#and uhhhh. okay. i have had one pill of this. and my brain is back

[negativeyield]

i came from ur greenout fic and u officially gave me soft ghoul comfort brain worms so soooo happy ur doing prompts. the worms must be fed

"this is the moment of just letting go" with Rain having insomnia and getting help from Swiss or Dew??

anon i could kiss you on the lips this is DELICIOUS -- from this prompt list

the dark's not taking prisoners tonight

Hitting sixty-six hours without sleep was a new record Rain had not tried to break.

He couldn’t figure out what the fucking problem was.

Rain was exhausted. Eyes heavy, brain slow. Supplements like melatonin had little effect on ghouls, but he tried it anyway. When that didn’t work, he downed some sleeping pills that only succeeded in making him see shadows that weren’t actually there— effectively scaring him into staying awake even longer.

He’d had bouts of insomnia before. Especially when they were timezone hopping on tour and his internal clock got majorly fucked. Rain would go through the usual channels: turning off any electronics, putting on some white noise, popping a sleeping pill for good measure. Sometimes he’d hit the gym a little harder to tire himself out.

Usually, these things worked.

Ironically, the only time he managed to get anywhere near sleep was in the middle of band practice. They were taking five while Mountain ran back to his room to get extra drumsticks after snapping his last spare. Most of them took that as their cue to grab a snack or go to the bathroom. Rain didn’t have the energy to do anything else but sit right where he was standing. One thing led to another, and suddenly his body was pitching backward.

Rain flailed, his reflexes grossly failing him. Luckily, he was swooped into someone’s arms before smacking his head into Moutain’s kit.

“Rain?” it was Swiss who caught him, pushing him back up to a sitting position before dropping to his knees in front of him, placing a hand on Rain’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Rain was disoriented. Head sleepy, heart beating rapidly as the adrenaline pushed its way through the overwhelming desire to lie down. He shook it off, nodding at Swiss.

“Yeah I… just guess… I.. uh,” the more Rain spoke gibberish, the more worried crossed Swiss’s face. Incoming footsteps and the anxiety of everyone seeing him like this seemed to snap Rain’s brain back into somewhat decent shape, and he managed to speak fluently. “Got a little dizzy, I guess.”

The footsteps turned out to be Dew downing the rest of a soda as he entered. His eyes fell on the two ghouls on the ground and he looked at them curiously.

“Having a picnic, boys?”

Before Rain could say anything, Swiss interjected. “Something’s wrong with Rainy.”

Dammit Swiss.

“What?” Dew’s mood immediately shifted. He hurried over while Swiss felt Rain’s forehead. “Are you sick?”

“No, I just—”

“He was sitting there and randomly went limp.”

“I got a little dizzy,” Rain argued, getting defensive even though he was lying, “I went to lie back and lost my balance.”

“Lost your balance while sitting down, huh?” Dew didn’t seem convinced. He seemed to have a particular talent for reading through his bullshit.

“I guess. Probably just need some water, I’ll be fine.”

Rain could feel Swiss staring at him. He turned to the multi-ghoul, who was intensely looking Rain up and down. “Want to tell us the last time you slept, Rain?”

Perceptive motherfucker. Sometimes he forgot Swiss had some quintessence in him.

“Uhhhh, three…” he messed up the division, counting again on his fingers. “Or four—”

“Fucking hell, Rain,” Dew looked at Swiss and then grabbed Rain’s hand. “You’re going to bed right now.”

“But we’re in the middle of—”

“The only thing we’re in the middle of your nap time. Swiss, take him to his room. I’ll meet you there after I talk to Papa.”

Swiss nodded, grabbing Rain’s forearm and basically pulling him to his feet against his protests. He didn’t have enough energy to fight the multighoul as he was led out of the practice room and toward the sleeping quarters.

However, that didn’t mean Rain wasn’t cognoscent enough to fight him verbally.

“I’m not a child, Swiss, I can go to bed myself,” he twisted out of Swiss’s grip, crossing his arms over his chest. Swiss, uncharacteristically, said nothing in response. “We really didn’t need to stop practice for this!” Silence. “It’s not like I didn’t try to sleep all those nights. I did. I tried everything.” Nothing. They reached Rain’s room and he whirled around at the blank-faced ghoul. “Are you going to fucking say anything?”

Swiss looked at him, sighing.

“You get pissy when you’re sleep-deprived.”

“Fuck you.”

“Maybe after you have a nap, Sleeping Beauty,” he said with a wink that was at least more in-character. Swiss reached around him, opening the door. “After you.”

Rain switched into a lightweight pair of pajama pants and an undershirt and laid down on his bed. Despite being tired enough to fall asleep sitting up in the practice room, here he felt wide awake again. It frustrated him enough that tears started to well up in his eyes, which was quickly noticed by Swiss.

“Rainy, what is it?” his voice was soft. Not mocking. Swiss reached out for him, and Rain decided he wanted the comfort. He grabbed Swiss’s hand and tugged weakly. The multi-ghoul laid down beside him and Rain immediately curled into him.

“I’m so tired,” he cried into his chest. The agony of being awake for so long was finally coming to a head. Swiss just rubbed his back in soothing circles as sobs racked his body. Rain was so out of sorts, he hardly noticed when the bed dipped under Dew’s weight. He took his place on Rain’s other side, entrapping him between Swiss’s tight embrace and the natural warmth of a fire ghoul.

“What do you think is keeping you up?” Dew asked gently once Rain’s sobs subsided into a dull numbness.

“I don’t know,” he shook his head, nuzzling into Swiss’s shoulder. “It’s like my mind won’t stop long enough.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing! Stupid shit. How much it sucks to not be sleeping, usually. Deciding who would be willing to punch me in the head just to knock me out for a little while.”

“Cirrus, probably,” Swiss muttered. Rain could feel Dew shift, probably to deliver a dirty look. “Trust me, she pents that shit—”

“You’re in a cycle, Rain,” Dew interrupted. “Not sleeping, getting anxious about not sleeping, not sleeping because you’re anxious about not sleeping— we gotta break the cycle somehow.”

“You know when my mind is usually the blankest?” Swiss said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. “After I—”

“That is a last resort,” Dew swatted at him.

“It could work, though,” Swiss argued. Rain hated to agree with Swiss being a horny bastard, but it wasn’t the worst idea.

“It could also rile him up!” Dew also made a fair point.

“Only if you can’t get him there.”

“I fucking swear Swiss. Your name is carved into my last fucking nerve.”

“Does the carving say ‘Swiss + Dew forever’ in a cute little heart?”

“Only in your dreams.”

They continued to argue. Rain had a feeling it wasn’t ending anytime soon. He settled into the crook of Swiss’s shoulder, listening to the steady beat of his heart. With Dew’s warmth and the pressure of his limbs on Rain, he started to feel heavy. Swiss and Dew’s voices grew distant. It wasn’t long before he had a moment of awareness that he was finally slipping into sleep.

And he let go.

#prompt fill #rain ghoul #swiss ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #sodo ghoul #the band ghost #ghost the band #insomnia #bed sharing #theres some suggestive lines but can be read as gen or they're fucking

[neveratease]

Have to go

Characters: Sam and Dean

Takes place between ‘Ouroboros’ and  ‘Peace of Mind.’

If you haven’t watched s14 yet, don’t read it, please.

The story is on Ao3 too...

Big fat raindrops are finding their way to the concrete. If you listen, like really listen to the sound, you’ll know. The drops are integrated and have one pulse in them. With that beating pulse, they are finding their way.

Problem is when will I find my way?

The bigger problem is where am I supposed to go?

My eyes can’t keep up with them, it’s heavy and I know how it feels. But still, it hurts. The burning eyes hurt…

A lonely teardrop just has made its way to the pillow right with the beating of the raindrops. They are synchronizing. And I’m part of the symphony.

But where am I supposed to go?

———————————————————————————————————-

My fever-fretted brain cannot grasp in this curtains-drawn motel room if it’s night or day. But the raindrops prevail…

In the middle of nothing and everything in my brain, I hear a faint sound of a voice. I focus really hard on it. A cold calloused hand on my forehead. I suppose everything seems cold on my burning skin. But the voice with it, the concerned sound is trying to reach me. I know I have to go there. I try to leave this place that my brain is projecting over and over like a broken record. Like I get it, man! My life is a series of nightmares, nothing else. So what do you want me to do? I ask myself. Wow! Really not stopping at the full-blown psychotic breakdown drama, are we?

I ask myself once again.  

What do you want me to do? I ask again.

Stay here. So what it’s all dark and sometimes you want to rip your heart out, just to not feel it even when you’re barely conscious. It’s predictable at least. Do you know what’s out there? No, you don’t. I do. More nightmares. But they will be real. It’s comfy here. Out there? Nothing good for you.

I contradict myself. It’s like arguing with a really stubborn ass. Dean says that all the time about me.

Dean! Dean! Dean!

I have Dean out there. I have to go there.

But where am I supposed to go?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, where was I again? Yeah, have to leave, have to go, can’t be stuck inside my head!

God! What’s on my eyelids? Stones? Mountains? Maybe I’m in the car. No, too quiet here.

Nope! Not moving my head! Bad idea! Uhh!

“Sammy! Sammy, you wake?”

I groaned, “noooo.” but I tried to open my eyes anyway and Dean’s face came to vision. It was hovering over me and I startled, moved too quickly.

Bad idea again!

“Uhhhh!” An unvolunteered teardrop made its way again... God! Not again.

“Hey, hey, easy there!” Dean pulled me by my shoulders and I was sitting against the wall on my motel-bed in no time.

A glass full of water and two Tylenol came under my nose and I said, “Dude!” But, it came out as a whine instead of a growl.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean spoke and handed the pills, “found you passed out on the floor! Fever’s 103.5.”

I gulped down the water. What is it? Desert in my throat? Man! This sucks!

“Hello!”

I startled again and looked up at a gawking Dean, “Ummm, what?”

He threw his hands in the air!

He’s looking at me, lips into a thin line, jaw clenched and big eyes.

Man those are some big eyes. Golf balls!

“Golf balls,” my broken voice came before I could stop.

“What?” That eyes again!

I’m not making any sense to him.

“You’re not making any sense to me!”

Bingo!

“I’m fine!”

“Yeah. And I’m Madonna!”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed. That brought a smirk to his face, always does. Sadly, he’s tensed most of the times because of me. Everything is tied to me. It sucks to be me, isn’t it? More sucks if you are around me. 

“No, it doesn’t.”

Did I say that out loud?

“Yeah, you did. and you’re still doing.”

A hand came to my head, removed the hairs on my face.

“It’s gonna be okay, Sammy. You rest. I’m here.”

Why is my brain is singing Africa? Good song though...”I seek to cure what’s deep inside. Frightened of this thing that I have become...” I hummed quietly...

“You weren’t going to,” I said without opening my eyes.

“I wasn’t going to what?” Dean was perplexed.

“Be here.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry Sammy.” A cool washcloth came to rest on my forehead along with the hand of my big brother. God! He still makes me feel like a five-year-old. I groaned.

“Not your fault...” I finally said, “Just don’t ever tell me to apologize for trying to save you.”

“Then stop blaming yourself for the deaths of other hunters,” he said. I can hear he’s grinding his teeth.

“Michael really screwed us over, huh?” A dry laugh came from me.

And silence from the other end.

After a while, I opened my eyes to look over and what I saw I don’t want to see ever but I have and still, I don’t get used to it. 

A beaten Dean Winchester.

God! I so wished you never had to go through that. I’m so sorry.

I was thinking those things but I couldn’t say it to the bowed head.

“Michael used to taunt me when he’ll kill those monsters, he’ll give me a peek behind the curtains.” A broken chuckle cut through the silence, “He wanted to show me how I’m going to enjoy all that blood on my hand and at my core, I am a murderer, I destroy everything.” 

I tried to speak up but he beat me to it. 

“And I believe him. Because the opposite is so hard to believe that the people I care about are suffering and I still can’t do a damn thing about it...”

I was speechless. For the life of me, nothing came to me to reassure him. I couldn’t say it’s okay because it’s not and it never will be. He may not be physically tortured by Michael but being used like that and losing control- it’s a wound that never really heals. So, I did the only thing I thought I could at that time.

I took his hand and draped it over my head.

He looked up startled. I kept my hand over his, gave a light squeeze and he understood as his brows came back to their original place. I removed my hand and, “Massage it well, Jerk.”

He barked out a laugh and this time it was honest, “You bet your ass I will,” and pulled my long hair mildly. I howled in mock-pain. He continued to laugh.

I laughed a little too. 

“Not your fault. You said it yourself once, angels are dicks. You could imagine how archangels can be,” I said.

He was quiet for a second, my focus was on his face which was still smiling “Yeah. It’s not your fault either...and thanks.”

“For what?” 

“For not letting me die.”

What do you think I would have ended up if I had let you die? I thought to myself and said, “Don’t mention it.”

I closed my eyes. My head feels a little better. I should rest, I’m home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[I started to write it last month. But, then I was lost. Maybe I still am. Anyway, I felt that it should be ended. So, here it is. It may seem out-of-character. I don’t know. You tell me if you read. It’s not that good and maybe not even original. I’m sorry for the mistakes.]

#Sam Winchester #dean winchester #sam and dean #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #brothers till the end

[flockofdoves]

literally so grateful i just found this???? this has been a huge wall in front of me these past few days since realizing how much disordered eating over the past few months has affected me, having to start entirely reevaluating how i’ve been approaching my relationship with food in the name of not neglecting my chronic illness stuff and how that exact same attitude of trying to make myself better actually just made me fuck up my digestive tract by avoiding certain foods (and food in general bc theres so much its so overwhelming and also now i’m too nauseous and weak to have an appetite!) and by extension make my chronic illness worse. and then now reading about refeeding i was worried because so much refeeding stuff seems to recommend a lot of dairy products and i even before these last few months dairy hasn’t been good for me for over a year (although not just lactose i was thinking it was casein too but also like . lol idk maybe its just another one of the phenomena thats talked about here) and wasn’t sure how to balance that when avoidance of foods i see as triggers for health got me here in the first place and at this point literally anything is gonna be too much for my gut and i gotta tough through that

uhhhh turned into a rant/vent about things unrelated to the article under this

kinda distressing though tbh to think about what IBS even like . Means . lol like it does make sense to see it more as a small part of the bigger picture of all my stuff and how my nerves and shit or w/e are wired as someone labeled in contemporary times as/with autistic/adhd/ocd/schizo/anxiety/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and its comforting to see it more as a symptom of how i can easily get out of wack from there instead of just. eternally always bad (although i was getting okay with that too like i value parts of myself enough i could deal with that being reality without too much mourning beyond how i have no accommodation under capitalism. but still this is better than that even) but its weird finding ways of saying i don’t have to lean into it too much that don’t kinda just trigger me thinking about doctors/peers/etc whove more just saw me as a burden and didn’t care to listen to me before dismissing things as all in my head thus i was exaggerating and not deserving of compassion/care/etc. i know i don’t mean that towards myself but the nuance is a lot to deal with after so recently having that used to hurt me all over again and then in trying to take care of myself actually hurting myself worse. so that adds a weird layer to things i hope i won’t get a complex about lolol but also i guess thats cool i don’t have to beat myself up for not sticking to a fodmap free diet or deciding it wasn’t worth trying to see if i had a gluten intolerance because the food i’d be avoiding would make me more upset than any pain i deal with. like ... whoa.. i wasn’t actually being unreasonable or ridiculous when i thought that or being self destructive?? and i started considering otherwise when i now realize i was already dealing with ED symptom stuff so like . i can tolerate most foods i think at least some of the time??

really curious if i can regain my lactose tolerance considering i only starting being intolerant in the past year so it wasn’t a primary lactose intolerance thing maybe?? and i had some on and off symptoms of my current behaviors that lead to this that whole time so that’d be really cool actually lol i miss just being able to enjoy dairy products (and in retrospect my aversion to even tasting them even with lactaid pills or somethign definitely was liek...... disordered eating stuff lol) 

also curious if my ED stuff had anything to do with my tremors or brain fog getting worse. i defintiely think at least somewhat like yeah. the timeframe makes sense. idk if thats the primary reason for those symptoms because i’ve had them at various points in my life in that combination but the recent upsurge in them and also the fact that most of those days were right after really bad nausea days and also how today i realized i was tremoring a lot in ways i directly associated with feeling weak because of trying to deal with ED related stuff i think that definitely will at least become less constant of a problem in getting over this. those are all symptoms i exhibit in various contexts with various physical and emotional pressures so i don’t think thats their only cause but i think that really does make me so much less worried about why the hell i’ve gotten so much worse so suddenly

scared about how long this will take i feel like i’ve only really had my eating become consistently disordered over the past couple months but idk i’ve had weird episodes for ages and if i really didn’t recognize this was even a problem til right this week idk if i’m thinking back accurately enough. its definitely worse in that period though bc my doctor 2 months ago (also wait... i guess that means its been even longer lol?? no way i lost that all in the couple weeks i really can look back and see my behavior as disordered before that appointment) remarked i lost like 15 pounds since my last visit 3 months ago (they also remarked like that was a good thing lol.) so i guess i’ll keep figuring that out its wild though reading that apparently just getting your stomach back to normal can take at least 2 months like it makes sense but like . jeez. hard to process that i did that and didn’t realize i’d like to think i’ve become so much more in tune with my body these past few years but i guess i’m not doing it the right way even if i’m glad i no longer just stay quiet and tough things out while suffering and dismissing it with no idea whats going on or why and feeling too ashamed and guilty to make it anyone elses problem and not pushing back when others dismiss the slightest thing i bring up. but yeah like i did a lot more than i thought i did with this but also i’m glad i caught it so early i feel almost too weird about saying i have an eating disorder like its like i acknowledged that this week and now i’m trying to recover so. thats good. idk i’ll see i’m sure i have a lot to learn and that kinda sucks i had enough to deal with already without this as a factor but!!!!

#cpost #ed - #disordered eating - #eating disorders - #food text -

[patton-croc-agenda]

Liar Liar

A/N: Some people on Discord mentioned Patton angst and uhhhh I’m here to deliver (I’m not going to leave the first few lines above the cut like I usually do, nor am I tagging my general tag list because it. is. dark.)

Pairings: Platonic LAMP, platonic Paceit

WARNINGS: Suicide attempt, depression, negative thinking, sympathetic Deceit

Words: 1,352

Patton knew two things in that moment.

He was a liar.

He was going to die.

He was obviously much more upset about the first fact than the second, because the second was by his own volition. He looked at the orange bottle in his pale, shaky hands. Just because he wanted this, didn’t make it any less terrifying to his body. It was agony, with his brain and body fighting against what he knew he wanted and what his natural instincts insisted.

Patton swallowed. He could already feel the pills making their way down, and he hadn’t even unscrewed the lid yet. He took a deep breath through his nose, taking a moment to think of how it had gotten this bad.

~~~

He wasn’t sure how it started; maybe it had always been there. The way he felt loneliness like a cavern in his chest. The way he felt like he could- no, had to- give, and give, and give love because his heart had a hole in it and any love he had been given trickled out like sand. He had to give it away before he lost it all.

“You look great, Padre.”

He was lying.

“I do appreciate your efforts, Patton.”

Lying.

“Best friends, right?”

Lying lying lying.

How could they even stand to be around him? He often found himself standing in front of his mirror in the mornings, picking out the little things about himself he most despised. He was disgusting, he was worthless. He had too many blemishes.

Other times he would lay in bed and just whisper to himself. Hateful words about how terrible he looked, how he acted. His personality was horrible, no one liked him. The others only tolerated him because they had to. If he were gone, Thomas would have no morality. So he pasted on his smile and walked out of his rooms on those days. The bad days.

Because they started as just that, bad days. He had even admitted having them in a video. He guessed it was a good thing he never elaborated on how bad they were, or his friends would be even more concerned.

Would they, though?

It didn’t matter though, because eventually those bad days slipped into bad weeks, then bad months.

Liar liar liar.

He craved close friendships, needed them like air. Needed to feel touch, needed to be told he was doing things right. He got it sometimes. A hug from Roman, a nod from Virgil, and twitch of a smile from Logan.

Not enough.

“Patton, I thought you agreed to vacuum today,” Logan said, frustrated. Patton slapped on a fake, apologetic smile.

“Sorry, Lo, I’ll do that now,” he scurried off, guilt ripping into his guts and twisting them, making him feel sick. It didn’t matter that the reason he hadn’t done it was because the world weighed on him, crushing him into his mattress. It didn’t matter that the most movement he could manage was blinking the tears from his eyes.

Should have done it anyway.

“Hey, Pat, where were you for movie night last night? It was your turn to pick,” Roman leaned against a wall. Panic fluttered in Patton’s lungs. He was glad Virgil wasn’t there, he would feel it. He’d ask what was wrong.

“Oh, I was just real tired,” Patton laughed, “Stayed up too late the night before, you know?”

Patton had gone to bed at seven the night before, but no matter how much he slept the tiredness in his bones refused to budge. He slept more. He forgot what day it was. As much as his brain screamed for company, his body felt like lead when he tried to socialize.

I can’t do this anymore.

Deceit knew. His only solace was in lies, and the person that came with them. Deceit never asked, he just knew. At first, he had simply walked in and curled up close to Patton. He said nothing, but provided the comfort of touch. It wasn’t enough, but it was something.

You can do it.

One day, Deceit showed him how he knew. A little bag, full of flat discs, each about twice the size of a quarter. They were all navy, purple, red, and sky blue. Deceit carefully counted each one.

2 purple

5 red

7 navy

20 blue

“I empty the bag once a week,” Deceit informed. Patton’s smile curled down. He didn’t like where this was going. “Do you remember this?” he handed Patton the top blue disc.

I wanted to die.

Ice in Patton’s veins spread. He had been talking to Virgil, who had asked why Patton had been crying. He had heard him when walking past his room. Patton had thought quickly, picking his phone up from the nightstand. He had left it there after watching cat videos the night before.

“Aw, sorry to worry you kiddo, I was just watching some of those soldiers coming home to their dogs videos,” he laughed. He lied.

He wanted to die.

“Please don’t,” Deceit’s voice was quiet, sincere. “Don’t. You’re the only one who even cares that I’m here.”

“Okay. I won’t,” Patton whispered. He reached his arms around Deceit, pulling him into a hug. Deceit shuddered and curled against him, desperate.

Patton slid his hand into the bag behind his back, pulling out the new disc.

Not yet.

~~~

It had been about a month since he had last talked to Deceit. He hadn’t come into Patton’s room, not that Patton blamed him. Patton was awful, disgusting, loud. Patton didn’t try hard enough. Patton was a liar.

Someone knocked on the door.

Patton fumbled with the bottle. No. No, no, no, no. He could hardly grasp the lid as the knocking grew more frantic. Turned to banging.

Virgil was screaming his name.

Patton finally managed to get the lid off as the door broke down, Roman standing in its place.

Pills clattered against the title.

“NO! Shit,” Patton sobbed, knees buckling. He felt arms around his middle, someone pulling him close.

It was over.

Patton was going to live another day.

“Patton, Patton, Patton, Patton,” the person holding him was shaking. Their voice was broken. It didn’t sound like him at all. He was above all these feelings.

Patton sobbed, torn between clutching Logan’s shirt and never letting go, or pushing him away and never looking at him again. So he simply sat, tears streaking down his face.

How did you know?

“Wasn’t me,” a soft voice. Deceit lingered in the door, looking conflicted. Patton didn’t notice he’d spoken aloud.

“Why cou-cou-couldn’t yo-you let me-me-d-die,” Patton wailed, voice broken. Logan held him even tighter. Virgil looked paler then normal as he sunk to his knees.

“Pat, oh my God, Pat. Why didn’t you tell us?” he looked guilty. Patton didn’t want him to feel guilty. It wasn’t Patton’s fault he was awful.

“You aren’t awful, Patton,” Roman murmured. Patton had been thinking out loud again. Logan hadn’t stopped whispering his name under his breath, and he moved one of his hands to cradle the back of Patton’s head, as if trying to reassure himself Patton was still there.

He doesn’t really care.

“I’m s-s-sorry,” Patton sniffled, finally wrapping his arms around Logan. Deceit crouched down next to him and blew out a soft breath. His eyes were puffy from tears.

“They totally believed me right away. They came before I started crying,” he seemed bitter, but not towards Patton.

“How did you know,” Patton whispered. Deceit blinked and reached behind his back, pulling out a disc.

Not yet.

“You didn’t leave this on your bed.”

Patton was an idiot. He hung his head in shame.

“Patton…please don’t leave us. Don’t leave me,” Logan finally said. Patton tightened his grip, swallowing.

He still wanted to die, but now he knew he couldn’t. Not when he was the only one Deceit could call a friend, not when Virgil still hated himself, not when Roman still needed someone to sing with him, not when Logan was begging him to stay.

“Okay,” he whispered.

No new discs appeared in Deceit’s bag.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #sanders sides fic #sanders sides angst #patton sanders #tw: suicide attempt #tw: depression #tw: negative thoughts #my writing #Jack writes

[redditnosleep]

The Dark Mansion: A Text Based Horror Game

by TaraDevlin

About a week ago my friend went missing. The day after I received an email from him. Inside was a link and a single line of text.

“You need to try this out.”

The link led me to a web site with a download for a text based horror game called “The Dark Mansion.” There were a few screenshots of the game; old school pixel art of a creepy looking house, some guys wearing hoods with no faces, and a woman tied to a table.

“Save the girl or save yourself? You decide in this exciting text based horror! Escape from the mansion before the monks find you. But be careful, three times and it’s game over… permanently. Are you smart enough to escape the mansion? Download ‘The Dark Mansion’ for FREE now.”

I clicked the link and installed the game. Old school midi music blared as I opened the file. I turned the volume off, waiting for one of the neighbours to start banging on the walls for waking them up so late.

‘Press ENTER to play’ flashed at the bottom of the screen. Why did Teddy send me this? Did he schedule the email to send before he went missing? Was there a clue to be found somewhere in the game?

I pressed enter.

‘You see a large mansion before you. It’s old. Dark. Scary. Will you go in?’

Yes.

‘You enter the mansion. The door creaks but the entrance is empty. There are stairs ahead of you and a door to the left and right. Where will you go?’

I picked randomly. Left door.

‘You are crushed to death by a falling anvil. Will you play again?’

A pixelated blood splatter appeared in what appeared to be the mansion’s study. A desk sat in the middle of the room with a large bookshelf behind it. There was a painting of the hooded monks on the far left wall and beneath it a pedestal with a human skull sitting on top. Well that was one death down. Two to go.

Yes. I typed.

I was in front of the mansion again.

‘You see a large mansion before you once more. It’s old. Dark. Scary. Will you go in?’

Yes.

‘You enter the mansion. The door creaks but the entrance is still empty. There are stairs ahead of you and a door to the left and right. Where will you go?’

Well I knew which way I wasn’t going to go this time. Stairs.

‘You go upstairs. There is a red door, a blue door, and a yellow door. Which door will you go through?’

I wondered if sudden death was waiting behind any of these particular doors. The website flashed through my mind, ‘die three times and it’s game over, permanently.’ Would the game stop working after that? I’d already died once, that meant I had two attempts left. Two attempts and three doors.

Yellow.

Red seemed like it would just lead to more death, and besides, I liked yellow more than blue.

Lightning flashed outside, startling me in my chair. The wind picked up and rain began to fall. Just five minutes ago the sky was clear, not a single cloud in sight…

‘Lightning flashes and you see a hooded figure in the distance. It’s coming for you. What will you do?’

Lightning continued to flash through the window in the game. Like it said, one of the hooded figures was standing on the mountain visible through the window in the distance. It was kinda creepy. It was also the first time I was given a little freedom in what to do next, however.

Open desk.

‘There’s nothing inside.’

Use phone.

‘The phone doesn’t work.’

Shoot hooded figure.

‘You don’t have a gun.’

Get gun.

‘There is no gun.’

I sighed. The room appeared to be a dead end. I drew closer to the monitor and tried to find something, anything I might be able to do in the room. Nothing I typed worked. I sat back in my chair and began to type again when I noticed it. The hooded figure… it was closer. It wasn’t just a flashing gif background. The figure was actually getting closer.

“Crap.” Leave room.

‘You leave the room. There is a red door, a blue door, and a yellow door. Which door will you go through?’

Blue

‘You are in a hallway. There are doors marked 1-13. Which will you choose?’

It was a dark hallway leading into the distance. The doors got smaller but I could see numbers on the closest ones. 1, 2, 3, 4, opposing each other at short intervals.

The rain picked up outside my study window when suddenly I heard a scream. That wasn’t from the game; it sounded like it came from outside. I got out of the chair and ran to the window but it was pitch black. I couldn’t see anything. Lightning flashed and briefly lit up the street below. There was nothing there.

Maybe it really was from the game?

I went back to the computer.

‘You hear a woman’s screams. There are doors marked 1-13. Which will you choose?’

Okay, I thought. They probably wouldn’t expect anyone to pick 13 off the bat, so I typed in 13.

There it was again. It sounded even closer than before. I looked down at the speakers and then I remembered… I turned the speakers off.

It wasn’t the game.

I sat and waited, listening closely. The room was dark minus the light coming off the monitor. Rain beat harder against the window outside.

All was silent but for the water hitting the glass.

I turned back to the computer.

‘You see blood on the walls and hear a woman’s screams coming from directly beneath you. What will you do?’

A dark sense of foreboding washed over me. The room itself was bare, four wooden walls and a wooden floor, all splattered in pixel blood. A single window took up about half of the opposite wall. This time there was a forest in the distance.

Lightning flashed. The hooded figure was right there in there window.

I screamed.

Leave room.

‘The door is locked.’

Of course it was.

Hide.

‘There’s nowhere to hide.’

Of course not.

There was a tapping at my window. I jumped again. How could there be a tapping at my window? I lived on the fourth floor… It had to be the wind. Or a tree branch. So why was I so scared to go and look?

The text on the screen began to change.

‘The window breaks. The hooded figure enters the room. It approaches you slowly. What will you do?’

There was a time limit to do things in the game? It never said the story would keep moving if I didn’t do anything.

“Uhhhh…” Punch hooded figure. I didn’t know what else to do. It was a bare room with nothing of apparent use in it.

‘You punch the hooded figure but he stabs you in the throat. You are dead. Will you try again?’

I sighed. I was rapidly losing interest in the game but I had one more attempt left. Might as well use it.

Yes.

‘You see the large mansion before you that haunts your dreams. It’s old. Dark. Scary. A figure peers at you from the window. Will you go in?’

Well that was new. Also kinda creepy. There was a hooded figure looking out one of the windows on the third floor. As lightning flashed I thought I saw one closing in from the mountains as well. The same one from my first attempt. I needed to get inside.

Yes.

I avoided the door on the left, went straight through the blue door and stood in the hallway debating which door to go through next. 13 turned out to be a dead end, but that still left 1-12. Simply too many numbers to choose at random and hope to get lucky.

It said the woman’s screams came directly from underneath room 13. Maybe door 11 had a way down and under? But what if it didn’t? What if it was some random door and I only had once chance to get it right before it was game over. Permanently.

‘You hear footsteps.’

The text scrolled across the screen. The hooded figures were closing in already? It was too soon!

I got ready to type in ‘11’ when I stopped myself. No, the red door. It had to be the red door. I thought the same thing about unlucky 13 being the right door and that didn’t end up so well but this time it had to be. I knew it was the red door.

Leave room.

‘There is a red door, a blue door, and a yellow door. Which door will you go through?’

Red

‘You are in a bathroom. What will you do?’

There had to be a secret entrance hidden somewhere in the room. I needed to find it before the hooded figures found me.

Check bathtub.

‘There’s nothing special.’

Check cabinet.

‘There’s some unmarked pills and a toothbrush.’

Probably best to leave the unmarked pills alone. There was nothing else in the room, which meant…

Check toilet.

‘You put your hand in the toilet. There’s something there. Will you pull it?’

Ugh. Yes.

‘You pull and hear a click. A single tile raises in the middle of the room. What will you do?’

Did I really have much choice?

Press tile.

‘You press the tile. A section of the wall opens. Will you go through?’

Yes.

I heard it again. This time much louder and clearer. It was downstairs. A woman downstairs was screaming.

‘You enter a secret room. The screams are getting louder. You hear footsteps getting closer. There are two doors? Which will you go through?’

The text flashed at me on the screen as a storm raged outside. I waited and listened. No more screams. Nothing but the sound of heavy rain and strong winds.

No. Not just rain and wind. There it was. It was faint but it was there. Footsteps. Large, heavy boots like steelcaps hitting the concrete. There was a knock on the door several apartments away. I glanced at the clock. 1am. Who was knocking on doors at this hour?

‘You hear knocking nearby. Which door will you go through?’

The game text changed once more. It was starting to become more than just a coincidence. My heart began to race. When it said perma-death it couldn’t mean… could it?

Left.

My heart jumped into my throat as I realised the last time I typed left I immediately died.

‘You enter a laboratory. It seems an experiment was conducted here recently. Blood stains the operating table. What will you do?’

Outside was quiet. Did they answer the door? Maybe it was just a friend or family member coming home late who forget their key.

Check desk.

‘There’s a report. Will you read the report?’

Yes.

‘Report: October 1, 2017. Subject complained of pain in stomach. Stomach was removed. Complaints ceased. New subject required.

Report: October 2, 2017 New guest arrived today. Intelligence sub-par but will suffice. Brain was removed. Transplant to new host to commence shortly.

Report: October 3, 2017 Transplant a success.

Report: October 6, 2017 Subject complained of pain in lower limbs. Limbs will be removed. Further study required.’

I stared at the computer screen. I didn’t want to play anymore. I had no idea what was going on but it was creeping me out and nothing was making sense.

Clank. Clank. Clank.

The footsteps outside were getting closer. They were slow, methodical. Another knock on the door. It was perhaps two or three doors down this time.

“What do you…” I didn’t hear the end of the sentence. I swallowed and turned back to the computer, my heart beating faster and faster.

‘The footsteps are getting closer. You must make a choice. Will you find the girl or will you escape?’

Escape.

I typed it without thinking. I just wanted it to end.

‘You must find the exit.’

Leave room.

‘The door is locked.’

Of course it was. There was a single door ahead.

Open door.

‘You open the door. There’s a hallway with a single door at the end. There are two windows. What will you do?’

If I tried to jump out the window the character would probably die, he was on the second floor after all. Lightning flashed through the windows and my heart stopped. There was a forest of pixel trees just outside, but lining the forest were countless hooded figures all just standing there. Watching. Waiting. With each flash of lightning they seemed to grow in number.

Open door.

‘You’re not close enough.’

Run to door.

‘You run to the door. A woman screams from a nearby room.’

Several of the hooded figures were getting closer. Others remained behind, as if on watch.

Open door.

‘You enter a greenhouse. Its dark with no lights. What will you do?’

Turn on light.

‘Cannot find switch.’

Light match.

‘You don’t have a match.’

Walk forward.

‘You can’t see.’

I tapped my foot furiously as I racked my brain trying to think of commands. Like clockwork the in-game lightning continued to flash on the monitor. The entire wall of the greenhouse was glass with the forest in the background. Each time it flashed several of the hooded figures were closer than before.

Then it hit me.

I typed in walk forward and waited. As the lightning flashed in-game I pressed enter.

‘You walk forward. A row of shelves blocks your path.’

I typed in turn left and walk forward, waited, and then pressed enter as the game flashed again. The hooded figures were almost right by the glass wall. My heart raced.

There was another knock outside. This time it was next door.

There was a door just ahead. I could reach it with the next flash. I typed in run to door and waited.

And waited.

The screen remained dark. White text began to scroll.

‘Are you sure you want to leave the woman behind?’

Yes.

‘Are you really sure? This action cannot be undone.’

Yes.

Lightning flashed. The hooded figures were right outside the glass wall.

There was a knock at my front door.

Run to door.

I pressed enter. The screen went black. I waited. The wind and rain raged outside. I strained, my heart sitting in my throat as I waited for another knock.

None came.

‘As you run from the mansion you hear screams in the distance. The hooded figures watch but don’t follow. They have their sacrifice for tonight, but you have escaped.’

The screen faded to black before ‘CONGRATULATIONS’ began to flash in large letters and a variety of colours. There were no further knocks at the door.

I turned the computer off and got into bed. I lay there listening to the sounds of the storm until daybreak.

As I left my apartment the next morning I saw police cars surrounding the building entrance. Apparently a woman was found dead. Her legs were cut off and had yet to be found.

#creepy #horror story #author: TaraDevlin

[summerrrluvvv]

Chapter 9: Part 1

Day 8 in Miami: 

Tye:

I turned over in my bed feeling for Samar, but he was not there. “Uhhhh” I groaned. I looked at my phone to angry messages from Samar.

I palmed my face. I got up and started getting ready to go pull up on this crazy ass best friend of mine. I walked out my room and went downstairs. Zion was sitting at the bar reading a magazine and sipping some wine. I looked at my phone it was 2:37 p.m. “You are drinking early, and You still read those?” I said. She sighed. “Well I need a break from wanting to text Kyrell and I needed this drink”. I sat on the bar stool next to her, “What happened last night? I saw you with Kyrel one minute and the next minute you were gone” I asked. She closed the magazine and looked at me to tell me the story. “Well I got drunk and high and my dumb ass picked the wrong time to tell Kyrel we should just be friends, he got mad and left me at the party, so this nigga I met at the party took me home” She said. “You need to text him and make shit right Z” I told her. She shrugged her shoulders, “I really hurt his feeling Tye, he was pissed” She said. “So, text that man, you got time before we leave. You see Ari or Mel?” I asked. She nodded. “They upstairs sleep, Ari got in this morning, and Mel was here when I got home last night” She said. “Last night was crazy for me”. I stressed. “Hey” Ari said as her and Mel walked into the kitchen. “Well now that we all here what the fuck happened to yall last night?” Ari asked. Mel grabbed the liquor at the top of the fridge and took a shot, then grabbed a seat at the table near the bar, since the bar only had two seats, “Well a tiny dick man tried to rape me” I told them. “What?!” They all said. I shook my head. “I know it sounds crazy, but it happened, we were going to fuck no lie but when he dropped the draws nothing was there at all like just a little Vienna sausage. Then he got mad and was like Nah you going to give me some and then Samar busted into the room and told him to leave with his gun, now he mad at me” I rolled my eyes annoyed cause I would have to deal with this nigga soon. Mel was trying not to laugh, “I’m sorry that happened to you Tye, but what could he possibly do”. I shrugged “He was going to do something; he could have an extra piece in his pocket” I said trying to be serious. “Tye, maybe it wasn’t hard yet” Ari said. I looked at her crazy. “Bitch, it was hard, and it look like he put his pinky finger through his jeans” I said getting annoyed. Zion was also trying not to laugh. “Okay I see this is a joke to yall but I was scared this man would have killed me to get it in” I grabbed a shot glass and angrily poured me some liquor. “I’m sorry Tye” Zion said. She got up and hugged me. “Me too” Ari said coming to hug me too, and Mel followed. “Yall get off of me” I playfully said. “Now what happened to  you Ari?, I ain’t see you after Anthony came and got you” Zion said. She groaned “Did anybody pop them pills they gave us at the door?” She asked. Mel raised her hand. “I did” She said. I had to think if I did. “Nah I got one but left it on the kitchen counter” I said. Zion was trying to remember. “Yeah I don’t remember no pills” Ari palmed her face, “Well Anthony and I popped them and then we started feeling frisky, like frisky but you know we ate the edibles and them we was drinking and shit, but we went upstairs and I was like a savage sex demon, and we had sex in like this office or something cause all the rooms were occupied it was like an orgy everywhere but anyways it was bomb as fuck” She said happily. My eyes got big wanting her to rewind back to the orgy part. “Wait orgy?” I asked. She nodded. “Yeah bitches were fucking in rooms it was hell of people getting they freak on, on both levels” She said. Damn it, I should have taken the pill and then made Samar take one I thought to my crazy self. “But that is not all, so then we came back downstairs still Lit, then Marlon dumb ass showed up with Shantelle fucking wilding. Marlon started to fight Anthony then I had to fight Shantelle for getting in my face. We got kicked out then ate food then had sex some more at Anthony’s” She said. “Hold up, so you was fucking saw some orgies then got into a fight with your boo thang then fucked and ate some good food? sounds like a good night for you Ari” Mel laughed. I nodded. “No for real it’s not a lituation if Ari isn’t snapping or popping off” Zion said. I nodded in agreement, Ariana will either yell at somebody or fight somebody it is not a good night if she didn’t do it.. “What happened with you and Z?” Ari asked Mel. “Um Isaac and I had sex in the bathroom at the party, I had took the pill too so I know the feeling, but then Malachi showed up and my dumb ass tried to leave with him so Isaac wouldn’t see him and we got into into then Malachi asked me on a date but I told him I had a lot going on and I let him know and then I went to Isaac Airbnb to explain but he just kept accusing me of fucking Malachi and so we kind of just called it quits” She said looking sad. “Mel just go on the date with Malachi then since Isaac tripping like I aint see him leaving with some bitch” I told her. She looked at me shook. “For real?” She asked. I nodded. “Some thot ass hoe” I told her. She rolled her eyes. “Fuck him” Z said. Ari nodded. “Yeah you weren’t thinking about him when we got here in the first place Mel” I nodded agreeing with her. “That’s true”. “Mel don’t worry, my dumb ass told Kyrel we should be friends now he won’t talk to me”. Mel looked at her with a stank face “Why the fuck would you do that?” She asked. “She got scared” I said getting up ready to leave. “Z you need to text that man, Mel go on your date, Ari keep doing you boo. I got to go see Samar, so I am going to take one of the jeep’s” I said grabbing the keys. I texted Samar letting him know I was on the way.

I pulled up to his Airbnb and parked in the driveway. I grabbed my shit and went to the door and knocked. The door swung open. “Get in here nigga” He said. I rolled my eyes. I walked in and went to his living room he slammed the door. “Bro if you pull I another stunt like you did last night, so help me Tye I will go off on your ass, you are too old to be leaving with complete strangers. That is some hoe shit, and you aint no hoe, what if he killed you huh? Then what my nigga? You got to think bro like use your brain” He stressed. “First of all, Samar you never cared about me and strangers any other time but all of sudden you tripping, look I get it was a bad situation last night but don’t be slut shaming me. I’m a grown ass woman this is my motherfucking body and I can do who and whatever I want just like you, but I don’t try to control You!” I snapped. He came up to me mad. “I didn’t give a fuck before because I didn’t care who you fucked but now I do care and I need you to not fuck any nigga you meet Tye, and yes I’m saying that’s hoe behavior” He said to me. I got up ready to go. “You care now because why?!, why do you care now Samar? You jealous?!” I yelled. He stood looking at me. “Yeah, I am jealous, maybe I don’t like the thought of some rando fucking you, cause you like my sister” He said. I palmed my face. “Your jealous because I’m like your sister make it make sense Samar. Admit that you are attracted to me, and ever since we fucked you cannot stop thinking about me, because things have changed between us”. He sat down on the couch sighing. “What you want me to say Tye? Yes, I feel some things aight but why does that matter”. I braced myself for what I was going to say but I am tired of holding it in. “Samar, I’m in love with you okay. I been in love with you since high school and the night we had sex meant a lot to me even if it was fucking in the kitchen these niggas don’t mean shit to me they just try to replace how I feel, and it hurts when you say you see me as a sister ” I told him. We stood there looking at each other. “I don’t know what to say Tye, I been had these feelings for you too, but I just reminded myself you like my sister and us being best friends is amazing. Like we kick it we can be ourselves and everything but that couple shit complicate things like what if I lose you?” He just kept looking at me. I was feeling a lot of emotions. “So, you are in love with me too?” I asked. He shrugged “Shit I might be so what, fuck it we not going further than this. My feelings will eventually go away” He said. I laughed in disbelief because I finally hear what I want but this nigga cannot commit. “Wow okay Samar well have fun with that, but don’t tell me what to do cause you’re not my man, and you don’t want to be so I can fuck anybody” I said grabbing my keys. I got to the front door when he put his hand on the door. “Samar get the fuck out my way!” I yelled. I turned to look at him and he shook his head. “You not leaving”. I pushed him out the way and he pushed me back almost causing me to fall. He got in front of the door and folded his arms. I just looked at him cause at this point we was about to fight for real. “Move” I said. He looked at me shaking his head. “Nah”. I tried to move him away from the door. He grabbed my arms and backed me up into the wall. Our breathing was intense. He then started kissing me, my lips moved with his. He moved me from the wall and into the nearest room. We fell unto the bed still kissing, “Mmmm” I moaned into the kiss. He got up to take off his shirt, and I started taking off my clothes. Once we were both naked, he started kissing my lips then down to my neck, I did not even want all the sensual shit, baby I was on Go! My thoughts were then interrupted by the sound of his doorbell. Samar got up and looked at me. He put on his pants and his shirt and left the room. “Hey baby” I heard from a female voice. I got up and put on my clothes and fixed my hair. I went into the living room and seen it was a familiar female. Diamond, Samar’s ex-girlfriend.  I rolled my eyes at the sight of her. She ran over to me and hugged me. “Tye, hey girl how have you been?” She asked me. I forced a smile. “Hey” I simply said annoyed as fuck. “What you are doing here Diamond?” I asked confused because they ended on bad terms. “I called Sami last week, and we talked about seeing each other since I was coming down here to DJ for Lit and Wild, so He said I could stay with him and we can catch up” She said hugging all over Samar. Samar looked at me, as I burned a hole in his face with my eyes. “That’s great, well I’ll be going” I said pissed off at this point. “Yo, Tye let me walk you out” He said. I shook my head “Nah, I’m good” I told him, but he followed me out anyways. “Tye, I’m sorry” He said. He grabbed my door before I could close it. I laughed a little thinking he be sorry about inviting Diamond to stay with him. “Of course you are, let me guess it was a mistake and it shouldn’t have happened because I’m like your sister, that’s cool I’m just find me a distraction, while you fuck Diamond” I said. He smirked; I know I struck a nerve. “Yeah, I’m glad you understand” He said slamming my car door. I got out my seat belt so fast and opened the car door. “Fuck you” I said to him. He just closed his house door on me. I got into my car and sped off. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I pulled over into a parking lot and just started bawling. I calmed down after 30 minutes and went to the liquor store because I was going to get fucked up.  

When I pulled up to the house, I seen Mel walking out and an Aston Martin pull up. So, I knew she was going on a date with Malachi. I got out of the car as she was locking the door. “Oh, hey Tye, I’ll be back. Ari and Zion are gone” She told me. I nodded “Okay girl” I said as she went to get in his car. I slick was happy cause I just wanted to get drunk and cry myself to sleep. I turned on the speakers to the house and connected my phone and pressed shuffle. “I’m selfish, I want you all to myself, I swear you don’t need nobody I swear, I want you all to myself because I’m selfish” PNB Rock played.  “How Ironic” I said as I chugged the Dusse’. I normally needed a chaser but fuck it. After 30 minutes, I started to fix me a sandwich because I was feeling the liquor hard. I’m a motherfuckin' train wreck, I don't wanna be too much. But I don't wanna miss your touch. And you don't seem to give a fuck. I don't wanna keep you waiting. But I do just what I have to do” I sang along to “Boyfriend” By Ariana Grande and Social house. “You ain't my boyfriend, And I ain't your girlfriend, But you don't want me to see nobody else, And I don't want you to see nobody”. I jumped at the doorbell ringing. I went to the door drunk, I answered the door, seeing Samar. He was looking high as fuck and holding up a bottle of Henny and a bag of food. “Eww nigga what you want?” I asked. He rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him. “You know you belong right here inside my arms, ooh la la la la la” Tinashe played. “The fuck you doing nigga? Partying without me?” He asked. I held up the Dusse. “Yep, where Diamond?” I asked chugging more of the Dusse. “That’s what we are doing?” He asked. He opened the Henny and started chugging it, like we were in a competition. I grabbed the bag from him to see what it was. I smiled to see he had got me Honey Garlic Wings and tater tots. “For me nigga?” I asked. He smirked and nodded. “I’m sorry about D” He said. He lit a blunt and handed it to me. I smoked and started eating the wings because I had not eaten all day. We smoked and talked and cracked jokes, after awhile my home girl downstairs started to wake up. I was trying to keep it together, but I was about to pounce. “Grab all that shit and come upstairs, I’m sleepy” I lied. He grabbed the liquor and the weed and followed me upstairs. I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth because I just ate, and I then got into the shower to wash up. As I was about to get out, I was then startled by Samar coming into the bathroom and opening up the glass shower door and getting into the shower with me. “Um?” I said looking at him. He once again intensely backed me into the shower wall and started kissing me and grabbing my face. I pulled him towards me as he kissed me with so much passion. He then turned off the water and grabbed my hand and led me into the bedroom. I was soaking wet literally I was concerned about getting my bed wet, but he was taking the thought from my mind when he laid me on the bed and continued kissing me like he was earlier from lips down to my chin, till he got to my neck making me hot with anticipation. He then made his way down to my breast and kissed all over each one, his kisses trailed to my stomach down to my pelvic area, he then kissed my thighs and looked at me with so much lust, I let out soft moans and he kissed each thigh slowly not taking his eyes off of me. I bit my lip not being able to take it anymore, I pulled him up to me, and he still did not drop his gaze as he looked felt for the hole, “This it” He said feeling on the wrong hole, I looked at him sideways “No nigga!” I snapped. He smirked at me as he put his dick in slowly, I don’t know why it felt like I was a virgin or like I never had sex with him before but his slow strokes were taking my breath away. We kept eye contact with each other, He kissed my forehead and then down to my lips. This was not fucking; this was love making. “Fire & Desire” by Drake was softly blasting through the house speakers. “But you get real on the pill and I like it, you just like my side kick, I just want to wife and fulfill and your desires, keep you in the front and never in the back and never on the side” Drake sang as Samar strokes intensified. “Tell me you love me” Samar softly said to me as he kissed on my ear, I almost melted into the damn bed feeling every inch of him, I pulled him closer to me. I was trying hard not to moan so loud cause soon the girls would be back but honestly; I did not care. “Tell me” He said again. “I fucking love you”. I told him, he kissed me with so much force, I was confused but turned on and if I was dreaming bitch I did not want to wake up. He started putting his all into every stroke “Samar” I moaned out. Drake faded out and H.E.R “Could’ve Been” started playing. He then got up and singled me to get on top of him, “We could’ve been and we tried to pretend, Every now and again, we don’t dream about don’t think about what we could’ve been” the song played. As I rode him, my eyes were closing as I was almost about to cum all over this man, he softly caressed my breast then up to my neck, he rubbed my face. “Look at me” He demanded sounded sexy as hell. I looked at him as he turned me back over and started going ham on top of me, I can tell by his face he was soon about to cum, and so was I. I let out a moan as I was cumming and He quickly pulled out. “Sorry” He said. This man came all over my sheets. Afterwards we cleaned up and smoked. We did not even talk I knew not to say anything to ruin the moment. 

Part 1 Continued>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[junkyardlynx]

My experience with sepsis, also known as “god please no”

So as I’ve said a few times in passing, I got to 1v1 sepsis about four years ago now. I’ve never really written out the experience, but the entire two months of my life surrounding that period is a hell scarred into my brain. So. Hey. That’s a fun story, right? Right? A brief primer on sepsis is basically uhhhh, “your body is trying to fight an infection, but it did it wrong and now all those chemicals it just released are running rampant inside of you.” The real bad part is when you go into septic shock, which is where your body just can’t hold it together and your blood pressure plummets. That’s where I ended up. 

Long read, so I’m gonna put it under a read more. It’s also...somewhat graphic. A big part of why I’m finally typing this all out is because I want you guys to know why I’m so fucking scared of COVID-19. I don’t e-beg lightly, you know? I don’t think I do, at least. Anyway.

So, how did I get it? Glad you asked. Never help your friends move. Okay, that’s disingenuous. If you help your friends move and you cut yourself, god, please clean that shit. It was January and I was helping my best friend move into his new place. We were moving his shitty old couch in when I managed to tag my inner thigh on a nail sticking out of the bottom. I swore, we laughed it off, I splotched the blood off afterwards and threw out those jeans, end of story. Right? Wrong.

I hadn’t washed it until I went home and took a shower and I guess the damage was done by that point. It was stupid and careless of me, but I’d cut myself a thousand times before on dumber shit and didn’t think anything of it. About a week later, I was in crippling pain all over my lower body. The worst pain in my life (up until that point; More on that later!) and I had a massive fever. I took a week off work, not really connecting the dots until I was crying in the shower trying to bathe myself and I felt a really hard...plateau? underneath my thigh meat. I’d noticed the area was really black and blue, but thinking was hard with a 102 fever. When I touched it, I screamed for dear fucking life, and I realized it was all centered around that cut I’d suffered. 

I’d gotten myself a massive abscess, and in the two weeks I’d let it fester, it became necrotic. You might say to yourself, “Spence, how did you not notice before hand?” and that’s a valid question. Here’s some more background. I’ve been through a decent amount in my life and am no stranger to pain. I am also...quite poor. Always have been. So when I notice my body hurts and I have a fever boiling my brain, bad enough to keep me from going to work for once? My last thought is going to the doctor. It’s “I’m already out of work for a week, and I can’t afford anything else.”

Yeah, that didn’t last so long. It got to the point where I couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, couldn’t move. I spent two days curled up on my couch, barely sentient until I called my best friend and begged him to drive me to the hospital. He did. I was a shivering, shaking mess and I vomited outside of his car more than once on the 15 minute drive. Kinda owed me for helping him move houses, I guess. 

When I made it to the emergency room, they immediately tried to give me IV fluids. I was so fucking dehydrated that they had to stick a needle in my shoulder because the veins in my arms and hands kept collapsing. I passed out a few minutes after, assuming it’d be a matter of getting some fluids in me and some OTC antibiotics. 

So began my nightmare and recovery. 

I woke up in a hospital room, with two doctors and three nurses crowding the room. Now, I’m not a scientist or a medical professional, but that’s generally a bad sign. One doctor is usually a bad sign. They began to explain what they thought had happened to me - I had a bacterial infection in my leg, it was real bad, my flesh started to die. What’s more, that bacterial infection had spread into my bloodstream. Bacteremia! Three cheers for being just on the cusp of septic shock. I was enjoying a little major organ failure, as a treat. 

I was scheduled for a surgery the next day to remove the necrotic tissue. You have to remove necrotic tissue, as it doesn’t tell the cells next to it that it’s died, so it kinda...does a whole chain reaction thing. That’s bad, if wanna keep living. So I went in for surgery. I wasn’t going to say no. I wanted to live.

I came out and the first thing they asked was “are you feeling okay?” and when I nodded in the affirmative, they gave me the bad news.I needed more surgery. It had spread from my right thigh up around my asscheek. 

It ended up being two more rounds of surgery to tunnel all the dead flesh out of me. I couldn’t really lay on my right side or anything due to the massive surgical I’d endured, so I favored my left side heavily. I couldn’t walk or go anywhere, so I spent my time curled up on the shitty hospital bed. Somehow, things only got worse for me because I learned about a very important procedure we had to do. 

Packing the wound.

See, missing a massive chunk of flesh? That’s bad. That’s ripe for more infection and almost guaranteed to heal and scar badly if left alone. So it meant I got to have medicated gauze stuffed into my body’s wounds. I’m not sure how many of you have had fingers jammed into a non-natural orifice, but holy god, that is the most pain I’ve ever endured. 

So I endured it daily for just under two months.

See, they would come by with a syringe of dilaudid to put directly in my PICCline (a long term catheter inserted directly into a large vein, used for anything from blood draws to IV/medication distribution) before they went to pack my wound. Now dilaudid is a magical mixture that does take every ounce of pain away in your body when it’s uh, dumped directly into your heart. Yeah, for about 20 minutes. Thing is, the nurses that would administer the Dilaudid and the nurses that would shove their fingers into my open wound were different people, and they had very different ideas of what 20 minutes was. 

I’d get high as FUCK for 20-30 minutes, then fall back down to earth in the next 30 minutes, just in time for the packing nurse to show up an hour later. You know, when I was feeling pain again. This went on daily for under two months, and I begged the nurses to just find a way to come together as a team and I’d wait as long as I had to for them to both come together. One main “team” of nurses eventually tried, but it didn’t last long. The others just told me to stop being so whiny about it, in slightly nicer terms. I knew they were busy, so I bit my tongue. More than once.

So while I suffered extreme pain on the daily exacerbated by the inefficient drugging/packing schedule, I was also diagnosed with acute kidney failure due to the extremely high levels of creatinine in my piss. Creatinine is basically waste from your muscles that your kidneys are supposed to filter out. Mine weren’t. Thankfully, it was only acute, and not end-stage renal failure. A nephrologist came and added some more pills (including a diuretic) to my diet that already consisted of about 15 pills per day. My kidneys never regained full, 100% function and to this day I have elevated creatinine levels and I’m prone to vomiting and nosebleeds. Fun. 

So for two months I went through this cycle of pain and pills. I went into physical therapy for a bit to learn how to walk again, adjusting to my lack of muscle / tissue on my right side and coping with the pain. I was informed that my immune system was “remarkably weak” and it was surprising that I’d made it this long without any big issues. When I explained my history of strep throat and the like, the doctors didn’t seem surprised. 

Full disclosure, my mother was a drug addict and did everything from coke to heroin, which is why she died when I was 3. I imagine most of my health problems stem from a, uh, cursed birth. 

When I was discharged, I was given a month’s supply of percocets and my doc told me to just ring him when I needed more. He was very understanding. 

I never did, both because of the cost and because I...well, I enjoyed the feeling too much. That wasn’t a path I wanted to walk down. So I didn’t. Both sides of my family suffered with addictive personalities.

I still feel pain in my leg almost daily. I’ve never been the same. I almost died. My health deteriorated greatly, and it’s been a struggle to stay sane and alive and functional. 

So I feel a bit like a coward for not simply getting a job at a grocery store or the like, but...if I catch COVID? When no one around me is being careful and I have the body of a malformed creature born in the depths of Mordor?

I don’t wanna do that again. I’d actually rather die. I can’t suffer that again. If my quality of life dropped any more than it has since I had sepsis? Yeah.

#personal #health problems

[just-one-bite]

Chapter 1.1 Marked

Trystan

Biology class always put me to sleep. Okay, class, in general, puts me to sleep. There was a problem with that. I dream of Jace all the time. Almost every night if I were, to be honest. It's sorta baffling because we spend most of our time together, so I can't imagine why my imagination needed any more time with him, but apparently left to its own devices, it's Jace Blackwell 24/7, on every channel. They weren't all, those kinds of dreams. Mostly they were innocent, everyday dreams, with the occasional quirky thing, like being able to fly. One time, I dreamed we had both been killed. He had tried to save me from a killer and the killer had ripped his throat out and then proceeded to do the same thing to me before I could help Jace. I remember waking with a jerk and calling Jace on the phone, at like 3:00 in the morning, out of breath and frightened. He answered groggily and proceeded to rip me a new one for waking him up. Then, of course, there were those dreams. I don't remember when I first had one and more than once I woke frightened and terrified as well. Not sure why. Because there was nothing terrifying about Jace. He was a big teddy bear really, in that oh-my-god-you're-sexy-as-hell sort of way. Course I had to keep those thoughts to myself. I don't know how he would react, just that I don't think it'd be good. I didn't mind the dreams in which I knew I was dreaming. Like the one where we could fly, my subconscious seemed to tell me. Hey buddy, you're dreaming again. The one where we were killed, that one frightened me and stuck with me. It was so real, so vivid. And those dreams, well I didn't mind them at all. But waking up in the middle of biology with an erection and the image of Jace naked and just beyond my grasp certainly wasn't ideal.

"Mr. Cole?" I looked up at Mr. Garrow. He had an expectant look on his face. Apparently, he had asked me a question and was wanting an answer. "Uhhhh. Two?" A titter of laughter filled the classroom as I rubbed my eyes and discreetly readjusted myself. "Mr. Cole. I realize I'm boring you. But perhaps you can hide it a little better, like the rest of your classmates." "I'm sorry Mr. Garrow. I'll try harder to hide it." I grinned and grabbed my pencil and pretended to copy his scribble off the chalkboard. "Can anyone give me an example of what a genetic trait is. And no," Mr. Garrow looked at me for emphasis, " two is not a trait Mr. Cole." Another round of laughter filled the classroom. I tried to look abashed and pretended to scribble more. A couple of my classmates raised their hands. Mostly, the ones in the front row. Mr. Garrow pointed to Cassie Williams. She was a brain, probably the smartest person in the class. "We are a diploid organism, meaning that we received one set of genes, called alleles, from our father and the other set of alleles from our mother. The combination of these pairs of genes that we've inherited is called our "genotype. The genotype determines the actual traits (called the "phenotype") that we have; such as eye color, nearsightedness, and whether or not we have dimples" Cassie smiled real big and pointed to her dimples. "My dad has them, but my mother doesn't But dimples are a dominant genetic trait so since the phenotype is present, I automatically got them." Half the class was staring at her like she had just spoken Russian or grown a second head. (I wondered if that was a dominant genetic trait.) The other half had their phones, texting, oblivious to Cassie's answer. There might have been one or two scribbling notes. "Thank you, Cassie. That is a wonderful example." Mr. Garrow turned and wrote the words: allele, genotype, phenotype, dominant trait and recessive trait on the chalkboard.   Pens and pencils scribbled quickly. A few actually took quick photos with their phones of the chalkboard then went back to texting. The bell rang and everyone grabbed backpacks and crammed phones in pockets and purses. "Tomorrow I want examples of what external factors may affect your genes." Mr. Garrow grabbed his eraser and went to work erasing everything he'd written during class. Shoving my notebook in my backpack, I looked up and saw her, the girl from the parking lot. She was staring at me from the hallway. As soon as I noticed her she disappeared into the crowded hallway. I ran from my desk and stood in the doorway, blocking anyone from coming in as I searched for her. I didn't see her, but again I could smell Jace. I scratched my head in confusion, glancing up and down the hall. I went back to my desk and grabbed my backpack and noticed a drop of blood on my desk. I reached out tentatively to touch it. "Mr. Cole?" I whipped around. Mr. Garrow stood behind me, his brow quirked questioningly. "Don't you have to get to your next class." I looked back, but didn't see any blood. "uhhhh." I nodded in confusion. "....I mean yes." I slung my backpack over my shoulder and rushed out of the room, looking back over my shoulder. Mr. Garrow stood at my desk, looking down, running a finger across my desktop. The scary thing was watching him bring that finger to his lips and I could see a trace of red. I absently reached up to my neck but felt nothing. History class was next and I plopped down next to Jace. "I'm having a weird day." I looked over but Jace had his phone out, texting. I could tell he had just come from athletics. His hair was still damp from a shower and I could smell the Axe shampoo that he used. I could smell his deodorant. I could smell him. "Huh?" Jace looked up and realized I was there. "Trys?" He was looking at me like he didn't recognize me. "I said, I'm having a weird day. This chick, this morning, out in the parking lot, she came up and kissed me. Like out of the blue. never seen her before, in my life, and the next thing I know, she's got her tongue down my throat. And I think she bit me." I stretched my head revealing my neck to him. "And then I saw her again in the hallway right after biology." I leaned over and whispered conspiratorially. "And..." I looked to my left and then right. "I think Mr. Garrow is a vampire." I was only half joking, but Jace looked at me like I was preaching the gospel from the pulpit. Jace traced a finger along my neck, in the exact spot where I thought she had bitten me. The sensation sent shivers racing through me.  He shook his head and shrugged. "I don't see anything." Jace pulled his hand back slowly. "Yeah, well. There was blood there this morning." I rubbed at the bite, absently. It kinda itched but maybe I was still feeling Jace's touch. "Are you sure you didn't like dream it?" Jace looked at me. He knew I had a tendency to fall asleep during class.

"I didn't dream it! It was like right after you left the car this morning. I got out of the car like right after you and...and there she was. I tried to go around her and she grabbed my hand and the next thing I know, it was like Wrestlemania in my mouth. One! Two! Three! and then she was gone. Like the wind. Kinda freaked me out. Then at the end of biology, she was in the hallway outside the classroom staring at me. I tried to catch her, but she was gone again." I shook my head. "I'm not crazy." Jace was looking at me like I was crazy. "Okay. Okay. You're not crazy. But let's just look at this logically." You have to understand. When Jace says, we have to look at things logically, you know there's something wrong. "First, when's the last time someone came up and kissed you. And you're mom doesn't count." Jace grinned. And if it wasn't for that goofy-assed grin, I probably would have slugged him. "Ha ha." I glared at him. "Second. We were up awfully late last night. You know, with me kicking your ass so bad at World of Warcraft. What's more likely. Some girl, complete stranger, I might add, comes up to you, and even more importantly, not me, and kisses you." I started to respond but he didn't allow me. "Or....Or....maybe, when you were in your economics this morning, the desktop was ever so inviting, ever so sleep-inducing, you know, along with the drone of Ms. Apple, that you might have fallen asleep and dreamed a little dream?" Jace liked being melodramatic at my expense, throwing in a few hand gestures as he nodded his head to his explanation. I could only glare. It made sense. I guess. I could have dreamed it. I did have that tendency. I reached up and felt my neck. I felt nothing. Nothing that proved I had been bitten by this strange girl. And a dream would certainly explain why the only things I could smell was Jace. I felt a blush rise to my cheeks and said a little prayer of gratitude as the bell rang. I sank low in my seat, casting glances over at Jace as he pulled his history book from his backpack. He glanced over at me once, his blue eyes sparkling mischievously.

#

POV: Jace

I think Mr. Garrow is a vampire.

Okay. Let's just get one thing straight, once and for all. Vampires are people too. No no, laugh about it all you want, but it's true. Sure, you've seen the movies, read the books, worn the wax teeth at Halloween, it's all such wonderful make-believe. Till you wake up and it's happening to you. And it isn't exactly the way you think. Oh yeah sure, there is that damned bloodlust. Sometimes it's all I can do not to drag someone into a closet and eat. But vampires have come out of the dark ages and into the 21st century like everyone else. Science has made great strides in remedying the bloodlust. As the pundits say "there's a pill for that."

Okay, and I'll be the first to admit that there are the proverbial bad seeds out there. But that can be said for everyone. And history has shown that we've had our fair share of issues. The black plague, not completely our fault. Just a few vampires took it upon themselves to take advantage of the situation. And you can't blame us for the two wars. Not a single vampire was known to fight on either side of the battles. And okay, yes, the Jamestown colony, might....might be laid at our feet....but all of that ....ancient history. I mean, I wasn't even born then. I'm newborn, so to speak. I wasn't turned by some romantic pale fanged creature of the night. Nope. Born and raised and then along with puberty and body odor and zits, I get a small case of vampirism. It's genetic, as lady gaga would sing. Baby, I was born this way. So before you start getting any ideas, I just wanted to set the record straight.

I looked over at Trys. He kept rubbing at his neck. I had told him nothing was there, but the truth; I could see the mark. Not teeth marks. That was cliche and so middle ages. But a vampire had tried to mark him.

Yeah, so okay, I had lied to Trys. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last. We've known each other since we were three. And contrary to popular belief, best friends lie to each other all the time. Sure the truth comes out, eventually, then you fight, make up and everything is right as rain. That's what best friends do. White lies are a part of the deal. No, those jeans don't make you look fat. No, you can barely see that zit. No, I don't see any vampire ...

What pisses me off though. I already marked Trys as mine. And here comes this bitch, like right behind me who has the audacity to try and mark him again. That shit don't fly. That explains why she came back. And she'll be back again. She didn't know he was marked.

I snuck another peek at Trys. He on the other hand should have felt something when she tried to mark him. I couldn't help but wonder what it was.

#Vampires #Just One Bite #Nicholas Scott #FIction #writing