#now i simply. cannot. do things.

[shanti-ashant-hai]

why can i not. do things. anymore.

what is wrong

#i want to draw #and play instruments #and learn new things #but i just. dont have the energy anymore????? #which is weird because im my jee era i forced myself to do things i didnt have the energy for and it went good #now i simply. cannot. do things. #ive been trying to draw for ages but i cant buy a fucking canvas #heck waking up in the morning is becoming tedious now #my life is supposed to be in my control why am i spiralling #shanti ki ashanti suno

[kenmaiii]

after two years i finally draw the favorite

#my art #still learning honestly. idk how to explain it but some medias youre so fixated on and obsessed with u instantly want to draw everyone #for me dunmeshi has always been the opposite. series and characters i enjoy sm i cannot bring myself to pick up a pencil #for some reason. it got a lot worse once the anime started airing idk. simply forcing myself to get some of my energy out. in a way #dunmeshi #dungeon meshi #thistle #dunmeshi thistle #thistle dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #>_< series i was into since late 2021. yet u wouldnt know that unless u follow my side twitter account. sowwy ig #i do this with a lot of franchises honestly. cannot bring myself to draw even if i think abt the characters constantly. ie skip to loafer #u will nvr catch me calling this guy sissel sorry. save that name for Mr. Ghost Trick. another thing i. also. dnt talk abt. which i adore #i need to get better at talking abt and expressing myself for the things that i enjoy. ive been wanting to draw laios for a good #while too but im scared. for some reason. u-u should nvr let a white man do that to me honestly. #for now i'll thistle tho. maybe we will get kabru namari or mithrun next from me >_< i have to talk myself into it #i think the closest way i can explain why i cannot bring myself to draw for some series is that i dnt want to mess up somehow #like 'ilu so much [character] what if i cnt draw u the way u deserve even tho i love u sm what if its not enough.' <- leaves it to sm1 else #tbh [scratches head] i prefer the version with less coloring ^-^ but i realize the one thats more colored would get more eyes on it... hm

[icewindandboringhorror]

Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb

#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that #you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario #where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality #and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do #also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute #like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the #AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties #on people last minute lol #assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about #birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc. #ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted #AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj #I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people #I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews #or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made #surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra #m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj) #I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat #whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh #New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing #for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way #*** *** *** #< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol) #(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me) #BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you? #:0c

[lorillee]

im really normal about them <- lie

#ace attorney #mia fey #diego armando #miego #lorillee.png #THATS RIGHT BABY. AFTER -um . hold on. *checks notes* - SIX MONTHS. LORILLEE IS BACK WITH PHOTOSHOP ART 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 #every now and again i like to put effort into something just to remind everybody that i can actually draw #well i say that but to be honest i put a lot of effort into those ms paint ''diego fey REAL'' doodles #but half of that is just because humans are a . something. to draw. and urban backgrounds are my worst nemesis #and also trying to work with ms paint to like slightly transform things is an incredible pain in the behind #anyways. yeagh 😎👍 behold the power of miego. getting me to actually finish something in photoshop for the first time in months #anyways. ive discovered the secret to getting me to draw stuff on photoshop. prepare yourselves accordingly #what i need to do is sketch & line something in ms paint. and then directly trace it over into photoshop #and then i can go ham #see because the reason i never did this before was because i would sketch things in ms paint #and try to line them in photoshop and it simply Wouldnt Work. #so i had assumed that if i wanted to draw in photoshop id have to sketch in it first. yknow. which i cannot do for some reason #something about the way the pen feels and the . its like the smoothing setting is on even when its on 0 percent. you know. anyways #but with this one i drew mia in ms paint as per usual . and i wanted to mess around with color & light #and i triedddd to do it in ms paint but unfortunately as you can probably imagine. doing stuff like this without layer filters #can get a little difficult. if you know what youre doing its obviously going to be easier but that being said i do not #when i pick colors i am literlaly just wildly guessing 😭🙏 which is fine for more straightforward coloring/shading #but not quite here. which is why i wanted to take a stab at it in the first place #so anyways i was like FINE WHATEVER and tried tracing the lineart in photoshop so i could take a stab at coloring in there #and i was . enlightened. (no pun intended). it WORKS #so anyways . you may actually be able to expect. some photoshop art from me #well ok thats a lie never expect art from me. but we can all dream together #anyways they really are the star-crossed doomed by the narrative romance ever. everything to me

[quarks-pussy]

So I know we here at Startrekfandom love that "came back wrong but from the pov of the wrong" thing and apply it to many different characters and canon situations and I am far from trying to complain about it (I'm "came out wrong" trope myself so I was always gonna obsess over it) but having recently watched a very important episode (you'll know which one) for the first time I think there's a character who hits both tropes mentioned but llike, intertwined, opposite and subverted, and whom I wanna talk about.

Julian Bashir.

From his parents' pov he's "came out wrong but we got him help and he came back better" while from his own pov it's "came out 'insufficient', was destroyed for it, came back wrong and only later slowly came to terms with his new self tho never the process (justifiably so)" and it's heartbreaking because in a way, he's right! Jules Bashir died! His parents had an intellectually disabled child and decided to eugenics him! Julian is not the person he used to be and while I do love the person he is now, that doesn't bring back who he was! Part of me wishes we could've gotten to see Jules at least once and part of me hopes we never do because my heart would shatter.

This isn't a good comparison but nonetheless one I can't help drawing: it's giving similar vibes to anti-vaxxers. "I'd rather risk having a child who is dead than one who's autistic". Obviously this doesn't map over since Julian is still autistic and the procedure his parents subjected him to specifically targeted his intellectual disability and if any folks with id wanna comment on this I definitely recommend you listen to them over me, but it's a similarity I, as an autistic who has encountered anti-vaxxers again and again, can't help but point out. "Give me a normal child or give them death."

This may have been written about already but there needs to be stories about teenage Julian (after finding out and rediscovering who he was) practicing some good ol' recognition of the self through media. I need to hear about how he would encounter a story about someone who came back wrong (I'm gonna assume there's plenty of "wrong" pov stories floating around by the 24th century) and absolutely weep. I need to see Julian mourning Jules, taking years and years to process his feelings, experiencing guilt about how he, the imposter, didn't deserve to live Jules' life.

Came back wrong from the returned's pov but it wasn't an accident. It was done to you deliberately by the people who claim to love you. And now you are here, piloting the corpse of your predecessor.

Jules Bashir is dead. Long live Julian Bashir.

#i've called julian jules before simply as a normal nickname but i don't think i ever will again. not after this #and knowing that if it had been possible i would have probably gone the way jules did. knowing that at his age i would have gone willingly. #fuck dude i am literally actually crying literal tears irl right now this is not a joke #fuck!!!!! #julian bashir #jules bashir #doctor bashir i presume #came back wrong #star trek deep space nine #HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD!! HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD AND THEY KILLED HIM!!!! #i cannot stop crying i am literally crying and like not even just a little #i cannot... poor julian how the FUCK do you ever come to terms with something like that #and like... julian remembers. he has most if not all of jules' memories and also knows he was murdered simply for not being julian #like how did he cope #(im about to go off on a tangent that will contain censored names for the sake of not clogging those tags if you dont know who i mean hmu) #like this is literally the thing that fucked up j*ran so bad he went on a murder spree isn't it #he remembers the one who came before who was killed. very different circumstances of course esp since tr*ll are expected to replace one ano #another but he remembers this person he remembers BEING this person who was young and simply enjoying life and who died a sudden death and #he remembers the experience of that death as well and how it lead to his own creation. it's not remotely similar ofc but considering that #the only time we see t*rias in alpha canon is in julian's body... i need to lie down for a moment. #and jor*n couldn't cope! he couldn't! it was far too much and the weird thing is right now in this moment i GET it y'know?? like that's #so horrific. and i haven't watched any jo*an episode besides facets yet but do you think. do you think j*dzia told julian about all this an #he nodded along and kept composure and then when he was alone he broke down crying? like julian you're doing SO well ily you're coping and #you shouldn't have to obviously but you do nonetheless!! do you think julian still has something from jules? like i've heard there's a tedd #but i mean jules prolly didn't keep a diary he was a six year old with an intellectual disability it's pretty unlikely he could write but #does julian have drawings made by jules? i'd like to think so but honestly his parents probably threw them out. like they also moved so #sorry i'm just. many thoughts head full. ive stopped crying now but who knows for how long. also i'll have to tag this with my original tag #maybe i should've picked something less silly for when i make serious posts but like what am i gonna change my url as well? don't think so #original posts fresh from quark's pussy #and thats the tag limit folks it's been fun. i had to delete two other tags but my god. anyway. thinking about jules bashir forever & cryin

[angelsdean]

seeing a post that gets some things right (interesting complex john thoughts) but other parts dead wrong (bad dean takes) has me like *eye twitch*

#reducing a complicated plot to dean hates all monsters and thinks every monster needs to be killed is um. first of all not even canon #do i need to bring out all the posts abt dean's monster ethics and how he thinks a monster is someone who hurts / kills innocent ppl #and that definition includes humans who do monstrous things too (a theme explored in multiple episodes in s1 !!!!) #but anyways. no he did not think jack should be killed bc he was ~not human~ he thought jack was a Dangerous supernatural being #since ya know. he Was. literally thee most powerful being after god / amara. and they had no idea what he might do. he was not their Baby #or their Kid yet. he was a stranger. a strange new supernatural being that they might have to stop. #s12 finale literally leaves off on a cliffhanger positioning jack to potentially be the new 'Big Bad' #so he's a stranger AND the son of lucifer (they had no idea how that would affect jack yet) AND he seemingly brainwashed cas and kelly #bc remember cas was all about Free Will and Choice and Fuck Heaven / Paradise / Peace #and then suddenly he's going against his core beliefs talking abt paradise on earth and jack needing to fulfill his Destiny like ??? #i'd be sus af too if i were dean #dean had no reason to trust jack right off the bat. 'oh but he should've trusted him bc cas did' ok and cas is dead now so ?? #then there's the soulless jack stuff which is a whole other complicated beast. and dean was not the only one trying to stop jack then eithe #but anyways. no you cannot reduce dean's complex feelings abt jack to simply 'lol dean hates monsters and wants them all dead' #he doesn't. half his family and friends are literally monsters. anyways. #vic.txt

[thebirdandhersong]

btw if you know good ways to deal with an achey heart (this is not a physical condition btw I just happen to be in love for the second time in my life and it is awful) I would also appreciate practical wisdom!!!

#ladiessss this is simply.............. not it!!!!!! #i have done my bit of weeping and wailing in this vale of tears and i cannot do it any longer :))))) there is TOO much going on #for me to drown in this ish. especially since ** ***** ******* **** and **** ***** **** ** #i am seeking the good of the other i am doing my best not to be self absorbed and sentimental and too transparent #however it is a hard time over here especially with everything else going on #i don't usually get so sad that my chest physically hurts but this is where we're at right now!!! #once again asking for help and prayer #it was fine (...ish) in september but i'm unfortunately down REAL bad and there is no end in sight only horrid things one after another #also i am so sorry that all i seem to post is miserable stuff whenever im here it seems like all i do is complain these days while posting #there IS so much to be grateful for and i often forget that in the wake of Tragic Things there is STILL hope and joy and goodness #the waiting room chapter

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Anyone else have near-perfect executive function at work; but at home, have literally no energy or motivation to do anything except lie in a dark room, with something in or on your ears for several hours?

#It’s got to be the schedule keeping me on task at work #I love microdosing strict routines (not having an actual routine for the day; but having routines for small tasks #which piss me off if I can’t carry them out precisely the way I planned) #For instance: If I’m asked to paperclip a bunch of stuff together with multicolored paperclips of various sizes #I cannot just indiscriminately pick paperclips from the container because that is WRONG and ILLEGAL #The colors must fit the theme of the assignments; and the colors must alternate in a specific order #and the paperclips must all be the same size #If I’m asked to dump out and clean containers of writing utensils I am going to sort them by type and color #whether you like it or not #Black permanent markers have their own container in a different section from the blue permanent markers #Dry-erase markers are not to be mixed with permanent markers because they are easily confused and it is WRONG and ILLEGAL #Do not fuck with the system. It’s the only organizational skill I have and by fucking GOD I’m going to use it in EXCESS #I stuff and fill out envelopes the exact same way every time because if I do it any other way it is WRONG and ILLEGAL #The stamp always goes on last to minimize monetary waste if there is a mistake #Now you’d think my room is squeaky clean and organized because of how particular I am about these small tasks #Right? Right? #NO IT IS NOT. It looks like a bomb went off. Cleaning the room is a big task which cannot be accomplished within two hours #therefore I have discarded it as anything I need a routine for because it would take too long to come up with #and it is very hard for me to do things like that without instructions or a sense of consistency #So I simply don’t #“After five years the dust doesn’t get any worse” correct; but the mold certainly does #I am convinced half my problems with organization as a kid would have been solved if I just had a hamper #“We have a clothes chute; you don’t need a hamper” Maybe you don’t but I DO #I want one now; but I’m going to use it as incentive to get an apartment #because that’s another thing I need to smuggle and I have too much already

[madhushala]

everyone prioritizes their family and that means even extended chacha ke chacha fufa ke tau etc and i can't even prioritize my sagi one i hate myself

#and its not that they're bad or anything #but im such a people pleaser i feel validation from strangers is more important than family #its because maybe ive watched them too closely and nothing about them fascinates me anymore i know the pattern #and my fun is meeting new people cracking the code #but still #i hate that people will cut your calls leave your message unread kyunki aaj poora din bua mausi aaye the #wish i was that focused on my relatives #ill literally text call anyone even in a middle of a fucking apocalypse #idk yall should tell me if im doing something wrong do yall keep your phones away and forget to text your friends #but i can't focus one thing for too long i cannot physically see messages decking up and not reply #i hate this #do people simply not check. there phone as often or am i an addict #or have i still not learnt to be in the moment #and tomorrow night i leave for home and my friends have planned a meet up #now frn 1 comes to home for one month in her holidays so giving one day or even two days to friends doesn't matter #frn 2 lives in hometown so there's no problem but mind you if she comes she has to leave in 2 minutes because her mom calls every five #minutes just to get her back to home for nothing #frn 3 comes home same as me aka 4-5 days so giving 1 day to friends is parents saying tumhe hamse matlab nahi hai tyohaar mei bhi har baar #milne jaana hota hai #etc #but im home past 4 days ivd literally done nothing papa bhai se utni hi baat hui jitni phone par ho jaati hai #haan for mummy i spent time with her #but most of the time i was on tumblr or scrolling insta to kya hi matlab hua mere ghar aane ka #that means unhe bas meri physical presence chahiye #na ghar par bua aayi na mama na koi #lekin ab kal mujhe jaana hai to kal mama aa jaayenge #why are things this way

[ritzcrackee]

ruehob tragedy ruehob tragedy ruehob tragedy

#GAH #HE NEVER UNLEARNS HIS SENSE OF DUTY!!!! #HE SIMPLY FINDS A DIFFERENT THING TO SERVE!!!! #THEY NEVER UNDERSTAND HIS LOWBORN STATUS!!!! #THOUGH THEY BOTH DO NOT FIT IN THEIR COURTS THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY WILL FIT WITH EACH OTHER #does rue love him or do they love the idea of freedom that he provides... #he never stops feeling that ashamed panicked self hatred about his feelings #though they are themself around him is he ever himself around them??? #they have made a new home in eachother but it is a house of sticks... #one gust of conflict and the whole thing falls apart #what happens when rue loses their temper? when hob needs rigidity and stability that rue cannot provide? #when rue needs to stretch their wings but is smothered by the unceasing attention that hob cannot turn off? #yes their eyes are on eachother for now but some day those eyes will wander somewhere else #and i doubt they will wander in the same direction #BSODOSBDK bro wrote a whole essay in the tags 💀 #go to sleep old man #d20 #acofaf #erp

[anglerflsh]

I'm having a normal one about wanting to get out of highschool btw

#[.txt] #''a normal one'' I broke a ruler in three different points because I couldn't do my math homework. #that's it I am going to go hit things in genshin impact until I'm regular again #and if this is the year I fail math then so be it I cannot stand this #my teacher keeps skipping material because we are late with the curriculum because of the covid years and I am not. I can't. #I don't have the time to go over it myself. I don't care for it. I'll graduate anyways #the final exam isn't only math. #I'm simply angry because I get the theory of this! I really do!! I understand derivatives and integrals and limits!!! I get it! #I can't do the problems because I'm missing material we were supposed to do! That I did not do! Because of the covid lockdown! #I want to get into a fistfight right now.

[tardis--dreams]

You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore

#okay I'm a little ashamed #it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester #but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it #(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude #to ask if it was still okay to send it #especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it #it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion' #so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail #and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. ) #it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March #so I'm not behind for once) #and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago #so i don't have to do that next semester #and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester #I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on #I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long #the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was #I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things #i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done. #void screams

[eclipsesalign]

“Oh we’re a new and awesome website for hosting your art!”

Cool, can I register?

“Oh no not right now.”

Are there registration windows? Or codes?

“We open 10 registration slots every 8 hours :]”

What

“Yeah and the second it opens all the slots fill up immediately. Sorry, need to wait another 8 hours I guess.”

#i dont even care if the website is like shoddy or im not gonna use it eventually i just #WHY WOULD YOU DO IT LIKE THAT #Why am I fighting for my life to get into this thing surey your servers arent that at risk of being overloaded #or surely theres a less obtuse way to do this #a waitlist would be greaaaat #god i just wanted a better way to archive my art besides tumblr #AND SOMETHING THATS NOT ONE OF THOSE SHITTY TWITTER REPLACEMENTS #you cannot pay me to use bluesky (for now) #i simply will not

[mayonaka-sunshine]

HEY VANIII hows it going bff :)

HIIIII KAI :3 its goin. i am sufferin a lil but who isn't in this economy. but i am also playing p3re so like. we take those small wins

howre u????

#the hospital absolutely dropped the ball on getting me some of my meds so now i gotta deal with The Bloodening until my new #birth control pills actually GET to me :/ bc i've been off those stupid things for like a week now. its awful. i take them to get RID of #The Bloodening bc its so painful for me 😭 also my chronic pain has gotten worse bc my shoes suck ass so walking hurts 👍 #i can whine abt it but i cannot do anything abt it so ! i must simply stay silly >:3

[rapidhighway]

i’m never actually going to talk to my professor about it but can’t she just read my mind and realize i have like the worst case of time blindness in history PLEASE ToT

#i wouldn’t even know how to explain this to someone like i can;t describe something that just isnt there and my sense of time just simply #doesnt exist at all man #i just live in a void and things happen and then suddenly im in deep shit im sorry this literally cannot be fixed #okay okay okayi went insane for a minute im calm now #ouough #in a class where you have to check in regularly and show what you’re doing and i just realized i only was there ONCE #i thought i had SO MANY more weeks omg im sosrry ifdjidjifhfidfh #i thought i had so much more time apparently i have only one more im going to explode #i had no fuckign idea i knew the dates and everything but my brain just dont work plllleeeeeaseeeee ToT #ggrhejehudhducdgucdgcud #throws up #pls pls pls pls #pls i have a disordar