” Olaf swore. “If she tells me how she obtained this ribbon,” he swiped his hand behind Duncan, reaching Isadora and forcefully yanking the hair ribbon from her hair. Isadora shrieked and began to cry as Sunny’s eyes widened.
“You harmed her!” Duncan yelled raising his fist to Olaf, the man looked back at the orphan boy, causing the boy to stop mid-swing. Duncan felt the icy stare of Olaf freeze him eternally. Olaf noticed the boy’s fist and slowly he gave Duncan a Grinch-like smirk as he swung his own fist into Duncan’s side, with enough force to send him to the ground. Duncan yelped in pain as Olaf stomped on his leg while taking another step closer to Isadora and Sunny.
Olaf’s spider-like hand reached out and grabbed Isadora’s chin, lifting it just enough to force her to look at him. “I’m going to ask you one last time, where did you get this hair ribbon!?” He barked in hers and Sunny’s face. Sunny began to wail from how intimidating Olaf was being. He gripped the black hair ribbon angrily shaking it in front of Isadora’s face with his free hand. Still clutching her chin.
Isadora started to cry, clutching Sunny tight. She shook her head in defiance. “So you do want to do this the fun way, I see,” he hissed into her ear. “Fine with me,”
Isadora began to shake and cry harder. “Just let me put Sunny down,” she pleaded.
Olaf sighed angrily but allowed for Isadora to set Sunny to the ground. The second she stood back up, Olaf wrapped his hand around her neck shoving her against the far wall of the cage. Isadora struggled in his grip. “ You got this ribbon from that Snicket bitch, didn’t you?” He hissed.
She struggled in his grasp. “Wha-what Snicket bitch?” she asked fearfully.
“The same one with a collection of these stupid fucking ribbons!” he hissed. “I’ve explained to you brats time and time again. I only need one of you twins alive to get your sapphires. And I wanted it to be you but I will settle for only one pet,” he barked.
“ We’re triplets!” Duncan yelled as he charged as fast as he could towards Olaf. Due to his weak and frail body and the fact that he was not in the best conditions, he barely caused Olaf to shake. Olaf growled and grabbed Duncan by his throat, too. Lifting both children and pressing them harshly against the wall.
Duncan and Isadora gave Olaf pleading eyes as he glared back at them. “How did she get down here? Where is she now?” he asked them. But neither triplet would offer him an answer. He shook them and watched their pleading eyes begin to water and slightly roll back into their heads. The triplets’ faces both slowly turning a light purple and blue. They looked to Sunny, who was trembling where she stood. She knew what she had to do, but she was so scared. She thought about everything the Quagmires had done for her and her siblings, they were in this predicament because of her. She stood up, took a deep breath, and jumped up as high as she could and bit Olaf’s arm as hard as she could.
The pain from Sunny’s wrath caused him to release his grip on the Quagmires, who both fell to the ground gasping for air. Neither was fast enough to reach her before Olaf could. He swooped her up into his arms, holding her in front of him angrily. “ Why I oughta!” he yelled. Sunny noticed the Hook-Handed Man who had been watching when he first guarded the cage door, now had his body turned and his head slumped down. “ I’m going to get you a fucking muzzle,” Olaf hissed as he looked ready to throw Sunny to the ground. He stopped when he heard a familiar scream.
His eyes widened with surprise. “What the?” he asked as he forgot about his anger towards Sunny and focused more on the noise he could hear.
He looked to his henchpeople. “You hear it, too?” he asked wondering if he was finally going crazy. He dropped Sunny harshly as he walked out of the cage making sure to lock it on his way out. He followed the noise until he stood in the exact location where Violet’s invention had landed when she and Klaus had their reunion with Sunny and the Quagmires. He looked up. “That’s impossible,” he muttered and then looked to his henchpeople. “I am not the only one who hears that right?” he asks again as the noise stops.
“It sounds like the screams of a child,” the bald man noted.
“It sounds like the screams of a little girl,” one of the white-faced women argued.
“It sounds like the screams of Klaus Baudelaire,” the henchperson of Indeterminate Gender countered.
Duncan, Isadora, and Sunny felt chills down their spines as Olaf’s eyes lit up with the intensity of a thousand suns. He smirked wickedly at them and then his henchpeople before looking back up. “That’s because it is the screams of Klaus Baudelaire,” he replied.
“But how?” The Hook-Handed Man asked as the screams once again echoed through the empty walls of the elevator shaft.
Olaf turned to the orphans. “That’s a good question,” he replied. “ How is he flying?”
The three children looked at one another and then back at Olaf. All refusing to answer his question. He glared at the children until finally, Duncan walked towards the front of the cage. “Faith, trust, and pixie dust,” he answered sarcastically. As the villain growled. Isadora and Sunny gave a small laugh at Duncan’s joke as Duncan smiled at them in return.
Olaf turned towards the children. “Laugh now, orphans,” Olaf hissed as he glanced up again. “But soon you and Peter Pan will have something in common,”
Duncan’s eyes widened as Isadora gulped and Sunny gasped.
“ You’ll be forever young, ” He hissed.
He glanced up again, “What the?” he asked as he jumped out of the way just as a basket that was partially burning fell to the ground with a loud THUD! Covering him and his henchpeople in ash. He growled and turned to his henchpeople. “Get these brats ready for the auction. I don’t care what you have to do to get them to cooperate,” he hissed at the bald man and the two white-faced women. He turned to the Hook-Handed Man and the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, “you two get me the biggest net you can find and quick. I need you to set it up there.” He said pointing to the vertical tunnel. “I don’t care how you do it, just do it!”
“What are you going to do, boss?” The Hook-Handed Man asked
Olaf began to walk out of the ersatz dungeon. “I’m going fishing,” he hissed as he disappeared into the darkness.
______________________________________________________________
Violet ran into the Squalors’ penthouse at full speed stopping in every room that she passed that looked like it would contain simple materials to help her. This time she wanted to fashion an ersatz rope. She doubted Esme had a second large basket and she didn’t know what material she could use that wouldn’t easily burn. It might take longer and it might be a bit more difficult but she thought that she and Klaus could climb their way down. There had to be an exit on the bottom of the elevator shaft, how else would Olaf have gotten them and a cage down there. She was sure after she rescued the three kidnapped victims, she, them and Klaus could find out where the secret passageway was. Where it would take them? Who knows.
In each room she entered, she’d grab extension cords and curtains to fashion into a rope. She and Klaus could tie all of these together. She stuffed as many as she could into her backpack. She was just about finished with her search for rope until she entered Jerome and Esme’s bedroom. Immediately she went to the closet looking for any scarves that Esme might own and any neckties that Jerome might own. She was lucky enough to find a whole drawer full of ties. She grabbed twelve of Jerome’s ugliest ties and stuffed them alongside her other supplies into her backpack. As she put her backpack around her, she noticed that it was getting too heavy. But she’d have to manage, just for right now. When she can tie these objects together and fashion them into some kind of rope, her backpack will be light again.
She walked passed Esme’s closet opening it, desperately looking for her scarves. Finally, she was able to find some behind a collection of fur coats. She frowned as she imagined the cruel fates that these animals must have suffered just for Esme to wear the jacket once or not at all if it became out of style before she had a chance to wear them.
Before she could find the circular saw, she accidentally passed by the room with Esme and Klaus.
“Ah!” Esme said. “There you are, darling. I was just talking about you,”
Violet immediately took notice of Jerome. “Oh my God!” she yelled running to Jerome. “Is he okay?”
“Yes, we’re passed that already,” Esme said rolling her eyes. She then noticed that Violet’s pinstripe suit was just as filthy as Klaus. She looked at the children suspiciously. She opened her mouth to confront them but she could hear one of her phones ringing in the parlor. “Now, I wonder who that can be,” she muttered. She looked back to the children, offering them a smile. “Sit, sit,” she said as Violet and Klaus nervously sat on the couch. “I’m going to go answer that real quickly, darlings. I know, I’ll bring you a treat on my way back,” she said as she stood up and walked towards the phone.
Violet and Klaus glanced at one another until she was gone. “What do we do?” Klaus asked.
“I don’t know, I was unable to get the saw. She saw me before I could grab it,”
“You think you can go get it now while she’s on the phone?”
“No, I don’t know how quick she’ll be back,” Violet explained. “Maybe we should tell her,”
“Tell her?” Klaus repeated. “Why? She’d never believe us!”
“You don’t know that,” Violet countered. “We can show her our evidence,”
“What evidence?” Klaus asked.
“I don’t know,” Violet admitted. “But we gotta tell her. She’s rich and powerful. She could help us,”
“I think it’d be a waste of my time,” he explained desperately.
“I think it’s worth a try,” Violet argued.
“Maybe we should tell Jerome,” Klaus suggested.
“Tell Jerome what?” Esme asked.
Violet and Klaus jumped in shock.
“N-nothing,” Klaus explained.
Violet rolled her eyes and began to shake Jerome. “Jerome,” she called out desperately.
Esme looked rather annoyed. She rushed over to the two orphans. “Let him rest. Sleep is natural, like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.”
“We need to tell him something...important,” Klaus explains desperately.
“Tell me,” Esme demanded. “ I’m important,” She glanced at the children with a slightly cold look. She looked into their eyes and allowed the ice to melt slightly. She offered them a small smile. Violet and Klaus looked at one another and then back at Esme but didn’t say a word. Esme frowned as if their silence had hurt her feelings. She sighed. “And you’re important to me,” she admitted as she placed a comforting hand on Violet’s shoulder and another on Klaus’ cheek. Violet just stared at her, not fully believing her while Klaus shuddered under the woman’s touch. He glanced back at her confused.
She sighed. “I know how I must seem, children, like an insanely powerful woman who spends too much time at work and too much money on earrings,” she said pointing at her very expensive earrings. “But I’m also your guardian, and you can tell me anything.” She said sweetly, removing her hands from Klaus’ cheek and Violet’s shoulder. She placed her hands gently on her hips.
“Well, you might not believe us,” Klaus explained.
“Try me,” Esme argued, giving them another smile.
Klaus looked to Violet unsure. Violet nodded her head at Klaus as she began to explain to Esme everything she knew. Esme began Violet’s explanation standing up but as Violet explained in detail everything she could, Esme gave gestures of surprise and shock. She sat down on her couch halfway through. The children believed that the details of Violet’s explanation were making her uncomfortable. As Violet explained the story of Gunther’s true identity, the secret passageway behind the sliding elevator doors, the scheme to smuggle the Quagmires and Sunny out of town, and the fact that he was going to use her In Auction to do so. The two half-siblings were both pleasantly surprised that their guardian had not dismissed their findings, or argued with them about Gunther or the Quagmires and Sunny or anything else but she had quietly and calmly listened to every detail. In fact, Esme was so quiet and calm that it was disconcerting, a word which here means, ‘a warning that Violet and Klaus did not heed in time’.
“This is terrible!” she exclaimed. “Let me make sure I understand. Gunther is actually Olaf in disguise?”
“Yes,” Violet said. “His coots are covering up his tattoo and his monocle makes him scrunch up his face to hide his one eyebrow,”
“And he’s somehow hidden your baby sister and your friends at the bottom of my elevator shaft?” she asked.
“There’s no elevator behind those doors, it’s ersatz,” Klaus explained desperately.
“Gesundheit,” Esme said to Klaus. “And he’s planning to sneak Sunny and the Quagmires out of town at the In Auction by hiding them inside an item in this glossy but classy catalog?”
Violet smiled. “You got it, Esme.”
Esme frowned. “This is the least in thing I have ever heard,” she exclaimed. Jerome snored loudly, causing all three of them to glance over at him. Esme sighed. “This is certainly a complicated plot,” she commented. “I’m surprised two children like yourselves figured it out. Your bravery and smarts are simply remarkable.”
Violet and Klaus smiled at one another in disbelief.
“I need a drink!” Esme cried as she pulled three bottles of parsley soda from behind her. Handing one to Klaus and another to Violet. The children glanced at her confused as she opened her bottle. “It’s parsley soda! The Daily Punctilio says it’s the innest thing since aqueous martinis!”
Violet and Klaus looked at their beverages confused. “Try it,” Esme told them after taking a sip.
“No, thank…” Klaus began.
“ Try it,” She practically demanded.
Violet and Klaus looked worriedly at one another as they opened the green beverages. Each taking a sip of the disgusting soda. They hurriedly took a sip, both sharing a face of disgust.
“What do you think?” Esme asked smiling as she took another sip of hrs.
“It tastes like…” Klaus began, grimacing.
“Shit,” Violet commented setting hers down on the table. Straightening the backpack on her back slightly.
“Isn’t it remarkable,” Esme replied not truly listening to the children. “I taste the same thing,”
“Mrs. Squalor,” Klaus sighed.
“Esme,” she replied.
“Esme,” he began.
“I know what you’re going to say,” Esme said smiling, standing up. “There isn’t time to drink savory beverages. We must end this terrible scheme. We will have Gunther arrested and Sunny and the Quagmires will be set free!” she said excitedly.
Violet and Klaus shared a huge smile.
“There’s no time to waste. We’d better leave right this minute,” Esme said as she began to quickly lead the two orphans out of her penthouse. “We’ve got to tell the police as quickly as possible. Luckily, for us, the nearest police station isn’t far away.” She beckoned to the children to follow her as she led them to the walkway just outside her penthouse’s front door. Violet quickly followed her while Klaus grabbed something off the table holding it close.
Their guardian was right, of course, that they should go to the police and expose Gunther and his terrible, evil scheme, but both children simply couldn’t help wondering why the city’s sixth most important financial advisor was so calm when she said it. The children were so anxious about the Quagmires and Sunny that they felt as if they were jumping out of their skin, bu tEsme led the two children out of the penthouse as if they were going to the grocery store instead of rushing to the police to stop a horrible crime. As she shut the door of the apartment, she turned to smile at the children again. The two half-siblings could see absolutely no sign of anxiousness on her face, and it was disconcerting.
She sighed. “It’s too bad we’ve got to take all those stairs again,” she commented as she stopped walking just before the stairs near the elevator. Violet and Klaus stopped next to her, closer to the elevator doors. Both looked at Esme confused. “Of course, we could slide down the banister,” she suggested smiling. “Which would be quicker, though less dignified,”
“I’m down,” Violet replied trying to walk toward the banister. Esme put one arm around the orphan girl keeping her from moving from where she stood. It was odd to Violet why Esme had stopped her so abruptly.
“ Oh!” She chimed in happily, clapping her hands together as she quickly turned to face the two children. “ I know,”
She reached her arm quickly passed them and used one of her long fingernails to press the Up button next to the sliding doors. Violet and Klaus hadn’t had any time to register where the faint ding! came from. “We’ll take the elevator,” She snarled as the doors slid open, and then with one last wicked smile, she gave each orphan a harsh push of her hands, sending Violet Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire tumbling backward into the darkness of her ersatz elevator shaft.
Sometimes words are not enough. There are some circumstances that are so utterly wretched that I cannot describe them with sentences or paragraphs or even a whole series of detailed reports, and the terror and woe that Violet and Klaus felt after Esme pushed them into the elevator shaft is one of those most dreadful circumstances where I find myself at a loss for words. Because you are as lucky as I am to have never been pushed down an elevator shaft. I have no words for the profound horror the children felt as they tumbled down into the darkness. I can think of no sentence that can convey how loudly both children screamed, or how cold the air was as it whoosh ed around them while they fell. And there is no paragraph I could possibly type that would enable you to imagine how frightened they must have been as they plunged toward certain doom.
In times of dire circumstance, which many people my age have gone through I have to remind myself that whatever distress or heartbreak I might experience, I can take some comfort that I am not, as Violet and Klaus once were falling down an elevator shaft for an interminable amount of time.
As Violet and Klaus plunged to what they assumed to be their doom, they both could feel themselves being engulfed by the darkness and they felt their short lives pass before them. As they fell they could hear the maniacal laughter of Esme Squalor, who stood at the top of the elevator shaft, looking down at them as she held on to the edges tightly to keep herself from falling. She watched the darkness swallow the two orphans whole. She laughed and laughed at the sounds of their terrified screams. But I can tell you that they did not die. Not one hair on their heads had been harmed by the time the children finally stopped tumbling through the darkness. They survived the fall from the top of the shaft for the simple reason that Violet and Klaus never reached the bottom. Something broke their fall. As Violet and Klaus landed with panicky relief into a new with two harsh THUD!s . Violet landed first, the weight of her backpack bringing her down, during the fall she had somehow flipped so she was now destined to fall on her stomach. She crossed her arms in front of her face fearing that she was about to hit the bottom of the shaft face first. Klaus landed on his back, the minute he made impact with the net, he bounced a bit. Both children gripped the net. Violet took off her backpack and rolled on her back looking at the direction of where their wicked guardian was. Still laughing and enjoying herself entirely.
Violet and Klaus realized that their plunge was stopped somewhere between where Sunny and the Quagmires had been locked up and the top of the elevator shaft. They were surprised that they hadn’t been injured during their fall. And at first, that alone felt like a miracle, when the children understood that they were alive and no longer falling. They reached out their hands for each other, gripping each other’s hands tightly. Klaus continued to scream as Violet glared up at Esme with a face that could kill.
She didn’t know how but sometime during her spiel to Esme, Olaf had set up a net for her and Klaus. She glanced around hopelessly.
The thought of this net being a miracle, slowly faded away when the two children realized they were trapped. But it was far better to be trapped then dead, and the two children gripped each other’s hands as tight as they could.
Violet and Klaus panted, their throats sore from screaming, their voices were also very hoarse. Klaus checked his face for his glasses as he panted. “W-we’re okay,” he sighed in relief. “We-we’re okay,” he said happily.
“ What?!” Violet hissed irritated.
“We’re okay!” Klaus cheered in relief. “We landed in a net, Vi!”
Violet looked at him like he was utterly crazy. “ We’re not okay! We’re not half-okay! We’re not even one twenty-seventh okay! Why?! Our baby sister and our friends are still fucking kidnapped! And this crazy psychotic bitch of a guardian just threw us down an elevator shaft!” She screamed. Violet was surprised she had any voice left but she screamed and threw her fists on to the net as if she were a toddler around Sunny’s age throwing a fit over no dessert.
“But…” Klaus reasoned. “ We’re alive. ”
“You are alive, orphans! But I wouldn’t say you were okay,” Esme called down to them from the top of the passageway. Her voice echoed off the walls of the passageway, but the children could still hear every cruel word. “You are definitely not okay! As soon as the auction is over, you and the Quagmires and that little biting brat are going to smuggled out of town! And I can guarantee that you orphans will never be okay again!” she laughed again. “What a wonderful and profitable day! My former acting teacher will finally get his hands on not one, not two, but three enormous fortunes! ”
The children’s stomachs shifted and their hearts sank in their chest as another cruel voice joined Esme’s. Klaus closed his eyes as Olaf’s shrill, devious laugh echoed down the elevator shaft.
“Your former acting coach!?” Violet asked in horror. “You mean you knew Gunther’s true identity the entire time!?” She glared up at Esme, eyes full of hatred.
“Of course, I did!” Esme called down snarkily. “I’m an actress. I was acting!”
Olaf laughed again as he peered down into the darkness at the orphans. His only regret was that he couldn’t see the horror on their faces. “I just had to fool you brats and my dim-witted husband into thinking that I thought he was really an auctioneer. Luckily, for us, I am a smashing actress, so it was easy to trick you, right?” she turned to Olaf, waiting for appraisal and recognition.
“You really are starting to grow as a thespian,” Olaf admitted.
“Darling, we’re dating,” Esme replied confused. “How can I be a… I mean I am bi but I don’t understand what that has to do with my acting skills.”
Olaf facepalmed. “ Thespian, love,” he repeated.
“Oh,” Esme said. “Well, I do love horses.”
He rolled his eyes again. He opened his mouth to elaborate further but was interrupted by the whines of an orphan boy.
“ You are our guardian!” Klaus screamed up. His optimism finally leaked away as he began to realize the real problem with his and Violet’s situation. They might be alive right now...but for how long? “ You’re supposed to keep us safe, not throw us down elevator shafts and working with terrible villains and try to steal our fortunes!” He yelled as Violet breathed in angrily. Wishing that she was up there in front of the two villains and not several stories below them.
Esme and Olaf laughed a cruel laugh. Esme even stomped her shoes on the ground harshly, still holding the edge of the elevator with both hands. This laugh sent chills down Violet and Klaus’ spines. As Esme stopped laughing. “ But I want to steal from you!” She yelled. “ I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole from me!” The wicked woman yelled leaning in as far as she could to make her voice echo even louder.
Violet and Klaus’ eyes widened the moment their mother’s name had been mentioned.
“ What did you say?!” Klaus asked in disbelief.
“Darling, you’re giving them too much info. They have to earn that like the little baby,” Olaf told Esme.
“You’re right. My bad,” Esme replied turning her attention back to the orphans. Her laughter continued. “ You actually thought you were important!” She laughed. “ The only thing you two orphans are worth is your inheritance!” She hissed.
“What are you talking about!?” Violet shouted. “You are already unbelievably wealthy! Why do you want even more money!”
“Because it’s in, of course,” Esme replied. “Revenge is in!” She turned to Olaf. “Your idea of throwing them down there was the best idea you’ve had yet!” she squealed. “It was so much fun to push those brats down there!”
“ But we didn’t do anything to you!” Klaus cried in despair. “ We didn’t do anything to either one of you!”
“Children will pay for the sins of their parents,” Olaf muttered. Only Esme heard him and both villains began laughing again. After a few moments of maniacal laughter, Olaf pointed to his watch indicating to Esme that they were on a tight schedule.
“Well, toodle-oo, orphans!” Esme shouted as Olaf began laughing again. “‘Toodle-oo’ is the in way of saying goodbye to two bratty orphans that no one is ever going to see again,”
“ Why?!” Violet cried. “ Why are you treating us so terribly?” She asked but Esme's answer to this question was the cruelest of all, and like a fall down an elevator shaft, there were no words for her reply. She merely laughed, a loud rude cackle that bounced off the walls of the elevator shaft and then faded into silence. Olaf motioned for Esme to move out of his way real fast.
Olaf glanced down taking Esme’s place. “It’s a shame I can’t see that scared pretty little face of yours, Miss Snicket,” he called down. “But don’t worry I’ll be back for your precious orphan skin and the bookworm’s blood later. I have a decision to make on which twin to keep,”
“You sick fuck!” Violet yelled as Olaf merely laughed.
“Oh, and Klaus,” Olaf called down. Klaus waited to hear what cruel words Olaf was going to say but Olaf stayed silent waiting for a response from his twelve-year-old enemy.
“Y-yeah,” Klaus called out after a moment.
“I was going to be the kind man that I am and let you have a small reunion with your sister before slaughtering you, but I see you’ve already had that small reunion. I sincerely hope that you made it worthwhile,” Olaf called down cruelly. “ Cause you will never see Sunny again!”
Klaus’ heart sank in his chest further. He rushed up, running wobbly across the net. Violet held on for dear life, unsure if Klaus was going to make the net break and release them. “ I swear to God if you harm Sunny anymore than you already have...I’ll...I’ll,” he shouted pounding his fist on the wall.
“Klaus!” Violet yelled as Klaus trembled to his knees crying.
“She’s just a toddler,” he cried desperately.
“I’m very much aware,” Olaf replied. “It’s not her you should worry about,” he hissed. “Goodbye, for now, orphans,”
The two villains cackled loudly as they began to walk away. The mere light from the top of the elevator shaft giving the children a bare gleam of light.
“The door is still open,” Violet whispered as she began to tie her hair.
Even though there was no possible way Esme could hear Violet from that far below. The children could hear the tapping of Esme’s heels as she walked towards the elevator shaft. “Darling...you forgot the door,” she explained.
Violet’s eyes widened.
“No!” she screamed.
“ NO!” Klaus begged.
“Hope you’re afraid of the dark!” Olaf called down to the children as Esme hit the button and the children watched in horror as the small gleam of light that they once had disappeared. The darkness effectively swallowing them whole. Violet and Klaus could not see each other but they both could sense the fear that the other radiated.
“We’re not okay,” Klaus whispered.
It was as if Violet and Klaus had switched roles. When they had first landed on the net, Klaus was optimistically relieved while Violet was in the moment rage-crazy. But now, as Klaus began to fall into his usual spell of despair, Violet focused on tying up her hair.
“We’re alive,” she countered.
“ For now,” Klaus replied back and just like that, two words sent Violet’s heart plummeting like two villains had sent two unfortunate orphans plummeting through the thick, sickly darkness of an ersatz elevator shaft.
#misery loves company#violet snicket au#violet snicket#violet baudelaire#klaus baudelaire#sunny baudelaire#count olaf#gunther#esme squalor#jerome squalor#duncan quagmire#isadora quagmire#olivia caliban#jacques snicket#larry your waiter#jacquelyn scieszka#ersatz elevator#beatrice baudelaire#beatrice baudelaire ii#lemony snicket#bertrand baudelaire#daniel handler#asoue#asoue au#asoue fanfic#asoue fandom#asoue fanbase#asoue fic#asoue netflix#asoue movie
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I Gave Birth To A Big Bear
A/N: After BREAKING NEWS: EMERGENCY BROADCAST
I was still eating my bowls of ice cream. Darth Parker just finished his. Zachary Giraffinakis cleared the cache on our server to get rid of unnecessary temporary files. Stan Doe was letting the pie download as he returned to the server. King Bruce Ice was adjusting his set. Prince Peter was doing sound tests. Meanwhile, Prince Banana had disconnected from the server. I assumed he was just there for the ice cream program.
"I'm sorry, but I'm still not ready for my broadcast. Is anyone else able to do a broadcast?" Darth Parker asked in his deep Southern voice as he was having sound difficulties.
"Hang on, dark Prince. Let me ask if anyone has news," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said quickly.
"I'll be glad to help," Found Sheep as he joined the server.
"Oh thank you, Found Sheep," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said. "Please take the floor."
"Thank you," Found Sheep said. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. "Hello everyone, I'm Found Sheep. I want to tell you a dream I had about an agitator who was trying to push the (encrypted voice done by Milk Mama Chrissy, Encrypting Genius saying, "Biometric signature") onto us. It's barbaric. I was being chased by men in white lab coats that were singing Hakuna Mutata as they were running with scissors. Other people were getting agitated because they were being herded like wolves into a grocery store and were told to stand ten feet apart while trying to run at the same time. They would listen if they were told to wear a pair of pants on their faces. It was madness, but I ran with humility to the Lord. I wasn't going and still not going to obey the government and man. I am not going to promote it. Do you want to be part of Revelation Chapter 13? Do you want to be part of enforcing the (encrypted voice done by Milk Mama Chrissy, Encrypting Genius saying, "Biometric signature")? Is this world really worth holding on to enough to sacrifice who you are? Look at the future. It's time to say enough is enough. Pick up your cross and follow the Lord! Go to Matthew 10. I am a sheep among the wolves. Do not get pulled into the agitation. Don't let the world consume you. The wolves are devouring without sight. I do not trust anyone part of any authoritative organization. They have to sign certain oaths against the Lord. And they hate people like us. And it's hard for us. But we need to be strong. Teach others instead of preaching to them. Show them the joy of our Lord in the natural world. Show the Lord thanks. The future generation is a blessing. Teach it correctly. Tell it that the only thing you must fear is the Lord. Unfortunately, families will fight among each other because they haven't grown a relationship with the Lord. But you can overcome that. Trust in our Lord."
"Thank you, Found Sheep. The Planetary Broadcasting Corporation only tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We are not funded by anyone other than those who donate to us. We are not bought and sold by Chinta, China, or any other embassy. We want to gain your trust," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said.
"I greatly appreciate you having me on tonight. But please remember my message tonight. It is very important to stay strong. That's why I'm here tonight. I know many viewers are struggling, even the preppers. Please trust in the Lord. You cannot survive this plandemic alone. I meant what I said. Plandemic. Preppers out there, please read the book of Revelation," Found Sheep said as he stared at the camera.
"Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt your broadcast, but Queen Xara's apple pie is done," Stan Doe said as he downloaded the apple pie onto my server.
"Go ahead. Be thankful for your apple pie, Queen Xara. The Lord gives that to you to nourish your baby," Found Sheep said to me.
"Always, Found Sheep. Your voice and words move me. You are a faithful servant," I said. "Speaking of, anyone heard from Hope Omens lately?"
"Yes. She is doing fine. She sings a lot and isn't really into talking about the heavy-hitting stuff like Pastor Penn and I are. But she is still sending hopeful messages to everyone. She's a sweet woman," Found Sheep said.
"Yeah. I haven't really watched her much. I'm more interested in the world news and how it relates to the Bible, which Found Sheep and Pastor Penn talk about," King Joebear said.
"Yes. She seems like a nice lady, but I can't stand musicals. They're absolutely dreadful," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said.
"EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION, BUT IT IS BULLSHIT THAT THE PLAGUE HAS HIT THE NEWS STATION!" Chef Rogue Fromage shouted as he was trying to download macaroni and cheese to everyone's server. "Milk Drama Llama Bomma Romma Mama Chrissy and I had an appointment! Now I have to wait two fucking weeks! THIS IS MADNESS!!!!! THIS IS PARIS!!!!" He was trying to make a reference to "This is Sparta!"
Stan Doe chuckled and downloaded my pie to me. I thanked him and downloading it into my stomach. I was starving even after ten bowls of ice cream. What is this freak baby?!
"Yes. Musicals should be illegal," King Bruce Ice said. "And the Plague is bullshit. I'm sure you were looking forward to that appointment, great chef."
"I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals. I hate musicals," Count Vanilla said.
"I WASSSSSS!!!!" Chef Rogue Fromage shouted loudly into our servers, which caused ear rape to occur to all of us.
"Musicals suck! Whoever invented them is an idiot! AND THIS PLAGUE SUCKS! AND MY CONNECTION SUCKS!" Prince Banana shouted as loudly as Tyler1 gets as he appeared on his screen and started beating something with a banana hammer.
Maxwell Ice, Prince Banana's black and white apple head chihuahua, was wearing a small white space helmet and curling up against the corner of the backseat window on the passenger side. His eyes were pressed against the helmet.
I looked at him. "Hi Prince Banana," I said as I waved and started laughing.
Prince Banana screamed at me as he tried to mesh his molecules with the batmobile. "Hi Queen Xara. How's the baby?!" he asked as his video connection was shotty.
"Hungry," I said.
"I say, what the hell is wrong with you, Prince Banana? Screaming isn't going to help her baby exist," Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets said.
"Indeed. That was asinine. Wait until the baby is born and well-rested. Then you can scream for ice cream all you want," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy said.
"Sorry... y-y-yeah, I's hungry. That's why I screamed. Really," Prince Banana said as his video was choppy and the sound quality cut in and out.
"Bullshit!" King Bruce Ice coughed.
Everyone except Joebear screamed loudly. Even the cast of PeeWee Herman, Macrula, George Carlin, Ronald McDonald, Pennywise the Dancing Clown, the Bernstein Bears, Tyler1, DarthSydePhineas, Chuckee Queso, Victoria Filetmignon, Francesca Asiago Cheese, Queen Gloria, King Skipper, Johnnio Ice, Kavana Ice, Maxwell Ice, and De of Sean screamed. I even did a virus scan on my virtual pie to make sure that it was not infected with The Plague.
"Will everyone calm the fuck down? I don't have the Plague! Do I?" King Bruce Ice said as he did a virus scan on his computer. "All of this news mania has driven all of you mother fuckers crazy. And I'm starting to go insane. But I am not getting a traditional COVID test. Those swabs have carcinogens in them. Fuck that!"
"I agree, but I wouldn't use that kind of language," Found Sheep said. "When I was Lost Sheep, I spoke fluent cockney." He giggled. "Sorry for screaming like that. I was concerned for your health there."
Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy giggled.
"Soooo.... anyway... does anyone like... STUFF?!" Darth Parker asked with his trademark deep Southern voice and deep breathing.
"I love stuff. It's my favorite. Really. Darth Parker, you certainly know and understand what a woman likes," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy said as she melted before the camera. She was staring at him with her tongue halfway out.
Stan Doe chuckled.
And my water broke right after my last bite of supposedly uninfected pie... and my room was flooding. My signal was going out.
"Uhhhhhhh.... sorry.... my water is broken," I was floating in my room.
"OH SHIT! OPEN YOUR BEDROOM DOOR!" King Joebear shouted.
"H-hang on, B-B-Bae! I'm opening the door now," I said as I swam to the door and opened it. At this point, my computer was functioning under water. And then I got sucked into virtual reality.
Zachary Giraffinakis screamed as he swam away from me in the digital world.
"Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. We're all going to get the Plague if you don't open up the drain program!" Count Vanilla shouted as he swam through my water.
Oh I'm sorry...
"I'm trying! The son of a bitch is hard to op-" Zachary Giraffinakis said as he successfully opened the drain program. Most of the news crew and the anchors went down the drain to another reality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"What the fucking hell?!" Queen Megara Ice asked as she was at the bottom of my feet. Water was flowing out from under me like a waterfall. "Whose water breaks like that?!"
"I don't know, but it's fuuuuuuckkked up," King Bruce Ice said as he swam through my water with a blue scuba diving suit.
"Holy Shit! That's newsworthy!" Captain Slammer said as he hovered over everyone in an outfit similar to a gothic spiderman.
Prince Banana Ice screamed loudly through an intercom system in his batmobile that he and Maxwell Ice were flying around in.
King Joebear waddled out of the river where my water flowed and shook himself off. "Yep. That happened," he said.
"It happened. It happened. It happened. It happened. It happened. It happened. It happened. It happened. It happened," Count Vanilla said as he washed up on the ground and wrung his cape out.
"Owwwww!!!!" I shouted as I was randomly being transported to a new reality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mom! Are you okay?" Stan Doe asked as he showed his face on my computer screen.
"Not really. I have gone through this six times, but it never gets easier," I said as I leaned against the computer desk and put my hands on top of my head while I stared blankly at my keyboard.
"Please breathe, Queen Xara," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy said as she was on a split screen with Stan Doe.
I was breathing, even without a space helmet. OH MY GOSH, WHY AM I NOT WEARING A SPACE HELMET?! WHAT REALITY AM I IN?! My baby was hurting me and was angry that I was not wearing a space helmet.
King Joebear, Count Vanilla, King Bruce Ice, Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets, and Darth Parker all got on split screens to support me through my birthgiving.
Master and Prince Banana also joined the split screen.
"Guys, he's ready to come out. This baby is definitely a boy," I said weakly as I blankly looked at all of their sweet heads.
Queen Megara Ice and Queen Gloria then programmed themselves onto my computer screen before they pulled me into it. They put blankets down for me to lay on. The men laid me down gently. Count Vanilla and Steve Doe took my shoes off. Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy lifted my nightgown. King Joebear unbuttoned my jean shorts and pulled them down. Darth Parker quickly pulled my white underwear down.
Once my bottom garments were removed, I put my knees in the air and feet flat on the floor. The baby was coming out whether I wanted him to or not. I screamed because the bear was literally swimming out of my uterus.
"Breathe. Breathe. The Plague doesn't exist," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I transferred all the way back to August 29, 2011, when I was only 22 years old.
Nurse Chrissy was telling me jokes to calm me down because this baby was really hurting me as it tried to come out.
I laughed and peed myself on accident. The baby's head was making its way out of my vagina.
"Holy Fuck a hurricane is coming! We need to evacuate!" Captain Slammer shouted as he ran through the hospital halls and wearing black scrubs and a stethoscope around his neck.
"Haste. Haste. Everything haste. Counter. Counter. Uggghhhh. Ughhhhhgg.," a black cub with brown eyes and a dainty golden crown shouted as he helped Peter W. Parker, my 12-year-old black son named Stan, and a brown cub with bluish green eyes and a large golden crown wrap me in a blanket.
"Oh shit! I'm staying in here until it's safe," the baby from my vagina said.
"Haha. That bear is definitely going to be named Parker," the prince black cub said as he ran with everyone to a OB-GYN room on high ground.
"What will his middle name?" the king brown cub asked as he ran inside the OB-GYN unit with the rest of us.
"What's your name?!" I shouted as my baby was clawing my insides out.
"Bruce," the king brown cub answered.
"My name is Parker Bruce Campinelli!!!!!" the baby yelled inside of my vagina. "And my head is staying here until we get to safety!"
"Close the damn door and bolt it, Zachary Giraffinakis!" Nurse Chrissy shouted to her assistant. "Also Parker Bruce Campinelli. It's a perfect name. It has the same initials as this hospital, Princeton Baby Carefacility!"
"It's a perfect name! Hey wind, CAN I CLOSE THE DOOR?!" Zachary Giraffinakis shouted as he tried shutting the door that was being blown open by the wind that rushed through the hall.
"Nope, but I can," Captain Slammer said as he helped Zachary Giraffinakis shut the door. Then he bolted it and used a rope to tie it closed.
"Ahhh... what a great time for my shoes to get a hole in them!" a brown cub with brownish hazel eyes who wore a small golden crown and black scrubs yelled as he tore a hole in each shoe.
"Move, Nurse Bananas!" King Bruce shouted as he, the black cub, Peter W. Parker, and Stan tried to get me in the closet.
"Sorry!" Nurse Bananas said as he skillfully rolled out of the way. I could have sworn he knew martial arts.
A beautiful female grayish brown bear with brownish hazel eyes and an intricate silver crown opened the closet door and looked at us in alarm. "Allez! Allez! Allez!" she shouted at us. She then laid down another blanket for me go lay on. I must note that the OB-GYN unit had a working TV, working paging system, working toilet, and a Christmas tree inside of it.
The black cub, King Bruce, Peter W. Parker, and Stan laid me down.
"Is it safe yet?!" Parker Bruce Campinelli asked.
"Hell no. Wait for everyone to get their ASSES in the room!!!" King Bruce yelled as he growled.
The OB-GYN nurses, a dark brown sheep with easy brown eyes, Nurse Bananas, Prince Oliver, a gray cub with brown eyes covered with round-framed glasses sitting in a wheelchair, Nurse Chrissy, Nursing Assistant Zachary Giraffinakis, a female red cub with green eyes who wore a golden crown, Princess Peepers - a white cat with a gold eye and a blue eye, Princess Annabelle - a gray tabby cat with green eyes, Ronald McDonald, Pennywise the Dancing Clown, Master, and Captain Slammer filed in the OB-GYN room.
Captain Slammer then braced his shield against the door.
"Now is it safe?" Peter Bruce Campinelli asked.
"I think so. We adverted Hurricane Idiot. OWWWW!!!! OWWWWWW!!!!" I screamed as I pushed him.
"Weeeeeee!!!!!!" Parker Bruce Campinelli shouted as he flew out of my vagina.
"Aaaahahahshhhhhhaaahhhhhhh!!!!" I shouted.
The hurricane winds whipped at the door.
"INCOMING!!!!!" Captain Slammer shouted.
The hurricane then washed down the whole hospital, and my body exploded from giving birth to a big bear. Parker Bruce Campinelli was almost full grown.
Thank Goodness that the other five cubs existed in an alternate reality and time-space continuum and were largely unaffected by Hurricane Idiot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Boom server had Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets wearing his black space helmet, Count Vanilla wearing a black cloak and his Trumpy Bear mask, and King Joebear wearing a gold crown.
Then, Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli, a nine-foot-tall black bear with kaleidoscopic eyes with green, yellow, and brown in them, joined the server. Prince Peter Bruce Campinelli was a beautiful big black bear who wore a gold and silver crown, a large white cloth diaper, and black rocket shoes.
Stan Doe still sported his gray suit, white button-down shirt, and red tie as he rejoined the server. King Bruce Ice joined the server at the same time Darth Parker did. Prince Banana joined the server with a decent connection and wore a black space suit. Princess Kissy and Princess Oreo were laying their fat asses on their screens when they joined the server.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy shouted at max volume and raped our ears.
"I have no fucking idea. I just JOINED," Captain Slammer said as he was surfing the waves of Hurricane Idiot on his shield and holding a black umbrella above his head on the other screen.
The rest of us laughed and shrugged.
"We seem to have been sucked into yet another alternate reality. It seems the fabric of reality is becoming more blurred as this quote-unquote Plague progresses," Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets spoke.
"These worlds are just too much. I now have six cubs," King Joebear said. "And I couldn't be happier."
"Yep. I am proud to have Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli and Stan Doe. I love my other five cubs: Lucy, Adam, Eve, Paddington Joe, and Pooh as well. And my adopted cub, Count Vanilla," I said.
Count Vanilla growled proudly nine times.
"Thank you, but I really don't know what the hell is going on," he said with a shrug and chuckle.
"I am glad to finally be born, mother Queen Xara. I have waited two years for this moment. Mark the date, August 31, 2021. I'm a virgo," Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli said.
"I am glad you are here, brother PBC," Stan Doe spoke ethereally.
Princess Kissy licked herself on camera.
"Thank you. I am honored to be your brother, Stan Campinelli," Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli said.
"I am not Stan Campinelli," Stan Doe said.
"Correct. Stan is not my child," King Joebear said. "But he is your mother's child."
"So who's the father?" Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli asked.
"I am not allowed to disclose that information on any public media," Stan Doe said.
"That's why he is called Stan Doe, Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli," I said.
"Well, in that case, I am honored to be your brother, Stan Doe," Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli said.
King Joebear made a sound like a seal.
"What the hell was that?!" Darth Parker asked in a deep Southern accent.
"It just happened. I can't give you an answer," King Joebear said.
"Sounds about right! Either way, I am proud of the birth of Prince Parker Bruce Campinelli," King Bruce Ice said. "We'll call him Prince PBC for short."
"So my children are Princess Lucy, Prince Adam, Princess Eve, Prince Paddington Joe, Prince Pooh, Prince Stan Doe, and Prince PBC," I said.
"Prince? When did this happen?" Prince Stan Doe asked.
"Just now," I said. "I decree it!"
"IT SHALL BE HONORED!" Milk Drama Llama Bomma Roma Mama chrissy shouted.
The other random members of the server cheered.
"Thank you," Prince Stan Doe said as he sniffled with tears of joy.
"You're welcome," I said.
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masterpost of iconic lines/moments in Froot (2015) by Marina and the Diamonds
Happy:
when the chorus effect starts on the line “melted away like I was free” and my soul escaped my body, went to hell, and was immediately forgiven by the benevolent god that is marina diamandis
“I realize to be happy, maybe I need a little company” and I started crying one minute and forty seconds into the album
the sheer force with which my head was ejected from my body when she hits the high note on “I believe someone’s watching over me”
the chord changes in the bridge making me feel melancholy realness, honey
invented the piano, invented happy songs that sound sad, invented music
I’ve fallen asleep crying to this song an uncountable amount of times
Froot:
THE FUCKING BASS RIFF IN THE FIRST TWO SECONDS which precisely and methodically severed my ear canal from my cranium
everything about this song
“ju-u-u-uice, la la la la la la la” >>> the entire discography of the rolling stones, the beatles, led zeppelin, and all of your dusty-ass “iconic” faves
the sultriness of the fucking low G she hits perfectly and consistently throughout the verses
“but I ain’t in a patient phase” probably the most iconic modern music will get
the way she sings “come on fill your cup uuuuuuuUUUUUPP” shattering my femur
“i’ve been saving all my summers for you” assassinates all of the poetry by William Shakespeare combined
every part of the second verse, especially “baby I am plump and ripe, I’m pinker than shepard’s delight, sweet like honeysuckle late at night” which was better sex-ed than I received throughout my entire adolescent academic career
“birds and worms will come for me, the cycle of life is complete” making fucking DECOMPOSITION the sexiest thing anyone has ever said in the compendium of human history
The Fucking Bridge Melody that she sings well beyond the troposphere, above the stratosphere, and sitting sexily in the mesosphere
“oh my body is ready, yeah it’s ready, yeah it’s ready”
I’m a Ruin
marina single-handedly addressing the complexities of young-adult relationships with “I could treat you better but I’m not that smart”
the insane degree to which I scream “yeah yeah, uh huh, woo hoo, yeah yeah” at the end of the chorus, thus startling my neighbors and setting off car alarms
“It’s difficult to move on when nothing was right and nothing was wrong” making me spray tears out of my eyes like a machine gun
the way the back up vocals come in on “I’ve had my share of beautiful men, but I’m still young and I want to love again”
the dichotomy of “I’ll ruin you” and “I’m a ruin” are proven to be one and the same, thus ending the careers of marriage counselors across the world
Blue
the iconic and instantly-memorable backing track
the continuity between the themes of the last song with the opening line “we’ve broken up and now I regret it”
the FORESHADOWING of “and I don’t know why but I can’t forget it” which alludes to the themes of the NEXT song, Forget, basically proving Marina doesn’t need references to any body of literature but her own goddamn songs
“gimme love, gimme dreams, gimme a good self-esteem” ejecting my wig at mach 3 into another dimension
the sheer craftsmanship of the pre-chorus, which is perfectly catchy and memorable while refraining from cliches
the way the beat picks up on the chorus and I demand my non-existent ex to “gimme one more night”
“I’m sick of looking after you, I need a man to hold on to, I’m bored of everything we do, but I just keep coming back to you” proving marina is just as fed up with fuckboys as we are, but is just as flawed and hypocritical as us, showing her imperfections and making her more worthy of our worship
ending the song on the pre-chorus like the fucking INNOVATOR of MODERN MUSIC she is??? like please tell me WHEN will your fave
Forget
this list doesn’t include the visuals from the music videos but I will make an exception for the ICONIC wig she wears in the video
the vocals for “never heal” sending me into a tailspin and crashing into a ditch at 70 mph
50% of the chorus is the word “forget” and it is STILL the height of modern literature
after her mention of an “abacus” in the second verse, abacus sales went up 2000% and surpassed their unprecedented popularity in ancient Greece
“yeah it’s time to be letting go, yeah baby you know what I’m talking about” probably the most iconique start to a bridge physically possible in this dimension
“YEAH I’VE BEEN DANCING WITH THE DEVIL I LOVE THAT HE PRETENDS TO CARE IF I’LL EVER GET TO HEAVEN WHEN A MILLION DOLLARS GETS YOU THERE OH ALL THE TIME THAT I HAVE WASTED CHASING RABBITS DOWN A HOLE WHEN I WAS BORN TO BE THE TORTOISE I WAS BORN TO WALK ALONE” is not supposed to be a high-intensity part of the song but I don’t fucking care obviously
the way she fucking develops the lyrics of the chorus throughout the song and makes each line the best life lesson you ever heard??? who is this woman?????
Gold
by FAR the most underrated song on the album for no goddamn reason like, have you demons even listened to it?? hmmmmm????
i have no idea how the accompaniment was made for the song but whoever did it was a genius and needs to be remembered for the rest of time
“doesn’t matter long as I am your star, sta-AAARRRR” melodically groundbreaking, please take notes everyone
“don’t think i want what I used to want, don’t think I need what i used to need” addressing the pains of growing out of old friendships and passions in a fun approach
“you can’t take away the Midas touch, so you better make way for a GREEK GOLD RUSH” YES MAMA REPRESENT YOUR COUNTRY LIKE THE GODDESS YOU AAAARE
knew she could rhyme “El Dorado” with “Colorado” and fucking did
the fade out at the end of the song painting her as a con-artist or corrupt gold-dealer being hauled off to jail while reveling in the near success of her schemes is what???? I C O N I C
Can’t Pin Me Down
this song is direct proof that marina is a straight up motherfucking KUNT in charge of her destiny. the album is labeled as explicit because of this ONE song and only ONE line: “you might think I’m one thing, but I am another. You can’t call my bluff, TIME TO BACKUP MOTHERFUCKER” like not only is this the most badass line in the history of language, but this line was so important to her that she made the album explicit JUST FOR THIS ONE LINE. SHE IS AN ICON. END OF STORY.
she is a feminist! BUT! “Do you really want me to write a feminist anthem, I’m happy in the kitchen cooking dinner for my husband” proving that you do NOT know this bitch. she is nothing you think she is. except that she is an I C O N.
the meter of “just another girl in the twenty-first century” has me unpredictably and immeasurably shook because she is just! that! kind! of! girl!
“You think I’m like the others, boy you need to get your eyes che-e-e-e-e-e-ecked, che-e-e-e-e-e-e-ecked” blew the skin clean off of my face
“i can be your russian doll” like,,,, gag
the entire concept and existence of this song is revolutionary and cements her position as the strongest female artist of our generation
Solitaire
holy FUCK you guys love to hate amazing songs, don’t you?? this song is without a doubt one of my favorites and you fuckers have the NERVE
the production on this song is one of a kind and continues to prove her versatility in style on this album. any reservations you had about her from electra heart better be EVAPORATED by this point.
the melodies on this song are, besides Froot, the catchiest on the album for me. they are so well crafted and inventive, i am shaking
“hard like a rock, cold like stone, white like a diamond, black like coal, cut like a jewel, yeah I repair myself when you’re not there” is such an amazing pre-chorus for this song like it could no possibly be better than that
the way the mood shifts from the verse to the chorus cut off my arms with raw blunt force
the flourish on the line “and I’ll admit all I wanna do is get drunk and silent” gave me an aneurysm
holy fucking SHIT the end of the bridge is for sure a highlight on the album. “but I’m not cursed, i’m not cursed, I was just covered in dirt” like damn marina go all the way off
the extra-dimensional high notes on this song are second to none, babes
Better Than That
“You’re just another in a long line of men she screwed” is the FUCKING WAY TO START A SONG, GIRLS. ARE YOU JOTTING THIS DOWN??
“So why’s she looking like a cat who got the cream?” ugh marina is so perfect I cannot deal with this bitch anymore
the sheer vocal talent on the chorus, like how high can this girl go? someday she’s going to rupture my eardrums and I will thank her personally
“with an angel voice, devil in disguise” the vocal production for this is perfect and successfully made me shit myself
“and she’ll network till her dreams come true, even if it means getting in a bed with you” miss marina is out for BLOOD everyone, the music industry is cowering in fear of her objective talent and lack of fucks
“i’m not passing judgment on her sexual life, I’m passing judgement on the way she always stuck her knife in my back” whoever this woman is she is getting READ for FILTH by lady diamandis and you all need to watch your backs
Weeds
this song is straight out of a sappy rom-com and I am fully living for it
“but it keeps growing back like WEEDS” I am currently screaming please give me a moment
“and God knows what sex is, a way to feel a bit, a little bit less lonely” marina chose sex to be a prominent theme on this album but she has shown she can handle it in the moment mature way any woman in the industry can. it’s subtle, it’s methodical, it isn’t vulgar, it’s just straight real and honest and such an important thing to discuss! this song is another aspect of how sex can be important in our lives. she better preach tbh
the aesthetics can reserved character on this song are a beautiful contrast that the album needed. filler tracks who???
Savages
full disclosure, this song blew a hole right through my body with the sheer impact of its lyrics and chorus
there are so many fucking good lyrics on this song, it’s truly baffling that anyone has a career in the music industry after this was dropped
“I’m not afraid of God, I am afraid of man” I am Screeching
the first beat of the chorus, my bodily fluids are already dripping from the ceiling and my bones are crushed into a fine powder
“underneath it all, we’re just savages hidden behind shirts, ties, and marriages” she is prophet, the chosen one, the woman who will deliver us from our mortal coils
“another day, another tale of rape, another ticking bomb to bury deep and detonate” Marina is fully aware of the important problems our nation is facing at the time the album was released and even to today. she isn’t a shallow artist like the persona she created in electra heart, she has become almost the exact opposite. She is taking on these issues with a clear judgment and grace and I am so proud and appreciative of her work.
“are you killing for yourself or killing for your savior?” YES YOU BETTER ASSASSINATE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS
the buildup in the last chorus to the E T H E R E A L ending is clearly the climax of modern pop music
Immortal
you could play this song for me and tell me it’s a message from an angel and I would 200% believe you
the melody on this track is so fucking pristine it’s like a glacier melting in your mouth
it continues the themes of humanity from Savages but looks at a completely different issue about it. this album is cohesive, planned out, and a complete and full body of work
the moment the chorus hits with “I’m forever chasing after time” my limbs are being forcibly extended by a device of love and torture
“but if the earth ends in fire, and the seas are frozen in time, there will be just one survivor, the memory that I was yours and you were mine” ok not kidding anymore this is STRAIGHT up MOTHER fucking POETIC genius and innovation at its most concentrated and talented moment
when she says “twice” on the high note in the chorus, it’s like the most beautiful bell shattering in my ear, tbqh
THE FUCKING BRIDGE is actual art. “I just wanna be able to say the I live my life” the way she executes this melody is cold-blooded and frankly she should be charged with manslaughter for it
bottom line, Marina Diamandis released the biggest breakthrough in pop music to date in 2015 and all of you demons let it flop. if you have the nerve to call this album a failure, I have literally 0 respect for you and no one is ever going to love you
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“Congratulations” VS. “Started From The Bottom”
Started as a bottom, now my whole team’s fuckin’ rears.
Self-aggrandizing rap and hip-hop anthems have existed since the genre was invented. It’s just a really nice, friendly way of saying, “hey! I’m better than you.” Generally speaking, whoever is on the track should have the power and clout behind them to make all of the bragging seem warranted. A great example is Eminem’s Rap God, which has a chorus that literally has Eminem saying he’s beginning to feel like a rap god. And we buy it, because hell, Eminem basically IS a rap god. Regardless of how you feel about him, especially as a person, there’s no arguing that his flows and style require an insane amount of skill. (Or at least, they used to.)
The other big rule, once again using Rap God as an example, as that the song should actually be good. Because if you’re bragging about being the coolest rapper with the most chains and bitches while rapping like complete shit, your point is pretty much moot. When Eminem speed-raps in Rap God, it’s essentially the proof that he is in fact the man named in the title.
There’s only one real problem with these songs when it comes to audience reception: They’re not relatable to anybody except other rich rappers and musicians. Which can be kind of a problem since that’s not really who the music industry is aiming to please. So in somewhat recent times we’ve been getting a different flavor of self-aggrandizing rap. Songs that, instead of saying “I’m super great”, they say, “Hey, I started from humble beginnings and worked my way to the top, and now I’m super great”. Which gives us viewers the idea of this sort of achievable dream that is nearly within arm’s reach.
Enter two very, very different hip-hop artists, at two very different times.
Drake and Post Malone, in my opinion, are both pretty good, in my opinion.
Let’s start with Drake. Drake feels at least a little more like a “real rapper” than Post does. Maybe because he was on Young Money, or because he doesn’t have that sing-songy flow that Post does, but he just feels more like somebody I’d describe as a rapper. If I had any reason, I’d say it’s because Post Malone’s music, even his ego-boosting shit, tends to sound stoned or morose the bulk of the time. Drake’s voice isn’t much fun either, but at least I can believe his ego based on his vocal tones alone. Post has a tendency to sound really, really sad, or just super high.
Now one might say, “Panda, you can’t compare these two songs. Started from the Bottom precedes Congratulations by four years.” But the reason I’m making this comparison is that, despite Drake being considered the superior artist by nearly everyone, Congratulations is basically the better version of its predecessor.
Let’s discuss this.
Now for one thing, I fucking hate the music video of Started from the Bottom. Not because it’s that bad, though depicting “working at a drug store” as “the bottom” is pretty fucking stupid, the video itself does a pretty good basic job at getting across what it wants. I just hate the skit.
I remember pulling up the song on YouTube and thinking, Jesus, this song is 5 fucking minutes long? Half the lyrics are just the title. Relax, past Panda, one minute of that video is a stupid skit that shows up randomly before the second chorus. A full fucking minute of two of Drake’s coworkers, not even Drake himself, but two of his coworkers at Duane Reade or something ogling some woman who’s checking out of the store. It’s not funny, it doesn’t really add anything, and the two guys can’t act. Drake’s body language is awkward and goofy in the music video, I doubt he’d be a great actor either, but that’s fine, he’s just the guy who made the song. Most of what he needs to do is lipsync along to the track and wave his hands around anyway. But the two guys are in a skit, an acted skit that requires acting to happen, and they suck.
It doesn’t help that it’s interrupting what is already one of the most monotonous songs that the lord hath graciously dumped on top of our collective consciousness like a weighty cow turd. The video actually tries to help the song by making it look like Drake really did work a crappy job with a bunch of assholes and was raised in a shitheap. But this isn’t true.
And I hate bringing the lives of artists into their music more than anything. Because ever since really getting into Eminem’s works, I’ve been seeing every musician’s persona as a character. Now some musicians characters, like say, Mary Lambert, are very close to their real-world self, or even identical. Others, like David Bowie or the aforementioned Eminem, are essentially entirely different people offstage. Then there’s incredibly creative people like ThatPoppy who sort of blur the difference between a musical persona and the person behind it. And honestly I find that way more interesting than ripping into an artist personally. (Unless it’s Taylor Swift.)
But Started from the Bottom is an argument against critics who don’t believe Drake ever really suffered or understands the lower class. And I’ve read about him, so I can say that he should. He wasn’t living in a complete shithole, generally Canadian shitholes are better than American ones, but he still dealt with a parental divorce, bullying due to his race and Jewish upbringing, and having to see his father arrested. But there’s two issues once we reach this point.
One. This song never mentions any of that. And two. After dropping out of school he got a TV job to act as a main character on Degrassi. And since this song isn’t about his childhood, I can only assume it’s looking back on his days as a working-class young adult.
NO, Drake. BAD hip-hop artist.
Being an actor on a TV sitcom is not the bottom. Not to mention that even when he left to start making music, he essentially had his career set. Once you’re an actor on television, if people watched your shit, you can almost definitely get a job in music afterwards. It worked for Miley, Demi, Ariana, and Selena, there’s no reason it wouldn’t have worked for Drake. Not to mention that he got picked up by Young Money, which is essentially a free win for anyone who’s better and more interesting than sentient iguana man Li’l Wayne. (Which was surprisingly rare, apparently. Where the fuck is Gudda Gudda’s next single, Wayne?!)
Yes, Drake, we know you weren’t rich. That doesn’t mean you were at the bottom. I live in a comfortable apartment in Midtown and my mom works a law firm, and we don’t even call ourselves rich. “Not being rich” is different from “the bottom”. “The bottom” is only owning hand-me-down underwear, living in a downturned umbrella and eating dirt for nutrients.
But lyrically this song doesn’t tell you anything. All the stuff I know about this guy is just from Lyric Genius and Wikipedia.
Wow, you only argue with your mom once a month?
Lucky bastard.
Also, really quickly I wanna comment on the uncle line for a second. “The keys” are specifically to his drop top Lexus that young Drake was borrowing. I don’t think you need me to say that people who are on “the bottom” don’t tend to own convertibles.
And, like, rich people work at night and get in traffic too. Just because you’re in a limousine doesn’t mean there’s no traffic. It’s just slightly more enjoyable traffic.
And then Drake just spends the rest of the song essentially sucking his own dick without expanding on his hardships, which was supposed to be the point of this track from the beginning. And I don’t get the whole “no new friends” thing he always says, this isn’t the only song he’s said it in. Drake, unless you’re gonna tell me that the entirety of Young Money and several other well-known rappers went to high school with you like some kind of wacky rap music-based sitcom, I’m pretty sure you’ve made some new friends. Either that or your obvious baby crush on Nicki Minaj is painfully laced by inconceivable amounts of mistrust.
So you’re either a paranoid asshole who just admitted to not trusting the people that got him into the game in the first place, or you’re a liar. Good to know!
Honestly this song makes me just kind of not like Drake as a person. Which is probably one of the worst things you can do as an artist. If you’re trying to make a song that allows people to sympathize with your plights or revel in your success, being this illegally unlikable while doing it isn’t helping your case in the slightest.
But honestly the worst part isn’t even the douchey lyrics, it’s just the song itself. It just feels like it goes on forever.
(Pictured: A hook, apparently.)
The chorus itself is so repetitive I’d rather listen to fucking Come and Get It, Drake has a really bad habit of sounding literally bored to death, and the beat just sounds like a Future song jacked off on GarageBand. Lame snares and lame backing tunes. One whole piano key. Wow, Drake, you’re almost as good at playing physical instruments as your mentor.
(Even he hates it.)
Sad to say the beat and production is probably the best part? Drake’s voice wrecks what was already a weak beat. Whenever he wants to be self-aggrandizing he just sounds fucking bored. Like the most self-aggrandizing thing about it is the fact that he doesn’t think he needs to actually try. In fact, The Motto (YOLO) had the exact same problem. I actually prefer that song. The beat still isn’t high art, but it’s got a little more snap to it. Kind of reminds me of Sage the Gemini’s Gas Pedal, which falls into the category of songs that aren’t that great but can be danced to if put on the setlist.
But this? It’s no fun. A hard 1 out of 5, and that’s only because its attempted premise was almost salvageable. But all I really got out of this song was that Drake is an asshole, he went to school with Lil Wayne apparently, his mom is really really nice since they only argue once a month, and he should just go back to desperately wishing his girlfriend would call him on his cell phone. You’re way better at being sad than--
Fucking... goddamnit.
Now Post Malone is kind of... different. In many ways. One time he said he doesn’t write rap music, and while normally I’d attribute that to him being a pussy who’s too afraid to contribute to what is and has always been a predominantly black genre and racism and he secretly doesn’t wanna be associated with them or whatever. But honestly I’m inclined to give Post Malone some leeway because really, he’s a singer. He makes notes. He’s singing with a hip-hop flow and occasionally has actual rap guests who... honestly end up doing a similar thing on his tracks. (In this case, it’s Quavo! Hurray!)
Oddly enough I actually went through a few songs to compare this to before settling on Drake. I considered Cheap Thrills, as they both sort of follow a similar concept of ‘today’s a good day, let’s go clubbing with only three bucks in our collective pockets’. Decided not to because really Cheap Thrills could be more accurately compared to a myriad of other songs. Considered White Iverson, his first single, but decided they didn’t really have enough in common to use it. I had options.
Really the only reason I went with this is because Congratulations succeeds in every place that Started From The Bottom fails.
Rather than attempting to detail Post Malone’s past suffering, it moreso discusses the actual rise to fame. And alllll the people who said he couldn’t do it.
Beatwise this one outclasses Drake’s already. I remember reading critics describing Started’s beat as “haunting”, which was apparently a good thing. I don’t get it. Congratulations, on the other hand, is carried by a sort of stoned, laidback tempo. Really speaks to the whole idea of “hey, we worked really hard, our album dropped, and now we can take a break and have some fun!”
Honestly if Post Malone wrote more songs like this and less straight-up luxury porn/self-aggrandizing rap like White Iverson or rockstar. (I feel like I’m a minority in not really minding either one of those songs.) Also I must say that Post Malone seems to be really good at picking guest artists. On rockstar he has 21 Savage, whose big thing is that he’s gangsta and shoots people and don’t fuck with him, which at least fits into the attempted tone. (Honestly Sav fits better on that song than Post does.) And in Congrats, we get Quavo.
Not only do Quavo and Post sound really good together on this, as their vocal range seems somewhat similar implying some kind of bro-type unity shit. Honestly this song gives me more band vibes than rockstar does, albeit a very different kind.
You know, you just started your band, you’re waiting to hit it big, you’ve put in all this effort with barely any money, you’re living in a shitbag apartment with 4 other sweaty dudes and you all have to sleep together and Quavo keeps rolling over and shoving his nuts in your face. It’s completely garbage and your drummer has to whore himself out for money, you accidentally get paid for a gig in beer tickets like in that one episode of Metalocalypse, and then finally, FINALLY, you drop a tape that hits big. You get on TV, you meet a record exec, and you’re calling your mom during the afterparty and you’re all celebrating because it’s been so LONG since you could just have a BREAK and now everybody’s SAUCIN’.
EXACTLY.
The lyrics work perfectly for this, but not only that, it’s to show all of the naysayers who insisted they couldn’t do it. All the haters who are now suddenly super gung-ho about how they used to be friends with Post Malone even though they actually shoved him in a locker literally every day. This somehow manages to be super-laidback and super-hype at the same time, which seems to be Post’s general style. Candy Paint has sort of a similar feel. That’s also a fucking great song. I love Post Malone. There. I said it.
But the biggest difference between these two songs is that I somehow get some feeling that Post Malone started somewhere. When I hear Congratulations, I feel like he actually had to put in some effort to get where he is. His first big hit only even got released because somebody leaked it. Nobody was ever expecting it to be as big as it is. Stoney in general is an insanely personal album, and it all feels surprisingly honest for the genre despite the drops of luxury porn and self-aggrandizing.
Basically, TL;DR: Drake cares more about the destination than the journey. Post gives us both the conflict and they payoff. Drake’s beat lacks texture or purpose, whereas Post manages to meld his melodic voice with a smooth backing track. Also, Post occasionally bothers with wordplay! Lyricism in a melodic rap song? Who would’ve thought?
Hell, it even manages to fix the “no new friends” idea displayed by Drake by sort of re-interpreting it as “no fake friends”.
And fuck, I almost forgot to mention Quavo.
Oh Quavo. Your verse may be short, severely lacking in punchlines and technically mediocre, but you just... you sound good. You sound good with Post. Somehow Post fucking Malone manages to totally outclass one of the Migos on this track. But Quavo does pretty well. I kinda like the “Huncho Houdini” line and a few of the football puns. In the end his verse is a little too short to really judge as anything more than decent.
(Also, the music video is great.)
But yeah, who would’ve thought this white stoner with braided sideburns would manage to completely slam Drake, the god of the late 2010′s? I’m honestly tempted to give this thing a 5 out of 5, but due to a few not-rhymes that nearly slip past due to Post’s mild drunken slur, I’d have to drop it into a 4.5/5. Still, I love this song. I love this song, I love Post Malone, fuck it. Judge me if you want. I have yet to hear a Post Malone song I don’t like.
Which I guess doesn’t mean much since he only has an album and an LP out, but...
It’s more than can be said for Drake at this point.
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Voltron Season Four: My Thoughts & Shit
I guess disgruntled workers are universal?
The design on the side of Galra ships look kind of like the disease that Tony Stark had due to the arc reactor in IM2 (Iron Man 2)
Marmora!Keith is fucking canon
The Blade is fucking raw “we understand that the mission is more important than the individual” what the SHIT?!
HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED?!
“Shiro” is fucking rude omg
Speaking of “Shiro” he’s being very suspicious. (written during ep1)
Pidge and Allura just get more beautiful every season goddamn
The Blade is getting pretty small “our agents are spread thin”
“RAZZLE DAZZLE!”
CORAN IS JUST SO AMAZING OMG
My snarky sassy baby is so awesome I can’t (Lance sassing Allura)
I FUCKING CALLED THE SHIP DECOY AS SOON AS I SAW IT
The Marmora uniforms are incredible holy shit
The Marmora is officially working with the Coalition
Kolivan trusts Keith, like a lot
Lotor hates Haggar but respects Honerva
“Shiro” is being really shady
There are so many Galra. We knew that but the squadrons confirmed it
THE BLACK LION RESPONDS TO “SHIRO”
They changed the music for the Voltron transformation and I love it
Keith really hates Lotor like it’s personal
GROUP HUG
SPACE FAMILY IS GOALS
I guess beans are universal?
First onscreen character death goes to Te-osh.
Zarkon is alive and well.
Alteans don’t get brain freeze and don’t understand cows.
Lotor is a shady bitch.
Zarkon is cold af.
Haggar might remember her life as Honerva.
The Holt Family gets their own damn post.
Narti’s ears are adorable! Omg!
Hunk being proud of his inventions is just !!!!!
Lance is a gamer boy and worked on a farm before.
Lance is so skilled at many different things. I love him.
Whoever animated Lance this season did an excellent job. He’s even more beautiful than normal.
I wonder why Zarkon’s helmet covers his whole face.
The cloaking tech is so damn cool.
Lotor just fucking murdered Narti. Holy shit.
Ezor, Zethrid, and Axca are really sad omg.
Lotor is now a fugitive. Whoa.
I guess drugs are universal?
“Shiro” is a bit of a hardass on everyone this season.
Coran’s room is absolutely amazing.
Drugs are universal.
“Well it rhymes, so it’s gotta be true.”
Coran is the greatest showman.
Shiro and Allura are fucking gymnasts.
Everyone is absolutely adorable.
The breadstick people are so supportive and adorable.
Hunk is flexible.
THE POSES!
BOX VOLTRON!
Voltron on Ice should be a thing.
Loverboy!Lance, Genius!Pidge, Moody!Keith (Allura), Humorous!Hunk, and #ShiroTheHero
I feel really bad for Hunk and his assigned persona.
“NOW PUT ON THIS SUPER-TIGHT SHIRT AND GET OUT THERE!”
Poor paladins. They’re reduced to stuff they don’t like.
EXCEPT LANCE THE FUCKING ACROBAT WAS THIS BOY IN A CIRCUS?
“Shiro’s” white floof is bigger
Coran goes all crazy and summons the big-ass monster from the cold planet.
Did that scene remind anybody else of Jurassic World?
“Help me Beebo-bee! You’re my only hope!”
This season seems overly light-hearted so I’m just waiting for the drop.
Ezor is staring to have doubts about Lotor enough to talk shit.
Zethrid’s ears are adorably tucked in her helmet omg!
Lotor willingly endangered Ezor, Axca, and Zethrid for the possibility of a minefield of quintessence.
Nyma, Rolo, and Beezer joined the coalition.
Pidge just fucking loves Beezer.
The Balmerans are okay.
“We’ll see you on the other side.” What a fucking icon.
There are definite female Galra.
Olia is proof that there are furry aliens.
The Galra defense system is shit but they are cunning as hell.
The Galra Gals rebelled against Lotor and I am shook but happy. They deserved better than him. Narti’s death was a total blow to their relationship with Lotor and I’m glad they avenged her. He’s a worthy villain of Voltron, yet he saved them in the end. However, I still remain wary due to him killing Narti and blasting Zethrid into space to save his ass.
Hunk has improved in combat so much and I’m very proud of him. I have hopes that seeing him disgruntled at his role in the Voltron rallies will change the fandom’s viewpoint. I’m also in love with his animation this season. His eyes just pop.
I’m really happy Keith joined the Blade of Marmora. He seems really happy and in his element. I’m proud that he’s finding out about himself. It was completely unexpected as well so bravo to the creators! It was actually pretty nice to see him take a bit of a back seat this season.
Lance’s character has developed so much. He’s truly the glue of the team. He gives so much love to everyone and gives them confidence beyond what they would be able to muster themselves. Much of what we know and love about Lance comes from his interactions with others because of how loving a person he is.
Allura is such a badass in this season. “The Heart of Voltron” and the princess of Altea has grown so much since the beginning of this show. She has lost so much and is still willing to give. Her speeches and diplomacy truly brought the Voltron Coalition together and her connection with the Blue Lion has only grown stronger.
My previous suspicions about the Shiro on the ship being a clone are starting to fade, but questions still stand: what happened to the other Shiro on the Galra ship? Why did Black refuse to let Shiro pilot her? What the hell is the timeline?
Overall, this season was hella awesome. From the interactions within the Coalition, to the story arcs, I believe that this was the best season so far. I still have so many questions, especially about Haggar and the druids but it must wait. See you next season!
#voltron season 4 spoilers#voltron#voltron: legendary defender#vld#the blade of marmora#keith (voltron)#shiro (voltron)#hunk (voltron)#pidge (voltron)#lance (voltron)#allura (voltron)#coran (voltron)#breadstick people#voltron on ice
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