#and i felt absolutely nothing

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[greykolla-art]

⚠️Please don’t touch the sexy deer, it’s not flirting with you. ⚠️

I’ve got a thing for Vox being a fuckboi who keeps thinking their tension is gonna lead to hate sex. 😂

#grey art #hazbin hotel fanart #hazbin hotel #radiostatic #one sided radiostatic #complicated relationships yummy! #alastor #vox #hazbin vox #hazbin alastor #it’s also fun to see these scenes with an ace character #I have had a guy say that exact line to me #I felt absolutely nothing #😂 #ace problems #✌️

[oifaaa]

Can't wait to go into work tomorrow and try to explain to my coworkers that I spent my whole Sunday doing nothing but watching an almost 4 hour long youtube video essay about plagiarism

#hbomberguy #the absolute joy i felt this morning #walking up #seeing that video #realising i had nothing else i had to do today #best feeling in the world

[time-is-restored]

anyone else thinking about how us crows canonically reacted to that diorama in the aquarium? like. imagine being q!phil, desparately trying to convince himself that none of this is happening and his dreams are just dreams... while all of the crows surrounding you are going NUTS

vocalising, ruffling their feathers, flapping their wings - immediately and viscerally reacting to all of the trappings of endlantis and the king.

im just. can you even imagine trying to process that. imagine ur kid wakes up and can't see any of the shit that's driving you + ur entire murder to hysterics, even when they're all Clearly reacting to... something in the aquarium. imagine phil trying to say he's fine and that he just needs air while the crows are fucking RIOTING.

we knew + were shouting abt the king and endlantis LONG before q!phil was able to acknowledge it. and the dissonance of that is just,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, OGH!

#qsmp #q!phil #q!philza #there's more i want to say abt. q!phil's simultaneous knowledge and lack of certainty abt hardcore #but i don't actually know for sure what q!phil/cc!phil have said on the topic so far. wasn't hardcore one of the last things q!phil #remembered before the island? and then he dreamt he was back there WHILE 'dreaming' about the birdhouse? #imo if the birdhouse was just a dream and he's leaning HARD into denial for it he's gotta be trying his best to repress what he does/doesn' #know abt hc too. yes its only dreams yes it was the most vivid thing he's felt in his life yes he knows its lore and entities by name yes #none of its real bc they can't get to him bc if they CAN get to him there's absolutely nothing he can do to stop them. y'know?

[hi-there-buddies]

The funniest fucking thing about the two Broly movies is seeing Super Goku be like “wow you’re really strong! I can’t wait to fight you again”

Then turning around and seeing Z Goku be like “holy fucking shit HOLY FUCKING SHIT GOHAN OH FUCK-“

#dbz #dbs #broly #goku #son goku #dragon ball #dragon ball z #dragon ball super #dbz broly #dbs broly #I love the super movie #but nothing with ever top the absolute fear and adrenaline I felt #when watching the Z movie #Broly was so unhinged mf had Goku HORRIFIED #this man asked Goku #HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR SON #TELL ME THATS NOT INSANE

[bbdoll]

2023 Fall Fashion

credits: @belaloallure3 @rimings, @eunosims, @nolan-sims, @bustedpixels, @shannanisim, @mlyssimblr, @kouzeesim, @laeska, @saartje77, @darte77, @jius-sims, @madlensims, @candysims4, @ssiat, @syaovu & @simancholy.

Thank you, xoxo [b.]

#ts4 #ts4 lookbook #styledlooks #wardrobe #guysss...i came back...and then cov*d bit me in the arse #first time catching and i am NOT well #anyways it's my birthday and felt like posting #this my new chic that i'm absolutely in love with from a fresh save bc i reinstalled ts4 #i've had nothing BUT time being ill and i've downloaded a crap ton of cc #...i don't even know who i am anymore

[tora-the-cat]

An interesting little fun thing with team 7 is that you assume that Sakura's gonna, like, woobify and simplify Sasuke by putting him on a pedastal,cause her goal is centered around him and shes a 12 y/o fangirl so like of course her understanding of him is skewed cause she doesnt see him as a person, just an object of affection, right? She's can't get Sasuke, can't imprint on and/or traumabond with him like Naruto and Kakashi do. They don't see him with rose tinted glasses, because they've lived through their own Horrors and empathize with Sasuke's experience.

......right?

WRONG lmao!! They have too many ghosts!! Naruto's single-minded codependent ass won't get out of his own way long enough to see Sasuke for who he actually is, only able to empathize with the parts of his trauma Naruto relates to and not really capable of understanding him outside of the context of himself (because Sasuke is. His other half). And Kakashi is far too jaded to be fair to him!! He can't decide if Sasuke is gonna end up as a mini-him or a mini-Obito or maybe a mini-Itachi, but either way he ALSO is too traumatized to see Sasuke AS SASUKE.

meanehile SAKURA'S autistic ass may have dogshit empathy, but you know what she does have? A special interest in sasuke. Nothing better to do then give herself a degree in Uchihaisms. She can write character studies about him. she can read his soul. Whenever she says something about him she is right. Every fucking time! She is RIGHT!!!!

'sasuke would NOT compliment me this directly or explicitly express worry unprompted, especially if it gets in the way of his goals' correct.

'Sasuke shouldn't hide that curse on his neck its not healthy BUT if I tell anyone about it he'll never trust me again, which might be even more dangerous for him then the curse mark. Like he can probably handle the curse mark but no one else can stop him from ripping peoples arms off.' correct.

Speaking of! 'Sasuke would not hurt me even when he seems to be...possessed? whatever the only way to knock him out of it is to present myself as Alive and thus something to be protected rather then something to be avenged, because he gets really stuck in his own head about revenge' CORRECT

'hey so um. like. Sasuke's gonna leave Konoha. I'm not sure anything can stop him at this point and honestly I'm kinda starting to doubt anything should, so the only thing I could possibly do to help him at this point is ALSO defect.' CORRECT!!!!

#shout out to @Obihoe cause this started as a tag comment on one of your posts that got WAY too out of hand. just like old times lol #team 7 #haruno sakura #sakura haruno #sasuke uchiha #team crackhead #naruto #naruto uzumaki #sasusaku #doesn't have to be but like. Yeah #for the record no disrespect to my boys Naruto n Kakashi I love them dearly. but like. they got their issues. that's half the fun of team 7 #And Sakura has her problems with Sasuke too!! But her problems have nothing to do with understand him or his motivations or his personhood #and more to do with. Well. her absolute dogshit empathy. Emotionally disregulated ass. #'if you leave me I'll feel just like you did when your parents died' My beloved. Iconic. Great line. No notes. She's really just still so #inexperienced and naive that means she can explain and predict and KNOW him and his actions but still not empathize. She can say shit #like that with a straight face because she's never FELT loss like this before (except that minute she thought he was dead on the bridge) #so she can't imagine a worse pain. Just assumes it can't GET worse because she has no emotional concept of 'worse'. so it must be the same #she's literally the only person with a chance of convincing Sasuke to take her with him to Orochimaru because he's SASUKE of course she #knows all the right pressure points and keywords and concerns and stuff that she needs to convince him. #she's literally playing a little diolouge tree game with him. And maybe even winning up until that line! it's the dealbreaker

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Drew WWX and LWJ after I finished my rewatch of The Untamed a few months ago. I have gotten marginally better. May this set a benchmark for what to expect from this blog.

Edit: June 2023 redraw

#Poorly Drawn MDZS #MDZS #wei wuxian #Lan Wanji #there are a lot of great artists in this fandom. I am not one of them #I've always admired artists a lot so I wanted to try learning how to draw #And the only way to start is to draw a lot. Enter the audio drama (and my desire to listen to it guilt free) #doing both at once was my way of participating in my own fandom #as much as I wanted to be super social on the MDZS forums...I honestly got really nervous #I have nothing to contribute besides going 'cool!' to other people's art #Writing and historical/theory posts. It kinda felt worse than isolation... #That aside...I am just here to dump my silly comics and I expect absolutely nothing to come of it #I'm blogging like that lady from that julia child movie. about the cookbook. I forgot what its called. this is just a journal to me

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

have i mentioned how great cats are. there's a lil guy in my house and when i lay my head on her side she starts purring so hard <3 and ten seconds later she will try to open my wrist with her teeth <3 truly the best <3

#shes just a silly goofy little guy..... #miss war crimes.... mister menace... bastard... her royal highness <3 #she holds all of these titles And More #no ones doing it like her!!! #she eats spiders & makes funny noises that instantly Boosts my criminally low happy chemicals #sorry i looked at her for too long and was once more overcome by a strange emotion i believe some call love #affection? delight?? all three.... #and i Had to publicly post about her #i am very proud of my tiny fluffy friend & her general Existence. i must flaunt her #oh how horrible! a couple of tendons in my neck just rubbed together in a very terrible way #what the Fuck. i wish i could reach in there and pluck on em a lil. make sure theyre in the right places #felt that in my Ear.... #absolutely unprompted #oh speaking of weird things cause yall know i love to ramble and overshare #i think! i Hypothesize! that there's a slight.... Disconnect between my eyes #my depth perception is fine and i can See #but theres somethin fucky w my vision and focus #nothing is blurry! but it looks like it should be! i dont know how to explain it! #its like my quality of vision has dwindled but not in a way i can describe or really point out #but it Is slightly harder to read and like... See things? #its almost as if i have a few tiny blind spots. #i first noticed this happening after my terrible no good double-decker-migraine weekend #it very slowly got slightly better but then i had Another migraine the other day (ugh and a left brain one at that) #and im back to square one! my visions all fucky again! my peripherals suck! #in other news my house is. so warm. its 2 am. my shirt is toasty enough to keep tortillas warm #i hope everyone is having a good week #and if youre not! theres always the next one! and little delights sprinkled throughout! get yourself a tasty treat you deserve it!

[myrkkymato]

Furious

#sevika #sevika arcane #sevika fanart #arcane sevika #arcane #arcane fanart #fan art #illustration #myrkkymato art #I love talking about my faves to my friends who know absolutely nothing about them or fandoms in general #Teaching them a whole new vocabulary #But once my friend asked WHY do i like sevika so much and have i thought if there's a reason why i'm drawn to characters like her #Andd that felt fucking personal (i love my friend) #My thoughts went from “daaaamn she fine” to “hmm... i guess i never felt strong enough physically or emotionally and..... " #It also felt like outing myself as a goddamn bottom (just joking. love you my fellow bottoms)

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.

#positivity #mental health #mental health support #gentle reminders #this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize) #(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that) #(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view) #i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum #or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true #i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it #but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body #in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have #so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it #i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume #(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle) #hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm. #mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience) #but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore #i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍

[zishuge]

I'm supposed to be working but instead I'm thinking about Li Lianhua growing vegetables and how, once upon a time, he was so happy that he almost cried when he finally managed to grow some turnips.

Thinking about how he must've been at rock bottom then - sick, injured, heartbroken, having just lost in one fell swoop everyone and everything he's ever cared about. His shixiong, dead. He believes it's his fault. His shifu, dead. He believes it's his fault. His sect, in ruins. He believes it's his fault. His people no longer believe in him. A-Mian doesn't love him anymore. It's all his fault, it's all his fault.

He doesn't have Hulijing yet. He's alone. He's heartsick. He'll be dead in ten years, or much sooner than that if he can't find some food and shelter. His Sigu Sect leader token is only worth 50 taels of silver. It turns out everything he has built his life around is worth only 50 taels of silver. I can hear his self-deprecating laugh. How foolish he must've felt, having his life's ambition put so violently and abruptly into perspective.

Have you ever been so despondent that you cling desperately to just one thing, anything, that you can focus on in order to not think about everything else? So: turnips.

Tending, weeding, watering, counting, day by day by slowly passing day. The vegetables grow and he survives. And finally, one day, he discovers that against all odds, he has turnips. These hands which he believes have caused the destruction of all that he once held dear, somehow managed to nurture creation and support life. Everything and everyone is gone, but here in his hands is this one small glimmer of hope that perhaps he is not only capable of ruin. How happy he must've been. Was it the first time he felt joy since before the East Sea battle? How he must've wanted to tell someone, but there was no one there.

You know who he must've most wanted to tell? His shifu. His shifu, who once told him that he didn't care about Xiangyi becoming any great martial artist. Just eat well, drink well, and live well. Maybe kneeling there in the dirt, gently cradling his small misshapen turnips in his hands — maybe that's when Li Lianhua finally understands what Shifu meant.

#and so he promised himself he would do nothing but try to live by shifu's words for the rest of his life #of course that is until fang duobing crashed into it #mysterious lotus casebook #莲花楼 #word vomit #it's li lianhua feels hours #when i tell you that that one scene of him tending to his turnips #made me absolutely lose it #i had to pause because i was sobbing so hard i couldn't see the screen #i can't have been the only one #just imagining what he must've felt then #every time i think about it my heart aches #i'm sorry this is so long i just can't stop thinking about it and need to get it down #i have to go cuddle my dog now #my ramblings #text

[ifixbrokenmemories]

something about Ocean Vuong saying Brooklyn's too cold tonight & all my friends are three years away and all the loneliness that comes with adulthood and remembering strangers who were friends too long ago.

#friendship #friends to strangers #i miss the love i have never had #i wish my friendships felt more like warm hugs and less like sweet handshakes #adulthood #there is absolutely nothing lonelier #brooklyn #ocean vuong

[wikipedie]

I feel better about my programming skills. However poorly I might do and however little I might know and understand, I can be at peace knowing I will always know more about it than Elon Musk

#programming #i always felt ashamed of it but at least I know that reviewing code on paper is going to be absolutely fucking useless #elon musk #that piece of shit knows nothing

[godblooded]

just an fyi, and it feels like it needs to be said here: your blog is your own space and you should be able to say whatever the fuck you want. if you’re sad? vent. get sad. maybe put it under a cut, definitely tag it, but get sad. if you feel like you need someone to talk to? drop a freaking message about how you’re feeling like you could use a buddy, or anything randomly engaging. if you’re having a hard time, you should feel safe and okay to talk about it in your own space. we’re writers and we’re people and while there’s a lot to be said for how engagement outside of oneself is necessary in rp (and really really needs to improve), i think there’s a lot that must be said about people reaching out to others. it’s become so solitary here — the whole ‘reblog from source’ thing when it comes to shit like about and musings is absurd. the whole refusing to like things is ridiculous. yes, curate your space, that’s important, but curating your space into a studio apartment only you live in doesn’t make this a community anymore, it makes it a studio apartment you live in.

just be yourself here. do whatever you want. but i’m always saying: remember you’re not alone, and don’t let yourself feel that way.

#ooc. o kaptain. #[this is illogically worded and after an argument I’m already upset but I just felt like this has to be put here. it’s been sitting on my #brain for so long and it’s something i just wanted to discuss. the way the rpc has become not even an echo chamber just… a shitty ny #apartment only one person lives in that can fit your fridge and your bedroom in the same room. the way literal fandoms have divided each #other through nothing but massive senses of entitlement and so much gatekeepy fucking language. it’s exhausting to watch this happen #literally all because i have no idea where interaction went and yes I’ve been virtually inactive for months now but. it absolutely isn’t for #lack of trying to come back. it’s hugely due to a lack of interaction whenever I reach out and then the feeling like I’m being either #entertained or dismissed. this is a social space and we’re people and everybody just needs to recognize that. like. last week my introverted #broski started discussing how as he’s older he feels loneliness more tangibly but he hates people and i looked right at him and said …yeah #dude. that’s natural. we’re humans. we need each other to live. we need spaces we create and communities we make. but like. there need to be #interactive people in those spaces. we’re social creatures. i love you guys and this is a ramble but… it’s been on my mind awhile. and #frankly? feels kinda good to finally speak my mind.]

[solradguy]

This is the second time I have portrayed a woman who has nothing to do with the game, following the world view in the soundtrack. Personally, I like this kind of project theme that’s just on the edge of not being overly vulgar, and I hope that I can include this "slight thrill" in more of my work.

Original character designed for the Guilty Gear Series Best Collection soundtrack cover. Scan from Artworks of Guilty Gear X 2000-2007 by Daisuke Ishiwatari

#guilty gear #guilty gear x #daisuke ishiwatari #video game art #my scans #my translations #guilty gear scans #This was one of the few wide illustrations in this book so it was a pain to scan #Sorry her guitar got cut off a little :( It went into the gutter and I couldn't get a clean scan of all of it... #Daisuke's like 'yeah it's not too vulgar at all stickin ya hand in ya pants and palming your entire boob' #I hope 'ほんのりドキっ' does actually mean 'slight thrill' because I could find absolutely nothing about ドキっ in any of my dictionaries lol #The hiragana attached to katakana like that is messing me up but ドキ is like a heartbeat yeah? #So 'slight *heartbeating noise* is kinda like 'slight thrill'? #Anyway that was my thought process for that part #I use 3 dictionaries and none of them had ドキっ in them so I really just had to do my best with that line rofl #Well ok they had ドキ but none of the definitions really made any sense #It can mean earthenware. wrath. or season but none of those felt right at all #Ahhhhhhh Japanese......... #At least ほんのり was straightforward #(slightly/faintly) #suggestive cw #greatest hits