#also her goth outfit is based on a fit i saw on my first day of last semester of uni

[amphibiaan]

ya'll love Jester fashion or what?

#Jester #jester lavorre #digital art #dnd #dungeons and dragons #critical role #Jester critical role #chubby Jester supremacy #also her goth outfit is based on a fit i saw on my first day of last semester of uni #also also afro puff jester is my new favourite hc

[aeondeug]

Ok so I made a post about why I didn’t like Gideon initially and I’ve talked to others about it. And I’ve seen a lot of people having the reverse experience. Which is cool, I think. And one I’m not surprised by if I think about how the two characters are introduced initially. Like, maybe Gideon’s humor is dumb but also she’s not the one being like “Oh man, it is time to systematically destroy this woman’s hopes that she has finally done it and escaped from me and my hell planet,” at the start of the book. Harrow is though. Harrow’s intro is very...Harrow. It’s very fitting for what is learned about her later on.

Anyway. I feel a desire to like. Write about the other half of this equation. And why it was that I instantly latched onto Harrow so hard. So like I said in the first post. Harrow’s got STYLE. She’s got like bone jewelry and wears all black and has skull face paint. She uses her own blood as ink for her fountain pen (it being a fountain pen matters) and she gets said blood by stabbing herself in the cheek. Also she’s a necromancer, which is just icing on the cake. Harrow’s entire fashion statement appeals to me as someone raised by a goth who ended up like...Never goth fashion or subculture wise, but someone who was a kid that Dreamed of being goth fashion wise. Alas, I went to a boring uniform school and also was too nervous of such things.

Harrow just LOOKS cool. Harrow is the sort of person that a dumb 13 year old me would have found the coolest and have viewed as like. An Aspiration. Even though she’s kind of a dumbass and also a dick. I was an edgelord of a kid and an edgelord who knew who Bauhaus were before I could read.

So Harrow’s instantly got fashion on her side. And she’s got her attitude. Which is also important. She does things for style and looks. The narration, which is from Gideon’s perspective, describes the fountain pen filling thing as “one of Harrow’s favorite party tricks”, I believe is the quote. When asked about why there are suddenly skulls all over their room her sole answer to this question is “Ambiance”. And she clearly cares about how she looks. Her paint is often described and a point is made that Gideon’s is not as well put on hers. Also? Her outfit? She’s got like. The bone wrist circlet thingies and her bone studs and her bone choker and the fucking bone chest thing that I am forgetting the word for right now. Harrow cares about appearances.

Which also shows in like...She makes a good show of how well read she is. Takes pride in that fact not just privately, but lets people know it. She runs off and tries to stubbornly do a puzzle on her own. The thing to wake her up from her near death stupor from failing in that is something insinuating they are better than her. And she’s still half dying but takes the time to state that, no, SHE is the best necromancer. Harrow’s got an ego and that shows from early on. Through things like how she dresses, how she talks, how she treats Gideon...

And I saw that and I just kind of instantly latched on. While reading early in the book and seeing her do a bitchy thing, I once joked that “Has anyone ever hugged Harrow?” and then jokingly decided that “No. No one’s hugged Harrow before.” This was a joke that I had made as someone with a rather neglectful family in several respects. And as someone whose general well being in their home was decided by how good I appeared in comparison to the other kids. In that sort of situation, not having much else, I took great pride in my being well read. In being Smart. This eventually made me insufferable as hell and that was crushed into the dirt. Either way, depressing story time aside. I made a joke that indicated that, early on, I had pegged Harrow as someone similarly neglected. As someone with a similar lack of anything going on.

Turns out I was right. Her situation’s very different from my own because of course it is. This is a book about space necromancers, after all. But she was a neglected child. One who had to grow up far too fast and who had a very strict and overbearing religious upbringing. Does that sort of thing cause that sort of concern for aesthetics and bitchery? I dunno. But I made a guess, as a joke, and the guess appeared to be right.

Another thing that I made a bet on with this early on was like...The nature of the relationship. They are the only two of their generation on that planet. Gideon is made out immediately to be like an indentured servant of the family. While Harrow is immediately revealed to be a high status fancy nun queen with a fancy title. Harrow’s parents are dead by that point and had been dead for a while. But, I knew, that theoretically they were not dead at some point. A point which Gideon had to be old enough to remember, given some of the comments made. Based on their antagonism towards one another and this set up...

A part of me wondered if like they had in fact had like a Favorite and Unfavorite dynamic as kids. Or I guess not actively wondered but like. The thought was in mind. Because I had grown up as The Favorite in a terrible home which had an Unfavorite. And this makes you a terrible person as a kid. So I saw these very small signs at the start of a book which hides most of the cool Harrow facts and interactions in its latter sections. And was like, on some level like, “Ah. You’re a bitch to her because you’re The Favorite. In part.”

I am kind of always looking for abused and neglected Favorites in fiction. One of my favorite characters is Azula. And I’m very fond of Gamora. I have a tendency to find them and latch onto them because like...I am still working through things. A lot of things. Sometimes seeing it in the things I read makes the stuff I am working through less terrifying. Sometimes it gives me a sense of hope. Either way, seeing a thing that is at least somewhat similar helps. And I look out for it. And Harrow apparently just gave off. The Aura. From the very start.

Because lo and behold, she was neglected as fuck and, indeed, the Favorite while Gideon was an Unfavorite so unfavorited that she was viewed as basically cursed and horrifying. And then Harrow was a mean bastard of a child towards her. And then it turns out that Harrow has like 10,000 weird guilt issues. Some of which involve her treatment of Gideon now because...How on earth could you even like her when you grew up with her? Like. How.

But even before those reveals later on...I had been making my guesses. Enough so that one of my earlier jokes about the book was about how no one ever hugged Harrow and how she is out doing this shit for some sense of fucking acknowledgement for once. Because maybe if you’re acknowledged that like...Will count. As your Actual True Affection quota for the day. Harrow was not just stylish and mysterious. She also had little bits and bobs, either that she revealed herself in her few appearances in the early portion of GtN or which were revealed by way of how Gideon talks about her and acts about her, which hinted towards the basic idea of what Harrow’s deal even was.

I did not guess the exact specifics of Harrow’s deal because who the hell could divine that from the first act of the first book. But I did guess at the core idea laying behind the specifics of that deal. And the deal was that she was the neglected but favored child in a really shitty home, who has ended up with an ungodly amount of guilt issues for her behavior and general existence. And it made her mean, guarded, and protective of her image and it gave her an ego sky high. Which you can all see in the first portion of the book to an extent. Even though she is very scarce in said first portion. Which I think is either a tantalizing mystery of “What the fuck is even your problem, Harrow?” or like just enough info in just the right way for people with a similar experience to go “lol no one hugged you when you were a kid” with a knowing prescience.

#the locked tomb #harrowhark nonagesimus #my experience was basically my instantly pegging her for having the same sort of damage #and making fun of her for it #and then realizing i was right and feeling progressively sadder for her

[amphtaminedreams]

A/W 2020 Fashion Month & Top 20 Collections: Before Vogue Went Blank (Part 4)

Hi all,

Welcome to part 4! It’s gonna be a bit of a shorter one because I wasn’t sure if I could fit the last few collections into my part 3 since I also want to include a ranking of my favourite F/W20 shows. I have so many ideas for what I’d like my next few posts to be (there’ll probably be a bit of gap between them as I would like to try and get some fiction writing in too) and I need help and recommendations on one post in particular so I thought I’d open by explaining that if anyone would like to send me suggestions! The post is basically going to highlight the often under-appreciated personal style of PoC, and I’d also like to make sure I include all types of bodies and genders and ethnicities (other than white girls, as we get enough credit as it is, all a tall, skinny blonde woman has to do is wear some light wash jeans, heels and a blouse and high fashion Twitter are posting non-stop about how incredible her style is)! This can be a celebrity, a model, an influencer or even just one of your friends if you think they deserve some hype too! Obviously there’s only so many photos I can include but I will make sure to look at any suggestions, though of course I’m gonna be biased towards the grungier looks; I gave Dolls Kill a pass for a long time because I thought the brand had changed and become more responsible over the last few years but since Shoddy Lynn’s thoughtless Instagram post during the protests last month and then her lacklustre response video, I say fuck that “goth is white” bullshit, alternative black women are hot af. I’ll also make sure to include a list of my favourite black owned clothing lines I’ve seen people talking about on Twitter and Instagram so again, if you have any suggestions feel free to inbox me. Other than that, I have a couple of lookbooks planned and after, either a post about my favourite shows for style inspiration OR a lookbook depending on whether I have the clothes to do it already/can source a few things from Depop-Depp-I’ve made a commitment not to buy anything new for the next couple of months and I want to stick to that this time round! I’d also like to do a general collation of my favourite summer outfits, an almost scrapbook-y kinda post, and another post on some of my favourite fashion icons (I’ll probs end up repeating a lot of the women from the post I was talking about above but I’ll try and include different outfits to keep it varied!). 

Now, into the final part, and the top 20, starting with Tory Burch (I’m really pissed off because I added an unnecessary E in after the R and now Tumblr is once again being stupid and not saving any of my editing changes-also I said on the next post instead of in in the last paragraph and my anal-retentiveness is kicking into high gear). 

You’d think it’s a kinda anti-climatic one to open with but I do like this collection! It reminds me a bit of last season’s Miu Miu but more so of Brock’s general aesthetic, though with more layers and in some ways to its detriment, a lot more wearable. Looking like something from a bygone era is part of what gives Brock its mystique, but Burch’s designs are practically made for the Chelsea born and bred lifestyle blogger who dresses for a cold spell in the Coachella valley all year long and treats trawling Pimlico’s furniture shops and meeting their girlfriends for coffee like it’s a full-time job. She’s probably born into money and doesn’t work all that hard but hey, she looks angelic holding a bouquet of flowers and in 2020 we all low-key want her life, right? It’d go against my ethics but...*whispers* it would be nice to be that girl just for a couple of days. It is a gorgeous collection, with a lush colour palette and an ever graceful variety of prints and textures, and it toes the line of being accessible and being worthy of a fashion week spot with dexterity. 8/10 and it only loses marks because it’s safe for the brand.

When it comes to Valentino, they’re a pretty reliable favourite for me, and this season’s collection doesn’t break tradition; this one is slightly grittier than usual too which is a big win for me. Whilst the usual sophistication and delicate details are there, quirky embroidery, sequins and tulle, we also get a lot of leather and more black than usual, which I pray doesn’t a herald a return to people thinking “I only own black clothes and listen to Artic Monkeys” is a personality trait. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but there seems to be a lot of aquatically inspired pieces in this collection too; the 3d roses resemble scales to me (and are a really unique texture), and the way the tulle is placed kinda reminds me of fins and has a mermaid on land feel. It wouldn’t surprise me, since Valentino does tend to draw from nature quite a bit. Highs for me were the Valentino red tulle piece and the tulle pieces in general, of course with the embroidered florals as well which the basic bitch in me always looks forward to. The few lows were concentrated in the leopard print section, a print that for me is really overdone and reminds me of recent Dolce and Gabbana. It was cool when layered with the matching coat but I otherwise could’ve done without it.

Vera Wang is another one of my reliable faves-I think I like this collection even more than the last, it really is a fucking DREAM. The overly floral pieces I wasn’t too keen on but I’ll ignore that on the basis that as with Gucci, the tulle-harness combo is everything I look for in a dress and more. I know manic-pixie-dream-girl is a bit of a slur (not a slur slur but you know what I mean) in terms of the associated character, but this 90s Courtney Love grunge twist on that aesthetic is gold, fully realised big anarchist fairy energy (which is a screen name I’m surprised I don’t see more often and which I might now steal). These dresses were made for someone like Zoe Kravitz or FKA Twigs on the red carpet, and if god forbid I somehow ever ended up on one, I would go to the ends of the earth to be wearing one of the dresses from this collection. Aside from the dresses, I appreciated the moody doesn’t-want-to-be-at-the-family-function teenager inspired sleeves and the 2014 Tumblr Cruel Intentions style knee high socks. Love, love, LOVE it.

So, Versace started off strong with the all black looks-the cut outs were cute if impractical and the fit and flare trousers in particularly were really well fitted (from a distance, at least). I hated the film Red Sparrow but the visuals were very cool, and this section reminded me of that, like a high fashion collection based on Jennifer Lawrence’s character. There were some stunning colour combos in the Ashish like hyper-floral part too, and the houndstooth, marble and Versace tile prints were sick. The black jumper with the flowers on reminds me of a jumper of my nan’s I always wanted that my aunty ended up donating to a charity shop after she died not knowing I liked it. Gutted (not just about the jumper obviously, looool).

HOWEVER, as with many 91 look collections, it was sloppy at times. A lot of pieces I at first liked (I.E the silver dress we saw Kendall Jenner in, included above) are kind of unfinished up close. There was also a big varsity inspired section which was nice at times but got pretty repetitive and occasionally looked like it could pass for Jack Wills or a bad Michael Kors collection. On the whole, it had both its pros and its cons which puts it directly in the middle of the pack.

Victoria Beckham’s collection is near the lower-middle quartile when it comes to plotting the highs and lows of the F/20 collections. The pieces are pretty and accessible, I’d definitely wear them, but they’re predictable and mostly a rip-off of other brands who did something similar in a more interesting way. Though her collections are never really experimental, this one is particularly safe, and she and whoever helped design this season’s pieces were clearly avoiding the edges of the box like a child playing the floor is lava. It’s alright, and I hate coming towards the end of the post with negativity, but I have to be honest, and this just doesn’t really interest me beyond a “yeah, that’s nice” glance.

Vivienne Westwood, on the other hand, is always interesting whether I would actually wear it myself or not. Despite the mix and matchiness that is essential to the deconstructed look, which being the basic bitch I am I often struggle to see past, there were some gorgeous pieces and eurgh, I could really talk about that Bella Hadid look all day. The contrast between the exaggerated femininity of the waist cinchers against the androgyny of the less structured, oversized pieces is a really interesting one and the colour combinations work beautifully together. I also love the idea behind the collection, which is, in the words of Andreas Kronthaler about “rites of spring, and the good and the bad, and conflict, and the good prevailing over evil”. Ahhh, I hear you say. THAT’S what’s with the garlic necklace. Can I get another pat on the back for summing up this collection as “vampire slaying uniform” in my notes? I mean, that’s kind of a good vs. evil situation, isn’t it? I know it’s hard to ignore how hot vampires always are in TV series and movies but just think of the true forms of the ones off Penny Dreadful and remember THEY DRINK BLOOD (I personally think being a vampire would be really cool, just need to work out how to do it “ethically”).

Lastly, Zimmerman, and I really can’t say how happy I am to end on a positive note because this collection was stunning. Not without all the characteristically ornate, indulgent and painstakingly detailed efforts we’ve come to expect from Nicky and Simone Zimmerman, these looks (in an icy winter themed colour palette as well) are the offspring of a sophisticated flower child and a 70s glam rocker and I think with this sentence I’ve finally put my style aspirations into words. Honestly, give me the money to produce a modern day Almost Famous and I’ll make my character this no-nonsense intersectional feminist front woman of a fictional Haim-like band who sings with the voice of an angel but is rock and roll as fuck and eats men for breakfast and I’ll put her in this collection and (deep breath) it would be ICONIC. There. Got to the point eventually. Am I talking about a 2020s version of Steve Nicks? Possibly. After all, I do have a framed illustration of her on my wall. But regardless, I need those lace-up velvet BOOTS, that mesh dress with the celestial embroidery, the flame detail pieces, the white pussy bow blouse with the eyes on it. Everything is sooo dreamy; when I was looking through the collection for my favourites, I saved pretty much every. single. look. IT’S EVERYTHING I STRIVE TO BE. WHY CAN’T I AFFORD ZIMMERMAN GOD DAMN IT!?

See, I’ll be going on about Zimmerman in a couple of paragraphs again because it will be very high in my top 20, which I’m so glad is a top 20 BTW. I know I said it would be a top 10 in my last post because I thought that was how I structured it last time but I double checked and it is 20, which is a relief; once again, picking only 10 collections would be very hard. SO! Let’s get into it!

1. Gucci

I hate being predictable but Gucci once again holds the top spot for me. How could I not love this? I would say that I hope Alessandro Michele fucks up next season so I don’t come off as a boot licker but when the boots in question are platform Mary Janes and knee high socks and they’re underneath tulle with BDSM inspired harnesses on top...maybe boot sole doesn’t taste so bad after all.

2. Zimmerman

Well, I did say it wouldn’t be long until you were seeing the same outfits again, so at least you know my word is good.

3. Moschino

Wow, as if putting Gucci first again wasn’t bad enough, Moschino’s also a non-mover. But...Marie Antoinette this season and Picasso last? And this campy? It’s like Jeremy Scott reached into my brain magician-into-a-top-hat-style, picked out an interest of mine at random, and tried to communicate this to me through the medium of design with THE most chaotic energy humanly possible. I an only commend the man, because he succeeded, and I approve. It’s weird because before I always saw Jeremy Scott’s designs as tacky and yet I’ve loved all the collections I’ve reviewed, so I must ask...are the collections getting less tacky or am I getting more tacky? Much to think about.

4. Vera Wang

The battle armour of a punk princess. Not very good at protecting against knives, arrows, bullets or...anything really, but I’ve never really been the kind of person to get into physical fights (apart with a bouncer who tried to push me down the stairs once at an ABBA night but I was really drunk and she was mean, alright!?), so who cares? Nobody can make you do anything in dresses this pretty.

5. Lanvin

I’m a few years behind everyone else but I’m still on the Mad Men hype train and I don’t ever want to get off. All I wish is that Betty Draper had *SPOILERS* divorced Don’s detty arse earlier and rode off into the sunset in that white Bella Hadid coat with the red lip to match (or the checkered one above will do).

6. Etro

As long as she remains the queen of dreamy bohemian fashion, I’m not gonna do Etro dirty by putting her any lower than this ever again on the basis that she’s not conceptual enough which ashamedly is what I implied in my last ranking-yes, Etro is a she because just as most women deserve more from men, she is beautiful and deserves better than my previous disrespect! I said what I said. 

7. Dilara Findikoglu

I see your Thom Browne and your Commes Des Garcons and I raise you my “weird”-though-not-actually-that-weird-at-all-can-we-all-just-dress-like-this-on-a-day-to-day-basis-please? fave, Dilara.

8. Paco Rabanne

Battle armour that actually COULD protect you against knives, arrows, and bullets. Maybe. Well, you’d hope so anyway for the price.

9. Rodarte

Suddenly my phobia of spiders has evaporated. And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that these ones are diamond encrusted, what are you on about?

10. Alberta Ferretti

The colour combinations in this collection were stunning. Honestly. I just picked a really bad pic to illustrate that. Go read my first post to see (grifting 101: complete)!

11. Charlotte Knowles

I saw Bella Hadi wearing a Charlotte Knowles two piece, so I bought a Charlotte Knowles two piece. 

LMAOOO, I wish.

12. Balenciaga

It’s occurred to me a couple of posts too late now on the basis that Tumblr is being a dick and won’t go back and let me edit stuff, even little typos, but I’m now wondering if there’s a link between the climate change theming of the show and the exaggerated structures of the pieces? Ya know, the whole abundance is killing the planet line of thinking? I know analysis isn’t exactly on brand with these silly mini captions and that oversized and exaggerated proportions is one of Balenciaga’s running motifs anyway buuut just a thought I had! And sidenote: I do believe overconsumption is killing the planet! The way I phrased that made it seem like I’m a climate change denying dickhead! That I am not! Maybe if I shave my head, legally change my name to Steve, get a British flag tattoo on my bicep, and spend every waking moment in my nearest Spoons I’ll get there but it’s not on the agenda quite yet!

13. Christopher Kane

If fashionable robots took over the world, they’d raid Christopher Kane’s studio and fry us all with laser beams whilst wearing his dresses.

14. Fendi

Siri, play Vroom Vroom by Charli XCX.

15. Olivier Theyskens 

Mandarin collar. Mandarin collar. Mandarin collar. NEXT TIME I WILL REMEMBER WHAT THE PROPER NAME IS INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO GOOGLE IT AGAIN. Come on brain, you’re supposed to be good at this kinda thing, make it happen.

16. Elie Saab

Blair Waldorf’s wet dream. Add in some platform boots and chain jewellery and now it’s my wet dream too.

Because Chuck Bass is creepy as FUCK and maybe it’s because I watched Gossip Girl at the ripe old age (lol) of 21 and most people watch it as teenagers but I don’t know why YOU WERE ALL SO OBSESSED WITH HIM! He tries to sexually assault Jenny who is about 14 in the VERY FIRST EPISODE. I think I went off on a tangent here but it had to be said. You girls have no taste.

Don Draper was an absolute dog, but he was played by Jon Hamm, and he might be one of the finest men on the planet. What’s your excuse, Chuck and Blair enthusiasts?

17. Miu Miu

As someone who has probably been/met many a spoilt brat in her time, I appoint Miu Miu as the official sponsor of the Spoilt Brat™ aesthetic and yeah, that’s something I just made up but I’m on the money here. Imagine one of those “daddy, can you get me a pony?” types all grown up. Are you telling me you don’t picture her in Miu Miu? Because that sounds like a lie.

18. YSL

The war flashbacks I get of the Friends episode where Ross tries to get out of those leather trousers aside (I know it’s PVC her not leather but they have the same sheen, you can’t deny it), these outfits turn me into the irl version of the heart eyes emoji. It’s not like I think this is the best collection I’ve ever seen, YSL could def push the boat out a bit in terms of experimentation, but there aren’t many people who wouldn’t look hot as fuck in one of these pieces

19. Balmain

I didn’t like ALL of it, but the looks that I did like were amongst the ones that stuck out to me most when I was reflecting on the collections I’ve reviewed: the breast plates and silk capes and the scorpion detailing are real chef’s kiss moments.

20. Marques Almeida

Miss the collection that gave us this coat off the list? Never.

SO!

That is the end! Wow! I started saving the photos for this review back in late January/early February or whenever it was that the first fashion week began and now it’s mid-fucking July!? I don’t know if that speaks more to my incompetency or what a state the last few months have been. I’m not gonna write a super long ending paragraph because you’ve heard enough from me already and it’s 2:30am and I’m being hassled by Trump supporters on Twitter (literally just for stating that it’s a privilege to be able to pursue a career you truly have a passion for rather than having to be practical about finances first) anddddd I’ve got a closing shift tomorrow so I should probably log the fuck off and remove my clown makeup before it’s time to start my shift, lol!

Quick recommendation before I wrap this up, there was a really interesting debate on ITV literally a few hours ago on the Stephen Lawrence case that I thought I would recommend (they also showed the 1999 dramatic portrayal of events afterwards) about racism in England and whether or not much has changed since the murder. I didn’t catch the whole thing but from what I did see, there were some really strong points being made and I think it could be a good thing to sit and watch with your family members if you want to get talking about the Black Lives Matter movement and aren’t sure how to broach the topic. I bring it up because I feel like most middle-aged white people trust ITV so they’re less likely to turn their noses up (lol, I wish I was joking) at it and maybe go in with a more open mind. I’d like to keep the conversation about social issues going so if there’s anything you’d like me to get some information together on and make a post about-I read yesterday that there’d been arrests of THE PEOPLE PROTESTING the way Breonna Taylor’s death has been handled. No, not the police officers responsible for her death, the people simply pointing out that those police officers have done wrong. It’s a ridiculous situation and just shows how deeply embedded a police officer’s supposed right to kill and to use force is in upholding the American status quo. I wish I could end the post on better news, but let’s hope that next time I post, there is some, and as always thank you for reading til the end if you did get this far! I really don’t have all that many followers on here but do et me know if there’s anything I can reblog or share to help.

Lauren x

#fashion week #fashion #fashion inspo #style #style inspo #style critic #pfw #nyfw #balmain #balenciaga #paco rabanne #gucci #haute couture #designer #runway #ysl #brock #adut akech #bella hadid #model #street style #lfw

[fivegoldpieces]

Talks Machina at Gen-Con Q&A Highlights

Note: This only has the audience q&a portion. Cast answers are transcribed, side-comments and banter are only included if they are relevant to/answer the question posed. Apologies in advance to mobile-users if the read-more doesn't work - this is tagged as #long post if you want to blacklist it.

[[MORE]]

Q: For Matt; might we expect any possible homebrew releases coming out in the next year or so, like dunamancy?

Matt: I have plans. I can't say anything because I want things to be cool and surprising. But I have plans don't worry. It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't have time, but I'm working on it.

Q: For Taliesin; what would make Caduceus really angry?

Taliesin: I will say that he can get angry. It does happen. Juvenile disrespect does eventually get to him. Not a fan of pranking. I mean, you know, everybody's got some layer - there's some stuff. No one's that serene all the time. No one.

Q: For Taliesin; at the end of the Call of Cthulhu oneshot, you mentioned that you had a lot of mouse traps set up. I was just wondering, were the shadow people the most dangerous thing they could've released, or was there a more dangerous horror waiting that they managed to avoid?

Taliesin: I mean, if the cats had been released first, that would have definitely been an interesting thing. The cats would have been a problem. Also, if somebody had died really early, I was setting up a series of rules for dead players to continue to interact, which would have been really really unhappy and bad. And terrible rules for the things that were living behind the glass, and if you were stuck behind the glass, you were right there with them and they could really mess with you. Thankfully none of that happened.

Q: For Matt; you have the Tal'dorei Campaign Setting - I was wondering if you were going to do one for The Mighty Nein campaign?

Matt: I don't have a lot of time. Campaign settings are extensive. I'd like to eventually do something like that. I have materials, it's just assembling them in a way that can be legible by a non-crazy human being that I am. Hopefully! We'll see as time goes on. At the moment, we're consumed with this animated series that you guys helped make happen. Super excited about that. Keep an eye out as time goes on, because hopefully I'd like to get around to that. That'd be awesome.

Q: For Matt; what the hell was up with the undead vibe on Jamedi Cosko?

Matt: Yeah, that's crazy huh? That's a pretty weird thing. Yeah, there was something about him that gives off an undead vibe. Wonder what that means? I appreciate the question, but I don't know if that'll come back into play in some time. Let's see if it gets explored at some point, and if not at least I could tell you at the campaign wrap-up.

Q: For Travis; for the animated series, a lot of the characters have iconic catchphrases so I was wondering how you're going to translate "I would like to rage"?

Travis: Are we going to "translate" that? I think he's just going to say "I would like to rage". Yeah, we are definitely keeping iconic lines, moments, interactions, all those things will be there just as they were.

Taliesin: I'll also add to that - if you want to see somebody doing that and taking things that shouldn't actually work in-game and making them work in-game, Jody Houser is doing a great job in the comic book series of making you feel like somehow Matt is intertwined in everything that happens, it's kind of cool. Check it out!

Q: For Taliesin; a lot of comparisons have been thrown around between Fjord and Percy, and something that I noticed was Uk'otoa is being much more insistent than Orthax was - do you think if Orthax was as insistent and as keen on punishment, Percy might've gone a similar direction as Fjord?

Taliesin: Honest to God, and this is just from watching, I don't think Percy had nearly as strong a will as Fjord does. Watching Travis play Fjord was definitely like, "I did not have the balls to pull that off, oh my God." Percy was never about the hard choice, it was always about "what's the option C that I haven't figured out yet, there's a way to game my way out of this, if I just keep talking I can get everything to work" until the very end. Like chicken? Percy doesn't play chicken.

Laura (using Vex's voice): From firsthand knowledge, Percy does curtail very easily.

Matt: If you actually recall, Percy didn't even make the choice. Scanlan did for him.

Q: For Laura; when can we get a Caduceus tea set?

Laura: Oh, I heard a lot of "ooh's". Who would buy a Caduceus tea set? [audience applause] Well, shit, maybe I should look into it.

Sam: That's so many more people than who voted for me.

Brian: Not to be That Guy, lets just see how long his character lives, before we start making merchandise around him.

Q: For Sam; you are kind of the king of over-the-top and ostentatious whether it be with your character design, or your flasks, or things like that, and especially your outfits at the live events - how do you come up with these over-the-top creations and also how on earth do you plan on topping last night?

Sam: That last part will be hard. I think next year, I'll either come out totally naked or I'll just be so basic - pleated khakis, a polo shirt, I don't know. That outfit last night, it was pieced together from several different stores, I'm sure CritRoleCloset will figure it out at some point. But it was a challenge putting that together. And then, my fellow cast members, like two weeks after I bought all that weird stuff I wore, they were like, "hey let's go goth". So. Fuck you guys.

Q: For Travis; with Fjord's recent decision, do you see him changing outfits to fit his new or old persona?

Travis: I don't think so. Most of Fjord's armor was very piece-mail stuff that he got either from working on the docks, or stuff that he got from Vandren, or items that he was given just as he sort of accrued time and responsibility where he worked. I think that stuff's very dear to him, especially coming from an orphanage where he didn't have any possessions, so all those things that are actually his are very dear to him. He might add to those things, but I think underneath they'll stay there. He might augment them or change them a little bit, in the same way you would draw on your jeans in school or whatever, but that stuff's his so it means a lot to him.

Q: For Travis; after Fjord severed his pact with Uk'otoa, was there a larger fear in telling Beau and Jester what had happened, since he had been traveling with them the longest out of the Nein, or did his journeys with the Nein make that fear equal across all of the party?

Travis: I think actually he was worried about telling Beau and Jester the least, and maybe Caduceus in there as well. He knew he would hear about it from Nott, and Caleb had already sort of started to call him on his shit and saw through a lot of that stuff. He also regards the group as very powerful, so I think a lot of it is turning to his very powerful and talented friends and saying, "I don't have any of that anymore, I hope I can still play with you guys." Legit though, the response was amazing. It was absolutely incredible. Jester is so gregarious and loving and joyful and exuberant that I don't think he was worried about that, I think he was actually looking forward to telling her as one of the first people to know. And Beau is second-mate, so like ride-or-die or right?

Q: For Taliesin; I can totally be wrong for this, but just reading body language and facial features, there do seem to be moments where you're kind of just like, "I'm done with this" - I just kind of want advice, like how do you keep playing when your energy level might be low or you don't like where the story is going?

Taliesin: Oh, that is never "I'm done with this", what you're seeing is the "I'm trying to make sure no one notices that I'm reading my backstory notes". That's me reading, frantically. I'm a big believer in terror, terror is a great way to keep me up. "Oh God, I don't remember anybody's name, oh God how many siblings do I have oh God."

Marisha: Well, also you write your backstories like the Silmarillion, it's like, so intense. I'm like "my dad was mean to me" like that's my backstory.

Q: For Sam; based on the amazing reaction we've had to your DnDBeyond theme and the Critical Role theme, when can we expect a parody version of the 2010 hit "Like a G6" by Far East Movement as "Like a d6"?

Sam: Oh wow, that's good.

Marisha: Not to be that person, it already exists. The Library Bards did it. So, you should check it out. I mean, do a cover, Sam, I don't know.

Sam: There are more songs incoming, just so you know.

Q: For Matt; you say dunamancy can alter the reality and the fate of the person that wields it - is this an affront to the Raven Queen?

Matt: I would say, given the fact that elements of dunamancy deal with the manipulation of probability, destiny, things like that, the Raven Queen is probably not that cool with dunamancy. Just throwing that out there. One of the few things she's probably like, "Really, guys?" So yeah, I'd say you're on the right track.

Q: For Laura and Travis; do you talk to Ronin about your campaign?

Laura: So, Ronin, every Thursday night he stays with a babysitter at home, but he watches the opening of the show. Like, he loves the theme song so much. I sing it every time I change his diaper.

Travis: Same, like I know there's songs that parents sing to their kids - he's heard the damn theme song every day of his life.

Brian: But do you guys change the lyrics though, like "You shit your pants, I'm cleaning it up now", you know what I mean?

Liam: My kids bust into that song constantly. We cannot play a board game or anything. Someone goes "it's your turn" "TO ROLL" every time.

Q: For Marisha; I'm a huge fan of Jocks Machina and hopefully we'll get to see them on the channel one day - will Beau ever join Jocks Machina?

Marisha: What are the requirements, are there prerequisites for joining Jocks Machina? You're kind of the authority on this.

Travis: Guns. Abs. Likes to lift heavy things. Likes to break a sweat. Likes to whoop that ass.

Marisha: Check. Check. ...Check? Check. Hell yeah.

Q: For Matt; this is a rather involved conspiracy theory question, so excuse me - last year when the party was in Shady Creek Run at the Landlocked Lady Inn, they first arrived and there was a doorman named Champ who Keg knew. The next morning, they went down and there was a new doorman who said he'd been working for the Marduns for a few months and had bright red curly hair and vibrant green eyes and acted rather enigmatic and shady and shifty and was saying they should listen more and that he hoped that whatever they were after, they were on the right path. Later, once they recover everyone, Jester is asking the Traveler where he was, and he says he was always there. So my question is this: was that character the Traveler in disguise?

Matt: [several moments of silence]

Matt: That'd be pretty interesting, huh? That's a unique observation. I will confirm nor deny.

Q: For Matt; now that Fjord has effectively broken up with Uk'otoa, what do you think would be a more compelling storyline, or what are you most interested to see: him continue to take levels in warlock, possibly with an Archfey patron, or paladin...?

Matt: Part of what I really enjoy about this game is how the players continuously surprise me. I'm down to see what journey Travis wants to take. I'm curious to see how he takes this next path in his journey and which elements he wants to maintain, what direction he wants to go - he seems to be really finding interest in the Wildmother and talking to Caduceus about that, and that's kind of been an element of breaking that pact at the time, so I'm curious if he's going to continue down that path or see this as a blank slate to continue to grow. I'm interested to see the different decisions that Fjord takes, and Travis does through Fjord, and kind of adjust and build the narrative for that character around that. I can't say I have a specific path that I'm hoping for, because I have no idea what Travis's direct interest is, beyond just the actions he's taken in the game. Yeah, I'm just excited to see where it goes. I really love the idea of not knowing that as the Dungeon Master. As much as it's me building and world-planning, many of you out there who run games as GM know the most exciting part of the game is after all that prep, coming to the table and the players completely surprise you, and you kind of have to think on your feet and go with it. That's the best part of the game for me.

Q: For Marisha; what inspired you to play Beau a bit more shaken about her near-death than some of the other characters?

Marisha: Well, I was at 2 hit points the whole time - Liam can attest to that. So you know, I was kind of role-playing that. Shit's crazy man.

Q: For Liam; so you play your characters, both Vax and Caleb, very emotionally without any hesitation, and you're an experienced actor. What I wanted to ask was, something that people who try to emulate Critical Role don't realize that can happen when you try to put yourself into the character and get emotionally invested is character bleed. I was wondering how you deal with that, if you do at all. Like, if something really emotionally devastating happens to Vax or to Caleb, how does it affect you and how do you deal with it?

Liam: These feel like synthetic memories, so any time the superimposed fantasy friend gets killed or has to leave or whatever happens - that shit we carry around and get upset about. Every time we leave on a cliffhanger and someone's gonna die, we think about it constantly. Vax helped me sort through things, but made me more loyal and determined and willing to take chances - which in life I generally try to avoid conflict. Caleb, I still kind of drive around and think about him and still go, like "why did you do that?" He's really messed up, if I just think like, fireballs and cats like it's fun, and we can make dick jokes and it's fun. But if I really take a minute, I just go "Oh". I feel bad for him, I feel really bad for him. I have fun playing the game, and I love these guys, and I feel bad for my character.

Follow-up Q: Do you have ways that you learned to process that, like if you're at home feeling bummed about something that happened on a Thursday night, and you're like "man I need to get out of this funk"?

Liam: Yeah, I pull my head out of the game. I'll play a game with my kid, or watch a movie with my wife, or go running. Running is great. Not for your knees, but everything else. Or spend time with these guys out of the game. There's lots of ways. We're really invested in their stories, so it sort of drags along like coattails wherever we go.

Matt: To give you examples too, when he says "hanging out with friends", the group that's there, your friends that are in this game that you trust enough? You should all also support each other when those dark moments happen outside of the game. Whenever we lose a character in the game, we have like a wake. We go to an Irish pub that we go to often in Burbank, and we all get drinks and we have a wake for that character. And it's part of that process too. Even though it's imaginary, there's a part of that experience and journey that's come to an end and that deserves its respect as well, and we're all there to support the player. As a playing group, be there for your friends who may be going through that experience, because even though it is make-believe and it's a game, that is still a loss. And that's not a bad thing either. Loss is an important thing to process, because life comes with loss. Part of the wonderful experiences of role-playing games is that it allows us a safe space to explore very positive and very negative emotions in a healthy way and make us better people for it. So just be there for them, be supportive, and be the best friends and co-players you can be.

Liam: Part of the reason, I think, that we get upset when these fictional characters are killed is because we're playing this game of imagination together, and we form a chemistry together where we're like "we get to do this together, and it's always like this, and you're always funny like that, and you're always intense like this" and we really love that chemistry. Then somebody gets killed and they're gone, and that chemistry, which is something that we're like addicted to and love, that chemistry is gone. Like, when Molly was gone. Beau and Molly had this great "fuck you" "fuck you" butting heads thing - that's gone. We're actors, but anyone who plays this game extensively, you love the sort-of second life that you create for yourself and then when the character is gone, you don't have that unique mix anymore.

Q: For Laura; I really love how you play Vex and Jester, even though as two characters, they're pretty different from each other. But sometimes, you have an instance where like, your Laura shows. So I actually just wanted to ask, what was the biggest disconnect you've ever experienced between player versus character? If you've ever felt like, you as a person, as a player, would never ever make a choice in a situation versus what your character would do in that same situation.

Laura: I feel like everything my characters do, I wouldn't do in real life. Like, especially Jester. Travis and I have had these conversations: the joy of playing a character like Jester or like Grog, where you don't have to filter yourself - everybody, I assume, has these random really stupid things that pop up in your brain and you don't say them because everyone would judge you, and they're weird - and as these characters, you just embrace it, and it is so much fun. Talk about character bleed - it is an issue that I deal with now, because Jester has had that effect on me, and so I tend to say stupider things in real life now. No, but I would never deface anything in public, I would never steal anything.

Travis: You're not gonna attach any dicks on the walls.

Laura: I would not attach a dick to a wall in public. Or anywhere. I do eat a lot of donuts though, that's on me.

Q: For Matt; we've explored several places in the multiverse in your games, like the City of Brass, the Feywild, places like that - are there any places in the multiverse like the Astral Sea or somewhere that you, either as a player or as a GM, would have liked to have gone but have never had the time or resources to do?

Matt: Interesting. I do have some places that I really would like to explore, whether in this campaign or campaigns down the road. Astral Sea is interesting, it's a really weird amorphous plane, and I just love the prospect of one day throwing an Astral Dreadnought at these poor guys. He's my second to the Tarrasque. Oh they're fun, they're a good time. I've always loved Planescape. The City of Sigil would be great for obvious reasons of course. So I can be like, "no guys, this is where I learned my wrong pronunciation". But the City of Doors is awesome. Lady of Pain is a great element. Those who watched the Search for Bob oneshot, there was a Lady of Pain reference dropped in there. If you missed it, you can go back and look. Maybe there's a few doors in Sigil that lead to Exandria, who knows. Think about that for your home campaigns, huh? I want to go into some deep Abyssal planes too. We've been to the City of Dis, we've seen a little bit of the Nine Hells of Baator, though maybe not the harsher places. There's so many to explore!

Q: For Sam; Matt has said on Twitter that one of the ways you guys handle the pressures of the Kickstarter and the intense dramatic moments in the campaign is by checking in with each other and checking in on each other's mental health. I know you take on a lot of responsibilities with doing the DnDBeyond ads and the songs that you write and also your characters are often joking around with other characters and giving them a hard time so I was wondering, from your perspective, if you could give some details, without giving away anything too personal, on how to properly mentally check-in with your fellow players and just help everybody and check that everybody is doing okay.

Sam: Well, I'm learning from these guys, as we go, how best to do that. I'm weird in that, as weird as I am on-screen, I don't really talk very much when we're off-screen, or I keep my stuff to myself, more than some of these guys do. But they have, in the last few years, helped me sort of connect more with my best friends here. You know, we do check in a lot with each other, thanks to Matt and thanks to all of us. For instance, yesterday morning we all had breakfast together. It was really nice - we just talked about stuff, and it was just great to just sort of reconnect with everybody. I'm not an expert at this in any way, and in fact, on this stage, I am the least good at it, but I have endeavoured to become better at it. Opening yourself up to your friends and feeling comfortable enough to share your past or your worries for the future with your friends and not getting any judgement back is like, the greatest gift. If you have that with one person, it's amazing. If you have that with all of these people? Holy moly, it's the greatest thing in the world. I've tried to be better at sharing my stuff with them and being there for them. That's all I can do.

Q: For Marisha; in campaign one with Vox Machina, there's a lot of powerful badass lady NPCs, so if by chance, it all worked out timewise, who do you think Beau would be most likely to have a crush on?

Marisha: Kima. Yeah. Keyleth very much emulated Allura, and really looked up to her and kind of looked at her as a powerful female figurehead and took notes for leadership through her. Beau would just wanna fuck.

Q: For Liam; what do characters do in the campaign that you find funny no matter how old it gets?

Liam: Everybody throw in on this one. I'll never get over Laura waggling her eyebrow every third word in the game.

Taliesin: Slow snicker every time there's even vaguely a possibility of a dick joke.

Travis: I'd say every time there's a pain reaction out of Nott. It is hysterical to me.

Liam: I like any time, just the concept of death comes up or Molly - anywhere, in the game, out of the game - one of these people would be like, "Like you, you're dead!"

Laura: Uk'otoa.

Q: For Laura; do you think the volcano would be a good spot for Traveler on?

Laura (using Jester's voice): Okay here's the thing. Like, I totally did at first and I need to talk to him, because I think that now it's probably not, because it wasn't very expansive really, as big as I thought it would be, and there wasn't like a lot of beds, and like, no real good food. So, I don't know how many people are coming, but like, even just getting to the nearest hotel was really difficult, you know?

Matt: I love the idea that half of your sketchbook is Jester's tiny Yelp reviews of locations in Wildemount.

Q: For Laura; with all of the throwback to Vox Machina and Whitestone in the week before, how are you feeling with all of it?

Laura: I'm feeling very nostalgic.

Laura (using Vex's voice): Also, I would love for everyone to come visit.

Marisha (using Keyleth's voice): Me as well.

Laura (using Jester's voice): And also, if we did, I think we would cause a lot of problems.

Marisha: New pitch - Travelercon at Whitestone. We know the food is good, lots of lodging and room and board, no dead people in trees anymore.

Laura: All of the residuum that you could ever hope for.

Brian: And endless booze.

[Panel end]

#critical role #talks machina #long post #my hand is now broke #transcript

[upsettlspaghettl]

Empire City Con 2019

I can say with confidence that this has been the best weekend of my life. People will be so quick to say that the Steven Universe fandom is one of the most toxic fandoms out there, but in all my years of going to conventions, this has been the most welcoming and friendly by far. Now, this could be because it’s a convention based on one singular fandom, as opposed to the mishmash of fandoms that gather at other conventions, but even Bronycon was nowhere near this level of welcoming. Then again, I only got the chance to go to 2 Bronycons so I don’t know if I can say much.

The flight to North Carolina was surprisingly not that bad. I’m very prone to getting lost, but I left 4 hours in advance and I didn’t even need those 4 hours. But this was my first time ever flying somewhere completely alone.

I got the chance to meet Deedee Magno Hall, who signed my Guide to the Crystal Gems. Now it’s my goal to get all the character pages signed. But it’s got all the fusions of season 1, so chances are I won’t ever get the chance to get Sugilite’s page signed. Oh well, a fan can dream, right? Just kind of a bummer because she happens to be my favorite fusion.

She also validated my OC ship with Yellow Pearl which was super cool of her. Deedee is a really sweet person. While waiting in line to meet her I made friends with a kid, and he was fanboying like crazy. Later on we met somebody else, and we all did karaoke together. Then they got to do a group Karaoke with Deedee, which I was unfortunately too nervous to join. She said she would try do one with me but we never got the chance, but either way I’m so grateful. She’s a really kind person and I hope I can meet her again!

My part in the karaoke was still really fun though. Me and my 2 friends were having a hard time figuring out what song to do, and since the instrumentals were live, the people playing only had a limited number of songs they could play. Eventually we agreed on Stronger than you. But the instrumental team couldn’t play that one, so one of my new friends asked everybody to sing along and be inclusive. I got to to do the Peridot rap onstage too! Only me and 1 other person in the audience did that though so it was really scary and I fumbled a lot... but I’m still so happy that I got to because it was just such a good time for everybody.

There was actually a garnet cosplayer who’s act was right before ours and they were still by the karaoke lineup, so one of my friends asked them to come join us. Toward the middle of our act, this same friend spotted a Jasper in the front row, dragged them up on stage, and we had an adorable fake fight scene. I had to hop off stage right before the song ended to hug somebody in the front row who was crying. I was relieved to hear that they were tears of joy. In the end, they invited my group to sit in the front row with them.

Right, and Garnet’s act! They actually sang the original SU opening in German which was super amazing. Toward the end, there was a Pearl cosplayer in her Mr. Greg tuxedo who sang It’s Over isn’t it with Deedee, and a Yellow Pearl cosplayer who did an amazing Yellow Pearl-y take on Do it for her. So yeah the variety of acts was fantastic and the whole thing was just so feel-good all around.

At the very end of the karaoke, after everyone had gotten a chance and we were all just hanging out in the karaoke room, I was given a Spinel promo pin by a Mystery Girl. Not literally a Mystery Girl cosplayer, but somebody who I thought was just... well, somebody. They mentioned having extras from the movie screening in CA, and were handing them out to Spinel cosplayers. Of course I was hopping up and down being super thankful to an awkward degree, like I normally do.

That night, I told my roommates what happened, and they told me just who that Mystery Girl was. None other than Mackenzie Atwood, creator of the Pearl’s Secret Rap Career series. My facial recognition is terrible, so I didn’t realize at the time. I was lucky enough to run into her again the next morning during breakfast in the hotel lobby, so I got to thank her personally in the end.

Speaking of Mystery Girls, there actually was a Mystery Girl cosplayer who was especially awesome. Not even ten minutes after arriving at the convention, I see 2 Spinels who welcome me into their Spinel group. A Mystery Girl cosplayer is with them, and they hand me a pair of shoe squeakers. They look like tiny clear whoopie cushions, and Mystery Girl was handing them out to all the Spinels. I don’t know about everybody else, but mine drew a lot of attention from other con-goers because I was super happy and energetic at this con so I ran everywhere I went. People were always laughing and it made me so happy that I was able to make people smile. I’ll definitely be using them again in my future Spinel cosplays.

One of the people I shared a hotel room with was a Spinel cosplayer on the first day, and they were carrying an amazing Spinel plushie that I remember seeing a photo of on Deviantart, and later showed up for sale on Etsy. It was super expensive and I remember wanting it, but I couldn’t be jealous because I know I was super lucky to even see the thing in real life!

On the second day, I met a sweet little girl who seemed to think I was the real Spinel. She drew me a picture of Baby Spinel, and I gave her my drawing of Baby Spinel which I’d made earlier that day in the quiet room. Later on, one of the convention organizers was holding a game session, and this kid crushed me in a round of Gem Gem Clod... which is Duck Duck Goose, but better. Note to self: playing games that involve running when wearing pink high heeled boots probably isn’t gonna go well!

After some games, we made some meep morps. Somebody started a trend of drawing Lion on the little canvases we were given, but my Lion wasn’t coming out quite right, so after I finished drawing his head I just. put it on one single leg. You’ve heard of Leg Pearl, now get ready for Leg Lion. I was super happy about that too because I made everybody laugh.

Once we ran out of canvases, the organizer offered to take polaroids of some of us, so now me and this adorable little kid had matching photos, which we put in tiny pink frames and put a Spinel gem on each.

oh also! the game organizer had a tattoo on their leg of a bunch of anime characters, mainly the cute “squad mascot” archetype. There was Hawk, Happy, a few other characters, and Keroro! I totally freaked out over Keroro because it’s a relatively obscure series, and it was the first show that really got me into anime! I’ve always loved things like Pokemon and Naruto, but Keroro Gunso was my gateway to the anime community as a whole.

At around noon, I spent a little more time in the room where the games were held, which had some board games of its own, books, and art supplies and overall functioned as just a room to hang out in. There I met a Pink Diamond cosplayer in a pink schoolgirl uniform and an Uravity hat (really cute outfit!), and a goth Spinel cosplayer. The Pink Diamond cosplayer was a great artist and drew a really cute magical girl Steven. These 2 people also taught me what a vsco girl was when they were joking about the fact that Pink Diamond would totally be one. I was super confused but it was really funny after they explained it.

There was a cosplay fashion show much later in the day and I made friends with a Ruby and Sapphire while sitting in line. They were a couple irl and went on stage together and they were adorable! They were also both Hazbin Hotel and Harry Potter fans, so we had a lot to talk about. We kept talking while we waited in line for the Sadie Killer and the Suspects concert too, and a few other people joined us. I’d only just met these people but I really felt surrounded by friends.

Earlier in the day, while I was waiting in line to meet Kinetic Cosplay, I ran into an amazing Sour Cream and Buck Dewey. I got their photo, only to later see them on stage as a part of the real life Sadie Killer and the Suspects. Jenny Pizza was also on stage, but I didn’t see her before that.

While the convention was great, something also happened that scared the hell out of me. At NYCC just last month, I bought some very tiny stickers, one of which was Froppy from BHNA. When I got home and unpacked, it was gone. I thought maybe it fell into the fabric of my backpack, and if it did, there was really no way to retrieve it unless it decided to fall out again. However at the convention... I was at the registration table, decorating my con badge. I pick up my phone, and suddenly the Froppy sticker falls out of nowhere. It looked like it came from the phone, but I can’t imagine where it would have fit and gotten stuck. It kinda just fell out of the void. Either way I’m glad to have it back.

Lets see... I also got some pictures of the real life Mr. Universe van... and later on I ran into the owner of the van in full Mr. Universe gear.

The Garnet cosplayer was Cotton Candy garnet on the second day and I still can’t get over how sweet and nice they were.

There were some family cosplays. On the first day I saw a Yellowtail carrying a baby doll dressed as Onion, and then on the second day the same person was with a Vidalia cosplayer, and an actual child dressed as Onion.

There were also a pair of parents dressed as Connie’s mom and dad, and their kid dressed as Connie.

On the first day there was a Mr. Smiley which was super cool and unexpected, and then on the second day they were Bismuth. There were actually 3 Bismuths in total at the con which was surprising because that wig looks super difficult to make. Anyone who can pull that off is amazing!

The last day only went on until about noon, but my flight didn’t leave until the next day. I didn’t book my hotel room for that night because I wanted extra time in case I got lost on the way to the airport. Turned out there were free shuttles. I ended up in the same shuttle as that Pink Diamond cosplayer and her dad, and she showed me this adorable RPG game app called Wholesome Cats. We took some snapchats together and now I know what I’d look like as a boy...

Since there was a shuttle to the airport, that meant I was super early for my flight. Super early as in, almost 12 hours early. After going through security, I was planning to just sleep at the gate, but my gate number wasn’t on the screen. So I asked an airport employee, and he told me that I wasn’t even supposed to be let through security until the next day, which was when my gate number was supposed to show up... whoops. It wasn’t so bad though, either way I’d just be hanging out at the airport for the night. I decided not to sleep though, just in case. It felt weird late at night, when the airport was more or less completely empty. It was so nice and quiet, and the Starbucks was still open so I had a super yummy dinner of pumpkin bread and cheese danishes.

I think that’s about it? If you wanna see pictures, I’ll be posting them all to a public album on Gnomie Leviton on Facebook, and I’ll also select a special few to post on QueenGnomie on Instagram.

If you add me on FB please tell me your url! I only add people who I've talked to before.

In conclusion!

This was by far my favorite convention I’ve ever been to, because you could literally just go up to someone, start talking, and you’d immediately have an awesome new friend. I’ve never been to a con before where every single person was so approachable. It really felt like everybody there was one big family. I already have a potential roommate for next year, so I really hope to get back on my feet soon so I can go!

#i dont wanna play anymore (MUN POSTS) #long post #hazbin hotel tw #harry potter tw #bhna tw

[inkofamethyst]

September 25, 2021

I miss Data.  I like (finally) having the Starfleet banner on my wall, but I miss the content.  I miss the adventures.

I like the feeling of Historybounding.  I like how I look in historybounding outfits.  I like how my waist looks, I like my figure, my silhouette.  I like having a skirt fall over my legs.  I like having pockets that can fit a loaf of bread (only a slight exaggeration).  What I don’t like is how uncomfortable it feels to historybound among my peers.

I decided to suck it up today because it was Saturday and campus would be far less populated and I took my black flannel “circle” (it’s like a couple of degrees off on the seams due to some mishaps in the cutting process) skirt out for a test run along with the square neck black dress (that’s given me nothing but problems since I bought it) as a top over a new “bra system” of sorts.  I woke up early today (after going to bed early last night!!) and in the cool but sunny morning I played my uke outside for half an hour in my little outfit.  If anyone asked, I would claim that I’d missed Dress Like A Hobbit Day and wanted to get in on the fun a few days late (no one asked, as I had anticipated, but I was ready nonetheless).  I felt cute and feminine and hardly anyone walked by.

I also got some work done at the library for a few hours.  Walking there and back was an experience.  I just felt out of place, even though every time I looked in a window or something at my reflection, or even at my shadow, with my skirt swishing back and forth, I liked what I saw a lot.  I wonder if other historybounders and vintage enthusiasts go through this weird limbo period.

Update 1: Made dinner (chicken nuggets and dumplings) which took a ridiculously long time and I always get self-conscious with the amount of time it takes me to cook but also I only cook a few days a week so it ain’t all that bad and my roommate B said she liked my outfit and I gave her my lil goth hobbit excuse lol.

Update 2: Ate dinner (chicken nuggets and dumplings) which was honestly a really satisfying experience considering the fact that this was my first attempt with this recipe that I cut down from six servings to two and I’m not gonna lie,,, my skirt is starting toward the more uncomfortable side round the waist.  It was already a pretty close-fitting garment (no belt needed), and now I’m developing a food baby because 50% of that meal was big bread balls of flour and uhhhh I’m feelin it all right.  So like, while I can wear skirts that sit tight on the stomach and look really good in them... is it worth it?  Well, for one thing, having the padstitched canvas interlining thing is really giving structure to the whole nipped-in waist look.

Yeah... one of these days I wanna work on one of those tie-based eighteenth century skirts/petticoats.

Today I’m thankful that I have a journal into which I can pour 80% of my nonsense so only 20% reaches my friends.  I just have so many thoughts!  All the time!!  And who wants to sit through that?  (Apparently the answer is Future!Nina, that narcissist.)

Alright, I’ve got two hours left to be productive (or not) before I head back to bed hopefully for another early rising day tomorrow.  Last week, my sleep schedule was atrocious and had to be supplemented by naps which I hated but absolutely needed.  I’m on the road to fixing it though!!

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 54

So, I hadn't really spoken to Ava in some time at this point. I feel like we saw her time and time again in vehicles. We were now going to school in the same town after all, albeit, in very different environments. I certainly heard the stories about her – in a year's time since she'd left Kendrick, she had become very well known. How promiscuous she was, or that she had cheated on people, stolen from people, or how she had done more drugs and alcohol than most of the other people. She seemed to have her hands in a lot of cookie jars. Ava had dated Teal's boyfriend for a time, Lee – until he had left her for someone else. Lee had been into this band, HIM, which was a band that Sarah was really into. I could never quite get into HIM. I didn't like the sound of their instruments. I felt their albums were overproduced, and their lyrics were more about dark romantic images but had no meaning.

Ava ended up getting tickets to see HIM in Seattle that late fall however, and she hadn't seen Sarah or I for awhile, so she invited the both of us to go with her to Seattle. I had never been to Seattle before. There was always a part of me that resented Ava for what she had done. I felt like, in stepping between Zack and I, she had changed the course of my life. It was more than just the friendship betrayal thing. I really woke up everyday going over it and over it in my mind, even though it was going on two years since Zack had been in my life. They say time heals all wounds, but of course many of us know that to be silly. Time distorts feelings and memories. But certain things just don't disappear like that. I would say at this point, Zack was like this secret teddy bear I would pull out whenever I felt like the world was out to get me, either physically, or metaphorically.

Also, the feelings I had had for Zack had changed me in other ways that had nothing to do with Zack or myself anymore. I am not saying that my love for him was one of a kind. I realize there is only so much that is possible for me to describe with my writing capabilities, and it's been nearly fifteen years since those junior high days, so things are blurry to me now. But what I had felt had been so real that I had – and still have this ability to emotionally transcend all the meaninglessness of my life. The feelings come and go, but they laid the tracks down for my depth of feeling and imagination. For this reason, Zack became a symbol to me, of enlightenment. This is what he was to me, and how I viewed him, long after the fact. If Zack thought of me often during these times, I cannot say – but I am sure it was not like I thought of him. And when I had to see Ava's wild happy manic face, I felt this cold resentment. She had Jolened me. She had stepped on something beautiful because she had felt like it at the moment. She had changed me, and in some metaphorical way, I felt like she had clipped my wings, so now I was forced to struggle on the ground to build the stairs to reach the places in life that I had once had wings to fly to. For Ava, there would always be another person to go to after this one. She was much more of a survivor than I was. But things still hurt me.

All the same, Ava was fun as hell, I have never met a more fun person. And Seattle was Seattle. And I more or less liked HIM at the time, even though it wasn't truly my thing, so I went along. It was over the course of a weekend. Ava's father drove us. I was mystified and perplexed how Ava treated her dad. She would yell at him because of his driving. She would tell him to pass people, scream at him to speed up. Chastise him for not making the right lane. It was awful, and unnecessary. She didn't appreciate the trip at all. I could never even imagine doing that with a straight face, let alone to my own father, who would have shouted so loud that a black hole would have formed (I'm no scientist – seems legit), and I would have been sucked in for all eternity. The Washington desert is actually quite large. When people think of Washington, they think of the evergreens, basically the areas by the Coast and Mount Rainier and the Cascades. They don't realize that 75% of it is just dry evil desert. Each time I cross the Washington deadlands, I always wish that I could stop and take pictures of all the small towns, the dilapidated buildings that I find beautiful, with the bleak clouds in the backdrop.

When we finally got towards Seattle, I could barely believe my eyes. I had seen Portland, and I thought it had looked industrial and enormous. Seattle looked like the future. I was shocked at all the enormous signs, the angular sky scrapers. It looked like (and is) a very corporate city. It seemed almost like another planet to me, I was so used to small town life. When we went through the tunnels upon entering I was almost afraid and thrilled, seeing the way the darkness took over everything and there was nothing but the cars in front of you, all seeming to speed at 100 miles an hour, with the orange glow from the lights on the side of the tunnel. I was really that taken aback. It was hard for me to believe this place was real somehow. I knew that cities were big, but I didn't anticipate the atmosphere, or the feeling of hundreds of thousands of living beings competing and all with separate lives and ideas. This might sound crazy, but when I am in places where there are a lot of people, I feel really can sense all those people. It's not like I can hear thoughts. It's much more subtle than that. I get the strong vibes about it.

We were supposed to get the the show as soon as possible, but Ava was hungry and mad, so we stopped at a local Ihop. My father hadn't given me any money for the trip – he was/is very much a cheap toe in this regard, so I watched Ava wolf down ten pancakes. I was happy though, just staring out the window at the big city. It was raining of course. I remember leaving and we drove on city streets that were steep. The rain and the lighting and all the people almost reminded me a little bit like Bladerunner. When we finally got there, I had to wait in line. My ticket was in will call, and my line ended up being much shorter than theirs, so I stood alone and eventually got a better place than them. I was dressed grungy in a low key sort of way, and I felt a bit peculiar, because many of the people around me, real fans of HIM and melodic goth music in general, were dressed in black lace Victorian outfits that must have cost a fortune. White skinned lads with monocles and top hats escorted ladies in corsets and large framed dresses. HIM attracts a very similar crowd of people, and seems to lyrically loosely be based on the same people who admire and adore The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. I could not help but to notice just how lovely city people were. Small town people, though I don't actually see ugly in the same light as others do, are a lot more molish. I don't know what the secret of city people are keeping from middle America, but I want to find out. Other than the homeless people, people are better dressed, their skin looks nicer, they seem trimmer and more ready for the world. Of course, it's probably because I am walking down areas where people who have money shop. And money buys health – to a certain degree.

I was stopped, and a very giant lady – not fat, but giant, felt me up and down in a very serious way to ascertain that I was not carrying a weapon into the venue, she was slightly rude and pushy with me in the way that city people are when they don't have time for you. Of course, I just stood in the front area of the concert, trying and wishing I could get in the very front, and then eventually squeezing in to a place I wanted. Then I stood for another ten years, as you do during the beginnings of concerts, till your legs are just about to fall off – until the first roady comes in and gives you false hope that the band is going to start. Eventually, the first band came out, a band called Finch. Though I will never really say I dislike any genre, since certain bands give their genre a good name and some bad, I won't say that I dislike metal, screamo, nu metal, or post grunge, exactly, but this music never really appealed to me. From what I remember, Finch was kind of a screamo metal band that fit loosely in that category. It was kind of painful.

Then, eventually HIM came out. Sarah and Ava both had enormous crushes on Ville Vallo, the singer. He is a very unique and strong faced man. I will say that. He is lovely, in a very feminine vampirish way. He was definitely not my kind of lad however – like he was theirs. The show was pretty decent overall. I liked it more than I thought I would. One thing I will say – not that it matters since most people don't know who HIM is anymore – they were more of an early 2000's deal, is that they sound a million times better live. Ville actually sounds a lot more like Billy Idol than he does on album. He had a great scream, a scream that was never once captured on any of HIM's albums – which is pretty disappointing as history will never know the truth.

And since seeing CKY and meeting Chad I. Ginsberg, I had decided that in concerts, when you want someone to notice you – or even if you want someone to notice you in real life (though they might find you a bit odd), you stare at their eyes intently, and you try to dig through their brain. I didn't want to bother with Ville, but I tried it with his guitarist, who had famously taken some kind of shyness stoic oath to never look at his fans when he played. And he did seem to just look down almost the entire time. But I had one goal in mind, and I set to it. Eventually, after five songs in, he looked at me and he smiled. I was very satisfied. In a way, I felt like my ability to make the guitarist – I think his name was Lindy look at me, it kind of made me feel like I was still unique and special, even in a big city, and if I angled my goals properly, I could bypass just about anyone to get what I wanted. I could also mentally manipulate people without having to say anything. When you are not good with speaking – as I for the most part am not – being able to have an effect simply by giving the right facial expressions or wielding a commanding presence is very helpful in compensating for that.

I was saddened to leave Seattle. All my life, Seattle had been there, and I hadn't known it. I had walked back and forth in the small little town of Kendrick my whole life. I had learned to be deeply satisfied with rocks I found at the creek, fifty cent ice cream cones at the small supermarket, the howling of coyotes at night, the smell of nails in the local hardware store. And that had been all there was. I found people who seemed to elevate my life in some way or another, just in my small town. I could only imagine the possible friendships and people that I was meant to meet in a place like Seattle. I was missing out on life. It ached deeply.

Thanksgiving came along once again. My father decided to skip Thanksgiving. Mostly, Maria's family was living with us at that point and he didn't have the money or the wish to spend time with Maria or her kids. She took care of the house by this time and he would come home and go straight to his cold room upstairs. The television was always on cartoons – usually Barbie movies for Chantelle. The house was warm and peopled. To me, it was better than it had been. I think it was doing my father a favor too, but he was getting frustrated with Maria being there. Mostly, he wanted to buy more speakers. He had already spent several thousand on speakers and amps and foot pedals and such, and he wanted more. And Maria's son Ian was the kind of kid who would have ruined his speakers, and there was also not enough room for the speakers and amps he wanted so long as they were there. But he couldn't complain. I was in school till 6:00pm and couldn't be home to make dinner or anything like that.

My mother also skipped Thanksgiving, though we ended up getting invited to a late one later on by Danny's rich parents of Italian heritage. It was a last second thing. My mother felt anxious and outclassed. She was very worried that she wasn't good enough for Danny, and she demanded that we all dress up for the invited occasion. All I had was flannels, t-shirts and jeans. But she somehow found a black velvet baby doll dress for me to wear, and that was the first time I ever wore a dress since I had been ten or eleven years old, and only then for a band field trip at the time.

Before then though, I had been under the assumption that I wasn't going to get a Thanksgiving at all. Mike and Jenni heard about that, and Mike's eyes teared up a little bit. I tried to explain that it really wasn't too big of a deal, but he seemed to feel that it was heartbreaking and cold. Mike and Jenni always had their own Thanksgiving for the students. And in most ways, that is the official Thanksgiving I had that year, since Danny's parents were kind of judgy and strange and it had been an awkward dinner to say the least. I remember Mike and Jenni really went out of their way. We had all the good Thanksgiving foods, and there was as much of it as we wanted. They even had three different kinds of pies. I think at that moment, Mike and Jenni were at the peak of my liking for the two of them. They just really seemed to care if I had a good Thanksgiving. I tried to take that care, and spread it over my entire childhood. I tried to imagine that someone above me had cared at every junction in which someone had not cared, and for a time, I really believed they did care about me quite a bit.

Math was the one subject that wasn't taught well. The school had limitations in this area. The teacher was a young shy woman named Julie. She was very nervous and didn't seem confident in her ability to explain mathematics. I could tell she was a very practical and serious person. I've noticed those who get degrees in mathematics come in all shapes and sizes, but they all seem linked by this particular outlook on life – mathematical. She had just gotten her degree – and this was her first job teaching. There wasn't room for her to teach us altogether in one classroom, since the building only had two classrooms and one computer lab, so we were forced to watch a video in the computer lab with a sterile man explaining math problems to us. The video's sometimes didn't even work, so in that case, you were lead to a test, where they would give you multiple choice answers to pick from. Remember, I had only a passable understanding of ½ of a year's worth of algebra I. This was geometry, and I wasn't really ready for it. However, it was the only math class that was available and I needed math credits, so I was put in this class anyway. Julie tried to help all these students, but every single one of us was lost so she was over her head bouncing around trying to explain to us individually how to do the questions. She had a tendency to start doing the problem you were having troubles with, without explaining why she had chosen each step.

I sort of challenged her in a way that I didn't need to. It was probably immature. I just felt lost in the class, and got sort of nihilistic about the meaning of why I was doing multiple choice on complex math equations. I was passing, given that I had a way of staring at the problem long enough to where one just seemed more right than the rest, and generally it was. But I didn't know why, so it seemed pointless to even try in the math class, and I think Julie understood why I might feel that way, and yet she had no remedy for this mathematical crisis since the job was nearly impossible as it was – and she was shy and nervous and it put her on edge. I often would spend time on MS paint rather than do my math, and eventually she raised her voice at me. Looking back, I was making it difficult for people to teach me. I wasn't able to put myself in other people's shoes like I am now. She was actually trying to do something that was impossible. I could have at least complied to the best of my ability – but oh, the folly of youth. We are all masters of hindsight.

Mike began reading a book to us for literature class. I felt this was a strange move on his part – since it seemed to me that reading aloud was only ever done when teachers lazily wanted to give off the impression of making their students be 'involved' with each other's learning, by forcing them to all take turns with reading, which gives a very inconsistent and nerve racking experience for me. The book Mike chose to read us was called A Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley and I had never heard of it. Honestly, though I had been an adamant reader when I had been younger – mainly fantasy and soft science fiction books for young readers, I had given up on reading the moment I met Zack, and it had never occurred to me after that to pick up a book very often unless it pertained to a musician I liked. Mike read it very passionately, and it was offputting at first, but after awhile, very enjoyable. I won't explain the details of the book – else I spoil it for people, but I have always felt that, with having had the privilege of having the novel read aloud and explained to me by someone quite passionate and qualified to do so – I have a much fuller grasp of what the novel was about than many people do – not that we are talking about something profoundly difficult, but it has challenged a lot of people. I've met people who read it and didn't really understand the ideas that were at play.

What I took from the novel, and what the novel captures has less to do with a dysutopia we should all be afraid of happening in our imminent futures. Basically, it was a novel that explores consumerism and technology in society, the incompatibility between comforting bliss and truth, alienation from the society you grew up in and the meaning of love and sexuality – or meaninglessness of that. These are ideas I still explore today. This novel really changed the way I thought about things. These were ideas that, as a dumb 7th grade girl pining for Kyle Blegen's attention, I dealt with. Ideas of this nature had always been a part of my life in some form or another, and I believe that these subjects are ones that come up in unspoken forms everyday in people's lives. I just didn't know how to name them and I had believed that I was the only one who noticed them – which might have been partially why I was taken in by the conspiracy theory stuff that Zack introduced me to. Feeling frustrated and alienated by the town I grew up in, being rejected, wanting love to be incredibly deep, but being confused by how sex was more of a product that you sold to people – men in particular, watching the world change around me, looking at the adult world that was quickly coming up on me and being sickened by the emptiness of it, the monotonous emptiness of my parent's lives and their overworked, overstressed systematic suppression of frustration vented at me for being born, and doing everything in my power to pull Sarah down in my own unhappiness, seeing her ability to get by in life that I lacked as a symptom of being 'one of them' -  I really felt very trapped and alone.

But apparently, as I was soon to learn, I was not alone. In fact, I was never alone at all. I had not been able to articulate my thoughts – never heard anyone talk about these ideas and in a way I had never felt that they could be talked about – aside from maybe touched upon in song format – which I attributed to a sort of magic rather than the construction of logical thought, and so I had turned to feelings instead and rejected logic as some kind of enemy to art. When in all reality, the two were not exclusive, and there has literally been people in any given society for as long as human beings have been around. And there were writers, and great thinkers of every capacity that struggled just like me. It was what it meant to be human. And even the most famous supermodel in Hollywood probably wonders and struggles with these manifestations. It was humbling to me. It meant that I no longer had to put myself on a pedestal in order to feel like I had any sense of control or feel validated in my own confusion.

We ended up writing a very difficult essay for the book after it was finished, and it took me about three weeks of writing, but I got a B+ on it – and I felt like even though this might not be much for many of the students in public schools – none of their essays were this hard. This form of learning was actually causing me to rapidly catch up and even in some ways surpass the students of the main schools. It was painful. I remember this was when I started drinking energy drinks – I would drink them and write on the buzz. Mike was very impressed by my rapid improvement. He also noticed that due to the way my eyes shifted on the paper book (we all had copies of A Brave New World to read along to as he read), that I was gifted with being an equally auditory learner as I was a visual. Very few students were as centered in that category. And of course, this was happy news for me, as I felt unique and special on account of it.

I think that having reached this point in school where I was, even though I hadn't been there that long – I was now beginning to see myself as being academically gifted – not that I felt like I was a genius or anything, but some kind of pathway had been forged in my mind.  I was at the top of my class. And now I was able to demonstrate a point with proof – I was not the dummy everyone thought I was. I had connected the left side of my brain with the right side and even though I had not learned a lot, I now saw the world of ideas and books as being equally real to the feelings I had, and the exterior reality around me. I knew how to swim through it and come out on top. I could visualize it. But this bothered me. I guess it bothered me because the only further thing a person could do with their academic capacity other than learning for fun – was to go to college. I felt like I had somehow been tricked by my teachers into seeing myself actually going to college and getting a degree. A part of me must have thought at the time that having a degree meant something was wrong with you. That you had sacrificed your anger and your youth to 'the man'. I felt like if I even considered college, then I was essentially giving up the life I wanted – being in a band, writing music, playing with Sarah – being cool and living in some kind of heightened form of reality I now know isn't real – or at the very least, is fleeting just like so many other things.

During second semester, Sarah and I didn't go to the middle class. It was a speech class. Mike was oddly cold about my stage fright. He didn't really want to talk about it with me, or at least that is how I remember it. He wasn't going to give me baby steps into it, and when I had to stand up to read something I had written, I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out. It was too much for me. My ego was too problematic. And for some reason – I think it was because I had done okay in speech class in Kendrick's high school, I didn't need speech credits per say.  I still could have used those credits towards other subjects (for some reason they let the school do that), but I wasn't about to suffer like that on account of a speech class. So Sarah and I skipped. Since lunch was one hour, and classes went at about two hours, this gave Sarah and I three hours in the middle of the day to do whatever we wanted. It was winter now, and mind you – we were both very broke. So we would often cross the street over to this gas station jointed with an A&W and we would scrounge up the money to buy watered down coffee to draw and talk. The coffees were a dollar a piece and weren't so bad if you took total and full advantage of the mini creamers and sugar packet section. It was starting to snow in Moscow. It gets mighty cold in that college town in the middle of one hundred miles of farmland surrounding. It was oddly comforting to stay indoors, sitting at our appointed table to draw and talk as we looked across the street at the school, and at the snow and rain and cars. Everything felt so impending and real somehow.

I started talking to Sarah very seriously about what we should do next. Because I could only see staying the course of school to be counter intuitive to everything we stood for. I was beginning to get nervous about just how much I loved going to school. It didn't seem right somehow. It wasn't the cool life I had invisioned. It didn't seem very punk to stay in class and get an education. Furthermore, I was so behind on credits, I would have been in my twenties in order to pass – and that would be if I passed every single class. I was grateful at having learned so much, and wasn't about to rebel for the sake of it anymore. In fact, I was quite embarrassed for my first days in class of announcing stuff about The New World Order and the Freemasons and not knowing what I was saying or making any sense at all. I actually cared about what Mike thought of me. I actually cared about the truth now, and everything that came with that. But it didn't make sense for us to stay only to not graduate anyway. Sarah agreed with me, or at least seemed to. We agreed we would stay the rest of the year, and then we would get jobs, and start getting the equipment we needed and start practicing everyday like our lives depended upon it.

So, probably in an attempt to get a reaction from Mike, I started intentionally talking to Sarah about it in front of Mike one morning as he was getting his lessons in order for class that day. He was disappointed to hear about it. I could tell he didn't want to outright dismiss my dreams of angsty youthful instant success. But he wanted to do everything in his power to stop it from happening. To Mike, a college education was everything. Subtly, I think Mike looked down at people without degrees – which probably wasn't right, though I can see where he was coming from. I think he felt his goal in life was to get people with problems and in hopeless and lower class economic status to go to college and maybe to fight back against oppression and war. Mike was very much an idealist, and his realism was more of a defense mechanism against not getting his hopes too high. I don't remember the arguments I made exactly. I wasn't rude exactly, but I wasn't exactly diplomatic about it either. Mike ended up telling Jenni, who also talked to us. I can imagine it now, the conversation they had about Sarah and I in their ride home from work together. Mike and Jenni always felt that Sarah and I weren't good for one another. Maybe in some odd way they had a point – especially back then, but on that note I still have to say fuck them on that one ( a friendly fuck you, not an aggressive one). Not that they were ever mean about it. But they said and did some things that gave me a strong indication of what they thought on that note. Our dynamics were probably very unhealthy. Jenni didn't trust Sarah. She was friendly towards Sarah, she liked Sarah. But she thought that there was something about the dynamics of the situation that Sarah was feeding off of. And maybe my emotional issues were more understandable given I had a - I won't say abusive per say, because there was good in the bad, but a traumatic life thus far and might have been struggling against life more than Sarah was. Sarah was avoiding any sense of anger or responsibility and almost felt more important if people were mad at her – though it also stressed her out and made her feel horrible about herself. She just liked living in her room and daydreaming – though I think it is unfair to say that Sarah's problems didn't matter or exist. She had every reason to respond to her life the way she did as well.

Honestly, I wish I could have seen what they were seeing at the time, but being that I was the subject of study, I couldn't exactly ever know for certain. It would have been interesting. And I think Mike felt that I was more at fault than Sarah. One thing is for certain, Sarah and I had somehow developed a very unhealthy and codependent friendship, when I felt low about myself, suddenly the whole world became black and white and I felt betrayed and angry at Sarah, and then the next day I felt like our friendship was some kind of blessing and I felt very happy to be her friend and could not imagine what had caused me to be angry. And then I would go the other way. I was living in a split reality. I could not figure out why. My perceptions seemed amazingly clear and what I had to say made sense the same as when I was upset as when I was not. But I was getting crazier and crazier mad. We would come home, and Sarah and I would both be sobbing until we were too tired to think, and though we were both responsible for this madness, I was probably more at fault than she was. I had desperate insecurities and needs. Sarah had those too, but she didn't seem to know or want to do anything about it. So I was the one that acted out – probably due to childhood stuff that made me who I am.

After Jenni and Mike could not convince Sarah and I to stay in school, after getting called to the office to talk about it, I pretty much told them both it was a done deal. I asked Jenni not to tell our parents. I didn't really want to cause problems at home with my father or Sarah's mom just yet. We didn't want to be afraid to go home because of it. And it wasn't fair or wise to say anything to Sarah's mom or my father until we had a more realistic plan. Jenni agreed that she wouldn't call our parents on it, but come that weekend, Jenni had called Sarah's mom and raised her concerns. She didn't call my dad. Carol was not happy with Sarah. There was a chewing out of sorts. And I think this must have triggered me to feel betrayed completely. It reminded me of when the school had called my father, or when the teachers almost expected and wanted me to go to school with a black eye. I had gotten to the point where I felt safe with Mike and Jenni and now it was completely ruined and I could no longer trust them. I felt stupid for having ever trusted them to keep our secret. I was in a way – annoyed that they called Sarah's mom and not my father as well. Sarah and I talked about it as we drove to Moscow, and I was still heated up about it when I got into class. At some point in my conversation with Sarah, I called Jenni a liar. Mike overheard me talking, and he stepped in really pissed off about it. He told me not to call his wife a liar. He was actually angry. He wasn't about to lose his mind or anything, but I think it gave him the shakes. He really seemed to feel I was attacking Jenni on very personal ground. I don't think I said much about it because Mike's immediate reaction was offputting and intimidating, but I tried to point out that she had lied and it had messed with our lives outside of school (though it really hadn't messed things up for me actually – I was exaggerating because I was actually offended by the principle of the matter more than anything).

I think after this, Mike didn't like me. It was really quite that simple, and even though I held up my head as much as I could on it, it really hurt my feelings. In his mind, I had spit on the flower of a soul that was his beautiful wife, and with all the other awkward inconsistencies in my personality, the flawed need I had to argue, and just my overall everyday state of mind, he had had enough of me. He tried not to show it, but he seemed irritated by me in subtle ways. I suppose I don't blame him. I couldn't stand me either. He attempted to talk to me fairly even with the animosity, and some days were better than others, and we still engaged in conversation from time to time. But on a personal note, he didn't like me talking about friendly none school topics with him anymore – he would find subtle ways to snub me in that way. It felt like a wall was up against me. I didn't feel betrayed, I felt exiled. I became a little nervous about asking for help – as I have a famous issue for avoiding asking for help when I need it anyway and the slight bit of aggression towards me will certainly cause me to take a million steps back. The only time I felt safe to do so was when I was so deeply into my studies that I couldn't care about who I was or Mike was – all that mattered was reaching a core message with what I was trying to express. I would get zoned and ask for help on something without caring during those times - so I still was asking for help, but it still was never easy. And I am not going to lie, thinking about that cold reaction of someone I had grown to trust suddenly becoming a wall still hurts a little bit. I guess it must have hurt his feelings. Being a teacher the way Mike was could not have been easy. I suppose I must have been impossible.

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Beautiful Gothic Jewellery By Wonderland MC | Avelina De Moray

What’s up each person welcome back to my channel! I am Avelina De Moray, & thank you for joining me! If you have not already guessed from brand new thumbmail, the video I will be doing for you today is a little bit haul on a jewellery corporation referred to as Wonderland MC. Now if you are part of the goth subculture or the alternative scene you have quite often seen these things floating around on facebook or Instagram the lovely lady that runs the manufacturer is on fireplace with collaborations!! Actually every influencer that i will think of has finished some variety of collabing image shoot for them including the butcher toddlers Black Friday and now me so simply to speak I’ve taken some relatively pleasant pics of the objects that she sent me and that i want to show you them at present so let’s get into it obviously the first one is the person who i’m carrying it’s like blingy but a little bit little bit of cruelty whilst whilst you can’t make a decision if you want to be a enormous Princess Pea which could aside be there so confidently this is focusing but it surely’s obtained a lovely silver pentagram and that is all crystal it is received some little droplets right here it is just normally beautiful it’s particularly busy so make certain when you are carrying it you pair it with whatever that’s rather simple thus why I chose an item that has a simple neckline and is of an exceptional material that is just a stunning pink velvet i tried to put on this a few times with objects that had prints on it and it simply it was too much it used to be too busy k the next item that form of fits this are these one for jewelry and i’ll get a detailed-up shot of them because on the front of them is a bit dangerous now if you’re no longer into carrying heavy rings these are for you I do get sensitive earlobes i’ll put them in for a image shoot however they’re certainly now not ones that I might put on all day simply as a result of the burden of them I seem to have very sensitive ears are you able to see the little bat my hair in the best way your pentagram with just a little baton it is just beautiful k the opposite objects i will film some footage of me carrying them however i’m simply going to exhibit you them maintain speaking about them and i’ll put up the pictures so you’ll find what they appear like these are cute as soon as I noticed them i’m like yeah this is for me so we now have obtained silver spikes inverted crosses and chunk me on it it is a wee little combo of all matters that i like now these are a lot lighter I could put on these all day daily look at that I’ve done it again it can be nonetheless acquired the clear plastic safety on the back I continually try this do you don’t forget when I bought those pentagram rings and i will them for like a good year and what is the announcing Oh bubbly after which anyone messaged me and mentioned for those who like spikes and vampires these rings okay yep now when I used to be us to head to the internet site and choose a number of objects I think i hope i am now not making this up that she was once transitioning right into a bilingual website so do you might have some memories of finding it a bit hard to navigate just in view that that it used to be in one more language but having said that I was once just watching on the pics I knew what I liked and all of it worked out first-rate when the 9mc actually have a substantial style of genres that they cater to she’s acquired some objects which are really darkish and a Colt II and then she goes more ethereal and delusion base and she or he’s a go-to steampunk part so I chose items that surely I appreciated but it surely’s totally valued at going to our websites and checking out the subcategories given that there may be simply so many and you’re sure to seek out something that you simply like so this subsequent one is a lovely necklace and i like the jewel on the front there it can be probably the most stunning blue color light blue colour and i like this since it molds to your body so it can be all sort of separate portions so while you put it on it sits particularly comfortable and i wish to put on this one as a excessive choker as i’m going to show you however the necklace is particularly long so you might put on it down cut back that’s how you need to wear it the following one I chose because of its simplicity is that this one here i am now not certain if she names her pieces for the reason that she with no trouble has so many I assume it might be hard to come up with names for all of them however i will to find the links if they’re still to be had to the ones that I chosen in case you wish to have to grab your self one of those and it is received this lovely little pointed die Monty stubby thing sort of like an arrow I just appreciated it it sits particularly good if i can show you i’ll exhibit put the pictures up nevertheless it just caught my eye it was once very specific to a number of the other stuff that she has on there and i will distantly each day once I was in Hollywood just lately now this next item i will exhibit you is not going to make any feel except I put it on but I saw it on anybody else and i’m like you realize what i’m now not a girl this is variety of Goldy bronze i’m no longer a Goldy bronze character however i will make an exception for this and that i did say that the lovely ona that I used to be going to put on this within the video clip that my band will movie for our duvet of this corrosion i’m still gonna try this it can be just taking POI oh yeah that’s fairly excellent and she despatched me the matching earrings as well so these are the same because the rings that i’m wearing they simply would not have the back on them in order that matches quite well i will show you some pictures of how that looks it is relatively interesting and which you could put the straps different approaches to sort of create your own seem however a bit of bit of warning once more this is relatively busy so simply wear it below some thing undeniable and easy so you aren’t getting too busy now leaving the exceptional for final this is by means of a ways my favourite piece he is kind of obtained a gypsy golf vibe to it it is so sparkly there is simply a lot detail in it and each time I seem at it I style of to find anything new i’m like wow I did not comprehend there’s slightly sigil of Lucifer with his little cash there is pentagrams the element of that is simply impeccable hook there’s even a goat see totally forgot the goat however I consider she makes these as one-of-a-style and i did first see Black Friday where strong my jaw drops I win it’s attractive and that i suppose that may be a rather fine touch as well the place you could comprehend that the piece that you’re ordering is real specific i am definite she also does make replicas if you noticed a picture of mine and fell in love with it i am certain she would make it for you – any such sinner message the element in this is once more it’s tremendous busy so I in my view would just pair it with an outfit that’s tremendous easy and make this be the announcement piece thank you so much for looking at i’m hoping you’ve gotten loved this video and probably seen some thing that you simply appreciated as well I continually enjoy introducing my viewers to new brands notably once they ask extra like myself they usually might no longer be finding out so please remark down under for those who like this video which used to be your favourite piece are you going to go to the website and buy anything else let me recognize what you bought for those who did please add me on Instagram if you haven’t already i am very energetic on that so if you want a glimpse of what i am doing on a day to day groundwork Instagram is the situation to be i’ll see you guys soon bye

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