#but I just need to sort out my new job

[gatheryepens]

So I’m like 99.1% going to quit my job

#it’s been a long time coming #but I just need to sort out my new job #my mum hooked me up with something #so I just need to send my cv and draft out an email ASAP #cause I want to leave my job soon #since it’s just not sustainable physically or mentally really #like I hate coming home and just constantly thinking about work #and I just can’t work in the environment I’m working in I’m constantly overwhelmed #and just stressed all the time #like for example today we had like 20+ on the screen which is fine #my only issue was that there was a takeaway #that we didn’t see as there are probably 10+ orders on the screen #and the supervisor prioritised it which brought it to the front #and she asked how long is it going to take #and I said 10 minutes and she’s like it can’t as it’s already been on the screen for 20 #but like the food isn’t on the grill and sides aren’t done so it’s going to take more than 10 seconds 💀 #and said person kept asking for it and I’m like bffr #it got to the point where I just ignored her cause her demand was unrealistic I’m doing it as fast as I can but it’s not my fault if it’s #not ready as the station I was on only does the sides and sends food out #I went on break like 5 minutes later and I was putting my food through and this guy started messing with my screen #and I wanted to cry and I had to walk away or else I would’ve bursted into tears #because I was just so stressed so overwhelmed and overstimulated I just need a break from people #so yeah I’m going to be on the job hunt since I need something to do now because I hate my job #I’m also going to send my cv to the job my mum told me about but now that I think about it idk if I’ll be able to do it since I’m a bit far #and would be getting lifts off my mum but she might be starting a new job 😭😭 #gatherrambles #g/work

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

*tries to organize my thoughts*

*remembers i'm not in school and therefore beholden to neither heaven nor hell nor any man's grading system*

*joyously shredding & tossing all my carefully arranged 3x5 mental notecards into the air like so much beige confetti. raising my arms in victory, cheering raucously until i accidentally inhale bits of homemade confetti*

(*coughing up itty bits of paper like a cat evicting a hairball with a firm understanding of tenants' rights*) wait wat happens next

#i marie kondoed my thoughts and *i* feel great. but now my stream-of-consciousness has escaped containment #so many innocent bystanders at stake #every time i try to organize my thoughts i run out of plastic bins and have to make a trip to the container store where i get even more dis #racted so. you can't just hand me THIS brain and NO catalogue OR library classification system #and expect me to single-handedly sort through all this nonsense? bad form but fucking form not in my job description #aNYways. formal education sure did a FUCKING NUMBER on us huh #(a number i measure not in gpa or dollars of student debt. #but in the number of therapy sessions & medical debt it will take to recover.) #seriously folks. our education systems are...innately traumatizing for a huge number of students. and we NEED to address this. #the fact that it is culturally common for adults to have anxiety nightmares about school/exams...even decades later? #that is not cute. it is Alarming. #no one--much less entire generations--should be spending their developmental years in an environment of chronic stress & pressure & strain #and yet that is the reality for millions and millions of pre-teen and teenage and young adult students #this isn't healthy and it serves and empowers NO ONE #...except of course the many exploitative educational & financial & debt-collecting institutions thriving from the current balance of power #and of course it's a nefarious and powerful way to sabotage/erase the middle class #which billionaires and the wealth-inequality creators they finance couldn't possibly have any noteworthy interest in whatsoever #it's not like there's an elite group of people with huge financial incentives to drain/steal resources from the masses... #anyways sorry for going all Conspiracy Theory on you. #obviously the billionaires who control the vast majority of our resources and news and political campaign funding #are not tied to every single itty bitty social issue and i'm a silly billy to imply it #please tell elon musk to ignore this tweet i am so subservient and acquiescent #mr musky u r so good at inheriting slavery-built mining fortunes & buying other people's companies #& building rocket ships & fancy cars that do NOT explode/catch fire & also NOT running billion dollar companies into the ground #mr musky u r so talented genius billionaire playboy with 10 kids and ex-wives who find you creepy af babe u r basically iron man

[risingsunresistance]

feels weird to not have much to post, i feel like i basically disappeared off social media compared to how i used to post but. there is simultaneously so much going on (things that are boring/heavy and not fun to post about) and nothing at all going on (i have not been able to play anything very much and havent been watching anything besides random documentaries i stumble across), leading to me having nothing to say lmao

i did finally write down a bunch of hypixel worldbuilding headcanon junk instead of having it only be word-of-mouth between me and ark lol. only 1700 words, i can do better 👍 it was literally only about admin magic, what exactly it means to "hack," what a server is, and limbo kjgfhk. i might make a big post about the limbo section one day :]

#things that arent worth having their own post bc it's boring normal life stuff #I LOVE MY JOB!!!!!!!!! i've only worked one day but i had a lot of fun #and i like my coworkers. im scared of tomorrow tho bc my manager who has been guiding me around isnt gonna be there #so second day in and im already on my own DFGHKJG it'll be fine......... #also I GOT MY DESK ORDERED LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO. SOON I WILL BE BACK ON THE GRIND I WANNA PLAY SKYBLOCK SO BAD #i've only been able to play on weekends or at ark's ;-; pain and suffering i need somewhere to sit #also fun fact. remember how the house was full of mold. well there was ALSO a gas leak for the past couple weeks #my existence is a miracle #im blaming all past behaviors on this. im normal now dont worry 👍👍👍 #i think i already mentioned this but my snes power cable is missing and i need a new one Pain And Suffering #on the brighter side of my old games. i found by gbc! AND THE BATTERIES STILL WORK SOMEHOW LMAO #i can finally do a miserable gen 2 shiny hunt yippeeeeee #trying to find my gameboy copy of tetris attack but i dont see it anywhere 😔 #uhhhh yeah that's about it i guess. been busy with sorting out work stuff and money problems and Everything Else #currently taking care of health stuff i havent done in years. time for dentist today wahoo #gonna try to get an eye exam soon. it's been like. a decade- #im not sure my vision is still 20/20 im having trouble reading some things digitally #billboards are fine. electronic ones are not those are just smudges #i dont know enough about eyes to know what that could be #chat

[keeps-ache]

today! on the agenda we have [tears paper away to reveal the single word 'do'] ...

#just me hi #today on the agenda i've added the words 'draw' and 'make valiant efforts' so >:3👍 #//vv has sent me an ask and the sketching. oo it's sketching alright hfhs #am i going to make full character designs for these? probably i have no control in that aspect Hbfhvsfjs #if there is ONE thing i can consistently go all the way with it's character design. i literally could not tell you why that is lmao :3 #there are nights where i design whole casts of characters and then Forget About Them ?????? like dude. why did we do all that hbfvh #really i made a cast of like 10 characters one night they all had their signature colours clothes jobs hobbies dislikes and personal #relationships and then i......... never thought about them again hhhfhsh #[holds them up like a wet cat] does anybody want a strange half-baked story with a cast of about 12 people who are all clones of one guy #who's trying to kill them. cuz man hfhsh #//anyway all the sidings from that i think i'm coming out of the Saute Mode #what's Saute Mode? well you see it's when i've already taken out the ready-made good stuff in my brain and now i need to put in new #ingredients and let them get hot and ready again. Saute Mode :3 #sure it might just be artblock but i think i need an artbreak sometimes so loll #plus Saute Mode means i get to play viddy games without feeling guilty so YAY :33 #but Saute Mode does Also mean i sort of don't. talk to anybody out of my own volition HH #it's the side of the coinage. you understand hfbvhs #//annnnnnywhoodle back to my sketching :>> #posing my wretched beloved.. you are strange and impossible to understand hbvhfs #/:3 toodles !

[nostalgia-tblr]

If I could do Fics With A Plot I'd probably attempt An AU Where Lauffey Dies And Odin Goes "Oh Hey, Frost Dudes, I Had Your Heir All Along :D He's Urs Now :D" Except Because This Is A Shit Plan It Does Not Go At All Well. Because it does bother me. Because I worry too much about fictional monarchies having the 'wrong' rules. D:

#this of course means odin has also has to tell his son “btw we lied to you. GUESS WHAT THO!! I GOT U A JOB!!” #and he sends Thor along because a) characters need other characters to talk to and b) he does in fact expect trouble #and I reckon after some sort of tense Confrontation about how if Lauffey wanted rid of his son he should have the guts to make sure he died #instead of leaving it to fate like a COWARD #Loki would - by power of poshness alone - manage to convince one or two Jotuns that he does indeed count as the heir #meanwhile: existential crisis D: D: D: #but hey free kingdom nothing to sneeze at eh? let's go! we can do this! #except (obviously) no. you can't. there is NO WAY there's nobody out there with a counterclaim. #and if your WORST ENEMY raised your new king (who has a questionable claim) you absolutely manage to find a third cousin from somewhere far #off who also has a shaky claim but - here's the thing - he's not an obvious attempt to impose Odin's puppet on your realm #and then Plot would unfold which is why i cant write this despite my Weird Niche Interests being aroused (NOT LIKE THAT) by this idea #also i would answer the “was there no mother involved? did she not mind the infanticide thing?” (could go either way on that really) #essentially Loki does have Scheming Politician energy but sometimes the task really is just impossible #but perhaps surprisingly the ending is a heartwarming reunion and maybe - MAYBE - some sort of vague apology #because that really was The Worst Fucking Plan Of All Time #okay someone stop me making a new file (you-and-whose-army.rtf) and writing the extensive notes i've now got in my head D: #(but an AU so not really!) #do you want a civil war on jotunheim because this is how you get a civil war on jotunheim #...oh no DO you want a civil war on jotunheim?! D: D: was THAT the plan??? D: D: #i'd totally throw in an Ambitious Consort Queen because those are my jam <3 <3 <3 #fic-related #thor movies

[seithr]

unfortunately the allure of "at work i genuinely don't think that much and have no time or capacity to worry about home because i am fully mentally 'at work'" and "at work my family isnt there and i am not reminded of things happening in it by being asked about it by one of them or seeing them" and "at least i make money at work and am there often enough its a good amount and i feel useful lookibg at it" is really startibg to wear thin rifgt now

#i like not thinking i like being so caught in my sorting and doing a good job and helping people i dont feel the coldness settlibg in #i like not havibg sudden run ins i overthink later or being asked What Do You Think Haha in front of people id like to not air laundry to #people who respect me enough to wish well when im just a little bit not all there but dont want My Answer About It or My Assurance #i like not having to consider another job or parrttime searching again and scheduling both them at the same time #i like not thinking man but now im sfucking tired going too. when im cloxked in i turn all this off and i wish i could always be that way #helpful! im happy to help! im glad to. no worries no problem. thoughtful and useful and a joy if a little in need of guidance #the build up to therr. thinking about all of it alone on the way. always the sitting with it. the hours settling in #its wearing thin. something about it is. i think its only me. i wish i worked all the time so i wouldnt wind down back to all of this #everything here and reality going on and all the bad news and every bad memory and experience and incoming ache fffffuuck me man #im fine before anyone (noone) gets conc3rnened im just so tired. im so cold. nothing will come out. do i really need that as proof it hurts

[vigilantejustice]

:(

#literally dumb as rocks beans for brains of me to even ever think going back to do my diploma in early #childhood education as a means to get back into the industry after like four years out was even a little bit a good idea #the job broke me the first time + i’m in a much much much worse place now #have been looking through the first chunk of assessments + so much of it is management type stuff #which is fine on paper #but doing these sorts of assessments in practice is. not something i can do #i have a settling in period of like three years minimum it takes me so long to build any confidence #+ almost every assessment involves walking into service as a student + then having to demonstrate a level of authority #which is no bueno for me #like the first assessment involves leading a team meeting #how am i supposed to walk into a centre brand new + ask to lead a meeting #and then every piece of placement assessment is the same sort of thing #lots of having to approach parents to sign permission forms + lots of taking control of rooms or learning experiences #it’s funny because technically it’s all stuff i can do because i did do it #like i ran the nursery as a lead educator + did all the management stuff but that was after having been there for a year as a student #then as an assistant so i was like. comfortable + established in the centre if that makes sense? #i couldn’t just walk into any centre off the street into a management position i need to work my way into it #if that’s what i even wanted to do #so to do it as a student is a no go #on top of that just the idea of going back to any work let alone back to childcare has given me nightsweats #since the diploma started. like my anxiety about it is out of control + realistically logically i know that this is not something that’s #going to work out but i’m ready to throw up about it because what do i do? #i’m struggling big time with feelings of inadequacy for not being educated + can’t shake the feeling that my life is kind of over #because i haven’t got a degree + it doesn’t seem like i’m going to be in a position to be well enough to get through one #+ i don’t know what work i’m cut out for i don’t feel like i’m good for anything #which sounds dramatic but i mean it in a very genuine way i’m just too nervous + scared + uncomfortable #i’m just not functioning in any sensible way + i don’t know what to do with myself #like dropping this course just makes sense but what then? what job is there for me? #it all just starts spiralling out into thinking about that i’ll probably never be able to afford to live independently out of home #+ that spirals into thinking about how i’ll never find anyone + how my life is so messy + meaningless

[f-imaginings]

I feel like life is just periods of pretending you're not bone deep tired and then occasionally succumbing to the reality of the fact that you are always bone deep tired.

#anyway im signed up for a new therapist so we will see how it goes #work stress health related stress and financial stress are adding up #i take like 10 different tablets a day now and it feels overwhelming #im just so tired #a bitch needs a break you know #working two jobs just helped my fiance buy a car #figured out a payment plan but now im like do i find a better paying job so i have a safety net until i get paid back? #and i am struggling with buying lotto tickets and that bad habit started with my ex bc i have boatloads of issues surrounding money #like being able to pay for things means i earn respect and regard #all sorts of messed up so therapy it is #still i just want to relax all ive ever wanted is to learn how to be relaxed

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#i need to do some brain working out to try to get stronger and not overthink things #but i am upset and feeling very anxious rn (: #i came back from the optician (which i was dreading) and just started sobbing #i'm so overwhelmed right now you have no idea #i went to get my new glasses which were SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE like waaaaay more than i thought #and i don't have much choice of frames either because of all the shit that go into my lenses #but the choices i had today where not only very few but also ugly as fuck #but literally had no choice cause i don't have money and i had to get the cheapest frames to sort of balance how expensive the frames are #and what makes me feel like a piece of shit is that i'm complaining about ''ugly frames'' and whatever when i am able to get them #like i was able to do all the tests i needed to get done i am able to go and buy the glasses with the graduation and the prism and everythi #and i'm SO FUCKING LUCKY that i can and that i have a job that allows me to buy these #and that my family doesn't have to pay them (cause we couldn't) #and i feel like a dick for complaining cause i can fix my eyesight (to an extent) with glasses and i'm not actually blind or anything #but it also sucks that i have to spend literally all of my money just to be able to see #i'm trying so hard to get in the mindset that i'm not getting these glasses for fashion but as medicine #like if i needed a wheelchair it wouldn't be for fashion either #these are aids to help me be healthy and safe and not get run over by a car #even if they look like shit #but you know i'm conflicted :/ #angel talks #personal

[yourhoeshorses]

Not this blog related but AUGH sometimes I wish I wasn't fucking autistic. Sometimes JUST SOMTIMES I wish I could be normal, instead of being some quiet little creep

#translation #i had to get trained by a group of high schoolers at my new job #i feel like such a loser #i know i just need to figure out where i fit in this new job #but i feel like a sack of rocks in any sort of social situation #like people are laughing and talking and making jokes and they look to me to see if im with them #but im literally just a sack of rocks #im just an awkward inconvenience in everyone elses way #yeah idk #i think i need to learn how to understand myself better and respect myself #i think im kinda just shooting my own foot in these situations cuz i get inside my head about what other people are probabaly thinking #ramble

[doodlboy]

Hrm..

#i just saw smthn abt ppl with adhd being the “star employee” for the first few months of their job and then burning out & losing it #i am now concerned #i should also finish getting a disgnosis tho b4 i worry #bc rn i am enjoying my job & every1 there says I'm doing well for how new i am @ this. and that I'm doing more than i actually need to #ie sorting stuff b4 i hang it up or putting them on top of the shelves in specific directions so they're easier to hang #i wanna keep my job so i have money T^T #i could probably learn how 2 do any job given enough time but the burnout feels like its already getting started #like- im already tired & wanna start working nights #aughhh #elliot rambles

[demonlandline]

I've been trying really hard lately and it's going really well and I'm really proud of myself

#I got a cute new part time job today #and I'm probably starting T really soon #and I've got a bunch of leads and contacts in tattooing that could help me get a good apprenticeship #and I've dealt with things i've been putting off for YEARS #and made new friends and reconnected with old ones #and just like #generally sorted my life out #and I know I'm hypomanic and there's downsides to that #but I'm kinda thriving atm and I feel so so good I'm so happy #just needed to yell about it all a bit ya know #tylar.txt

[manyblinkinglights]

trembling because I made so MANY phone calls today. And also I had to turn down taking a test for another less well situated job. And now I have to take an ID photo for THIS job. Everything is going well but I can’t enjoy it and won’t until my PC is set up at the other end and I am receiving paid checks

#I don’t even know what my takehome will be but I’m hopinh #hoping. That it will be more than I made before. #like idk I have to pay a ton for health insurance which I’ll likely accede to cuz like. #fucking COVID? #having to get a new doctor? having to have the Cosentyx shit SORTED? #and I feel like if I weren’t crashing with my aunt #health insurance and rent would put me below my old takehome pay or something. #idk I haven’t done the math there’s no point #I’ll know what to do when I get oriented and paid. #I don’t need to figure anything out now #it would just be nice to earn a stable and reasonable amount of money even if just for a year. #Enough to have literally any freedom or course besides ‘shelter with parent or family member’ #like it would be nice to get a job where if I lost it I could have savings and not immediately have Nothing #the only reason I don’t have Nothing is my family #but Nothing is right behind me breathing down my neck.

[pepprs]

i like uh. literally cannot believe what is happening is still happening btw.pain and suffering (update omg i hit tag limit CRINGE but i think i was done anyway lol)

#purrs #ive felt sort of beholden to keeping it quiet on here bc i felt bad since it was still kinda a secret irl. but i think the word is #traveling fast irl so im giving myself permission to talk about it with my dearest belovedest mutuals some of whom are irl friends i have #ghosted for the last week and a half despite initially trying to set something up bc i have been so miserable over it that i can’t function #and for that i apologize and i swear to god i will get it together eventually. but ok. the thing that happened is that. lol i am crying #typing it bc how do i even say it. my supervisor who is also my mentor who is also dare i say my friend who is also my close colleague who i #is also the reason i even got to the place im in to begin with in so many ways… got a new job. and didn’t tell us she did and dropped it on #us last week. literally a week after i started my new job and i was so so so looking forward to getting to work closely with her in this new #way at last and um. that is not happening anymore. and it could be so much worse like thank GOD she didn’t *** or whatever which is #something i worry about literally constantly. but this hurts. it’s devastating and i feel betrayed even though im so happy for her and she d #deserves it so much. and im so fucking sad and do fucking scared bc there’s literally 3 of us now and we have to NOT PANIC and act like we #are processing this totally fine or else we will face Consequences which are the same reasons she’s leaving probably. lol. idk. it’s very #cringe to post about it and not vague and i know it’s like weird to be close to work and to your colleagues and whatever but it has never #been just work and it’s like. how can this person come into my life and utterly transform it and we go on this journey together and we JUST #reached this beautiful glorious pinnacle but then you leave?? and who knows how long she was planning to do this. lol. and despite how s #much i care abt her im the least close to her personally out of everyone on the team so i am suffering and withering and exploding and #sobbing and howling and barking and i want to talk to her so bad and tell her how much she means to me and that it is physically painful to #think about doing this without her bc she was supposed to like. help me and stuff bc she went thru baiscally the same path im on lol and we #have a lot in common in terms of identity / life situation and i was like ummmmm hi can you teach me how to be a fuller version of myself. #and this ks like such a wake up call that no *i* need to teach me that and no one can. but i don’t want that to mean losing her and im so #scared that she won’t be in my life anymore and i am going to miss her so much. im going to miss every little thing and it’s killing me and #i can’t stop crying about it and it feels like a fucked up nightmare and everything is different now and im temporarily secon in command who #which is like wtf no that’s YOU. come back. how could you leave. but she needed to i guess and i just didn’t know how bad. but it hurts ummm #lol. and if she knew how hard ive been losing my shit i think she would be angry and sad and like surprised bc i think she thinks im #normaler than i am now but it’s like god. there was so much to look forward to and i was already feeling weird about the future and now it’s #like the little parts of it i at least knew i could count on are totally gone because she’s leaving us for fucking ****** of all places LMAO #delete later #i know it’s like weird to vent abt irl stuff / ppl so candidly i know what it suggests about me but this is like my best possible coping #mechanism rn i guess or at least it feels the best bc ppl like the posts and you don’t even have to say anything it just lets me know that #like. im not insane for it iwguess. even though iwreally feel like it. idk. i just am going to miss her so much. i wish i could stop crying