#bc idk how u can hear ppl

[fishflavouredlead]

queer women when trans-masc/men's lived experiences are just a little too similar to their own: 😡☝️🤬🚫😤🤬🚫😡🤬😤☝️

#bc thats really j gotta b what it is right? #bc idk how u can hear ppl #go through exactly what youve been through #the only men or men-like companians who can ever truly ***empathize*** w women #and u want to talk over them or claim that their experience isnt valid in some way because??? #what??? #it makes u feel some type of way??? #u dont like it???? #u dont agree w it bc personally its not yr own personal experience???? #bc u think it somehow takes away frm yr own expereinces??? #when in relaity were both j expereincing the same thing and both suffering in totally similiar ways j in different directions #or sometimes still even in the same direction #idk im really tired of this kinda.. indifferent if not invalidating attitude ppl will have towards transmen #or even transmascs #if theyre a lil too masculine or a lil too binary (which again will always b skewed due to individual perceptions) #and tbh #it kinda scares some of yall bc #honestly some of us including me including some trans ppl too #dont know what good kind gentle postive masculinity looks like #its never been modeled for us (which is glaringly obvious looking at the stae of the world) #idk it just comes off as ignorant and closeminded and yall wpuld think ud b the the last ones caught dead being exactly that #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt #queer #literally fighting the same fucking battle but were all too busy killing the whole squadron w friendly fucking fire #like i love yall but come on

[puppyeared]

i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet??? #its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^ #i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

[piplupod]

why do counsellors think it's helpful to tell you "you shouldn't feel that way!" when you tell them something like "I am so stressed about spiders to the point where i have crying breakdowns thrice a week" or "I feel like I am somehow secretly a terrible person that needs to push everyone away to keep them safe from the rot that is inside of me"

like ... golly gee, thank you so much, that's soooo helpful, can't believe i never thought "wow! i shouldn't be feeling this way!" before, pretty crazy that you can just cure me with that one declaration!

#GIRL IF I KNEW HOW TO STOP FEELING THIS WAY I WOULD BE FINE !!! I WOULDNT BE TALKIN ABOUT IT WITH YOU #like okay yes. that is a good STARTING statement. but can u give me... something actionable perhaps. please. #instead of essentially just shaming me for my feelings hsdgjkl #i KNOW these feelings and thoughts are ''wrong'' and unhelpful and unhealthy and hurting me. but like... what do i DO with them... #''i feel like a bad person'' ''well you arent so you shouldnt feel that way :)'' ''....okay great thanks so much see you next week'' ????? #such wise words from a trained professional! /sarcasm #idk man i think that my stories and characters have been far more helpful in therapizing me than actual trained professionals ever have #these ppl do not know what to do with me it seems like #i get so frustrated every time i hear ''you're so self aware!'' bc that seems to be therapist language for ''idk what to do for you'' #or ''i can't help you. you are beyond my capabilities as a trained mental health professional who went to school for years'' #im TIRED. im so tired !!! #anyways im just dreading my appt later today fdjgkl i like this lady more than the last one but she hasn't been very helpful so far #starting to resign myself to the fact that maybe i am just too fucked up to be helped fdsjkl like man. im just stuck this way i guess #unless i can figure out how to fix me on my own then i think im just fucked #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[solipseismic]

how is it that we get a roommate to replace the former roommate whom we had beef with for screaming at their video games and the new roommate does the same exact thing but with a different emotion. like didn't we get you to avoid this exact scenario

#granted there were a lot of other worse and different reasons why we kicked alyx out #however; #and granted we did say at the beginning of this thing that new roommate is a twitch streamer and games a lot so this may be an issue #HOWEVER. #4 days out of the week i have to text this fuckass to keep it down bc i hear them shrieking clear across the house at 1am after they? idk? #get shot by a 13 yr old in fortnite? #get good i guess! #genuine rage over this due to i can hear them yelling right now (it is 1130 pm) #and it isnt even a good game. and? you aren't even good at it. #idk. skill issue on both counts! i dont have a bad time in game bc im good at it. and even when i do i am not making noises #especially not noises that can be heard across a hallway and two (2) doors #like the most insignificant of insignificant petty grievances but perhaps the one i am most frustrated by #somehow #'ahhh i play fortnite ahhh i'm having such a time playing fornite' i have nothing but contempt for you. #in the most asshole way possible. after having played a few games. telling ppl u play fortnite is embarrassing. #no matter how u do. u win? congratulations! you just wiped a bunch of 13 yr olds #u lose? congratulations! u just got wiped by a bunch of 13 yr olds and some fuckass who drops $50 weekly to get some fuckass shiny gun #or whatever. #ANYWAYS ... #everyone avert ur eyes im tired and pissed about a variety of things. #croidhe #AND they don't clean up after themselves EITHER. granted not to the extent alyx didn't #and at least they're not a complete asshole. but. did we NOT get you to avoid. this EXACT scenario.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing #ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like #visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do #so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible #mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done #but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing #how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate #and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem #it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research #assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head #and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck #it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing? #i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads #to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood? #hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing? #idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed #bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me #so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a #slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would #b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh. #unrelated

[sage-nebula]

To be honest I kind of just want to write a fic set after Frontiers where Tails ends up in Possum Springs and befriends that crew. Not for any plot reasons, there's no plot really, but just so he can hang around with a bunch of people who have problems and negative feelings and think it's A-OK to feel and express those negative feelings. They treat him like the kid he is because they're in their twenties, and he explodes with everything he's been through in a way to prove that he's not just a kid, and Mae responds with the NitW-certified understated, "Jeez." They take him to smash lightbulbs behind the Snack Falcon. They let him sit in at band practice. He helps Bea out at the Ol' Pickaxe so she can finally fire the creep that assaulted her. (She at first tells him that's probably a violation of child labor laws. He goes, "what are those." She says "fuck it" and hires him.) He and Lori get to gleefully shout, "everything sucks forever!!" while laying on the train tracks because sometimes you've just got to embrace the fact that, yeah, things suck! And maybe they always will! And maybe that's okay! Maybe it's okay to not be okay!!

There's no plot. This follows the events of NitW too, so there's no danger from the cult. Tails is aged up a little maybe, perhaps 12 so that he and Lori can be closer in age (since she's 14), because I want them to be besties and later pen pals. (She gets him a friendship necklace that's two halves of a star. Together they spell "BFF." She gives him the B, because he has a big brain, and keeps the second F because she wants people to think it means "fuck."

Tails: "So . . . Brains Forever Fuck?" Lori: "Exactly" :3)

I just think it would be fun and maybe what he needs. Everything's dying in Possum Springs and everything sucks, Mae is severely mentally ill, Bea is cut off from her dreams, Gregg and Angus have no way of knowing if they'll ever manage to get out, Lori was probably going to be the next target of the cult. But hey, they're still alive. They can still smash lightbulbs and build crazy robots and tightrope walk on the power lines and have knife fights (ok that's just Mae and Gregg) and play grunge rock as loud as they can during band practice. Angus can tell Tails about a universe that doesn't care, and people who do. Gregg can commiserate on what it feels like to feel worthless, and Bea likewise on how it feels to be overwhelmed but knowing you have no choice but to keep going anyway. And Mae can save him the trouble of paying for a shit therapist by telling him, look, the only therapist around will tell you to just journal your thoughts and feelings. So do that. Maybe it helps. She doesn't know. But she does it, so hey, might be worth a shot.

I don't know, I just like thinking about it. Don't know if I'll ever write it, but the idea of Tails and Lori M being pen pals regardless is one I like a lot (as well as Tails taking a burned CD of the band's EP with him when he leaves, and actually picking up on that journaling thing big sis Maeday told him about . . .)

#i recently rediscovered the song ''Ghosts'' by Mandopony which is based on NitW #and it makes me think of this concept a lot #the thing abt the Sonic characters is that feeling negative things is often like . . . they try to fix it for each other? #which isn't bad per se; there's no bad intentions there #but whether it's Sonic or Amy or whoever the idea is always - #no no don't feel sad! believe in urself!! be happy!! be optimistic!! etc etc #but sometimes you NEED to feel bad. sometimes you NEED to just scream abt how much everything fucking SUCKS #bc feeling it & screaming abt it is the only way to get to accepting & moving on from it!! #so i think being around ppl who are like ''yup things fucking suck bro. have a drink (wait how old are you again)'' would be healing #plus there's one lyric set in ''Ghosts' that really works for post-Frontiers: #''I found the stars but I lost my mind'' #idk. i'm just thinking abt it a lot #night in the woods #oh ALSO since Gregg is ALSO a fox he could teach Tails the trick where u put cups on ur ears #& then u can hear the ocean #v important trick for him to learn #sth

[silenthillbunni]

.

#idk how to even express this or put it into worlds but it is lying right under my skin and itching so i need to try #i dont feel safe in the world. anywhere. i dont wanna leave my home. i dont wanna be outside and interact w ppl #i want to minimize all interactions w ppl bc ppl are DANGEROUS and unsafe #everytime i find myself alone in a room w a man wheteher he's a doctor or physical therapist my entire body wants to flee. nd shut down #even if it's 1 in 1000 that smth will happen just then #and almost every single time it goes fine. im under so much anxiety and fear during that entire session #whenever im out for my late night walks in nature and i hear a sound im on edge the entire way home bc i can imagine a 1000 bad things that #could happen #so on so forth there are countless scenarios like these it'd take me too long to recount all of them #but also.. the knowledge that this is just how it is. this is the ways of the world. everyone knows it. nothing to be done abt it... #it's sould crushing to be aware of that. nothing to be done abt it.... nothing at all. it is what it is #it is ridiculed. enjoyed. fetishized. etc etc etc #it always ends w victims dont matter. not the feelings or trauma or opinions or voices. #all reduced to smth to get off to. merely an objects. and empty shell. that is the ways of the world. nothing to be done abt it #and nowhere is safe. ppl are either perpetrators themselves. or they are defenders of it. or contributers to the surrounding culture #no one at all in the world can be trusted. no one is safe. no one cares. no one will do anything other than #ridicule u. blame u. trigger u. defend the acts of abusers. that is the truth of humanity #the truth of the world. it's all built on this. there is no other reality nor truth #and other people are capable of accepting it so well. like they dont care. bc they dont care abt anything actually #but i just cant accept it. i'd rather die than live in this world. and why should i live when i'll always be alone because #no one. is. safe. no one can be trusted #they're all on the vicious cruel abusive side. they all are. nobody cares abt wrongdoings or abuse or pain inflicted. nobody does #nobody cares at all abt what happened to u. they'll keep upholding the abusive systems in place. #bc u dont matter. u never have and never will #i dont wanna go outside or be around ppl bc no one is safe. theyre all against your safety comfort and wellbeing. they all love suffering #i hate ppl bc they all contribute to abuse and rape and everything bad happening all the time. they do not care. no sympathy or compassion #nothing abt this world or humanity is good or kind. it is all cruel harmful venom.

[vohtaro]

.

#i keep thinking abt my coworker saying that the maintenance phase podcast was too angry for him #and i have not stopped thinking about it all day basically #bc like. firstly it rlly doesn't sound that angry to me. #but secondly i'm trying not to read too deeply into his application this impression of the word anger towards ppl who are passionate #and sometimes speaking from a place of deeply felt hurt #like yeah sometimes they're like WHAT THE FUCK when talking abt a subject but i'm like. rlly ??? the eps i've played have read as angry?? #kinda feels bad too bc i've been feeling far far less close to him for the past couple years #he's the kind of guy who is like. aware of his privilege in some places but also so deeply naive in others. #or just ambivalent perhaps #like if i have to hear him say 'the best you can do is vote' one more time i might go ballistic #anyways. just unfortunate things that don't matter much i suppose. just feeding my general disconnect to living here anymore. #personal #also hey go listen to maintenance phase bc i love that pod and the hosts are delightful ✨ #like if you hear aubrey's giggle and don't feel healed by it idk how to help u

[trans-leek-cookie]

someone talking about the ways media and common tropes/depictions of things that are either explicitly or implicitly linked to marginalized people are demonized and presented badly is not a fucking opportunity for you to flex how you're doing it Differently And Better

#I'll rb the post but I domt want to add it on cause it feels. Not my place maybe #Anyway fun fact! You can think that all you fucking want! Close your God damn mouth about it and figure out if it actually adds to the #Conversation! Marginalized ppl don't have to hear about how you're hashtag Not Like The Others!!! TAKE IN THE INFORMATION AND CONSIDER IF #THE THINGS YOU DO TRULY DEFY STEREOTYPES OR ARE STILL IMPLICITLY INSPIRED BY THESE BIASES!!! AND DO IT QUIETLY OR WITH SOMEONE WHOS WILLING #TO LISTEN! NOT ON THE POST INFORMING YOU OF THE PROBLEMS EXISTENCE #Also I'd move this tag up but genuinely idk if I can do that atm. But I'm LITERALLY guilty of the same shit. I immediately jump to no true #Scotsman the subject because I want to defend it!!! Yes I recognize the pattern is wrong and yes I genuinely believe it isn't necessarily #Inherent! But I still have to confront the fact that it's so prominent and to many people inseparable from the subject #(That being disability and body horror). I will say: my immediate instinct was to disregard any body horror that is just like Real Shit Tha #Happens To People as body horror but that's not helpful! I can't just say well it's not body horror BECAUSE PEOPLE STILL CALL AND SEE IT AS #BODY HORROR!!! I HAVE TO STOP AND CONSIDER THE LARGER IMPLICATIONS. My PERSONAL OPINIONS do not matter and the pedantic discussion is #Something to be had with friends or used as it's own criticism of the genre not ON THE POST CALLING OUT A REAL ISSUE! Anyway just. #Both artists and consumers have to be critical of What we see as body horror/what others tell us is body horror/what we accept as body #Horror bc/what we create as body horror etc. We NEED to confront that and we can't just say I Wouldn't Do That! We need to understand that #It goes deeper than that!!! Also YOU DONT INHERENTLY KNOW WHATS POSSIBLE FOR A HUMAN TO EXPERIENCE #There's so many things that ppl can experience and Live With! There are obviously things that are fatal so u rarely hear abt them but human #Beings can survive a lot of things!!! And here's the thing: the rarer something is the shittier it feels to have it misrepresented!!! #At the very basic level: CHECK IF THE THING YOU WANT TO USE AS BODY HORROR IS A RECORDED PHENOMENON AT LEAST!!! FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK #DO THE BARE MINIMUM

[vvanessaives]

me doing completely normal things vs. my mother telling me to not do them since i was 5 y/o bc "that's smth men do"

#rena.txt #well maybe i'm a girl i'm a boy i'm a squid in this giant aquarium called earth!!!! #and i'm talking about such normal things. when i was 5 she gave me shit bc i really liked a movie we had on videotape that in her opinion #was 'for boys'. it's crazy how some things of your childhood stick with u forever it's like i can still hear her say 'you shouldn't watch #that it's for boys'. it was a silly movie about robots or smth like that. and to this day she still gives me shit for my hair and says #they are too short. when i was 17 she said 'with hair like that you look like a boy. no man will ever want you' WHO TF CARES!!!!! #i've been dipping into randomly using he/him in italian for myself lately. he/she/whatever the fuck bc we don't have they in italian. yea #idk what's up with all of that and tbh i'm scared of a journey about discovering gender just as i was scared when i began discovering my #sexuality. like gun pointed at my head if you asked me to pick a pronouns i would tell u to pull the trigger. that's why i don't have any #on my profile/bio but the absence also makes me upset bc then i'm scared that ppl will just assume i use she/her and like. tbh i don't mind #any pronouns but the idea that someone would immediately pick she for me makes me sick. i don't feel like a woman i don't feel like a man i #feel like nothing at all but also much more than the stupid gender binary shit. idk i'm scared of calling myself nb i'm scared of discovery #ok i began crying after typing this i guess that i care about this more than i thought ops lmao

[waitinginthecorner]

I'm gonna be 6 days full sober starting tmmrw unless I fall into the trap of tht dumb ass pre check check shit....I wonder which part of me will win....

#rambling #who am i kidding i know which will win #i need help. this is a cry for help. i need support. im so sick of playing pretend all the time lmfao #im tired of ppl talking abt being depressed for a few days like...nothing against them #but ive been in a perpetual state of trying not to kms and ruin all my relationships for years now #i just rly dont want to hear abt how u watch tv in bed when youre sad im sorry #idk how much longer i can do this. i rly have to start fighting for myself harder but also im so tired im so worn down #i can tell im getting so much worse even though im trying even harder than before and im scared #but i dont know what to do or where to turn #getting therapy can take so long and i need money so i cant leave my job and i cant abandon my current life bc i have no money for it #cant abandon my friends bc ik what that can lead to #i feel so trapped and im trying so hard not to but no one ever taught me enough to work thru this properly #but who am i to bitch when theres so much more going on around me #anyway.....heres wonderwall

[sipsteainanxiety]

Shay, since you're such a big bkg fan, do you have any merch of bkg?? If yes then do you mind telling from where did you get it coz I wanna buy too, and if not then do you plan on buying anytime and what kind??

oh…. 😳😳 well this is embarrassing but i actually umm dont have any bkg merch LMAOOO im a fake fan 😭 idk i just never bothered to buy any pfft

the only merch i DO have for mha is a poster my brother got me for christmas and an uraraka funko pop that my friend got me for my birthday sjzjsjxs. so u can see that i dont rly go out of my way to buy anime merch LOL. i do honestly prefer like. lowkey merch ngl. likeeee i would get these bkg pjs thts similar to his hero costume ig? or ummm this hoodie maybe? idfk 🤷‍♀️ im looking on amazon rn LOL this mug is also cute. never thought abt it too much forgive me nonnie 😭😭

i think i have like, a tokyo ghoul bracelet somewhere tho?? its just kaneki’s mask. and i think a naruto bracelet… and an aot one? idk where they are tho i bought them in middle school and i definitely only wore them once or twice LOL

#i keep my fanfic life pretty separate from my irl life 😭😭 #cant let these hoes know i write fic for bkg #ITS EMBARRASSING FOR ME IDK ESP BC IRL IM NOT A REALLY. TOUCHY FEELY ROMANTIC PERSON #sipping tea with shay #a nonny mouse #id maybe get a bkg plush? #actually no #im sticking w the subtle clothes #i have trauma from like middle school of telling two friends i wrote fic (and they read a few) #and then they outted me one day in class in front of another classmate i wasnt close to #(by outted i mean they both like. said i wrote fic nd that they were rly good blah blah whatever it was middle school) #and she looked at me like i was so fcking weird #SHE EVEN WROTE 'ur weirder than i thought u would be' IN MY FUCKING. GRADUATION BOOK #LIKE? MISS GIRL U CRIED IN CLASS WHEN ONE DIRECTION BROKE UP I DONT WANNA HEAR IT!! #but yeah.... that got kinda off topic LOL #those pjs r kinda cute actually might cop it #theyre nice bc i can wear them inside so no one can see how weeb i actually am <3 #god idk how ppl can talk abt reading/writing y/n fic on main thats bolder and stronger than i could ever be

[imaginarymen]

Woman thoughts too bc I am feeling gender things /pos

#I am very glad I know trans women and butch women and queer women and gnc women and women 5 inches to the left #Bc personally knowing women like that n hearing their stories made smth click for me that it was ok to just be one :) #It's not a cakewalk but it can be beautiful. I am cultivating it as smth of my own that I can feel @ home w/!!! #I rejected it a lot not realizing I could be a woman w/o like. Having to preform conventional femininity to be valid in that. #Even if ppl told me that I did NOT believe it bc I didn't know wtf queer womanhood looked and felt like n how comforting it can be #But it really can be comforting once u really understand it in urself!! #And the weird trauma of womanhood can be helped by finding out that womanhood can literally just look like u exactly how u are #However much or little hair u have or how u dress or who u love or the circumstances of ur birth- if ur a woman u can be a woman as u r!!! #Like I have met women who r also men and women who r just women bc they r wlw and butch women and women on T and women on E #It's amazing as hell how many shapes and sizes and forms we come in #Like idk but for me it's so cool sometimes just being like yeah I'm a woman. #I do add gnc and/or genderqueer as modifiers (and sometimes just call myself genderqueer) #But that does not negate the womanhood I found for myself and find comfort in! It just describes layers within it for me #Also like having partnerships w/ women as a wlw has been so healing too #Me when one partner is transfem and the other is transmasc-ish and both have taught me how being myself and being a woman r not opposed #Me when I woman!!!!!!! #➢ imaginary miscellany

[jentlemahae]

-

#this is an unpopular opinion so treat with caution #i think that **** is very dumb for this bcs it’s like the billionth time he and other members have been called out for the same thing so #like don’t u understand ? fans have brought it up and called u out so much u should know better by now #HOWEVER #i don’t think that makes him a bad person per se bcs issues like fatphobia ableism etc are veeeeery normalized in certain cultures so like #idt it makes every individual bad bcs it’s just so normal #like imo italy and sk are culturally very similar and issues like that are normalized in italy #like it’s so common to hear light fatphobic and ableist comments made as jokes #and like *i* know better so i call ppl out and try to explain to them why it’s wrong but a lot of ppl don’t know and esp ppl who are not #much on sns and especially not on english speaking sns platforms #like ive heard the r slur a lot even from ppl who are nice but just don’t realize that that word is wrong #idk how it is in sk so i cant say for sure but bethany from pennsylvania doesn’t know either and shouldn’t treat * like the antichrist #it’s 10000% wrong and should be called out but i feel like some people are doing too much #idk what’s wrong with the company as well btw like im sure they know by now that ifans dont take it lightly so can they tell the members to #watch their mouths or something

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words. #i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that? #i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

[christaline]

I have said it b4 but i think the idea that no one is allowed to talk shit abt ppl whether in private or just thinking it is really weird to me. Like “oh no I thought a mean thing abt some random person i must persecute myself bc these evil thoughts are unnatural.” It’s like. Incredibly weird. I am obviously talking abt doing this in a private setting and not to a big audience or whatever.

#im not explaining much more but i think its weekrd #like ur gonna say u nvr think or say any bad things abt randos? #and that ppl who that are like. Bad capital b bad? #u sound crazy lol #i…try to keep it offline when i can but u better believe i shit talk mfers to my close peers and in my head #like….idk how to word this but doing that doesnt make u a horrible -ist or whatever #but then again i personally dont care what ppl say abt me as long as i dont hear or see it bc #i cant control it #so why fret?