#cleaninaoutmycloset

[independent-eljey]

16/03/2018

I feel awful, angry, unimportant. I feel like yelling and lying in bed, rolled up and clutching my knees or sth. Why , why , why the hell like this? I hate everyone right now.

- Hey, me. I am sure you didn’t yell and cry in bed that day. I don’t really remember but I am sure of it. You don’t allow yourself be weak -or more precisely what you think is weak - you are not allowed to cry unless there is a solid reason- apparently you being just sad is not enough. So I want to tell you - Yell, Cry, Get mad, Get angry, Let out your negative emotions, so you can feel at ease.

Frankly I am having a bit of difficult time too. You know how sensitive we are towards the subject called parents. So it’s still making me sad, angry, frustrated but I can not really talk to them.I need to find some way out, because all the emotions that all the untold words keep inside me are killing me.

#cleaninaoutmycloset #cleaningoutmycloset #my diary #personal demons #personal thoughts #personal #talking #talkin to myself

[independent-eljey]

14/04/2019

I hate what I did to myself when I was “with” him. Several days ago I was thinking and I caught myself thinking that all these was his his fault, I caught myself lying...it was not his fault. It was the result of my poor judgment. If I consider myself smart, and I do, I should have understood, should have acknowledged that I didn’t let go of him, because I didn’t want to be alone, not because I loved him so much. It was nice to have someone to text and to “love”, [to have someone ]who “loved me back. But really it came down to my arrogance, jealousy, unwillingness to be alone, wanting to be needed... so all really comes to my feelings , my needs in general and not particular people...

-this was when I started to face the reality little by little. When I tried not to lie to myself anymore and taking responsibility for my happiness and wellness. Since that day many moons have passed and I have gone through many ups and downs, probably more ro come, but seeing and reading that I was honest with myself, makes me hopeful for my future peace and maybe even happiness.

#personal #personal thoughts #cleaninaoutmycloset #my diary #the dark days #hopeful #talkin to myself #my thoughts #my projects

[independent-eljey]

07/03/2017

... I want to give up so much! I want to stop trying ... infact stop PRETENDING as if I’m trying. I am one big loser. I’ll never really be a happy person. I’m perfectly aware of this. ... I’m the type of person who can never be happy because she wants more than she deserves...

- I would love to be able to time travel right now , go back to this day and hug you. I want you -my old self- to know that you are good, and kind and pretty and smart. You deserve everything you are dreaming of and you will get them. I, here, from the year 2022, I am on my way towards my dreams. I am not gonna lie- it’s still difficult, it’s still painful and still rough. But we are moving forward, step by step, it’s gonna be okay, or more precisely we are going to make it okay, moreover we are gonna make it wonderful.

I don’t remember this particular day, I don’t even know - maybe nothing happened. All I know from my diary is that I was feeling horrible and it just sucked. It still sucks sometimes. Maybe not as bad as it used to be , but you and me - both and other “me”-s in every timeperiod need to learn to love , respect and value ourself. I got a mantra now. I am going to keep repeating it until these words are deep in my brain. So you (or I) will not go through that kind of The Dark Days.

You are smart, you are pretty, You are gifted. You need to work hard and you will achieve all your goals. I love you.

#personal #cleaninaoutmycloset #personal thoughts #my diary #talkin to myself #depression #overcoming depression #the dark days #mantra

[independent-eljey]

05.06.2015

...most important - I can’t take pain ... I want regular steady life with no ups and downs...

Little did I know that there is no life without ups and downs. And there is no way to separate private and personal life. Life is whole. Life is one. Life is painful.

#cleaninaoutmycloset #personal #personal thoughts #my diary #life #life is pain

[independent-eljey]

Cleanin' Out My Closet - III

31/05/2016

- I have so many doubts which  I can’t really share ... I am hopeless. I can’t learn anything. 

#my dairy #personal #personal thoughts #cleaninaoutmycloset #doubts #past #my projects

[independent-eljey]

Cleanin' Out My Closet - II

27/11/2015

- Sometimes I feel so angry, that... so bad for feeling angry. I am so confused. Don’t even know what to feel and what to do.

#personal thoughts #my diary #my projects #cleaninaoutmycloset #personal #feelings

[independent-eljey]

New Project - Cleanin' Out My Closet

So...I am in a middle of transforming my life. or maybe not quite in the middle but lets say 2/5 of the way I have passed. So I want to leave the bad stuff behind. The new hardships, that I am going to face willingly in order to have the free and independent life , the life I desire, in the future, needs more space in my mind and heart. I know its sounds a bit weird.

The way I have chosen will be so much more difficult than I can imagine. I already know that. So I have come to conclusion that I need to ease up my past baggage in order to be able to add new ones later on. So I am starting new project , I call it Cleanin' Out My Closet and I am gonna write down small parts from my old dairies, let my old emotions and thoughts out.

At least that is my plan

#my diary #personal #cleaninaoutmycloset #newproject