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bard-llama · 3 years

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I apologize for using "being needlessly mean to people (specifically, you) on the internet" as a means of venting, but I'm still gonna do it anyway

Fuck it fam, I’ll jump off anon since you called me out on it. At least now I can write a proper response since I’m not trying to cram my wording into an ask’s character limit. Maybe now I can focus more on my actual points instead of spending 75% of the space reaching my post-ly Asshole Quota™

Also, there’s a TL;DR one paragraph from the bottom, in case you’d like to be Spared My Bullshit™ without skipping it entirely.

Anyways, responses to numbers:

1: Who chose it then lol, given that this exchange stemmed from a post about chosen names. You say you’ve “professionally been Llama for over a decade”, so it obviously isn’t your birth name. And if you say “X person suggested it to me”, then -you chose- to use that suggestion.

2: Fine, let me be more clear: “Obligation to respect someone’s name” only goes as far as recognizing it as their name. I’ll gladly call you Llama if that’s what you say your name is, but I’ll still say Llama was a hella dumb name choice given that the animal the word refers to is most well known for having ugly teeth & spitting on people. (And you can’t even say ‘akshually, there’s another, better-as-a-name meaning of the word and that’s how I chose it’, given your profile pic). Criticism, however harsh or mean-spirited, isn’t disrespect. You wouldn’t say “you can’t call out right-wing Christians on their homophobia because that’d disrespect their religious beliefs!”, y'know?

Also lol, as someone whose own non-English name constantly gets mispronounced by rightey-whitey Americans, I can tell you that I actually take language & culture of origin into account for this stuff. Like as an example, “Daiben” would both be easy to pronounce and not read as “silly-sounding” to an English-only speaker, but it’d be a -fuckawful- name for a Japanese person given that it literally means “shit” in that language. In turn, I’m sure there’s some language out there where “Poopoo” translates to “full of energy” or something similarly nice, meaning even though it’d sound ridiculous at first to someone who only speaks English, it’d be a perfectly fine name for someone who grew up in that language’s culture.

I only make fun of people who pick existing words whose meanings make for utterly terrible names for a person, or people like Elon Musk who name themselves/their kid a literal keysmash. People who make fun of “foreign-sounding” names just cuz said names sound silly to them are assholes in the “irredeemably bad” way, not the “tough love” way.

3: So I guess by your view, it’s inherently wrong to call Nazis absolute pieces of filth who’d be better off dead if they can’t be re-educated, because in doing so we’d be being an asshole to said diehard Nazis?

Also lol, I -absolutely- have a right to decide what being an idiot means to me. I’m allowed to have opinions, lol. And while I may not be -obligated- to try to stop what I perceive as idiocy, it’s certainly within my personal autonomy to decide to try anyway for whatever underlying reason I want.

And yeah, my whole point was that just because they aren’t openly being a dick to you about it doesn’t mean they don’t privately think it’s a dumb name lol. Unlike those potentially-dishonest people, if I think someone is doing something dumb I’m not gonna hold back saying so just for the sake of their feefees.

TL:DR Obligated respect only goes as far as recognition, criticism isn’t disrespect even if said criticism is snide/assholey/etc. I can recognize & respect that your name is Llama while still saying “but seriously dude that was a -terrible- choice”. Also, remember that on this site we’ve pretty much collectively agreed that rather than respond to their calls of “calmly debate me!”, it’s better to insult & punch & generally be assholes to Nazis to get them to stop their bullshit. You’d be foolish to try to label that as “inherently wrong” action to take.

Also PS: As for the “Why this”, it’s because very nearly all of my time is “free time” nowadays, so I no longer have any sense of task priority. Something grabbing my attention enough to inspire my own response (such as the initial post chain on this topic) is liable to cause me to remain engaged with it longer than most folks would, simply because I literally have nothing better to do. Granted, there’s a lot of fucked up shit underpinning how I got to that point, but I’m not gonna send you a TMI wall-of-text explaining the psychology & trauma that goes into someone becoming my sort of internet troll, at least not unless you go “no fam actually I’m -really- curious as to how someone gets that fucked in the head.”

Wow, this is a ride, buddy. You’re a self-admitted asshole, so I don’t imagine that my response will do much but WOW.

1) Not that it’s any of your business, but the name Llama was given to me.

2) You literally admit that you make fun of people for their name. What the fuck is wrong with you??? You’re a fucking bully and you sound proud of it.

“Criticism, however harsh or mean-spirited, isn’t disrespect.” Yes it is???? First off, there’s no criticism here. Criticism is intended to help someone improve, especially in skills. My fucking name isn’t something you can criticize. What you’re doing is just straight up being a dick and yeah, extremely disrespectful.

“Also lol, as someone whose own non-English name constantly gets mispronounced by rightey-whitey Americans, I can tell you that I actually take language & culture of origin into account for this stuff.” So what you’re saying is you’ll respect people whose names you view as “valid”, but no one else. Which boils down to the same thing - you’re a fucking dick. You don’t get to decide whose name is valid and whose isn’t. You don’t get to decide that a name is only “good” when it comes from one language vs another. It’s literally not your fucking business where people’s names come from???

What’s funny to me is that people have no problem using “silly nicknames” on the internet, but as soon as it’s applied to reality, suddenly it’s untenable? Guess what? Some people actually go outside and experience reality and when it comes down to it? They don’t fucking care how “silly” your name is, they’ll just use it because it’s your fucking name.

Like, I really don’t know how to emphasize this more: making fun of someone’s name FOR ANY REASON makes you a bully and an asshole. Period.

“People who make fun of “foreign-sounding” names just cuz said names sound silly to them are assholes in the “irredeemably bad” way, not the “tough love” way.” There is no difference here. Literally, both categories of asshole are bullies and are out of line. Additionally, I don’t fucking know you and you have no right to apply your ‘tough love’ bullying.

3) “So I guess by your view, it’s inherently wrong to call Nazis absolute pieces of filth who’d be better off dead if they can’t be re-educated, because in doing so we’d be being an asshole to said diehard Nazis?” Where the fuck did you even get this take from?? What I said is that everyone deserves to have their name respected. Period. How you bring that to nazis says more about YOUR views than mine. But for the record: deciding that some people “deserve” to have their names made fun of makes you no better. One hopes that you aren’t advocating for the elimination of marginalized groups, but frankly, your views are the first step towards that. When you decide that there is a group for whom it’s “acceptable” to bully and make fun of, you are taking a first step towards what is called eugenics when it’s systemic. Fortunately, I imagine you have no power to make things systemic, considering you get your jollies harassing people on the internet.

“And while I may not be -obligated- to try to stop what I perceive as idiocy, it’s certainly within my personal autonomy to decide to try anyway for whatever underlying reason I want.” No??? Like, what the fuck??? You perceive my name as idiocy and therefore try to... what? Make me ashamed of it? Make me hate myself? Exactly what gives you the fucking right? You have a right to personal autonomy, sure. That also means that you have to face the consequences for that autonomy. And here are the consequences for this: you bullying people over their names makes you a fucking jackass. It doesn’t matter where the line you say is “acceptable” for a name is - you’ve arbitrarily decided that YOUR autonomy is more important than theirs.

“Unlike those potentially-dishonest people, if I think someone is doing something dumb I’m not gonna hold back saying so just for the sake of their feefees.” Once again, this is called being a dick. Period. First off, you have no idea what the people in my life think about my name. Secondly, there’s this little thing called courtesy wherein you aren’t a fucking asshole to people. Sounds basic, I know, but apparently this is beyond you.

Literally, what someone calls themselves isn’t your fucking business. Your obligation is to use someone’s name as they present it and THAT’S IT! You don’t follow it up with “hey, by the way, your name is stupid”. Why the fuck would you do that? It’s not about “feefees” it’s about being a respectable member of a community. Because guess what? When all you do is insult other people, you find yourself ostracized from the community and on your own when you need help.

But what would I know? I’m just a “stupid” Llama.

Also? Get a fucking life. It takes 0 effort to just keep scrolling rather than reach out an insulting people for no fucking reason. I never asked for your opinion and frankly, I don’t care what you think.

tl;dr: You’re an admitted asshole who bullies people who you decide do not deserve respect based purely on their name. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Existing in society, in a community, means having basic respect and care for others - and means NOT bullying people over shit. Like, literally, just keep your thoughts to yourself??? It’s not that fucking hard???

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transformersimagines · 4 years

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Hey can I get a matchup for G1 or IDW? I have a passion for anything and everything space and scifi. I generally prefer spendig time with my cat than spending it around people. musicals are some of my favorite forms of media annd I tend to doodle my surroundings quite often. I've always been the friend that's there to listen, but I take no crap from anyone.

I Match You With…

Mirage (G1)

First, just to clear the air, Mirage was an aristocrat on Cybertron and was forced to choose a side and is a known Decepticon symbolizer (you can look at the wiki to fact check me). Because of his history and dislike of the war he is a little bit of an ass and blunt because he still thinks he above people.

This is my own personal characterization of Mirage from what I have seen and read.

You both first connected on your passion for space and sci-fi. After a weekly movie night on the Ark, the movie that night was Star Trek. After the movie, you and a few bots (including Mirage) stayed after to discuss the reality of space travel and critic the film.

You loved being able to learn more about space while also answering any questions of ‘why do those characters make those decisions’ (The Alien movie was a fun night). Mirage saw your interest and enjoys answering any questions you have (if only to appear smarter), and you’ve surprised him with some of the prior knowledge you had and your deeper understanding.

The next connection was through your art/doodles. He was sneaking around and found you doodling and just watched you finish it up. He admires your talent and right then and there decided you ‘might be worth his time’ (like I said, he’s a little bit of an ass, but it's more of a façade and protection).

You enjoy Mirages company when he’s not being an ass (which you tell him straight-up when he is being rude and tell him to stop or else). He is usually pretty quiet and doesn’t talk too much, that is unless you start a conversation about him. He loves to talk about himself.

Through his many stories, you came to understand why Mirage was a little bit of an assholey and blunt tendency and are patent with him and give him crap when he goes too far.

You’re working towards getting him into musicals, and it's not as easy at it would seem. Surprisingly he enjoyed the musical Six and Waitress so your hopes aren’t completely dashed on getting him into them all!

Mirage loves your cat. Imagine him as that dad who said he doesn’t want or like the pet but is the one who loves them the most.

#matchup #transformers #g1 #Mirage #match up

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heartofsnark · 5 years

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MC Comes Out As A Trans Man (KBTBB Headcanons)

Notes: I am a cis person, so while I can educate and ask questions, I will never fully understand the full scope or experience of being trans. This was a request by one of my friends when i was outsourcing the big bunch of Ko-Fi donations that came with no request. I tried hard to do this appropriately, but if I’ve written anything transphobic, hurtful, or just gotten something wrong, please let me know, so I can correct it.

Eisuke’s MC would be among the most scared to come out as a trans man. Not because he necessarily thinks Eisuke wouldn’t accept him, but because of Eisuke’s status. Eisuke may do a lot of business internationally, but his work is primarily based in Japan, a more conservative country. What is MC being a trans-man means people won’t want to work with Eisuke, what if it ruins the reputation of the Tres Spades and Ichinomiya group. There are a lot of fears and anxieties that go along with this. When MC can’t take it another day and finally comes out to Eisuke, he doesn’t say anything, only listens. He lets MC word vomit it all out, explaining how long he’s struggled with this, how scared he’s been, but every time he’s called a she or something triggers dysphoria for him, he wants to die and he can’t do it anymore. Once MC is done getting it all out of their system, Eisuke tells them no matter their gender, MC belongs to him. Which is his not so romantic way of saying he’ll love MC no matter what. Anyone who doesn’t want to work with him because of MC isn’t someone he wants to work with and anyone who’d go out of their way to harass MC, will wish they were dead by the time Eisuke is done.

Something important to Eisuke is never making the same mistake twice; it just takes one correction of pronouns for Eisuke to never use the wrong pronouns again.

Eisuke is beyond supportive with MC’s transition, his number one love language is spending money and transitioning to any degree is expensive. Whatever MC wants or needs to help the process is done. If MC wants binders, top of the line best money can buy and Eisuke always messages/calls to remind him when it needs to be taken off for safety reasons. If MC isn’t comfortable wearing dresses or skirts anymore, immediately given a male uniform for the hotel and all those event dresses will be replaced with perfectly tailored suits. If MC wants to start hormone therapy, he’s getting the best doctor on it to administer and keep eye on the treatment. If MC decides they want surgery, Eisuke is doing research into everything that’s needed and where to get the best surgeon. Eisuke will even goes through the trouble of letting MC go through another country for the surgery whichever one has the better process that MC likes. Japan requires sterilization for transitioning, which Eisuke doesn’t like at all, personally. If MC is comfortable with it, he’d still like to have children the conventional way. But, if MC would rather have the surgery in Japan or just wouldn’t want to be pregnant in general, he’ll start looking into surrogates or adoption.

Soryu isn’t as well-versed in LGBT+ issues or identities, but his reaction to MC telling him he’s actually a man is that, yeah, that makes sense. There are two reasons for this reaction, first one is, MC has made small efforts to dispel dysphoria even before he felt comfortable coming out as a trans guy, meaning MC wasn’t ever the most traditionally feminine of women, and the way MC seem very uncomfortable to insane degrees when expected to do things that would trigger dysphoria for them. It was always clear that this went beyond MC being a tomboy.

The second reason is, Soryu has never been the biggest fan of women. He’s gotten better than his initial sexism, but due to his childhood experience, women have always made him uncomfortable. He even questioned his sexuality for a while when he was younger, if he was this hateful and uncomfortable with women, it would make sense he probably doesn’t find them sexually attractive. Then he met MC and thought it was a case of just needing to meet the right woman, but it makes sense that well, MC just wasn’t a woman. A part of him wonders if somehow he knew before he realized he knew, if that makes sense.

He’s less skilled at changing pronouns and adapting, he’ll make more than one of two mistakes. But, he’s always quick to apologize, try not to do it again, and the guilt on his face is evident. He’ll be supportive in whatever kind of transitioning MC may want to do. Soryu wants to learn more and be the best partner he can be to MC. The mafia itself has some toxic and gross ideas, the ice dragons themselves accept MC readily. Inui might get a little clumsy but he means well, the first time he accidentally calls MC princess, he freaks out realizing his mistake and some say he’s still apologizing to this very day.

One night before bed, MC catches that Soryu’s usual mystery novel has been replaced with a book about what it’s like to be trans, so he can better understand. MC is beyond moved and gives his boyfriend extra loving that night.

There will be other mafia groups and enemies who will see this as something to take advantage of. They’ll purposely insult or trigger MC, weaponize it against Soryu. But, rest assured, the Ice Dragons will make sure those people regret it.

Baba’s MC has nothing to worry about, ‘cause fuck Baba is just perfect, let’s be honest. Honestly, Baba probably knew to a degree, like he suspected it and was just waiting for MC to tell him. If anyone was paying attention, after a while Baba’s nicknames became more and more gender neutral. MC tells him and he’s accepts easily, MC means everything to him and he’d never throw them away for something like this. Besides, Baba is definitely like pansexual or bisexual, so the gender of his partner has and always be irrelevant to him, all he cares about is the emotional aspect.

He’s loving and supportive through any kind of transitioning, reminds them when they need to take off their binder, takes care of them if hormones ever make them sick, or when/if they have surgery. He’s finding the male equivalent to every feminine nickname he ever gave, he realizes calling MC god instead of goddess sounds vaguely cultish, so if MC wants he’ll turn that into angel, but maybe they’re into the cult thing. He’s more than willing to worship them after all.

Hey, this famous person said something transphobic, now their house has been robbed and all the money has been given to foundations/charities that help trans people. How crazy, how could that have happened!?

Would a hundred percent kiss and smooch all over MC’s top scars if they got surgery, making sure he knows Baba loves his body no matter what.

If they don’t cause dysphoria Baba would 100 percent still want MC to wear those sexy costumes, but if he’s not comfortable, Baba can always wear them.

Honestly, Baba would just have the least issues adapting there’s not a lot to say. The biggest fuck up I could ever see him making is calling MC his pretty lady accidentally and he’d be like “oH FUCk, SoRRY, MY HANDSOME MAN!”, he’d feel bad but honestly him being awkward and struggling is cute and he’d never do it again.

Moral of the story, date Baba. Just do it.

Ota’s first response, “Does this mean we have to get you neutered?”, as assholey as it is it flusters MC and makes them yell at him for the dog shit, changing the serious tone to a light and teasing one. Male, female, non-binary, MC is still his Koro and his bluebird. Additionally, I feel like in the art world and having lived in New York, Ota has met trans people and in general just sees it more as yeah, sometimes people aren’t cis and he doesn’t really see the big deal. The sky is blue and he now has a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. He might fuck up pronouns a few times, force of habit, but he’ll try not to do it again. He might tease them a bit, saying how the dog is now training the master,

Once it’s made public, Ota is even more protective about paparazzi around MC. He knows how quickly they’ll flock to harass and bother MC about his transitioning. Ota isn’t going to stand by it, not for a second, reminding them of how if they don’t watch it and treat MC with respect, he’ll stop painting.

Ota paints flowers and designs on MC’s top scars when they’re feeling bad about their body. He’ll also paint portraits of them in general, MC can visit Ota’s studio and see his transition in painting form. Portraits from early on to the current ones, showing every little change MC’s made, like a beautiful documentation of his growth.

Mamoru it’s gonna be a slower process for him to get it.He ultimately decides, meh, MC is MC, he loves ‘em no matter what. His reaction is pretty calm and borderline a non-reaction.

He’s gonna mess up with pronouns for a while at first, it’s not that he doesn’t care or doesn’t want to make the effort, he’s just a creature of habit and change is a little hard. When he’s corrected, he murmurs “shit sorry” and makes sure not to not slip for as long as he can.

Mamoru gets a little more protective as MC transitions, he’s a cop and he’s seen too many hate crimes not to feel that extra need to keep him safe.

Mamoru finally taps into that money he gets from auctions when MC wants things to transition or surgery. He usually doesn’t bother to touch it, cause he personally doesn’t need for much, but he’d spend it all to make his boyfriend happy and comfortable.

Before MC started transitioning he would casually grab and play with their chest, following surgery when they lounge together he’ll casually run his thumb over his boyfriend’s top scars.

“No matter what, you’re still just a kid.”

Rhion, bless his heart, doesn’t know what the fuck is going on. He was sheltered to an extent before he became the Hatter. I’m not fully convinced he knows what being trans means. Telling him is a bit like telling a child to an extent, he’s open and accepting but might not realize the full gravity of it.

When MC comes out and explains it, he’s immediately accepting. MC means the absolute world to him, no matter what. MC has always represented to him, someone who would accept him no matter what, he intends to do the same.

He may falter with pronouns a few time, just ‘cause he can be a little absent minded, but he’s quick to correct himself. He may even pout as he apologizes ‘cause he’s mad at himself.

The biggest concern and issue he may have is whether he can continue calling MC Alice. While, as their relationship has grown he’s stepped away from it more and more, it’s become a sort of pet name. Rhion knows Alice is a girl character and he knows he knows being treated at all like a woman makes MC feel bad, (he doesn’t grasp the full gravity of dysphoria but he damn well understands it hurts MC and he doesn’t want his boyfriend to ever be hurt). It would make

Rhion explains that while he knows Alice is a female character and it’s a female coded name, Alice to him has always represented more of a concept. The concept and idea of someone he was always waiting for, someone who’d love him and be with him no matter what, who wouldn’t shun him. To him, it transcends gender, but as much as he’s attached to it, he’ll stop if it hurts MC. ‘Cause at the end of the day they’re more important than a nickname.

Additionally, Rhion is mesmerized by hormone therapy and/or surgery. Like, seeing how much MC’s body changes, he considers it like magic and always have some cheesy pseudo poetic metaphor. It’s so cool and he goes starry eyed over everything. MC’s voice is getting deeper? What!? That’s amazing, every octave change is like a beautiful melody! MC’s getting more body hair, body changing, it’s a slow beautiful metamorphosis, like watching someone evolve before his very eyes. MC’s gotten surgery, it’s like a butterfly finally emerging from its cocoon, fully shifted and changed for the better.

Luke is another one with a non-reaction kind of reaction. MC has to wonder if he even heard him or if he was too preoccupied with his medical book. That is until MC comes back from work and Luke pipes up, “so, do you plan on doing hormone therapy? There’s a very good hospital I know of that provides that treatment. Or I can do it, if you’d prefer.”

Luke does what he does best, medical research. He can’t help much on the social and emotional side of things, he fully supports them and loves them, but he’s not always the best person to go to when you’re having a bad day. Like all cis-people he can’t ever fully grasp dysphoria, but he wants to help the best way he knows how.

He’s scattered brain, but he always knows when to remind MC to take off their binder. It’s like his tea time, never forgot tea time or binder removal time.

He’d very much like to be a part of the hormone treatment managing; he’d probably offer to do any kind of surgery MC wants, as creepy as that might sound. The reason for this is A) he trusts himself more than a random doctor and B) it helps make him feel like he’s a part of it and supporting MC. The only problem is, well, if something goes wrong, he’d never forgive himself. Though if another doctor fucked something up, he’d probably kill them, soooo.

Sexy bones is a gender neutral nickname, so it stays and he’s surprisingly good with not slipping on pronouns. He researches if top surgery or hormones can mess with collarbones, just to give himself some peace of mind.

Shuichi’s MC would be scared to tell him because A) he’s an ambassador and political figure and B) he’s a catholic. Religion and Politics don’t always go well with LGBT+ matters.

Shuichi isn’t transphobic or homophobic, but he’s never thought about much in terms of how those matters affect his life. He’s realistic and pragmatic, he knows not everyone is going to accept MC or their relationship. He knows MC being trans could damage his political career, because as much as the world is moving forward this is still taboo to a lot of people. He knows he may not be allowed back at the church he attends.

But MC is more important than any of that.

He’s very careful and conscious of his pronouns, doing everything he can not to misgender MC. If he makes a mistake, he apologizes and learns from it, it’s fundamental. He’ll get books and material to educate himself on what he doesn’t understand. Learning and growing is something he’s always found crucial, this is the time for that.

He’d strive to use his political power and pull in order to make difference, like pulling for laws in order to help and protect transgender people. While, he was always in support of those things it’s closer to his heart now that it impacts MC.

If he has any question of faith with it, he comes to the ultimate conclusion that God made MC who he is, so he must love MC and if anyone says otherwise they can bite him. If the people at the church make MC uncomfortable, they’ll find a new church.

Hikaru (he’s officially the only one I haven’t read yet, so fuck me if this is ooc), he’s a bit confused at first, just as a whole. Gender and sexuality stuff isn’t something he regularly thinks about. He’s kinda like o..kay, that’s a thing now.

In his very tsundere way of expressing love, “boy or girl, you’re still a dummy”

He’ll have a slow switch with pronouns, lots of mistakes early on, he’s fumbling and apologetic, he sounds grumbly and pouting when he does it. But he means well.

If a guest at the hotel says anything to MC, he’s grabbing their arm a bit too tight and he’s doing his work smile but there’s murder in his eyes.

Transphobes get their computers hacked, suck it assholes.

He’s even easy to tease during some of this.

“Hey, Hikaru, are you gonna miss my boobs?” “SHUT UP DUMMY!”

“You wanna say good bye to them?”

And then Hikaru throws a pillow at him, while his face is tomato red.

~Did you like this set of headcanons? Wanna request something similar? Just wanna support me? Consider buying me a Ko-Fi!~

#kissed by the baddest bidder #kbtbb #eisuke ichinomiya #Soryu Oh #Mitsunari Baba #Ota Kisaki #mamoru kishi #rhion hatter #Luke Foster #shuichi hishikura #hikaru aihara #maybe i'm too optimistic but i like to believe that their love for mc transcends gender

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mcveriicks · 5 years

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have you seen [ MAVERICK ST. JAMES ] since the storm? some say they look like [ HERMAN TOMMERAAS ] but they’re [ TWENTY-TWO ] & go by [ THE PARADOX ]. [ HE ] lived in halloway for [ THREE YEARS ] & they are originally from [ WASHINGTON, D.C. ]. before the town vanished they were studying [ PHILOSOPHY ] and lived at [ UNI BLVD ]. most people knew the [ CISMALE ] as [ +CLEVER ] but i’ve heard they can also be [ -APATHETIC ]. for some reason, they feel [ UNEASY ] about the town’s disappearance. ( riley, 20, she/her, est )

hello !!! my name is riley and i’m ????? so so extremely very much excited to get the ball rollin, down n dirty, into this rp !! i’m a sucker for angst and sadness, so … expect MUCH of that w me !! mav is a new muse of mine but i’m SUPER excited to get to dev him with all of you guys !! below the cut is a … long-ass intro post bc i have no chill !! if, per chance, you’d like to plot w me and my know-it-all, assholey but suprisingly soft child, please feel free to GIVE THIS POST A LIKE or to DM ME ( either tumblr or discord i check both, i promise i don’t bite ) !!!

tw: drugs.

* / BACKGROUND.

maverick hobbes st. james was born into a life filled to the absolute brim of expectation. his mother and father met at halloway’s law school, and both went on to become highly respectable lawyers who dealt with constitutional law in washington d.c.; they work highly demanding jobs, which often left maverick, who is an only child, alone at their impressively decorated family townhouse, staring at family photos and wondering how his definition of family had become so different to his friends’ growing up.

growing up in middle and high school, maverick assumed that getting good grades and excelling at school would make his parents proud, would get them to turn their attention to his successes –– but surprise, surprise, they didn’t. they’d pat him on the back as they headed out the door to tend to their daily schedules –– that is, if he was lucky enough to see them in the morning.

he studied. hard. trying to understand the ins and outs of what his parents did, trying to see if following in their footsteps by studying law would warrant a smile or beam of pride. it didn’t. but it still got him an acceptance to his parents’ alma mater, halloway university. he made friends quickly –– he always did. always the charismatic friend, he’s learned to rely more on his friends than his family in his life.

when maverick was a senior in high school, he finally reached an age to realize some of the shady deals his parents would make on the regular, the random bonuses his parents whispered about finally making sense to him. one case in particular had apparently caused one of his classmates’ parents to be publicly humiliated for a scandal and an incident that was apparently unrelated to their careers –– but ruined them in the process.

he felt guilt, himself, knowing that his parents could be making deals like that every day. it made him shake his head, made him cry into his pillow, made him absolutely disgusted to call people like his mother and father his own parents. he wrote so many fucking speeches that he’d recite to them once he got the chance, berating them for their practices and lack of morals in their workplace. but they never came home –– and hypocritical as he was, he still enjoyed the fruits of his parents’ work. they gave him unlimited checks with his name on them, as if it was some sort of sick version of love.

while maverick was fulfilling some of his general requirements, he fell in love with philosophy, with questioning life and ethical choices that mankind has made in the past, and would make in the future. he ended up pivoting his studies, moving from pre-law to philosophy at the end of his freshman year of his undergraduate studies.

and of course –– with this twist in the system, maverick is about to make this world his playground, living in his very own simulation of how a fresh new world reacts to infinite freedoms. he’s partially excited to see what will unfold, partially scared that things will fall to absolute shit ( ever the pessimist, maverick st. james ! ) because he has little faith that his company will collectively make the right decisions.

* / PERSONALITY.

maverick st. james is quite the paradox ( hence, the label ! ). he’s charismatic, funny, and has a witty sense of humor –– and is generally appreciated by his peers because he’s able to move conversation and discussion without making topics seem dry. and generally, he’s only like this in classes that he’s passionate about –– otherwise, you’d see him in the very back corner, doodling amongst his haphazardly written notes. what’s funny is he used to always be like this –– happy, smiley, obviously intelligent and driven. but it all sort of changed when he had this big epiphany that some people aren’t what they seem like on the outside ( re: his parents ).

he’s certainly a bit arrogant, given that he’s intelligent, innovative, and clever, and knows it –– however, even if he might not show it on the outside, he appreciates a good challenger. he thinks it keeps his wit sharp, and of course, his ego would never show it, but he does appreciate learning from people. after all, his passion in philosophy makes him certainly interested in how minds work.

at social events, you can probably see him flirting his ass off, but always having a good time, too. he’s definitely the type to sleep around, but he likes to pick at people’s brains, too. probably the most deep-ass pillow-talker halloway has ever seen. it probably borders on the line of being too romantic with flings –– the way he asks questions, but also borders on being annoying.

those who happen to get to know maverick outside of the surface-level stuff, outside the initial cockiness and flirtatious front he puts on will know that he’s actually quite thoughtful. his lonely childhood has made him extremely loyal to those who have shown him similar trust and friendship –– he would never turn his back on them. he asks probing questions, is a good listener –– perhaps because he’s interested in human decision making, but is also because he doesn’t quite know what it’s like to be loved unconditionally –– though he wants to. he’ll hold back hair and rub a friend’s back while they yak, walk his friends home, maybe throw a few punches or two –– but spicy comebacks are really more his speed.

deep down, what almost no one knows is that he’s really quite soft. he passes his curiosity off as wanting to understand people, when really it’s a mechanism for hoping someone asks him questions in return, to give him the time of day he wished his parents had given him.

* / AESTHETICS.

coffee-stained mugs, walking with headphones in, untied shoelaces, black hoodies, a cheeky smirk, small books in his back pocket, writing in the margins, quoting old authors on a daily basis, incessant eye-rolling, pen ink stains, unmade bed, mismatched socks, floral ties, empty bottles of liquor, rose thorn pricks, old worn poetry books, polished dress shoes, calloused fingers, unlit cigarettes between teeth.

* / HEADCANONS.

funnily enough, maverick’s name means ‘independent, a noncomformist’, which is exactly the path that he has taken to stray away from his family’s expectations of practicing law, specifically constitutional law as a career. he’s like. nah. fuck that.

maverick has some form of synesthesia, which allows him to remember a lot more than the average person. he associates colors, smells, sounds, to words –– and allows him to efficiently study any subjects he doesn’t have immediate passion for.

in the privacy of his own bedroom, he sometimes writes poetry and sketches his thoughts and muses –– when he knows he’s in complete privacy. faces and features that appear in his sketchbooks are often those he’s thinking of often, those who intrigue him. he’s actually quite good a sketching, maybe not quite as good at writing poetry.

tw drugs. he more than dabbles in drug use, smoking marijuana maybe every other day, while partaking in harder drugs like cocaine and adderall and others probably once a week. he feels like he’s in control of his use, but it may start to get the best of him. end tw.

maverick is left-handed. he hates that he gets pen ink stains when he draws, writes poetry, takes notes. his left palm is probably perennially covered with ink.

though he’s often wearing headphones ( airpods, of course, the nerve of this rich kid ), half the time, nothing’s playing. sometimes he forgets to press play on his phone, sometimes he purposely likes listening to decision-making and conversations of strangers. it lets him think about the nature of mankind.

maverick’s favorite philosopher is albert camus, known for his work that heavily developed the idea of absurdism ( much to do with the meaning of life, and human inability to discern an answer ).

* / WANTED PLOTS.

CHECK OUT MY WANTED PLOTS PAGE HERE !

childhood friends: again, someone who would have known him from pre-cynical, arrogant asshole days. they could be friends now still,

ex-friends: perhaps maverick went a bit too far with the questions, about trying to probe into someone’s mind. maybe for this reason, or for others, these two fell out of touch / argued and might be forced into new places due to the disappearance of the other townspeople.

unlikely friends: maverick’s reputation isn’t exactly favorable to some crowds. maybe they became friends in one of their shared classes or through mutual friends, and actually get along well, despite coming from different backgrounds / having different values. they probably see a bit of a deeper side to mav than most people !!

good influence (?!): maverick gets into his shit, has probably a less-than-favorable reputation, but he still cares about people, deep deep down. maybe your muse is a bit lost, and maverick is worried about them and wants to help them get back on track –– especially with all the changes happening in the society !! we can plot lil details about this, esp bc it’s a v unique side of mav i’d love to explore !! ( insp: x, x, x )

bad influences: those who partake in the sins that maverick just loves to lap up. they feed off of each others’ energy, often encouraging more drinking, more drugs, more sex. it’s a bit of a never-ending circle, but one that maverick keeps coming back to, for some reason. ( insp: x )

frenemies: this could be some sort of intellectual challenger kind of deal ? someone mav actually appreciates having in his life, though they butt heads a lot maybe for some reason !! ( insp: x )

disliked: they probably find maverick’s personality appalling or annoying, they probably find him pretentious af and super hypocritical for preaching so much about morals, when he drinks and uses drugs and just fucks around half the time. they could call him out for his flaws, or we could go down a completely different route of them having some weird history of mutual plots ??? so so much room for possibility here !!

+ have a couple more in my wanted plots tag here ! but literally, as a self-proclaimed angst and plot ho, please hmu with any and all ideas you might have !! i can’t wait to get started w all of u !!!

#tw drugs #hallowayintros #hallowaypoints

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shitplanetblog · 5 years

Text

Where’s Taylor Swift?

Fuck Taylor Swift! Where’s Greg?!?! What did they do with Greg!!?!?!? Eeeekkkkk!!!

Remember my cynical post about a stupid development in an old cannery in Sebastopol? It was flooded out two months ago. And now some of the tenants, the restaurants and boutiques who are paying premium rents, are bailing out. Because they aren’t allowed to use the buildings they are paying massive rents on. Boo hoo hoo.

Need more proof that Instagram makes shitheads shittier? Read this item about “selfie deaths”. Ask the people of Lake Elsinore. Look at the cartoons of the now-infamous Cal Kearns. Or laugh at Stevewilldoit, yet another Shoenice imitator who will eat and drink anything for upvotes.

Insane Artist Corner: And let’s not forget Tumblr, which despite a mass exodus thanks to heavy censorship, still hosts some complete wackos. Like Vince Lynen.

The only thing funnier than Amtrak is a Gizmodo blogger whining about Amtrak. Jason, please stick to the weird cars.

The Outline is one of those group blogs that is so smug and assholey that it’s not funny even when it’s trying to be funny. Consider their call for an anonymous Twitter idiot to receive a Nobel Prize. People took it seriously.....

Why don’t I work in Glorious Corporate America? How about this? Mighty Empire in decline, sucker.

Remember WorldNetDaily and Joe Farah? Yeah, neither do I.

Even less reported was the news that the gigantic Sprint Corporation might be headed for bankruptcy court. Repent, fool, and get rid of your Sprint phone.

Fuck you, Miami. Go to Albuquerque and stick diamonds up your ass.

Remember a scheme called Prima Cinema, to allow filthy-rich people to watch current-release movies at home, provided they coughed up $35,000 for the equipment and $500 per title? Prima quietly disappeared in 2016. Whoo hoo. Every attempt to offer “day-and-date” movies to the general public has failed horribly so far. The only real survivor is even more costly than Prima Cinema, and isn’t especially successful. (Meanwhile the actual product continues to be mostly shit. Did you notice the critical reception to the recent Hellboy film? it was not good.)

I’m tempted to put out a whole album made of these damn things. Just to annoy you.

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 6 years

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Notes on SPN 14.02

So! I saw 14.01 yesterday, which was for the most part, surprisingly, a blast, and since I have a bit of free time today I thought I’d keep a hold of the momentum and watch and liveblog 14.02 as well. I’ve heard it’s one of those Buckleming plot-a-paloozas, but I’ll try my best to provide semi-reasonable commentary instead of incoherent ranting.

Right. As always, typing this post up as I watch. SPOILERS for the episode ahead.

1. We start with a recap of last season’s finale, and Show, do you really want to remind us this many times about that wire-fight?

1.25. Show’s lore regarding possession has been dizzyingly inconsistent, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes to me that Nick is alive? Because Nick couldn’t actually house Lucifer for very long in s5—he was deteriorating, which was why Lucifer needed Sam so urgently. The last we saw of Nick, he was dead/dying in a dingy room in Detroit, when Lucifer jumped ship to Sam. Even if Lucifer assumed Nick’s visage in the Cage and afterwards when he was brought back, Nick-the-person with Nick-memories and Nick-feelings isn’t there anymore.

1.255. So what does this mean? Like, if this was explained away sometime over the last two seasons--I’m very sorry, I really wasn’t paying a lot of attention to large chunks of them—please let me know. If there’s no explanation, then has Lucifer disappeared inside a Nick-construct? Did he use a loophole to escape the worst of the Archangel Blade right at the moment Dean plunged it into his side? Lucifer was “human” for a while in s13, iirc. Did he have enough “human” to hide behind and recover? And has he filled that human with the memories/personality of one of the humans he knew best? Is it because he spent centuries assuming Nick’s body in the Cage that he’s most comfortable being him here?

… I don’t know. Maybe I’m missing something obvious, but, hey, it’s fun to speculate.

2. We start off with people artfully tied up in an artfully derelict church illuminated artfully by artful lightning.

… *groans* I hope we aren’t getting a torture scene already.

2.25. Well, Michael’s certainly chirpier than he was last episode.

2.5. Is he trying to make new angel minions, is that it, by feeding them blood and his grace? Leaving aside the lack of creativity in the mechanism, the whole thing kind of makes a weird sense. Michael is looking for those with purity of purpose—among religious leaders (and refugees, apparently), angels, and then finally monsters—and rejecting those ‘poisoned’ by nuance and experience and supposed sin. After all, no being whose wants are even slightly more complex than ‘food’ is going to be a perfect follower.

It also plays into his assholey, self-righteous personality and, well, god-complex.

(Dean would’ve appreciated this quest for pure purpose.)

3. There’s a kind of sitcom-y vibe to this little expository scene: Bobby talks shit about angels only for Castiel to walk in with a quirked eyebrow; the group talks about Jack and Lucifer only for Jack to walk in and go, “hey, you talkin bout my father again?”

(these are the tiny ways I feel SPN is at cross-purposes with its own theme of ‘found family’. Everybody’s obsessed with blood relations, to the point that Lucifer and Jack are constantly referred to as ‘father and son’ when there is no need to bring that relationship up. Last year, even Castiel referred to Jack while talking to Lucifer as ‘your son’ without any prompting from Satan. Words are so powerful, and so revealing.)

3.45. Castiel “as you know, Bob”-ing is hilarious. Oh, Buckleming.

3.5. Um, not to dismiss or compare Castiel’s considerable trauma at the hands of Lucifer, but is anybody going to acknowledge even once that Sam, who appears to have taken the brunt of caring for Nick so far, is also going to have trouble looking into his abuser’s face??

4. Nick continues to make no sense to me.

(I like little touches like Castiel telling him that he needs to remind himself to eat.)

4.5. I kinda like this scene, sue me. It makes sense to me that Nick would obsess over and over again about how he could’ve let himself say yes to Lucifer, although Lucifer is as old as time and had all the power in that situation. The ‘monster’ bit is a little too on-the-nose for me, but I like it. Really drives home what an intimate, horrifying violation possession is and how scarred and twisted it can leave the survivor who spirals down a well of undeserved guilt and self-loathing.

I wish Sam was the one talking to him now, or was at least present. He’d talked in the previous scene about how Nick was only ‘housing’ and deserved a chance to rebuild his life, and that hard-earned generosity of spirit would’ve been a balm to all three of them, I think.

5. ETA on the TOD, Bobby? *sporfle* Seriously though, I love this role-reversal: usually it’s Bobby who’s rolling his eyes at SamnDean’s eff-bee-eye shenanigans.

5.25. Ah, but where this Bobby has become an expert now is in telling the difference between smiting patterns!

5.5. I wonder if trying to appear non-threatening is just Sam’s default whenever he meets with, uh, ‘civilians’.

6. I really, honestly hate that the Bunker just happens to have ‘lore books’ on whatever the hell random question they’re having that day. I just kinda hate the Bunker in general, now that I think about it.

6.25. But doesn’t that ‘human component’ (lol) make a Nephilim strong enough to take down even archangels?

6.5. As pep talks go, that wasn’t bad. A few notes:

a) there’s an earnestness to the words that I’m sure that Castiel learned from Sam.

b) I think this is the first time that Castiel—or anybody—has referred to the events of 8.23 as “The Great Fall”. It’s interesting that it’s already gotten a name among angelkind and that Castiel would call it that, given how close he was to the events that led to it.

c) I want to both laugh and cry at Castiel’s assertion that Sam and Dean were there for him after he lost his grace. He was mostly left to fend for himself, obviously, but there’s no space for that in a pep talk.

d) Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Jack is actually just only a year old. Asking him not to dwell on something so… immediate is a tall ask.

7. Ok, so that was a nice snappy little counterpart to Lucifer-talking-to-Sam-in-the-mirror from the s5 finale. I like how Michael is blunt and matter-of-fact while Lucifer relished in the moment, bragged about how he’d had Sam’s number all his life, and seduced him with violent revenge. This is nice.

I don’t know, guys, I’m really enjoying this episode so far!

8. Sooooo Lucifer is residing in some subconscious layer of Nick’s mind? Is this PTSD shaped by his possession? Is Lucifer bleeding through his own construct? Are we going to find that it was actually Nick who killed his own family? (I think we are.)

8.2. Castiel looking for residual Lucifer in Nick reminds me of when he was doing the same for Sam re: Gadreel, and that reminds me of Dean’s ‘teen mom’ joke from that episode and now I’m pissed off.

8.5. Nick is fascinating, but is he fascinating enough that I care about his little revenge sub-plot? Eh. Jury’s out. Plus I just can’t stand the actor anymore

9. Sam’s just kinda there to move the plot along. Give him some more character moments, episode!

10. Michael reminded me of Dean in the scene with the werewolf. I’m really not getting a capital P personality from Michael, though that may be due to a personal choice. Or maybe because Michael was never a distinct character to begin with, and this is far more noticeable when Ackles plays it and ‘Dean’ threatens to take over any minute.

Or going meta for a second—maybe Michael’s deliberately infusing some Dean into his persona. Possession isn’t simply putting a thing inside a box: both entities are influenced and informed by the other, but only one has all the power.

11. … ok, so my interest in this Nick subplot is rapidly decaying. Nick did it. He killed his family. It’s not a mystery.

11.5. The emotional dynamics of this scene… checks out, actually. Of course Nick is projecting all his rage on Castiel. And of course Castiel regrets destroying Jimmy Novak’s life the most. More than toeing the party line and being instrumental in almost bringing the Apocalypse about in s4; more than releasing the Leviathan; more than trusting Metatron in s8; more than killing his brethren, who’ve tortured him back and tried to kill him on more than one occasion. But Castiel has been both angel and human—both possessing and being possessed—long enough that he’s intimately aware of the devastation it leaves both within and without. And there are no excuses for the way he and other angels have done that damage—so carelessly, so casually. Even the most well-intentioned angels are deceptive and manipulative and give not a second thought about their hapless vessels. It’s a sign of Castiel’s growth and compassion that he recognises his responsibility in this and that he invokes Jimmy’s name with both reverence and regret. In all this shouting and crying that Show doesn’t acknowledge the deep-seated trauma of possession survivors, this is actually a great moment.

12. That werewolf leader looks familiar. Has the actor been on SPN before? He kinda reminds me of one of the leads on Suits.

12.5. That’s a lot of clunky dialogue, but Michael is basically confirming what I speculated in point 2. Cool.

13. How Jack managed to get away and find his grandparents is never explained, but that’s a familiar Buckleming trope—characters are put together in a scene without any regard to how it might connect to other scenes or how/why those characters might’ve gotten there.

13.2. That said, it’s kinda poignant that Jack, having lost his angelic powers, is now trying to understand the human side of his heritage. He’s trying his best to adapt to his situation; this one year old kid is more well-adjusted than most of the adults on this show.

13.5. Well, holy shit, Jack talking about Kelly to his grandparents is just… making me feel emotional in a way this show hasn’t made me feel in a long, long time. This Calvert kid is good.

13.6. It is bizarre that Kelly’s parents are mostly ok with not knowing Kelly’s whereabouts for over a year—I don’t think we ever found out what position exactly Kelly held in the President’s office, and I can picture them in a bit of denial by telling themselves the reason they haven’t heard from Kelly is because she is in the middle of super-secret government work. I don’t know! But it’s just about handwave-able though, and their scene with Jack is worth it.

14. Honestly, Castiel, how did he travel so far and for so long without you noticing? So much for “Don’t worry, Sam, I will babysit this defenceless creature.”

(Speaking of Sam, wheeeerrreee’s Saaaaammmm)

“I suppose there are worse ways to be human than to be kind.”

“Have you heard from Sam?”

I LOVE YOU, JACK.

14.5. No, actually, Dean wouldn’t want it any other way. He said as much when Gadreel took over Sam completely back in s9.

15. Shoo, Nick.

16. FINALLY MORE SAM. With only like 4 minutes of episode left. What, Show, did you think you spoiled us too much last episode with all that glorious, glorious Sam content?

16.25. And finally a bit of action! The rapid-fire editing is making my head hurt, though.

16.5. Soooooooooooooo Dean’s back? Obviously Michael is playing a long game here, but it says something about the show that they can’t keep Dean away for more than two episodes without getting the shakes. I honestly miss Sera Gamble and her desire to rattle the status quo: in s6, she kept the so-called ‘real’ Sam away for half the season, which gave us imo some of the best storytelling, characterisation and acting from both Padalecki and Ackles in the entire show. In s7 she took away all the Winchester markers: the Impala, weird motel rooms, Bobby’s house. Of course, after she left the show settled back into a familiar rut (substituting Bobby’s house with that thrice-damned Bunker). I wish the show would take risks with these two again. s9 and the beginning of s10 were so very promising but there was no follow-through.

I guess they want to MotW fillers for a few episodes and that would be weird without SamnDean SamnDeaning it in the Impala, but Show, why don’t you just say ‘fuck it’ and try weird on for size? What do you have to lose? I mean, seriously?

17. Nick’s the murderer—called it!

18. This wasn’t terrible, you guys. 95% of the episode was just people sitting around having conversations, the dialogue was clunky, ideas derivative, scenes progressed without any rational links between them, the pacing was wonky, and there was too much exposition. But the emotional beats were solid and the set up is reasonably intriguing. I’ve seen far, far worse BuckLeming episodes.

Pacing is a real issue in this season, though. And Michael is not remotely intimidating as a threat.

#supernatural #season 14 #spn spoilers #sam winchester #castiel #michael #jack kline #meta #unpopular opinion: this ep was... pretty ok

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fierceawakening · 6 years

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1/? erinc1978/assholeanon again -- will try to respond to your questions as best I can. As a general point, I think I understand better now where you were coming from in terms of how you approached writing various parts of Steel and Promise, and I'm sorry for having been such a douche about it.

It’s Book Anon again. Cut for length, discussions of consent, some nonexplicit sexual content, and spoilers.

Re: 6/ – I think there were a few things that had me thinking Teran was saying that everything kind she’d done was purposeful manipulation. Some of this may well be incorrectly remembered through anxiety haze, but IIRC part of it was her general attitude during the conversation, that struck me as generally sort of triumphant and preening – along the lines of “ha, I got you to fall for me, aren’t I clever.” (cont’d)

Re:6/ contd - I think another was Cailyn saying something to the effect of “so what about the ‘you’re a jewel among stones’ business”, and Teran IIRC didn’t deny that was part of the manipulation. So I took it as being broader than the s/m. As we learn that Teran was trading torture to own Cailyn, that confirmed it for me emotionally – that she couldn’t have been sincere in her regret over upsetting Cailyn by merely wrecking her clothes if she had no qualms about buying her outright.

As a general note, I’m really sorry that my deactivating killed your archives of my asks. It didn’t occur to me that would happen. Should’ve sent everything as a message in the first place and then I wouldn’t have spammed your ask box. I didn’t remember there was another option until Tumblr cut me off and said, “Whoa, you need to wait an hour until you send any more asks.”

On the personal note - “safe” was a terrible choice of words for a complicated internal state that I was wrong to externalize, and I feel really bad for causing you more pain over this. I absolutely do NOT mean to suggest you are an Unsafe Person in any kind of general sense, and I give you my word that I will not say or imply to anyone, online or off, that you are not a safe person to be around.

As one last note - I understand why you feel jerked around, and I wish I could take back my actions and that I’d just discussed the book like a normal person in the first place instead of jumping to conclusions, but I can’t do anything more at this point than apologize. Just let me know when you want to be done with this interaction so that I don’t overstep your boundary (i.e. I give you a last response and then block). I found code to block websites via my OS, and when you’re done, I’m done.

Okay, so I don’t know if this helps at all, but I’ve been avoiding mentioning personal stuff because of the whole “safe/unsafe” deal which I didn’t want to feed into, but I feel a bit like I have to wade into it to make some of this make sense.

It’s true that some things about Teran are things I’ve experienced or are based on me. One of those things is that… when I joined the BDSM community around me at the tender young age of 21, I didn’t know too much about myself or where I fit in that bunch of overlapping letters. But I knew I was interested, specifically, in SM–I’d spent most of my young life fantasizing about people who liked pain, but I didn’t think they really existed, or thought they had some kind of Freudian complex that meant even if I knew what I was doing I’d harm them emotionally by enticing them into indulging in something that was bad for them. When I was a youngin you really couldn’t find much that positively portrayed people with pain fetishes.

But the thing was, when I got into the community? Intense masochists aren’t crazy or unhealthy and dating them doesn’t make you evil. BUT they’re rare. Most people are interested in sensation play but not really in intense SM stuff–and even more common than that is an interest in (usually mild/bedroom-only) D/s.

So finding partners, or at least finding partners that are actually complementary to me on that score? Is hard! They’re out there–there’s at least one in every community I’ve been in–but they’re relatively rare.

In part because they’re rare, in my experience a lot of them were older, and actually a lot of them were in relationships. Of the “masochism was completely unacceptable when I married my wife, but I couldn’t stand it any more so I asked her to beat me, she said YIKES NOOOOO but eventually agreed I could go to play parties if I don’t actually side date anyone and hide the marks” sort. (This is one reason I disagree with antis about age gaps. One of the first people I ever beat? Three times my age. Did he harm me? Well, I did end up hurting my shoulder by not realizing I was new to this and should have slowed down… SHIT SHIT SHIT THE ANTIS WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!)

It’s kinda lonely, and is part of the reason I haven’t dated anyone since my last partner. They’re hard to find! At least if you actually want, you know, a relationship.

So that was the thing. Teran found one, he was actually single and interested, but he got sick and died. And she went back to the dark channels to look for another one, and couldn’t really find one, because as assholey as the nobles are, the dark channels are much more like… what most people were and what I wasn’t really looking for.

So Teran knows that almost anyone is gonna disappoint her, and either she can 1) keep having random dates with people hoping she chances on someone who is orientationally masochistic and be vaguely frustrated until she does or 2) try to see if she can train someone to become what she wants. (Especially someone who IS inherently submissive and wants to serve, which Cailyn is.)

So she does 2). Without making it clear what she’s doing, because she’s kind of a jerk. And because “oh, I’d like to alter your sexuality, you good with that?” is a big ask.

Doesn’t make it okay that she did that and wasn’t honest about it, and I’m not saying it is. Pushing someone’s soft limits can be okay–that’s why they’re soft limits–but not realizing someone might be just a little upset upon finding out that’s pretty much why they picked you? UH. TERAN NO.

From Teran’s perspective (which, again, TERAN NO) she expected Cailyn to figure it out. She never came out and said “this is an experiment,” but she talked often about how Cailyn’s experiences of pain and desires were shifting. So she thought Cailyn would figure it out, and assumed (again, TERAN NO) that Cailyn coming back over and over meant Cailyn was fundamentally okay with it. She knew she was being manipulative, but she didn’t realize how awful she was being. Which is why she was surprised when Cailyn was like “HOLY SHIT AM I AN EXPERIMENT?” as if this was 1) news and 2) bad news.

The other thing Teran does that is unquestionably horrible is the bargaining to own Cailyn. Whether it’s clear from the text or not (and I can’t really go back and reread in depth now to find out if I was too ambiguous about this), what I meant to say was that Teran wants Cailyn to freely consent to stay with her, and asks for it. When Cailyn says no, she initially respects it, but then the Councils (at the behest, of course, of Ben, who is the actual skin-crawlingly terrible person who gives no fucks whatever about consent so of course he would dream this crap up) basically say “you know if you do this for us you won’t have to worry about that cute girl running away from you *wink*” and… Teran goes for it, even though part of her knows she shouldn’t.

So again… I’m not trying to say I meant for what Teran did to be Okay Because She’s Lonely. It’s not okay. But I didn’t mean that she was a completely uncaring person. I meant that she was a very damaged person who gets what she wants through manipulation because why not when almost everyone despises you anyway, someone “liking” you means they want to rape you and force you to carry their kid, and the one guy who actually loved you was perfectly fine with heavy D/s… and died horribly anyway?

I appreciate you saying that you didn’t mean “safe” the way I took it. I just… if you actually think I am okay with real world dubious consent and was saying it’s fine, then… I actually deserve to have people warned about me. And the thing about it is… if you actually are a person who is abusive, or manipulative, or real-world wobbly on consent, you’re the last person to know it. Abusive and manipulative people make excuses for themselves to themselves, which is why it’s so hard for them to change.

So while my gut reaction to your comments is “I didn’t say that! I don’t endorse that! The thing I wrote isn’t that!” there’s part of me that feels that I can’t argue… because I’d always say/think that I’m safe even if I’m not. Which puts me in the awkward position of “That sounds wrong, and also insulting and hurtful! But that’s exactly what I would think if it was 100% correct!”

Which is where the scrupulosity spirals come from.

So the only thing I can really say and do is… again, give you as much of a platform as I can given the energy I have at any given time, and make sure people who aren’t me see it, and have the opportunity to decide for themselves whether I am accurately assessing myself as “someone who attempts to be positive and safe for friends and lovers” or not.

#steel and promise #spoilers #my writing #Anonymous

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