#just trauma related dissociation

[dilutedapplejuice]

I think if I ever met a system/anyone with DID, OSDD, etc I would never actually be able to tell… I have really bad memory for details about people so I wouldn’t really notice many if any discrepancies. I also can’t recognize personalities as anything concrete (unless it’s super obvious), two totally different alters could be out on the same day and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Worst I’d interpret would be a mood swing.

Especially since most systems’ alters mask as the host- some r better than others but usually the ones worse at masking aren’t out very often (to my knowledge)

#I’m doomed #I would love to meet a system and get to know the alters #but I know it’s super complicated and me getting excited over my psych spin might be interpreted as downplaying trauma or experiences #or worse commodifying alters #and I’d get overwhelmed. I can hardly survive having like 10 friends #how will I remember the names pronouns and personalities of a ton of alters who use the same body?????????? #oh well open communication is key I guess #maybe autism and DID/OSDD don’t always mesh well #y’know like autistic inability to read cues and trauma response hyper vigilance and protectiveness… #the list goes on #I may or may not be vagueposting about someone irl who I suspect #I’m close w the alleged host so I hope it’d be fine #but they’re probably not to the level of OSDD or DID tho #just trauma related dissociation #I would hope at least I know some systems are happy and accepting of their plurality but being a system is traumatizing for many #ough #they said they were questioning if they were autistic too #didn’t give me those vibes but I honestly don’t know #traumatized autistic people mask like hell #I def don’t know everything abt them #I’d love to talk to them abt it tooooooo but they said they’re not ready to think abt it #idk I’ll text them to say they can bring it up with me whenever #I’m always happy to talk about autism with other people lol #especially people who are realizing it for themselves……. #I have been the source of at least 1 autistic revelation #whooo that was a lot of tags #anyway it’s 1:32 so goodnight #I’m glad I know about DID/OSDD tho because like what if I did meet an overt system #I bet lots of people interpret that as like schotzpphrenia or something #which is valid in its own right

[furiousgoldfish]

reblog if your short term memory AND your long term memory are both shit and wildly selective

#my brain will pick 1 event per year and remember that #and then anything else is just static #memory issues #memory loss #dissociative disorders #trauma disorders #cptsd #ptsd #trauma related memory loss

[apothiplatonic]

i've often tried to explain why i'm friend-repulsed – what is so uniquely distressing about friendship to me, compared to other interpersonal bonds – so here's one part of it.

friendships feel distinct from other types of relationships in that they usually start without any agreements, and can be entered into without even realizing. growing up, this was frightening to me; to hear a teacher declare we had to be friends with every student in the classroom, or to be called friends with someone i was just polite or kind to. when i did see models of “people asking if they can be your friend”, it was in children's books about how rejecting them makes you a bully. there was, and is, no escape. to suddenly hear that someone considered me a friend, and that i would be an evil oath-breaker if i left them or failed to be a “good friend” or sat there and did nothing at all, was bone-chilling. i made no oath!

i'm a scrupulous person, and i was even worse as a kid, so my society's friendship norms hurt me a lot. i didn't have any cultural example of how to say “no” to “do you want to be my friend?”, no script to turn down a kind and well-intentioned request for friendship, no means of egress that didn't make me a villain. i would regularly end up in – what seemed to me – servitude to some other child, not sure how i got there but unable to leave until they lost interest in me. i felt bent to the will of one person after the other, each one oblivious to how i felt their every friendly action as suffocating, consuming, as knives carving me into an empty statue who would do what they wanted. i was given no model for negotiating a friendship contract, but always reminded that there was a contract, one that i could not see or understand or alter.

...of course, there are always unspoken rules in social interaction, and culturally-approved coercion, and awful norms around consent. but there's something about how harmless friendship is seen as, and how socially discouraged it is to deny it, that hurt me a lot. i didn't have a drive towards friendships, so my friends were decided by whichever child was pushy and domineering enough, and i assumed that was just how things worked. i never even noticed when my friends actually treated me unfairly, because all of it hurt so much that i couldn't tell the difference. until i found the apl community, i couldn't find the language or ideas to even begin to think about it!

i think in most possible worlds, i would still be aplatonic. but it's this – my own experience of friendship as an inescapable torment, tearing chunks out of myself and offering them to whoever was strong enough, while the adults around me called me “such a good friend” – that made me friend-repulsed.

#aplatonic #aplspec #apothiplatonic #nonfriending #dissociation cw #disordered thinking cw #schizoid related but just as far as it overlaps with my aplatonicism #also this post shows some of the uncharitable skips in my brain from scratches on the disc #that illogical trauma reasoning #but i figured that's worth showing so people understand what friendship repulsion can feel like from the inside? #also if this seems familiar it's because i adapted it from something i said on discord months ago #i am the slowest blogger on tumblr #apothiposts

[cherrysnax]

havin the weirdest crisis of my life

#this is like. did related so im gonna sound completely uh #what’s the word. odd and shit for a sec okay? okay #so I’ve been here. hi im cheri silver yknow me for about 20 years total but jay used to front for years when we were in middle school #im not the. original host I guess but I’ve been around since #we were in the early single digits and never left #so im the host right? I existed to go thru the Trauma #but. it’s been my life for so long. my parents don’t know Her #they’ve only known me #but like. we’re finally starting to let go of that trauma #errr not let go but make peace with it. and we’ve been holding onto it for so long. I’ve been holding on to it for so long #but.. who am I without it? like yes that’s my trauma but also. is my purpose over?? is that why we haven’t been able to draw? #I’ve been the host for 20 years this is my life #my friends my gf my life my hobbies it’s mine not anyone else’s #I let others take the wheel when I can’t (or they forcibly do it for me) and jays been gone for like 3 years he only came back because I’ve #been being traumatized everyday recently. but like. will I have to go too?? #reintergration is not really our goal. never has been but like #if we do. will I be here or will She come back? we’ve had false alarms before but it’s mostly been decided that it’s my front my life #maybe im just triggered all the time and that’s why I feel extra out of it #less myself #New Traumas are happening to us everyday #but yeah. I dont talk abt this aspect of my life much but it’s so scary to think about #I’ll talk to Chevy when they get off of work tomorrow abt it if it’s still like. freaking me out #I am me. we are a bunch of niggas but I am me. #did niggas when the identity disorder makes them dissociate smh #😫

[cervideity]

i guess now i am considering analysis part of the art i am putting out.. this is just a thought. and i havent written my essay yet. anyway. i am thinking about fucking ed carter again. get me out of here.

tearing through flesh day after day after day battle after battle succeeding over and over where you could not before. constantly reliving the moment you could have changed things for the better.but. but. but heres the crucial part. the very event that made you a killing machine is the one where you could not have possibly have been that. the event where you needed to be that. forming this response endlessly too late. fated to lose your friends no matter what you fucking did. molded by your enviornment in the cruelest of ways and not even able to use it when it mattered most. you were never enough. you will never be enough. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#i love ed . he is. i have no idea if the author meant to make him like this but he is so dissociative and his character makes me feel seen #more than any other character i have ever seen #hes such a nice kid. .... he is such a nice kid. tears in my fucking eyes. #no one has read the enemy. trust me when i say im being truthful and based HAHAHA #imgonnafuvkjn throw up man.. #the enemy #the enemy charlie higson #the enemy book series #ed carter #AND IM GONE by femtanyl is HIS song. btw. #i know this kinda thing is . idk. a trope? i just think it hits diffferent when its a kid. who is Still very . emotional and sweet. #it feels like im reading the pov of an open wound #edit: eds battle/trauma/whatevr response is not depicted perfect or. even fully nonableist . i am not claiming that it would be GOOD rep #(if it was even intended to be dissociative) just that I Personally relate to how its written #and also this series is well written in general. so.. god. i need to analyze it more there is so much meat to dig into

[scatterpatter]

In one of those "how much is a NORMAL amount to remember" moods

#my art #doodles #h.txt #dissociation tw #depersonalization tw #ventish #thank u hosty for the art help <3 #im not sure how to tag trauma-related memory issues #dissociative amnesia tw #??? #idfk if thats what it is but ill use the tag to be safe #dont even get me STARTED on childhood memories at least those can be written off as being many years ago XD #anyways if u were my mutual in my fnafblr days and i just fell out of contact sorryyyyy #super down to reconnect with any mutuals tho <3

[transbee]

having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.

#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el #i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any #dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe #like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it #idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about #literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own. #and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god #and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.) #but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems #or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like #get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days. #and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus #is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways. #idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess #i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives. #what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it #sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY ! #i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!! #and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!! #WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT #.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!! #.txt #and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that. #in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL #<3

[chemicalcarousel]

So far two therapists have asked me (the oblivious host of a system) to act and speak like one of our littles after they met her in therapy and dude hate to break it to you but idfk how to do that man... like if you want a parody I can make a silly mickey mouse voice tho but that's about it sry

#yo its sof #ours #headmates #sysblr #pluralgang #syskids #btw i dont think they realised we were plural yet #but tbh i dont remember and they uhhh just dropped #the plural bomb on us one day lmao #so dunno how long they've been suspecting us being multiple #idk if this is relatable hhhh maybe our therapy is just bad #our main diagnosis is bipolar so we dont have trauma or dissociation specialists 💀 #our mood is stable in a bipolar sense rn #but trauma and dissociation are ruining our lives #grrrrrr therapy is also hard with distrust and paranoia #little thinks she is in physical danger #levi stops me from talking to anyone about being plural #like we are all fine with ranting on tumblr #but to a therapist.... it would make denial harder #and both levi and i are kinda struggling with denial #yeah can't just throw it at levi bc im scared shitless too but for different reasons #whateverrrr

[fencesandfrogs]

hi! i have a system question if and when you have the time:

i saw something about how like, if one alter is autistic then everyone's autistic. i'm assuming that's because autism is like a whole brain thing that you're born with, so you'd have it from since before the different alters develop in childhood?

would something like depression or anxiety that can be developed later on then be possible for only some alters to have but not others? or is it more complicated than that?

afaik, it's complicated.

as always, i'm not an expert and please don't take this too seriously.

in my research, i have not seen a consensus on this.

before i say anything else, i just want to get personality disorders out of the way: some people say if one alter has a personality disorder, every alter has a personality disorder. i haven't looked into this in further detail.

(anyone who knows more is welcome to chime in)

[a draft of this post included a link to "my depression is like having a bad dog," which is such a good article i'm including the link even though it no longer fits into this.]

i think what it comes down to is what is the "cause" of the mental illness.

that is to say, let's say you have anxiety because of trauma. in that case, it would make sense for only one alter to have anxiety. (only one of our alters has anxiety.)

on the other hand, let's say you have a genetic predisposition to depression and it doesn't have any other cause. then maybe it affects the whole system.

but then, people with bipolar depression report interesting features, such as only certain alters being affected (or even diagnosed), and my understanding of bipolar depression would be that it should affect the whole system.

basically, when your brain is doing something it isn't designed to do, a lot of the rules get thrown out the window. in some systems, the right alter has to take their meds, or they won't work: for physical symptoms. furthermore, if you're traumatized, i think your anxiety and depression are going to be linked to that. like, forming dissociative barriers is pretty "last ditch effort" of the brain. it has to literally damage itself to do it. i suspect your anxiety is probably related to that.

so, like, i don't have a good answer for you. if anyone knows more/has sources, feel free to jump in.

<3

#ask #anon #mine #in the land of personal opinion: #if your brain is overwhelmed enough to form a system #your other mental health issues are probably related #which means they're probably affected by the system #exception: i think schizophrenia has a link to trauma but i think it affects a whole system like autism #not sure about that tho #i had to terminate my research on schizophrenia to focus on dissociative disorders lol #but anyway: for us w depression #it's like the physical symptoms affect everyone #but the thinking patterns only affect me #that's just anecdote tho #lol

[ratvich]

literally just thinking about ur trauma is so embarrassing 

#vent #dont rb #i knowwwwwww ur not supposed to compare trauma but ugh #idk #i should just get over it tbh... it literally happens to so many people LOL and i think umm i should be normal <3 #anyhow yesterday was pretty good until the last part of the day that actually sucked mega time. i started dissociated super fucking hard #while watching a presentation the school was doing and it got better when it was over and we moved to the senior lounge but. 😶 #im not saying i tried hurting myself to try and snap out of the dissociation but uh yes i did and UHM. UHM. someone noticed that was like #literally terrifying. hes cool but we dont talk often and i wasnt expecting him to scoot over #when he mentioned the pencil it literally felt like i was about to fucking die i completely froze up #idk hes nice tho #he said i could talk to him if i wasnt feeling ok #so shoutout to him i guess #ANYHOW im good now and im just reading a book a friend sent me #its kinda hard to relate to cause so far has a lot to do with family and so parts of it arent super applicable to me #but eh its fine

[piplupod]

thank god i don't have to have my camera on for this class very often bc i am absolutely fuming and literally tearing up bc i am so upset and angry at these education resources for this stupid fucking class, it's about "self management" and "office etiquette" and theyre just so fucking shitty and stupid and awful. like. really fucking ableist and i know that's obvious but jesus christ. it's all such bullshit. i hate offices so much.

#let me just strip you of every ounce of personality and individuality so you become our perfect little drone!!! #no need for emotions here! if someone is being negative to you - just ignore it! don't be upset about it :) #make sure you make eye contact and read nonverbal cues! everyone can do that sooooo easily! shouldnt be a problem for our drones! #any body modifications relevant to your culture! cover those up! once again - zero individuality is allowed here! #you have to be the human personification of the colour white :) no no not beige. that's too racially significant! we must ALL be white :) #but we LOOOOVE diversity here and celebrate it! just as long as you are NT cishet white and boring :) #i'm so . fucking angry fhsdgdsgjkl nothing makes me upset faster than office etiquette bullshit fsdjgjkl #i want to leave class for the day so bad so i can go cry #i've already gotten today's assignment done anyways lol i finished it off before class even started #but. gotta keep up appearances. im trying to stay a day head #*a day ahead #but fhsdgjkl tomorrow's is the really shitty ableist assignments so fuck me i guess #i need to just dissociate hardcore and let my brain go into society drone-mode but god. it is very upsetting to do that #but this work needs to be done fhsdghsdghjkl fucking hell it is literally upsetting and potentially triggering to do this shit #because this like. relates back to some specific trauma and abuse i've gone through lmfao. #i wish i'd stayed dormant longer jsdjfkl #Nine would've hated this and Cal would've been upset but i think they'd be able to do it better than i can #especially Nine because he gets so angry JFSDFJKL he just powers through it so it gets done faster #okay im being embarrassing now sorry fsdfkl i will shut up and go attempt to work on this bullshit #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[nexus-nebulae]

last time i saw this particular doctor was in june.

i'm only supposed to have one month in-between appointments so we can monitor how my meds are affecting me.

instead, i had to wait two months, and it was set out in august.

two and a half hours before my august appointment they tell me that it's suddenly been cancelled. i was literally in the midst of getting ready to leave, and i had to rush to text my mom to not clock out of work because she doesn't have to drive me there after all.

i reschedule. for september.

today, again only a few hours before the appointment, i get a call that it had to be rescheduled again.

the next availability was the last week of october.

i am NOT supposed to go this long without an appointment, and this doctor KNOWS i need to change my meds because i have TOLD HER my current ones aren't working as well anymore. I have been waiting THREE MONTHS to fix this, and now i have to wait ANOTHER MONTH.

unfortunately, i can't just NOT take these meds, cause in this case only half-working is far better than not working at all. but i feel like shit and it's affecting how much i'm able to fucking function day-to-day.

i hate this fucking doctor.

#echos #doctor moment #meds talk #rant #sorry i just. this is so fucking infuriating. #like i feel like she just genuinely does not care about her job #or her patients #which in this field is the absolute worst fucking mindset to have #fun slightly related fact: #this same doctor also said that there was no way i could be plural #because *we have in-sys communication* #she said that there was no way it could be possible that we could communicate within our own mind #you know. the mind that we share. #like i know that's the case with some systems obviously #but the good majority of systems i've spoken to have at least some form of internal communication #between at least two or more members #and we DO have barriers it's not like we can all just chat no problem #but she denied it because we were able to at all #what's funny is i was transferred to her because apparently she had the 'most experience' with treating dissociative disorders #you know how many patients she's had with any form of plurality???? #one. #not including me. #yeah sure she's got LOADS of experience. especially because me and the other guy have nothing in common #both in our systems and in our trauma and upbringing and current environment and living situation and school life and work life and #yeah i really don't like this doctor. #unfortunately when you live in the Middle Of Nowhere state there aren't really many options to choose from!!!!!!

[our-inspire-verse]

Me: oh rest! My body is so tired it cannot wait to unclench

My body the second it feels anything less than a PTSD inducing stress response that will remain with me the rest of life: seize up? Clench? Shake? Panic? Make the brain completely foggy and confused except for heartwrenching agony and sadness? Make flashbacks? CPTSD symptoms? Literal seizures triggered by distress?

#pleaese. im begging. #vent #negative #do not rb #seizures #ptsd #trauma #CPTSD #actually plural #like i know i dont mention systems in the post but i am one and also i think this is system related #I've been like. whimpering and unable to cry or fully panic for like an hour. just #rolling around whining jn pain like oh here it comes. here WHAT comes bestie??? its fine. im fine #what feels bad. im so miserable. im fine. whats WRONG. im dissociated so bad. so so bad. #i cannot recover bc i am incapable of feeling good. < trauma thoughts #im wrong and i know it but it doesn't make moments like this pass any faster or make them stop #i have to let myself feel like shit rn bc my body is making it happen and i have used any thing i physically can rn #feeding time in like 2 hours im literally sick im so excited. this WILL cure me #i havent recieved grounding and nurturing fulfillment of this nature(punIntended) in months. i miss my papa #i miss Crystal and Rufus and CHUCK should be out now!! chapa will be active in mere months and sally must be bacl in her spot too #i wanna see if the quail are still there. i miss feeling Keeper look at me. i miss the turtles even tho they're hibernating rn ill sense #i miss todd and gina and alicia. i havent seen alicia in. oh my god so long it hurts genuinely #im very mentlally ill about this place. Gary (ik ur real name but i call u this bc i love u) if you ever visit here please god make it to #feeding time i swear to god you will literally earn my trust 100% forever i will be like OHHHHHH So its fine then. literally instantly #im venting bc tumblr is a void but i know anyone can see this shit forever just. future me know that im fighting for YOU #everything gonna be okay. please tell me everything going to be okay. if i die before i can respond to this in the future i promise im tryin #and i love you so so much. it doesnt matter who read this im grabbing you DO YOU EVEN realize YOU ARE loved like have you really thought #about it today. you are LITERALLY LOVED more than you will ever evet ever know. did you know our core feelings snd thoughts and understandin #gs are about love bc love is literally the meaning of life

[raincamp]

omg i love when im talking about my feelings and —...wait what am i talking about again? why is everything suddenly blurry like im looking through fogged up glass? where am i? i feel like im sitting in the back of my head. whose body is this? whose house is this? whose thoughts are these?

ok, think, im in a room talking to someone... i can't remember why. oh no ive been silent for too long. how long has it been? fuck. theyre going to think something's wrong with me.

... wait what did they just say? i couldn't understand it, it sounded like a completely different language. why do they feel so unfamiliar? why do they feel so distant? its like theres miles and miles between us. they should try yelling so i can hear them from so far away.

its ok, its ok, ground yourself, youre okay. whats your name? what color is the carpet? can you hear birds outside? take a deep breath. its only your mind trying to protect you.

#bpd relatable #dissociation #disassociation #dissociative disorder #borderline #actually bpd #im not mentally stable #bpd struggles #actually mentally ill #bpd #borderline personality disorder #mental illness #trauma #ptsd #c ptsd #just cptsd things #relatable

[thedomesticanthropologist]

As a person with sexual trauma I actually really Vibe with the Drow Scene at the Brothel with Astarion and I wanna talk about my own experience to show how I relate.

When I'm not the one initiating, all sexual or romantic or intimate contact gets immediately translated into assault by my brain. That means if my partner of 18 years gropes my boob in the morning with a tired, affectionate grab, I may get caught off guard and snap, accusing them of crossing boundaries or otherwise "over" reacting, wherein I have to back peddle as soon as I can back off and secure myself mentally and physically out of reach.

But. If I am in the mood, I will crawl all over my partner, I'll touch, I'll invite touch, everything from gentle to rough- unless I get triggered. If I get triggered, I'll shut down halfway through whatever is going on. Mentally, I'll find myself in an escapist fantasy that is also sexual, change the partner that I'm with or who I am in my head, but my body tends to go kind of numb, I tend to go kind of limp. However,

During these situations, it doesn't always mean I want my partner to stop. It's frustrating for me to have these reactions, but I can get really upset if my partner backs off when I want to see the act "through" even if I'm not "in it". And that becomes a discussion of consent, as well as a really complex mental gymnastics situation where my partner has to decide if they want to continue when I'm kinda checked out, and I have to decide if I want to continue too.

Sometimes if my partner decides to stop because I'm not having fun, I can get angry. At myself, at them. It's not rational, it's angry at "the situation" and not them. Maybe I want to see you finish, but maybe I'll cry afterward.

The point with the Drow and Astarion is he wanted to try,he promised he would dip out if he didn't want to see it through, and he dissociated midway and didn't dip out like he said he would. This is sooooo real. Sometimes I don't want to stop even when I feed Bad and it's going Bad. That's a WHOLE can of worms for sexual trauma survivors and I know some people will resonate with it.

Maybe it'll affect what choices he makes next time. Maybe he won't try an orgy again. Maybe he will, and maybe it'll go bad again, but maybe he wants to explore even when things go bad. Or maybe he will go celibate for two years and not even want your hand on his unclothed skin, but he still wants you to be with him.

I'm just saying it's messy. Sexual trauma is messy. The mental parts and the physical parts. It may make your partner unsure because you switch on a dime, you're unpredictable, some things you want wholeheartedly one moment set you off in the negative the next.

I'd love to see more exploration of how hard his journey with himself could be on Tav, honestly, because people are being SO CAREFUL in their writing with making sure they don't make a single "mistake" in supporting Astarion, and it's sooooo sweet but

Give me messy. Give me grey area. Give me hurt feelings and miscommunication and bad moods and meltdowns. It's realistic, and it's okay to write about these things. //Yes you can reblog this

#baldurs gate 3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion bg3 #astarion romance