#and yeah my mom can be really annoying and anxious and neurotic

[tenderanarchist]

Dreamt last night that my parents told us they’re getting a divorce but continuing to coparent until the kiddos are out of the house and it felt so real and reasonable that I didn’t remember otherwise until my dad shushed my mom in the middle of talking and I remembered she still has to deal with his shit

#he’s so rude and condescending to her like do you even love this woman or is she an annoyance to you #and yeah my mom can be really annoying and anxious and neurotic #but that doesn’t mean she gets to be demeaned and pushed away #ugh. not my circus etc etc #I just want them both to be happy

[baby-grayson]

Sweet Enigma| Part 4

Words: 2318

Tags:  @wheezeatmedolans​ @styles-dolan​ @prettyboydolan​ @evergreendolan​ @baby-turtles​ @dolanstacoma​ @kombuchagray​ @not-gbd​ @graysavant​ @someonetogray​ @dolansficsandpics​ @batgirl009 @voguekristens @letsgoget-high​ @crossedbone-kat​

Grayson Dolan wasn’t very proud of how he treated Kate during the summer of 2020. He was insecure, anxious, and unsure of how to properly handle a beautiful creature like her. The only thing he was proud of from that summer was  everything between he and Kate was kept private. Grayson knew the one good thing he did was protect her from the public eye. Even though he was neurotic and immature, he managed to save her heart and her life from being sucked into the celebrity storm. When Grayson thought back to that summer, he felt guilt and regret for not being more of a man when he had the chance, but his emotions were ebbed by his one right thing.

This is why, when Grayson spotted a figure in a black hood sulking on the edge of his tiny home property, he promptly told Kate to pack her backpacks and get ready to leave. When she asked why they were leaving so soon, he responded brusquely that they weren’t safe there anymore. And so, they ditched their car and planned the next step on their journey: leaving a trail of broken hearts, lies, and tension in their wake like some kind of modern Bonnie and Clyde.

Once they mapped out their next destination and decided on an arrival time, Grayson called Ethan.

“You really know how to make an exit Gray,” upon hearing his twin’s brother’s voice, Grayson was struck by the idea that it had been nearly two days since he had been with Ethan: that was nearly a decade in twin time.

Grayson huffed into the phone, “I’m sorry about that E.”

Grayson could hear Ethan shake his head on the other end of the line, “I’ve been taking care of your life since you’ve been gone. The Wakeheart bathbomb project is still on schedule—” “Good-“ Grayson murmured mindlessly on the other end of the line: work was the last thing he wanted to talk about with Ethan at the moment.

“I’ve also kept Calvin at bay from suing you for the cost of that party—Hey Gray do you know anything about him and a stripper from Florida? Please don’t tell me you ran off with a stripper from Orlando—” Ethan felt ridiculous saying it, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.

“No-No-No,” Grayson’s voice was adamant, “I am not with—I’m with Kate. We were in Chester, leaving for Long Valley right now—” “Oh—” Ethan could not contain his surprise at hearing Kate’s name. In his heart of hearts, he wasn’t shocked that Grayson was physically clinging to his memories of her: his last actual happy times. Ethan had always liked Kate, if his brother hadn’t fallen so madly for her back in the day Ethan would have considered calling her to ask for a date. But Ethan’s subconscious did not need twin telepathy to tell him that if Grayson wasn’t running away from Sherry, he was most definitely running to Kate.

“Yeah,” Grayson didn’t want to brush his brother off but his tone was curt, “We’re going to mom’s house before anyone catches us out here.”

“Gray,” Ethan’s tone wore his signature big brother tone of disappointment.

“Yeah?” “You remember what dad used to tell us?” Ethan sighed into the phone, he could almost hear Grayson’s heart stutter a bit before he continued, “If you have to sneak around, you know you’re doing something wrong.”

Grayson rubbed his lips together, as if trying to slide the unruly thought into his head. “Love you bro.” “Love you Gray.”

The second that Ethan hung up the phone, Grayson slung his orange leather duffel bag over his shoulder. He nodded at Kate, who was waiting patiently on the lofted bed. Together, they used the cover of the night to escape to Long Valley.

Lisa loved it when her children came to visit her. She would prepare big meals and try to find excuses to cuddle up with them on the couch. On that night, she wished she was seeing Grayson under different circumstances. It didn’t take a mother’s intuition to see the tension in his eyes and stress hanging in his jaw. She was surprised to see the petite brunette with a slight limp trail behind him. Grayson had once shown Lisa a picture of Kate. She vaguely remembered the image of a smiling girl in front of a blue tiled wall. Even with the hazy memory of the girl, Lisa was as shocked as anyone else in the world to learn that she was Grayson’s first stop after leaving his own engagement party.

Upon arriving to his mother’s house, Grayson ran upstairs to call Ethan back. In the car, Ethan texted Grayson about a number of issues surrounding the coming boat party for the launch of Wakeheart’s new line of bath bombs. In skipping out, he left his mother and Kate alone in the kitchen.

Kate sucked in her lip, her eyes darting awkwardly around the room.

Lisa sipped at her tea prior to breaking the silence, “How is he?” “He’s—” Kate took in a deep breath, picking her words carefully, “He’s trying his best. But—” she sighed, “He’s head strong.” Lisa chuckled, “He’s always been that way. He has a habit of getting obsessed with things he convinces himself are good ideas.”

Kate nodded with a rocking swing, “Yes.” She bit her lip, asking herself if she would ask the question before it came out, “I think that’s what happened—with, with her.”

Lisa gave a subtle nod, “I wouldn’t doubt it.”

They shared a silent space for a few moments.

Lisa turned to Kate again, “Do you want to leave? I’m sure you want to get back to your own life..” Kate shook her head quickly, dark tresses escaping from her ponytail. Suddenly, she was very self-conscious about appearing annoyed or disinterested, “No, not at all. I—” she bit her lip, “I want to be there for him. He was—he was there for me when I had no one else.” She gnawed on her skin softly, “He would do it for me if the tables were turned.”

Lisa gave a maternal look, “Returning a favor is nice,” she set her mug down on the counter with a clack sound, “But you’re going far for someone who hasn’t seen him in years.” Her eyes nearly twinkled, “While you’re keeping him in check, make sure you check in with yourself.” Kate opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Grayson bustling down the stairs. He was mumbling something about catering and boat insurance. He offered to show her to her room, Cameron’s old room. Kate picked her backpacks up from the floor and followed him up the stairs.

She had thrown her bags onto the bed when her phone rang from her pocket. She brought it around and felt her brain jostle when she saw Wesley’s contact photo. Grayson was standing in the doorway when she picked up the phone.

“Hey uh babe,” Kate tried to disguise her exhausted voice. “Hey Katie,” Wesley’s tone was so comforting that it hurt Kate, “How have you been sunshine?”

“I’ve been good,” Kate attempted to sound upbeat, “I-uh—yeah things are okay.” “Have you been getting that time with your mom you wanted?” Wesley was truly, genuinely, outwardly concerned about her. Kate nodded and then realized he couldn’t see her, “Yeah, all the time…”

“Good, I’m happy for you.” Wesley took a breath over the phone, “Hey Katie, you know I’m not usually like this but you haven’t really been texting me and I’ve been getting worried.” “I’m with my mom,” Kate’s voice came too quickly, “I can do better, yeah better I’ll do better.”

“Are you---are you really—okay Katie,” Wesley shuffled the phone in his hand, “I’m here if you need me.” “Thanks Wes,” Kate sighed, “Love you.” She didn’t wait to hear it back before hanging up the phone. Kate tossed her phone into one of her bags and laid back onto the bed. She sighed audible and blew a fast stream of air from here lungs. From his place in the doorway, Grayson crept into the room, “That was him?” Kate closed her eyes from the bed and nodded, “Yeah, that was him.” Grayson sat on the edge of the bed; he rested his hands on his knees. He felt like the image of a man painted in pain, guilt, and grief. He felt like the world’s biggest idiot for not considering that Kate might have moved on after three years. He wanted to reach out and touch her, but decided against making contact. “I’m sorry,” he started with a low voice, “I—You can go home if you want.”

Kate shook her head and sat up to look at him, her dark tresses falling around her head, “I want to be here for you.” Her tone was assuring. Grayson chuckled and moved his palms outward, “Here for what? I don’t even know what I’m doing.” Grayson’s eyes met the floor as he hung his head low. Kate’s small palm found a home between his shoulders, “Not knowing what you need, is when you need people the most.” He looked up from where he hung his head to find her lips close to his. His pupils focused on her lips before traveling up to her eyes.

She kept her tone sweet and light, “My life wasn’t a dream. It’s not like you pulled me out of something spectacular and dragged me with you. I needed—I needed something different to show me what was wrong. You gave me that. You did something right for me.” She gave him a soft smile, “You did something right.” Grayson’s skin felt like it was on fire when she reached forward and wrapped her small arms around him in a hug. Her embrace was warm and smelled like her signature scent. He smiled into her shoulder: still a guilty mess but feeling less shameful.

Both of their veins rushed with blood. Their faces were closer together than they had been in years. Somehow, their bodies knew how to fit together like pieces of a puzzle. This was the first time they were physically touching each other since the last time they were together: that wretched morning with the pill at CVS. And yet, that wasn’t the memory that rushed to either of their minds. They closed their eyes, finding a comfortable piece in each other’s arms: arriving home after a long, wayward journey. 

From the dark spot Kate’s phone landed in after she threw it in her bag, it began to light up. Her phone beeped, pinged, and buzzed from within her backpack.

In his room, Grayson’s phone rang with calls from Ethan, Sherry, Calvin, Ryan, and his agents. His inbox filled with emails as he began to trend on twitter for the second time that week.

Downstairs, Lisa turned on the television to see an image of her son looking back at her. The screen lit up to reveal the paparazzi pictures of Kate and Grayson at his tiny home. One after another images swarmed the flat screen: Grayson and Kate stepping out of his Tesla; Grayson opening the front door and Kate following after him, a zoomed in shot of Grayson and Kate making dinner for each other; Grayson sitting outside the tiny home drinking his morning coffee; Kate stepping out of the tiny home, in one of his t-shirts and sitting next to him while he took his coffee.

The headlines and hashtags had a field day.

GRAYSON DOLAN RUNS OUT ON SHERRY MADDOX FOR MYSTERY BRUNETTE #DIRTYDOLAN CHEATER! THE REAL REASON GRAYSON DOLAN WENT MISSING

GRAYSON DOLAN FUCKED HIS MISTRESS SO HARD SHE WAS WALKING FUNNY THE DAY AFTER HIS ENGAGEMENT PARTY

#grayson dolan #dolan twins #fanfic #series #ethan dolan #grayson x oc #dolan OC #blurb #concept #story #youtuber #vlogging music #sweet enigma #kind stranger

[purplepalmdelight]

i wrote again !! full work under the cut, tws in tags

Fandom: Stranger Things (TV 2016) Rating: General Audiences Relationships: Jonathan Byers & Will Byers Characters: Jonathan Byers, Will Byers, The Byers Family Trauma

“The Mind Flayer is out of him. The Upside Down is gone. El is back. Everything is okay now.

Then Will finds a letter under Jonathan's bed, and things don't feel very okay anymore.”

Will took another bite of cereal, watching blankly as his mother dashed about, trying to collect both her things and herself and failing miserably. "God, I'm late-" She tugged on her other shoe and blindly grabbed her keys off the hook. "Ok, I think that's everything." She kissed Will's forehead quickly. She always did that now. It was nice. Kinda made him feel like a kid, and he had to scrunch his nose up out of principal, but it was nice. "Can you remind Jonathan to go grocery shopping later? We're running out of milk."

Will lifted his dry spoon in a kind of salute. "Out of it, actually. And yeah. He's still asleep, I think," he added. Joyce's forehead wrinkled.

"He's been sleeping a lot," she said, in a way that was offhand for her but mildly concerned for anybody less neurotic. Will shrugged.

"I mean, it's break, so…" he took another bite to get out of the conversation. Jonathan's sleep schedule wasn't exactly a riveting topic. Joyce just sighed and went for the door again, though she aborted her movement halfway there and turned again.

"Oh, the uh…" she snapped her fingers. "The shelves. For your room. I got them yesterday. Last night, I guess. But they're waiting to be put up- I asked Jonathan to put them somewhere? I think they're under his bed or something. In the closet, maybe. You can do that, if you want."

He didn't have enough room for all his stuff anymore. Plus, Dustin had given him all his X-Men comics ("You deserve them. And I come over all the time anyway, so it's not like I can't read them whenever.") and that was, like, the coolest gesture ever, but it just exacerbated the problem. The new shelves were more exciting than they really had any right to be, but Will didn't bother tamping down his grin. Maybe some good old fashioned hammer and nails would fix him up. Fix this crazy empty feeling inside him.

The scar from the poker burned, and he shoveled more cereal into his mouth, gesturing to the door. Joyce kissed his forehead again, laughing as he swatted her away, before darting out for work. Will finished his cereal in relative silence.

Did he have to wait for Jonathan to wake up to dig through his room? Courtesy said yes, but like… you didn't have to be courteous with your brother, right? That wasn't a thing. You could totally dig through your brother's room without his permission. In fact, Will decided, it was probably encouraged in the Younger Sibling Handbook. He left his bowl in the sink to deal with later.

The floor creaked under his feet as he crept into Jonathan's room, and he froze for a moment. His brother was tangled up in his sheets, half-dangling off the bed, and Will snickered to himself. Jonathan mumbled something, but he always talked in his sleep, so Will paid it no mind. He tried the closet first. A bust- nothing but too many flannels and four of the same Pink Floyd t-shirt crumpled on the floor. Will closed the door as quietly as he could, rolling his eyes. Jesus, this guy.

He crept over to the bed, resisting the urge to kick Jonathan's hand where it was dangling at knee height. He muttered something in his sleep again and Will mumbled his own mocking gibberish back with a grin. He flopped down onto his stomach carefully. The underneath of Jonathan's bed was dusty as hell, was his first impression, and also had way too much shit. He picked up a stray paper and squinted at it. A math worksheet dated November '79? Seriously? It wasn't even done. (Will's hand brushed over a mixtape that had "fuck you, dad" scrawled on the front, and thought maybe he didn't want to snoop through this shit after all.)

The shelves were shoved up next to some boxes. Will wriggled them, trying to shove them out from under the bed, but they were wedged in tightly, and he had to brace himself against the slats of the frame with one hand and force his toes in the tiny space next to box, using his other foot to awkwardly push the shelves out. He moved slowly- Jonathan would probably flip out if he woke up to Will half under his bed with, apparently, seventy percent of everything he'd ever owned. After several anxious, creeping minutes, he finally pushed them all the way out, cheering silently. His shoulder ached like hell, though. He should've just waited until the asshole woke up.

Will went to wriggle out from under the bed himself, but something caught his eye. There was a flash of white in the slats- a piece of paper? He frowned.

I definitely shouldn't, he told himself. But the curiosity poked him sharply- like a poker, and his side burned- and he crammed his fingers between the wood and the mattress, tugging it out. It was just a piece of notebook paper folded over itself. His name was scrawled on the front.

Will army-crawled backwards until he could sit up, leaning against the side of the bed. He pushed away Jonathan's hand as it dangled in his face and earned a mumbled, "Not the gun," in return. Will gave his brother a weird look. Some kinda dream, huh? He flipped the paper over in his hands a few times, frowning. Was it for him? If it was, why was it stuck under Jonathan's bed? It was a bit too late to put it back, he reasoned, and it was labeled very clearly for him. So he didn't feel too guilty unfolding it. (Not too guilty. Just a little bit guilty. He'd let Jonathan pick the movie next time they watched one.)

Will,

It was a letter. His frown deepened. The penmanship was shaky, like it had been jotted down quickly. Jonathan's handwriting was neat; he wrote every letter like he meant it, like it had to be perfect. Will always rolled his eyes about it, and Jonathan just said it paid to be clear.

I really don't know why I'm bothering to write this. I don't have anyone else to write to, I guess? Which is dumb. It's so dumb. It's bullshit. Everything in this town is bullshit, though.

I miss you. So much. And you would be so annoyed if I said that, because you're okay and you're fine and you just want me to leave you alone, but I miss you. I know you feel like we're treating you like a kid. I'm sorry.

Will glanced up awkwardly at his brother's sleeping face, suddenly feeling like he was invading his privacy. Maybe he really shouldn't be reading this. Maybe he should fold it back up and-

I have to let it go. I know that. That's what everyone's telling me. I mean, not directly. But everyone else is coping, is moving on, and I'm just… I don't know. I feel like I changed, but I guess not that much, huh? Still the same guy. Still just not coping and calling it okay. Still your weird older brother, except now I can't seem to leave you alone. It's like everytime you leave the room, I get this kind of sick feeling, like maybe it's not over. Maybe it's not even real. Maybe I'm still asleep and Mom is still fighting with Dad about your funeral in the living room. Maybe I'm about to wake up and find that you're not here, that you never came back, that they didn't find you.

But they found you. So I should be okay now.

Will twisted slightly, curling up, and let Jonathan's hand graze his knee. Jonathan shifted in his sleep. Mumbled something that sounded like, "Steve." Will snorted before he could help it.

Even Nancy is coping, and I know she's the one that deserves to be like this. I mean, fuck, she lost her best friend. At least you came back.

You're not really you anymore. And that makes sense. That place was awful. Was hell, really. But you're different now. And it's selfish, it's really selfish, but sometimes I just want the old you back. I want everything to be the way I used to be. And obviously that will never happen and at least you came back and I should be okay by now, but everything is so fucked up and I don't know how to deal with it. I wish I had gone to the Upside Down for you. I wish I'd gone. I wish you were happy. I wish Mom was happy. I wish I was happy. I wish Nancy was happy. I wish I didn't feel like I failed you. I wish it hadn't all been my fault in the first place. I wish you would talk to me. I wish I were dead.

Will had to set it down for a second, his heart hammering. He wasn't meant to be reading this. He knew he wasn't. But it wasn't fair to Jonathan if he put this back. If he ignored it. He read the last line again and had to set it down a second time.

I wish I were dead.

None of this was fair.

The scar from the poker burned.

I can't eat. It makes me sick. Makes me think about how you spent all that time without food. Makes me think about how there's a whole other world out that and it took my little brother and he spent all that time without food and now he gets dizzy just walking to the couch sometimes. Makes me think how my little brother wouldn't have had to go through that if I hadn't taken that stupid second shift. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Will glared at the hand right in front of him, trying to pretend his vision wasn't blurry. "'S'not your fault, jerk," he muttered. He blinked rapidly. "Don't-" he shook his head. This was from a while ago, right? Things had probably gotten better. Things had to have gotten better.

Can't sleep either. Never was good at it, but it's worse now. I keep dreaming about the funeral. I don't want to dream about the funeral. I don't want to dream. The other night I woke up from a nightmare and I went to check on you because I had to check on you because I don't want to think about you being dead and you were also having a nightmare and I almost just shriveled up and died right there because I wish I could help you but I can't even help myself. Even Mom is starting to notice. Keeps telling me to eat more. She's never noticed how much I eat.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I guess. But I miss you, kid. And sometimes that feels really shitty, because hey. At least you came back. I wish I had gone. I wish I had gone and I DIDN'T come back. I think everything would be easier that way. But I can't seem to leave you alone, so I can't leave now. Even if you want me to leave you alone sometimes, I think I'd get too distracted worrying about you to die. I guess you dying is saving my life. Poetic or whatever.

No it's not. It's fucked up. I'm sorry. I hope you're okay soon. I hope we're all okay soon. I love you, kid.

-Jonathan

Will's chest felt empty. He knew there was something underneath it, something dark and repulsive and cold that was crawling up to choke him, but it just felt so dark, so hollow, like a hole had been punched all the way through his torso. He drew in a breath that came as a whine. Jonathan shifted in his sleep again, mumbling, "Will, no," and he bolted out of the room without conscious thought.

I forgot the shelves, he thought hazily, but his stomach rolled sharply, and he hunched over the sink, retching. His head was spinning. The paper had crumpled in his hand, he noticed distantly, crushed against the ceramic he was clutching. He sank to his knees with another whining noise, clutching at the letter. He felt sick. He felt empty. He felt like punching a wall or something, but his hands were shaking and he didn't know how to throw a punch anyway, so he just sat on the bathroom floor and tried to collapse in on himself as best he could, fill up the space that had been taken out of him.

I hope we're all okay soon, his mind echoed. He choked back a sobbing, hysterical kind of laugh. Yeah. He hoped they were okay soon. Was this supposed to be okay? Was he supposed to be okay by now?

"Will?" Fuck. "Shit, Will-" There were arms around him suddenly, and he let out a real sob this time, crawling into his brother's hug. Jonathan held him tightly, murmured stuff he couldn't really make out but that made him bury his face in Jonathan's shoulder, like he could hide from everything wrong in their lives if he just clung on tight enough. Maybe he could, he thought feverishly, selfishly. Maybe Jonathan could make everything better. Maybe he could just say that he was okay and Will was okay and everything would go back to normal.

But if things were going to go back to normal, Will wouldn't be crying on the bathroom floor. So he squeezed his eyes shut tight and tried to stop thinking about it instead.

"It's okay," Jonathan was saying, his hand stroking Will's hair. His voice was steady. His hand was steady. He was there. "It's okay, Will. You're okay. I've got you, buddy. You're gonna be okay."

Will burrowed deeper into his brother's hug and tried to steady his breathing. Steady, like Jonathan. Jonathan was there. They were okay. Things were okay now.

He found his voice once the tears had run out. It was buried somewhere in his chest, weak and broken, and he had to tug it harshly from under the mess inside himself to make any noise. "I'm sorry," he managed, almost silently. Jonathan hushed him.

"Don't be sorry. It's okay." He sounded so sure of it. Will shifted back to rub his eyes. The crumpled paper pressed into his cheek where he was still gripping it, and he wrinkled his nose, sniffling.

Jonathan had gone very still.

The steady hands fell away after a moment. "What's that?" Will shoved it in his pocket. "Will?"

He glared at the floor. "I was just looking for my shelves," he muttered, and Jonathan took a long, deep kind of breath. He snuck a glance up at him. "Are you mad?" Jonathan shook his head. His lips were pressed together tightly, though, and Will ducked his head again.

They were silent for a while, just sitting there, but Will wriggled his way back into a loose hug and he could breathe steady. Jonathan's chin was propped on his head, and normally he hated that. He didn't like feeling small. He didn't feel small right now, though. He just felt protected. Held.

"Are you okay now?" he finally asked, and got another one of those long, deep breaths in return.

It took a minute to get actual words. "I'm better," Jonathan said, and hugged him tighter. "I don't know if anything's ever gonna be okay. But I'm better." Better was good enough. Will was better too now.

The poker scar buzzed slightly, but he just let out a long, deep breath of his own and let his brother hold him. "Will you help me put my new shelves up?"

"Of course. Maybe you're better with a hammer than last time we built something," Jonathan teased, and he just laughed, and his chest felt warm enough that the buzzing in his side went away.

"Yeah. I'm better now."

He was steady. That was good enough.

#tw disordered eating #tw suicidal ideation #stranger things fic #jonathan byers #will byers #byers bros #i love them a lot ok #like i know i always talk about jon but i also love will. so much #hhnng i love the byers #so here take this

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 85

From two days ago. I got there and her door was open so she poked her head out and said come on in. I sat down on the couch and she asked how I was doing. I said I was good and I asked how she was. She said she was also good and she checked her phone to turn it off and then sat down. She asked how my week was and if I was still moving and I said yes we were still in the process of moving. I said moving has made me think about my childhood with decorating because there was always this really weird dynamic where anytime my mom decorated something or bought something new for the house she always made it a point to talk about how she was really excited to show my best friend Michelle and not me and I was like because you know Lynn how I’m not expressional right and Lynn was like well not really I don’t actually know what you mean because I see expressions but OK I was like well whatever she always made it a point to say she just couldn’t wait to show Michelle everything. She asked for pictures so I showed her he one of the house and said I hadn’t taken pictures of the inside because our stuff isn’t unpacked or set up yet and she was like OK will once you get everything settled in I want to see pictures of the inside and I was like will do. I explained how we were moving slowly and unpacking and still had several things to do and was annoyed because our couch won’t be here until a week from today and how we didn’t know that our water bill would be separate so it got shut off and won’t be turned on until Friday so we will have to go back-and-forth a 25 minute drive to the apartment to shower there and I told her about how my husband has been super sad about the move and she was like wait why and I was like I don’t really know I guess he has memories or connections with the apartment or something or maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet that we are really leaving and she asked how long we had been there and I said six years for me but seven for him because he live there with his college roommates before me. I said how he told me that he has been trying to get in touch with his feelings and be more empathic the past year and that he was feeling really sad and he said it just sucks and I kind of don’t really know what to say because I’m not really feeling the same. I said how yesterday we were like sitting where my dog and I were on the floor and my husband was on the stairs and we were talking and he was like there won’t be another time where I look over the staircase and see you guys on the couch watching shark tank and I was like I mean but now you’ll look around the corner and see us on a nice couch with a nice tv watching shark tank so I don’t know. I said how I had a moment of maybe self compassion or something but I felt sad because I had posted a picture of my husband and I in front of the house and my childhood best friend had commented and was like oh my God I need to come visit and I promise I won’t touch your fridge LOL and I explained to Lynn that as a kid I was so neurotic about our toy kitchen set and the whole playroom could be a mess but not the toy fridge and I would arrange and rearrange the food items in it over and over and I can literally picture the entire freezer worth of dessert foods and I can’t really picture everything from the fridge but definitely the freezer with the desserts because that was probably more so the things that I wasn’t allowed to have and I was like knowing what I know now about kids and play therapy and way that kids play and Lynn finished my conversation and was like you were playing out what was going on around you and looking for control and I was like yeah and there was one time when I actually did let her play with the kitchen food and I remember having so much anxiety and it doesn’t even make sense because it’s not like she was going to break it or wasn’t capable of putting it back drive just remember feeling so anxious about it and not wanting anyone to touch it. I explained that it was I guess in a weird way validating because I think my parents often make me feel like things weren’t that bad but for a kid to be that neurotic about playing food, there had to really be some serious food related issues. She agreed and I said yeah so pretty much I’ve just been really busy with unpacking and moving and unfortunately this is just been a really bad week for work where everybody seems to want a session and I have 33 people scheduled and Lynn was like oh my god me too! She said everybody seems to be popping up out of the woodwork asking for sessions and I was funny because she was like and you know half of them are like I’m in a crisis and she was like and I know by the time that they come in they will be like oh man well everything worked itself out now. I was like I totally know what you mean and she asked if I had any idea why it seems like this week in particular everybody has been wanting sessions. I said I was kind of chalking it up to everyone getting ready for back to school and wanting to get sessions in before everything goes crazy. Lynn was like or everybody’s going crazy at the end of summer because they are ready for routine to pick back up and for everything to go back to normal. I was like I guess that’s true too. She said her daughter is still up in Chicago and hasn’t come back yet and her son goes to college in August and I was like wait has he figured out which school he’s going to yet and she said Belmont and that she still honestly feels on the fence about whether or not they made the right decision because she thinks that deep down he really wanted to go to Sarah Lawrence and they were willing to give them a lot of money for the first year but they couldn’t promise for the next few years and also at the same time she was like he’s a pretty liberal kid but we are also from the south and I’m not sure how well he would’ve adjusted and it was a lot more money to go there so he settled on Belmont because it was one of the cheaper options. She said she was bombed because he decided not to pursue musical theater and he’s going to pursue actually writing for television which was like that’s a hard job to but she said she thinks he could’ve really made it in theater because he’s cute, which is accurate because she showed me that picture that one time and she said he’s really talented with acting and singing but she thinks that he just wanted a normal life and the idea of always waiting on the next job would be hard for him. I said that I had actually recently talk to my husband about that and how I feel like being in musical theater would be one of the hardest jobs because you would always have to budget for the future so well because it’s like if your contract ends you have to have money saved up and ready to go for the next few months until you find your next thing and I think that’s why people sometimes end up taking more of the touring jobs but then I’m like that’s also stressful because you obviously have to keep paying your rent while you’re gone. She was like yeah it seems really stressful and I hate it for my daughter and she said that she never sees any bedrooms that are month to month they are always apartments better year-long contract so that would be really hard. She said that actors in theater don’t get paid all that much in that Broadway equity is about $2000 a week and I was like which really is not much for living in New York City and she was like not at all and especially compared to actors in television and she said that with Hamilton they had protested in and gotten them to increase the pay and she’s hoping that they will be able to do the same for other shows as well and I was like yeah it’s just crazy because in London all of the Broadway shows are so cheap like 20 bucks ahead and at most you’re looking at 50 bucks to be front row for a really popular shows and she was like I wonder why that is and I was like I’m not really sure but the kids I met in the come from away line told me that their theater is bigger so I don’t know if that has to do with it or if they offer more shows or something I don’t know. She said she would have to ask her friends daughter who is studying in Wales and I was like that’s my favorite country and she was like really and I was like yeah go visit Cardiff and she was like I’m thinking about it my friend and I were talking about going to visit her daughter possibly and I was like you really should. She said her friends daughter is studying musical theater in Cardiff and I said that was really cool. I said that the next time she is in New York she needs to go see come from away. She said she will try and I was like not try, you need to see it you will really like it and she was like OK. I said I was glad that my husband has been singing Michael in the bathroom lately and she looked confused and I was like do you know that song and she was like no what is it from and I was like be more chill and she was like is that like an obscure musical and I was like no not really it’s about to be in New York City on the off-Broadway for revival and she was like oh really? And I was like yeah and she asked what it was about and I said to unpopular guys and one of them gets a squip that teaches him how to be popular and I said that will Roland from dear Evan Hansen is going to be one of the main characters and I feel like him being so unique and quirky would be honestly the perfect fit for that role and she was like OK that’s good and I said but it’s really annoying song but it’s catching and my husband has gotten into it because when we were driving in Maine I had played it and he was like what the heck turn it off but he ended up getting it stuck in his head and now he keeps singing it. I said I had it playing on my Pandora station and she was like oh is that how you are getting all of these random musicals and I was like it’s not that random but yes and she was like well that’s cool that you are able to hear any musicals that way. I said yeah I tend to rotate between dear Evan Hansen come from away waitress and wicked with the occasional Hamilton. She also told me that Hamilton in Chicago was like half the price of anywhere else and she doesn’t know why Chicago has cheap tickets for shows either. She asked me if I listened to the great, and I said it actually comes up in the mix but I’ve been hitting the next button because I don’t know what yet and she was like they have really cool and unique music and she said it was a really good show and she was really sad when it ended. She said that they would like play the instruments in the audience and there was one time when she was actually the person who got to receive this letter and the letter said I put purple glitter in my mustache for you today and they throw rolls into the audience at the beginning and she said it was really unique and she wishes it would go on tour or come back. Chelsa said Bonnie and Clyde had good music and I forget which other one. She said she wants to see carousel also when she is in New York and I said she could probably easily do rush tickets for that one and come from away is a bit harder to get rush tickets for and I said online it seems like people are still saying that there are like 50 or 60 people lined up every morning at least on weekends for it and she was like oh really well that’s crazy. I said you have a carousel doesn’t have nearly as much so you should be able to get those and she agreed. She asked me what I would like to work on and she opened up her folder and said it seemed like last time we were working on positive changes. I told her that I had done my homework and she looked like she had forgotten that she even gave me homework and I said but I was only able to think of one time when I felt like I mattered that didn’t have to do with being sick. She asked me what it was and I explained that when I was in my sorority in college my first semester I really loved it and I love the people that I was in with and we would always go on these retreats and stay in these huge log cabins and there was never enough beds for everyone so the newest girls which would be me would have to sleep on the floor or the couches. I said that I wasn’t sure why but everyone really liked me and my induction chair really favored me and she actually let me sleep in the bed with her and a few other of the older members and I guess the image that I have is of the four of us just laying in bed and laughing and telling jokes together and I just feel so wanted and included at that time. She said that was great that I had done my homework and she was like but also what about when you got married and I was like well yeah but you thought of that not me and Julie but it still counts and I was like OK so yes I there are two times than I can remember I guess being a feeling that I mattered. She was like I know there are more and I can probably point out more and she was like what about with your clients and I was like I mean yeah I guess I matter to them and she was like yes you definitely do and she was like you pretty much matter at least 33 times this week and I was like oh man 35 if we count the people at my agency and she laughed and was like that’s a lot of mattering. I was like I guess so and she was like well why don’t we do some work on this because it sounds like there are some really good changes being made. She asked if I had talk to my parents at all with moving and I said I had talk to my mom briefly and it was mostly surface of a conversation where I was telling her what we were doing as far as moving our stuff and then also that she was telling me about my dad like chronically fighting with this foster kid and I was like you would think at some point he would realize that he is the common denominator and it’s not just my brother and I. She pointed out that that was some more validation that it’s not all on me thing and I said yeah I guess so. I said how otherwise things have been good probably because I’ve been too busy to really have time to end up with depressive mental health for thoughts and of course Lynn was like or you are actually getting better and I was like I mean if I got better in the last week that’s impressive and she was like well overall you are getting better and I was like I mean somewhat and I said honestly I think the biggest thing that has helped me has been getting into Broadway music because now I play that in the car and it prevents me from really getting lost in my head because I usually end up following along or singing along and it has cut back a lot of my lost in my head anxious depressive spirals. She had me pick up the tappers and said we would work on some of the positive things. I said I noticed how when I used to go to the anxiety support group there were two different therapists and I guess the only way that I can describe the feeling is sort of this desperation and neediness and clinginess of feeling desperate to matter to them and that I’ve always sort of had this desperate feeling around older women who show me any sort of caring and how I can remember with both of those two women I had those same feelings from the anxiety group and that there was even like one time when one of them had touched my shoulder and I remember sitting in my car just bawling my eyes out after because I felt so desperate to matter. I noticed that I don’t really know or haven’t had those same feelings in a long time and how even like when I first saw Lynn my friend amanda had joked with me because I was like oh she’s going out of town and it was because Lynn was visiting her daughter up in New York and I had said that I was emailing Lynn and Amanda had been like oh yeah? Emailing to ask if she will save you a seat on the plane and I doc to you and Lynn actually laughed at that joke and I was like but I guess what’s different now is that I noticed that I haven’t had that same desperate feeling in a long time and I guess I can attribute that to EMD are because otherwise I’ve had that problem my whole life. She told me to notice that and I noticed how my pastor and I met this morning because he’s doing a sermon series on wounded by the church and he had asked me for my feedback and initially had asked if I would mind doing an interview in front of the church and I was like no deafly not that I wouldn’t mind doing a video and he had said yes so I met him this morning and at the end we were just casually talking and they mentioned putting my video up on the website and I was like no because I wouldn’t want my parents to see yet and he had said something about them being bad parents or something and I was like well I don’t know that it’s necessarily that they were bad parents because I think they meant well but they did their best but their best was unfortunately not what I needed and I noticed that normally when I’ve had conversations like that about my parents I have in the past gotten really sad and depressive and would end up crying in my car about an after but I didn’t really have that this time and didn’t keep thinking about it after. I noticed that I used to be so ashamed to talk about my mommy issues and how I had broken down and cried in my bosses office once after having a meltdown and crying in an Arby’s after Mother’s Day, but now I share in my church group and I’m ok with the tears and tellin them. I noticed that I had this sort of oh shit moment where I was like if I’m actually getting better it means that Lynn is going to terminate me and she was like well that’s not really how that works and I was like I know but there’s just this feeling of like I guess fear that if I get better it means that therapy is over and was like I don’t know why I’m so anxious about that because I know the goal is to get better but I think if I really knew who I was it would be easier and I explained how if I knew who I was and I knew why I mattered then maybe I could feel like I actually do matter and I explained how for so long my work has been wrapped up in what I can do for people and my career and work and I think I don’t know where that line is between yes your job as a part of who you are but it shouldn’t be all of who you are and outside of my work I really don’t know who I am and so I think that’s been really challenging because I don’t know why I matter why it would matter. She asked me what other people think and I was like I mean probably all the same generic things that we think about everybody like smart and funny and caring and nice and she was like we wouldn’t say that about everyone and I was like I mean Kinda though. I said it just feels very generic and I pointing out that there are things that I think my husband would say and she was like like what and I was like I mean stupid things like OK for example do you know that there is a country named jaboudie and she was like wait what and I was like yeah there is a country with that name and so I used to always jokingly asked my husband if you wanted to take a trip and he would be like to wear and then I would slap them on the button say that country and just like stupid things like that and Lynn laughed and was like but in general I don’t really know who I am or why I would matter outside of my mental health related issues or being sick. She said she thinks how basically that I’m doing so much better and I’ve made a lot of progress and that she thinks a lot of what we need to work on is more a future stuff and incorporating more of the positive things into my memory networks and maybe we don’t even have to go back and review the negatives and I was like just sitting there awkwardly not saying anything because I don’t know maybe I’m wrong maybe she’s right but she was like so we can keep working on this and adding some of those positive believes into there. I said I think that would be a lot easier if I felt like I mattered which would be easier if I knew why I should matter. Lynn also reminded me that even if I get better and leave I would always have the option to come back it h ever needed it even if it was just a random crisis to come back in for. She said all right and we scheduled for the two weeks from now. She said that at the end of August she will have to stagger people because she will be going away a good bit with helping her kids move. I said that was fine and I paid. She wished me luck with moving the rest of everything and I said thanks and headed out.