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wildernessuntothemselves · 7 years

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Ex’s & Oh’s

Word Count: 3.8k Author’s Note: This song is part of the song drabble game and it’s inspired by Ex’s and Oh’s by Elle King. However, it ended up taking a different tone than that of the song but I think it’s for the best. I feel like I’ve invariably made this a “How I think BTS would be like in dating and in bed” in fic form fml. Please don’t be offended by any negative portrayals of the boys, this is just a silly fic, don’t take it seriously. Oh, and there is a teeny bit of a twist at the end ;) You can read the first installment of the song drabble game by clicking on the following: Back To Black (Tae), It Will Come Back (Suga), Florida Kilos (Sana), and Je Suis Malade (Mina).

The situation you were in was absolutely ridiculous. You felt like you were in a really bad drama. The most cliche kind, but here you were in real life, your parents demanding that you find a suitable suitor or else you would be cut off from the family fortune. What kind of fucked up situation is that?

You couldn’t protest much. After all, you were an adult now, and you shouldn’t still be relying on your parents’ money. But the way you think of it is that your parents are extremely well off. You’ll inherit enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life, if not more, provided that you don’t have kids to waste your money on, and clearly, you weren’t planning to do that, not that you’d ever tell your parents, not until you absolutely have to anyway. So why toil through some thankless job and live your life in a constant state of misery and stress when you could just enjoy your life with the money you take from your parents?

And they were more than happy to oblige, saying that their money was made for you and your siblings anyway. But apparently, that money doesn’t come for free. There is a hefty price attached to it, your freedom. So much for unconditional parental love.

They say they’re doing it for you so that you wouldn’t spend your life alone. They’re not going to be by your side forever. Who’s going to take care of you when you’re sick? Blah blah blah.

They suggested finding a suitor for you if you didn’t want to do it yourself. Hah! as if you’d let them do that. You’re not a house cat they can pick and choose a mate for. No, you’re just going to have to find a guy you tolerate enough to marry. Maybe you’d make it clear to him that it’s just for show.

But no, then he might blackmail you and try to get some money out of it. You can’t do that.

Maybe when your parents find you “happily” dating someone they’d forfeit the marriage thing and let you be. Afterall, they said they wanted your happiness, and that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage.

You wouldn’t have agreed to this whole absurd situation if you weren’t thinking about it yourself already. You didn’t have the best track record when it comes to dating but you were at that age where all your friends were starting to get married one by one. You woke up one day and suddenly everyone else had their own lives and families and you were all alone. Watching your friends interact with their partners, the subtle touches, the meaningful gazes… they rekindled a need within you, and you found yourself wanting what they have.

You needed a man from a good family, someone charming and classy, someone your parents would eat up, and that’s why you chose Jin.

He was a parent’s wet dream. He hailed from an old and respected family, who were very well off themselves. He knew exactly the right way to act in every situation. Every action he did was graceful and every sentence strung beautifully. He was also his family’s only son, set to inherit the whole business and he was leading it like he already did.

For your part, he was total eye candy. Tall, dark, and handsome. If he had lived long enough in the past, you would have easily believed that prince charming was inspired by him. He knew how to treat a woman, always respectful and thoughtful. He opened doors for you, pulled back your chair, never let you exert yourself. In short, he completely pampered you.

And damn, those shoulders on him! When you were wrapped up in his arms, you believed that nothing could hurt you.

But as the days went by, you realized the nasty power of nostalgia. It can make shit look like chocolate through its rose tinted glasses. Prince charming only looked good in the past, but if you bring him to the present, he’s just another sexist asshole in beautiful packaging.

To say Jin was old fashioned would be an understatement. Yeah he never told you to clean the house and make him a sandwich, he had servants for that, but he believed that a woman had her place and a man had his, and they should never overlap. Any questions you had about his business, just to make conversation, just to ask how he’s been, were quickly brushed off with a metaphorical pat on the head and an unsaid “Look, she thinks she’s people.”

In almost everything, Jin treated you like a queen, but he belittled your intelligence and doubted your abilities. You never really cared about work anyway, but being told you can’t do it… that was unacceptable. You had the right to choose and you were just as smart as him, you just chose not to utilize it.

The final straw was when he casually mentioned taking over your part of the company when you get married and after your parents die. He said it so matter-of-fact, like there was no question about it, that you couldn’t stop yourself from throwing your drink at him. It was red wine too. Good luck getting that stain out, asshole. Nobody talks about your parents dying, nobody tells you what to do with your parents’ hard earned money.

Maybe insulting his vanilla sex life on your way out was a bit too much, but it felt so good. You hadn’t politely faked way too many orgasms in order not to bruise his inflated ego, just to deal with this shit. You’ll miss his dad jokes though. They were stupid but only in the most hilarious way.

You needed someone different. Someone who would be the complete opposite of Jin, and you found that person in Namjoon.

Namjoon was an example of a hard worker. He came from a middle-class family but that’s not where he’ll stay. He was destined for great things. No one could challenge his work ethic and no one could match wits with him.

He made you strive to be a better version of yourself. He encouraged you to care about your family’s legacy and not to squander their efforts like that. Late night talks with him were always revealing, making you discover aspects of yourself you never knew existed.

You wouldn’t expect such an illustrious man to be such a beast in bed but oh god he was. He was all daddy-like and dominating. Pinning you with his smoldering eyes and giving a smirk that shows just a hint of his dimples. He ordered you around and punished you when you misbehaved. You’d think after Jin’s domineering attitude you would be turned off from dominant men forever, but Namjoon knew just how to play you so you’d willingly submit, beg for it even.

He was the perfect specimen.

Sadly, you yourself were very flawed. You just couldn’t keep up with him. He demanded more out of you than you were willing to give. You were a lazy bitch, you knew it, and it would do you no good to pretend that you aren’t. It would only make you burn out. So you had to let him go, He deserved to find his superwoman who would rule the world by his side.

New money, you could smell it on him from a mile away. Still, he was a breath of fresh air after the grind that was your time with Namjoon.

Taehyung lived a life of luxury, compensating for all the things he was deprived of as a child. Gucci was his favorite brand, perhaps the only one he knew. He dressed himself in it from head to toe. His phone case was Gucci, hell even his socks were Gucci. Overkill, he reeked of it.

But he knew how to dress, unlike so many others like him. He had a peculiar fashion sense, but it somehow fit him. It might be because he had the visuals of a god. You suspected he could make a trash bag look fashionable.

If Namjoon was a beast in bed then this boy was a freak. He always came up with the most perverted stuff. Apparently, he had nothing to do with his time pre-fortune other than coming up with creative ways to fuck the girls who were throwing themselves at him even then. He had learned quite a few tricks in his time.

You’d began avoiding him when you knew he would want to have sex, not because you didn’t enjoy it, but because it was always so intense you felt like it would kill you.

Taehyung never spared anything on you, showering you with gifts, taking you out for dinner in places even you have never been to, taking you on impromptu vacations on his private jet. You’d began expecting him to invite you over for marshmallows toasted over a bonfire made from stacks of cash, or taking you golfing where the balls are made with fist-sized diamonds.

Nobody would ever call you stingy, but you felt like you would have a stroke from watching the amount of money he could blow in a single day. You tried talking to him about it multiple times, but he wouldn’t listen. He suffered to get this far and he was going to enjoy it. Nevermind that by this rate he’d run through his entire fortune, and yours too if you marry him, soon enough. He was too blinded by the glamorous life to care.

Well, you weren’t going to marry someone just to have him spend your money for you. As for Taehyung, he was getting tired of you avoiding him, and soon enough you caught him in bed with not one but two women at the same time.

Caught is a strong word, it wasn’t like he was trying to hide it. To him, it was just another thing he could buy with his money.

You didn’t stick around long after that, but you didn’t leave without making sure to “accidentally” smash his favorite, really expensive camera.

You were done with business men, they were too jaded. You needed someone who hasn’t witnessed enough of the world to lose all hope in it.

Optimism lies personified in Hoseok. He’s truly an admirable person. He has dedicated his life helping kids growing up in less than ideal situations, channel their anger and fear into dancing. He was the reason a lot of these kids were still with one foot firmly in this world. He always knew what to do and what to say to make someone’s day. You must have saved a country in your past life to get someone like him to notice you.

He didn’t have a lot of confidence in himself but to you he was beautiful. His smile lit up the world, a contrast to his eyes that held a profound sadness you were scared to touch but that made him human and not the angel you sometimes mistake him for.

There was an intensity in his love-making that was reminiscent of his dancing in the way that they were the only aspects of his life where he was one hundred percent honest with himself. The emotional aspect of it touched you in ways that sometimes freaked you out, but that made the orgasms all the more soul-shaking.

His voice was raspy in the most soothing ways. Your favorite time of day was the early minutes of every morning he’d spend gearing you up to face the world ahead of you. He said the silliest things, things you’d roll your eyes at if they were said by anyone else, but he made them sound reasonable.

Until they didn’t. He dealt with every problem the same way, no matter its magnitude, as if every problem could be fixed with a smile and an unfounded belief that things will get better. Which was the cause of endless one-sided arguments with him, where you’d try to get him to be more proactive and he’d smile and nod then repeat to you one of his many feel good quotes.

You later realize that his optimistic attitude was more for his sake than anyone else’s. If he lives by it long enough then maybe he’d believe it. Fake it till you make it.

You tried to get him to open up. Knock down his brightly painted walls and get to the root of the problem but he resisted with all his might. You don’t know what exactly you would have done if he had actually let you in, you sensed that whatever was behind his sad eyes was way out of your scope. You tried anyway but you guess you’ll never know because soon after that he broke up with you.

You were disrupting his bubble.

To hell with dreamers. What this day and age requires is a man rooted firmly in fact.

Despite being a musician, Yoongi wasn’t the least bit inclined to their fanciful ways. he was a tell-it-like-it-is kind of person while still seeming to possess a secret key to an endless supply of creative genius.

With Yoongi, you learned for the first time the meaning of comfortable silence. You didn’t have to compulsively fill every pause in conversation with mindless chatter to avoid the creeping insecurity it inspires. You learned how to be partners and not other halves. You both lived your own independent lives that you shared together.

Yoongi was a man of few words but that only made the times he spoke truly count. He loved sharing his music with you. You could see that your wide eyed admiration really got to him. It made all his hard work seem worth it.

Yoongi came from a harsh background. He sacrificed so much for his craft. He gave it his all, and so seeing the woman he loves be so enamored with it felt like a divine reward.

He often bragged about his ‘tongue technology’ on his mixtapes, and you were blessed to know that this wasn’t only restricted to his rapping. Rumors about his laziness were completely unfounded when he could spend hours eating you out. His style of love-making was languid and easy going, not because he lacked the energy to go harder but simply because he loved to take his time and savor the moment.

To no one’s surprise, Yoongi eventually found success. Some would say he sold out, you knew better, but it still didn’t stop you from throwing those insults at him. With his newfound success, there was simply no time to spend on you. Even those comfortable silences you so enjoyed became too distracting for him because of your uncontrollable tendency to talk. Who could blame you? It was the only time you got to see him anymore.

In the end, you had to give him an ultimatum: Either he finds a way to spend a little bit of time with you or you part ways. You could see the pain in his eyes, but he was too good of a man to continue this relationship when he knew it would only be hurting you.

Yoongi taught you the meaning of 'The One That Got Away’.

You vowed to yourself that you’d never again love someone who wasn’t going to put you first.

Jimin loved in excess. He contained so much love in his tiny body enough for two people. He was a veritable teddy bear, the protagonist of a K-drama. Always writing you little love notes, bringing you thoughtful little gifts for no other reason than his happiness to have you around. He was incredibly considerate, no down, no matter how slight, was missed by him, and he made sure to never leave you upset by anything in the world.

Jimin was a true switch. He fit the role of a dominant, submissive, and everything in between perfectly. There was never a dull moment with him. He knew just how to mix it up. And that ass was sculpted by the gods. You’d often catch yourself staring at it like a hormonal teenager.

You never were a much of a fan of kissing, to the derision of all your friends, but you had a newfound passion for it with Jimin, a late awakening. He had the softest, most sweet lips of anyone who has ever existed, and you took the chance to kiss them every chance you got.

Jimin taught you the importance of communicating your feelings. He never left anything unsaid. And maybe that’s why the cracks in your relationship came to light much sooner than it would otherwise have. You see, for Jimin it was all or none, and he demanded the same of his partners. You gave him your all until you had nothing left to give but you still came up woefully lacking. He ran you dry. You just didn’t possess the amount of love he did. You’d come to know that some people just felt everything more strongly.

Unfortunately, for Jimin, he couldn’t tell the difference between that and you not loving him. He just couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea that not everyone was made like him. How could he possibly fathom your dearth of emotions when he himself had so much.

You weren’t sure who ended it. He who was convinced that you were withholding your love from him, or you who were beginning to think that there was really something wrong with you.

Jungkook was a desperate move on your part, you admit it, but he was a sweet guy, incredibly funny and smoking hot, smart and perseverant. He still retained much of the vigor of childhood in him and he taught you to let loose, to not rush yourself into old age yet. He made you feel connected to the world.

When that boy set his mind to something, he let nothing distract him, and that trait extended into the bedroom. He made it his mission to learn where all your buttons were and how to push them. He was insatiable. His eyes twinkled with mischief and he loved nothing more than to tease. Unpenetrable patience was the inevitable side effect of being with him.

Jungkook was a Jack of all trades, master of none. He was eternally flaky. And despite sometimes seeming to possess a level of maturity beyond his years, he was still a young adult after all, and you weren’t prepared to place your bets on him, just for him to decide he actually wants something else.

He took it badly. You now realize that you might have been his first heartbreak. Even though you were sad for him, and for yourself, you didn’t feel too guilty. Everyone needs a first heartbreak. He’ll learn much from it, about himself and about others.

You appreciated the time you had with every single one of them and treasured everything they taught you, keeping it close to heart and making use of it to live your life to the fullest. But in the end, you were back to square one.

Your parents had witnessed it all, all the heartbreak you had experienced and caused, and they had since forfeited their order. But what use was it when you have already tasted love and now yearned for it?

Maybe you really weren’t destined for it, after all, you muse as you shift your eyes around the meeting you were currently in and obviously paying no attention to. A pair of eyes catch yours, a stunning gorgeous pair of eyes that belong to an even more beautiful face. The face smirking at you from across the table is a familiar one. It belongs to an employee of a company you were doing business with.

The woman was alluring, to say the least. You always listened to her when she talked, everyone did, that’s why you weren’t listening today, she was silent, but she was apparently observing you. For how long, you didn’t know. Your face heats up. You hope you didn’t have a derp face on while you were zoning out, the last thing you want to do is to embarrass yourself in front of her.

She was the perfect woman. Smart, accomplished, confident, sexy, assertive, and ambitious. God, she intimidated you. You both loved and hated attending these meeting with her. You were always self-conscious around her, but you risked humiliation just to be near her and hear her unique voice once a week.

She raises an eyebrow at you and you realize you’ve been staring. God, why were you such an embarrassment to yourself! You put your cold hands on your cheeks, trying to soothe the flames contained in them.

Thankfully the meeting ends, and you get up and attempt to make a run for it, and hopefully, you’ll regroup and be prepared for next week’s challenge… but a voice stops you in your tracks.

You scrunch your face, cursing your legs for not being more agile, then turn around towards her, offering her your best smile, trying to undo everything that happened in the last fifteen minutes with it. “Yes, Miss Kim?”

“Oh, you make me sound so old. Call me Hyuna, and I’ll call you ___. Deal?”

The sound of your name on her lips makes your knees turn to jelly and you hang onto the door to stop them from buckling.

“Deal.” You squeak, then clear your throat. “I noticed you didn’t say anything today. I normally look forward to your remarks and speeches. They’re very helpful. You’re very smart.” You babble, suddenly finding the doorknob very interesting.

To your surprise, she doesn’t tease you or make a snide remark about you saying you look forward to listening to her talk. Instead, she laughs sweetly and gushes, “You think so? It’s such an honor to hear that from the daughter of such an influential businessman.”

“Oh, that’s only my father’s work. I really know nothing about the business. It’s all him and my siblings.” You shrink back, ashamed.

“Hey, look at me.” Hyuna coaxes, and when you look up you’re startled to see her standing only a few inches away from you. “You’re capable of great things. I can see it in you. You just need to find something you’re passionate about.”

You flush, looking down and whispering, “Thank you.”

“And the first step to do that,” Hyuna says, lifting your chin up to look at her, “Is to never be afraid to look anyone in the eyes.”

You smile, but can’t really follow her order when she is biting her lip so enticingly. You shake your head and muster up every kind of strength left in your shaky body to say, “Hey, we have a cafeteria here on the third floor. It’s horrible, the worst coffee you’ll ever taste but, um, would you like to go down for a cup anyway?”

Her eyes light up in a way that screams 'Finally’. Or maybe you were just imagining it, but she smiles and says, “I’d love to.”

Author’s Note: This was written with the help of some great ideas from my lovely readers. It's really different than anything I’ve done before. I hope you guys liked it. Any kind of review is greatly welcomed.

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marlaalcott · 7 years

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I'm going to make a post about OCD.

Let's start with some very very basic background story on my OCD. I have struggled with this illness for a long time. I can trace it back to as early as age 9/10. I have no recollection whether it existed beforehand, but even as a child I could recognize that I was doing things that didn't feel "normal" without rationalized/logical explanation. I felt overwhelming compulsions to carry out the actions.

In retrospect, the earliest symptoms that I can recall aligned with the period of my life that my brother was in a near fatal car accident (that's a whole other emotional post in itself). Irregular thoughts and actions for sure started at that point.

I don't know precisely what age this began, or if it existed before said car accident, but I also remember having hoarding tendencies for useless inanimate objects. I shared a bedroom with my brother, and in it we had these 2 dressers that were stacked on top of each other (we didn't have a lot of space). The open area/gap that existed between the dressers became a storage place for me. I used to put a lot of stuff in there. Most of it was useless crap. For example: I remember saving wrappers from Spice Girl bubblegum and lollipops.

There was also a time in my early teens that I used to save transit tickets. I legit was able to pick up any given transfer, look at the time and date, and remember exactly where I went and who I was with. They held sentiment and served as keepsakes.

Fast forward through my mid teenage years. I seemed to have fought off my illness for the most part during this period. By the time I met my life partner in my late teens, he described my outwardly strange actions as nothing more than "quirks". Yes. He agreed that some of the stuff I did seemed strange, but not outright crazy.

In my early 20's I had a full on OCD crash. The illness litterally consumed my entire existence. The 2 people who were closest to me watched and stood by as my sanity crumbled like the Roman Empire. I was lost. I was a shell of myself. It was rock bottom at that point in my life. My own personal hell. Something I would never wish on anyone. I strongly believe this was also the catalyst for the demise of my romantic relationship. My illness drove away the one person I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. And that fucking sucks. (More on that another day!).

Anyways. Let's fast forward to the present. I have tried my best to keep it under wraps the best that I can since way back then. It comes and goes varying severity, but luckily it hasn't been anything nearly as bad as back then. I battle it every waking moment of my existence.

Now let's speed up to the past few days. An incident took place Monday night/into Tuesday, that I'm not OK with. I entered into it willingly. Nothing "wrong" happened per se, but fuck if I felt anything but wrong afterwards. Here's some more back story to my current life and the situation at hand. I have spent the past year and a half living in denial of my still existent love for my ex. He broke up with me last May, and we have had nothing short of a rocky road since. We are 2 puzzle pieces that no longer fit together (there will be numerous posts on the topic of my heartache in the future). Not too long after we split, I had a sexual encounter that I consider non consensual. I refuse to classify it as r*pe due to the intense ramifications of that definition, but what took place was certainly not OK. To say the least. (Side note, that guy is a douchebag). I didn't handle the aftermath of that incident well. I made an effort to seek the help that I needed, but it fell through due to horrible management who denied my request to go to hospital emergency (because y'know. My 4 hour shift in a part time retail environment was the most important thing in the world!). Ugh.

Time carried on, and I fought through each passing day with mounting hurt and emotional trauma that stemmed from the devastation of the loss of a marriage (essentially), and then the non consensual scenario. Somehow I've made it through the last year running from all of this fuckery.

Yesterday a snippet of the buried trauma came creeping back in. I turned to 4 of my close friends for consoling. It was needed. I gained 4 different insights to try and put the situation into perspective. At the end of the day the most important questions were "Why do I feel guilty?" "Why do I have so much anxiety?" "Why do I feel "icky/dirty"?" The shitty thing is that I couldn't answer any of these questions with any amount of definitive clarity.

I have learned a few things though: I am NOT ready for sexual relations with any new human beings. As it turns out, I value sex as more of a sacred and spiritual connectiveness act than I previously thought I did. My heart and body still metaphorically belong to someone else (even though in reality they are MINE). I also believe that I need to be in love and part of an established relationship before I can consider engaging in any sexual acts. I need a foundation.

I didn't get any sleep Monday night. (Half an hour in and out consciousness if I'm lucky). But fuck if my OCD didn't kick my ass. My primary struggles are "contamination" oriented, coupled with magical thinking (I'll make a separate post with a more in depth definition of magical thinking). When those 2 are combined, you get me as a result! And God damn it is hell on earth.

Here's what happened. And I don't expect anyone to understand any of this (unless you have OCD as well).

I came home and headed straight into my room (as I usually do) to remove my boots and socks. My dogs came to greet me and tried to give me kisses, but I denied said kisses because I didn't want "oral sex germs" on my babies. I headed into the shower, got out, and then continued to commence my usual after shower routine. Here's where shit started to hit the fan. I grabbed a cotton pad and sprayed my toner onto it to wipe my face, and BAM. Magical thinking contamination OCD brain kicked in! I thought to myself "I haven't brushed my teeth yet. The inside of my mouth is still contaminated. What if the cotton pad spread those still existent germs onto my clean face?". I tried to ignore my irrational concerns and carried on. I applied moisturizer and the rest of my face products, put hair product in my hair, deodorant on the pits, I peed, then I exited the bathroom and got dressed. When I was done all that I acquired my toothbrush and brought it back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished brushing, I broke down. I used hand soap to rewash my entire face, but I couldn't shake the feelings that my face was contaminated. So back into the shower I went! 2 showers. 2 FUCKING SHOWERS. FML. And when I got out the second time, I had a hard time believing that I even brushed my teeth to begin with (yay magical thinking brain for being able to convince myself of untruths!). I got through it all and went out to see a friend, but when I got home my anxiety was still fucked and I felt unsafe in my bed.

I got lots of MUCH NEEDED sleep, but I still felt "scared" of my bedding when I woke up. That fear did not diminish with the sleep. Remember how I said I took off my boots when I got home? Yeah. My "dirty" clothes touched my bedding. *Gasp*

I was supposed to see a couple of close friends today, but she had to cancel. So I succumbed to my OCD! I full spiraled. Like I did years ago. I legitimately felt my brain unraveling into that same insanity. I recognized this place. I have been there before. And my biggest fear is falling right off the rails again.

After I was cancelled on, I didn't know what to do with myself or my day. I was also emotionally worked up and anxious, because I had just looked at my exes Facebook page (this is a form of self harm for me. Seeing his public flirtations with his new love interest, is more than I can handle at this time in my life). So into the wash half of my bedding goes! And then I hopped back into the shower, sat down, and cried under the running hot water while asking higher powers to help me. All in all I have rewashed bedding that was already cleaned not even a week ago along with some clothing (clothing that included what I wore into the hotel Monday night), and showered twice. Totally unnecessary, but fuck. At least I feel calmer.

I think my OCD is coming back into play as a control mechanism. My ex is building a new life for himself along with a new partner, and it's my mind's way of easing itself. Everything is falling apart (hopefully to eventually come back together), and my illness is resurfacing in attempts to regain some kind of power. (I'm scared of my toothbrush btw).

I believe suppressed feelings of my non consensual sexual encounter from last year also resurfaced yesterday. Disclaimer: This incident was with someone I know and trust. It wasn't "wrong", but it felt wrong for me. I am NOT someone who can do the whole NSA/FWB thing. I learned about myself!

The guy I was with even made a few comments along the way of being concerned about my fragility. Turns out, he was right! I guess he knows aspects of myself better than I even do. :(

Today was a huge OCD failure. I NEED a psychiatrist referral. I don't want to go back to my dark place.

#mental illness #ocd

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