#and the symptoms are even stronger than the ones I had. still didn't occur to him to keep his distance I guess

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

Me, 1 week ago, perpetually numb: Man this sucks, I miss experiencing strong emotions

Me, now, properly angry for the first time in god knows how long: Man this sucks, I mi

#personal #a little under a month ago I had strong reason to believe that I'd gotten covid from my dad #so I did the responsible thing and isolated and it sucked #but I didn't give it to my roommate before he left to visit his family for the week so I was content that it had done some good #now he's back and he's ill and he's given it to me #didn't isolate in his room didn't give me the same courtesy I'd given him #and yeah I know he didn't mean it but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me #and the symptoms are even stronger than the ones I had. still didn't occur to him to keep his distance I guess #feels a lot more likely that this is covid than the illness I already had #and I don't know what exactly it is about the situation but honestly just thinking about having to quarantine again has me really upset #which is jarring bc recently I've been thinking about how long it's been since I've felt any kind of emotional extreme #now I'm out here trying not to cry over something I've theoretically done before #it's just not been a great day and it's kicked my brain back into feelings mode ig #don't get me wrong I'd rather feel a lot than nothing at this point but like #good things? please? can I feel strong happy emotions too maybe? #I've taken a covid test if that comes back negative I sure hope I feel happy but at this point who knows

[bigfan-fanfic]

Wake Up (Batdad Fanfic)

Oh god please write a fic about that time Damian’s mom stabbed batdad and he had to get surgery and healing for his appendix and the poison I AM BEGGING

Trigger warning for discussions and descriptions of injury, blood, etc.

"That was highly foolish." are the first words you hear when you awaken.

You struggle a little to remember where you are.

Gotham Mercy Hospital, in a private convalescent room, waiting.

You've been stabbed.

Bruce was incapacitated with the League of Shadows. With Ra's. And Talia had come into the Batcave to take Damian back.

She cajoled you, thanking you for taking care of her son and her beloved, but it was time for you to get out of her way now. It was Damian that attempted to defend you.

"No, Mother. I will not let you hurt him."

And that had made your heart soar, that you had made such a mark on Damian in so short a time - and considering only a few weeks before, he had been actively trying to kill you, that was quite the turnaround.

Talia sneered. "I thought you were stronger than this, son. I did not think you would go so soft so quickly."

Damian looked as though he had been slapped, and was frozen in horror as Talia approached.

"Very well. I can always make more."

Damian couldn't move, even as Talia approached, her blade already impregnated with venom.

Thankfully (?), you've been involved in enough crises that you can keep your head. The League of Shadows prefers lethality, and so the most typical poison they use on their weapons is tetrodotoxin derived from blowfish glands, which has no known antidote. Even nonlethal doses generally result in loss of motor control, making it easy to incapacitate an affected victim.

Tetrodotoxin works quickly, and only requires a small dose to be lethal when administered in an injection. However, when stabbed with a poisoned weapon, it's more likely the tainted blood will bleed out rather than introduce the toxin to the bloodstream.

Gotham Mercy has a dedicated on-call trauma unit, started when the villainous attacks started getting more violent. They won't likely have to deal with tetrodotoxin poisoning, but they can be informed as they take care of a stab wound.

All of this occured in a flash and you threw yourself forward in the path of Talia's precision stab. It struck at an odd diagonal, running you through slightly off center, a little above your hip.

You felt yourself rupture as Talia withdrew the blade in surprise, and you threw the smoke bomb that was lying on the supply dock.

Pain coursed through you as you felt Damian pull you towards one of the emergency exits, and you wondered when the shock would kick in.

Your brain was working on its own and already calling Gotham Mercy as Damian drove one of the cars, and informing the trauma unit of the emergency. You considered telling them about the tetrodotoxin, but considering you weren't feeling any of the telltale symptoms, including loss of motor function (allowing for the general trauma of bleeding out), so you didn't bother.

Then you ended up passing out, finally, and woke up here.

Dick is passed out at your bedside. He's leaned against an also-unconscious Bruce, the two of them clearly having tried to stay awake for you. You think Jason is probably standing guard outside, and since Alfred isn't here, you believe he must be at home ensuring Tim doesn't break down.

"Foolish? Nah." Your voice croaks from lack of use. "Reckless, yes. Dangerous, undoubtedly. But it's never foolish for a dad to protect his kids."

"You were stabbed. Run through! And you nearly were poisoned. They needed to conduct an emergency appendectomy because Mother ruptured your appendix! All for a boy who has done nothing but hate you and insult you. And you're still calling me your kid?"

"Yeah, Damian, I am. Cause I care about you. Because you've had a rough lot in life so far, and I know better than most what it's like to have to grow up fast. I know what it's like to be left behind by your parents. Maybe you're right, and I'm not your dad. That's okay too. But you know what? That's your choice to make. When you're ready. You don't have to call me dad, or treat me like anything more than a legal guardian and caretaker. I'm always here for you, though."

Your heart aches as you watch Damian's stoic face crack. He cries, and he cries hard, and when you instinctively reach out, he collapses into your embrace, and you ignore the wince at the sudden jolt of movement.

It's going to be rough. But it's always been that way. There'll be ups and downs. But you're alive, and the boy crying into your chest who has known nothing but fear and death is being vulnerable, and you know that you both will be okay.

#blood tw #injury tw #batdad reader #batdad #batman x male reader #batman x reader #batman headcanons #headcanons #bruce wayne x male reader #bruce wayne x reader

[warrior-cats-rewritten]

Bloodclan Reduxed

Version 1.2: Scourge has a different fate now.

So Bloodclan is an odd case in WCR. They WERE a group before, one that fell apart. Their old name was Blood Seekers, and it was pretty much just kitty Fight Club.

When the big head honchos were hit by a car though, the group fell apart almost completely. The only ones really left were Bone and Brick.

When Scourge took over, he renamed it Bloodclan, when asked why, he simply said "Easier to say". Bone and Brick respected him, and they all trained and got stronger.

At first he was a good leader. He wasn't soft by ANY means, but he didn't punish siblings for hanging out together.

Violet is beaten by Snake and Ice for 'stealing their catch' (being a better hunter than 2 fragile men) /being 'disrespectful' (refusing to let them undermine her). When they beat her up, and Barely rescues her, he brings her to Scourge but the response is pretty much:

"What do you want me to do? I can't heal cats. Go find a twoleg who can."

However, Scourge's rage was building, he wanted better for those who supported him, and he also wanted to destroy the cat who hurt him. He still chases out Ruby and Socks and doesn't bother feeding them, but before driving them other asks how Quince is doing.

Later on, when Brick is talking about Bloodclan's past, she mentions that cats of Thunderclan used to do raids on Twolegplace, slaughtering all Kittypets in their path, old, young, defenseless and capable. It didn't matter. Brick's mother was just a baby at the time, but was left orphaned by the raids, leading her to become a Blood Seeker for protection deeper in Twolegplace. Brick is out for Thunderclan blood, she will see Thunderclan flattened.

When Tigerstar comes around from the word of Boulder, child of an ex-Blood Seeker, Scourge assumes that Tigerstar is perhaps apologizing for what he has done, and is offering the hungry cats of Bloodclan land where they can hunt as that apology. If not? Well... Scourge could always go for a round 2.

When the Blood, Tiger, and Lion battle occurs, his realizes that Tigertsar was not sorry at all, and has no intention of honouring his deal. Tigerstar doesn't even remember the tiny kitten he brutalized, the axe has forgotten but the tree never will.

Ripping open Tigerstar was cathartic, though watching him spasm on the forest floor 9 times was... Odd. Never seen a cat do that before. Threatening the treacherous Clans, he gave them 3 days.

"Leave, or Bloodclan's hunting grounds will have to be a mass grave."

The Battle Of Blood and Lions was horrible, many were lost on both sides. But Firestar, wanting to prove that the Clans were different, wanted to give this cat a chance.

He pinned Scourge down and tore off the too-tight collar he wore, and for the first time in years, Scourge took a deep breath.

Scourge took his first life in response. Along with it came a vision of himself, killing Scourge. But he could not get over how... Familiar... Scourge looked. The same white paw as his father, the same build as his beloved brother Filou, and eyes like Cloudtail...

He chose to lose the life given to him by Swiftclaw, and realized he was fighting to protect young cats. But he made a horrifying realization. While one of the mollies fighting had the look of a Queen who'd had a litter about 1 moon ago, Bloodclan did not bring any young cats. They may not have a Warrior Code like the Clans, yet still held some kind of honour. They were hungry, yet still fighting desperately...

The Clans were a sickness, and events like the Battle Of Blood and Lions were a symptom. Bloodclan was never the real enemy.

After picking a life to lose (more on that later), Firestar then fought on, and once again showed mercy to Scourge.

Firestar offered him a chance. The Clans would make room, and Bloodclan could join them in the forest, a 6th 5th Clan amongst them were they could all thrive, and that he would allow Bloodclan to establish themselves, push the other Clans to change...

They continued to fight, Firestar's words and promises making Scourge lose steam until Firestar caught his head in his paw, slamming him to the forest floor. Scourge was breathing, but no other cats knew that.

Quietly, Firestar signed to Snowpaw, the deaf apprentice who was still Scourge's size.

'Take him to camp.'

No one in Bloodclan knew about this, as Firestar had jumped ahead, hiding their small leader. They assumed their leaders had just been killed. They did not see the small white cat quickly carrying their leader away into the undergrowth. No cat would know what had just happened to the leader of Bloodclan.

The leaders after him were tainted by that. Claw, despite his name, tried to keep peace, but Brick's daughter Fury was too angry. The two fought constantly, and while they were out, a dog attacked in the middle of a bloody fight. It got Claw, and Fury didn't help.

After Fury became peaceful, Snake and Ice went off creating Neo Bloodclan, another group of bullies that gets stamped out during Ravenpaw's Peace (now one book)

Nowadays, Bloodclan is ruled by an older Fury, and while they are still a tough bunch, they're alright to be around. They are the other Forest Clan alongside Warriorclan and they are thriving. Their is no fighting with Warriorclan, no borders to defend. They still love to wrestle around, and show off how tough they are, but all around, they're not bad cats at all.

And Scourge? Well... that's a post for another day.

#warrior cats #warrior cats rewrite #warriors #wcr #bloodclan #warriorclan #fury is also gremlin's ex but they don't talk after the split #especially after gremlin leaves #wc gremlin #wc barley #wc boulder #wc fury

[cheerstotheelites-if]

Can you give us a short snippet of how a magi battle in cheers to the elties will look like, just to get an idea?

you can choose the magic type and the experience of the magi yourself

Oh absolutely! Writing Magi battles are always fun for me. I do have some old ones that I've written before making this IF, so I'll share those instead.

Forgive me if the writing is a bit clunky, for any grammar mistakes, and for any outdated stuff, this was from February of last year before I did some lore rewrite.

Here are the characters and their magic:

Eiliane (or Eli): Astrology; Moderate Rudyard: Fungi Druid; Master

Under the cut as per usual!

Additional context: This is in and during a Magi Gala

=-=-=

Another battle.

Magic blast off each other on the stone floored battlefield.

Another duel.

Eli stumbles back, coughing into her shoulder upon inhaling some of the spores of the mold sprouting from the ground. Her vision began to spin and blur, the wine and shrimp she had earlier wanted to launch out of her stomach with each increasing cough.

What did she bring herself into?

The atmosphere is thick with tension from the long duel that's occuring. It's already been a good near half hour since its started, and things weren't already doing well for Eli from the get-go.

A few feet before her stands a disheveled man with long, messy, jet black hair and pale beige skin. He wears a dress shirt, untucked and unironed with its sleeves pushed to his elbows. A black tie hangs loosely from his neck. His black slacks was also messy, not even pleated or ironed. He's barefoot like Eli, his dress shoes laying on the side after being tossed away.

Dark red eyes watch Eli as she succumbs to whatever she inhaled. His eyebags and stubble gave him a more menacing look as he stares. He walks over, hands lazily tucked into the pocket of his slacks as Eli fell onto one knee and still coughing.

This man is Rudyard Villan. An alchemist and a fungi druid from Burnwood.

"Are you done?" He asks, bored and unimpressed, and grabbing her head and knees her in the eye. The arcana Magus falls back, glasses breaking on impact and a few shards getting stuck into her cheek. The glasses fell off, frame now broken from the knee jab. "And here I was, looking forward to something like your duel earlier."

Eli didn't reply—she couldn't reply. Whatever is happening to her, it's getting worse. The urge to throw up is stronger than ever, her head is pounding, and her vision is fading in out. Even with all of that, she slowly gets to her feet, stumbling. The shouts of her Familiar Howl landed on Eli's deaf ears.

"EILIANE, STOP!" He yells, his worry and anxiety spiking upon seeing Eli this way. He has to do something. He wants to do something, but the rules of the duel prevent him from doing so. It is unwise to break the barrier when a battle is happening.

Damn the rules, he curses in his head.

Eli looks into Rudyard's eyes, swaying as she stood. "You want a battle?" She asks, voice raspy from a growing inflamed throat, "let's get serious then."

Rudyard cocks his head to the side, eyebrow raising. "Oh? Show me then."

Eli scowls at his gesture, before throwing whatever remaining cards she had left. Rudyard simply dodges them by simply moving from one side to the other, unimpressed still.

"That old trick again?" He frowns a bit. "Trying to summon limbs and hold me down like the swordsman?"

"If only it were that easy." Eli charges at him, despite the things she's feeling growing worse.

Rudyard leans back upon Eli's attempt to punch him. He quickly steps back from her second attempt, swiping his hand close to her face, a cloud of spore following. The symptoms increased, her joints hurt all over, and why is everything slowly becoming numb…? It didn't stop her from flicking two of her fingers towards her.

Rudyard furrowed his brows in confusion at the gesture, but his answer soon came to him when a sharp crack erupts, coming from him as something tightly grips him. Something broke, and it's definitely his. His upper arms are broken. Pain quickly takes over his senses, and he held back the urge to scream in pain. He's right on Eli summoning limbs to grab him, but he didn't guess that she'll do something this brutal.

Another flick of Eli's fingers, and Rudyard is slammed onto the barrier behind her with the force of a jet crashing onto the ground. More cracks were audible as Rudyard is crushed onto the wall. Eli lowers her fingers, and the fungi druid is dropped onto the ground.

She stood there for a while, before falling onto her side with a faint thump onto the ground.

Tensed silence hung in the air, unsure on who's won even though the answer seems so obvious. Before a winner could be declared, Rudyard slowly shifts and gets up. The fungi all over the battlefield seeped into his fingers, and appear to be… fixing every broken bone he possess with sickening cracks and twitches. It wasn't long until he's good as new. He sits up eventually, before looking at Eli.

Footsteps approached her, as she fought to stay conscious. She can't move even if she wanted to. Everything in her body is failing her, and she can barely even breath, it being shallow and slow. Rudyard's feet came into view, and she can't react when he pulled her up by the hair. The stinging pain that she's supposed to feel is merely nothing. Dark red eyes gaze onto her barely open dark orange ones, its spark of life slowly dying.

"So this is Top 1's protigé? Is this what the Valenstine family can do?" Rudyard sighs, and shakes his head, "you really had me, Eiliane. You almost did, and I'm disappointed that you didn't finish me off when you had the chance." He shakes her a bit, as if her now limp body is a ragdoll. "Is throwng cards your only strategy? How boring and predictable." With a sneer he drops her, breaking her right forearm with his heel as Eli numbly takes the pain. A sickening loud crack came from it.

He rubs his neck, his exasperation growing to pissed off anger. "It's time I put you out of your misery, Valenstine."

"You bastard, don't you dare." Cold words escaped Howl's mouth, already in his human form now and glaring at the fungal Magus with cold murderous hatred. "I'll fucking kill you if you do that, you piece of shit." Rudyard looks at Howl, staring back with the same coldness.

He continued to stare, slowly raising a hand as mold grew from under his feet and made its way to Eli. "Make me, you useless fuck. You only stood there while you let your master get beaten up. The hell kind of Familiar are you to let it happen?"

Howl was just about to get into the battlefield to beat up the living shit out of Rudyard, when—

"Rudy!" A female voice calls out, and Rudyard quickly looks over at where it came from. There stood a woman with bright pastel blue hair, looking at him in horror.

"What are you doing…?" Her voice is softer now in disbelief, as she glanced at the dying Eli then back at Rudyard who was standing over the Valenstine.

#general ask #curious anon

[msfightingbeautyqueen]

MENTAL HEALTH x MS - My Current State

"When life gives you lemons".

…And MS contains a lot of sour moments where it feels like an eternity. Other times, it may feel like a good day where it can be very rewarding. When it comes to my mental health with Multiple Sclerosis, the battle has and continues to give me a run for my money for the past five years. The learning experience never stops.

So, here's the breakdown of my mental health feat. MS for the past five years:

Year One

The first year contained a lot of uncertainty where my family and I feel very helpless of being unable to do anything about my MS in 2016. It brought a lot of worrisome, confusion and concerns about what the future has in store for me. The bittersweetness of being the only MS fighter in the family felt and (still feels) like I'm alone. I'm happy that no one else in my family has to deal with this. But, it sucks that I can't share it with someone else.

It was also annoying to deal with due to the newly developed symptoms (at the time). The headaches and back pains got me extremely worried to a point about whether or not if I needed a wheelchair in the future.

Although, if you're wondering if there were any good moments that occurred during that year... let's just say that I am thankful that I have a neurologist who believes in my story and wants to be part of my journey. (Thank God for her).

Year Two

Well... the second year was almost the same as the previous year. The only difference is MORE brain lesions appeared on my MRI scans. At that time, I tend to wonder what would happen to my brain had a lot more lesions than expected? I had more questions than answers regarding my condition. Does this mean that I need some kind of treatment to remove my symptoms or even my brain lesions? Part of me thought: "What if I had surgery to remove the lesions in my brain and spinal cord?" (Thinking back now... I knew it would be too risky for doctors to do that. PLUS, I'm not even sure that is a viable option for MS fighters).

Back then, my neurologist was concerned and wanted me to take medication (aka DMTs) to prevent more brain lesions to come inside my brain and spinal cord.

Year Three

It took me a lot to convince my mom to allow me to take the treatment. The fact that my tears helped made my case stronger; helped my mom understand how vital it was for me. I was also at ease because I can have some kind of medication that can help me battle MS and its symptoms.

(Now I know that some of you may be concerned about why I should be asking my mom's permission to get DMT while I'm over 19... Yes, I know I'm over 19 years. But, I was born and raised in a traditional Philippine Household. So, FAMILY IS EVERYTHING! PLUS, my mom has been attending the follow-up appointments with me since day one. Hence, her concerns are valid).

Thankfully, I was able to convince her and let me take it. I was so excited and ready to move forward in this journey. Usually, when we think of medications -- it's usually over the counter, main brands that we usually see. But, in this case with MS -- it means so much more. But first, my neurologist told me to get my bloodwork done to see if I'm ready to take it. Eventually, I passed and I cried when I first saw the parcel, it gave me tears of joy knowing that this can help me make me feel better.

It was exhausting at times when I had to stop taking it. I had experienced some chest pains a few times where it made me and my neurologist concerned. Luckily, my neurologist's solution was for me to have healthy foods and hearty fats. (& it has been working for me ever since).

At the same time, I was also still enrolled in my undergrad and taking the evening course from 7-10pm was exhausting... I had a lot of fatigue and was ready to go to sleep. But, I'm so happy that it was also my LAST evening course because that affected my physical and mental well-being. (In case if you were wondering about my mark -- it was a B).

Year Four

So happy that about 2019-2020 because this was the year that I've completed my undergrad studies where it literally took me SIX YEARS, TWO STRIKES AND A COVID-19 VIRUS. I was involved with campus life activities, work-study and two 6-credit courses. At that time, I was living my best life... UNTIL COVID CAME!

Sadly, I was supposed to visit the Philippines around May 2020, but I wasn't able to. (Plus, my grandmother would be disappointed in me if I didn't follow the health and safety rules). So, having my home under lockdown is just me reminiscing about my childhood upbringing.

At the end of my undergrad, I was able to get all A's and take a break for a year -- because studying can be exhausting. Thankfully, I was able to have a virtual appointment with my neurologist. Despite the current state of my MS condition, I'm at low risk of getting COVID-19. But, she told me to follow public guidelines anyways. Thus, I'm very content with her blessings.

Fast forward to the summer -- I surprisingly got my undergrad degree and certificate framed from York University. The parcel was heavy though... But, my mom was so hyped -- she decided to hang it up on the wall in the living room for everyone to see.

Another good news during the pandemic was GETTING A NEW BED FOR CHRISTMAS! (Thanks mom lol). Yeah, my back has been hurting me for a very long time. Hence, my mom decided to order it. Plus, it gives me one less item to worry about while battling MS.

Year Five (Present Day)

Another year, another day and I'm still here. Overall, my mental health with MS remains the same. It's still here and I can't really do anything about it (other than trying my best to live a healthy lifestyle while following doctor's orders). I'm also grateful that I have an amazing support system that cares about me and checks in on me. At this time, (other than having COVID disappear forever)... I just want a cure to end MS.

#endms #multiplesclerosis #ms #msfighter #curems #msfightingbeautyqueen #mssucks #beatms #msandme #msawareness #msawarenessmonth #canada #filipina #mystory #msorigins #MSConnections #mental health #covidー19 #coping

[yangkcrystal]

Coming to Peace

I’m not exactly sure how to begin. I guess...let me start with this. This past Sunday, I taught a lesson on “Persevering for the Purpose of Godliness”. When I was asked to teach, my initial plan was to expound on Romans 5 and Paul’s own suffering. However in my preparation, I was taken back to a season of my suffering where the reality of our broken world and God’s amazing grace met. In my remembrance, I was compelled to expound on God’s Truth in the midst of my own suffering and perseverance. It was never my intentions to share my suffering so deeply, let alone allow myself to reflect on the details of it. As I cried and choked on snot through my lesson, I realized that I never came to peace with my suffering. 

You see...in late 2017, I became very stressed with a personal matter occurring in my life. It ate me away and before I knew it, my stress allowed a way for Satan to step in and exaggerate my emotions. As 2018 approach, depression was at the doorsteps welcoming me. During my phase of depression, I cried in any place that was private. In my car, in the shower, in my kitchen. I can still see myself trying to hold it all together because I didn’t want my husband to know the rainstorm circulating within me. I can still remember the silent tears that my pillow drank on nights I felt overwhelmed for no reason. It was no longer about the initial personal matter that caused my feelings to spiral downwards. There are really no words for how I truly felt. I felt helpless; I felt hopeless. For some reason, I just always felt a sense of gloom over me. My emotions began to impact my physical well-being as time went on. I was tired often and didn’t have the desire to eat much either. I became thin, in which I received many compliments from my mom for "keeping it together". However, everything was just falling apart. Unfortunately at the time, I didn’t realize I was depressed because I held the belief that my faith would not allow me to. It wasn’t until a couple months into 2018 that I came to a place where I acknowledged my depression. But I questioned myself, how could a faith-filled woman become depressed?

Then suddenly in April 2018, the violent waves of anxiety crashed over me...seeking to devour me. It hit me fast and hard. The rainstorm circulating within conjured into a hurricane I couldn't escape, and anxiety was in the eye of the storm. Anxiety is not momentary. It isn’t when your heartbeats fast before you take a test, or make your way up to sing in front of an audience. Anxiety isn’t when you’re nervous for your kids first day of school, nor is it the feeling you get before a job interview. Those events may cause you to be anxious—being anxious is a normal emotion everyone feels every now and then. But it is not anxiety. Anxiety is something you feel 24/7; from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep, though even in your sleep…you are restless. Anxiety is the excessive and all-consuming emotion of deep, inescapable fear. It was strange, because I didn’t know exactly what I was fearful of. I just knew that I lived in an intense amount of fear every second of every day. I was unable to stay calm inside. My heart felt tight all the time and I no longer felt like myself. Due to this, my performance at work and my patience at home dwindled. I had lost control of my well-being, work performance, and my responsibilities at home.

As my depression and anxiety raged on, I experienced severe depersonalization, also known as derealization. You will find that most people who suffer from anxiety have/has experienced depersonalization. It’s hard to describe it, but I often felt detached from my body and unable to grasp reality or my current situation(s). I felt as if I no longer existed in the world. In short, I was on auto-pilot because my body was unable to feel anything else other than the fear that was spread within me. I acted as human as I could to ensure nobody knew what I was going through. My husband whom I shared a bed with was oblivious; I wanted to keep it that way. I continued feeling irreparable, disabled, everything remorseful and yet nothing. I felt a sorrow so dark that I believed no one would ever understand.

Satan took this opportunity to drown me in many lies about myself and God. I began to believe that I was never a child of God. Everything that I’ve every done in my Christian life was all for pride. Salvation was no gift of mine and God was no friend to me. God was a liar and did not love me. Ending my life would be significantly better than living in fear. 

I thought I had experienced the worst of it all as I battled through the spiritual warfare. Then it happened. Within the last two weeks of May 2018, I experienced my first of 3 major panic attacks. This was the cherry on top for me. Everything that I have been feeling for the past few months was exemplified by 100. I can still recall what happened that night as if it were yesterday. I sat up quickly in my bed as everything around me was tunneling in. I was afraid to shut my eyes because I was sure death was to follow. I heard my heart beat outside of my chest. My heart rate increased dramatically, which caused me to think I was having a heart attack. In between the pounding of my heart and the rapid beating of my heart, I was trembling as if an earthquake had just came through. My body continued to spiral around with breathlessness, chills, and excessive sweat. After the dramatic symptoms passed, my chest was struck with a tightness so severe that it turned my stomach inside out. Before the panic attack ended, my head became as light as a cloud while my body experienced a deep sense of detachment. My panic attack lasted approximately 3 minutes. I knew because Jay had taken Hazel out to use the restroom, in which it typically took 3 minutes. This was my first panic attack and I was determined to make it my last.

The moment I heard Jay shut the screen door of our home, I laid in bed as quickly as I was able and turned away to make him think I was sleeping. But in reality I was thinking about ending my life. As I laid in my bed inside the love-filled home my husband and I shared, I cried to myself, “God, I can’t handle this anymore. If I have to deal with this for the rest of my life...I won’t.” That dreary night in May I began to think about ways to end my life to escape the eye of the storm. It didn't feel like a big deal to me because I already felt like I didn't exist. The only difference would be that I would no longer physically exist. Throughout the night I envisioned two possible ways for me to escape. My tired body forced itself to doze off into a deep sleep while I silently drenched my pillow in tears.

Depression. Anxiety. Depersonalization. These were all very raw emotions, and they are all very serious mental illnesses. By the power of God, a lot has been done to remediate the suffering except the trauma. In full transparency, I still struggle with anxiety [and depersonalization]. I’ve wrestled with the question, “why am I still struggling when my faith has been refined to be stronger than before?” But the fact is that we live in a broken world filled with sin. Anxiety is the proof of sin, in which some experience the reality of how sin has tainted the world. Will the deep cuts of fear engraved in anxiety ever be eradicated? With a joyful heart, I exclaim with a yes! “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Corinthians 4:17).” 

I can’t speak for everyone who has gone through this type of suffering. But this is my story; the story of a faith-filled woman who was brought to a place of suffering so agonizing that taking her own life was the only way to have peace. I know sometimes it may be hard to understand why anyone would have the will power to end their life, but know this...the enemy works hard to try and destroy anything that brings glory to God. The solid foundation of God’s Truth was the only thing standing between my life and death. It’s taken a few beloved people and over thousands of words to fight for the peace of knowing this Truth: though I have suffered a little while [and will continue to], the God of all grace, who has called me to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish me (1 Peter 5:10). 

My peace now rests on the Truth that one day, God our Creator will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things will have passed away (Revelation 21:4).  

CY

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