#and not so say that these symptoms make a diagnosis but they aint all that neurotypical either

[befuddled-calico-whump]

my mom: "I've never felt like an adult. I feel like I'm permanently twelve years old."

my mom: *needs to be sewing, sketching, or doing something with her hands to pay attention to a podcast or TV show*

my mom: *easily distracted, will quickly obsess over a new idea or project type*

my mom: "if you would've gone to public school your whole life, you probably would've been diagnosed with ADHD or something"

my mom: *has dozens of stories of both myself and her being the exact opposite of a Pleasure to Have in Class, blissfully ignoring instructions, doing our own thing, and being very impulsive*

also my mom: "everyone in this family is Normal™ :)"

#a growing list of things i didn't start noticing until i was an adult with a job who lived on my own #the one that drove me to post tjis was the twelve year old one because ive THOUGHT that before #many times #and she said it too so im like #'woman we are the same' #another driving point is the fact that when i go home to visit people tell me i remind them of my nine year old brother #not my mom #not my dad #not my adult sisters who look like me #its kinda hilarious #anyways gonna try and get a diagnosis in the next year or so wish me luck #once upon a time i wouldn't have bothered but im too easily distracted and forgetful at work so im hoping medication helps #calico is befuddled #and not so say that these symptoms make a diagnosis but they aint all that neurotypical either

[mikeysantoss]

ninety days clean now.

havent been writing here cause i’ve been busy. nik and verity convinced me to try out college so now im taking night classes for social work. verity said its a good idea to stay busy and i think she’s right. i’ve stopped being so skeptical of her ideas. 

think i always wanted to do something with my life that’d help people, and social work’s the best way forward. 

apparently rhere’s a bunch of specialisations you can do. i wanna specialise in youth addiction so i can be the person i wish i had around me when i was 18 and getting introduced to drugs. 

wont have much time to write here anyway cause when i aint studying, im working on music. the brain fog’s slowly going away and now i got the urge to write songs again. 

verity’s been getting me into mindfulness and it’s really helping me get in touch with my inner soul and all that other hippy shit. 

im feeling good.

one hundred days clean

can't fuckin believe it's been a hundred days. damn .never thought id get this far but here i am. nik threw me a little party with all my buds from meetings + college. really dont think i wouldve made it this far without him and verity.

guess i better tell you the other big thing.

i have bipolar disorder. verity says i probably inherited ot from you or dad, and considerin 90% of my symptoms line up with ur past behaviour, it dont take a genius to know who i got it from

first i was angry. but i gotta say, more than anger i've just felt relief. im not fuckin crazy after all. a lot of shit in my life started making sense whoich made me feel like i wasnt doomed 2 fail. that there was hope.

verity didn't give me any pills but mentioned there are mood stabilizers. i dont wanna go on em cause im scared i''ll get addicted and have 2 start the whole withdrawals thing again

but she said the option is there 4 me whenever i feel up 2 it. maybe in the future.

i thought about you the day i got my diagnosis. couldnt write here cause i was a goddamn wreck.

did u know you had bipolar disorder? did you have to deal with that shit alone? not knowing whats wrong with you and going your whole life thinkin youre a crazy delusional fuck up is a pretty shitty thing i aint gonna lie. made me wonder if you went through the same shit.

there's a lot i gotta unpack but at least now i know what box to look in.

[eloquent-apollo]

Remember how I said I would write about Nicky having ADHD and then I DIDNT well here it is

Quick disclaimer that this is based entirely of how I experience my ADHD. I dont speak for everyone and my experiences are not universal but this is how I experience my symptoms

He was so fucking hyper as a kid holy fuck like,,,,, chill, chill where do you keep finding this Energy™️ stop hoarding it ):

Got into exy to ✨release✨ some of that hyperactivity bc you just know his parents dont believe he has ADHD

Coffee to self medicate baby oh u gotta focus? Bam 20 espressos in my body

Speaking of using coffee to self medicate the foxes are always a little nervous when he does that, because Nicky is pretty hyper most of the time and coffee equals hyper, but it actually makes him really calm!

Still tho Matt finding Nicky in his dorm surrounded by a lot of coffee and just,,, fear

Nicky hyperfocuses on the weirdest things, its a little annoying (for him) bc these hyperfocuses jump from one thing to another. One week he is obsessed with pirates the next he is trying to learn how to play the lyre

Concentration who? Or concentration wishes it was me. No inbetween

Dolphinbraining like no other Kevin is talking about exy technique and Nicky goes “oh speaking of Exy!” And tells a story about??? A trip he took to some city once? How does this make sense? Hell if I know sometimes u connect A to Z at the speed of sound

ALWAYS REPEATS STORIES (this is my worst symptom in my opinion) oh you heard this story five times already? Well guess what im gonna tell it again. Nicky once told the story of how he met Erik ten times on the same day to Allison. It was their anniversary and he was so excited he couldn’t stop talking about it

Infodumps a lot, he has to sometimes bc if he doesn’t its just,,,, stuck in his brain and it is yelling to come out and he has to tell Andrew about how this obscure sport works that he found out

Hyperficates on series and books and stuff, gets super invested and then one day he wakes up and goes “huh, I dont like this anymore”

Extreme in his emotions, when he is happy he is super excited and jittery and loud and laughing but when he is sad its devouring and it hurts and it wont go away and it leaves him feeling numb

Very forgetful, has forgotten to pick the twins up at least 10 times. (Its okay they understand and its not like they can’t get home on their own. Sometimes they bully him a little about how he left them at walmart but you know)

Executive dysfunction is a bitch and Nicky hates those days when it kicks in and it is hard to get him to do anything. Sometimes its hard to just get up and do anything on the bad days. He wants to fuck he wants to do it so fucking bad but the very thought of getting up is hard.

Has a lot of weirdly specific knowledge because he spends a lot of time watching those youtubers that don’t show images but read scripts? This is hard to explain but thing those reddit channels that just read posts to you? They’re great he likes to put those on when he is cleaning, because extra stimulation makes it easier to do things

Is always, always moving his hands! He pulls on his lips, twirls his hair, taps on surfaces, cracks his knuckles he is always moving always in motion he has to stim in some way at all times because the ✨jitters✨

Funniest motherfucker you will ever meet. Yes being sexy is a symptom of ADHD 😘 /joke

He runs his mouth a lot. He doesn’t think before he speaks he just flaps out whatever comes to mind yes this has gotten him into trouble a bunch of times but he also cant entirely stop it

He doesn’t have an ADHD diagnosis, not for the longest time because his parents didn’t believe him, it isn’t until he goes to the foxes and he talks with Betsy a bit about it that they get him a professional diagnosis

Nicky: I have sexy bitch disease

Allison: get better soon

He learns to manage, he aint a fan of meds so he learns to manage his symptoms and sometimes its hard especially on bad days but it is what it is

Actually this is quite a lot of the “negative” aspects of ADHD so you know what here are some plus sides to having ADHD

Nicky is very creative! He has a lot of fantasy and as a kid he would “read” stories he came up with to his stuffed animals. He would tell the most vivid stories to his friends in kindergarten.

He is pretty spontaneous person, though changing his plans suddenly a minute before he was supposed to do it causes him distress

Impulsive,,,, but evil. He makes a good backliner but sometimes he is like “I should punch tbis striker who was mean to Aaron” and before he can go “wait no” his fist has made contact with the guys face already

Is very emphatic, is a good listening ear and helps his friends when they need someone to vent to

Surprisingly good problem solver?

Says he is gonna do something and then he doesn’t,,,, spends the whole day being like “oh I gotta write this essay tonight!” But he got distracted by his phone

Deadlines are fake ❤️ he will do everything the day before its due fuck that shit. You gonna make me do this three weeks before its do? I hear three weeks of no homework sir!

Just,,, I really like the idea of Nicky with ADHD man,,,, I just sometimes recognise parts of my ADHD in him and that makes me happy. I know it isnt canon but whatever I can project✨ again these are largely based of of my experience with my symptoms! This isnt universal for everyone with ADHD!!!

#aftg #all for the game #andreil #nicky hemmick #andrew minyard #neil josten #tfc #kevin day #the foxhole court #aaron minyard #dan wilds #matt boyd #allison reynolds #seth gordon #renee walker

[adhbabey]

hi im 17 and have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Dissociative amnesia & regular extreme 'freeze' responses.

I saw a councilor last year to treat and diagnosis above conditions after suffering 2 years of trauma *mother related* and not being able to function in my life I moved at the start of this year from Sydney (im Australian) to the country im doing my HSC in 2021 (high school test to get into uni) and ive been self treating my self diagnosed ADHD, Im going to see a psychiatrist (been on the wating list for a while as i wanted to see someone with experience in my issues) and want to know how to bring up the fact im 95% sure i have ADhD.

IM 17 and have been a 'gifted' student all my life but last year i couldnt handle it and dissoated fro 16 days... i have no memory of this but the fam says i lay down naked in my wardobe under piles of clothes and wouldnt respond to most stimuli even when water was dumped on me...

I have ->

extreme symptoms of all aspects of

Habits, Executive Dysfunction and Disorganization

Stimulation and Stimming

Time Blindness

Working Memory, Inattention and Object Permanence

Executive Dysfunction

Hyperfixation and Emotional Hyperarousal

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome

Inattention(Dissociation) and Hyperfocus

....

Emotional Dysregulation ->

to an extent i go long period of feeling numb then feeling 'normally?' (like im not manic but idk)-> idt this applies to this

disfucntion

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

All of these but im not sure what is due to depression and what is due to limited negative feed back inmy life, like if someone i dont know insults me im not bother but if someone i respect/like does it haunts me for years, i still remeber the first time i got a B in graphic detail and why

"Money Blindness" and Impulsivity

im unemployed -> full time student, but i do work in the holidays and i spend it on stuff i want, i buy everything thrifted but causeof this sometimes i regret prucahses and cant retern item, i also often spend my cash on food i dont need ...

i regret most purcases even if they are 'good' but ive never be fourced to live alone and pay my own bills-> i often bring homecooked food ot party's etc instead of cash for alchol etc

Boundaries, RSD, and Volume Control

i get told the volume thing a lot but i also wear headphones alot -> constantly listening to music or audobooks/podcast at x1.5-x4 speed.

I think im pretty good at understanding other people but i cant make myself react... like i catch myself thinking things i know aint true but i still interalise them?

I can talk a stanger and theyll love me but if i cant talk to a classmate/aquatence for the life of me beyond correcting them

e.g. girl in my econ class ive dmed quite a bit but i can never makemyelf talk to her inclasss-> this has been going on for a year and she has invited me to

fun extra-> i dont in on hair but thats cause im queer

*also a socialist very anticapitalistnothing to do with anything but i wanted to say it...

Oh boy!!! Someone with ADHD and a dissociative disorder! Now this is more nuanced than a regular ADHD diagnosis!

I have OSDD-1b, Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. It is caused by Childhood Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), aka long lasting childhood trauma. This is similar to DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

First off, you definitely sound like you have DID or OSDD-1a as that is a dissociative disorder which you experience dissociative amnesia.

Secondly, the paralysis and the no response to stimuli is called catatonia, and usually is a sign of stress. I recommend watching this video to learn more.

And having time feeling numb and then normal emotions is a sign of your dissociative disorder. So what I will ask you is this:

Do you often dissociate after experiencing intense emotions or reactions?

Do you then switch to a lighter emotion when you've dissociated for a while?

Do you experience a complicated relationship with your emotions?

Do you feel like you can turn them off some days and other days you're very intense?

I do think you have ADHD, but be sure to bring up the fact that your dissociation and times seeming unresponsive on the outside is not due to symptoms of ADHD. Also your relation to emotions may seem different because of your dissociative disorder.

#babey asks #adhd #dissociative disorder

[lloftvlly]

something i never really talk about but felt like ranting about right now.

hi, i’m may, i stan fictional villains, and i have a shitty autoimmune disease.

i don’t make a big deal of it because i don’t think it’s defining who i am but i won’t pretend it’s not a huge part of my life. 

just a little backstory. my disease started to kick in in my teens. it started very slowly and snuck up on me. the first time i noticed something was off, was when my right knee started hurting. back then i didn’t think of it as much though, just maybe i was getting hurt at the concert i was at a a few days prior (it was good charlotte, my friend is a huge fan and dragged me to their live it wasn’t bad but lol). it started to bother me when the pain in the knee didn’t go away after i kept applying some cooling gels and whatnot and my knee kept swelling up. my cousin, who’s a doctor got me some cortisone cream too and it helped a bit but you can’t use this for long. so as soon as i quit using it the pain was back just as bad, if not worse. 

i started seeing doctors and they were just confused. i got my knee punctured and liquids drained by doctor 5 times. (long-ass needle goes under your kneecap and liquid gets pulled out)  this procedure hurts like shit but it always gave me a little relief for a few days. but after that it still got progressively worse. it started to also affect my left knee and my right wrist and eventually my lower back. and at this point i was taking a lot of pain meds to at least be able to have pain-free days. in the mornings i couldn’t get out of bed, i couldn’t walk. i had to always take pain meds in bed, wait until they kick in, then force myself to get out of bed and try to walk. always stiff, always having to keep my legs moving if i don’t want them to turn stiff like rocks again...  my knees were too weak to keep me on my legs for long so whenever i was in situations i had to stand a lot, i would threaten them cos i would have to find something to lean on and that wasn’t always an option.  shitty fucking situation.

i kept seeing doctors who were not sure what it was. idk how many times i left a doctor office and then had a mental breakdown, crying cos no one could tell me what’s wrong and i just wanted it to be taken care of. like lit felt like i was left so alone with my pain and no one did anything to help me with it. i even felt like i wasn’t taken serious enough. one doctor even made some comments that it might all just be in my brain. because i am also diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression he was like “this could be part of that.” such bullshit. sometimes doctors don’t take you serious for having mental illnesses is what i learned from that. 

anyway, things were looking up a little after that. 

about 7 years into living with pain i was finally getting a diagnosis. all this time it had been psoriasis arthritis, an autoimmune illness that attacks my joints. the reason why it took doctors this long is because this condition rarely ever comes without the skin condition psoriasis. i didn’t show it on my skin, and even my blood tests seemed to not show the results doctors needed to diagnose it. the only reason doctors did find out, was because i had googled my symptoms a lot and i brought up the idea to my doctor that this would be it. plus my grandpa and my aunt have the same disease and it’s something genetic. honestly without me telling the docs i think i have psa i think i wouldn’t have a diagnosis even now. 

idk what changed on the day i got my diagnosis and why it suddenly showed in my blood tests also. but i was relieved to say the least, knowing what was rly going on with my body. but the thing is, i lived 7 years undiagnosed with it and now have to live with the consequences of that time: these being, i was always walking cautiously because of the pain in my knees, it ended up in me now having a crooked walk, i can’t stretch out my legs completely anymore, neither bend them completely. it’s now just something i have to live with, that i won’t prolly never walk normally again. i’ve ruined my posture thru that, and now have chronic back pains caused by it and i get lots of migraines that result from the back (idk how it works i aint a doctor) 

now i am on strong medication called mtx, it’s kind of a med that many ppl are critical of, because of its strong side effects and it not being rly good to the body. i have my blood checked all 6 weeks cos i gotta make sure they don’t slowly kill me lol.  but for me this med is rly saving my life like holy shit. i do physical rehab in a program whenever i can, i stayed there for weeks before and it was kind of nice. the issue with my medication, however, is that i have to pause them whenever i even have as much as a small cold. since they suppress my immune system or whatever, i can’t take them when i am sick or i won’t ever have a immune system to get me back to becoming healthy again or some sciency shit idk lol. 

either way that brings me to now. i had a fever not long ago and had to pause my meds again. mtx stays in the body for like 2 weeks or so, if you pause any longer than that, your body is set back to the state it was before you started therapy on this medication and mtx takes up to ten weeks to even take effect. meaning, when i pause it, i am set back to before i started the medication and have to wait at least 6 weeks for them to kick back in and make the pain slowly go away again. now, currently i am in one of those in between times before the meds work again. i am in quite a lot of pain,  i can barely get out of bed. not only do both my knees rly hurt but so does my back. and i am like /: well that sucks. 

it’s hard to focus when you’re in pain. as i am right now. i try really hard to focus on anything other than that but no matter what i do, my mind’s always going back to the pains in my back and knees, my wrists feel surprisingly fine and thank fuck cos i need them to write lol. point being, my focus is gone. i wanna write, i wanna create, i wanna draw but it’s rly hard man. i feel whiny and like overly dramatic... nothing should keep me from writing, realistically. look, i mean, i just typed out this wholeass essay. i honestly think i am blocking myself. i’m like ‘woe is me.. i have some pain’ and somehow almost use this as an excuse, i guess, to be a lazy pos. 

someone gotta tell me “stop being a bitch and get to work” so if you read this and if you would lol. just don’t pls, for the lov of king shiggy , don’t feel bad for me or say anything to pity me. that’s not what i want /at all/. i’m a badass for living with this pain, lemme feel like one at least lol.  if you can sympathize that’s nice but i didn’t write this to make anyone feel bad for me i promise. i don’t feel bad for myself either, i honestly think i am lucky in many ways that i get to live in a country with free health care, get to work from home, get to be a lazy pos when i am in this type of situation without having to worry about anything rly. 

i’m also writing this rant to kind of push myself. get out of this stupid slump DO SOMETHING. 

anyway, that’s all. 

also: if anyone got stories to share about their own experiences and they want me to hear it, please do. ithink we all have things we struggle with. 

#personal #shut up may

[sleepymouses]

cw medical stuff, vague not-rlly-detailed past-abuse, chi;d-abuse? mentions, actually kind of good news?, but weird n complicated feelios? lil rant

am now staying with fam in the big city till i can move into my place at the end of the month for school, was at new chiropractor today, and as ive said before, ive had pretty intense, weird n inexplicable pain in my hands n arms etc, that has v negatively impacted functionality n shit, esp sleeping and writing, making upcoming school in sept rlly scaryyy, been to so man diff doctors over the years and nothing's helped, so its left me feeling v badly, every time my hopes go up, then they go back down even more than before when my symptoms just get worser/nothing helps yet again.

anyways, new doc says i have fibromyalgia, which is an autoimmune disorder, smt i hadnt rlly considered before? and apparently a main cause is trauma/abuse, and when he said that (much more delicately) i thought about my stepmoms dad i talked about here before, who i guess.. emotionally abused me since i was like 14-15 or so for almost a decade, which is around when the symptoms of my pain gradually started (and have also had some real bad traumas in my life more recently as well too), and like... 

on one hand, fibromyalgia is treatable and new doc (whom i like) seems confident abt it, and i hope so much that this is the magical diagnosis i need bc i seriously canNot take any more disappointment, im Extremely low on this, so i dont wanna get my hopes up alots but i cant help that there is totally a feeling of relief that there is an answer for my ailments and the symptoms can be managed,

but on the other hand, im so.. furious and sad all over again that i went thru what i did, and for as long as i did, and i was so young really, and that it physically impacted me is just... !!!! wow ?? even tho that man is dead and gone, like, idk, it's really weird and complicated, and i know i tried my best to help myself in that situation back then, but i shouldnt have been in that situation at all, and i honestly still have some deeply buried resentment for a fair lot of my family, even the ones i care a lot about, for not doing more, or for some not doing anything at all, or for making me feel guilty for being unkind to the man who was being so awful to me, and never ever till the day he died did he ever recognize that, and i know i have to make peace with not getting that kind of resolution, but it still aint happened and it been months !

one more good thing tho, im going to start seeing a counsellor when school starts there, which will be even more helpful now, cos i have suppressed a Lot just to survive, so i never got the chance to really process that abuse, or any other significant traumas ive been thru, with an actual therapist, so i hope that'll be good for me 

tl;dr am torn between feelin like v tentative relief at hopefully getting a treatable diagnosis for my real bad chronic pain, but also real pissy/sad that this may have been caused by emotional trauma i also been struggling with for a while

#go away heather #d0000 nooooot reeBlgooog #does that even need to be said?? #personal #this is some heavy shit but also v significant for caring followers of me n my life #supes no pressure to read tho im mostly ok #already shoving it back down to process when i get a therapist lol #im just putting this up into the void for diary stuff then gonna go for anice walk and move on for a bit and try to keep going man #sorry im not rlly here rn tho i will put some time to do stuff before school tho i think to ppl waiting to hear back from me

[anxiousauthor89]

Accept What God Allows

The entire waiting room got silent. All of a sudden everyone stopped minding their own business and all the attention was on Trinity and the people she was with. Peanut began to cry loudly, as if she understood the bad news that had just been delivered. Breathing heavy, and breaking out into a sweat Trinity felt a panic attack coming on. She looked at her daughter as she cried harder and began to kick and slowly swing her fists. Flash backs of sex scenes, long nights in the trap, phone calls from unknown numbers, and Shawn's eyes ran through her head in slideshow fashion at a rapid speed. As Trinity began to hyperventilate and shake her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her vision went black. “ELI CATCH THE BABY!” Judith screamed. “TRINITY YOU OK? HEY!! WHAT THE HELL TRINITY?!” Azury grabbed her arm with one hand and used the other hand to brace the middle of Trinitys back. Her vision went black, and she felt like she would vomit. Everything was spinning. She felt her father pulling the baby from her so she let go. And she felt the medal from the chair so she knew she was sitting at this point. She had no idea what was happening but she knew she would nvever drop her child so she attempted to shake off the panic attack. Her mother asked for ice water and demanded Trinity to drink some once she got it. The water was so cold it snapped her back right away. She sipped and took a few deep breaths and realized Azury was still holding her hand. Speechless she stared at the floor. Trying to register what her mind was telling her. Opening her mouth to speak but no sound was coming out. She looked over at her father who had calmed the crying baby, and observed her mother who stood in front of her waiting for a sign that she was okay. “ HIV.” Trinity whispered. Azury looked down in shame. “Yea sis. HIV. I got it. And...you probably do too. And aint no telling how many other people have it. Shawn is nasty. He really got around.” Recalling the way her and Alexander met Trinity reassured Azury “oh you have no idea how much he got around.” Noticing everyone was still looking at them Judith motioned them to leave. “We need to go. Before these folk make me lose my religion. Just steady staring. Just rude.” Judith fussed out loud. Elijah and Trinity both knew when Judith got like that it was time to go. “Yea we still have to find a name for Peanut and go to the birth certificate office we should go.” Elijah agreed. Still trembling a little Trinity stood up holding Azury’s hand and they all headed toward the door. “Im gonna take my car and follow yall.” Azury said before letting go of Trinity. “Wait! Hey Trinity! Come here!” They all turned around to see Grace running in her six inch heels waving them down. “I gotta go Grace I gotta name my baby and get her home she getting cranky.” Trinity told her. “Please come back to the 4th floor. You weren't supposed to be discharged yet. The doctor found something in your charts, maybe something in your blood, I’m not sure, but you cant leave until he talks to you.” Grace looked concerned but didn't go in to detail. Feeling like she already knew what was goin on, Trinity let go of her mothers hand and walked with Grace. “We coming too babygirl.” Elijah said. “No daddy you not. Sit down. Feed my baby. And think of her name. I will be back.” Respecting the brave heart his daughter displayed Elijah found a seat and sat down. Judith and Azury followed suite as they watched Trinity walk down the hall and make a right turn into the elevator that led to the 4th floor. As if Grace knew what was going on she took a deep breath as they rode up. The door of the elevator slid open and Trinity followed Grace into the waiting room where the doctor was already there. Standing beside the doctor was a nurse who held packets of paper in her hand. Asking for the packets from the nurse the doctor gave Trinity a blank stare. “ Ms. Steeples. My my you are hard to track down. Been lookin for ya. Take a seat. I need to go over a few things with you.” Without saying a word Trinity sat down beside the doctor. “Ok I don’t like to beat around the bush so here's the deal. You have swollen lymph nodes. As well as a swollen pelvic area. These symptoms are not from delivery. Have you been with a partner that's not safe in sexual activity?” The doctor inquired. Clearing her throat before speaking Trinity sat up straight. “No sir not in a long time.” The doctor gave an insensitive chuckle. “Well.. somebody skipped the talk about birds and the bees because you should know it can take a while for things to show up so the time frame doesn’t matter. If you have ever been with a person that is not clean or safe, the answer is yes Ms. Steeples.” Fighting tears Trinity cleared her throat again. “Yes. Yes I have.” Nodding his head the doctor also pointed to her arm. “And this rash...wrong lotion? Or not enough lotion?” Rubbing her arm in the spot she never noticed until now tears ran down her face. “I don’t know sir, I never saw that before you just pointed it out.”  Flipping through the papers the doctor gave a quick head nod. “Ok so you have no clue what's going on with you. I can tell. I'm going to get the priest. You may need him.” Everyone knows the priest only comes when death is near. Trinity saw a flash of her baby’s face and began to sob. “I gotta be here for my baby I know I wasn't ready at first but I'm ready now and I don't want anyone to raise her but me!” She expressed loudly. Seeing the distress she was in the doctor softened up a bit. “We have cases like this all the time. It can and will be okay. But you have to make better choices with your life. Im going to get the priest and we will give you the diagnosis. He is only coming to pray with you if you feel like you need it.” Patting her shoulder he got up and walked away leaving her there alone. Grace was gone. The nurse was gone. It was just her. And she knew God was there. But she was alone. She closed her eyes and buried her face in her shirt. She smelled just like her baby, whom she so desperately needed to be around for. Assuming she knew what the diagnosis would be she began to pray silently. A calm feeling took over her. Goosebumps covered her body, and as she took a moment to remember God had never failed her she was ready to hear what her body was going through. She was still deep in prayer when she heard an elderly male voice call her name. “Trinity. Pick your head up. If you know God like I know God, there's no reason to hold it down.” The old man with green eyes gave her a slight smile. Getting her emotions together she scooted to the edge of her chair as the doctor sat back down and the priest stood up. “You’re right.... She replied wiping her tears with her sleeve. “I'm not sure...well..I think I may know what's going on...but I'm ready to hear it.” She spoke with a new boldness her prayer had just given her. “Ok Ms. Steeples. I told you I don't beat around the bush. So are you ready?” The doctor gave a side eye. Her heart pounding, and mind racing she shook her head yes. “Yes. Yes I am.” she firmly stated. She shot a small smile back at the priest. “I am ready to accept what God allows.”