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artificialenvy · 3 years

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CALLOUT POST

@currynahh / @currynya is a shitty person.

I am making this post because I refuse to let them throw around accusations that I'm a predator.

Reasons I believe they are shitty:

I have ADHD, but I'll try not to derail any points.

After not seeing my spouse since Highschool, they invited them to a discord server. I was brought along and given a "+1" role, as in "This person isn't one of us, just @twiranux 's +1. I wouldn't have had a problem with that if it didn't create and "In group" and "out group" where the people in the ingroup treated the +1 role as "not a friend, just a +1."

They have a room for venting in that server, as a lot of people do. I have seen people typing in there on three occasions and decided not to interrupt them for my own needs, however the time I got to start typing in there and posted a couple of messages to indicate I would be typing, someone else came in and made it about them. I doubt they meant harm by that, but I went to @currynahh and explained it hurt to be silenced like that. I wasn't looking for an apology, I was looking for a solution so other people don't get hurt. My proposed suggestion was a second vent room for if there were 2 people needing it at once on that large a server, it would be helpful, or atleast a rule about interrupting vulnerable people. They dismissed this saying "two rooms wouldn't help because what if there were THREE people" which, if there were three people at the same time one would still have to wait, but the line would be split in half and people would be able to use it if it was an emergency and the first space was already taken without interrupting.

When they dismissed this idea, I said (and I dont have the exact quote as I left the channel, something @currynahh is very particular about is exact phrasing.) "If there's no rule against interrupting I guess next time I'm in need to type and someone is already using the safe space, I'll just be That Dickhead[TM] and interrupt? Can't wait." to which they threatened me with a ban, assuming I meant I was going to actively hurt people instead of just pointing out that there being no rule meant ANYONE could be That Dickhead[TM]

I also pointed out the inconsistency of threatening me with a ban for saying I'd do what the other user actually did and cut someone off. (they never spoke to the person who interrupted me about the event, to my knowledge, and I never spoke to them or saw their name) so I referred to them as "the fucker who interrupted me." Not in a mean way, just.. Here people can be called fuckers, like calling kids brats. I apologized once they said they found that rude, but they kept bringing it up saying I was name calling.

This is Hearsay, but apparently they said the person probably interrupted me because of ADHD, they seem a bit too comfortable deciding what is a factor of someone's else disabilities without consulting them.

Them dismissing my problems and threatening me with a ban instead of trying to fix their server made me actually go to name calling, and I still feel it's fair to call them a heartless cunt. Heartless for pretending to care when really they just wanted to defend someone in the in-group, Cunt cause it's a great word and it fits. I know the word Cunt is seen more harshly in some places, again, so much here. They really take offense to regional and class based dialects. They went to a private school and were calling me mean for just calling a dude I had no name for as "a fucker" when to me, someone who's poor and went to public school in a shitty town in Ontario, it's the norm here.

Since they showed they really didn't care I told them they were fake and left their channel, my spouse chose to follow me which I didnt know about at the time.

They DMed my spouse with another person who hasn't spoken to my spouse or I in 6 years to call me toxic, abusive and a predator. My spouse said they wouldn't have that conversation without me, as its childish and unproductive to just talk behind peoples backs. When @currynahh kicked me out of the group chat, refusing to talk like adults, my spouse asked me to log into their account to participate since they didn't want to be cornered by these two people to talk shit about someone they care about.

They call me toxic and abusive because I vaguely know the passwords to @twiranux 's accounts, despite never logging in unless asked to (for example a daily event in a videogame that they won't be able to make in time but wants the rewards.) and because on one occasion while I was napping, my spouse forgot an agreement we made about watching a specific movie together and I was upset about that, as I'm sure most people would be if their partner agreed to not watch something without them. I tried to keep my cool and just stay out of the way of their enjoyment, but my spouse wanted me to join in atleast for the end so I did, still grumpy but trying to make the best of it. If they had waited an hour or chose a different movie, things would've been different but @currynahh doesn't want "excuses."

They call me a predator because the person I'm married to is 2 years younger than me. @twiranux and I have been together almost 9 years now, we started Long Distance Online Dating just playing minecraft, listening to owl city (our song's Honey and The Bee 🐝,) and making Garry's Mod youtube videos. We would've been about 13 and 15 at the time, though it is worth noting that our birthdays were less than a month away from when we started dating so 14 and 16 if you want to make that distinction, I was in class with people the same age as my spouse. They think the age is gross, but we were two neurodivergent kids who were extremely sheltered at the time (helicopter parents/physical disabilities) who could only have freedom online. We had met through liking the same movies and youtubers and knew eachother a year before, while I was asking for advice on asking someone else out, my now spouse confessed attraction to me and I suggested we try "dating" for a bit, which consisted of nothing new except drawing cute pictures and giving eachother nicknames. I dont know if I knew their age at the time, but I did think they were a boy which didn't change anything, just hopefully shows I wasn't some 30 year old neckbeard hunting for kids on the net, I was just a disabled kid who was caught off guard by a confession of attraction and rolled with it.

@currynahh says they have proof that we weren't innocent in highschool, as (they claim) we asked them to write nsfw fanfic about us, which.. we didn't? My spouse has no idea where thats coming from and neither do I so just a blatant lie. Not that it's anyone's business but my spouse and I didnt meet in person for about 4 years and anything physical took place after we were both legal adults, im not comfortable going into more detail.

After my spouse had me log onto their account to show they weren't going to be cornered by those two, I was allowed back into the group chat to try and figure out why they think im problematic, but @currynahh insists im just making excuses when I've just been saying exactly what im saying here. They say I'm sugarcoating it, I disagree. I dont have the exact words I said about everything, but admitting to calling her a Heartless Cunt isn't something I'd do if i were sugarcoating it as she suggests. This is how it played out they keep trying to shove me into this "abuser" box they framed me in without knowing me.

They would repeatedly spew paragraphs of "points" then block me and leave the group chat while I was typing up a response. They don't want excuses (read: explanations) and they don't care about facts (that they misunderstood certain things and was willing to clear up what I meant if they weren't so caught up on semantics.)

I will not go into my partners mental illnesses on this platform, but they have a psychiatrist who I've met and I have to (sometimes in a way that looks controlling to someone who doesn't know the problems) keep my spouse grounded. The Psychiatrist thought I was doing a great job at managing it, but @currynahh disagrees, saying I'm enabling (without even letting us tell them what the problem is or how im helping.)

Which brings us to the next point; they say I can't talk about the mental health of myself or my spouse because it will trigger them, meaning they block any attempt we make at explaining how it works. They treat us as a neurotypical couple and call it abusive when I'm literally just doing what's deemed best by a psychiatrist for my spouse.

For DARING to tell her to stop calling me a predator, she calls me a narcissist, which is just.. Very cool. Love me some armchair diagnosis. They also diagnosed me with anger issues (from one call in which I was grumpy and then me trying to defend myself from these accusations.) So really, I think docs are being paid too much 'cause @currynahh is doing their job for free.

Because they weren't listening to my spouse, my spouse decided to stop typing, especially since she was just going on long rants then leaving the server before we could reply. Whenever @twiranux gets a chance to speak, @currynahh would leave the server claiming it triggers their anxiety to face the consequences of what they said. Then they would tell me to quit speaking over @twiranux when I was just speaking on our behalf, while in a call with @twiranux due to these reasons.

Instead of keeping their nose out of our relationship like we were asking, they kept trying to tell my spouse (who chose to marry me and lives in another country) that im abusive because they think trusting eachother is a sign of abuse.

Instead of listening that we're fine, they throw a tantrum and tell us to go to marriage counseling (which, although I wouldn't be opposed to going, is very telling that they think people can just do things that require money on a whim.)

They say that "instead of saving up to move in together and have kids you should put money towards marriage counseling" which again, what savings do they think I have? My bank account has -$4.00 in it and my spouse can't work right now. We have nothing.

They keep bringing up kids and how would we raise them? Would they not have privacy? Its a stupid point they threw out there as currently there aren't plans to have kids and there's huuuge difference between a married couple knowing eachothers passwords and not letting your kids have privacy.

They keep bringing up the fact that we've lost friends before without knowing why. So if they want to private message me I'd be happy to tell her about how we left our last friend group after a dispute where the other people were claiming the N word was inoffensive. Or the group that actually was trying to get into my spouses pants and we weren't comfortable there. You keep making accusations then refusing to listen to facts.

Idk if I'm missing anything, if they unblock me and see this they will probably say I'm staw-manning again without actually telling me how and while having no counter arguments. They also don't accept my adhd for accidentally derailing, while using theirs to deflect any criticism.

Karina, you don't know us and you say even talking about our mental health will trigger you, so you need to accept that you're unwilling or unable to understand the dynamics of our relationship but just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's toxic. I wouldn't have made this post if you didn't keep calling me a predator, but I need to clear that accusation publicly before you keep throwing around dangerous labels.

Grow up. Get some help. Learn that your POV isn't the only one.

#they seemed to have changed their blog to currynya now #If you stop calling me a predator and stopped treating me like an abuser without listening and instead had a proper adult conversation on #discord id be willing to take down this post #but as it sits i have no choice since you keep attacking my character #currynya #currynahh

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ais-n · 4 years

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2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify?

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions.

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available.

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc.

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself.

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin.

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally.

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical.

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #Anonymous

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shytiff · 3 years

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June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins.

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients.

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning.

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers.

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

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hellyeahomeland · 6 years

Note

Do you think the hacker (and the files he had access to and may have backed up somewhere) or the use of ransomware will loop back as a substantial plot point later this season or was it a total one-off to highlight Carrie's current state of mind?

Anonymous #2: It seems many fans didnt like the 4chan storyline, because Carrie should know better and the whole thing became contrieved, very unrealistic and ridiciolus. But many liked the ending because Carrie was so extremely badass. What do you think the writers meant to say with this story, about Carrie or the world or….what, really. You are the no 1 expert on Carries persona, and seem to always find some sense in her story, which is a good thing.

Anonymous #3: I didnt really understand the point of the hacker scene. It didnt add to the plot other to show how off the rails Carrie is, but man was it awesome to see Carrie/Claire fuck shit up! I felt so much of S1 Carrie, whether thats a good thing or not idk. Claire even looked more like Carrie from S1 imo

I definitely don’t think we’ll see the hacker later on. I think the writers accounted for that in the final scene where Carrie was like “I will kill you if you ever contact me again, dude.” Maybe that would scare him off, maybe it wouldn’t. She certainly seemed convincing.

But onto your questions: why did they do that? Was it all just a cheap way to make Claire Danes play with her breasts on camera? Or did they want to infuse some Jack Bauer/Peter Quinn badassery into her character after two seasons of Carrie trying really hard to convince herself she wasn’t that woman anymore (at the end she says “I’m CIA, motherfucker” even though, she’s, y’know, currently NOT).

From a character point of view, I think the purpose of the story was almost entirely to reveal her current mental state. I say almost entirely because I also think there was a drive from the writers (this episode is written by Patrick Harbinson and Chip Johannessen, who were writing partners on 24 before moving to Homeland) to just show a completely entertaining action adventure genre plot.

The episode opens for Carrie as she’s seeing a psychiatrist–Maggie ordered, natch–for the first time in who knows how long and in that session Carrie reveals her grandiose vision of being “called on to protect” America. She says she’s actually making progress. The psychiatrist is more than skeptical and then Carrie invokes Quinn. Not only would Quinn understand and not be asking questions about how one woman could possibly uncover or expose a government-led conspiracy. No, Quinn would be right there alongside her, helping her! She’s seen it with her own eyes. He did the same thing last year (only without her support most of the way).

Through this conversation the show establishes two things:

The lithium Carrie has taken for 15 years may have stopped working and she may actually be on the cusp or in the midst of a manic episode.

We normal folk just don’t understand. There are normal people and then there are people like Carrie Mathison and Peter Quinn. Loyal, to a fault, and driven not by their desire but their innate need to protect their country, no matter the cost to themselves (both) or others (Carrie).

Jump forward a few scenes and now we learn that the 200 people Carrie’s been fighting for two months to be released have been, without any help from her. So now she’s desperate because all that progress she talked to the therapist about was possibly fictional and existed only in her head. Then her daughter asks why she’s mad all the time. I didn’t know it then, but the writers were laying the groundwork for what was to come.

And then, as in most stories, Carrie is faced with a problem she must solve. Her hard drive has been stolen and she must get it back. I think the point of the hacker debacle was to show how a woman like Carrie, in her current mental state, decided to solve that problem.

First, it was through sex. She turned on the charm and gave him a taste. We haven’t seen Carrie do that since season four but we also know it’s possibly her go-to method of solving problems. When the FISA warrant to surveil Brody expired in season one, she manufactured reasons to see him, eventually leading to a sexual relationship. When Brody went AWOL in season two, she brought him to a motel to get him back in line. When she needed to know what had happened to Haqqani in season four, she slept with his nephew.

Carrie knows the value of her body and she knows what works. She has been encouraged to do this likely her entire career. She knows that men may underestimate her but also may be unable to resist when she offers up sex. At her core, Carrie views sex as transactional.(There is a lot unpack in this regardwith respect to Carrie and Quinn’s relationship and why they never had sex, butit’s too off-topic for this post.)

Later, in that creepy ass warehouse, she uses sex again, feigning difficulty taking her top off so that he’d come close enough. He was a boobs guy, clearly, and as she backs up into him she places his hands on her body. If, to borrow a phrase from Carrie, the circumstances had been “wildly different,” the scene might have been kind of hot. Instead, it was mechanical, false, and (obviously) gross and creepy. She opens her mouth as if to moan because she knows that’s what men want.

But she wasn’t his pawn to play with. The show inverts the notion of control in a really interesting way via Carrie’s sexuality. Carrie is stuck, and she makes him believe she’s desperate enough to do anything (which she is), desperate enough to have sex with this sad white dude who brings women to creepy ass warehouses to have sex with them. He was clearly surprised when she first offered. In a moment, he has all the power. A split second later, after she lures him into her trap, she does.

What follows after, which I can only describe as one of the most epically satisfying ASS WHOOPINGS in history, is the invocation of Quinn. It reminded me of the end of “13 Hours in Islamabad” when Quinn begins to torture Ghazi. That kind of ruthless ass whooping requires a complete control of the situation but a relinquishing of the parts of yourself, the parts that society instills in us, that demand calm, coolheadedness, restraint, and reason–especially for women. Carrie and Quinn’s CIA training would have taught and reinforced the former. It’s their difference from the rest of us normal people that allow them to achieve the latter.

Not every time you hear someone say on a TV show or in a film, “I will fucking kill you” do you actually believe them. I believed Carrie. And I believed Quinn. Is this the impulse she’s lost control of? She loses herself, split seconds away from crushing his windpipe. And she would have, if not for a last-second save from… what? Her conscience? Or maybe Quinn himself, her “beacon,” steering her “clear of the rocks”?

#Anonymous #ask #hyh ask #by: sara #homeland meta #carrie mathison

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worthlesswordss · 7 years

Text

Getting Better Help

May 3, 2017

I’ve been struggling with my mental health (more than the norm) for the past few months and it surprised me how good I was at lying and hiding it from everybody (even though I’m trying to not do that so that people will know what the hell is going on with me - bad habit, I guess). There was this day when I was about to talk to my mom about how I was feeling and to be honest to her about the other stuff that I was intentionally hiding. I kept giving her hints but she’s not picking them up. So I finally bulked up the courage to tell her and I didn’t. I was about to tell her when she sidetracked me about being a responsible adult. I felt frustrated and just gave up on my motives of telling her, thinking she won’t believe me anyway because she’s stuck on her traditional ways.

Anyway, it’s not a secret that my parents are hard to talk to. I basically rant and cry about it almost every single damn day of my life. And I’m pretty sure I wrote a lot about that here in my worthless little blog. The harder part is actually talking to someone about it. When I was regularly going to therapy, everything felt lighter in a way and I think its because I had someone to talk to about it without biases or without taking it personally. Someone who just listened and gave her best objective advice or support or help because it’s her job to help me get better. But since I stopped going to that - and my parents approve of me not needing it anymore (they’re seriously damaging my mental health and emotional well-being) - it’s been hell for me these past months.

Yes. Months. The last time I went to therapy was last December 2016 before we left for our trip to San Francisco / Los Angeles. I actually thought I was getting better and now I understand how people rely and become dependent on the pills their psychiatrist gives. I haven’t slept a good night’s sleep in 4 months. My under eyes (eyebags) are sagging more and more everyday and I just feel more and more tired and sad and helpless when I go to work. It’s depressing! What has become of me?!

I’ve tried to contact my therapist so many times already and I can’t seem to get a hold of her... or her busy schedule. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist either. The last time I saw her, she said I had depression but she doesn’t know the severity. She said it’s getting worse - that’s what she’s sure of. And she also said I had mild social anxiety. And I might have depersonalization or something much worse than that. That’s the reason why she got me have my brain scanned and blood drawn - which she hasn’t seen the results of and neither have I.

It’s all so screwed up! I was getting help and getting better then I stopped and my parents support it. I DON’T! I AM STRUGGLING. WHY CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT. And don’t get me started with the whole 13 Reasons Why Craze. *vomit* WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TELL MY PARENTS?! OH YEAH BECAUSE THEY WON’T BELIEVE NOR ACCEPT IT ANYWAY. THEY’LL THINK IM BEING OVER DRAMATIC OR “TOO SENSITIVE” OR BEING NEGATIVE. WELL PISS ON THAT MOM AND DAD!! YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!?! I DONT!!! THATS WHY I BEGGED YOU TO GET ME HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE!! BUT YOU PISSED ON THAT IDEA! AND I WAS ACTUALLY GETTING BETTER. BUT YOU PISSED ON IT! YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY! YOU DENIED! AND DENIED! AND DENIED! WELL LOOK AT ME NOW. IM A FREAKING WRECK. I AM SWALLOWING ALL THE PAIN I BURIED A LONG TIME AGO AND SPITTING IT OUT AGAIN AND EATING IT. OH? THATS DISGUSTING? WELL ITS DISGUSTING THAT YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT DONT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO GET ME THE HELP I NEED! DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME AT ALL?! I DONT WANNA DIE, OKAY??! BUT THATS ALL THAT I THINK ABOUT!!! THATS ALL I WISH FOR MYSELF!!! THATS ALL THAT I THINK I NEED BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME RELEASE THE ALL THE PAIN AND SORROW AND DEATH THAT I FEEL INSIDE!!!

I don’t mean to yell or rant. I’m just tired and I’m trying to release all these things in my last resort - this blog. I know no one reads this except for me and a couple of strangers from the internet who just loves to read or maybe looking for comfort for their own problems or the haters who just want to bring people down until they actually commit suicide and say “I didn’t do anything. He/she killed themselves.” or “He/she shouldn’t have read the comments then.” or whatever stupid excuse they have. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you murderous bully. Deny it all you want but you’ve killed people. You kill people everyday.

Where am I going with this? What was the point of this post? Well, yesterday, I saw this ad on Facebook and clicked the link and researched about it. I read the whole entire site and reviews about it in other sites. It’s called BetterHelp. And if you’re anything like me or in just dire need of someone to talk to; you’ve probs seen this somewhere. It’s an online counseling service where you chat or video call some professional counselor/therapist and help you with your problems. It’s like 7 Cups of Tea or Blah Therapy, both I’ve tried before and disappointed me - one of the two made me suicidal so I don’t recommend.

So in BetterHelp, you have to register first - which I didn’t mind because it was free and it has this quick evaluation test or whatever to match you with a counselor (which I thought was really cool). After doing that, I had to wait 24 hours or less to get verified or matched with a counselor. So when I opened my email today, I was excited to finally talk to someone about all this baggage I’m carrying around.

But I got this message instead:

WAT.

ARE THEY SERIOUS?!

I’m so angry and frustrated and I wanna cry but also want to smash my head on a glass window and cut myself with the shards stuck to my head all over my body so that they will see how much I need their services.

THEY DENIED ME THE HELP THAT I NEED?! HOW DO THEY KNOW IF THEIR SERVICES WILL HELP ME OR NOT?! I HAVENT TRIED THEIR SERVICES!!! WHAT IF IT WORKS??? WHAT IF IT HELPS ME???

HOW DO YOU KNOW?????

WHY WOULD YOU DENY???

WHY WOULD YOU REFUSE???

I THOUGHT YOU MADE THE SITE SO IT WOULD HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME???!?! NOT DENY THEM OF THE HELP THEY NEED!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????

What now, you may ask. Well... there you go. 👇🏻

#amccdrama #depression #rant #betterhelp

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classycollectorartisanposts-blog · 6 years

Text

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

"How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

last week i hit a deer with my car, not on purpose on accident the deer rain right out in front of my car and it messed up my car pretty badly, i cant open my right passenger front door, and i have an adjuster coming out to look at my ca will they cut me a check right today that is what someone had told me i was wondering if that is true or not.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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I have to pay 2,700 to get my car insurance back is their any car insurance companies that can let me have car insurance now? And I still can pay off the 2.700?""

How can someone get health care if insurance denies them?

My mom was seeing a psychiatrist and on lots of meds a few years ago. She since lost her job and kaiser and all the insurance companies won't cover her. She's been sick for two weeks and had to go to the emergency room yesterday. She can't afford to get care without insurance and I'm really worried about her, she's throwing up and passing out with a fever and all the emergency room gave her were antibiotics and said it might be a kidney infection. I told her to go to Mexico to find an affordable doctor but she can't even get out of bed. Any suggestions? I'm thinking of taking next semester off and giving her my student loan as a last resort.""

Can I get auto insurance through another company if I owe on another insurance company money?

I lapsed on my old insurance policy and do not have the money to pay it off. My registration expires tomorrow and I need insurance in my state to register my vehicle. Will another company insure my vehicle if I still owe money to another insurance company?

Rear ended someone.. how much to get fixed without insurance?

i just got my car like 6 months ago and i was with my friend and he had to stop suddenly cuz of something runnin out in the road and i wasnt paying attention and i rear ended him.. neither of us wanted to get the cops involved cuz he had someone in his car and just got his license which is illegal and i didnt want me insurance 2 go up http://i44.tinypic[dot]com/5obq8[dot]jpg can't link so just replace the [dot] with a period . thats a pic of the damage i dont think its too bad probably just need a new hood bumper fenders and lights right? also if i did end up going through insurance how much would it go up about im 17 yrs old? my mom is paying for it right now but she said if i ever get a ticket or anything that i cant get out of then i gotta pay the difference so idk if itll be cheaper this way or something

Insurance rates go up?

I sideswiped a car and busted their taillight, if I report it to my insurance instead of paying it myself about how much would my monthly rate go up? I'm an 18 year old guy.""

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

Individual medical insurance plans?

I am getting ready to go into a contracting position and there is no medical insurance provided meaning I will have to supply the insurance for my family. Does anyone do this, and is the insurance deductible on the taxes? I am living in Indiana and the plan would cover 4 members including myself.""

Insurance Savings Plan?

What types of these are available at insurance companies?

Step parents health insurance?

I was wondering is it possible for my soon to be wife, to put my kids on her health insurance plan from work? The children live with us. We are in california.""

Is there any website where I can look up insurance rates for every car??

just want to see which cars are expensive to insure and which cars are cheaper. I just want a list like highest to lowest. I don't need specific rates.

Can I sue someone with auto insurance?

I live in Las Vegas and I was involved in a car accident in November. There were 6 cars involved and this process is being UNUSUALLY long. It is impossible to get in contact with one of the claimants so we can not settle for our car damages. Can I sue the individuals that were held respoinsible for the auto accident?

Forced placed auto insurance?

I'd been trying to have forced place insurance removed for quite a few months now, and after reading some stories here, see I'm not alone. I've always had full coverage insurance but since I switched carriers it was one thing after another ... Add them as lien holder -done, didn't receive notice from insurance company, didn't receive fax with notification, etc. .... Now, some months later, I'm in an accident and car may be totaled (not good news since the loan balance exceeds the cars worth). Am I correct in understanding that the lien holders forced insurance policy will relieve me of any difference in the balance, similar to if I had gap insurance?""

""Receiving life insurance prodeeds, and my chapter 7 bankruptcy?

Can the trustee take my money that I will be receiveing from my moms life insurance policy?

What is the best way save on Auto Insurance?

I am trying to find a way to save on auto insurance, me and my brother both have vehicles- only difference is im required to carry an SR-22 and have citations-No DUI, moving violations-nothing in the past 1-1/2 years, and he has an excellent driving record. I feel bad because I know our insurance is higher because of me, most places tell me its cheaper to have a policy together- Any recommendations? Another thing I notice is that if im the primary-Insurance is definitely higher, however when my brother is primary its a little lower, some agents tell me I have to be primary?""

I need some help!!? Car Insurance prediciton:?

I am 16, and i have had my G2 for 2-3weeks....and got my G1 10months ago in ONTARIO. I am not the primary driver on a car(my parents have 2 cars....they are the primary drivers) Tonight i slid off the road and hit a tree( roads were slippery and wet as it was snowing) and maybe 3-4 thousand dollars damage was done to the front of the car!! How much will my insurance go up per month??( it was a 2007 hyundai elantra with snow tires)""

Car insurance in new york?

hey guys, I'd like to know what would be the ballpark for insurance. I'm 24 years old and have had my driver's license since 2003 and never have had parking violations, points taken off my license or any type of moving tickets. I'm looking to buy a 96-00 civic and would like to know around how much I would be quoted""

Paying car insurance 2 days late?

What happens if you pay your car insurance 2 days late? I have it automatically debited out of my account on the 15th of every month, and I get paid every 2 weeks. This month I get paid on the 17th...two days short of my due date. So what do I do? I have paid my insurance late before (3 days) and they didnt even mention it to me, they just took it out when I had the funds available. and I have Liberty Mutual car insurance by the way...""

Purchasing insurance to cover maternity leave in California?

Is there any sort of insurance you can buy in California so you can get approximately your regular wages during your unpaid maternity leave? I've heard that state disability doesn't pay too much. And how long can you take off? Some women say they've gotten 3 months off but I don't know what I need to do to get that, and still have approximately my regular income coming in. I'm not pregnant yet, so I could buy something without having a pre-existing condition. Thanks!""

Car insurance calculator?

is there anyplace online to give you an estimated insurance payment based on age, and model and year of vehicle? im trying to find out what car is affordable for me insurance wise and dont want to bug my family insurance company with quotes on several different cars lol""

Can a lender file a claim against your insurance company after repossession?

My car was repossessed on 9/11. I attempted to get my car back..but Wells Fargo played games..such as saying the car is on its way to the auction...no, its still there and we can't place a hold on it..it leaves for the auction in a couple of days. So, I went and got me another car. Now, today..I find out that they are filing a claim for the very day that they took the car. The claim was filed at 1:06 today. However, the car was not insured on that very date. Also, I had to sign some papers to reinstate the policy to the effect that no claims would be filed because NO accident occurred. Will the lender be able to file against my insurance policy under these circumstances?""

""Queation about auto insurance in Boston, MA?""

Hey, I am 17 years old (18 in a month), male and I am looking at a used audi s5 (4200 cc 350 bhp) to buy. it is a 2009 model with 30000 miles. How much do you think i will be asked to pay for insurance each year if i purchase this car? I never had an accident btw and i dont plan to do many miles.""

What health insurance can I apply for?

I'm in California, in my 30s, and just recently been laid off. Though my plans are to become a full time student this summer. What health insurance plans can I start applying for besides COBRA?""

How much would i pay for car insurance?

How much would i pay for car Insurance for cheap car that cost me honda accord 2000,I am 28 Years old, never been in any accident,I got my license 8 years ago""

Car insurance help needed ASAP thanks.?

Ok. My father has his own jeep insured in his own name.He has owned the jeep since 2005 and he still has it this day.He has a 9 year no claims bonus on it.He is insured with FBD insurance.His insurance is commercial. Now I have my own car which was only bought recently but I put my car in my fathers name.Now the reason been is because im trying to get my insurance cheaper.Now I dont want any comments saying that its insurance fraud because every one is broke now and trying to get things cheaper just like myself here.Now what I was thinking if I were to go with a differant car insurance company than his and if he were to go as main driver and me as named could he say that he uses the jeep for commercial use and the car for private use? If that works can he put his 9 year no claims bonus on my car which is in his name so ill just say he owns it for now one.So can he put his 9 year no claims bonus on my car aswel as his own jeep aswel.Because if that worked I would get mine really cheap?So if that would work,I know that if i were in an accident his no claims bonus would be gone but my father trusts me to be a carefull driver. I only want proper answers to my question and thanks very much for the help and it will be much appreciated for it.I live in Ireland aswel ok....Thanks very much.""

Car insurance for a new driver?

So for my first car I am trying to convince my parents to let me get a used '03 infiniti g35 the price isn't a problem. What would the insurance be for an infiniti? Also what would insurance be for a car like a subaru or something like that just so I can compare...BTW new driver

Why is my car insurance so high?

I have full coverage insurance on my 2005 Honda civic and I am paying a little over $850 every six months. Every quote I get isn't much better. Why is it so expensive? My insurance lady says that it's because I am a young driver with a newer car. But my YOUNGER sister has a car 2 years newer than mine and she pays about $350 less every six months. I have no tickets on my record. I did have my license suspended about 5 years ago. Why is it so expensive and how can I get it down? I can't afford this sh* t. Thank you!

Insurance........................

I want to get self insurance. wich insurance is cheap and good?

What option should I choose for my car insurance?

I did a little test to check quotes when it came to auto insurance through Progressive. I found that I would pay less a month for choosing the option that I have had insurance for the past five years, but when I choose I haven't had insurance it charges me more per month. I technically have not had insurance before. My last vehicle was on my brothers insurance policy and I was listed as an Additional driver. So should I choose that I haven't been insured? I obviously wouldn't drive without insurance, even though I do live in a state that does not require it - but I don't want to give the notion that I have been either. There's not an option for new drivers who just didn't have insurance because they never had a vehicle before. So I am totally confused as to what option I should choose. Thanks!""

What level of car insurance should I get?

The difference in my car insurance quote from the bare minimum ($356.50) to second or third in each category ($1,422.90) is over a thousand dollars. This is for a 6-month quote. I'm a very safe driver and have never been in an accident that is my fault. Someone rear-ended me once but there was only damage to his car.""

Good looking motorcycle with good insurance price?

iam 16 iam looking to buy a motorcycle but they insurance for my age is up the roof what are some good looking motorcycles with good insurance for my age and what else should i know before getting one ???

Insurance for the baby?

Before you judge, I have a license, car, job, and apartment and am stable with income. I'm 17, and will be 18 by the time the baby is born, and I am covered under my fathers insurance which was established 17 years ago through my fathers work. Its Cigna PPO. Since then my father has been layed off because the plant closed down. He still has the insurance from his work and does not pay the huge bill because it was covered by his work. Now I'm Pregnant and, I'm trying to understand how insurance works. The baby cannot be added to this insurance because It has already been established. I know this for sure because my brother, 22 and unmarried, had a child in November and his child could not be added to our insurance plan. So will you please help me find insurances, Private insurances not state? Also can the baby be by itself or must it be with it's father or mother, me, on a plan?""

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

Riding a friends motorcycle without insurance?

My friend says he has insurance on his bike(ninja 250) that covers him, any other riders and any damages to the bike. He wants me to ride his bike but i have no insurance only my motorcycle permit, my question is, is he just miss understanding his insurance or is he correct about it? Thank you for any help! Also i plan on getting insurance in the next month.""

Where is the cheapest van insurance available?

I'm 21 and looking for cheap van insurance....Any recommendations?

Is insurance required to buy a car?

I live in the state of Washington. I just turned 18 and obtained my driver's license. However, I have been driving for two years now without insurance and license :/ fortunately without any encounters with the law. Anyway, I want to buy my own car now, my first car, so I'm looking for something local on craigslist. My question is, is it required for one to have insurance in the state of Washington in order to buy a car? I've obviously never done this before so if you could explain how this works I would appreciate it. 1.) What exactly do I need to pay for besides the car? (license plates, registration?) and 2.) Do I need to have insurance? (or can I just pay the person for the car, get the paperwork, and it's done, because I can't afford insurance at the moment. Again I've never done this before). Thank you""

Does car insurance go up if you get your drivers permit?

will my parents car insurance go up if i only get my permit?

What is the average cost of car insurance for an 18 year old?

I live on my own, I'm a full time college student, I have a part time job, I am female,and I make good grades. I want the cheapest insurance legally possible.""

How much more do landlords pay in insurance for DSS tenants?

I've seen it mentioned often that if a landlord accepts a tenant in receipt of housing benefit they're likely to pay more in insurance, which is why some won't accept them. I was just wondering if anyone could give me an idea of what the difference is?""

Life insurance question?

I am looking for term life insurance, meaning the rate would would locked for 30 years regardless of my husband and I getting older. I just have couple questions, i am hoping someone would shed some light: what does this mean??: The Select-a-Term provides a level death benefit term to age 95 also what does this mean? Current premiums are guaranteed level for the first 15 policy years. if i am selecting 30 years, why are they only guaranteed for 15 years? also, what else should I be looking for? thank you!""

How much do insurance prices drop after 1 year for young drivers?

I'm a 17 year old male and paying 125 a month on insurance, as you can imagine its a big hit to my bank account. Im on my mothers policy but will my prices drop in the next year and if so by how much?""

What CAR Should A First Driver GET ? Also What Company For The Insurance To Be The Cheapest ?

Passed My Driving Test 2 Days Ago ! I am 22 ! what car should i get that is cheap on insurance too ? Please give me the names and for the insurance companies :)) Thanku

What solutions would make health care treatment instead of health care insurance more affordable?

considering out of pocket expenses? and would this be a conservative approach to the health care issue?

""How much does homeowners insurance cost for a 250,000 house?""

How much does homeowners insurance cost for a 250,000 house?""

What's Toronto cheap auto insurance/Broker?

This city is pure Bull sh*t! I can't find a affordable insurance. If anyone have a good car insurance, please leave their name of contact #? Thanks""

Car insurance do i have to tell them ??

am trying to fill in a form for a quote, i was involed in a crash which wasnt my fault, the other person admitted responsability, do i have to declare this as a claim ?? or do i not mention this, am trying to get a quote for this years car insurance Thanks""

Need help choosing car insurance HELP!!! =)?

Im 20 yrs old. i've had my drivers liscence for 2 yrs, and i have a clean driving record..I need affordable car insurance for my 01 mitsubishi, eclipse, in california... any suggestions???""

Car insurance Questions?

I have comprehensive coverage (collision, fire, theft. etc)on my car it is a 2001 bmw 325 in very good condition, very little scratches inside and out. Mechanically sound. also well maintained and optioned if somebody was to rear-end my car (i live near the sr 91 in california, accidents everyday) what is going to happen? is the the one at fault's insurance company going to pay for the value of the car? since i pay comprehensive coverage? and is the value of the car based on pre-crash value or post cash value? what if i was to hit somebody's rear end? and is my insurance rate going to go up if i was rear ended""

What does this dental insurance code mean?

The code is 42560 and it's by the insurance company equitable life insurance company of Canada . So what does this dental insurance code mean? How much will they cover for the gum graft? It's only one tooth that I need to have done for 600$. It's medical not cosmetic.

About how much will basic insurance cost for a 30 year old male once the new Insurance system is in place?

right now I can't afford insurance but will be required to buy it anyway starting in 2014, I am curious as to how much it will be. As I understand it, it will be basically figured at three different levels of service and three different rates depending on your age and the coverage you want. so for a 30 year old male who wants basic coverage how much would I expect to pay? just ball park. like $200 to $300 per month? more then that less then that? this question has been deleted over and over again I don't understand why.""

Do I need to have insurance before buying a car?

I canceled my car insurance a year ago, because I didn't have a car. Now I am ready to buy one again. Do I need to have insurance BEFORE buying the car, so I can drive it home? Or do I wait until after wards so I know what type of car to insure. I will be buying the car from the state auto auction if that makes a difference.""

Best place for cheap car insurance for young drivers?

im 19 make live in UK where is the best place to get cheap car insurance, any help appreciated""

How can I get insurance without a job?

I want to be a full time nanny but I won't be getting insurance. How can I get my own insurance?

""I'm 17 years old, and I'm going under my parents driver's insurance plan soon for driving, how much is it?""

My parents said I can drive now that I got a job, however I will have to go under their plan, and I'll have to pay the insurance. How much will it be? (:IMPORTANT NOTE: I took $1000 driving classes) So I'm guessing that will reduce the cost? Also I live in the state of PA and my parents are on AllState Insurance. So how much will the insurance be every month if I'm under my parents plan? AFTER I TOOK THOSE DRIVING CLASSES! And how long can I stay under my parents driving insurance? When will I NOT BE ABLE TO stay under my parents driving insurance? Or am I always able to stay under their driving insurance if I want to?""

""In California...If i drive an insured car, do i need my own personel insurance?""

In California...If i drive an insured car, do i need my own personel insurance?""

What questions do car insurance agents ask?

We're thinking of changing insurance companies. I want to do some calling around for quotes. What kind of questions should I be prepared to answer, aside from what model/yr of the vehicle, my age, etc.""

What is the name of the song on the JUST CAR insurance add on MTV ?

It the one with errbody beatboxing and this FLii as dude driving around with his blue car. There is an old as asian dude beatboxing and a couple of hot chicks as well. pls pls pls ...show more

What is the cheapest/reliable car insurance company in Miami Florida ?

I have clean record, 34 years old.""

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

What happens if i get caught without licence but with an insurance?

i am 18 and i have a car with insurance at my name what will happen if i get caught i am from california?

How much is car ins. per month for teens?

For full coverage, which includes, uninsured, underinsured, rental car and a low deductible, etc. . I am wondering if my teen is paying too much for car insurance? How much do you pay and what company is it through? I am curious to see if we're paying too much!! Thanks!""

Can you get insurance with a suspended license?

i asked a question earlier about my friend's loser bf who has a suspended license and says he is going to buy a car from a used car dealer my friend (who is stupid) is going to get him the loan to pay for the car he says HE will pay on the loan (i doubt it) i say you need insurance for a car loan but she may just get him just a loan i dunno what that means anyway i know you need proof of insurance for a car loan he says he has been forging his insurance for years i still say they are going to check on it for the loan again i am trying to prove him wrong but can a person get car insurance with a suspended license?

Good Renters Insurance?

What's a good renter's insurance company and the approximate cost ?

Assurant health insurance or Humana One?

Which do you think is better? I'm looking into high deductible insurance..And can't decide between the 2..And what about dental? How is basic dental compared to discpunt dental if I know I am going to need some work done (i.e. cavities and wisdom teeth are all grown in-i want them out)...Any input would be appreciated.

Is it cheaper to buy your own insurance or go on your parents insurance?

I was looking at prices online for one person and it's between 2K and - 3k for 6 Months just for me and my friends are own there parents insurance and they only pay 100 - 200 a month is that true about that? Where close to the same age.

Motorcycle insurance?

I'm just wondering how much this will cost if I get one in the future. I'm 17. I have had a car accident recently (last thanksgiving). And yes, I was at fault. I don't feel like naming my excuses... the insurance companies won't care anyway. But don't worry, no one was hurt. So anyway... what prices are we looking at if... 1. I get it now with my parents insurance? (we own four cars... I already have one) 2. I wait until I'm 18 and move out to a college dorm and have it as my only vehicle? 3. sport bike vs regular bike? 4. I wait a few years until the car accident is off my record? No lectures about safety please. just give me some numbers.""

What is the cheapest insurance for a 17 year old driver?

Aircraft insurance rates with DUI/DWI charge?

If one is a partner in a small aircraft, what effect does a potential DUI/DWI have on aircraft insurance rates?""

Is it illegal to use a wrong address on your car insurance?

I want to use the address my dad lives at for my car insurance because it makes my insurance 200 cheaper. It is my registered address and my driving license, bills and bank is addressed there but I don't technically live there anymore. I live between my boyfriend and another parents house. What is the deal with this?""

Can you get auto insurance with policy dated back a couple days?

I got a ticket for 5 over, I have a clean record but no insurance, can I buy insurance that will back up that date. It was sat the 14th""

How cheap is car insurance for a 16 year-old Floridian boy driving a 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer?

I'm a 16 yo dude in Florida wanting car insurance for my 2010 Mitsubishi Lancer and I have never gotten any ticket of any kind. I have not violated any rules....yet.

Why does my car insurance go up when I add on an Immobilizer?

I got a quote for 610 WITHOUT an immobilizer. Just found out I do infact have an immobilizer on my car so amended the car insurance quote and it went up 20 to 630... I thought an Immobilizer would take down the price!

Car insurance question?

To cancel car insurance will be 480 plus 50 admin fee to cancel this now ive lost my job. ive had insurance for 2 months and know they are all doing this cancellation fee now but i only got a car for work purposes and now they've made me redundant how i am expected to pay the 530? what can i do is there any options because i simply cant afford that amount.

Self employed and need affordable health insurance for self and children?

""How old you need to be for classic car insurance , im 22 and have a 22 yr old car?

What is the cheapest online auto insurance company?

As noted, the cheapest company, regardless of whether I have to sign up online or whatever.""

Car insurance?

if you have never had car insurance before which is the most least expensive one to go for?also about how much does it cost? if you only have one vehicle and one person on the account.

Do I need car insurance?

I am getting my permit in a week. Do my parents need to add me to the car insurance policy?

Anybody know the cheapest way to get car insurance?

Im 18/ female and this will be my first car , first time driving...prices are soo high it's hard to get cheap insurance at my age being a new driver. Does anyone know a loophole or just a way to get it real cheap?""

Is there any insurance company that will insure horses 17 and over to cover illness.?

Insurance on a cbr 600rr for a 20 year old in California?

Ive had my normal license (California) for 3 years and just got my motorcycle license. I am looking to buy a street bike, a sport bike specifically. I've looked at all the sporty bikes from 250 to 1000 and I plan on getting a 600 because I've been riding dirtbikes since I could walk so I know I'd get bored of a 250 but at the same time I know I'd kill myself on a 1000. I have a clean driving record aside from one speeding ticket(wasn't even speeding horribly) and a couple parking tickets. So what I'm ultimately trying to figure out is what the cost of my insurance would be and what insurance provider would give me the best coverage on my bike. I know I plan on getting liability since it is cheaper but any and all insight or examples would be very helpful. *people on yahoo love to hate on questions, so if you're one of those poeple, don't even comment. I know how bikes work and I've ridden them before, just need advice on insurance. Thank you!!""

Where to find cheap auto insurance in florida?

We are relocating to port richey florida and I am trying to find a cheap auto insurance company

Car leasing and insurance?

Hi All, My partner is 24 years old and has 6 points on his license for driving uninsured with a provisional license. He now has a license but is obviously having major troubles with insurance prices. We are looking into purchasing a lease car with insurance in the cost, can anyone recommend? We want something identical to the NHS fleet service until we can clear the points but no friends or family work there so unfortunately we are not legible to apply for this. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance, Emma""

I was in a car accident and didnt have car insurance..?

the other car is totaled... what do i do ?? can i get insuranse somewhere now who will cover a past wreck???

How much will my insurance pay if i have a deductable of 500.00????

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-auto-insurance-simple-carplease-help-dylan-perry/"

0 notes

hiddenscars98 · 6 years

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Sometimes what feels like the end, might just be the beginning....

Sometimes, what is a nightmare for us now, can open up doors to lead us to our dreams.

I guess i should kind of start from the beginning, or rather somewhere in the middle. If youve been following my blog for a while, you know that ive been out of therapy for a little while after a recent move across the country. Therapy is hard for me in general because i tend to keep things inside, and find it very difficult to trust someone and open up. So after moving i did not change to a new therapist just because i didnt think i was ready. I thought it only made sense to wait until i felt ready to get into the shit of my life and work through what needed to be dealt with. My veiw is that if I am not ready, i can be in therapy for 10 years, but aint notin goina happen.

In addition, i am on anti depressants to treat my severe depression. I was seeing a psychiatrist in my old place, but after moving, i figured i would wait until i would finish my medication and need a new prescription to find a new one.

Well, things seem to be working out differently than planned.

Last week, i landed myself in the hospital. I was having suicidal thoughts for a while, it was really messing with my brain, but i managed not to act on them. But it came a day last week where i was feeling especially shitty. I have sleeping pills which i take every night, and feeling desperate to just stop the thoughts, and numb my pain, i began swallowing the pills, planning on finishing the bottle. After a nice amount of pills, i had this realization that as much as i was afraid to live, i was even more afraid to die. Realizing what i was doing, i began experiencing trouble breathing. Thats when my mom found me. Imediately, she checked my pulse, and called an ambulance. The paramedics came, hooked me up to an EKG, and monitered me, while making a couple of phone calls. They spoke with posion control and it was clear, i would be rushed to the emergency room. I dont really remember what happened next, because my world went black. I passed out, and pretty much remained unconscious until much later on, in the hospital. The rest i know only from what I was told. We were on the way to one hospital, but my heart rate dropped too low so the ambulance had to rush to a closer hospital to stabilize me. I was brought into the emergency room and imediately hooked up to an EKG and an IV for fluid. They took some blood from me, and then ran all the necessary tests (im not sure exactly what, being that i was still under) i woke up after midnight, and was transferred to a room in the crisis unit. The psychiatric crisis unit is probably the least pleasurable part of the hospital. Before being transferred, they strip you completely of everything you have. I didnt have anything on me being that they already changed me into hospital scrubs when i was brought into the emergency room. But i did have a fuzzy blanket that was keeping warm and feeling safe that was taken away. The rooms, just like in the psych ward, are completely bare. All there was, was a bed. NOTHING ELSE. There isnt even allowed to be a garbage can in the room, for fear that patients may harm themselves, or others with it. Of course though, there is a video camera for round the clock security.

The crisis unit is where a patient is placed when brought to the emergency room because of potential harm to themselves or others. Basically what happens in this unit, you will be questioned by a couple of psychiatrists as to what happened, why it happened, if you ever had suicidal or homicidal thoughts, wether you are having worrisome thoughts at that moment......you get the idea. As with everything in hospitals, you are asked the same questions so many times i thought i might give those answers next time i was asked my name.

When i was asked those questions, i should have answered honestly, but i didnt. Knowing that telling the truth about the thoughts going on in my head would land me in the psych ward, a very uncomfortable situation, i answered all the right things with the hope that thatll get me discharged. I told them i was not trying to kill myself, all I wanted was to sleep, i was tired. I hoped that they would let me go and i can just leave and put all this in the past. But that was not the case, after trying to convince me to get admitted to the psych ward, they made a deal. I would be able to leave, if i promised to meet with a team back at home. I promised, of course. And 48 hours after i was admitted, i left.

My story isnt over yet, i still havent met witb anyone, but i know that i will have to take care of that soon. Laying in bed today, i realized, that this is going to be extremely uncomfortable for me, but it is something that has to happen if i truly want to live. Right now, i am merely surviving, i am staying afloat, but headed nowhere. Right now, i do not see a future, but i hope that although this may not be the most pleasant way to be forced to take action to heal my pain, maybe this will help me to shed the darkness of the past and shine light on the future, bringing me closer toward a happy and successful life

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my dear friends on Tumblr who are always there to support me and give me some love. Thank you!!! I will keep you posted💕💕💕

0 notes

somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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so i went to this therapy session. it consiisted of this woman asking me what i thought my issues were and going through a list of “important life factors” before she readily prescribed CBT. and like.. ive learned to play the game with these people; if you influence them by giving too much or focusing on the wrong thing, they can suggest stupid things. so i gave her very concise and bare bones answers.

unlike my family doctor, she had little focus on the traumas. she said the traumas must have created behaviors that needed to be examined. i mean, yeah. science? and like, i’ve learned to handle my anxiety atleast 30 - 40% better than say, last year. by using things similar to CBT techniques, like examining all possible outcomes and taking time to examine my anxieties rather than react on them. this has allowed me certain control over a lot of previusly panic inducing situations. but now im plateaued because the anxiety is not so much an issue -- i don’t care. i used to care alot more before. like i wanted to be seen as a good person and i went out of my way to be a good person and put myself and needs aside for it. but now i dont care? i find i have even less anxiety going out and meeting new people because i dont care? the apathy is overwhelming.

CBT doesnt fix apathy. and i dnt know if anything fixes apathy.

heres what i do KNOW from this year of self improvement: the only thing that has made me feel remotely better and that has made sound logical sense since it came to be acknowledged is really standard old school talk therapy. in no fucking way can cure anxiety about being alone or having no family by “positive affirmations”. you can try and see some positives in but if you try to fool yourself so far that youre “totally okay” with no one, there will always be one day that comes when you regret “totally okay”.

but absolutely no one cares about examining the known. no one cares why or how the family dynamic works except people literally studying it. all anyone knows is that by default, you’re handed a group of people who share similar dna to you and whatever happens after that is up to fate and chance. more often than not people have SOME kind of family. even those who say they dont “really” have family have some cousin or distance aunt or someone they manage to stay in close contact with.

heres what i also know: he is “right” about one thing - the people we know, including himself, were shaped and influenced by a community; there’s half a million strong here but yet if you’re in our age group and you’re white you can probably play six degrees of seperation. and a lot of people turned to drugs, a lot of people came from bad homes, a lot of people have untreated mental illnesses -- and these are the people i am turning to for support. because i have no real choice right now. it’s literally trying to survive and you cannot pick and choose in survival. you take whatever you can get wherever you can get it. and thats not even to say these are bad people. clearly if they offer any support at all they are good people in their hearts. no matter what issue they have, they’re decent people.

but in no fucking way what so ever are they equipped to support another person emotionally or even leave their own foundations of support because i mean, who does that? logically?

i went through all of this stuff. and like i’m nt trying to have a pissing contest of whos life was worse? my own parents lives were worse than mine. a close friend of mine - definitely way worse than mine. this could totally be worse but what difference does that make? you cut off a finger and you’re like “well didnt lose the hand” but youre still living with no finger. you still have to cope and deal with n finger every second of the day despite how much worse it “could” be.

to me my power and release and way i feel good is not through meditation or yoga or taking a walk - it’s being heard. i want to be heard. i lived in silence an was sheltered for a long time and i didnt get to speak on a lot of things that legitimately shaped the way i lived my life. and like i’m not asking for these things to be analyzed. theyre not here for like a game of psychology. this is my life. this is what i lived and i want to speak about it. i want to be able to speak for ten minutes straight on what happened to me and how i feel. and secondly i want to be understood. like im not speaking a different language. there is no hidden meaning i am just telling a story i want to have understood by the listener. when you read a book, you dont stop thrugh a paragraph and be like “oh i remember the time my mom did this and this” and go off into a new tangent for yourself. you give it focus and attention to understand the nuances of this person’s perspective.

and my doctor gave me the freedom to speak to him at anytime. i can literally go and be like i am upset and here is why and he will just listen to me. because my problem is not about me. my problem is the things that happened to me. CBT literally tells you that statements like “i am a victim to outside circumstances” is “harmful”. but i am? like i’m not saying this t promote an internal victimization but that outside circumstances happened to which i had little to no control over anything BUT my own reaction.

and the thing is - no one at all will ever fix what happened. very bad things happened. this is without a doubt now, bad things happened. almost all of the time. and people cannot even fathom such trauma without bringing up sexual abuse or physical abuse because it more often manifests those ways but this was a unique circumstance of very different factors - none of which are special in the world but just a timeline that by using all of these factors created a very jarring and traumatic time.

so you cannot give me medication. im not sick. im experiencing a natural reaction to long term trauma. like.. the brain is damaged now but who is to say filling it with synthetic chemicals to “fix” or cover the damage is any better? what happens when youre no longer on them?

you cant tell me to meditate on it; sit silently and dont think about it? cruel. how o you think i made it this far? i deserve to talk about these things, outloud, without judgement. i dont even need a group. in fact right now i deserve one single human to give me the respect and time. because literally? sometimes i need like.. one hour in a month. just one hour in 30 days to speak out loud everything that haunted me that month and have it acknowledged in reality without personal opinion inserted.

i explained to him why i didnt like cbt and why i felt like i wanted to be left alone now; like i was tired of being psychoanalyzed, i knew what my problem was, i knew what i wanted in life. he immediately brought up how i should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead and that i just needed to have that. i realize now that hes put alot of weight on a psychologist or w.e. solving my issues and “giving me coping techniques” and by me saying i wanted to be left alone triggered anger, like he assumed i was “giving up”? still, it went into an argument which led to him saying things like i needed to have a job to deserve a family which is very hateful and emotionally abusive thing to say. i walked away when we got to his place and then went to a friends for an hour or so before he picked me up. he commented on the way back, “just for the record, i’m just too real for people.” -- but ive started not to care. i told him he wasnt real, he was mentally ill and projected a lot of things on to people around him when he was a textbook example of toxic thinking. i said he should get therapy, but he wont because it takes work and it might mean he wont be great anymore but i still loved him regardless.

he sat quiet for a bit and when we got back to his place he made a casual remark asking if we had talked about him. i said sure and he asked what was said. i told him the only thing im ever told about him is to not listen to him because hes crazy. he laughed a bit and asked how and why and who. i doubled down and said even my doctor has told me to not listen to him because what he says is harmful and misunderstood. he got very quiet and then seemed to be upset the rest of the night. i couldnt understand entirely why though? did he feel bad about it? did he think i was wrong? did he have shame people held this opinion or was he angry they knew about him at all?

he was still a bit upset this morning but seemed to try and at least fake it? he told me he loved me when i left but it just seemed weird. i feel like he feels bad? like maybe he realized he was causing damage but now couldnt take it back? i certainly dont think he’d tell me he loved me if he was angry.

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