#anyway i’m just annoyed by this disingenuous discourse

[controversialhpmemes]

Obviously hate is never okay and that message is was super shitty, I’m sorry!

But it’s also very obvious that you think canon is superior. Even with the small things— like chocolate chip versus oatmeal raisin in your response. (i know i know it’s silly but…) Based on my experience with your page, you do shit on non-canon ships in your memes and you complain about people who like those ships.

(And before you say that you’re critiquing the ships— it doesn’t feel like you’re doing it in good faith. Good faith critiques come from a place wanting something to improve because you like it and want to be part of it. You’ve made it clear you don’t like these ships and it feels like you don’t want to actually engage in productive discourse)

So It feels like the “if people just tagged correctly” argument is disingenuous. Like how do you tag a character as OOC when they don’t really have a characterization to begin with? Not to mention— I feel like sO many marauders fics are tagged as AUs anyway because they don’t take place in the magical world.

There are also so many other tags you could filter out, such as any of the ships you don’t like. If you don’t like how Jegulus treats Lily and Harry, filter out fics that having Jegulus raising Harry.

To a casual (but deeply invested observer) it feels more like you miss the focus on the older parts of the fandom and are taking it out on the newer members. If you’re annoyed with the lack of content/focus/popularity, you’re not going to change that with anti posts. You just need to find your people (which you’re doing here!) based on what you all like.

To your jokes about marauders fans not understanding or knowing the canon… many marauders fans grew up reading Harry Potter and have since become uncomfortable with how JKRs views come through in the text. Many of us have since distanced ourselves from the original canon on purpose because of the transphobia, racism, and pro-cop content. (This isn’t me trying to say that canon lovers are endorsing this, but it also doesn’t feel right when canon lovers act like they have more of a claim to fandom spaces… so many people would have loved to continue being in those spaces, but feel like Marauders is a safer space)

I don’t get the impression that people are trying to pretend they invented Harry Potter, but to some degree they largely invented the marauders characters. Obviously some characters have large roles in the canon (you post a lot abt Remadora, which makes sense) but others are barely mentioned or are only shown through specific lenses.

Like I mentioned earlier, how do you tag something OOC when there’s no original characterization? But it’s not an OC, because you’re pulling bits of the character from the world and thousands of other people have the same character (or a similar character) in their heads.

This isn’t supposed to be a gotcha moment. I’m genuinely asking bc it doesn’t really feel like tagging is the root of the issue.

One last big point: Your blog talks a ton about misogyny and fetishization of gay men. These are topics that are much-discussed in so many spaces and not even the most fanon-focused marauders fans can agree on them, but I’d like to give my two cents.

There is misogyny. Of course there is. Even as people try their best, Marauders revolves around a group of boys (it’s in the name) and men will continue to be at the center of it. That will inherently attract and breed misogyny.

However, the canon treatment and characterization of women is also misogynistic. Lily, for example, is very flat in the books. She has a few scenes (in Snapes memories, mostly) and is otherwise talked *about*. She is held up as an idyllic mother and student and person, true, but that is not a well-written character. She isn’t really a person in the books as much as she is a motivation/plot device for men around her. And this is entirely a product of JKR’s inability to write women.

Again, all of this is par for the course, and most people would agree that canon marauders-era characters are often single-note.

What feels unfair about your arguments is that fanon has added so much depth to these characters and flushed them out as real fallible humans. It’s fair to point out that fanon does this more for the men, but it feels reductive to oNLY talk about the misogyny in fandom, when canon is just as guilty by nature of the author.

On the topic of fetishizing: there’s this idea that a bunch of creepy white women are sitting at their computers writing porn about gay teenagers… when that is really a straw man argument. Maybe those people exist, and I would be more likely to believe that that’s true in the broader HP fandom… but a majority of the marauders fic authors I know (including the ones who write filthy smut) are genderqueer (transmasc esp) and are actively experimenting with their sexuality and gender. Marauders fics played a large role in my coming out as transmasc.

It’s not fetishizing if the people writing these things are closeted gay men/nonbinary people. That’s just people writing the experiences they wish they could have had.

And that’s also part of why we—I, at least— distance from canon. JKR looms over a lot. Maybe you don’t feel it, which is great! I’m very glad. But please don’t shit on people who do.

Anyway, I know this is super long and idk if you’ll even read/respond to it, but thank you if you do. If you want to engage in more discussion, I will continue to check back and DM you if you want.

Canon is superior to fanon. I do complain about people who enjoy the ships. Not only because of mistagging. Mistagging is a band-aid for the problem. It solves the immediate issue of having a fanon fandom and a canon fandom under one umbrella. That is the tip of the iceberg.

I do not want to engage in productive discourse as you put it. Not on this page. This page serves a specific purpose for me. Venting. I do not start any post with "let us discuss" or "we need to talk about". Any engagement I get is from asks like this one. People come to me to vent. It is ok.

Because it is not productive to argue about canon versus fanon. I have tried. I have failed. In this fandom it is impossible to have a good faith critique of fanon ships. Too many people treat their fanon ships as markers of their morality or personality. A good faith critique of fanon ship becomes an attack on the shipper. It goes like this:

Them: "Jegulus could be canon IF. Or Jegulus could be canon, BUT"

It is the IF/BUT that makes the discussion impossible. I do not want to talk about IF/BUT. I want to talk about what is.

OOC and canon characterisation. There are some characters that have almost nothing. Like Evan Rosier. But what we do know is he was killed by Moody. He was resisting arrest. He blew off a chunk of Moody's nose. That does not sound like a spring flower who loves justice and Muggleborns.

I am angry with newer Marauder fans because they have taken these AUs as canon. Some have not read the books by their own admission and seem to be proud of it. How do you talk about canon James Potter if you only have fanfiction? We know enough to piece together a character. We know enough that he hated dark magic, loved Lily, loved his friends. There is never ever mention of Regulus by James.

To say it again. Mistagging is the tip of the iceberg. It can solve an immediate problem. It does not solve the problem of the whole fandom. I cannot solve that. I do not pretend to try to solve that. I am incapable of solving that. I can make memes that make me laugh, make others laugh, occasionally break containment. I have been blocked by loads of accounts. I expected this and am ok with it. I have also said before I will not do this forever. I am angry and taking it out with memes. Instead of going to individual ask boxes or fics or TikTok accounts or Twitter accounts or Discord servers and harassing individuals.

I do filter. The filtering makes certain tags walls of filtered posts. If you filter wolfstar and go to the Sirius Black tag page it is mostly filtered posts. That means the tag is unusable to me.

Filtering fics. This is easy enough in theory. But fanon characterisation has become ingrained. When I filter out all the ships I do not want, I still find OOC characterisation in fics. Overly-dramatic Sirius. Alpha male Lupin. Do-no-wrong Hermione. Stupid Ron. Those are not tagged. I do the sensible thing. I click out of the fic, do not leave a hate comment, do not engage with the author or fic.

Yet I can still be frustrated and make a general meme that is not specific to an author or fic to the best of my ability. Almost everything is tagged anti marauders fandom, anti marauders fanon, or anti ship, or anti X bashing. I make it easier to filter my controversial takes. This page, one more time, is not for discussion. I open discussion with asks but it is up to the asker to discuss with me.

I will push back on your interpretation of Lily. We know more about Lily than James. You pointed out the problem. By focusing on the Marauders (men) it does breed misogyny. But we know more about the Marauders than characters like Mary Macdonald, Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon, Hestia Jones, Emmeline Vance. If we have almost nothing for Marauders and even less for the female characters, why is fanon incapable of doing as much for them?

We cannot do anything about the internalised misogyny and transmisogyny by JKR. We can and should criticise her and her dehumanising views. It seems hypocritical to me to say "well, the author is guilty of misogyny so we should be as critical of her."

We are. The reason I push harder on fandom than on JKR is that many parts of fandom are declaring themselves morally superior, morally better, more socially progressive than JKR. Which is true in many ways. But if this is the claim, I expect more from fandom than JKR. If you know better, you do better. The Marauders fandom claims to know better. So I push harder on fandom.

It is good that the Marauders fandom encouraged you to be who you are. It is good that you felt comfortable and supported to come out as transmasc.

However we all have our echo chambers. I am guilty of it. This blog is an echo chamber often. I respond to asks like this one that are in good faith and disagree with me.

Fetishisation to me is not about writing genuine experiences or wishful thinking or wish fulfillment. It is about using an identity as an object for pleasure. Only you can decide which one is which. I have been in fandom for a long while. It is not only middle aged white women who do this. White people fetishise POC. Het people fetishise queer people. Young people fetishise. Old people fetishise. Everyone is susceptible to using another person or identity as an object for pleasure. I have seen it all over many years.

You are welcome to DM me. You are welcome to send more asks. I expect you will find my response to be insufficient or lacking. You may even block me. That is ok.

#asked #answered #anti marauders fanon #anti marauders fandom #fandom wank #fandom discourse #fandom etiquette #fandom misogyny #harry potter #fandom critical #fandom criticism #fandom culture #fandom problems

[pixiecaps]

I remember like, the first time I saw you. I hadn’t recognized your pfp, and after seeing it a few times on my dash I decided to click. After scrolling a bit, I came to the realization I had followed you on accident (something that happens plenty to me). I usually would’ve unfollowed, but you seemed just interesting enough for me not too. A few months later, I’m surprised when you follow me back, especially since I don’t make original posts, and am not ranboo-centric.

Nowadays, you’ve managed to become one of my favorite mutuals. I always get giddy when I see you in my notifications, and 90% of the time I make note to see what post you liked and/or reblogged. It’s the “I’m getting a good grade in reblogging, something that is both possible to achieve and normal to want.”

We aren’t close mutuals, though I definitely wouldn’t mind it. I’d love to send more asks, however I’m horrific at carrying conversations and also have some social anxiety that makes me nervous. I also don’t want to intrude, as previously mentioned we aren’t close mutuals, and I don’t want to be pushy or annoying, haha. And I would start by responding to some of the posts you make that expect responses, but I don’t refresh my dashboard enough to see them in time. And I don’t know if it’d be appropriate to ask for a discord, which I’m better at checking, because I know it’s usually used for friends.

All in all though, you are funny and witty, and I often to stop and read your posts when otherwise I’d scroll. I like your opinions when you do decide to get serious, and despite some non-common interests, you present them in such a way I can easily engage in anyways. I wish you lots of love and luck, take care of yourself, and keep your chin up, king!

(P.S. sorry for the rlly long message whoops, I hope I’m not too late to send this.)

helllooo anon i think this was for the ask game:0 im sorry i didnt see this hours ago im pretty sure you sent this around the time i went to sleep but yes hii hello!!

“interesting enough” LETS FUCKING GOOO. okay! i usually follow back people i’ve seen around a lot on dash or urls i recognize in my notifs!! i must have recognized you:)

thats so sweet thank you i appreciate it😭 also wanna thank you for sticking around the idea that you’ve grown to rlly be fond of me after accidentally following me is heartwarming

ah dude don’t worry about. look i started this blog because i had horrific social anxiety and my irls were encouraging me to make new friends!! so even though i was shaking and wanted to throw up (that bad ik) i started posting and slowly but surely it wasn’t as scary anymore. it takes time so you can take your time dont feel pressured to interact if you dont want to. that being said i don’t mind if people who arent “close mutuals” send an ask or dms me. you become a close mutual by doing these things ya know😭 oh!!!! you can ask for discord too!! all mutuals are allowed to :) i however suck at holding conversations too so be aware of that lmao

AW TY!! ehehe you like my takes🤭 genuinely though i try to stay away from discourse or serious topics cus it may come off intimidating and thats the last thing i want to come off as but im glad whenever i do make a few posts like that you found it easy to engage:) i will! i am trying my best to take care of myself and for u i shall hmmm i was gonna say go outside but i already have plans to do that so it’d be disingenuous. i’ll just drink a lot of water today 👍 omg have u ever noticed theres no water bottle emoji on ios. i wait every update to see if they added one but nope. i would use that emoji so much…

anon congrats on getting the award of longest ask ever sent BAHSJD i woke up and saw this and my eyes popped in a good way

( also adding this after i posted this. i know anons dont usually like their own asks to stay hidden so i need you to know you seem lovely:D )

#pix asks aaaa #anon #long post

[thenuanceddebater]

Personal Post: Why I Disappear

Alright. This has been a long time coming. This might be one of the most open, personal, etc. posts that I’ve made on this blog. I’m not going to hide anything (save for some identifying details), and I’m going to go through messy stuff like emotions and whatnot. So, I’m putting it under a read more. Please do not think that you need to read this if you don’t want to. 

When I first started this blog, I was in undergrad and almost failing out. I had some family issues going on with my grandfather (who is now deceased due to what I could charitably call medical malpractice to the point where it helped change a national procedural standard), and I was hurting. I didn’t have many (or really any) friends, and I needed something to vent to. I made an account to shout into the void – to post long content that wouldn’t ever really get popular or any traction whatsoever for my own benefit. I needed a place where I could yell at people and feel smart. I really didn’t think anything would ever happen, or that I’d even get like... 50 followers.  And then my content it kind of... did take off to  a degree. 

I wasn’t really prepared for that, but at the time it was really fun. I’ve got a bit of an obssessive/ addictive personality, and tumblr became an addiction. At first, that was okay. I was involved in the culture-war discourse, but not really taking it any more seriously than I took other things. I had a summer internship during summer 2016 where I would make tumblr posts when I didn’t have enough work to do, and enjoyed talking to some of the friends I made on this platform. Then it got bad. I started disagreeing with people on “my side,” the 2016 election happened and I felt isolated from the left and the right, and the alt-right started to become a real thing on this website. 

Charlottesville is what finally killed it for me. I saw so many people I had at least some respect for trotting out positions that were not only wrong, but odiously wrong. I had acquaintances, classmates, good friends who were affected there. Who were on the ground when it happened. And I know a lot more about Charlottesville than most people on this website. I got sick and tired of having to defend myself, of having people who didn’t know what they were talking about speak back on issues that they did not fully understand. At that point, tumblr became toxic for me. And it’s never really come back. It just took me a while to realize it. 

I deleted the tumblr app from my phone in fall 2017, and it’s never come back. I took what was originally intended to be a 3 month sabbatical from tumblr, and then realized that I didn’t want it back in my life. It had kind of... fulfilled its purpose, and I was on to new things. I got a job, and started studying for law school. Then I got into law school. Tumblr was the last place I made that announcement. I used the fact that I had “gotten busy” as an excuse, but that’s not fully accurate. Yes, I was and am very busy. But if I really wanted to, I could make time to post. Maybe not the pages, upon pages, upon PAGES that I used to. But something. What it really was is that I no longer wanted to. The way this website works, at least on the political side, pushed me away. 

Alright, now a MAJOR confession time. I have a lot of anxiety. As in, diagnosed “I went to therapy for a year to help deal with it” anxiety. I’m not in therapy anymore, and I cope with it pretty well (especially compared to some people I know and have a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for). I’m privileged in that regard. So many people have it worse. But, there are still certain things that trigger an immediate strong anxiety response. One of them is seeing that I have notes that aren’t just reblogs or likes. For some reason, when I see a number above that little lightning bolt (or when I saw the activity tracker go crazy on older tumblr) it just makes my heart start pounding. It’s not that I think I might be wrong. I still welcome correction and critique of my opinions. It’s not that I don’t want people to reblog my stuff, or comment on it. That’s (1) not my choice and (2) absolutely silly. 

It’s more that I’m anxious about how the response is going to make me feel. Some of the angriest I’ve been in recent memory is reading tumblr posts. The angriest I’ve been since the whole... grandfather who was like a father to me died due to medical malpractice thing was when I read a response to a post I made about genocide. The second angriest is when I read a response to a post about Charlottesville. The angriest I’ve been in recent memory is when I read that post that brought me back to the website where people were encouraging others to resist unlawful arrest and citing to a case that was outdated. 

I’m not an angry person. I don’t like annoying myself like that. But for some reason, I just can’t help myself sometimes. The number of times I’ve been annoyed enough to want to respond to something in recent memory is... quite high. Sure, there are times where I come back just because I want to check my messages, see something positive, or a question and then am inspired to write something. But that’s not what it usually is. Not really. It’s usually the educator/ elitist in me who wants to correct something that he sees as wrong. And when that thing is dangerously wrong or disingenuously wrong, well that creates some emotions considering that I like to believe that people operate in good-faith and this website really stretches that belief sometimes. And sometimes I can deal with that, and sometimes it really, really bothers me. 

I’ve also discovered that I really don’t get very much from tumblr. I used to use it as shouting to the void, and as an activity I could do other than just playing video games and procrastinating on my school work. Well, I do a lot of things now. I have a lot of friends now, and more school work and obligations to student organizations, law journals, my summer internships, etc. I used to use tumblr as a way to feel like I was smart. To feel like I mattered and that I could do great things. I have other ways of doing that, as well as a lot more internal self-esteem and external validation of that self-esteem. Back when I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I was a bad person. Now, I know I’m not, and am in fact a pretty good person. Back when I made my tumblr, I had no outlet for the intellectual energy other than my long-term girlfriend and school work. Now, I have so many outlets for that energy, that it’s honestly mindboggling. Oh, and I still have that same now very-long-term girlfriend (just in case anyone was curious. Our ten year anniversary is next year. I’m 25. I’ve been dating this woman for almost 40% of my life. And she’s honestly fucking amazing, brilliant, and I’m so damn lucky to have her.). It’s not like I’m starved for interaction or avenues to pursue anymore. When I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I’d fucked my life up to such a degree that I was never really going to be able to un-fuck it. Now, I’ve shown myself that I was wrong. I was really, really wrong. About a lot of things, but especially that. I’m not the same person as when I made my tumblr. Not at all. And that’s a really good thing. 

But when I go and look at some other people, some other blogs that I used to follow/ still follow (I’m not going to name names), I don’t see that kind of change. I see that they are still the same (or very similar) people. It’s been years. They’re talking about the same things, using the same words, etc. That’s... crazy to me. When I logged on to tumblr this fall and I saw that fucking Charlottesville was somehow still a debate topic, I just about lost it. There’s a post I made that accurately summarizes some of the emotions I felt, but really a lot of it was that this website is Neverland. If you stay here, you likely never grow up. All that happens is that the Wendys, Johns, and Michaels decide that they want to grow-up, and leave to go and do so. So, all that’s left are the Peter Pans and Captain Hooks engaged in constant warfare about the same things for weeks, months, years. And when a Wendy, John, or Michael decides to come back well. Neverland is still the same. Welcoming them back to the same fight that they remember from years ago – from when they were a different person. I don’t know why, but that’s just so damn sad to me. There’s a reason why my old bio said “just a human striving endlessly for the perfection that he can never hope to attain.” Because that’s what I do. And tumblr has kind of an... anathema to that and is antithetical to the concept. 

So, tumblr gives me little to nothing, pisses me off, and its never-changing or evolving nature makes me sad and goes against my very being. So, why come back at all? That’s... a damn good question. Not really sure that I can answer it. I suppose the answer has to be that there’s no good reason to come back, but that I will likely continue to do so anyway. Call me a masochist if you must, but sometimes there’s something that I want to share (or that I think the people who SOMEHOW still follow this dead-ass blog should know), or an idea that I think is useful, or I just so happen to type a “t” on my keyboard and tumblr gets pulled-up and I see something and decide to post on it, etc. and I come back. VERY temporarily. Only until I’m pulled away or driven away again. I think that’ll probably keep happening. At least to some degree. 

Will I ever come “back” like I was in undergrad or the summer before I got my job? I don’t know. Signs point to “no,” but I’ve been wrong before. I’ve been oh so very wrong before. And maybe I’m wrong about what tumblr gives me. Maybe I can have a healthy relationship with this website to the point where the reblogs don’t give me anxiety, and I’m not either sad or angry (to some degree) when I make a response. But right now, I really doubt it. And I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone, but that’s just where I am right now. 

So yeah. I think that’s it. I’ll be around temporarily right now (my internship has really good hours, and I’ve got time in the evenings before I game with friends and talk to my girlfriend to take a look at some things). But come the end of August, I’ll likely be gone again. Maybe even before that. I’m not going to close this blog (because I’ll likely be back again), but content or opinions are never going to be consistent. 

If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me, send an ask, etc. Seeing as I’ve basically dumped a lot of stuff at once (and broken some of the wall separating “TND” from me as a person) I’m down to answer pretty much anything. 

#personal #personal thoughts #why i am like this #original content

[caden]

i feel we should examine the whole idea of “do spoilers matter” or not at a deeper level then ‘people who complain about spoilers are annoying so spoiler warnings are stupid’. like the idea that a lot of you guys seem to have of “if having the plot spoiled ruins the movie for you then the plot wasnt any good anyways” seems sort of... not fully wrong but also underdeveloped to me. like, there are tons and tons and tons of stories that are widely considered to be amazing and have clear artistic merit that you absolutely wouldn’t want spoiled. Like, you wouldnt want to know darth vader was lukes father. you wouldnt want to know bruce willis was a ghost the whole time. For drama to be effective you need tension, and a very very efficient way of keeping the audience engaged is by putting them in a mindset where they’re unsure of what will happen next, or by revealing a game-changing plot twist, or by suddenly putting a character into an unexpected position. It seems totally disingenuous to me to be like ‘well it shouldnt matter to the audience whether or not they get to be surprised by what happens in the film they’re watching’. You can’t honestly believe that to be true. Being able to be surprised by a story is like one of the fundamental draws of good storytelling and probably has been for all of human history. Imagine how much worse US or Get Out or any Shakespeare play would be if you knew exactly where the plot would go before you saw it. I know there’s some research that suggests people actually enjoy stuff more if they already know what will happen but you can cast a lot of doubt on that data-- i think that it indicates more that people are more likely to appreciate a good plot once they understand it more thoroughly, hence why you might like a great movie more the second time you watch it. That doesnt mean there isnt value in the first time, it’s just a different way of viewing it.

All that said, the stuff with people not wanting spoilers for endgame has different wrinkles to it. (dont worry im not about to spoil anything). It can’t all be chalked up to ‘people care super deeply about the characters and plot and the writing is always so unpredictable and engaging that they dont want to know a single thing before going in’. Ive spent a lot of time recently thinking about the way infinity war and endgame are constructed, and they’re made in such a way that REALLY facilitates them being ‘spoiled’. because they’re written around moments. The plot isn’t so much a naturally moving thing with motivations and momentum of its own as much as a connective tissue between various cool things happening. Like, whoa, spider-man just met the guardians of the galaxy. oh sick, theyre in wakanda. holy shit, half of them died. Endgame goes REAAAAAALLY hard on this style of writing. And as a method of milking emotion from the audience, it really really works. Assuming the moments themselves are all effective, you’re guaranteeing constant engagement because every three minutes another epic thing is gonna happen. And I think when people fault marvel fans for being obsessed with spoiler warnings, this style of filmmaking is really what they’re trying to critique. because there’s a suggestion that if your movie is just jumping from crazy twist to shocking death to funny reference to epic fight, you’re losing the thing that should actually be the connective tissue of a film-- its themes, character arcs, ideas, setting... etc. And while I personally don’t think those things are mutually exclusive, (bc i do believe that infinity war and endgame genuinely have themes they try to discuss), i would also agree with the argument that reliance on shocking moments over actual ideas is bad writing. But as I mentioned earlier, a filmmaker like Jordan Peele whose works are generally agreed to be very good also uses this writing style-- his plots escalate via twists and turns and are expertly constructed to keep the audience wondering what’ll happen next, and he does a really great job with it. 

Now, i DEFINITELY think there’s an argument for ‘disney intentionally plays up the spoiler warning angle in a way that’s ultimately toxic to the filmmaking process’. Like I don’t believe that the “tom holland doesnt get to read the script” stuff is true, I 100% think it’s all a publicity stunt-- but they shouldnt be setting a precedent that makes people think doing something like that to a lead actor is acceptable. It’s not how films should be made, and the only reason I’m sure its all fake is because I have enough filmmaking experience to know itd literally be impossible to efficiently shoot a big-budget film under those conditions. Of course all the buzz about endgame spoilers is HUGELY beneficial to their marketing teams, so obviously they’re gonna go hard as hell on enforcing that narrative. Like they 100% WANT everyone to both be spoiling the movie and getting anxious about having the movie spoiled, because its all free advertising for them. But in terms of ‘big movie studios having greedy practices that harmfully affect the artistic process and make their films worse’, its incredibly low on the list of bad stuff that studios do imo. 

So, like, if you’re gonna critique all the various aspects of that, I think you should A) put your efforts towards exposing all the spoiler panic through the lens of how it affects the way that films are produced and consumed, or B) put your efforts towards analyzing the media itself, watch the film and ask ‘is this film more engaging and well-made because of its reliance on moments that can be spoiled? If no, why is that not working? If yes, is that engagement coming at a cost or is it justified? Essentially, I’d like to feel that the criticism was either coming from a social angle or an artistic one. And if that were the case I think i’d have less of an issue with it. Just saying “people are dumb for caring about spoilers” is silly. Maybe it’s dumb, but that’s not the point. People will consume media however they want to and if they want to care about spoilers then they have a right to care. You guys aren’t wrong if you think marvel shit is stupid and badly made, because art is subjective and no opinion on it is wrong. But other people also aren’t wrong for liking and caring about it, and being like ‘we should spoil it for them to teach them a lesson” is gross and totally unproductive. I know 99% of it is jokes but you gotta remember that some people have spent a very long time being very excited to see this movie and doing something that wrecks that for them is just mean and inconsiderate. It’s not about whether them feeling that way is stupid or not, because yeah, it’s stupid to be that invested in superhero movies. It’s about it not being cool to intentionally hurt someone just because you can. And the reason i don’t have a lot of tolerance for it is because I feel like saying “caring about spoilers is stupid” is a kneejerk, surface level attempt at media criticism and we can do better. I obviously care pretty deeply about the way we consume and criticize pop culture and i think it’s in everyone’s benefit to have more productive discourse about this stuff. No ill will towards my friends who are saying the things that i’m ragging on, i obviously don’t think it’s coming from a malicious place or anything-- this is just my read on the situation. Was gonna post this like two days ago but then decided someone would prob message me a spoiler because of it lol

[lovelylogans]

do not reblog

my best friend once (lovingly) described attempting to have a conversation about emotions with me was like pulling teeth.

so, ya know. this is gonna be awkward. i’m not good with emotions. fun fact, one of my early childhood memories of my parents trying to Teach Me Stuff (which was kinda rare to be so overt) was my mom saying she was upset, and asking me how i handled it. and i just said “i don’t talk about it! that makes me feel better!” so it’s been in progress like. a while. 

i don’t even know if i’ll post this. or post it and then immediately delete it. which i’ve done on here before, so. we’ll see.

i have anxiety. not traditionally, classically diagnosed, but two out of two doctors i’ve asked about symptoms of what i’ve called “the chest thing” during the past two years have said “that sounds like anxiety,” so that’s. that. set right out there. i don’t want to blame everything i say on the fact that i have anxiety, but it is a factor.

let me put this out there: i never expected to become a “big blog.”

like. the fact that i hit 500, let alone 2,000 followers is just bizarre to me. i realize i’m not, like, the biggest blog out there, but this is still. entirely unexpected. like i’ve had a couple blogs over the years, and the most i’ve ever hit was about 350 after three years, on a blog that’s now defunct. i figured i may as well post a few moodboards a day or so after i made the blog, joined a couple discords because some blogs were reblogging invite links. 

i just kinda kicked out a fic, figured i may as well make a blog, and maybe i’d write a few cool stories and get some comments and mess around on photoshop a bit. i’d heard about how friendly people in this fandom were, so i hoped, maybe, i’d get a friend, too.

i hopped onto tumblr to see that i’d gotten a message (a rare occurrence!) my follower count had boosted by forty, and my activity just absolutely skyrocketed.

thomas had reblogged not one but two of my moodboards.

i posted a christmas fic. i got on tumblr a few days later to see it’d been nominated for best fic of the year.

i think a solid mood for both of those events was what the fuck.

again. didn’t expect to be a big blog. didn’t expect any of it. and to me it was just... crazy. i’d really only written for huge fandoms (like, harry potter, doctor who, the 100, etc.) or tiny ones where it was me, one of my best friends, two other people, and a napkin. like. no in between. sanders sides was my first in between in a long, long time. i didn’t expect people to be asking about my taglist, i didn’t expect people to hop in my askbox, i didn’t expect people to ask about if i took prompts and i certainly didn’t expect to have upwards of twenty prompt fics. i didn’t expect people to tell me that i intimidated them, or that i had an audience, or to placed upon a pedestal (which. please no.) none of it was expected.

this is where the anxiety part kinda comes in.

i’ve written upwards of about twenty-five-ish fics for this fandom, nearing 100k words, which was a huge deal for me. still is. i’d been struggling with writer’s block, idea block, creativity block, what have you, for nearly two years. the fact that i could connect with these characters, come up with ideas (or get prompts to kickstart those ideas) was big to me. finally, i thought, i can reaccess this skill to get out how i’m feeling, to relax, to fill up my day by doing something semi-productive. and you guys liked them, too. which was, still is, such a gift, and i’m so grateful for it.

and, well, a bit of a thing. i’m going through some... other stuff, to put it in the vaguest terms possible, over the past life few months, something that i try and channel into my writing, something i try and keep my mind off of, see bad at emotions paragraph above.

there was a week, a few months back, where i was going through some of that stuff, where it was busy for school, and i was just not in the best place. i posted a fic, and figured i’d get some response to get my mind off it.

i didn’t.

i freaked the fuck out.

looking back, i absolutely see how i blew it out of proportion; everyone has their ups and downs with responses, and you guys are not at all obligated to respond and i shouldn’t feel like you have to, and it turned out fine anyway. you guys aren’t obligated to cater to my mindset; you should consume what you want to consume.

i know all that. i knew all that. and yet.

i sent a few messages to one of my best friends, at the time of the freakout, despairing about how i was a failure and no one would ever love my work, and a few other things, i forget. anxiety-fueled thinking, you get it.

dude, she sent me back, you realize you’re spiraling, right?

i grabbed my coat, put on some boots, and went for a two mile walk in the near-freezing rain at about midnight on a weekday. it helped calm me down. i got some of that schoolwork done. it helped calm me down. i realized how much i’d freaked out, realized part of it was anxiety fueled, and put away those emotions for later. again, see emotions disclaimer above. but they kept popping up, whenever a fic or post did slightly worse than my usual standards. (and also, hey, quick question, self, when did i get standards for posts? when did i become such a perfectionist, and can i please apply that to schoolwork???)

i know the idea of creation should be for the sake of creation, not for the response and appreciation you might get. it should be an entirely selfish thing, and i should be happy to put out a story that i’m proud of.

i. know. this.

so why do i keep looking at the notes, as if that’s the thing that matters here? why do i keep looking at other content creators, other bloggers, even, and comparing what i have to what they have? when did my thoughts turn from that’s such a cool concept! or that’s such a cute ask and response thing! to why don’t i have that? why didn’t i do that? why do i keep trying to find my worth by following the numbers of my own work? why do i think about posting something like this and feeling like it would be complaining and whining and whatever response i’d get would be disingenuous, but i look at others doing something similar and feel nothing but support and hoping that they feel better soon?

it started to feel like every little thing was irking me. i was starting to think meanly. i hate being mean, even thinking things that could be considered rude. i’d grit my teeth and roll my eyes at any ~fandom discourse,~ i’d scroll quickly by anything that i didn’t like in the slightest, i wasn’t having fun anymore. well, maybe i was, but a lot less than i did before. i felt... angry, basically. annoyed, frustrated, whichever. i was starting to fixate, and i knew i was starting to fixate. but it was on things i didn’t want to fixate on.

i was watching a video recently, and they said something along the lines of the people who only watch the numbers, they’re just unhappy. my first thought upon hearing that was well, yeah. but how do i fix it?

the answer is, i don’t really know. really mostly it’s just... taking a step back to figure that out. there’s no easy fix for what’s going in my life atm. so we’ll see how that goes. i’ll start putting stuff in queue, fanart and gifs and text posts and the like, but posting to a lesser extent than i was before. i’m probably gonna work mostly on big bang, but maybe a couple of littler fics will pop out of the framework, when i’m ready, when i have an idea and the drive.

i still love to write. i really love these characters. i love where the plot of sanders sides is going, as well as thomas’ other content. fanders have been nothing but supportive for me. i’m excited for the works i have planned, and i want my response to them being posted as an it’s up! i’m proud of myself for getting this done! i think i executed this idea to the best of my ability and i have grown as a writer! rather than it’s up! i want positive feedback nOW! if it gets less than x notes then i am a failure and this was a horrible idea!

i wanted to close this one out by saying this is, entirely, a me situation. do not feel guilty for not consuming/enjoying/reblogging/commenting on my work. that is your choice. no matter how entitled a creator might feel to it, it is your choice. sure, it would be nice, as i’m sure most authors would agree! but it is NOT anyone’s fault that i’m feeling this way. it’s my brain and my head and my weird emotions. you guys did nothing wrong. it’s just something that some creators struggle with, and apparently now it’s my turn.

i’m not blaming anyone (other than myself) and i don’t want it to sound like i am. you guys are fantastic, truly and really wonderful, and i want to be sure that i can provide fun things for you guys (again, that you have the choice to consume or not!) while enjoying myself too! 

again, please, do not reblog.

also, uh, this is going up hopefully by the time i’m asleep so i don’t chicken out and delete it, so, you know.

#my post #text #not ts #uhh #anxiety stuff tw #i talk about how i'm struggling with some fandom stuff #so if that's a topic you want to avoid please avoid it! take care of yourself! #do not reblog #long post

[dduane]

on the topic of lying in the Speech, let's say you had to do something like - hide important medicine from Space Fascists. Could you lie in the Speech in that context, or would it just be better to make it so that you never had to lie at all? (i.e. you don't have the important medicine on your ship, because you hid it in an alternate dimension in your pocket. which is a bit disingenuous, but people's lives are at stake.)

Mmm, well, some data is missing before I lay out the options.

Do the Space Fascists know you’re a wizard? How do they know? Are they using the Speech as a lingua franca (many species do) or is one of them a wizard and capable of understanding the circles you’re shortly about to start running around the nonwizards? (Unpleasant to consider, but not entirely impossible.) Etc.

The nature of the Speech, as a tool used as the descriptor of physical (at the very least) reality in the universe, makes it very difficult, indeed well nigh impossible, to knowingly make a declarative statement in the Speech that is an inaccurate description of reality. So if you are being forced to use the Speech to be understood – and the lingua franca / “language of discourse” situation is probably the most common one that would bring this problem on – unless you don’t mind repeatedly starting sentences you can’t finish, which will in itself be an indicator of what’s going on, your best refuge is creative phrasing.

“Where is the important medicine?”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” (Because unless you’re inside their heads you can’t be SURE, can you? And jeez, why would you want to get into the heads of Space Fascists, you’d need all the brain bleach there ever was afterwards.) Or: “Are you sure you want to be asking me that?” (Because you’d love them to be thinking there’s something much more important to be asking.) Or: “I really can’t say for sure.” (Because you shoved it in your otherspace pocket and left the gravity turned off and it’s just floating around in there and you couldn’t even take a good guess at its coordinates right now. Come to think of it, you couldn’t even if the gravity was on, because imposing a coordinate system on the insides of an otherspace pocket is full of imponderables, depending on whether you’re moving and whether you’re in a vehicle and it’s moving and how fast the spacetime around you is moving, because of course it moves too, and and and…)  Or, at the more daring end, “What important medicine?” Forcing them to waste time describing it while you think of some other way to get out of this. And of course if they describe it at all inaccurately you get to toy with them some more.

…Or or or. Your job is to not allow yourself to be forced into a situation where you have to respond in some way that’s not true. Being disingenuous is entirely OK in this context. Which is why dealing with a wizard who doesn’t want to give you a straight (ahem) answer routinely triggers other responses from the hapless victims, such as (a) giving up and going away cussing up a blue streak (optimal) or (b) attempting physical violence or other compulsion (which can be challenging as the annoyed wizard might just, if they adjudged the response necessary, blast you to powder. Suboptimal but sometimes unfortunately the kind of response that being a wizard entails, because otherwise people will get the idea that they can push wizards around. And doubtless you as a wizard will be so sorry about it afterwards, but that won’t do the Space Fascists much good after the fact. Except insofar as between lives – assuming they’re a member of a species that handles things this way – they get to spend a while sitting on the Universal Naughty Step and Thinking About What They’ve Done).

Anyway, much more could be said about this, but I’m about ready to crash out fot the night. Hope this helps! :)

#young wizards meta #the Speech