#and it reminded me of how im so isolated from other queer people and spaces 😔

[pearl-likes-pi]

i honestly dont know hoe to say this, but you really had a hand in shaping my brai chemistry while i was growing up, no kidding. i remember when i was 13 or so and whenever you posted a pearl rap career chapter it would unironicaly make my day (specially when you dropped the peridot chapter i had a stomach infection or smth, so that video and the last one out of beach city episode were on replay for me for a few days). its really weird seeing that rebecca managed to make a safe space for lgbt folks (it was really hard for me to accept myself as gay, it seems really simple nowadays but back then it was so discomforting to even thinm about it so su and its fandom, and by some extent, your vids, helped me externalize some feelings or queernes i guess, do you remeber when someone said your video editing was raw and masculine? lol). anyways, its wild to think i was in 5th grade when i first watched laser light canon and now im finishing my journalism course in college and seeing how this show raised me in some way and helped me to be aware of my own mental health i only have good memories, thankfully, and its really sad to see that it ended, but i honestly wouldnt have had it any other way. its kind of a long rant but id like to thank you, mackenzie, your videos made me laugh a lot when i was a teen and they still make me now. this show was truly a gift, it made us connect to something bigger and magical. this was kind of a long rant since ive kinda forgotten that su existed and remined that it existed because of some dreams lol. i remembered back then when i was super anxious about the cluster episode, i remeber checking your tumblr everyday and seeing fanon content. i really dont know how to express myself since english is not my first language and i tend to ramble on a lot on my native one, but id like to say youve made me smile a lot, it was so cool seeing you present the su podcast and being an intern at CN. i honestly wish you the best.

Dude it means so much to hear that my lil shitposts have had an impact on people!!!! I completely understand where youre coming from re: SU's impact on your life (and acceptance of queer identity) and feel the same way!!! im so grateful for this show and everything it represents. in a world without Steven Universe my current life would be completely unrecognizable. like genuinely I dont think any single aspect of my life would be the way it is without SU. which is nuts but it's true!!!

I love engaging with this community and it gave me a lot of support when I was at a place in my life where I felt pretty isolated. I'm kind of rambling now too but this seriously has been sitting in my inbox for a bit now and I just knew i needed to respond and say thank you for sharing. <3

ALSO LMAO I FORGOT ABT THE RAW AND MASCULINE COMMENT THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HAHA

[genderqueerdykes]

Im nonbinary and i feel ashamed of being amab.

Even ignoring dysphoria, the expectations of being a guy as well as being too scared to...well do anything that might affirm me is really getting to me, especially as it feels like afab nonbinary people are far more common and im left feeling isolated (made even worse by any gender envy i get only coming from them so i feel like i never will be happy with my gender because of my agab).

how do i deal with this?

hello there! Thanks for taking the time to stop by!

i wanted to say from the bottom of my heart that i am sorry that people have made you feel this way, because it's not just you having those feelings. people have made it difficult for amab nonbinary people to have a voice and a place to speak for themselves due to a lot of bullshit. i understand feeling isolated, it's hard to network with other people like yourself when you constantly feel pushed out of every space you try to occupy

the fact that a lot of people think that being nonbinary is just a thing that afab people do or a "weird girl thing" is frustrating, it sucks because you really do encounter it. it's not true though- given the absolutely massive amount of amab nonbinary people i've met both online and in person, it's not that amab nonbinary people don't exist, it's just that no one will give you room to speak and that is bullshit

i would recommend trying to see if there are any transfem support groups in your area as that would probably be the highest concentration of people who are the likeliest to understand your situation. you can also look out for nonbinary support groups, but i totally understand your apprehension. it helps to try to start with people who are the most likely to get you. i would honestly also recommend just taking up space in whatever queer communities you find if you can. it's hard, but you do deserve a chance to take up that space and it may help someone else feel less alone in the process

you are just as nonbinary as any person of any other agab. your agab is your dearest secret and nobody has the right to exile you from any queer spaces based off of that. your agab means nothing about your intentions, personality, or anything- your agab is just some organs and reproductive health systems. whether or not you have that body from birth or because of hormones and surgery is nobody's business

you have the right to talk about the nonbinary experience and how unique it is to your agab, especially. remind yourself that anyone outside of that experience doesn't know what it's like. i don't know what it's like, because i'm not amab. those people are not the expert on what it's like to live this life. you are. let yourself be that expert. let yourself be judge

there are a million ways to be trans and no agab owns nonbinaryhood. common public conceptions of identities and concepts are often heavily biased and skewed. in time as we see folks become braver, people will begin to understand that amab people are just as likely to identify as nonbinary as anyone else. trust me, i have met so many. you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination

you are also welcome to join my discord server, if you're not already in it! it's not a solution to having irl community, but having an online support group can help a lot!

there's no reason to be ashamed, you are a beautiful individual with an identity that is just as incredible. i hope your shame can turn to pride, you have an experience that is worth blessing the world with. take care of yourself for now. do the best you can to remind yourself that you are defining the trans experience just by existing. other people can talk shit all they want, but you know who you are. keep your chin up, you're awesome. have a great week

#asks #answers #nonbinary #enby #amab nonbinary #amab enby

[liamslarents]

.

#god. so i just spent the last two days with my best friend #and she’s an absolute angel sent to me from god above <3 #she’s so understanding and i can talk to her abt anything <3 #but today i was talking about some ✨ queer✨ things…and she just kept saying ‘wdym?’ #and. i thought that she would just get it. because normally she /does/ #she just clicks right to it #but…ig today i was talking abt some rlly in depth feelings. and she just didnt get it #and it reminded me of how im so isolated from other queer people and spaces 😔 #like. i have to result to talking to all the cishet ppl in my life and it just always ends in disaster #like. my brain turns to chaos every time :/ #and i just shut down. and i think abt how i wish i never came out sometimes etc fucked up shit like that #and also the constant ppl assuming i’m str8 everyday doesn’t help. and like the way they talk to me abt it exhausts me #and having to explain myself to cishets all day is so draining and exhausting. (my mom for example) #like i don’t /have/ to but. good god. ljke 😩🤩😔 #i can’t even explain what its doing to me #like. i wish i just had….queer people in my life i could be around to make it a bit easier sometimes ://// #i miss it when i did. :( it was so nice to not feel so isolated i guess #sigh <3 #gabrielle gabs on

[coureirsix]

ty for everything youve discussed tonight and the sheer amount of support u give for poc i cant even begin to know how insane it must be to have been literally in contact with the person who perpetrated everything and have your advice and WORDS just taken out of context and ignored. this whole thing reminded me how isolated i used to feel long ago when i actually used to attend spn cons as like a baby in middle/high school and was just surrounded by a largely white crowd. im egyptian and from toronto and it's super diverse here in reality, but when i would attend the cons id feel so insanely alone every time (id go alone, my friends arent spn fans LMAO). i would watch SO MANY girls make brand new friends within the weekend and i could count on one hand the amount of woc id actually pick out in the crowd and i always noticed how ALONE we were. it's very hard to put into words, like the cons were fun during events but the whole exp really put into perspective how much it fucking sucks when ur surrounded by people that cant rly help but look down on u ?? like there was this feeling otherness i always felt being there despite how dorky the whole event actually is and how much of a loser we all were lol. i hadnt attended in years at this point and i actually ended up being part of the crowd that stopped watching circa 2017/2018 bc the queer-baiting and mistreatment of poc was just overwhelming to me within canon and came back for nov 5 🤡. anyway im RAMBLING but i just wanted to say since coming back ive found so many amazing poc creators and hilarious, smart people i can actually relate to and have had similar experiences and backgrounds as me. i never used to see people discussing the insane amount of racism+transphobia within the fanbase when i was in high school and it sucks (and is exhausting) that it's the people affected by it that actually engage in the discourse repeatedly but it's still a comfort to see people care similarly about the same things as i do. so ty for that<3 i'm finally having the fan community experience i wish i had back then.

listen i get that, too!! i have never been to an spn con but im a big fan of like, big bands with a huge white following so showing up to a place FILLED with hundreds if white faces absolutely makes you feel small. i have been there, friend. i understand.

and i agree! thankfully people are like, actually more willing to talk about this because ive BEEN there where you even begin to talk about racism and white people IMMEDIATELY get uncomfortable and now you’re the bad guy for even bringing the subject up. especially in fandom spaces where you couldn’t say anything or else you’d get bombarded with white “fandom is a place to have fun!!” and “ugh im in fandom to get AWAY with real life politics!!” like ok, Ashleighayy-Muhriey let me just take off my brown skin and features then. 

and im GLAD... im SO glad you’re having a good time this second time around. it is what you deserve! (we are all clowns that came back after nov 5  🤡) 

#pinkinthenightdean #these are not the asks you are looking for

[ryttu3k]

Part 2 of my season 12 reaction posts! Find part 1 (Resolution of the Daleks to Fugitive of the Judoon) here!

Praxeus

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Praxeus!

OKAY FIRST. THANK YOU, SHOW, FOR FIXING A BIG ISSUE I HAD WITH THE FIRST SEASON. So they were doing a thing where they’d introduce incidentally queer characters, have a female character mention her wife, stuff like that, only for them to die. This episode had Jake and Adam, married/separated/it’s complicated couple, who face huge amounts of danger, who both come close to dying, but who survive! And have a Big Damn Kiss! And walk off together holding hands! They survived!!

Plotwise, I enjoyed it a ton while watching, although in retrospect it did feel a bit free of danger. The companions were never in true peril because the Doctor can home in on them automatically, and we never got the true scale of the risk of infection, since the only people we saw get infected were in isolated areas. I would have liked to see, for instance, the threat of Praxeus spreading beyond just the very Hitchcockian birds; all of the peril was on an individual level.

Good message, if unsubtle. Mind you, that’s kind of Doctor Who’s thing, and it pisses off conservatives, so all for it, really XD (They must have loved the core relationship in this episode, too!) Like. Subtle doesn’t work. There are literally climate change deniers that exist. Sometimes you actually do have to tell a message with all the finesse of a sledgehammer because .

(Side note, I was deeply concerned when I saw the cowriter was the guy who did the hot mess that was Kerblam!, so at least this was just an unsubtle and kind of questionably written story instead of an actively harmful one.)

The companions: Ryan seems a fair bit more confident on his own? His initial scenes with Gabriela showed that he’s starting to work well even without backup, and picking up the bird proved to be a damn good call. Yaz and Graham were a fun pair, and Yaz got a lot to do when she and Gabriela (again!) got to explore, and I can definitely understand the conflict between curiosity/doing what’s right and safety when it came to the teleport scene. She does seem to be bordering on the reckless. Intriguing!

Minor plot snag - Graham knows how to set up an IV, presumably because of the shitload of time he spent in hospital! …And yet he doesn’t know what a pathogen is?

Friend note!

“fun fact about graham seemingly not knowing what a pathogen is! in my reading of the scene, i saw it as graham knowing what one was. with "Well, I’m glad you asked that…!” he seems like he’s actually sort of pleased with himself, like he’s about to launch into an explanation, and then IIRC there’s a very brief shot at Ryan giving him a Look and Graham immediately changes tone to “…cause I didn’t want to look stupid.” he immediately changes from boosting his own ego to bolstering ryans and im love"

In which case, good shit gooood shit.

SFX - the infection was creepy as shit. The very obviously puppet bird near the lab was hilariously bad.

Apparently the filming was tricky because it was super windy so all the shorts of Thirteen with her hair Like That weren’t planned, it just kind of happened. Love a fluffy ruffled Thirteen.

So anyway. People calling for more plot focus - literally this is the Doctor trying to distract herself and not focus on the plot! This is her avoidance tactic! Emotional honesty? Who’s she? She’ll get back to it eventually, but for now she needs a distraction after being punched in the emotions. Give her that for one episode, c'mon.

Ryan: “…I do a lot of running.”

Graham: “Whatever is giving off those weird readings… is on the other side of that wall!” Yaz: *silently turns scanner around* Graham, not skipping a beat: “…is on the other side of that door!”

Yaz: “I don’t want you to panic, but… we followed one of those things through a teleport and now I think we’re on an alien planet.” Thirteen: “…well, you don’t do things by halves!”

Thirteen: “That’s why you smell of dead bird! I thought you’d changed your shower gel.”

Thirteen: “I’m having half a thought. Ooh, this one tickles!”

Thirteen: “What can I say? I’m a romantic~”

In conclusion, Doctor Who said gay rights.

-

Can You Hear Me?

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Can You Hear Me?

Trigger warning for discussion of depression and suicide.

You know you're in for a wild ride when iView warns for horror themes instead of science fiction themes.

Overall: at first impression, it felt sort of mashed together? There's 14th century Aleppo, and there's 21st century Sheffield, and there's a deep space station, and there's creepy monsters and dream villains; I do kind of wonder why Zellin targeted a random girl in Aleppo as source for his pet monster, although targeting people like Ryan's best friend makes sense if he's deliberately trying to lure the Doctor to him.

The theme, on the other hand, of mental health resiliance and reaching out, was done incredibly well. Oh yeah there'll be more comments about it - the Guardian described it as 'adventures in Wokeness' - but damn, sometimes you need to hear it. I loved getting more of Yaz' backstory, about being a desperate teenage runaway at the point of being suicidal, and her reunion with the older woman legitimately made me tear up.

But like, goddamn. Her nightmare - she's still hearing that. She's still hearing her sister saying that she should "do it right this time" and that this time she won't call and that no one is coming and holy fuck. God this makes so many of Yaz' scenes incredibly painful in retrospect, knowing that she was at that point only three years before and that she's still dreaming that shit! It makes her recklessness terrifying!

Ryan's nightmare, and his experience with Tibo - it's quite reflective of the Doctor, too. She wasn't there, and Gallifrey burnt. And Ryan is realising this now, and really thinking about the potential future in Orphan 55. I think this is absolutely foreshadowing Ryan leaving at the end of the season (there's been a lot of speculation given Tosin's new TV role), and I think Ryan and Yaz' discussion at the end of the episode was a definite hint in the direction of Ryan choosing to going back to Earth.

Would have really liked Graham, during his talk with the Doctor, to gently remind her that she can talk about her own problems, although I can understand the narrative choice on why she didn't (although, yeah, would have been good for Graham to ask). Because, yeah, if anyone needs a sympathetic ear (...sans fingers) or a shoulder to lean on, it's her!! The entire theme of this episode was like... reaching out. Conquering your fears with the help of others. Sharing your fears to lessen them. Getting help. And the Doctor deliberately... not doing that makes it into an actual Thing that I think is going to seriously be addressed by the end of the season.

It's been such an ongoing theme. A bunch of episodes have started with an obviously depressed Doctor. The Fam has tried to raise the issue multiple times and have discussed it amongst themselves even more. Scenes like Yaz' reaction after being abducted in Spyfall (...which makes her, "I thought I was dead" part even more worrying) and being comforted by Ryan, not the Doctor... her whole reaction to Graham being like, "I'm glad you talked to me but I literally can't do the same in return" - if it's not addressed by the end of this season, it's at least going to have to be an ongoing theme, because it's becoming very deliberate now.

An interesting note: the actor who played Zellin (an immortal manipulator of nightmares) also voiced the Remnants (who were the first to mention the Timeless Child in The Ghost Monument). Coincidence or deliberate?

Assorted thoughts:

"I'm still quite socially awkward." There's socially awkward and there's emotionally repressed... (I saw a description of it on Tumblr as 'weaponised dissociation' and... yeah. And also yikes.) Also the way she was so closed in on herself, basically hugging her arms to her body! On a semi-related note, talking to herself in Aleppo was a bit depressing. Like it's continuing the theme of The Doctor Does Not Like Being Alone.

The finger thing - ew ew ew ew it's in their EARS ewww D:

Stylistic comment: the traditionally-styled animation for the Immortals' game was gorgeous.

"Try not freak out, yeah, but you're on a floating space platform trapped in a gravitational pull between two colliding planets."

"Thanks for lending a helping hand!" Companions just being, "...Doctor p l s."

On an old lore note, loved the callback to Eternals, Guardians, and the Toymaker! On a concerning note, man, the Doctor has so many issues with immortals. They abandoned Jack, there was the punishment they gave the Family of Blood, they had those Issues with Ashildr (from what I've read), now this, an eternal punishment with no chance of redemption, perhaps because she knows what immortality does? Parallels with the Doctor as quasi-immortal too, which Zellin even pointed out.

"You're wrong about humans. They're not pathetic. They're magnificent. They live with their fears, doubts, guilt. They face them down everyday and they prevail. That's not weakness. That's strength. That's what humanity is."

(Contrast: "That's what humanity is." The Doctor isn't human. She's not prevailing against her fears, doubts, and guilt.)

In conclusion, literally everyone but the creepy immortals needs a hug.

-

The Haunting of Villa Diodati

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Haunting Of Villa Diodati!

tfw you think you're just going to get a nice spoopy historical and instead get major plot?

Overall impression: Well, Jack is going to be pretty miffed, given that the Doctor had to do precisely what he didn't want to happen - giving the Lone Cyberman what it wanted. To save Shelley, and also to save the future, although that does bring up the question on if the death of one person can rewrite the future, why doesn't that apply to literally everyone? Fletcher the valet and Elise the nurse died too, do their deaths have the same impact? Either way, the Doctor takes the Cyberium for herself - then realises that the Cybermen are inevitable, and returns it. And now she's trying to go and stop them. So... a bit conflicting in the message there, I think.

Yeah. Bit of a Trolley Problem there.

The characters were really fun. I did enjoy seeing Mary's sense of morbidness, but also her kindness and sympathy towards the Cyberman; you can see the foundations of Frankenstein there. I'm seeing some criticism of how Byron was portrayed as a coward, but eh. Nice little callback to Ada. Also I love how one of the rules was 'no one snog Byron'. Put that dirty boy back, you don't know where he's been! Glad Claire realised that too, although historically, she was already pregnant with his daughter at that point (and that didn't go well at all)... Either way. Good display of all these bright young reckless things.

(And yes, they were young. Byron was the eldest at 28. Shelley was 23, Polidori was 20, Mary and Claire were just 18. And while Claire lived to 80 and Mary to her 50s, the three men all died young, too - Byron at 36, Shelley at 29 - yes, from drowning, Polidori at just 25. Also wasn't mentioned that Polidori also created something on that Dark And Stormy Night along with Mary's Frankenstein - he wrote The Vampyre, the first modern vampire story!)

The Lone Cyberman (and I am deliberately using that instead of 'Ashad') - creepy as shit. Not just the whole Frankenstein look, but the way he acted! Not emotionless and blank, but actively manipulative and sadistic! Mary showed empathy and he actively threw it back in her face! I mean, yikes.

House was terrific and also spooky as hell. (Am lowkey miffed that no one went "VIBE CHECK!") The jumbled layout was quite Castrovalva, and I actually really dig that Graham got to see some actual ghosts. Ghostly sandwiches!

I think we got actual confirmation here that Yaz does have feelings for the Doctor? (Bleeding Cool News is pretty sure that it was for Ryan, but... lmao no.) BBCA twitter certainly thinks so!

Claire: "His answers only increase the enigma." Yaz: "I know someone like that." Claire: "This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?" Yaz: "My person's a bit different..."

I MEAN.

(It got deleted. So. There is that.)

Thirteen: "Hmm. Fourteenth... no. Fifteenth century... touch more umami." (Doctor, have you been playing Detroit: Become Human again?)

Mary: "I don't think they're really from the colonies!" Byron: "No, she... is from somewhere much, much stranger." Polidori: "The North."

Thirteen: "YOU HAD ONE JOB."

Cyberman: "You appear courageous. But your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety." Thirteen: "Or as I like to call it... Tuesday."

Thirteen: "Yeah, 'cause sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit, in the stratosphere, alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now, or tomorrow. Sometimes even I can't win."

Claire: "You pursued Mrs Doctor without a care for my presence, belittled my thoughts and opinions... and then proceeded to use my person as a human shield." Byron: "...And?" Claire: "And the spell is broken... my lord." Polidori's face: "haha you fucked up dude"

Next week: Shit Hits The Fan.

-

Ascension of the Cybermen

In lieu of a proper post for Ascension of the Cybermen, here are a list of questions we need an answer for.

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

What is the Boundary?

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Are there any other large human populations left?

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

What's up with Yaz?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

-

The Timeless Children

WELL THEN.

While I gather proper thoughts on The Timeless Children, here are the questions I had from Ascension of the Cybermen, now with answers!

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Yup! Disguises for the win!

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

Brendan is a filtered overlay memory of one of the Doctor's former lives.

What is the Boundary?

An anomaly, as far as I can tell.

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

No idea!

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

No idea!

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

A big damn hero.

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

We're still not actually sure. Either way, he's an action figure now.

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

Yeah, sort of.

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Because Time Lords.

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

It's probably related technology! If the chameleon arch rewrites memories, this one just wipes them.

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Just warzone familiarity. Poor li'l bean.

Are there any other large human populations left?

Possibly! If the Boundary really did send them to random places, there still could be surviving pockets elsewhere in the universe.

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

Maybe a bit XD And now they're all on Earth, who knows?

What's up with Yaz?

Who knows?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Ko Sharmus sent it. Didn't send it far enough.

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

Same organisation Ko Sharmus is part of. Also, young!Ko Sharmus/Jack please.

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

In so many ways.

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

The Doctor!

More thoughts later!

-

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Timeless Children.

...Actually, first thought is the title. Timeless Children? Hmm.

Anyway. That is... sure a literally mind-blowing revelation for the Doctor, yes! Like, damn, the discovery that you're not even the species you thought you were, that your adoptive parent spent lifetimes abusing and experimenting on you, that your memories were routinely erased by people you thought you could trust (including your adoptive parent), that you're literally the progenitor for your entire species, that you've lost who knows how much time and who knows how many memories... yeah. Damn.

What's an appropriate birthday present for someone turning ten million?

Also, huh. Amidst all the old lore and casual mentions (like Borusa!) that got mentioned - were they taking hints from the Cartmel master plan? About the Doctor being some kind of founding figure for Gallifrey? Not exactly written as Cartmel had it, but that big main concept of the Doctor as a sort of... foundation piece of Time Lord culture was still actually there.

Brain of Morbius Doctors confirmed, I guess. I guess even Four was going, "...the fuck?"

Cybermen = still scary. Regenerating Cybermen = felt somehow obscene. Like, no, that's just fundamentally not right. Like the TARDIS responding to Jack by noping the fuck out kind of not right. God. And the Master was completely and utterly magnificently batshit, like, more than usual, come on, dude, you know they'd kill or convert you the second you turned your back.

Still. Deeply, deeply entertaining to watch just from a villain perspective, completely Chaotic, and like... I do understand where he was coming from? His entire life is a lie. His entire life is because of the Doctor, who, I think it's fair to say, he has Complicated Feelings regarding. (Their entire interaction this episode was a giant power play. Like damn guys just get into BDSM and leave the would-be genocide and universal takeover.)

Tecteun = Rassilon, I'm assuming. Goddamn. Like they were a pompous abusive asshole from the outset, this just kind of makes it worse. I also wonder if Rassilon chose the Master specifically to get the drums because he was friends with the Doctor? That actually may have been something the Master worked out himself, too. I mean, I'd be pissed off as well :-\

Also, how many people know about this? I assume Gat knew, since she was implied to be responsible for the mind wipes, but was it like... a super tightly-held secret or was it something a lot of higher-ups knew? Because that's fucked up tbh

Thought on the Master. Okay, he's hugely furious that he's been lied to, that the entire origin of his people is based on a lie, that his greatest friendrivalloveenemy is incredibly special and that a part of her is in him and not in the fun way, but like... I'm also wondering if he's looking at the Time Lords, the way they turned him into their puppet, how they drove him insane for their own purposes, then looked at the Doctor - someone who has also been used, abused, experimented on, manipulated, controlled, and went, "No. This is an injustice and the Time Lords need to be punished for it."

Oh, saw a nice theory regarding the TARDISes - Ruth!Doctor had the original busted police box TARDIS. When she was eventually taken in to be mind-erased, they sent the TARDIS off to storage to be eventually repaired. The Doctor manages to steal that one, goes to Earth, and it immediately gets stuck again because it's still broken. Explains how Ruth!Doctor can have the police box while also being pre-everything.

I really want the Doctor and Jack to sit down and have a nice chat about being timeless undying constants of the universe. Also for Jack to get one of the spare TARDISes around. Be kinda funny if he got the Master's old one, given the Year That Never Was, but it really is just sitting there. (Poor TARDIS stuck as a tree on a random wartorn planet in the far future, though!)

Also, Jodie was fucking magnificent in this episode. The hurt, the absolute fury, the almost glee when she's telling the Master he can't break her, her refusal to press the button at the end (so much like Nine's "coward or killer?" moment!)... just... so good.

Beautiful post I saw here on Tumblr - the Doctor as the Timeless Child, making the choice to help.

Amazing post here on Tumblr about abuse and repressed memories. Even if the Doctor doesn't remember it all, the abuse they underwent at the hands of a beloved parent figure still informs a hell of a lot of their behaviour, but it doesn't define them. The Doctor's need to run = informed by abuse. The Doctor's desire to help crying children = informed by abuse. The Doctor being an inherently good person = being their own person, no matter what their upbringing, no matter what their past was. They made the choice to be the Doctor, and that's a hell of an important thing.

Extremely painful post I saw on Tumblr about the Doctor being 'hip with the kids' by calling her companions her Fam but hell if they're not more family to her than her actual adoptive mother ow my heart.

Also, the scene between Yaz and Graham was so sweet <3 I do want to see Yaz, at some point, admit that sometimes she's so terrified she can barely move, and to tell him what she came so close to doing when she was sixteen, and Graham to just go, "Yeah, but you keep going." Also I'm trying not to think about how Yaz would respond to the Doctor going off on a suicide mission when Yaz was suicidal just three years earlier because ow my heart. She knows that Ko Sharmus went after her, she knows the Doctor might be alive, but either way, she's just seen someone she loves leave with the intention of dying (and Ko Sharmus too, actually). Someone please give her a hug. Actually please just let the Fam have a big group hug in general.

"Have you ever been limited by who you were before?" "Huh. Now that does sound like me talking."

So, remaining questions to be answered next season!

What actually is the Doctor? Since they were found near the Boundary, they could be from anywhere. It's fair to say they now are recognised genetically as a Time Lord, but what were they originally, why were they abandoned in the first place, and are there any more of their original people out there?

How do the Remnants know about the Timeless Child, or were they just picking up on that unconscious knowledge from the Doctor's own mind?

Like... we're generally under agreement that the Master, the eternal cockroach, survived, right? Despite definitely being lowkey suicidal like oh, was hoping the Death Particle would kill me? Like the Death Particle was made by the Cyberium, it could have gone, "Nah, keeping this one."

What's going on with the Kasaavin? Remember them? Still out there, stationed all through time and space? And are we going to see Daniel Barton again?

Is something going on with Yaz?

Will the Fam stay on? (I personally think Ryan will elect to stay on Earth to account for Tosin Cole's new TV role, and if Graham and Ravio enter a relationship, he might too.)

When will we see Jack again? If he was connected to the Lone Cyberman arc, that seems... pretty conclusively finished, unless we're going to learn more about it?

Is it Christmas yet?

............so the Christmas/NY special is going to start with Jack using his vortex manipulator to bust the Doctor out of prison and get back to the Fam and it'll never be mentioned again, right.

"At least buy me diNNER!!"

#doctor who #companion love #best enemies #long post

[thelunarfeline]

I still only feel comfortable blogging here

thinking too much about goals and the next years. its so strong because the past year (two years?) have been such a limbo state for me.  I feel like a dog being held on a leash and I’m running in place so excited to be let free.

 I want to say I’d delete this but I know that this writing will be permanent and public and that will make me more accountable. it's like writing my dreams and goals on a wall or on in a letter left out on a shrine. I’ll never know if anyone is looking but I know that anyone can see it and that makes it more real. Out of my head. Real. BUT this got very long so ..... 

first off, I don't think a day goes by that I don’t imagine what having my own apartment will be like. It’s getting so close. I want to have an office. I want to have a space that I go to work and it's not the same space I sleep in. I want to have all of my books and art supplies in clear view. I want to have that space where I do only my work-related task and I stay there doing that work and not getting distracted. I want that office where I can leave and close the door. Work will not exist outside of it.

 I want light to pour in from the window and I want blank walls where I will sticky note everything. I will have thoughts i will remember a person i will learn something i will have ideas and I will write them down and fill up a wall and connect things. I will have my goals big and clear i will have my most important projects and priorities up and I won't get distracted or feel lost not knowing what to do next.

fucking hell, i will have a cat. do i need to go on? It will be wonderful.

 I will have a kitchen all to myself. I won't feel anxious about cooking and people watching or be around me. I won't feel anxious about getting too much in the fridge that doesn't have enough room. I will cook my own food and I will be healthy and i’ll lose weight. 

Speaking of which I will be able to exercise in my own place and not feel anxious from people hearing me jump around or people watching me in a gym. if i’m lucky and get a place next to the park, then I’ll go there and do running and other workouts. I’ll just do an hour every other day with body weight exercises and I’ll do it while i’m watching youtube (cuz i gotta keep up with my youtubes!) I’ll stick to the routine and I’ll build up my muscles and maybe pass more. 

and I’ll cook for friends! I’ll have people over and we can have game nights or just hang out and I’ll be open and let people just come over just to relax and get away. i hope. i want to hang out with more of my queer friends.

 i want get closer to Galen. i want to chill with June shes so smart and interesting and I want to document her. along with Justice. I should keep up with Elana and learn more about the journalism world. i can't wait to be back in the community. i want to spend half of my days (mornings or afternoons) visiting the organizations again. I want to get closer to PRYSM i want to help out DARE. I want to know what people are doing i want to document and share them. i want to help i want to go to all the events i want to build these relationships with time. I want to help out AMOR and document Cata and all her amazing work i want to get back to fighting the police i still want to help the CSA i want to work closely with Steve and get my work out there more and figure out what that means.

I know that I can’t rush into another video project I want to just put a camera up in from of all my young friends but I know that’s not right and so I have to stay the course of taking pictures of events and film it for B roll I’m still trying to understand what I’m doing with video and I know it’s a long shot but I want to work with my footage and pull out moments that I could ask people about to contrast what has happened in two years since and I want to think about it all critically and think of it as evidence or ways to point out larger ideas or something does that make sense? 

  i need to make my website i don't know what distracts me so much from it. i know i need to i know i need to put up all my photojournalism that's my main work that's what im proud of. i just don't know what kind of work it will get me

i want to do my project with annaleise and document share more about the RI legislation and how it works maybe learn more and really solidify my ideas about what needs to be changed or at least try out the look at art get paid idea.

I should stay in contact with Sara trickerser she seems like she likes me and my work and she has the career that most resembles what mine could go in and I’d really enjoy it that being a cinematographer for both non fiction and fiction work and she’s only maybe ten years my senior so again it’s a realistic mentor to look to so I really look up to her I have other people that stick in my mind Sam polars and that I think his name is Elliot editor those people I want to contact but irl know will be a long shot I want to get close to Neil and hopefully help out his career uprise and get to learn and gain experiences from that along with mike sun. Alex and Jordan too as they progress in their director careers. I hope Eileen kody and Chris will continue again to pass along opportunities to me

There’s any Walsh working with her was great and creatively challenging in the good way.

Omg the PSU and following the kids and getting an understanding of the youth point of view and helping project their voices

i want to do my project about understanding all the systems that exist and affect people and what people are affected by and how to trace it back to a voted in official and keep them accountable do i still want to do my idea about making the CSA ordinances into large posters?

 I need to learn more about how that is going I have this lingering idea always still to make all kinds of quote posters not even well-designed ones just to write out progressive reminders and quotes to plaster all over my home. all these projects might not even happen because i dont know whats going on in Providence! I might come back and find out there's something more pressing that i can make a project about and help with. I can bet that the biggest issue still that exists when i come back will be the housing crisis and rent reform. i want to help. i want that time to just live in the community and be a part of something and give and give back instead of being isolated.

  i still follow cinematography and filmmaker social media all over the webs and those just get me thinking oh i should also try to get some more AC jobs see if i can get onto sets see if i can be a part of that too. i’d have to travel to Boston or nyc im not sure i want to make those relationships i want to understand better the documentary world. all i have is my my one film and i feel like i should be doing more with it but i dont know what and im not sure if i should and im not sure what is next but i feel like maybe i should be trying to get into these documentary circles at least to maybe get a job as DP or editor mabye maybe maybe???? 

i worry so much about what am i going to make? what am i going to do with my life. i hate it because on my year off still in limbo just god i was just going i was just doing. i was JUST DOING. and i loved every moment of it i felt no worry no more anxiety no stress about where my life was going to go it was going. part of me is looking back on this writing and thinking im being so unrealistic or im worrying too much. honestly its just being so cooped up and jittery. i’m daydreaming so much because i have nothing else to fucking do and im on the internet so much. I never go on fb at all because the amount of jealousy and feeling that im missing out on my community and all the projects i could be helping out on just fucking kills me it destroys my day. but fuck, i gotta get my internet fix so i’ve been hanging out on instagram and reddit. Instagram is like FB light mixed with reddits problem which is seeing people i do not know doing their thing whether it be activism or filmmaking or even being an artist and I just think why am i not doing that?

I hate being in the limbo state because all I can do is overthink and not just do 

and i just feel so held back and its my circumstances and its all going to be fucking gone starting in January and i’m so ready for it. i am feeling my body tense up and my heart rate rise just from writing this all out. its not good i know i know. like fuck. i need to live in the moment. but. Stop. taking a big breath. I’m glad I’ve written this all out. Im excited for a year from now to look at this. honestly, i kinda want to print this out and then mark and annotate on it all the things that did happen or didn't happen. i know im so fucking young and i’m going to get that time to build out the relationships i want. 

#2019 #me

[fuckyeahasexual]

(Suicidal ideation tw and aphobia tw)- aphobia sends me into suicidal ideation and puts my life in danger. After the abuse apologism and death threats i got talking about my own abuse from aphobes and conversion therapy on this website, when it's mentioned i have to struggle to not act on them. I was v happy to see buzzfeed lgbt do a series on asexual hcs, but the comments section is fullll of regs saying we either don't belong or are disrespecting gay hcs. And idk what to do. (Cont)

(Part 2) did they get wind of the article and go to spam it? Or is the hatred really so spread??? I quit tumblr to, you know, stay alive. But to know that even when lgbt websites include us its bombarded with hate feels way too much. I know people liked to say its the minority but that article took away hope. Idk what to do with these feelings that im unsafe around cis straight and now, lgbt+ people too. I had hopes it was dying out

I wish could say hold out until [date] the weather will change and they will be sunshine for sure! But I honestly can’t. Here are some things I can tell you with that I believe with my whole heart.

REGs are the minority. This is meant as reassurance, because their loudness makes them seem like it’s literally everyone versus you. That’s not the case. My high estimate would be 1 asshole to every 10. That’s not to belittle how much pain one asshole causes but a reminder that you aren’t alone.

I was just complaining to my friend yesterday that I keep running into people who caused my own suicidal idealization because people in my circle would boost them, and how I hated that because they felt so unavoidable. And was lovingly reminded that there are lots of aces out there, I don’t need to put up with a single toxic person for the sake of community. A ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ pov and if people aren’t helping me avoid those people, even seemingly good people, I found out that I’m happier without them too. This isn’t to encourage you to isolate yourself, but a reminder that you don’t have to socialize. 

There’s a lot of ace head-canon-able characters and a lot of canon characters. I know I got sooo used to fandoms being an exchange between people that I forgot there was other ways to consume media. I started missing the days where I could just watch something and enjoy it. Not worry every for seconds that someone would tell my my headcanon is wrong. I had to relearn how to sit and watch something.

Try to grow your own happiness. And when you find it, don’t instantly share it. That helped to remind me that I don’t need that constant interaction to be happy in the first place. And I now how ableist this next part sounds, but as someone who’s been there, I want you to hear me out. To some degree, you can choose happiness. For example, after months of feeling like “ha you all make me wish I was dead” I realized certain actions triggered those feelings. I’d log on, I’d see abusers running around, I’d want to die. And quiting that pattern is not easy at times. You have to work on it as if it was an addiction. I had to think x will make me really unhappy avoid x, multiple times a day. And that can be hard because old behaviors are easy to repeat. Social media has good and bad and that’s what makes it hard to avoid. I’ve seen people fucking SUFFERING some new thing hourly but feel like they couldn’t walk away from things causing the harm. Once you know what causes you harm you can work to avoid it. Maybe for you that’s not having a tumblr account and choosing yourself over and over to avoid the comments section. Maybe it’s that and other little things. Maybe it’s a big thing and saying I have a free day I’m going to do nothing and feel good about it.

Put your safety first, put your happiness first. 

I think as a community we are so used to coming together to survive. That we are utterly vulnerable to abuse within the community. And we need to learn how to distance ourselves from the bad and regroup when we need.

I want you to ask yourself if you need others to be okay with your identity. On your own, non-triggered, how cool are you being you? If you hate yourself right now this can be tricky. But personally, my queer identity is at peace as long as I stay away from abusive people. I don’t need the community to feel okay being asexual anymore. It’s others the fuck me up. This utterly changes the way I interact with people, and really the community as a whole.

If you need people, that’s absolutely okay too. But you might need to change what spaces you are in to make sure you are in ones that are positive and on the happy side. Watching negativity and pain 24/7 will fuck your head up.

This is getting long and is rambling on so in summary,  if you are unsafe find higher ground. Do something that makes you happy. Or at least something that doesn’t make you miserable if happiness isn’t in the forecast. When you need someone reach out for them. When you don’t, it’s okay to keep all your hands arms, and legs inside the ride.

#long post #tw for ts #Anonymous #ask box