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wakkass · 7 months

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Hey! First off i really love your art, it has so much expression and personality❤️💕

I saw your post critisizing Kataras look in season 3 and how they don’t let her show her weaker and more tired self, and tend to pretty her up compared to the rest to make her “more favourable to aang” I don’t really agree on that point and want to add my own two cents.

Both Aang and Katara have seen each other at their best and worst, mentally, physically, emotionally and totally wrecked from exhaustion and have supported each other through it.

Examples at the top of my head for katara:

-in the waterbending master when fighting pakku her hair gets messy and breathing becomea rigid and at no point lets go of her (fierce and justified) anger towards him, aang watches them and cheers for her through it (“Go Katara!”) Also not forgetting how he doesn’t want to be taught by pakku if he won’t teach her.

-in the chase all the gaang are exhausted beyond point and katara snaps multiple times, when trying to confront toph, aang attempts calming her down but she has her “IM COMPLETELY CALM” reaction and aang decides to back away. I see it as him respecting her anger and frustration and understanding she needs space atm.

-the desert all the gaang are not themselves and katara takes over as the leader in that situation, aang is incredibly distraught and furious about losing appa and it’s katara that manages to get everyone back on track, esprcially aang.

- this leads to the serpent’s pass where aang in return regrets his outburst at the sand benders and understand and appreciates kataras effort for what she did back there for all of them, esprcially him in his pure rage.

-the puppet master, katara forcibly learns bloodbending and is distraught over this fact. It’s a very brief moment in the last few seconds but she breaks down and aang and sokka comfort her without any words said and let katara hurt in that moment without any pressure to get it together.

-the southern raiders we see her at her possible worst and aang sees it too. He fully understand her anger and that she needs this journey to heal but doesn’t want her to lose herself by killing the man because it would destroy her to take a life even if he deserved it. Aang empathsizes with her and he is happy she was able to come to her own conclusion despite the pain thr both felt (her going through all these emotions and him seeing her not being herself at that moment before)

Phew sorry that was so wordy lol. Apologies^^”

I also think the show lets her be messy and not “perfect” in scenes without aang too (hakoda and her in S3EP1) but i know that wasnt ur og point.

I totally think the show can be critisized with certain designs tho tbf i don’t blame aang personally for blushing at her when she is really pretty, it is his crush and he is a boy in puberty. He loves her at her best looking times and messiest times (whether thats her emotional or physical state) and always shows it through words and other means of affection.

To end this needlessly long ask I agree with some of what u said but i wanted to add my own thoughts because i couldn’t get myself to agree on others. Sorry for any spelling or grammatical mistakes!

I love analytical posts and how they keep the gears in my head moving. Thank you very much for, firstly, reading my posts, it’s very nice. It’s immediately obvious that you also read the hashtags :3

Thank you for the compliments on my drawings, it’s very nice to hear 💖❤️💖

And, secondly, for writing your post and sending it to me, considering the idea from different angles and complementing it.

I want to say right away: no one is obliged to agree with me for the simple reason that each of us has his own interpretation of this series. It's too ambiguous to have only one true reading, and therefore the difference in points of view complements each other. It's IMPORTANT for us to have different opinions and help each other see different sides of interpretation :3

The phrase itself from the series is wonderfully suitable here, I can’t say it better:

It is important to draw wisdom from many different places. If we take it from only one place, it becomes rigid and stale. Understanding others, the other elements, and the other nations, will help you become whole... It can make you more powerful.

Regarding Katara’s fatigue, I said in hashtags here that it was only shown in two episodes: “The Desert” and “The Southern Raiders.” As you can see, @leanniera gave a few more examples, and I just want to leave them on my wall as part of the theme.

#atla #avatar: the last airbender #katara's fatigue #wakkass: answer

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incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 4 years

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[SPOILERS FOR LEO’S ROUTE❗️] okay so i just got to the bit after leo reveals what he is, and mc and comte are talking on the balcony & comte offers to turn her into a vampire if she would like. obviously mc declines but i guess my question is, how do you think leonardo would react if mc DID agree to that offer? i am enjoying his route, but i kinda get the feeling he mostly/only loves mc because she is human :/ im interested abt what might happen if she didn’t say no? thank you v much💖💖ly lots

Aww, ily3 hun tyty 💕💕💕I’ll offer my thoughts below, I hope I can answer your questions to satisfaction!

Ah yes, the point in Leo's route where I essentially get shot in the leg and limp through my walk of shame

Jk jk, but I think there has been a considerable degree of displeasure associated with Leonardo's line in the proverbial sand. No life with him can be spent as a vampire, MC must remain human. Despite his easygoing nature, he remains stalwart in his opposition no matter what the MC or Comte has to say. To summarize it quickly, Comte’s relieved exasperation at the end of Leo’s MS gets more across than I think any of my analysis can convey “Thank heavens one of you has good sense.” It offers the implication that he has tried to broach the topic with Leonardo out of concern, only to be met by a brick wall--or doesn’t try at all for fear that he’ll only ensconce Leonardo further into rejecting a greater future for him and MC.

As to how he would react I......really don’t think it would go well? Only because I think it would serve to reinforce the rifts that already exist in Leonardo’s self-perception. He would believe it was his own fault for pushing her in that direction, and while I don’t think he would hate Comte, he would definitely become estranged from one of his only close friends in life. (What GUTS ME about Comte offering to turn MC is that he is probably well aware Leo might beat the shit out of him, never talk to him again, or both--and he still fully accepts that he could lose his best friend to guarantee a future for both of them. Excuse me while I bawl in the corner) He probably wouldn’t hold it against Comte for too long, but he wouldn’t be any less aggrieved and hurt. And when Leonardo is vulnerable, he will hide and nurse his wounds until he can behave with some level of calm--or at the very least until he can pretend he’s okay after an initial explosion. He doesn’t feel comfortable troubling people with his own problems, so he tends to fall into silence when personal things come up. This doesn’t necessarily mean he resolves all of his emotional turmoil, or heals that fast; it only means that he wallows in those feelings alone unless they’re tugged out of him and worked through forcibly.

Basically, I see only one of two possibilities coming to fruition. The first is that he and MC would wobble only to completely fall apart if some kind of resolution could never be found. He’d continue to blame himself and start sabotaging his own happiness, and that would likely mean some level of selfishness directed at MC--resulting in anguish for the both of them. If MC takes on too much without complaint or Leonardo goes too far...I get the feeling that relationship would either end in shambles immediately, or result in a kind of twisted union in which both feel responsible for the other’s hurt but neither one can relieve it (until they’d be forced to split up before someone gets seriously hurt). They would be the source of each other’s suffering, so much so that the walls climbing between them might never again lower.

This might sound odd, but if there’s one thing that Leonardo needs it’s control when it comes to his relationships with others. It is a subtle, but acute trait that might not seem obvious knowing his magnanimous disposition. He decides if MC gets to be a vampire, he bargains with Sebastian because he refuses to be a test subject, he refuses to validate Comte’s conclusions (despite knowing he’s right) because he doesn’t want to cede the power silence/smokescreens offer his emotional vulnerabilities. Even around villains like Shakespeare and the final serial killer, pay close attention. Shakespeare begins revealing deeply personal information and wishes that Leonardo holds close to his heart on purpose, snatching Leonardo’s agency and ability to control how his feelings are being conveyed. How does Leonardo respond? With explosive, forbidding anger--instantaneous and barely contained, nothing at all like his breezy attitude and calm.

If you think about it, it’s a fairly obvious extension of the humiliating powerlessness by which he was raised (he needs to be in control; he needs to be the one who decides who gets to walk away and who doesn’t. He doesn’t come on to MC because he wants to, he does it for the sole purpose of scaring her out of wanting to be a vampire. He doesn’t even attempt to explain where he’s coming from because he falls into whole-scale panic. When he loses control of the trajectory of others--of how they perceive certain things about him--all of his charisma fails him. If he can’t explain or justify where he is mentally, when he’s too afraid they won’t hear him or care, then he needs to redirect the opposing party). Additionally, he feels responsible; that he can better adjust the outcome with his experience--and while that may be true for some things, sometimes he gets ahead of himself. Only an individual can decide their own future and their own happiness, the most others can do is enhance or worsen aspects of life. He doesn’t have enough faith that his presence is positive or worthwhile enough to guarantee his spouse’s happiness ;-;

The other possibility I see is MC coaxing him as best she can into reassurance that she’s happy with her new life. While he may have doubts, there is absolutely room for her to help him approach those fears little by little. If Leonardo has even a hint of doubt in regards to his dismal feelings about her being turned, a potential for acceptance may be nurtured. I don’t think his uncertainty would ever fully vanish; there will always be a lurking fear that a fate tied to his can only mean suffering and disappointment. Prove his worth and compassion with time, and this man will be unable to remember how life was lived before her. It would take a great deal of patience and a sizable obstacle, but it wouldn’t be impossible. His heart is much too big for that, I think.

I don’t think happiness with a turned MC is impossible, only that it would take a lot of work to swing it after a heated moment of decision. I think the way to go with Leonardo is a more enduring effort. He shows much more receptivity after years of being together. I think time, ironically, helps him relax into the possibility of forever as a couple. I think he cannot conceptualize a world in which he is in love, and that this love is not conditional--not dependent on his ability to be the perfect companion, the brilliant inventor, the equanimous mentor. I think he needs to see for himself that love can be gentle and real and whole even when he’s at his worst (by his self-perception).

Also I put some extra meta under the cut because I have brainworms and just can’t stop thinking about Leonardo rn so read if you like, but it’s more related to why he feels this way abt turning MC than necessarily about the outcome.

That being said, I'm conflicted because I don't necessarily think Leonardo only loves MC because she's human? (Rather, I think it’s more a result of his history and the values he’s developed in response to that upbringing. But I’ll loop back to this in a bit, so stay tuned)

I say this for two reasons. Firstly, I don't want to say that no person in this period shared his values (I mean look at Comte)--this would be an overstatement, even if it was rare. But it does appear that Comte and Leonardo are acute exceptions within vampire society in elevating human beings to an equal status among vampires (if not a higher status at points or depending on the person). As such, a vampire partner he’d be comfortable living with is unlikely. Human beings are more optimal in some regards (more adaptable and more egalitarian than vampires, most likely), but he also knows that he’s more susceptible to falling in love with a human; so he makes sure to squash his feelings or remove himself when his feelings become too intense.

Secondly, he's in close quarters with MC by necessity, and reacts to her isolation by virtue of the situation. That's probably half the reason they get together at all; he was fully intending to keep his distance despite his initial curiosity. One thing this signals to me is that even when Leonardo did feel attraction to any person he was in contact with, he would avoid them until they were removed from his presence--or he deflected their romantic approaches enough times for them to give up. With this in mind, it can come as no surprise that Leonardo has kept to himself for nearly five hundred years now. If it was another vampire hitting on him (especially a pureblood), he would be playing into his parents' expectations and would approach the vampire social hierarchy he was working so hard to escape. If they were human, he would deem himself a burden; he could never love them within the normal expectations of a human couple (growing old together, raising a family, etc etc). So ultimately I think it's less her being human, and more their compatibility and context.

As such, I think he just locks himself into a kind of Catch-22? Because in the end I think this is more about his own fears and insecurities--that he can never make someone happy, that he himself will never be enough (hello child of abusive home). Not to oversimplify his character, but one crucial element of his upbringing must be considered if he is to be analyzed properly.

There's something I often think about:

Comte, quoting Leonardo: "‘Not all parents love their children, or even think of them as such.’" [Though he got away and was able to make a life for himself, he had to do it alone.]

There is. A LOT to unpack here. While we may not have evidence of what his familia is like firsthand, this description tells us...so many heartbreaking things. It tells us that Leonardo never once felt like anything more than a child intended to carry on a legacy. The likelihood that his insights, his feelings, or his entire self-hood were acknowledged is pretty much at a hardcore negative three. While it's been a good number of years since he was the problem child/family disappointment, I feel like so many of those experiences seep into his capacity to properly accept the love of another person. It's a good portion of the reason he struggles so intensely with being loved despite his unfathomable wealth of affection for other people. When a person is diagnosed with unlovable and cringe for having positive feelings for others, it's not really surprising that a person might have trouble accepting a commitment or attraction to another person. There is...a kind of Sisyphus dilemma that surfaces in the wake of that kind of life, a constant push + pull between craving acceptance and either expecting it’s loss and/or fearing it’s disappointment. Though he shows signs of healing from it, there are still portions that linger. (Jean-Paul shakes him from this self-berating in his MS, but after four hundred years he still struggles to overcome those instincts. I wish there were words for the extent to which that knowledge breaks my heart...Many say time heals all wounds, but sometimes I think only others can heal them.)

Keep in mind, I don't think his enduring fallacy that "human beings are the epitome of untainted purpose and vitality" is irrelevant or less problematic here. I just think it's a reflection of a deeper disturbance and loss. It's a reflection of his parents' unilateral rejection of the kinder parts of him; his devotion to patience and understanding. It's a kind of reiteration or what he's already known: he's doing exactly what his parents did in an odd way, he's rejecting vampirism whole-scale despite evidence of both pros and cons (just as it is for humanity). I will always offer that his fear of something going wrong during the change is completely valid--but it does feel more like a fear of admitting that vampires (and eternity for that matter) aren't inherently awful. He ran away from his parents for good reason of course, but for all his running he didn’t escape their black and white logic.

It’s funny too, because his absolutism is kind of reflected in his inability to commit to a single discipline in some ways; while part of it is that he probably exhausts study, I have to wonder how much of him oscillating is a fear of eventual failure. (Think his reaction to MC’s knowledge that he can’t dance, his mortification and utter...shock that she wouldn’t use it as a way to make him feel terrible about himself). He probably prefers to hone his skills helping people because the motivation of providing relief is a much more powerful motivator than knowledge for knowledge’s own sake. He needs the impetus, that drive to move him.

Granted, I won't fault anyone for feeling like Leonardo only loves MC for her humanity. At first glance it really did feel that way! But the more I think about it, the more I feel it has more to do with the weight of his life's experience, and the parts of himself he hasn’t been able to reconcile.

Sometimes, with Leonardo, I urge gentleness. So much of who he is disguises all the ways in which he has been hurt. While his decision is selfish and foolish, it comes from a broken place. My unhappiness will always lie predominantly with the fact that he believes to his core that happiness and self-respect is something he doesn’t deserve.

#asks #ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp leonardo #ikevamp mc #ikevamp meta #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp comte #er this response got a lot longer and more detailed than i meant it to be but uh #i hope it's helpful?#this is just how i tend to think about the game but then im also a feral leo stan alhkjadagd #im just that meme like 'i love you but i hate you but i love you' with leo LMFAO #sometimes u just gotta smack some sense into the man (which is why i love that Jean-Paul does exactly that HAHAHA)#but yeah most of the time i look at leo and have to resist the urge to cry and the recent event has been absolutely no exception #i would die for him

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thelostandforgottenangel · 4 years

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Good Morning everyone! I'm back!

I am happy to say that it is over, any reported harassment's against me were investigated; I had to send so much crap in and was told to wait; I was not guaranteed anything but it is luckily over and I can move past that and enjoy my followers and dear Tumblr family once again

Thank you for the few who gave me the support; I did get the messages whoever you are, I really would like to put a face to them but will not post them publicly to keep everyone safe.

Now I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for whatever I did because for the two people I had contact with talked me out of a very permanent plan to officially leave here if I lost my page after many years of being able to confide in people who cared and built me up because this is my safe zone; my safe haven away from my reality which I do need my escape to forget for just a second.

Returning to Tumblr after a forced hiatus, I was just happy to be back and check on my loved ones; getting my new phone in and finally having access to the internet again had me so happy until I got a message I did not fully understand

Now I had just returned; I had no clue what was going on when this happened and, yes, it upset me deeply to be delighted to talk to somebody I considered a friend and instead while replying to ask how they were doing wanting to be sure they were okay ((Understanding the person had been having troubles before I vanished I was looking in on a friend)) before the chat showed they had blocked me right after

Like everyone on here except one person; there is no way to contact me if I go missing. If I am not here due to I either: 1.) not having internet thanks to the person in control of it or 2.) functioning with a broken phone meaning - I did not get updates unless it was somebody who knew who to contact

I had no other way of reaching out since the friend is no longer active here after leaving months ago.

I had no clue what was transpiring and, Lexi, who anyone who has followed me since the beginning, is my lovely Anonymous penpal who sends me writing ideas for stories and the only real reason I left anonymous asks active because she, like me, suffers from extreme anxiety was trying to boost positivity for me because she understood my situation and the place I am in

I understand now she contacted a lot of people looking for me because; my anon messaging was finally turned off weeks before I left right after I stood up to my bully – I am sorry for that I did not get to say goodbye to anyone because it happened without warning and to those who knew what was going on I knew you would understand, and I know I worried a few people, it was never my plan to be such an inconvenience

Now at some point in the last few days, I had a dear friend send me some things in a submission that I never saw and wish I never had, thankfully; I know now, and for the sake of their sanity and to keep from adding any more drama or toxic actions to our wonderful fandom, they will remain unnamed because I do not want them catching any hate

Nobody here deserves hate.

So I will not be posting the original nor will I release the creator's name; this was a problem between us it stays between us because I do not wish ill on you; I hope you are successful and are having no more issues, I know returning to my page and not seeing any anon hate in my box after ten days is very refreshing for a change

I have seen everything said about me in three possibly four separate posts since it was all sent to me as one with little separations in-between, and I’m okay with it; I guess I have to accept this is how you feel I have nothing else to say on the matter

What you are saying is fine; I’m not going to let it get me, that is your opinion, and as human's, we are all allowed to have an opinion

Now, I don't know if you will see this, but I don’t think you are crazy in any way; I think you are intelligent and you have a huge heart; in our IM's you told me about your disorder also about you mental problem and like I said there I still understand; it runs in my family and, thankfully it bypassed me; but I still have compassion for those battling mental illnesses since I do have a few myself

I didn’t know about the ask you got until you mentioned it before I returned, and since mentioned by my best friend that she got one too earlier in the day I already knew who you were talking about

I had just seen it when I got blocked, and I didn’t fully get to read it until this morning when I was finally able to log on, and yes, I privately told you who that anon was because I had told her what a sweet person you were encouraging her to friend you, I have no idea how I lied but it is okay too

I was not here for those hate messages nor was I involved in anything I get too much hate daily when I am here to even dream of sending it but, nobody will believe me except anyone who has ever interacted with me

In your post, you warned people about three of those five people (Again; the ones I know about will not be named)

I only tried to interact once with your Raph; the response was enough to discourage me from ever trying again; you were stressed I got that because of everything going on I can only imagine you felt like it was an attack, I did not want an RP I just needed somebody to talk to that night, and, for once I didn't go directly to private messages as I do with everyone, that was my fault so I deserved the blow up even if I did not know about that RP until you explained. I apologized, profusely because I felt bad for bringing up – it was to talk, something many know I am not good at, I didn’t know the subject would hurt you; we had never interacted but you had offered to interact with me at one time if I needed you and trying to heal I attempted to reach out on the only thing I had seen on your page a long time ago

I don't get to RP for me haven't for a long while now, but I try to make others happy

But I am sorry I made an effort to reach out; you didn't need that

So if you are in the TMNT fandom, please be cautious because I only seem cause problems for the people I care for

You blocked me, you have your reasons, and yes, I do respect them and, after this post, it is in the past; I hope you are doing and getting along well

And guys, I can’t and will not give the name of this person or do it privately because I don’t want them catching any hate, but please, by all means, if you ever find their blog follow them; they are so talented and deserve so much love from this fandom

Lastly, while I will be staying on Tumblr because I do not want to leave any of you, I will be making several changes to my several pages soon to make sure this never happens again and to all my followers; I love you guys, and for that, I will no longer be posting struggles on here anymore even though I only gave you guys a penny in a 10-gallon bucket because I needed comfort that was too much; my problems are my burden, not yours; and I can not say how sorry I am that I ever put that on any of you

Nobody needs to know what their friends are dealing with when we come here to be happy because it is too much to put on anyone not personally dealing with it, so you will only see the sadness in my stories and only see the struggle in my art

My ask box will be open; anon will alternate day to day but, any hate I hope not to see will be deleted immediately; if your face is on the lovely message; you will be blocked right there just like the last 12 people since quarantine started for me in February

Also, while I am still here *this is a scheduled post it is 4 a.m. my time will post, hopefully after I am asleep cause my sleep schedule is grossly off* I do not want ANY hate streaming from this post, I know my followers will not do that to anyone; this is just me getting it out of my system

We are breaking the chain of toxicity right here! We were not meant to be friends in this lifetime but maybe the next

Tumblr, at one point, was always a beautiful, safe place for many of us who needed a way out of our situations; and when I joined in 2014 as a supernatural blog I was run off, then I came back again in 2016 for TMNT and found my family some of us just wanted a place to be us; to not be judged for who we were, it needs to go back to that for all of its members soon.

We have already lost way too many wonderful creators from here let's not lose any more

And if you have noticed a difference in the last three months, mostly pertaining to my writing; I downloaded Grammarly and started taking classes with my old English teacher on ZOOM who, bless her heart, had to deal with my dumbass in school because I suck at punctuality.

I was very self-conscious about admitting that, but somebody reminded me there is no shame in learning something again and I have been working hard

#scheduled #mun will be on later #been up all night with sick kids

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divinedeceptions-blog · 6 years

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The roof ridge walk

Quick note - I’ve posted this on my AO3 account as well so feel free to check that out. Also Im back from the dead hello.

Word count: 3978

Josie Pye had been very smug when she'd successfully walked the fence, glancing around at everybody in an extremely boastful manor. Anne had scoffed loudly, proclaiming that she'd know a girl who could walk the ridge pole of a building.

She'd felt an obligation to one-up Josie, and found great pleasure in watching her face twist and contort into sour expressions which made her look like she was sucking on a very bitter lemon. Anne had previously endured her not so subtle comments during class, biting back her rather insistent tongue and exchanging irritated glances with Diana. They weren’t an uncommon occurrence as it seemed Josie wasn’t the only one who enjoyed belittling Anne whenever the opportunity showed itself. Billy Andrews often had a very enjoyable time announcing that she was the ugliest dog he’d ever seen, and would then proceed to make barking sounds until he either got bored or Anne threatened to push him in the river.

So, naturally, when Josie Pye had told her explicitly that no one could do such a thing as walk a roof, and had very quickly dared her to do just that, Anne had of course jumped at the opportunity to wipe the smug grin off of her face and prove exactly what she was capable of.

A few groans and several gasps had spurred Anne on to confidently stride around the back of the school building and begin to ascend the ladder that was used for maintenance. She was only two rungs up when she heard calls from Ruby, Jane, Tillie and Diana telling her not to listen to Josie and come back down before she fell and hurt herself. Anne determinedly chose to ignore these, although she did tell Diana that if she did indeed fall to her most dramatic and possibly rather romantic death, she could have her green dress. This however didn't seem to comfort Diana at all.

She turned to grin down at Josie, admittedly wanting very much to gloat as much as she could, however Anne regretted it almost immediately and had the sudden realisation of how high up she really was. Her fingers curled harder around the rungs so that she wouldn’t loose her balance. The roof looked far taller from up there than it did on the ground.

For a few short seconds, she considered feigning illness and climbing right back down, hoping that that would be a plausible excuse and no one would mention the incident again. But she was already half way up the ladder and she'd come to the conclusion that she'd rather fall than loose all pride and dignity if she didn't pull through with her plans. With a solemn and heavy heart, she continued to climb up, rung by rung and step by step, a tingly nervous feeling pulsing in her hands and feet at the anticipation.

The ladder was slightly slippery, and Anne had trouble keeping her grip as she climbed higher and higher to the brim of the rooftop, her hands clawing at the tiles to find a grip for her to hold onto. Once she had, she heaved herself onto the roof so that her stomach lay flat on the cold surface. She could still hear the shouts and pleads from the others to come back down, but she blocked them out hastily, steadying her balance and attempting to stand up. Anne nearly slipped in doing so, holding onto the roof ridge to keep herself from falling off.

She took the time to glance around at her surroundings, making sure her eyes didn’t linger on the ground for more than a second. Her gaze had been caught on the edge of the hills, a thin strip of light brushing the silhouetted trees. For a short moment, she forgot exactly what she was doing and watched as the sun poured gold onto horizon. She was sure she could see all of Avonlea, small houses speckled around the land and the church steeple just peeking over the hills. Grinning, she felt a sudden surge of confidence at the sight, feeling as though she were the Queen, the fair and noble ruler of all land as far as the eye could see. The wind almost seemed colder up here then it did on the ground, and as Anne began to stand up again, she felt courageous and brave, as if leading on her mighty army to conquer whoever dared to harm her people.

And then reality kicked back in as she took her first step, although she maintained a steady balance her feet felt as though they could slip at any moment on the thin surface. Why did it look higher up than it did on the ground? Anne tried to focus her attention on the spot at the end, mentally counting down how many steps it would take for her to reach her goal. There was silence below her as each person held their breath. Billy had a rather nasty smile on his face, Josie seemed to be looking rather worried now that she knew the extent of what she had made Anne do, perhaps she would get in trouble if she fell. Gilbert hadn't kept his eyes off of her, trying very hard to fight the urge to shout out encouragement in fear that it would distract her and she'd fall. Diana was very close to tears, screwing up her lace handkerchief in one hand and clinging onto Ruby with the other.

Anne had made it half way across the ridge pole, a smile beginning to itch at her lips as she led her army on through the raging fires and battling winds, a purple storm stirring ominously above. When all of a sudden, her knights and soldiers had fallen away through the cracks, her stormy skies and billowing winds sucked dry from her imagination as her feet left the roof and she came tumbling and spinning down the side of the school building. It felt as though she'd been swept beneath the waves of a roaring sea, being twirled and turned by the relentless currents trying to pull her further and further down into the watery abyss.

Then she hit something. The ground she assumed. It was a very strange feeling because at first, Anne felt totally fine, slightly dazed at the most but other than that, she felt perfectly alright. Then she realised she couldn't hear very well, and there was a queer ringing in her right ear which made her feel very fuzzy. When Anne tried to open her eyes, there were about 10 blurry people who all looked like they had multiple heads sprouting from the necks, crowding around her. Everything seemed to be spinning as though someone had spun the earth like a spinning top and sent it hurtling through infinity.

"Anne!" Someone was shouting her name, and although the ringing had started to grow quieter she still couldn't make out who it was.

"Anne!" Her hands began to stroke the soft grass, it was a bit cold and rather wet but it felt nice. She'd never really fully appreciated its beauty, and she almost felt a bit guilty for leaving it out.

"Anne!" Then a very recognisable head popped in front of her face and she began to focus on what they were saying and who they were. Diana had firmly gripped onto Anne's shoulders, curls of hair falling out of its neat bow and sticking to her face. She still looked very beautiful and Anne almost felt like laughing at such a vain thing to think of whilst she seemed to be in quite the state of despair. Marilla would’ve scolded her at the thought.

��Are you alright Anne?” She seemed to be crying. “I think I’m unconscious Diana”, and Diana then let out a huge breath and allowed a smile to peak through her lips. Anne tried to sit up but another, much deeper voice told her to stay still for a moment. She tilted her head up slightly to see who it was, her eyes laying on a very concentrated Gilbert who was examining her very swollen looking ankle. Anne though it was a bit strange that she couldn’t feel anything wrong with her ankle despite the fact that it was a vivid shade of red and purple, and it appeared to have doubled in size.

“I think you’ve broken it” Gilbert grimaced, shooting a reassuring smile her way.

Anne stared at him. “Broken?!” She said with a bit too much enthusiasm “but that’ll take far too long to heal!”.

Her head seemed to be clearing and her ankle began to throb, a slightly nauseated feeling building in her stomach. Gilbert ignored her, taking her under the arm and slowly helping her stand up. Diana was staring through very red looking eyes as the other children began to disperse and whisper to each other.

“Diana can you please let Miss Stacy know that I’ve gone to help Anne home as she’s broken broken her ankle and needs assistance walking” Gilbert spoke aloud, sounding very professional and business like. Diana protested mildly, saying that she didn’t mind taking Anne herself. But Gilbert shook his head with a smile in response and swung Anne’s arm around his shoulder, holding onto her wrist to support her.

Anne, who was having a hard time trying not to enjoy the physical contact, tried to focus on the pain of her ankle as that seemed like a much better thing to do than admit any type of feelings regarding Gilbert. It wasn’t like she hadn’t tried to supress them. She’d been doing a very good job at it actually, and for a short while, she even concluded that they’d once and for all disappeared. Although when summer came back around and Gibert had turned up to school with eyes suddenly looking extremely green, hair looking extremely dark and curly, and a grin that could make anyone swoon, Anne had realised that she might have to try a bit harder.

Anne inhaled at the thought, drawing Gilbert’s attention who now had that very stupidly attractive grin on his face. His fingers were still clutched around her wrist, not quite daring to go any further down as his other hand hung onto the top of her waist gently, in fear of it seeming invasive. “You feeling alright? You haven’t said a word to me since we left” he joked, limping towards the forest and out of sight of the school.

“Fine” she replied rather quickly, her breathing slightly heavier than normal.

“I can take another look at if you lik-", “No no! Its fine- im fine, dont worry, just keep going” Gilbert frowned inwardly, but consequently decided that it was best not to try and persuade her. He knew as well as anybody that she had a temper to match her hair, and shortly concluded that he did indeed enjoy being liked by Anne, so he didn't push the topic any further.

Then a silence fell between them like the first leaves of autumn, rich and serene in the subtle hues of sunlight streaming through the canopy of branches above. Gilbert thought that he quite enjoyed being with Anne, even when she wasn't talking. He'd occasionally make short glances in her direction to see if she was okay, secretly enjoying the feeling of his skin on hers. Anne also enjoyed being with Gilbert, even without the conversation. If it were up to her, she would be relishing in the bliss of such a beautiful day, with the thick ivy cascading down friendly trees and the smiling faces of yellow and orange flowers greeting her as she moved past. But alas, her brain had other ideas.

On one hand she was thinking about how much her ankle was now beginning to painfully throb, and on the other she was thinking about how she could get out of the predicament that she had found herself in. She knew Ruby would not be happy if she could see Anne now, and Anne much preferred being friends with Ruby than letting her mind wander to people it shouldn't be wandering to. Although she couldn't help but notice the light trace his fingers left, making her tug at her sleeve nervously and subtly shake her head to try and dissolve the tempting feeling it gave her.

It almost felt like when a cold spring breeze passes through the forest trees and whistles gently to you, the soft wind caressing your cheek and leaving you flushed, feeling as though it had breathed new life into you. But then again, she thought, it wasn't cold like those mornings of dew and freshly grown flowers, it was warm like the midsummer nights. When the air was still and stars painted graceful hues of silver in the purple ecstasy of night, the smell of slightly dried wheat soaking through the soil. Skin slightly sticky from the water she'd allowed herself to slip into when she thought no one was watching, just to allow the cool ripples to lap at her neck whilst still maintaining a strong grip onto the river bank beside her.

Anne made a mental note to jot that down as idea for her new story.

She thought of making conversation so as to distract her from this new and unknown feeling, but had reservations as part of her thought that that might just make the whole situation a lot worse. Anne was surprised that Gilbert couldn't hear her thoughts as they seemed to be exerting as much volume as possible, each one trying to be louder than the next to catch her extremely divided attention.

Maybe he had however because he began to slow down and head towards a slightly damp looking tree stump in the middle of a small clearing, setting Anne down with care and allowing his hands to reluctantly fall from around her. He stayed quiet for a moment, breathing in the autumn air slowly, as though prolonging his very persistent question. Anne had already averted her eyes, choosing to stare at a fallen birch leaf which glowed a rather beautiful shade of gold, as though it had been dipped in treasure.

She knew she couldn't avoid his gaze for long but thought it was best to try and drag it out for as long as possible. She'd been doing rather well at it too, as Gilbert had already said her name three times before asking her something which managed to raise her head at a surprising speed.

"Are we friends?", he'd said, smiling as though she had said a joke, although letting it flicker and drop as he watched her blink in response.

Anne didn't answer, trying to see where she'd gone wrong in order for him to think that they weren't. She thought that perhaps she'd said or done something which seemed impertinent, or came across the wrong way.

"Gilbert th-" she stuttered momentarily. She wasn't particularly used to not knowing what to say. "Gilbert of course we are", her teeth began to nip at her lip nervously, wondering how exactly she could answer without slipping up and revealing too much.

He looked up at her slowly, allowing his gaze to travel up from her buckled black boots to the tips of her red braids. In the soft sun rays which filtered onto her face, her hair seemed to glow like fire, her eyes alight with the burning flames and her skin iridescent from the warm orange light. Gilbert thought that he quite liked looking at her like this, he could definitely get used to it.

"Gil I never mean to be rude or to ignore you, I certainly dont want you thinking that I dislike you. Its just difficult for me to be close friends with you because of wh-" and then Anne stopped herself with a sharp intake of breath. She knew Ruby would never forgive her if Gilbert found out about how Ruby 'had dibs'. Not that she wanted 'dibs' of course (although she internally smiled at the prospect); besides she's thought, Gilbert wasn't an object or an animal that she could claim her own.

Gilbert's ears had pricked up, his attention more focused on the words spilling from her lips rather than just her lips.

"Because of what? What do you mean?", he moved closer, rising slightly so that their heads were level.

"Im sorry but I can't say, it would be an injustice and I swore I wouldn't tell" Anne replied stubbornly, beginning to regain confidence at the thought of her friends.

"Oh how honourable of you" he grinned lightly, pulling at his sleeves so he could distract himself from the smile that was playing at the corners of Anne's mouth.

"Well I believe no less would be expected from Princess Cordelia", and now Gilbert was really grinning, and Anne was having trouble controlling her heart rate and the way her stomach would twist and flip at the sight of him.

There was a thread of light lacing itself across his face, weaving from the top of his right temple, down through his eye, across the bridge his nose and barely brushing the edge of his lips, finishing just on the line of his jaw with a golden pigment. She noticed the the way the slice of sunlight illuminated the green of his irises, reminding her of the lush green forests that were flush with dark wood and glistening leaves that she so often read about in books. Freckles lightly speckled and painted across his pink cheeks and nose, something she hadn't quite realised were there before. His lips red and soft looking, quirking upwards and exposing his teeth. His hair lay touched by soft shadows, each strand curling and winding as a few hung limp over his forehead. Anne quite liked his curls. Gilberts smile had began to fade, leaving behind a mellow expression on his face which looked so tender, and so kind that Anne was surprised that she hadn't melted into oblivion right then and there.

"I really am sorry Gil, I never meant to upset you", but he shook his head and blinked up at her, stretching out his fingers to push back a few strands of scarlet hair. As his skin touched hers almost torturously slow, he breathed in how soft it was, how warm she felt, how the contact could make the hairs on his neck stand on end and his heart skip what must've been at least several beats.

Anne thought it was a very peculiar feeling to suddenly have all of the breath sucked dry from her lungs, and to have feel each pound of her pulse as though it was a huge drum. It was such an extreme reaction compared to how lightly his fingers were brushing her cheek and neck, as if he were cautiously trying to touch a growling tiger that was ready to pounce at any given moment. They lingered on her jaw, his gaze flicking so quickly and so subtly to her lips that Anne was barely convinced that she saw it all.

"We should get going I suppose", he said quietly as though he didn't quite mean it, eyes still firmly focused on the redhead in front of him. "I suppose so" she replied with the same reluctance to avert her gaze.

So they watched each other for the few short seconds of hesitation. Taking in the angles of each others cheek bones and the spindles of light which so delicately embroiled itself into their iris's. Still focusing on the feeling of where they had touched, as though it had left a physical mark for them to see. Gilbert stood up slowly with a crunch of dry leaves beneath his feet. He held out his hand for her, pulling her arm around his neck once she had a solid grip, before looping his own arm around her torso and steadily walking as one down the crisp golden path.

"So 'Gil' huh?" he grinned lightly, allowing his fingers (which had gripped her wrist to help support her) to slip down to hers.

"Well I suppose that if you've given me a nickname, you should have one too" Anne replied quickly, her face turning a dark shade of pink. "Not that I particularly like my nickname, you really should come up with a better one"

"What?" he smiled, not noticing the small orange leaf which had just floated onto his shoulder "Carrots isn't good enough for you?".

She glared at him, allowing his fingers to gently lace between hers. "Its not very imaginative Gilbert, you could've at least been much more creative if you were going to mock me".

"Oh but carrots really does suit you, it'd be a shame to change something so good"

"I would've thought someone of your intellect couldn't possibly be so small minded, as to come up with the almost insultingly dim nickname of carrots. Something like... oh I don't know, 'rusty outhouse', would be much more subtitle".

It was many moments before Gilbert could regain his composure after that, he had to lean on a tree so that both himself and Anne wouldn't go toppling to the floor. All the while his fingers were still curled around hers tightly, eyes smiling wider than his lips and looking at her a though he would never stop. She quite liked that idea.

"Anne, you really are something else" he exhaled, only moments after he caught back his breath.

"Well you know I should hope so, how boring it would be to be plain and normal", she faltered slightly, "I mean personality wise, if we were talking about looks than I'm afraid to say I am far from interesting or beautiful, but I suppose you can't have everything in life".

Anne was grinning as though they were still joking around, and hadn't seemed to notice that Gilbert was no longer smiling. He could see green gables coming into view and knew that they had little time left, so very spontaneously, and almost as though his lips were leading him, he spoke the first thing that came to mind.

"If you want my opinion Anne, I think you're incredible. Im sure you can come up with a better word than I can as you have previously pointed out, but I think you look exquisite", and with that, Gilbert Blythe raised his chin confidently and tried to concentrate on anything but Anne incase that would stop her from noticing just how red his face was turning.

He didn't say anything else, only allowing his fingers to break free from hers, and instead gently fold them around her forearm which he deemed was probably more appropriate. She looked right at him, very ready to harshly berate him and potentially whack him over the head with a fallen tree branch - but she couldn't do it. Instead she could feel the heat from his skin and the fire from his eyes which were hooded with shadow. And she could smell the fresh pine needles beneath her feet which played so well with the sunken smoke in his coat and the sweet scent of toffee which seemed to follow him everywhere. And there was that constant lurch in the pit of her stomach which reminded her so vividly of when she fell from the roof ridge, but this time, she wasn't afraid of it.

Green Gables really was very close, the trees began to get thinner and thinner and Anne could see the clearing to the farm within a few metres of them. So, she did something rash.

Quickly, so quickly Gilbert wasn't even sure if it happened, she kissed his cheek.

"No," Anne was watching his eyes closely, her lips curling ever so slightly at the edges, "'exquisite' sounds perfect".

#anne of green gables #anne with an e #anne shirley #gilbert blythe #anne x gilbert #shirbert #fluff #anne and gilbert #Josie be wildin

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morwensteelsheen · 3 years

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Can I hear more about the similarities between Eowyn and Denethor? I had never thought of it then you mentioned it and now I see it more and more....And does Faramir notice too?

Also, wrt Grima: He's obviously nothing like Faramir at all, but both of them are sort of wizard pawns being used to different ends. Does this ever cause Emotions for Eowyn? I know it's a pretty small thought but I like the parallel...

oh god, yeah, so, in short i think they are people who are fundamentally incapable of imagining their lives outside of war and self-sacrifice.

practically i think they’re both people who don’t justify their actions or their beliefs in terms of hope. they have both completely given up on hope — and well before everybody else around them gives up on hope, so they have to look elsewhere for a reason to continue living. and both of them look to duty. it’s a hopeless duty, they don’t necessarily think what they’re doing is going to make things Better or Save The World, but they know that they’re expected to do certain things, so they’re going to do it. whereas, I think, everybody around them is still clinging to this idea of hope until basically the end. for both denethor and éowyn, what breaks them is not the destruction of their hope, but the realisation that their duty is failing them at a spiritual and emotional level. for big D it’s the realisation that his duty has led him to sacrificing his son, and for éowyn it’s the realisation that her duty has led to her sacrificing her right to Exist As She Wants. either way, both of them sought to replace hope with duty, and both of them realised — too late — that it just wouldn’t do the job for them psychologically. and that was a brutal injury for them.

but also i think the instinct to go to emotional isolation — as you pointed out earlier — is important for both of them. neither of them are capable of fully hiding their misery (such is the extent of their misery), but neither of them make any attempts to reach out to others and seek communion/healing before reaching their breaking point. the level of intended emotional catharsis in éowyn riding to the pelennor and denethor building his pyre is basically the same for me, it’s just that éowyn’s is incidentally morally good whereas denethor’s is morally bad.

Also i think there’s the relationship to war that both of them have. Both of them use it to seek approval and justification for their existence, both of them find it ultimately lacking in that.

I don’t know if Faramir notices the similarities tbh. I think he probably does, that’s my gut instinct. but also i think my gut instinct with faramir is regularly wrong, so i’ll probably revise that take in a few days. anyways, the extent to which he’s willing to openly acknowledge it is an entirely different question. I think if anything he probably sees in Éowyn (in canonverse) the chance for life and happiness that his father never had — and the chance for reconciliation that he never sought. But I think he’s probably also defensive of his psychological autonomy enough that he’s like… nah, not opening that particular Pandora’s box lol. subconsciously though, I think he’s certainly recognising the chance for a happy and emotionally open family life and wanting to jump at that, which I don’t think you can divorce from his relationship to his father.

The Gríma thing!!!!!! I had never thought of that but I am YELLING mentally about it because it’s SUCH a brilliant point. I think if Éowyn is ever forced to confront it after she is committed to having a relationship with faramir she probably IMMEDIATELY shuts it down as a self-defence mechanism. but that’s as far as I can get on instinct wrt to that characterisation. Okay wow actually that is such a good point im gonna have to go away and think about that more.

#asks #man that Gríma point 🥺🥺🥺

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mizukikuramoto · 7 years

Text

“KILL JA̶CKSEPTICEYE | Bio IN̵̛c Redemp T̨I̶̢on” Analysis + Theory

I don’t know if this is going to get any attention in the tag... that’s alright if it doesn’t. I just want to collect my thoughts into an analysis and a theory.

Well well well... Anti is back for more, and we also had the pleasure of seeing Dr.Schnee in action... Let’s just get to the point. Hey g͚̘͉̘̖̼̤͒̓̆̓͌̚͡ĺ̷̞̙̰̳͔̯̼̞̓̆͑̃̚͢͝ȉ̵̬͕̖̥͊̉̐̕̕̚͜͠ẗ̡̻̝͍͇́̑̈́̔̽̄͞͡͡ͅc̷̬̳̭͉͉͚̹̗̏͑̊̌̐̇͛́͡͡ͅh̦̘̪̥̽̾̒̋̉̃̀ͅ b̷̧̠͖̦̗̍͌̑̈́͗̇̕͜͠͡͠i̶̯̭͔̪̭̫͍̣͍̳͑́̈̉͌̆͞ţ̧̭͕̭̙̩͔̭̲͛̈̄̓̊c̬̰̞͔̹̱̙̪̹̳̉͌̀̃̒̑̚͡ḣ̶̨̜͙̜̙̔̈̋̋̕̕͝!̨̛̛̞̠̳͕̌͌̎̓͐͆͢ I’m going to shoot your plans out of the water!

But first, let’s dissect this video a little bit. I’ll be using time stamps as a reference.

[0:39 - 0:45] Jack feels sick and steps out of the video, covering his mouth as if he’s about to throw up.

[0:47] Ze good Doctah takes over! He is confident, per usual.

[1:22 - 1:28] “JackSepticEye. . . he is one of my dear friends.” Normal for an alternative ego to have a correlating relationship with the ‘main ego.’ He expresses an attachment to Jack.

[2:00 - 2:10] “Taking shape, taking form. You do not look the best. You do not look the way you have always looked. You do not look like... yourself...” A bit weird to say that after assuming a stomach problem. It’s as if Dr.Schneep is aware of Jack’s disposition, that Anti is slowly taking control of him and that it’s physically taking a toll on him... well, perhaps appearance wise, but the video in itself is showing that Anti is causing Jack to slowly inch to death.

[2:22] The first glitch is seen. Subtle, sudden. Dr.Schneep appears to be fine.

[2:57 - 3:02] “Always. Always with the mood swings, one time he is one person, the next time he is a completely different person.” I’m probably looking at this too much... I just found this interesting.

[3:07] Ze doctah’s eye is itchy... ehh, it’s probably because Jack’s eye is itchy. Nothing more probably.

[3:41 - 3:45] Dr.Schneep starts to worry about Jack. The appropriate response for a concerning doctor and friend.

[4:14] The second glitch is seen. Longer than the first. It looks like Dr.Schneep is getting a nose bleed, just like how Jack got one from the “Say Goodbye” video. This could be Anti infecting him.

[4:18 - 4:28] “I saved my very good friend Chase. Chase Brody, he went back. He saw his family. Did they take him back? We may never know--” I mean, there’s speculation that Anti already got Chase. I saw a picture of Anti with his hat in a post. Just a thought. Dr.Schneep is getting a bit more concerned.

[4:54] Preeeety specific with the ‘anti’ in anti-coagulants...

[5:03 - 5:12] “If something gets inside your body, and it wants to destroy you from the inside out, there’s only one way to deal with it and that way is SCHNEEPLESTEN.” Things are starting to get serious. It’s just like timestamp [2:00 - 2:10], it’s as if he knows that Anti is slowly gaining more control over Jack. The third glitch shows ze doctah with black eyes, just like Anti’s. Anti has now fully infected Dr.Schneep, and I think he knows it too.

[5:12 - 5:25] “You’re not... looking yourself. It’s getting very warm in here. . . very scary, very, very, nervous.” He is reaaaaally stressing out at this point. He’s trying to compose himself, but he is really worried about Jack and he’s getting flustered. Him saying that it’s very warm is probably due to him panicking.

[5:26 - 5:34] “What is happening? I feel it in my own arm.” Jack and Dr.Schneep are one and the same, they have a connection. Maybe it’s a heightened connection since Anti is inflicting pain on Jack while infecting ze Doctah.

[6:03] The fourth glitch happens. Dr.Schneep is rubbing his neck. It possibly connects to the slit on Anti’s neck? The one he stitched?

[6:32] The fifth glitch happens. Ze doctah is stressed out of his mind.’

[6:38 - 6:43] “You need... get... whatever is inside that brain! Whatever is inside, we need to get it out!” He is fully aware of what is happening to him, and he is stressing out big time because he is going to lose Jack if he doesn’t do anything. The sixth glitch shows Dr.Schneep convulsing, as if possessed.

[6:44 - 6:47] The flickering of the glitches are becoming more frequent, and Anti’s voice emanates from Dr.Schneep’s voice when he says ‘die.’

[6:49 -6:54] “Not again, I will not lose you. I almost lost you once before.” HE’S ADMITTING THAT HE STITCHED AND HEALED ANTI AFTER “SAY GOODBYE!” This is it! After Jack killed himself, Anti took over his body, and ze doctah stitched him back together. It’s still Jack’s body nonetheless! More flickering occurs.

[6:58] Dr.Schneep is freaking out, he has no idea what to do. He’s going to lose Jack. He is panicking.

[7:15] His attempts to save Jack are becoming futile. Systems failure is in the Zalgo/creepy font in cc. The camera flickers dimly to reveal Anti for the first time, smiling at us. Anti knows that he’s going to kill Jack, again.

[7:40 - 7:48] Dr.Schneep grows anxious.Anti speaks out from ze doctah with maniacal laughter. Anti has more control over him.

[7:51 - 8:02] “Ve need to save him-- I need your help!!” Dr.Schneep is being driven by fear and panic. The feedback of the camera is lagging. He knows his demise is coming, and now he’s screaming at the audience to help Jack. He knows that we, the community, can stop Anti, but he alone cannot. Anti continues to speak over ze doctah, telling the audience to save him and not Jack... just like he always wanted us to do. (By the way that was a pretty cool transition from Sean to Anti c:)

[8:05 - 8:10] “Antidepressants, Anti-- depress--press--press--press. We have to depress Anti--and--get him out of there!” He’s trying to fight against Anti’s influence. He doesn’t have that much time, and now he’s trying to go against the glitch to send the community a message to stop Anti.

[8:11 - 8:20] Anti fights back and manipulates Dr.Schneep’s body to hang itself on the cord of his headphones. Ze doctah- thank goodness that this happened- breaks out of Anti’s control and continues to do his best to save Jack. This shows that he was, originally, one of the strongest egos among Jack’s alternatives. Sadly, he’s losing the battle as he is slowly fusing with the glitches of the video.

[8:24 - 8:29] Dr.Schneep is stuck in the control of Anti’s glitch, which is apparent from his repetitive, yet contorted, mention of anti-coagulants. His movement is synced with Anti’s as the camera flickers between ze doctah and Anti, signifying that Anti has full control over him now. Their expressions match, the madness is taking over him with every pulse of a glitch.

[8:30 - 8:46] Ze doctah’s pain is either the connection with Jack slowly dying, or the pain is from Anti which he is inflicting upon him. Anti, in the background, continues to laugh as Dr.Schneep succumbs to the realization that Jack will die, that whatever he did made Jack worse, that his efforts were wasted on someone that was going to die.

This is Anti’s part. I’m just going to list out the important parts he says.

“im tired of playing pretend! sick of it!”

“and you thought you had him back”

“they all follow me”

“ive kept control all of this time!”

“i am eternal, always!”

“fooling around over, and OVER! in fucking circles!”

“mocking me with your ‘glitch bitch’ ” ha yeah shut up Anti you are a glitch bitch

“that doctor thought he could save him but he was MINE! he was weak!”

"who do you think youve been watching all of this time”

“powerless”

“my puppets”

“there are no strings on me”

So... what now.

What does Anti want? What is he going to do? Jack is dead... again. What happened to Dr.Schneeplesten? I have a few ideas as to what’s going to come in the future.

There’s a few new things he mentioned during his little hissy fit: “my puppets” and “there are no strings on me.” He’s talking as if he is a puppeteer, the one pulling strings in this entire predicament. He wants- desires for power, for control, and as we were watching,”powerless” and unable to do much at first, he was ever so slowly getting what he wanted. From this video, it appears that Dr.Schneeplesten is now under Anti’s control, making the strongest of the bunch submit to Anti’s will. It’s just like what ze doctah said: “If one goes down, then they all go down.” Anti is planning to take down every other alternative ego and to break their will so that he could enter easily within them. He was able to successfully infect Dr.Schneep by making him feel helpless. Anti slowly pushed Jack to death and Dr.Schneep couldn’t do anything about it, causing him to spiral into a heap of panic and mistakes. He was mentally broken, and that was when Anti entered. If he was able to do that to him, then think about what he could possibly do to the rest of them?

What I fear is that Anti will use all of the alternative egos against Jack. Jack’s creations will turn against him.They will torture him, just like how Anti did to ze doctah. They will do all the dirty work, and Anti will grab the opportunity to possess Jack and fully control him. In a way, it’s like a computer: if you take down all of the smaller systems in a huge one, then you can hit the center core of the process with ease.

Now... what can we do?

We fight back. We can think two steps ahead of what Anti is planning. We continue to strengthen our will for Jack to come back- especially when he broke his two video streak OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ANTI YOU BITCH- and to make sure that we #saveseptic/#septicsave rather than save Anti. If we break now in a heap of worry, which is honestly working Anti WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO JACK, then we are playing right into the his hands.

Let’s do this for Dr.Schneep! For Jack! We are more than one person. We are a community. We’re not going to let some petty glitch take over Jack!

On another lighter note, I hope that you enjoyed my analysis, interpretation, and theory! I would really love your feedback please dont roast me alive. I’ll be honest, I’m scared to post this over tumblr. It’s moreso that it might get negative feedback, but that’s the risk that I must accept. I never really popped my head and put my input in stuff, especially in Mark’s and Jack’s community, so yeah ^^’

Have a good day all. Stay awesome, you are all amazing.

#jacksepticeye #saveseptic #septicsave #jack #antisepticeye

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lenanotluthorfabray · 7 years

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This Is How To Love The Healing || black sheep & wicked one

Who: Lena Fabray & Issy Berry When: 6.21.17 ; evening/night What: Issy comes to comfort a panicked Lena. Warnings: panic attacks, self harm

Lena had returned from her appointments and quickly locked herself away in her room. For the most part, she had slept. However, the moment she woke up, things took a turn for the worse. The panic set in and, for a while, she'd been fine. She'd had it under control, but when it settled in that she needed to eat, that she'd ultimately have to either steel herself to whatever her parents were going to say and ask, or continue to hide away. While she wasn't expecting the response she got, she was glad Issy had offered to come over. She had moved from her bed to being curled up in the corner of her room, lights off, except for the lamp on her desk, and piano covers of songs from the Kingdom Hearts games playing. She had her blanket wrapped as tightly around her as she could get and was rocking in place. It seemed to be the only thing that helped, besides being buried under multiple blankets. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth and she thought she could taste the faintest amount of blood, but ignored it. She seriously hoped Issy would be there soon.

Isabella unlocked the Fabray door,grabbed her things and headed up to Lena's room after she closed it behind her and locked it. "Im here Le." She replied once she arrived to the other girl's room and noticed her best friend in her blanket. "Okay." She placed the food down onto her bed, slipped off her shoes and slowly approached her. "Is there anything I can do?"

Lena was mostly lost to the thoughts in her head that it wasn't until she actually caught sight of Issy that she even registered the other was there and talking to her. Blinking a few times she tried to find words, anything, but everything was just too much. The question spun through her head, was there anything? She didn't really know. She didn't know anything except that she really hated how she felt and that the one thing she really wanted to do was not an option. She hated the way being asked about it had made her feel. The way the therapist had looked at her, it didn't feel right. It felt like pity or something similar and it left a worst taste in her mouth than the blood now actively leaving her bottom lip. The thought of it had her losing control of her breathing, the panic settling back in heavier than even the blanket she had so tightly wrapped around herself could lessen. "Make it stop, Is. I hate this!"

Isabella picked up her pace when Lena yelled and made eye contact with her. "Take a deep breath, then let it out." She calmly said as she looked at friend and wanted to get the blanket off of her. She knew that she couldnt do that since it was probably acting like a security blanket for her, literally. "Continue doing that." She remembered her training. "And think of something calming like the cabin. Do you want me to hold you?"

Lena did as Issy instructed, trying her best to just focus on her breathing for a moment. The blood in her mouth wasn't helping, but she tried her best to ignore it, the fact she'd bit into her lip enough to get it to bleed. She continued to focus on her breathing and while it hitched at the suggestion Issy gave her, because really the cabin was not a calming time for her, she found something else to focus on. At first it was just the tree in the backyard, but then it evolved past that, straight into the way the morning air felt in the tree before sunrise. The way the world was still, even for a moment, before coming fully alive. She eventually nodded at Issy, remembering the question asked of her.

Isabella mentally slapped herself when she realized that she mentioned the cabin and scooted close to her before she carefully wrapped her arms around her. She started to rub her sides along with her back, as she stayed there contently and repeated the techniques she learned with her panic attacks. "You're going to be okay."

Lena barely reacted to the arms around her, still trying to get herself to calm down completely. The blood in her mouth was lessening as well and she took a moment to suck on her bottom lip, applying pressure in an attempt to stop it. Sighing, she slowly stopped rocking as things seemed to even out. The tension in her body slowly lessened and she leaned against Issy. Her eyes closed as she continued to focus on her breathing and the feeling of her friend's hands. Eventually, she opened her eyes, slumping fully against Issy, finally letting go of herself. "That was worse than any nightmare I have ever had." She muttered, voice tired.

Isabella leaned against the wall and pressed a kiss against her best friend's head as she continued to hold her. "Yeah..." she whispered as she glanced at her and pushed her hair away from her face. "But I'm here now and I'm not going to leave, promise."

Lena sighed as Issy spoke. "Thank you. After everything today... I didn't really want to go to Q." She moved so that her arms were free of the blanket and wrapped one around Issy, pulling her just that much closer to her. Part of her was starving but she really wasn't sure eating was a good idea, at least just yet. "Just, before we sleep, remind me to take my meds, okay?" The thought hit her and she had to vocalize it or she knew she'd forget. That was going to be something to get used to, taking medication.

Isabella nodded. "You're welcome and....I don't blame you." She replied as she felt one of her arms around her as she continued to rub her back as she pulled her that much closer. She nodded once more. "Yeah I'll make sure to remind you to take your medication and actually." She pulled out her phone, set an alarm to remind them and tossed her phone onto the bed.

Lena smiled as Issy spoke, watching as Issy set the alarm. It made her feel better and she made a mental note to do something similar after tonight, to make sure she took them. Mornings would be easier, she hoped, but the nighttime ones were bound to be difficult to remember. "She went with me and I kind of feel bad, cause like... I got really closed off after and I know she's just trying to help... Things are just hard, I guess. We should probably eat, or at least get the ice cream into the freezer if we don't eat it now."

Isabella listened to her as she rubbed her back in circles and rested her head against the wall gently. "I get that, maybe talk to her in the morning about it? We should, or it would be flavored soup." She glanced down at her with a soft smile. "Want to watch a movie? I brought some that I've been watching lately."

Lena nodded a bit. "Yeah, maybe. Kind of all talked out, though. We really should because Ben and Jerry deserve more respect than flavored soup." She laughed a little. "You still obsessed with Michael B Jordan? Not that I blame you, but still..." She chuckled before slowly standing, using the wall to keep her balance, the blanket falling from around her shoulders to reveal her bare arms. That had been part of her problem, now that she thought about it. She'd fallen into bed without a jacket, or even a normal t-shirt, on. She had been in a tank top and had been so exhausted when she came home that she'd shed her leather jacket and all but passed out.

Isabella "That's okay, we don't have to talk. That they do, they really do. So let's show them respect or wait until the morning." Issy replied with a nod and laughed as she stood up and grabbed the blanket. "He's the only man who can do me no wrong, besides. Its slowly fading out, there's so much movies I can watch without knowing the lines. Also, That Awkward Moment is a great movie." She noticed her bare arms, knowing that it was unusual for her to have bare arms but she didn't want to ask her and carried the blanket to her bed quickly before she rushed back to her best friend's side. "You doing okay? Or do you need me to keep you balance?"

Lena sighed, quietly listening and watching as Issy spoke and moved about the room. She mostly just leaned against the wall, trying to find the actual will to move. Everything hurt in a way she couldn't quite pinpoint and it wasn't nice. As her friend returned to her side, she shook her head a bit, trying to clear her thoughts. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just really tired and really sore and I don't know why on the latter." She mumbled before slowly moving over to her bed. Once she was seated, she moved to settle in against her pillows. Leaning over, she reached into her nightstand and pulled out two plastic spoons, offering one to Issy. "Is Michael B Jordan the only man? Do you have a shorter list than I do? How is that possible?" She teased, with a smile.

Isabella nodded as she gotten onto her bed and crawled with the ice cream in her hands. She thanked her as she grabbed a spoon, put it in her mouth and opened up their ice creams. "Here you go." She said once she removed the spoon from her mouth and shook her head with a smile as she let out a laugh. "He's definitely not the only man, and I don't. I dunno, I mean it's me we're talking about. It actually goes, Bruno Mars, Michael B Jordan, all of the Chris's, the guy who's playing Aquaman, the guy who plays James from Supergirl, Nick Carter, um. There's more. What about you? Who's on your list?"

Lena nodded her thanks as Issy handed her the ice cream. Ben and Jerry's was one of her favorite things and when eating ones feelings was a necessary companion. As her friend listed off the men on her list of men that could do her no wrong, she laughed a bit. "Jason Momoa is a wonderful man and I'm kind of excited they chose him for Aquaman. My list includes John Barrowman, Peter Capaldi, the Chris's, Jason Momoa, Lin Manuel Miranda, and I'm tempted to say RDJ. Cause like, he's basically Iron Man, but he can't run for President because he has a prior conviction so, he's like borderline in my book."

Isabella "Hey, RDJ is on my list. He proven himself the last decade that he put that shit behind him and he would be a better president than we got now." Isabella said through her mouthful of ice cream and relaxed against her bed. After a bit, she let the silence fall between them before she locked her lips. "I'm sorry I haven't been the best friend you need lately."

Lena nodded a bit. "He really has and he totally would be. Ryan Reynolds is also on my list, because Deadpool." She ate her ice cream for a bit, glad the silence between them wasn't terrible. As Issy spoke again, Lena raised an eyebrow. "It's fine, Is. We've been going through personal shit, and I probably should have been reaching out to you, too. It's a two way street, Is and I don't think either of us have been that great with it."

Isabella nodded as she agreed and took another bite of her ice cream. "Of course and Ryan Reynolds is actually Deadpool, except for the whole make up and costume." She swallowed her ice cream. She listened to Lena as she talked, knew what she mean and agreed once more. "We haven't, no. We're used to taking the world on by ourselves you know?"

Lena continued to eat her ice cream, a small, if not sad, smile on her face. She sighed, leaning back against her pillows a bit more. "Yeah, we really are. Which we should probably figure out how to fix." Issy was her best friend but they sometimes weren't good at showing it in the in between times. When things weren't shot to hell. Lena wanted to fix that, but she wasn't sure how. Friends, even now, were hard for her because interpersonal relationships were hard for her.

Isabella bit down on her bottom lip as she mixed her ice cream around. "How do we figure it out?" She replied softly before she glanced at her best friend. She knew that she needed to show that she's a better best friend to Lena, instead of when things go south. It was bad enough she created a distance between them by disappearing for a few days. She didn't want to lose her best friend, but were they best friends anymore? She shook her head to push the thought away.

Lena shrugged a bit, sighing. She didn't know. "I don't know, Is. We work at it, I guess. I mean, only thing I can think of is we actually put in the effort to do friend things. Which, is vague and unfortunately as clear as I get, cause I'm still in that 'what are friends' phase of life." Lena hated this. She didn't know what to do or how to do it and everything just had her feeling shitty. Pulling her knees up to her chest, Lena set what was left of her ice cream down on the nightstand.

Isabella placed the lid onto her ice cream as Lena spoke, wondering if they outgrew each other as friends."We'll see and its okay. Lets put on a comedy, yeah?" She replied softly as she grabbed a comedy and gotten up. She popped it into her DVD player, placed the disk into the drive and closed the player. She grabbed one of her pillows, cuddled into it and waited for the movie to start.

Lena just nodded as Issy spoke. She was tired and really wasn't in the mood for deep conversation, so she figured a comedy could do her some good. If anything, it'd distract her enough from the vague panic still lingering in the back of her head. Issy was her best friend, she knew that with everything in her. She just wasn't sure if she was a good enough friend for such things. It hurt to think about it, but maybe her best friend needed someone better, someone who wasn't so fucked up. Resting her arms on her knees, she rested her chin on her arm, waiting for the movie to start.

Isabella rolled onto her other side towards Lena and scooted slowly towards her before she glanced up at her then at the screen. "Do you want to cuddle or are you fine?" She asked softly, not liking the awkward silence between them.

Lena looked over at Issy as she watched her friend slowly move closer. When asked if she wanted to cuddle she laughed a little before slipping down until she could effectively pull Issy into her arms. "When don't I want to cuddle with you?" She teased, nuzzling her friend's cheek. Of all the people Lena knew, Issy was the only one she was always willing to be physically affectionate with. She wasn't even to that point with her sister, but Issy? There was no denying the part of herself that truly loved being physically close with someone in the most platonic sense of it all.

Isabella smiled as Lena pulled her into her arms and snuggle into her. "When I smell like boy?" She asked as she nuzzled her cheek and wrapped her arms around her. She had to admit, Lena had to be one of her favorite people to cuddle with because she makes things small and she doesn't worry about her problems.

Lena hummed for a bit in thought and then shook her head. "Not true, cause I've cuddled you smelling like Finn plenty of times. He doesn't actually smell that bad." It was true, she was pretty sure she knew whatever cologne or body spray or whatever Finn used by smell at this point. Couldn't tell what you what it was called, but if you sprayed it for her she would know. While Lena didn't always approve of the way Issy and Finn's relationship was, she kind of hoped they'd get back together, figure themselves out. He made Issy happy and yeah things were kind of toxic between them at the moment, but she couldn't help but hope they'd figure their shit out. Issy deserved all the happiness in the world.

Isabella shook her head as she agreed, knowing that his cologne ended up becoming one of her favorite smells and she didn't mind at all. "He really doesnt, I actually bought a thing of his cologne and a thing of his body wash because it smells so good." She replied softly, remembering there was a point where she would smell it whenever she could. She pushed the memories of her stealing his shirts away and let out a sigh. She really hoped that they can move past this, or something because she did miss him.

Lena smiled as she listened to her friend talk. Giving Issy a gentle squeeze, Lena settled back a bit further in the bed, ignoring the way the sight of her bare arms in her field of vision had her nervous. "Enough talk of idiot boys. There is a man who can't truly disappoint on tv."

Isabella nodded slightly as she agreed and focused her attention on the screen. She glanced at her friends arms, rubbed them gently the best she could and kept her eyes on the screen.

#kidsissy #panic attack tw #self harm tw #i: issy berry #p: issy berry #p: 004 #p: all

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bricrse · 7 years

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IT’S BREATH IS LIKE ICE DOWN YOUR NECK. IT’S TOUCH IS SEARING —– ( EVENT SIXTEEN / TASK TWENTY SIX. )

I was never a woman born easy to swallow, I exist only in extremities,

as a forest fire

or a hurricane

——————- NEVER a light summer rain.

BASICS ;

NAME: Briar Sinclair CODE NAME: empathal AGE: 18 GRADE: 12th/Senior ALIGNMENT: Neutral FACE CLAIM: Willa Holland

POWERS ;

—————– PATHOKINESIS ; DESCRIPTION

The user can sense and manipulate the emotions of those around them including feelings, moods, and their positive && negative affects on themselves, people and animals, whether by increasing && decreasing emotional aspects, causing or otherwise channeling emotion, or even manifesting the emotional energy to a physical level.

—————– PATHOKINESIS ; SKILLS ( LIMITED / STILL LEARNING. ) CURRENT:

DETECTION: the power to sense emotions of those around them INTENSELY in one’s vicinity, including many all at once: CURRENTLY: unavoidable, overwhelming, despised, and inflictive/adoptive on herself.

INFLICTION: inflicting one’s emotions on other’s around them, especially very intense and overwhelming ones ( eg. sorrow, rage, love. ) CURRENTLY: completely out of her control.

ABSORPTION && EMPOWERMENT: fully or partially absorb emotions temporarily or permanently, with/without removing it from the source. Targets of the absorption lose motivation and energy over sudden loss of intense emotions. && also the power to grow strength from emotions ( eg. extra strength && health. ) CURRENTLY: avoided, under control.

AUGMENTATION && MANIPULATION: increasing existing emotions of others, and affecting other’s control over their actions. ( eg. overwhelming their confidence, restraint. ) and/or manipulation && intensification of emotions && feelings ( eg. sorrow, wrath/rage, jealousy, greed, lust, as well as trust and comfort. ) leading to actions the target wouldn’t usually do, although can be easily resisted if paying attention to the snickering girl in the corner. CURRENTLY: in control, used frequently.

—————– PATHOKINESIS ; IN PROGRESS:

REMOVAL: the ability to REMOVE their own or another’s ability to feel emotion/s. CURRENTLY: no progress.

PAIN SUPPRESSION: the ability to suppress pain felt by oneself or others / to become highly resistant to physical pain by mentally eliminating the signals transmitted from brain > wound. Depending on the wound, target’s can continue to move, ignore pain, and generally function in situations where pain would disable a normal person. CURRENTLY: improving, in progress.

PAIN SUPPRESSION - EXTENDED, EMPATHIC HEALING: the ability to heal other’s emotional wounds and burdens via altering certain emotions to fit. CURRENTLY: in progress, but avoided due to emotional backlash.

—————– PATHOKINESIS ; LIMITATIONS

EASY LOSS OF CONTROL, ESPECIALLY WITH CONFLICTING EMOTIONS AND AN UNFOCUSED MIND. NEEDS PERSEVERANCE AND PATIENCE.

CONSTANT MENTAL CONTROL NEEDED TO KEEP ONE’S OWN EMOTIONS CONTROLLED AND ANY SIDE-EFFECTS AT BAY. RESTRICTIONS NEEDED.

HEALTH IS JEOPORDISED FREQUENTLY. HEADACHES, MIGRAINES, AND NOSEBLEEDS HAVE BEEN RECORDED.

CAN SENSE EMOTIONS FROM MULTIPLE PEOPLE AT ONE TIME, BUT ACTUAL SINGULAR POWERS ARE LIMITED TO ONE TARGET AT A TIME.

LIMITED RANGE, USUALLY RESTRICTED TO ROOMS.

EMOTIONAL BACKLASH IS OFTEN RESULTED, AS WELL AS VERY OVERWHELMING. ESPECIALLY WHEN TOYING WITH MULTIPLE EMOTIONS.

BIOGRAPHY ;

even as a child the way she looked at people was…UNUSUAL? the victim were opaque pages and briar was soaking in every word. her parents marked it as TOO INITIATIVE, but even they still looked at their daughter with morbid curiosity, at the one who was so perceptive to the people around her, so touchy. the slightest sight of a flicker – a spark of anything would send briar fueling the autumn embers of a flame that would grow out of CONTROL. she didn’t understand it, of course, it had only been innocent inquiry in the beginning. and in the beginning it hadn’t been that bad, but as she grew? UNPREDICTABILITY became a thing. It was always one side of the coin or the other, she was either too calm, or too OUT OF CONTROL, her emotions were rapid or frozen in place. the slightest reaction sends her into a spiral, and slightest intense emotion in her chest were always so tiring, overwhelming ; it takes a toll on the mind of the child. She’s taken to psychology’s, to doctor’s ( why so many MIGRAINES? ) and they do scans, they do everything, but the only thing that manages to happen is briar tugging with their emotions enough to lose their jobs ( easier to do than you think,) everything is ‘ fine ’ —- but she knows it’s not. she knows SHE’S not.

it doesn’t help when her father dies, after an argument with his wife. briar can practically see the wrath radiating through the air, but either way — her father leaves with a slam of the front door and he never returns. CAR ACCIDENT, briar’s left in shambles, and everyone around her is her path of wreck. FUNERALS? briar learns they’re not the type of place for someone like her. she absorbs everything, and it’s too much. the only PEACEFUL person is —- her mother? strange. it doesn’t take briar long to figure it out. the AFFAIR. and the blame is immediately pinned on the woman for driving her idol out the front door and into the path of a vehicle. briar feels so such…rage? ( FIRST SIGNS: UNSTABLE EMOTIONS, QUICK TO ANGER, QUICK TO ANYTHING. ) next thing she remembers is her mother being carried out the front door by paramedics, she doesn’t come home. It’s HER fault, and she knows it. there’s a certain persuasion to briar’s abilities, just the right push and it sends any person over the edge. of course —- what do the cops think? the widow commits suicide after her husbands death, they’re not going to believe her fifteen year old daughter messed around in her head accidentally.

the sinclair children are handed over to an aunt that UNDERSTANDS. apparently a grandfather? a great grandfather from her mother’s side shared her particular peculiarity ( same curse, if you ask her. ) he eventually drove himself mad, or his abilities did ; he didn’t live past thirty. she’s told she needs extensive control and learning ; rules and regulations to keep herself under control, to keep from inflicting on anyone else. but even that’s hard when everyone walks on eggshells around her home. her aunts rigid fingertips graze briar’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort, but briar feels no warmth, she feels FEAR ———- STOKELY’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS is shoved under her nose by an eager aunt wanting to be rid of a child too difficult to handle. the child welcomes it, welcomes the school, and even finds UNEASINESS in leaving after her final year. she finds this place more comforting than any home she’s had before ; considering she’s not the worst one here —— she’s getting better, but she still despises being in larger groups ; classes are always such a bother, and that’s where she finds most of her self-control tugging at the reigns. SHE’S NOT READY, and she wants nothing less than to be released back into a world where she doesn’t belong, where she could potentially go backwards rather than forwards and potentially endanger —— see? she does care, it doesn’t seem to show when she uses other students as target practice. but the untameable rebel girl is forced to have a harness wrapped around herself ; RESTRICTIONS, but even the strongest of people can lose control.

HEADCANONS EXTRAS ;

lol shannae why dont you just cUT OFF YOUR extra ass™ right here, nobody wants to hear you rAMBLE, but ok listen briar is sO !! different in this event to me and i find it cool, dont judge me, im INSPIRED. first off she is super?? introverted?? tries to stick to herself most of the time

not really that aggressive tbh she’s not gonna fight u unless someone messed with her frootloops that morning or she thinks she can control herself into not turning you into a hot chili pepper firecracker explosion ready to go oFF

it’s more like psychological and visual tbh like…i’m basing this off one of my favourite books but she can actually see certain aura’s?? && she’s learnt to differ their meanings

dont go having a fight with someone around her. she’s not Good ok, this is on the neGATIVE scale and she cannot help herself. she feeds off && fuels negative emotions without even reaLISING it, like?? you don’t see her picking daisies and singing walking on sunshine?? she’s the one with a scowl in the corner because she doesn’t want to deal with her own emotions let alone anyone elses

you can tell i just gave the most emotiONALLY CONSTIPATED PERSON ON THE PLANET this superpower just to screw with her. i’m not Nice

anyway find her in the library 90% of the time tbh she cannot handle large rooms with large amounts of people && overpowering emotions. it makes her ill, she doesn’t like using her absorption, so she’s unwell alot. I’m not Nice x2

so happy this isnt mutual to all of u because she is terrifIED of herself && doesn’t want anyone to know she isn’t a badass biTCH

doesn’t mean she won’t screw around tho, if you feel extra lovey dovey towards mr. fitzgerald, or want to go stab ur gf in the neck suddenly, you know who’s the cause

PLOTS ;

HUAN ZHANG ——- 2 gay !!!! watch them argue with each other and then make out, i mean. .make up.

#hst:task #event tag tbt.#suicide mention tw #death mention tw #this is the worsT but i really wanted to get this out before i leaVE #i went all out with this task ok if you want to save the next hOUR of your life do nOT click the read more #but 👀 come plot w/mE

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exojourner-blog · 6 years

Text

I was a month too late.

Im not sure if anyone read my first post or if anyone will read this one or any thereafter. This is simply therapeutic for me, but if it helps somebody else, God be praised.

I admitted in my last post that i have decided to give up sex for lent and hopefully for good. I found out yesterday that i was a month too late in making that decision. See, im 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I haven't even said the p word out loud.

It didn't even occur to me that it was a possibility. My period is always a bit late and i was having what i thought were "warning cramps" which i get every month. After a week of these cramps along with tender breasts i googled "cramps no period" and the first suggestion was pregnancy. I dismissed it until i checked my period tracker and saw that i was 8 days late. I decided to buy a test on my way to work the next morning. It was a 2pack. Im a teacher. I took the test before my first class and got an error message. I didn't get another break until lunch several hours later, and i took the second test fully expecting a negtive. When i saw yes+ appear on the screen i nearly fainted. I didn't have time to panic though because my lunch was over, i had another class to teach and a meeting to conduct after that. Before i began teaching my next class i ducked into my classroom closet and called some pregnancy resource centers as well as a place i never thought id call- planned parenthood. I made an appointment for a test at a pregnancy resource center after school. Then i pulled it together and taught my students.

After school i rushed over to the pregnancy resource center. I parked at the shopping center near by because i didn't want anybody i knew to drive by and recognize my car at the resource center. I ran in and quickly signed in. Once i was seated and waiting, everything i felt came flooding to the surface.

Principle among my feelings was shame. I am a single, professional, educated, Christian woman and a leader in my church. I am NOT supposed to be having sex much more turning up pregnant! And to make matters worse i was not entirely sure who the father was between two men. I had been seeing someone new and had a few romps with my "special friend" as well. Thirdly, im the youngest of my siblings, my parents pride and joy, the absolute apple of my dad's eye. My parents are ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS bragging on me. Every time i meet their coworkers or friends the first thing i hear is "your mom/dad is SO proud of you... he/she talks about you ALL the time". Admittedly, ive accomplished alot in my 27 (almost 28) years of life. My parents would be absolutely crushed, hurt and mortified by this... their youngest child, the only one who has never let them down.. pregnant and single. Another feeling was regret. I regret that i ever became sexually active, that i became "uncharacteristically premiscuous", and that i had been careless enough to get pregnant. The other prominent feeling was fear. I had no idea what to think, what to do, what to say or anything. I was completely at a loss. All i could do was cry as the kind lady led me to a room to begin the consult.

I took the test and prayed that it was negative. I had semi-pulled myself together and told the woman some of my story as she was filling me in on womans right to know and all that stuff. When the nurse came in to inform me that i was 5 weeks 4 days and showed it to me in writing, i lost it again. I was so devastated even the kind lady was crying with me. I was able to go back through my text communication with both possible fathers and determine which one it was. I remembered instantly the conception.

Another source of my shame is that i had already pretty much decided on abortion by medication. I grew up partially evangelical so naturally i considered myself "pro life" for the most part unless a woman was victim of incest or rape. But now, finding myself in a situation i NEVER thought i would face- scared, ashamed and pregnant by a man i know i cant rely on, has 4 kids and i don't want to be tied to for the rest of my life- i felt my only option was abortion. The kind lady mentioned adoption but i told her if i went through with the process of carrying it to term there would be no way possible for me to give it up. She talked, cried and prayed with me some more and scheduled me for an ultrasound in a few weeks.

Im im school again, so i had to pull it together again and get to my evening classes. After class i called on a dear and close sister im Christ whose situation is much like mine. She is a young single educated black woman who is also a leader in the church. I told her everything because i know i can trust her and she would not judge me. She empathized with me and said that she would feel the same and do the same thing. She encouraged me not to beat myself up, not to be ashamed of what led me here or what i planned to do. She lives out of state but made me promise to let her know when i would have the procedure so that if she could come she would, and if not she could at least call and check in on me.

I decided not to tell the father. I attempted to contact him via text a few times yesterday and got no response. I did contact another older sister in tbe faith who lives here because i felt she would understand. It had to be God leading me to call her because she was not only understanding and nonjudgmental, she had gone through the same thing in her past.

The most difficult part so far was going home to stay at my parents house last night and keeping this to myself the entire time. In the short time i was home i met some coworkers of my mom's today and i heard "she talks about you all the time. She's SO proud of you!" Then I overheard my dad bragging about me to a couple of people he had just met. This all happened at one event we attended together today. I left to go home this evening and i was SO tempted to tell my mom, but i knew it would do far more damage than it was worth. Maybe one day I'll tell her, but my current thought is that this is something I'll take to my grave.

As soon as PP opened today, i excused myself from the event i was attending to step outside and call to schedule my appointment. Since yesterday i have been researching natural and medicational abortion methods. I admit i even spent 30 bucks at the health food store yesterday buying papaya and pineapple juice, vitamins and herbs that allegedly could cause a natural abortion, but after 4 weeks along, the suggested regimen is virtually ineffective. So im going with physican supervised, medicational abortion.

Here are my reasons for ending this pregnancy (more for my own decision making process than for you to understand):

1. Im not ready for a baby yet

2. I do not want to share/raise a child with this man

3. I don't want to break my parents' hearts

4. I do not want to endure the public scandal that is 100% guaranteed by this pregnancy should anyone besides the 2 sisters I've told.

My reasons may seem selfish, but they're mine, and they are legitimate reasons. It simply would not be fair to force a child to come when it was not wanted. I would never hurt or neglect child especially my own. But when i have a baby, i want it to be because i want it, not because i was stupid.

I have been researching constantly, about the pill process, about the physical, mental and spiritual impact of having an abortion. I know that i may regret it. I know that i may live with guilt, but this is all a result of my bad choices and i alone will suffer and live with my decision.

One thing is for certain, if i was in any way shaky in my resolve to become abatinate again, i am now fortified in the decision. I need time to heal and recover and be restored by God. I have no need or desire for any type of male relationships now, casual or otherwise. I don't even want to think about or look at a penis for at least the next 5 years.

#christianity #abortion #pro choice #pro life #decisions #lent #my story

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