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neoangelic · 4 years

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Don’t Need Your Love

➳ an nct dream series

After a horrible first love experience, Yang Ahn joins the Don’t Need Your Love club via invitation. Things don’t turn out the way they were supposed to.

➳ a story of not-so-romance featuring: the coolest club on campus, the meaning of unrequited, teenagers, best friends, heartbreak, healing, first loves, and new ones.

➳ masterlist

➳ note: female oc, multiple pairings, ot7 dream, mentions of other ot21 members. ANON THIS IS FOR YOU uwu.

➳ word count: 2871

When I was eight, I had a crush on this boy named Mark Lee. I was visiting my relatives in Canada and he was my neighbor that summer. I always watched him from the yard as he biked up and down the street. He was a few years older than me and I thought he was the coolest boy ever. Especially with how fast he could ride his razor bicycle. One day while making a sharp turn, he fell on the sidewalk in front of my relative's house. Let's just say I was so worried that I almost called 119. Good thing that wasn't the right number in Canada. He taught me all he knew about riding bikes and skateboards after that—although I wasn't particularly skilled at the latter sport.

And then summer ended. I never saw him again. Not even when I visited Canada again two years later. Nobody knew where he went.

In sixth grade, I liked the exchange student named Yangyang who my family hosted. I was one of the only people who could also speak fluent English so we talked a lot. He'd teach me German and I'd teach him Korean. We became best friends quickly. He called me meimei once and I asked what it meant. "Little sister," he said. I told him to never call me that again. He was hurt by that. We drifted apart after. On the day he went back to China I cried so much, telling him I was sorry and that he shouldn't leave. He was late for his flight, so I never did find out if he forgave me or not.

In the first year of my high school life, however, I met my first love. My first and my last. Out of all the puppy-struck crushes and boys who've left me, my first love hurt me the most. I'd love to catch up with Mark or apologize to Yangyang a million more times but I never wanted to even hear the name of the first love which died before it could even blossom.

His name was Huang Renjun and I never wanted to see him again.

And there he was, barely 20 feet away, sitting in one of the desks in the far corner of the room, looking down at his phone. The boy with the cat-like, sharp eyes. The boy who I managed to avoid for months.

The boy who I loved. And maybe still did.

And he, of course, was heartbreakingly beautiful as always.

The irony left a sickening sweet taste in my mouth. The millisecond I saw him, my legs didn’t dare move from behind the open doorway. My lips felt dry no matter how much I licked them. My hands wouldn't stop shaking no matter how hard I clasped them. My breath felt stuck in my throat as my eyes were on his figure. My heart skipped and fell like a missed step down a set of stairs. It tumbled around my ribcage and crashed so hard that I became scared that he could hear the sound of my heart falling for him all the way in the past. I was scared.

I reached for my shoulder, feeling the material of cloth and a sticker skip on my fingertips. My gaze fell to Harvey who stood behind the teacher’s podium in front of me. I tried to remember that I was here to support him. The sticker on my shoulder—the promise on my shoulder did nothing to shake my nerves away. He was staring at me with a concerned expression. A breathy apology trembled from my lips before he could draw attention to me. Before Renjun saw me.

I was scared, so I ran.

A voice called my name, but the adrenaline kicked in too well.

“Ahn-ah, where are you going?” I turned a corner to try to escape the voice, wanting to be alone. “It’s Jeno—Jesus, stop running.”

My back hit the wall and I slid down in defeat. There was no way I was going to outrun him anyway.

“Hi,” I said weakly, staring at Jeno’s black loafers as they came into view. He crouched down and met my eye.

“What are you doing?” That was when I noticed the red sticker placed on his chest. A dripping heart with the letters ‘DNYL’ outlined in yellow. The same one on my shoulder. “The meeting is gonna start soon.”

I scoffed. “What does it look like? I’m not going.”

“Sit properly when you’re wearing a skirt,” he said, nudging my shoulder with his as he sat down next to me. “Why aren’t you going?”

I straightened my legs, smoothing out the plaits in my skirt. “Cause I saw Renjun there.” An uncomfortable feeling shot through my chest as I said his name.

A sigh came from Jeno. “Come on, I think you really need this. If Hyuck were here, he’d agree, too.”

I cringed. “But it's just so awkward.”

“That’s only because you’re making it awkward. You always do.”

“Shut up. I don’t even know how you knew I was going to join this stupid club.”

“Aside from seeing the sticker on your shoulder while you were running away oh-so dramatically,” he let out a heavy breath. “I was the one who gave Harvey the tip to recruit you.”

I looked at him when he said that. “You what? You’re the reason why he came up to me thirty minutes ago talking about unrequited love?”

“I didn’t tell him about everything,” Jeno reassured. “You were working on your literature project, right?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“I just said he’d be interested in talking to you. I guess he put everything together when you were probably fuming over the topic Ms. Han decided to give you—”

“I can’t believe I have to study and write about love this whole fucking year,” I grumbled. I thought to get a head start on the project today. Unfortunately, as students filtered out of the classroom, it was prime time for girls or boys to come in and meet their significant other. I felt surrounded by couples and people having flings. It didn’t help that I had to study romantic literature either. Harvey must have caught me in the middle of writing something like: I’m glad Romeo and Juliet died because they don’t have brains to figure out the other was feigning death.

“Anyways,” Jeno said. “Harvey came up to me this morning to talk to me.”

“How good could your English possibly be?” I laughed.

“It was a very broken conversation using bits and pieces of Google translate. As I was saying…he knew about, you know—her,” there was a heavy moment of silence. “He heard the rumors last year and he talked about how he wanted to help me put everything behind. He somehow knew I wasn’t over the whole getting cheated on thing, despite looking like I did. Harvey’s pretty observant, I guess.” A bitter chuckle escaped him.

“Yeah,” I said softly, almost scared that Jeno would break, seeing his sour expression. “He told me a few people inspired his idea for this thing.”

“He also told me you gave him the idea to select and invite people to DNYL,” he looked at me, searching for a reaction. “You wouldn’t have said anything if you weren’t wanting help yourself.”

“Jeno—”

“Whether you knew it or not, it was a call for help. I know you’re bitter over romance and everything, even if you can’t seem to stay away…” I elbowed him at that remark. “I think this is a good opportunity to just let everything go. DNYL is a place where we can all heal. I truly believe that. The question is if you’re gonna close yourself out from this opportunity.”

“I know I promised Harvey I would go today to see if I was into it but—” I sighed. “I don’t know if I can face Renjun if I never resolved my feelings for him.”

“You don’t have to worry about any of that,” Jeno laughed lightly. “There’s a reason why he’s there too.”

The cogs in my brain started working. For once. Why would Renjun Huang not need love?

I frowned. “There’s no reason for him to join—didn’t he have a girlfriend?” He liked her a lot.

“You still care about him, right? As a friend?”

“Of course I do, oppa. He was still a friend no matter how much I liked him.”

“So why run away? I think it’s too late for that now. You’ve already talked to Harvey and Renjun’s there because he’s hurt too. So am I. We’re all going for the same reason and you can take this time to clear everything up.”

I looked down and smiled, chuckling. “Jeno Lee, that was pretty best friend material of you.”

He stood up, wiping his hands on his pants before stretching out a hand toward me. “Didn’t you know? All my clothes are made of that material.”

I grabbed his hand and rolled my eyes. “Lame.”

“What?” Jeno helped pull me up

“I thought we were having a sentimental moment here, but it turns out you’re still as mood-killing as ever.”

“Whatever,” he clicked his tongue. “If you think about running, I won’t hesitate to drag you back to the club room.”

The one thing that never changed since I met Jeno was his sense of humor. He was funny himself, but when he tried to make a joke it was like the air around us would cringe. Sometimes his jokes were funny, but Donghyuck told me not to acknowledge it or he would get too arrogant. Jeno was funny in the way that he was allergic to cats but had three kittens. He was funny in the way that he owned his Jenojaem nickname without complaint. He was funny in his own dorky, heartwarming way and that’s what made me grow so comfortable with him. Donghyuck was funny, but it took me two weeks to realize that he wasn’t actually bullying me and that he was just trying to be my friend. I liked Jeno’s predictability and transparency. It was different, for a change.

Unlike other boys who always sent mixed messages.

And boys are almost never worth it. Especially boys that disappear like childhood crushes or boys that make you forget you never had a chance with them. Just like the boy who was a little too playful and sweet when he taught me Chinese. In fact, Renjun was the only boy I could ever find funnier than Donghyuck and he was the only boy that saw the lovestruck side of me. Not like he knew that, of course.

Not like he knew that.

The funny thing was, I wasn’t scared because I was hurt. I was scared because I was embarrassed I once fell in love so hard with a boy.

But once I started thinking of the smiley snaggle-toothed boy in a desperate not need for love, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit brave for once. If something happened to him, then I wanted to know. I wanted to be there for him as a friend again like he was for me when I spent a little over an hour learning a single phrase in Chinese. I wanted to get to know him again so that I could finally get to know me. It was sort of relieving to know I wasn’t the only one struggling with feelings and I guess that was Harvey's plan.

I linked arms with Jeno, looking up to the samoyed-looking boy as we walked back toward the door I ran away from. He looked down at me with a cocked eyebrow.

“Thank you.”

“Just trying to win some brownie points before Hyuck comes back,” he gave a cheesy smile, eyes rising into crescents.

Harvey’s eyes lit up when he saw us walk in the room.

“I was wondering if you two would show up.”

“Yeah, sorry. I had to run to the bathroom real quick and bumped into him,” I lied, peeking at the Chinese boy from the corner of my vision.

Aside from Renjun, two more boys were in the room. One was next to Harvey and the other was sitting in front, awkwardly fiddling with his fingers.

“Oh? Jeno?” The boy who spoke had really pretty eyes. Na Jaemin. The boy with the smile. His long and curled lashes elegantly brushed his skin as he blinked. I couldn’t help but stare.

“Jaemin-ah, you’re here too?”

Na Jaemin was Jeno’s friend from his after-school academy. I talked to him a few times before since he always hung around him. But other than that, I knew him just as the rest of the school did: a flirt. A heartbreaker, they say. Always going on from one girl to the next, rejecting them left and right after leading them on. He was a total dreamboat who managed to make your heart flutter with the way he simply breathed. My classmates were head-over-heels for him, although I can’t say the same. He was charming but I didn’t want to get close to him because I was scared to have someone that charismatic and attractive around me. Jaemin could tell me to do anything and I would do it—especially with that pretty face and smile. I kept my distance whenever he was around. Something about him made me feel timid. Maybe it was the fact that I felt inferior in every way. Maybe it was because there was no way in hell a boy could be as nice as Jaemin was.

“First we go to the same hakwon and now the same club? What are we? Soulmates?” He smiled, gentle and sweet like the tone of his voice. Jaemin’s eyes flickered to meet mine. I looked away immediately, embarrassed.

“Don’t know if I like that idea,” Jeno grimaced.

“Glad to know you two know each other already,” Harvey cut in. “You guys should have a seat before I start the meeting.”

Jaemin slung his arm over Jeno’s broad shoulders, roping him into a conversation as they found a seat next to the awkward mousy boy at the front. He looked at the two energetic boys nervously when they greeted him. I barely managed to hear his name as he introduced himself in a shy whisper.

“Jisung Park,” he said with shaky syllables and red cheeks. The two boys gushed over how adorable Jisung was.

My eyes landed on Renjun’s lonely figure. His cheek was leaning against his palm, his other hand held the phone he stared at. He was uncharacteristically unresponsive. I didn’t see the light in his eyes with or the joking smile on his face that I fell in love with. He had AirPods in, shutting himself off from the rest of us. I was glad he didn’t notice me yet, but something about his hunched shoulders and indiscernible expression tugged at my heartstrings.

I looked back at Harvey who was focused on the clock as if counting the seconds that passed by. “There’s only six of us?”

“Sadly,” he shifted his weight and turned his attention to me. “Others weren’t so eager about this whole thing.”

“Hey, don’t be sad,” I smiled. “I think it’s better this way. We’re kinda… exclusive.” The blond laughed.

“Kind of, yeah,” he said. “Everyone else couldn’t see this helping them on their college resume, so I see why they wouldn’t waste their time here.”

“Well, I’d love to prove them all wrong,” I said, eyes floating back to Renjun’s figure. “I think what you’re doing here is amazing, Harvey.”

He smiled, genuine. “Thanks.”

Before the first meeting of DNYL even started, we were unsure. None of us knew what we were doing or where this club would go. Not even Harvey. We were all lost teenagers, searching for some sort of meaning that probably didn’t even matter. For the boy who I was talking to, it was a legacy to leave. An urge to start something beautiful. For the boy who claimed to be my best friend, it was to let go and heal. He was searching for something to replace the band-aids on the bullet wounds in his heart. For the boy with the pretty eyes and the boy with the shy smile—well, I wasn’t so sure. And I was completely lost on what my first love—the reason why I, myself, joined—was searching for. He didn’t even look like he wanted to be here, but here he was.

Here we all were, high schoolers on a breezy autumn Friday as the leaves shifted color. We all walked through that door for a reason whether we waltzed in or ran away at first. Maybe the important part wasn’t how we came here, but the fact that we came at all. Here we all were. Despite the impracticality of the club and the burdensome feeling that everyone would know we were hurt by love in one way or another, we came.

But I didn’t know all the answers. I couldn’t even pretend to know what everyone was thinking. It would be useless if I knew them.

Answers were what I came searching for, after all.

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