#and maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll be perceived a certain way if i do and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable

[alwayschasingrainbows]

Hi- I was just wondering what are your thoughts and feelings about Ruby Gillis' death? Did you like it in terms of the plot or would you rather she had lived? Why do you think LMM chose to kill her off and do you believe it made the story better/worse? 🫶🏾

Thank you very much for this interesting question and I'm sorry it took me so long to answer...

Well, Ruby's death... Maybe I'll start by saying that I perceive this scene in a completely different way now, as an adult, than I did as a child, when I read it for the first time. At that time, this fragment seemed to me... tragic and sad, of course, but also beautiful and sublime. With my overly dramatic nature (and, worth noting - not knowing anything about real loss back then), I obviously romanticized the whole description and wept tragically (even though it wasn't without the kind of... delight that comes with reading about tragedy when somebody feels quite sure that it was just fictional and would never happen in real life), over Ruby's cruel fate.

Because, there was Ruby - a beautiful, young woman who became even more beautiful during her illness, whose death gave meaning and depth that she lacked in life. Ruby, who (at the time, when I was judging her with my ten-year-old wisdom), seemed shallow and silly to me because she giggled and chatted only about boys.

Of course, I looked at the whole situation through Anne's eyes - with Anne's noble ideals and dreams that were in no way focused on men. To ten-year-old me, pre-illness Ruby was the type of girl I couldn't understand and therefore - I believed, unworthy of my attention. Pre-illness Ruby just was. I fully agreed with Anne and Diana that Ruby's thoughts and dreams were petty, even a bit ridiculous. Maud herself described her in a rather mocking way: as an exaggerated, pretty girl, who looked very ordinary compared to sublime and subtle Anne.

But, ill Ruby... who suddenly became ethereal, delicate, tragic... Ruby, who realized too late that she should have been thinking about the high and the glorious, instead of focusing on the unimportant. Ruby, who was afraid of death - not of pain, but of not knowing the other world, because, in her earthly life, she focused on everyday matters: clothes, admirers, fun, instead of perfecting her mind and soul. And Anne, who - while looking at the face of the dead Ruby - came to the conclusion that she had to live differently, not focusing on the present, but striving for higher goals. Yes, when I read this scene as a child, I was moved by its dramatic beauty.

However, now, although I naturally recognize Maud's literary skill, my emotions - and approach to Ruby as a character - are completely different.

First of all, I realize that Ruby was still very young - she had every right to be a little silly, a little flirty, a little fun-loving. Because, deep inside, Ruby was looking for love - the way most people look for it, through experience, learning from their mistakes. The truth is, finding love looks like this for most of us. Not everyone can have their own Gilbert Blythe, who'd wait for them for years upon years and never look at another.

Ruby was only eighteen when she got sick - nineteen when she died - and Heaven knows, most people do not know what they want from life at this age. So, being a little flippant should be excused - both Anne and Diana were different of course, but it doesn't mean that all girls were. Maud wrote about all kinds of girls: clever or silly, serious or funny, ambitious or flippant, pretty or ugly. And the message, in later books, seems clear: all of them can change for better.

Ruby was full of life, joy, carefree. In a way, she reminded me about pre-war Rilla. She wasn't like Anne, at least on the outside. But... deep down they were a bit similar. Ruby said what Anne would think years later: that she wanted love, marriage and children.

In a way, I am quite certain that older Anne understood Ruby better than she understood Christine (a woman who decided not to have children and spoke freely about it). Anne, deep down, also yearned for home and family of her own - and although she didn't know it, she already loved Gilbert.

During the last conversation with Anne, Ruby confessed that she finally fell in love with a man who loved her. The moment she spoke about wanting to live, I realized the whole tragedy. Here was a girl who would soon have to cross the border between life and death, just as her womanhood was about to start. She was scared of unknown... and sorry for the life she could have had - should have had - the life that she was losing. I was surprised with Anne's answer: "Why would you be scared, dear?". Why wouldn't she be? The point of religion is not knowledge - it is a belief. Even if Ruby spent her nineteen years of life feverishly devoted to the church, with her eyes fixed on the sky, all her thoughts as pure as snow, she still would have had every right to be scared.

I believe that - by her death - Ruby became a symbol and a warning for the readers (especially - for young girls). A symbol of life that ended too soon; of dreams that never had a chance to become a reality; of a girl, whose joyful, flippant existence was going to become forgotten as soon as she was buried. Because... what did people talk about after Ruby's funeral? That she was "the handsomest corpse of Avonlea"? That she had been laid in a "splendid white velvet casket"? That she had a beauty that "spirit had never shone through it, intellect had never refined it."?

In a way, Ruby was just as much of a symbol as Walter was; a life that might have been: "But death had touched it and consecrated it, bringing out delicate modelings and purity of outline never seen before—doing what life and love and great sorrow and deep womanhood joys might have done for Ruby." (Anne of The Island).

So - Ruby might have become wiser, more mature with age, love, marriage, life. But instead, she had to leave the world innthe golden hour of her teens.

And, Ruby's death is a warning, too - which is seen, again, through Anne's eyes. To Anne, it might be seen as a milestone, that made her realize that she had to set her sight on something bigger than everyday life. "Life held a different meaning, a deeper purpose. On the surface it would go on just the same; but the deeps had been stirred. It must not be with her as with poor butterfly Ruby. When she came to the end of one life it must not be to face the next with the shrinking terror of something wholly different—something for which accustomed thought and ideal and aspiration had unfitted her. The little things of life, sweet and excellent in their place, must not be the things lived for; the highest must be sought and followed; the life of heaven must be begun here on earth." (Anne of The Island).

It is worth mentioning how Ruby had died - and when. Ruby, who loved dancing, died at her sleep, peacefully, when all of her friends were at the party. "The next night the A.V.I.S. gave a farewell party to Jane Andrews before her departure for the West. And, while light feet danced and bright eyes laughed and merry tongues chattered, there came a summons to a soul in Avonlea that might not be disregarded or evaded." (Anne of The Island). It is such an irony that Ruby - the liveliest and prettiest of Avonlea girls - would die alone, while her friends were having fun. On the other hand (although it was not mentioned in the book), maybe she danced her way out of life, led by the joyful sounds of music, just as she danced her way through life?

As @no-where-new-hero-hero said once - Anne's series has a very strong religious tone - much stronger than the rest of Montgomery's books. Perhaps this is due to the fact that these were the first novels Montgomery had written and she wanted to make sure her young readers knew that religion was an extremely important issue in their lives, and faith - the meaning of their existence?

And here this moral is very clearly visible. Montgomery seems to be saying: "Ruby should have thought about eternity, not only about everyday life - and we have to, as well. We do not know when the end of our earthly journey will come and we should live our lives in such a way as to prepare for life outside the world we know and not be afraid of crossing the border."

I believe that most of the death of Montgomery's books meant something: Ruby's - the consequence of not seeing "the highest" and living day by day; Walter's - he cruelty of war and the sacrifice; Douglas Starr's - a tragedy of a father who knew that he wouldn't be able to watch his daughter grow up; Beautice Burnley's - the end of joyful, flippant existance and the consequences such life might have had on one's children.

I am not sure if I enjoyed the religious tone of Ruby's death scene - although I must say it was beautifully and splendidly written. As for a Ruby as a character, of course I wish she had lived. She had so much ahead of her - so much to look forward to. She deserved to live her life - it shouldn't have ended so soon, so abruptly. But then - Montgomery's aim was to put a moral in her story - and Ruby's example fitted perfectly, for this purpose (or at least I am pretty certain that Montgomery thought so).

It is a little difficult to say if it made a story better or worse; on one hand, it was well-written and touching, on the other - I don't enjoy the way Maud tried to push her own way of thinking into the reader's head. I also believe that we ought to be less strict with Ruby - and young girls in general. Youth should have been allowed its silliness - flippancy - mistakes, even back then. It was what made them grow and gain experience.

In my opinion, Ruby's death was Montgomery's message to the young people: "Don't focus only on here-and-now. You need to seek the eternity, too." I suppose that the message itself would be beautiful to some people, disagreeable to others. I am not sure which category I belong to, if I am honest.

Thank you again for your lovely question!

#lm montgomery #anne of green gables #Ruby gillis #Anne of the Island

[gay-sin]

should i be online if i'm stupid?

i hate being 22 and so stupid. i'm smarter than i've ever been but that's not saying much. i keep thinking that i'll get older and stop being stupid but then i just learn new ways that i'm stupid. i talk to old people looking for answers but they don't even have them! they are stupid too! fuck! i always seem to forget that everyone is so stupid even if they are incredibly old or incredibly smart. i want to know all of the things and i want to know them right now!! i know some things but not all the things and my stupidity often feels like a liability. sometimes, when i'm smart, my stupidity feels like a big open space for me to run around and grow into. but because i'm 22 and mostly thinking stupid thoughts and doing stupid things, i mostly think of my stupidity in stupid ways. i'm constantly afraid of being wrong. this is stupid because i'm wrong every day. sometimes i dig myself into stupid little holes because i'm so afraid of being perceived as stupid and that's... quite stupid. i just keep talking or typing until i have reassured myself enough times that what I'm saying isn't stupid. but then i live a little longer and prove myself wrong again. i've never been fully right about anything because there's always another way to see things, always another dimension i haven't yet considered. so yes. i'm increasingly terrified of being online. i'm afraid of exposing my big fat stupid brain to whoever is stupid enough to pay attention to it. but i'm beginning to reconsider. maybe we shouldn't all just shut up and go into our rooms, finish becoming ourselves, and only come out once we have something to say that's not stupid. because it will always be at least a little bit stupid. i don't have anything to add that's all that new or all that smart and i'm still not sure if it makes sense to post things online when I don't know who i'm talking to or what i'm talking about. but whatever.

i've been mostly off of social media for about half of a year. it's been so good for me because i would often go online to get some sort of recognition that i really can only get by looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that i love myself and really meaning it. i'm still working on doing that so i'll probably be working on that forever. maybe i shouldn't abstain from the world until i'm all patched up. because as soon as i put a bandaid on my last papercut, i burn my hand on the hot pan because i'm stupid and forgot to use an oven mit. maybe tumblr is a better social media than instagram or tiktok or twitter or maybe they're all equally stupid shouts into a void. either way, i thought maybe i'd try again. i needed a new way to do it that didn't feel like the stupid old way. my friend meera told me to make a tumblr and here i am trying it and overthinking it and saying too much so that i can convince myself that this idea is not stupid. whatever. i'm actually quite certain that it's at least a little bit stupid of an idea and that's okay because i reserve the right to be stupid and wrong and grow and be better next time. so i'll be here, running around in my stupidity doing cartwheels, dancing around, putting on a stupid little show.

i might delete this blog soon or maybe not. it's a new experiment for me. if you're out there in the void, i hope you'll like my stupid little blog!!! <3

#new blog #art blog #artists on tumblr #stupid

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Forgotten Ties - Chapter 15

*Warning Adult Content*

Early the next morning, Nim and Skye returned to the entrance of the tunnel together.

Nim had half expected it to have disappeared, changed in some way or some other weird shit but it appeared to be exactly as it had been the night before.

Skye bent down to peer into it and frowned.

"Can I go first?"

"First?" Nim asked.

"You don't want me to go first and make sure it's clear?"

"Last time the monster came into the tunnel from behind me. It can't do that if you're there."

"But..." Nim started to say, then he shook his head.

Skye didn't need the thought that the monster could just as easily be in front of him put in his head.

"Sure."

Skye took a deep breath, got down on all fours and started crawling.

Nim didn't shift to go through the tunnel this time and it definitely made the experience worse.

He could run like the wind on four legs as a wolf but crawling in human form was slow.

He wasn't alone this time, though.

Somehow, having Skye with him made the whole thing more bearable, even if Skye wasn't much of a fighter.

Having someone he needed to protect made him feel less afraid for himself.

Skye was braver about the whole thing than Nim had been expecting.

He usually was.

It was easy to perceive him as someone who was sensitive and delicate and sometimes and in some ways he was but then he'd just shrug off things that would be traumatic for anyone else.

There was a certain sense of calm in looking into his eyes and realising his only concern was some mundane thing like licking the chocolate from a wrapper.

It wasn't that he was unaware of everything else going on.

He just didn't let it bog him down.

They emerged into bright sunlight once more and Nim let out a sigh of relief, though he knew that wouldn't be his last time making the trip.

Someone had to go back and help Marigold get the kids through once the cabin was cleaned up and Nim wasn't about to make Skye go through again.

Nim's sense of smell wasn't as good in this form and for once that was a good thing.

The cabin smelled awful.

They filled a bucket they found with water from a nearby river, scavenged some soap, a scrubbing brush and some strips of old cloth from the supplies that had been left behind and got to work. Skye made faces and said 'yuck' a lot but he didn't actually seem as disturbed by the blood as Nim was.

Maybe he wasn't thinking about where it had come from.

About how someone could come in the night and do the same to them.

Nim liked to think he could defend the others if that happened but if a panther shifter had been caught off guard, why should he think he would do any better?

They spent hours scrubbing out every drop of blood they could find but eventually they reached a point where all there was left to do was open the door and all of the windows and let things air out and dry.

They went and sat in the garden while they waited.

"Thanks for coming with me," Nim said.

"Nobody would have blamed you if you hadn't wanted to but you did anyway."

"Well, I do what I can do and I could do this," Skye said.

"And if I do this, even though everyone thinks it's hard, then when I don't do something everyone thinks is easy, maybe they will believe me that it's actually not easy."

"If you tell me something's difficult for you, I'll believe you. I promise."

"Oh. Well, sometimes I forget the part where I tell people that."

"That may be more the issue than them not believing you, you know."

"Maybe," Skye said as he pulled up a handful of weeds.

"It's a mystery and nobody knows for sure."

Nim let out a quiet laugh.

"I'm also glad you came because I doubt we'll be having much alone time any time soon. It's nice."

"Yeah," Skye said. "Very nice. Do you want to kiss?"

That startled another laugh out of Nim.

"I mean, uh. Yeah, if you want to?"

There was quite a bit of height difference between them, even sitting down but Skye got up on his knees and that mostly bridged the gap.

Nim rested a hand against the side of Skye's jaw and leant in.

Skye wasn't shy about kissing.

He wasn't necessarily skilled but he wasn't shy.

He peppered Nim's lips with quick little kisses and slipped his tongue out to taste them.

Nim didn't really know what he was doing either but he was trying his best to copy what he'd seen on TV.

Slow, increasingly deep kisses followed by a gentle slip of tongue into the other person's mouth and...

Nim startled and jerked back, his tongue stinging.

"Ah. Forgot about the teeth."

Skye smiled.

"My mouth is like a sharp little trap."

"Guess there are some things we won't be doing."

"Like what?"

"Uh..." Nim said. "Never mind."

"Oh, like blowjobs?" Skye asked as he flopped down on the ground.

That surprised a laugh out of Nim.

"Yeah, like that. You never stop surprising me."

Skye tilted his head back to look up at Nim and smiled.

"Nim, do you really think I could live for like three trillion years and then still not have heard of sex? I definitely know what sex is."

"When you say it like that, it makes you sound like you don't."

"How?"

"Never mind. Yeah, obviously you know what sex is. I didn't think you wouldn't. Just... the way you say things sometimes."

Skye nodded.

"So, uh. You know what it is but have you done it? Have you ever done anything like that?"

"A bit," Skye said.

"But people mostly don't really understand me, you know? Sometimes people think I don't know what's going on and then they want those sorts of things and maybe I sort of did want to do it but then it's all weird because they're weird. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah, that makes sense. Creeps."

Skye nodded again.

"So I've done some stuff. Mostly hands."

"Oh. I haven't really done anything. Not with someone else."

"Maybe we could do something one day. When we have time and maybe a bed."

"I'd like that," Nim said.

"Maybe we could have our own little cabin in the woods one day, just for us. I bet I could build one. My mum worked construction, so I know a few things."

"Can you build me a hammock to nap in?" Skye asked.

"When I was still human and I was on the ship, they had hammocks and I liked them."

"Sure," Nim said.

"I've never built one before but it doesn't seem like it would be hard. We could have our own garden, too, full of all kinds of fruits and vegetables so we always have food."

"Can we have a pet cat?" Skye asked.

"I liked the ship cats and then I became part cat, so... maybe a pet cat?"

"Okay, we'll have a pet cat as well. We'll have everything we want and we'll live there together and nobody will tell us we can't or try to move us along or take us away. It'll be a home we can have forever."

"And I'll never forget again because I'll never be alone and I'll never want to leave."

"Yeah," Nim said. "One day."

[sleepingwithinkink2-0]

Space Cadet lost files:

Question of Faith #4

I'm not sure what to believe in any more,

floating lifelessly ...

Walking aimlessly in a forest of flesh..

Everyone I meet,

they seem to believe in something, to explain life;

Spiritual, religion, science ... Math.. So many reasons .. without doubt, without questions..

Faithfully ...

But to me...

Every belief seems to have flaws , within their reasons.. .

I want to believe,

But I'm not one to believe without some kind of proof ..

I never understood how people don't question more deeply the why of things ..

Perhaps there is something wrong with the wiring of my brain ,

I'm always questioning things...

Ponder every action committed by strangers...

Wondering why people do the things they do..

Why do certain emotions arise inside me at certain times..

People tell me it's good to have an open mind

But at times,

it's lonely with all these thoughts...

Nothing holding me down..

Breathlessly..

I wonder if there are such things as coincidences ...

Or

Is everything truly random..

That we as humans are programmed to pick up patterns

In our every day life...

And

Yet I'm torn ...

On believing that things happen for a reason..

How some events that do break the laws of physics..

The only conclusion I have come up with is this:

It's how you perceive the world around you,

It doesn't matter what you believe in...

if it's true or not by someone else

As long as you believe in it ..

If you believe god exists, you're gonna see him ....

You're gonna find patterns all around you that point to him...

Or whatever you believe in ..

But there is also other thing at play...

Laws of Attraction...

The begining parts of your life..

They all play a big part,

Of how you interact with the world around you..

How you interact with people...

Friends, lovers, relationships..

They say

We fall in love with people like our parents..

We look for the love ,

We see growing up ...

What we think we deserve...

It's hard to break free from all that ..

Creating neuron pathways that harden with time..

That seems nearly impossible to break..

Yet for me that isn't enough..

Why does it have to be this way...

Is our lives in a sense already predetermined?

Do we have free will?

Are coincidences... Just coincidences...

Or

Glitches in the matrix of life?

Do we meet people for a reason?

You listen to all these videos

Of how we met certain people to help us in our life...

But for what purpose?

What's the ultimate purpose ..

We all die .

That is our gift..

What I think is this ....

There is no reason,

No rhyme..

That life is absurd..

We make it complicated

With our anxiety

And

Irrational minds

It's absurd,

Because we don't have answers ..

just hypothesis ..

We give the people we love and admire ,

meaning

To be in our lives...

We allow them to be part of our experience...

What if it's not because of fate .

We just see parts that we like and we allow them to be in our prospective narrative..

What if none of it matters ..

What we do,

What we leave behind

And

Yet it does

Through out our lives we touched people..

We are remembered by someone...

It's only when we are forgotten on the lips of those we loved

Do we truly die..

Perhaps I'll always be floating ....

Never touching the ground...

Maybe home isn't meant for someone like me.

Short circuiting...

Sometimes I wish I would float a little higher...

To reach the stratosphere and explode...

Till I'm grasping for breath..

The darkness of Space's

Cold claws against my throat...

I'm afraid my last thoughts would be you..

How comical ..

...

..

.

I don't know what to believe...

Perhaps one of the reasons I like having deep meaning conversations with strangers

Is because I hope they give me reason ...

Enough evidence to believe..

Because I'm losing hope ..

My scars throbbing ..

Tearing

A constant reminder..

-Danny Sheehan

1:26am

07.10.23

#spacecadet #absurd #thoughts #beliefs #rain

[ajab-leher]

do you ever just have this ugly scary emotion that makes you feel so terrible? when you want sympathy and somehow express yourself in a way that gets you sympathy and then.

and then you feel like you manipulated someone into sympathizing with you, because somewhere it feels so wrong that you got it? that you got it because you wanted it and because you asked for it?

#anandita talks about her emotions #anandita don't overanalyse everything you cause or encounter challenge FAILED #anandita's sad hours #(i am not actively sad right now!!!! i found this tag and i'm gonna use it now ajahdhsh) #but like! the feeling i get when i feel like i have manipulated someone but logically i know that's not inherently menipulative to #yknow express your negative emotions because you want comfort or warmth or sympathy or sometimes #yeah i sometimes want my sadness to be seen as i feel it and like that's a form of wanting attention #and thinking of it like this #it really makes sense that i'd beat myself up over it because i appear to have some weird schema that tells me i cannot ask for attention #that if i get it ever it should be earned??? does that make any sense? #and just yeah i'm gonna sort through these emotions and grow healthier one day! #and maybe being aware is the first step to it? yeah! #and this makes me think i'm not as open emotionally? i had a phase where i used to very openly express my negative emotions #but that was unhealthy too because i wasn't anything but them? i used to feel sad and i kind of made that my whole identity? #but i think moving on from that phase i've begun to deflect my sadness even though i feel it very deeply #i don't want other people to see it and identify it with me #and maybe it's because i'm afraid i'll be perceived a certain way if i do and i don't want to make anyone uncomfortable #or obliged to be gentler or kinder (or SYMPATHIZE ureka!!!!! or pity too ig) to me purely because i am sad #but i don't know how i want to be treated? or how i want people to tread around me? or how i want comfort? #and i'm gonna figure this out #by projecting these onto my characters and resolving them ahfhsjhd #look at me revolutionising psychotherapy! this is non-directive questioning my dudes! #(just kidding!!!!! I'M NOT QUALIFIED FOR THIS STUFF) #anandita challenges her core schemas! #(but i'm kinda proud about integrating elements of cognitive therapy in resolving my fanfiction's conflicts tho) #personal attack!

[destinyc1020]

Ok look im not saying z stans aren't bad its just that they're not as bad as toms. Yes there are a few really bad ones here and there but overall toms fans are so much worse. Making literal hate pages just to shit on z, im sorry but unless u can name a z stan that has done that, toms fans are worse. (im a stan of both btw this is just the difference i noticed between the 2)

Yea I haven't seen any Z stans making hate pages dedicated to Tom, or even calling Tomdaya "PR" honestly. Aside from the Jacdaya fans in the past, I haven't even seen any large Zendaya fandoms recently routinely putting Tom down or calling him names. If anyone has receipts of this, by all means being it to my attention so that I can retract my statement lol.

Look, I'll be honest.....there's definitely a segment of Z's fandom who just wants to see Zendaya date a black man (or maybe even date a woman), or who don't trust white male fandoms that are super popular (because of the typical racism that most woc in these rlshps unfortunately get). I'm just being downright honest about how some fans have felt.

This is precisely why a lot of Z stans were "OKAY" with Jacob (even though he's also white), but not okay with Tom. It's not really about Tom per se, but more so about how many of Z's stans perceived Tom's fans to treat Z for years while they were dating. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I think that's why some fans were happy (and relieved) with Z dating a guy like JE (even despite his shady record🙄) who was a lot less famous than her honestly. It might also be the reason why some of Tom's stans would prefer that he date a woman who's not as popular as Zendaya. Sometimes it might not even be a race thing. Sometimes it's just that SOME of these fandoms that are really huge get super possessive and weird, and some fans don't want to see their faves dating someone from a large fandom because they're afraid they'll get hate/racism/bullying from that person's respective fandom. It's sad, but it's true.

But imo, that's an issue with the fandom, NOT with the two individuals themselves. Instead of hating on the ship, or the two ppl being together (esp when they both really love each other), the disappointment should be focused on the segments of the fandoms who are rude, racist, mean, intolerant, and toxic imo. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Not on Tom and Zendaya as people.

It's funny cuz I've received angry asks from Z stans in my inbox claiming that I hate her, and then the other day I got angry asks from Tom fans claiming that I hate him! So, apparently I must hate them both equally if I'm getting the same complaint lol 😆 🤷 🤣

I just think that some fans go way too hard in the paint at times for no good reason. Take a deep breath lol.... Get some fresh air.... 🌥

Anyone who reads my blog thoroughly will know that I love Tom and Zendaya. I just don't suck up to any celebrity, nor do I worship them. I'm honest (sometimes brutally so) about how I feel on certain matters. It doesn't mean I love the person any less. I'm just not looking at ppl from rose-colored glasses all the time. I can recognize that the person I stan is a wonderful, flawed human being, just like the REST of us (myself included), so I'm never expecting perfection from anyone.

I just take a very objective view on things. If that makes me a "hater", then oh well.... 🤷🏾‍♀️

This "who's fandom is worse" discussion is ridiculous because neither fandom is really awful imo. I've seen WORSE tbh lol 😆 😅

And anyone who follows me knows that I don't like comparing or pitting one fandom over the other. That's exhausting.... 😓

Can't we all just get along??? 🥴

[swiftiephobe]

fuck it i'm posting these now okay okay here are some thoughts (this covers the whole album so like. if you are still listening and don't want spoilers then don't read i guess?):

first of all: i'm very happy to essentially be back in the red era <3 this is a very special album to me and it was a very special time.

atw 10 min is pretty good for what it is, the lyrics were very obviously written specifically for this rerelease (i do not believe for a second these were the original lyrics, what is "fuck the patriarchy" doing here girl you know 2011/2012 taylor is not writing that) BUT aside from that it all sounds pretty good!! some of the newer melodies are very reminiscent of august. think she could have tried harder to actually channel red era taylor in the lyrics so it kept up the legend of "this is the original version of all too well!" but it is what it is. don't think i'll listen to it very often since i don't think it does enough more than the og to justify the 10 min runtime, i can see it being tiresome to listen to

i'm not as immediately sold on this as i was on fearless tv. i felt like fearless tv benefited a lot from updated vocals and production but still kept really faithful to the original for the most part. i think the only one that was a bit iffy was you belong with me? here there are a few more eh moments, maybe because i just love red a LOT so i'm going to be more picky with these songs, but also because there wasn't really much room for improvement with the vocals and stuff like there was for fearless so any changes that are there are more likely to feel unnecessary? idk, some of these songs i'm going have a very hard time replacing the old versions with tv because they just aren't as good

songs that i pretty much have no complaints about compared to the originals, just to prove i'm not being a negative nancy: red, treacherous, ikywt (the snippet had some dodgy vocals but it sounds better with all the production), all too well (original version), i almost do, stay stay stay, the last time, holy ground, sad beautiful tragic, the lucky one, everything has changed, starlight, begin again, come back be here

now for the ones i have issues with...

the state of grace background vocals are so muted :/ look how they massacred my boy. a shame because otherwise this version is great.

what the fuck are the "WEEEEEE"s in wanegbt. why do they sound like that. also the spoken word part is off but i think it would have been impossible to replicate it perfectly. i'm not sure i can listen to this new version over the original honestly

the chorus of 22... also sounds bad. it sounds almost off-key and is weirdly echoey. i hated the snippet we got way back when and the whole song does at least sound better than that snippet had me fearing. but that chorus...

i'm not a massive fan of the mixing on the moment i knew... i adore this song and the vocals and production on tv are both excellent individually but i think the production overpowers the vocals sometimes? i feel the vocals were very prominent on the original but they seem a bit more buried here and it bothers me

GIRL AT HOME NOW AN ELECTROPOP BANGER?? i remember she knows that people hate it (note that i don't say *WE* hate it because *I* am not included in this group!!!) so i guess she wanted to "upgrade it"?? i liked the original, i like this one too but i hate making such drastic changes on principle when i thought the point was to keep it faithful to the original (and yes now i am afraid for certain other songs because if she was willing to change something as inconsequential as girl at home what else will she change if she perceives it as being disliked?)

i never really cared much about better man and babe and can probably count on my fingers how many times i've listened to both of them. taylor's versions are nice though, i'll probably listen to them more often now.

anyway now thoughts on the vault tracks (the actual new ones not like babe/better man) overall i can see why these were rejects, while i generally like them and i'm glad we have them, i don't think i would replace any song on the original red with these:

nothing new: not as good as i was hoping. i like the subject matter of the song, i think it's an interesting and fairly heartbreaking insight into taylor's headspace back then. it's lyrically very on the nose though, to a fault. phoebe got a good chunk of the song though! so let's celebrate that.

message in a bottle: interesting that this was apparently the first song she wrote with max + shellback because this feels very 1989 rather than red. it's cute! but it's not amazing

i bet you think about me: return of the country drawl i- also the whole "you grew up in a silver spoon gated estate and i grew up in a farm not a mansion" part (paraphrasing lyrics) has me a bit 💀 and not in a good way

forever winter: i like it <3

run: feels a bit ed by the numbers. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. the better collab was chosen for the album

the very first night: I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE!! i like how upbeat it is, this kinda feels like starlight except more closely tied with the story of the album so it's interesting it didn't make the cut. but i guess she wanted most of the "previous relationship" songs on red to be heartbreak songs with the happier songs being more about new love so i'm guessing that's why it was dropped!! again nitpicking but just before the chorus she sings "you" in a way that annoys me because it would rhyme way better if she sang it more like "ya" sdhfsgfs idk if that makes sense.

#red tv

[shilodaysworld]

#큐 #뉴

INSPIRED BY : INCEPTION ( ateez )

Pairing : Ji Changmin x Choi Chanhee

Genre : Art & History, Mutual Pining, Painter!Chanhee

[ Year, 1821 ]

Droid never expected that he would have a boyfriend. He is barely known as "a sophisticated boy" who just like to rectify everyone that he loves no one but only himself. Droid fall on his trap per se, no matter how sturdy the walls he built, it is still not enough for him to avoid catching feelings with only one person, Fenetre.

It is so serendipitous yet providential to be chosen by Fenetre, Droid feels like he is the luckiest among blessed people. Aside from Fenetre's physical attributes, he has also good and lovely endowments. He made Droid feel loved and cleansed those stained with mournful erstwhile.

"You've been staring at your masterpiece, mon amour." Droid darted a quick glance over his shoulder and flashes a sweet smile. Fenetre was coming up the walk toward him. Taking one last stroke, Droid put his signature that ran down either side of his painting. He laid his paintbrush carefully across the top of the open paint can at his side and arched his back, biting his lower lip with a pleased glance at the work he'd completed. He wiped his hands on the handkerchief that Fenetre have been offering and ambled down the worn front steps, making a slow survey of Fenetre's broad shoulders and tapering his arms around his lover's waist.

"You know that art is my first language, right?" he returned, dropping his voice to a soft purr as he shoved the paint rag into the back pocket of his frayed cut-offs. "Mon amour, you're so invested in this. I do wonder if you are still getting enough of sleep." Fenetre turned around meeting his eyes to Droid and cups his cheeks. Droid presses a chaste kiss on Fenetre's lips before talking, "I have to put so much effort because this will be shown at royale's ceremony tomorrow, Mon chéri." he pouts, hoping that his lover get what he's trying to say. "Alright, alright. You know that I am always rooting for you, amour." Fenetre retorts and runs his fingers through Droid's soft locks.

"Je vous aime, Fenetre." Droid said, hugging Fenetre tightly, he's so afraid to lose him.

"Je t'aime aussi, Droid." Fenetre sounds so sweet, hugging his significant other back.

"We're soulmates. We'll be together, mon amour."

[ Present, 2021 ]

Chanhee longed for someone whom he can count on and someone who feels like home. Arms that feels barricade that could protect him from every discomfort, agony and misery. Someone who can call his own and will be forever his to keep. He sometime do ask himself, would love ever find him? The discomfort and neglection lingers on his whole system when was alone.

Chanhee was used to live in a cheap apartment, alone. He addresses himself as a 'nobody' after his parents died in a crash. As for Mr. and Mrs. Choi, Chanhee's parents who doesn't want their son to socialize. Chanhee grew up socially inept until he met someone who was there giving him comfort when he need it the most. However, Chanhee's parents found out their friendship. They moved into other place where no one could be friend him. His life when he was with his parents were lugubrious and suffocating but he couldn't deny the fact that he's missing them, he doesn't care about the wealth that his parents has, in fact, he just wanted to be free. To pursue his passion, painting.

"Channie, are you okay?" Chanhee came back to his senses when he heard his bestfriend's voice, Younghoon. Mutters and an evidence that he's worrying about Chanhee.

Chanhee nods and smiles, "Yup! I just needed to take some rest. How's your day with Juyeon, anyway?" Chanhee half-heartedly asked. It's that he's uniterested on what is happening between Juyeon and his best friend.

"Like usual." Younghoon sighs, massaging his temples as if he was in a long day with Juyeon. "Kinda tired but it doesn't matter, I'm all clingy with Ju!" Younghoon flops himself on the bed and getting sleepy. Chanhee just ignore what Younghoon have told him, in favor of letting him sleep because he was so goddamn tired. Chanhee stood up and turns off the light for Younghoon to drift off in a deep sleep.

"Hoon, before I forgot. Would you like to join with me at the art exhibit tomorrow? I need you for moral support. It's the least you can do, Bbanghoonie." Chanhee to wasn't serious at the last sentence albeit the first line was serious. He wasn't asking, it's a request.

"I'll try, Channie. I promise!" Younghoon is getting sleepy so he just shrugged it off and flops himself onto his bed.

"Tomorrow is my day."

Ji Changmin, on the other hand. A piece of an art which was born in mid-winter. He's been into other country for quite a long time. Some parental issues between his parents brought him back in Korea. His mother had an ordinary teenage life until Changmin's father got his mother pregnant at an early stage of life. His father's family were against it, they even accused his mother as a 'gold digger'. The family members of that generation were abusive, pessimists and manipulative. Because of pregnancy and nothing to gain financially, his mother was never able to finish her studies. His mother's family had also rejected her because of her early pregnancy. At that time his mother worked hard to make a living with him every day, surving each day which is very ardous to do. She raised and educated Changmin alone, she'd rather raise her son alone than giving Changmin to his father and inherit the toxic traits that the family ruined her life had. Several years passed, where his mind and heart were fully developed, he had many realizations. How eager his mother to work hard for their future. His love and appreciation for his mother was beyond immeasurable, until one day, one day he found out that they only have months left to be together, due to his mother's breast cancer. Changmin back then, didn't know what to do. Maybe if his mother told him immediately, there may be a way to cure her. But no, his mother used the phrase "I don't want you to worry." as an excuse. Life is so unfair, isn't?

A few months after his mother died, his father found out and offered him to study abroad. Easy? Was it just all a trash? Of course it was not easy for him to forget. Forget the past, how hard they struggled just to survive. He despise his father so much. But even if the world were turned upside down, it was still imprinted in his mind that he was still his father. And that won't change. He soon agreed to his father's offer. The adjustments will not be lost either, especially since his father already has a family.

Changmin took a deep breath before stepping inside at the huge place where art objects are exhibited. He was too determined to study and observe the arts as well the ingenuity of artists. Changmin is so devoted in this, if you'll ask him. He can describe every masterpiece of either professional artist or ordinary people with precise words.

He felt some sort of tranquility as he stepped inside, surveying how large the art museum was. It was huge, very huge. He didn't know Korea has an art museum like this. The place he had stepped in really looked pleasant in every artists' eyes, the color of tanned complexion painted on a high thick masonry structure forming a long rampart. The classic paintings and statues are well-displayed at every corner of the place. "Beautiful, very beautiful." only words he can state. His particular disposition of mind in art museums is "It is always easier to appreciate a place if you know something of its past, and museums certainly help us to do that." He's right, art can bring the past and histories on you.

Changmin examine every pieces his eyes can see. He paused only to clean the damp on his round eyeglasses, not minding the people who passes by.

"Hoonie, are you gonna be here on time?"

Changmin, in despite of busy cleaning his eyeglasses. He momentary halt in an activity as he heard a voice coming from the boy who isn't apart from where exactly he is. He took a glance on a boy who's holding a phone placed on his right ear. "He's familiar." Changmin said only him can perceive of by the ear.

"...Okay. Take care of yourself, too." another words slipped from the boy "he is familiar with". There's a small smile plastered on his face, a vision of disappoinment, perhaps. When he hung up his phone the two of them looked at each other. Changmin panicked, and can't utter words as he wore back his eyeglasses.

"O-oh, oh no. I-i I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I'm sorry!" Changmin stated almost hysterical didn't know what to do.

"Oh, no, no. It's okay! I don't mind at all." It's true, he's not even mad. Far from it, honestly.

"By the way, I've never seen you before. Is this your first time roaming around here? If you don't mind asking. I'm Choi Chanhee, you?" Chanhee reached out his hand, and of course, Changmin gladly accepted it. If you'll ask Changmin what Chanhee looks like, he's so gorgeous. To the point that every men and women would fall in love with the beautiful features he has. His eyes owns miniature galaxies, his thin lips were perfect, moist and pink.

"I'm Changmin. Ji Changmin." Changmin happily introduced himself to Chanhee. "At by any chance, if you're not busy or something. Would you like to roam around with me? Since I am not familiar with every corner of this museum yet." He scratches his back and flashes a timid smile upon asking a favor. Actually, he's too shy to make a request to anyone. Not a fond of it.

"Sure, sure! I'd love that."

Chanhee didn't know what's have gotten on his mind why he's with Changmin right now, him and Changmin will still remain as strangers. Albeit, half of an hour have passed since they started talking and roaming inside the museum, sharing thoughts, about themselves and certain manner under given circumstances as an alternative to art and professional artists' quiddities just to keep their company alive.

"No, actually I don't paint. It's just.. I love to examine the whole extent of painting how the artist give a representation about what they're painting, how they attached their emotions to it." Changmin chuckles at what Chanhee's first impression towards him.

"Oh, I see." Chanhee half-heartedly replied nodding in response at he was inclined to be corrected. 'Changmin has really something', and Chanhee seem wants to know more about him without crossing the line. For him, it's still crucial to set a line between the two unless they're close enough to break the boundaries.

"How about you? I bet you do painting." Changmin stated in a stable voice, he is beyond willing to know more about the boy he's sharing a conversation with. Interested? Maybe.

"Hm. Yup!" he answered his question shortly, popping off his cheeks beforehand adding words. "Actually. I uh.. Would you like to see my painting over there?" Chanhee timidly pointed another area used for exhibition of paintings.

"Woah. Wait, that's a corner where great artists' paintings are displayed, right?" Changmin almost yell at the excitement he felt. "I knew it, you're a great artist!".

"No, no! Not really.." Chanhee bit his lower lip to ease the awkwardness he felt. Not so many people know the concealed talent he has for painting. Since his parents doesn't want him to socialize, he invested a lot of time to nourish his talent. A reason why he is not used to receive compliments from others.

"Here." Chanhee's timidity and anxiousness became more intense as the two of them stood in front on the wall and his painting hang on it perfectly, showcasing the aestheticness of it.

"God. I've never seen such a beautiful piece like this." Changmin expressed casually, with regard to the mind flabbergasted. He wanted to take a picture of as his souvenir but he don't think he can disremember his Gouache Painting. He love the colorsl, texture and he is lack of hesitation that Chanhee didn't put a meaning behind the painting that Changmin staring at. He could do this all day, because he firmly believe that showing esteem and admiration at Chanhee's painting is a worth of time.

"Thank you, thank you so much." Chanhee replied and frown.

"You really deserve a recognition, you know?" Changmin's voice gruff as he angle his camera to Chanhee and took two or more shots without a bit taller man's permission.

"C-Changmin! What you are doing.." only then did Chanhee notice that Changmin was secretly taking a picture of him as he heard a flashing sound from Changmin's camera.

"You're being photographed, is it bad?" Changmin chuckles at how cute Chanhee's reaction was.

"N-no.." Chanhee lose count at how many times he bit his lower lip since they started talking, a mix of ardent and happiness filled him. Chanhee, himself doesn't know what's happening to him. The two laughed as they find amusing their interaction was. Changmin and his not-so-rude behavior soon forgotten.

Another hour have passed but the two of them are still having a good time on each other's company. Changmin have been waiting for so long to have a process by which information is exchanged between them through a common system of symbols. Though the two of them just met, Changmin feels like he would depend on Chanhee no matter what happen.

"Min." Chanhee called him and Changmin answered in a hum, enough for Chanhee to hear. "I really hope this won't be the last time I see you here. This is my first time sharing a long conversation with someone. I am beyond glad, we have too many similarities especially in arts." There is a hint of sincerity at his voice while he utters those words. Changmin's face lifts up brighter than ever, upon hearing Chanhee's sweet voice and words. And the nickname Chanhee gave him butterflies. "Of course, Chanhee. I would love to!" Changmin shows his dimples and from ear to ear smile.

The two of them enjoyed the camaraderie throughout the day until they've decided to go to within a short distance from the art museum to grab something to eat. Sharing light conversations, Changmin and Chanhee are no longer strangers. An hour and half have anew to their inseparability, Changmin assured himself he wouldn't inhale the strawberry and peach scent of Chanhee. He mentally frowned as he took a quick glance at his wrist watch. The apparent descent of the sun below the horizon, it's past 6 o'clock in the mid-afternoon. Changmin wanted to stay with him, if you would ask him. He could keep coming back for more.

"What's the matter?" Chanhee dropped a sweetest voice after sipping his coffee from his cup as he noticed Changmin's actions.

"I- I'm going to leave as soon as possible, for some important matter. But I don't want to leave you alone here." Changmin answered in a worrying voice but it's true he have something to do important things it's so sad that he'll leave Chanhee when in fact all he wanted to do is to be with him until midnight. He wanted to know more about Chanhee, Choi Chanhee.

"Changmin, it's okay. I'm gonna stay here for awhile, don't worry about me, okay?" Chanhee doesn't want Changmin to be apologetic. "Well. I'll see you soon?" Chanhee said, his quality of voice once again hearty and hale.

Changmin stood up, indicates that he is leaving soon. "Of course, we'll see each other soon. I got to go, now. It was nice meeting with you, Chanhee." Changmin wholeheartedly said beforehand parting ways with Chanhee.

Chanhee smiles to himself upon recalling the ecstatic scenes he and Changmin have shared together throughout their day. Changmin has really something.

Chanhee hung the door open, the busy Younghoon shown up with the papers scattered on the side of his table, laptop infront of him and his rite of dedicating to finish whatever he is doing as soon as he widely opened it.

"I'm home." Chanhee dropped a low voice and placed his shoes neatly beside the footsteps. Seem his roommate didn't notice his arrival so he just stepped inside and shrugged it off. Younghoon is a busy person so Chanhee wouldn't ask him why he didn't escort him in art exhibit. Chanhee understands it, he should think about the right and feelings of other people. In fact, he enjoyed his day with his new found friend, Ji Changmin. Changmin's words of affirmation and smiles are still lingers through his mind, it was saccharine sweet.

Chanhee flopped himself onto his soft mattress saying 'goodnight' to his roommate. This is the nice and unforgettable day in his entire life, he wouldn't be exaggerated. It was really his first time to meet someone who really likes him, has a lot of parallelism. Chanhee should be thankful to the talks he shared with Changmin, he found out what he really is behind his stoic expression the first time their eyes met. Changmin is so sweet, so fervent and so gentle. Being his friend is the only thing he can bestow.

Chanhee closes his eyes and drifted off to sleep . . .

"L'art et le passé vous ramèneront."

[iustories]

The Visitor

IU x Kim Soohyun

Jieun’s POV

Of all the places, I met you here. It's out of the ordinary I'd say, but I knew one day we'll see each other here. Little by little, everything faded before my eyes and I only saw you. You met my gaze with the same warmth and I clearly remembered the last time you looked at me similarly. When was that again? How long has it been since? I could tell you I lost count, but that would be a lie and I'm certain you'd immediately catch it before I even finish my sentence because you know everything about me, except for the part that I loved you I guess.

Loved? Should I be speaking in past tense? Do I still have the same fire burning in my chest? Sometimes I'm confused.

I approached you with caution as I always do, afraid to look eager, but I may give myself away when I smile a tad wider than usual. It can't be helped since you bring it out of me effortlessly and I'm a fool for giving in every damn time. But what is to be terrified about? This strange place will forget me, you, us, and whatever will happen, right? So I'll take my chances.

You rose to your feet with such grace and met me in the middle then pulled me into a tight hug. Ah, it feels like home. It feels like you. Seconds passed and I am still in your arms. I didn't detect any intention of you wanting to let go and it was my cue to allow myself to enjoy this freely. Was I always guilty when you're too close before? Now please don't break free. I promise I won't push you away this time. I'll make you stay.

There were no words spoken, just hearts beating in the same rhythm, speaking things that could not be explained if said.

"I missed you," you whispered, your soft breath tickling my ear.

If it weren't for this place, I would be hesitant to say it back, but since we're here let me just be honest. I'm sorry I had to mask my affection with dry humor. It was the only way I could tell you without actually telling you. "I missed you too. How have you been?"

Of course I'm aware that you're doing fine. You've been busy exploring new activities and having fun with your family. I check up on you from time to time. Despite what happened between us, I still genuinely care for you. "I'm good. And you?"

I was still engulfed in your embrace and if we talk for hours in this position, I wouldn't complain. "I'm okay too. I've been doing things here and there. Nothing really special, but yeah I'm okay."

I still can't conjure coherent sentences without feeling anxious. I mean, being around you still makes me nervous even in this place where nobody knows us.

You finally separated yourself from me, your hands traveling from my back towards my arms. You gripped them firmly then smiled at me, evidently delighted by my sudden appearance, like you've been waiting for me to come.

"Let's sit?" You casually asked and I nodded in response. You dragged me to the couch and motioned your hand, telling me to sit.

"What do you want to watch?" You asked, your eyes directing me to the screen. I turned to your laptop and scanned the selection. Seeing the titles brought a small smile on my lips because it just proves that it's you. Those movies and shows are your favorite. Now I'm sure this is all real.

I pointed at medical drama that you were raving about years ago. When you told me about it for the first time, I gave you a funny look because I didn't perceive you as a sentimental person.

"Good choice," you approved, your lips curving into a satisfied smile as you clicked on the show.

Do we have all the time in the world to watch shows? Can we settle some things first? I don't know how much time we have, so for the sake of my sanity, can we talk? But like in the past, my requests refused to leave my lips because your pleasure is much important than mine. I couldn't help it you know—putting you first. It's ridiculous, yes. But this is how I loved you.

Loved. There it is again. That word. It weighs heavily on me, waking the feelings I've come to abandon over the years as my hope dwindled. Can that word not ring in my head when I look at you? It's really bothersome and I can't focus on the present.

There was a considerable amount of space between us which actually disappointed me since we were always skin to skin. Have we fallen apart completely? Have we created boundaries? A while ago I thought we were back on track.

You must have heard my thoughts because you gradually moved closer until your arm was lightly touching mine and at the initial contact, I almost flinched and had to hold the gasp that was about to escape my lips. It amazes me how you still affect me with such intensity after all these years. I felt you arm hover over my neck and it found its way around my shoulder, causing me to freeze. You quietly tugged me towards you, urging me to relax and be comfortable, so I did. The loud beating of my heart deliberately subsided when you began patting my arm repeatedly. I eased my mind and I ran back to the things I used to do when I'm with you—placing my head on your chest and my arm around your belly.

And here I am again wishing this moment would never end, but I already tried it a couple of times in the past yet we were still separated by fate in the end.

"Jieun-ah," You called my name tenderly.

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to tell me anything?" You asked with a mellow tone, coaxing me.

"Like what?"

"Just anything. Maybe things I don't know?" There uncertainty in your voice, but I heard conviction as well.

Now I wonder if you've known all along. It's not impossible though since people talk and rumors spread quite fast.

Should I be honest or should I lie? Isn't this what I've been imagining—you asking me if I had something to say?

"I won't be mad. Whatever it is just tell me," you reassured me.

I let silence prevail, thinking hard if I should just say the truth. This is the redo that I prayed for, so letting this pass would be another dumb mistake.

"Do you know that I love you?"

Should I have said 'loved'? Which one is appropriate? And why am I answering you with a question? God damn it.

It was your turn to fall silent and tension immediately rose as you let seconds pass. "I know. I've always known."

My heart leaped as a mix of anxiety, fear, and excitement played inside my system. "Really?"

"I could see from the way you looked at me," You explained simply then paused.

"And I looked at you the same, but you never saw it, right?"

I processed your words carefully, afraid I might have gotten the wrong idea, but you interrupted my train of thoughts when you added, "We wouldn't be talking about this if you noticed. I loved you too."

"But things went downhill, didn't it?" I asked, trying to comfort myself from the missed opportunity by blaming it on fate and circumstances.

"It did," you affirmed. "But we could have tried."

"Would you have chosen me?"

You sighed then tightened your hold on me. "Yeah. I would have. Without a doubt."

"So we both ended up being alone after all that," I said chuckling, attempting to dismiss the ache growing inside my chest as regrets threaten to break loose at the gates of my mind.

"I talked a lot about you—no, all I talked about was you." I felt you shake your head, your chin brushing against the top of my head a few times. "I couldn't tell you too so I told other people."

"What were we so afraid of?" I asked, hoping that you had an answer. If we loved each other then, what was stopping us?

"Hurting others? We thought of them first before us."

Right. I almost forgot. Other people. We weren't selfish enough to take it to another level because of others or rather this person we both held close to our hearts. Our friend.

"Did we do the right thing?" I'm desperately seeking reprieve because I am being chased by the consequences of that decision.

"Yeah, I think we did," you answered as you peeked at my face and I wasn't quick enough to hide the sadness that was etched on it. "I'm sorry, Jieun-ah. I know I gave you a hard time. I know you've been waiting."

I bit my lip to control its trembling. The show continues to play on the screen, but it only served as the noise that filled the void when we fail to answer quickly.

"But doing the right thing doesn't always make us happy," you continued. "So are you happy now?"

I parted my lips yet nothing came out. Am I really happy without you? Am I truly resigned to the future I have in mind?

"Am I?" I stroked my chin as if I was really thinking of it, but in all honesty, I couldn't get myself to do it because I'm scared to know the answer.

You chuckled then ran your fingers down the length of my hair and I instinctively shut my eyes as the calming sensation of your touch registered. "I may be doing great, but I couldn't say I'm entirely happy."

Your answer surprised me. Even though you've confessed your feelings just a while ago, I couldn't wrap my head around it yet. How can I? I imagined hearing those words from you for quite a long time until I gave up, therefore everything may be happening inside my head.

"Me too." I was suddenly feeling hopeful since we are in another place. We were just two people who met unexpectedly so maybe this time I can fulfill my wishes. "So can we start again? If we aren't happy after what we've done, can we do what we want this time?"

You sighed again. What is it with the heavy sighs and the tone you've been using? Isn't this supposed to be a do-over, the clean slate that we both wanted? There isn't anyone who could hold us back anymore.

"I'm afraid we can't," you replied in a regretful tone.

You are so good at putting the pieces of my heart back together and breaking it right after. Hasn't this happened countless times already? Aren't you tired of hurting me?

"Why? What is our excuse this time?" I asked, my jaw clenching.

"We just can't."

"At least give me something I can understand. This is too much."

You kissed the top of my head. "This is not real, Jieun-ah"

"It is! What are you saying?"

"You know from the start this isn't real," you pressed further.

I gulped hard, my breathing becoming shallow and rapid. "Do we have to do this again?"

How many times do I have to lose you? How many times do you have to come back and remind me that you are not mine? You've been consistent at that and that's why I couldn't let you go that easily.

"Yes. We must go our separate ways again. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But I'm glad I saw you here."

Just as tears trickled down my face, my eyes fluttered open. My heart was pounding erratically against my chest as your voice echoed repeatedly in my brain. I'm glad I met you here. I felt the wetness of my pillow and realized that I shed some tears while I was asleep.

You, my frequent visitor, the person of my dreams, came to make your presence felt again. Indeed, you know when to remind me of you when I start to forget.

#stories

[iammultifandomaf]

Chapter 6 - What are you doing here?

BROTHERHOOD

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12211562/6/

Lydia's vision was still a little blurred but she was certain that she was utterly alone on the cold ground where she had failed to save her dear Stiles. The realization of the fact that the two strangers had taken her boyfriend for no reason whatsoever and might hurt him or even-... She shook this thought off and slowly got up to her feet, grabbing for her purse which wasn't hanging on her shoulder anymore. Lydia looked at the ground first, searching the surface with her eyes. Suddenly, though, a familiar voice called her name in a low tone.

"Lydia."

The girl's head shot up to see who disturbed the silence of the nothingness she had believed that surrounded her. Her gaze ended up on a tall man in a long dark coat. Lydia squinted her eyes to see the man's features better, not sure if what she is perceiving was real.

Finally, she said in a breath: "John?"

The man smiled under the beard and nodded, his smile perished quickly, though, and was replaced by obvious concern. He approached Lydia, carefully as if she were a hurt lamb, and looked her in the eyes.

"Are you alright, dear?" he asked, scanning her face with a soft look. Lydia's eyebrows furrowed at this question, her confusion breaking through.

"What the hell are you doing here? And no, I'm not alright! Could you please just... go? I don't have time for you... I have to find somebody..." she quickly said, her words lacking any articulation to not lose any precious time with this stranger who had found a way into her life, again, somehow.

"Lydia, please do calm down, I actually wanted to help you."

"Help me with what?" Lydia said suspiciously as John couldn't possibly known what had happened there at the very place they have been standing because they had been with Stiles alone.

"Um," John hummed and looked around as if he were looking for the explanation in the skies.

"Did you have something in common with it?!" Lydia bursted out, not being capable to stand out his 'mysteriousness' at that moment.

"No!" John said and raised his hands in defense.

"So, how do you know about it, huh?" Lydia asked, folding her arms on her chest.

"It's complicated..."

...

Stolos wasn't sure what made him do it, or to be more precise, what made him not to do it. Now, he was lying at the ground, oficially defeated by the younger boy who didn't believe his own eyes. Stolos didn't defend himself and when he did, it was just for 'the show'. Why did he do that? He was the only one who lost against his opponent and therefore, he was the only one who had to clean the bunk of this other child.

Stolos' peers stood silently and watched Stolos who was still on the ground, staring into the blue sky. They didn't dare to say anything because they knew what was Stolos capable of and were afraid to mock him for the fight he had just lost.

The boy who has defeted Stolos couldn't believe his own eyes and looked over to Stolos who was slowly getting up to his feet. The other younger boys watched their peer in astonishment and envy for what he had accomplished.

Stolos brushed the dirt off his clothes and returned to his previous spot, waiting for the older soldiers to give them instructions. He was, of course, laughed at by the tutors and was told to make 'Dentorons' bed every morning after he wakes up.

The next morning, Dentorons was already waiting by his bed for Stolos. He knew that he didn't have to wait there but he wanted to talk with the peculiar opponent who had lost against a younger soldier.

Eventually, Stolos walked into the room where Dentorons had his bunk. Dentorons was a little discouraged by Stolos' blank expression and hints of lethargy. Stolos gave a short glimpse to the younger boy and started reordering the blanket without a word.

"You-you are Stolos, right?" Dentorons got out of himself.

"Yes," Stolos answered shortly.

"My name's Dentorons, Den for short."

"Uh-huh."

"May I ask you something?"

"What."

"Um, why did you want me to win?" Dentorons asked in a low tone for nobody else to hear it. Stolos straightened his back and looked at Den, raising his eyebrows.

"You let me win, obviously..."

"Maybe you are better than you think," Stolos said monotonously.

"Bullshit," Den raised his voice but regretted it right away. Stolos, though, just smiled at him.

"'Guess I didn't need to prove myself something with messing up a kid." Stolos shrugged and leaned against the wall next to the bed.

"I'm not a kid," Dentorons defended himself.

"Sure you are. We all are. Even the dicks who 'train' us."

"...I've heard that you are dangerous... for a kid."

"I'm only dangerous to those who deserve it."

"But you've hurt all the others..."

"They live, don't they?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Look, Den... I don't really care-"

"No, no. That's alright... let's not get into that. Let's get breakfast, okay?"

"Sure."

...

"What the fuck is complicated? You mean you being here? Or the fact that my boyfriend was fucking kidnapped?!" Lydia almost screamed now.

"Look, let's just focus on finding Stiles, alright?" John tried.

"And why are you so interested in Stiles?!" Lydia threw her hands into the air.

"We... well, we've been... friends at some point. Good ones."

"What?"

"Yeah..."

"He never mentioned a friend named 'John'."

"It was quite a long time ago, I must admit. I suppose... he didn't think of me as somebody... important," John said slowly, as if he was just coming to this realization.

"You know what? I don't care right now. I'm going to the police," Lydia said, not paying attention to John anymore and fiercely picked up her handbag from the ground and began walking back to the village.

"Lydia, here's no police station. It would be better if you returned to the hotel and called somebody..."

Lydia stopped, still facing John with her back. Her eyes scanned the village around her and she admitted to herself that she won't find much help there. Abruptly, she turned around and went back to John who was still standing at the same place she left him and looked up into his dark eyes.

"And what are you going to do, huh?" she asked him with spite.

"I'll try look for him," he said simply.

"Then, I'll go with you."

"I don't think that's such a good idea..."

"Why? Because I'm a girl?" she said, folding her arms on her chest.

"No, not at all. It's just... if you go call the police, somebody has to be there to describe him and stuff like that... I can't do that... I don't have any photos of him, I haven't seen him for so long... I didn't even see the kidnappers."

Lydia realized that he has a point and that realistically, she had almost no chance of finding him on her own and she was the one who saw the two people who took Stiles. Lydia then slowly nodded, accepting the facts and finally calming down.

"Okay. Okay. Gimme your phone number," Lydia said, fishing her phone from the handbag and unlocking it.

"May I?" John asked and pointed to the phone. Lydia squinted her eyes in suspicion for a second but then placed the smartphone on his stretched out palm. John quickly typed his number into the device and handed it back to the redhead. Lydia then called his number so he’d have hers, too.

"I'll text you if I find him... Okay?" he said with a supportive tone. Lydia only nodded and watched him turn on his heels and leave.

#stiles stilinski #lydia martin #john mitchell #teen wolf #fanfic #fanfiction #brotherhood #chapter 6 #what are you doing here #stolos #michendros