#anyway. ANYWAY. i can FINALLY do this rant publicly because this project had to stay secret until today but now it can be public | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nyrator · 3 years

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Random updatess

Been in a weird spot mentally, lately...

I think it’s safe to say I’ve been single again for a long while, but lots of concerning stuff related to that has been going on which has me concerned- not much I should probably say publicly, but nothing I can really do about it except suppress my anxiety over it and hope for the best. People are complicated and impossible to understand.

Or maybe I should speak up about it a bit, since he’s gone and nothing really holding me back, but it’s a weird and long-going situation. In short, I’m not comfortable around people and am an extreme introvert, but he was someone who really latched onto me.. but he couldn’t stop needing me even after we stopped being together, a dependency in my eyes but maybe I was just assuming, and I had to force space between us in hopes he’d stop focusing on me so much. Too kind, too overbearing. Seems it worked, and now he’s almost completely vanished from everything before I could start up communication again. Maybe he just removed himself from anything that reminds him of me, or maybe it’s a sign of something worse. He has a lot of things he’s dealing with I can’t help with, and all I can do is just hope for the best I guess. But ultimately, I don’t think we were healthy for each other. I still consider him a great person, at least, and it’d be nice if we could have a semi-normal connection sometime in the future still.

I did get the RN site off of him before he vanished a few days ago, which was kind of him (he made it and paid for it, but I’m paying for it now), neither me nor any of our other friends have heard from him since. We’re apart, and he doesn’t owe me anything, but it would be nice if he communicated what he was doing and why with people more. Guess all we can do is see.

Anyway, I guess that’s enough about that. I know too many people with tough lives that weigh my own heart down too much.

In other news, I’ve been dealing with my “complex” again too much. Complex, personal issue, childhood trauma, whatever it is. It’s bothering me a strong amount, but I know most of it is in my head- I just can’t escape reminders of it. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it in detail in public, either. I’m starting to express it in RN, but I have fears that I’ll end up repulsing and alienating people around me because of it- like it’s sullying anything I involve it in.

It’s linked very much to self-hatred, my depression, and a lot of things in my life in general- and I’m given constant reminders of it from the moment I wake up, it’s controlling me, it feels like, and I don’t know how to cope with it properly. I have a private vent Twitter dedicated to venting about it at this point, but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping at all.

Otherwise- Life is dreadfully uneventful. I started playing No More Heroes to kill time- beat the first game again 100% on Bitter, and beat the second game on Bitter as well (didn’t do that boss rush mode or unlock Special in BJ5 game, though). First game is much better than the second game, by far. I’ll have to get back into TSA and then 3 someday, took a break to draw some Lave in pajamas.

I really like sleep aesthetics, but my complex is so interwoven with that too that I feel like it’s corrupting it. But Lave’s an autobiographical-ish character, after all, so I guess it’s okay to have it woven into them as well- I still feel like it’s going to drive people away from liking them, though, and probably fairly so.

Still haven’t even tried looking for a job, and I haven’t been moving much at all lately- treadmill’s just collecting dust. Only today did I finally get rid of about half of my mother’s things, and only because there’s an inspection on Friday and I’m embarrassed by how packed all this junk still is. It wasn’t a far or even stressful of a drive to the donation bin (it’s right by my grocery store), but my nerves still almost made me wet myself again. I can’t stand it. Part of me wants to drive my friends to an arcade for my birthday and see if I can better adjust, but that’s almost three hours away, there’s no way I can see myself making it reasonably.

It’s really hard, living without drive or purpose. I still have no urge to work on any of my projects at all, it’s like I’ve completely given up on myself to do anything.

It’s really nice hearing from friends on here from time to time, even if I do nothing to show my appreciation or make an effort to return the feeling. Tumblr’s been pretty inactive for me, but there’s still some familiar faces I always like seeing.

I really don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have no energy to do anything nor any real reason to feel a need to. I can’t even keep the apartment clean from my cats, or stay on top of garbage or laundry.

The one thing I want to do is practice talking more and maybe stream, but it feels like a dead end, honestly. I want to train my voice to be more professional and to a certain standard I have for it that I’m not even sure I can reach, but I have no real way of practicing. Maybe get some nicer clothes as well, but I don’t even go anywhere. I just feel weird with how I dress and worry about embarrassing my friends by being seen with me or something, as silly as it is.

I apologize for the depressing Ny-rant-y stuffs, just one of those kinds of times lately. I haven’t had anywhere to vent lately, and I don’t want to keep bottling it all up, either.

#text stuffs #nyrants #a bit of a negative feel-y mood one again I apologize

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skullsandwineglasses · 4 years

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To Dear Myself Review/Rant

If you’ve had the patience to watch all 45 episodes until the end, then you probably know what I’m going to talk about in this review. I feel like it’s pretty unanimous that the ending was awful.

It’s a slow burn slice-of-life drama. I don’t normally watch these types of dramas and instead go for the ones that are fantastical and far away from reality so that I can completely get lost in another world. But Liu Shishi and Zhu Yilong are familiar faces, and I’m more likely to start a bad drama with familiar actors than a good drama with unfamiliar actors, because I’m basic and want to invest as little attention and mental effort as possible (it takes work to warm up to new faces).

The drama started off promising: it introduced obstacles that normal couples and families would face. Obstacles like money, social class, infidelity, unemployment, workplace competition, the value and desirability of “aging” women who prioritize work over love. It was relatable, even though some of these are unfamiliar experiences for me, a psychology grad student in her mid-20s. I didn’t expect this drama to be inspiring. I didn’t want this drama to be inspiring. But I wanted it to be at least logical, if not realistic. The drama seemed to promise reality though, which I held out hope for, but instead it butchered the character arc for most of the leads.

[spoilers ahead]

The devolution of Li Si Yu and Chen Yi Ming’s relationship was laughable.

LSY is afraid of marriage, while CYM believes that the ultimate goal in life is to get married and have a family. They don’t see eye to eye on this, and so the pressure causes them to break up. I respect this. It’s a common problem: you can’t really move forward when one isn’t ready to settle down, and the other isn’t willing to wait or support them. CYM is portrayed as a calm, composed, and morally upright person who feels uncomfortable when LSY makes a questionable decision. But CYM is also a hypocritical person who suppresses his feelings. Whenever he’s displeased, he acts as thought everything is fine until he can’t hide it anymore and explodes with unbidden rage. He punches the roof of the car, he slams the desk. It’s a little scary tbh. LSY is portrayed as a passionate and impulsive career-driven woman. She has to make tough decisions, and you understand why she makes them. Whenever she’s unhappy, she’ll let you know. The drama seems to set up a character development arc for these two flawed characters.

LSY starts her own company, but then fails, and ends up learning that while it’s important to fight for what you believe in, but you shouldn’t be too caught up in whether your fail or succeed. It’s the classic “it’s about the journey, not the destination” kind of lesson.

After a bout of heartbreak, CYM is swept off his feet by the manipulative Wang Ziru. She lies to him, evades him, controls him. At this point in the drama, we think that LSY is better off without him because he seemed to have moved on so swiftly. CYM and WZR seem to have a calmer relationship than the one he had with LSY. They never argue. We see that he’s easily attracted to confident, powerful women, but expects them to settle down with him when they’re not ready. For a third of the drama, he’s happily in love with WZR and doesn’t think about or interact with LSY (except when he comes to her office to tell her to shut her company “for her own good”). It looks like he completely moved on.

LSY on the other hand, misses him. She’s always looking at the only picture that she’s saved of them together. She still loves him.

I liked that they introduced Guan Xiao Tong as a potential love interest for LSY. Despite being over a decade younger than LSY and constantly being looked down by her because of this, I thought he was quite mature. I also liked how LSY wasn’t “moved” by him. The typical drama would have her eventually reciprocate his feelings and make him her rebound. Yes, she was amused by him, but she knew that he wouldn’t grow up fast enough with her, and so she never led him on. It made their relationship wholesome. Even though LSY wasn’t attracted to him, I liked how the drama normalized a potential may/december relationship between a woman and man. Though I don’t think I can forgive the drama was making him disappear so abruptly after he found out that his dad was struggling financially. Maybe the drama implied that GXT was too busy “growing up” by helping with his dad’s business so his relationship with LSY came to an end and that he was no longer relevant to drama, but that wasn’t made clear at all.

Zhi Zhi also stopped appearing after the 3rd last episode of the drama when she decided not to marry the misogynistic Su Li Xing and to instead stay in Shanghai for her career, which also implied that there could be a chance for her and Liu Yang to get back together (their storyline is a whole other can of worms, but I have to admit that no other drama, movie, or book has made me cry as hard as Zhi Zhi confronting the mistress and then getting publicly slapped by her husband. Not sure if it was the drama itself that had the power to move me, or if it was because I watched that scene at 3am on a Thursday, or because it reminded me of some personal experiences, but either way, I sobbed hella hard that night).

But back to LSY and CYM. In the last 2 episodes of the drama, they start appearing together in scenes again. There are some unresolved emotions. There is still attraction. Nervous, longing, awkward glances. After nearly 20 episodes of believing that a reconciliation is impossible, you start wondering if the drama is hinting that they’re gonna force them back together in the last 2 episodes. CYM sells his apartment to support LSY’s project. Haowen tells LSY that CYM still calls out her name when he’s drunk (although it’s still unclear if this was just a gimmick to distract her to sign the sale agreement).

CYM can’t give WZR a straight answer about whether or not he still loves LSY. He punches Gong Jing in the face for cheating LSY out of her shares.

And even after all this, guess what happens? He confronts WZR. She tells him she lied to him to help him preserve his dignity. She tells him she had to do underhanded, unethical things in order to save the livelihood of an entire company that she’s responsible for. He’s moved. He’s grateful for her thoughtfulness towards him. He stands by her. He chooses her.

I mean, what? Does he really love her that much that he’s willing to look past everything she’s done? All the crimes and hurt she’s committed? I don’t need to him to get back together with LSY. I don’t want them to. I think he’s a terrible character who believes that happiness and fulfilment only comes form finding a woman who’s willing to let him love and dote on her. But this decision just doesn’t match the morally upright character we’ve been sold with at the beginning of the drama. LSY only made one morally questionable decision, of which she apologized for, and yet CYM was already questioning whether or not they should continue their relationship because he felt like they were going different ways. And yet he forgives WZR? Because he loves her? But? What about those ambiguous, uncomfortable faces he made when he was with her? Like that scene when he helped take off her coat before she went into the awards ceremony, and he stood back, leaning by the door, staring off into the distance looking sad and regretful?? What are we supposed to make of those scenes and expressions? I probably shouldn’t victim blame, especially since WZR created an uneven power dynamic in their (lowkey toxic) relationship, but I’m just not sure what the scriptwriter was trying to do with this plotline. It felt like they were condoning WZR’s behaviour (despite saying she was arrested in a voiceover) because CYM forgave her. Or were they condemning CYM’s passiveness? Again, not clear.

And then the final scene with the women marching on happy and hopeful, and then men staring out onto the city skyline looking lost and depressed? Female empowerment is great, and it was nice that they were all single at the end (except for Xiao Ling, I guess), but was it really necessary to tear men down to emphasize this? But then again, the drama kind of had to since they wrote shitty male characters. I just dislike creating the winner/loser dichotomy.

I respect that Liu Yang is working his way towards forgiveness and has found what he’s passionate about. But I don’t know if he’s forgivable, because what he did was pretty unforgivable, but he’s showing growth and is working towards redemption, which is somewhat admirable.

Haowen went from being the most level-headed one to becoming the most impulsive and obsessive one.

CYM is just blank. Absolutely blank. There is nothing interesting about him. At first you pity him for being the one who’s always chasing after LSY and being the one to give in first for the sake of the relationship, but then you realize that he’s just trying to mold himself into what he thinks is the “ideal” boyfriend, which he thinks is someone who is able to succeed without the help of his girlfriend. He thinks it’s weak to rely on the help of his girlfriends, which is ironic since most of the career moves he made in the drama were directly because of his girlfriends.

Anyway, I could just go on about how much I didn’t enjoy this drama, and other people on youtube and mydramalist have ranted more eloquently about this. I usually don’t write drama reviews unless there’s something I’m deeply unhappy about.

My recommendation? Don’t watch this. But if you’re curious, don’t be afraid to jump and skip scenes. There are no likable characters. Even Zhi Zhi doesn’t start to become likable until she decides to leave her husband. Is this a feminist drama? Yes to the extent that it normalizes women in their 30s who are single and career-driven (which is a pretty big deal in China where unmarried women over 25/27 are considered “leftover” women), but I’m just not sure whether the plot does justice to these women. The verdict is still out on that. Thoughts?

Oh and one final qualm that I have with this drama is the LSY and WZR never had a final face-to-face confrontation. After everything that WZR did to LSY, LSY never got to interrogate WZR. WZR could have even gave LSY some final parting words. Instead, CYM took LSY’s place and the drama made it seem that WZR was only answerable to him and no one else. There was just absolutely no closure from this messy, messy drama.

#to dear myself #亲爱的自己 #朱一龙 #cdrama #zhu yilong #liu shishi #qin ai de zi ji #crdama review #陈一鸣 #chen yi ming

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graceunderstrain · 7 years

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Good Boy Part 35

There’s going to be non-Disney Channel language in this chapter, aka swearing.

Sorry for the delay, had to try writing this a couple of times before it came out half way decent.

Story so far: http://graceunderstrain.tumblr.com/post/154796607914/good-boy-links

“I think we should play a different game now,” Evie smiled sweetly, “Two Truths and A Lie.”

Jay and Mal quickly voiced their enthusiasm as the potion should be kicking in any time but Jim seemed to hesitate.

“When exactly are Ben and Doug getting here?” Jim inquired.

“What are you scared you’re going to lose?” Jay challenged. Jim always seemed to be on his case, maybe turning the tables.

“Not really, I rarely lose. Most people don’t have what it takes to win,” Jim responded calmly as he sat, indicating that Carlos should sit next to him with a pat.

Evie, Mal, and Jay exchanged a look was that an honest answer or just bluster? They quickly arranged themselves on the floor, Mal sitting directly across from Jim; Jay between Carlos and Mal; and Evie next to Jim. Mal had magicked her phone invisible to others and attached it to her jacket. She pretended to dust some lint off of her lapel, as she pushed the button to record.

“Everyone knows the rules, right? Tell three statements, one of which is a lie. Everyone else gets to ask you one follow up question to try and figure out the lie and then we all vote. Whoever identifies the most lies wins. I’ll start and then we go to the left,” Evie stated. Once everyone had nodded in agreement she continued: “I learned how to sew when I was five years old. I hate the sound of knuckles being cracked. I am in the process of patenting a chemical dye I invented.”

Evie’s tone never wavered and she looked evenly ahead the entire time she spoke, though Jay didn’t really care he just wanted to ask Jim some questions. He really hoped the truth would set them free, as the Fairy Godmother was always saying. It seemed much more likely that while Jay’s suspicions might publicly be confirmed, Jim seemed like the type who could slip out of any situation- just like his father had.

Jay suddenly noticed everyone was looking at him when Mal gave him a quick jab in the side.

“Uhh… Evie, if you hate hearing knuckles being cracked why don’t you get annoyed when Mal and I do it?” Jay asked.

“If I did, wouldn’t you both do it more often?” Evie answered him with her own question.

Jay was pretty positive he’d caught the lie. While what Evie had said made sense, revealing her dislike now would carry the same risk as telling them earlier.

“What was your first sewing project?” Mal queried.

“An apron, so I wouldn’t mess up my outfits while learning to cook.”

After a few seconds consideration, Mal called for a vote. Everyone raised their hand for statement number two and Evie confirmed they were correct. Jay felt tension build in his chest as they moved on to Jim. What if what he said hurt Carlos? What if Carlos chose to stay with Jim anyways? Jay took a quick breath to control himself so he could actually listen to what was being said.

Jim began, “Life has always been pretty boring though it’s been a bit more interesting since you four showed up.” He took a quick gulp from his cup, almost seeming to want to cut himself off from talking. “I have a twin sister, Alana, who is nothing like me. I can’t believe I’m related to anyone in my family actually.” Jim’s eyes seemed to widen a bit, and Jay suddenly wondered if this was the first real emotion he’d seen on the prince’s face. Jim took a bite of food as if to slow himself down. “I think something’s wrong with me.”

“Do you need to go to the nurse or something?” asked Carlos, his voice rising in concern.

“Well that was a waste of a question, wasn’t it?” Jim slapped away Carlos’s hand and the smaller boy retreated a bit,”I don’t want to go to the nurse.The last thing I need is to be around an adult right now. I must be drunk or something. Stuff is just slipping out, but I can still beat you four at this game.”

Carlos darted a pleading look at Jay, obviously wanting his friend to call off the game. Jay couldn’t though, it seemed like Jim was honest as h was going to get and Jay wasn’t going to waste time seeing how long the serum lasted.

Trying to act as if the game was still fun, Jay asked the question that had popped into his mind as soon as Jim had started talking, “You said life got interesting when we arrived. Why?”

“Come on look around you- this is happily ever after. Everyone’s so nice, so happy. There’s no challenge to manipulating them. Sure I can make Punzie cry but a few minutes later she’ll just ask her parents if she’s really all that bad and she’ll be back to her perky self. You four, on the other hand. You put all this armor up. Usually, I know what makes someone tick right after we meet, not so with you VKs. The best part is once I really looked though, there was so much there. Underneath it all you all, are so damaged and frightened. You especially, C.” Jay felt his temper rise at someone outside of their friend group using the nick name, “You wouldn’t go crying to someone if bad stuff happened. I could finally do things that the adults would get me in trouble for but you wouldn’t complain. Even now I know you hate me saying this to your friends, but you won’t tell me to stop. Will you?”

“But I will. Stop it,” Jay interrupted. Jim seemed a bit disorientated and actually did shut up. “Carlos, are you ok?”

Carlos looked up from his lap. He seemed to be keeping a hold of himself. “What is going on?” Carlos directed his question at the four.

“We want to get to the bottom of what’s going on between you and Jim,” Jay said. They probably should have let Carlos know all along, “We, well, I think Jim’s been twisting the truth. Saying things are your fault even though it isn’t.”

“Well, it really is Carlos’s fault,” Jim said, using the same tone with which someone might comment on the weather. “He has all these feelings. He is weak. You’d think a villain’s son would have discovered the secret.”

“What secret?” Mal asked, her eyes a threatening neon green.

“It’s all pretend. You only have to act like you care, so to keep all the idiots around you from realizing that if they too stopped caring, they could actually live for once. Once you can get someone to like you, then you can get whatever you want If you really care about what they think, then you give all your power away. I’m in control because I don’t let the stupid rules and emotions get in the way.”

“Screw you, Jim,” Carlos said angrily. “What in Hades name made you more fucked up than us?”

Jim laughed, “Oh, normally I’d give some BS answer about the pressure of having to be the perfect prince.” His voice became overly pitiful as he impersonated the situation, “I’ve been really anxious lately. How will I ever measure up to my mommy and daddy? I worry no one will love me if I make even the tiniest mistake. It’s so hard. Alana never does anything wrong. Everyone likes her better.” His voice returned to Jim’s normal tone, “Honestly, I’ve always been this way. I’m lucky. I see the world how it really is.”

Jay struggled to remain seated. Violence on tape would mess up the whole blackmail situation. He glanced at Carlos who seemed at loss, unsure whether to remain angry or to forgive.

“Did you break Carlos’s arm?” Mal said. She was moving on to the list of prepared questions. Motivations were all well and good but if they didn’t have a confession, it was just a rant.

“Yes.” Jim seemed a bit proud of this. “Still, don’t know why I am telling you any of this. Is it some kind of spell.”

Mal ignored him, asking, “ Why?”

“Because he wasn’t doing what I wanted, it was the only way to get my way.”

“It wasn’t an accident?” Carlos asked in surprise.

“Of course not.”

Jay tried to radiate comfort, unsure if he should touch Carlos or not.

“C,” he spoke softly as Mal continued her questions, “Is it ok we’re doing this?”

Carlos nodded.

“Do you want to go outside? We’ve got a long list of questions but you don’t have to hear it all. We can leave. I’ll go with you. The girls can handle themselves.”

Carlos considered for a moment before nodding. Jay and Carlos got to their feet. Jim barely seemed to notice the difference, the spell description had said the serum caused the victim to be unable to focus on multiple things at once, as the distraction was counterproductive. Jay and Carlos walked down the corridor in silence, out of the dorms, and into a small, empty courtyard.

“What the hell, Jay,” Carlos hissed. “You couldn’t just leave it alone. Instead, you went to Mal and Evie and the three of you have some plan. You didn’t bother to ask me if I wanted any of this. Who cares about Carlos’ opinion! He’s too stupid and weak to notice his boyfriend is a psycho. We’ve got to go save him.”

“We didn’t mean it like that,” Jay protested.

“Well, you might not have meant to but seriously,” Carlos swore again. “ Do you think so little of me that you couldn’t let me in on it? You used magic, didn’t you? You think hearing all my pain’s going to change anything?”

Jay was unprepared for a sudden shove that sent him stumbling backward. When he regained his balance, Carlos was half slumped over.

“I didn’t mean to cause you pain,” Jay said unsure where to begin, “It’s just when we talked I felt like Jim had messed you up, that you couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t bear seeing you that way. You’re right, I should have told you our plan in advance.”

Carlos looked up at Jay. “You were right,” said Carlos sadly, “I’m living some big lie. I was willing to stay no matter what the cost. I couldn’t think for myself.”

Jay took a step forward, opening his arms if Carlos wanted a hug.

“I just wanted to be loved,” Carlos said in a small voice. “Maybe I knew something was wrong, but I thought- I thought if I loved him enough it would change. Like in the fairytales. True love can change anything. So dumb.”

“I don’t think it’s dumb. I just don’t think Jim wanted to change.”

“Yeah.” Carlos sat down on a nearby bench. Jay sat next to him, waiting for the younger boy to work through his thoughts. A few minutes late Carlos finally spoke again, “How’d I manage to find the one villain in Auradon?”

“At least you’re acknowledging there are other people out there besides, Jim. I’m sure the next person you date will be way better.”

“Yeah.”

The friends sat in silence for quite a while.

“I can’t do it anymore, not after what he said,” Carlos sighed. “I feel like a failure but it’s over, isn’t it?”

“Well, I don’t think you’re the one who failed,” Jay said. “But I get that you feel that way. I’m sorry you had to hear that crap.”

“What did you three do anyway?” Carlos finally asked.

“Gave him a truth serum. Mal’s also recording the whole thing- so we can,” Jay stopped himself, “So you can decide what you want to do with that.”

Carlos considered, “Show it to the Fairy Godmother, I guess. Maybe she can help him.”

Jay wanted to tell Carlos help was the last thing Jim deserved but Jay had made enough unilateral decision for one day.

“How come we’re all not spouting the truth?” Carlos asked, “We all ate and drank the same stuff.”

“The rest of us had an antidote beforehand.”

“Do you think I’m an idiot for believing in Jim?”

“No,” Jay said. “He’s clearly fooled a lot of people before you. I think the same thing could have happened to any of us.”

“Well, we’d better go back up and make sure the girls are doing ok,” Carlos said with a bit more confidence than earlier.

Jay nodded in agreement and they headed back together.

#jaylos #jay x carlos #disney descendants #descendants #fanfiction #fanfic

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zzpopzz · 7 years

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Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story* I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

#toumaki #tweetdump #rant #poopask

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lbwings · 7 years

Text

Birthday Confession

Qrow has tried often to find out Carmyne’s birthday with several failures. Finally Ozpin shots down his effort, thinking for good. But Qrow goes to the source to find out the real reason behind it.

Qrow circled in the air as his wings kept flapping the recent declaration replayed in his mind. Qrow was in Ozpin’s office after the event of Qrow being body flipped into the elevator. Ozpin wanted to make something very clear to Qrow; there would be no public birthday party for Carmyne, her birthday is never to be publicly acknowledged, she is not permited to leave the school grounds for several days before and following her birthday, and all time away from Beacon is limited. But the comment that finally pushed Qrow over the edge though was when Ozpin said, “The way things are right now Qrow I can not permit Carmyne to travel with you. Your next assignment will be a solo mission.”

Something bright red against the green of the grass and blue of the rivers caught Qrow’s attention. He buzzed the area to see Carmyne playing with the river’s edge. He turned back into a human fast enough to keep him momentum. “Carmyne!” Qrow began screaming as he stormed down the waterline.

“Huh?” Carmyne turned around confused with an eyebrow up. Qrow only called her by her actual name when his mad or annoyed about something.

“Do you hate your birthday?” Qrow screamed as he came up next to Carmyne. Carmyne was still confused as she took her feet out of the water. For a moment she just stared at Qrow before tilting her head. “Oz just gave me this line about dropping it because it is forbidden to even acknowledge that it happen or something,” Qrow ranted as he began to wave his arms like he was yelling at the sky.

Carmyne put her chin in her hand, “Huh. Wonder why he told he James than?”

“What?!” Qrow almost bellowed in Carmyne’s ear. “If you two didn’t want me snooping so bad you could have just said something!” Qrow almost started pouting as he crossed his arms.

“That hasn’t worked yet,” Carmyne said as she turned her head towards Qrow. Qrow almost growled under his breath. He turned around and began storming away from Carmyne. Just barely in the side of Qrow’s vision he saw the river water change colors to a soft red before what looked like a miniature gyser erupted releasing a water of bubbles in his path. After a moment of watching the specitcal Qrow felt a hand beginning to rub his back. He turned to see Carmyne looking a bit less confused but more curious now.“What did Oz actual tell you?” Carmyne wondered.

Qrow humped as he sat down. “Some crap about keeping a witch’s birthday secret and locking you away because of it,” Qrow ranted off quickly. He began swatting at the bubbles that came close.

Carmyne sat down next to Qrow and began playing with a few of the bubbles. “Well that is one of the witchy truths of the day,” Carmyne acknowledged before bouncing a bubble to Qrow.

“What is the real deal Bats?” Qrow asked before the bubble popped on his nose.

Carmyne rotated so they would be facing each other. “Why is this so important? Last time I tried talking about witchy stuff you got annoyed and had me drop it,” Carmyne ask as she stretched her legs out. Qrow put his arm over her legs as he leaned back.

“I’m stubborn!” Qrow declared. Carmyne poked his side with her knee. “You celebrated this little black bird. My little witchy is going to party,” Qrow tried to mutter under his breath as his lip was up.

Carmyne looked upset for a moment as though something went wrong with a project. She shifted her weight around quickly, leaned on Qrow and kissed his forehead. Qrow smirked as she positioned herself across his chest. “Well there are three witchy truths about my birthday. First something happened to me when I was young and I never had my witch awakening,” Carmyne began while holding up the appropriate number of fingers.

“What happened?” Qrow asked as he pulled his knees for a back brace.

“Not sure. I haven’t really been able to piece that together yet. But without the awaken I need to stay in my element during the witching hour on my birthday,” Carmyne explained what she could.

“Witching hour? Seriously?” Qrow complained as he rolled his eyes and his head.

“Yeah. Some nuts thought the most evil magic was done between 3 and 4 am and declared it the witching hour. In my experience the only people up at that time are insomniacs. Nothing truly good or evil there,” Carmyne equally complained.

“Know that feeling,” Qrow tried to mutter again.

“Regardless the crazy stuff happens then so I have to stay locked up for an hour. Afterwards I get to be whole for another year. Second witchy thing is that if you know another witch’s birthday you can curse them. Another old belief but at least that one makes a little sense,” Carmyne conceded.

“Acts like a conjure component?” Qrow wondered.

“You are learning! Smart birdie,” Carmyne boasted with a grin. “And finally ‘special’ witches don’t get birthdays celebrated because they are supposed to be looked upon as special beings all year long,” Carmyne did not even try to hide the bitter tones when saying this rule.

“Not human?” Qrow questioned.

“Right again,” Carmyne almost cheers as she pats his chest.

Qrow did not even try to hide his grumbling as his head rotated around. Carmyne had seen this level of annoyance when he tried dealing with city or town officials. That or someone told them they were running out of liquor already. His head stopped moving for a moment. Carmyne could see he was trying to think of something. His eyes came back to her. “Wait did anyone celebrate your birthday?” Qrow wondered.

It was such a heavy sigh that came out Carmyne Qrow’s shoulder shot up as though she yelled at him. She closed her eyes for a few minutes as though she was trying to debate something. “If you want the honest answer is several men in my life did what they could,” Carmyne finally said before glancing up. Qrow leaned his head down into her view trying to encourage her to keep talking or pester her into talking. “I was considered a stillborn since I didn’t have a heartbeat at birth but when my dad put me the water I started crying. He said that is when I came alive,” Carmyne explained.

“You’re actual a stillborn baby?” Qrow asked with eyes that could out do any sad puppy.

“Not sure anymore and no one left to ask. But regardless being the last of triplets my mother made sure I wasn’t allowed in the house on their birthday. My dad always slipped out to bring his special little girl a cupcake. Next my future husband and brother-in-law would sneak me food on my birthday and after we left home brother cast an illusion with his semblance so could actual have a cake. Later in life we just began using cake to celebrate that we made it through something that way no one could say when my birthday was. That my dear little black birdie is the life a ‘special’ or marked witch,” Carmyne explained. “Being cursed just means I doubled down,” Carmyne almost smirked at the explanation.

Qrow had trouble accepting everything he just heard. Part of him wanted to deny every hearing some of it and the fact that it was engrained into Carmyne now that she could end such a description with a smirk. The last few ripped whatever air or feeling was inside Qrow completely out. All he could do at the moment was gasp. A small motion caught his eye, there was still another bubble floating around. It must have been there the entire conversation. He watched it float close to Carmyne but it ended up popping before it reached her. “Oz missed his chance!” Qrow declared as he stood up lifting Carmyne with him. Carmyne almost squealed in confusion as she was balanced in one arm. “You said the men in your life found a way and if Oz gave up than it is my turn! I’m your partner now so we’re doing something,” Qrow declared as he put Carmyne down.

“What? No,” were the only things that came to Carmyne’s mind.

“Yes we are! There’s a secret basement and a school load full of people. Got to be a way to smuggle in some birthday supplies,” Qrow began formulating a plan.

Carmyne pushed his arm, “Qrow. Stop your scheming.”

Qrow looked the woman slightly smaller than him now almost holding onto his arm. “Nope,” Qrow replied with a smirk.

“Qrow,” Carmyne almost sang her drug out the disapproving version of his name.

“Never gonna happen,” Qrow teased as he knew what that tone meant. He touched his forehead to her forehead after the banter. The pair began moving. He stopped for a moment. “When is your birthday anyway?” Qrow asked. Carmyne broke out laughing as she collided with him. She wrapped around Qrow’s side. “Come on Bats tell me!” Qrow continued baited as he wraps an arm around her pulling her closer for poking and prodding as they start walking.

#my story #my stories #oc #carmyne l. byrch #qrow branwen #qrow #the birthday stories

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