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ultratesterthings · 4 years

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Doctors found unsafe to drive home after work

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Pamela Wible MD

Some employers are now providing cab rides for physicians because they’re too fatigued to drive safely after their hospital shifts.

Just got this email from a resident [physician-in-training]: “OMG. See below. The violations and consequences pretty much deter you from ever bothering to want to use this service.”

My response: “If doctors are so tired they can’t drive, why are they being allowed to care for hospitalized patients? If they can’t safely drive a car, why are they being allowed to run ventilators in the ICU?”

His response: “Exactly. And then let’s offer residents a ride in the most threatening way possible so that there is no chance they will take it. It’s all so stupid that it’s painful. I think you need to publish volume two of Physician Suicide Letters—Answered and just publish documents like this. They speak for themselves just like the letters.”

I reply: “Sleep deprivation is a torture technique and a form of hazing common in medical training. Did you see my TEDMED talk where I discussed this?”

He responds: “The funny part is, how often does a doctor ever not work 12 hours and not feel exhausted. I think any physician would have difficulty abusing this. However my bet is, if you were to use this too often—whatever that is—(even within their stated criteria of 12 hours and exhaustion) you would be called in for a chat to ask why it is that you are so tired so often, and more absurd, humiliating questions. Kind of like our work hours reporting now. [Residents are limited to an 80-hour work week]. We have learned not to report working beyond 80 hours/week. If you do you are called in to discuss the “hour violations” and a chat about how inefficient you are. So everyone lies, everyone works way over what they report, and yes everyone is still exhausted. Round and round we go . . .”

Pamela Wible, M.D., is a physician who is outraged by the health care cycle of abuse that wounds physicians and patients alike. She helps physicians break free of the cycle of abuse at biannual retreats. Need help? Contact Dr. Wible.

36 comments on “Doctors found unsafe to drive home after work”

Thomas Lucksays:

Too fatigued to be driving but not too fatigued to be working!!!!

Tad Lucksays:

Too fatigued to drive but not too fatigued to have been working!

Robert Hailesays:

During my training in Boston 80 hours would have been a relief. In the 70’s and 80’s 120 hours was common. Where one wished the ER admission did not survive to add more work during a 36 straight hour stint. Where the opportunity to sleep 1-2 hours was not taken as it made you feel even worse. They said I’d get faster, but I did not as I realized the speed came from dangerous shortcuts. Through my career, I chose to spend my time with patients, making less money. But the stress accumulated: two cancers, one pre-cancer, 4 brain surgeries a total of 25 major surgeries, stress related illness. I am now broke living on less than $13,000/year after medical bills are paid. I had to retire at 62 due to health issues. I moved to a poor country to survive. Not all doctors are greedy.

some thingsays:

Not to belittle anyone’s situation… but… for every action, there is a reaction. I live with “one of those doctors” that chooses efficiency to be good at what he does, and see as many rare cases as he can as we are in a community with a high need in his specialty and his training is top-notch – he has a wait list a mile long to see him. He is anything but a villain, more-so a product of ivy league training. He has a partner that wants to spend “lots of time” with her pts. Guess whom is burnt out at 55?; not the one taking “more time,” but the one working his rear off to pay for all the overhead of the office, while allowing someone else a quality semi-retirement – she is happy and healthy from what I see. Further, it goes without saying, “they aren’t all greedy.” Frankly, as a nurse I have yet to meet one greedy doctor, most are burnt out, stressed to the hilt, exhausted, pessimistic, depressed, introverted, giving to a fault, at least in the hospital. One talks to herself down the hallway (a lot!), and bangs her head on the counter top in frustration at times. 12 hours? As a nurse, I do 16 hour shifts regularly, and come back for more up to 13 days in a row (and I make a tiny fraction of what my better half does, granted my training is a fraction of what he has, so hardly a comparison). I know RNs that have worked up to 23 days in a row. They, (admin) do not care if you are tired. Further, a side effect of this job (often) is divorce, so being neutered of “greed” (if it exists) will most likely take place. Let’s just do the math, office overhead, an ex that won’t work and wants to live a Beverly Hills lifestyle on air for income (literally), several (or many) self-entitled kids that will need financial support til 30, half of your income to Uncle Sam, you make the “most” in your family/siblings so get the job of supporting parents for life, etc. What’s left?

Ioana Perenisays:

Thank you Inspiring articles- make me feel so much better about how I feel in the NHS- still abuse and forced labour ‘ we just overbooked 2 patients on the list’-but I haven’t slept for 24 hours, did two clinics yesterday, spent half of the night answering calls and the other dealing with trauma in casualty/ main ED ! Reply – ‘we can’t cancel patients as hospital gets fined’ Great, another 2 redbulls and forever grateful to the NHS Surprising to see US system is similar on treating doctors badly I learned the hard way to get myself out of ‘burnout’- fill my life with positive enjoyable experiences non- work related. Can’t change the system? Change your life, youred or working environment Ultimately I signed an employment contract, with exit clauses and I haven’t signed my life away. Hospital doesn’t pay for my mobile contract, hence I answer calls I consider important and leave others in voicemail for next day. Take control of your time and make time for yourself, not selfish, but self caring and loving. Aim to change what you can, or accept until ready to move on Ultimately a happy content doctor will care far better for his family and patients than a stressed, a used ‘burnt out one’- if not doing it for yourself, do it for your patients!

Lisasays:

Thank you for this. This resonated very strongly with me. I am an intern and felt a lot of this when I started. The pressure and the judgment and the fatigue and the unclear expectations and the high stakes and some of my own health problems was somewhat overwhelming and I started to feel like Atlas holding the weight of the world on my shoulders, just struggling to keep everything from crashing down. It took a lot of reflection and soul searching but I emerged from it all with a much stronger sense of self. As the expression goes, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?” I still get in trouble from time to time from the old school attendings who want me to “know my place,” but I stand up for myself. I listen to what they say and integrate what means sense into how I behave. I spent a lot of time in my mentor’s office, listening to his stories, learning from him, gaining from his wisdom. I was so frustrated with the healthcare system and how I couldn’t change it. He told me if I want to make a difference and be a leader, I first need to do my time and serve. Now I go to work with the idea of service in my heart and the revolutionary idea of putting my patient first in everything I do and treating them with kindness, respect, compassion, dignity and genorosity. I still get overwhelmed and overworked from time to time, but when I come back to serving the patient, it becomes a joy to go to work

Marcee Knierysays:

I was rear-ended by a doctor who had come off a double shift. This was around 5:30 PM. He felt so terrible!

Agbai Dimgbasays:

It’s a capitalist world: keep on using me until you use me up! You have to be drained of every bit of strength in you if you want to live like a ‘doctor’. And you’d better be good at what your doing otherwise any slip and down comes the hydra-headed ax of the administrators, lawyers and insurance companies. For some doctors by the time they’re ready to enjoy the money health issues arise because of the beating the body has endured over the years. But which profession does not have its downsides? We just need to work smart to balance work, family, service to humanity, and to God for those who believe, and of course come together for better collective bargaining…and know when to say ‘enough is enough’.

carole baraldisays:

This post brings back painful memories. I lost a close friend from medical school. During her intern year she fell asleep driving post-call and died in an accident. She was on her way to the airport for her first vacation. She was one of the most beautiful spirits I had ever met. She grew up poor helping her father raise her younger sister after her mother died. She worked so hard to get to medical school and fulfill her dreams. I feel again acutely the heartache of losing a dear friend and thinking about her father and sister who adored her and suffered another great loss in their lives. As an intelligent and compassionate young physician she had a bright future and I know would have been a healer to so many. This death was preventable. I know working too much and fatigue is not a problem limited to doctors and nurses, but I think in our field it is rampant. As you have repeatedly pointed out, how can we take care of others if we cannot take care of ourselves??? And why do our leaders not make that a priority??? If one life can be saved, isn’t paying for cab rides without even blinking an eye worth it? How many cab rides is a life worth? This hospital must not think that many. Thank you Pamela for all the work you are doing to raise awareness of a very broken system.

Sheguftasays:

My mom was in a car accident when driving home from a residency shift once and ended up in the hospital. She woke up and she had driven into the back of a parked truck (the front engine part of the car was pretty much under the truck). After physically recovering she had to take a month off of work and probably had minor driving related PTSD after (she was a lot more nervous/shakey when it came to driving ever since and it has affecting the quality of her driving greatly)

Ron Sautter MDsays:

In an ideal world, the only real organization we have, the AMA, would be standing up to fight on behalf of practicing physicians and residents. As it is, there is a heavy contingent of medical school and residency directors involved in the AMA leadership, so obviously we don’t live in an ideal world.

James Wilk, MDsays:

I have fallen asleep (thankfully for only a few seconds) on I-25 in Denver, almost hitting the concrete barrier between the northbound and southbound lanes, when post-call during my internal medicine residency. More than once.

Cherylsays:

Burned out family doctor at 42. 🙁 never thought I’d be done mid-career. I wanted to be a doctor since I was little.

Samantha Duttonsays:

After working as a behaviorist in a family medicine residency, your talk resonated with me. Although there were no suicides during my time, the stress level was unbelievable. I spent most of my time, not educating the residents in behavioral medicine but in “off the record” counseling. I am in agreement with changing the culture where it is learned…medical school. I would also advocate having a behaviorist (social worker, psychologist) in ALL residencies. I loved my residents, they were and are still very special to me…even if my office was the “cry room”.

Georgesays:

During residency, I had to crank up the AC (even in the winter) and blast the radio to try to stay awake on my 30-minute drive home after shifts. Fortunately, I never fell asleep while driving. But I did fall asleep a couple times waiting at lights. When I mentioned this (and similar issues) to my attendings at the time, I was essentially told to toughen up. Scary situation!

Luz Rodriguezsays:

That is totally insane, doctors are human beings not ROBOTS, I,remember working with residents that,were so exhausted they could not even walk on straight line but needed to be in surgery all night. The INSANITY need to STOP before we loose more doctor.

Dr Moosays:

I am a family physician, can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, day or night.If I have to sleep I pull over to a side street and sleep. This is not possible in some rough neighbourhoods and when on country roads. I live 50km from home,travelling to work on dangerous main roads with a high accident rate, high mortality rate.About once a week I have a near miss when other drivers tailgate or the unexpected happens. Once a small kitten dropped down from the back of a truck in front when it stopped momentarily in heavy traffic. He must have been sleeping in the undercarriage of the truck, then woke up and jumped down from the truck onto the tar road – straight into 6 lanes of heavy peak hour traffic. He tried to jump to the side, but he had nowhere to go except under the wheels of the cars. I cried all the rest of the way to work. Brake drums fallen off trucks, people running out in front of cars, small whirlwinds blowing cars out of their traffic lanes, loose cattle and wild animals on the road,heavy rain,hail, thunderstorms, it all goes on out here. Then I get to work and have to readjust from the survival rat run to be the dependable family Dr. Well, after my friend was run down by a garbage truck recently, I have taken stock and am moving to a job closer to home.Will also save on fuel costs.

Bill Mitchellsays:

It was common on surgery rotations for me to witness upper-levels commanding their lowers to send them a text when they got home so that they would know that they got home safely. As a med student I was protected from that much sleeplessness, thank goodness. I do look forward to the first time I receive such an instruction as an intern so that I can reply that I don’t send texts while I’m asleep and that if they can’t live with the uncertainty of my ability to stay alive on the roads they should consider trying to fix it instead of adding one more pointless bit of bureaucracy to my life. I’m anticipating being quite sleep-deprived at this point.

Has your dream job turned into a nightmare?

This content was originally published here.

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gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

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344: Get Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Yelling, or Losing Control With Amy From Positive Parenting Solutions

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/344-get-your-kids-to-listen-without-nagging-yelling-or-losing-control-with-amy-from-positive-parenting-solutions/

344: Get Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Yelling, or Losing Control With Amy From Positive Parenting Solutions

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

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Katie: Hello and welcome to “The Wellness Mama Podcast.” I’m Katie from WellnessMama.com and Wellnesse.com. That’s wellness with an E on the end. It’s our new line of personal care products that are both non-toxic and highly effective. This episode is all about how to get your kids to listen without nagging, or yelling, or losing control because I am here with Amy McCready from Positive Parenting Solutions. And I think you’re really going to enjoy this episode if you have kids. She’s the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the creator of the “7-Step Parenting Success System,” which is a course that I’m going through right now to prepare for this interview. She is also the author of two best selling parenting books. The first called “If I Have to Tell You One More Time” and “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic.”

She’s a regular contributor on the “Today” show and CBS, CNN, “Fox and Friends,” “Rachael Ray,” etc. And she’s helped thousands of families to have a happier home life and many parents to become calmer, happier parents. And in this episode, she gives a lot of really practical strategies for how to navigate a lot of what we’re facing right now. When your kids are home a lot more, how to navigate autonomy versus responsibility in older kids. Her “when then” system for getting things done without nagging around the house. Some tips for getting kids to want to actually do homework and schoolwork without the fight, etc. It’s a really fun and lightning episode. I think you’ll enjoy as much as I did. So without further ado, let’s jump in.

Amy, welcome. Thanks for being here.

Amy: Katie, thank you so much for having me. I’m thrilled to talk with you.

Katie: I am so excited about this interview because almost everybody listening is a parent. Most of my audience are moms. And I think this topic is timely and helpful all of the time. But especially, right now, with so much going on, and with summer starting, and kids home more, I feel like the information you have is just so vital for parents. So, I wanna jump right in. This is the thing I get a question about quite a bit as well, and I think you’re more qualified to speak on. So I have my kids home all the time because I homeschool. And I hear from my friends who are moms this time of year, like, “Oh gosh, the kids are gonna be home for all these weeks.” And they get stressed about it. So let’s start there. What do you say to parents who are kind of struggling to balance having the kids home for an extended period of time?

Amy: Well, I think it’s always more challenging when kids are home, whether it’s summer, or holiday breaks, or whatever it happens to be. And I think for parents, we have to just give ourselves a little bit of grace, and forgive ourselves. We may be a little bit more on edge or we may lose our temper more than we would normally. And that’s okay. But the other thing to know is that there are some concrete strategies that you can use all the time but especially, when kids are home, on break or vacation or whatever, that can make things go more smoothly, help your routines stay in check. And if they can implement some of those very basic things, then they’re gonna enjoy that time a lot more with their kids, their kids will be better behaved. Moms and dads will feel better about that time together and family life would just run a lot more smoothly.

Katie: That makes sense. And I think kind of also to start broad, like, I’d love to hear a little bit of your story because I’ve read a little bit of it and I’m going through the positive parenting solutions course right now. But have you always been this patient calm mom?

Amy: Hardly, hardly. And that’s probably the thing that parents don’t know about me unless they’ve heard my story is that I call myself a recovering yeller. Because when my kids were younger, I wanted to be a great mom. I have great kids and they’re wonderful but I found myself on a daily basis getting into this cycle of nagging and reminding my kids, and nagging and reminding, and nagging and reminding, and then I would just blow. And my yelling occurrences were not a one-off. It was a pretty much everyday thing and many times multiple times a day. And so that’s actually how I got into what I do now, is that I would find myself yelling so much, and I was feeling so defeated and frustrated, and sometimes even resentful of my kids, like these people that I love more than anything in the world. But I wasn’t being my best self. And so that’s when I started studying parenting strategies. And it was just so life-changing for our family, for me, personally, for my kids. And my business background was actually in adult training. And that’s what I did for a living. So I took that training expertise and thought, “I really feel like I could bring these strategies to parents and teach them in a way that was fun and it would be easy for them to implement.” And that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. So to answer your question, no, I’m not a calm and very Zen person by nature. I’m Type A, I’m controlling, I’m all of those things that tend to bring out the worst in terms of kids’ behavior. But, again, once you know the tools and the strategies, you can definitely turn that around.

Katie: I love that. And, you know, I always hear that line that parenthood doesn’t come with an instruction manual. And I think that’s really true. But I also found out, for me, just on the household side, I wanna go deep on the parenting side with you but I had a similar experience where I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, and just constantly stressed out at home, and I was running a business, and I was running my household. And I stepped back and went, “Why is it so easy to run my business and I am so stressed all the time at home? And I realized, at work, there were defined expectations. I had systems for things, I had a plan and goals and it was clearly defined. Whereas at home, I was trying to sort of manage everyone’s lives in my head, eight people off the top of my head, plan all the meals, and just keep all of that in my head all the time. So, from a household perspective, I realized if I could put the systems in place for my house, that would take a lot of that mental stress away, and I would still get the same amount done just without the stress of it. And I would guess for parenting, you probably discovered some similar things that if you had the strategies, and the frameworks, and the methods to do this, it actually makes your life probably much easier, right?

Amy: Absolutely. And I was laughing to myself when you said, you know, that your job came so much more easily and that’s what I found as well. I felt like I was very capable in my work job, my outside of the house job, but at home I felt like I was floundering. And I think, yes, you’re absolutely right. When you put those processes in place and the routines, and you have the expectations for everyone, it goes so much more smoothly. But the one piece that tends to happen with our kids is that when we put the processes in place, and when we have the rules, and the boundaries, and all those things, that’s helpful but our taskmaster nature actually tends to undermine things with our kids. So I always talk about, you know, how much time we spend sort of ordering, correcting, and directing. That tends to invite power struggles for our kids. So the piece that we have to remember at home is that we have to make sure that we intentionally create those emotional connection opportunities. We’re filling their attention buckets because if we don’t do those things, all of the systems can be in place but if we’re not doing those emotional connection times with our kids, then we’re gonna fall into this pattern of attention-seeking behavior and power struggles, and it’s gonna feel like so much more effort than it really should.

Katie: I love that. Can you give some examples of what that would look like? Because I feel like a lot of parents or at least speaking from my own experience, I know you can get stuck in that cycle of, my kids actually do need to get these things done. They need to help around the house, we’re part of the family, and then you’re just stuck reminding them and nagging them. So give us some examples of stepping back and reinforcing the emotional connection like that.

Amy: Yeah, so that’s the funny thing is that, you know, kids have these hard-wired needs for emotional connection and attention. But they won’t come to you and say, “You know what, Mom? I feel like my attention bucket is really not being filled right now. I’m not feeling that warm and fuzzy emotional connection from you.” Unfortunately, that need that they have will present itself as being overly clingy, and needy, and whining, and more of these attention-seeking behaviors, which makes us more frustrated. And again, you get into this vicious cycle. And just like our kids have an attention bucket, they also have a power bucket, which means that they need to have an age-appropriate sense of autonomy and control over their own lives. But again, they’re not gonna come to us and say, “You know, I feel like I need more control and decision-making opportunities.” They’re gonna dig in their heels. They’re gonna push back. They’re gonna resist, backtalk, and those types of things. And I always remind parents that kid priorities are not the same as parent priorities.

So the more we want them to do the things we want them to do, if we’re not meeting their needs for that emotional connection, filling their attention bucket and filling their power bucket, they’re gonna continue to resist. So the simplest thing is just spending one-on-one time with your kids on a daily basis, and it can be as short as 10 minutes. But in our positive parenting solutions community, we call this mind, body, and soul time because it reminds us for that 10 minutes, we are fully present in mind, body and soul with that child. And nothing is more important, and you’re doing exactly what that child loves to do. So it might be reading a chapter book, or playing Legos, or jumping on a trampoline, it’s whatever that child loves. But in those few moments, you’re giving them your 100% attention. They’re getting that emotional connection with you. And parents are just blown away, Katie, by how much more cooperative kids are, they’re willing to do all of those things that are parent priorities and not really kid priorities. But the key is when we meet their hardwired emotional needs first, all the other stuff becomes so much easier.

Katie: I love that. It’s such a good reframe. And I’ve seen that quote online as well. Like, you know, we have to remember as parents, especially the adults in these relationships, that when kids act out, they’re not trying to be the problem, they’re having a problem. And if we can reframe it and, like, look at what are their needs, and how can we address this, it totally changes how you look at your child and that totally changes the relationship. And I think that’s encouraging to hear as a parent also is, you know, this doesn’t have to be four hours a day per child, which wouldn’t even be possible in my case. You know, it’s like just having that actual focused quality time goes so far. And I think I did this somewhat intuitively, one of my daughter’s, as she got older, like, I could tell she was pulling back a little bit and just a little bit more moody and reserved. And so to connect with her on her level, I literally had to start pole vaulting. But now she’s, like, opened up and we’ve connected so much more. But it took exactly what you said. It took finding the things she loves to do, and me being willing to try it, and not be good at it, which I think is another important lesson for parents. You know, like, let them see you out of your comfort zone and let them see you work through something difficult because we help them work through difficult things all the time. How does that translate then into when they do need to get stuff done, when they need to do their laundry or the dishes or whatever it may be? Do you find just by the nature of putting that time in, they’re just so much more willing or are there strategies that you use to help them also be more willing to want to do those things?

Amy: Well, just by filling their attention bucket intentionally every day, it is almost, almost like a magic bullet that they are so much more cooperative, and easygoing, and willing to do those things that they’re supposed to do. Now, we all know there’s no such thing as a parenting silver bullet so you need some backup strategies. So one of the strategies that I teach to parents is called the when-then routine. And in a when-then routine, it requires that the yucky stuff is done before the more fun parts of the day. So a when-then routine might sound like this. When you finished unloading the dishwasher, then we can have our special time before lunch. So that yucky thing that they don’t wanna do gets done before the more enjoyable thing or when you’ve completed your schoolwork or when you’ve completed your family contributions, then you can have your 30 minutes of technology time. So we’re always the positioning the yucky stuff before the more enjoyable things. It’s important to note that this is not a reward system. If you do this, then you can get that. That’s something very different. Actually, we don’t advocate that at all.

But it is these normally occurring privileges, like whatever maybe technology time you allow or going outside to play with your friends or even our special time together. When the family jobs get done with the schoolwork or whatever those things are, then you can enjoy whatever that thing is. But that when-then routine is magical. And in fact, all of your routines should be set up in a when-then format. So, in the morning, when kids are going to school, let’s say they’re going out to school, when you are dressed, your bed is made, hair is combed, backpack and lunchbox are by the door, then we’ll have breakfast and we can have some special time before we leave for the bus. In the evenings, when you’ve had your bath, teeth are brushed and flossed, and clothes picked up for the morning, then we’ll have our special time before lights out at 8:00. So sometimes you have to put a time limit at the end there, but all of your routines you can set up in a when-then fashion, and it’s fabulous for parents because they can get out of the nagging and reminding business. It really works so beautifully, Katie.

Katie: That makes sense. And in fact, it probably takes the responsibility of having to do any of that nagging or reminding pretty much off your plate because if they come ask, “Can I do screentime? Can I play outside?”, whatever, all you have to say is, “Well did you do this?” And it’s then their choice and their responsibility. The one confounding thing I’m thinking is with my older kids. What about when you get older kids who don’t want to do the one-on-one time as much or they’re pulling back or, like, you know, just aren’t engaging as much in general because they’re kind of hitting that age is? How do you emotionally connect with them?

Amy: That’s a great question. So, mind, body and soul time, I really advocate for kids of all ages. But sometimes we position it differently. So for all kids, if possible, I like to label it. So call it something, you know, Jason and mommy time, whatever you wanna call it. Now, for older kids, you may not label it. So you don’t want it turn into this big, like, you know, they roll their eyes when you say, “Okay, it’s Jeffrey and mommy time.” You just sort of make it happen without making a big pronouncement out of it. And so sometimes that is just being in their vicinity. So if they’re sitting reading a book, you sit down with your book and read it with them. And then afterwards, you can say, “I love sitting here reading with you. This is so cool.” So we don’t make a big deal about it beforehand, but you sort of just slide your way into whatever they’re doing. But then you book end it with just that little, “Aah, I love spending this time with you. This is so fun.”

And then the other thing is being interested in what they’re interested in. And so if they’re into photography or even social media, like you said before, let them teach you things. So let them teach you how to use new platforms or how to, you know, do photos properly on Instagram and all of those types of things that kids are so much better at than we are. Use that as an opportunity to emotionally connect with them. But the connection time is still really important for teens. We just do it slightly differently. The other little thing, Katie, too, even for teens, I love having some sort of a tuck-in routine with them, if you will. Again, it’s gonna look different than your littles. But just some connection time where you are just spending a few minutes with them, connecting, talking about the day, whatever it is. It’s just so powerful and kids may act like they don’t want it. They really do love it once you get into a good routine.

Katie: That makes sense. I could definitely see that. And from that to the other end of the spectrum, at least, for me, with toddlers, I feel like they’re the easy ones to connect because they’re sponges. And if you wanna read a book, or they’ll play Legos, any of that, they love it. But then you run into more of, like, the tantrum or meltdown phases where it’s like, how do you break that cycle when they’re in that kind of a phase?

Amy: That’s the classic question for the younger ones, that’s for sure. So a couple of things, you will find that when you start doing the mind, body, and soul time consistently on a daily basis, the frequency and intensity of those tantrum episodes will decrease. That is proven time and time again. So that’s the first piece. The second piece is when that tantrum happens, again, recognize that that child is having difficulty. It’s not about you, the child is having a hard time. So the most important thing is to connect, be there, get down on their level. Through trial and error, figure out what’s gonna help that child in that moment, show empathy, work on calming strategies, breathing techniques, all of those things that sort of help recenter the mind and body. We can start to teach those things at a young age. We have to recognize that these are kind of skills that kids have to learn. And it takes a little while, but we can start that process right then and there. But I think if we view it, as you said earlier, “This child is having a hard time,” rather than it being a misbehavior, it puts us in a totally different mindset in terms of how we respond to that child. And it’s gonna completely shift how quickly the child comes out of that episode.

Katie: That makes sense. Okay. So in the very beginning, we started talking a little bit about routine. And I’d love to circle back to that, especially with times like kids being home for the summer and not the normal school year type routine. Do you recommend being rigid and creating a routine to kind of keep through the summer or being more lenient in times like that? How do you navigate those?

Amy: Yeah, so I am big on routine. I don’t think we have to be militant. But I think a routine is important, one, because human beings in general, but especially kids crave a sense of order. And most kids do better when there is a sense of order to their day. And so if there can be a general routine that we follow, things happen in a certain order of events, the day will just go more smoothly. So if you are homeschooling, you know, you kind of have your block schedule in terms of the order in which we do things within those blocks and there can be a lot of flexibility. So if it’s a movement or a creativity block, what we do within that can be very flexible. But you would do less nagging and reminding, Katie, if we can have a routine that we follow, even during the summer. Now we want summers to be fun and all of that, but certain things can remain the same. So kids have family contributions, and I call them family contributions, not chores. We can talk about that later. But they have family contributions that they do every day. I highly recommend that bedtimes remain the same.

And the bedtime can be different, say, during the summer, the time can be different during the summer than during the school year if they’re going out to school, but it should be the same every night because kids internal clocks, they still need the same amount of sleep. Their internal clocks don’t recognize the difference between a Saturday night versus a Tuesday night. So keeping routines the same for bedtime can really go a long way in just easing just a lot of stress and anxiety for the parent. The other reason that’s important is that if the bedtime is 8:00 one night, 8:30 the next, and 9:00 the next, you really don’t have a bedtime routine. You don’t have a bedtime. So it becomes negotiable every night and it can turn into this power struggle. So even during summer vacations or holidays, or when we’re all home for other reasons, the more that we can keep the routine pretty consistent, it’ll just make things a lot easier for parents and a lot easier for kids.

Katie: Gotcha. Okay. And I’m glad that you brought up bedtime because I think that’s another area where parents can have a lot of difficulty and it seems to change. So the little ones, at least in my house, it’s been more of the having trouble getting them to get in bed, stay in bed, and then they need water, and they need to go to the bathroom, and then they had a bad dream or whatever, all the things maybe. With my older ones, it’s more of anything, they just wanna stay up and read longer. But any strategies for navigating bedtime and all the different ages and enforcing it without it being a fight?

Amy: Yes, so that we could talk an entire hour just on bedtime. There’s so much to cover here, but just some general guidelines. So you talked about all the requests, the drink of water, the one more hug, all of those types of requests that you get during the bedtime routine. I recommend that you with your kids revisit what that routine is gonna look like. So all the things that they asked for you build that into the routine. And so we decide that, you know, lights out is at 7:30 or 8:00 or whatever time that is, and then all of those things, that extra kiss, and the drink of water, and the back rub, all of those things happen within the routine. Once you close the door, that’s it. Now, you can prepare ahead. Like, you can keep a sippy cup in the room with just, you know, a little tiny bit of water in it. So if they get thirsty in the middle of the night, they have it there. But once the door closes, that’s it. Now there’s quite a bit of a training process that we help parents with to kind of navigate that so it doesn’t turn into a big power struggle. But what we don’t wanna be in the business of is, you know, just responding all night long with these requests because then parents never get a break. They’re exhausted. They end up dreading the bedtime routine.

And it’s a big power struggle. The other thing that I recommend is that the tuck-in time, be one parent and one child, rather than, you know, we read books with everybody together, we do prayers with everybody together, all of those things. While that’s efficient, it doesn’t really fill their attention bucket. And the other problem is when there’s, you know, two kids and one parent, sort of the pack mentality can set in and they start acting up, and that can be difficult. So the more you can do one parent, one child for the tuck-in routine, which means you’ll be staggering, that’s gonna give you better results. Then for older kids, that is just sort of working with them. You know, if they wanna have more reading time, that’s probably fine. But still having a lights out time that you respect. Certainly, we wanna have a technology lights out time, long before their actual bedtime, just so they’re not doing a lot of technology right before they go to bed. So a lot of things to consider in the whole bedtime routine, depending on the age of the child, the preferences of the parents and what kind of power struggles we’re having in general.

Katie: Gotcha. And I’m glad you brought up technology as well because certainly, this is an area that I think our generation kind of uniquely gets to figure out how to handle with kids. Because, at least, for me, that was just starting to come around when I was a teenager. So it wasn’t really… Like, there was no social media at that point. My parents didn’t really have to figure out how to navigate that. And now, we have kids with these devices and they’re connected to the world through technology, which has many advantages and certainly is not going away. And as adults, they’re going to need to know how to navigate technology. But as parents, we have a responsibility for teaching them to navigate it responsibly and also not letting it take over our family lives. And also, before we jump into any topic like this, I also wanna say I realize this is different, I’m sure in every family and there are times where kids are using technology for schoolwork or for other things. So I’m not trying to, like, poo technology at all. I just am curious, do you have any guidelines for navigating technology appropriately at all the different stages?

Amy: Yes, it is important that you really give some thought to that because you’re right, kids, whether they are doing remote schooling, you know, they’re gonna have technology that they’re using for that. And there’s not much that we can do about that as parents. But there is a lot of what I call recreational technology time that kids are spending and we do have the responsibility to put some boundaries around that. We have the responsibility to do training around that. So, it can’t be a free for all, that, you know, all day long they can have access to the technology. So, again, it’s going to depend on the age of your kids. But first I recommend that you make technology part of a when-then routine team that we talked about earlier. So when your family contributions are done, then you can have your technology time. We also want to be very clear that when technology time is over, we put it away, and then it’s over. If there’s a lot of griping, or groaning, or complaining, or, “Mom, can I just have five more minutes?” And if it turns into a power struggle every day, then that’s not working. And so that tells you that probably that child may not be mature enough to handle the privilege of that technology. And we really wanna back off of it for a while, or we might need more training or whatever it happens to be.

But it cannot turn into a situation where the parent is the technology police and that every day is a battle because that’s not working for anybody. So we’re gonna put those boundaries in place. If kids cannot follow the rules that you’ve set forth based on your wisdom and what you know is appropriate for their emotional well-being and safety, if they can’t follow those rules, then they’re not gonna have access to that technology. And working with parents, I think that’s one of the most difficult things, Katie, because parents fear the wrath of their kids when they limit technology. And so they are fearful of putting the boundaries around it and then it turns into a free for all. So we have to do that. If kids can follow the rules, then they can have access to the technology because it is a privilege. It’s not a right. The other thing is that the training piece is really important. You wouldn’t send your kid out in the car without any training. Well, the same is true for technology. So teaching them how to use it responsibly. And there’s a lot of great online resources for that, how to use social media responsibly, training on your digital footprint. All of those types of things are really important. That’s our job. And so if we’re gonna allow them to have that technology, we need to make sure that we do take care time for training as well.

Katie: Gotcha. Okay. I think those are great guidelines. Another thing that seems to be an issue with certain parent-kid dynamics is back talking or acting sassy with parents. Any strategies for that? I would guess like everything we’ve talked about, probably the one-on-one time helps and just having natural consequences and systems built-in so you’re not constantly nagging, means there’s fewer times for that, but any other strategies or ways that you navigate?

Amy: You’re right, Katie, that’s probably the number one thing that parents bring to me us, like, the problem behavior, it’s that backtalk, and sassiness, and attitude. But the thing that we have to remember and we talked about this kind of at the beginning is that that is the symptom. It’s not the real problem. So if we can think about the backtalk as the symptom and not, like, that’s not the thing that we have to fix, we want to address the root cause of the behavior. And so as you said, we can do that by filling their attention bucket one-on-one every single day. That is essential. And again, if there’s a magic bullet in parenting, that is it. We also wanna be aware of our communication, and how much ordering, correcting, and directing that we do. One of the things that I teach to parents in our program is a parent personality assessment programs so, like, to figure out how your personality brings out certain behaviors in your kids. So for me, my personality is super controlling, naturally. So if I allow my natural controlling Miss Bossypants tendencies to show too much, I’ll naturally get power struggles. So for parents, they can learn how to sort of tweak their natural responses, so they do less ordering, correcting, and directing, and then use other tools that will get better cooperation. That will help reduce the backtalk.

When that does happen, again, remember that the child is having difficulty. There’s something else going on. So to show grace and empathize with that child. “Wow, you seem really frustrated. Wow, I can tell you are really mad about this.” Empathize with whatever it is they’re being sassy about, forget the sassiness for a minute and get to, like, what the theme is that they’re really upset about and show empathy with that. We’re gonna be much more likely to get through that if, again, we connect on that emotional level. The other thing that we can do is recognize that the backtalk, the sassiness, those are power behaviors. So when kids are exerting their power behaviors, it is usually an indication that they’re not feeling enough personal control, power autonomy over their own world. So there are strategies we can use for that. A simple one is giving them more decision-making opportunities. So think about areas in your family life, where you can get kids more involved in making decisions. Maybe it’s meal planning for the week. If the family is taking a vacation several months from now, get them involved in that. The more that they can have real-world decision-making opportunity, that is gonna really help their power bucket. And then the last thing that I would say and this is the hardest, Katie, is don’t take the bait.

When kids kind of serve up that sassy remark, that backtalk remark, it is so instinctive for us to respond with power, “You will not speak to me that way.” You know, “I demand respect,” or whatever the words are that you would say. But when we do that, it totally escalates the power struggle. So instead, if we can refuse to take the bait and just say with a smile and in a calm voice, say, “Sweetie, I’d love you too much to argue about this. Let’s talk about this when we’re both feeling more calm.” But just that smile on your face in a calm voice, “I love you too much to argue about this,” it just diffuses it. It says, “I’m not gonna engage in this power struggle. I’m not accepting your invitation and we’ll talk about this later. Whatever it is that you’re upset about, that’s important to me but I’m not gonna get into a battle with you.” So, again, I keep saying this, but we could talk for just a whole hour on backtalk, and attitude, and sassiness. But just sort of remembering those core issues of why it’s happening in the first place and addressing that will be our best strategy.

Katie: Yeah, I think you’re so right. It’s important to reframe that and I really also liked that you brought up the control autonomy dynamic because I’m just in the early stages of having to navigate this. So I’m by no means an expert. But it is something I think a lot about right now, just having a teenager and soon to have another teenager, and remembering what it was like to be a teenager as well. And I’ve read enough psychology to know, kids in that age, especially once they hit the teenage years, psychologically, they actually are trying to become more independent. And that’s an important psychological stage for them, as they’re preparing for adulthood. And also, as parents, we, of course, want them to be prepared for adulthood, and to have the skills, and the foundation they need to be independent, and to live outside our homes. And I’m seeing firsthand and definitely understand how difficult that is because at the end of the day, like, I still think of my oldest as my baby even though he’s almost as tall as I am. But realizing they do need to learn to have that autonomy and to feel control over and an ability to make their own decisions. In our house, we turn this thing on its head. So most people have heard the saying, “With great power comes great responsibility.” And we tell our kids, it actually works the other way. “With great responsibility comes great power.” When you show us that you’re responsible, we want to give you freedom, and we want to give you the power to make decisions. And so we have constant conversations around that. But just because it’s so top of mind, for me, right now, I’m curious, are there any, like, guidelines or ideas that you have for navigating with teenagers when certain levels of autonomy are appropriate or is it very much case by case based on the maturity level of the child and the relationship with the parent or how do you handle that?

Amy: First off, I just love what you just said, “With great responsibility comes great power.” That’s amazing. The other thing that I just want our listeners to remember is that this issue about needing more autonomy and control is absolutely an issue with teenagers. But it is the exact same thing with your two-years-old, three-years-old, six-years-old It doesn’t matter. Every kid at every stage has a need for autonomy and control. So I just don’t want people to think that we need to wait until the teen years to be thinking about this. But let’s talk specifically about what you asked when we want kids to be prepared to be successful in the adult world. And so we have to do our job to train them. So part of that is on an ongoing basis, always training them on tasks that they’ll need to do in the adult world, whether that’s managing their money, or changing air filters in the house, or car maintenance, or gardening, or whatever those things are, we always wanna be training them on adult tasks, so that when they leave the house, they’ll be prepared. But in terms of taking on more responsibility, one of the tools that I just love is called Convince Me. And this tool would apply when your kids wanna do something. Maybe they want to…you know, it’s a middle school or who wants to go to the mall on their own with friends, or somebody wants to go to a concert in the next town, or start driving, or whatever it happens to be, it is something that your kids wanna do that you’re a little bit, like, “I’m just not totally sure I’m ready for that.”

So you will use the tool to Convince Me. And so the way that works is you would share your concerns. So you would say, “You know, I understand that this is really important to you. Let me share my concerns about you going to the concert, or going to the mall, or riding your bike to school,” whatever that happens to be. These are my concerns. “So why don’t you take some time and think about this, and come back to me with your plan to address my concerns?” And so that’s what the kid does. They take some time, and then they come back, and they try to convince you if you will, but they do it in a way that takes all of your concerns into consideration, and then they share the plan that they’ve come up with. And so then, if you are comfortable with the plan that they’ve put forth, you can say, “Okay, I feel comfortable with that. It seems to me that you’ve thought through all of the possible things that could go wrong, you have a backup plan in place. That sounds great, let’s go ahead and, you know, do whatever you’ve asked to do.” And then you see how that goes. If they do well, then that makes you think, “Wow, yes, you know, he did a really good job by taking on this additional responsibility. And now I feel comfortable giving him more responsibility in the future.” Or if not, if it didn’t go so well, well, then that tells you, you’ve got more training to do.

We have more work to do in terms of responsibility. But the reason that I love this is because it requires the child to understand your point of view. So we’re fostering that empathy. And then they have to use their reasoning, and decision-making, and planning skills to come up with something to convince you that would address all of your concerns, but still, let them get the outcome that they want. And so it’s just a great strategy for adult life, right? We’ll be doing the same thing in our jobs or in group projects in college, or whatever, and you can start doing this really, as young as six or seven. Obviously, the problems and the issues will be different. But you can use these strategies, you know, all the way through into the teen years. And it’s great for kids and it’s great for parents.

Katie: That’s so great. I’m writing that one down to remember for sure because, you’re right, it puts the control actually in their hands. They’re getting to have a chance. And it removes all those things I used to say as teenagers, like, “You don’t understand or you don’t listen to me,” or whatever it is because you are listening as well, like you said, and then you’re having them pull from skills that will serve them their entire lives to develop, and potentially be able to get the outcome they want if they are able to do that effectively, which I love. I think there’s also crossover here when it comes to schoolwork or homework and how to navigate that. I’ve personally always taken the approach that even though I homeschool teach them, I’ll teach the concept but I’m not going to handhold, and babysit, and go through every problem with them. That’s school, that’s actually their work and I want them to learn how to kind of autonomously work through it themselves. And I feel like we have a good rhythm on this because we’ve been home homeschooling for so long, but I hear from a lot of parents who say things like, “It’s just getting to be so much. I have five hours of homework with my kid every single night after school where I spend, you know, three hours trying to get my first grader to do worksheets.” And any advice for parents who are trying to navigate that.

Amy: Yeah, so that can be a real challenge and I totally feel for parents, especially if you have multiple kids, but there are some simple sorts of things that you can put in place to avoid that. First as with all things, you will be successful with homework and schoolwork if you have filled their attention bucket first. So yeah, if your kids are coming home after school, take that time to connect emotionally first before you start being the taskmaster and start with, “Okay, we have to get the homework done and what are your assignments,” and all of that, start with connection first. It makes everything else go more smoothly. The next thing is, have some homework policies in place. So one of your policies can be, “I am happy to help you with anything that you need in your homework, as long as you’ve done as much as you can on your own. And then you can come to me and let me know what you still need help with. Now, when you come to me and let me know where you’re having trouble, I wanna know your thought process for trying to figure this out.” So basically, Katie, I don’t want them coming and saying, “I just can’t do this. This is too hard.” I wanna know, “Okay, on number seven, I see this problem, tell me your thought process for going through it and where did you struggle?” That way, I know they’ve put some time into it. And they’re not just playing the helpless card. The other thing is, have homework help hours. So that means I’m willing to help you with your homework from 5:30 to 8:30. After that, I’m too tired, you know, that’s not gonna work for me. So have homework help hours, like your office hours, if you will.

That gets you out of the situation where they’re coming at, you know, 9:30 at night, “I can’t do this. And it’s due tomorrow.” And so really put your homework help policies in place. Again, I tell parents, “You’ve already done the fifth grade. Your job is not to sit there and you know, side by side with your child, while they complete their homework and you being involved in it.” As you said, you want them to be doing that autonomously. You’re certainly there to support but it’s not your job. I would also have a talk with the teacher and let the teacher know that you are working on training for responsibility in your home. And so you will be there to support your child in doing their homework if they need help, but you’re not gonna cook some prod and that sort of thing. And so that then allows the natural consequences to play out. So if the kid doesn’t get the homework done, then that’s a discussion they’re having with the teacher and you can stay out of it. I think, Katie, where we run into trouble is, parents feel like, “I’m gonna look like a terrible parent if my kid doesn’t get their homework done.” Let the kid experience the natural consequences at school, that’s gonna be much more effective and it’s gonna keep you out of the role of the bad guy. Obviously, if there is a learning difference or an attention difference are other interventions that are required, you can, you know, work with the teacher and the clinicians, and whoever is on your team to do that. But they should be autonomously doing their homework, just as you suggested.

Katie: Yeah, I’m a big fan of natural consequences as well. And I’ve never heard it framed as well as you did with when and then, which I think is that just the language of that is wonderful because it avoids the power struggle and it lets them easily understand it in literally two words, that this happens when you’ve done this. But you’re right, I think that there’s been a shift at least it seems like. Obviously, I’ve only parented this current generation, but it seems like there’s a shift even since I was a kid of trying to protect kids from natural consequences. We’re not wanting them to have to feel the discomfort of not getting a good grade at school or facing something that’s difficult. And it’s funny because I don’t think my parents had those same fears. I always knew I had to get my schoolwork done. And if I messed up at school, I was gonna get in trouble at school. They certainly weren’t gonna save me. And then I was gonna get in trouble when I got home too. But there does seem to be at least a little bit more protecting kids from natural consequences. What other ways can we gently and lovingly incorporate those natural consequences? Because I feel like as adults, that’s something we all deal with very much every single day, if we don’t do our jobs, if we don’t take care of our houses, if we don’t do any of the things that adults have to do. There are very, very real natural consequences. So how can we let our kids start learning that from the earliest of ages?

Amy: Yes, absolutely. In fact, Katie, you’re doing our course right now so you’ll be getting to this in step 3, where we talk about creating a consequential environment. If we don’t create a consequential environment at home, our kids are really gonna struggle when they’re out on their own and have to face consequences for the first time. So, you know, from the younger years, all the way up through the teens, we have to create that consequential environment. And some of those come from, like, natural consequences. Well, if you refuse to take your coat to school, you may be cold outside at recess. It’s the middle of winter, that’s just a natural consequence. But then there’s also consequences around personal responsibility. So you mentioned homework is one of them, that if you don’t get your homework done, then you’re gonna have to face the consequences with your teacher. One of the things that we talk about is implementing a no rescue policy. And a no rescue policy is for areas in which we’ve been through this a million times, whether it’s remembering your lunchbox and remembering the homework, or your sports equipment, or whatever it is, we’ve talked about this, we’ve trained on it, I’ve already rescued you, probably more times than I should have. But now I know that it’s time to implement the no rescue policy. And so that starts with training. And we always kind of position it in a very positive way because marketing is everything. “You know, you are really growing up and you’re becoming so responsible in so many ways. And so now this is an area where you can take responsibility.” So let’s say it’s the sports equipment. “So from now on, you’re gonna be responsible for packing your sports bag and remembering to take it, making sure you have your uniform, and your cleats, and all the equipment.

I’m not gonna get involved in that anymore. I’m not gonna remind you, that is gonna be your responsibility. And if you choose not to take that responsibility, if you don’t have your stuff ready, if you forget your stuff, I’m not gonna be driving it to the field.” So what that means, Katie, is, you know, I’ve taken time for training… Oh, and also part of this has to do with systems. So I would say since I’m not gonna be reminding you about this anymore, what systems do you need to put in place so you can remember what you need to do for soccer or for your homework or whatever it happens to be? So we’ve done the training, we’ve put the systems in place, we’ve sort of set the expectation that we’re not gonna rescue, now we have to let it play out and let the child experience the consequence. Again, bring the coach or the teacher into the loop, if that makes you feel better, so they know you’re not a slacker parent, but in fact, you’re teaching responsibility. And if he shows up without his equipment, you know, you encourage the coach to implement the consequences that he has in place. So it’s implementing that no rescue policy. It’s not for a once in a blue moon mistake, we all make those and as a family, we have each other’s back. We help each other out. But for ongoing consistent issues that we have talked about, then we know it’s time for the no rescue policy. So that’s one example and many examples of how to create a decision rich environment for your kids that are going to set them up to be accountable, responsible for their own choices and to be successful functioning in a teen and in an adult world.

Katie: Got it. And I also wanna hear the explanation because you use the word family contributions, which I love because I think chores has a negative connotation. And adults don’t do chores, we just contribute to the family as well. But I’d love to hear, like, how you first of all came up with that term and how you use that because I think it’s such a great alternative.

Amy: Yeah, it’s so funny you asked how I came up with that term, and I actually don’t have any idea. I don’t remember how I came up with it. But you’re right, the word chores just denotes drudgery. Nobody wants to do chores. That sounds awful. And when you call those things family contributions, it doesn’t make the task any more enjoyable. Nobody enjoys folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher. But it does reinforce to your kids that when you do those things, it makes a difference for our family. And again, part of that power bucket that I talked about is a feeling of significance. We all have a hard-wired need to make a difference, to be significant, to contribute to the greater good. And so for a child or a teenager, the greater good is their family. And so when they are doing those things, they are contributing. So I highly recommend that parents change the language on that. I will tell you, Katie, to this day, my kids still roll their eyes a little bit when I say family contributions. But that doesn’t stop me one bit, I still call them that because when they contribute, it makes a difference. And the other piece of that is that we need to remind our kids what a difference their efforts make. And this applies to your partner too. Even though it’s their regular job, let them know, “When you do that, that makes such a difference for me. That makes our home runs so much more smoothly. That’s a big job that I don’t have to do.” We have to remember on an ongoing basis to let our people know how much we appreciate their contributions because that makes them feel better about it. When they know that their efforts are making a difference for you, they’re gonna be more likely to want to do it in the future.

Katie: That makes sense. Yeah. And it’s a great reminder. A lot of these things, just even our language, and our reframing, and making time for one-on-one connection, those are all such important things with our partner too, not just with our kids. Yeah, I think those are such helpful things.

I’d also love to hear because I know you’ve worked with probably now thousands of families. For people listening who are wondering like, “This all sounds great, and it makes sense. But does it actually work? And do you really see a big difference? And how long does it take?” So can you talk about kind of what is the typical path that someone’s family will see when they start implementing these things, but maybe tell us a couple of stories of families that have used these strategies and how that changed their lives?

Amy: Oh, my goodness, I could go on forever. But so there are some changes that you see immediately and some that take a little bit longer. So I’ll give you a couple of examples. The mind, body, and soul time that I mentioned, that tool about one-on-one time every single day, you will see a difference in your kid’s behavior in one or two days, promise. Like as I said, if there’s such thing as a magic bullet, that is it because it is getting to their core emotional needs. So that change you see right away. Now in the work that I do with parents, I like to make it really easy for them. So I teach it kind of in a step-by-step pattern. So you implement one tool, and then you build on it with the next and the next. And with each tool that you implement, you are getting better and better results. And that makes sense because all of the tools focus on giving kids the positive power that they have to have. But then also, the other tools are intended to sort of diffuse those power struggles, but in a way that’s more positive than we’ve done before. So the more you use the tools, in general, the behavior gets better and better. So with the mind, body, and soul time, you’ll see that right away. Now with sibling rivalry and fighting, that takes a little bit longer to implement and to see the results. You’ll see some initial results right away, but it won’t solve every single thing in the first week, of course. And the reason for that is so for you, you have a 13-year-old, your oldest is 13, Katie, what’s the age of your next child?

Katie: Eleven, almost 12.

Amy: Okay. So between those two kids, there’s 11 years of baggage or competition, rumblings, that have sort of been baked into the relationship. And so that’s an example that takes just a little bit longer to resolve because we have to teach kids the conflict resolution strategies and we kind of have to work at some of that victim competition that naturally happens because, right, the day that you bring that second baby home from the hospital, there’s some competition that is just baked in. That’s just the way it works. So those types of behaviors may take a little bit longer to turn around. But in terms of transformation, I would encourage your listeners to go and read our Google reviews, our five star Google reviews, the transformation is just amazing. And it’s parents who felt like they were failing at their most important job, they feel like they’re not even cut out for parenthood, they feel like they’re not meeting their kid’s needs like every day. It just is a cycle of frustration and guilt. And they just feel extremely discouraged. And then they start implementing the tools and things start to turn around. So we have so many success stories, whether it’s on, you know, getting your kids to sleep through the night, whether it’s the sibling thing that I talked about, whether it’s just the emotional connection with your kids, reducing the power struggles.

There are so many transformations. But, you know, as a mom of now I have young adults, like, I will tell you, that time just goes so quickly. And you wanna look back on it and think, “Yes, like, I really enjoyed that time with my kids.” You want your kids to look back on their growing up years and think, “Yes, I had a great relationship with my parents. Things weren’t always perfect, but when things came up, we dealt with in a way that was positive, and it was solution-focused, and we want them to have those good memories. So the transformation can absolutely come. The thing that I always tell parents, Katie, is that parenting is not intuitive. Like, just because you’re smart, and loving, and nurturing, and you’re a good person, that doesn’t mean that you have the tools to deal with temper tantrums in Target or, you know, the meltdowns, or the defiance, or the sassiness, or the homework hassles. Like, we don’t have that stuff intuitively. But the good news is, it’s things that you can learn, really simple strategies that parents can pick up and just make such a difference in their day in day out life with their kids.

Katie: Yeah, exactly. And so far, I’m really enjoying the course. And I know you have a couple of books as well, I’ll make sure those are all linked in the show notes. So for all of you guys listening, you can head over to wellnessmama.fm and find the show notes there. But just talk a little bit about the system you have in your course, in the books and what you recommend for parents. Like, where should they jump in?

Amy: Yeah, so our system is called the 7-Step Parenting Success System. And again, it’s kind of a very linear approach because that’s the way my brain thinks. But it teaches parents all of those tools that they need to bring out the very best in their kid’s behavior, but also to bring out the best in the parent’s behavior so they can get out of the nagging, and reminding, and yelling cycle that they have been in. So in the 7 steps, parents learn the tools in the toolbox. But then there’s also the more intensive advanced modules. So if you have a bedtime problem, if you have a mealtime problem, if you have a child, you’re struggling with schoolwork and homework for a child with ADHD, so there are all these very specific advanced modules to tackle specific problems. So parents can just progress through that and learn all of those tools and have the advanced modules. If they want to sort of test drive what that system is all about, they can take a free class that we have, it’s called “Get kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling.” I can give you that link too. I also have two books, “If I Have to Tell You One More Time,” and then the other one is called “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic,” which is all about unentitling our kids. So lots different places that parents can get information. I’d say definitely start with a free class because that way they can sort of dip their toe in and see if they like what I teach, and they can put those tools, you know, into place right away with their own families and see what kind of results they get.

Katie: I love it. So again, all those will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm so you guys can find them. This was such a fun episode. Our time flew by. And another question I selfishly love to ask at the end because I’m a very avid reader is other than your own if there’s a book or a number of books that have really changed your life, and if so what they are and why?

Amy: Oh, this is such a hard question. I’m sure everybody tells you that. But there are a couple of books that I love. So this first one has been around for a while, you may be familiar with it. It’s called “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Dr. Carol Dweck. And it is a great read. It’s an easy read, but it’s all about her groundbreaking research on a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset. And that applies to everyone, whether it’s, you know, sports, academics, your work life, but so important for your parenting. And there are things that we parents do that sort of undermine a growth mindset for our kids, particularly as it relates to praise. And so her book is really a mindset shift for a lot of parents. I’ve also incorporated a lot of her concepts into what I teach. So that’s a great one. Another one that I love, and again, this is from forever ago, but it is still a classic. It’s called “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. And again, super easy reads, like lots of cartoons. But it’s ways to phrase things to kids so that it’s accepted with an open heart, doesn’t invite a power struggle but allows you to get things done. So, again, as I said, it’s a classic book, but it is one of my favorites and one that I always recommend to parents.

Katie: I love both of those suggestions. And like I said, this has been such a fun interview. I think it’s gonna help a lot of families. And I’m going through your course right now so I’ll make sure that link is in the show note as well. But thanks for the time and for all the research. It’s just been fun.

Amy: Well, thank you. I really appreciate the time to chat with you and thanks for all the important work that you’re doing out there for your community.

Katie: And thanks as always to all of you for joining us today and sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time with us. We’re very grateful that you did. And I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the “Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/positive-parenting-solutions/

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chemochronicles · 6 years

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Health / Hospital / Symptom Update | 1.13.18.

Hey friends, I really appreciate your prayers. Life is really hard and it hasn’t been getting any easier, but God is redeeming all the broken and using you to do it in Caleb and I’s lives. We’re surviving and trusting in God’s promises and in each other’s promises. We have joy sometimes and sorrow sometimes and all the real life emotions in between. I don’t want to let myself waste an opportunity to magnify God’s goodness… but let’s be real, both of our hearts and bodies are understandably and reasonably tired.

I’ve had a lot of friends shoot me texts this week checking in, I’m so grateful for our church and our PEOPLE. ❤️ But I’ve been too fatigued to respond, to leave the house aside from pushing through to daily doctors appointments, and to do much of anything. So… perks of this blog to update everyone at once! I hate that it’s impersonal though. Sorry guys 😉❤️

The last month (or 6 months… or 3 years..) have felt… something akin to skydiving. As Chronic Graft vs Host had been progressing over the summer and fall, I was waiting months and months to get referrals to new GVHD specialists through UCLA’s scheduling system, and their specialists are all over LA, hard to get to, hard to get scheduled and hard to maintain the schedules of so many busy doctors who are far apart from each other. I LOVE all my main doctors through UCLA, and plan on seeing them for cancer check ups, but my first month at city of hope has all around been so much better of an experience.

There’s hardly any traffic getting there (as opposed to the parking lot of the 405/101), parking is 12$ per day at UCLA which adds up when you’re going a few times a week, and I usually had to wait 6-7 hours in the oncology clinic at UCLA between blood draws and actually seeing the doctors. It’s all I knew so I never questioned it aside from the occasional eye roll. But with city of hope, it’s a straight shot with minimal traffic off the 210, only an hour-ish away. To see my oncologist there, they have been getting me in within 20 minutes each time, parking is free and they have their own Graft vs Host Disease CLINIC. And the campus has 3 gardens that are so pretty! I love that I have the option to go and read with the coy fish in the Japanese garden if I have a long day there. And there’s HOPE in the name. These people understand the healing process, and that is invaluable for sick people!

Since being at city of hope for just a few short weeks, it’s been overwhelming. Bittersweet. Thankful to see who I need to see. Thankful to get the treatments I need. Thankful for… some hope. On the one hand, I’m discouraged. This is overwhelming and a lot to maintain for a disorganized, fatigued and busy girl like me! But on the other hand, I’m so thankful… I’m seeing a lot of great people who compassionately understand me!

So in the last two weeks I’ve gotten in to see:

- GVHD oncologist - My main doctor, he helps maintain the entire picture of GVHD effecting the whole body and refers me to all the other GVHD specialists.

- GVHD eye specialist - he’ll be putting plugs in my tear ducts & getting me pros lenses to help with dry eyes

- GVHD wound care specialist - help with chronic non healing ulcers popping up all over the body

- GVHD physical therapist - helps with the progressing limited mobility from scleroderma hardening, tightening and cracking the skin from my neck to my toes, and also tightening the connective tissue of the joints and some unknown organs so far.

- GVHD oral specialist - helps with chronic non healing mouth & throat ulcers, & preventing gum & teeth decay from dry mouth

- Photopheresis / ECP blood treatments 2x a week, back to back days

And as soon as they schedule me this week, I’m going to start seeing:

- GVHD speech pathologist - who will help me regain muscle control over my tongue and speech again, it’s been progressively harder to talk at times. Another tangible reminder of my precious James 1!

- GVHD GI specialist - endoscopy, routine throat dilating & gvhd GI maintenance

- GVHD lung specialist - to check on progress of GVHD lung involvement

- GVHD gyn - to check on premature ovarian failure that max capacity total body radiation caused before the stem cell transplant. BHRT has been really helping with all the menopausal symptoms though, thanks to my favorite holistic md ob/gyn in westlake! Couldn’t recommend her enough!

- GVHD endocrinologist - to check on my secondary adrenal failure from steroids for GVHD

- GVHD dermatologist - to help with skin & the residual alopecia (hair loss)

- Possibly a GVHD neurologist… to help with my broken brain! ;) (Which by the way, I’m so looking forward to Dr. Mercola’s new Broken Brain documentary coming out, by the way! If you’re interested in preventing and possibly reversing any brain diseases like Alzheimer’s, dementia, anxiety, depression, attention disorders, chemo brain or plain old foggy brain - it’ll be a helpful resource!)

- That, along with seeing a naturopath, many well researched natural protocols for each organ/secondary condition, and my favorite acupuncturist when I have time. Well, they help a lot with the symptoms and making my quality of life…. a little more livable!

The symptoms have all been getting worst… adrenal faliure has put my energy at a 1/10 most days lately (which is a bummer, I had made so much progress naturally for a while until some necessary medication changes! But I’m keeping at it!) , scleroderma hardening/tightening skin pain is usually around a 7/10, 9/10 on the cracked scleroderma lines that are showing up on some sensitive areas of my legs - which can make me walk a little funny at times. Thankfully I’ve found some great natural over the counter anti inflammatory pain relief options, which help manage all the pain and inflammation quite a bit.

Photopheresis / “ECP” is the same treatment UCLA was going to start, so I feel that I’m doing what’s comprehensively best… I had an external hickman central line placed at COH a few weeks ago. Each treatment pulls out 1.5 liters of blood, filters out the lymphocytes and treats the lymphocytes using a special medication, combined with UVA light therapy, then they put it back in my body… The hope is that these treatments long term would eventually filter out all the blood in my body… and in turn help manage GVHD.

I have been gently warned though from one of my caring specialists, that these blood treatments show great temporary effects for most people after 3 months of treatment, but after a long time some of the patients have stopped responding and regressed… So, I’m thankful to be mentally prepared and have the right expectations. But I also feel afraid of what’s coming… We’re constantly choosing to make this another opportunity to open the palms of our hands and trust God intimately… Please pray that I’d respond well to this treatment long term, and that Caleb and I would find our joy and fulfillment and peace in the only lasting source: Jesus.

This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50

So, the actual treatments have been good. They make me feel fatigued like we all expected, so I usually sleep through them. I don’t feel any difference yet, but I dont expect to feel any start of relief until month 1, and there are some things that don’t heal until about a year of treatments. I’m also waiting on insurance authorization to start a GVHD IL-2 clinical trial.

Thank you for caring and praying for both of us… Caleb needs it just as much as I do, he’s going on overdrive constantly and doing such a good job. He’s helping me see this differently each day, helping point me back to Christ and helping our lives feel full even though physically we are so far from it. Please pray for lasting hope and peace and joy in Christ and also for physical healing. Please pray that I wouldn’t be selfish and that I’d take every opportunity to boldly, humbly, and lovingly share my hope in Jesus.

xoxo

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:21-26

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typhonheroes · 7 years

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Journal de Witte

It was Daniel’s idea, through and through. To keep a journal. It felt like a necessity, like if he didn’t do it then no one else would, and frankly no one else would. He wasn’t an important person, not a king or a prince, not even a noble. He couldn’t consider himself a war hero in the slightest, a brave man perhaps but not one who all the world deserved to know about. He was, frankly, just a man, and that made him none too important. So if he wanted anyone to keep track of his life, then he’d need to be the one to do it. That’s why after signing on with Kazu for this little adventure, he’d gone to the local merchant and purchased a leather bound book, pages blank and fresh for the picking. He’d also gone and nabbed an ink well and a feather, for the sake of keeping things consistent.

Then, the night before they were due to leave town and head off on some adventure, Daniel wrote his very first entry.

Year 1140, Month 4, Day 23 Expedition date 0, entry 1

Today is the day of my first journal entry, and perhaps the day of a new way of living. I will be frank. I’d never considered keeping a journal before. When I was younger and life was fast, the prospect of sitting down every night and writing down my thoughts seemed frivolous. Things were too exciting to stop for such pointless tasks, and at a time when I hardly knew how to read it seemed even more foolish to waste my time with a task so frustrating as writing was. The struggle that I endured to learn to read and write in common was eventually all worth it, as being able to sign my own name seemed to big the biggest reward one could have ever given me, aside from the blessing of a hand. Still, even as I grew older I had never thought of keeping a journal. At least not until Akkadia fell. When I saw the hall burn with my own eyes I knew... I knew it was over. The dream was dead. I needed to move on.

This seems like the best way to move on.

I met a boy named Kazu the other day. He’s a sage apparently, serves some goddess name Venna. He’s nice enough, if a bit naive. He already almost got played by a couple of thugs. I stepped in though, because it seems that old habits die hard and I still like playing the hero. Anyway, he offered to pay me to watch his back. It’s easy money, I can’t imagine we’ll get into too much trouble. So that’s where I’m going next. I’m going to be with him, keeping a little log in this journal of mine. Who knows, maybe if I die something else’ll find it and put it to good use. Maybe it’ll serve as an omen, who knows. Whatever happens with it, whatever they do with it, I just hope it does some good.

Year 1140, Month 4, Day 25 Expedition date 1, entry 2

Today we left, Kazu and I. We have spent the last few moons preparing ourselves, buying the necessary supplies and such. We’ve found ourselves with a tent big enough to fit the both of us, a fair amount of rations to manage us for a week or two of hard travel, and a few other necessities that I deemed important (namely a whetstone, a bag of bait, some rope, and a couple other things). This morning I finally checked Indigo out of the stables. He’s been my trusty steed all throughout the years, from when I was a vigilant to now, so it seems fitting that we continue on for as long as my old stallion can bare me. When his time comes I’ll respectfully put him to rest, but until then we are in this all together.

I was a bit worried that Kazu would be intimidated by Indigo. He is a big horse after all, bigger than most. His size and stature has always been a necessity in my line of work. But the sage is already small, a fair bit smaller than me, so I was worried that he’d be overwhelmed. He wasn’t, though. In fact he immediately seemed to adore Indigo. He loves animals it seems, they do treat him far better than people ever have from the looks of it.

Before the sun was high we had packed our things and rode out of the city on Indigo. I was more than happy to leave. That damned place had only been my home begrudgingly. Had it not been for my imprisonment and potential execution then I would have never been there, and yet if it wasn’t for the mages then I would have died just across the border in the homeland of Lotherian scum. I will say that I was at least lucky to have been in that tavern the night I met Kazu. I would have easily died otherwise. Still, Anduvar has never treated me well, and I never intend to stay long enough to give that place a second chance.

So we left. It was as simple as that. The first day’s travel brought hardly anything interesting. We’re still too close to the main roads to hit much action. Even the beasts known better than to wander near the home of the mages, as it only takes one good mage to wipe out a whole army, so what can a monster do? Nothing, and the beasts have realized that well enough.

Kazu is very talkative. At first he had come off as nothing more than timid and too curious for his own good (of which he is still very much both of those things), but I’ve started to realize that all this naivety seems to just stem from a life of seclusion. Although I don’t know too much, I know that sages spend much of their early lives as hermits, locked away in temples, forever worshiping and studying as if their life depends on it. It’s easily a life of devotion, as a servant of Adar one could say I did similarly, although it seems that Venna likes to keep her servants locked away while Adar prefers to have his risk their lives for the betterment of humanity. Not that I’m trying to be all high-ho about it, if Kazu has come out to help the world then Venna must have had some good in mind.

We’ve set up for the night. Things are quiet. It looks like a slow start to the adventure. As much as I’d hate to say it, it’s for the best. I don’t think Kazu could survive long otherwise.

Year 1140, Month 5, Day 2 Expedition date 8, entry 3

It has been about a week since we left the city. Anduvar seems to fade the farther into the wilderness you travel. In fact, most human qualms seem to disappear as nature takes over. You forget about the war, the chaos, the bullshit. Politics don’t mean anything out here. You can’t lie your way past an owlbear out here. It’ll eat you alive before you can spew anymore bullshit.

That doesn’t mean that the humans aren’t a problem anymore though, not entirely. There’s a war going on in the background, you have to remember. Every so often you’ll see signs of it too. An abandoned shield. A forgotten sword. Sometimes you’ll find a bloody tunic, in worse times you’ll find a body. Shallow mass graves seem to be a hot topic. Kazu can hardly stand to look at them. He wants to help everyone, but it hasn’t crossed him yet that you can’t help everyone. Not in a war.

We came across a kid today. Poor guy. He couldn’t be any older than nineteen, maybe twenty. He was shocked out of his wits. Covered in all sorts of blood, we had stopped to assess him, more-so at Kazu’s request than my own. He wouldn’t talk to us much, just said he’d killed someone. Then Kazu walked off to go grab something from Indigo and the boy finally told me. He looked me dead in the eyes and said he’d beheaded his best friend. I asked him why, he said they fought on opposite sides of the war. Poor kid was Lotherian through and through, so when things kicked off the Mageocracy had all the rugged nordic kids sent back home. This poor sap was unlucky enough to get recruited into the war and then what happens next? He meets his childhood buddy from back when they both lived under the same flag. Poor kid’s friend’s a POW. The kid tells me next that his general ordered all the prisoners to be executed. He thought it was a bit excessive but the generals don’t give a damn. “Mage scum is mage scum” they say. So the kid had to kill his best friend, right then and there. He went through with it, because insubordination meant death. But right after the kid deserted. Threw down his colors and ran. Couldn’t take it anymore apparently. Now he’s wandering around, trying to find a way out. But he couldn’t admit that in front of a priest, not in front of Kazu, so the second Kazu comes back the kid shuts up again. Won’t mention a word of it.

We gave him some rations, some directions, and a saying of good luck. I don’t know if we’ll ever see him again. I hope he finds a way out.

Year 1140, Month 5, Day 10 Expedition date 16, entry 4

More human problems. It seems that this war attracts the worst of people. What this time? A bunch of deserters trying to hold up a bridge. Kazu and I come up on Indigo, minding our own business, but from a mile away I could tell something shady was going on. There were about five men all clad in Lotherian garb, helmets and all, but there was no military outpost nearby. No camps, no generals. I could tell already that they were either bandits who’d gone and looted the dead or some Lotherian soldiers who decided war was too much for them and instead chose to take advantage of the weak and vulnerable. Real men, huh. It’s just what you’d expect of Lotherians.

We come up to the bridge and the leader of this little gang decides to step up to me. He yells “halt” like he’s got authority and starts demanding money, saying it’s for a guaranteed safe passage as the area is apparently under the control of the Lotherians.

I know damn well that’s not true, but I don’t want to burst his bubble just yet, so I let him babble on for a while. I can tell Kazu’s curious, poking his head over to see what’s going on, but I can also tell that he notices something fishy’s going on, because his hand on my shoulder tightens a bit when he sees the men. The leader talks for a while and then puts his hand out like he’s expecting me to just hand over all our money. Unfortunately for him I’m not about to fall into his scheme, so instead I pull my horse to the side and get down, telling Kazu to stay put.

I walk over to these guys and decide to be frank. I say, “I know you’re bullshitting, so just let us through and I won’t cause any problems.” But the leader doesn’t want to hear it, he thinks he can pull this off if he just keeps yelling at me, so he does. He starts demanding some respect because apparently he’s big in the army, real big. It was only my dignity that kept me from spitting in his face. I tell him again, “We’re going to go on through and if you try to stop us I will not hesitate to kill you.” He doesn’t take that very kindly, draws his sword on me, his goons do the same thing, so there’s five armed men surrounding me. I glance over at Kazu and he looks as nervous as all nine hells but I’ve already told him a dozen times before that if I get killed then he just needs to take Indigo and go, and I can see that his hand’s are on the reigns, so I know he’s got that in mind even if he doesn’t want to leave me alone to die.

The leader tells me one more time to pay up, as if it’s going to make a difference, and I just look him in the eyes and tell him “You’ll have to kill me first.” And that’s the last straw, the guy swings dead for my head and I duck. The rest is much of a blur but by the end of it I’ve got a long slash down my shoulder, and five dead men in front of me.

I turn around expecting to see Indigo gone, somewhere far away and safe with Kazu, but no, the stupid kid decided to stick around and watch the whole thing. The second the last man is dead on the end of my sword Kazu’s off the horse and scrambling over to me, tending to me like a sick kitten. I ward him off, tell him I’m fine, that the wound is superficial and that there’s nothing to worry about, but that doesn’t stop him. He sits me down, makes me take off my armor, and then deals with my wound. He mends it with that magic of his and wraps it as an extra precaution. It seems so over the top and ridiculous but damn it can you hate a guy for caring? It seems like there aren’t enough people like him nowadays.

After that we get back on the horse and ride on, pretending that I didn’t just kill five men. We settle for the night a bit off the main road. Patrols are too much of an issue to just ignore. The last thing we want to do is draw attention to ourselves, especially after today.

Kazu’s been babying me all night. I’m trying my best not to snap at him but it’s getting hard. Kid doesn’t know when to quit.

Year 1140, Month 5, Day 21 Expedition date 27, entry 5

It’s been a while since I’ve killed anything. Probably for the best. We’ve been traveling around a lot. Kazu loves it all. Nature, he’s just totally enthralled by nature. You’d think he’s never seen a flower in his life before, maybe he hasn’t, I don’t know. But he loves everything. We’ll be riding through and pass a deer, and he’ll say “hi” to the deer as if the deer understands what he’s saying. It’s kind of cute all things considered, kind of weird too, though. I guess that’s what happens when you’re raised different than everyone else.

We came across a shrine today. It’d been desecrated by someone, who knows, soldiers probably. It was a shrine to the goddess Lenina, the goddess of nature. Usually her shrine’s are put up to ward off evils in the woods. But this one was knocked over, chipped at the ends, and covered in moss.

Kazu didn’t really seem to know who it was. I guess Venna doesn’t teach her servants about other gods. I know enough though to recognize Lenina’s figure, with her iconic harp, so we pull over to fix the shrine. I’ve had plenty of experience with shrines to know it’s bad business to leave them knocked on their side like that. It’s the first step to bad luck, and I’m not risking it. But while I’m lifting up this wooden shrine all on my own, wiping off the extra growths and patching it up a bit, I’m telling Kazu all about Lenina, because when he wants to know something he gets all doe-eyed about it and will ask you about it constantly until you start talking. He might’ve been a good interrogator once upon a time.

There’s not much of a tale to tell though, not much more than a name and a purpose. Lenina. Goddess of nature, protector of all that is kind and sweet in her domain, the domain of uncivilized land. It’s said that praying to her will reward you in the future, should you find yourself cornered by beasts. It’s said that a man who helps Lenina might find the wolves at his doorstep suddenly pacified, the claws against his throat suddenly removed. It’s believed that pleasing Lenina will bring you safer passage through the thicket of her domain, and so it diesn’t seem like a bad idea to give her a hand.

Kazu is ever interested of course, and ever adamant that I fix the shrine ASAP. But by then I’ve already propped the statue of Lenina back up on her pedestal. I’ve laid flowers at her feet and even upturned a nearly burnt-out candle, lighting it once more in respect. I ask Lenina a prayer, for safe travel, and Kazu does the same. Then we’re back on Indigo and we’re off. Kazu spent much of the rest of the day asking me about Lenina again, as if she was ever an important goddess. As if there was more of her story to tell. There was bound to be of course, but it’s a story I do not know. You wish to know of Adar? You wish to know of his struggles, his bouts of anger and defeat, his humanity? I can tell you of that. But Lenina? I’m not nearly in versed in the goddess of nature.

We have had safe travels. I can only presume that Lenina bid us well.

Year 1140, Month 6, Day 16 Expedition date 52, Entry 6

I must say that I’m surprised we have gotten this far. I never expected Kazu to survive two months, but he has, and admittedly I am grateful. Although at first I found it hard to bare his talkative nature, eventually I learned to appreciate it. It has been awfully long since I met someone so nice to be around. Of course, by now we’ve gotten to known each other a bit better. One of the more surprising revelations that I’ve had is that Kazu is actually older than me.

Just by looking at the two of us it would be hard to say. I’ve mustered the rugged years of a man who has seen the best and the worst of humanity, while Kazu seems to have lived the life in seemingly unbearable solitude. Based on appearance alone most would figure I was older, mostly because Kazu was awfully baby-faced and awfully naive for his age. But when the numbers come down to it Kazu is actually a few years my elder, which means I can’t quite call him a “kid” or a “boy” anymore.

There’s more than just that though. I’ve also learned that he has had just as much of an uneventful life as I expected. He’s learned much yes, but primarily of his own goddess, Venna. His life was indefinitely in a place of solitude at a monastery not far off from where we met, and although he had the company of other priests and sages there was not much more than that. In fact you’d think I was the first man he’d ever met, all things considered.

But of course once the questions about Kazu’s life passed on the questions of my own came along. I’m not ready to tell him everything, not yet. But I suppose that, fifty-two days later, I might as well tell him something. So I told him about the Vigilants of Adar, about the hall of Akkadia and about the rise and fall of my clan. I did not get into the nastiest details, skimmed over the fact that I was turned in because I am a runaway slave, and really just summed up the end as “things went poorly, the hall was burned down by Lotherians, and now I’m here.” Kazu, obviously, had more questions, but I refuse to sate his hunt for knowledge much further. He will just have to wait for his answer.

Year 1140, Month 6, Day 20 Expedition date 56, Entry 7

We came across a battlefield today. Lotherian and Anduvarian soldiers scattered about an open, dirt field. It was a cluttered mess. Swords, shields, axes, maces, lances, spears. Helmets, tunics, chest plates, arm guards. Heads, arms, legs, feet. It was a massacre.

Kazu didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want him to see it either. I was just going to steer us away but then we heard someone groaning, moaning. Immediately Kazu was up and off the horse, running to find the person, calling out for them, begging them to speak up. I thought he’d gone mad. I left Indigo and then went off after him, trying to pull him back. That battlefield was riddled with all sorts of things, and I didn’t want him getting hurt. But he was adamant. He searched until he found the man, a wounded soldier. I don’t think Kazu even bothered to look at his colors. I don’t think he thought twice. He just saw the man and he immediately started helping him, healing him. He told me to get food and water so I went and got food and water.

We patched the man up, helped him out. Dragged him out of that hellhole and over to the grassy part of the field. He laid there for a moment, breathless, exhausted. When he had the strength to eat and drink on his own he thanked us, asked the gods to bless up, told us his name was “Kirby” and said that, thanks to us, he’d be able to return to his wife and his daughter again. Kazu gave him some food, I told him which direction to walk in, and when the man had enough strength to do so he was off.

He was Lotherian too.

I don’t know if Kazu understands the conflict at hand here. I don’t know if he understands that the Lotherians hate mages, that this whole war started because they want to eradicate magic, that they want to dispel these “demonic” natures to purge the land, to free the souls of the damned, to cleanse the soil of which we stand on. I don’t think he understands that any other Lotherian man would have spat in his face, stomped on his boots, and maybe even made an attempt on his life.

But I think maybe Kazu knows, and just doesn’t care.

Year 1140, Month 6, Day 31 Expedition date 67, Entry 8

We came upon a village today. The first we’ve seen in months, it’s a miracle we’ve done as well as we have. Some days I think we won’t have any food, some days I think we might have to eat Indigo. I never would, of course, but I wonder. It’s on those days that I bare my teeth and go hunt with that crossbow of mine, the stupid thing that only wants to work half the time. But I go out and do it anyway, because I know if we don’t then Kazu and I will starve and I just can’t let that happen.

So seeing a village was a blessing. It would give us the opportunity to replenish our supplies and brace for another hard trip into the wilderness.

When we arrived, the village bore an unfamiliar flag. Particularly, it was Dorelian. Which means at some point we must’ve crossed the border over. It’s a comforting thought. Doreli isn’t all too involved in the war, they don’t hold much of the sentiments of either side and don’t intend to get involved. They prefer to keep to themselves, and I can respect that. Plus, it makes things much easier for Kazu and I. We don’t need to worry about being jumped for whatever reason, be it he’s a mage or I’m a slave.

The village is small, modest. The villagers look to us curiously but otherwise do not give us a second glance. They are busy, the fall is nearing, winter will come soon, and there’s lots of harvesting to be done and crops to be dealt with. Two wandering faces arriving out of nowhere doesn’t seem to interested them all too much.

There’s an inn atop a tavern and a small warehouse where they store all the wheat. We make our way to the inn after I drop Indigo off in the stables. We head in and there’s a barkeep hunched over at the counter. He straightens up the instant he sees us -- I guess he doesn’t get many new faces out here -- and immediately he’s talking us up, offering us drinks. I gave Kazu a handful of coins that I’d had left over and tell him to get some food. Then I take the rest of our money and get a room for the night. Next comes the hard part, because I knew things wouldn’t be easy forever, and I needed to start making us money eventually. I walk up to the innkeep, who’s on the other end of the room, and ask him if there’s any contracts out.

The innkeep tells me that the local lord has a bounty on a nearby group of bandits. Anyone who can bring him their leader’s head will get a fair amount of coin. I ask how much, and he tells me enough to pique my interest. It sounds like a job, not the easiest one in the world, but a doable one. I’ve killed enough men to take on a handful, and the money will get us through the next two months.

I get the room key, head up and drop our things off. Then I give the key to Kazu, telling him explicitly to keep it on hand because it’s the only one around and I don’t intend to ever bust down our inn room door unless it’s an absolute emergency (and I can only pray that such an emergency will never arise). He looked to me, confused, and I tell him I have to disappear for a day. His confusion turned to concern and he started asking me a bunch of questions. I quell his fears, assure him I’m just heading out on a job, that I’m doing with vigilants do, and then I handed him the rest of my coin before heading off. I don’t know what his expression is like when I leave and frankly I don’t want to know. It would’ve just hurt more to see him like that than to not see him at all.

I don’t know the last time I’ve ever cared about someone so much. It’s stupid, I know, Kazu’s just a sage who I’ve hardly been in the acquaintance of for more than two months. And he does stupid little things all the time that get on my nerves, like asking too many questions, or throwing himself into danger when it isn’t necessary. But he does other things too, endearing things, that keep me around even when it doesn’t seem worth it anymore. He isn’t paying me much at all, in fact I’m sure he’s coming down to his last coins very soon. And this isn’t like a usual vigilant job, it isn’t like I’m going to be making hundreds off of a kill. I’m just taking Kazu around the world, and letting him experience it for the first time. And honestly... it’s nice. It feels better than a vigilant job. I just don’t know why.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 2 Expedition date 69, Entry 9

Kazu will be happy to know that I am not dead. I had gone this morning and tracked down the bandits. I went and I slaughtered them all. They hardly stood a chance against me, and I think they started to realize that midway through, but by then it was too late. I killed them all, except for a few stragglers who managed to slip away. It didn’t matter though, the bunch had been dispersed and their leader lay dead, so that would satisfy the local lord.

I looted the place, beheaded the leader, and then rode on Indigo to the lord’s keep, where I presented the head and was given my sum of my reward. I’m glad Kazu didn’t come, he didn’t have to see me like that.

While in town I looked around a bit. The keep didn’t have too much to offer, but there was a merchant there selling a few things. I bought a book -- Kazu said he could read, so I figured he’d appreciate something to keep him entertained -- some rations and fresh water, and a new whetstone for my sword. I also dropped by the blacksmith, and had made enough gold from the job that I was able to get my entire set of armor repaired, sword included. It was nice, refreshing even, to have newly restored attire. It also gave me a little more comfort knowing that anything short of a lucky sword slit or stab wouldn’t manage to kill me.

Tonight I will head back to Kazu. I can only hope that he is still in one piece. The village life can be so cruel, especially to one so unacquainted.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 3 Expedition date 70, Entry 10

I returned today to opened arms. It’s been a while since I’ve had such an honor. When I arrived at the inn Kazu was at the bar, talking to the barkeep. From what I understand that’s where he’s spent most of his time since arriving. Apparently the bar keep has plenty of stories, and he has just as many from our recent endeavors. But when I walk in, as rugged as I usually am, Kazu practically jumps out of his seat. He runs over to me and hugs me and I almost fall right over.

He starts babbling and I just muster a pat on the back as he talks about all that he’s done since I’ve been gone and about how much he was worried. I manage to quiet him by shoving the book in his arms. He looks down at it -- it’s a thick read -- and scans the cover. I tell him that I’d bought it while out on the job and thought he’d like it.

Immediately he’s back to hugging me, and although he makes some passing remark about how sages don’t believe in materialistic ideals I think overall he appreciated it. And after I show him the gold I think even he could be happy about a job well done, because the money meant we’d have not just food and water, but more time to go off and explore the world. Right now that seems like the one thing he wants to do most, so who am I to say no? I could always leave, of course, but it’s not like I have anywhere else to go. I might as well stay and enjoy myself

We’ll stay a few more nights then head off once we’re tired of sitting around. Besides, it’s not like us to stay in one place long.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 8 Expedition date 75, Entry 11

We’ve left the village, but the few days we’ve spent there have been a time of reflection for me. There are many things that I’ve thought about, and many more things that I’ve considered, and honestly it’s hard to compose them all in one entry but I’ll try my best.

First, the matter of exploration. I think I’d already thought about this in the past, namely when I was stuck in that tavern trying futility to get drunk and wasting my money away. But now I’m sure of it, as these past few days in the village have been particularly dull. I’ve spent most of them in Kazu’s company in the inn, and while it’s nice to have a soft bed and warm food it’s hardly worth staying in one place for so long. I’m simply restless. I cannot begin to comprehend spending my life in one place for such an extended period of time, as a mere five days was more than unbearable to me.

It was different when I was a vigilant. Yes, I always returned to Akkadia, but otherwise I was traveling, heading from place to place to take contracts, slay beasts, turn in contracts, then move onto the next. It was an active life, and I easily became accustomed to such a life. Which makes settling down seem impossible, for me at least. I cannot see the benefit of sitting around and talking to Kazu when I could very well do the same but on the road, in the wilderness, off in nature where we can explore and enjoy ourselves in the natural world. Kazu seems happier that way, and I am too.

Then there’s the topic of Kazu.

I don’t even know where to begin with writing my feelings down on this. They’re weird, confusing. At first I thought they were a mere protective nature that I’d developed as his bodyguard, a general protectiveness that anyone should wish to have when in a position such as my own. It makes you better at your job, at least I’d like to think, and it leaves you with a happier employer. But... I don’t think that’s what’s happening in my case. I’ve never really looked to Kazu as an employer, not in the same way I look at a lord when he offers me coin in exchange for the head of a cockatrice or a nymph. Kazu just never gave off that demeanor. He was more of a friend if anything, someone to trust and cherish, but protect all the same.

Then again, I never really thought of him as much of a friend either. I was in a sort of limbo for a while. I never considered him close enough to deem a friend, but not distant enough to merely look at as an employee. I felt differently about him, but my vocabulary never managed to do it justice, and now things have changed. I feel different about him.

I think I’ve taken a liking to Kazu, and not in the friendly way either. I know I’ve always been interested in men, there’d been Brandon back in the academy, when I first started my training as a vigilant, but that hadn’t lasted and afterwards he was transferred elsewhere, so frankly it was never meant to last. After that I’d mostly been with women, but after Melissa broke my heart I’d left the dating game for a while. Things were quiet in that regard, a good bit thanks to the fact that things were starting to heat up in the war and the Burning of Akkadia was not too far away. I hadn’t thought about getting into a relationship for a while.

But then I met Kazu, and although at first I didn’t feel particularly interested in him, I think that’s changed. Being around him all the time might’ve had something to do with that.

I realized this just last night in fact. We were in our room, resting up one more time before heading out for travel. He was in a chair, reading that book I’d gotten him, and I was lingering by the window, watching the moon rise with the stars. Then it struck me suddenly that, at some point, my gaze had shifted from the stars to Kazu. Suddenly I had started admiring his eyes and his brow, and his lips. And the second I realized it I snapped myself out of it. Shameful! I thought. But then it struck me that this wasn’t the first time I’d caught myself staring. A few times I’d done the very same thing, mostly after we’d set up camp and he would linger about before going to sleep. I would stare at him, observe him, and while at first I’d dubbed myself a creep and tried to divert my attention, I quickly realized that my actions were not without cause. That perhaps I was doing such things but I was... attracted to him?

Now mind you that I didn’t conclude this until last night and by then I was so tired that I figured myself in a fit of sleeplessness and shortly went to bed. But I awoke this morning and realized that my feelings still remained, that perhaps my protectiveness hadn’t been simply a manner of professionalism, but the fact that I had found someone whom interested me, and my mind was subconsciously telling me so. It would seem that my head knew before the rest of my body did.

I’m not sure what to make of this revelation. I’m nervous, admittedly. I don’t want this to get between Kazu and I. But I feel that it’s necessary that I tell him eventually. It would be for the best. Perhaps I will do so when we’re sitting comfortably in a large city, to the point where I could give him enough money for another bodyguard should he decide to terminate my contract. I will hold onto the hope that he will not get rid of me, but I cannot be so sure. The world is a cruel place. It’s hard to say if he’ll ever except me for who I am. But there’s only one way to find out.

Year 1140, Month 7, Day 28 Expedition date 95, Entry 12

We had a close call. Too close. We were going through the woods and knew well enough that there were wolves prowling about, but I figured they’d stay away if we yelled at them enough to keep off. It worked the first couple of times but eventually those fuckers got sneaky. We’d stopped for a break and then just like that they came out of nowhere. One of them snatched my heel and when I reached to grab my sword another one lunged up at me. I only managed to just barely protect my throat, but I nearly lost my finger in the process.

Indigo panicked and ran away. Kazu was trapped between a tree and a few very angry wolves. I quickly realized that if I didn’t do something soon then we were as good as dead. I had to fight through the pain to grab my sword but I wasn’t going to let these stupid mutts eat Kazu alive, so with blood coating my grip I started stabbing away at the wolves. The one on my heel backed off after a good kick to the nose, and the one going for my throat backed away after I stabbed it in the leg. Another jumped up on me but I swatted it away. It became apparent at that point that we were surrounded but I wasn’t backing down. I couldn’t.

I knew well enough that by taking out the big dog the rest would run off, so I immediately started looking for the alpha. It took a moment before I found him -- he was sizing up Kazu around the time I got to him. I went to stab at it but at that point the blood coated my hand so severely that keeping a grip on my sword was impossible, so instead I went for plan B. I tackled the wolf to the ground and slammed its head into the dirt. I felt a few more bites along my back but I ignored them as I wrestled the biggest wolf of the bunch. The alpha wouldn’t back off until I shoved my hand down its throat, and at that point it realized it was out matched. Retreating with an awful gag, the wolf ran off and with it went the rest of the pack, save the two that I’d already butchered.

At that point my back was bit up, my heel was blooded, and it was hard to tell if I still had all my fingers. Kazu, after snapping out of his initial shock, immediately tended to me, both scared out of his wits and thankful to be alive. I was just as thankful, and after he patched me up we went to go track down Indigo.

It was at that point that I decided I needed to tell him.

I’d spent the last twenty days debating it. Of course my initial plan had been to get somewhere where we could go our separate ways with ease but with the realization of my infatuation came an even more intense interest. It was plaguing my life to be frank, as every time I looked at him I was reminded of my attraction. My heart would skip, my breath would hitch. I would pray that he didn’t notice and move on. But now, in the instance that I nearly died, I decided it had to be done. Even if he rejected me, even if it was all pointless, I needed to tell him before I lost the chance to ever do so. Those wolves actually opened my eyes.

While we searched for Indigo I had quietly picked a handful of flowers. There were a fair amount of white and purple lilies scattered about, so I went and picked them into a nice little bouquet. When I had quite enough in my hand I kept them hidden behind my back until we’d found the horse. I think Kazu might have noticed at some point, but he never questioned me, so I presumed that I had the element of surprise. And so, when we finally found my trusty stead not too far away, I pulled out the flowers and told him.

I poured my heart out to him, more or less. My whole speech is hard to recall word-for-word, but I can at least say that I told him how I felt. I told him that I’d started to notice how absolutely beautiful he was, and how much I’d learned to love his voice. I told him about how much I adored his company, about how I cherished every single day we had together. I told him about how every time I looked to the stars I was reminded of his eyes, and how every time I heard the melody of a harp I was reminded of his laugh, in the same way one would be reminded of the songs of the gods. I told him that I had kicked myself for waiting so long to tell him, that I felt foolish for ever hesitating, for ever doubting. I told him that I would love to take his hand, and if not then I would at least appreciate the fact that I ever got to tell him in the first place.

I told him all these things breathlessly. I told him them as if I’d only have seconds to do so, and to be honest the entire time my heart was pounding. One might have thought that I was fighting a great monstrosity with how fast my heart was pounding, but no. I was just thinking about him.

And then when my speech was said and done and I held out the flowers, my eyes fell to the floor. I felt shame. It was as if it had all come crashing down on my head suddenly, as if the realization had hit that I just admitted I loved another man, as if it all became strikingly apparent that I was a freak by society’s standard. I could only imagine what that meant to a sage, to Kazu, someone who was so pure and so innocent being vilified by a creature so despicable. For a second I honestly felt like a monster. Then... he started laughing.

I thought he was laughing at me but I quickly realized that it wasn’t laughing so much as it was giggling, and his face was a hot pink. It’s then that he told me that my ears were lit up a fiery red, and upon telling me my own blush only grew worse. He took the flowers happily and hugged me, and I don’t know I guess somewhere along the lines he had realized he felt the same? The whole thing is a blur, if I’m being honest it felt like a dream. My heart was pounding a mile a minute, and at one point it seemed as if I’d gone deaf. But... I hadn’t.

I’m just in love.

Year 1140, Month 8, Day 13 Expedition date 110, Entry 13

It’s been about two weeks since I told Kazu how I felt about him. Things have only gotten better it seems. We started slow, more-so for Kazu’s sake than my own, but once we started getting comfortable we tried being a bit more... intimate. I enjoy kissing him most of all, even just occasionally. Sometimes when we wake up I will lean over and kiss him, and he’ll laugh and kiss me back. Sometimes after a long day of travel I’ll want nothing more than to pull him into a hug and kiss him all over. I control myself of course, but sometimes it can be hard. I want to cherish him more than anything, especially since it’s been so long since I’ve been given such an opportunity.

My favorite time is whenever Kazu goes out of his way to kiss me himself. He’ll run up and plant a peck on my cheeks or sometimes my lips. It’s always adorable, because he’ll try to pull me down to keep me close, and of course I’ll let him.

I’m glad that things are working out so well between us. It seems that my previous concerns were all for naught. His interest in me was just as intense as my interest in him. I can hope for nothing more than our continued relationship, and it seems that the outdoors benefits us with such an opportunity. We do not need to fear being walked-in on while out in the woods, and even if we did who would believe such a sight? We are on our own entirely, and it’s a benefit of nature that we could have never foreseen. I love it, wholeheartedly, just as I love him.

Year 1140, Month 9, Day 1 Expedition Date 127, Entry 14

We arrived at a city today for the first time in a while. It’s been another month and it seemed foolish to pass up dropping by and resupplying, so we made our way over. From the looks of it we’re still in Doreli, so things are still safe. After we took Indigo to a stable, Kazu and I ventured the city. We found a nice inn, much nicer than the first (and more expensive) to stay a few nights in. There’s also another job but I’ll wait until tomorrow to worry about that. I need to make sure Kazu’s settled in first and foremost.

Since we arrived at the city so early in the day we decided to walk around a bit. I met a blacksmith who agreed to repair my gear and re-shoe Indigo, and after that I walked Kazu down to the marketplace where there were an array of goods to choose from. It was by far the most extravagant of the marketplaces we’ve had the opportunity to see thus far, and that seemed apparent in Kazu’s blatant awe. There were so many things to look at, so many things to choose from, it seemed pointless to only pick a few, but they only had so much money to barter.

It became clear, though, what we were getting the second it walked up to us. A little pseudodragon seemed absolutely drawn to Kazu. It came up to him on its own in fact, and right away you could tell that it had won Kazu’s heart over, because his eyes simply glowed. A moment later we found out that the creature belonged to a merchant, and that for a fair sum we could have it (although I soon learned it was actually a her). Kazu begged me, although that wasn’t particularly necessary, as he could have simply asked and I would have never had the mind to say no.

So we bought the little dragon and Kazu promptly named her Chamomile. I never would have considered such a name, but I love it nonetheless. I can only hope that this little dragon won’t prove too troublesome on our endeavors.

As a slight side note, we ran down to the stables to introduce Chamomile to Indigo. It seems the two get along enough, as at the very least they don’t hate each other. That’s a better sign than none.

Also I very quickly learned that little Chamomile loves to do one thing in particular, and that’s puff balls of fire. Adorable maybe, but also painful. I’ve already been damned quite a few times by that thing simply because it loves to scorch my skin. Thankfully, Kazu is kind enough to mend my wounds whenever it is necessary. It is necessary a lot, evidently.

Year 1140, Month 9, Day 17 Expedition Date 143, Entry 15

We finally left the city today. As I’ve already said it’s hard for me to stay in one place for very long, and although we stayed here longer than I had hoped it was at least slightly more bearable with Kazu as company. I took up two contracts while here, one to wipe out a nest of corpse eaters and another to slay a werewolf. Both weren’t particularly easy, or bearable, but I did it for the sake of Kazu and I. The coin was good and so it keeps us afloat.

The last few days were nice. I became well acquainted with the blacksmith in town, who work on my armor a few times, namely when I arrived and after both of my contracts. He was a kind man, I appreciated his company well enough. He was one of the few people I spoke with aside from Kazu while in town.

We spent a bit of time in the marketplace, perhaps more than was necessary, but after finding Chamomile Kazu was adamant on looking for any other little creatures we keep. We found none, but we did learn that Chamomile loves to push over random objects. She pushed over a vase on a merchant’ stand and we ended up paying for its broken bits. Lesson learned for sure, I’ll need to make sure it doesn’t happen again (me specifically, because Kazu didn’t seem bothered about it in the slightest. Something about materialistic ideals being false and all that. I don’t care what he thinks, as long as it doesn’t end up being too expensive).

But now we’re on the road again, regardless. I’m not sure where the path will take us now, but I hope it will take us the right way, wherever that may be.

It’s me, Kazu, Indigo and Chamomile now. And life’s never been better.

#drabble;

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wotsthisollabout · 5 years

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ASMR?

My daughter and I were discussing ASMR videos the other day, and today one of my favorite webcomic authors put a whole dissertation on it up on his site. (Links at bottom - go read his comic!!!)

ASMR IS SUCH A WEIRD PHENOMENON

For those who experience it, ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) is a euphoric sensation that at times is overwhelming. For those who don't, it's usually "that cringy, awkward, creepy stuff". Little research has been done on ASMR and the world still doesn't really know why it happens.

I'm not a neurologist or a scientist, but I've spent more than 40 years experiencing and contemplating ASMR and I have some theories that I think genuinely explain what ASMR really is and why it happens. I believe ASMR has a purpose and played an important role in our species' evolution and survival. And while I didn't name it ASMR, I'm partly responsible for why we call it that today. I'll explain that in a bit. WHAT DOES ASMR ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE? Once it's triggered, ASMR creates a very pleasurable, tingly feeling that glides across the scalp in friendly waves and can even seem as though it's being felt deep under the scalp. The feeling can sometimes travel down the neck, shoulders and back. This feeling varies in intensity and promotes a euphoric sense of calm, relaxation and well being. The person experiencing ASMR is usually filled with a strong desire to simply remain still and enjoy the sensation until it fades (usually in 2 to 10 minutes, given the circumstances and the person). As someone who has battled an opioid addiction, I can tell you that strength and intensity of ASMR is easily comparable to the strength of a drug like euphoria. The ASMR feeling does not hinder a person's judgement by making them feel high or drunk. The subject remains clear headed and aware (though usually very relaxed).

IS ASMR SEXUAL? COME ON, IS IT? BE REAL WITH ME.

No. Not in the least. ASMR is often mistaken by people without it, as a kink or fetish. This is in no way true. The pleasurable feelings ASMR brings do not induce sexual feelings or urges. "But Tarol," I hear you saying, "I know people online who say they DO find it sexual". Yes. And there are people with a kink for combining food with sexual arousal, but this does not mean that the pleasure we get from yummy foods is sexual in nature. Some people are turned on by bondage, yet this doesn't make ropes innately sexual. Lots of people enjoy incorporating otherwise nonsexual aspects of the world around them into an erotic experience. The pleasure experienced by ASMR is no more sexual that the pleasure experienced from eating our favourite foods.

AFTER HEARING ABOUT THIS ASMR THING, I THINK I MIGHT ALSO HAVE IT.

I hear this a lot. It's an understandable reaction to something that is often so poorly and vaguely explained. "Oh it's a good feeling? Hey, I've felt good feelings before! Maybe I have it too". Let me sum this up. If, after hearing/reading about ASMR, you're saying "I think I have that", then you don't. If you're not completely sure if you have ASMR, then you don't have it. The ASMR sensation is so hard to explain, because it's so different than almost any other feeling. We try to compare it to other sensations like "tingly goosebumps" etc, but this hardly covers the actual feeling. ASMR is unique and impossible to miss, when it happens. It's like if I told you that massive dinosaurs were stampeding through my living room every morning and your response is "Hmmmm. Now that you mention it, I think dinosaurs might be stampeding through my living room too". If you actually have dinosaurs charging through your living room, you absolutely know it. If you have to think about whether or not dinosaurs charge through your home, it's definitely not happening to you.

ASMR TRIGGERS

Triggers are the events or experiences that can create the ASMR sensation. These triggers can vary a bit from person to person, but they all follow specific rules that give away the whole purpose of ASMR. Common triggers include whispering, chewing, gentle touching or close up focus on the ASMR subject (like a doctor shining a light in your ear or quietly listening to your heartbeat with a stethoscope). When looking at the pleasure that the ASMR subject feels and the apparent intimacy of some of these triggers, it's easy to see why non-ASMR folks might think that it's a sexual thing. What's worse, it's very common to see someone with an actual sexual kink, swearing up and down that "It's not sexual! Really". So an ASMR subject promising that it's not sexual, can leave their friend rolling their eyes and thinking "Oh yeah, this stuff is TOTALLY sexual"

MY LIFE WITH ASMR

I know that this blog isn't about me, but I think that recounting my discovery and gradual understanding of ASMR might help a bit to explain exactly what it is. I'll mark these bits with a "TL;DR" so you can skip them if you like.

I WAS NOT A SMART KID (TL;DR... I didn't know where the tingles were coming from, I just accepted it)

I was born in 1973. It was in the late 70s that I started to experience the ASMR 'tingles', usually at school. I had no idea what was triggering it, I just knew that it was this wonderful feeling that happened sometimes and I didn't consider the reason or cause. Kids are very good at just accepting the world for what it is. To make my point, here are some things that I actually believed as a small child...

- I had no idea that elevators were meant to go up and down, I thought they always stayed still. I calmly and thoroughly believed that when the elevator doors closed with me and my Mom inside, the world outside the elevator was morphed into something different. I remember standing in an elevator and as the doors closed, I noticed a man standing in the hall just outside. When the doors opened again, an old lady was standing more or less where the man was. I thought the elevator had turned him into the old lady.

- I thought that if I smashed my family's TV screen, the cartoon characters would come out of it and play with me. I remember grabbing my 12 inch Spider-Man doll and hitting the screen over and over as hard as I could, during an episode of Tom & Jerry. Lucky I was not a strong kid and I failed to break the screen.

- I thought that the scuba divers I'd seen on TV were stupid for lugging around those big, heavy tanks on their backs. I thought "If I ever get to go scuba diving, I'm gonna cut the mouth piece off of the tube attached to the tank so I can breathe through that without needing the tank. They're dummies for not thinking of that."

- I once asked my Mom where babies come from. She told me "The man puts a seed inside the woman and that grows into a baby". That afternoon I stole a big box of sunflower seeds from our cupboard and went to the playground. I handed out sunflower seeds to all the girls to eat. I was excited about all the babies I was going to have.

So as you can see, it's no surprise that as a kid, I shrugged and accepted that the tingly sensations just... happened.

DISCOVERING MY TRIGGERS (TL;DR... I discovered that certain things trigger the sensation)

I kept the tingly feeling to myself and never told anyone else. For a lot of my childhood, I thought that I was the only person in the world feeling those tingles. I started to learn what the triggers were and I became more familiar with what caused the sensation.

- At one school I went to, we'd eat our lunches at our desks. As we all sat at our desks, eating out of our paper bags and Scooby-Doo lunchboxes, the girl in front of me happened to be a rather loud chewer. I sat eating my lunch and enjoying a session of tingles.

- At another school, the classroom was very silent as we all focused on an important math test. The girl in the desk next to me was breathing kinda loudly through her nose. This also set off the sensation.

- As a kid, we had a cool button stamp. We'd put the little metal disks into the device and pull the lever, creating a wearable button that showed off whatever picture we put inside. During the Christmas season, I used to draw dozens of colourful Christmas pictures and create tons of buttons. I'd then set up a table near the mall and sell them to people passing by. Many times, I'd get those tingles while watching someone slowly looking over my button display.

- I remember sitting at my desk at school and the boy sitting next to me didn't have a pencil, so he asked if I had one I could lend him. I opened up my pencil case and handed him my extra pencil. As I watched him concentrate on his schoolwork, using my pencil, I started to get the tingly feeling.

YOU MEAN I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE?! (TL;DR... I discovered that another kid also had ASMR)

One of my favourite triggers was a lice check. See, if a kid at school was sent home with lice, they'd get nurses to go from classroom to classroom, carefully checking each kid's hair for lice. They'd gently search through your hair with what appeared to be chopsticks. This was possibly the strongest trigger for me. I secretly loved lice checks. One day, two ladies came into our classroom to do a check. I inwardly cheered. Then suddenly a boy near the front of the class yelled out "Oh boy! I love when they do this! It makes my head feel all tingly!". What?!? No one could tell, but in my mind I was freaking out. What I thought to be something that only I experienced, suddenly became something others can have too. From then on, I looked at the phenomenon very differently. If it happens to others, then there must be a reason for it. Suddenly I was immensely curious about it all. I would have gone and talked to that kid about it, but... I hated him so much. He once asked for a bite of my doughnut and then shoved the whole thing in his mouth, grinning at me. Damn, I hated that kid.

THE INTERNET CHANGED EVERYTHING

Years later, this weird internet thing was suddenly exploding everywhere. I remember being at a friend's house while he showed me a few others, how it worked. We entered the word "vampire" (it was the 90s. Vampires were the most popular thing in the universe) into the pre-Google search engine and gasped as literally DOZENS of websites about vampires popped up! I quickly realised what I could do with something like this! I could type "boobs"! Later I realised that I could finally learn about these weird tingles. That's when I found that searching for info on something that has no name and is nigh impossible to describe, was really hard. I found nothing. Every year or so, I would get curious about the sensation and try another internet search. I don't remember the actual year that I finally found a forum on the subject, but I remember it was the computer set up that I had on 9/11, so it was somewhere around then (no disrespect intended, that was just a time we all remember clearly).

WE CALL IT ASMR PARTLY BECAUSE OF ME. ...SORT OF.

I was excited to jump into a group (I think it was on Yahoo or MSN or something) where I could finally talk to other people about this! We regulars in the group would talk about triggers, theories about why it exists and many, many complaints of trying (and failing) to convince others that this was in no way sexual.

A thread eventually popped up, discussing how this thing needs a name. We started suggesting ideas for what we could call it. I don't remember my suggestions but I'm sure they were awful. The name everyone settled on was... "Brain Orgasm". The new, official name was quickly used by the group. When I discovered that Brain Orgasm had been chosen, I wrote a thread arguing that we really shouldn't use that name. I explained that if we want to convince others that this is not sexual, we really should avoid the word "orgasm" in the title. Everyone agreed and so the naming process started again. This time a lady (I vaguely remember her being a doctor but I might be wrong about that) suggested that we call it "Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response" or ASMR. I immediately hated the name and declared that it was "worse than Brain Orgasm". I argued that it was hard to remember, hard to say and even the initials didn't roll off the tongue. I was sure the name wouldn't stick. But everyone except me loved it and so that became the official name for it. Obviously I was very wrong about the name and I'm glad everyone had the sense to disagree with me.

WHY DOES ASMR EXIST AND WHAT IS IT FOR?

Okay. Remember that while I honestly think I'm right about this and have spent four decades coming to this conclusion, this is just the opinion of one person familiar with the subject matter. As far as I know, there have been no proper studies to back up what I'm about to say.

We've all seen creatures like apes grooming each other, picking bugs, etc out of each other's fur. The ape being groomed always seems to be sitting still and calmly enjoying the attention. For those apes, grooming each other is a great way to keep clean and more likely to avoid diseases or infections. It's also a great way for creatures with simpler communication practices to bond socially. This bond encourages the animals to stick together for safety, share food and even defend each other when attacked. So grooming each other makes sense as an important instinct that would evolve over time. Dogs and cats have a form of this that has developed from our symbiotic relationship. They enjoy being pet or scratched which seems less about grooming and more about creating or strengthening a social bond (though I once found a tick on my dog while I was scratching her belly). Cats even purr, which honestly, if I had to attribute a sound to the feeling of ASMR, purring fits it perfectly.

So it's possible that the ape being groomed or the cat being pet, is feeling some form of ASMR. And it's just as possible that our hunter-gatherer ancestors who groomed each other in similar ways, also felt a kind of ASMR. In a harsh world of survival of the fittest, those who evolve the ability to feel pleasure from it are more likely to gain more benefits from the higher amount of cleanliness and social bounds. Consider what the ASMR sensation encourages the subject to do. Keep still, quiet and not interrupt the person triggering the feeling. Sometimes relaxing enough to fall asleep if the situation warrants it. All these tendencies brought on by ASMR aid the grooming process.

Now let's look at the triggers. If what I'm saying is true, then that explains the ASMR from something like a lice check, but what about those other triggers? They all seem to play a part in the grooming process as well.

- Whispering: The sound of someone whispering suggests physical closeness. The kind of personal space sharing required for ape-like grooming. Look at the ASMR videos on YouTube. They all whisper as close to the microphone as possible, creating a sense of intense closeness. Whispering is only heard if the person doing it is positioned very close to you. So it fits the grooming theory.

- Chewing, breathing and mouth sounds: Like whispering these sounds are almost always heard if the person making them is close to you. During those classroom lice checks, I'd hear the nurse breathing right into my ear, as she was very close. The tiniest movement of her lips or mouth was easily heard. It seems logical to me that as we evolve to adhere to being groomed, we'd respond to the sounds and sensations that would commonly be heard during each grooming.

- Borrowing my pencil or studying the buttons I made: The two important details here are focus and the subject's sense of self. The ape doing the grooming is going to be focused intently on what they're doing and that focus is completely on the subject being groomed. I thought of my pencil as 'mine'. An extension of my person. The same can be said for my buttons. I drew each one of those pictures by hand and so they were very much mine. When the kid focused on his schoolwork and therefore on my pencil or those people quietly studied my little pictures, it triggered the ASMR as if a groomer was focusing intently on me.

I've never been into the YouTube ASMR roleplay videos, but look at the themes used to trigger people's ASMR. Roleplays about someone shaving you, cleaning your ears, doing your hair, etc. Those all point directly at grooming. Every trigger seems to be either a sound that's usually only heard close up, intense focus on the subject, gentle touching or something that mimics a feeling of isolated intimacy.

So to put it bluntly, I believe that ASMR is essentially a largely redundant grooming instinct left over from our times as hunter-gatherers, when grooming was far more important and vital.

-Tarol

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Thunt_Goblins?lang=en

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(anyone is welcome to repost this blog anywhere they like. I only ask that you credit me and include those links. Thank you.)

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