#but I feel like idk stopping just not trying anymore sometimes

[butmakeitgayblog]

can we talk about how lexa would act if clarke came walking out the bathroom with no pants on and lexa just dead stops mid conversation and just stares mouth wide open even tho the conversation was a serious one at that. she doesnt even continue talking until clarke is out of site because she just cant get out of the bubble of clarke with no pants and smirking the hell out of her.the rest of the days meetings are just not gonna work for her anymore.

I actually think Lexa would be quite adorable when it came to having Clarke feeling so comfortable in her space. Don't get me wrong, I agree with you in that, at first, it would take some time for her to get used to it. Not just having someone in her space like that, but Clarke specifically in her space. And nude. On a regular basis.

I think at first she'd be rather struck by it. The feeling of waking up and looking over and seeing Clarke sleeping on her extra pillow. Hair a blonde trainwreck (idk why but i feel like canon Clarke is a messy sleeper when she actually gets a full 8hrs in an actual bed), mouth slightly open in little kitten snores, and yet all Lexa can do is try and breathe normally because her heart pounds so hard it almost hurts.

But more it's the casual intimacies I think that would hit Lexa the hardest (in entirely good ways). The moments of discussing their plans for the day as Clarke pads out of the bathroom fresh from a bath, her hair slightly darkened from the water and smelling like Lexa's soaps. Smelling like Lexa herself. Almost like a... Like a claim over her. Over each other. Because that's what they do now 😳. They really do smell like each other's soaps and perfumes. They get dressed together sleep together and eat dinner together, and also Clarke likes to steal Lexa's slightly too big lounge shirts that show off just a little bit of buttcheek and a whole lot of cleavage when perpetually left half undone, just to parade around her their room while she gets ready for bed. Like she owns it. (She does. She owns everything, including the contents of her wardrobe and also Lexa's entire ass.)

And just. Sometimes it'd be more than Lexa can really make any sense of.

Because love was supposed to be weakness, and while she is indeed weak for this fuckin chaotic mess of a woman, the moments when Clarke catches her staring and grins at her, when Lexa can't stop herself from grinning right back at being caught... nothing about this between them feels like anything other than strength. Certainly not when Clarke adds an extra sway to her hips just because she knows Lexa is watching. When Lexa gets to the point where it's not quite so overwhelming thinking about Clarke in her space and in her clothes and in her bed that she can walk right up and put her hands on those hips without questioning if the touch is welcome.

So yeah, I think it'd be a process, but also once the dams had been opened I think Lexa would've welcomed it. All she'd wanted from the start was for Clarke to want her to be close too, and while I think some lingering hesitance from fear of invoking Clarke's anger would linger for awhile, I believe wholeheartedly it wouldn't take long for Miss Body Glitter Sultry Eyes Grabby Hands kom Lesbiankru to relax into the reality of being with Clarke. I think she'd look, and enjoy looking. And more than that, I think she'd enjoy the fact that Clarke knows she's looking. Aaand I think, despite being a walking gay 404 error message at any given moment, I think that flirty little shit would be making bedroom eyes at Clarke whenever she got the chance.

Especially when it involved her girl wearing no pants.

#anon #clexa #also smitten #can't forget smitten #i think most times when Lexa wasn't in Heda mode and the world wasn't actively trying to kill one or both of them #she'd be extremely smitten with that little barely there smile she reserves only for Clarke

[deityofhearts]

i need to stop reading too much into things/reading too much into nothing

#deity dialogue #it’s just hard not to #like I think I’m at least not as bad about it as I use to be #but I feel like idk stopping just not trying anymore sometimes #I feel like I’m annoying and should stop #I know I’m just dumb and have rsd and like problems it’s just hard not to feel this way #but I never stop because I give myself a pep talk and make myself believe I’m being silly only to feel bad again lmao #I feel stupid and annoying and it’s not worth bringing up or bothering people with so instead y’all are getting the vaugest post that I’m #probs going to delete later anyways or just send straight to my drafts #i hateeee feeling like this it’s so absurd and unnecessary and stupid #it’s 12:46am I shouldn’t like listen to rsd thoughts anyways #ignoring that I usually feel this way far before this time but it’s usually worse when it’s night and there’s not much left to do #today has been an okay day #I didn’t get my daily chores done so I gotta finish those tomorrow along with tomorrows tasks #we did end up getting food from my fave place and i have leftovers for tomorrow #kane and I have been watching bones and it’s been fun #kane does leave tomorrow which is :( sad #but I’ve been saving some videos to watch in his absence to distract me from the overall lonliness #idk it’s been a slow day #I finished a drawing also which is nice hooray #tomorrow I may try and draw #I have things I’ve been meaning to draw just like no motivation or inspiration to work on anything #i gotta get pose references and shit which i hate doing lmao #ugh I hate art. too bad I also love art

[yutaleks]

Hi aleks, sometimes I feel like, no one wants to connect on this social media site? Idk. The like to rb ratio is depressing. I mean, I’m grateful that people are liking my posts. But like. I wanna hear what they think too, ya know?

not sure if you are a writer im guessing from the wording of this ask that you are. but I think it's a bit hard these days to get the level of interaction that you may be asking for

depending on what fandom youre in or what character youre posting about or what trope youre writing etc etc the size of the audience will change. like I already know in my mind if im writing something that is more geared towards stereotypical heteronormative relationships that will get much more interaction than something that is subversive. or if im writing a fic for a popular character that will get much more interactions than a not so popular one.

But at the same time, coming from someone who used to write for a very popular character, I have to say that the grass is not always greener? As in, I think there is a difference between quantity and quality of interactions. If im writing something that I know a core base of people who follow me will like, I know I will most likely get at least some sort of interaction from people who typically enjoy that content. I find that interaction to be more meaningful, especially if it's something I enjoy talking about. vs, if I write something with a bigger 'audience', perhaps there will be more reblogs but the back and forth interaction does not happen. that person will read the fic, reblog or leave a comment, and then be on their way. It does not create this relationship where you end up having a back and forth conversation or becoming mutuals or anything like that (at least, in my experience).

Like if I post a fic that EYE enjoy, and I get ten comments from lovely people, that means more to me than a hundred interactions on a fic I didn't put my whole dick into. ya know?

idk where im going with this. I guess I wanna say if you are passionate about something, and you receive even a few bits of feedback, that will feel so much more rewarding than trying to 'chase' the feedback by writing things you think others will enjoy. and I think too that people will be able to tell when you are writing something that you feel passionate about.

im of the opinion that you can't force people to reblog and interact with your work. ive seen every excuse under the sun for why people wont reblog. but I think if someone feels as passionate about something as you do, they will overcome whatever shyness they feel to come tell you that they appreciate what you are doing

#idk if what I said makes any sense but #I think coming into Tumblr as a writer its okay to want a better rb to like ratio but don't feel discouraged #there is a lot stacked against you right now #no one that I know uses the tags anymore cause they are full of spam #so sometimes the fics that appear on the dashboard are just mutuals reblogging each other. and as a newbie those circles are hard to get in #so someone with no writer mutuals and no following... their posts wont be seen by anyone with significant pull/reach #I would say that I think 'bigger' writers on here should at least try every once and a while to peek into the tags and boost writers #that are new / starting out and making genuine efforts to write #I wont explain but I think when you've been on here long enough you can tell who is posting in the tags for 'Tumblr clout' and who I postin #fic bc they genuinely are passionate about it #but I know most writers on here only read whatever they see on their dash #if people actually stopped spamming the tags with nonsense and the tags were more useable I think we would all use them more... ironic #anyway. I personally always try to reblog fics with comments and check the tags every once and a while for fics to read #I think that is best practice for writers but I know not everyone does that... #in the same vein #i think if you put effort into being a good reader consistently. writers with larger followings will notice / want to be mutuals and help #boost your writing to the dashboard #writing fic is a community that takes genuine effort to grow #TLDR: be a good reader and reblog fics and interact with writers. write things that come from your heart. interactions will follow with tim #*time #long post #ϟ asking aleksandria

[pretentiouswreckingball]

Isn’t it So Fun when you don’t use ur socials anymore (like your personal accounts where irl people knows u) and one day u r scrolling through tt and u stumble upon a tt from a friend thinking that they just started posting on there and then u go “oh great! imma watch their stuff to give them boost!!” and then realizing, as u go through their account, that they’ve been posting for several months now and they’re doing quite well and you’re just founding out 🫠

#it’s been years and I still can’t do socials #and yet I missed it sometimes. I miss doing the routine I miss caring about it #I miss just being part of it but whenever I try to do it again i feel so out of practice I feel like im an outsider and I stop #I’ve always been a low maintenance kind of friendship but there are times when I wonder if im not there people would forget about me #and also just socials as a way to do other stuff like sharing your work and such. I want to but again I feel so out of touch that when I tr #I feel my skin crawl #idk idk I don’t feel like I belong anymore but thinking about it always overwhelms me so it’s just a lot :/ #anyway don’t mind me. just silly thoughts on a Monday night #loops is losing her mind again

[brainfullofbees]

.

#can i be so fucking honest right now #being like the only one in my friend group who doesn't do or even want to try drugs is so fucking isolating #i don't even want to be around it but i can't fucking escape it #they're constantly getting high before or while we hang out and i'm so tired #like we planned to hang out this past weekend and of course i get there and one of them is high and all they wanted to do was sit and #quietly watch always sunny #like. thanks. i barely get to see you guys and the one night in like 3 months i do we don't even get to talk really. cool #and then their parents and parents' friends were smoking in the living room all night as well #and nobody thought to fucking warn me about this even though they know about my shit fuck brain #and then like. the other times when i've made plans with someone and they've bailed because they wanna go drink and get high #thanks i'm glad i'm so fucking boring to you #i don't get to go to a lot of get togethers anymore because they're full of drunk and/or high people #and i'm just. tired. #sick of my shitty fucking brain that doesn't let me chill #sick of feeling like i'm bringing people down and stopping them from having fun #because i don't want to spoil their fun. i want them to be happy #i just. idk. sometimes i really feel like they don't want to invite me out specifically because of this #like i miss out on so much because i have big anxiety about drugs #it's tiring and i'm tired and sad and angry at myself and. idk #today's been. a day i guess

[vohtaro]

.

#i keep thinking abt my coworker saying that the maintenance phase podcast was too angry for him #and i have not stopped thinking about it all day basically #bc like. firstly it rlly doesn't sound that angry to me. #but secondly i'm trying not to read too deeply into his application this impression of the word anger towards ppl who are passionate #and sometimes speaking from a place of deeply felt hurt #like yeah sometimes they're like WHAT THE FUCK when talking abt a subject but i'm like. rlly ??? the eps i've played have read as angry?? #kinda feels bad too bc i've been feeling far far less close to him for the past couple years #he's the kind of guy who is like. aware of his privilege in some places but also so deeply naive in others. #or just ambivalent perhaps #like if i have to hear him say 'the best you can do is vote' one more time i might go ballistic #anyways. just unfortunate things that don't matter much i suppose. just feeding my general disconnect to living here anymore. #personal #also hey go listen to maintenance phase bc i love that pod and the hosts are delightful ✨ #like if you hear aubrey's giggle and don't feel healed by it idk how to help u

[girlwithfish]

having horrible self image i just have to deal w it cuz like hwen am i ever happy with how i look or my body i just want to stop being at war w myself or at least w my looks cuz it just is such a downer always being unhappy with my physical self like im already unhappy w who i am as a person cn i at least be satisfied w how i look😔☹️idk i never grew out of the self hatred phase it just sucks. very ed sh tw in tags i guess

#spent my childhood hating my body too all of middle school and hs basically like how did this happen lmfskdkd #id limit what i ate track calories i would take ice baths cuz i thought id burn calories all of this stuff it was so stupid and idk sad i #guess #no one rly cared either ig cuz my health wasnt in danger but i was so unhappy w myself and always tired and sad and just mde me more depres #depressed #now its like ive never been happy w myself i tried to be satisfied w my face after yrs of hating my looks and e asian features #and my facial deformity lol loke yeah #Ok #so i still hate that . sometimes i can tolerate my face but its not like i love myself or think i look good cuz #i feel like im just objectively ugly and i hate my face and i hate my body usually #unless if i see i lost weight or in the morning when im m*rnjng sk*nny its so gross like lol i need to stop #i hate it sm and i just feel like cutting myself out of my body idk like a lot #its like smth i just have to get over i guess idk what else there is Lol #i try to have a healtby relationship to food nd soemtimes i even like cooking and i dont fast or anything anymore cuz like i hate #feeling sick from hunger nd being tired im already tired in general so i need energy so yeah but #idk </3 #It just sucks idk how to dsal w it lik i just have to be satisfied and accept myself fro who i am #and all my looks and features and everything on my body #i guess #It just sucks cuz i think im the most ugly repulsive thing sometimes and wish i coukd disappear or cut myself away like.

[holytrickster]

honestly i get embarrassed i don't have like. a single other interest I'm as into because i just know everyone around me is probably sick of it

#idk i probably shouldn't have to feel bad about my interests but i annoy myself like oh my god please read something else talk about.. #..something else. its not like i dont like other media; i think pathologic is really freaking cool even if i havent had the time or patience #to play either game yet; i love derry girls it's a really good show; i have this attachment to firefly despite its issues #it's not like i can't get into other things #but nothing has had the chokehold on me that the legendarium has had/still has years later and it's almost frustrating sometimes #like i used to be really into gravity falls for instance. also cuphead; also bartimaeus and lockwood and co. oh and seraphina #but while i still really like all those things and theyre nostalgic for me; i can't...so easily fall back into those worlds in the same way #maybe it is also kin related but it's almosg like i get embarrassed to be so fixated even though it's been such an enjoyable part of my life #as cheesy as that no doubt sounds. i wouldnt be the same person if somebody (i dont even remember who anymore) hadn't been like “hey.. #“..middle schooler aimenel you should read the hobbit” (actually i think i mightve read lotr first i dont remember anymore) #idk why it bugs me; why im like “oh no people will be annoyed by the constant posts” as if anyone couldnt just unfollow or block #im probably always going to be like this to some extent and i dont know why i cant stop feeling embarrassed by my attachment to certain.. #media. its not even an “oHhH nOoOo its problematic in some ways” thing because i really dont give a shit for the most part #i think its literally i feel like people are going to at a certain point go “arent you too old to like this” #which isnt even going to happen probably so i dont know why i care. i dont know why i care when im honestly cringy as shit all the time #its funny ive becomr someone a much younger me would call cringe and just trying to be special or whatever

[hellpupp]

Big Sad

#kicks dirt #idk how many times i can openly ask for what i need & just. not get it. before i've just gotta Stop bc it starts feeling pathetic #and potentially even bordering on emotionally manipulative. #debating the Morality of even tag-venting on my own blog bc i don't want anyone to assume this is targeted #i just feel Deeply Lonely and like i have absolutely nothing going on in my life except work #and just lowkey like.... Unseen. #sometimes i try So Fucking Hard to have a conversation with people only to have 100% of what i say completely ignored me #* in favor of a random meme. #it starts to fuck with you after a while! makes you feel Uninteresting and Foolish and Annoying #idk. #i mean i also ran out of my (Extremely Rough Withdrawal) SNRI last week so like. that isn't helping. #but it's more than that. i've been feeling like this for a while. #it just. really sucks when you move & have no irl friends. no energy to make any new ones. #and all of your long distance friends have A Lot of shit on their plates so you feel shitty and inconsiderate for even thinking of asking #for. well Anything really. let alone some of their extremely limited time & energy & attention. #like who tf am i to ask anyone #let alone people who are all Very busy and struggling w/ their own shit #for their undivided attention for a chunk of time they could be using to take care of themselves #i don't want to feel invisible anymore #but i also don't want to be a drain on the people i care about #i hate Needing things #i wish the depth of my love and devotion to the people i've chosen to care for was fulfilling enough on its own #so i'd never need to ask for things #having emotional needs is like. sooo gross & selfish of me tbh. :/' go the fuck to therapy holy shit u would Never say this abt Anyone else #anyway. watch me delete this in 5 seconds bc the need to be seen & the mortification of being Perceived can & do coexist #χ.txt

[sexyleon]

I officially completely unplugged myself as much as I can 🙃🙃🙃 I’m way too reliant on my phone and waiting for people to talk to me is super unhealthy and has made me very anxious. I literally turned off ever single possible notification and will purposefully not be responding to messages because I just need time a space to figure out how to navigate myself without validation from others.

#plz no sexyleon #life update basically #I’ll still be using tumblr and stuff and I’ll probably reply to things on here #but I likely wont be responding to direct messages #I just???? I’m too clingy and needy and I feel reliant on the people I talk to for any sort of social interaction to be happy #I gotta figure it out because my mental health is in the shit and I can’t be reliant on others for stability #and I didn’t even really notice that’s what was happening until all my friends were busy on the same day and I really just needed someone #anywyas sorry this is complicated I just needed to vent in the void #also for my mutuals who I talk to all the time this is why I’m afk and I’m sorry I love you very much I just have to figure it out #why am I insane and hoping people try to reach out to me anyways??? just to say they are here if I need anything?? like I do to them???? #idk this is why I gotta stop #im the loneliest bitch in the world but I really can’t be anymore I gotta be alone in this bitch but not lonely #or I need to make friends with my loneliness and we can tackle the world together #otherwise im not going to survive #my anxiety is out of the roof and I constantly feel like I’m having heart palpitations #I literally think I’m going to die sometimes #I used to say I’d prefer the anxiety over the depression because I know how to navigate anxiety #well guess what my anxiety evolved like some sort of mega Pokémon and now it’s kicking my ass and I don’t have any idea how to defeat it #sorry for venting

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #sometimes when your ribs open up and theres just a hungry gaping void where your lungs should be you just gotta lie #completely still beneath a weighted blanket until you can breathe again and thats all there is to it #i can feel thr depressive episode tugging at the edges abd im desperately trying to hang onto the energy i have #im also teetering on the edge of an emotional flashback and idk whether itll be quicker yo just let myself fall abd then #work through it or try abd push it away. its right there at the edges and it's a doozy bc the impulse to hide abd scream abd scream #is there and its been a bit since its been that intense #talked to my parents today and made plans to go visit and just. hate that. feel like I'm mot allowrd to hate it anymore bc #they dont really do anything to me anymore. supposed to forgive abd forget. i dont want to. i dont want to be the bigger person #alright we're gonna stop that before i properly trigger myself. brains suck and bodies are difficult but i love mine anyway #they're what i have and i will be content with that. have to be. #hate how much pain wrecks my mental health. its a fuckinh joke

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

literally all i have been doing the past two weeks is Wanting. they call me the wanter the way i'm wanting things i can never have

#yearning longing whatever you wanna call it #needing as well but to a lesser extent because you can only need to a certain degree before it becomes wanting. lusting for sure #i have not stopped since the year started and i don't see an end in sight yet. i literally can't even think straight anymore #i literally cannot do anything or get anything done i mean i'm bad at that usually but like i genuinely think i've lost it #and as someone who never had it to begin with... idk!!!! #it's like i'm afraid to lose focus on it as if it isn't a constant choice i keep making when i wake up #i must remember that i can give up anything if i decide to. everything could change tomorrow #not looking at him for 2 hours will not make the feeling go away... pls be convinced brain #because i have not been sleeping well </3 #and i'm becoming hard to be around again. people can just instinctively tell when i'm being weird #it is important that i be as realistic as possible while being the most deranged person on earth #wouldn't want to hurt myself again lmao... but i always do anyways so i just gotta let it happen #anyways i'm gonna try to watch harold and maude sometime today and also watch another movie bc we are only 4 weeks into 2024 #and i already fucked up the 'watch a movie a week' thing i've been doing LMAO all because i wanted to look at a man #i'm ridiculously fucking braindead #not upset about it tho that's just who i am. brain is fully developed in 2 weeks and 1 day so it's never gonna change sadly #atp growing and changing are not impossible but if i do not see a reward of being loved at the end of the tunnel i will end up dead #and it's fine it's all so fine

[fardf150]

sometimes a girl needs to cut his hair too short for comfort in his desperation to not have long hair and thats ok. it's all part of the process

#like once my hair was getting to be almost to my shoulders and i wanted it gone so bad #but then i got it cut like to my head and i was like Oh this is almost worse. actually. #like i cant have No hair or hair that's Too short but i cant have Long hair or semi-long hair either #it's a journey and sometimes youll find what makes you most comfortable isnt what makes others believe youre who you say you are #idk ive beenbthinking abt hair a lot lately #bc i used to looove my long hair it was like down past my lower back at its longest #but it stopped feeling like mine at a point. like it was a choice at first but then it was like. idk. something changed #and it wasnt me anymore and i got it cut to my shoulders #and like it still wasnt quiteee right but it was so much Better #and then i got it short short for the firsg time and it was like Oh! #and like there he was yk. #and even since then it's been trial and error #letting it grow out a little was fun but then it got Too long and i lopped it all off. and then it was just that little bit too short #but for better or for worse hair grows back. so you can try as many times as you need to until you get it right #and maybe you never will and what works for you is mixing it up every now and then #idk man. hair's always been important to me and what exactly that means has changed so much just over these past 3 years #3 years today ! 3 years since i started figuring it out #having thiughts idk. 3 whole years. just a few months in i wouldnt have thought id ever see it #augh #fred.txt

[hot-coffemilk]

Okay, im feeling a little better, today was just very stressful

#lili.txt #been a while since i felt this bad about myself #sometimes i stop and think about the year i was in therapy and i have many thoughts #like even tho the therapist might have not been the best one for me it did help me a lot #like even today when i was sad i remembered a lot of what she told me and how like #to see the situations from other angles #and even stop to think like “and what about others people think of you?” #even if its somethings so simple u know #and i think last year that just got boosted since i was going out so much and interectting with a lott of people #and now it slowed down by a lot since i only have classes 2 days a week #so my mind is heela full #idk i feel like my brain doesn't want me to get sad #its like ill feel like “oh no one cares about me” and then my brain will be like “stop lying u bitch u know thats not true” #so i also dont really know how to deal with that #but also i was feeling very real when i said that im feeling lonely #i think bc of that of not going out much bc of not having a job anymore having less classe finnishing eng classes #and also bc im feeling a bit ignored by one of the most import person to me so its like </3 #so yeah im just gonna try to stay a tad bit more positive #like slowly but will try

[kyomito]

i love it when my day starts with:

you have one task today. one thing to do, all day to do it. just that for today along with other normal things like eating and showering.

and then my brain is like:

funny. and what if I said we are doing none of that. matter fact, we are going to do none of that and LESS.

#i am just overwhelmed #to the point where the anxiety doesn’t even fester anymore. i just want everything to stop temporarily #like three months to just do nothing but sleep #i feel like a failure and im not sure if I don’t acknowledge it bc I don’t believe it or because being in denial is easier to cope with #idk I love my life but sometimes I wish it was different #it’s about to be 4am and I just feel sad and overwhelmed and unaccomplished compared to my peers #also I feel like I don’t have a true… support system? #like I have support in terms of my mom let’s me stay w her while I get my degree but idk… emotionally I am completely by myself #and I have been since I was 11 years old #I also feel like every little thing I do that benefits just myself is selfish and my brain makes me feel like the worst person in the world #… #idk #I was about to say I miss having friends I could talk to abt these things but I never really had that either #I’ve missed the last three days of class and I’m pondering on what a fourth would do for myself #also I’m transferring schools after this summer and the whole process has been giving me a headache but I’m mostly a first gen so I am doing #all of this completely alone #I hate everything #I completely understand why people become addicted to drugs that cause you to go numb this shit fucking sucks #i think I’m just gonna try and sleep

[whimsyprinx]

I’m bitter and mad at my friends for not going out of their way to speak to me and I’m mad at myself for doubling down and not speaking first when I feel this way but I’m also mad that I have to speak first, I’m mad that all my attempts to talk to people fail no matter how hard I try, I’m mad that my shitty stupid behavior and pushing people away or giving up on trying has more than likely ruined future plans I’ve made, I’m mad that the plans I make always fall through I’m so pissed

#whimsy whispers #whims woes #idk maybe mad isn’t the word but I am bitter #it feels like there’s three friends tops who speak to me first usually #shout out to you theee you should know who you are #three to five #delete later #or not I don’t really care anymore #I’m mad and upset and as usual I don’t feel like I’m actually friends with anyone #sorry for being clingy and needy and annoying but I like to feel like people want to speak to me sometimes and I don’t #I’m so tired of being the one to reach out and I’m tired of reaching out in vain #but I never last long without speaking until I break and things repeat and repeat and repeat #it genuinely genuinely geneunly feels like if I stopped talking entirely people wouldn’t care they wouldn’t reach out it would just be like #okay bye bye crystal #like literally I’ve done this plenty of times and maybe that’s not the right approach but what IS the right approach when trying to be a #part of peoples lives doesn’t work #trying to keep in contact and be friends doesn’t work and letting myself just stop trying doesn’t do anything but make me feel bad