#aw no i see why you did that actually

[galacticlamps]

the way Edwin's immediate reaction upon seeing the misery wraith in the Devlin house is to grab Crystal and cover her mouth, even while he's explaining (apparently calmly) that it hunts by sensing negativity and pain - presumably instead of using sight or sound

and the way that he does the exact same thing to Charles when they're reunited in Hell, but here he urges him specifically to be quiet (in what must be the most barely audible line of dialogue in the whole show) because he's found that's the only way he can get a short reprieve between bouts of torture from the spider thing (to the point that when he ran into Simon earlier he - rather nonsensically - believed the sound of tearing paper behind a closed door was also a big risk)

All I'm saying is, it doesn't look like it was actually all that important he stop Crystal from making noise in the Devlin house, and as much as that scene originally read as Edwin kinda having his shit together while Charles & Crystal were both more affected & then literally incapacitated, his head couldn't have been half as clear as it first seemed if his immediate reaction was reverting to Surviving Hell Tactics even when they weren't really helpful or applicable here

#dead boy detectives #edwin payne #the case of the devlin house #im sorry but i was so shocked by the way he just grabs her like that the first time i watched it & crystal clearly is too #but then he goes into his whole 'when i was in hell' thing and we're all like ah ok this is a moment of Hardened & Experienced Edwin #knowing what needs to be done & doing it even if it goes against everyone's usual boundaries with like personal space and such #but then you look at it again and it's like #aw no i see why you did that actually #and it had nothing to do with that being the actual solution to the problem #i'll take The Edwardian Ghost Has Trauma Again for 800 alex

[ihateornithologists]

#elisabeth das musical #and things that happened to me irl xD #i finally did thissss #it's so funny to do actually and it almost works like sort of therapy so why not #like wow i can finally talk about this and even draw related things without wanting to throw up immediately #for more context (yep again) i had severe depression years ago and at some point my brain was so fucked up by illness that #i started seeing [one of those guys i'm always talking about] literally as an embodiment of everything bad in my life #well HE WAS #but like i so strongly identified him with my depression that sometimes even doubted if he was a real person at all lmao #(YOU SEE WHY I'M DRAWING THIS) #he somehow managed to follow me everywhere which made things even more creepy. #and i kept coming back to him myself because i had no one else etc #so funny actually that he was literally JUST SOME GUY like not even interesting or anything #all this shit was just awful and gross that's all. #but when i realized i can make it look COOL by drawing stuff i felt so powerful ahsdijwhnu8 #like YES i texted him recently and he's just. boring as fuck. #so dumb to feel possessed by some evil entity for years and the said evil entity is just a random dude #SORRY my traumadumping is cringe af but thats the price you have to pay to see my drawings xDddd

[bonefall]

NEVER STOP!!! everytime I get mad over DOTC I just come onto your page and read your Gray Wing slander and immediately feel better, thanks muchly! 😌✨️

I am but a humble DOTC Slander ranger, riding across the sunlit horizon with a big iron on my hip, putting every hater's formless frustration into the words you felt but did not realize how to say ✨️

#If there's anything positive to say about it #it's that it's at least a SPECTACULAR kind of bad #It's bad in the kind of way that makes you realize what is so bad about other entries in WC #Like the rosetta stone of things wrong with WC #In no other arc is the ableism misogyny and abuse apologia SO apparent. SO plain to see #And of course your mind's immediately drawn to Clear or Tom because they're so obviously awful as characters. #But even the characters they think are GOOD and frame as RIGHTEOUS are revealing!! #Sometimes even moreso!! #though to be clear I end up biting at Gray a lot more often than Clear because he's awful in a less immediately obvious way #but I think clear is literally THE worst character they have ever put in WC. It's not a contest. It's not even a consideration in my mind. #because at the end of the day. Clear is WHY the arc is so bad. #Gray is defending him and doing a shit ton of abuse apologia and generally being insufferable #but as a tool he is being used in the exact way they mean to use him. #And his USE is to SUPPORT CLEAR. #He may not be the main POV but the arc is ABOUT Clear. It's HIS story. EVERYTHING that happens is supposed to be for HIM. #I haven't gotten to Gray's death scene in my reread yet but I should actually reblog it over here on the main when I do #Because it says it. It says it explicitly. That Gray only ever did anything because Clear pushed or bullied him to action. #And the narrative tries to frame that like a sweet and sentimental thing #But it's actually fucking horrifying. That WAS the entire series. #Clear pushing and bullying others until life was worse for everyone. And then they thank him for it. #bone babble #dotc hate

[trash-can-sam]

What happens when your coworker kills your other coworker but both of you are in a relationship (kind of) with the same ethereal woman who had an admiration for said dead coworker.

+bonus Evandrey because it’s funny to me (I’m sorry Eva.)

#pathologic #pathologic 2 #andrey stamatin #yulia lyuricheva #eva yan #evandrey #yulieva #evaandrey #Eva yahn #Andrei Stamatin #see I think that Eva is very okay with Eva being how she is- promiscuous and spreading her love (Maybe a little jealous but more rooted in #self loathing and insecurities) #and she’s like look I’m okay with this whole open relationship (technically we aren’t in a relationship even though I really want to be) #thing BUT why HIM. I have to work with him and he’s by far the worst man I’ve ever worked with (besides maybe his brother because at least #Andrey actually talks but really they’re a package deal anyways) I need to have meetings with him often and it’s horrendous every time #like spread your love it’s noble really. #I wouldn’t expect anything else from you #but maybe give him less he’s annoying as hell #I also think that she’d figure out pretty quickly that Andrey and Peter killed Farkhad #just bcuz like. yk she’s there. she’s seen the already shaky relationship crumble beyond repair. she’s seen them argue in meetings. #she knows the stamatwins are not above murder. especially for art. and she’s clever. #And andrey knows that so he doesn’t try to hide it. she doesn’t have recourse anyways- #the kains (who I think helped cover up the murder) employ her too #and andrey respects her to a degree- he assumes she’ll see reason. #and honesty. Yulia might be upset that Andrey killed one of the only other architects but also she does not miss him that much. #she’s like I don’t agree with this whole murder thing but you are kind of right he had to go he was getting on my nerves #the meetings will be 10x more tolerable now that the twins can’t argue with him about things that aren’t even real #it’s awful but it did drive Eva further into my arms so necessary evils. #my art #sorry for the essay in the tags.

[cicadasketch]

Here’s a bunch of silly messy little sketches for the mungrove peeps

#mungrove #thought abt cleaning these up but I have homework 😔 #did billy help Eddie to graduate in 85 or was billy actually a junior when they came to Hawkins #you decide #billy graduated with honors specifically so he didn’t have to wear god awful Hawkins high green #tell me I’m wrong #in any case last one they are definitely in Cali #Eddie is perhaps not as much a fan of fun in the sun as billy #but he persists! #and complains about sand in his converse for weeks even though billy offered him some flip flops #and definitely still gets sunburned despite Billy’s best efforts #they have fun though #he’ll do it again and again just to see billy do what he loves #I do know that’s not what a diploma looks like #I have one #but we’ll pretend Hawkins gives out fake diplomas at grad ceremony bc they think they’re fancier than they really are #Eddie probably doesnt know it’s fake and that’s why Billy’s actually laughing so hard #my art

[dootznbootz]

I think some folks MAY have gotten the wrong idea about how I feel about Circe with some of my posts. So, to clear the air...

Homies, I love that fucked up sorceress.

I love how we're never given a reason why she turns people into animals. That's so funny and so awful. And another potion-making magic gal?!?! I love that she's just basically vibing on an island doing whatever she wants. I even love the fact that she scares Odysseus shitless! She's morally gray and that's why she's FUN.

I just sincerely hate when people try to girlboss her or have her be a victim of SA when she never was Looking at you, Miller. Especially when she was actually the one who coerced Odysseus in exchange for his men being transformed back into humans. And even then, while he was clearly afraid of her, (it's in the language of the Odyssey) she likely meant him no harm after a certain point. He just didn't know that.

Why does she need a reason to do awful things? Why can't she just be a goddess who does whatever she wants? That's the reason why I love her!!! She's fucked up!!! :D

I hate what the Telegony did to her as well! >:( You're telling me, this sorceress goddess, who makes potions (!!!) wouldn't have magic contraceptives??? Would WANT CHILDREN?!?! WITH THE PATHETIC WIFEMAN?! No. Fuck no. Eugammon of Cyrene, I have beef with you 🤬

Anyways!!! Understand all the "#anti circe" I have is simply Anti "Girlboss Circe" or the book. I genuinely think she's neat af as her morally gray, fucked up sorceress self and just get frustrated with...everything :'D

#I have these same feelings with Medea and Medusa and so many others. Penelope too. Let them do something fucked up just to be fucked up #I'm a “god forbid women do anything” in the sense of 'she did a fucked up thing. That's why she's fascinating. Don't take her awfulness #away from her!!! please! I wanna study her under a microscope!'😭 #PLEASE #...I actually kind of don't like the idea of her actually caring about her nymphs :P maybe she “protects them” but like... #I see her as a “Why are all of you dancing? Oh. it's a birthday? hm okay. Just make sure your duties are done.” while not caring #whose birthday it is. She's not really shown to be close to them during the Odyssey and idk just seems in character for her to not give af #save me morally gray circe #<-making that a tag now because...yeah. She absolutely wouldn't save me though. #Mad rambles #shot by odysseus #anti madeline miller #anti circe #<-THE BOOK! I HATE THE BOOK! LET HER BE AWFUL YOU COWARDS #Why do women need to be SA'ed to be strong Miller?! >:( #...Ima say it. The pathetic wifeman is more relatable to me than Hot Snake Monster Lady when it comes to this stuff.😤 #I just sincerely hate the fact that people erase what happened to him you know? It's silly but it means a lot to me. #Also I think she got bored of him immediately and simply let him chill at her place. #She's a goddess. She's got better things to do and she absolutely doesn't love him and he absolutely doesn't want her. #I don't have with Eugammon btw. He's dead and I'm exaggerating but I STILL hate the Telegony >:( #tw sa #kind of??? idk #barely mentioned but yeah #Calypso though?? Yeah. I hate her in practically everything except Pirates of the Caribbean because that's not Odyssey Calypso

[camellcat]

WTFFF I thought thirteen would be my new girl crush love of my life heart eyes wife you-came-after-twelve-you-must-be-better-than-they're-all-saying bbygirl and then I had to sit down and watch as she told a man who (if he were not a murderer, of course) literally every regeneration before her would've LOVED and FULLY SUPPORTED that "the systems aren't the problem. how people use and exploit the system, that's the problem. people like you" </33333 !?!?

#WHERE IS THAT POST THAT SAID NINE WOULD KILL THIRTEEN FOR BEING A CLASS TRAITOR #WHY WOULD YOU SAY “ERODE PEOPLE'S TRUST IN AUTOMATION” ALL WORRIED AND CONCERNED LIKE THAT??? #WHEN DID YOU START LIKING AUTOMATION OVER PEOPLE THINKING AND DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES??? #AND WHY ARE YOU TRAVELING WITH A COPPER??? WE HATE COPPERS?????? #did we FORGET into the dalek?? how about how he treated danny?? god there's so much more I can't even remember off the top of my head #(I understand soldiers are different from cops but c'mon don't even PRETEND twelve would've been any nicer if blue or danny were just COPS) #also a bit off topic bUT MAY I JUST TALK ABOUT ARACHNIDS IN THE UK FOR HALF A GODAMNED SECOND— #I know the companions are usually the ones to do the doctor's dirty work here but like #I just can't see the other doctors NOT having the business man lure the spider for being so fuckin annoying about it #like I was genuinely surprised when they had him do that whole song and dance about not doing it and then he actually just. didn't do it #the doctor LOVES fucking with evil rich business men this is PERFECT. plus why not get back at him for being awful to their companions? #absolutely gobsmacked thirteen let him act like that. I am wrong in thinking that the others would've shut his shit down a LOT quicker?? #anyways. I love jodie whittaker and it's just so upsetting to have her doctor do something so wildly off #THIRTEEN PLEASE I HAD SUCH FAITH IN YOUUU I WAS IGNORING THE HATERS AND FOR WHAT #I can SEE the other doctors in her still I can FEEL them they're there she's doing an AMAZING job but. oh my god. what did they make her do #I can't even say she feels ooc as a whole because jodie is bloody brilliant. it's just these... moments. that don't make ANY sense to me... #especially coming off of twelve?? I get the radical personality switch but that belief is a core part of the doctor. or at least I THOUGHT #thirteenth doctor #doctor who #I still love all of you who love her and reading ur posts/fics but I. will not be making any myself. I do not think.

[cuubism]

dream: i have learned something today. perhaps humanity is not so bad after--

hob: hey look! cheez whiz! how neat! :D

dream: ..... it is time we had The Flood 2.0 and started over from scratch

#modern life is the bane of dream's existence this i assert #god the sandman is just so ripe for shitposting #dreamling #also like #i feel like dream is pretty good at figuring stuff out and i mean he has everyone's dreams to help #but he also missed out on history for a full century #so there's definitely a few months where he's just having like. constant fits of despair as hob shows him YET ANOTHER #newfangled and cursed invention #and what's funny is i dont think dream would be averse to like phones and the internet and stuff it's probably FASCINATING #from a dream perspective actually #what gets him is the fact that the grocery store has 168 brands of white bread #hes like why. for the love of god why #so much shit has happened to catch up on like #more happens in the 20th century in terms of technological developments and stuff than in like 3 centuries prior #dream looking around at climate change: destruction and despair i see you've been running the place in my absence hmm #hob: hey did you hear about this thing called nfts #dream. who has in fact heard of this from many many distressing dreams: no. no. do not speak to me of this cursed object #hob returning from babysitting a friends kid: god childrens media is awful nowadays isnt it? i mean granted i had literally sticks #to play with as a kid but they have this horrible show cocomelon-- #dream collapsing to the floor in a puddle of pure desolation: noooooooo i have already had to watch 500 million hours of babies dreams #of this shit why would you REMIND ME #the possibility for crack is literally endless pun intended

[maddy-ferguson]

something from the book i so wish had been in the tbosas movie is the way snow thinks lucy gray is below him...and the fact that he never grows out of it (which doesn't mean he doesn't like her, he just also kind of despises her and people like her). when i reread the book i had just seen killers of the flower moon and snow and lucy gray's relationship was very reminiscent of ernest and mollie's relationship for me like when king hale asks ernest "can you stand [mollie's] kind?" even though their kind were doing unspeakable things to her kind? snow and lucy gray's relationship is very much like that to me and there's also the power he has over her by literally being responsible for her life and idk i feel like if you only watch the movie you can delude yourself into thinking he's somewhat overcome his prejudice against people from the districts by falling in love with a girl who isn't from the capitol when he never does he thinks they're savages from day 1 to day like 60 and he thinks it on day 55 too

#it's like this racial thing kind of which is why it really reminded me of killers of the flower moon because yeah that's a movie about #white people marrying into native families and killing them and inheriting their money and about leonardo dicaprio's character poising his #wife to do that and blowing up her sister's house. etc #and so i don't care about people being like oh snow's hot because like that's the face of an actor of course people would think that lol #but the takes i see about him and lucy gray's relationship i'm like. huh. #also the possessiveness. i could actually go on for quite a while about the changes in their dynamic that makes it not hit like it did in #the book or like he's still kinda possessive i guess but it's a little aw her ex-boyfriend is the reason why she was a tribute of course he #doesn't like him. when like. he legit thinks of her as belonging to him. in many ways #also the one change that i think shows that their relationship is portrayed differently in significant ways in the movie is the fact that #when he wakes up in the hospital he immediately tells tigris and sejanus that lucy gray saved him when in the book he was literally like NO #ONE CAN EVER KNOW #i was like oh! #and when you change that it's kind of like. what's the point then #there's also something to be said about how he says she's not really from 12 and about how it's unfair she had to live there at all. and #her not really being from 12 is something she says herself but! #also while i was reading the book i was totally reminded of the quote from that guy who made the last of us about how #intense hate is universal and about vengeance #like literally okay coriolanus snow #and like i say: brf slt

[arthur-r]

something’s just not right / there’s hunger in my eyes, but you’re not looking into mine / in the morning light / i wake up next to you, but we’re no longer entwined / i want to love you with a ravenous hunger, tear your flesh into mine / you say you like me, but you’d rather that i listen quiet, keep it all inside / i romanticize a lust for blood and the glint of evil in your eyes / any kind of sign, something to tell me that your heart is burning just like mine / rend me to pieces if that’s what it takes to tell me that i taste divine / there’s something wrong but i just can’t quite place it, leave me on the precipice, i’m fine / something awakening and stirring inside me / i’m gearing up, your pretense in decline / i slice my heart up on a platter and find that you don’t even wanna dine / i gave my soul up, you can eat me raw / diced up and vulnerable, i’m yours to try / you’re glancing to the side, bored, and find that you don’t even wanna dine!!!!

#round 2 of recording my loser boring cannibalism song #(it has more words now. it is still not a complete song but it is getting somewhere….) #basically i really like cannibalism as a literary device and devouring somebody and being like violently enamored #and i convinced myself that my relationship was really good and healthy and i just don’t know how to handle a Good Normal Relationship #but secretly loving somebody should be at least a LITTLE BIT like cannibalism. especially if you’re me #so i got really hungry and he didn’t ever lift a finger for me or smile in my direction #and i wish he would just be hungry for me back. kill me a little bit if it would mean you care #i just thought that Normal People should be Normal about each other and he was just being Normal about me #when he like. did not prioritize me ever. and was only affectionate when he was drunk 🫠 #he does NOT deserve to be the one who ended the relationship!!!! #anyway i would rather he eat me alive than not even look at me. and that’s what this song is about #and i’m gonna raise my standards so much fucking higher. he should be fucking hungry for me actually #literally and figuratively shdhdf i was always the one to invite him to dinner too. #and he was SHIT at communion motif. that guy had awful fucking table manners why did i date him #anyway shdhdf. idk here is round two of my hungry song #i’ve already changed the lyrics a little since recording this a couple mornings ago but it’s FINE my roommate is in here so can’t re-record #but: there’s something wrong but i’m not ready to face it. actually. cause it was so fucking obvious i was just willfully ignorant #anyways!! i’m feeling a little weird today and i haven’t done anything and i want to play music but i can’t. so i’m posting a song instead #and later i might be going to a concert?? we’ll see. if i’m feeling better physically by then!! #anyway i hope everybody is doing okay and lmk if you need anything!! sincerely arthur #me. my post. mine. #delete later (probably) #music

[elegyofthemoon]

day 3 went from "its soooo over" to "LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO"

not that i have a schedule but i am proud that i am fighting against anxiety by shoving myself into situations to get some work done

#snow speaks #work log #like morning was awful and was very humbling (rusty as hell knowledge) #and i was like 'man i may as well just give up now since i dont have a schedule #but told myself YOU KNOW WHAT YOURE GOING TO TRY AND DO SOMETHING #so i went back and asked for things to do and :) i did good. #i think maybe its bc i wasnt as intimidated #but it went ok!! i learned more things !! #and i actually felt like i wasdoing something so that was great alskjdafh #and also had a moment of 'AH YEAH THATS WHY IM HERE I FORGOT......' #this is a constant struggle this dreams gonna either kill me or im going to kill it #the main problem is~ i dont like this stuff so none of this material sticks for me #so most times this knowledge is over my head but i have some recollection askdlajfhh #just wait till i get to a specialty that i actually like #then ill just be shouting answers excitedly like a little toddler LMAO #youll see .... #just 23 weeks (barfs)

[zukkaoru]

forming one-sided beef with my sister's english teacher

#'he called this an essay somewhere in the assignment' YOU ARE WRITING A FABLE #THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO AN ESSAY #i asked how long it was supposed to be and she said the example he showed was five paragraphs but it got an F. #he didn't show a good example. #then she said it got an F because it was set in modern times. which while it may have gone against the assignment. is the STUPIDEST #reason to fail someone #like i didn't major in education but come on man. i could do a better job than that 😭 #not that i would ever want to be a teacher bc that sounds absolutely awful but DUDE. where did you GO TO SCHOOL #sorry but after getting an english degree myself and seeing corey go through the education program #i literally don't understand how you can fail to think kids would need to know that a fable is not an essay #or why you wouldn't give them a good example. or an actual word count/page count limit. #like i thought these were all common sense but you should also have been TAUGHT THESE THINGS #hello grace here

[thehardkandy]

Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove

#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy #(its not really that busy) #and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly #for an hour #always felt like such s draining burden #and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself #as a kid i was always made to do things. see people. #i did a summer camp every year at least during the day #i did sports i went hiking in forests #but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things #because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence #despite being something that i actively enjoyed #and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely #like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back #around to shame or guilt just about always #anyway how is this relevant to travelling? #it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person #ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days #and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge #to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen #even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen #but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note #crazy how complicated it can be to be a person #it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house #and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your #but no one is that urgent about anything anyway. #beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime #but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller

[camptw1nk]

you guys dont understand. when this revamp is done. im gonna be so active

#i say this. i dont actually intend on moving kurt at this moment in time like. 'revamp' and its me just redoing his carrd and graphics #im mostly talking abt he multi revamps when my multi and my pearl ridge blogs r revamped u will see. i will be insane #i fuckin better be do you guys know how absolutely awful it is to make a carrd w identical info pages for over 30 muses #do you realize how much of a bitch it is to have to copy two or three containers into every muses page #carrd is the bane of my existence but unfortunately fits my aesthetic desires better than anything easier #anyway i should just write here #i do wanna. i wanna clear out my drafts and inbox do a sort of soft refresh here but also. no i dont #those are my emotional support 242 unanswered asks #if i delete them what will i write on a rainy day (i do not write them now why would that ever change) #i look at them and go 'oh thats too old to reply to' and move on #staring lovingly at the valentines 2023 ask in my inbox. allie babygirl i love u im sorry kurt never returned ur affections that year #or this year #he did mentally i stare at those asks and desire to reply every day

[plexippusangel]

I either need to accept that I am just a way stronger person than this friend and can handle way more while still being able to engage with the world as a person, or recognize excuses as excuses, accept that I am not valued and be done or. Maybe both. Idk. It might be somewhere between the two. I am just sick of regular life stuff rendering him unable to spend any time with me, and of him being unable to bear any of the details of my life, when I would move mountains to rekindle our friendship. Though I'm starting to wonder if I still would.

#faer personal files #i just. really didn't want officiating his wedding to be our last hurrah of friendship even though i did kind of feel it coming #also i'm really sick of being infantilized for my chronic fatigue i am a grown adult and i know what i'm capable of #ugh. maybe i'm just being awful and not understanding in which case i'm too much of a rancid person to be his friend i guess #but i don't think that's the case #idk i'll never forget when i couldn't see this dude for a year even masked up outside for covid but when another of our old friends came up #from her job doing COVID RELATED CROWD CONTROL FOR THE FUCKING ARMY he went on a hike with her mask off #and i think that says a lot about what our friendship's been for years honestly. if he can't bear my company idk why i try #if i'm just an interesting prop for conversations and occasions but not a friend. i can't accept that #i am an interesting prop for conversations. the disabled genderfluid bisexual genius who lost everything bc of said disability #but i didn't lose everything i just have to fucking rebuild on new ground. and i am doing that. i whine on occasion but i am so strong #and i do know how to interact with people without traumadumping i haven't on him in YEARS but his concept of me crystalized at age 21 #or something like that i guess. idk it just breaks my heart #bc for a long time he was my person. he was the only person who knew the authentic me. more even than my sisters at times. #and yeah that was a little unhealthy but at the time he craved that!!! #and then i grew up and stopped needing him like that around the same time he stopped wanting that and it should have been fucking fine #but like. even senior year of college when i was sick it was already starting to fall apart #like i remember being on a small hike once being exhausted and jokingly being like you gotta carry me back and then being like #no really i might actually need an arm to lean on by the end of this walk if i'm gonna make it back to the car i really don't know if i can #and he said no bc he didn't want to look straight. who the fuck CARES??? i could barely walk i was stumbling my way back annoying him going #too slow. fuck. and that really has been what our friendship has been for years. the minute my house wasn't the most convenient place it wa #more or less dead idk why i keep dragging this horse around #idk why i keep letting him break my heart like this it's so stupid he's never gonna care about me like he did when i was quick and brillian #but never quite as smart as him in his view. fuck him. i'm smarter. just bc i was a little gullible or paranoid at times bc of the #FUCKING CPTSD doesn't mean i was dumber than him. the fuck??? there's something wrong with me i swear idk why i hang on #anyway i'm irritated. but i'm also reluctant to throw away somebody who's seen me through key points in my life. so.

[pepprs]

june 27th give it up for june 27th

#purrs #delete later #sure would be an INFINITELY more special and auspicious day if there wasn’t going to be • thunderstorms all day • a budget meeting • two #back to back orientations where i am going to have to take on 2X THE FACILITATION ROLESSSSS 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 bc we’re doing that now. LMFAOOOOOO #<- and by that i mean splitting up the facilitation so instead of 4 ppl shari ng responsibility for talking AND doing logistics there’s 2 #ppl talking and 2 ppl doing logistics. and mutuals need i remind you that facilitating this specific session requires being extremely high #energy and mobile and getting ppl ‘hyped’ and there are 383729473 reasons why that is difficult for me to do in front of 100+ new students #plus three cofacilirators i am scared of / intimidated by for various reasons. im going to be sick soooo genuinely. i HATE this 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 #anyways yeah. today is my one year anniversary and also my first day as an fte so. 🫠 and one year ago today was pretty awful too like my #first day was actually extremely extremely bad and i cried like multiple times every day that week bc it kept getting worse so. love how #things have changed so substantially since then and the things that triggered me on that day aren’t an issue anymore <3 (they are very much #still an issue it’s just the specific people involved have changed bc half the ppl working here including one of my dearest closest #mentors who was deeply involved in that situation have left the university and now it is utterly unrecognizable and every day i wake up in #an alternate universe i know deep down i am not supposed to be in and yet im trapped in it irreversibly and this IS my universe now. lolll 🥰 #)) also ik it’s stupid to still be grieving over this but like. the entire way it all went down + the fact that it even did in the first #place and the STAGGGERING consequences of it. are kind of insane. every new development makes me feel more and more like im living in a fake #reality and nothing that is happening is supposed to be happening and im dreaming it all but it’s a bad dream. and idk how to accept #that this is NOT. a dream and that what happened happened and now i have to live with it and stop curling in on myself like a prey animal an #and isolating myself from everyone i love and taking every single conceivable situation badly. like tfw da therapy isn’t working 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 #anyways i need to go get ready and practice the fucking 16 page facilitation guide 🙄 see u on the other side lol