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s-the-seething-songbird-2 · 5 months

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Logs for Thomas, Part 2: #5

Song stuck in my head: “Waves” by Robin Schulz and Mr. Probz

Hey, Thomas.

I’m currently in a lounge at my school, waiting for my boyfriend to finish packing up our stuff. We just finished doing something really fun related to his prospective career—I can’t go into specifics for safety reason—and it went really well! He was stressing about it earlier, but I told him that it would be alright, and it was.

I’m… not feeling great right now. I’m not the most outdoorsy person in the world, and I’m sensitive to extreme temperatures, so I’ve been chilling inside. In my defense, I did help him retrieve everything from the car, which meant we were on a significantly smaller time crunch than we would have been—not that he owes me anything for it, but maybe you can understand why he’s insisting that I’ve done more than enough today, all things considered.

But I’m safe, and semi-comfortable (I found out that I’m super allergic to a necklace I borrowed from my girlfriend), and all I have to do is wait.

Just wait. Alone. With my thoughts.

Yes, obviously, I’m never truly alone—for reasons that you already know but will not be disclosed here for my own safety—but I don’t want to talk to them right now. Truth be told, at the moment, I don’t really want to talk to anyone but you.

I’m having a hard time remembering how euphoric it was back then, when we were together. I know it felt euphoric because I documented the shit out of that part of my life via video, audio, and writing, but I can’t seem to feel it anymore, even when I’m lost in thought over the whole thing.

I can remember some of the pain just fine, unfortunately, but the warmth and excitement for that particular month of my life is just… gone. I can read it, and I can see it, but it’s so far away now.

Yes, I’m still capable of feeling happy and excited, but… This is hard to explain. Have you ever felt a certain “vibe” in a particular place and time? Like,,, okay, hold on:

Imagine it’s 2008. It’s warm outside, with wind chimes in the distance. Some clouds here, some tall trees there. Thick, lush grass that’s just been trimmed. You could play outside like this for hours. In this moment, you are this version of you. The feeling of being at this age, during this season, not quite aware just how large the space is around you. Life is just a blurry home video that spans a period of weeks or months, and you think that this is all your existence will be. It doesn’t occur to you that, within a yet or so at most, everything will feel different. You will feel different, you’ll be different. But for now—right now, in this moment—you’re alive. You’re self-aware. The air even smells “special” somehow.

That. You felt it, right? It’s like an aesthetic, but mentally- and emotionally-driven? That’s what I mean by “vibe,” which I know is an inept term to properly describe anything, but it’s all I can think to use. Maybe there’s a word for it in German or something. Maybe this is what ‘nostalgia’ is?

(Tangentially, the concept of nostalgia has always confused me. My guess is that past trauma has had something to do with it. When people say, “Man, don’t you miss being a kid, and playing video-games, and hanging out with your friend at reheat birthday party?” I’m like… No. I don’t miss it. I don’t miss it at all.

Sure, I remember experiencing those things, but there was almost never a moment in my childhood where I felt truly free and happy anywhere. Even the moments of temporary joy or hope were always overshadowed by the fear of getting in trouble, or doing something bad/“sinful”, or losing something I loved.

It makes me so angry to think about. Those lovely childhood memories that normal people relive have been robbed from me forever. I didn’t get a say. I didn’t get the chance to defend my peace, to defend my innocence. Like a sandcastle, it was just decimated right in front of me over and over again.

Sorry, I’m getting angry, and this has nothing to do with why I felt the need to—jesus, it’s almost been an hour, is my boyfriend okay? I’m going to check on him.)

Anyway, that “vibe” from autumn of 2018 is gone now. Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and feel it again for a couple of seconds, but then I’ll blink, confused by it, and then it may just disappear for good.

Why does pain always last longer than joy, Thomas?

Sometimes, I just… I just want to go back to that time. Even alongside all of the horrific bullshit I was going through. Just to feel what it felt like to be loved by you again. Just to have it, to remember it, to appreciate it one last time.

But I know it’ll only hurt me again once I open my eyes.

I want you here, Thomas. I want to introduce you to the rest of my friends, to my partners, to my sister. I want the world to know how important you are to me. But maybe that’s just the BPD talking.

I had a dream about Kai last night. They were wearing all of their clothes from high school, from that one photo on their Facebook. We somehow went to high school again after college and bumped into each other. We smiled at one another, and I said, “I know you might be mad, and I’m sorry. But I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.”

And they grinned and said, “I missed you too.”

And we hugged. We hugged, Thomas, and I was so happy. And it even occurred to me that if they were okay with me, now… maybe Shay was cool with me again, too. And then maybe, just maybe, I’d get to see your face again.

But I won’t.

And it hurts so bad.

I want that sense of family between all of us again, just as Jack does. But every day without any of you around, that hope grows dimmer and drifts further and further away.

It’s heartbreaking.

God damn it. God fucking damn it, Thomas, this is so unfair!

I know the world doesn’t owe me anything! I know that I’ll live through the pain! I know that I’ll probably feel better tomorrow! But it still hurts, and I miss you, and I wish we could hug and make stupid jokes and have a nice dinner with your and Shay’s pets! And you could crack jokes and make her laugh, and one of the dogs could try to steal my food when I’m not looking, and I could politely tell it no, and it could give me sad puppy eyes, so I’d feel bad and give it extra belly rubs later!

Ughhhhhhhhhhh I want to scream

Okay, sorry, I have to go now. But thank you for listening. You know, if you are.

Although, more than likely, I’m talking to no one.

No one.

Just me. Here. Alone with my thoughts.

-S

#logs for Thomas #11/21/23

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manicdragondreamgirl · 3 years

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I haven’t had chemistry since like 2008, and I’m also an idiot who likes to make my friends upset, so I rated the periodic table in order to tilt my friends:

Hydrogen - this is like your childhood friend who has always been with you more or less and always will be down to get a drink and chill even tho you haven’t spoken in years. Solid bro imo 7.5/10

Helium - always down for a good time, even if probably created Alvin and the Chipmunks which in some places is considered a war crime. 4/10

Lithium - Gives me bitchy vibes and is flammable as fuck if I remember. Skinny bitch with an attitude 3/10

Beryllium - idk this sounds like a sailor moon villain lol for that it can have a 6/10

Boron - more like BORONG amirite ha ha wait no seriously I have no idea lol 5/10 clean neutral rating

Carbon - *screaming* 2/10 I will not be taking questions

Nitrogen - cool cool cool tight tight tight 9/10 Nitrogen just is the cool hot chick you wish you were

Oxygen - kid who takes up all the glory for the group project even tho you did all the work, 4/10 for natural charisma

Fluorine - lol what are you knockoff chlorine lmfao bitch 3/10 reminds me of the dentist

Neon - I can vibe with this boy for his contributions to signs which cause my eyes to scream 8/10 modernized Art Deco thanks you

Sodium - 10/10 this is me and I won’t be taking questions next element

Magnesium - magnesium is a close relative of magnificent and therefore I think the case is closed folks 9/10

Aluminum - 10/10 for providing a home to my Diet Coke addiction I’d be dead without you

Silicon - 6.9/10 :smirk:

Phosphorous - This has a very soundly name and it’s welcome to do that but idk, not a fan, seems like he’d be smelly, 2/10

Sulfur - 1/10 pretty sure that dog farts are purely comprised of this and as such if I was leaving negative ratings I would

Chlorine - 7.8/10 for being in pools so we could swim without brain eating amoeba in the south you a champ

Argon - he seems like a nerd jk this guy has a good color 9/10 for just being himself

Potassium - I hate bananas and this word gives me the physical sensation of biting into one but only by thinking of abstract letters and making them into something which we can nutrientise from bananas and to me that shit is bananas, b a n a n a s — 3/10 for making me sing hollaback girl thru adhd word association

Calcium - hm my brain went to mega milk so you get a 2/10 today bud I don’t make the rules

Scandium - pretty sure this is fake lol what’s next faxdium, e-Mailite and copinium? 5/10

Titanium - this song’s a banger and also is the only thing that lets me wear earrings 10/10

Vanadium - if your erection lasts for longer than like idk it’s supposed to then don’t take vanadium wait what do you mean it’s not an ED treatment 4/10

Chromium - decent bloke shame the browser eats all your memory 5/10

Manganese - if a weeb tries to tell me how to pronounce mayonnaise one more time... 1/10

Iron - excellent tool against the fey, in your blood, what a bro, 10/10 this bitch slaps

Cobalt - has a powerful energy; I respect him. 8/10

Nickel - if I had a nickel for every time someone made this joke lol 5/10 he’s doing his best

Copper - taste bad 3/10

Zinc - isn’t that the dude in the green tunic and white tights who saves premcess Lelda or something lol 7/10 those games are good

Gallium - seems like a prick 4/10

Germanium - sounds like a child pronouncing geraniums which are superior 3/10

Arsenic - bad vibes coach 1/10

Selenium - isn’t this just sailor moon lol 10/10 love this bitch

Bromine - farmine wherever you aremine - 9/10 I love a good bro

Krypton - he’s okay I guess 5/10

Rubidium - yet another Steven universe villain who will be redeemed I imagine 4/10 seems a bit dull

Strontium - I feel nothing when I see this lad’s name and that seems like a shame 1/10 I don’t like it

Yttrium - this is an atrium in Yharnam, or something 8/10 would love to sit in one and make contact with higher beings

Zirconium - oh wait THIS is the sailor moon villain from the dead moon circus! 9/10 I enjoyed that arc

Niobium - seems sassy, I like that in an element 7/10

Molybdenum - I hate this one, rancid. 1/10 for making me have flashbacks to difficult Ancient Greek vocabulary there is no fucking way that sound combination is anything but Beta and Delta borking and then Latin being like oh imma steal that

Technetium - 6/10 decent name but seems a bit forced

Ruthenium - 5/10 kindly old lady element I guess lol

Rhodium - 10/10 this ain’t my first rhodium babee this lad has good vibes what a name what a king

Palladium - 10/10 for making me think of paladins

Silver - 12/10 I’m breaking the rules for this silver is the best it is so cool and also it is the other best tool for dealing with supernatural creatures when iron has failed you highly suggest Even if I am extremely allergic to it going into my ears...wait hold on

Cadmium - 2/10 sounds like a total douche

Indium - 8/10, i just think it’s independent and neat

Tin - 10/10 good ear sounds when involving rain and roof shapes and automatically reminds me of Nora Jones’s come away with me album which is also 10/10

Antimony - 7/10 decent protagonist good name all around seems rad

Tellurium - tell ur mom what? That’s so early 2010s league of legends humor bro 2.5/10

Iodine - strikes fear in my soul from having it poured on my wounds but this is why I have more pain tolerance than god 5.3/10

Xenon - I think this is a declension of Xena warrior princess which is a win in my eyes, 8/10

Caesium - kind of has a cunty Latin name, 4.5/10

Barium - yeah boss, bury’im! 7.5/10 I love a good mobster gag

Lanthanum - A bit pretentious on the Tolkien spectrum sorry bud 3/10 sounds like you’d be the dickwad elf everyone hates

Cerium - 6.5/10 I like this one, gives me a clean vibe

Praseodymium - the fuck who sneezed all their alphabet soup onto the paperwork and called it an element Christ we can’t keep doing this 1.5/10

Neodymium - oh my god what did I just say 1/10

Promethium - thank Christ we’re back to greek 9/10 Prometheus was a Chad I could get behind

Samarium - 5/10 gives me boring wizard vibes

Europium - 4.5/10 don’t rename opium chrissake can’t take these nerds anywhere

Gadolinium - 5/10 it’s a starship knockoff but it’s trying to be bold with the G sound

Terbium - 2/10 I don’t vibe with this one

Dysprosium - sounds like an antidepressant that has a lot of shitty side effects 3/10

Holmium - sounds like someone anxious asking their beloved to hold them 8/10 I like hurt/comfort fics

Erbium - you can’t just describe something as herby you daft bastard 2/10

Thulium - sounds like a spell I like it 8.5/10

Ytterbium - macguffin in a shite sci-fi show that gets highly overrated because BBC produced it and superwholock stans emerge and go utterly feral 1/10

Lutetium - bards are an element I agree 10/10

Hafnium - sounds like a river (my dog) sound and has a cute vibe, I’d offer it head pats 7/10

Tantalum - noooo you can’t be sad yuor so sexe haha 6.9/10 tantalizing

Tungsten - 10/10 this is a lad with history

Rhenium - 5.5/10 it’s ok

Osmium - 4/10 I wasn’t a big wizard of oz fan

Iridium - 9/10 sounds like iridescent and that’s in my top 10 favorite words and concepts

Platinum - 10/10 best Pokémon game

Gold - 7.9/10 all that glitters and all but it’s still pretty on some people, silver is better tho

Mercury - yikes 8/10 so it doesn’t kill me

Thallium - sounds like the brother character in a ps4 exclusive western rpg that oddly falls under the radar in terms of reviews and gets shafted at awards for no reason 7/10 I’ll support you tho

Lead - 2/10 that’s gonna be a no from me dawg pretty sure I still have lead in my hands from stabbing myself with my mechanical pencils

Bismuth - 6/10 sounds good in mouth and reminds me of biscuits for some reason, I’ll take it

Polonium - to thine own self be true so stop trying to act like the arts don’t influence science jk pretty sure this is named for Poland but hey that’s where we get the Witcher so you get a pass 6/10

Astatine - 1/10 I don’t even know what you are

Radon - 7/10 this motherfucker knows his shit and how to party, rad is right

Francium - I bring you francium...and I bring you myrdurdium... 7/10 for a good vine

Radium - killed the video star probably 9/10 I can get behind her

Actinium - as opposed to passtinium I prefer actinium in the voice of writing 8/10

Thorium - overrated Norse god 5/10 because lightning is still cool

Protactinum - sounds like some pretentious condom brand 4/10 wouldn’t do it with a dude who bought these

Uranium - I always thought she was a hot sailor scout 10/10

Neptunium - same for her I knew they weren’t cousins you couldn’t lie to me 4kids 10/10

Plutonium - sounds like a macguffin unfortunately 5/10

Americium - I read this with a pivotal letter missing and nearly died, 7/10 for the laugh

Curium - 10/10 gives me Curie vibes and also reminds me of curiosity which reminds me of—[old yellered before the association could set in]

Berkelium - what I shout when I want Burke (fam dog) to slaughter innocents and raze territories 2/10 world was not meant to know his commands

Californium - 1/10 California is cool with geography but probs could stand to chill with the ego sorry to my friends in Cali

Einsteinium - 6/10 it’s alright but we’re really running out of ideas huh

Fermium - 3/10 this one is porny

Mendelevium - 1/10 my brain didn’t like parsing this and I stand by my earlier statement of running out of good names

Nobelium - 0/10 you didn’t name any noble gases this cowards this gas can’t be a noble oh wait it’s NOBEL I take it back 5/10 seems an alright chap

Lawrencium - fear the old blood my sorry dead hunter’s ass I’ll never get back my life from the hours I spent trying to beat this lava shitting bastard 2/10 for being a boss who eats Taco Bell specifically before being challenged to have fresh lava shit with which to punish you for having the audacity to exist in his space

Rutherfordium - my god what a snob 4.2/10 I respect him a little but only because he sounds like a right lad

Dubnium - DROP THE BASS 10/10

Seoborgium - not sure about this one but it can have a 7/10

Bohrium - as an American English speaker this sound combination makes my pathetic throat become a black hole as I try to properly create the sound of it 10/10 I love when my body becomes a massive void in the universe

Hassium - lazy 2/10

Elements 109-118 can go fuck themselves I hate them all, collective 6.66/10 for their general demonic vibe

#the periodic table #made by an idiot #it’s me your manic dragon dream girl #long post

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itsyourjoon · 6 years

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You groaned as you silenced your 7.55 alarm to get the 5 extra minutes before getting ready for the coffee date with Hoseok and the new kid you’ll be meeting - Jimin apparently. You knew nothing of the him, except that he is suppose to be a good dancer, considering how much Hoseok praises him and is excited to move him to advanced so soon. It’s not common that contemporary dancers know hip-hop so well. You and Hoseok are barely in the intermediate jazz classes after all.

The five minutes pass way too fast for the full 300 seconds that they actually are. But… a second did just pass as that thought went through your sleepy brain.

Getting ready didn’t take much effort, since you prepared the clothes for today before you went to sleep, after Hoseok texted you anyways. It was just a black printed shirt slightly (or a bit more) too big for you, black ripped jeans with fishnets underneath and of course black shoes. You didn’t aim for a spectacular impression anyways so why bother.

At nine, the café where you and Hoseok always go to (I mean no one makes a better frappuccino than the baristas here) wasn’t that overly full anyways, since most students in the campus already had class or if they didn’t, they were actually in the library studying. Wow. Dedication. You noticed Hoseok’s red mop of hair in your usual seats - a table for four, but who cares if two people sit there, the view to the street is really nice from there - and an additional blonde bundle of hair, stuck under a black beanie. You skipped your way over to them and hugged Hobi from behind leaning down to his sitting figure, when you saw he ordered your usual order already. “Thank you bub! I’m so glad you went ahead and ordered it already!” Hoseok didn’t hide his (slightly) cowardly heart and let out a yelp when he felt your arms around his neck. At that the boy in front of him opened his eyes a bit wider when he saw his companion scared but smiled, shaping his eyes into crescents after the scene unfolded infront of him. You finally remembered your manners towards strangers you’re suppose to meet and quickly bowed, apologizing to the blonde stranger infront of you. “Ah I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to be rude! Hi, I’m Y/n! Nice to meet you!” Saying that you sat down on the seat where your order was - next to Hobi and opposite of the new kid. “It’s okay don’t worry I don’t blame you. I’m Jimin by the way. Park Jimin.” He spoke with a bit of formality. Like this was an official meeting discussing science or important business. You ignored it, so you flashed him a warm smile. “So where did you come from Jimin?” You were genuinely curious about him. Others came from other Korean schools but the word in the college hallways had it that he didn’t come from Korea at all. “Oh my birthtown is Busan, but my parents are forced to travel around the world, staying at one town for around 3 months, before moving to the next because of their job, and I have no choice but to follow, so my last pit-stop was China.” Your brain needed a moment to connect his rushed and already memorized answer, so after the hamster in your head started running appropriately you let out a eureka-like ‘oooh!’ “Sounds lame to be honest. Yeah you get to see lots of stuff travelling but not while trying to maintain a stable education.” You took a sip after stating your opinion, praying for an energy boost from it alone. “Don’t worry about that Y/n! He told me he had A’s in maths classes in China, so it probably wasn’t much of a bother! Plus he now has advanced math, so that again shouldn’t be a problem for our Jiminie here too!” Hoseok butted in in the conversation praising the kid. He just offered him a shy smile, blushing a bit before taking a sip too. Meanwhile you just choked on your drink, hearing the last sentence. “Advanced math! Here!? I hope you will survive Ms. Choi’s classes, I heard she’s really strict. No cheating in any way and such.” Jimin just shrugged like it was no big deal and what he said next was something that would never come out of your mouth, talking about math anyways. “Eh, I don’t need to cheat my way to get an A… Math is my forté besides dancing anyways.” You eyes probably couldn’t be opened wider after that. It was like he was an alien. Or a miracle kid. Naahhh… definitely an alien. “Hobi he’s not human I’m scared.” Both guys just laughed at your expression and tone, leaving you confused more than ever. Hoseok was laughing loud enough for people to look at him as if he’s lost it and Jimin to just fling his body around, laughing silently. The boys calmed down and Hobi wiped away an invisible tear, mumbling to himself about aliens and stuff, but you just rolled your eyes and glared at him a bit. “So Y/n how long have you been dancing for?” Jimin asked a normal question you usually get asked. But it still threw you back to when you found your first love. “When I was 3 years old actually. I started at kids ballet but just frailing and bouncing around like that wasn’t that fun for me, so at 6 I took my first hip-hop class and loved how challenging it could get.” Jimin returned you a slightly questioning look. “It got challenging at the age of 6 already? What studio were you at? 'Give a professional choreography to a six year-old’?” It was an innocent joke that was hilarious to you. Even you don’t know how but his voice laced with sarcasm was just so funny. And to him your laugh slowly got lethal. “Oh no not that. My studio was really nice. I actually showed up at intermediate on accident that day but it went well in the end.” Jimin just gazed at you. At this point the conversation was running fluently and it was the same as if Hoseok wasn’t even there. Except that he was. “Oh yeah, you told me about that day. Everyone praised her to accept the challenge of a class, way leveled up for a kid at 6. And even praised her talent at the end of it.” If you looked at him at that moment, you knew he’d look like a proud dad watching his child win a big grand competition. That’s why you didn’t so you just hid your burning cheeks in your palms. “Aghh… stop I wasn’t that good then.” Jimin looked a bit impressed at it and the admiration he already had for you grew even more. “But you grew into what you are today.”

The more all of you talked, the more you got along with Jimin. You clicked. Even if it wasn’t on a really good trusting relationship, you became acquaintances. He was a cute and interesting person. But still reserved. If Hoseok and you got a bit touchy or cracked your inside jokes Jimin pulled on a frown for a bit. He got different vibes from the two of you. But he didn’t say anything. He just let you be. He’d just met you anyways. During class it was Hobi that asked you what you think of Jimin. And you just answered honestly. “I wish I could say for sure. But he seems like a cool kid.” He’s still younger than you anyways. “At least he’ll have 2 friends in advanced now that we both know he’s a good kid.” Hoseok smiled back at you and went back to paying attention. Advanced. So he will come huh.

Social media au (4/?)

YouTube dancer/college student!OC dancer!Hoseok - the rest of the characters coming soon!

Y/n is a hip-hop major with her childhood best friend Hoseok in the same college. People transfer to the school with a lot of other art majors: contemporary dance, music, drawing & painting and many more.

So how hard can it be to be a YouTube dancer?

PREVIOUS - NEXT

Words: 1,321

OOOOKAAAY!! Being in Spain was all fun and all but finally updating is a true relief. Other than my friend no one has ever read my works (let’s leave wattpad out of this. it was a crisis of the century). If anyone asks I am shook from teh BTS LOVE YOURSELF TEAR SINGULARITY video (the danccers are dope and I have an unpopular opinion on taes dancing but won’t say it cause I know others would def hate me ;))) and WRECKED (im looking at you mr. park jimin your lane is somewhere else) from the concept photos. taes piercing is just a sin.

also i am lonely my friends pls come talk to me ;((

edit (cuz I’m always in rush even when not needed): i dyed my hair entirely blonde 2 days ago and everyone was shook lol

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