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chocolate-milfy · 2 years

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Just Take a Deep Breath (1)

trigger warnings: Questioning of reality

Notes: Oh geez- okay. I guess I Wrote something.. uhm. idk if its good but like- expect more?? sorry for punctuation and spelling errors- also I’m not an experienced writer- id love some constructive criticism!

Have you ever felt the need to prove that you’re real? As if nobody would believe this simple fact if you didn't explain it to them? If you didn't tell yourself that you were real, or that the world was real would you stop believing it? If someone told you they were real would you still doubt them? What makes someone or something real?

It's questions like these that make my brain tick. The questioning of one’s reality seems like it'd be enough to put someone on edge. Perhaps it's the way the questions are phrased, or how nobody’s answer can seem to satisfy me that draws me to ask these things. With little to nothing else to do it keeps me at ease. Who knows what I’d do if left with nothing but my own thoughts…I sigh. I think that's enough questioning of reality for now.

I sit up, my back aching from staying in the same position for hours. Oh, the joy of falling asleep on the floor. I know I’m due for a headache soon-

“You really need to stop doing that.” they pause, thinking “It’s the third time this week.”

“Cyrus-”

“Sarin.” Cyrus sighs “We aren’t debating this. It's unhealthy to let work consume you this much.”

Had it been work that I was doing before passing out? I don't remember. Looking to the table I see my notebook, my pen in the middle of the floor. I guess it really had been work keeping me up, but what was I working on?

“Cy-”

“You were trying to plan the meetings for next month.” They place a glass of water in front of me. “More specifically what they would consist of.”

“How far did I get?” I take a sip of the water.

“Take a look at your notebook.”

I picked up the old notebook. The front page is filled with scribbles of half-finished ideas and thoughts. Most of them are unusable or unreadable... I think that's a doodle of a sword. How tired was I?

“Jeez... I can't read half of this.” I complain.

“Luckily for you, I sat with you for about half of it and wrote down the things that worked.” Cyrus handed me a notebook page, their neat handwriting in dark orange.

“Thank you, Cyrus. I-”

“Don't thank me. I know you'd be up just as late tonight if I didn't” They sit next to me “Let’s finish this quickly. “ I nod and start listing off ideas for the meetings.

Cyrus; they always end up being there for me, whether it's writing down what I say or cooking for me I've always relied on them. Who thought that an Infeirnin and I could have gotten along this well? Though I think the others expected it after my arrival. That was so long ago.

It feels as if hours have gone by though it also just feels like a few minutes. How long had it actually been? I want to say half an hour but it just doesn’t feel right. What even does feel right anymore?

“We’re done!”

“Hm?-” Cyrus’s words had brought me back to reality.

“We’re done with the meeting schedule.”

“Oh- thanks, Cyrus-” I smile softly

“Anything for you, bud. I have to go and check on Kaida though, please take some time to relax.” they sigh

I nod and watch them walk away, lighting up the dark halls. We really need to get the lights fixed, but we haven't walked to the store in a while. I sigh, I know I should go and do it while I have the time, but do I want to go outside? What would the people say? Would I look good enough?

I walk over to the front window. Outside the wind was harshly blowing, the rain looking like mist. It looks like a good day for a walk, I can get the lightbulbs when I'm out. I walk over to the stars and tug on my shoes, which were resting on the bottom step. I think I've had them for a few years now.

When I get outside the rain hits my face, sticking to my glasses and blurring my vision slightly. I always loved this type of weather. Watching the raindrops fall down the windows in the dead of night has always been calming. I can always hear the pitter patter of the rain on the roof, as a kid I used to imagine it as bugs walking.. I miss the ignorance I used to have as a kid.

In Front of me is the familiar sight of the forest. The large oaks tower above me as the wind shakes their leaves. The canopy has always made the inside darker than the outside. If I stepped into the inky blackness what would happen? Would time stop? Would the darkness swallow me and cause me to get lost? Or would I simply step in and stand there, feeling like a fool? I’d prefer not to test it.

As silly as it may seem I still dread the sun setting, covering my town in a coat of black paint. This is why instead of entering the forest I take the long way around it, walking along the edge and staring inside, wondering.. What really lies where I cannot see? Cameras? Am I being watched? What would the viewers think of me?

The ringing sound of the town's bells brings me back to reality. It's a small town with some local shops and children running around. Their yelling stopped as I approached the gate.

“What is the purpose of your visit?”

“I need to get a pack of lightbulbs from the store.” I sigh. This routine happens every time. I get they want to be safe but this is just annoying.

“Put your hand on the scanner” They hastily shove a finger print reader in front of me, the plate growing a strange blue. I place my hand down and wait for the machine. “Sarin Miller?”

“Yes. That's me.”

“You may enter.”

#writing #oc writing #my writing #story #im sorry for this- lmaoo

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amazingmsme · 3 years

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For the horror ask thing, 3 and 20!

3. you're planning a horror movie marathon with your friends - which movies are you picking? The original Halloween & Nightmare on Elm Street first of all, those are my top faves. Room 1408, A Quiet Place, The Amityville Horror but the one with Ryan Reynolds, Delirium, Silence of the Lambs, What Lies Beneath, Bad Times at the El Royale, Kiss the Girls & probably a lot more that I can’t think of right now, but horror is like my favorite genre of film & I tend to prefer paranormal & psychological stories as well as more realistic ones like people being kidnapped or escaping a killer. Midsommar & The House that Jack Built are also fantastic films but both get extremely fucked up & graphic so I’d have to check with whoever I’m watching with. The Conjuring movies are all great & id probably have a marathon just for them

20. do you have any personal scary stories? something that happened to you or somebody close to you? I have way too many, you’d think being the only people who ever lived in this house would mean no ghosts, but you’d be wrong. But I’ll give some highlights:

-1 time when I was trying to leave my room as a kid, some orange nail polish shot out directly in front of my face & hit the wall before sliding down to the floor. With how fast it was going it 100% should’ve broke but it kind of stayed there for a second before falling down

-my sister heard & felt someone whisper in her ear that was pressed against her pillow

-I saw a tall man in my closet watching me dance in my room, this was around the time I was in middle school. To this day I’m still paranoid that I’ll see him if I go dance in there

-one time as a kid it was freezing outside but I still wanted to go out & play. My grandma was watching me while my mom took my sister to the doctor & I was playing out of sight from any window. My old dog Gabby was super protective & barked at everything, & out of nowhere this young woman appears, I’d say mid to late teens. For reference I was wearing 2 pairs of pants, a long sleeve shirt, a puffy jacket & a hat & gloves. This girl was wearing short shorts, a spaghetti strap tank top & was barefoot with no visible signs that she was cold. I was just frozen staring at her & she looked at me. I think she might’ve said she liked my dog but I can’t really remember. I looked over at Gabby & back at her & she was gone

-a few years ago when I stepped out of the shower, 3 full fingers were pressed into the steam on the mirror, but what’s really odd is that there was no palm mark. Of course I took a picture

-we have a tiny porcelain doll that’s haunted & I’m positive that’s where the little girl came from. She’s chilled out over the years but it used to be every time you talked about it, something would happen about 30 minutes after. Like our drapes would fly open, the tv would turn on, we heard a ringing that wasn’t our doorbell, weird shit like that. The guys my mom used to baby sit were terrified of her

-when I was like 3 I was staring at the cabinet she’s kept in & my mom asked what I was doing. She said I had this strange determined & stern look on my face & said “she needs to be standing up.” I was never a stubborn kid but I was adamant about it. After that the activity lessened by a lot

-also regarding the doll, my sister took some pictures of her on the first step in our pool for her photography class but no matter what, the teacher couldn’t open the files for the doll pictures. She could get the other ones but her computer would act very weird when she tried to see those specific ones

-everyone in my family has seen the little girl & even 1 of my sister’s friends saw her go to my room. I think only my sister & I have seen the man tho & he usually appears as a dark shadow, tho when he was in my closet I could see more detail like clothes, but his facial features were in shadow

-the girl looks like your basic horror movie child ghost, like I’m not shitting you. She’s got long dark hair & wears a white dress & whenever I see her the dress is usually the first thing I notice

-2 years ago my sister & I were at our house while my parents when you a high school reunion. We were chilling out by the pool when the chair sitting next to me scooted away from the table. I saw it happen & it freaked me out & my sister heard it & we were both scared. Idk why but I always just assumed they’d never go outside & so shit like that

-random objects can go missing & then appear right before your eyes, but not before you turn the house upside down first. I think they enjoy seeing us frustrated & it ticks me off

-we will hear people talking sometimes but you can’t really make out what they’re saying. If it’s more than 1 voice then it’s always a guy & girl’s voices

-I get touched by them the most out of my family & I fucking hate it. Get your fake dead hands OFF my body I do not like you. I’ve been touched in my house & a few times when I was hospitalized, & once this year at a guest house on vacation. The weird thing about the times in the hospital were that they all happened on the left side of my body. Hands down the worst part of it is when I can feel the size of the hands so I know if it’s a child or adult. & for some reason, ghosts like to touch you 1 finger at a time, 0/10 would recommend

-in my dad’s old house he said he could feel someone sitting on his bed with him & could even see the indention. He said he thought it was his Papaw. But when we go there I almost always get an unsettling vibe

-I made sure to save the best for last! This is my worst/scariest experience & I really hope my cousin doesn’t see this because it happened when they were here. But the younger one was in my room already asleep so I was just chilling on my phone in the dark. My phone illuminated the room just enough so I could see a few feet around me & I saw the girl at the foot of my bed. She had on that stupid white dress & her dark hair hung over her shoulders & hid her face. Then she grabbed the footboard & acted like she was about to fucking crawl up so I noped the fuck out & turned off my phone & proceeded to hide under the covers. Then I just… went to sleep? I mean I’ve been used to that shit all my life but I have no idea how I slept after that. I knew that if I got my mom then it would wake up my cousin & she’d know that something weird was up so I just ignored it the best I could. But you bet your ass I told Mom the next day

Like I said, I have a lot of stories & there’s still more I could share, but most stuff is pretty insignificant & I forget what exactly happened, but stuff does happen. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of shadows & I really hope that there’s nothing in my new apartment. But yeah, sorry this got so long!

#asks #horror asks #ask meme #ticklishfanart #horror stories #ghost stories #ghosts #scary stuff #scary movies

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ohalemalia · 5 years

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Choices - Part Two (Theo Raeken Imagine)

Pairing: Theo Raeken x Reader

Warnings: needles, violence, bondage (not in the fun sexy way you think pal), a (probably bad) make out scene (who am i? i dont write this stuff it writes itself apparently) Y/N is a big meanie to Scott ):

A\N:yeah so if you hadn’t heard i hadn’t planned on doing a part two but it was *youtuber voice* heavily requested by you guys so here ya go. ALSO I PROOF READ THIS??? AND EDITED IT??? well, i was lazy and i had a software read it to me and i made edits but it still counts and geez i can only guess what my writing usually sounds like. i know how to write i swear. i kind of combined two requests together but also did my own thing idk but this probably wouldn’t exist without @cokecola4211‘s requests soooo ye thanks

Word Count: 1844

Requests: cokecola4211 said to ohalemalia: TW imagine the reader is Scott sister and she isn't really a part of Scott pack even w/ her knowledge of the supernatural and she gets turned into a supernatural by Aiden when he is an Alpha and stuff like that and she gets turned into a werewolf and a kitsune or something or a wolf w/ purple eyes w/ powers and she likes her new look and abilities.

cokecola4211 said to ohalemalia:TW imagine the reader is Scott sister and she is betrayed by Scott when she comes back as chimera bcuz of the doctors and she sides w/ Theo bcuz of her old "pack/family" and she feels deeply hurt or betrayed or something like that.

The tunnels smelled like moldy sewer water and you could hear the faint dripping of a broken pipe. You stepped carefully, but you in the dead quiet of the space around you, your shoes hitting the water sounded louder than normal. You weren't sure what you were expecting to see--Theo lying face down in the shallow water or a seven foot beast waiting at the end of the tunnel--but you didn't see either of those. In fact, the tunnels looked untouched, like the last experience you had here didn't even happen.

Your shoe kicked something hard and metal. When you looked down, you got the confirmation that what had happened was real. It was a silver metal canister, the canister that released the smoke when your "friends" came to "rescue" you. But other than that, there was no sign of the Beast and more importantly, no sign of Theo.

Your phone began ringing in your pocket, the loud bells echoing throughout the tunnels and probably giving away your position to anyone in a fifty foot radius. You wrestled it out of your jacket, looked at the caller ID, and with a roll of your eyes tapped the answer button, and put it to your ear.

"What, Scott?"

"Y/N?" Scott's voice was grainy over the phone, "Y/N, where are you?"

"Why? So you can come and play hero?" You snorted, "Forget it."

"Y/N, I'm serious--"

"So am I Scott, don't try to find me."

"Y/N, listen to me--it's not safe for you--"

"Oh, but it's okay for Theo to be here?" You scoffed, "Double standards, Scott. Call me back when you're willing to live up to that True Alpha title. Or don't. I really don't care."

"Y/N--"

You didn't want to hear whatever protest Scott had. You hung up the phone and put it back in your pocket. You turned around with a sigh, and focused on trying to figure out how to find Theo. Right when you took your first step, you bumped into the chest of someone standing behind you. You knew who it had to be immediately.

"Theo? Oh my god! What--"

You looked up and you were not met with Theo's familiar face. In fact, there wasn't a face at all. You were looking straight at the metal helmet of one of the Dread Doctors.

"Subject condition--promising." Was all that it said. You backed away and turned to make a break for it, but it seized you by the arm and yanked you back.

"No! No! Stop! Let me go! Let me go!"

It obviously didn't listen to you. It wrapped a strong arm around your chest and held you tightly into place. You felt a sharp sting in the side of your neck and your body grew too heavy to support. Your eyes fluttered shut as you slumped into the Dread Doctor's arms and fell into darkness.

"Y/N, Y/N, come on, please wake up."

You felt warm hands caressing the sides of your face. You peeled your eyes open and were met by a look of relief on Theo's face.

"Oh my god," He sighed out, bowing his head down so you couldn't see his face, "Oh my god."

"Wh-what--"

"What were you doing out there, huh? I found you passed out in the middle of the tunnels. Well, I mean, I almost tripped over you--"

You looked around and found that you two were sitting Theo's car. The seat was pushed back so that you were laying down. It was dark outside, too dark to see. "How did you--where are we?"

"I managed to not get mauled and escape, so I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. The Beast it--" Theo shook his head, trying to piece the events together in his head, "It didn't kill me. I mean, it should've, but it didn't. It knocked me out and when I woke up I was in this weird underground lair, somewhere in the tunnels. I was alone, I was bleeding--"

You noticed dark red splotches on his white t-shirt, some bigger than others, but nonetheless most definitely the blood from his injuries.

"--I didn't know why it had me there, but I didn't want to wait to find out. I had to get out of there. Fast. It took a lot of stumbling around in the dark but I got out of there. I was running out and, like I said, I almost tripped over you lying there on the ground." Theo turned to look at you, a stern look in his eyes, "What the hell were you doing down there? I thought you got out."

"I had to come back for you," You explained, "Scott and them, they came to rescue me but they--they were going to leave you to die. I couldn't do that to you. No way."

You reached over to lace your fingers with Theo's. He watched your fingers slowly intertwine and then looked at you, a soft look in his eyes.

"You came back for me?"

You smiled, "Of course I did. I always will. I'm not going to leave you behind."

Theo was caught off guard by such a sentiment, since being left behind was all that he was used to.

Theo shook his head slightly, "But--but Scott's your pack--your alpha."

"I'm not his beta or his omega, I'm not even supernatural, Theo. He can't order me around. And if he was a true Alpha, he wouldn't have left you for dead."

You licked your lips as you considered your next thought, "Besides...maybe it's time I find a new pack."

Theo's brows furrowed at you, "A new pack?"

You looked at him through your eyelashes, "There's no one else I would protect with my life other than you."

Theo chuckled, "Yeah, I think you showed that when you risked your life to come back for me."

Theo tilted his head and looked at your for what seemed like a long time. The corner of his mouth quirked up into a small smile and he reached over to cup your face with his hand. His thumb brushed soft circles on your cheek as he whispered, "No one's ever done that for me. Human or not."

"Well I think you'll find this human has a little more bite in them," You leaned closer and looked down from his lips to his eyes, "Let me show you."

Theo gave you a slight nod, getting the double entendre, and leaned forward connecting your lips in a heated kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him over the console of the car and as close to you as he could get. Without breaking the kiss, he pulled his arms away from you. You were concerned at first, wondering why he didn't want to touch you, but you realized he was just taking off his jacket. Adrenaline kicked in as it hit you what was about to happen. Ideally, would you have liked your first time with Theo to happen in his car after you had spent the better part of the night passed out in a sewer and he had been nearly killed? No. But the pure adrenaline of it all was enough to spark the fire apparently. Teenage hormones.

You broke away briefly to pull your shirt over your head, leaving you sitting in Theo's car, panting heavily in your bra. Theo's eyes glazed over with pure adoration as his eyes raked over your body, but that pure adoration was soon converted into pure lust because you were back to locking lips in an instant.

"Y/N," You heard Theo muttered in between kisses.

"I don't want to talk anymore, Theo," You muttered back, "Just kiss me."

Theo chuckled against your lips, "I was going to suggest that we move to the backseat, where it's more comfortable so I can keep doing that."

"Oh," You stopped, "That works for me."

You both clamored into the backseat of Theo's car, and as soon as you touched the leather of that backseat it was back on. Theo climbed on top of you, his mouth peppering kisses down your neck.

You sighed out his name as your hands ran through his hair. It was all so right until Theo's mouth brushed against a certain spot on your neck that was colder than the others.

"Condition improving."

Your eyes shot open and you saw you were staring up at the grimy ceiling of the tunnels again. There were pipes criss-crossing on the ceiling and only one lightbulb hanging on a cord for a light source. It swung back and forth, casting sinister shadows around the room. Three Dread Doctors stood over you, ticking and whirring noises coming from them as if they were completely made of machinery.

"Subject shows signs of promise."

"We will perform further tests."

You tried to move, but found that your wrists and ankles were shackled down the table. There were also straps around your head and waist, preventing you from twisting in any sort of way. Your eyes darted around the room in a panic. You saw one of the Dread Doctors pick up a gruesome looking power saw and pass it to the other. The Dread Doctor turned the saw on, the whirring filled the concrete room.

"Ready to proceed with test."

The Dread Doctor brought the saw closer and closer to you and that's when you realised a part of your body was about to be sawed off and there was nothing you could do about it. You couldn't move. You couldn't scream. You could only watch in horror.

"No! No! Stop! Let me go! Get off!"

"Y/N? Hey what's--I'm off! I'm off! What's wrong?!"

"Get off of me! Stop! Let me go!" You swung your arms around, trying to fend the Doctors off.

"I'm not touching you, Y/N! Y/N! Hey! Stop!"

Someone grabbed your arms and when you came to, you were staring at a frightened (and shirtless) Theo. He held your wrists in his hands, both your chests were heaving.

"Wh-what happened? What?" You looked around and found you were still in Theo's car and not in the Dread Doctor's lair about to become a horrible science experiment.

"I should ask you the same thing," Theo's eyes widened as he got a good look at you.

"What? What is it?"

"Your eyes, Y/N."

You stared at him, waiting for more explanation but he offered none. You leaned over to the front of the car and brought down the sun visor. You slid the cover of the mirror over and were immediately hit with the bright yellow light the sun visor offered. But that wasn't the kicker.

Your eyes were glowing purple and where your regular teeth should've been were sharp rows of canines.

"You...might want to reconsider that "only a human" thing," Was all Theo said. You shifted your body to look at him. Your voice trembled as you asked,

"What happened to me?"

#teen wolf #teen wolf imagine #tw imagines #tw imagine #theo imagine #theo raeken imagines #theo x reader #theo raeken x reader #theo raeken x yn

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thegurlbehindthesmile · 3 years

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Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

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yersina · 6 years

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i’m gonna switch it up again and do a iphone x review? i was recently surprised with one by my parents and i’ve had it for a little less than a week now, so i thought i’d put my thoughts down.

so i’m going to preface this by saying that i liked my previous phone. i actually had a iphone 7 before, so i’m not going to be complaining about the headphone jack in this one, since i’ve gotten (somewhat) used to it, and I actually didn’t really want an x? so i’m also going into this review with really neutral feelings (in that the negative balance the positive, not that i have no feelings. :P)

so i think my first comment is going to be about the lack of a home button, cause, well. it’s kind of a glaringly obvious feature. it’s not actually that bad? it’s kind of hard to get used to just tapping the screen to turn it on, but i mostly make use of the raise to wake feature, so it doesn’t bother me too much. also, the way that they describe the way to access the “switching apps” screen (previously accessed by double pressing the home button) is way harder than it needs to be? you basically just need to swipe up and to the side, you don’t really need to like. wait or something. also! while you’re on the switching apps screen, the thing that really really ticks me off now is that you have to wait to close apps? like, before, you could just close them by swiping up, but now i have to like hold it for a second before like a small minus sign comes up in the corner, and then i can close them by swiping up? it’s really inconvenient cause i’ve definitely gotten used to being able to just close apps right away. it’s kind of a small thing though. and if you’re really really bothered by the lack of a home button, there’s a function (available in all iphones) in accessibility called like assistivetouch or something? and basically it creates this circle that you can drag to where the home button used to be and set it to function like your home button used to function.

a thing that’s kind of inconvenient that i didn’t discover until last night while i was lying in bed with a textbook (because that’s my life now) is that like if one side (specifically the side with the on button) of your phone is lying on a hard surface and you try to turn up the volume, chances are that you’re going to take a screenshot instead. but it’s like kind of an obscure circumstance? so idk if anyone’s going to be really bothered by it.

i’m trying to remember any other negative things that i have to say about it, and i can’t really remember any off the top of my head, so now i’m going to move on to thing that i like. :P

it’s a really really pretty phone. the way that the camera juts out is kind of inconvenient but overall, its design looks really good? maybe it’s just me. i spent the first few days without a case (see above for how i was surprised by the phone) cause i had to wait for it to arrive, and during those days, i kind of got a real appreciation for how the phone itself looks? I think it just looks nice. :P also the glass allows it to wirelessly charge (the point of which i don’t really get, so i don’t use it, but if you do, hey, go for it) so it looks pretty and it’s useful.

i remembered while i was typing the previous paragraph that face id is a thing that I should maybe talk about? so. i have mixed feelings about it? on the one hand, it works really well and it’s actually really good for me cause like touch id doesn’t work for like half the year for me cause my hands get really dry and peel in the winter, so that’s one problem solved, but on the other hand, it doesn’t work super well in the dark (unless your screen brightness is high enough to illuminate your face sufficiently) and i can actually open my mom’s phone (no, we did not spend $2k+ on two phones (it was a 2 for 1 deal) that would be even more ridiculous than a $1k+ phone) with my face...? it doesn’t work for anyone else in the family, just me, but we don’t look super alike? we haven’t really tried with anyone else, but it’s a bit worrisome. other than that, I think it works really really well. it reduces the need for like 5 fingerprints in your phone depending on how you’re holding it, but i think it’s also inconvenient for people who tend to like to open their phone from like. where it’s sitting on the table slightly away from them? there is still the password though.

the camera is also really really good. I’m really really nearsighted (if i took off my glasses, my eyesight i think would be considered legally blind? over legally blind. probably.) so idk if this is different for someone without glasses/visual impairment, but the largest zoom on the camera (10x) is actually better than what my eyes can see (with the glasses, of course). my previous phone (iphone 7) could focus to about what my eyes can see. so in my book, that’s pretty damn impressive. also, in general, it just takes really nice pictures. i personally haven’t tried it, but some of my friends borrowed my phone to test out to portrait mode, and i think it looks pretty nice, so that’s a point in its favor too.

i don’t think i know enough about screens, and the difference with the iphone x, to be able to competently (or not) talk about it, so i’m not going to touch on that, sorry.

overall, it’s a really nice phone. if you have a thousand dollars to spare, and you really really want it, i say go for it cause it’s not an awful phone to have. otherwise, i’d suggest waiting for whatever phone is going to come next, or maybe just getting the 6s (which has both a home button and a headphone jack, yay).

also! sorry, i forgot. uh, so the thing that you usually swipe up from the bottom to get--the control center?--was moved to the top right corner of the screen. and just the top right. so you still swipe from the (middle) top to get to like the notifications/lock screen view, but if you swipe from the top right (but not top left) it pulls up the control center (i still don’t know if i’m using the right term). it’s really weird? and like hard to get used to. but yeah. wanted to mention that cause I think a lot of people don’t know about it.

#nook reviews #iphone x #review #great but not amazing

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wazm · 4 years

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kinda lost blog

I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...

what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...

i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...

my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...

really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...

im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..

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