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ssj4 · 5 years

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Sorry to bother you, but I keep seeing posts about a future Goten AU and I keep getting really curious! However, when I try to find links to anything about it I end up at some abandoned URLs.

SECOND TIME TRYING TO ANSWER THIS CAUSE MY IDIOT ASS FORGOT I HAD ONE TYPED OUT AND CLOSED EVERYTHING :)

some disclaimers im getting most of this from an old draft i had written about the au, i havent watched the specific scenes in dbz and dbs that these are based on in well over 2+ years so i dont remember the timeline of events that well so im sorry if some of it just straight up doesnt make sense lol

this whole thing did start out as an excuse to replace the romantic scenes with mai in dbs with goten actually so the truten themes are pretty significant but that aside future goten is a very good boy with a much different personality and outlook on things… much like how future trunks is compared to his main timeline counterpart :3c the whole thing was developed by me and my gf together and we never rly posted too much about it and the broken links you did end up finding were probably from like the one or two times we did but here u go im glad u asked

I HOPE THE READ MORE LINK WORKS ON MOBILE IF NOT IM SORRY

the big change is it starts out with chi chi getting pregnant before goku dies of heart disease or whatever in the android saga instead of the cell saga, so even after he dies in that timeline she still has their 2nd son and he grows up in the future timeline with trunks.

when they were kids (like 10-15) goten was stronger than trunks just bc gohan and chi chi were there to teach him just a little bit. trunks and goten sparred a lot though so he was able to keep up but never really passed him. (that part isnt really important but i figured it was a nice detail that made sense)

thats when history of trunks comes into play, and they both get really serious about gohan training them. the scene in the movie where gohan knocks trunks out before flying off and getting killed is the same except now he just knocks out 2 kids instead of 1 i guess.

i feel i gotta add that this au was created when the future trunks arc in dbs was airing, and mai was introduced as his love interest, and honestly in my opinion the scenes were written really well but i just wasnt digging the fact that before she was granted a younger appearance she was already middle aged, like she was old enough to be his mom if that makes sense. so it really isnt a dig on mai at all cause i love her and id die for her its just the romantic plot that i didnt like. so when that was airing i thought “WELL what if that was someone else”

she’s still with them though in this timeline and she still has her younger appearance!

the future timeline is still progressing the same as it did in canon, the androids still wrecked the place and no one was strong enough to do much about it so trunks is still set up with a time machine to meet with the other timeline. goten stays back and does his best to protect everyone while hes gone just in case

some stuff happens in between here but skip ahead to trunks coming back from the trip after the cell games i guess! lots of stuff happened obviously like trunks literally dying, spending years in the time chamber with his dad, meeting a whole gaggle of clowns that he’d only heard stories about, seeing gohan as a preteen. hes got a lot of stuff to share!!! now hes back and he can take care of the androids + cell + and goten can catch up and lifes pretty good over there! 😇

during the rebuilding period goten would spend a lot of time with chi-chi and ox-king and still slept over there occasionally which she really appreciated, and he invited trunks and bulma over there with him frequently.

despite this he wasnt present when she died as no one really expected goku black to wipe out the landscape so far from the city, but she and ox-king died along with more than half of the population. (ugh god im so sorry queen i love you😓)

as i said before mai is still here and she’s still the leader of the resistance!

events of future bulmas death is the same as well as mai originally intending to go with trunks when they meet up together in an abandoned building. goten is already there as the three of them rest up a bit and start making their way to capsule corp. goten was planning on staying behind anyways but he wanted to see the two of them off. when goku black interrupts them as they arrive, trunks and goten encourage mai to escape, seeing as she only has a gun and everyone already knows bullets arent gonna work.

this scene is the same as it was in canon, where trunks tries to rush black but gets beaten quickly. mai trying to buy him time to let him escape is replaced with goten actually fighting him and taking a hit for trunks but getting knocked out as mai did. trunks under extreme stress from already losing his mom today assumes hes dead instantly, (he has dumb bitch disease, he didnt even check for a pulse in canon!🤔) and fires a masenko to escape into capsule on his own

after trunks pops back in time and black is focused on searching for him, mai sneaks back in to retrieve goten (even though they told her to leave she really just ducked behind some rubble and stayed close, because she wasnt just gonna leave them!)

she takes him back to an underground bunker with other members of earths resistance and when he wakes up she tells him that trunks made it to the time machine and that hes presumably in the other timeline now.

idk if yall remember it well but i rewatched some of the episodes just for this, and trunks in the main timeline believing goten was killed and mai is alone and he wont be able to get back is so sad. and when he spent that day with gohan and his family and cried thinking about how if black hadn’t have shown up, he couldve had a family too… he doesnt deserve to be this sad 😥

skip to when he’s finally able to get back home with goku and vegeta with him and they make their way to the bunker where he sees mai and goten together! the scene in canon where he rushes over and starts spilling his heart out is the same, with him telling goten he thought he died

they get a really sweet hug moment here when theyre both happy to see the other is still safe and it gives both goku and vegeta some Food For Thought, because goku actually didnt know there was a goten in this timeline, and he doesnt really recognize him at first. vegeta has the idea in his head that this is probably goten.

goten never really had any sort of real attachment to his dad. it makes sense hes never met him, hes only ever really heard about him through others, (his mom, his brother, trunks, and probably bulma has mentioned him as well) so he definitely knows OF him its just that, he doesnt know him. so when he sees the real goku standing there for once a lot of thoughts run though his mind, like, “that looks A LOT like goku black!” “thats definitely my old hairstyle” and “holy shit is that my dad?” but the first thing he actually says out loud is “Holy shit its goku orange” and vegeta really almost loses it because cause any doubt in his mind about this kid being related to kakarot just went right out the window cause only someone related to him would say that

and as you probably know a lot happens after that with them all finding a way to defeat zamasu but i dont want to include all of the rest when you can probably just interpret which scenes were changed

ANYWAYS now instead of trunks surviving the apocalypse its trunks and goten surviving the apocalypse. thats why its not a really super romantic deal like Who has time for dates when goku black Might possibly be hiding in this abandoned olive garden?? so theyre just very close and privately affectionate

the ending where trunks and mai get to live in a new world with their counterparts is the same except gotens there with them of course, dbs left their ending pretty open

so that takes care of the story changes, heres some additional details and information on gotens character in this au!

heres his design, drawn by my girlfriend @ssj2 uwu !!

he kept his natural hairstyle for a while, but i think he changed it sometime during the rebuilding period after the androids and just let it grow out a bunch. up until then he kept his natural style purely to honor the guy he’s heard so fondly of even if it brought him a lot of mixed feelings when people said he looks just like him. a really distinct feature about his new hairstyle is that the spikes look like horns and i love that a lot !!

and the shawl he wears was the same one chi chi wore

some personality traits for future goten is that he has a habit of bottling up his negative emotions and has trouble taking care of himself, as hes always more focused on the well being of his loved ones. he can be mischievous and cocky but hes not overconfident (or he hasnt been since gohans death) however in some situations he can be charismatic and assertive which works really well imowhen their timeline is erased and theyre temporarily in the main timeline, goten gets to meet a bunch of people like gohan and his family, chi chi, and even his counterpart

sorry if this post was messy i wasnt really sure how i wanted to make it look and im kinda bad at dumping information out so if any of its confusing just redirect me to it and ill try again gdjfksjdgsfk 😭❤

hmmm anyways thank u for reading!! its an au we made years ago and we love a lot and i hope u do too! be nice pls!! and send asks about it if you’d like cause its fun to think about!

#future goten au #goten #trunks #truten #i GUESS. im shy #long post #made an edit cause i rewatched the android saga a few days ago and i forgot trunks fucking died lol #tumblr stop deleting my tags challenge

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hotdadlicense · 5 years

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ahh for my dearest zhenya @fapfapfashion lover! heres that bfu post i said id make for you like monnnnnths ago i PROMISE i never forgot! just :(:( life. but anyway this was FUN i love youuuu! disclaimer: im not rly in the fandom this is all stuff i see through like just some friends reblogging stuff every now and again and whenever i go to the tag to find stuff sometimes but ANWAY I HOPE its semi coherent <3<3<3 love YOU.

OKAY I FEEL LIKE i said YEH ILL MAKE YOU A MASTERPOST FUCK YEAH but now im like hmmm making a buzzfeed unsolved masterpost is.......not that much cos its like? all there on their youtube channels like its not like music or stuff where theres yknow albums! singles! unreleased songs! special live performances! music videos! documentaries! band info! like its all over on buzzfeed multiplayer youtube and buzzfeed unsolved network youtube but whatever i can ramble about dumb shit and link some stuff so ayeee.

heres the links to the actual videos:

SUPERNATURAL

+ season one // two // three // four // five

+ supernatural: postmortem

TRUE CRIME

season one // two // three // four

+ true crime: postmortem

all eps in order (including postmortem)

personal favs

a vid that bab @chantillystars linked me and i watch it every time im feelin not fresh so i can smile

someone elses better done video round up master post! op ur incredible

now under the cut cos i realy did ramble :(

okay so THE HOSTS!

RYAN BERGARA (insta//twitter)

the fucking creator and inventer of bfu its his baby and im so proud of him and how far its come <3

when the season finale of the latest supernatural premiered it trended at number 1 over the fucking new lion king trailer and he got emo on twitter and insta about it and i cried a lil bit

fucking loves sports basketball or whatever themeparks popcorn and paddington bear

not scared enough of ghosts to not sleep in a haunted house but is scared enough that he absolutely will scream the whole entire time that he is in said haunted house

first ghost encounter was on the queen mary when he was a teenager. the ghost knocked his toothpaste of the shelf and he freaked. and now he has shat his pants at every bump in the night since. icon!

works his ass for to produce mass amounts of content for us like its fucking insane? all up there are like 9 seasons of bfu plus post-mortems and its only been going since 2014?? plus everything else hes got happening??

rly sweet and funny but like in a frat boi kinda way but like. a frat boi you could trust?

SHANE MADEJ (insta//twitter)

wasnt actually the original cohost!

(BRENT was the orignal host but had to beg out a couple episodes in cos he was juggling too many commitments so which fair!)

ryan and shane were desk partners and longtime buzzfeed pals that ? if i remember correctly? interned together back when they first started?

ryan turned to shane one day and was like ‘yo, wanna cohost this show with me?’ and shane was like 'sure.’ and honestly trying to picture it now without shane?? okay ryan and shane just bounce off each other so well theyre like a dream team. god bless them being desk buddies and work pals.

shanes a freak

does not believe in ghosts spirits orbs and all things that go bump in the night like he seems to genuinely want to but like. science and his big ass brain wont let him.

very smart! can rly work a patterned floral shirt! or plaid! kinda gives a dad vibe in glasses but then he talks and its like okay please never supervise a child!

v into history! so much so that he has his own lil show on buzzfeed aka:

RUINING HISTORY

stars him along with ryan and sara (his beautiful and smart and talented gf who also works at buzzfeed <3) with some other ever changing cohosts

hes also responsible for The Hot Dog Saga aka THE HOTDAGA and i know there are people that adore it but! in their own words! id rather walk into the sea.

ryan, too, hates the hotdaga and i feel like this was? about the hotdaga after shane sung something fuck if i remmebr

RYAN + SHANE

these gifs are from the ?second ep? i saw of them honestly it rly sums up the ryan/shane dynamic i guess

but like. the way ryan looks and laughs whenever shane says something mildly funny? hearteyes mutherfucker

above when i said shanes a freak? yeah.

ryan letting shane live as long as he has? true friendship

whenever theyre at the lil desk in their lil basement talking cases shane just talks shit and ryan just lets him and i fucking love them

the LAST FRAME

oh one time they lucked out with a hotel that had a jacuzzi tub <3

yknow what? this was actually kinda sweet. like yeh bitch

shane madej: nations greatest tragedy.

i can hear this in my head just looking at these gifs and it makes me laugh everytime and thats BAD cos a child fucking died

shanes a freak pt.2

OH SHIT one time in postmortem they joked that brent was coming back and shane was leaving and fuck? they had to actually address that it was a joke fUCK

its not all shittalking and screaming there really is some fond and happy shit too

bfu most recognisable and iconic line.

shanes hottest pick up lines when hes on site

the comments on the video for this ep about this part are fucking hilarious please read when you watch that ep

okay its common knowledge that shanes a demon which ill tlak about in a sec but THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE? ryans the fucking demon. like the way hes just standing there, hands clasped behind his back, giving shane (whos acting like a CHILD) that Look? demon bout to kill the dumbass chillin at a haunted house on halloween. come to collet a soul or 10. magical!

OKAY SO SHANE TALKS SOME BIG GAME IN THE EPS but HIS love for ryan will always melt my heart like HE LOVES and cares about ryan so much and supports buzzfeed unsolved so much and whenever things get dumb on social media shanes ready to call it out and make a post or just like. praise ryan (like he rightfully deserves) and yeah im emo about it anyway hes shane being cute part one and heres shane REALLY FUCKING going all out (!!!!!!!!!!.meme)i LOVE him also being cute part two

‘id walk into the sea.’

shanes a freak pt.3

ryan: “Are ghosts real?” shane: *this dumb face*

NERDS

i laughed for like 10 minutes the first time i watched this part thankyou shane

THEM LAUGHING TILL THEY CRIED ABOUT SOMEONE THAT DIED PLAYING THE PIANO

a real insight to shanes mind

ryan really puts up with this

shane got a bowlcut once just for funsies like okay youre no joba but good job i guess

TROPES/ICONIC MEMES/WAHTEVER:

shanes a demon

+ free real estate.meme

+ the office.meme

+ he aint right

+ JALDSHFK FUCK

+ ryan acknowledging that shane is a demon thankyou

+ like the good thing about having a guest fill in on the few times shanes been away has been ryan always being like okay so the demons not here so lets just acknowledge That

goatsman bridge

+ the video that started all this aka the one you reblogged hehhehe

+ what a fucking JOKE

+ an absolute JOKE

+ bridge owner fuck OFF

+ ksdjhfgjhsdkj.meme

sallie house

+ shane was insufferable this episode i fell in love for real how did ryan LIVE

+ like imagine trying to feel your heart beating while fucking shanes over there doing That

+ rock n roll buckaroo

+ swell has become apart of my daily vocal i hate

bobby mack

+ ‘hey there demons. its me, ya boi.’

+ ‘and frankly i dont believe in you, so i feel like im writing a letter to santa claus right now.’

+ tweet.meme

+ overall a great ep

+ can shane calm the fuck down okay i need ryan to make it out of this SAFELY and ALIVE

father thomas

+ ryans FACE also shane being that annoying sibling to ur parents

+ father thomas really went into this thinking he could help these boys to be fair shane was taking notes. ryan was just? dying inside

+ freak

+ imagine being like a 70 yr old priest hearing some dudes walking into ur congregation and overhearing ‘jesus said chill.’

bigfoot

+ ryan does not rly believe in bigfoot but shane does so like you win some you lose some

+ in the least shippy way possible this epsiode is ultimate soft gays going on a hike

+ like its just such a sweet domestic ep

+ <3

+ just happy babbey

#probably missing a lot and theres a lot of sources missing cos....... i dont have a bfu blog so none of my shits correctly tagged #like nivks is ORGANISED cos its dedicated but...... i only have one bfy tag oops #but HOPE U LIKE IT AND ITS LIKE a little bit informative #buzzfeed unsolved #bfu

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solidburnreturned · 5 years

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by popular demand, here is my oc chatter regarding stuff like relationships n random character traits. its rly long oops but i divided it by character at least lmao,, these are all things that i think id also wanna use if i ever use these characters as humans (which i def will at some point honestly)

- i thinkkkk i want toad and pike to date. toad would come across pike in their lagoon one day while hes wandering around on another wonked exploration and pike is like hey lol :B with their pointy teeth and long ass hair and toad is like :0 he just sits and talks with pike for hours and comes by a few times a week to hang out with them. they fall in LOVE

- fred and lani are def gonna date too. two butches who use he/him pronouns fuck yeah? they have a powerful relationship. mega BDE. power couple. not a lot of pda but alone together theyre both very loving and tender, its a vulnerability thing for both of them. like lani is very cool and can be either stoic or borderline obnoxious while fred is punkish. fred is very head over heels for lani tho

- mardi n berg.....complicated....i gotta figure out how they actually end up together. berg is a jogger and mardi is a piercer/tattoo artist so that doesnt....make them line up very much in that department. ill think about it more and figure something out. itll probably have something to do with berg’s nose stripes and eye rings

- also side note on mardi......i want his backstory to include a grey period set off by his brother being eaten when they were both young at the troll tree. like he becomes angry and depressed, sorta like branch, his tattoos that he gives himself the only color on his body, until he learns to let go and his colors come back (high key this was inspired by 21 savage, mardi’s voice claim, and the line in his new song A Lot “my brother lost his life and it turned me to a beast”). ill develop this idea further but i just wanted to get it written down

- bismuth.......unsure. they had a crush on pepper and kept trying to ask her out until she came out to them as a lesbian, then they were like :’) but theyre ride or die theyre not gonna be an ass to her because they cant date her. they just care a lot about her. its like icarly

- gazpacho and jupiter CUTE two small trans trolls in That Love. i need to develop them more but. theyre just cute

- talia is still a little too new for me to develop her......but im thinkin about it...

- kinda same with ernie and olive. they kinda mostly just exist as cute babby characters right now? if anything olive is a trouble maker and ernie is a chatterbox

- clem and thursday also fuckin cute as hell......clem was a nervous wreck asking thursday out but theyve been together like ever since, which is more than a few years. they have a rly cute gentle lovey dovey relationship. thursday is usually hanging around up on her gf’s shoulder giving her kisses on the cheek

- bea and crystal.......adorabl relationship......crystal is another character thats kinda nervous but bea is so chill n confident is helps calm her down. theyre both trans and love the hell out of each other. rly slow n steady relationship, bea is very patient

- pj and marcus!!!! dumb mlm rep relationship. pj is so so gay for marcus he can barely comprehend it. its a dumb ego boost for marcus but hes also very in love with pj, he just expresses it in a weird cocky way idk marcus is a nerd. i need to make more content for them i think about these two way more than it seems

- dwight!! he has a boat. he lives on the boat.....ive thought about maybe pairing him with toad and pike. deciding on his voice claim has been the most difficult thing ever

- kass and current HELL yeah buff gf and tol gf......they spar with swords and wrestle for fun and hang out at the beach a lot. kass fuckin loves the gem on current’s back. i gotta make more content for them

- celia......i wanna do more with celia. friends with berg probs theyre both sporty. shes just a sweet giant troll who loves mushrooms. i gotta pair her with someone whose palette goes nicely with her pastels

- carrot and harriet are literally cricket and tilly from big city greens just older. yeehaw siblings. havent thought about relationship stuff with harriet yet.....i think she also needs ANOTHER redesign her colors are just too heavy still. maybe if i can make her colors compliment celia’s that could work as a pairing? hm hm.....carrot tho is dating ford’s oc rye theyre gentle country gays

- rainer. hm. i dont think theyre rly the dating type......theyre just chill with being them. they just wanna swim and be funny

- hammond and andromeda are probs two of my least developed characters.....hammond still needs a redesign. he might be cute to pair with walter, theyre around the same age. andromeda tho i have no idea. she might be a nice pairing with eve? if i ever feel like pairing her with someone...who knows. eve is very carefree and might find andromeda’s energy too intense

- radish i wanna make more content for!! i rly like her a lot....i think shes another troll who isnt interested in dating. shes very focused on being a chef instead. loves her friends a lot!

- mack and pepper 2gether 4ever obvs......they have a relationship that gets richer with age for sure

- im just gonna ramble about mack. i thinkkkkkkk i wanna make her half latina? columbian specifically. she doesnt quite read as white and i didnt make her with the intention of making her white. anyway i love mack a whole lot and should really develop her backstory more. its not rly as like...””tragic”” or whatever as pepper’s i know that but she def has layers. i wanna give her whole family more depth. she has a very complicated relationship with her own feelings and motivations that i need to think about more fully. my powerful femme tho i lov her

- mack’s parents, robin and champagne, i need to like....think about them more. they have kinda a comedic relationship thats sorta inspired by roger rabbit and jessica rabbit. robin is a very caring, gentle troll who’s very smart and cares a lot about his nursing responsibilities in the village. champagne is very relaxed and the “voice of reason” character of the family. she loves a good party and has her party planning down to a science. both are very successful power parents. kickass family

- i already talked about topaz and marney in a separate post but i still love them both so much. big wesbiabs

- pepper....pebber. im gonna talk about her the most obviously gfhjdkrs i wanna talk about her mental health i feel like i think about it a lot but i never write about it explicitly? this is gonna be long oops hgjfksd she has depression and ptsd stemming from the trauma of her crash...im thinking she also has adhd and thats just something shes always had. her depression rly got heavy during her recovery and right after like...she hated being bed/housebound and felt rly powerless to her situation and just let it eat at her until her personality had actually changed considerably. like extroverted wild child rebel to introverted, soft-spoken sulker. this got better with time but she still is pretty introverted, just turned her moodiness into chill energy.

- she has bad depression habits like letting dishes, old food, laundry, or just stuff pile up in her room until it gets overwhelming and she spends like two days just manically cleaning; or staying in bed for way longer than she should and messing with her hygiene; or eating way more or way less than she should eat in a day. just stuff thats hard to completely break out of when youre recovering. her color is pretty consistently the dark red but if shes having a particularly rough day she might look a little paler, or like a muddy brick color at her worst. thats kinda rare tho

- her ptsd is the thing she hates the most. for a while it made her feel very weak and she’d beat herself up over being traumatized by the crash which was obviously not helpful to her mental state but she was really all over the place during her bodily recovery. its part of the reason why she started working out, she wanted to reclaim some sort of feeling of strength and power that she felt she’d lost completely. she still gets really frustrated with this feeling of loss but she gets a lot of support from loved ones which has helped her not self-blame so much. her ptsd manifests mostly as nightmares/insomnia, chronic headaches/stomachaches, intrusive thoughts and sometimes flashbacks. the nightmares are what rly get to her, she really doesnt get a lot of good sleep and it can get to the point where she just doesnt want to sleep sometimes and she’ll stay awake until she crashes hard

- her scars used to be a big trigger for her ptsd, which is why she has her bangs covering the one on her face and wears long pants (her knee braces are too bulky for pants and would force her to wear shorts which would force her to expose her scars). she just. really really hates them. this is something she struggles with for a majority of her life

- once she and mack start going steady with their dating and start consistently sleeping in the same bed, pepper starts to sleep better. she still has nightmares that wake her up at least weekly, but having mack there to comfort her (whether she wakes mack up accidentally or if mack is already awake) helps a TON with getting her back to sleep soundly. it also just helps her sleep in general to have that comforting, loving presence in her bed snuggled up to her ;w; mack is a big help in general with pepper’s mental health, pushing pepper to make better, healthier choices and get out in the village more and have fun. mack for sure does not “”cure”” pepper of anything but shes a very positive light in pepper’s life that helps her pull thru tough times!

- i love all my goofy trolls so much. its so fun to just chill and blab about them to relax between working on big projects ;o; ty if u cared enough to read this whole thing ur so rad

#writing about my hooligan troll ocs is so relaxing #like im not overly invested its just something fun to think about and thats just very nice #txt #oc #oc rambles #ill tag it as that so i dont lose this #trolls #long post

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fuck-customers · 6 years

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time to jump ship

TLDR: i hate the job i used to love, i want to strangle every customer, i hate surveys, i hate food waste, i hate my coworkers. specific story at the end. im so sorry this is so long but ive been bottling it up for months now. content warning for biphobia i guess?

i work at the place where guac is extra and our store is kind of in the danger zone for being closed. apparently all that means is 2 weeks of being closed with some training or whatever, but i really dont want to deal with that. my gm has been pushing me [a person she never EVER puts on the fucking line because we have like, 3 cashiers myself included] to tell customers about our survey, bc at one point our score was...14%. the lowest in the state. you wanna know why its so fucking low? you wanna know? bc we're located in the ritzy part of the area [its like 4 cities just smashed into each other], and the bulk of our customers are people on their lunch break who blow $13 on a shitty burrito with like 3 things inside it, go back to the office, inhale their food and then get back to work. they dont have time for surveys! plus, why the FUCK are the surveys so important?! yes, our profit margin is small, but that doesnt mean we arent making sales! the sales are there! the lack of complaints should be proof enough that out of every 200 customers, only one says anything bad! and its always some shit like "when i asked for a little more meat, the employee put 3 pieces of chicken in my bowl. i didnt want double but i wanted more meat!" or like "i didnt know guac was extra" WE. HAVE. SIGNS. ON. THE. GLASS. THEYRE RIGHT THERE. YOU HAD TO LOOK RIGHT AT THEM TO SEE THAT GUAC IS EXTRA. ITS YOUR FAULT. i hate the surveys so fucking much bc i ring up over a 100 people a day and we get maybe 2 back...its such a waste of breath.

the waste of these people too. it was absolutely terrible at my last job [god of bread cafe] but jeez...why get guac if youre not going to eat it? why get your kid food if hes just gonna throw the rice on the floor, take one bite out of the quesadilla, and you toss the rest? do you know what a to-go lid is? clearly they do, because theyll get a shitload of food, order it to-go, then SIT DOWN, pull it ALL OUT OF THE BAG, eat it all, then throw the bag away. those bags cost money! stop wasting our bags! fuck all of you!

and since our turnover rate is so high, scheduling is an issue. i like my gm, i really do, but shes so...bad at the schedule. im supposed to be off at 3 every shift. im never off at 3. the next cashier comes in at 3. im supposed to have all my shit done by 3, meaning my drawer counted, money deposited, checkout done, and clocked out. if im the only cashier, who tf gonna ring customers while im doing that? the manager. except they never get drawers. they just dont want to. and my gm never wants to schedule the next cashier at, oh i dont know, 2:45? so they can count and put their drawer in so i can leave?? on time?? thats all it takes, but no, because of labor that wont happen.

call me insecure, call me a prude, call me a killjoy, but when my coworkers just stand around and roast each other and pretend to throw insults back and forth, it creates this air of pure hostility that i cant stand. stop being 10 years old! do your work! shut the fuck up and fry chips! cut peppers! why do you feel the need to insult each other so much?! it makes me want to just clock out and leave most days. plus, the closing cashiers rarely ever fill up the ice bin. this whole year ive been working here, ive been filling the bin all the way to the damn lid after peak. lo and behold, the reason id have to throw like 8 buckets worth of ice [each bucket is easily 30 lbs, im 105. i carry 2 at a time] in there was because closing cash NEVER FILLS IT. EVER. its always half full at best. so i said fuck it, if theyre not going to do it for me, then i wont break my back lifting those damn things for them just bc the closing crew is so lazy. plus theres so much homophobia/transphobia underneath a lot of what they talk about sometimes. one of my lesbian coworkers looked me straight in the face and said "i could never date a bi person. what if they cheat on me?" im bi. my gm is a lesbian, and her gf is bi. a girl that recently quit is also bi. like, i actually really liked this coworker but then she showed her true colors so fuck her i guess!

anyway, a special fuck you to the old hag that came through the line today w a chicken queso bowl. expo said to me "chicken with queso" and she said "but dont charge me for the queso" i just kinda smiled and laughed it off and rang it up. and she said again "seriously, dont charge me, im a senior" so, bitch? i told her the total [8.77 as opposed to 7.42] and she was like "yall dont do senior discounts here? the other store never charges me" no you obstinate cow, we have NEVER done senior discounts, and youre definitely LYING. if you wanted your free queso so bad you should have gone to that store honey! she grumbled but paid with a 10. you dont get to tell me what to not ring up. ive never seen you before in my life. i couldnt care less what the ~other store~ does for you, supposedly. this isnt that store. die mad about it.

#submissions #fuck customers #fuck coworkers #submission

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unproduciblesmackdown · 7 years

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my highlights list of Owl City songs

maybe you’ve only heard like “fireflies” and you dont have shit taste and aren’t a coward and so you’ve always hoped i’d make a list of imo extra standout owl city songs; maybe i just wanted to make something like this list even though i didnt try that hard to cut it down and it would change every day and i dont think i dislike any of his songs and could give reasons why i especially like some element of pretty much each of them

Assuming Everyone’s Also Heard: VANILLA TWILIGHT (Ocean Eyes), GOOD TIME (The Midsummer Station) they’re both amazing. vanilla twilight is intense and good for when you’re looking at a nice sunset and feeling brave. shaq is in the music video. that carly rae jepsen and adam young happened to team up was a great move by whoever initiated it, and good time is iconic, and there’s a version where carly rae jepsen is also singing the chorus and its better but i dont really know how to search for it in particular because its otherwise identical

***HELLO SEATTLE*** (Ocean Eyes) this was on the radio too so it couldve gone in the above section but it needs its own. im not sure i’d say this is officially my favorite owl city song but if someone hadnt heard anything by owl city this is the one i’d choose to represent his entire vibe and be the first impression. and you’d think nobody could possibly remix it but adam young himself did and its fantastic and relatable even though the only lyrics are the occasional words “hello seattle.” technically the first version of this song is on the album “of june” and theyre both good but i like the ocean eyes version best

DESIGNER SKYLINE (Of June) the most upbeat song on the album probably. adam young is very very good at lyrics and some elements of this include his imagery, rhythm, alliteration, wordplay, and general ability to make the words in a song both euphonic in the sound along but also be very Pretty content wise. ok im most serious about how good he is with lyrics so maybe i’ll be more concise after this one

FUZZY BLUE LIGHTS (Of June) owl city songs aren’t depressing or even really Sad even when they’re sad (w/ some exceptions…cough silhouette) but they’re good if you are / have been a Sad Person Who Lives In Their Head because thats what a lot of the songs are about / the perspective theyre from. this one sounds like that and also like an overcast day

***IF MY HEART WAS A HOUSE*** (Ocean Eyes) the Best love song of the whole discography imo. it goes hard as fuck. i don’t date but for the duration of this song i have a gf/bf/nb-f

THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG (Ocean Eyes) one of the best and another one of the best love songs. im especially partial to the winter theme now o course. this super cool thing happens in the middle with amazing lyrics and this volume effect. the instrumental versions of this and if my heart was a house are also killer

ANGELS (All Things Bright And Beautiful) adam young loves jesus a whole lot; this song is about literal christian angels. i love the alliteration of the lines “in the dust on the cellar staircase / a pair of footprints followed me / i saw a flicker in the fake fireplace”. not many owl city songs are from both an upbeat perspective AND have upbeat music, and this one’s chorus really goes for it. adam y.’s pretty excited about jesus stuff i think and so when he channels that in songs especially about jesus, it’s pretty energetic. but for the most part his songs arent overtly christian save maybe some passing references, so if thats a concern dont worry

***GALAXIES*** (ATBAB) for example, this one definitely has a jesus line. but this is just one of the references to an unspecified “he” which means it could also just be interpreted as gay. (owl city belongs to the gays btw) and this really is a song to go ham to and listen to it with stereo speakers because one of my fave parts relies on that. the intro is a bit jarring because the outro of “january 28, 1986” is meant to transition into this one

DEMENTIA (The Midsummer Station) i’d put this as a highlight but recognize its coz its a personal fave. it sounds like it would be incredibly depressing of course but it has nothing to do with actual dementia thank god. it’s a love song and very upbeat in both sound and content. i’m hugely partial to the lyrics, especially the pairs “every light in the night flickered in and out / every bone in my back shivered up and down”; “every voice in my head shouted yes and no / every freight train of thought fought to stop and go”; “every tear in my eyes dripped and wouldn’t drop / every disc in my spine shook and couldn’t stop” and “every hand let me go that i tried to hold / every warm-hearted love left me freezing cold”

KISS ME BABE, IT’S CHRISTMAS TIME (single) he has a bunch of random christmas singles and this ones the best. the titles ridiculous and i love it, and the song isn’t really about anything and i love it. it is such a bop. “peppermint winter” and “humbug” are the other best xmas ones

SHOOTING STAR (Midsummer) half the songs on this album are summery dancey songs about having fun with other people (usually owl city songs are about being lonely or having fun with one other person tops by cloudwatching, so this album is unusual in that regard and rocks out a bit which is also unusual as per owl city’s tendency to sound really dreamy or otherwise fairly light. it bothers people who are in the “the old stuff is better” camp of everything) and the other half are upbeat summery songs that are encouraging and tell you you’re a good and special person. this one is the latter and a lot of fun. i like the lyrics and melody of the lines “fan a flame so hot it melts our hearts” and “let your colors burn and brightly burst / into a million sparks that all disperse / and illuminate a world that’ll try to bring you down” (but not this time)

GOLD (Midsummer) same category song as above (title refers to “i know you’re gold”). it’s great and sung to a person about to go off and do something and you’re telling them they can totally do it because they’re great. i maintain that one of the Owl City Signature Moves is The Affectionate Sigh: he’s very good at working in words sung with a rising/falling tone, a la a sigh, and its an upbeat delivery not like a “im sad” sigh. when it happens in this song is my favorite part of the whole thing, at the end of the line: “you’ll never be far, i’m keeping you near, inside of my heart, you’re he^re”

BEAUTIFUL TIMES (Ultraviolet EP) the songs on ultraviolet all have a super cool sound, kind of mixing the more loud/layered/noisy quality of midsummer station with the more introverted vibe he usually has, and are all kind of about being stressed and sad but looking to something or someone and kind of seeing a chance to feel okay. “this isn’t the end” is completely about a girl who’s dad kills himself but it has the really good line “you fight to survive cuz you made it this far” and otherwise has a technically uplifting end but without much of the “you shouldnt kill yourself because life is magical” bs which is useless and irrelevant imo but instead the “life is chaotic and you cant say the future is going to be good but it exists and meanwhile you’re not dead yet” which is an infinitely more thoughtful approach. but anyways, about beautiful times: its also about being happy but usually being really sad (“this fight of my life is so hard (so hard, so hard) but i’m gonna survive, oh oh these are beautiful times,”) and also isnt very patronizing about the subject (the prospect/aspiration of feeling happy when you’re a Sad Person) and frames everything in having had damagingly negative feelings while still being overall positive. i really like the way he sings into the first few verses with an echo of what will be the first couple of words, overlapping slightly and growing in volume before taking you right into the actual start of the verse. this is the most upbeat sounding song of the EP imo

THUNDERSTRUCK (Mobile Orchestra) the intro alone is killer. one of the most Go Hard to songs of the owl city discography. proudly carries the tradition of singing about ghosts (see: plant life, a fun-to-sing-along-to song all about an actual haunted house)

BACK HOME (Mo Orch) this album has a lot of sounds that, while familiar, are different from any of the other albums, like this one which is very very country. it goes hard as fuck. it uses the word “fireflies” for the first time since fireflies. i love it

CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU (M.O.) personal fave of the album is mostly why this is here. as the title suggests its a dramatic love song, i love how pumped the chorus is and the way the outro sounds. Love To Sing Along

***WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?*** this is peak “happy music, sad lyrics” even though thats everywhere in owl city music, its pretty rare to find songs that are straightforwardly happy. this song is a banger and lyrically crushing. i guess its in the “bittersweet” category like a shit ton of owl city songs are, but still. this song changed our lives

I HOPE YOU THINK OF ME has this sick chill drumbeat throughout the song which is kind of rare. it kind of fuses his underwater type sound with his going hard as hell sound. like, it would be like the choreography of “bet on it” if i was listening to this song while standing up. you get really into the lyrics. i love this part at the end where the music pulls back for just a second while he goes “the thought is KILLING me!” shoutout to “kamikaze” where he yells half of it and its invigorating, shoutout to “paper tigers” which is an amazing song that hasnt shown up on an album

SUNBURN (Ocean Eyes) possibly the cutest owl city song. it has a sweet guitar riff. cute sweet, not sickass sweet.

HOT AIR BALLOON (Ocean Eyes) possibly the happiest owl city song. extremely cute but not as cute as sunburn but happier than sunburn.

BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY killer intro, really upbeat, the melody of the verses is great and the chorus goes pretty hard

RAINBOW VEINS (Maybe I’m Dreaming) another top level cute and happy song (“cheer up and dry your damp eyes, and tell me when it rains, and i’ll blend up that rainbow above you, and shoot it through your veins”) and has a top tier chilled out whispery interlude/bridge/whatever that then throws you into this pumped up finale

THE YACHT CLUB (ATBAB) speaking of being thrown into a pumped up finale, this does that too. so does “umbrella beach.” this one goes hardest imo and the live version of it goes even harder than that. plus the lyrics are amazing and the alliteration is stellar

***SUPER HONEYMOON*** (Maybe I’m Dreaming) consistently one of my top tier faves. i like the semi staccato delivery of parts of the lyrics, the music is fantastic, also very Classic Example of owl city

SKY DIVER (MID) super dreamy and pretty and bittersweet sounding, classic

HALCYON a bop!!! electronica on electronica

SLEEPWALKER so fun and sounds like a song to be going to the beach to

YOUTOPIA (ft. Adam Young) obvs not owl city but i’m putting it in, the full 4 min version. not only dreamy and bittersweet but one thing i always love in music is an unresolved musical phrase repeating on end. there’s also this part in the middle where his vocals kind of layer and grow and it has a long E sound and when he lingers on the long E its one of those things that would be grating except for its actually great because of that. see: honey and the bee

MR. HEARTACHE (ft. Adam Young) a total bop about being sad. like i wanna jump around to this song. see: tokyo, the song by adam young (owl city) featuring the artists of this one, SEKAI NO OWARI, which has my fave lyric “are you having fun yet, i’ll send you the sunset, i love the most”

FIREFLIES (Said the Sky remix) the intro to this is like, oh my god. the only fireflies remix the world needs.

UMBRELLA BEACH (Long Lost Sun remix) the original is great but i love this version even more. the finale is fantastic and exuberant

THAT’S IT i could include all the songs because i have good things to say and specific things to point out about each of them. for example: dental care is a masterpiece of puns. puns are a running theme in owl city. so is ghosts, the sky, the ocean, and The Affectionate Sigh. if you listen to enough songs you find repetitions of certain phrases like “oh darling i wish you were here,” “i feel like a postcard, i wish you were here,” “like hundreds of postcards, that say i wish you were here” and someone should make a post of all of them. it would be me if i had a laptop. anyways i like owl city you’re welcome for this post

#long post xoxo #like 2.5 hrs later #owl city

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corvidprompts · 7 years

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How to Write A Queer Character

I When You’re Straight/ Not Trans/ Not Same Gender Attracted

(also- I feel like tumblr has a sort of ‘you should already know this’ attitude sometimes. There’s no shame in asking questions, okay? I promise, I’m always safe to message.)

First: How to write a Same Gender Attracted Character (gay characters, lesbian characters, bi characters, pan characters, ect)

(also, why I use the word queer here)

But Crow! You’re AroAce!! Yeah, but I’m hella gay. I don’t think I can explain it in a way that will make sense to a non aro person but basically I do have a really strong preference for platonic/alterous (basically an attraction that is not wholly platonic or romantic- if platonic is green and romantic is red, alterous is yellow attraction. This is an aro term.) to girls (and trans/nb folks, though I don’t know many irl) Seriously, I have like no guy friends. Not even queer guys.

I would advise you guys to absolutely write queer characters, but I wouldn't advise you guys to write an entire story about the experience of being queer. There’s just some things that kid of get missed when try to write in depth in the experience. Queer character yes! Queer story, no. (this is different than writing a love story where the leads are queer!)

First off: Some people will always know they’re queer. Some people will figure it out when they’re still young. Some people won’t know for a long long time.

If your character is just figuring it out, or is bi/pan ect and has only has crushes on the opposite sex so far, they might not understand what their feeling is a crush. This is due to something called internalized heteronormativity which is an ugly little voice inside queer folks that might insist that it’s not possible to feel this way towards [X], or that these feelings are wrong and you should quash them.

A lot of people who are queer may spend a long time insisting they’re straight, or even making up crushes on the opposite sex/ dating the opposite sex because they haven’t realized or aren’t ready to realize they’re queer.

Second: Queer characters are in fact, always thinking about how queer they are. When you’re in public with the bae and you both decide not to hold hands ‘just in case’, when you go to yet another movie with a random het love plot thrown in, when you finally get a queer character in a tv show and you immediately start fearing they’ll be killed off.

Third: literally no queer person is going to pressure their bae to come out. That whole ‘what are you, ashamed of me’ nonsense? Literally everytime I see it i roll my eyes in disgust. That’s not a thing that happens. (I mean, it might. But very, very rarely.)

fourth: every queer person knows other queer people. all of them. When i first started school post moving during junior high (year 8) my friend group had 1 out person. By the time we graduated highschool, all of us were out. all of us. And there were more- at least 20 people of my graduating class were out as queer. Even before you realize you’re queer, you’ll probably flock to other queer folks.

Anyway, back to specifically gay/bi characters- It’s possible that even after the dating occurs, the couple won’t tell anyone theyre dating, even if theyre out. Case in point i came out as a ‘lesbian’ when I was 14 to my mom (long story), i’ve been dating gf#1 for 3 years? Have not once hinted to my mom we’re actually dating. This goes double for poly relationships or relationships where one/both is trans.

Some queer peeps will specifically try to meet a stereotype (gay guys dressing nicely, lesbian lades wearing flannel and having short hair) with the hopes of communicating to other queer peeps that they are, in fact, queer!! not always, but sometimes.

Queer people are often much much closer with friends than blood family. This is because blood family can be horribly homophobic, but most of your friends are also probably pretty fucking queer. If you’re writing a queer character with straight friends, and the straight friend outs them unnecessarily (ie. to another straight friend), it’s a huge betrayal of trust.

Even if two queer characters hate each other, they’ll both have each others back involving homophobic/transphobic incidents.

I’m getting disorganized. Onto trans characters

Both sex (biology) and gender (an identity) exist on a spectrum. That’s right friends intersex people exist!

I’m not intersex (as far as I know) so I’m not super qualified to talk on the subject, but long story short that ‘2 sexes only!!’ nonsense? is garbage. This is a pretty good intro post on what intersex means.

Being trans is not ‘you’re a woman, but imagine if you’re a man’ or vice versa, like some people think. It’s ‘You’re a woman, but society says you fit some stereotypes of a man and will aggressively try and force you to exist as a man, including using the wrong restroom with the threat of violence, even though you’re a woman’ or vice versa.

This is kind of difficult to explain, but basically.

Trans people do have a sense of their gender in their head (I’m genderfluid, so for me that sense does change. I’m not sure why exactly, but some days I’ll feel more masculine, or more feminine, or more ???. There’s just a sense of it that’s hard to explain)

Dysphoria is basically the sense that your body doesn’t line up with your gender. This is mostly caused by societal expectations- a lot of trans guys/ dfab people will have dysphoria over them tiddy because tiddy=female to most folks, but not over whats in they pants since no one sees that, so it won’t be a ‘gender clue’.

Second, an important thing to remember is that cis guys and trans guys have the same gender. Same for cis girls and trans girls. Same gender.

Also, trans people are less likely to come out then gay/bi people. Especially to family members. Literally, upon coming out as a lesbian my parents made me promise I would ‘stay a girl’.

Failed step 1.

Anyway. Please for the love of god, don;t do the scene where someone finds out that your character is trans because they walk in on them undressed. Don’t do it. I’m begging you.

Pronouns are also a Big Deal to trans folks. Please respect the pronouns. Most trans folks do not have ‘preferred pronouns’. They have ‘pronouns’.

(I say most because some nb folks do have preferred pronouns but are also okay with other ones, but as a general rule. Pronouns. No exceptions.)

Uhm.

Yeah.

jazz hands

I feel like there’s more I should put but my brain just died so

#crow content #technical prompts #writing prompts #i'll probably do a p2 with more on trans characters and aro/ace characters

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ughdestiel · 7 years

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i’ve been feeling kind of trapped and clueless lately, and i think it would really make me feel better if i just kind of put this out there in the open and get it off my chest and let those who care or are curious enough to read it so... here goes

it’s nothing crazy serious obviously. but i’ve just felt kind of out of place lately. with college and being on my own, basically, and all, it’s really different. and i do love college, i love everything im learning and becoming and discovering what i really want to do in life, but in the midst of all that. I feel so alone sometimes.

like all my close friends from high school go to different colleges, but like...

ok so in my group of friends theres basically six of us, including myself. one of them didnt go to high school with us. but with the other four (one being my bf), one of them goes to school w our former friend, one just simply goes to school then goes home but talks with the guys (the six are all guys), then the last two is my bf and friend who go to school together. and my bf and friend is part of this club at school and they have TONS of friends like TONS and theyre always doing stuff with them like play basketball or going out to eat or something and of course im so happy that my bf got cool friends and he’s happy there and all but i cant help but get so so so. s.o jealous....

i have only one solid friend from my school. but we dont really do anything together. we used to early in the semester, but then she got a part time job and likes going to the city a lot so the only times i hang out / talk to her is either before during or after class. then she takes the bus or gets picked up by her parents. and i totally understand its not her fault and all but it just gets so beyond lonely having to go to the gym alone, to the library, to get food. and i also totally get how sometimes i have to be independent and do stuff alone and all this and that and i do love it. i do prefer doing things by myself most times but it truly, truly does get lonely.

then when i go home, i just basically do homework and facetime my bf which is great because i only see him once a week now. but while he’s talking to our friends and im not, i get bored a lot. and of course he doesnt just talk to them the whole time, we talk as well, but yea. its so hard to explain i dont even know. my girl friends who i have known since grammar school and used to talk to on the daily dont talk to me anymore. one of them literally just cut me off but then i picked it back up but ever since then it hasnt been the same. the other one is my absolute bff, but she goes to a different school as well and shes always busy with something and she lives somewhat of a drive, so we dont really talk much either bc college and life has gotten us. but i miss them. so much. its really hard for me to make an actual friendship with another girl, because i dont know. guys too. so basically i cant make friends in general. but i miss them with all my dear heart and soul but even when i try to text them they reply either hours late or hardly reply, and its annoying and hurts so i just stopped trying

then i have another close guy friend outside of my og group. ive known him since grammar school as well even though we didnt go to the same one. anyways i would talk to him every other day and it was really nice and he was and is just such a great friend but since college we dont talk at all anymore because he has a crazy schedule and all and he travels miles to go see his gf (who i LOVE) and theyre so great im so so happy for him and everything. but yea i just miss talking to him every now and then but i understand and respect his priorities and im just really happy hes happy

so basically point of those two paragraphs is.... i get lonely. i want friends. i dont need them of course. but i do want friends. my only friend from school doesnt always want to do the stuff i want to do. it took me to convince her to play pool with me in the game room. and then to go to the gym together took less time. but she has never eased up to the offer of playing basketball, which i would love love love to do and it would bring me so so so much joy to just ball up every day or every other day after class, but i cant go alone. i wouldnt feel comfortable, because its all older dudes that go there and i would feel so attacked. i feel attacked just when im walking on campus and pass by (some) guys. i love when my bf brings me to school with him because all we do is play basketball and eat and that is all i want to do, and i wish i had someone to do that with at school.

furthermore... since college.. or well... since prom weekend of senior year.. ive been so exposed to parties and alcohol and drugs. not always physically, but mentally. the very thought of parties or consuming alcohol or using drugs has tried to pop up in my life so many times this school year. and i was never a “party” party person. never. and of course im not saying im better than those who party or drink or smoke, im just saying i wasnt made for it. ive always preferred being at a house or a chill place where my friends and i can have simple fun like board games or video games or basketball or football or just talking. i take so much passion in simple things. thats why i love my group of friends from hs. they have so much pure fun and it warms my heart and soul and makes me love them from now til eternity.

anyways, i feel so uncomfortable about alcohol and drugs. when i was younger all of my uncles would get stupid drunk and get all crazy and it used to scare me. it honestly tramautized me. one of my uncles would get drunk so much and so bad; my family used to have a lot of family parties and of course, ppl drank. my uncle would get really drunk and just sit in the hallway downstairs, and i would obviously have to use the bathroom or get food or talk to my mom or something and would have to pass by him, and he would stop me and sit me down. I’ll never forget how he wreaked of alcohol and it made my stomach turn. and he’d put his hand over my shoulder and say something like “aj you know you are so pretty” and it would make me so uncomfortable. he never did anything awfully awful to me thank god but the amount of unease he made me feel made me terrified and angry at what alcohol does to a person. then my uncle would lecture me for thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at most. and i would be trapped because he literally wouldnt let me leave. he would be telling me about how schools important, how i have to finish school before getting a boyfriend. i couldnt get a boyfriend before finishing school, because that was bad, a sin. he throw in “youre pretty” in there so much. and it was just awful. i was tramautized. i hated it. i remember my older girl cousin who went through the same thing told me to get out of it is to say i have my period and i’ll be free- it worked. then there’s a long laundry list of how many people in my family have problems with alcohol. and i hate it. i hate what it is capable of doing to people. if you have it in moderation, thats great, but if youre excessive... please just don’t.

drugs was never a friend to me either. specifically smoking. i dont know why, i just dont like it. i wasnt exposed to it as much as alcohol which is maybe why the very idea of people wanting to smoke seems so odd to me. idk. i guess its more like i have no desire whatsoever to try and do it or make it a thing for myself and then when i see others or loved ones doing it i feel confused and i begin to question them whereas im really questioning myself. i guess the only time i’d smoke or drink is with my truly beloved ones. other than that, never. never would it ever cross my mind. i remember when i was in a bad place end of freshman and beginning of sophomore year i wanted to drink i wanted to smoke. i wanted to forget about what was making me mentally feel pain. i remember going to seaside heights during that time and running into one of my better girl friends whom i previously mentioned and we bought hookah pens, and we smoked the shit out of that. i thought it was awesome. i thought it was the shit - it really wasnt. afterwards i was just like....ok..... wtf am i doing. i had no idea why i was doing that. i felt so weird. i didnt know my stance on anything. i was so confused. i remember trying to smoke weed with one of my then friends. he was so hyped about it, i was whatever about it. i just wanted to forget forget forget. idk what happened, but i didnt go. i didnt do it. and to this day, i really do think that was God’s work. He knew that that wasn’t what i really wanted or needed, even in my most darkest time, and God helped me resist. it blows my mind. then freshman sophomore and beginning of junior year i used to hang out with my grammar school friends A LOT. like a lot. and i vividly remember how many times i stayed upstairs in the living room watching tv with my other friend or two while everyone else was downstairs smoking. i remember feeling so out of place.. questioning why i was even there... then i realized it all came back to i just wanted friends thats all. thats all it was. they tried convincing me so many times to smoke or drink with them and it just never appealed to me. and this happened so many times because i kept going back to them and back to them and eventually i just felt like i was weird. i felt like i was the one who had the problem.

and i still feel like that. i feel like im the one who has the issue, the weird habit. i have no desire whatsoever to try alcohol or smoke or any drug or just do anything that could potentially kill my inside organs. people become so amazed when i tell them i never smoked nor have i ever drank. and when they react like that, it makes me feel like im so weird. im so out of place. like im an alien. then i feel awful about myself and ask why im not like them and not into those normal “teenager” things. when people talk about college and crazy parties and blacking out and passing out, it makes me feel like im somehow obligated to live up to those standards and i feel so restricted and a little guilty or sad i guess. because i dont do any of that. i do my homework, watch youtube videos, netflix, laugh at them, cry about them, hang out with my boyfriend and friends, and we play board games and laugh and not really cry but yeah and i do everything so simple but it means the entire world to me and makes me who i am and it makes me feel so weird and out of place when put against the standards of teenage years or young adult years and i dont know what to do with myself or how to come about it. my bf drinks only with family and sometimes friends but not much he knows his limits and i love how i can trust him and everything but gosh i get so worried.. like everything i ever learned about drugs and alcohol and then everything ive experienced with drugs and alcohol... it makes me feel so uneasy but i have help myself understand that he is not me, he does not want to stay away from all that, he wants to try it and experience that teenage young adult standard and thats his choice and as long as hes safe and loyal, which i know he is, there’s nothing wrong at all. i am still learning that. in theology my professor explained how love requires accepting the other person for who they are and compromising. love requires sacrifice. and you must choose to love. and that is what im doing for him, because i love him. same goes to my family. my not so younger cousin just started smoking, and i was shocked and honestly felt somewhat betrayed because we were the ones who were left from that whole life, but i love my cousin. so i accept him for what he’s chosen to do.

it’s been a crazy year for me, and though ive rambled on for paragraphs i still feel like i havent gotten all of it out. but this has helped. most definitely. im still trying to figure myself out. and im still trying to learn to accept others for what they choose because that is love.

one thing i will always carry on with the rest of my life is my sophomore year latin teacher. she didnt know any latin, nor did me or my class. one day we werent doing work and my classmates and i loved talking to her and asking questions because she was so smart and insightful and awesome. my classmate asked her something about drugs and alcohol. like whats the craziest thing shes done or something, and my teacher’s reply was “never done it” and everyone was shocked, including myself. and my classmate was dumbfounded and said, “never?? youre lying” and my teacher simply said, “nope, never felt the need to.” and i found that to be the most profound thing ever. it made me realize that i didnt need to bring drugs and alcohol in my life, thats when i realized that it was not necessary. i realized i didnt need that to be cool or smart or accepted, because she was all of that. she’ll never know, but she really changed my life perspective by saying that. i hope someday i’ll come to peaceful terms with what i’ve chosen and stand by. i think i’ll be on the way there soon.

if anyone made it this far, i love you. so so much. this is why i love this website. this community this fanbase. you are all so caring and loving and helpful and genuine and just awesome. thank you for following me, just standing by me and reading what ive rambled on for pages basically. i hope someday i can update you guys by saying, “i did it.”

#stfu aj #aj speaks to her followers #pretty sure those are my tp tags #if you read this.... any of this.... i love you with all i got

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