#because i cant control myself

[cemeterything]

#🐉 #personally im option 1 because at least if its the second one at least some of the fault isnt mine #i can live with being unable to control or predict other people #whereas if i cant articulate myself in the first place i feel a lack of self control. which i cant stand.

[merverelli]

just a couple of dirty bean boys!

#jacksepticeye #just like art #this was SO CLOSE to never being finished #art machine (me) broke halfway through but we did it #uni is............. going #even though im only doing 2 subjects im losing it man #i think its just ALL OF THE GROUP PROJECTS IM DOING #like my groups are fine theyre all sweet and nice but i just. #just let me do it by myself let me take 100% control without guilt let me only depend on myself doing it #im such a damn follower with group projects please itd be quicker if it was just me making my own shots instead of a second party coming in #and asking for my opinion when my opinion is always ''do whatever you want :)'' because i either dont mind OR i dont have the social energy #to say otherwise like theyd be fine with it but i just cant do it man i got anxiety of the social kind i cant keep going man i cant #i dont like feeling like im letting down other people or that theyre depending on me im bad under pressure #JUST LET ME DO IT ALONE AND ONLY DISAPPOINT MYSELF BRO CMON #the group projects are wrapping up soon so i cant complain but im screaming #besides that ive been good thanks for asking!

[puppyeared]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL #its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed #because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH #how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would #be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing #or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late #i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed #the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either #because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember #the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either #the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with #crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure #BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION #im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real #really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and #thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT #you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without #making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY #yapping #doodles #puppysona #edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule #and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened

[cheaploafs]

late night cuddles

#coffee talk #hyde #gala #galahyde #hyde coffee talk #gala coffee talk #coffee talk game #art tag #you all are coming with me on the journey of learning how to draw them <3 enjoy #also did i go overboard with thr chest hair? maybe. i don’t regret it though he’s a werewolf let him be hairy #anyway i love that vampires in this universe dont have pointy ears yet here i am. because i cant control myself #i already hc’d that hyde was a cuddler when it comes to sleeping so it was nice of gala to confirm kt by compairing him to a cat thank you #they are just.. you give me a game with a vampire/werewolf bond im going to go bonkers over them .. chefs kiss #i like to think hyde is like a heavy sleeper because how else do vampires sleep for liek decades in coffins you know #i mean they probably dont in this game obviously but listen man shsjdkfk #and for gala i think he’s more of the opposite #because werewolves tend to be restless so just very light sleeper maybe even has insomnia too #overall i am rotating them so much in my brain .. like i just think theyre neat #also saw in the little pixle arts for the game that hyde has piercings as well ive never bene more happier in my life like YES.. YESSSSS

[shanti-ashant-hai]

why can i not. do things. anymore.

what is wrong

#i want to draw #and play instruments #and learn new things #but i just. dont have the energy anymore????? #which is weird because im my jee era i forced myself to do things i didnt have the energy for and it went good #now i simply. cannot. do things. #ive been trying to draw for ages but i cant buy a fucking canvas #heck waking up in the morning is becoming tedious now #my life is supposed to be in my control why am i spiralling #shanti ki ashanti suno

[blueskittlesart]

me, thinking that i have at least a base level understanding of botw: :)

blue, about to write a 1,000+ word essay that is going to completely revamp my understanding of the game and interpretation of its events: bada bing bada boom

i dont know how you do it. i am incredibly impressed and using all of this for fic inspiration. keep writing

every time someone asks me how i do this shit i have to regrettably inform them that the real genuine answer is that i am fucking insane. my 2 passions in life are writing and video games and the place where the 2 converge fascinates me to no end and i am that special kind of crazy that is capable of latching onto something and not thinking about anything else for 10 years. so. the only thing i have cared about deeply for the last several years of my life has been the way video games are written and constructed. and zelda is one of the most interestingly constructed franchises i have found to date. these games are just like. the absolute perfect story for my brain to work with and i truly do not know who i would be without them. and i am genuinely incredibly grateful that ive been able to build a platform where people like. CARE about what i have to say and take the time to ask me to think about the games because like. i would be doing it ANYWAY but knowing that there are people who actually read my analysis and appreciate the amount of thought i put into this stuff makes me really happy lol

#i sincerely think video games are an art form and that so many stories benefit from being told interactively via video games #and i'm especially fascinated with the way loz chooses to tell its stories because the games are almost always designed so that the player #actively makes every decision in the storyline even though every game only has one preset ending. that's SO COOL. #ive found myself frustrated recently by rpgs that are super cutscene heavy and i was struggling to articulate why until i went back and #looked critically at the way zelda games are designed and i realized that there isn't a single cutscene in loz that openly takes away the #player's autonomy. cutscenes are almost always reserved for dialog or the beginnings of fight scenes but link almost never makes choices #without the player's input and that's a huge part of what keeps the games engaging! YOU are link. he's not a vessel you occasionally #control. he is you. his decisions are always yours. #and that's generally easier to do with a less complex storyline but the way botw kept that autonomy despite its complex story is SO clever #by making the cinematic cutscenes MEMORIES there's never any percieved loss of autonomy because the player understands that this is #something that has already happened so obviously there's no way they can alter link's choices. that's SO SMART #ANYWAY. i didn't mean for this to be a tag essay about video game mechanics sorry but tldr i am so so so passionate about this LOL #if you cant tell. very few people irl will listen to me talk for this long. this is why i love tumblr #asks

[lovings4turn]

in desperate need of more arber fics actually …

#˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚ becca speaks #this man is far too fine #gonna start writing them myself because i cant control my mind #arber xhekaj

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

i cannot help myself im sorry

#i will call the DOCTOR pinocchio i will call the MASTER pinocchio i dont CARE everyones getting pinocchiod #aw you thought you could be a real boy? no youre still stuck in the narrative buddy #as long as Someones fingers are on a keyboard Somewhere youre not getting out of this one #we're yanking your fucking strings forever and ever #see the thing that gets me about the whole...........narrative thing #is that like watching is the control #'im nothing without an audience' #'if nobodys watchig doctor who kills himself' #like. we make him exist by watching him #idk if other writers feel the same but i feel like that when im writing like im watching whoever im writing #sometimes i close doors and lock myself out #on purpose #bc like. im not watching that #you know? #the thing that CREATES is the thing that CONTROLS #in the same action #which is why i cant stop calling them pinocchios #we watch. and we control by watching. the characters are beholden to narrative rules #because we are watching #the characters dont EXIST. unless we are watching

[8rujaa]

my therapist really saved me….

#tw abuse // tw sa #i can’t sleep bc i keep thinking about this. #like i probably would’ve not been here if it weren’t for her #i started seeing her january of 2023… my life has changed entirely since then and she was definitely the one who got the ball rolling #literally so much has changed since then and it’s all because of her #i was so dissociated during our first few sessions #thanks to her i was able to get diagnosed and medicated for adhd. i was able to realize i was in an abusive situation and plan a way out #i was able to focus on myself and my healing and she’s helped me reframe so much of my negative thinking #i was able to process a lot of emotions and become a better version of myself with each session #she’s truly incredible. #i remember the first comment she made about the relationship had been ‘’so it’s like there’s an imbalance of control in the relationship’’ #i had put my partners on such a high pedestal that i had no idea they could be doing anything wrong #and i asked her what she meant and she said ‘from what you’ve been describing it’s sounds like a strict parents and child type of dynamic’ #she told me they didn’t need to understand why i wanted to leave and they didn’t need to make that decision. if that’s what was going to be #best for me the only thing i could do is let them know my reasoning and simply leave. i didn’t need their permission.’’ #i remember being so confused at that realization bc like… i had been putting their emotions over mine the whole time i had forgotten simply #doing what’s best for me was an option… l #ever since then i’ve been putting myself first and it’s been a steady uphill from rock bottom… i’ve made an incredible amount of progress #when i first started with her getting out of bed and walking to the kitchen was incredibly difficult and took all my strength. #yesterday i conquered a mountain!!!!!!! i hiked all the way to the top!!!!! :D #me a year ago thought it was going to take me years and years to recover. as soon as i left i made leaps of progress #im incredibly proud of myself and grateful for her. and my reiki lady she’s also been a great great help. #the silver lining is i realized who really matters. and the relationships i cared about deepened. #my sweet virgo friend was the one who was always like ‘THATS A GROWN ASS MAN WHO CANT UNDERSTAND BASIC CONSENT???’ #LMFAO i would be like ‘but he has trauma and bla bla bla’ she looked me dead in the eyes and said #’jess you said with your last boyfriend that you would never make excuses for a man who was hurting you again. stop defending him.’ #she’s really a gem and i treasure her with my life. i hope she knows i love her. she’s family at this point #she’s also literally saved my life before (like deadass called 911 for help) #im glad i had the support system i had. that was a rough situation with so many layers and im glad i got through it #my 22nd year of life was by far the worst of my life and i don’t ever want to put myself in that situation again. im glad i learned.

[volivolition]

Yoooo Voli I made ya a Electrochemistry × Volition playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/19Au6o98AzOf4hEGLMHKtB?si=7kBYYWAhSR-TuLPYicpgYg&pi=a-iR4K2sFbQsWA

also I can't DM you bc you don't follow me, LEMME IN PLS :3

oh hi hello! oooh, hold on, lemme add the link so its clickable. some cool songs in here, thank you for sharing :D!!

also yeah, sorry! :'3 DMs make me nervous and uncomfortable unfortunately, and i much prefer communicating through asks and comments if thats cool!!

#coffee is an EXTREMELY good one for them. i understand the vision of this one PERFECTLY. ''just a sip!'' ''maybe a cup of self-control'' #politely considering the implications of love like you. ''if i could begin to do something that does right by you'' as echem and ''i could- #even learn how to love like you'' as voli. i cant put this into words. echem self aware he's fucking it up. voli not letting himself give #into vices like love. traits they look at each other at first with a scoff (''you keep suggesting vices that will hurt harry.'' ''maybe let #yourself have a good thing sometimes you killjoy!'') but they better each other. echem looking forward to better things; little joys #voli learning to allow those little joys and love. is this anything?? i just want them to help each other heal. #and then dead girl walking. thinks about it and smirks to myself slightly. yeah. yeah i get it lmao. #left brain right brain is just a big musical number with several skills taking different lines #left brain: logic; ency; viscalc; voli; authority?; esprit; endurance?; pain thresh; h/e coord; interfacing; composure #right brain: rhetty; drama; concept; inland; empy; suggestion; phys inst; ECHEM.; half lit; savvy; react speed #shiv isnt here because she will not be involved in this lmao. percep is just chilling. it's senses baby!! it's not getting in on this lmao #this is so sad for my empath and voli bestie agenda but alas. #anyway may i suggest: 'A Lovely Night' from La La Land | 'Bad Little Boy' from Adventure Time | 'Weak' by AJR | 'Sweet Talk' Saint Motel #and on my bullshit as usual: ''From Eden' by hozier because ''chivalry fell on his sword / i slithered here from eden'' is so volichem :] #volta transmissions

[puppyeared]

if you're walking at 5mph, but your feet are on sideways, and the sky turns green at 2:53, and Keanu Reeves has been sent to Neptune, what's your favorite video game

i cant walk 5mph in the first place, im only 5'4 and i have to walk like marvin the fucking martian everywhere i go

if my feet were on sideways i would still manage to get my shoes on wrong because i cant tell my left from my right

if the sky turns green that means every single car on the road is allowed to go at the same time

keanu reeves cant be sent to neptune with an expired passport

my favorite videogame MIGHT be professor layton and the diabolical box just because ive never been able to get over the ending, but mario galaxy and deltarune also come to mind

#this was very fun to answer thank u :o) ive always loved multiple choice questions #maybe if i had more multiple choice in my life id be able to get things done faster just closing my eyes and hoping for the best #its amazing that i dont own a magic eight ball. it would do wonders for my natural indecision and superstition #also to be fair ive only played the first two layton games even though i have the 3rd and 4th games on my cracked cartridge #BUT thats because my copy of unwound future is ass and it freezes on the opening cutscene so i cant even play it. sigh #maybe i should consider getting the mobile remastered versions but im lazy and i dont even know if i have enough storage space #there should be enough space on my ipad though so maybe. or ill back up some files to make room idk #i would have also answered undertale bc i had a huge undertale phase when it came out but im gonna be honest. ive never actually played it #im actually wondering if i should buy a copy for myself for xmas using grays steam account #the only thing im worried about is my motor skills are bad with keyboard and im dreading the asgore fight bc i heard its hard #but ive also never watched a full playthru so i feel like id be going into the game blind which sounds exciting. and ill prbably cry a lot #besides that ive been replaying mario galaxy with gray and i forgot how good the game is.. i love the ambience and game mechanics #although the races are so nerve wracking and i hate the controls sometimes. did u know i died on loopdeloop galaxy TWELVE FUCKING TIMES #also deltarune because i love EVERYTHING abt it i love the lore i love SUSIE i love the whole thing kris has going on #yapping #ask

[cosmic-kaden]

Looks like I got to reiterate this again =_=; Thinking I should slap this into my carrd somewhere because I'm tired of saying it every year-

#You call my phobia cute you get blocked. Sorry- that's not okay to say to someone. My phobia isn't fucking cute. Do you know how much #fucking stress my body has to deal with when I get triggered by my phobia? It literally feels like I'm going to die. not even kidding. I #shake my chest gets incredibly tight. I can't control my breathing at all which makes me light-headed I try to make myself #as small as fucking possible. my hands are usually over my ears with or without headphones and I cry uncontrollably. #Don't fucking tell me my phobia is cute. It's a living hell when I get triggered by it. #It's bad enough I get told I'm childish and that I have a 'child's fear' #I'm having an extremely hard time right now! It's starting to storm here and I'm trying to deal with this shit and its hard because im all #alone here #i cant fuckking breathe

[craycraybluejay]

Bruh I be having literally the worst urges and I feel bad that I don't feel bad at all. Like damn. Guess I'm really like that. Well, anyway.

#i am apathetic to whatever monstrosities lie within my mindscape #or rather i enjoy them and am apathetic to the idea that they are evil #unfortunately the fact that I'm excited ab them makes me rly rly rly want to talk ab them #which would be bad #but if it gets bad enough i think its time i let my therapist in on the next circle of anouther hell #i know she will be kind no matter what i spring on her #but this. i dont know how to feel or what to think about all this #its pathological. i can fix it about as well as i can fix the fact that i adore music or get turned on by fear or am consistently- #-platonically or otherwise pulled to murderers and the like #i know its some psychosexual nonsense-- some fixation rooted in some perverse symbolism that i cant fully grasp #its so difficult to be a BadWrong thoughts and desires person #bc even tho i have like. some level of control and ethicsband whatnot. even tho im not doing the guilt ocd thing. #even though i know im ok the way i am #i also know i cant talk ab it. cant be excited about it. cant vent or happy rant about it. stay quiet. let it eat ya #cause ppl cant accept some things cant like. come to terms with things. again and again #i find myself relating more to 'good people' but being able to talk more openly and honestly with 'bad people' #like im too far from either side to ever be fully myself but i must let it out #and so i find i cant trust the people i love most with some of the most personal things more than i can trust a complete stranger #because at least that stranger has no spare room to judge. and i cant give af about losing a strangers high esteem of me #i share something truly heinous and sure i may be threatened but. disappointment from ppl u love is worse than murderous rage from strangers #which came first- the fixation or the corruption? i think it was the fixation #i was like that before. whatever false indulgences i have given myself will always sate the beast and not create it #i am not a bad person. but i will always have a monster inside me. a balancing act between #being a somewhat polite functioning member of society and completely losing myself to the dark #i dont hate myself. i wish i did sometimes so i wouldnt have the urge to vomit it all out #i wish i hated myself and felt such guilt over all that so i could be happy with being quiet. i wish it was only good that excited me proper #or rather i wish i knew someone like me in the right ways. irl. no phones no danger. who i could share with excitedly and not feel like ill #be told that im a freak who deserves to die. someone who will share equally horrific things with me and will keep me in check #i want talk therapy but with someone that has something SO wrong with them. a friendship that is nasty and fun and grossly honest #someone to say 'i know what ur talking ab/how u feel' when i say something pitch dark

[calamitys-child]

Hornyposting in tags skip if u dont wanna see

#like wrestling collar matches right. idk. yesterday i was trying to explain my Deal to a friend when they asked if i was a puppy #and i was like. im not a puppy. because im not cute sweet baby boy . im a fucking Mutt. #im a grown ass dog with teeth. #and im a werewolf. im scared of the part of me with claws and teeth and no self control #and i love the part of me with teeth and claws and no self control #i dont want head pets sit up and beg good boy #at least DEFINITELY not outright #i want to be chained up and slapped and only when ive broken myself against my leash and am too tired to fight is it safe to pet me #i want reassured that i cant bite people because even when i get twitchy or scared or snappy the muzzle keeps me from hurting anyone else #and I dont want degradation i want seen as an equal being worthy of respect #and pro wrestling collar matches. i feel more resonance with that than i do with almost any pup play content ive ever seen #i want a fight. and maybe i want to lose. just to prove to myself that im not the threat im scared i am

[tatatatatara]

I just... love how Tatara is emotional and Houji is rational.

Like in their fight it was clear that they are the polar opposite Tatara was losing his mind and Houji was calm and composured. Houji even told Tatara that "intense emotions cloud one's judgment" like emotion is his weakness and rationality is the key for winning.

Then later on Houji was killed because he was too rational. He did the thing he was ordered to do, instead of the thing his heart truly wanted.

As a high-ranked member of CCG, he prioritized the rules, he considered how Takizawa killed people, he obeyed the orders, thus ignoring the fact that he cared about Takizawa or Takizawa cared about him. He put the well-being of an organisation, or of the society before the feelings of an individual, which is Takizawa and himself. Because he trusted reason and logic.

There are better way to handle that situation and Houji just went with the most straightforward way: ignoring Takizawa's old self (which he knew that was definitely still there) and assigning him as Owl [SS+ Ghoul], just like what's in the files of CCG. Because that's more convenient to him. He was not killing an old subordinate. He was exterminating a ghoul and it helped him control his useless emotions easier. But if he follows those emotions, like Akira did, things might not end up that ugly, for both him and Takizawa.

My personal reflection under the cut

Alright this seems to be obvious and I'm just repeating what's in the canon but growing up, I've always been told to be rational. That I shouldn't cry, or be angry, or be depress. This created a habit of me dismissing my own feelings, that they are invalid and stupid and I should act more like an adult not a crybaby for the longest time. I still have that habit now actually, and I didn't even realize that it was a bad one until my friends told me.

I never knew that being emotional can be good. I was told to always follow the rules like a machine, and emotions will just get in my way. But TG, and many other medias show me that sometimes follow my heart is actually the best answer. And Im grateful for that

#yesterday i was crying for nearly 3 hours because i cant control my emotions and i keep telling myself to control it but i cant #it was miserable #dismissing my own emotions dont make me feel better and it took me 22 years to know this

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Mm lovely how quickly feeling mildly frustrated and irritable escalates into full fledged meltdown anyway I GOTTA fins something to do other than stare at my phone today so. Bye

#literally if i hold it a second longer i am going to slam it into the floor until it smashes. #it took everythingvi had not to start smashing every plate and glass we had bc i spilled some soap into a glass i was still drinking from. #i got stuck in a game and slammed the controller against my head hard enough to leave a like 2 inch high bump #i want to throw myself through the window. i want to go for a walk and jump in the river. i want to stand in front of a train. #i want the bannana flavoured cyanide from fallout and the energy drink that makes you high from silt verses #i want it to be fucking OVER and i am SO. FUCKING. SICK. of people telling me itnwill get better because FUCKING WHEN #WHEN WILL IT. ITS BEEN A YEAR AND A HALF. #im literally just existing for weeks at a time until payday and i get to feel alive again for maybe 2 days before the debt settles back #i cant. i cant live like this man