#also figured i should respond to these asks since ive been putting it off lmao social anxiety also affects social media who coulda guessed? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lovelybrittxo · 4 years

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where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

#lgbt #pride #pride 2020 #lgbt community #bisexual #bi curious #trans #transgender #questioning #sexuality #coming out #me #personal

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spooks-can-write · 5 years

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The Babysitter

Nestor x Reader

Summary: Emily hires you to babysit Cristobal (this is apart from the actual tv series events) and you and Nestor have some...tension. im bad at summaries ok.

Warnings: no smut just tension lmao. Cursing. Some predatory behavior, nothing beyond that.

Word count: idk tbh its longER tho bc i cant be short im s o r r y.

Hope yall enjoy 💞

The door chimed as you walked into the coffee shop, immediatley seeing Emily beam as she saw you made you loose a tension you didnt know you were holding. After leaving your last job abruptly you had been busy trying to get your shit together and through the struggle you were glad to take a break to see your old babysitter and childhood friend Emily.

"Hey (y/n)!" She stood up, you noted motherhood suited her well. She seemed more at peace now.

"Hey Em!" You looked down to see Cristobal sweetly sleeping in his noteably expensive stroller.

"So..." she seemed eager "I was talking with Miguel and we know you're...well...looking for a new job and place to stay so we thought it'd be perfect if you stayed with us as Cristobals full time nanny."

You were caught off gaurd to say the least "Oh, uh that does sounds great but i dont have any experience really."

"Dont worry well figure it out and ill be there in the beginning till you settle in. Trust me."

You thought you didnt have many other places to go either way and being in a stable enviornment would be good for a change. Fuck it.

"When can i start?"

Nannying was going better than you thought. It helped that Cristobal was more than well behaved but also you kind of had a knack for it. Not to mention the mansion Emily lived in. The only problem from time to time was that asshole with the cornrows. He always blatantly ignored you or just stared at you until you left the room. You thought long and hard about what you did to piss him off and couldnt think of a single thing, so you decided he was just an asshole.

You needed to check with Miguel about taking Cristobal to the park, going to his office you just found Nestor standing next to an empty desk.

"Where is Miguel?"

He didnt respond.

"Where.Is.Miguel?" You ask with more attitude than you meant.

He blinked like he didnt understand.

"Nestor!" You raised your voice

"He stepped out. He'll be back in 10." His calm tone didnt match yours. You instantly felt embaressed to have been rude. Shit.

"Thanks" you walked out wishing you had been more calm

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When you walked in he looked up, thinking it was miguel, to see you. You were wearing that new top he liked. It hugged your curves. The sun was hitting your face making you glow.

Fuck you were beautiful. He wanted to shove the chair out of the way and grab you and kiss you more than he ever wanted anything he knew he couldnt have.

Shit. You looked mad.

"Nestor!"

He gathered his thoughts

He watched you walk out. His stomach twisted that you seemed mad at him. Fuck.

----------------------

They were supposed to be gone all day so you were walking around the house, bouncing and humming a hymn to Cristobal in your pjs. He slowly fell asleep as you walked around the stairs to the den, you stopped dead.

You were met with the eyes of Miguel, Devante, Nestor, and a fair skinned man with a lot of jewlery and a shit eating grin as his eyes obviosuly roamed your body. You were just wearing a little bit too short of shorts and a tank top that cristobals sleepy hand was tugging down. You felt your stomach twist and cheeks flush.

"Sorry-I I didnt know anyone was home, he was getting fussy so.." you trailed off as Miguel stood up giving you a look you couldnt read. You looked over to Nestor and he looked upset.

"Dont worry mija we were just finishing up." Miguel said, like he meant it.

"Actually" the strange man stood, still undressing you with his eyes. It was starting to piss you off.

"Miguelito i think we should wait till my party next saturday to...finalize this deal huh?" He said with that same grin.

"Por supuesto" miguel said as he ushered the man to the other side of the room, talking to each other in spanish too quiet for you to decipher.

You felt stuck in your place. You focused on Cristobals breath against your chest. Trying to let it calm you. You noted more of the man. He looked dangerous. Emily told you Miguel was a international businessman and you believed her till you came here. You werent stupid enough to ask exactly what he did but you also werent stupid enough to believe he was just a businessman either.

The men came back and stood in front of you for a beat.

"Hey listen im really sorry i thought everyone was gone-" you started

"No worries chiquita, but do you have a passport?" Devante asked, eyebrow raised

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"Well if im being whored out i mine as well look good right?" You said smoothing down the soft rose gold satin dress as Emily and Dita sang your praises.

"How many times do i have to tell you (y/n) he just told Miguel he wanted to see you at the party, hes not going to do anything and we won't let him anyways." Emily reassured you, doing your hair.

"You're a part of the family now mija, this is our job as the women." You knew that comment was true, you saw it with your own eyes and that made it sting even more.

You were doing it for the sake of Emily and her family you told yourself. Plus you did look amazing in the dress.

You tugged at the zipper of the dress, it wouldn't budge.

"Hey em, can you-" you turned to see nestor at the door.

"I can if you want" his voice was gentle. Not that he was ever callous with you but it felt deliberate.

"Yeah sure" you half whispered, surprised it got caught in your throat.

He walked over. You moved your hair in front as he gently pulled the zipper up. Touching it when he was done. You turned.

"Listo?" He asked

You nodded, following. Feeling a flutter in your chest.

The drive to mexico was beautiful and serene. You mind did wander to Nestor and how sweet he was to you. You wondered if it was a fluke. Maybe he felt sorry for you. You tried not. to feel sorry for yourself.

You arrived to what looked like a castle. It had the guards with machine guns and everything. You found humor in that, as the situation sank in, you weren't scared.

It you were honest with yourself even when Nestor was cold to you, you always felt safe with him.

You all got out of the car, you last, as Nestor helped you onto the uneven stones. It'd been a minute since you wore heels.

"Dont worry." He leaned down to talk close to you, squeezing your hand. You met his smile.

The music was loud as you walked in. People were dancing and the mariachis were amazing. You were thankful to sit next to emily and dita. You felt eyes on you from men and their wives. You tugged your dress up. Definitley not the most revealing at the party but apparently it was enough.

"Its because you are not married" Dita told you, a comforting hand on your shoulder. "They are jealous" She smiled. It didnt make you feel better. You tried to focus on the drink in front of you.

The man from the house yelled joyfully and drunkenly in spanish and started walking toward the table. The men quickly stood up and met him halfway. Ushering him into a private room smoothly. Not before you made eye contact and he winked. You held your shudder.

The night went on and you found yourself almost having fun and forgetting the dangerous people around you.

You went to the bathroom as Devante and Dita danced.

You were looking for the bathroom when you felt a heavy hand on your waist. You jumped and turned. It was the man.

"Hello pretty women" he said with a accent slurred with the smell of strong alcohol that pinched your nose.

You backed up to find yourself against a wall. You started to look for a way out but his hand got harder on your waist, moving to hold your hip.

He leaned in speaking breathy spanish against your ear you couldnt understand on your best day. You took the opportunity to side step, noticing his henchmen about 10 ft away watching, glocks on their hips. The situation sank your stomach. You wouldnt be getting out of here.

"(Y/n) ive been looking everwhere for you." Dita shuffled past the man grabbing your arm and pulling you away. "Miguel needs to talk with you." She said louder than necesarry.

You were at a near jog down the hall. She stopped and turned you when you were safely away but not into the main area.

"Are you okay mija?" She held your hand. You felt tears welling.

"Men like that will ways exist and here, you will find them in abundance. It's important to stay close to us. They prey on the lone wolf okay?" You nodded. She wiped the tear you didnt know you shed.

She stayed with you till you calmed down.

"Brave face mija" she said as you walked back into the room, back to the table. Nestor and miguel were there looking directly at you, worried, trying to read your face. You forced a smile. Understanding what being in this family meant. It wasnt good. It wasnt bad. It was just your life now.

Nestor quickly sat next to you. Emily eyeing you, sympathetically. They were all too smart to not put together what happened. She touched your thigh, you flinched. She removed it. You could see she made a heartbroken face out the corner of your eyr but you couldnt bring yourself to meet her eyes.

"Im okay i promise. Just..shook up" you were honest. She nodded. You knew she felt terrible.

The night continued. Nestor wanted to kill him and he knew how he would do it. He shared looks with Miguel. He shook his head. Not yet. The second you walked out, holding ditas arm like it was the only thing keeping you up his stomach twisted. Rage ran down his back.

When he didnt see that bastard Diego and didnt see you, his mind raced and he was about to go down the hall to kill that fuck when Dita grabbed him.

"You can't. It has to be me." She didnt have to explain. He knew why. It killed him to turn around and walk away from the situation as his mind let dark thoughts in of what he was doing to you.

He kept looking at you, he could see you trying to be brave but under the table your leg was shaking and you were fidgeting with your hands.

"Come outside with me baby" he leaned over so only you could hear him.

You looked over at him standing with his hand out. You were thankful. Did he just call you baby? It sounded good coming out of his mouth.

You took his hand. It was calloused and strong. It calmed you down almost instantly as he led you outside. When people saw him coming they almost fell over themselves to move out of your way.

The cool air felt good on your flushed cheeks. He let go of your hand and led you to the balcony. You leaned on it, embracing the night air.

"Its really beautiful out here, all things considered." You chuckled.

He looked worringly at you, "Thank you Nestor." You grabbed his arm.

Fuck, his name sounded so good in your mouth.

"You're welcome." He watched as you leaned against the balcony. He wanted to touch you, tell you, youre beautiful but after what happened thats not what you needed and he knew it.

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You stayed like that for awhile, in each other's silence. The muffled sound of the mariachis relaxing you.

You felt your eyes getting heavy.

"Dont get tired now its not even 1am yet." You looked over, surprised he noticed.

"Maybe we can just stay out here all night then." You smiled at him.

Fuck he would do just about anything you asked. Crawl on glass in the snow, change your oil, anything as long as you kept smiling at him like that.

"But it's probably best to go inside right?" You sighed.

"I think so."

You grabbed his arm as you walked in, holding onto him and keeping your eyes on the table.

Time passed and you struggled to stay awake, you leaned on Nestor's shoulder without thinking, you froze. He moved over to make you more comfortable, moving his arm around you but not too much. You snuggled in. Damn he smelled good too. You closed your eyes, feeling people looking. Fuck em.

You were stirred up by Nestor rubbing your upper arm "hey, hey, time to go."

You stirred, never really falling asleep but not present for the end. Everyone was filing out slowly.

Nestor was looking over to Miguel and Diego. He shook Miguel's hand. He didn't look away as he put his coat over your shoulders and walked you all out.

You noticed Emily smirking at you, making eyes at Nestor's jacket around you.

You tried to open your mouth

"-Ah." She cut you off. "You don't need to tell me anything." She smiled.

You smiled back, happily getting in the warm car and doozing on and off on the way home, catching Nestor look at you in the rearview mirror made you blush.

You all made your way inside as you felt the emotional fatigue of the day in your legs.

Nestor was waiting by the front door. Not for you it seemed. Just taking a moment.

"Can i be out here with you for awhile?" You asked, ready for him to say anything.

"Yeah."

"Thanks for tonight, for taking care of me."

"I know you can take care of yourself (y/n). I just didn't want you to feel alone out there." He spoke softly, sitting next to you.

You stared at his face for the first time it seemed. He was beautiful. You dared to glance down at his lips.

He followed your eyes. He wouldn't move qn inch on you tonight. He didnt want to chance pushing you but fuck did he want you so bad.

You weren't used to initiating, you could see he wanted you but wouldnt move. You closed the distance, stopping just short to see if he'd react.

His head just barely titled up towards you, you took it and kissed him, you being the one to take control felt good. You wondered if he was usually like this.

He was gentle and sweet and you found yourself appreciating it tonight. You grabbed his face and you deepened the kiss.

You felt brave and stood up and sat down to straddle him. He grunted in the back of his throat as you grabbed his braid he moved his hands to hold your thigh and ass.

The kiss slowed down and he smiled into it. You laughed, dropping your head into his shoulder, touching your lips.

"Wow uh-" you got off him, laughing with him.

"Yeah" he laughed, grabbing your hand. "Let's go inside."

He dropped you off at your room which felt cute and a little ridiculous. It was fitting.

Words failed you and it seemed to him, as well.

"Goodnight." He said softly again.

"Good night Nestor." You replied closing your door, silently congratulating yourself for not dragging him into your room.

Whatever, give it a week. You smiled.

#this has been on my mind #hope yall like it as much as i love nestor #he's so fine and so underrated yall #show my mans some love he needs it #nestor oceteva #nestor oceteva imagine #Nestor oceteva x reader #mayans imagine #mayans x reader #mayans fic #mayans one shot #mayans smut

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

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00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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aijee · 3 years

Note

hello! i’m the anon who left the 6-part ask regarding mg a few months ago (i refer to those asks bc i’m back to drop more thoughts about mg and might touch on what i previously said). i wrote this whole thing disregading word count, believing i could drop it all in one go because i managed to log in to my tumblr, but it seems i still have to break it up… lmao i don’t know how many parts this will be or if i could post it all tonight, but i will signify the very end with “6-part anon” :)

Cont’d with response under the cut (I made some executive decisions about where the paragraphs break lol so it’s not all one block of text):

they want to be famous; that part just came along with the package. then i read in your bts post, you see mg as more wrapped up in entertainment, having star power with a bright personality, liking the limelight. reading that, i do agree, but i guess ive never thought of that before. i think wanting to be a star and wanting to be in the spotlight can seem self-centered. i hope im not coming across like im judging everyone who wants to be famous as “bad” because that’s not what i’m trying to do, but i think it’s safe enough to say that wanting to be famous means wanting people’s attention on you. i’m trying to tread carefully but i suppose i am saying that on the surface, wanting to be a big star can seem a little selfish in the sense that you want to boost your image, present your best self at all times, want people’s eyes on you and want them to think good things about you. combining those general thoughts about wanting to be a star, with my thoughts about mg in particular, is interesting to me.

i’ve always seen him as someone so selfless, so lovely, so considerate towards others. throughout idotsc, you’ve written him throughout as someone so amiable, liked by everyone, and also selfless and considerate. and in chp 7, his reaction twds the pictures is... well, I think they’re pretty true to character, and again i think it shows selflessness. then the ‘Love Languages’ text that OP had written— while, of course, OP doesn’t know him and everything is an assumption to a certain degree, I think their writing summarizes in one place what I observed about mg through the content available to the public: he constantly gives to people around him, exhibiting sincerity, words of gratitude and acts of service. at the same time, i definitely agree with what you said about his star quality, so i think that was the first time i really stopped to examine my thoughts about stardom and how some things may not be mutually exclusive.

“stardom” also makes me think about his recent incident, because of course, such incidents are definitely a potential consequence of fame. during that time i’ve also come across several opinions saying that they’re not surprised if a current idol was a past bully… i don’t remember exactly what people said but i think it was somewhere along the lines of, if they were so confident and cocky since predebut, then they might have had the qualities of a bully. something like that. i think from the outside looking in, it may be easier to equate star quality with a diva attitude/disregard twds others.

one thing i’d like to add is sth that a famous person said abt fame, and why they value it more than money, bc if they meet a fan, the look on the fan’s face upon meeting them gives them a feeling money can’t buy. and i suppose from this angle, being a star seems selfless. with svt too, they expressed how meaningful it is to them that theyre able to bring us so much joy. i think from the outside looking in, it may be easier to equate star quality with a diva attitude/disregard twds others. one thing i’d like to add is sth that a famous person said abt fame, and why they value it more than money, bc if they meet a fan, the look on the fan’s face upon meeting them gives them a feeling money can’t buy. and i suppose from this angle, being a star seems selfless. with svt too, they expressed how meaningful it is to them that theyre able to bring us so much joy.

i hope this all makes sense; i had lots of thoughts and wanted to try to write them. i struggled to understand why one would want to be a star, and went in circles questioning if i thought it was more selfish or selfless, and what one’s true motives might be behind wanting fame. ik u implied u embrace long writing bc you also write in length, but i’m less eloquent than you are so i hope this was fine! thank you again for having a space where people could offload their thoughts :) ~6-part anon~

There’s a lot to unpack here, isn’t there! A buffet of food for thought, for sure. I can’t possibly respond to everything written here because there’s just so many points, so I’ll write a few points. As always, take what I write with a grain of salt.

I don’t think there’s anything bad or inherently wrong with pointing out that, hey, people who are interested in a profession necessarily tied to a public image probably to show off or want attention. These things are perfectly natural to want, even for people who aren’t celebrities, because we’re (1) inherently social creatures and a lot of our survival is contingent on external success, and (2) we are brought up to feel validation from others, especially in an age where our lives are much more on display. But I can see why “selfishness” may be thrown in the mix because we often look down on attention-seekers and “popular” people, many of whom exhibit arrogant/tone-deaf behaviors. On the other hand, it’s understandable that an idol with a big public image necessitates putting their best foot forward all the time to maintain good opinion of them and to earn more money, frankly.

I’ve probably repeated myself too many times, but something I’ve been grappling with recently is this black-and-white mindset/judgment system we often have of others (very much exacerbated by social media, e.g. witch hunts). Bad is bad, good is good. I’ve thought this way for a long time of myself in an upbringing that always punished/looked down on bad behavior (or what was considered behavioral flaws, like speaking out against elders, swearing as a femme person, etc.) rather than acknowledging that “bad” behavior can be exhibited by people who also do and act “good.” In short, while I can only speak from my perspective, I think we’re programmed to subconsciously seek behavioral perfection for a number of reasons: we were raised that way by family; and/or society; we feel judged by the presence of social media and greater access into our lives; accessibility to celebrities and “perfect” public figures makes us judge ourselves by comparison; education systems that poorly address internal learning as well as external learning, etc.

In Mingyu’s case, there’s nothing wrong with seeing and continuing to see him as all those good qualities in my opinion. There’s nothing wrong with grappling with potential past problematic behaviors of your faves, as long as you’re critical and open-minded about the parties involved (which is rarely ever a fanbase at large, but the skewed authority of a fanbase is a different can of worms). Idols are human, which means dealing with the good and bad that comes with interacting humans. Contrary to popular belief (and I write this sarcastically), people CAN change. People should be ALLOWED to change. Characters are static. People are not. And it’s sad to say that this is still an issue in the K-Pop world.

As hard as it sounds, a person who bullied others in the past could still have good or pure intentions for becoming an idol. They could still feel fulfillment from making others happy; is that a bad thing? I personally don’t think so. Or maybe a person’s intentions for becoming an idol could be mixed good or bad, who the fuck knows? Not us. Honestly, I firmly believe that we fans don’t have the right to make definitive moral judgments of idols in the first place because we don’t know them personally. That, and people are extremely complex and hard to categorize, as much as we want to because it’s easier to do so. People are messy. Real life teaches us that more than the Internet does imo.

In any case, I don’t think selfishness and selflessness are mutually exclusive in the same way a person can be both good and bad. I learned that language, too, is a powerful vehicle that influences how we think. In that vein, with how compartmentalized definitions are in specific words, perhaps we think that their existence/practice is separate, i.e. being “selfish” is never being “selfless” because each word’s definition exists solely in their respective word and not the other (hopefully that makes some sense).

TL;DR: I think wanting attention and validation from others is okay and not inherently a bad thing, and people are fucking messy and rarely good without the bad (and vice versa).

Pretty sure I rambled a ton as well and probably didn’t hit that many points that you offered, anon. You ended up putting me on a thought train as well!

#askaijee

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allbeendonebefore · 7 years

Note

What are your favourite head/canon things about Alberta

[cracks knuckles] [stretches fingers]

so i’ll just start with a disclaimer - i use sherry’s/iamp/whatever alberta and i realize ive been getting a lot of followers who are part of rp groups and whatever or people who might be interested in adding some depth to their own ocs so feel free to like… think about these things if you want if you’re thinking of doing an alberta oc?? I guess

so since that mysterious slash implies what are my fave canonical things about AB too I’ll say that there isn’t much- I go with what sherry says on canon rather than IAMP and PC because while there are a lot of things I had influence over in both projos there are a lot of things I would have done differently so we’ll start with the bio

Canon Stuff

literally all the things are accurate sooo its hard lol. Obviously the political situation has changed and the economic situation is its usual rollercoaster (WELL… but thats another time). I gotta say that the ‘alberta beef is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ is really hitting home right now because i didnt realize how SPOILED i was by AAA beef until I got to Ontario ToT (ngl the pork here is super good and saves me money but the BEEF aAAA)

also my edmonton bias shines through at ‘he hates a part of himself called calgary’ thats by far my second fave B)))

Headcanon Stuff

ok where to start I will try to not make this an essay and i can elaborate more if you’re curious

- a lot of people will wonder about whether a province lives in the capital or the biggest city etc. and I have to say in Bertie’s case it is NEITHER. He’d never willingly live in (d)E(a)dmonton (sorry ed ilu) because Ed represents Government which he Hates and while he would spend a fair bit of time in Calgary he gets claustrophobic/exhausted - he still in my mind represents more of the rural bits of the province than the cities. I think he might move around a little, but he probably lives on a ranch between both cities but within sight of the mountains. I’m sure he has a place to stay in each city, but he’s a country boy at heart and appreciates his space, peace and quiet.

- Particularly space because Where else is he going to keep his 3 trucks + 2 ATVs + horses + 100000 cows + boat + canoe + kayak + all his camping junk + motorbikes + dirtbikes + tractor + other junk that people leave at his place

- that said his ‘birthplace’ is the southern ‘half’ of the province so he tends to kind of hover around there more- as i said he owns a ranch rather than a farm because the Quality Ranch Land is in the south and the Good Farm Land is in the north (and being eaten up by ugly houses ugh)

- still I think he spends a fair amount of time working up north in the Fort Mac area because Why Not make All the money. Even if you’re a rancher boy in the middle of nowhere, everyone in this province has ties to the oil industry one way or another. It wouldn’t make sense for him NOT to work in Oil and Gas because it’s literally the only job in the province lmao.

- His driving playlist consists of: Dean Brody, Corb Lund, Keith Urban, Ian Tyson, and the obligatory Nickelback which he listens to Un-ironically but also to piss off/drown out passengers when they’re annoying him

- He’s easily annoyed. By Everything. And Everyone. He’s the current national scapegoat and he takes it Extremely Personally depending on the context but also he has a relatively affectionate relationship with everyone and usually expresses his affection by pointed jabs.

- like he literally gets along with everyone on a personal level and not just because he buys them drinks- his worst relationships are probably with BC and Ontario and that’s just because he lives to irritate them and they respond with an appropriate amount of salt. He still doesnt mind hanging out with them and bc/ab/on/qc is an unstoppable team. He just gets extremely sensitive when anyone asks to borrow money from him and will give you an earful of ‘i work SO HARD for this money to put FOOD on YOUR TaBLe’

- generally really tight fisted with money………. only when other people are looking. he makes a big deal about how little he spends on essential services and you just look at him like ‘so you’re saying you have the money to get all this crap for this rodeo coming up but you dont have the money to take yourself to the hospital after’ and hes like [coughs up blood anime style] ‘im ok i have whiskey and benadryl at home’ [adjusts his diamond studded hat]

- really big on loyalty and straightforward conversations and has NO patience for any hypocrisy or doublespeak no matter how small. The slightest of things can send him reeling with Betrayal. Also this makes him either tight lipped or TMI, there is no in between.

- like literally reeling he’s very top heavy and you could blow him over with a sneeze, he’s all bark and only some bite. When he’s good he’s Real Good but when he’s bad he’s like a foot in the grave bad

- he’s the baby of the prairie bros but also the one with the brains- and i don’t mean in an academic sense i mean in the ‘so crazy it just might work’ sense.

- literally he’s an idiot he doesnt understand how equalization payments work no matter how many times you explain it to him. He doesn’t understand a lot of things re: the economy but he never shuts up about them.

- the easiest way to piss him off is to threaten his autonomy in any way, he will stop whatever he’s doing to put a boot up yer ass if you Dare suggest something like ‘why don’t you let ontario/canada take care of that for you’ even if he knows the way he’s doing something is garbage he will go out of his way to keep doing it because its ‘my way or the highway’.

- ‘why do you have all those guns’ ‘oh you know hunting deer and stuff’ [really its because he’s terrified a rat is going to sneak into his barn or something] [but he does actually hunt] [and he’s the type of guy to have the ‘trespassers will be shot’ signs]

- I haven’t figured out WHAT truck he drives yet but i am PROUD OF HIM for no longer putting truck nuts on it, THANK GOD that went out of fashion. (That said he does not have the stacks- his truck is lifted and Shiny and also has a handful of Alberta Strong decals/stickers.) Newf probably gave him a sticker of “The Rock” or a nfld flag and he Loves it. On a scale of most to least obnoxious trucks its Mac - Bert - Cal - Ed. It’s probably a white truck.

- i should think about things he loves more, this headcanon list is mostly things that make him angry oops xDD he loves animals a lot, and not just to eat i swear. The bigger and the more horns the better.

- he really loves driving a lot, it’s like a big part of his independence factor. I think sometimes he will just drive aimlessly late at night/early morning when it’s not busy and just go and find somewhere to look at the sky.

- he looooves digging up fossils in his spare time, or just interesting rocks in general. If you say the words animatronic dinosaur he is ALREADY THERE

- he watches a lot of sci fi and really loves star trek. So Much. he’s totally attempted mowing crop circles in his lawn/fields probably multiple times. he’s still waiting for the ufos to come land. Also has a thing for spooky places and cryptids and those weird inexplicable twilight-zone like events that only happen on road trips. did i mention the Giant Roadside Attractions.

- he has this persona of being a traditional/small-and-big-c conservative but he’s actually really into innovation and trying new things, meeting new people, etc. He interacts with so many different people lately that he’s trying to take the time to really re-evaluate himself and move away from the Klein-era “Severely Normal People” image because it doesn’t reflect him. The issue is he’s more likely to vote on economy rather than social issues so his actual progressiveness gets hidden by lack of political representation (and lets be honest he has Always hated politics). He’s got a lot of crap to sort through but he catches people who underestimate him off guard.

- was probably raised methodist/protestant/whatever but is mostly pretty secular, but he has some definite strong holdovers that make him uncomfortable about certain subjects and his first reaction to being uncomfortable is always anger.

- completely oblivious to being hit on or something or really gay situations around him but is that type of person who is like [cant walk too close to another dude because what if it looks gay bro].

- his fave cow is named buttercup

- he has definitely woken up after a night out with friends naked and alone duct taped to an air mattress and floating in the middle of a lake. true story.

- he will macgyver his way out of any situation. doesn’t mind getting down and dirty in the mud when it’s necessary. exactly the type of person to shove his hands in bitumen and squish it around or to pick up a rock and lick it or to shove a thermometer up a cow. When he gets squeamish he does his best to be bullheaded and pretend like Nothing is Wrong until he faints.

- his french is crap but he Tries- the french he knows is backwater northern AB french which he’s too shy to bring up so he feigns ignorance. His german is good and his ukrainian is passable, his spanish is fine, he’s trying to get the hang of some other languages but doesn’t tell anyone he’s practicing because he hates getting made fun of xD

- the hat and boots are Absolutely to make him look taller than he actually is. He doesn’t wear inserts but he does make sure the sole/heel on any boot he buys is Thick. Smol insecure man with a Big hat. Will spend 300 bucks on shoes, but he actually does ride/work so its an investment for him.

- heads to Arizona/Mexico in the winter when he’s not working, otherwise Banff/Jasper are his ‘budget’ vacations lol.

i love this stupid province pls ask if you have any more questions because i love to talk and i feel like i’ve said too much already lol

#pc: alberta #hapo rambles #projectcanada #iamp: alberta #iamp #iammatthewian #Anonymous #pc headcanon

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dongyoungkims · 7 years

Text

stargazing with doyoung 💘

“Remember this moment, I will always stay by your side”

lmao this is literally the first scenario ive ever written -- im honestly not much of a writer i just thought it’d be fun since i love reading doyoung scenarios! hehe i wanted it to be lots of fluff but i couldnt really think of stuff to say but anyways,,,, enjoy my dudes! (also lyrics are from crush’s summer love!)

You had a long and stressful day. At this point, all you wanted to do was crawl and collapse on your bed. Right when you finished changing into your cozy pajamas, your phone lit up and you saw that you were getting a call from “the loml 💘”

“Hi,” you tried to answer excitedly, but you couldn’t hide the tiredness from your voice, “what are you up to?” you asked.

“Nothing much,” Doyoung replied, “did you have a long day at work today?” he asked in a slightly concerned voice. Doyoung was always quick to tell how you were feeling based on just your tone of voice.

“Just a long day at work,” you sighed, “How was practice? Did you eat already?”

“We just finished our meal, and practice was so funny today. Taeyong borrowed a hoverboard from the Dream kids and he was so terrified of falling,” he told you while trying to hold back his laughter, “I wish I got it on camera, but he didn’t understand how to move forward so he ended up spinning in circles a million times while screaming “Stop this please!!!! Someone save me!”” Doyoung laughed.

You chuckled along with Doyoung. You always commended Doyoung for being a thoughtful boyfriend. You understood that he always tried his best to make you laugh. You always enjoyed hearing about the members, and this story is a new addition to the many embarrassing stories that come from the practice room.

After chatting and laughing about what happened with Taeyong, Doyoung could still sense the tiredness coming from your voice and wanted to help cheer you up more.

“Hey, since I’m finished with practice now, do you want to go on a little drive?” Doyoung asked.

You were tired and already lying down in bed, but you felt like you were in desperate need of some fresh air.

“Sure,” you agreed, “let’s go.”

You didn’t bother changing out of your pajamas. You chose comfort over looking cute plus you figured that you’ll be sleeping in his car so before leaving, you grabbed a few blankets to help keep you and Doyoung warm.

Fifteen minutes later, Doyoung drove up to the front of your apartment. You hopped into the passenger seat and shot Doyoung a small smile. You wished that you could express more emotions, but you were so drained at this point. Doyoung gave you one of his classic, wide, gummy smiles and you couldn’t help but feel warm inside because just being in his presence gave you energy.

“Where should we go tonight?” Doyoung asked.

“Anywhere,” you replied while staring up at the handful of sparkling stars in the sky, “anywhere far away from the city lights.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Doyoung smiled as he played a playlist which consisted of R&B tracks which were always perfect for your late night drives.

For the first few minutes, you both sat without saying a word, letting the music fill the car.

Remember this moment I will always stay by your side No matter what I’ll always be with you Fallin in love again

Doyoung noticed you looking up at the sky, and rolled down the windows to let the cool, summer breeze flow into the car. You crossed your arms and rested them on the window. You positioned yourself so your head rested on your arms and a part of your head was out the window. Letting the wind ruffle your hair, you closed your eyes and breathed in the refreshing air.

Doyoung looked over to his side mirror and was in awe of your reflection. Doyoung was always a fan of looking at you while you were preoccupied with other things. He loved seeing you from across the room and seeing how your radiant smile can light up a room. He’s not much of a sap though so he always pretends to be looking at something else when you turn his way so you can’t see how much his eyes gleam when staring at you.

You were intently focused on letting the breeze ease your fatigue, and you began to come back to reality when you heard Doyoung quietly singing along to the lyrics. You couldn’t help but smile when you heard his voice. You loved hearing his voice. Just listening to him talk, sing, or hum made you feel better.

“So, where are we going?” you finally asked.

“Just a place I know away from the city,” he answered. “At the place we’re going to, you’re going to see what I see when I look at you.”

You were confused but decided not to question him. You held onto his hand and intertwined your fingers with his. You closed your eyes once again and relaxed while listening to the music.

You didn’t realize that you dozed off, and you woke up to see Doyoung looking over you while humming to the music and playing with your hair.

“Sorry, how long was I asleep?” You asked in a slightly groggy voice.

“For about an hour, but no worries, we arrived at our destination!” Doyoung exclaimed excitedly.

You looked around, but there was nothing around you. It was empty, and the night felt darker than usual.

“Where are we?” you questioned in a confused tone.

“In the middle of nowhere, but look up at the sky.”

Doyoung had opened up the sunroof of his car, and in front of your eyes was a plethora of stars.

“Wow,” you whispered silently to yourself in awe.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it,” you responded, still gazing wide-eyed at the view.

Doyoung looked over at you lovingly, and smiled to himself when he saw the pure joy and happiness that radiated from your face.

“I’m glad,” Doyoung said in a relieved voice.

He helped you pull down your seat so you were both laying down staring up at the stars.

After you both enjoyed the view in silence for a few minutes, Doyoung rolled over onto his side so he was facing you.

“Hey y/n, I know these stars are beautiful, but do you know what’s more beautiful?” he asked.

“Um, me?” you responded teasingly.

“No, me,” he chuckled before showing off his smile.

You rolled your eyes and said, “Yeah, okay” in a sarcastic tone before turning over onto your side to face Doyoung.

You stared at Doyoung lovingly and smiled at him. “Thank you,” you whispered.

“You’re welcome,” Doyoung whispered back before leaning forward and lightly pecking your forehead. Doyoung grabbed your hand and began to play with your fingers. He opened up your hand and began to repeatedly trace outlines of stars on your palm with his finger. It made your hand tingle because it was ticklish, but you thought it was cute so you didn’t pull your hand away.

“So, what did you mean earlier?” you asked as you tried to recall the conversation from before. “Something about seeing something?” you said in a confused tone.

“Yeah, I said we were going to a place to see what I see when I look at you. When I said that, I was talking about these stars. I wish we could see them better in the city, but that’s almost impossible considering the pollution and the city lights,” he explained. “Whenever I look up at these stars, I can see you in them. I don’t mean that I can physically see you in them, but I see you as this bright, shining figure in my life. It’s like each one of these stars represent one thing I love about you.”

You looked over in amazement as Doyoung continued, “There’s basically an infinite amount of stars in the sky, and everyday I find more reasons to love you. Some days, there are stars that shine brighter than the others and those represent what I love the most about you that day. It’s constantly changing and there are always new stars appearing. You always manage to make my day brighter.”

You could feel yourself begin to blush because Doyoung was never so forward when it came to expressing his thoughts, especially about you.

“These stars--,” Doyoung began to say before being interrupted by a peck on his cheek. Though it was dark outside, you could see his cheeks flush pink as he smiled and shyly put his hand to his cheek. You both smiled and grabbed each other’s hand and turned to face the night view once again.

“The stars are so beautiful,” Doyoung said. “Imagine if we saw a shooting star right now, what would you wish for?” he questioned.

“But if I told you, my wish wouldn’t come true!” you proclaimed.

“I’m just speaking hypothetically! I’m just curious about what you’d wish for,” Doyoung said as he pouted.

“If I’m going to be honest, I’m pretty happy with what I have in my life right now. I never expected that I’d be an assistant manager at the company I work at. I have friends and family that love and support me unconditionally. And most importantly, I have --”

“Me?” Doyoung interrupted.

“No, Ddongie,” you teased. Ddongie is the name of the pet bunny that Doyoung got you for your birthday. He told you that Ddongie would look over you whenever he was away.

Doyoung crossed his arms and rolled over so his back was facing you. “Hmph!”

“I’m kidding,” you said as you poked his back. “Of course, you’re the most important one in my life.”

You pulled yourself closer towards Doyoung and hugged him from behind. You snuggled your face into his back and rubbed your face into his soft shirt.

“You really do mean a lot to me,” you started, “I’m grateful for moments like this. Even if we’ve been dating for years now, you still make my heart do back flips every time I see you. I love seeing you smile on stage. I love seeing you happy doing what you love. I love how you make me feel like a better person.”

Doyoung’s wide smile returned and he turned over to face you. He pulled you closer in his arms and joked, “I didn’t realize you were so in love with me, I guess I just have that effect on the ladies.”

You cringed and tried to escape his grip, but that caused him to hold onto you even tighter. Doyoung peppered your face with little kisses making sure to not leave any part of your face unkissed.

“But hmm,” you began as you thought back to the question about shooting stars. “If I were to have one wish, I just want to remain this happy forever. I don’t mean this in a “I don’t want to ever be sad” kind of way, I just don’t remember a time when I felt so content with my life. You brought me so much happiness and I don’t ever want to lose you...” you whispered before choking up a bit.

“Don’t worry,” he said before beginning to sing, “Remember this moment, I will always be by your side. No matter what I’ll always be with you, fallin’ in love again.”

“Thank you for all of this,” you said gratefully once again.

“Anything for you,” Doyoung said shyly before giving you one more kiss on your lips.

#doyoung scenarios #nct scenarios #nct #kim doyoung #lmao quite a number of time jumps bc i suck at transitions!!!!

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survivorazores · 7 years

Text

Ep. 3 - “You're on some Monopoly shit when we're still just trying to play hopscotch’’ - Will

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163465154038/announcement-and-tribal-immunity-3

Two words: holy shit

I WASNT PRE-PAIRED FOR THIS

What the hell!!!! Ali and Jay out here trying to catch hands!! I don't TRUST these people. I don't even trust half of MY OWN Tribe!!!! How the HECK am I supposed to trust anyone else?

This is so messy. I have no idea what's going to happen here, I'm so scared

Okay but I really did #that by getting everyone to vote for aundra ijs

Honestly what the fuck as happened! I would have rathered a fucking tribe swap! This shit is insane! But also will work with my game. Rafeal is my parent and first impression is he's nice but I can't be too sure in the tribal he didn't have any votes so thats good to know. Hopefully he is in the majority of his own alliance. If not whatever its good for merg. Im kinda happy about this challenge because i can fuck it up and get one of them out of here, but they will most likely stick together and if they have the numbers im fucked!

Why does Amanda Lynn bring out the worst in me

My partner isn't responding to me... That makes me extremely nervous. I do have an idol but I'd hate to use it this early in the game if I go to tribal and feel nervous.

This shouldn't be two hard...

One World Twist? OH HONEY. I've talked to Amanda and Toph and have explained to them the tea on first tribal. I like Toph too. He seems like a neat guy. A neat guy going to tribal because screw that noise of leaving it to chance.

I need a duo-ver

So im chatting with Rafael right now. And honestly i have to first impression. My first thought was fo backstab. Opps. So from getting some info from him it seems like he was part of the tribe that flipped. Honestly im kinda pissed about that because I wanna work with others from the tribe without having any connection with him get in the way. Im honestly thinking about going right and staying stay because i lied to him snd said i was going left. Honestly i need to talk to Emily and Amanda l about this.

This was interesting twist. I like it and it def makes you think!!! My partner Michael seems cool so far but we'll have to see if he can be trusted!!! I hope do cause I don't want to go to tribal!!!!

WHEW I survived, it was 9-1. I get paranoid for nothing! So now Jay and Ali decide to be ugly and put us in One World, which has it's ups and downs. One one hand, I CAN FINALLY TALK TO ABBEY about the game, but on the other hand, Ricky is a snake and even though we have AGREED to put Hawaii behind us, I don't think I can trust him for one second. I'm waiting for Abbey to come on to see if maybe we can form an alliance with Ricky just so I can keep him close. So with this One World announcement, we also have our next challenge, which is exactly like the rose challenge in Divergent, with just a few small modifications. Basically we've each been paired up with someone from the other tribe, and we determine if the other goes to tribal. Guess who I was paired up with. FREAKING ABBEY! YES. As long as Ricky (and Ashley Sarah bc of Switzerland) keeps his mouth SHUT, Abbey and I can avoid tribal. We just gotta establish getting 5 others to go to tribal in our place.

ruthie and ashley r messy and thats the tea! but its ok i didnt go home godbless! ive got a cute alliance with will and ricks! We won immunity and amanda lives! Now wee paired together for the challenge bc god is good!

So I finally get Abbey on a call. She agrees to be middle man with me and Ricky. She says Ricky is cool to work with me and he wants to put Hawaii behind him. So I'm like nice, make an alliance chat. So she does. Ricky to Abbey in pm's: I AM NOT GOING TO THE END WITH AMANDA I WILL BE NICE A CORDIAL BUT THIS IS NOT AN END GAME THING. Hm... Guess bitterness is hard to swallow no matter how much time passes.

Okay so here's the sitch: this one world/pair challenge twist is like pretty tame considering I thought I would get voted out for missing the announcement lmao but like it still makes things very interesting. Rafael, honey, you're playing this game way too hard you're on some Monopoly shit when we're still just trying to play hopscotch - he's gonna get his ass voted out sooner or later with all this overplaying and I can't let that happen before Ruthie/Ahsley because after the idol stunt I can tell those two are here to really play the game and can make shit happen, especially with these jumpy newbies. Ricky (my love) keeps saying not to worry or think too far ahead, but I have all the scenarios (insert Jozea gif) running through my head of how things are gonna go. But basically right now I just need to avoid the pair challenge tribal because that shit sounds rough.... OR I could use Rafael's overplaying against him in that tribal OR use the Ruthie/Ashley idol panic situation to get them voted out.... like I said: scenarios!!!! They all wanna play the game so badly so all I need to do is give a little suggestion and ~~~puppetmaster~~~ Rafael will go for it and it can blow up in /his/ face not mine :) :) :)

Toph is really nice, and I want to go left with him. However, at the same time, everyone else on the Dying Alliance (Amanda G, Bryce, Will, and Mo) is going left too. That means the tribal council may be decided by randomization. I do not want that. I would rather guarantee my safety. However, Toph has invited me to an alliance with Amanda Lynn. I can't pass up this chance to start creating bonds before merge. It is certainly a prisoner's dilemma I face.

this challenge is literally all chance and my tribe wants to keep talking about it and worrying and strategizing like ok we will not know what the outcome is until tomorrow night so let's all just breathe and stop strategizing for .5 seconds

I'm very happy the vote was unanimously for Aundra and that no one tried to pull anything last minute. I believe this vote made our tribe stronger and I feel like everyone trusts one another a little bit more now. Even more so with this new One World twist. I'm just hoping to avoid tribal for a little bit longer. I'm not too excited about going back.

This One World twist is pretty nice but now everyone talks in the tribe chat and I feel like I have nothing to add and I'm not funny. I messaged everyone but I've really only talked to Will and Mo. Mo is sweet, he's my partner. We both agreed that we would go left so both of us could avoid tribal. I hope he stays true because I'm going left regardless. It wouldn't be beneficial to me to go right and break my trust with Mo and it wouldn't be beneficial to go to tribal in the first place. If I go and Mo doesn't, that's fine. I don't think people would target me and I believe my tribe will stay together and vote out someone from the other tribe. I feel that I could work with both Mo and Will in the future. They're both nice and I think I've gotten along with them well.

Once again, Toph is being messy and not thinking before he acts. He was talking to Rafael, his partner, and gave out some names (MINE) and asked if they would be safe. BITCH!!! Toph, please, stop. I'm very uneasy about Toph throwing my name out to anyone he talks to for even a second. He's not being careful. And people are bond to figure out we're working together. I swear I'm trying my hardest to keep it a secret and I'm keeping shit to myself but Toph can't hold his tongue! Oh my god. I love the kid, I do, but he can't chill out. On another note, a person on my tribe that I have strengthened my relationship with is Ali! He's so nice honestly. I hope to be able to work with him in the future. I believe that's all I have to say for now - goodbye!

Gwen is online and has still said just one thing to me? TIME TO GO RIGHT, my entire tribe already thinks I'm insane, let's do this thing!

The more I think about it, the more upset I get. I don't remember exactly what I said in my last confessional regarding Ricky but, it's bothering me. Basically, he told me we could put Hawaii behind us, since it's been a YEAR and we both just want to be over it. And when Abbey told me he said the same thing to her, I really believed him. But then he goes and tells Abbey that pretty much he's not over it and doesn't trust me and wants me out. Now I know I talk about Hawaii all the time. I won, and I walked through hell to get there. I feel like I'm allowed. But this is a new game, and I was honestly willing to put it all of is behind us if he was. But if he can't and he's going to hold it against me and potentially ruin my game down the line, I can't risk it. I'm trying to get Ricky out before we wind up on a tribe together. I talked to Ali and explained our history to him and got him to agree to go right for the challenge, even if it's risky. The kid trusts me 100% (at least that's what he's giving off), so it's nice to have him in my back pocket, separate from Toph and Emily. So Ali agreed to go right, and honestly, anyone who doesn't trust their partner needs to just go right. Not trusting your partner? What's that like? Shout out to random.org for pairing me up with the one person I trust unconditionally! Anyway. I don't know. I'm just trying to navigate sharing enough info about me and Ricky with my alliances to keep their trust, but not enough to expose myself as a threat. Also, I forgot Ashley Sarah is the only person who knows how close Abbey and I could be. She comes to me this morning and says, "So you're both going left, yeah?" I'm like O_O "uhhhhh idk i mean I love abbey but we've never played together so... shrug emoji..." Also, Ruthie is older than me and I love it.

Forgot to do one of these yesterday but this twist is so fun. One world is my fave season so its only fitting that I should win a One World style Org ;')! I like michael, Amanda, and Gwen the most from the other tribe. My partner for immunity replies in short answers and doesn't respond some times so that's a mood... Also preorder Rainbow on Itunes and buy Boys on Itunes/ stream on Spotify

Ali and I have been talking about our partners. Mine is Mo and his is Ricky. He is really uneasy about Ricky and believes that Ricky will go right and Ali will have to go to tribal. He says he's probably going to go right just in case Ricky goes right. Better both of them go to tribal than just Ali. Also, Amanda told Toph and I that she has played with Ricky before, and that it didn't end well. I'm glad Ali is going right because I'd like to get Ricky out as soon as possible. Amanda was vague about what she told us but I'm hoping she opens up about it more so we know what exactly happened and we know what to avoid with Ricky. As regards to my partner, I trust him. Mo seems a little too timid to turn on me and go right. We're both going to go left, as far as I know. I'm going with my gut but I keep having seconds thoughts thinking that Mo is some evil mastermind. I don't know. I'm hoping for the best. I am hoping that, if anyone avoids tribal this round, it's Toph, Amanda, and I. They both seem to trust their partners (I feel like Toph trusts too easily though...) and I'm hoping for a smooth tribal avoidal for the three Merge Hopefuls.

See the thing is, if I go right that guarantees at least that my partner goes to tribal council. And since he's acting like he really doesn't care that much (about the challenge or the game in general) I feel entirely fine doing that lol, I somehow already have ammunition against him if we both end up at tribal and I can easily flip the vote against him if I feel like I'm in danger. As long as it isn't me, right?

I trust my partner enough to go left, but I haven't sent my official message yet. My tribe mates have been discussing going right in order to push the other tribe's members to tribal especially since those on the other tribe might go right so if we went right then we could use this as a chance to vote out someone from Espirito should everything work out ideally. I'm not positive about which direction I'm going to go quite yet though. I'll decide closer to the deadline.

I trust Emily to go left, but if she goes right I assume it's for the better of her tribe so I understand.

While sitting on the toilet, I came up with a strategy that I think might work in the favor of the Salao tribe, assuming that they haven't voted yet because it is a bit late for me to be coming up with a strategy like this.

My thought process is that we don't exactly want to avoid tribal, we just want to avoid voting out our own. And the way we would do that is by having the majority at tribal council. If all but one of the Salao tribe goes left, then some of us go to tribal and some of us don't, all depending on how Espirito votes. I am assuming some of the other tribe will vote right, which will send some of our tribe to tribal. And that is not exactly a bad thing as long as we have more people at tribal, and we will if we all vote left, except one person.

If we choose one person on Espirito we would like to vote off, then only the person whose partner that is would go right. Example, if we wanted Mo gone, I would go right and everyone else would go left. If I ended up at tribal because Mo went right, then that's fine. We would still have the majority to vote Mo out. The only problem with this plan is if not enough Espirito tribe members vote right, then we would go to a random tribal and have to fight for our lives. But still, a nine person tribal could result in Salao having a majority and voting out someone from Espirito. I pitched my plan to Toph but he hasn't responded. I just need someone to reassure my plan before I pitch it to the whole tribe. :0

I have to say that this challenge is very nerve wracking cause it's so much of a crapshoot because you can't be 100% sure how the other tribe is going to go which leaves a lot up in the air. Even though we are working out a strategy, we can't guarantee its success because we can't be certain of the other tribe's actions

This just sums up a lot in this game right now: [7/27/17, 3:38:40 PM] Will: ok word, is she cool? do we like her? [7/27/17, 3:39:02 PM] Ricky 🦄: ....a fucking mess

I ate two burritos now my stomach hurts

Am I nervous for these results? Of course I am. Anyone could end up at tribal and a wrench could get thrown in our plans depending on how the other team plays

So I've decided to go right. It's not that I don't like Toph, it's just that I feel this is better. I have a chance of not going to tribal at all, or I go to tribal. It's 50/50. Also, Will is going right on Ray. He has told me some interesting things on Ray. Ray apparently said the r word and says the game is stupid. So if I go to tribal, I can use it against him. Good luck to me.

I'm so nervous, I went left and if not enough people go to tribal, I'm fucked. I'm praying what my partner told me is true and that she went left.

Ray,Ruthie,Ashley,Toph and Ricky are sent to tribal by their partners.

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163504508788/results-3

I'm so happy that I'm not going to tribal!!! At this point, I see that Nayeli is trustworthy and I can definitely see us working together in the future.

THANK YOU EMILY

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Of fucking course i get turned on. I guess karma does suck... well fuck it i have a better social game then ray and ruthie and ashley were both flipped on

Also, YAY! The Dying™ alliance is safe and almost all of the people I wanted gone are at tribal! This day couldn't get any better.

FUCK YOU ALI TANVEER AND THE WAY THE A IN YOUR LAST NAME IS CAPITALIZED JUST SHOWS THAT YOU ARE AS ILLETERATE AS YOU ARE AN IMBECILE IN THIS GAME AND YOU WILL GET YOURS TRUST ME.

Anyways, I was right in choosing right. That other tribe is a bunch of snakes is what it is. Toph asked me about certain people like Gwen on which way their partner went, and then those people go right after I tell Toph their partner went left. I'm glad that snake is going to tribal. He will be voted out. Ray doesn't want to be here so he is not our concern. Toph will go for his attempt at taking a shot at our tribe. Point blank. Michael, Ali T, and Gwen are snakes and if they make merge they are gone.

Well, our plan didn't work. However I'm glad I went left because it's better for my social game in interactions with the Espirito tribe. Since the opportunity to talk to them has opened up I have wanted to make a good connection because strong social game is important and I don't want a reputation for being distrustful. I'm worried about Toph and Ray going into tribal because they're members of the tribe and it would've been better for us as a whole if we had gotten a numbers advantage but we didn't and now we have to face the consequences of that.

everyone needs to calm their shit

Toph still want to align with me even though I've basically set up his downfall. He wants to do a everyone thinks we hate each other, but we are actually working together. I like it, but he has to survive first. Whether he goes or not, it still benefits me. Kisses.

I told Toph where I had searched for the idol so he could have a better shot at finding it. I want to keep him in the game to keep our tribe together for the time being. Not only that but if he stays in the game after tribal then I will have strengthened my relationship with him and I should be able to count on him as an ally.

I'm sorry, but I literally turned on Ashley and somehow convinced her that it wasn't me that turned on her??? And I literally have 3 out of the 5 people at tribal coming to me for advice and to talk to other people???? Im sorry but how did I literally get all this power? I'm literally controlling a tribal I'm not even a part of??!??! Legendary imo

Honestly I'm probably playing way too hard way too fast. I need to pump the breaks. People are going to compare notes and see me as the puppet master

My idea to get Toph safe is to flip either Ruthie or Ashley to vote out the other or Ricky. I think it's a good plan. Not only can I blame the outsider for the misvote, but I also gain an ally in Toph when I get to merge. It'll be perfect. I need him here to show that I can be manipulative, I can lie, and I can make big moves against my own allies. I want to start building a resume now, but even if Toph does go, it will not be a bad thing for me.

Okay, so I feel quite responsible for what has happened from this tribal. I'm not telling the others that though. I know it was my plan but unless someone actually blames it on me I'm just going to be that I don't know her gif. And besides, with my plan, it involved ONE person going right, and other people added the two-three people going right to ensure tribal. At least Espirito doesn't know the plan was mine. That would hurt me especially when we get to merge... if I get to merge.

So, Toph and Ray going to tribal wasn't a big deal until Toph blew up on Rafael even after Toph GAVE him permission to go right. Which was absolutely idiotic. Both the telling and the blowing up. This boy has no filter and never thinks before he acts. I keep telling him to calm down but he doesn't calm down. He's digging his own grave and I can't help him.

Honestly, if we lose Toph this tribal, I'll be upset, but Toph was becoming too much of a handful. Both Amanda and I agree on that. Even if Toph doesn't go home, I may have to distance myself from him. I don't want to be known as Toph's ally once he gets voted off because I will be next. And I keep telling this boy not to bring up my name but he KEEPS DOING IT. He keeps trusting people he shouldn't. He keeps giving away too much information. I'm so worried about how he is affecting my game. If Toph goes this tribal, may it's meant to be... yikes.

Ok im not playing that good of a game atm bc I'm busy af however I'm getting so much info being relayed to me by michael soo I'm waiting on what to do with it so watch out! but anyways i love being a sneaky bitch by going right and now one of my teammates are going!!! yayayayy! that means my alliance(s) will be easier to win the majority! and also i don't like toph or ray that that much but I'm gonna try to "help" toph with the idol to be able to get it

I like how Ashley says, "Jesus take the wheel," when I have the idol and I can take control of what happens at any tribal that I go to :^)

I'm just so happy having the idol because I know that no one else can possibly have it on this tribe. I'm not gonna make it control me, but I love not worrying about other people on my tribe having idols and voting with confidence.

Too many people from Salão are idol hunting right now, myself included, and it's real obvious to Espirito that we're scrambling in light of the immunity challenge. Can you blame us? Espirito keeps judging us as if they wouldn't do the same in our position smh

What's the tea? Wanna here the tea hunty well it's about to be spilt. I honestly have to fucking clue as to if im staying in the game. Im trying to work with Ashley and trying to get her to flip on her tribe since her being an outsider. But honestly she holds the keep my game and i feel like she's about to throw it away. I honestly only trust Emily.

Bitch... i have this tribe wrapped around my finger searching for this idol for me. I have literally gotten everyone to tell me we're they have searched and got francie to tell me her clue. There is only 3 more spots for me, Emily and Amanda too search in. And honestly im kinda happy that I'll either have the idol In my backpocket, or that one of my tribe mates will have it.

All these tribes are shady. I'm gonna be pretending (and actually being) really inactive tomorrow but I'm gonna hope I find that idol. If I do it's time to cause chaos! If I do find it I'm going to tell everyone to just vote me out so I don't have to stress on my vacation, then I'm going to SAVE MYSELF! It may be unnecessary I don't even know but I trust NO ONE And Ashley's big mouth told Ricky that people should go after abbey and Amanda Lynn not us when he confronted us about being close. DOESNT SHE KNOW RICKY AND ABBEY ARE CLOSE UGHHHHH Ashley Sarah idk who is more crackedt in this game me or you hehe

What's the tea? Wanna here the tea hunty well it's about to be spilt, fuck this game is crazy. Right now the guy I thought wanted me gone is now in an alliance with me. I see you boo. Emily, Rafeal, Amanda G, bryce, And i are working together but I don't competly trust it. Because i feel like that im on the bottom. The over the top bitch can not be on the bottom hunty.

I am so happy! I am making really good friends with Amanda G, Bryce, Rafael, and (of course), Toph! We all bonded by Amanda G's accidental tribe chat and then we just stayed on for like four hours. We have spilled so much tea about both tribes and created an alliance called Amanda and the Mafia. We're iconic. I have discovered that Toph and Rafael faked their fight in the tribe chat. I hate them. And also, Rafael has deduced that Will is a snake and voted for Zoe. This information doesn't really help me too much because I'm not on Espirito but, come merge, I'll know not to trust him. And no one trusts Ricky. I don't have much to say because it's 4:26am and I can't focus. I'll probably update my confessions tomorrow when I have more sense. Goodnight.

Last night, Amanda G accidentally called the One World chat and a lot of people had gotten on. It went well, and I feel like everyone bonded who was there. Then, people started leaving and it was only me, Amanda G, Emily, Toph, and Bryce in the chat. We got to talking and played some games like mafia and town of salem. We really bonded overnight. So we started an alliance called Amanda and the Mafia because Amanda does not have a computer to play mafia so we were all playing but she wasn't. Now I feel bad for sending Toph to tribal when we've become allies. The team's plan is to flip the vote onto Ray instead of Toph. I've already planted some seeds in Ruthie and Toph has been talking to Ricky and Ashley. If they don't flip the vote, Amanda G, Bryce, and I plan on "exposing" Toph by saying he has an idol and plans on playing it for himself. That way our tribe votes off Ray. However, something interesting came up in this talk. Bryce was the one who voted for Ashley at the first tribal. That means that him, Amanda G, and Zoe voted Ashley while me and Mo voted off Ricky. That means that Will had to have been the fifth vote for Zoe. Also, Ricky told Toph that he hates me because I voted him at the first tribal. Who could have told him that? The only people who knew were Zoe, Mo, Amanda G, and Will. Zoe was gone by this point and Mo wouldn't have said anything to Ricky so it comes down to Amanda G and Will. Most likely, Will told Ricky and set the plan in motion to vote out Zoe. Not only that, he also exposed me to Ricky for Ricky to target me. Will is a snake. A scheming, lying snake. This alliance will be beneficial to say the least. I hope this alliance does well. I like everyone there and want to go far with them.

Okay so Amanda accidentally calling the one world chat turned out to be i.conic. We talked for a while with a bunch of people but as it got later it was just Me, Amanda G, Emily, Toph, And Raf. They decided that they wanted to make an alliance out of the people in the call and I thought they were joking but then a chat was made so I knew it was real. I was hesitant about it at first because Raf is kind of uncontrollable and outs info easy but I learned to trust everyone. We figured out that Will must have voted Zoe instead of Ashley like he said, although I am still unsure if it was Will or Amanda G with the wonkie vote. Either way I really lose this new group and hope Toph can stay for this tribal and that someone on our tribe flips to help him and gets Ray instead. Emily is my fave Gemini so go that!

Honeslee idc anymore I don't wanna play this hard this early. Newbies can have the game it's too much work to be a target so early for no reason

now that nayeli found the idol I'm excited and really can't wait to tell everyone toph or emily has the idol because they've been searching so much and they can flip on them! I'm loving this because now i have something i can throw onto someone else!!!:))) and that means another week of safety

Ugh, so idk if I talked about it but Emily had this brilliant plan that I'm pretty sure the other tribe also had and it backfired and no Toph is probably getting voted out. But I would love for it to be Ricky bc he terrifies me and I opened my big mouth Ashley Never-Make-Any-Moves-And-Stay-Loyal-To-The-People-I-Start-The-Game-With-Even-If-It-Means-I-Lose-In-The-End-Hello-Switzerland Sarah. She's also the only one, besides Ricky, that knows that me and Abbey are close. So. They both gotta go. I'm really hoping word doesn't get to Ricky that I've been talking about him. I wouldn't have if he could truly put our past behind him, but he isn't so! On another note, Toph has the entire tribe searching for the idol. Which, if they are telling the truth, is great. But I doubt they are. I'm still keep track on my list of what people say they searched, but I really doubt everyone is telling him the truth. I mean everyone is looking so I'm gonna keep looking and hopefully I find it, but I really doubt it. Will I give it to Toph if I find it? I don't know. But here's hoping he lives anyway.

OK SO ive got two cute little alliances, one with ricky and will, the other with ricky and amanda. amanda is my ride or die, i wont ever write her name down unless shes winnin. that being said the alliance with ricky and will is really cute and i feel like the three of us are really clicking. i know ricky has to go eventually, bc him and amanda cant work together long term. im stressed. ashley wants me and amanda gone bc she knows were a pair. amanda wants ricky gone sooner than later which is reasonable but im worried if he goes ill be a sitting duck till a swap. deep sigh

Every time the word idol is mentioned anywhere everyone freaks out and I'm really starting to get tired of it like y'all are just.... setting yourselves up for failure

The tea is that Nayeli has Salao's idol and now Toph can't get it. So our plan is to frame it so that Toph has an idol and our tribe will vote out Ray. We even made Toph write out a "finding the idol" reaction so that I can copypaste it into the espirito chat.

Fuck man. Nayeli has the idol and right now i feel so defeated, she is one of the only people I haven't talked with. Right now no one going to tribal will talk to me, and I honestly just wanna curl into a ball and cry. Right now me, ray, or ashely are the target, And i have no idea who's working with who. Im fucked man.

Im getting fucked over by some Disney ass loving bitch, A nasty fake ass snake in the sand, and some rock bitch that won't flip.

So last night, there was a group made which consists of me, Toph, Emily, Bryce, and Rafael. It was made when I accidentally called the One World Beach and I'm really proud that I did that because if I didn't, we wouldn't have found out that Will was a snake.

AMANDA HAS THE FUCKING IDOL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SDJGKBIOEHBTDFUHW ESGDHBAS DHKNEIOV WG.

Amanda has balded me toph is staying??? im shook. I love this game

Ricky can go eat a snake because I'm done with it, he's shady he's done nothing in this game and believe me when I say this he will go home pre merge catch the tea on that!

I'm very worried about tribal tonight. I really don't want Toph to go. Now that I'm in an alliance with Toph, Rafael, Bryce, and Amanda G, I really don't want to lose him and be the only Salao in this alliance. Rafael and Toph have a plan to fake Toph having an idol and I'm WORRIED about it. This plan is more than likely not going to work, get Toph voted out, AND put a target on Rafael's back for helping Toph, a member of the other tribe. People will be able to see right through the plan if they're smart enough. It's very unlikely that Toph would tell Rafael that he found an idol if Toph yelled at Rafael just last night for sending him to tribal. Both Toph and Rafael are being a little risky and I'm scared. Ricky, Ashley, and Ruthie literally have Toph's fate in their hands. And none of them are coming online. I'm shook. We need their help. Where are they??? Our whole alliance, the NFPs, are going crazy searching for idols. Toph believes Nayeli has the idol and that it was in spot 126. Rafael, Amanda G, and Bryce are searching like crazy as well. This is hard. Amanda Lynn also approached me with an alliance of her, Ali T, and Francie, and I'm so into it. I love those three. I've been wanting to work with Ali and Francie for a while and I'm happy Amanda is proposing we all align tonight. ALSO: IN THE MIDDLE OF CALL, AMANDA G HAS REVEALED TO US THAT SHE HAS AN IDOL!!! OH MY GOD!!! WE CAN SAVE TOPH WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!! I love Amanda G so much this is ICONIC. I CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW EXCITED I AM!!! I'm so excited!!! I'm hoping that Toph can flip the votes nonetheless and Amanda can keep her idol for herself. I know it's unlikely but I'm hoping for the best!!! I'm about to go to rehearsal and I hope I don't miss anything too significant. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

BITCH HOLY FUCK! MY ASS IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE HUNTY. AMANDA G FOUND THAT IDOL AND HAS SAVED MY ASS! WHAT A HOLY QUEEN! MY EDGES ARE SCULPED. THAT IDOL WILL BE USED AND I WILL BE STAYING HERE HUNTYS! IM GONNA LEAVE THESES BITCHIES SHOOKITH

i found the idol and it was my first time looking and i hadnt looked before bc i didn't think i would find it but i did and toph literally went around to everyone telling them what numbers to look for like sis get out my pms we've only talked like twice. i told him i hadnt found anything bc at that time i had already searched but the hosts hadn't notified me that i had gotten but i wouldn't have told him i had it anyway.

what i think is real cute tho is that he exposes me in the chat and tells people i have AND THEN sis deletes the messages and tries to pm me and say hi and how he's scared he'll get voted out like bitch you think you sly i literally the messages and then you deleted them so cute real cute I didn't tell the icons alliance i had the idol bc i wasn't planning on using it on any of them lol so i just said i didnt tell them i had it but since toph exposed me i kinda had no choice

i told them and i played it off as i wanted to keep under wraps for a time we really needed and that i would use it on them if they ever needed it and so far it seems to have worked they seem okay with it but idk we'll see

anyway toph is who want out next, dude exposed me which literally isn't smart bc he could have just told me he knew i had the idol and kinda made a deal with me but exposing me just made him someone i want to target and aside from that he literally messaged everyone telling them where to look for the idol and gwen and michael didnt like that so they're down to get him out as am i and we just need 2 more people(amanda and ali) to be down. also the icons alliance is the majority since we're five so if that goes right we can make merge.

Bitch these fake ass people are so fucking fake. When i wipe out thst idol these fake ass bitchs will be quaking in there socks. Bye bye Ashley!

I am so excited. Toph is playing his idol and he's staying. Ashley is going home. I'm making sure everyone thinks I'm alone and out of the loop. I'm currently talking to Will. I am telling him no one in my tribe is talking to me because I didn't put myself out there enough and yadayadayada. I do have a few allies, so I'm good. But I want Will to think I'm alone come tribe swap. He may want to take me under his wing and I can use that to my advantage. I'm just so excited to see Toph play his idol and everyone be Shooketh™.

Amanda is still a queen, I wish we could have saved the idol for later but I guess this is what we have to do to keep toph. Toph needs to lay low hopefully. Will apparently is a snake but I still trust him FDKJDSHKFJDSJK. Ashley should be going home which will be hopefully good for us. Also I need to try to make sure I'm in with my alliance more and that I'm not the 5th wheel.

I tried to help Toph get the idol to keep him safe at tribal but was unsuccessful. The ideal would be for an Espirito member to get voted out at tribal somehow though that's pretty unlikely yet I would honestly rather Ray be voted off than Toph because he's been more inactive and I feel like Toph would be a better ally. I've talked to him a lot and I trust him whereas I know almost nothing about Ray so I would rather him go.

I lowkey have this fear that if Ray stays (which it looks like he will) he's gonna try and call me a snake or turn people on me but... he's also an asshole and people already seem to be in agreement with me over that. I do feel bad for Toph, but it's gotta be someone and right now that's the best option. Me, Ricky, and Abbey are still a solid swing position on our tribe and I'm good with enough people on our tribe and the other tribe that like... I think I'd be fine in a swap. But for now it's just a slow, chill game and we'll have to wait it out

Bye toph why did you spill the tea that Nayeli has an idol you duck and you're dead to me lowkey

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163541929473/tribal-council-3-one-world-exiles

LAST WORDS: No tea

Ray becomes the third person voted out of Survivor Azores

#imthegreatergood #episodes

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