#but here's a pirate au that's not factual | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

myundeadgayson · 3 years

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Ahoy, We are Castaways AU, but not really because Gunk and Ishmael find Pirates:

@bluwards So.... I mayhaps wrote an entire thing for your idea?

For anyone wondering, here’s the link to the OG au idea post: https://bluwards.tumblr.com/post/661885099380506624/au-where-tommy-and-wilbur-were-part-of-a-pirate

This might not be exactly what you were hoping for of this, but I had an image in my mind and just went HAM on it. Like, I mean that as in I started this at like... 1am last night and I finished at like 4pm today??? I’m not saying I wrote that entire time, but I am saying that I literally just NEEDED to finish this because it’s SUCH A FUN IDEA. (I’m sorry for writing so much by the way! I got excited.)

Notes: None of this is historically accurate to literally anything, especially history and pirates. Instead, we’re gonna image this is some fun fantasy world where like. Pirates are out chilling in the world stealing shit and royalty exists somewhere enough you can be like “yeah, i’m royal. try to prove i’m not bitch.” (Also, I’ll post this on Ao3 later and edit with the link after I sleep. For now, please enjoy!) Words: 5160 Characters: Wilbur Soot, TommyInnit, Philza Minecraft, and Technoblade

The heat must be getting to him. It must be because there’s no way that’s a ship he’s seeing out on the horizon. It seems to be drawing closer, but it’s not near enough to tell, not that it would matter anyway. It’s not real. It’s not real, he tells himself. It has to be a mirage. As if their luck would ever be that good.

Wilbur rests his head back down into Tommy’s mess of curls. The two of them are curled together underneath the shade of the treeline. His back is pressed against the rough, uneven bark of a palm tree with his bare feet digging into the sand. Tommy’s eyes are closed. His little brother is tucked tight against his side, dozing softly as the slight breeze ruffles his dirty hair.

If Wilbur tried, he could pretend Tommy was just resting. He could pretend this was the two of them relaxing on some beach that they’ve gotten all to themselves. He could imagine that Tommy tuckered himself out, now the two of them were peacefully dozing off in the shade on a lovely Summer day as the gentle sea wind blew.

In that fantasy, they would have chosen to be here on this beach. A beach would make for a good day trip, he thinks. He imagines that it would be a beach off the coast of a small town. He’d take Tommy early in the morning down past the docks and watch Tommy hop along stones down a path leading towards the sand. Wilbur would make him carry a basket of bread and other treats that they might have gotten from a kind baker that didn’t mind that their pockets were a little low. Wilbur would smile and promise to repay them, and it’d be a real promise instead of a sharp-toothed lie.

He’d bring a threadbare sheet because they’d have one to spare for it. He’d spread it along the sand and bask in the sun’s rays. He’d open his eyes occasionally to Tommy’s excited shouts as his brother pulled odd shells and tiny hermit crabs from the ocean, then laugh as Tommy shouted obscenities when they inevitably fell from his hands because Tommy was anything but careful. A few shells would be saved though, and Tommy would make a small pile of them on the corner of the sheet for them to keep.

Tommy would eventually tug Wilbur up to join him. Wilbur would laugh and pretend to be reluctant as his brother guided him down towards the water until the warm waves lapped at their feet. Tommy would grin at him, bright as the sun overhead and his hair sparkling like strands of gold. He’d look so proud of himself as he showed Wilbur more shells and other interesting things he found.

Along the way, one of them would splash the other whether it be accidentally or not, and it’d start a war. Wilbur would laugh until his ribs were sore as he smacked water Tommy’s way and listened to the younger shout insults back at him. It’d all be in good fun and it’d show in Tommy’s toothy grin as the blond would get some harebrained idea of how to “win” their little game and it’d end with them both falling into the water. They’d be soaked to the bone and Wilbur would playfully smack water at Tommy’s face for getting them both wet, but it’d be fine in the end because they would sit out in the sun until their clothes dried. In this fantasy, Wilbur could imagine it wouldn’t matter anyway because once they went home, they’d have more clothes to change into and one pair wouldn’t be missed for a day.

When the sun started to set over the horizon, Wilbur would gather them up to leave. He’d gather up their food and make Tommy carefully fold up the sheet. It’d end up balled up instead and Wilbur would tease Tommy for his shit folding skills. They’d stay an extra few minutes to stare off at the sunset as it glistened over the calm waters. All would feel peaceful until Tommy ruined the moment with some joke that’d make Wilbur smack him upside the head, even though he’d laugh all the same.

They’d walk home with Tommy’s shells tucked safely into their pockets under the soft pink skies. A perfect background to a perfect day.

It would be nice, lovely even, because in that world they’d go home to some nice place Wilbur managed to keep for them in some nice town. It’d be real and theirs, and they’d each have a warm bed to sleep in and food in their stomachs. It might be small, but small was okay because they’d both be happy and they’d have nothing to fear.

If only life were ever so kind.

It was a nice daydream, but if Wilbur were to look down, it’d shatter. It’d shatter if he listened at all to the way Tommy’s breathing sounded off. With every low breath, his brother’s chest would shutter. Wilbur could feel it every time.

Tommy’s nose was red and peeling, as were his cheeks and shoulders. His freckles were hidden beneath the furious scarlet and white flecks. His skin had gotten tanner, but the dark rings under his eyes made him look ghastly. Wilbur was sure that he looked about the same himself, but seeing it on Tommy was different.

The boy was thin enough before they’d gotten stranded, but now his limbs looked just too small. Wilbur could practically see the bones poking through. If it weren’t for the blaring sun overhead tanning their skin, Wilbur was sure that Tommy would look more like a walking skeleton than a teenager.

They’d got thrown overboard days ago. Wilbur lost track of how many. He stopped really caring when he realized there were other things to care about, like keeping them alive.

Luck had never been on their side. Wilbur had known that since they were little and a twelve-year-old found himself in charge of a five-year-old.

The world’s always been against them. It started early with a mother too young to be on her own with a child. She was struggling enough as it was to keep them fed that when that one child turned to two, the odds for any of them getting by turned minimal. Even with Wilbur doing his best to help, swindling and snatching up food and loose change off of oblivious folk in the city, hope was running thin.

It was amazing she’d ever gotten so far. Wilbur hated to see it that way now, but it was the truth. The fact she’d ever made it to Tommy’s fifth birthday was incredible. When the sickness set in though, no amount of Wilbur’s efforts could seem to help her. Eventually, she’d stopped waking up entirely and Wilbur was left on his own to care for his little brother.

Luck ran out, but they made their own with time.

After losing their mother, Wilbur packed them up and they were off. He taught Tommy every trick he knew. They traveled endlessly, hopping from place to place just to keep moving whenever it seemed like any townsfolk around started catching onto their games. Wilbur tried a few odd jobs every time for money in places, and Tommy was tiny enough that he could sneak bread and other foods off vendors to bring back to whatever tiny hole they’d called home at that moment.

As they both got older, the tricks got better. Their stories were perfected and their act was flawless if ever they needed to talk someone into lending them a place out of pity, or a new job.

When Wilbur caught sight of a ship though, he’d thought they were golden. Sure, he only knew vaguely about working them. He’d taken on a few jobs on some docks before, but he’d never been on a ship himself. The thought was meant to be that if he could get on that ship for a job, he could bring Tommy along with him. They’d stay there and hop off at the first chance they could once they’d landed in a new country, then they’d start over for real. They’d start over fresh in a new place entirely and everything might be okay! They could make life whatever they wanted because no one would be able to know otherwise!

And everything did feel okay for a while. Turns out the ship Wilbur found was a crew of pirates, but like always, Wilbur managed to talk his way through. Tommy played along perfectly, and before they knew it, they became crew. Perhaps they were there for nothing more than playing clean-up, but they would take what they could get.

Their luck was turning up. As Wilbur started working his way through making connections with the crew, he was starting to think maybe he’d found a place for them. They wouldn’t stay, of course, but it made sense, didn’t it?

The constant traveling and plundering— that kind of life was meant for them. However, there were also rules to follow and heavy risks in not doing so. Neither of them were good at following rules, but they were good actors all the same that could fake it until their last breath. But for a short time, it felt like a good fit and Wilbur remembered telling Tommy as such.

Tommy was much more reluctant. He was getting by, but he didn’t like it there. Maybe Wilbur was succeeding, but Tommy was younger. His limbs were all thin and gangly, and it made him look weaker than he was. The crew would shove him around and they’d always be too loud in his ears. Tommy was rather loud himself, but when you’re trying to hold your tongue to survive, it wasn’t like he could exactly defend himself.

So maybe they didn’t see eye to eye about it, but that was fine. Wilbur agreed they’d only be there a little longer because the moment they docked somewhere new, they’d be off and onto wherever life would take them next.

Unfortunately, their luck ran out.

It all happened in a blur. Wilbur remembered when the storm hit. It was rougher than normal. He remembered fighting with the rest of the crew to take care of the ship. They were fighting hard to stay afloat as the waves rocked the ship from side to side so hard that Wilbur feared they would tip.

The ship didn’t tip, but Tommy did.

He could still vividly remember Tommy slipping. He’d watched in horror the way his brother scrambled for purchase on something, anything. He’s just barely caught the side of the ship.

Wilbur went after him, not caring in the slightest for whatever task he’d abandoned. He’d tried to help yank Tommy back aboard. Tommy, who held on with white knuckles and fingernails digging into the wood with fear in his eyes. Wilbur tried to reassure him, but he was sure his words got lost in the raging winds. He’d tried to pull Tommy back onto the deck, and for a moment, he was succeeding. He almost managed to pull Tommy back on board.

Right as he thought he’d gotten Tommy back though, the ship hit another furious set of waves. The brothers got thrown hard, and suddenly they were both going down.

It was a miracle they didn’t drown.

Wilbur sighed, closing his eyes once again. He tried to block out the memories of rushing water and Tommy’s screams of his name. He could still taste the seawater on his tongue as it tried to flood his lungs.

They’d gotten tossed endlessly in the waves. The ship was forgotten in the battle to just hold on to each other.

He combed his fingers through Tommy’s hair. The boy didn’t even respond. He must have finally fallen asleep, Wilbur thought to himself. Sleep hadn’t been easy to find since they’d woken up ashore. Though the island seemed abandoned, neither of them could be sure there wasn’t some hidden danger lurking somewhere. Their sunburns didn’t make it easy either with the way their skin would ache. Even in the shade or the dark of the night, they’d struggle to find enough comfort to rest at all.

He was glad Tommy was getting some sleep now. He was getting rather tired himself. As much as he’d like to give in, one of them needed to stay awake just in case.

Wilbur groaned as he forced his eyes to peel open once more. As his vision started to clear, he noticed the mirage was getting closer. The blurry shape of the ship was getting bigger. It was looking like it was getting ready to dock at the edge of the island at any minute. Or at least it would if it were actually real.

Wilbur huffed, resting his cheek on Tommy’s head. He watched idly as the ship grew closer and closer to the edge of the shore. It wasn’t coming straight towards them. It was heading more towards the left edge of the island where the trees were a bit more scattered, but the shoreline was still mostly clear of rocks.

It wasn’t until it was starting to look suspiciously more and more lifelike that Wilbur started to get more intrigued.

Furrowing his brows, he lifted his head. He pulled away from Tommy some to sit up further. Tommy groaned in protest. The motion caused the boy to slide down, his head resting more on Wilbur’s chest than shoulder. Wilbur wanted to hush him and whisper soft apologies for disturbing him at all. Unfortunately, the ship’s drawing nearer by the second and Wilbur could feel something akin to hope bubbling up in his throat.

He frantically nudged at Tommy’s side, “Tommy. Tommy, wake up.”

“Augh…” Tommy rolled his head, burying his face further into Wilbur’s shirt with an annoyed whine. He weakly smacked at Wilbur’s arm, “Fuck off, Wilbur… M’tryin’ to sleep, asshole…”

As much as Wilbur wished he could agree, he needed Tommy’s eyes. “Get up! I think I see something,” Wilbur urged. He shoved Tommy off him until the boy got the hint to sit up on his own.

The blond looked absolutely pitiful. Tommy rubbed at his tired eyes with his fists. Wilbur’s chest ached with remorse for having bothered him, but he told himself that again, it could be for good reason.

“What the fuck’re you on about?” Tommy mumbled irritably.

“Look! Look there,” Wilbur hissed, pointing out at the ship. It seemed to be getting ready to dock. Tiny figures could be seen moving along the deck, grabbing at ropes and such. “Do you see that?”

It took a moment for Tommy to follow where he was pointing. The boy was still getting his bearings on being awake again. Wilbur almost turned Tommy’s head himself to see though. Patience was growing thin as their potential hope of being able to escape was growing stronger, but he needed to be sure. It could be his mind playing cruel tricks on him. The exhaustion could finally be taking its toll, and maybe Tommy would be of no help because he could be seeing nothing as well, but the chances of them imagining the same ship with the same little people had to be high.

“See wha’?” Tommy’s voice was still groggy from sleep. The boy’s eyes slowly followed Wilbur’s finger towards the ship. Wilbur watched as the recognition clicked into place and all at once their hope seemed more plausible. Tommy’s eyes widened, “T-That’s— Wilbur, that’s a ship!” His head whipped around to look up at Wilbur. “That’s a real ship, innit?! Please tell me that’s real!”

The brunette was already grinning and nodding along with that same spark in his eye. “Oh, thank fuck! You see it too then! I thought maybe I was just imagining it.”

For the first time in days, Tommy looked excited. “Holy shit, Wilbur, we might be saved!”

He tried to stagger to his feet. Wilbur had to rush to catch him before he stumbled to the ground, “Tommy, careful!”

He caught the boy before he could fall. Tommy winced, teeth gritting to bite back a cry. Wilbur noticed it instantly. He dropped Tommy’s arms at once, moving to take the other’s wrists where the burns were less present. The younger steadied himself on his feet with Wilbur’s cautious guidance. Once he was stable, he passed Wilbur a sheepish grin, “Heh, oops?”

Wilbur heaved out a sigh. There was no way he could be mad at that, not that he ever planned to. He shook his head, letting go of Tommy completely now that it seemed his brother could stand on his own. He straightened up, looking out towards where the head of the ship was disappearing behind the treeline. Taking a deep breath, Wilbur ruffled a hand through his hair before looking back to Tommy, “I think they’re planning to dock on that side. If we go now, we might be able to get on.”

“Then what are we waiting for?! Let’s go!” Tommy shouted excitedly. With that, he turned to march ahead.

He barely got a step before Wilbur was catching him by the wrist to stop him, “Wait a second! I wasn’t done yet!”

Tommy practically whined as he was stopped for the second time. He turned back on his heel with a loud groan, “What? The ship’s right there, Wilbur! We need to go!”

Wilbur could understand his enthusiasm. He wanted off this island as much as Tommy did, but if they were going to get onto that ship, they needed a plan.

“Listen to me. I’m not sure we’ll be able to sneak on without getting found out and I don’t know about you, but I really don’t feel like getting tossed off another ship,” Wilbur told him honestly.

Tommy’s nose wrinkled at the reminder. Sniffing, the boy turned to face him better, “Then what? You want us to go and just ask them? Like ‘hi, Mister Captain, sir! Could we please jump on this here ship you got? I know you don’t know us and it’d be really to leave us for dead, but I think if you’d really just considered it for a second deep in your heart’— honestly, that’s sounds really stupid, Wilbur. No one’s going to fall for that!”

Wilbur sputtered, trying not to choke on a laugh. “No, no! As if that’d ever work.” He cleared his throat, pulling himself back together quickly. “We don’t know what kind of ship we’re dealing with yet. I say we go stake out the ship first and plan from there. But if we get caught, I think I already have a few ideas in mind. But whatever we do, we just have to stick to it well enough to get to their next stop.”

Tommy rolled his eyes, “Sounds easy enough. Now can we just go already? I’m so tired of all this stupid sand.” ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******

“So…” Phil dragged out the word. Techno remained tense behind him, leaning against the side of the ship. Phil didn’t need to look behind him to know the man was glaring at the pair of boys in front of them, searching for some sign to not trust the two. Phil held up a hand as if to silently gesture his first mate to settle down. He could handle this. “How about we start with your names, alright, boys?”

The two young men before him traded a look. Whatever mental conversation the two had ended in the span of seconds before the older of the pair was clearing his throat. The brunette was suddenly holding out a hand, “Captain Ishmael. Honor to meet another Captain”

“Ishmael?…” Phil slowly repeated, taking the man’s hand. He’d give it to the kid. For someone that was clearly on the verge of exhaustion, he had a good grip. “Really?”

“Uh huh!” Ishmael took his hand back with a rather proud grin, “It’s a family name. Passed down from generation to generation! I’m Ishmael the 3rd actually, in case you wanted to know.”

Phil did not. He couldn’t care less about this man’s history, but he did care about the fact that he could have sworn the man didn’t have as much of an accent before. And it seemed to be growing thicker with every word (as if “Ishmael” was getting his bearings on his new voice).

“As you can probably guess, we’re a very long way from home, you know?” Ishmael went on without missing a beat. “We had a ship of our own, but huge storm took it out with the rest of our crew and, well, you can see how things turned out.”

Phil only arched a brow further. He was sure the disbelief was heavy on his expression, “Right…” He turned his attention to the young boy beside the self-proclaimed captain. He’d been mostly quiet since boarding. “And what about you, mate?”

“Gunk,” the boy croaked up after a moment. His voice was incredibly hoarse. He had the same accent as Ishmael, lending slight credit to their tale, not that Phil believed either of them in the slightest.

“Gunk.”

The boy hummed, leaning heavily on the young Captain’s shoulder. “Yep. And that’s Gunk Gorbachev to you,” the kid added, weakly lifting his head enough to shoot Phil a glare, pointing a finger as well in a way the older blond assumed was meant to look threatening. “Heir to the Gorbachev throne, I’ll have you know.”

Phil only stared blankly at the kid. Blinking slowly, he settled on a simple, “Okay… So, we have Captain Ishmael and Gunk…”

“Gorbachev,” the kid corrected.

Phil nodded, “Gorbachev. So tell me why exactly should I let you on my ship?”

Ishmael cleared his throat first, “Well, as I mentioned before, our ship got destroyed in the storm. I know you’ve got no reason to believe us, but I assure you when we get back to the nearest mainland, I can find you all the proof I can to prove Gunk’s father is a highly influential man. He would waste no time to give you as much money as you wish for his son’s safe return.”

Before Phil could answer, Techno was doing so for him. “If he’d only send an amount for the kid, then why should we bother to keep you?”

To Ishmael's credit, he held his own well. Phil knew exactly how intimidating Techno could be, especially when he was trying. The man could make most men cower with a single look. Ishmael, however, held Techno’s look head-on, lips stretched into a firm line, “Well I’ll have you know, I’m one of King Gorbachev’s most trusted Captains. I’m now Gunk’s primary caretaker as well, seeing as the rest of our people were taken down in the waves. The bounty for my safe return will be high. Not as high as Gunk’s, but it’s still more bounty for you, isn’t it?”

“But you still crashed his ship,” Techno bluntly pointed out, much to Ishmael’s disliking. “Someone who can’t take care of their own ship and out of their crew, only manages to keep themselves and some kid alive doesn’t sound very worthy to me. At least, that’s not someone I’d wanna take back.”

Ishmael narrowed his eyes sharply, “I think as someone who lives their life on the water, you would know how unpredictable the sea can be, Sir…”

“Technoblade,” the said man gruffly answered.

“Technoblade,” the name almost sounded cruel on Ishmael’s tongue, “I’m sure you know exactly how unfair the tides are. You can’t always predict the storms when they come, neither can you always get away from them in time. I’ll have you know, Technoblade, I did my damned hardest to save my crew, but the waves separated us and took my ship down with it. You don’t think I haven’t spent days searching the shores for signs of my crew? Because I have.” Ishmael’s voice was getting louder and more emotional with every word. “The best I could do was to do my sworn task, which was keep Gunk here safe…”

Phil could see the sheen of tears behind the young captain's eyes as he choked on those last few words, and if he was lying, Phil had to admit the kid was a pretty damn good actor.

Ishmael’s arm was wrapped protectively around the Gunk’s shoulders, keeping the boy close to his chest as if it really were his sworn duty and he couldn’t handle the thought of failing another task, especially one so crucial.

Gunk was in on it as well. The boy played a pretty convincing part of the sad child that’s lost his people. Phil might feel bad if it turned out to be true because he did look awfully pitiful. He had his head tucked against Ishmael’s chest. His eyes weren’t closed, but they stared ahead, unblinking yet filled with sadness as if he were reliving the painful memories.

“Now I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk about my loss,” Ishmael finished, squaring his shoulders once more. The man’s dark eyes were hardened over in a way that almost made Phil believe his story. That was a soldier’s look if he knew one. “It isn’t as if I haven’t been thinking about them enough for the past few days… How would you like it if the seas turned on you and took your crew?”

Techno seemed to have nothing more to say to that. This talk seemed to have turned much more emotional than he planned. He crossed his arms with a grunt, breaking Ishmael's gaze to glower at the deck instead.

Ishmael broke the gaze as well, huffing loudly before turning his attention back on Philza. “Now as I was saying, you can offer me up as well. If the king offers you nothing, you can kill me, that’s fine. But I think you’d be wasting your effort if you did so now and lost even more bounty. You seem like two very smart men, so I don’t think you’d want to pass up on a good deal for nothing, would you?”

“I suppose not…” Phil hummed, leaning back in his seat. “But how do you know we won’t kill you after the payment?”

Ishmael shrugged, “Then that’s the risk we’ll have to take, isn’t it? It’s sure better than dying alone on an island, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Fair enough,” Phil decided. He pushed himself to stand and motioned to a nearby crew member towards the boys, “They can stay. We’re keeping the same route as we were without them.”

“You can’t be serious,” Techno spoke up, standing up to follow after him. A few crewmen were already passing them by to start prepping the ship for departure once more. Techno dodged between them, growling as he hurried to catch up to Phil’s side, “Please, Phil, you can’t really believe any of that, can you? That was the fakest story I’ve ever heard! C’mon! I mean, did you even hear that sob story?! The kid’s claiming to be a prince?!”

Phil only hummed noncommittally, “Now, Techno, I don’t think I ever said I believed them. I said I’d let them stay.”

“Phil, that’s two extra mouths to feed,” Techno sneered back. Phil didn’t need to spare him a glance to know how disgruntled his companion looked. “That’s two extra people wasting space that we don’t need! We could have just left them there! No one would notice! We probably won’t even get any bounty from this! It’ll just be a waste of time!”

“Then I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” Phil answered, patience holding strong as ever. He’d already prepared himself for Techno’s barrage of questions. He had a feeling his first mate wouldn’t be thrilled about keeping a new pair of strays, especially ones that tried to lie their way into staying. “They’re only a couple of kids, mate. They’ll only be here a few weeks at most, then we’ll be rid of them for good. It won’t hurt us to babysit for a while.”

“I didn’t sign up to be a babysitter, Phil! I don’t even like kids!” Technoblade was starting to sound more exasperated by the second. It took everything for Phil not to smile. His normally composed partner was throwing a fit over a couple of stowaways, as if their crew wasn’t built off similar strays. Though Phil supposed the difference was those strays were a little more honest. Phil couldn’t tell if that was the problem, or if Techno was taking difficulty sharing space with more newcomers. Apparently he wasn’t done, so Phil would soon find out.

“I mean, really, Phil. We could take in so many other things. But you choose a couple kids lying that one of them’s some fake king’s heir and the other’s a— a fake captain? Who fakes being a captain! You’ve gotta agree with me here, Phil. ‘Cause I’m sure lying about being a captain is normal,” Techno snarked, “totally normal kid things.”

Phil sighed, and paused in his step. Techno paused with him, just a step behind. Phil turned to face his partner. Techno only stares back at him, expression stoic as ever, but Phil could see the heavy annoyance in his eyes. If Phil hadn’t known him for all the years he had, he would never guess the man was only about as old as the self-proclaimed captain. He’d be a liar if he said it wasn’t starting to show currently, which Phil deemed for better or worse. For as old as he tried to seem, Techno was still quite young.

Phil placed a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, “You worry too much, mate. Yes, it is probably a lie. Honestly, I can’t say I ever believed even a second of any of it, but you saw how they looked. They were sunburnt and thirsty, and likely going to be stranded for the gods only know how long. Do you really think if you were stuck in their situation, you wouldn’t try to say anything you could to make sure you stay alive? Even if it sounded absolutely ridiculous?”

Techno went silent for a moment. Phil watched him mull over his answer. Finally, his partner averted his gaze towards the horizon. “Well I wouldn’t be as obvious about it…”

Phil cracked a laugh, “Oh, I wouldn’t either. It was really obvious, wasn’t it?” He chuckled, and gave Techno’s shoulder a soft squeeze before pulling away to continue walking, “We’ll keep a close eye on them. You can watch them as closely as you want, if that makes you feel any better. If anything seems too suspicious, then we’ll handle it. For now, let them recover. Let them rehydrate and eat, and we’ll just listen to see how their story changes. Maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll be worth their weight after all. It’s just a few weeks.” (Spoiler: it was more than a few weeks and Dadza Phil did the Dadza attachment thing as always.)

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unfortunate-stranger-losers · 5 years

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Six Baudelaires AU, Part Three {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One} {Part Two}

Chapter Twelve → in which Lilac is a Disaster Lesbian

“Is everyone okay?” Lilac asked.

The Baudelaires shakily looked to each other as they stumbled down the ladder. They heard the echoey voice beneath them, shouting instructions, but they weren’t really paying attention; Nick had once again strapped Solitude to his back, and Lilac was struggling to reach the ground with Sunny in her arms.

“As good as we can be.” Klaus said.

“How’s your arm?” Violet asked.

“I’ll be fine.” Lilac said, glancing down. “It’s not even that bad.”

The voice got louder as they descended, and they could hear, “Aye! Don’t fall! Mind your step! Aye! Don’t trip! Don’t make noise! Don’t scare me! Don’t look down! No, look where you’re going!”

“Aye?” Sunny asked.

“Another word for ‘yes.’” Klaus defined.

“Aye! Keep your eyes open! Look out below! Look out above! Look out for spies! Look out! Aye!”

The Baudelaires almost found themselves giggling; even Nick, who was not having a good day in the slightest, smirked slightly. “God.” he muttered. “I wish we’d died in the stream.”

“Shh! We’re almost there!” Violet giggled.

They reached the bottom of the ladder, finding themselves in a tight passageway. Lilac carefully placed Sunny on the ground but still held her hand, while Nick just shook and grabbed onto Klaus’s arm, still keeping Solitude on his back. “It’s too small.” he whispered.

Klaus gave him a comforting squeeze. “There’s probably a big room up ahead.” he said. “Let’s go down and see.”

They started down the hall, still hearing the voice, sounding cheerful and a bit scattered. “Hold onto the railing! Aye, on, hold onto yourselves! No, hold onto your hats! No, hold onto your hands! No, hold on! Wait a minute! Wait a second! Stop waiting! Stop hesitating! Stop war! Stop injustice! Stop bothering me! Aye!”

When the Baudelaires finally reached the end of the passage, they found themselves stepping into a small, dim room, and standing in the room, a very tall man dressed in a shiny suit with a picture of Herman Melville etched onto it.

“There are a lot of you aren’t, there?” he said. “Wait, no- there are less than I thought. Is there less than there should be? No, that’s six. There were six of you? Hello! Good afternoon! Howdy!”

“Um, hello.” Lilac said. “I’m Lilac B-”

“Baudelaire!” the man interrupted. “I know! I’m not stupid! Aye! You’re the Bauelaires! The six Baudelaire children! Aye! The ones The Daily Punctilio blames for every crime they can think of but you’re really innocent but nevertheless in a big heap of trouble! Of course! Nice to meet you! In person! So to speak! Let’s go! Follow me! Aye!”

The man whirled around and stomped out of the room, and Nick, still clinging to Klaus’s arm and trying not to cry, said, “Oh, I’ve got a great feeling about this already.”

“Shut up, Nick.” Klaus said, squeezing his hand again, as they followed the man.

They went down a hallway covered in pipes, listening to the man ramble on and on. Sunny yawned and rolled her eyes, but Lilac was too tired and stressed to scold her.

“Let’s see! I’ll put you to work right away! Aye! No- first I’ll give you a tour! No- I’ll give you lunch! No- I’ll introduce you to my crew! No- I’ll let you rest! No- I’d better get you into uniforms! Aye! It’s important that everyone aboard wear a waterproof uniform in case the submarine collapses and we find ourselves underwater! Of course, in that case we’ll need diving helmets! Except Sunny, we don’t have one that can fit her, so I guess she’ll drown! No- she can curl up inside a diving helmet! Aye! The helmets have a tiny door on the neck just for such a purpose! Aye! I’ve seen it done!”

“Can we kill him?” Violet whispered, looking very annoyed. “I bet I could drive the sub.”

Lilac spoke up. “Excuse me, but could you tell us who you are?”

The man spun around on his heel, looking aghast. “What? You don’t know who I am? I’ve never been so insulted in my life! No- I have. Many times, in fact. Aye! I remember when Count Olaf turned to me and said, in that horrible voice of his- no, nevermind. I’ll tell you. I’m Captain Widdershins. That’s spelled W-I-D-D-E-R-S-H-I-N-S. Backward it’s S-N-I-H-S-R- well, nevermind. Nobody spells it backward! Except people who-”

“Is this your submarine?” Nick asked, already tired.

“What? You don’t know whose submarine it is? A researcher like yourself and you haven’t the faintest knowledge of submarine history?”

“Actually,” Nick sighed, laying his head on Klaus’s shoulder as Soli wriggled around to try and get a good view of the captain, “He’s the researcher, I’m an… well, I…”

“Of course this is my submarine! It’s been my submarine for years! Aye! Have you never heard of Captain Widdershins and the Queequeg? Have you never heard of the Submarine Q and its Crew of Two? That’s a little nickname I made up myself! With a little help! Aye!”

“Um-” Violet began.

“I would think Josephine would have told you about the Queequeg! After all, I patrolled Lake Lachrymose for years! Poor Josephine! There’s not a day I don’t think of her! Aye! Except some days when it slips my mind!”

“Nottooti?” Sunny asked, as Nick finally moved to unstrap Soli from his back.

Captain Widdershins looked down at Sunny with a frown. “I was told it would take me some time to understand everything you said! I’m not sure I’ll find the time to learn another foreign language! Aye!”

“What my sister means,” Lilac said, “Is that she’s curious how you know so much about us.”

“How does anyone know anything about anything?” Widdershins replied. “I read it, of course! Aye! I’ve read every Volunteer Factual Dispatch I’ve received! Although lately I haven’t received any! Aye! That’s why I’m glad you happened along! Aye! I thought I might faint when I peered through the periscope and saw your damp little faces staring back at me! Aye! I was sure it was you, but I didn’t hesitate to ask you the password! Aye! I never hesitate! Aye! That’s my personal philosophy!”

The captain stopped in the middle of the hallway, and pointed to a brass plaque attached to the wall. A large VFD eye was carved into the top, and beneath it, the words THE CAPTAIN’S PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY.

Widdershins read the words underneath for them. “He who hesitates is lost!”

“Or she.” Violet added, pointed to a pair of words in scratchy handwriting.

“Ah, aye,” the captain said absently, leading them down the hall again, “My stepdaughter added that! Aye! And she’s right! ‘Or she’! One day I was walking down this very hallway and I realized that anyone can be lost if they hesitate! A giant octopus could be chasing you-”

“You know,” Nick muttered to Klaus, as Widdershins prattled on, “I was kidnapped, tortured in practically every way and then shoved into a statue-”

“If you say, ‘but I’d rather be there than listening to this shit,’” Klaus said, “I’m going to slap you.”

“Well, I was going to say ‘bullshit’, does that count?”

“I’m glad you’re past your ‘let’s kill everyone’ spurt,” Klaus said, “But this dark humor isn’t gonna help.”

“What are you, a therapist?”

“I’m just-”

“Maybe if I hadn’t hesitated,” the captain continued over the boys’ argument, “The Queequeg would have been repaired by now! Aye! The Submarine Q and its Crew of Two is not in the best of shape, I’m afraid! Aye! We’ve been attacked by villains and leeches, by sharks and realtors, by pirates and girlfriends, by topedores and angry salmon! Aye! That’s why I’m glad you’re here, Lilac and Violet Baudelaire! We’re desperate for someone with mechanical smarts!”

Lilac bit her lip. “We’ll see what we can do.”

“Though Lilac’s better at repair than I am.” Violet added.

“Well, take a look!” Captain Widdershins shouted, before walking to a large metal door and swinging it open.

The Baudeaires followed him into an enormous room, filled to the brim with pipes, between all of which were either panels of knobs, gears and tiny screens, or tiny signs saying things like DANGER! WARNING! or HE WHO HESITATES IS LOST! Here and there were a few green lights, and at the far end was a huge wooden table piled with books, maps and dirty dishes, underneath a large porthole.

“This is the belly of the beast!” Widdershins announced. “Aye! It’s the center of all operations aboard the Queequeg! This is where we control the submarine, eat our meals, research our missions and- hold on!”

He strode over to a panel and ducked his head beneath it. “Fiona! Come out of there!”

Lilac glanced around the room, starting to tie back her hair. “I could probably work with this.” she said. “I’ve seen panels like these before, and I read a book on-”

She immediately stopped speaking and her face went a bright scarlet as a girl swung herself out from under the panel.

A girl about the same age as Lilac slid out, rushing halfway across the floor on a small wheeled platform. She had a suit just like Widdershins’s, and she tossed a thick braid over her shoulder as she handed a pair of pliers to her stepfather before grabbing a pair of triangular eyeglasses off of the shelves.

“Baudelaires,” the captain said, “This is Fiona, my stepdaughter. Fiona, these are the Baudelaires.”

“Charmed.” Fiona smiled, extending a gloved hand towards Lilac.

Lilac stared, completely frozen at the sight of her.

“Um, hello.” Violet shook her hand, shooting Lilac a concerned look. “Sorry, we’re all a bit shocked.”

“That’s understandable.” Fiona said, shaking Klaus’s hand. Nick also flinched back, so she knelt down to shake hands with Solitude and Sunny. “You’re probably very tired. Stepfather-”

“We haven’t received telegrams in quite some time, but Fiona can’t quite figure it out, aye!” Widdershins said. “Lilac, get to work!”

Fiona flinched. “You’ll have to get used to the way my stepfather talks.”

“We don’t have time to get used to anything!” Widdershins cried. “This is no time to be passive! He who hesitates is lost!”

“Or she.” Fiona corrected quietly. She turned to the Baudelaires. “I’ll help you find uniforms, and then you can help with the telegram machine. I can’t make heads or tails of it.”

“Me and Lilac might be able to figure it out.” Violet said. “Right, Li?”

Lilac still had her eyes glued to Fiona, and her face was somehow getting redder. “Um…” was all she could say. “Um… I…”

Nick realized what was going on first, and, to his siblings’ shock, he burst into a grin. “Oh.” he said.

“I’m sorry.” Fiona narrowed her eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“Come on, Lilac will be fine in a minute.” Nick said, elbowing Klaus. “She just needs to time to adjust. You know. Like Sappho.”

Klaus and Violet gaped, suddenly understanding, and then they grinned, too.

“What does-?” Fiona looked confused.

“It’s not…” Lilac began.

“Hurry up and get suited!” Widdershins bellowed. “Don’t hesitate! Aye! He-”

“Is that Herman Melville on the suits?” Klaus interrupted, looking at the portrait. “He’s one of my favorite authors.”

“Really?” Fiona asked.

Klaus nodded excitedly. “I really enjoy the way he dramatizes the plight of overlooked people, such as poor sailors or exploited youngsters, through his strange, often experimental philosophical prose.”

“Aye! He is a great author indeed!” Widdershins announced. “You’re a researcher, Klaus Baudelaire, is that correct? You and your brother can look over these tidal charts!” He gestured to a pile of papers on the table. “A certain taxi driver managed to smuggle these to me, but I can’t make head or tail of them! We have to figure out the exact course of the predominant tides at the point where the Stricken Stream meets the sea! Find uniforms and get to work immediately! Aye!”

Nick bit his lip and glared. “We just got out of a raging river.” he said. “We fell off a waterfall.”

“Yes, so you must get new clothes! Aye!”

“I?” Sunny asked.

“What can we do?” Solitude translated, grabbing onto Nick’s leg.

“Perhaps you can look over the marine life in the area, aye!” Widdershins said. “You’re a biologist, right?”

“Herpetologist.” Solitude said, and Babbitt chirped from her pocket. The sound went unnoticed by Widdershins, though Fiona gave her a curious glance.

“As for Sunny, you can help in the kitchen! Aye!” Widdershins said. “Our second crewman has been in charge of cooking, but all he does is make terrible damp casseroles! I’m tired of them! I’m hoping your cooking skills might improve our meal situation!”

“She’s a baby.” Nick said.

“I see that!”

“Stepfather,” Fiona began, “Perhaps-”

“I like your glasses!” Lilac burst.

Everyone fell silent, turning to stare at her. If Lilac’s face went any more red, it might explode. She grabbed a loose strand of hair- it was almost completely fallen from her pigtails- and pulled it over her face.

Fiona bit her lip, and then gave her a smile and adjusted her glasses. “Thank you. I make them myself, we wouldn’t be able to trust optometrists even if we could get to the surface often.”

Lilac pulled her hair even more over her face, and Violet giggled as Klaus said, “Oh, we get that. That’s very impressive.”

“Yeah, I thought the triangular design-”

“That’s enough!” Widdershins said impatiently. “You have to get them into uniforms! Aye! So Lilac and Violet can fix the telegram! Aye! And Nick and Klaus can read tidal charts! Aye! And Solitude can study marine life! Aye! And Sunny can help Cookie! Aye!”

“Someone call for me?”

The children heard quiet, uneven footsteps, and then a man limped through the door, wearing the same uniform as the captain and a wide smile on his face. “Baudelaires?”

“Phil!” Violet cried.

Klaus dragged Nick behind him as they ran over to Phil, and the toddlers followed closely; Lilac, still completely red, just glanced over and bit her lip.

“Hello!” Phil said excitedly. “How are you all doing? I bet you’re doing great!”

“What are you doing here?” Klaus asked.

“He’s the second in our Crew of Two, aye!” the captain cried. “The original second in the crew of two was Fiona’s mother, but she died in a manatee accident quite a few years ago!”

“I’m not so sure it was an accident.” Fiona said, but her stepfather ignored her.

“Then we had Jacques!” the captain continued. “Aye, and then what’s-his-name, Jacques’s brother, and then a dreadful woman who turned out to be a spy, and finally we have Phil! Although I like to call him Cookie! I don’t know why!”

“I was tired of working in the lumber industry,” Phil said, “And I was sure I could find a better job, and look at me now! Cook on a dilapidated submarine! Life keeps on getting better and better!”

Violet smiled a little, as Nick clung a bit harder to Klaus’s arm. “I see you’re still an optimist.”

“We don’t need an optimist!” Widdershins said. “We need a cook! Get to work, Baudelaires! All of you! Aye! We have no time to waste! He who hesitates is lost!”

“Or she.” Fiona sighed. “And do we really have to start right this minute? I’m sure the Baudelaires are exhausted and confused. We could rest a little-”

“Rest?” the captain said in astonishment. “We don’t have time for that! Aye! Today’s Saturday, which means we only have five days left! Thursday is the VFD gathering, and I don’t want anyone at the Hotel Denouement to say that the Queequeg hasn’t performed its mission!”

“Mission?” Solitude asked.

“Aye!” Captain Widdershins said. “We mustn’t hesitate! We must act! We must hurry! We must move!”

“We must shut the fuck up.” Nick muttered under his breath.

“We must search! We must investigate! We must hunt! We must pursue! We must stop occasionally for a brief snack! We must find the Sugar Bowl before Count Olaf does! Aye!”

#asoue #asoue netflix #asoue movie #a series of unfortunate events #six baudelaires au #the grim grotto #six baudelaires official fic #mine #my fanfic

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