#but really it went right back to normal!

[monster-noises]

Forever thinking about TCAF 2019

Where I Fully sprained my ankles about 2 days before

And proceeded to;

-Not go to a doctor

-Put some ice on it over night then ride the train to Toronto

-Go Immediately to a Furry Dance Party

-Walk on it All Day at TCAF (In heels if i remember correct. Not Tall heels mind, but i was not Flat Footed)

-Be absolutely Mystyfied about why i felt Naseaus all day and proceeded to throw up the next morning before my train home,, for the next Several Years

(the pain, it was the pain, i threw up because of how bad my ankle hurt)

And when i came back I Still didn't take time off work or go to the hospital or anything!! How I still have a perfectly functional ankle is Beyond me!

#monster noises #every Now and Again it gives me a bit of Guff #but really it went right back to normal! #it was so swollen though oh my God #it filled the collar of my little Boots #I sprained it in the first place by stepping off a curb wrong and rolled it #fell right over onto the pavement pretty hard #got right back up and hobbled through the intersection fast as i could manage #when i had determined i wasn't bleeding and wasn't in enough pain to indicate i'd Broken something i just... kept going on my errand #lmao #(i was getting my money for TCAF from the bank) #literally 0 self preservation instincts and really wonky pain tolerance #where /I/ don't feel that much pain #but my Body does #if that makes sense? #hence the Vomitting #my body was in pain but i couldn't really feel how Bad it was

[front-facing-pokemon]

#something is very obviously different about these two compared to my normal images on this blog. i acknowledge this #also the sv model is Really good. and since they always stare straight at the camera anyway… and no one pays attention to the background… #and the only high-quality phantump model i could find was so horribly shiny that its eyes were just white voids #in my defense‚ phantump always just stare straight at you in game #the lighting is different‚ yeah. that's probably the dead giveaway. beyond the background. but like. i'm the only being on the planet who #really likes phantump anyway. i feel like it's a generally forgettable pokémon to most folks #phantump #HELLO this one is a weird one. i have some explaining to do. so when i did this one i didn't know how to edit models really at all #and when i got the models for these‚ the xy models were super shiny. shiny to the point that it made their eyes fuckin invisible #and i decided that since you could barely tell it was phantump‚ i needed a different way to get these images #i remembered that in the SV dlc‚ every time you find a wild phantump‚ it just fucking. stares. at you. and i was like. aha #i kinda remembered because of the test stream that i did. tumblr user alligayytorr (am i getting the right amount of Ys) said #“haha i am getting a sneak peek” when i zoomed the camera in on a phantump. and i remembered that. and i was like. i can utilize this #and ended up using just an in-game screenshot of SV in replacement of the regular content. later on‚ after that #once we got into gen 7 and it became less and less reliable to find models‚ i had to learn how to edit them manually to remove the shine #i am a software dev. not a 3d modeler. this ended up coming down to editing the code of the models directly (which i ended up writing a #script to automate). now‚ today‚ january 22nd (the day of me writing these tags and updating this post)‚ i remembered this post was in the #queue and was not normal. so i went back‚ ran the script on the phantump and trevenant models‚ and unshinified them #then edited these two posts to be normal. i have left the original pictures i took under the cut for reference and as bonuses #because i really enjoy phantump. so that's why those images are there‚ and that's why these tags are here #just for posterity's sake‚ the folks who come here mostly for my commentary‚ i've left the ORIGINAL tags of the post when i initially #made it with the SV pictures up at the top (i wanted to rearrange them‚ but tumblr makes that Very difficult‚ so i left them as-is) #so if these tags are confusing to read i Apologize. but i hope now that you're at the bottom you understand what happened #i'm gonna go edit the trevenant post now

[worstloki]

prize for least genre aware protagonist 👑

#no because Thor trusted Loki so much and was oblivious and that's what made the whole thing a tragedy #but Thor was really out there like 'what do you MEAN Loki lied to me about Father's death and my banishment... let me try appealing to him' #except Thor's version of appeal is like a really really bad apology where the person doesn't want to admit they did anything #and also isn't convinced you're hurt #and Thor's SO SURE this plan will work because he knows his brother right #he knows Loki #and his plan which in accordance to him would have worked was to appeal to Loki's good side/the truth of who would be hurt #his plan was to do away with Loki's assumed anger by being like ''noooo don't do this here hit me instead <3'' #and he thought Loki wouldn't do it. #which means that before the whole plot shenanigans that would have worked and Loki also wouldn't have hit Thor #Loki watching Thor try to manipulate him by acting like his feelings are invalid the same way Frigga and Odin tried: nice try. thot. *wack* #so anyway Thor got hit and I think that's what u get for being soooooo sure that your little brother who u take for granted won't get hurt #by anything discouraging said or done or implied or being used by u for about him <3 #anyway the fact that Thor was SO sure that Loki was reacting badly and would calm down and be normal again is so sad actually #because it means Thor had the experience to know that's how it should have gone #which means when that's not what happened Thor also gets to be the one who has to work through processing that Loki's changed #and I don't think he DID that in the year where Loki was gone #he just neglected thinking about it until Loki was back and suddenly he couldn't pretend his brother had been the same (good) one at death #sad ironic something something character foils too late tragedy #Thor really went out there like i got this and got <beep>slapped fr fr #and then it happened again when he showed up for the Bifrost fight #Thor: i just have to wait it out. we all get angry. he'll get better #Loki: [screaming crying raging shrieking trying to kill him] #Thor: HE'LL GET BETTER #the fact that Thor doesn't expect the lies or the hitting or the unreasonable attitude even when Loki is VERY angry.......... ;-; #Thor watched his brother deteriorate in real time

[fairyroses]

He was about to kill you, Lex. Or divulge something you didn't want me to know.

— SMALLVILLE, "Forever" (4.21)

+ bonus from "Arctic" (7.20):

#smallville #smallvilleedit #svedit #lex luthor #jason teague #lionel luthor #clark isn't in these scenes but they're still very much #clex #sv 4x21 #sv 7x20 #dcmultiverse #my gifs #'why can't you see what's right in front of your face lex?' god. god. godddd. #I think there's a really interesting discussion to be had (with many potential viewpoints) #re: to what extent lex actually knew the truth either consciously or subconsciously at any particular time #and how much he was just in denial about it (and why) #I'm not really prepared to have that discussion in these tags but like #let's face it - lex figured out that clark had powers all the way back in 1x12 #just because clark convinced him he was wrong at the time doesn't mean he just forgot that whole thing #and yet it seemed like the more seasons went on and the more obvious the truth became #especially the fact that clark was so heavily tied to all the alien weirdness of smallville #the more lex seemed to (subconsciously?) push back against accepting or recognizing that truth #I mean that's literally what he's doing in the 4x21 scene with jason #so it's like he both desperately wanted to know clark's secret but also didn't want to know at all #and that's just SO interesting #I mean jesus the 7x20 scene is supposed to be peak evil lex and yet he STILL has to be pushed into accepting the truth #and he does so with his eyes glistening because yeah he wanted to know clark's secret once upon a time but he never wanted THIS #(remember when lex told jonathan in s1 that he just wanted clark to have a happy normal life bc clark was such a good person? #and then he's told in 7x20 that to save the world he has to KILL clark and take that life away from him hahaha [crying] it's fine I'm FINE) #wow I really said 'I'm not prepared to have this discussion' and then just. proceeded to have it anyway huh. lmao oops

[lesbianshepard]

please tell me you got through to that redditor i need a follow up

sorry to disappoint. there's only so much i could tolerate going in circles with me going "that's not a normal way to feel" and them going "you're only saying that because you're a degenerate" before i went "hey, I'm not going to do this anymore. You've got issues, and you're clearly an unhappy person who won't confront that. Stop telling people to kill themselves online and try therapy, or at least get a healthy hobby." and he stopped replying.

#we did have a...weirdly civil discussion about antidepressants? #like he stopped trying to insult me and asked how they make you feel and if they really turn you into a confused zombie #and i was like nah you gotta get the right dosage and type #and he was like oh. i didnt know there were different types #and then after some back and forth he went back to #'only weak people would ask a doctor for those real men would deal with things themselves #and i was like. alright. and then ended it. #at one point he tried to insult me for taking too long to reply #and i was like dude im watching a movie checking reddit dms is low on my priorities #and he asked if it was cuties which was an insult #but then suggested another movie #and it was like. a normal movie? #which threw me off

[fluffypichu876]

guess who beat dark souls 1 for the first time???? ehehehehehhehe

this game is soo very good! it's such an unique experience, and honestly, despite the (kinda mild?) difficulty, it's one game that i would recommend to everyone.

oh, and i'm doing ng+ btw >:)

#i severely underestimated gwyn #went to fight him parryless because that felt kinda cheap poor guy #he kicked my ass xD #HE'S VERY FAST WITH THAT SWORD #and just like artorias he makes *sure* to not let you heal #still a fun fight #as for ng+... #i find it really funny how the game has no “start a new game” prompt at all #right after the credits it just throws you back at the undead asylum like you just finished a normal cutscene or smth xD #and also ng+ sounds fun so why not do it? #after memorizing each area in the 1st playthrough getting through them again is super fast #dark souls

[daz4i]

hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know

#at least I'm on the way to get another test to see if it really is crohn's or not :') #my other tests came out negative but the last doctor i saw said it's worth checking again :') #bc. he claims. you're never gonna guess it. these pains are NOT normal ✨️ who could've thought! #sorry for the bitterness. as you may be able to infer from this i am in severe pain and having a hard time standing up or moving at all #btw through this doctor i went to i found out i actually had internal inflammation back in 2018 too and i was just. never told abt it. #like i was in the hospital and they ran a test but bc it was for smth else they didn't think to point it out?? #why do i have to learn 5 years later that i had smth wrong with me that probably got worse with time and that's why I'm like that now 😭😭😭 #(i wanna apply good faith to this. they probably thought it was a result of my other stomach issues so it'll pass once they do. #but like. if it really didn't go away and in fact got worse with time. i feel like i have the right to blame them yknow?) #vent #possibly a tmi one idk ajskflglh #sorry. i am very tired

[void-kissed]

ohhh?? a fifth main??? 👀 is it zero or clio by chance???

selwyn it has been Thirty Seconds

yes it's Clio

#a call from the void #heart of the void #selfshipping #love: crown of clovers (clio) #IN MY DEFENCE I HAVE BEEN FOCUSING ON HER A LOT OVER THE PAST.. when did we start fatebreakers. NINE MONTHS #I say that like she's been in it that whole time but she showed up near the start once and then she came back more recently #EITHER WAY #I just feel bad because I made her after the game she was made for went offline #which is part of why i'm so adamant to hear more about missing link. I want to bring her story to something current again #I just love her okay #out of the inbox #selfship asks #selwyn tag! #with zero I have a similar but opposite problem - namely that I can't really think about my selfship with her much yet #because she doesn't show up in the story until *the end of the game* and I am *very much not near that right now* #so while i've been able to have story for my *self-insert* it hasn't been as easy to think of for the *selfship itself* #which is.. not how it normally goes I wouldn't say

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[avatardoggo]

i held a man’s hand today

#this has been in my drafts since the 10th so please forgive me on the late update i’ve been Busy ™️ #it all started on the weekend FG dropped me off at my choir performance for school and i’d been running around all day so i was all 😵‍💫 tryi #to do everything in a timely manner and he was such a big help driving me around everywhere and stuff so sweet 🥰 and as i was outside the #theatre he was handing me something? i can’t even remember rn and he was like you’re going to do great all that good pep talk stuff and as i #was reaching for what he had in his hand i kinda just kept my hand there and he did too but i had to go so i just left and then he picked me #up after and that was that and then on sunday we we hanging out and i just went out and said it bc ya girl is no coward 😤 i said “i wanted #to do something yesterday’ and he said “’ok?’ and i was like i wanted to hold your hand and he asked why didn’t you? ‘bc i was nervy 😣’ and #then after some back and forth small joking he just took my hand and we held them in silence for a bit and i was explaining how im in my #head a lot and i’m really trying to not do that anymore esp with him and he was rubbing 👏🏾 my 👏🏾 hand 👏🏾 with 👏🏾 his 👏🏾 THUMB 👏🏾 #LIKE ANSJDKKFKFKFKLLDJCNCNJDJENNXXJJD #you see normally that makes me reeeallllyyt ticklish but it was so soothing i could’ve fell asleep right then and there i promise you and he #was so gentle with his voice and omgoodness this man #so then i had to go and he was like yk you’re going to have to let go bc there’s no way im letting go 😭😳🙄 LIKE SIR #but ya that’s the latest update 🫣 #mutuals my beloved <3 #vk overshares in the tags #friendly giant ™️ #fg

[candlebel]

I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.

#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you. #I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible. #I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me. #I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth. #I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely. #I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin #I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't... #I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it #or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away... #to this day... #I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again #I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that. #I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY #that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back #that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed. #“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again. #By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant. #I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did. #The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement. #Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF. #You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do. #I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha #No I do not look at your blogs. #The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one. #I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel #safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time. #I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore. #And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry... #I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too... #vent

[famewolf]

woah I woke up at 7:30am all on my own ... how

#[static] #I've been slowly trying to get myself to wake up earlier by training my brain #but today I woke up a whole hour before my alarm even though we went to bed at 1am #we're about to have daylights savings this weekend so im gonna be right back to square one with waking up early lol #but that was cool! im usually really good at imagining what time i want to get up and my body just does it if it's within reason- #-to my normal wake up time #i just love the morning light and having time to relax before going to work #and waking up at 10am was Not it for me

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

#given a chance is a story based on my real childhood friendship #so i wanna rewrite it and make it into a proper novel #but i warped the real story to make the fic make more sense for h and l #while obvs the real story is so fucking complex and i also gave a bunch of gaps in my memory bc i was a literal child #And it goes super deep bc i made some painful mistakes #as a kid and teen #but i seriously deeply cared about this person and i'm so sad with how the real story went #so i am rewriting it still to have a happy ending #but fucking hell i need to dig DEEP to get this story right #and i really want to get it right #so i'm basically having to go and erase made-up scenes i invented for the fic #and remember the actual events #but i still kept it gay so i added that aspect bc i do think my own behavior back then was a result of me not understanding myself #not understanding my gender #and how i liked this boy but i didn't like it when he treated me like a girl even though he did like me and and and anddddd #so yeah #WHEW #big deep intense story #i need to time when i write tbh bc it's like i descend into the recesses of my brain when i do #and i need to crawl back out every time in order to be a normal person again #aaaaahhhhhhhhwel #let's hope i can make this into what i know it could be #my posts