#be basically begging for money and help with no context of just how bad im struggling rn

[inkdemonapologist]

THEYRE GETTING ALONG GREAT,

[BatIM Call of Cthulhu Masterpost]

Sammy and Prophet have both been trying to, uh, compromise and collaborate with each other more during this latest threat, via written notes and messages passed through the others, but they still definitely have vERY DIFFERENT IDEAS on how to help, and Prophet’s “HAVE YOU CONSIDERED: USING THE INK MACHINE AS A STARPOOL AND TOSSING YOURSELF IN” advice came in right after Sammy’d taken enough sanity hits to start developing a really intense fear of being transformed into something inhuman, so obviously that went over very well

Anyway they can’t actually directly talk to each other like this but this is, BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENED,

Additional out-of-context quotes from session 8 under the cut:

[Sammy is played by me, Joey is played by Boo (inkyvendingmachine), Henry is played by Maf (inkcryptid), Jack is played by Mochi (whatyouwantedmetosee) and Thren (haunted-hijinxer) is our GM!]

[Sammy] And Joey... made a scene– [GM] He Sure Did.

[Sammy] And then Henry would just, go back home! Because unlike the rest of us he has a family. [Joey] Joey has a family! That’s the studio. [Sammy] *deadpan* That’s true, what was I thinking.

[GM] Ohhh, so he’s doing the dream thing. [Joey] Yeah, I’m assuming he manages sleep using that. [GM] Magic-induced sleep, that’s fine! [Joey] Now he just needs magic-induced eating! [Sammy] I can’t believe (except I can) that Joey is piggy-backing off of Sammy making it to sleep, in order to sleep.

[GM] I hadn’t considered before, but it seems very correct, that if Joey uses a bunch of magic in the studio he might have to stay there if he doesn’t want some kind of, physical backlash. [Jack] Tries to leave the studio and just, passes out, [Sammy] INCREDIBLE?? [Joey] I can’t believe we’ve just justified Joey’s fears. [GM] I mean if he doesn’t use up ALL his magic points, he’s fine! [Jack] sO WHEN HE INEVITABLY DOES THIS,, [GM] Yes, this is an unrealistic expectation for Joey Drew.

*Joey and Sammy awoken by a knock on Joey’s office* [Joey] I guess the question is, are we lucky enough that it’s Jack or Henry knocking on the door, or– [Jack] Or is it Mister Franks, [Sammy] OTHER PEOPLE WORK AT THIS STUDIO! [Jack] Luck roll! A really bad roll is Wally, a really good roll is one of the boys, and then a middle roll is someone else! [Sammy] Theoretically, we both have secretaries, … [Jack] it’s just Grant, crying at the door like “STOP SPENDING MONEY… IM BEGGING YOU…”

[GM] At least Henry doesn’t have to make skill checks to get his department on track– [Sammy] Yeah, because it’s not his department! [Jack] Actually Abby succeeded HER check, to get HENRY on track, [Joey] Joey’s hogging Henry, and Abby has just learned now to steal Henry first, and deal with Joey later, because if she tries to talk to him about it, there’s a 50-50 chance it won’t work [GM] Joey just says “yes” to everything, and then still steals Henry,

[Jack] I’m trying to work out what I should roll to figure out if Jack is gonna be evil… [Henry] Roll Mischief!

[Joey] He’ll bring up that she’ll have clearance to go right to his office when she gets here. [GM, as Allison] She says “Thanks,,,” in a way that suggests she wasn’t like, super worried about that, [Joey] AlliSON, [Sammy] ALLISON YOU’RE ON THIN ICE

[Jack] All cats work under the Yellow King. [Jack] Except the Lurker. [Jack] And also Beans, who works under Jack. [GM] Best assistant. She deserves a credit. [GM] ….she might have a credit, oh no, is she in the cartoon credits??? [Sammy] I mean we’re lucky if we get in the credits, so,

[Jack] I actually kinda love that; the next cartoon just happens to have a cat in it, looks like we’ll have to get that Talented Assistant Lyricist–! [Sammy] This is the most difficult voice actor Sammy’s ever had to work with.

[Joey] If no one shows up on their own, I don’t think Joey’s going to hunt them down, because he does want?? the cartoon??? to be done???????

[Allison] You have to admit, this place is VERY suspicious. [Joey] *audibly grinning* It’s an animation studio! Don’t know what you’re talking about!

*finding a letter with a picture of an orchid and a picture of a soup can as the signature* [Joey] HMM, Orchid Soup… [Sammy] Yeah, I was gonna say, found Henry’s “orchid soup”, [Jack] …………*laughs* whY IS THERE A PICTURE OF SOUP THOUGH? [Joey] *laughing* [Jack] We found orchid soup but it didn’t– it just raised more questions! thERE’S JUST MORE SOUP!! [Sammy] [Sammy] [Sammy] [Sammy] OH! CAMPBELL!!

[Jack] *giggling* Lady Orchid… and Lady Soup…

[Allison] Whoever made this circle… somebody poured everything they had into this. [Jack] If they poured their entire self into something, they’re DEFINITELY taking after Joey’s notes! [Jack] Joey just has a note that says “Note: Works Best When You Pour Your Entire Being Into This” [GM] “Or your employees!”

[Joey] There’s a cult mob in the area, [Allison] Not again. [Joey] Also we’re definitely not friends anymore. [GM] Allison wonders if that’s what had you guys……. busy, the other day. [Sammy] I REALLY thought she was gonna say “tied up,” it was gonna be a good pun, [GM] I think she considered it, and then decided to be classier. No accounting for taste; I’m sorry if Jack is disappointed. [Joey] Jack just does the teeniest of headshakes,

[Joey] They’re in the area, and they WILL recognise us, and they’re not all… human, maybe. [Allison] What do you mean by that? [Sammy] Saxophone definitely wasn’t human. [Allison] ….saxophones aren’t human, yes, that’s correct…

[Sammy] Allison definitely understands that he is Mega Gay at this point. [GM] I think there’s little doubt of that; I don’t know what I’d be rolling for LGBTQ awareness, but I’m going to say– [Sammy] *laughing* You mean to tell me there’s no stat for LGBTQ awareness on this sheet??? [GM] …I mean we’ve been making Gay Checks since the first scenario, [Joey] We really just need to implement a Gay stat, at this point

[Joey] I ROLLED A ONE FOR OCCULT……….. but I rolled an 86 for Intelligence,,, [Sammy] JOEY DREW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

[Joey] YOU NEED TO USE INK. TO PUT THE BENDY IN YA.

[Jack] Go hang out in Jack’s office! [GM] You’ll get ink all over the nice cot! [Sammy] Don’t… give him… ink for drawing. That’s not. We’re going to try to train him, to… [Sammy] *cracking up* wE’RE GOING TO TRY TO PAPER TRAIN THE PROPHET,, STAY ON THE PAPER, [GM] Stop wrecking the furniture!

[Henry] We just need to give our prophet proper enrichment! [Jack] Stuff a pumpkin full of meat for the Prophet, [Henry] Let him roll it around, [Sammy] I don’t know what Prophet would do with a pumpkin stuffed with meat, but Sammy doesn’t wanna think about that happening. [Henry] Sacrifice it, for his Lord! Obviously! [Jack] Why would his Lord want a pumpkin full of meat??? [Joey] WHY NOT! [Jack] *cracking up* ITS HIS LORD, NOT HIS GOURD [Henry] No, the gourd is what we’re GIVING to the Lord! [Sammy] *groaning* [Joey] *cackling* Don’t give him too many; then he’ll have a HOARD of GOURDs for his LORD! [Sammy] *distressed noises* [Henry] And then he might get BORED of his HOARD of GOURDS for his LORD!

[Sammy] *describes the gourd conversation* This was just happening, while you were gone, and you abandoned me to this. [GM] This is a good explanation for that official Halloween art. [Jack] …..where do teeth factor into this. [Henry] It’s what he got! It’s his REWARD! For the HOARD of GOURDS for his LORD!!

[Joey] Anyways…. we seem to have gone off, down a thread…. or a CHORD, [Sammy] I knew. I knew it was something.

[Sammy] Jack’s office is nicer than mine??? [Joey] Jack has a very nice office because, one: he’s not allowed in the sewer anymore, and Joey’s first plan to make sure that this never happened again, was to give Jack such a nice office that there’s NO reason for him to go back into the sewer, and two, now Jack can never leave him. [Sammy] MEANWHILE SAMMY CAN’T LOCK HIS OWN DOOR BECAUSE THE PUMP SWITCH IS IN THERE

[Joey] That one’s on Bendy. [Bendy] …poking fingers together,,,

[Sammy] Like, “Everyone go with Sammy and make sure he doesn’t do anything” “Okay!” “*Sammy immediately does something*”

[Sammy] Whatcha got Jack? Does Jack use inkwells? Important question. [Jack] I feel like he trends towards using pencil, just because it’s easier for edits, but would probably also have ink? [Joey] Quick… shove a pencil into his hand…,

[Sammy] I don’t know if I’m fully in control of Prophet during his, like, fervour, right now, but Sammy probably knows where Jack keeps his ink! [GM] I think that’s something he could still act on, and probably in fact is acting on! [Jack] Hopefully he can still act on the fact that PLEASE DONT WRITE PROPHECIES ON JACK’S WALLS, [Sammy] Ehhhhh, [Jack] Please use the paper, he has so much of it, [Sammy] EHHHHHH, [Joey] Jack just tries to step in front of him and hold paper up, on the wall – again, this is just paper training Prophet [Sammy] MOVE HIM OFF THE WALL, PUT HIM ON THE PAPER,

[Sammy] Your Mythos skill is getting so big! Sammy’s is like… freakin, six or something! [Jack] You keep – you know that thing, where you have work and you have another company to do the work for you? [Sammy] ...outsourcing? [Jack] YES! Thank you. Sammy keeps outsourcing all his Mythos to the Prophet.

[GM] I don’t have any content for Norman, but I like to believe in my heart that he was there, and then just faded away when Joey showed up.

[Sammy] *waking up*…Ugh, what happened…? [Joey] Joey just gestures to the wall. [Bendy] He didn’t know what to do about it either…. [Sammy] …..THERE WERE THREE OF YOU IN HERE!

[Jack] Was Jack told to not let the Prophet do this? [Sammy] No…. Sammy sorta thought that went without saying… [Henry] Well, he asked REALLY nicely, [Jack] He is standing so politely…!

[Sammy] *posts updated Sanity* [Henry] Oh… oh… oh Sam,,, [Henry] That’s… that’s smaller than Joey’s CON!

[Sammy] I left you a note on the paper and everything! [Jack] I don’t think he gets how paper works.

[Joey] I don’t know if Henry’s coming with Joey? [Henry] I remember someone wanted Henry to come… [Sammy] I thought it would be a good idea just so Joey and his “I have no POW when I’m outside the Studio” self isn’t, all by himself, with a magically powerful person aND ALLISON??? [Henry] ……….Henry’s gonna come.

#call of cthulhu: haunted hijinx #sammy lawrence #prophet sammy #when in doubt just keep drawing #cthulhu game quotes #sorry everyone i love them

[klaus-is-the-real-number-1]

Run Boy Run (Number 5 x reader)

A/N: hahahah im so sorry i was in a bad mood and didnt need much convincing to write this, were so this is based right after Five ran away. :) yet again do apologise. stay fresh my dudes (also you should all listen to pretty girl by clario because some of the ideas to an extent are based off that but its also just a good song.) also 3 fics in a day oof.

Context: You and Five were best friends, the night before he ran away he admitted his feelings to you, you went to school together and protected you from bullying. But now he’s gone.

words: 1318

Warning: Suicide, just sad really, bullying, swearing. 

Polaroids filled your wall, it reminded you of a happier time, a time that seemed so long ago. The pictures couldn’t keep you going anymore, it’d gotten too much and he wasn’t there anymore, he’d left you. You look at the photos while writing a letter with shaking hands, ink running on the page where your tears hit, the sound of them sounding like beating drums on a parade. You couldn’t wait for him, not anymore. 

You remember the night before it happened, even though it was almost two years ago, since he left, gone without a trace. A flash of blue and he was in your room, breathing heavily as he gently shook you awake.

“Five? What are you doing here?” He took a seat at the end of your bed, you sat up and rubbed your eyes. “Holding everything in doesn’t help, you know.” You say in a soft voice, placing a comforting hand on his back.

“y/n...” Five sighed, he was almost searching for the words to say, repeatedly opening and closing his mouth. He looked down at the ground, tears filling his eyes. “I’m going to do something really stupid tomorrow, I can’t tell you what, or why I’m going to do it.” He looked at you, his green eyes filled with sorrow.

“What do you mean Five?” You were confused, it was too early for this and you just didn’t understand what he was talking about, in hindsight, you should of known what he was going to do, you should of talked him out of it but you were naïve, stupid almost. Five was too smart for his own good, to wise for his age.

He looked at the floor again. “Y/n, please, just remember to wait for me.” he grabbed your hand. “Promise me you’ll wait.” He was begging you, pleading with you.

Without knowing what me meant you agreed, you agreed to wait for him from whatever he was doing. You watched as the boy you almost love push his hair out of his face with shaking hands. He grabbed your hands, almost trying to calm himself down, without a second though he leant over and pressed his lips to yours, it lasted mere seconds but felt like it was infinite, you were flying and didn’t want to land. 

“don’t forget me.”

And just like that he was gone, a flash of blue never to be seen again. How could you ever forget him, you never thought he’d be gone for long, maybe a week tops. But no, every nice thing must come to an end.

Five was your protector at school, thats how you met him, someone in the corridor had gone to punch you but as you braced yourself nothing hit you, you opened your eyes to see the bully in question on the floor and Five asking if you were ok and after that he never left your side. It only took a week after he ran away for the bullies to start again, pushing and shoving to mean comments and with no one to protect you anymore you just endured it, day in day out. Until finally, you shut down, after two years without him you couldn’t wait any longer.

You closed the letter, writing on the front as best you could with your shaking hand ‘for Five, when he comes back x’. You had left another note for your family, explaining on basic terms that you simply couldn’t do it anymore. Putting on your cheapest clothes you snuck out your window and made your way towards the Academy, you didn’t want to wear anything too expensive just incase your family had a hard time with money and needed to sell some stuff.

You approached the Academy’s doors, remembering the numerous times you had snuck in there with Five, or the time when pogo found you two giggling in Fives room and promised he’d keep it a secret, you smile at the fond memories. Quietly, you pushed the gates open and gently pushed the letter through the post box, and then you walked away, and you didn’t stop walking, not until you reached the cliffs at the shore. You took a breath of fresh air, dangerously close to the edge, the words of the bullies echoing in your head like a lone singer in an empty stadium ‘Five left because he couldn’t stand the sight of you’ and deep down you think its true, he hasn’t came back for you yet, but you could never forget him. You wanted to feel like you were flying again, like how you did with Five that night, the night he kissed you, you wanted to soar through the air again. So you did.

All Five could think about during the apocalypse was y/n, the thought of them was what kept him going through it all, through the wasteland, through the commission. He had finally done it, he’d got the equation, he didn’t care if he broke his contract he needed to see her smile again, hear her laugh. 

He fell though the portal, and looked up to see the rest of his siblings but y/n was no where to be seen. “Shit.” He looked round at their shocked faces. “Wheres y/n?” It took them a second to think about what they asked, little did he know they hadn’t heard of y/n since what happened.

“You’ve been gone for all that time and that’s the first thing you ask?” Luther stated, boy had he gotten big, but obviously his brain had shrunk since Five had left.

“Where is y/n.” Five asked again, louder this time. He watched their faces drop, how could they tell him.

“She’s dead Five.” Fives heart almost stopped, she couldn’t be, she promised she’d wait.

“Stop fucking lying. She can’t be, she promised me she’d wait!” He almost shouted at them. They were lying and he knew it, they were all lying.

“Five, y/n killed herself, two years after you left.” Allison jumped in before any of her brothers could talk. “She left you a letter, it’s in your room on your desk.” A flash of blue and he was gone, his chest was tight with the news, he couldn’t believe it, he wouldn’t.

There it was, a dusty letter sat neatly on his desk, untouched and preserved, y/n writing clear as day on the front ‘for Five, when he comes back x’ his hands begin to shake, there were tear droplets over the front of the letter. The more he read, the more his heart sank, the letter was rushed explaining every question he would of had on why you did it. Without even realising, his eyes stung, lifting a hand to his face he could feel the damp of his tears on his face but his body was numb with grief and his heart aching loss. At the end of the letter there was a polaroid of the two of you at Griddy’s, you’d ask one of the waitresses to take it for you, the waitress before taking the photo had mentioned about you being a cute couple and it made you both laugh right before she snapped the photo.

Fives vision was becoming blurred, he wanted to scream but no noise was coming out, a stabbing pain wracked through his whole body and he collapsed into a heap onto the floor clutching the photo of you both close to his chest, hoping it would ease the pain. He couldn’t help but blame himself for what you did, he shouldn’t of left. All he could do is silently cry, he couldn’t even think of what to do but he knew one thing, he had to stop the apocalypse and go back, go back to save you, to see your smile again. He would do anything to be back with you, even if it killed him.

#tw suicide #the umbrella academy #the umbrella academy x reader #number 5 #number 5 x reader #number five #number five x reader #five x reader #five #five angst #number 5 angst #number 5 imagine #tua five #tua #tua imagine #number five imagine #the umbrella academy imagine #my works

[wellanthropologicallyspeaking]

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )

#forgiveness #trauma #emotional abuse #emotional trauma #family #family abuse #parents #parent abuse #self care #coping

[notesfromthepen]

The Chronicles of the king of Richmond

I came across some shit today that I had to share. Something too funny, dark, and ridiculous to keep to myself. But I had to figure out a way to first, get my hands on the material, and then how to give the context needed for it to be fully appreciated.

First I should start with the characters involved. We are a trio. Me, Joe, and the 'king'. I'll refer to him as the 'king' (with a lowercase 'k') because he wanted to remain anonymous, for several reasons, that should become clear later. 

Joe is, by far, my best friend in here and we've been pretty much inseparable for years now, (we were bunkies twice at another facility). Some of you may have read previous posts about him. We are very different people, which is often the case with really good friends. But there is no doubt that our bond is, almost entirely, built on our shared sense of humor. A sarcastic, brutally honest, self deprecating, anything for a laugh, sense of humor. 

A sense of humor developed since childhood surrounded by witty, smart-assed, assholish mentors and peers. It can be a harsh environment to grow up in, but there is a purity to be found there. An accountability and brutal honesty that is humbling and real. There are no aires allowed to survive amongst friends with no fear of giving offense. No bullshit is left uncalled, no lies left un-confronted, and no opinions restrained. Nothing is sacred and everything is mined for a laugh. 

Basically we talk a lot of shit.

Nothing bonds me to another person more instantly than a similar sense of humor. Since coming to this new prison Joe and I have found a fellow, flawed, degenerate asshole, willing to laugh at himself and judge others for the sake humor. 

This, is the so called 'king of Richmond.' His majesty is a large guy, about 6'1 and 240 lbs. of slightly chubby, bearded, man beef. He's well kept and neat in appearance (aside from his portly build). He's got some charisma and charm at his disposal and makes decent use of it when needed.

The king, however, has a glaring flaw, as do most of us. He's a raging addict, whose life is lived for, and run by, an incessant need for opiates. This adds an interesting but constantly problematic dimension to his life behind bars. The perpetual need to produce the money for his lifestyle is a constant story line. Most of his fundraising is done over the phone. Preferably through manipulation, but he's not above blatant begging from people in the free-world. Family members, friends, exes, and a sugar momma round out his fundraising Rolodex. 

A few days ago, Joe borrowed his Majesty's tablet to listen to his music, and being the stand up friends we are, we wasted no time before invading his privacy. We opened his 'sent email' files and struck gold. Dark, hilarious, sad, revealing gold. What we found was email after email of mental and emotional manipulation in a quest to fund his lifestyle. That's the sad part. The hilarious part is witnessing the level of shameless groveling, damage control, and clumsy begging, our friend is willing to stoop to. 

After an intervention filled with embarrassment, ridicule, and some tear inducing laughs from all parties, I gained the 'kings' permission to post some of the gems. 

But first a disclaimer: If any form of self-respect or sense of shame is something you're expecting, then prepare yourself, because you will find neither in these emails. Also, I wanted to maintain the "purity" of the emails as they were originally written, so I left the misspellings and incorrect grammar. However, for the sake of read-ability, I added some commas and periods here and there. Other than that they are all original text, with the exception of my commentary, which will be in [brackets].

So without further adieu, I now present to you: The Chronicles Of The king Of Richmond.

Sugar Momma

The following correspondence was sent to the kings sugar momma. As her title would imply she is his main source of income. His "Go-To". She works at McDonalds and has had the unfortunate luck to be in  "love" with the king for roughly a year now. This letter is the most recent and well into the travesty that is their "relationship". This email is more focused on making excuses for begging than actual begging, but stay tuned they get worse.

His words are in "quotes" and my commentary is in [brackets]. Some are comments and some are translations of his bullshit, what he really means.

KOR 11/24  “listen, I wasn't insinuating you were fat, and honestly I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. [he definitely was] I was giving you an example of how you could save a few bucks, so maybe out of the kindness of your heart [or from my incessant guilt laden begging] you could send me a few. Belive it or not, its rough in here, and sometimes I need money to survive in here. [Let's make one thing clear: The constant stress of his habit and the debts he accrues makes his time infinitely more difficult than it needs to be. So more money isn't the solution. It’s the problem.] That's what I was saying. I've been down for 5yrs Jenn and pretty much aint had much help, except from a few. [Just a little context. I get 50$ a month. This jackass spends 300$ a week]. We were together a long time. we broke up when I was in here, so yeah its a little different than if you were just some ex. I shouldn't exspect [too bad they don't give out money for misspelled words] it, but I would hope”. 

“I guess I wasn't who I thought I was to you. [what a word-smith]. I might have put you through a lot of shit, but you sought me out. Remember that. You knew who I was. [Yeah, so you deserve everything I put you through.] Everyone did. I was the king of that town [AND THERE IT IS! The self proclaimed king of Richmond...Oh I can't tell you how embarrassed for him, angered at him, and ashamed to call him my friend I was when I read this!] not to try and sound conceited but I was, [OK. You can't say you’re not being  conceited and then double down on your brag. BTW Richmond has a population smaller than most elementary schools. So it was a small 'kingdom' to say the least] and now no one has my back. it sucks, out of everyone, I hoped that you would have, but no!! [I hope he had a neck brace on when he wrote this. This guy can go from bragging to groveling so fast that it causes whiplash]. When we broke up I wanted you to be happy and get married and do what ever. [He ran out of ideas! That's his limit of things he could conjure up that would make her happy: 2] I just wanted you to still be there for me [AKA: support my habit] and if roles were reversed Jenn, you would have 50 every month and my family would probaly even send you money and that's the proven truth. [From probably to proven truth in half a sentence?]  And you know it, so that shit hurts me, let's just remember who's the one locked up!! I'm the old me again [king?] and I'll remember all my real friends, that were there for me, when I get out in 3 in a half years.[Yeah but will they remember you?] Not long at all. And the thing with frank, [Oh yes! Thankgod he's back on the whole Frank thing! I wish I knew his address I'd send him a bottle of whisky!] belive me, I heard stories, a few. [Yeah and they haunt his dreams] but regardless, I love you, just wish you were kinder to me. ...The king”

[That's his cleanup? Someone get him a neck brace]

KOR 12/6 [Damage control] “baby, funny you say sober honestly, but no i totally understand. im sorry if it feels like sometimes I take you for granted.[by sometimes he means 'all the time'] let me try to explain [please do], in here if you don't get in a constant routine and try to make things repetitive, the time will do you, not you do the time. [A vague prison saying he heard someone say in here once and thought it sounded cool] if that makes sense [it doesn't.], its not my intentions to make it carry over into our relationship [but if it does I'm willing to live with it] I'm sorry [that I have to do this song and dance to get money]. and I fully intend to check myself and let you know how special you truly are to me [and by 'check myself' I mean I'll continue doing the exact same amount of drugs, if not more. and I'll show you how special you are by kindly taking your minimum wage paycheck]. The money you send me is for me to live comfortably in here [get high], that means getting things done that I need to get done while I'm here [I mean, these drugs aren't gonna do themselves.] and 90%, is the food and shit i need to survive [but mostly drugs]. We are already at a disadvantage because I only get 75% of what you send, which sucks [it would be much more efficient if I could put 100% of what you send me up my nose]. And they rip us off on prices on the food as it is. So I'm sorry, but i want you to fully understand you are my baby girl [creepy] and when i get out, roles will reverse and I'll be the provider and you'll live real comfortable [said with his fingers crossed], except when I come home every night and blow that back out bitch!!!! [and theres that winning charm I mentioned! what a smooth operator] I love you. [He doesn't] I got to go to the doctor at 9:30 [Ironically its 'his' back that's blown out] so I'll call you after count [to beg for more $]. I love you [again he doesn't]. if that eases your mind [It shouldn't] I love you!!! [and one final lie to cap off this masterpiece.]

Ex-Girlfriend

These next three are to his ex-girlfriend. She's somewhere down the list of reliable donors, but desperate times call for desperate measures and being a dope fiend in prison means, constant desperate times.

KOR 11/23 "So happy thanksgiving! [Now that the pleasantries are out of the way] So I havnt had any money lately, so no stamps but I just got some anyways [2nd sentence in and already caught in a lie. Clearly if he sent this, he has stamps]. Yeah I heard all about you and Carol's argument, and Dan and Josh messaging, and you jumping in on their message, and Dan cutting into you about being a shitty ex (/friend) [OK, I have to translate. First of all, this email seems to be sponsored by unnecessary commas. I guess some people were attacking her on Facebook for not sending the 'king' an adequate amount of money] Most I agree with. [Especially the money part] You havnt been there for me Jennifer [how dare you!]. I belive you have kinda done me wrong [how do you sleep at night?] and other people believe that too [so there!]. Im not saying your wrong for living your life [but you are] and going and being with someone new [because there's no way he's cooler than me]. but you can look out for the man [I use the term man loosely] that looked out for you since you were just a baby! [???? what???? creepy! actually I need to go ask him about this one.. OK he said he meant when she was 18] When I have asked for money in the past, you deny me [who the fuck do you think you are an ex?]. Hell, I'm broke right now [and that's your responsibility]. I can't get money. [But regardless I incessantly ask for it? Blatant lie no.2] uncle only sends me 50 a month and that ain't shit, that's hygiene a month. [Who calls their uncle uncle and not my uncle? What is he an orphan from the 1800's?] You don't keep money on the phone Jenn. I don't care who your new man is [again, not cooler than me], if you truly love me, you can talk to me. And 50 dollars, every couple of months ain't shit Jenn [trust me its nothing! I blow through it in no time]. So I and everyone else just think your wrong for that [OK, now he's literally speaking for everyone. Which is strange because I don't remember giving him my opinion on how much money his ex should be spending on his habit]. I will always have love for you. I just wish you would treat me with the respect I deserve [but have in no way earned]. I've been down 5 yrs and havnt got no more than 100 dollars from you. i basicaly took the rap and I get no respect. [Now he's doing his Rodney Dangerfield impression? what's next, Dr Vinnie Boombatz? (look it up)]  That's fucked up!!!!! well I thought, since I finally got some stamps I can finally reply. I wish you would start respecting me as someone you love!!! 

'The King of Richmond' (The realest you've ever known!)”  [That last part is 100% real. I almost died laughing when I read this! The realest? No comment I can muster will be adequate at dealing with the ridiculousness of this sign off. What a heavy handed attempt to sound like a cool guy. Remember, this is to an ex-girlfriend! No way does playing the cool guy ever work on an ex. She's been in the bathroom after you. She's smelled your shit. Also remember that the whole point of this email is to beg for money! Oh I'm so glad I'm friends with this silly degenerate!]

KOR 11/24 “what? really I thought we just made it through everything; [Im going to say we and then make you feel bad for a bunch of shit you needed] your rent to your sister, the presents for the babies, your phone you needed [you know, the trivial shit]. I thought we got through it baby? [You mean to tell me the babies got my drug money?] I owe a 100$ and I don't even got a noodle right now. Thank god for you, because my brother doesn't give a fuck if I rot in here [because be knows the real me] and everyone else apparently don't care. [Possibly the most poorly crafted sentence in the history of writing, and now down to business] We can do 100 and then 50. [Tell the babies and your sister to fuck off! I have needs.] So I can eat off the 35 from the 50 for the rest of this month [hope I confused her with all the numbers and poor grammar] cause the only thing I have is 2 soaps [just to be sure, one more number]. so work with me on this and I will make that last to the first OK! [In no world, was he able to make it last until the 1st] 

[And now back to the unwarranted guilt trip:] I thought you were done with all the present buying and rent.You even had a b-day!! [So there's really no excuse for not feeding my addiction. What are you selfish? Use your b-day money!] Which I think you needed to let loose a little anyways. [You really earned it, putting up with my begging and whatnot] I love you babe. I'll call you after count were supposed to have a blizzard today F U N!!!!!” [Bringing it all together with a little sarcastic humor? NICE!]

KOR 12/5 "Really Jenn? Don't think you can shame me for [well, anything but specifically] expecting a little money every once in a while” [you should know by now that shame is not a factor!] "Its not hard to skip going out to eat or buying that extra shirt, [extra shirt?Clearly he could only think of one good example to save money.] to throw me a little extra dough. [yeah, just go hungry and topless] I didn't bring Josh or Dan into this. [This whole exchange is about his friends and sugar mamma shaming Jenn for not sending home enough money] They did that on their own. They told me the conversation they had with you. I just agreed. I also didn't tell Carol to do that. She did that after her and Josh had a conversation about what had happened. Another thing is Jenn, don't kid yourself, I blew through a 35,000 dollar [insurance] check taking care of us, making sure we had a good time and 2 to 3 thousand every month up until i did that year in county (jail) [Yeah, I was a great provider until I got arrested! And by provider I mean cashing an insurance check]. So don't cry to me about a couple hundo [that's right, he's too cool to say hundred] and your fucking Ford Contour. I think your being rude, and you tried your damnest to fuck frank. [OK this is where it goes off the rails. He couldn't wait to mention the whole frank thing so he just shoehorned it in the conversation] I heard. [I'm confused, was she successful in her 'dam nest' attempt to fuck ole Frank?] That's funny [is it?], not that I care [well, I'm convinced. Nothing screams 'I care and it hurts so much' like saying I 'don't care'], cause I do have a good girl (a ride or die bitch I wish I always had) who does take care of me and keeps money on the phone and keeps me in touch with everyone [but only when I beg and grovel]. I'm in prison still pulling bitches [WOW!!! first of all he's definitely not and more importantly that's the most pathetic attempt at intended jealousy]. my point really isn't to brag, that's not what im trying to do. [It is] I'm just saying, its possible to still have a life and support someone in prison. even a little. you have just made NO effort at all and that piss people off and me. cause McDonald's checks weren't supporting our sort of lifestyle sweetie!!!!!! so I guess I wish you would change, but I doubt it. Anyways, happy to hear your grand ma is doing good. and next time you write, attach a stamp.” [OK, he's always good for a ridiculous ending but this one takes the cake. Let's examine: He spends 90% of this letter guilt tripping, berating, talking shit to, and begging for money. Then, literally in the 2nd to last sentence, he mentions her sick grandma's recovery? I have ask him how he carries around such big balls without a limp! And if you're still naive enough to think that he's done, you clearly don't know the ‘king’.]

[Our royal highness still has enough balls, and not enough shame, to ask this poor girl to attach a return stamp so she can continue this charming and fulfilling correspondence with her incarcerated ex-boyfriend. And now its clear how he became the king of Richmond: By sheer clumsy manipulation, a ruthless disregard for self respect, the freedom of movement that a spineless body provides and a fortitude willing to stoop to any low to accomplish his goal to get inebriated. The same way presidents get elected in this country. At any cost he would take the crown and he did. Without ever being to Richmond, I can say this with confidence: Anyone who would make him king and pay tribute to his court, truly deserves his rule. What a spectacular asshole the king is and I count him as a flawed degenerate of the worst degree. But I also count him as a friend…]