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neurodivergentchaosking · 3 years

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Story Time: husband edition

thanks to me reading from blood and ash, i am missing my husband like crazy. I am going to see him in about 18 hours- but thats not gonna help.. let me back up and explain our weird relationship.

2018: left the Navy (medical discharge with so much godsdamnned PTSD) and got a short-lived job at Walmart, thats where we met. what can i say? we found love in a hopeless place.

I knew i was going to marry him the moment i met him. I just fucking new it.Which was annoying cus he had a gf (also short-lived)

I may have hunted him down and did a few tactics to get his attention/ what i wanted- things i have fully confessed to him lmao-. i wanted to be with him.

he broke up with his GF when i was at pride. topless in Seattle <3 (omg post-op i can wall around topless like fucking everywhere). and we com hung out the next day...had very active sex... and then we just never were apart.

We couldn't bare to be away from each other or do anything. being in each others arms felt like home. sounds like a fucking fairytale right? too bad that shit aint sustainable. we eventually moved in and like...absorbed each other...we just smoked weed and ordered doordash. we also have a lot of unresolved trauma that we may have taken out on each other- oh the fun unintentional toxic traits you learn as a survival mechanism of severe psychological abuse-we tore each other apart emotionally

the things is, when i love someone...i love them with all of me.i will do basically anything that i think they need to be happy...i would literally murder for my people i don't give a fuck...but like also... i hate just as fiercely...and because i have trauma brain i cant always access the love and only can find the things i hate about them so i think hate them even though i dont.- *sigh* oh trauma brain, i hate you.

he is also a typical cis male when it comes to sex. clitorus, whats that? -which is insane because it is literally fucking pierced- he was also ROUGH and not in a good way. he was lucky he had such a huge cock and i have an active imagination....and a vibrator

anyways after a month after getting married (courthouse wedding woohoo)...i decided i wanted a divorce. we stayed seperated but in the same apartment- cuz im poor-

in walks Mary, my Ex (not ex at the time) with undiagnosed NPD just begging for a food source.Lets my cat out (that went missing for 8 months) and BLAMED IT ON MY HUSBAND. and my stupid ass believed her.

i barely spoke to my husband after that for months.

i did have an epiphany during a roadtrip through my childhood (Cali)...I wasn't ready to give up on my husband. so i forgave him for everything.

we still have so many fucking issues, and we both decided to be friends for now till we can grow the fuck up and get our heads outta our trauma

but its so HARD. literally!. he comes over every week, we smoke weed, laugh talk cuddle, ug i get reminding of how much i love the way he thinks. hes so fucking clever. he always pulls me tight against him like we can just never be close enough (i feel the same). I love the way he smells! i love that he is the most kind man that has nothing bad to say about people and yet can still admire my utterly savage nature and feel so accepted.

Ive never felt more seen and more loved- in my life- and its really fucking stupid (ug im bawling RN fml) that i dont get to be with him. that i hafta wait. thats dumb as shit.

theres always so much sexual tension between us, and the way he looks at me makes my heart fucking melt. like last week i was showing him new music and i was singing along and it was MUCH higher than im used to (i may have perfect pitch, but my range fucking sucks) he was just staring at me like i was this precious little angel in front of him (all of these things im incredibly NOT).

Honestly im just waiting for him to go to therapy. thats all its gonna take for me to start things up again....theres obviously a lot more to the story (include my uterus randomly yeeting our unborn child) but ugg u got the story you needed to understand why this stupid vampire porn book im reading is making me crave my stupid soulmate, and im just a bit miffed about it so yall hafta suffer this long ass story thats anti-climactic af. mwahahahaha

#BPD #romance #husband #married #trauma #childhood trauma #from blood and ash #bookworm

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