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macklives · 5 years

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homestuck recap

i hated this so fucking much bc my 2 am bitch-ass didnt want to read a recap thats probably longer than any slowburn out there

anyways here it is

also, uhhH sorry im using this as a end of session discussion bc that shit gets explained in her as well. and im not writing up more recaps of a recap so this is where im done for the day. (by done for the day i mean last nights session, im still doing a liveblog soon. i just wrote this yesterday)

also that this is long

you dont have to read it, theres nothing of importance

ive been coping with humor to get me through it

neato.

have fun with what i suffered through:

why was “beta” the only thing unhighlighted?

like did i miss a page???

OH its the beta version of HS thats why

damn its like 5 pages and thats it

mmh

well youll all be happy to know im clicking every single one of these links again bc i like looking back like ahh i remember that. good times. also in case i forgot some shit existed.

do you think andrew had fun writing this? or was he like “fuck”

thats a lot of fucking package talk. good thing im not confused as of now and remember it pretty clearly. of else, this early on in the recap, id be screwed.

god remember when i did an analysis on each item and what it did

i feel as if i have the technology engrained inside my head right now

cruxite, alchemeter, all that jazz

flashbacks are starting up already

yeah, that was the good part in homestuck where i knew 100% that i probably would continue on this liveblog in its entirety, ngl

that one explosion scene. bc it kept me going.

OH W A IT SHIT

i just realized how the intermission spades probably fucking foreshadowed the whole jack revolts thing and gains the ring, which was also technically JOHNS fault considering he slashed up the doll in the first place

my god, i guess thats the only good aspect of the recap. looking back at things and realizing the missing pieces.

oh that makes sense for the whole “this prototyping had no effect on the enemies, since he was already in the medium” i didnt actually think about that

little did rose know where that would get her right now

oh yeah

there’s still the whole entire lab terminal thing and how mom basically knows the place exists. i guess we’re still venturing onto that and itll come up later when we find out how mom knows SO MUCH about the game.

still think shes some weird spy or secret agent

i kinda love her ngl

anyways, theres literally no reason for skaia to produce a cloning machine. so technically, they only sent the meteors in, right? so who put the cloning machine in if not mom?

oh yeah that impact was nerve wrecking asf

and still at this point in the comic i called dave fuckboy red

huh, how times change

i hated reading that whole paragraph ngl, the frustration just kicked me in the boobs again

yeah nobody else got tornadoes, huh?

OH that makes also much more sense

bc she did prototyped them before she entered the medium.

i gotcha

man one of my favorite edits i made, rose hitting that meteor with a bat

are you

telling me

the exiles structures they arrived on were in the form of the items the kids used to enter the medium?

THE EGG

THAT EXPLAINS “EGG”

of course it was 413 years ago. that was never explained. simply vague “many years in the future....” but i expected no less from this

man serenity is the most wholesome character in hs no doubt

damn thought andy here was really gonna spoil us jade’s planet

okay cool, im glad i now have the layout to the whole “their stations went to the coordinates of the home button” shindig

man i honestly dont know what else to say besides “yeah cool recap” when i already pretty much know what went down? ofc im looking into each link and shit and adding in things when i see fit, but otherwise its just me going “ah good times” yknow

the whole meteor thing kinda makes sense now?

we’re still missing a few pieces of info but we’re getting there, folks

oh yeah that reveal

god jade and dave have it in the shits for parents huh

bro isnt the best and jade has a fucking dog

who lowkey

is doing better than bro

who knew a fucking dog is a better guardian than bro lmfao

dreambot = terminator. im telling you.

sorry im still on that idea and it will never leave unless i have the actual proof in front of me that its not going to become a thing. meaning, ive finished hs and theres still no terminator dreambot or either andrew himself gives me a canon letter with “the robot is not arnold, mackenzie, pls just let it be”

why is the entire game session highlighted

i swear to god if this is like to a second recap or smth of the whole game session i may fucking CRY

okay thank god its just a design of the skaia layout

which is honestly cool

idk why its blurry tho but i can at least see the layout now. which is honestly how i pictured it anyways.

yeah, john did make a huge impact in his friends’ life and i find that so fucking touching

yep. got that. everything loops around. cool.

especially when the trolls come in. god we havent even gotten to that recap portion yet, we havent even gotten to the INTERMISSION

pls can this be the halfway point to the recap

AT LEAST

so they were exiled after the whole jack: ascend thing, right? considering theyre way in the future. man no fucking wonder.

speaking of jack

man that whole dad and jack interaction was gold, ngl

OH THAT EXPLAINS THE RING THEN

and wow, andrew’s really giving us the best female content huh. andrew is the true god of equality and diversity.

also hey, i didnt realize that wow. so PM tricked the queen in showing the parking ticket to be able to take the present from jack. she’s a smart cookie, that one..

she and PM basically snitched on jack and it was the best thing that has happened to me so far

oh yeah okay

but why did AR panic over bec? bc thats something we havent learned yet, right?

anyways

exile town, the only town which should exist. facts. i dont make the rules.

noice

i love PM being queen. like.. thats canon now. shes an actual queen.

yeah that was a fun game and the consorts were cute

fuck yeah the dick head

hate them even more now that i know john was killed because of them

anyways, i wonder what dick move dave’s denizen did? maybe thats why its filled with lava bc the denizen was like “fuck it. make the land red. kill them all”

UH WHAT

WHAT

OH MY GOD HOW DID I JUST FORGET NANNAS LETTER LIKE THAT LMFAO

THEIR TITLES WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

so i still dont know what they mean but i can gather it has something to do with the game giving them abilities. considering dave is the “knight of time” and he can go back in time. whack.

which means john can either control someones breathing or simply wind. and rose is... like that one girl in the winx club who does the sun shit. bc whenever i think of light powers, i think of stella.

and jade is space. witch of space.

nice

i have no idea what that means ngl

okay finally

we’re at the trolls

maybe this recap will end soon

i remember when i thought they were internet bullies

yesss

someone asked if i basically knew the trolls were on a different veil than the kids, so not presently with them, and i know lol. i was making a joke before btw. jsyk. dont think im incompetent to forget these things when sometimes i choose to forget it so i can add in a joke

it be like that, i annoy many

then again, pls dont assume im trying to say im not incompetent bc im also a fucking dumbass and DO forget shit and i have no excuse

imagine being so bored on the meteor, your last resort is speaking to aliens

ngl me if i was ever trapped on a meteor and could potentially do that

nah ik its bc its their only hope at helping with their session or whatever tf CG said to john. but there was BOUND to be a conference meeting between them like “okay guys. humans. that needs to be sorted out” and you just hear CG screaming in the background

i cant wait to meet them honestly bc im growing on all 4 of the ones we’ve seen already. and on top of that, i know what they look like and i know theyre not THAT bad, just a little on the crayy zee side sometimes

but theyre trying

OH MY GOD

I GET IT

FUCK

DOES THAT MEAN THE INTERMISSION IS *APART* OF THE MAIN FUCKING STORY??

AND SPADES IS WV FOR THE TROLLS

GOD D A M N

wow

i didnt expect that. but maybe the signs were there and i was just willingly choosing to ignore it or smth bc “haha couldnt be, right”

flashbacks to how i thought the trolls were humans

anyways, i guess he got his revenge on the kids version of “snowman” ie the black queen. but really

he did not have to do that. he could have cut off the finger and fled. but he decided “nah, lets implode her” so the loml is dead and all i got was a catchy song

i knew they were different types of “bullies” but now i just have to replace bullies with uhh

trolling strategies

anyways, this is cute. i love how they’ve come to be friends through mutual frustration. good part in the comic.

i wonder why it explodes

more importantly

....

terminator time?

this was my favourite sequences of dialogues in the whole entirety of homestuck. that is to say the back and forth thing that the kids went through to become a sort of wingman for the other.

absolutely gold.

all except AT’s rap.

GC was the only smart one with the linear shit

anyways fuck he still has to kill the denizen now but apparently its hard to beat for a sleeping dick head so

that will be fun for the future

john will probably need to kill A LOT of imps to get there

yeah rose is a badass bc she slayed that thing with needles of all things

OH and the white queen was the cursive

damn did AR ever do the whole guide process to a kid yet? maybe he will with dave, idk

oHHH

i fucking SEE

thats why he said DNA

to use it and replace all the life forms in the ocean

fucking neat wow

man that sounded sarcastic but im genuinely impressed bc all i got was bullshit as i read jaspersprites log

so thats the secret. it was “meow” bc that somehow translates to the genetic code she needs then. and that code apparently took fucking years to write as well. sick. whack. oh man.

derse is very pretty, ngl

and wow shit

“dave had already been awake in his tower all along without realizing it” how tf does someone just

do that, awake in both places at once

i didnt even fucking realize that fact as i read that pesterlog wow

ah yes, around the time things got confusing

okay so the capsule makes sense bc at first i didnt know it was a fucking time capsule so i got confused as to how it just apparated the game lmfao

the more you know i guess *twinkle*

i find that a neat concept tho

like the whole whatever you prototype affects the imps and shit

yeah so that whole “he had no advice” basically impacted his future

no shit dave wanted to reset things bc he probably thought he caused some sort of bad butterfly effect and killed his best friend

fuck calsprite thats all im gonna say

i read that first sentence and i think i got an aneurysm

and then everything else just made me sad again

i mean good thing he fucking did amirite?

we got pain at first but now we got cool shit like idk

fucking DAVESPRITE

damn idk how that works

will rose have like two minds now? or will this be some steven universe fusion shit?

“and understood their meaning” course well i fucking didnt so could you pls elaborate, rose?

okay but then what the fuck did he use that was inside the fucking box

bc i thought he used his knife?

im only every going to refer him as that now, thank you andrew

alright okay..

god that was a lot

i dont know what will happen once i click on those links but i am going to see that for myself bc i refuse to add ANYTHING ELSE

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brinesystem · 4 years

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man

lifes bittersweet

and im gonna go on a rant? but like, a happy one???? idk man

ill put it under a cut or somethin

uh warning for like trauma mentions, if you skip the first half which is all like solid paragraphs you should be able to move right over it.

okay, so for a summary of my life real quick, and this will be p quick...

born, had no dad, lived in DC when 9/11 hit (like, walking distance to everything, IN the city DC), gained a marine dad, moved around on bases a lot, found out that im autistic and have adhd, bullied a lot in school, moved around more, got two sisters, bullied OUT of middle school, re entered a new school, bullied there too, and tHEN my memory actually starts, cause i started existing in hs?

hs also sucked though? and i was abused and became a csa/grooming victim but only online so i feel weird even taking that label, but i AM one in the end? and was so young somehow??? tbh its worse than im putting it but this is the quick version. was abused more emotionally/verbally, physically threatened at home and bullied in school right? almost lost our house too cause we were MAJORLY BROKE. Like, SUPER badly broke.

We get out of there, my mum actually gets our dad to knock it off, i fail out of hs because they changed the grading rules MID-YEAR and didnt tell me until it was too late to fix my grades for it.

cue mental breakdown, which included losing the ability to read for years, and trauma processing, etc etc. this also includes me becoming disabled, because prior to that, i actually wasnt???? i had some issues, but i wasnt disabled. now i am.

got a service dog, the dad ruined that too because he scared him a lot as a puppy and when we finally got to get him to Stop Doing That, it was too late. then the dog gets attacked twice. in home service dog only i guess now.

and then i realise, “oh fuck wait i have did”

forget about it for a year, realised/remembered it like last year and finally start doing some work with the system, finds out ive basically been fronting for like, 10 years straight at this point. only this year managed to let alters other than Fae front more, because i knew about Fae for years? but i didnt know he was an alter?????? look im dumb okay its fine.

anyways.

point is that like, i dont REMEMBER most of this? this summary type shit is what i remember, and then everything else is either a blackout, or just... blurry.

like theres some details and whatever but its mostly just snapshots, and then before hs theres even less blurry and less snapshots and its mostly just black space.

but.

im here?

like, were all here.

my system, we made it. and were alive?

like, none of us thought wed live to 20 but here i am at 24 and im actually usually happy????

its not been EASY at all, but like... i dont know?

my systems my family and i adore them more than i can put into words. the ‘scary’ ones? love them. im not afraid of them because theyre here and in our system with me and are here to help. ones been helping for longer than ive existed, like??? thats amazing? good job???? fuck.

anyways.

we werent doing okay for a long time, and then we split a lot during trauma processing pt.1 because like. no therapist. i dont recommend doing that btw dont trauma process without a therapist its not worth it.

but like.

a lot changed and i know i split shit and lost some of the memories i used to have. i KNOW that happened, because i remember remembering things that i cant recall now.

which is a weird feeling but im sure you get it.

but like.

im glad we did? like i get it. and i know that some of those alters dont front much/at all/ever anymore, but i think theyre still in there somewhere... and i love them?

theyre great. and they helped us a ton.

and two of the alters that split from that (or the trauma before maybe? idk) integrated and the result is another alter (and a completed fragment) and theyre both amazing too???

i know a lot of people complain about getting more alters or splitting or fragments and such but i just...

i dont know. maybe im just really fucking lucky... and i wouldnt put that past this tbh. but i dont mind it? we function a ton better like this, and its... so nice to see them be able to interact with people?

also theyre both introjects who LOVE interacting with others alters from their source and like

its so nice to know theyre here and happy and found the people they love again?

and i have feelings on introjects and i know theres a lot of drama going on for some reason but like. a part of did is that your relationships from the beginning of your life arent stable, right? and these introjects, they not only have those relationships in theory, but they managed to find them again?? here and now?

they have what we werent able to before, and im so happy for them and theyre delighted about it and its just...

idk.

im really happy sappy and emotional and i just am kind of writing a love letter to my system right now i guess.

cause we made it. were here and tbh this year? sucks ass. the past four years have sucked ass. a LOT of shit sucks ass. but we’re still here. were standing and fighting and enjoying life and just...

one of the alters who integrated is the one who managed to stop us from being suicidal, because he convinced me that like... “if you hate your life, that means youre not enjoying it. so, if youre not having fun, its not a life worth living to you. so have fun.”

and that was life changing for us?????

for ME?

and hes Honey now and honey is joyous and enjoys life to the fullest

but the other alter who made up honey wasnt able to do that.

and now they both are? as honey?

and thats fucking amazing????????? like????

i dont feel like i lost either of them. theyre just Honey now. and hes loving life???

i mean yeah hes got a full range of emotions now which means he can feel sad and angry while the others has more limited but like... isnt that better?

isnt it so much better to feel those?

it feels so much less shallow when youre overjoyed when you know what sorrow feels like. its so much deeper because theres that bittersweet tinge of “it wasnt always like this”

and i think thats what im getting at.

it wasnt always like this.

and it wont always be like this.

but we made it this far...

so i want to keep going.

#sehb #actuallydid #DID #csa mention

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inkbrusher · 6 years

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maybe it’s dramatic of me to say, but i often think i’m intrinsically lonesome by nature and am destined to stay that way.

i dont know what’s wrong with me, or if there is anything wrong with me, though i always feel like i’m cursed in that aspect... i feel like it’s impossible for me to get genuinely close with people. i am shy but i’ve learned to be personable to get by. but i dont know what it is i dont have that just does not allow me to make proper friends

i’m probably thinking about this a lot because lately i’ve just been so around people i wish i could be better friends with or seeing people be far more successful at making friends than me

namely my sister. i’m sure it’s evident i love her to pieces and i harbor no ill-will against her in any way, especially on this front, but it just strikes a cord with me to see her come into college and make so many friends immediately. even outside of that, in general she gets so along with people, far better than i ever could... anyone who gets to know both of us always ends up closer with her. its funny that people used to always say she was the shyer one. again i dont hate her or even dislike her for that but i can’t help but always just observe the difference between us and try to think about what is different with me. what am i missing

i suppose growing up with her, being so incredibly close, i felt maybe it was ok i was never really able to make friends bc i’d always have her. we’re always on the same page and sometimes i almost feel like we’re practically the same person. so to witness her excel at being so personable was just... made me realize it really is just me here. having these problems. my lack of competence in socializing is not exactly a universal experience

this isn’t all about my sister tho... its just a lot of that triggers these thoughts im having lately. watching her get along with people so well kills me bc i wish i could be like that. and then it makes me look at people i do talk to and wish i could do better with them. im a pretty low maintenance friend, though maybe too much so. ive grown away from people simply because i never initiated, and once they stopped, we never really reconnected.

i think about this and i dont know if this is because of my lack of experience with having real friends or if the first few friend circles i had online were founded on such passive aggression that it enabled and fed my tendency to shy away from confrontation or even just outright communication, which is actually really important. i had messy falling outs about a year ago, just because i couldnt choose who to side with, and i feel perhaps that is still affecting me.

and maybe i feel like i can never have that because i felt i had friends in high school, a best friend, even, but the fact that i no longer keep tabs on any of them anymore speaks to that point. i see now that the best friend was only one because we shared most of our classes every year. we’d hang out yeah, but that started falling apart in our senior year, and by the end i’d heard about how many times she’d had big hangouts with our other friends without inviting me. i mean in the end i see i did not share much in common with any of these people but even so... she called me her best friend and pulled that stuff... i know that sounds like petty hs drama because it is, but it’s that stuff that’s become so rooted in me that i feel like i’m incapable of ever having or being a good close friend

i am about to finish college and i haven’t made one real friend... by real friend i mean someone you go out of your way to hang out with... someone it doesn’t feel too painful to be one-on-one with... i have a lot of acquaintances tho. like im friendly enough with a lot of people, especially with animation floor people just bc im there so much and we all kind of assist each other, but i never hang out with anyone. a lot of them are friends, but i just feel strained with them. is it me? i think it is. i dont know why i can’t

four years of this has done its work on me, it really does drive me crazy at times. ive always been told ‘youll find your people!’ like in hs i looked forward to college for that but look where it’s left me... nowhere really. and then that goes back to seeing how my sister has had a completely different experience immediately coming into college so i know it is me

i’m a human being i crave social interaction yeah. i just want to know what its like to have that again. what is it like to have a real ass best friend??? to talk about stupid mundane shit like how was your day or literally anything. i hardly remember what it feels like to be so insync with another person on that level and yet i find myself missing having a feeling like that so bad... so so bad... i guess thats why i think about love so much too but thinking that far is laughable considering i am mediocre at just socializing

obviously ive supplemented this with my online presence... the reason i am Constantly online is obviously a testament to this. im lonely so i have to find a way to fill that in. ofc it’s been that much easier to make online friends but i still feel there’s an imbalance. for one, i know i’m hardly ever the one initiating. most of the ppl i talk to are ppl who talked to me first bc they got to know me thru my art (god knows where i’d be if i didnt have that thing going for me at least). i dont mean this to offend any of my online friends but i just think about how one sided even those friendships can be. i know i never initiate and i feel bad that i probably make it difficult for you. i just have no idea what to do anymore

and obviously this loneliness is why i post so much. why i wrote this whole god danged stream of consciousness for no reason. why i get so personal in posts or what have u. i got no one to talk to anymore or feel like anyone cares to listen and i feel like i can’t just use pals to ramble insecurities like this anymore and not give anything back... it’s not fair to them

but simultaneously i feel stuck in this limbo and as nothing has ever really gotten better as years go on, i feel i will be for the rest of my life

#.txt #its really late and im just getting overly and inwardly thoughtful #i just need to spill words dont mind me

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3inghao · 7 years

Note

crush anon here and AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON bc i feel like out of all of us we have the weirdest (?) relationship bc we dont even have each other on social media or each others numbers and like again im still not in their group chat?? only me and my other suitemate (the other asian girl) arent in the group chat??? which is like,, really weird bc they mention it a lot but theyve never made any moves to add (1/15)

us to the group chat and like thats not really something you can just like,, ask to join,,, and so they all hang out and grab meals together or whatever and idk i guess its just bc they dont have as much schoolwork i guess?? and my roommate and him are both film majors so they have similar classes and i guess i just havent had that many opportunities to hang out otherwise?? but like ive only seen him once since drunk (2/15)

night and it was yesterday and it was because he was downstairs in the dance room of our hall taking pictures of three of the girls from our friend group for his hw and after theywere done they just came up toour room and hung out and like ,, i wanted to talk to him more but then my friend started swiping through her tinder and so he started to swipe through his and then my roommate and her started doing the matches (3/15)

on tinder for him and it was like,, they were judging the girls as they went by like ‘oh shes cute’ or ‘oh my god shes so weird’ and it was mostly them but i felt really uncomfortable bc they were all like attractive girls and i was like ahh,,, i guess theres me the potato ,, and like i dont want my friends to know i like him either bc 1. theyd all think its like the worst idea in the world bc everyone knows how much of a player he is (4/15)

2. i still dont know if my roommates into him and 3. i still dont really know him super well and it would just be so weird for the friend group?? dating within the friend group would be a terrrrrrible idea too,,, and like im so confused about what to do but one thing i do know is that i will never tell the friend group at least until i get closer to them and him.. and even so i dont think he likes me,, although i do think hes intrigued by me,, (5/15)

if that makes any kind of sense at all… i know hes actively trying to hook up/date other girls bc of the whole tinder incident and also the other guy friend in our friend group (went to hs with x) told us that he was trying to get with this british girl he met in an elevator bc she was super pretty (and again when i say super pretty i mean it bc the girls they were swiping left on tinder were all so pretty too ????) but yeah i just felt my (6/15)

stomach drop when i heard that bc i knew what kind of guy he was even before i had a crush on him but i cant help but feel so terrible whenever stuff like that happens.. and yet at the same time i feel like our dynamic is different anyways?? like idk if this makes sense but you know when you can just feel like theres something more to your relationship with a person?? like idk this might just be me projecting my delusional (7/15)

hopes and desires onto this interpretation but i can sense like we are both trying to feel each other out, and that we dont really know how to act around each other, and i feel like im so crazy and i must be imagining it but every time we make eye contact it always feels just a tiny bit longer than normal or with other people??? you know????? im honestly going insane thinking about this,, and every time we were together (8/15)

before drunk night i would shut myself down around him like i tried to avoid eye contact or engaging in conversation bc i was so scared of letting myself fall for him but it happened anyways and now im still scared but im trying to put myself out there and engage with him but then things happen like the tinder thing and i just shut right back down yesterday and pretended like i was really focused on my schoolwork or my (9/15)

readings and ahhh i really dont know whats going on anymore i still have so much hw to do on top of that and i dont see him often bc he doesnt live in the same hall as me, im not in the group chat, and im not the same major as him so essentially we only hang out on the weekends or occasionally on the weekdays if he comes over to our dorms bc my suitemates invite him or whatever ahhhhhh i cant stop thinking about it (10/15)

and i just keep oscillating back and forth from thinking that somethings finally gonna happen and that theres a crazy spark there to thinking that theres absolutely zero interest from his end and that he would never like me and that i would never want to be with a guy like that anyways and ahhhhh i know i just have to wait it out and continue to work on it (at least being his friend) but at the same time i feel like i should just drop the (11/15)

whole thing and pretend like that drunk night never happened and just treat him with polite distance and act like my opinion of him is 100% just neutral guy that im kinda friends with and has had some good times with but i also know nothing will ever happen unless im trying from my end and actively showing interest in him but again it would be so weird bc i cant flirt with him bc my friends would 1000000% be able to tell and i (12/15)

know its still too early ahhhh my head is spinning im literally going insane AHHHHHHHHHHH sorry and literally just as im writing this my roommate is facetiming her friend and was telling her a story and she referred to our group as ‘our friend group and also two other people who live with us’ MEANING she doesnt consider me and the other girl to be part of the friend group and i knew that deep down i really wasnt but i (13/15)

hang out with these guys a lot and i try my best to be supportive but not too clingy and idk what im doing wrong??? why do people not want to be my friend??? i?????????? im sorry for being so depressing but this is legit what i feel !!! and ahh i just kinda want to distance myself away from these people and get my own friend group but at the same time i dont bc i love these people but the thing is i dont know/i dont think (14/15)

they love me !!!!! wowie wow wow anyways that was my entire fucking rant about life in general and im sorry if im burdening you but i hope this message finds you well

AHHHHHHH CRUSH ANON IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I’m starting to feel better now I was at a real low place the past two weeks and just feeling bleh but i’m getting some help and i’ll be fine :))) but since it’s been so long WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED i don’t think you need to give up on your feelings for him and i don’t think you need to give up on the friend group, they’ve probs just been more tight-knit for longer so it’ll just take time before you’re fully part of the group, if that’s what u want. Don’t stress about the boy tho!!!! if it’s meant to happen it will ya know, you can’t force something. Maybe try just being friends with him first and maybe go from there?? ahhh i feel so bad at giving advice lolollll i hope i’m helpful or can just be some that can lend an ear to you to rant

#💫

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the0ther-side0f-dawn · 7 years

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youtube

Songs that made me cry the firs time i heard them as a baby 13 year old.

I remember listening to it, and it used to make me feel powerful. Now, i listen to it, and it feels empty, like lies. I have heard the contrary too many times. Seen the contrary too many times. Seen people over and over again endorse the contrary too many times.

Also i have grown tired of the message, “noone can love you until you love yourself.”

and lately i have been seeing “you canot love yourself, until you have been shown what love is”

and i want to believe the latter is true. i want to believe that this emptiness i feel is not the result of my own failure to appreciate myself. because appreciating myself is possible the hardest thing anyone could ask me to do. not because i dont deserve to be appreciated, tho sometimes i do doubt this, but because it is really hard to love yourself, when those are your imperfections and your insecurities and all those things you have to see everyday and you have to hear the world talk about like you should be ashamed of them. overtime, when you hear the words “fat” or “ugly” or “undesirable” its your reflection that comes to mind, and not some other image like vernon dursley or donald trump or ugly betty. its not a public or fictional image, but it’s you. which is so deeply personal, and you cannot detach yourself from it.

and the media doesnt help. do you know how many fat characters there are? you go to a con, and find all the fat people, and figure out who’ll they’ll be dressed as. personally, on like a universal level i dont particularly care about men, so i dont know what characters there are in that department, but for women. It’s Ursula. Are there are other characters? maybe. i only ever see Ursula. I was watching the show the other day, and there was a character she was fat, and she was a good friend, and kind person, and she was quiet. i saw myself. and then, yknow what? the longer the story progressed it turns out she was one of the bad guys. So hey, maybe we could stop villifying fat people, that would be nice? i looked up ‘fat cosplay’ images, and on the first page, only 4 of them were canonically fat characters, and most the images there were people making fun of fat people. the canon ones: Ursula. Hulk. Garnet (from Steven Universe). Jade? or is it Jane?- i get those 2 mixed up- (from Homstuck, end even then, HS character’s size is largely up to interpretation, which is great, but im not sure it’s canon, because the way the kids and trolls are portrayed is certainly smaller than a lot of the villains such as the black king, certain members of the felt, lord english & more), but there’s a problem there

and you look to advertisements? p much always skinny women

plus size models? maybe an AUsize 14?if you’re lucky.

plus size clothes in stores? hard to find, and inconsistant. do you know how hard it is to buy bras for example? now when i was 12 i was a 16c, now an 18c. but most stores wont carry 18 in their normal range and you have to go to plus size, and what happens when its plus size? well they start at c-cup but they make the cups waay bigger? why? because they have no idea how larger women’s bodies work.

weight loss? ahaha yeah. my depression is laughing at you.

i mean 100% my depression is the reason i am fat. the reason i gained like 20kg in 8th grade. oh also a shitty mother who threatened me into silence instead of taking my feelings about how much i hate everything seriously. thats another rant.

also on weight loss: sure i have lost 10Kg in the space of a couple months before, in fact ive done it multiple times, but then life gets tough and i start stress eating again, and it all comes back, in a similar time frame. how do i lose it? i just stop eating. i replace a meal with an ice tea or soup. something liquidy, that is mostly water. and i distract myself by playing video games. but you know what? dieting takes time and money. eating healthy takes time and money. when i was in highschool, id eat what my mother gave me. when i work over the summer, i eat a lot of bread because its really easy to make a ham and cheese sandwhich, and bread is really filling, because i often work 5 hours shifts, with an 1hr transit either way, and no break.

and you know what? and if you cant afford the time and money to make good food choices, you can do what i did- just cut food. but that requires a lot of time and personal stamina also.

and then other people exercise. (good luck getting exercise clothes if youre size 16+) and honestly, even just getting any shorts that are suitable?

and going to a gym is embarrassing (because gyms are definitely marked at people who are fit and thin / muscular)

and i think people well then say ‘just lose weight’ forget how often mental health ties into it? youre often speaking to people with depression (low motivation, low energy) and people with anxiety (discomfort, insecure, get panic attacks worrying about how people perceive them) which is super ignorant

sorry i have a lot of thoughts and feelings

#sorry i have a lot of thoughts and feelings

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

Text

i have a feeling that i broke up with him.

i could just be reading it the wrong way but i also kind of thought i read it the wrong way last night.

theres no denying he was upset. he was definitely upset. i asked him outright, “what does all of this mean?” and he replied “i dont know”.

i thought that was strange. i thought if i were in his shoes and i was fed up then this would be the opportunity to break up entirely. i wouldnt say i dont know. i’d be like is it not clear enough. i’m not doing this anymore with you. whatever we are ceases to be now. i asked outright - what does all of this mean. why am i getting this rant. am i getting it because this is your end speech or because you want to rant and get it off your chest.

“i dont know”.

honestly i have done this before. and the last time meant i want to try something different and realize this is better. i dont know is poison and toxic and unfair. i should not be strung along.

he said he wanted to be left alone. he needed space. but im tired of this relationship as it is. i cannot continue this and not seriously damage my soul. he felt i wasnt listening to him, that i was making excuses for my bad attitude that makes him feel bad. that things hadnt changed in two years and he wanted space and then he hung up.

its very hard to gauge whether or not this meant an absolution. like space meant forever and we’d never be together again. this wasnt what was said. this is what i felt was implied. i dont know if im right or wrong because the actual words did not really confirm one way or another.

but this was enough for me. it didnt really matter if he was actually done becaue at that moment i had decided i was done.

and i unleashed a rant that has never been spoken of before by me because it is the number one thing i have kept inside for literally two years. this is “the secret”. this is the thing he has never known or understood to any capacity and has no idea the affect it has on my mental heath.

thats not to say he is at fault for my depression. i made a concious consenting decision to be apart of a relationship i knew was struggling to meet my actual wants and needs in life. i dont know if i ever fully believed that it could but i sincerely wanted it to. like nothing more i wanted was for this to work out an i was willing to live in a more alternative kind of way for him.

but at every single turn, at every single point this was ever brought up it continually dashed my hopes at a legitimate stable future with him. and nothing else was ever openly spoken about. i wa never apart of the conversation. other people were more apart of the future than i was. i was just a fly on the wall. i felt like a fly on the wall, i felt really insignificant and i allowed him to say things to me that were absolutely wrong and disgusting for any person in a relationship to say to someone else.

i acted on pure instinct and let it go; i aske him why he would ask me to follow him. why would he continue a relationship that had no future. why does he say things during sex that dont relate to the actual life i have with him and why doesnt he understand that this has sent mixed messages for two years. why cant he see the ony thing ive consistently said i wanted was a life with someone. i wanted a future with someone. i wanted to be with someone. i wanted a fucking reason to live within my own desires for life. and he never gave me that because all he gave me was money and he doesnt even see whats happening because hes too busy trying to get something back for all the money hes put out. its like he is where he is right now because he has all these arbitrary rules eeryone hs to follow in order to interact with him and their reward is a mediorce friendship where they still hve to follow all the rules to maintain it. its completely unfair when ive given him nothing but love and respect and i just hated myself enough to follow these bullshit rules without saying anything until now.

and then i stopped. it was a blast of seven or so short messages - no long rants or over explaination. just straight forward completely plain and simple. i spent a long time writing 50 pages that in reality didnt sum up what i was able to in these messages but maybe i needed to write 50 pages to be able to sum it up. i bn a way, i didnt even need a response. this was just for me after two years of holding back an sayng nothing - this was an ending for me. i gave him two years of my dedicated love and affection and loyalty and support. this is what i wanted in return. i just needed to say it.

and i wouldve sat on it as that for the next few days. i sat down afterwards upset that i was involved in a conflict at all but not upset about the ending of this era. to be fair to the randomness of life, i wont say its an end to the relationship or a relationship with him because who knows but its certainly an end of this era of keeping this huge secret that affected the entire way the relationship played out. but its not like this really bad secret. its not me trying to harm him. my secret was that i loved him so much i wanted to be with him for 10 - 20 years and i wanted to be in his life and do things with him and become a better person with him and for him and for myself. but i knew he didnt want that. he said it multiple times. but we stil ended up at two years in a solid relationship together. a solid relationship tht had literally no future from the moment it started. and that’s really, really hard. i blame neither of us. we were really excellent to each other in this relationship by most standards. we had very little complaints about each other and the ones we had kind of remained consistent from the time we met each other. and neither of us changed these traits. but how do you give p something that kind of does work for the most part? like my laptop is pretty shit but im not tring to throw it out because it still works in most aspects. it just has some quirks that piss me off.

but non-commitment is not a quirk. its a really big deal. its a really big deal to put two years of your life into someone and not see a future or want a future with them throughout the whole thing.

i figured he wouldnt reply at all. a few hours went by before he replied “im sorry. i guess we’ll see if the future will prove your theory” and then “good night. you do not get to harass me because you’re upset.”

at the time i quickly read this as a sort of passive aggressiveness. like “oh, i’mmmm sorrrrryyy you feel this way but whatever fuck you.” i got angry again. i didnt know why he was replying and why this reply was so ambiguous and mentioned nothing in regards to what i said. why reply at all? two hours later? about harassing him? that really makes no sense when i sent an appropriate number of messages nd then stopped within probaby less than fifteen minutes. it wasnt like i spammed him with non sense, i simply texted in a way i would anyone else and didnt stick to his format of how to text him. but again - why reply at all?

i told him if he wanted to belittle my actual thoughts to just me harassing him thats up to him but i was good on talking to him tonight. he replied, “i dont want to speak anymore.”

to which i replied of course because ive pulled the blanket off of this whole thing. he knows that i know that this is bullshit, he knows that i want more and have said i wanted more and hes continued to act the way he does and say the things he does with nothing behind it. of course he doesnt want to speak anymore to answer to any of this. hes too insecure to admit that he had a hand in the failure of this and wants to blame it on me.

i stopped after ten minutes or so. its not like constant messages ten minutes straight but it took me ten minutes to fully type out and send the three or four messages it took to express myself. it wasnt like an hour of my time dedicated to doing this.

but then i kind of read back on it. and it is ambiguous. its very much still in the lines of “i dont know.” because he chose not to attack me or what i said. he could decide he just oesnt have the time to care about it anymore. that hes not going to dignify it with a response. but why acknowledge it. why say something like “im sorry.”. was he sarcastically replying like lets see if youre right and if so - how does that apply to what i actually said? is that in regards to the idea that i believe what i need is having someone in my life? i didnt really insult him - the worst i said was about his arbitrary rules.

and “i dont want to speak anymore”. i sound crazy because he makes people sound crazy on purpose. but ive explained it that i know im being played, i know this is a game and i never want to play it again, ever. i’m ending the game once and for all - either the game stops and we have a future together or the game stops and we dont. either way the game is stopping. he did not say “i dont want to speak to YOU anymore”. it souns crazy. it sounds like im reading into it but i have not been wrong before. and this is not because i want to be with him as is. i dont. my assumption is things are not changing and this is the end times or i would not have said what i said. i would PREFER closure. i would much rather have him outright say “i cannot have a life with you, i dont see myself with you in the future, i may or may not love you but i am going to live a different life.”

and to be fair, i deserve that closure.

“im sorry. only the future can prove your theory”

“good night. you do not get to harass me because youre upset”

“i dont want to speak anymore.”

the only thing he neede to say was “i’m done. i’m no longer going to be apart of this. no relationship, no future.”

what is my theory? my theory is that he had no plans for me in his future. that he has never truly had plans and hs never spoken openly about having a future with me but he’s been more than capable of making future plans with others. and a good portion of the reason why he refuses to make any plans is due to not following his arbitrary rules to be his friend. thats my theory. hes depressed because he puts these rules on every single person in his life and ive hated myself eough to follow them knowing it was outlandish. but when you dont follow the rules its a real insult to him an you dont care and youre being inconsiderate of him and what he wants in this.

my theory is that im extremely unhappy doing this. im extremely unhappy getting money without love. without a future. he truly made this into a 2 year prostitution. and he somehow sells this to me as him just feeling bad you know. he felt too bad to do it because things always come up and he cant talk about being upset. so two years of prostitution was a much better solution.

so how can the future prove this theory? how can it prove that he had no plans for me in his future? that cannot be proven unless you DO have plans. unless i am actually apart of the plans. to apologize is to acknowledge that im not wrong. that what im saying is true belief and that i didnt pull this out of my ass and im not making an excuse for it. i was sold, continually, on something that was never provided. empty things were said. this is truly heartbreaking. to say im sorry is to say that im not wrong to feel this way.

of course he feels “harassed”. its all he can do in response to this. hes not going to get into it now - he cant just fall back on how he feels about my attitude and hes not secure enough to take his part of the blame. he has to tell me im harassing him, that he believes im upset.

and its so easy to read “im not speaking anymore” as a fuck you. it really is. but when you put it into this context - that i attacked him, that i’m now clearly incredibly upset about something that is very much of a reality in our relationship and has been for a long time - to say “i dont want to speak anymore” could very well be more like “im not going to speak anymore”. that he knows im upset and hes not going to fuel it any further. that he knows hes gotten himself into this by talking a lot of shit before this so speaking even more isnt going to solve it.

but by all means i could be wrong. i could be completely wrong and its just me assuming we’re still in this game when he’s already left it. i dont know. we love each other a lot, i honestly believe that, and neither of us has done anything at all to eachother in two years that was malicious or mean. everything that comes up is in regards to how someone is dealing with whatever is going on. we dont have bad feelings about each other.

since it was my birthday i ignored his rules further and sent a final three messages before midnight. i think as my anger subsided from being attacked, i began to realize that he might not have been as on the defensive as i believed him to be. so i softened a bit - not that i wanted to “get him back”. i dont really want him as is. i love him but fuck man its tooooo painful. instead i just explained much more calmly that i was really disappointed and heartbroken and all i ever told him was that i wanted a family and to share a life with someone. i screamed this at him because its all i want in life and i live in a way with him where its dangled in front of me all the time but its not actually there and it kills me because i love him and i want to be with him and i want to have that life with him and i dont need luxuries and i would follow him. but this has weighed so heavily on my depression when my depression is feeling alone and isolated in the world. i could have put the effort into someone who wouldnt leave me in two years because im frustrated they dont really want to be with me but are still fucking with me. you couldve let me find happiness somewhere else but you didnt.

i told him i would never think of him as a bad guy or abusive. i dont think is shittier traits equate abuse. i would never sell that idea to anyone else so i can be more of a victim or something. he wasnt a bad guy and he certainly was not abusive. but he can be controlling and manipulative. these are not star qualities and do as much damage as someone having to cre for someone else with depression. i think we are both equally responsible for the hurt in this relationship but i have no resentment or feeling of needing to be vindicated. i took responsibility for my own actions - not speaking up sooner or being more straight forward when this was affecting pretty much everything.

this morning i woke up feeling uneasy. i realize now its because i didnt get closure. it wasnt a real breakup. i didnt have any plans to get my stuff back. i have his skates and his mothers skates. he has extremely sentimental items to me that are only there because of an empty promise he made and never fulfilled. the game continues. he knows my part of the game is to return everything. he knows i want a clean break. i want to be told “im not doing this anymore, i will drop off your things at such and such time and im not interested in having further discussions with you about the relationship”. the return of things is a sign of respect and also not to further the issue along. i dont want to see you in a month to collect shit from a former relationship. i want to come tomorrow, get my shit and forget you exist. im doing yu the same favor. why prolong it.

so i decied to make the super extreme cold trek to his house but it was good. i really needed to take a walk and get fresh air and it was super cold but i didnt freeze. i collected some of the things i borrowed from him but i returned some thngs that were kind of just momentos of the relationship. and that was my own manipulation tactic. i really want to double down on the fact that in my mind he has already ended the relationship and i am sooo hurt and feel sooo badly/strongly about the whole thing. i returned a picture. ive kept the picture for almost the whole relationshp through various moves. ive lost keys and wallets and cellphones in the time of having this picture and its a really nice picture of us but man is it painful as fuck to look at it. i certainly dont want it when this relationship was built on a two year farce.

i returned flowers - which is funny but dried flowers i kept when he bought me flowers. because in such manipulation tactic i want him to know that he and this was of such importance to me that i kept dried flowers he bought me. i returned something he never owned or even bought or would maybe even understand why i would give it to him. i bought / made a necklace over christmas that had our birthstones in it. i dont know why. it was like the one hopeless romantic thing ive done in my life. i returned that because im pissed. he literally had no idea probaby that this necklace existed. but im pissed and the only gesture appropriate eough to express the level of heartbroken anger i have is to return a necklace i made that he didnt even know existed. its not even returning. i gave him a necklace. i gave him back a book i borrowed from him like.. three months into dating. i returned the last sweater i borrowed that i have in my possession.

as a whole this symbolizes that at this moment, i no longer have things to return. i am not keeping things as a romantic gesture. i am literally giving him everything back. his mind, his peace, his material posessions and the “love” that he’s provided to me. i am giving him back, with all of these things, the piece of his heart he gave to me. it was very small but im really just going to return it as unharmed as possible.

but i shifted control and put the ball back in his court. i was “expected” to “give him space”. i always am. but i can give you space forever if you just return my things, you know? like dont let me sit here wondering when the guy who refuses to alk to me might give me one of the few posessions i have thats a family relic. thats really fucked up. you can end it completely and have all of the space in the world. and he’ll make excuses either way - he’ll bide time until he wants to deal with it because he can do what he wants or he’ll bide time to let everything simmer down to try and reignite something.

i messaged him a final time - well for me at least, for the next day or so. i personally really honestly got everything out i would need or want to say to him. i have no more questions. this is it. this is the most IT of all the things. everthing else is meaningless. i even went to insult him our of pure anger and in anger deleted it because thats not even my problem. i dont need to insult him to make him feel bad my objective is not to make him feel bad but for him to fucking understand once and for all that he ignored every single request i ever made for what i actually needed to feel content in my life. he took up space that someone else could have been in that actually wanted to be with me long term. and to what end? that was my question. TO WHAT END DID ALL OF THIS HAPPEN? WHY? why would someone put themselves through this with zero commitment and then become frustrated after playing like they were committed for two years? you cannot brush off ther seriousness of it being so long now. its not a fling. we both made choices. i am telling you why i made mine. i am telling you that i “knew” you were not going to give me what i want and i continued to consent to being in a relationship with no fucking future because i loved you. why the fuck did you do it when you werent getting what you fully wanted either? was this all just a game? a way to pass the time? an inconvient time? did he just pity me? did he use me? why did we go an entire two years when my depression caused by feeling isolated and unloved because i lived on the sidelines of the life of a person i spent the majority of my time with was making me feel sooo jaded and bitter at times that i sat completely frustrated or got into arguments where im sobbing about wanting a family like an after school special? i KNOW thats stressful. i GET IT. but WHAT ABOUT THE CAUSE? im not just freaking out to freak out. all these little things throw into question any legitimacy of a fuuture with him and hes spent two months talking about leaving and im not even remotely involved and he wonders why i have a bad attitude towards him? he wonders why i wont take his advice outright? all you’re doing is telling me whats wrong with me and leaving. you’re essentially a troll. the only way your words have any true impact is if you’re apart of my actual life. not right now. not just in the now the current day. but my lifetime, like a legitimate care and deep understanding of who i am and what ive been through with an unconditional love and forgiveness for failures and missteps. you want me to become better because you want to watch me become better, you want to see me alleviate my suffering, not because you’re scared and feel obligated like i’m a homeless person sitting on your front step.

this is all i want to know. and i may not get an exact answer as to why it happened. but i will get an exact answer to whether he believed/s there was/is a future together for us. ive made it so easy not to commit in any certain way. but now it cannot continue in any fashion without a commitment to a future. i dont want to be on my life journey with someone whos not even sure if theyll be there. like every corner they might take another road. thats so much instability its weighed so fucking heavy on me like the only thing i want is this and its not happening.

if he replies to my message today or makes an effort to return my things today then i know hes moving forward without me. it means hes definitely not dealing any further and hes removing all reason to contact him further. if he does not contact me today it means that all of this is so heavy and so painful for him that he cannot deal and hes not sure what he wants or how he wants to deal with it so hes not going to touch it right now. it means hes not ready to remove reason to contact him. he wants the chance to keep this going to a point where he can make a decision.

i made it very clear i just wanted the sentimental items. this is what would weigh on me the most from here and they were very important. i manipulatively mentioned that i had not cheated on him or called the cops on him for no reason to further distance myself from the idea that i was somehow like his exs. seriously. i am sad because i am isolated. i am isolated because of him. without him i would meet new and different people who may or may not help me further my life but he has made even new friendships hard on me. he wanted all of my attention and love and care and i wanted to give it to him and then he wouldnt want it but then want it again and im just so tired. im not a bad person. im fucking sad and lonely. i could be fulfilled by him but he wont give it to me.

i told him we could have a conversation if he wanted to but my assumption woul be that he did not want to. i was giving him the option to be peaceful about it. to just end it copacetically so we could hide and lick our wounds seperately in private. his silence would speak so much more to me than words in this situation because i would know he was very much done. but im not going to shut down communication. im going to leave it open for him and let him know that he still has the door shut on his side.

if he doesnt message me back today im going to message him again tomorrow and essentially repeat that i would like to make a plan to have this returned to me asap. and that im also still genuinely just hurt but have no reason myself to continue trying to make something out of this that was never going to be. hes had two years to decide if he would want me in his future, it shouldnt take longer than two days to reply to ending it.

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