#alastember 2022

[fatilightwood]

Thomastair headcanons

• Thomas is THE Lightwood who can cook. But he doesn’t follow recipes, he just adds ingredients and hopes for the best. Alastair makes him Risa’s recipes.

• They travel around the world. Paris 2.0, 3.0 and more! Italy for sure so they can rant about all the paintings there. And yep, let Thomas show Spain to his bf.

• Thomas feels lightheaded every time Alastair speaks French and same goes with Alastair hearing Thomas’s Spanish.

• They tease each other whenever they momentarily forget the translation of some word.

• They LOVE to try new food and visit historic places.

• Long walk dates or just talking in a coffeehouse are their favorite dates.

#happy last day of alastember people #alastember 2022 #alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #tlh #thomastair

[boredfangirl16]

Alastember: Sibling Headcanons

-Sona is going to die in childbirth, but the baby boy will be completely healthy 

-There will then be a debate over who is going to raise him. At this time Cordelia and James are still going through relationship problems, so Alastair is given care of the child. Even if they weren’t, he would’ve insisted on taking the baby because he wouldn’t want Cordelia to have to bear that burden. 

-It turns out Alastair has no clue what to do with a newborn and has a breakdown within the first few weeks. He doesn’t want to ask anyone for help, but Thomas notices that something is off. He assists Alastair as much as he can, but he also lacks knowledge about children. Eventually Thomas convinces him to get Sophie and Gideon’s help. 

-Thomas’s parents are overjoyed to assist with baby Carstairs. They brag about how amazing their grandson is to anyone who will listen. Thomas isn’t at all surprised by their reactions, but Alastair cried the first time he heard them introduce baby Carstairs as their grandson during a party. He never thought he would ever find that much acceptance, let alone from the same people who he slandered at the Academy. 

-Once the baby is around a year old, Alastair and Thomas move into Cirenworth Hall together. Cordelia comes over all the time to visit her brothers. She gets to the play the role of a sibling to baby Carstairs, because Alastair truly is his father in everything but blood. She is always helping him get into mischief and insists that bedtimes don’t have to be listened to. Alastair is exasperated by her bad influence, but he is glad that the baby gets to have someone to act like a sibling with. 

-The Merry Thieves are often over as well. They constantly joke that no one would have ever guessed that Thomas of all people would be the first to have a kid. Matthew and Alastair are civil with each other for Thomas’s sake. Christopher often tries to take baby Carstairs into the lab, which is ultimately stopped by Thomas. 

-While it was nothing like what Alastair expected for the future, he couldn’t have been more glad for the family he has. 

This got a little off topic from the sibling part of the headcanon, but it is what it is. 

@alastair-appreciation-month

#alastair carstairs #cordelia x james #baby carstairs #thomas lightwood #thomas x alastair #thomastair #the merry thieves #sophie collins #gideon lightwood #alastember 2022 #alastember

[astriefer]

Thomastair Headcanons - Coming out

Something very uplifting related to this topic inspired me to shape this into a headcanon. (It was first the outline of a fic).

@alastair-appreciation-month

Thomas and Alastair have been together for roughly three months now.

While Thomas and Alastair agreed to keep their feelings and relationship to themselves, they both know they don't won't want to live in the shadows.

So they decide things are serious enough and tell their parents and siblings about the whole "them" situation.

They start with Thomas's family.

They think it's the best shot to get a positive response to their relationship. They knew Cordelia was probably suspicious or assuming about their arrangement, though.

Truly, Thomas believes Sona would react with nothing but kindness too, if not a bit surprised, but Alastair is so nervous about it he goes along.

Alastair is edgy the whole day. Snarky remarks, straightening his vest, and an impressive amount of glares are included to his usual self.

Thomas knows his family would be nothing but supportive if he tells them, but is still hesitant.

They wanted this. Even on their way to their house, they kept repeating it. Because as much as they were terrified, they wanted this more than the world.

They get in and are welcomed warmly inside. Gideon, Sophie and Eugenia are all finishing their lunch. Gideon is giddy to see Alastair, patting his shoulder and sharing a generous smile.

It's all very polite. Until Eugenia asks what brings Alastair there and then they know the hard part is about to start.

Thomas gets them all to sit on the couches in the living room. He stands though, Alastair beside him, which brings some very awkward moments.

"I need your help," Thomas said, breathy, and Alastair frowned. He knew his family looked just as baffled as Alastair was. 

"Alright," he answered. "What is it you need?"

Thomas inhaled weakly before taking a step toward Alastair. Said person paled as his eyes filled with realization.

They kiss in front of Sophie, Gideon, and Eugenia in the Lightwood residence's living room.

They taught Thomas that actions speak louder than words anyway.

It was so hard for them, but the relief they felt afterward was almost greater.

Gideon explains they don't give a damn about who Thomas dates as long as they're good to him. To each other. The last part is added with a soft glance as Alastair.

Sophie hugs them both tightly, with tears in her eyes as she claims they can talk to her about anything.

Alastair has tears in his eyes too, but they all mercifully pretended they are not there. He is glad about it.

Eugenia is her usual self, mostly, cackling jokes and prying into their personal matters. Although they're pretty self-aware, too overjoyed by the acceptance they can't find it in themselves to care.

It got much longer then I intended. Let's just say Alastair and Thomas didn't let go of the the other's hand all the rest of their stay at the Lightwoods.

Except for one time when Thomas goes to fetch some water and Eugenia very fast targets Alastair to persuade him to tell her about Thomas's kissing abilities.

Not sure if it's for all people, but they still felt very awkward after that. Maybe they didn't show up to family dinner that weekend, or afterward. And perhaps they avoided them in the social gathering that week.

But as they let the embarrassment fade away with the gentle care of time, they know they no more need to hide.

#alastair carstairs #thomastair #the last hours #tlh #tsc #chain of iron #chain of gold #thomas lightwood #the shadowhunter chronicles #cordelia carstairs #alastember 2022 #alastair appreciation month #I think it's the first original content I wrote and published in months #I have a lot of it written but I am not sure I have the power to finish it. sad me.

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 18 - Merry Thieves headcanons

Christopher is the first after Thomas to start spending time with Alastair. He only really disliked Alastair because his friends told him too but nowadays Alastair enjoys spending time in the lab with him. Alastair is very good at math and his presence leads to a lot less explosions.

James and Alastair never grow very close but they remain on speaking terms. Whenever they're forced in a social setting together they'll talk about books they've read since that is their only common interest.

Matthew is more difficult and at first Alastair might cause a rift between Matthew and Thomas and between Matthew and Cordelia. Mainly because from Alastair's point of view, Matthew is a danger to them due to his alcoholism and Alastair feels he needs to protect Cordelia in particular from that, but Thomas too.

It takes more time for Matthew to really recover and start working on the underlying issues (which I think might be borderline personality disorder)

As Alastair grows older and starts to recover from his own experience with Elias' alcoholism, he learns to view Matthew's alcoholism more as mental health issue and less as something malicious, and he reaches out to Matthew

At this point, I think they can forgive each other and possibly become friends of sorts, but I think that's going to take more time than just at the end of ChoT

@alastair-appreciation-month

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Christopher Lightwood #James Herondale #Matthew Fairchild #the merry thieves #the last hours #headcanons #alastember 2022

[alastair-appreciation-month]

Alastember 2022

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Welcome To Alastember! A month celebration of Alastair Esfandiyār Carstairs Birthday! Celebrations start September 1st! Here is the schedule:

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Days 1-7: Fanfic week (drabbles and snippets included!)

September 1st: fluff

September 2nd: hurt/comfort

September 3rd: angst

September 4th: romance

September 5th: songfic

September 6th: friendship(s)

September 7th: one night in Alastair’s life

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Days 8-14: AUs Weeks (fanart, edits, moodboard, fics, drabbles, snippets, playlist, really anything)

September 8th: Royal/Fairytale AU

September 9th: Dystopia AU

September 10th: Mythology AU (Greek, Eypyain, Norse etc.)

September 11th: Body Swap/ or Personality swap AU

September 12th: What if…? AU (Ex: what if Cordelia was the big sister? What if Matthew and Alastair were BFF? What if Thomas did ask Alastair why his eyes look so sad?)

September 13th: Soulmate AU

September 14th: Free Choice (any AU of your choice)

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Days 15-21: Headcanon Week (thoughts, ideas, evaluations, etc.)

September 15th: Carstairs siblings (baby Carstairs included if you want!)

September 16th: Thomastair

September 17th: Alastair and Sona/or Risa

September 18th: Alastair and The Merry Thieves (it can be all TMT or individually with Alastair)

September 19th: Alastair and Elias or Charles (gotta add that angst)

September 20th: Alastair and found Fanon family (Kamala, Eugenia, Grace, Christopher)

September 21st: Alastair and free for all! (Anyone you wish for it to be! Example: Jem)

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Days 22-28: Word Prompt Week (fanart, edits, moodboard, fics, drabbles, snippets, playlist, really anything your heart desires)

September 22nd: Liar

September 23rd: Silver

September 24th: Freedom

September 25th: Began

September 26th: Passion

September 27th: Strengh

September 28th: A word you use to describe Alastair

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Days 29-30: Free for All week

September 29/30th: Do anything Alastair inspired! Whatever your heart desires!

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Please note if you don’t post them on the exact date that’s perfectly fine! Still post it! This is just a organized timeline for everyone! 😊

Tagged us @alastair-appreciation-month with your post and use the tags #alastairappreciationmonth2022 and #alastember2022 so we can reblog your beautiful creations!

LMK @life-through-the-eyes-of if you have questions! Or send an ask through this blog!

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Special thanks too @laylax13s @all-for-the-fanfiction @styxdrawings @shadowhuntertrash for helping with this 💕

#alastairappreciationmonth2022 #Alastember2022 #alastember #alastair appreciation month #alastair carstairs #alastair esfandiyar carstairs #chain of gold #chain of thorns #chain of iron #the last hours #tlh #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles

[boredfangirl16]

Alastember: Risa Headcanons

-As a child, even before he knew of his father’s alcoholism, Cordelia was still always favorited. Their father doted on her, even as a baby, often leading Alastair to entertain himself. Sona was a little better, but she also always had set ideas of what the someday “man” of the household should act like and wasn’t ever willing to stick up to Elias. Risa on the other hand was like the parent he never had. 

-When she wasn’t working, she would play games with him and watch to make sure he didn’t hurt himself during training. Alastair always insisted that he wanted to help her cook and clean, so she let him. Of course they kept it a secret from Sona and Elias who wouldn’t see it fit for a little boy. 

-When Cordelia was old enough to play, Alastair spent less time with Risa. He still often came to her when in need for advice or when he needed someone to bandage him up, but the siblings enjoyed playing with someone their own age. Often times they would fight with wooden swords outside, each claiming to be the bearer of Cortana. That is until Alastair discovered the truth of his father’s alcholism. 

-While the siblings were still close, an invisible rift formed between Alastair and Cordelia. His relationship with his parents was worse than ever before, with Elias his burden and Sona his conspirator. Risa was the only one who showed concern for him being late at night frequenting bars to fetch his father. She would often wait near the door and assist him the moment he arrived. There was one time where Alastair couldn’t find Elias and Risa went out searching with him. Elias forbid it from ever happening again, but the little boy was grateful for her help even only once. 

-Of course, she was still a servant in their household, so Risa couldn’t quite be a parent to Alastair. She couldn’t be unprofessional in her job, but she did the best she could to make Alastair’s life easier. 

-The understanding they came to was that if Alastair ever came to her for help, she would, but she couldn’t probe him about what was going on his life. There were days he wished that she could, but he also knew she had a job to keep. While he rarely outright said his problems, he would often claim as friend of his was going through a situation and asks her for advice on it. They both knew who he was talking about, but he hated feeling weak and asking for help. 

-She knew some of what happened at the Academy and the bullying that he endured. While he never outright said what he did to stop it, she was able to infer his actions. Risa never judged him, only tried to guide him in the right direction. For he didn’t need to someone to scold him, but a shoulder to lean on. 

-He told her that he was seeing someone, but that couldn’t tell anyone when him and Charles started dating. At first Risa was thrilled that he found happiness, but as time went on she started to question whether Alastair was being treated right. She tried to get him to talk about his relationship problems, but he would always insist that everything was fine. Risa guessed it was a man, but didn’t know who until they moved to London. She was the one to console him when he sent that letter to Charles breaking it off. Sona was still clueless about the whole matter and never seemed to even notice when Alastair stopped sneaking out at night. 

-Risa had thought that Thomas would be a good fit for Alastair, since he came over that one night after Elias died. She knew he was the type of man that Alastair deserved, not someone like Charles. 

-When Alastair and Thomas move into Cirenworth Hall with baby Carstairs, they kept Risa as staff. He couldn’t bear to let her go after so many years and she was delighted to help out Alastair and his new family. 

Oops I posted this for the wrong day, but it is what it is. 

@alastair-appreciation-month

#alastair carstairs #risa #sona carstairs #elias carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #thomas lightwood #charles fairchild #thomas x alastair #thomastair #alastember 2022 #alastember

[boredfangirl16]

Alastember: Charles headcanons

-During the winter break of Alastair’s first year at the Shadowhunter Academy, his family went to a party where the Lightwoods, Herondales, and Fairchilds were all in attendance. Alastair was sulking in the back of the room when he was approached by Charles. It was the first time anyone sought him out to do anything, but insult them. They spoke for an hour or two that evening and planned to write to each other. 

-Alastair was absolutely thrilled at the prospect of a friend even if he was at first wary and wrote half a dozen drafts of his first letter to the other man. He did it in the wee hours of the night, so that his roommate wouldn’t know and weaponize it against him. He sent it and didn’t get a response for two weeks. He started to think he really was just a fool until a response finally came. They wrote to each other the rest of that year and the next. 

-While Charles never directly knew what happened to Alastair at the Academy, he put ideas of how the world worked into the younger boy’s mind. He spoke of how people needed to owe him and fear him, to gain their respect. In fact, he was the one to gift Alastair, The Prince. 

-During the summer that Cordelia stayed with James due to his sickness, Alastair was supposedly with Pounceby, but he was really only there for half of the time. He spent the rest with Charles in one of the Fairchild residences that wasn’t used in Idris. It was there, that their friendship became something more. Alastair stopped them from doing anything more than kissing. 

-Later on, he was invited to do his travel year in Paris with Charles as the head of the Institute. Alastair has been so excited to get to spend a whole year with his boyfriend. The first day he was there, he was given a ornate dagger from the man. In fact, he was often given expensive gifts especially when they were in a fight. But Alastair believed that he was in love. Everything seemed to be perfect in the world when he was with Charles. 

-He spent the year either in the Institute, on patrol, or in Charles’s secret apartment. Of course except for the one day he met Thomas. He spent every morning training, the afternoons on patrol, and the evenings at the apartment. He would have to leave in the dead of night, so that there wasn’t any suspicion raised. At first it was exhilarating to be kept as a secret. It was exhilarating to have sex with the son of the Consul, when he was absolutely no one. Alastair was his and he was Alastair’s. That was until Charles announced his engagement to Ariadne. 

-Alastair was so mad at him, that he nearly broke things off. It wasn’t until Charles guilted and belittled him that he decided to stay. After all, without Charles he had nothing. They both knew that. So he stayed. 

-Moving to London seemed like a good thing for the sole reason that Alastair could spend more time with his boyfriend. It was the only reason he didn’t adamantly protest the move. He thought that things might have been different and that Charles might’ve wanted him as more than a body to fuck and a mouth to spew his praise, but he was wrong. Yet he had nothing else. It wasn’t until Cordelia told him he deserved better that it had ever crossed his mind.

-After the events of CoI, Alastair went back to Charles. There was a time when he thought he might’ve deserved more, but he now knew it wasn’t true. Thomas was far too good for him and some love was better than none. Besides, Charles treated him a little better. He no longer had to leave late at night or sneak in through the back door. It was what Alastair deserved. He wasn’t meant to be loved unconditionally, he was not a good person. At least that’s what he believed.  

@alastair-appreciation-month

#alastair carstairs #charles fairchild #alastair x charles #Anti-Charles #chain of thorns #alastember 2022 #alastember #tlh #the last hours

[boredfangirl16]

Alastember: thomastair headcanons

-Even after they get together, Alastair often doubts if he is good enough for Thomas. They have many arguments in the beginning of their relationship over this and many other things. While both of their family and friends were overall supportive, Alastair avoided the Thieves at all costs early on in their relationship. Thomas tried to breach the gap, but it didn’t work until one day he locked Alastair and Matthew in a room together. Neither ever spoke of what went down inside, but afterwards they were polite with each other. 

-Honestly the entire beginning of their relationship was rocky. Given Alastair had to raise his younger brother, it put a strain on them. There was no honeymoon phase because they were constantly looking after a child whom they didn’t quite know how to care for. Yet it was never enough to pul them apart. 

-Then Cordelia started scheming with the parents to let Alastair and Thomas get away on a long deserved break while they looked after baby Carstairs. Alastair was hesitant to say the least, but he was convinced that it would good for the both of them. To no one’s surprise they decided to go to Paris. The did all the things they did the first time and more. After the two week vacation the couple had never been happier. 

-A year after the birth of baby Carstairs, they decided to move into Cirenworth Hall together. They redid many of the rooms and truly made the house their own. It became yet another gathering place for the Thieves and company to visit, only it was more appealing than Curzon Street because there was an adorable baby that would smile and take their fingers.

-Many times Thomas had tried to initiate sex with Alastair, but he always turned him down. Of course Thomas respected this and never demanded anything from the other man, but he was also curious if he was doing something wrong, or if it was something Alastair would never be interested in. One day he asked him and Alastair explained how his relationship with Charles became purely physical after they did it the first time and he was scared that it would be the same with Thomas. Thomas’s heart broke at Alastair’s words and he assured him that would never happen, but that if he never wanted to it, it was completely alright as well. They eventually did do it and all of Alastair’s worries left when he saw how Thomas treated him.

-They got married a few years in, with their friends and family in attendance. It was not an official ceremony before the Clave, but it was meaningful none the less. The pair exchanged their runes and said their vows just as any other couple would. 

-As the baby grew older, they both taught him how to fight with their respective weapons. He was quite good with both bolas and spears. Alastair also gifted him one of his favorite daggers after his first rune ceremony. The young Carstairs was thrilled to have something so precious to his father. 

-One day, Thomas and their son went on a walk around London and came across Charles’s new home that he bought for his wife and young child. Knowing his kid had a mischievous side because of Cordelia, Thomas decided to take him to get some tomatoes and they threw them at the Charles’s window.  They kept it a secret for weeks until Alastair heard of the incident at some Clave meeting and confronted them about it. Both his husband and son doubled over in laughter and Alastair only rolled his eyes. Secretly he was grateful for the gesture. 

-Years later, they adopted a little shadowhunter girl who had been orphaned during a demon attack. She brought joy once again in their household, after their son had moved out when he came of age. 

-Their family was not orthodox in any way, but Alastair and Thomas loved each other enough to keep an entire family happy. And while history books said they were merely good friends and business partners, anyone alive at the time knew their love was true. 

@alastair-appreciation-month

#alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #thomas x alastair #thomastair #alastember 2022 #alastember #tlh #the last hours

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 17 - Alastair & Sona & Risa headcanons

Alastair was closer to his mother than his before even when he was little and did not yet know about Elias' alcoholism. He was a little more withdrawn than Cordelia and was the kind of child who usually stayed near his mother

Sona always kind of told herself that Alastair was strong and was the man of the house and could handle all these responsibilities. Now that she realizes she was wrong, she really struggles with repairing her bond with him and is trying to protect him in a way she never did before

Alastair doesn't quite know what to do with his mother's new protectiveness and he feels a little too old for that.

However, he does want to keep his mother in his life and is looking for a way to make it work

Sona goes to Sophie for advice on how to repair her relationship with Alastair. Sophie already knows Alastair quite well at this point and is able to help them both figure it out

@alastair-appreciation-month

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastair Carstairs #Sona Carstairs #headcanons #the last hours #tlh #alastember 2022

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 3 - angst

For day 3, I've chosen an idea that I had for a while. To explain the setting, it is modern, but with magic that resembles the Flowers Bloom universe more than the shadowhunter one. (If you haven't read @flowersbloomuntiltheyrot you can read it here)

The magic isn't super important to the story except that it allowed me to keep Matthew buying that potion in the story, while also setting it in a modern mental hospital with modern mundane treatment. At the end I'll give a little more medical informations on what I've written.

Cw: suicide attempt, blood, mental hospital, depictions of mental illness, depictions of PTSD, depictions of borderline personality disorder, mentions of medication

@alastair-appreciation-month

Alastair had never intended to wake up again, and yet when he opened his eyes he was quite certain he was alive. He wasn’t sure what was happening at first, nor where he was. There was an IV in his right hand, and his wrists were bound in bandages.

‘Where am I?’ he whispered.

‘You’re in the hospital emergency room, Mr Carstairs,’ said a woman dressed in a short white coat. ‘How are you feeling?’

Alastair wondered how the woman knew his name but he guessed someone must have told them. He tried to remember what could have happened. It was rather horrifying, the way he’d stared at the heavy flow of his own blood before losing consciousness.

‘Rather lightheaded,’ Alastair said. ‘And my wrists hurt. But other than that I feel fine.’

The nurse nodded, but Alastair didn’t think she believed him. She was probably right, nothing he had done indicated he was fine. He wasn’t sure how he felt about being still here. Who had found him anyway? Thomas wasn’t supposed to come home anytime soon. In retrospect, trying to end his life at home had been a bad idea, he wouldn’t have wanted Thomas to find him at all. Alastair sighed, the last thing he’d wanted was to hurt Thomas, but he knew he was hurting Thomas by just existing. He knew he was nothing but a burden on the man he loved. Dying had seemed the right thing to do.

Thomas walked in, his eyes red with tears and Alastair dreaded what he would say. Could Alastair say he was sorry? He wasn’t so sure if he was.

‘Thank the angel you’re alive,’ Thomas said softly. ‘I was home just in time to stop the bleeding.’

Thomas was a doctor and magic healer, and Alastair guessed he must have used magic to stop the bleeding.

‘Why were you so early?’

‘I had the feeling something was off,’ Thomas said. ‘You’d been acting different lately, and this morning… I finished my work quickly so I could come home, and then I found you. Alastair, why? I knew you were struggling lately, but if I’d realized it was so bad...’

‘It’s not your fault,’ Alastair said. ‘You did everything you could, but I’m just not worth it. I didn’t want us to spend the rest of our lives with me being such a burden on you. I didn’t want to ruin your life.’

‘You’re not ruining my life, and I don’t mind taking care of you at all,’ Thomas said, wiping at his eyes. ‘You need more help than I can give you, and that’s okay. I’m glad you’re still here.’

‘I’m not sure if I am,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m not sure I can feel much of anything.’

He’d been doing so well for the past couple of years, studying at the magic university. Alastair had chosen to specialize in potions, and he’d always been at the top of his class. Thomas had chosen to specialize in medicine and healing magic and had graduated as a doctor a couple of months ago. Alastair himself had graduated in potions, had done a second master to widen his expertise, and then he’d gotten a job, which he guessed was where the problems had begun. He’d started working for a potion making company and had gotten fired after he’d had an emotional break down at work. He still had them sometimes, and had learnt to better deal with them, but this time his boss had seen and determined no one wanted someone like him to work for them. They’d claimed he was uncommunicative and not a team player, but why did an expert potion maker need to be a team player?

 Eugenia had recommended he sue the company for discrimination, but Alastair didn’t think it was worth the time, effort and money. Instead, he’d spent some time at home and had started looking at different jobs in potion making, but in the few months he’d tried, he hadn’t gotten hired.

He knew it was a silly thing to be so upset over, but at the same time it confirmed what he’d always expected, that he was too useless and broken to function in the real world. That it didn’t matter that he was smart or good at potions, because if he couldn’t keep his PTSD under control no one would want him. Financially, they’d been fine but Alastair had felt so awful and guilty for relying on Thomas’ income.

‘I know it’s hard,’ Thomas said. ‘But I believe in you.’

‘I want to feel better,’ Alastair said softly.

‘And you will. But that’s going to take time. I heard the on call psychiatrist is on her way to assess you, so I guess we’ll know more afterwards.’

The biggest thing right now was probably the risk of Alastair attempting suicide again, and he was expecting he’d have to stay in a mental hospital for a while. It was not something he was looking forward to, but he knew he needed more intensive treatment.

Alastair stayed in the MPU for a couple of days until he had recovered enough somatically to go to a different mental hospital. The hospital’s psychiatry ward was highly specialized in depression and psychosis, and less in Alastair’s c-PTSD, so this different hospital was likely a better place for him.

He’d never been in a psychiatry ward before, all the treatment he’d received so far had been out patient. Alastair had always been determined to keep it that way, it seemed he had failed. In a mental hospital, it turned out, he was given a schedule for at least parts of the day with different types of “therapy”. Today he’d been assigned to creative therapy, which basically meant drawing.

Although Alastair hadn’t often made the time for drawing, it was something he enjoyed and he didn’t mind so much he’d been assigned to creative therapy. It didn’t really matter if it was any good, it was more to keep people busy with activities they could still handle while severely ill. He hadn’t yet spoken much to other patients but it seemed like they had a variety of disorders.

The afternoon was less scheduled, and was usually when people had individual therapy, but he hadn’t been scheduled for anything today. He went to the living room instead, wondering how he was going to get through the day. Alastair didn’t like it when he got bored. Perhaps he could ask Thomas to bring him some books when he next visited.

There was a man sitting in the middle of the living room, surrounded by other patients. Something about him immediately put Alastair off, the way he was preaching to them as if he more interesting and brilliant than anyone else in this place. Then he recognized the man. Someone he had not seen in years. What were the odds he would be admitted to the same psychiatry ward as Matthew Fairchild?

Alastair sat down in the corner of the living room with a book he’d found in the bookcase there. There weren’t a lot of options and he’d picked out a very battered copy of the Picture of Dorian Gray. He’d read it for school in his teens and he’d hated it, but perhaps now that he was older he’d view it differently.

‘Another Oscar Wilde fan?’

Alastair looked up from his book, annoyed at the interruption, and looked straight into the green eyes of Matthew Fairchild.

‘Alastair?’ Matthew sounded like he was in a complete shock. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I don’t see how that’s any of your business.’

‘No, I guess not,’ Matthew said.

‘Congratulations, that single statement showed more self awareness than I’ve seen from you in the entire time I’ve known you.’

‘There’s this thing called therapy,’ Matthew said. ‘You should try it sometime. I’m glad to see your taste in literature has improved somewhat.’

‘You’re still obsessed with Oscar Wilde, then?’

‘Of course I am. I would explain, but then you’ve never been one to enjoy the finer things in life.’

Alastair rolled his eyes. Matthew couldn’t be farther from the truth, just because he’d hated Oscar Wilde when he was a teen didn’t mean he didn’t have taste.

‘Is there anything else you wanted, or can I read my book in peace?’

‘No, I don’t think so,’ Matthew said and he walked out of the living room.  

Alastair spent the rest of the week on the sidelines, keeping mostly to himself as he’d always done. He could barely motivate himself to do anything and even reading didn’t bring him the pleasure it normally did. Matthew remained much the same, making himself the center of attention and sharing his stories and “wisdom”. Matthew didn’t bother him much, but the idea of him being here made Alastair anxious. Was he planning anything? Did he want revenge?

It had taken Alastair a long time to forgive himself after he’d learnt his part in Matthew’s demise. He’d learnt to accept that while spreading those rumors was wrong, he had not forced Matthew to buy a potion at the night market to force his mother to tell him the truth. That was Matthew’s decision. But the last time Alastair had seen Matthew, Matthew had still placed all the blame on him. He’d made Alastair into this monster who would harm anyone he touched and had failed to see that Matthew himself had been that monster.

‘Still not finished with Oscar Wilde?’ Matthew asked after about a week.

‘I’m rereading,’ Alastair said. ‘I already finished every book they have here.’

‘I wasn’t going to ask you why you’re here, but I have decided to ask you something else instead,’ Matthew said.

‘Here we go.’

‘Did it make you feel better when you ruined my life?’

Alastair sighed. ‘It was your decision to buy that potion, Matthew. I am sorry for spreading those rumors, but I am not responsible for every bad decision you made afterwards. Please leave me alone.’

‘That is not what I mean,’ Matthew said. ‘And while I’m not sure I can forgive the rumors, I know my decisions were mine. But because of you I was abandoned by all my friends. Because of you, I lost Thomas, Cordelia, and eventually even James and Lucie.’

He had done that. At the time, it had seemed like the right decision. Now he wasn’t so sure. The problems had started when Alastair and Thomas had decided to make their relationship public. Before, Alastair had refused Thomas, had kept away from him because he’d feared ruining Thomas’ social life. Thomas had kept trying, had convinced Alastair that if his friends really cared for him, they would accept them. And James had. Christopher had, and had become one of Alastair’s closest friends. But Matthew had not. Matthew had lashed out against Thomas, against Alastair, against anyone who did not see things the way he did. And not long before, he’d taken Cordelia to Paris without anyone knowing where they had gone. He'd confessed his love to her, there. When she’d rejected him, he’d gotten so drunk in a pub somewhere she’d had to search the city for him to drag him back to the hotel.

Perhaps Matthew had been sick. Perhaps he’d needed help more than anything, but at the time Alastair had viewed him as another version of his father. An alcoholic who destroyed every life he touched. A threat to the people Alastair loved, to Cordelia and to Thomas. And he’d told Matthew to stay away from them. He’d told Matthew he was ruining their lives and that he needed to leave. Matthew had. That had been the last time Alastair had seen him.

‘I did what I believed I had to do to protect my family,’ Alastair said. ‘I understand now you never meant to hurt Cordelia, but you did hurt her. I didn’t think there was a possibility for you to stop drinking.’

‘You were wrong,’ Matthew said. ‘I did stop drinking, I went to a detox center and everything. But by then it was too late and I’d already lost everyone.’

‘I’m glad you stopped drinking, I really am. But at the time, I did not believe that was possible.’

Alastair wasn’t sure he could explain why. How could he explain that to him, Matthew had been another Elias? Did he understand how devastated Cordelia had been after Paris? How she’d been forced to do something Alastair had always shielded her from until that day?

‘Cordelia told me about your father,’ Matthew said after a pause. ‘You think I’m like him.’

‘I used to. Now, I don’t know you anymore.’

Matthew sat down on a chair opposite of him, and Alastair wondered why. Couldn’t he just leave him alone? Alastair wasn’t sure if he could still summon his old anger, his old cruelty anymore. Everything just felt gone and empty, like he was a shell going through the motions of his day. He’d started on mirtazapine, but he’d only started feeling worse. Unfortunately, that was the reality of antidepressants. It took four to six weeks for them to start working, and it had to get worse before it got better.

‘I guess I did hurt Cordelia. And I understand she didn’t want to see me anymore after. I just don’t get why James left too. He was my best friend. Are he and Cordelia still together? Are they happy?’

‘They’re happy, but not together. Cordelia is with Lucie now. James was single last time I heard, but I think he’s happy working as a literary agent.’

Mathew blinked. ‘Cordelia is with Lucie?’

‘Yes. Cordelia realized she was bi a few years ago, and Lucie always sort of liked her,’ Alastair said. ‘Lucie is a published author, maybe we could ask her to donate a copy of her book to the ward, that should give us something to do. Cordelia works to prevent and mitigate magic disasters. Thomas is a doctor with training in magic.’

‘So are you and Thomas still together?’

‘We are. He’s actually coming to visit me this afternoon, but I could ask him if he’d like to speak to you too.’

Thomas had felt guilty after Matthew had left. Alastair had eased his worried, had told him that Matthew had made his choice and that Thomas did not need to sacrifice himself for Matthew’s sake. Perhaps Thomas would like to reconnect. Alastair wasn’t sure if he and Matthew were ever going to be friends, but he had wronged Matthew. He should at least try to make this right.

Matthew buried his face in his hands. ‘I don’t know. Maybe. I’m not sure he’d even want to see me anymore.’

‘Thomas is far more forgiving than either of us,’ Alastair said. ‘And I don’t think you’re a threat to him anymore, so if he’s willing to give you a chance I don’t see a problem. How much longer do you expect to be here anyway?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. One or two weeks? I’m doing a lot better than when I came here, and I have gone home during the weekends. That is a privilege you get later. I take it you don’t have a lot of freedom yet?’

‘Not really,’ Alastair said.

While he knew he needed the structure and safety of the hospitalization, the lack of freedom could be frightening, not to mention humiliating. Not long ago he’d been a functioning adult and now he couldn’t go outside without supervision. He understood why, they were worried he might attempt suicide again.

‘It gets a lot better when you get more freedom,’ Matthew said. ‘I could barely do anything at first, but then I was doing a lot of weird shit. The thing is, when you do something self destructive here all the other patients feel sorry for you and shower you with attention.’

‘You’ve always liked being in the middle of the attention.’

‘Doesn’t everyone?’

‘I don’t. I generally dislike being around other people and would rather they leave me alone.’

‘Oh, well. I guess that makes it a lot more difficult here, since you’re around other people all the time.’

Part of Alastair couldn’t wait to be back home with Thomas. Part of him was glad that at least now he wasn’t being a burden on Thomas. And he knew he wasn’t ready, and wouldn’t be for some time. Another three weeks at least until his medication even started working.

‘I can’t say I like it much,’ Alastair said. ‘But so far you’re drawing everyone’s attention away from me.’

‘I’m simply that charming.’

‘Sure.’

‘If you’re looking for suggestions for your day program, I would recommend badminton, it’s fun. I would not recommend yoga, the lady that teaches the class is weird as hell.’

‘You can request a different schedule?’

‘To some extent. You can’t do nothing, because that is not helpful for recovery, but you can request certain activities. Also, if you refrain from doing anything weird of self destructive, they’ll let you go into the gardens by yourself a lot sooner than they did for me.’

‘I have no intention of doing anything weird, I think that’s your domain.’

Matthew shrugged. ‘I guess. That’s borderline personality disorder for you, or at least for me it is. When your emotions are constantly out of control, you’d do anything you can think of to make it better. The psychiatrist describes emotional flow as a river, and with borderline it’s more like a very volatile and rapid river with the occasional waterfall. It never stops, it’s exhausting.’

Alastair wasn’t sure he understood completely, but perhaps for Matthew that had been the reason for his drinking. He hadn’t known that, that there was a reason. He’d never known why his father was a drunk.

‘I guess that makes sense,’ Alastair said. ‘Did they help you here?’

When he’d tried to die, it had seemed the logical decision, the best outcome for everyone involved. Now he didn’t think the choice had been so rational at all. Nevertheless, Alastair often struggled with identifying emotions and allowing himself to feel them. If his emotions were a river, it wasn’t a rapid one. It was frozen.

‘Mostly through individual therapy,’ Matthew said. ‘Although medication helps too. Makes me less impulsive. But what I really had to learn was find better ways to cope with my emotions. That’s still a work in progress.’

Alastair had a different kind of disorder, but perhaps if they’d been able to help Matthew with his problems here, they’d be able to help Alastair too. He’d had individual therapy too, but it seemed like they were mostly waiting for the mirtazapine to start working.

‘What kind of medication did they give you?’

‘Risperidone, in a low dose,’ Matthew said.

Alastair didn’t know what risperidone was, he’d have to ask Thomas.

‘I take mirtazapine, but so far mostly side effects. It does help me sleep though.’

At first he’d taken medication in the morning, but that had made him so sleepy they’d soon switched to the evening.

‘Risperidone does that too,’ Matthew said. ‘Fortunately, I’m on a very low dose. You don’t want to know what it does to people in a normal dose.’

‘No, I don’t think I do,’ Alastair said.

A nurse walked over to the both of them. ‘Mr. Carstairs? Your partner came to visit you.’

‘See you later,’ Alastair said as he stood up.

The MPU is a medical psychiatric unit in a hospital. This is where patients sometimes go after a suicide attempt when they still need care for somatic issues (sometimes but not always due to the suicide attempt) but also need psychiatric care. If you no longer need somatic care, you'd go to a different mental health ward or even a different hospital depending on where they have place and the right care. Alastair in this case already has c-PTSD, and something like getting fired and everything that happened around this is something that could make it a lot worse, but the current issue could also be explained by a comordid depression. Difficult to differentiate between the two. Mirtazapine is the medication Alastair started on. This is a tetracyclic antidepressant (different group than the more common TCA such as amitryptiline, which is a tricyclic antidepressant, but similar to these). Mirtazapine is an antidepressant that's especially effective for PTSD and often improves people's sleep and helps them have less nightmares. First choice of treatment for PTSD is still EMDR or other psychotherapy aimed at trauma, but mirtazapine or paroxetine can be helpful in some cases. Like almost all antidepressants, mirtazapine takes about 4-6 weeks to start working and symptoms of depression might worsen the first two weeks. Side effects occur earlier. Matthew has been written as having borderline, which I think is likely based on his behavior and the limited POV we have in the books. Borderline is a heavily stigmatized mental illness, and is characterized by instability of moods and self esteem, with generally a low self esteem and high impulsivity. People with borderline often have experienced trauma at a young age, I am not 100% sure how to fit that with Matthew, but I do think Matthew might have needed more attention when he was young. Lots of self destructive behavior is maladaptive coping. Borderline can be treated, and like with PTSD the primary treatment is psychotherapy to teach patients (and the people around them) more about their disorder and how it affects them and help to find better ways of coping with mood instability. Sometimes there is also a reason for medication. Low dose antipsychotics can help with impulsivity. Considering the history of alcoholism, impulsivity is something Matthew struggles with. Antidepressants sometimes help with the unstable moods. Risperidone is a second generation antipsychotic, which I think would be the first choice if you were to give someone a low dose antipsychotic. However, due to side effects I would be careful with prescribing antipsychotics to people who do not have a psychotic disorder and stop them when no longer needed. Things like creative therapy, yoga, or playing badminton are really activities for patients in mental hospitals (at least the ones I have experience with as a medical student). The reason for this is that day structure is important and people with severe depression or psychosis often aren't yet ready for psychotherapy or even more complex activities. I think this is not necessarily the case for Alastair or Matthew here, but they'd still participate in those activities. If there are any more questions or corrections, feel free to let me know! Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul

#Alastair Carstairs #Matthew Fairchild #Thomas Lightwood #alastember 2022 #the last hours #fanfiction

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 1 - fluff

I'm trying to write something for every day of Alastember, no guarantees yet that I will succeed but I'm trying. For today, I wrote a little fluffy piece set in a modern AU with no magic, Thomas as a doctor and Alastair as a PhD student.

@alastair-appreciation-month

‘You really can’t resist showing anyone that ring, can you?’ Thomas’ tone was light, teasing.

‘It is a beautiful ring,’ Alastair commented.

The two of them were at home, just finished doing the dishes, and on the couch. Alastair liked their evenings together. Thomas was often busy at work, but unless he had evening shifts they often spent their evenings together like this. This week, he had night shifts and he’d slept most of the morning.

Thomas put his hand on Alastair’s cheek. ‘And you want people to know we’re engaged.’

‘And what if I do?’

‘I don’t mind,’ Thomas said, kissing Alastair on the cheek. ‘I like it. I like how you’re not scared to show anyone that we belong together. That we’re going to be married.’

Thomas had proposed a week ago. Alastair had just made his deadline for his PhD and they were going out for dinner to celebrate at Risa’s restaurant. Alastair had not expected the proposal at all. They’d spoken about getting married, had discussed their ideas of what their future would be like, but Alastair had never expected Thomas to work out a proposal so soon. Thomas had given him the Lightwood family ring, the same ring Sophie Lightwood had worn before marrying Gideon, and somehow it felt more special than a new ring. Thomas really wanted him to be a part of his family.

‘I never wanted us to be a secret,’ Alastair murmured. ‘Besides, it was completely worth the reaction on Matthew’s face when I showed him the ring.’

‘He’s still not over it, is he?’

‘He’s getting there. And now that I’ve made my deadline and am waiting for a response, I don’t have much else to do.’

Alastair’s work weeks were sometimes exceptionally long, and sometimes rather short, depending on how much work he had to do, when his next deadline was. It could be stressful, but Alastair found he was managing well enough. It helped that he often had deadlines to work toward, and when he’d made one he could relax for a bit. It also helped that Thomas took care of him when he was busy, sending him pictures of his lunch to hint that Alastair should take a break to eat as well and cooking the most delicious meals when he came home. Otherwise Alastair might forget to eat at all.

‘I think I’m going to take another nap before work,’ Thomas said. ‘Do you want to join me?’

Thomas had two more night shifts to go and he was exhausted. Fortunately, a week of night shifts meant he’d be free all week next week, and he’d taken the week after off too so they could go on a vacation together.

‘Of course,’ Alastair said.

It was a little early to go to bed, but Thomas needed the extra rest and he figured they could make out a little before Thomas fell asleep.

‘You set an alarm clock, right?’ Alastair asked when they reached the bedroom, worried Thomas might oversleep and be late for his night shift.

‘Yes,’ Thomas said. ‘And it’s very loud, so sorry in advance for waking you too.’

‘That’s alright, at that point I’ll be either awake or in the middle of a nightmare,’ Alastair said.

With years of extensive therapy, EMDR, and paroxetine, Alastair would consider his PTSD relatively well under control, but nightmares were something that had never really gone away. It was fine, though, Alastair was fine. He was happy.

He changed into his pajamas and crawled into bed next to Thomas. Alastair had missed going to bed with him this week. They didn’t always have sex before going to bed, but they did always spend some time cuddling and kissing each other.

‘Come here,’ Thomas murmured when he was in bed too, and Alastair happily obliged, finding a comfortable position in Thomas’ arms.

Thomas kissed him, first on his cheek, and then on his mouth, his fingers running through Alastair’s hair.

‘I love you,’ Thomas whispered in between kisses.

‘Love you too.’

Alastair fell asleep in Thomas’ arms eventually, and startled awake when Thomas’ alarm clock went off. He was confused what was happening for a moment until he remembered Thomas had a night shift and he had to go.

Thomas shot out of bed and started changing.

‘Good luck with your shift, dr. Lightwood,’ Alastair said.

‘Try not to miss me too much,’ Thomas said. ‘Hedgehog can keep you company.’

Thomas threw a plush hedgehog at Alastair, which landed against his chest. It had been a birthday gift a few years ago and Hedgehog still had his place in their bed. Alastair liked holding it against him before falling asleep.  

‘I intend to sleep through you being gone. I’ll see you in the morning.’

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Thomastair #Alastember 2022 #the last hours #fanfiction

[boredfangirl16]

Forced Confessions

Sept 2 of Alastember: Hurt/Comfort

TW: forced coming out 

���Why were you following Thomas Lightwood on the night of the murder?” Asks the Inquisitor. 

Alastair is bending under the weight of the Mortal Sword. It’s painful to hold even if he is speaking the truth. Let alone when he tries to answer a question like the one just presented to him without saying anything about his feelings for the other man. 

“I wanted to protect him,” Alastair says in the steadiest voice he can muster. His chin is tilted upwards and all signs of pain in his face disappear. “Is it not our job to protect fellow shadowhunters?”

The audience to this interrogation includes not only the inquisitor and the consul, but Will Herondale, Tessa Gray, Gideon Lightwood, Sophie Collins, and Eugenia Lightwood. Before the Mortal Sword arrived, Leviathan attacked. The battle had ended less than a mere hour ago, but the people are on edge, so the questioning started as soon as possible. Thankfully because of this, it is an impromptu questioning and doesn’t warrant all of the esteemed members of the Clave. Not that he cares about the majority of them, only one persistent red head. He doesn’t know what he would say under this influence with Charles before him. 

“A noble reason,” the Consul nods. “But I must inquire how you knew of his secret patrols or why you thought this night in particular he would be in danger?”

“I was on a walk late one Thursday night and saw him out and about by himself. After a few weeks I noticed there was a pattern to the days he went out and followed him each opportunity I could,” Alastair says dragging out each of his words. He hates the way the sword makes him speak. ”I had no clue that this night in particular he would be in danger. I’ve been following him for weeks.”

Eyebrows raise, but no one comments on how strange of a confession that was. He doesn’t dare to look at Thomas. 

“And you didn’t inform his family or friends of his whereabouts? Or the Clave of his reckless behavior? Why?” The Inquisitor questions with a harsh voice. 

“I am not on particularly good terms with his friends nor his family,” Alastair pushes out. It was the closest to lying that the sword would allow him. “I did not want the Clave to punish him for actions with noble intent.”

“You are not on good terms with his friends or family, yet you followed him for weeks. What compelled you to do such a thing?” The Inquisitor asks. He can answer that vaguely. It was worded in such a way that he just may be able to avoid certain answers. “What is your relationship to Thomas Lightwood?” Bloody hell. 

Alastair has only a moment to hold back his words and he takes that time to look at Thomas. His face has gone sheet white. He knows the implications of that last question as much as Alastair himself does. The only thing he can do is save Thomas from any incrimination. Alastair’s fate was sealed the moment the question was asked, but Thomas’s doesn’t have to be. 

“I have romantic feelings for Thomas Lightwood,” he says as he closes his eyes. The sword keeps pulling at him and words just flow from his mouth. “Our relationship is complicated given—.”

“That is enough, Alastair Carstairs,” says the consul, interrupting whatever damning thing he was about to say about their relationship. He still doesn’t open his eyes. “This questioning has moved onto unrelated matters. Based on the answers to the questions we have presented, I can conclude that both Thomas Lightwood and Alastair Carstairs are innocent in the crime of the London serial killings.”

The sword is heavy, but no longer pulls at him. It is a small relief, but given his confession it does little to ease the queasiness in the pit of his stomach. He may not have wanted to be anyone’s secret, but this is not the way he wanted this to go about. His choice was ripped away from him by that damned sword and there was not a thing he could do to stop it. 

Alastair finally opens his eyes to see he faces of the onlookers to this trial. The consul looks just slightly remorseful, as if she actually feels bad about the whole thing. The Herondales look mildly surprised, but there is glint to Will’s eyes that tells Alastair he isn’t all that shocked. Eugenia’s eyes dart between the boys as if she could determine what is between them by look alone. Thomas’s parents have wide eyes and open mouths. Yet it is the inquisitor that truly frightens Alastair. If he wasn’t in attendance today, there might’ve been a small chance that his secret would have never let the people in this room. The look on Bridgestock’s face tells him that won’t be true. 

“Are we excused?” Alastair asks. The sword still sitting in his hands like a rock anchoring him to this room. 

“Yes,” the consul says. “You are both excused.”

She walks over to take the sword from his hands and Alastair darts out of the room the minute it is gone.

Before he is out of earshot he does hear the inquisitor say, “We can’t just let him go. He admitted under the sword that is one of those vile bohemians—.”

Alastair runs out of the institute. He runs down the streets. He doesn’t even bother to rune himself, so that mundane don’t see him. All he can do is hold in the tears that threaten to come at any moment. All that he did and sacrificed his childhood for, has been ruined. The Carstairs name wasn’t defiled by Elias’s drinking problem, but by Alastair’s own preferences. This world is cruel and unfair in ways that Alastair has been dealing with since he was nine years old. Yet each time that it hurts him, he is surprised all the same. 

He darts into the Carstairs home and locks the door behind him. There is no one here, but him. His mother and Risa are in the silent city, which is a small blessing. They won’t be pestering him about the day’s trial. Cordelia has a husband and will be doing well at their new home. There is no reason she should visit him here. 

So, he lets down all his walls and sobs. He falls against the door like a small child, curling into himself. Tears run down his face as his breathe hiccups at the extent of his pain. There is no one here to judge him for doing such a thing. No one to tell him that it isn’t manly to cry or feel anything other than anger. He screams. Again and again and again. 

He does one good thing, one selfless thing and this is what he gets in return. All he wanted to do was save Thomas from his own idiotic actions. He just didn’t want him to die. Now look at him. He’s about to be outcasted to the fringes of society, even more so than he already was. Not only is he a Persian man, but of course he also has to be gay. It wasn’t like he already had enough setting him apart from others. 

Yet what really hurts is that he didn’t get a choice. It was taken from him in an instant. The news will spread like wildfire and the entire London Enclave will know of his feelings for Thomas. What hell will the Thieves release upon him at that news? It is all so frustrating. It is all so impossible. Is it so much to ask that if he was to ever tell others, he would have wished to do it on his own time? That he wanted to sit down with his maman and Risa, explaining his feelings for someone he is forbidden to love. None of that could ever come to fruition. 

His breathe stills for a moment as an ‘unless’ starts to creep into his mind. 

Alastair looks up from his spot on the floor and at the clock on the wall. It’s been a good few hours since he arrived. It may be late, but the silent brothers don’t have strict hours of business. News won’t travel down there as fast as it does here. There is still a chance he could get to his maman and tell her himself. It isn’t ideal, but it’s the closest he’ll get to having a choice in the matter. 

He looks down at his torn clothes. That won’t do. 

As quick as he can Alastair changes into new pants, a white button up, and a decent waistcoat. It’s nothing flashy, but he no longer looks as if he was just attacked by demons. He runs his hands through his hair in an attempt to get it to clam down just a little. It’s still strange seeing it black after he dyed it for the past or so. He still isn’t quite sure if he likes it better or not, but he knows he can’t run forever. He can’t run from the color of his skin, and he can’t run from his taste in men. Better to confront the problem than let it fester for any longer. 

He dashed down the stairs and the opens up the door, only to be confronted by one tall, handsome man. The handsome man that got him into his predicament. Not that it’s his fault.

“Alastair,” Thomas says in surprise. “Are you okay?” 

“What do you think?“ Alastair snaps. Thomas flinches and he regrets his words. “What happened isn’t your fault, but I think we should stay away from each other for the time being.” 

“What? Why?” 

Alastair tilts up his chin and rebuilds his walls as quick as they were torn down. His reputation may be shatters, but Thomas’s doesn’t have to be. 

“It’ll only be a matter of time before word spreads of my affliction. If you stay close to me, you’ll be under as much suspicion as I am. I’m not going to let you throw away your life for someone as terrible as I am,” Alastair says. “It’s best I get on my way.”

“But—,” Thomas tries to say. 

“No,” Alastair interrupts. “It isn’t possible, it won’t ever be.”

Thomas reaches for Alastair’s hands and holds them. “I am already under suspicion,” Thomas said rubbing circles with the pads of his fingers. Such a delicate touch for such a large man. “I do not care what they think. Dooset daaram, Alastair Esfandiyar Carstairs. I will not let you go.”

Alastair had no clue that Thomas spoke Persian, let alone that he knew how to say ‘I love you’ in the language. His system flooded with shock at the words. It had been many years since he had those words from anyone in Farsi. 

“I didn’t know that you could speak Farsi,” Alastair points out stupidly. 

“I can. I learned it with Lucie when she was doing it for Cordelia. I think I was secretly doing it for you the entire time without knowing it.” Thomas looks at him with love and warmth. “But I do and you don’t have to say it back. I just want you to know that I’m serious about this, about us.”

Alastair whispers, “There shouldn’t be an us.”

“But there is.”

Alastair meets Thomas’s eyes. “I need time to think, Thomas. I was just outed to the entire clave and I need time. I need to tell my maman and Risa before they hear it from anyone else.”

“Of course,” Thomas quickly. “I understand and I’m not trying to make you give me an answer now. I just don’t want you to push me away completely.”

Alastair knew that he should run away while he still can, before he’s completely fallen. It’s what would be best for Thomas. Alastair does not deserve love like his. Yet he cannot help but be intrigued by it. He’s pulled into his orbit against his will and kept there because there is nothing else. There is no one else that will love him like Thomas does. So he desperately grabs at frayed strings knowing he should let go. But he doesn’t. 

He goes up onto his toes and pecks Thomas on the cheek. “We’ll discuss this later.”

“Actually?”

“I promise.”

With that Alastair lets go of Thomas’s hands and starts towards one of the entrances to the Silent City. It’s name is quite fitting. A pin being dropped could be heard from here. The Silent Brothers stand at attention with their eyes and mouths sewn shut. It seems like a fate worse than death. 

He arrives at the room he was told that his maman resides. He pauses with his hand on the doorknob. Fear overtakes his senses. 

“Mr. Carstairs,” says Risa from behind him. She’s holding a tray of food with a grin on her face. “It’s been quite an exciting day for you, hasn’t it?”

“What have you heard?” He asks cautiously. 

“Only that we’ll have a new son-in-law soon enough,” Risa chuckles. “But don’t worry, Sona doesn’t know quite yet. I was able to keep the news from her ears.”

Alastair looks down. “Do you care?”

He feels a hand on his cheek, lifting his face up. “Alastair Carstairs I have known you since you were the size of a bean, there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. Now go tell your mother before she tries to escape again. She’s been quite antsy this time around.”

Alastair nods and opens the door. The room is almost completely bare with nothing but a cot, a bedside table, and chair. It’s rather dreary without any decorations or color. His mother lays in bed. Her eyes just barely cracked open. It’s evident she’s in pain, even if she is trying to hide it. 

“Alastair?” She asks as she sits up against the bed frame. “Whatever are you doing here?”

He doesn’t know where to start. Should he just blurt the words out? Does he need to ease the news in? Will she be disappointed? What if it causes her more stress and hurts the baby? Alastair takes a deep breathe. She’ll hear either way, better it be from him. He can’t back out now. 

“I was tried by the Mortal Sword today,” he says slowly. Sona raises an eyebrow. “It wasn’t about anything I’ve done.” He assure her. “I was confirming that Thomas Lightwood isn’t the murderer that’s been roaming the streets of London.”

He pauses. This is more difficult than he thought it would be. 

“Alright,” his maman says. She looks more confused than anything. “Did something happen during this trial? You seem bothered.”

Alastair closes his eyes, just like he did when the Mortal Sword was in his hands. “They asked me why I followed him around on his lunatic solo patrols at night. I couldn’t lie, the truth was ripped from my mouth.” He takes one last deep breathe. “I have romantic feelings for him.”

There’s silence. It’s like a black hole he’s getting sucked up in. 

“Open your eyes, joon,” his maman says. Reluctantly he does. 

His mother’s hands grips his shoulders. Her eyes bore into his soul.

“I’ll be honest with you, I’m surprised and I’m not sure I completely understand,” she says. “But know this, you are my son. Nothing can ever change that. I know I haven’t always been the best mother, but I am so proud of you. And if this makes you happy, then who am I to object?”

Relief washes over Alastair. It’s like a pound of bricks has been lifted off his shoulders in an instant. His eyes well up with tears. Her acceptance is more than he could ever ask for. It’s more than he deserves, really. 

“Thank you, maman,” he chokes out. 

She smiles at him. “So you do not fancy women at all? Just men?” She asks hesitantly. 

“Just men.”

His maman nods. He can almost see the gears in her head turning. “Is Thomas the first boy you’ve liked?”

“No,” Alastair reluctantly says. “I was seeing someone else a few months ago, but I broke it off with him. Thomas is a new development.”

“Who? Do I know him?”

“Charles Fairchild.”

Worry flashes across his mother’s face. “Isn’t he older than you? How long were you two… together?”

“We became friends when I was 14, but we didn’t begin a relationship until I was 16. I went to Paris for my travel year to be with him,” Alastairs says. “I thought it was love. I thought that what he could give me was what I deserved, that it was the best I could do. I was his dirty little secret until I couldn’t stand it another. He was so ashamed of who he was, he got engaged twice during the time we were together. I broke it off at Cordelia’s engagement party.”

His mother wraps her arms around him. “I’m so sorry, my son. You don’t deserve to be treated in such a way. You worth more than you will ever know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He leans into the embrace, burrowing his face into his mother’s shoulder. It feels nice to be held, to be taken care of. He would never admit it, but a few tears do escape his eyes. Then she lets go just enough, so that they can look at each other. 

“Has Thomas been kind to you?”

“Much kinder than I deserve.”

“You deserve all the kindness in the world, joon. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. When do I get to meet him?”

“What?” Alastair asks shocked. 

“Surely, you planned on introducing him to me. Just because this isn’t orthodox doesn’t mean your maman can’t judge the boy you bring home,” she says with a mischievous glint in her eye. 

“We aren’t officially together,” Alastair explains. “I didn’t want him to get in any trouble because of me. The entire Clave knows about my preferences by now. He may insist that he’s already under suspect and that it’s too late to save his reputation, but I don’t want to be the one to ruin is life.”

“Does it wish to be with you, even knowing all of this?”

“Yes. He’s quite persistent actually.”

“Then what are doing here talking to me?” His mother exclaims. “Go to Thomas, you silly boy. If you love someone, do not let them go.”

Alastair’s heart is filled with warmth. His maman’s words soothe over the pain of the past day. Her acceptance and her love fills Alastair with hope that he hasn’t felt since he was a small boy. 

As he pulls away she whispers, “I am very proud of the man you’ve become.”

Alastair can only nod or else he knows that he would start sobbing. He always thought his mother’s love might be conditional, but now he knows that a mother’s love knows no bounds. The good one’s won’t care about the gender their child fancies or the mistakes they have made in their past. 

For love isn’t pain and sacrifice, like he was once led to believe. It isn’t always easy, but it’s the most rewarding thing this world can offer. 

#alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #sona carstairs #risa #thomas x alastair #thomastair #alastember #alastember 2022 #fanfiction #tlh #the last hours

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 22 - liar

This one is a little short but I'm busy again and also still have to write something every day. I recently rewatched Inside Out and this week I also intend to write an Alastair Inside Out piece which I hope will be interesting. In the meantime, this one would be set after CoT and is rather angsty. @alastair-appreciation-month

‘When were you going to tell me the truth?’

There were tears in Cordelia’s eyes, and Alastair couldn’t bear to look at them. He’d told his sister so many lies, and this last one had been no different. Openness and honesty had come natural to him once, but that was so long ago. Nowadays he was only ever a liar. It wasn’t because he wanted to lie, he just didn’t have better options.

Cordelia corrected herself. ‘Were you ever going to tell me the truth?’

‘No,’ Alastair said softly. ‘No, if you hadn’t found out, I wouldn’t have. I never wanted you to know.’

It was barely a year ago that they’d had another conversation just like this. When Cordelia had finally started suspecting something was not right, that he was keeping secrets from her, and had confronted him about it. He’d been angry then, and while he’d told her the truth, he’d told her in anger.

He was not angry now. He had been so angry all the time once, but now it was just gone. Like he was empty, a shell of a human being, just here to survive and keep his family safe, nothing else.

‘I thought you were done keeping secrets. I could have helped you.’

‘What could you have done? Sell yourself to pay off his debt? It should never have been your burden. It would have been better if you’d never found out.’

‘That Father’s massive debts had not died with him? That there were people coming after you looking to claim them? The things you had to do… How do I not deserve to know? He was my father too.’

‘Yet the debts went to me, and so did the people looking to claim them,’ Alastair said. ‘And I’m close to paying them off too.’

‘And what will you do when the Clave finds out what you’ve done? The people you worked with?’

‘I have done no harm,’ Alastair said. ‘I had no other choice.’

The first day they’d sought him out, they’d let him know they were aware of the existence of Rostam and had threatened harm to his little brother. He could never have let that happen. He didn’t care that what he’d had to do in exchange. He hadn’t harmed anybody, just made some awful criminals a little richer.

‘That doesn’t answer my question,’ Cordelia said.

‘They won’t find out,’ Alastair said. ‘They were all mundanes, maybe the occasional downworlder. They won’t go to the Clave, they’d just get themselves in trouble. Once I’m done, I’m burning all the evidence and then we can finally move on from what Father has done.’

Cordelia sighed. ‘And if you’d asked for help, we could have given you the money.’

‘You mean beg for money like Father did the night he died?’ Alastair said. ‘It was a debt of five thousand pounds! Do you think the Herondales have that much money just lying around?’

‘No, but they would have given you something anyway. The difference is, Alastair, these are not your debts. You did nothing wrong and were stuck with them only because Father died and these people started looking at you. The Herondales would have sympathized, and so would the Lightwoods. Thomas…’

Alastair cut her off. ‘Thomas and I haven’t spoken in months.’   ‘You should,’ Cordelia said. ‘Speak to him, that is. You can’t keep running away from the only good thing going on in your life. He loves you, and he misses you. Although I guess I’m not sure it’s true you haven’t spoken to him. After all, you’ve proven time and time again to be an excellent liar.’

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #Carstairs siblings #angst #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction #alastember 2022

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 23 - silver

Today's one is rather short too, but I think it's sweet, and definitely a lot less angsty than what I posted yesterday. @alastair-appreciation-month

‘Silver, not gold?’ Alastair asked. ‘I never asked why you chose those rings.’

Alastair knew silver was more affordable, of course, but he didn’t think that was why Thomas had chosen the rings. They were wedding rings, they would wear them for the rest of their lives, and Thomas had chosen these because he liked them best.

‘I feel silver suits you better,’ Thomas said, spreading his finger to show his own matching ring.

They’d gotten married a week ago and were currently on their honeymoon. They’d started in Paris for about half a week and from there Thomas had driven to Normandy, the countryside. There were all kinds of museum dedicated to world war two and d-day. Beaches too, and since it was a little early for the summer season there was plenty of space.

Thomas and Alastair were watching the sunset on the beach, not a single soul in sight. Thomas knew how Alastair liked the quiet and was an expert of predicting where nice and quiet spots would be.

It was gorgeous here, watching the sun set into the sea. Alastair was not as big a fan of sand though. Sand tended to get in his clothes, and he would have to wash himself thoroughly once they got back to their hotel room.

‘Why though?’

‘I don’t know. Gold feels like Matthew, or Cordelia. You’re more quiet, and you feel more comfortable not in the spotlight. Silver is more your color. Not to mention you look great in it.’

‘I guess that’s true. I still like the occasional gold though. I don’t have as much of a preference, I can wear both silver and gold well.’

‘You look good in anything,’ Thomas said.

‘Not everything,’ Alastair said. ‘I do have to pick colors I know suit me.’

He liked how he looked in black. The thing with black was that it was neutral and it suited almost everyone. But whenever he wanted to try other colors, he always carefully compared them to his complexion to see if it would work.

‘No you don’t,’ Thomas said. ‘You’ve convinced yourself that you do because you’re insecure about how you look. You don’t have to be. You’re beautiful.’

Alastair was about to protest, but decided against it. He wasn’t in the mood to argue about Thomas about his looks. Instead, he leaned closer against his husband.

‘Thank you.’

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Thomastair #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction #alastember 2022

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 19 - Charles & Elias headcanons

Remember when I mentioned Thomas liked giving Alastair gifts to show affection and that this is something Alastair is really sensitive to? Charles did the same thing.

But it was more a way to manipulate Alastair. Whenever Alastair was mad at him for his engagements of for ignoring him, he would buy Alastair a gift and then Alastair would forget about being mad and stay with him. Since Charles is much wealthier than Alastair, it was rather easy to give gifts since money wasn't an issue and he mostly believed Alastair liked what he liked

Examples of gifts: an expensive dagger, books about politics including the Prince, maybe something like a hat, gloves, expensive cuff links

I've heavily discussed this with @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer before, but I think if Alastair hadn't left, Charles might have eventually left either because hiding the relationship while he was married was becoming too difficult (I'm actually not sure Kamala ever knew about Alastair and Charles), or because Alastair wasn't stroking his ego as much anymore.

A while after leaving Alastair he'd try to get him back, and hopefully at this point Alastair would have grown enough to not go back to Charles and also Sona and Risa will chase him away.

Fortunately, Alastair left on his own already. Unfortunately, I do suspect he'll go back to Charles at the beginning of Chain of Thorns.

Another thing I discussed with Jaimie is that Elias and Charles are two sides of the same coin. They believe the quote from Alastair about how you should make people owe you rather than like you came from Elias, whereas I always believed it came from Charles. Please let me know what you think about this one!

Elias, like Charles, is very manipulative, and I think like Charles he seeks to be admired and adored by the people he's close to. This works with Sona and Cordelia, but not with Alastair and I think Elias hates Alastair for not blindly loving him anymore

I do believe part of Alastair loved Elias though, even though Alastair would likely tell you he kept taking care of Elias for his mother's and Cordelia's sake

@alastair-appreciation-month

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastair Carstairs #Elias Carstairs #Charles Fairchild #angst headcanon #headcanons #alastember 2022

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 6 - friendship

Alastair and Kamala take Rostam to Hyde Park. Rostam is almost 2 here and he's very cute.

CW: period typical racism and misogynie

@alastair-appreciation-month

‘Rostam! Oh, you’ve grown so much!’

Kamala knelt down in front of the toddler, smiling brightly at him. She’d always been fond of children and Rostam was no exception. Alastair would be visiting Hyde Park with her today and he’d decided he might as well bring Rostam. He loved to explore new areas.  

‘Kamala!’ he shouted excitedly.

Alastair let Rostam out of the stroller and allowed him to run over to his friend. He was still learning how to walk and was tripping over his own feet all the time, so Alastair would have to keep a close eye on him.

At almost two years old, Rostam still preferred to stay close to his family and he didn’t like strangers, but he’d made an exception for Kamala. Thomas too, because no one was as tall as Thomas and Rostam could see the whole world riding on his shoulders.

‘Wow, you’re so fast,’ Kamala said.

Alastair laid out a blanket with some of Rostam’s toys he’d brought and a sippy cup with apple juice in case Rostam got thirsty.

‘You can go explore, but don’t stray too far,’ Alastair said. ‘I want to be able to see you, okay?’

He never quite knew how much Rostam understood already. His speech consisted of mostly one or two word phrases, but Alastair often got the sense he already understood a lot more.

Rostam walked along the grass and dropped down a couple of meters from the blanket, staring at something in the grass.

‘He’s growing up so fast,’ Kamala said. ‘I remember when he was just a little thing, staring at me with his big dark eyes. Now he can walk and speak.’

‘All on a very beginner level. He still has plenty of growing up to do. But he’s making lots of big steps. Maman keeps saying what a magnificent shadowhunter he’ll be when he grows up.’ Alastair sighed, looked down. ‘Like his father, she says.’

Kamala put a hand on his shoulder. ‘He’ll be a magnificent shadowhunter like you. Like Cordelia.’

‘Cordelia and I decided that Cortana should be his when he’s old enough to wield it,’ Alastair said. ‘She can’t wield it anymore, and for me it doesn’t feel right. Cortana never chose me, it was never meant to be mine.’

‘Does it still bother you?’ Kamala asked. ‘You wielded Cortana well, you know. I don’t see why it can’t be yours.’

‘I feel more comfortable wielding my spears,’ Alastair said. ‘Don’t worry about me, it was my choice. Rostam, don’t eat that!’

Alastair stood up and walked over to his little brother, who was putting dirt into his mouth.

‘Rostam, we don’t eat dirt,’ he said. ‘That’ll make you sick.’

Rostam followed him back to the blanket and started playing with his rabbit plushie for a while. It had been a old plushie of Alastair’s that he used to call François for some reason. He’d decided he could live with it if Rostam ended up chewing its ears of. Some of his other old toys he’d decided to save for when Rostam was a little older and less likely to break everything he touched.

After a while, Rostam decided to wander off a little farther again and Alastair knew he needed to keep watch. Not only was Rostam prone to put all sorts of dirty things into his mouth, he had also brought the rabbit along and if Rostam came back without it Alastair would have to go looking for it.

A middle aged white man walked down the path where Rostam was playing. He was dressed in a coat, wearing a rather old fashioned top hat Alastair wouldn’t wish to be found dead in. It was the kind of thing he could picture Charles wearing, serious and gentlemanly but at least a decade behind in fashion. Many older shadowhunter men of London were a little behind in their fashion. After all, shadowhunters were not supposed to care the way mundanes did. But Alastair had not been raised that way, his mother had always emphasized the importance of dressing well. Alastair could not afford to dress wrong.

Rostam was running around, not looking where he was going until he bumped right into the man and fell over, immediately bursting into tears. Alastair shot up and picked up Rostam, taking him back to the blanket. He heard the man grumble something and Kamala remained closer to him and said something in return. Alastair couldn’t make out their words over Rostam’s crying, but it seemed like they were arguing.

‘It’s okay, Rostam,’ Alastair whispered to his little brother. ‘Where does it hurt?’

Rostam didn’t say or do anything to indicate where it hurt, but then perhaps he was a little young for that. Alastair held him in his lap, and after a little while Rostam’s crying softened.

The man walked over to Alastair, a furious expression on his face. ‘Keep your wife and son under control,’ he sneered before continuing on his walk and disappearing from view.

Kamala joined him a few moments later, sitting down next to him. ‘I hate men like that,’ she grumbled. ‘Doesn’t he understand Rostam’s not even two years old? How is he supposed to watch out and keep quiet?’

‘That’s what you were arguing about?’

‘He was being very rude,’ Kamala said. ‘And also racist. I don’t think he would have made such a scene if it’d been a white child. What did he say to you anyway?’

‘Apparently I have a wife. And a son.’

Kamala raised an eyebrow.

‘He told me to keep my wife and son under control,’ Alastair said, and moments later he and Kamala both burst into laughter.

‘He assumed we’re married? And that Rostam is our child?’

‘It’s not so far fetched, I guess.’

When he took Rostam out, people often assumed he was Rostam’s father, but this was the first time anyone had assumed Kamala was Rostam’s mother.

‘What, are you going to tell me to behave modestly? To not embarrass you in front of old white rich men?’ Kamala teased.

‘That’s something Charles would do,’ Alastair said. ‘If he ever finds a fiancée who lasts long enough to actually marry him.’

Alastair had never been able to imagine the married life as something that would suit him, something that would feel right. There were plenty of men like him who chose to marry, but to Alastair that felt wrong. Even if he did not have to deceive a woman and had the option to marry a woman like Kamala, he imagined it would be a very difficult situation to navigate and Alastair had never been particularly good at social relationships. He certainly couldn’t imagine becoming so dominant in a relationship as was expected of men, to have a wife who obeyed him in everything. With his tendency towards bad decisions, that would be a disaster.

‘I’m so glad I didn’t marry him,’ Kamala said. ‘I really wouldn’t have minded so much to be married to a man who prefers men. But not Charles.’

‘I don’t think you would have been happy with him,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m glad I left him too. And I’m glad to have a best friend to complain about him with.’

François is an the Owl House reference since that's how I pictured the rabbit looks

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul

#Alastair Carstairs #Kamala Joshi #Ariadne Bridgestock #Rostam Carstairs #baby carstairs #the last hours #tlh #alastember 2022