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getofy · 3 years

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as you are loved by another

genre: angst; tsukishima x gn!reader | wc: 1.2k

—a/n: hello! this is long overdue but tysm for 100 followers aaa. it means a lot that people enjoy my stupid headcanons/word-vomits. as a gift i offer you: this angsty kei fic that i wrote in the wee hours of the morning. is it good? questionable. am i happy with it? not necessarily. however, posting this seemed better than scrapping so here we are </3. enjoy!

cw: brief mentions of death/funerals; self pity/deprecation; no spoilers; one-sided pining; hurt/no comfort

—synopsis: in which tsukishima’s not sure who he hates more: your new boyfriend or himself.

edit: i made it so when tsukki refers to ur boyfriend, it’s in italics. im so sorry i forgot to do that before.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

—Tsukishima had never considered himself to be a hateful person, and yet, here he was: laying in bed on a Friday night, thinking about you with him, and allowing levels of unprecedented envy to bubble up in his chest.

This was not how he had expected his night to turn out.

One moment, he had been doing homework at his desk, and the next, his mind was wandering to today at lunch when you giggled after receiving a text message from your insufferable boyfriend. The memory lasted for only a short moment, but it was all it took to make his head spiral. He had tried to control it, but once his brain got going, it was hard to get it to stop; eventually, he had to retire from being productive to rotting on his mattress.

Generally, Tsukishima was good at keeping sentiments such as these at bay. But it’s been getting harder to do that now, especially since you and him have been so affectionate together recently.

The cruelty of it all leaves him feeling burned by the fire of his jealousy, and a natural disaster of his own making plays out in the depths of his heart as he studies the intricacies of his bare, white ceiling. A song by some band he couldn’t bother to remember the name of emits itself loudly from his phone speakers while the middle blocker desperately tries to stop his train of toxic thinking. He rolls from his back to his side and lowers the annoying music’s volume; not even the most incredible lyrical masterpiece could pull him from the devastation the conflagration of his emotions had been causing him as of late.

And, besides, the sound was giving him a headache. He preferred to brood in silence.

The intensity of his feelings irritates him. Despite his outwardly antagonistic exterior, Tsukishima had always believed his tendency for total apathy would take precedent over any other negative emotion—including jealously.

Tonight, however, was proving this preconceived notion of his character completely wrong.

This wasn’t the first time he’d wasted his night thinking about you and him. Ever since the day you had giddily announced your new relationship, Tsukishima had been allowing himself to become more acquainted with the green-eyed monster, and this evening, he relishes in its company more than usual.

Pity parties like this—which was shaping up to be the worst one to date—had been happening to him more frequently. Feelings of contempt had become his newfound obsession in the sense that they consumed his very being. Hating him was easier than hating himself, and he enjoyed it. The only downside towards living so sullenly was that it made him realize that, more often than not, guilt was a close companion of unwarranted negativity.

Tsukishima knew better than anyone else how outrageous his feelings were. And feeling this way did trouble him, but then again, how could he not be envious?

Seeing the way his hand wrapped around your waist. Recalling the way his fingers traced little shapes into your hands. Remembering the way his eyes followed you as you walked out of the room—as if Kei’s hadn’t been the ones that did that first. It was all just too much for him to bear. Knowing that he made you happy in a way that he could not.

The overwhelming knowledge of his inadequacy makes the middle blocker want to double over in anguish, but he won’t, not yet. He is much too proud to allow himself to display such sorrow, so he’ll settle for feeling hatred tonight instead.

Of course, he knows that he’s in no position to be feeling this way. You were never his, and he had never shown interest in changing that. It was only a matter of time before someone swept you off your feet and gave you the affection he had neglected to provide you with. This whole situation was very obviously his fault. If he had been brave enough to confess before he had, maybe he’d be the one you loved instead. Or maybe not. Your new boyfriend was absolutely perfect for you, and Kei was anything but.

This was so tirelessly aggravating. Why did you have to be stupid and date somebody he could never compete with?

White-hot resentment flows through his veins, and he’s not sure if it’s directed at you, himself, or the man you love. Regardless, one more second of this suffocation, and he thinks it’s likely he’ll die by the morning time. The thought of it makes him laugh, and it temporarily lifts the burden on his heart.

Maybe his funeral would be green-themed. That wouldn’t be so bad—he quite likes the color. Or maybe his tombstone would say something like: ‘Tsukishima Kei: A son, a friend, and someone left gasping for air after being smothered to death by the tight grip of unjustifiable envy.’

Wouldn’t that be something?

Tsukishimas mind betrays the light-heartedness of the moment ruined when, bitterly, it wonders how much you’d care if his death—albeit a metaphorical one—actually did happen.

You probably wouldn’t be too concerned, especially now that you’ve got...someone who isn’t himself who would happily help to console you as you grieve. You were always gushing about how your new boyfriend was such a good listener. One kiss from that guy would probably make any pain you felt about his own fictional death go away in an instant.

Not that he would blame you. Tsukishima thought himself to be pretty forgettable. And he was anything but.

Why reminisce on the underwhelming memory of his own life when you had someone who shone so much brighter than he ever could to focus on instead?

He hates this—the way he let it get this bad. What was wrong with him? He was acting like an entitled child watching other kids play with a toy he wanted to play with. And he hated himself for it. You were a person, not a possession. And even if you were, you were still not his to have.

No, you belonged to someone infinitely better.

Someone who made you smile bigger than he ever could. Someone who made you laugh harder than he ever would. Someone who he despised—second only to himself—more than anyone else in the world.

As he rests in the still of his room, evaluating how intelligent he could possibly be after doing something as stupid as falling for one of his best friends, Tsukishima Kei decides that while he may hate your lover, he hates himself more.

A strange melancholy replaces his previous feelings of jealousy, and his typical level of self-loathing cranks it’s way up to 100. There’s a growing ache in place of where his heart should be, and Kei shakily brings his hand to clench at it. When the pain does not subside, he deduces that his current level of grief was inconsolable. Wearily, the middle blocker shuts his eyes close and allows himself to escape to the bliss of sleep.

Maybe, he’d be able to outrun the misery of loving you as you are loved by someone else in the world of dreams.

He hopes he can.

*do not repost my work without proper credit and my explicit permission.

a/n: again, i apologize for not being super active (mental illness goes hard), but i’ve been feeling better so hopefully that changes! likes + reblogs are always appreciated and feel free to give me constructive criticism (i know i need it lol). i hope you enjoyed.

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antigenius · 4 years

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(Nice Anon) Thank you for letting me resend this. I'd like a match up for BNHA. I'm a straight redhead girl with blue eyes. I'm ENFP. I am kind, patient, positive, imaginative, and always happy. I am compassionate, like to make other be happy, and be around my friends. If I happen to not be happy, I will typically lie that "I'm fine" so others don't have to worry about me. My love language is physical touch. 1/2 (hopefully second one and this one gets through)

HI SUNSHINE CAN I SAY FIRST OF ALL I LOVE YOU SECOND OF ALL IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG PLEASE I SWEAR I WAS DOING YOURS I Just felt braindead ;-;

Also, you’re very close to my personality, just the softer and more patient version. We’re literally the same person in hobbies :”)))))

Anyway!!! After thinking about for a long time to make sure you have the PERFECT matchup, we’ve got you paired with…

Eijiro Kirishima!

I had to really think about this one because again, I wanted this to be perfect for you. There wasn’t exactly someone who I thought fit you exactly, but Kirishima was VERY close to perfect, and he is such a babie so I hope you don’t mind!!

I think you and Kiri would go well simply because of your lighthearted attitude towards life. You seem like a person who has a very optimistic perspective, so I think that would go well with Kirishima!

However the fact that you also tend to think about deeper topics and have more philosophical thoughts sometimes is also pretty good for Kiri!! I think people just think he’s this guy who wants to do everything manly-like. He does… but he does have times where he’d go like “Y’know… Stars are super pretty, but we’re just watching them die right in front of our eyes. We’re watching a corpse that’s already dead.” And you’ll look at him like “kiri are you oK”

You’re also a soft person! You seem to balance out Kirishima’s energy with a more soft, sleepy aura. He might run ahead and rush into battle, but you’d be able to hold him back and tell him to stop and rationalise the situation better, possibly even finding a weakness in the fortress.

I also think you guys would be super cute lovers!! I think you’d both enjoy sitting down and watching a really cute movie like bambi whilst cuddling on the couch, letting your arms wrap tightly around each other.

Kiri would love it if you wrote a song for him. He’d hECKING CRY if you made one for him on valentine’s day. He’d try and learn guitar from you so he could make songs for you too!!!

Also, a song I listened to whilst writing this date was Japanese Denim. You’ll see why it’s relevant in juuust a moment!!

A date with Kirishima

“Ow…”

After practicing the guitar endlessly, the steel strings were slowly turning the tips of your fingertips hard and stiff. You place the guitar down beside you, massaging the fingertips in attempts to soften them again. Eiji watches you do so, silently gesturing his hand out. You blink before placing your hand in his, letting him caress them gently.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

You cherished the quiet moments you had with him. His dyed hair was albeit damp from his shower still, messy and slightly tangled. You watched him interlock his hands with yours, looking down at them.

“You should take a break.”

“I should?”

He continues to caress your hands. “Yeah.”

You hum, gripping his hands in yours, causing him to look up. His crimson eyes locked with yours and you had to stop yourself from just staring straight at him. He lets your hands go and picks the guitar up himself, strumming the strings in a random order. You giggle at his attempt to play.

“Here.” You sit beside him, readjusting the guitar in his lap. “Don’t you remember how I showed you last time?”

Placing his left hand on the bridge of the guitar and the right hand just above the hole, you were about to reteach him the notes when he began to play a tune. It was a slow, rhythmic melody, sweetening the air with its sugary mellow notes. It seemed familiar, and you wondered why until you heard a quiet lyric.

“My blue jeans…”

You stare, shocked. Eiji had fallen in love with this song ever since he heard you play it, despite it being such a dawdling sap song when you looked at it. You had never seen him practice it though, or really practice the guitar for that matter. Yet here he sat, perfectly playing the notes like he made it himself.

“Will last me all, my life…”

His voice was almost inaudible, quite like a whisper. He didn’t even really seem to notice that you were watching him, until he raised his head to look at you. He looked at you and he let his eyes wander over your adorable form, legs propped to the side as your plush lips parted, a smallish gap letting your pearly whites shine through. The large white tee-shirt you wore was covering your body in an entirety, making you look pure and somewhat like a marshmallow. He smiled at the sight; you were gorgeous.

The last notes linger in the air, letting its honey warm aura to wash over the both of you.

“Did… you learn from Jirou..?”

Eiji turns a bright red, embarrassed as to how he was found out so quick. “Maybe?-“

This earns him a laugh from you, a twinkly snark that sets his heart ablaze.

“It’s cute. You did really well!”

The words tumble out his mouth before he could really even stop himself. “You’re my Japanese Denim.”

“..What?”

He internally facepalms. “I meant, uhm.. You’re my…”

He cursed himself. This was so unmanly, why couldn’t he just say what it was he trying to say? Why did he have to bumble his words like he was a toddler who just learned the alphabet?

“I get it, don’t worry.”

He glances back up as your lips curve into a tender smile.

“We’ll last like Japanese Denim. That’s what you wanted to say, right?”

Your blue eyes looked so perfect. They shone and sparkled like pretty sea gems, the small crows feet at the sides from when you smiled. He smiled back, planting a small peck on your cheek.

“Yeah.”

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