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sheislegend23 · 6 years

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10.21.18

Here it goes:: the topic today is PCOS.

PCOS means polycystic ovarian syndrome. There are a lot of things that you can google, but I am going to be talking about my own personal journey and what that means for me now in this moment in time. There’s TMI in here, but reading personal accounts has helped me broaden my mind and knowledge and has certainly helped me realize I’m not alone in my struggles.

First thing you should know is that while some little girls plan their weddings, I planned baby names. I used to say I wanted as many children as I could, and I have ALWAYS wanted to have a family of my own.

Body wise, I was healthy and “normal” until I was about 8 or 9 years old. I slowly gained weight and got “husky”, but nothing to be terribly concerned about. By 12, I was obese. I didn’t get my first period until I was 16, which some say is just being a late bloomer, but in my case was probably the beginning effects of PCOS.

At 11, my parents divorced and my dad and I went off our own way. We had a huuuge learning curve, and I remember eating spaghetti with sauce (and when that ran out - butter) for weeks at a time until he got paid again because spaghetti was cheap, cheap, cheap. We moved again and again and readjusted our lifestyle over and over so we would never have to go back to those rough days, but that period of time was when I went from “husky” to obese.

I hated my body and didn’t understand why eating what was presented as “healthy” as a child wasn’t helping me. At 14, I started dance classes and later tried out and made my high school drill teams. All the dancing and cardio didn’t help my waistline. I didn’t let anyone’s mean comments or my fat body stop me from dancing, which inspired some and repulsed others. I didn’t have regular periods which I chalked up to being so active and fat at the same time. A stressed out body could possibly decide that’s not the best place for a baby to grow, right??

Enter adulthood. Here’s a few things I learned::

1.) Bread is NOT healthy. My mother drilled in my head that bread is good for you and could be a good anytime healthy snack as well as something you HAD to eat at least twice a day. Not sure where she got that information because, especially with my body type, starch and carbs are the enemy. I didn’t learn this til much later, I will alert when it is time.

2.) I have ADD. Specifically, ring of fire ADD (NOT ADHD) which helped explain why I am patient and extremely slow to anger, but once I’m angry, just back off and let me blow off my steam to cool down again. I thought it was because I’m southern. This diagnosis was at the age of 19.

3.) I have PCOS. The doctor I went to perhaps had good intentions, but conveyed very incorrect information and can give you, the reader, a glimpse at how one obese patient was given said info.

At my first OBGYN appointment, she told me that with 95% accuracy, I definitely had PCOS. She glanced over what that meant, but then came to the part she grilled me on - my weight. My weight was most likely causing the PCOS so if I could just stop eating bad and go exercise, I could probably reverse the effects and have a normal body again. I explained that I had danced for years and hadn’t eaten that terribly since I had had to at 12, and she said that I simply must not have been exercising hard enough and eating too much. Insert a HUUUGE eye roll here because as any drill team alum know, it’s plenty.

The real troubling thing came next when I talked about my want for a family in the future. She looked at me very gravely and said that my chances for conception are extremely slim, and if I ever did successfully conceive and didn’t miscarry, I would need to quit my job and stay at home and never be stressed for the whole 9 months because I would be at a very high risk of miscarriage up until the baby came out. Also, “don’t get attached to the first one” because I will likely lose it. Reminder:: A REAL DOCTOR TOLD ME THIS. AT 19. For real.

Her solution: birth control. I was very weary of all types of female birth control because there are a lot of side effects. I took them for a few months, and then stopped.

I don’t hold any ill will towards her, but I later found out that that information is VERY incorrect. My journey however has included believing that lie until 2 years ago.

Shortly after that, I found out I had ADD, so I started taking adderall. I took a high dose because my fat body would absorb it, and when friends or whoever would ask my dosage and I’d tell them, they were horrified and assured me that my heart would definitely explode and they were surprised I wasn’t already dead as a door nail. That’s the problem with opinions, it’s all very personally based. They weren’t thinking of MY fat body at all.

The adderall worked wonders. I could concentrate! I could multitask! I stopped making so many dang piles! Mostly, I stopped eating. I ate regular or smaller meals at “regular” times in the day and if I skipped something, it didn’t matter because I was definitely not hungry.

On weekends, sometimes I would want a break. So I wouldn’t take my adderall and I’d sleep and sleep and sleep and then binge eat and go right back to sleep. My roommates were worried but I felt so healed and cleansed with all that sleep, I wasn’t worried at all.

I grew skinnier and skinnier, and my PCOS symptoms had began to disappear. I was having regular periods, I wasn’t growing hair in weird places, and BY GOD, I could cross my legs like a proper southern belle. Everyone was soooo proud. I was proud, my family, my friends. Everyone from high school was wondering, “how did she do it?!?” My self confidence grew, and for the first time in my life, I started dating.

One day, I met the man who would be my husband. We both expressed our want of children which raised a big ole question:: how could I treat my ADD without adderall? I was scared because I knew what being on adderall is like and what not being on it is like, and my identity as an adult had revolved around and relied on it. If I stopped the medicine, I would get fat again! I was just about to get into single digit clothing, I was beautiful, and yet, I knew I had to stop.

I couldn’t think of any good time to stop, so I just did cold turkey. I was ridiculously tired for 2 weeks, and then I started to feel normal again. Sure enough, I started gaining weight again, eating a lot more, etc etc. I had my soulmate, so it didn’t seem like such a bad deal, but it was depressing nonetheless. The cringes on faces when they saw my weight regain was painful, talks about “what happened to you???” stung, and I felt so ashamed.

Insert that number 1 revelation, bread is BAD. Bad, bad, bad. I learned all about processed foods, and tried the keto diet. It worked and I lost a little bit of weight, but it was unrealistic for long term. Once you’re off keto, all that weight springs back on you, and so it did.

After our marriage, I was off insurance for some time and when I got back on, I was put on metformin for my A1C. My day to day numbers are fine, but my A1C number was ridiculously high. It’s under control now, and we are looking to the next step.

I have researched PCOS and here is the real kicker:: it makes it hard to lose weight but if you could just lose weight, it would get the symptoms under control. However, one of the symptoms is that it is hard to lose weight. It’s a great big freakin’ circle. I’m not talking “stop eating bread” hard. I’m talking “don’t even think about looking at carbs” hard. The only thing that helped was dropping all carbs and then I got yelled at for a non balanced diet. IT’S FRUSTRATING!

Here’s my plan:: cut out things in baby steps.

Step 1:: no more drinking my sugar intake. Proud to say, I have completed this step. This is one southern woman who drinks UNsweet iced tea and water only, please.

Step 2:: no more fast food. Still working on this one, it’s so easy and yummy but I have cut it to once a week.

Step 3:: no more junk food.

Step 4:: healthy meals only.

The scary thing is that the help for conception is all very expensive. The words of my previous OBGYN keep swimming through my head. I struggle to force myself to go to baby showers because while I am thrilled for my friend and their new little one, I am envious and that is an ugly color. Every time I see a child that’s been abused, it makes me tear up because I would love to adopt a child and love them to pieces. Adoption isn’t an option for us sadly due to things out of our hands (still looking into this, but the process of adoption of American children is hard and expensive), but the thought still hurts.

God wouldn’t put such a strong desire for having children in my heart if I wasn’t meant to have any, right?

I hope that anyone who got this far will remember this:: a lot of this struggle was silent as it was happening. I certainly know that if given the choice, I would have the correct BMI for my height. I didn’t choose this struggle, and unkind words make it harder to shoulder. As the Beatles say, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Thanks to those who have supported me and let me vent to them about these struggles, and for those who have been with me as I navigate my way into the future.

#pcos #polycystic ovarian syndrome #attention defecit #fat #fat women #lose weight #goals #bodypositivity #struggle #infertility #pcoscysters #obesity

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ask-bohemian-ilse · 6 years

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the oversharing asks:

[an: trigger warnings for mentions of drug abuse, sexual aassault, and self-harm/suicide.]

1. who hurt you the most? • i really can't pin that down. if i had to choose based on how much pain i was in at the time, i guess i would say heinrich. it's like getting a rug pulled out from under you when someone offers you shelter and turns out to be just as mad as the rest of the artists.

2. who have you hurt the most? • i can't answer with complete certainty, but i think that i hurt moritz the most in the past.  3. who do you miss the most? • haven't seen melchior in a good day or two. i don't miss him in the way that it hurts, but i do miss him in the way that i want to hang out with him again soon.  4. who do you want out of your life the most? • every time i see a painting hanging up done by heinrich, i gag. technically, he's out of my life, but he's still out there, you know?  5. who had the biggest positive impact on you? • georg, and i can't talk about all he's done for me enough. seriously. i have serious doubts i’d be answering your questions right now if it weren't for all he's done for me.  6. who had the biggest negative impact on you? • my parents.  7. who do you wish you could be honest with? • almost all of my friends, truly. i keep way too much to myself.  8. who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards? • again, this would be nearly all of my friends — but to name the ones that stick out as having been very intense emotions, it would be moritz, thea, melchior, and martha.  9. who would the world be better off without? • whoever invented taco bell.  10. who do you wish you’d treated differently? • martha. i should've spoken to her, in the past. things could've been better.  11. what was the worst day of your life? • oh, god. i’ll go with the day i was kicked out.

12. what’s your greatest fear? • that nobody will ever love me in a way equal to the way they love “"the one”, you know? that i’m unloveable, even. that people will just tire of me one day.  13. what’s your biggest insecurity? • i’m insecure about everything surrounding my body.

14. what’s your biggest regret? • doing cocaine. seriously, don't do it. it’ll fuck you over for life.

15. describe your ideal world. • it’d be alive with gardens and fauna and warm, sunny weather. i’d never feel like i was sleepwalking through life ever again. people wouldn't be so cruel, as stupid as that sounds.  16. describe your personal hell. • priapia. and loneliness.   17. what’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to? • i really try not to think any dreams are hopeless. i want them to be...possible, plausible, tangible, even. but if i am to be honest with myself, the dream that i could ever fully...become like a normal, healthy girl, i guess.  18. what’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been? • every single time i get super wasted and georg is there to witness it. always embarrassing as hell.  19. what’s the angriest you’ve ever been? * i was so, so, so angry when i was put in jail. they didn't even recognize me. that was the most upsetting part. i'd become so unlike the girl in the missing person picture that the police didn't even recognize, or care, about who i was. i was beyond mad. they couldn't even help me.  20. what’s the saddest you’ve ever been? * i'm a bit sad all the time, but the saddest i've ever been in my life...the night i walked away from moritz. i couldn't stop crying. it wasn't all about him, either — everything just piled up. it was suffocating.  21. what’s the most scared you’ve ever been? * when heinrich pressed that gun against my chest. i thought i was going to die. i was absolutely terrified.  22. what’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt? * there was a period of time between getting kicked out and finding priapia where i was really, truly lost. i can't describe to you how hopeless i was. i had no money, no shelter, nothing. it was awful.  23. what’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt? * right after i got bailed out and ran away from priapia. i was pretty under the influence, and it just made me panic even more. i just needed to get out of there.  24. what’s the bravest you’ve ever felt? * this might sound a bit depressing, but i've never felt very brave.  25. what’s the best case scenario for your future? * living long enough to at least get out of high school  26. what’s the worst case scenario for you future? * ending up like everybody thinks i will  27. what’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt? * have you ever been stuck in an oven and then been taken intimately? awful.  28. what’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt? * once, in my year of disappearance, i checked the statements from friends and family on the library computer. it hurt, but i'm not sure why. the statements were so general, but god...  29. describe a time you felt like a hypocrite. * every time i tell people to take care of themselves.  30. describe a time you felt like a traitor. * if there's one thing i feel i've never been, it's a traitor.  31. describe a time you felt like a hero. * playing pirates in the woods, when we were children.  32. describe a time you felt inhuman. * in priapia. i wasn't a human being there.  33. describe a time you felt like a failure. * this feelings occurs more often then you'd probably believe. a lot of times, when i start going back to old habits, i feel like i'm failing the people around me.  34. what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? *  35. what are you proudest of? * the fact that i'm here right now. that i'm still alive. that makes me insanely proud.  36. what’s your relationship with your family like? * my biological family? fucked over. i don't want them in my life. my family now? better than i could've ever dreamed.  37. what’s your relationship with religion like? * religion scares me. it makes me feel...rather terrible, as a person. if i were to still consider myself a christian, i'd be going to hell for all i've done. it feels so cold. very unforgiving. i'm not strongly attached to it.  38. talk about someone you’ve lost. * technically, i've lost both of my parents, but i'd rather not discuss that in depth.  39. talk about someone who abandoned you. * i wouldn't say they abandoned me. that's a harsh word. but it felt like my friends just...stopped caring when i left. none of them wanted to end up like me, so i was just a ghost to them. there wasn't anybody looking for ilse.  40. talk about a desire you have that scares you. * anytime i ever feel anything close to sexual desire, it can be...scary, i guess. i thought i was incapable of it for so long. turns out, i'm not. but it's scary. (nobody write me an essay, i don't need one.  41. what’s something you wish you were capable of? * moving on! everybody wants me to, i want me to, but it just...it's like a barrier keeps it from happening.  42. what’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of? * leaving everything behind without warning again. just disappearing. i'm scarily good at it.  43. describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into. * one with parents who loved me.  44. describe your worst heartbreak. * my heart breaks at least once a week over both small and big events — you're asking the wrong person!  45. describe your worst disappointment. * i don't know. i try to avoid being disappointed by others, considering i probably disappoint them all the time.  46. have you ever taken a fall for someone? * sure have.  47. have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you? * yes. modeling is a cruel business.  48. have you ever done serious physical harm to someone? * no.  49. have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone? * god, i really hope i haven't...  50. have you ever self-harmed? * not purposefully  51. have you ever attempted suicide? * no.  52. have you ever stolen something? * yes.  53. have you ever cheated on someone? * no.  54. have you ever been cheated on? * no.  55. have you ever taken revenge on someone? * no, but i've dreamed of it.  56. have you ever seriously considered killing somone? * yes.

57. have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you? * yes.

58. have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable? * YES.

#//drugs #//sexual assault #//suicide #//self-harm

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xurkitips · 6 years

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When Life Gives You Hellbrain...

Y’know what sucks? Depression. Y’know what sucks even more? Depression: Hard Mode. Also known as: coping with the fact that you’re tired and feel like garbage all the time without any medication or other help to combat the constant exhaustion and wallowing in sadness.

I’ve been battling this miserable hellbrain of mine since I was around thirteen, when I first noticed being inexplicably upset/self-hating, tired, and unable to enjoy things that used to make me happy.

Now I never got diagnosed back then, and didn’t until about a month ago, but it was absolutely a very real, ongoing issue that I regularly had to deal with. I’m twenty-four at the time of writing; so that’s about eleven years right there of brain gross. That, coupled with the joys of anxiety, made for a wonderful stew of hellbrain.

Much of that time was a massive struggle. However, going into adulthood I started to find, try, and utilize some healthy coping mechanisms. They may or may not work for you, but these are tried and true for me:

Physical exercise

This sounds like the worst idea ever. Why go do stuff when you feel like crap? But hear me out, it can help.

Sometimes in my low moods and depressive spells, I would be stewing in awful hellthoughts about myself, my future, stress from chaotic situations, school, etc. And as I would lay there wallowing in filth I’d be compelled to just sit in bed all day and not move.

In the warmer months from spring to fall, I started going for walks. For those of you reading this who are anxious about walking alone or feel unsafe, there’s no shame in inviting a friend to walk or taking the dog with you (if you have one). Fresh air and sunshine can do wonders, especially the latter which provides vitamin D and can help ward off depression.

If you can’t or don’t want to go outside, simple things like chores (dishes, laundry, cooking and cleaning) can also get you up and moving within your home. Small exercises depending on your physical limits such as lifting weights, stretches, and other things can help too. If you like shopping, need groceries, or have a nearby mall, they’re good places to walk around.

I found that, even if I ended up still thinking bad thoughts, the focus on my surroundings or the task at hand helped me ward them off for the moment. It also got some energy out, and provided some physical benefits.

Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.

Doesn’t seem like it would help much, but having a supply of fresh things not only provides nutrients, but it seems to help mentally. There’s satisfaction to biting into a crisp apple, smelling the tartness of an orange, the crunchy head of broccoli, the sweet taste of corn....

"Milo, why are you getting up on your soap box to talk to me about this.”

I just think they’re neat.

Not sure if there’s any strict science to it beyond nutrient intake, but boy. That freshness? Endlessly pleasant. I think there’s something to that old saying of, “You are what you eat.” Chowing down on largely fatty snacks, candies, and canned or heavily processed food is great, don’t get me wrong, but only ever eating those things? You do feel it, physically, which feeds into your hellbrain.

Supplementing with more healthy choices and a more balanced diet does help. In succession with the exercise blurb up there it sounds like I’m doing that neurotypical thing of, “Fix it with diet and exercise!” but. They’re genuinely good things to consider, so I’m getting them out of the way now.

(Consuming too much sugar makes acne worse, by the way. Learned that one the hard way.)

Changing your sheets weekly and clothes daily

Nothing smells and feels like depression more than laying down in disgustingly sweaty pajamas in a set of filthy bed sheets you changed three months ago.

I ended up in this cycle a lot, wearing the same shirt for a week if I could and never changing the sheets. Which sounds really gross, but a lot of us do it unconsciously, I think. The effort’s gone, we’re busy with other things, you feel too tired to do it.

But, my god, even doing those two simple things can make you feel a lot better. Or at least cleaner and more satisfied when you go to bed.

Sleeping on clean sheets and pillowcases also keeps acne at bay, so I’ve discovered. I found that I would also be sleeping a lot better, too. It can also help in being a small scheduled thing for you which brings me to my next point:

Scheduling dailies

Can be simple things. Eat breakfast, brush your teeth, take a shower, walk the dog, put laundry away. The important thing, though, is always doing those things at the same time every day.

In times when I got severely depressed, my schedule would completely fall to pieces. I slept anywhere from 12 to 5 AM, I ate randomly during the day or often not at all, left clean clothes unfolded on The Laundry Chair, and really wasn’t able to do much. I started making a set morning schedule for myself that I told myself I had to follow; get up, shower, put on fresh clothes, feed the cat.

It’s less combative of depression symptoms themselves, and more helpful with returning to a sense of normality. Also, having something to do that you maintain will effectively get you moving.

Self-affirmations and Use of language

After you complete something, compliment yourself. Sounds cheesy or undeserving, right? Wrong.

Even if it’s as simple as getting yourself out of bed in time, eating, or going to school when you don’t want to, it’s still an accomplishment. Maybe not one worth bragging about to your friends and neighbors, but when it was something you didn’t want to do or was difficult for you? It’s absolutely worth a compliment to yourself.

How you talk about things matters as well. Maybe you hate your job, hate school, hate chores, which leaves you inclined to complain and prepare yourself for another bad experience, which then makes you feel upset. Maybe you hate yourself, too, on top of that. It could be as bad as you think, but maybe it isn’t.

Instead of saying, “I hate this and it’s going to be horrible,” consider, “I don’t like this, but I can get through it.” Or instead of, “I’m a terrible person,” consider, “I’ve done something bad, but I can apologize and make up for it,” or, “I don’t like who I am now, but I can change that.”

Saying things with more positive mindsets can work wonders, and I used both that and compliments toward myself in college especially. I finished a project? Great job! I sat down, talked to, and apologized to a friend with sincerity? I’ve definitely grown and taken a step to be better. I did a presentation that I was terrified of? It was scary, but I could do it and I did it!

Saving heartfelt things from friends

You’re upset. Your friends are offline or busy. That person you’ve been talking to hasn’t responded to your texts or IM messages.

You’re there stewing in worry that they’ve found other friends, don’t want to deal with you, or even secretly hate you. You don’t want to ask them for another confirmation they still like you, or break out rambling. That would make you needy and therefore undesirable, right?

Oh no, you’re a bad person and a worse friend for even thinking about any of this. Here come the tears.

Pretty simple trick that I think helps a lot: when someone gives you a compliment, sends or gifts something that made them think of you, a message about how they do care--save it. Screenshot it, write it, put the item (digital or otherwise) where you can see it regularly. They’re little tokens of appreciation from them to you, reminders of your friendship with them.

Take a deep breath. Look at the screenshot or thing you have and remind yourself, “This person is likely occupied. I have no reason to think it’s out of dislike of me.”

Putting suicidal thoughts in context

This may not work for everyone, but this was the one and only way that I managed to handle this issue on my own.

I would get low a lot. Something would happen that upset me, causing an immediate spiraling into a massive depressive episode. I wasn’t trying hard enough, things were bad, I was bad, nobody like me, y’know how that is. On many, many occasions I would think that I needed to die, or deserved to. No, I never did act on those urges, but they were there. Constantly, at times.

Someone once told me about how suicidal thoughts or intentions were a direct response to the stressful situation you’re in. It’s an easy button, of sorts, to escape your problems.

It’s good to remind yourself that being in a stressed state of mine that at some point your situation is going to change. High school and college don’t last forever. You can get a better job. You can move out and away from your family. One failed school project can be made up for.

And that’s just it. I started to catch myself when my thoughts dipped into that dark place and stepped back. School was stressful, but did I really want to end it all? There were people who treated me poorly on a regular basis, but was it worth it to go through with that just to avoid them? In most cases, the answer to myself was no.

Changes can, and will, be made. There will be opportunities for you in the future. Remembering that there is still hope for you even in your darkest hour can help you pull yourself back out of it.

#milo's hellbrain experience #depression #self help #tw for mentions/discussion of suicidal thoughts #nothing graphic tho #what's up youtube

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