#deputy gods

[abigail]

I GOT THE JOB ??!?!!!!!!!!! BESTIES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#i’m FULLY CRYING RN #they said they’d call me early next week like it’s been an hour and a half ARE YOU KIDDING MEEEEE #OH MY GODDDD AAAAAAA #this doesn’t feel real .. oh my god . #i’m a deputy manager now ??? hello ??!?!!! #a

[yuridovewing]

Another reason I'm fond of CrookedBlue is the idea that its the same general story, with Bluefur giving her kits to RiverClan to become leader, but then her mate gets to become leader in his own clan as well. The two have to interact constantly, whether its negotiations or reporting at a gathering, and all the while they have this HUGE secret between them that could disrupt both of their clans at this point. They still love each other and oh so desperately want to be together but they know they can't and have to keep things professional. For the sake of their kits

#ignore that crookedstar was already leader when bluefur gave her kits away btw #i mean ig he couldve been leader but idk #also what if bluestar feels... almost a bit cheated at crookedstar being leader #like. he was leader/deputy. his position was in no way threatened by having young children #he was going to stay in that position no matter what but bluefur didnt have that same situation #god how unfair must it have felt

[gloomyandpitty]

He is bbg and I'll do anything for him

#far cry 5 #love u bbg #staci pratt #he is so fine #on god #ill do anything #for him #far cry five #far cry deputy

[tangledinink]

MY CHILDHOOD LOVE, WARRIOR CATS MY ONE AND ONLY

I MADE MY FIRST OC'S, SELF INSERTS, AND PERSONAS FOR THAT SERIES

WE WARRIOR'S FANS STAND TOGETHER IN OUR SEA OF BLOOD AND PILE OF BONE

oh BIG MOOD. i was obSESSED with warrior cats for AGES. like. lowkey baby's first true hyperfixation. i deVOURED those books. they were typically too expensive for my family to buy (esp coz there were SOO many of them) so every time a new one would come out i'd beg my mom to bring me to the bookstore and then i'd straight up just sit in the aisle and read the entire thing then and there.

warrior cats is definitely, like, a huge part of what truly got me into drawing/writing/storytelling. i used to dedicate hours to illustrating scenes from those books. i had four HUGE handmade posters up on my wall as a tween with each and every cat from each and every clan that i'd update as the allegiances changed in the books. i used to design 'warriorsonas' for each and every one of my classmates because i was a super normal child. warriors is how i got into roleplaying, which was definitely a huge influence on my writing-- i read in an interview when i was, like, 11 that the erins sometimes got inspiration for warrior names from roleplay sites, and i was like!!!!! omg i have to start roleplaying on roleplay sites so that one of my warrior names get into the books!!!!

(they never did lol)

but i still obSESSIVELY roleplayed online for YEARS, i'd draw all my characters and draw my friends' characters, too, and scenes from the rps. we'd all write PARAGRAPHS upon paragraphs with, like, proper grammar and everything (because at that age and in those circles, roleplaying *with actions in asteriks* and stuff was CRINGE and everyone KNEW that the LONGER you wrote the BETTER your writing was, obvs, and that was the only factor--) i spent, like, every waking moment on this massive chatroom-based site called kugyay that had, like, hundreds and thousands of users in its heyday. granted, like, most people had more than one account (so you could have a custom profile for each character, obvi) but i remember everyone freaked out when we hit more than 10,000 accounts.

i could talk about my experience with warrior cats and all my various ocs for... like.... ages. also like. this is random and won't mean anything to most people, esp coz i only posted, like, a few pages about it, but i also want y'all to know that this graphic novel that i desperately want to bring to life and do justice someday and that i've dedicated SOOO much time thinking about is... like....... 1000% inspired by/based on warrior cats lowkey. like. i am infected. forever and ever.

#warrior cats #warrior cats warrior cats warrior cats warrior cats #my pets also lowkey have warrior cat names #i used to spend ALLL my time on kugyay and like. it was considered like a BIG DEAL to have a 'high rank' #ie have a character who was a leader/deputy/medicine cat #and it was SUPER competitive coz there could only be 16 at a time at most and again there were literally THOUSANDS of users #and when my oc brownowl became the thunderclan medicine cat i was like #omg #ive peaked #this is the greatest accomplishment of my life. ill never do anything greater. this is it #my god i have so many memories #like it was in many ways fucking horrible lol but it was also? great #and definitely made me the writer/artist that i am today #asks #sorry i rambled so much i just like #have warrior cat thoughts all the time they Mean So Much To Me #i could also talk about that dumb graphic novel idea for ages and ages #kugyay

[izartn]

Something something the way the bones/ashes of a ghost in TGCF work as a totem of love, bc they're literally the anchor of the soul on the mortal realm. Something something Palamedes trusting Camilla to take care of his remains in case he died, so he could come back, trusting her with his soul. Something something Camilla defending ferociously what little she could kept of him near her heart, lamenting she couldn't find the rest, keeping faith to the end.

This is a ghost love story. You could say the way remains and ghosts link is everywhere all over the world, but the specific way theyre a token of love in TGCF reminds me awfully of Camilla and Palamedes whole situation.

Hua Cheng says that if his ashes were destroyed (bc he knows xl enough to know it'd be only when xl is permanently dead and gone himself) (bc if xl doenst want him to remain in this world he won't...) it'd be OK. His soul, his very being on the hands of his beloved. The year of waiting by XL at the end, trusting HC will find his way home to him. Brr.

#the locked tomb #tlt is much more... R romantique and human than tgcf at the same time #tgcf is more a fairytale #tlt mixes scifi and fantasy for achingly human flawed charas and relationships #tian guan ci fu #my thoughts #campal #camilla hect #palamedes sextus #anyways #tgcf au when XD #jod can stay as God emperor; Gideon died on the heavenly tribulation for Harrow ascention.... #pal as a god who was banished died as mortal (bc he discovered sus things about jod) #cam was his deputy and she stayed on heaven and became a god on her own right but she kept pal ashes bc they planned for it and now she's #spying on heaven to bring down jod #they recruit harrow and Gideon #ianthe is the water tyrant and corona the wind master with all that implies #this makes babs black water only he was like the childhood friend of the twins when they fucked him over for ascension #(does this means babs is also conspiring with the sixth? Hilarious) #anyways I won't write the au #but I see it in my mind eye #enjoy the horrors of love meanwhile I'm going off for Nona tomorrow

[adelaidedrubman]

— SHE’S JUST QUIRKY.

SO @socially-awkward-skeleton decided to murder me completely dead today by surprising me with this gorgeous portrait of jestiny having a Normal Girl Moment. i remain stunned and in awe of how perfectly skelly captured her vibes and all the gorgeous detail. the way the blood blends into her her hair...... her muscles....... the ripped sleeves...... THANK YOU AGAIN SKELLY i am going to treasure and gush about it FOREVER.

#god im sorry she just...... looks so hot like this........ im love her...... thank you a million skelly....... #her widdle face is so cute covered in blood...... #ugh. god. sorry. incoherent. #oc: deputy jestiny ellen #jestiny images #arts and commissies

[passinoutpieces]

with no clippers in his bunker jacob has no choice but to grow out his hair

#listen i just thought this was funny i actually LOVE his default hair #ok but jacob x deputy bunker buddy au and she *secretly* throws out his clippers ON PURPOSE #thank God there’s john who knows his way around hair and can coach his big bro through these truly challenging times #jacob seed #jacob seed art #jacob seed bunker au #sketches #far cry 5 #fc5 #fc5 fanart #far cry 5 fanart #my art #my art 2023

[direwombat]

tagged by @alexxmason, @voidika, @g0dspeeed, @socially-awkward-skeleton, @madparadoxum, @inafieldofdaisies, @marivenah, @corvosattano, @simplegenius042, and @fourlittleseedlings to do this meme and/or this uquiz! tagging back to those of y'all who have done one but not the other

also tagging @cassietrn, @trench-rot, @harmonyowl, @carlosoliveiraa, @aceghosts, @adelaidedrubman, @locustandwildhoney, @testyfestyenthusiast, @strangefable, @deputyash, @josephslittledeputy, and anyone else wanting to do them! (taglist opt in/out)

what's at your oc's core?

ACERBIC WIT. you're a mentor — an old scarred wolf, an injured soldier, a disgraced paladin. your teachings read as shamelessly pretentious, speaking in rhymes and biting down hard into anyone stupid enough to make the wrong move. this isn't your first life, nor your second, nor your sixth — you'll make the most of your time shackled to this world, no matter how many loops it takes to get it right. with every defeat, you reincarnate; a little smarter, a little quicker, crueler and nastier. will you choose to be brutal, equalizing, that final strike in the face of your enemies? will you go soft, become tender and domesticated? the choice is yours. it's not like i can stop you.

RESOUNDING TRUTH. you have a goal in mind, and others brush it off right away... why does everyone always tell you to follow your dreams when it's actually their dreams that they want you to follow? your memory is weak, and your conviction is even weaker on days when you're reminded of how alone you really are. it's hard to go on without someone pushing you forward... is this what life is? a cycle of monotony, fueled only by the desire not to trouble anyone too much with your passing? it would be nice to have something, or someone, to spur you on. i hope you find them.

and here's the "oc as..." template

#syb's song took me so long to figure out #i was stuck between 'sun bleached flies' and 'family tree' #but i ended up going with sun bleached flies because the refrain of 'god loves you but not enough to save you' #really hits for a girlie who's doomed by the narrative #also updated paola's fc because altho she and indira varma are different body types #she's the only person i've found who looks close enough to how i imagine her #oc: deputy sybille la roux #oc: paola orsini #my edits

[rolangf]

—OCS AND VILLAIN SONGS

hey what’s up you guys welcome back to my channel— i did this post on my old blog ages ago which is unfortunately lost to time now and i wanted to do it again. so this has gotta be like, the third time some of y’all are seeing this but. fuck it we ball.

born from a post made by @unholymilf a loooong time ago that as more or less a question of if ur oc was a boss fight, what song would be playing and it struck me so here is ALL of my brain worms, including some new ones from the last post!

ANDIE— le soleil est près de moi; air.

POV: you’re bleeding out as andie is standing over you, burning white hot, hotter than the sun setting behind her. she is passionate and… reckless, and will swear this was self-defense. even if she struck first. even if she didn’t blink. even as she watches the life leave your body.

BIANCA— tricycle express; gaspard augé, mr. oizo.

POV: bianca is white knuckling her steering wheel, swiping her car against the side of your own for miles down the freeway. she is gonna run you off the road. she absolutely will; it’s unavoidable, and she’s gonna laugh while she’s doing it. this is the song she’s listening to.

CELESTE— vision; m83.

POV: “you will die soon. sooner than you were supposed to, now.” celeste deadpans as she hovers her hand over your forehead and waves. she makes a show of it, though her clairvoyance doesn’t require as much. you wish you had listened to her and thought better of asking in the first place. “it will be violent, and painful. give ares my best. leave my temple.” but you didn’t, and now it’s too late. your fate is sealed.

ELVIRA— old river; orville peck.

POV: you’re stiff, hairs on the back of your neck standing up. you’re being watched. this is a different kind of observation than the one you’re used to— the seeds constantly run surveillance on you, but this doesn’t feel as passive. you’re being hunted. and when you dare to turn on your heels to see elvira standing behind you with a crossbow bolt nocked with your name on it, you almost wish jacob was here to kill you instead. somehow, you know it would be more merciful.

OSLO— pennsylvania furnace; lingua ignota.

POV: oslo isn’t the deputy anymore. they’re the judge. eden’s gate is up a member who is worth a million and the resistance mourns a million more.

FAUSTINA— beyond the horizon; olivier deriviere.

POV: faustina is the last line of defense between you and the mother church. she’s a penitent, too, you must understand. the consecrated red ribbons she’s wrapped in are suffocating her the longer she takes to excommunicate you and she will try every prayer at her disposal to stop it—to stop you.

JEN— krack; soulwax.

POV: jen is chasing you through the fib building after she snitches on your whole operation to the iaa. you are an enemy of the state, but more importantly— you’re an enemy to agent jennifer daniels. she wants you dead, and you will be soon enough. especially if it’s up to her. and as of right now, she has you cornered in an interrogation room with nowhere to go and a gun to your head.

LOTTIE— arsonist’s lullabye; hozier.

POV: hawkins is ablaze, and lottie is at the scene of the crime staring into the flames.

LINDY— señor (tales of yankee power); jerry garcia.

POV: there’s barely anyone left to call a gang, and dutch knows as much. but he won’t admit it— that would require him admitting guilt for the losses, too. and he should be so lucky he’s still breathing; lindy wants to empty an entire revolver clip into his thick skull but knows she wouldn’t live long enough to feel the satisfaction. so she does the next best thing, and turns her back. there isn’t anything left for her, anyway. she would risk a lifetime of looking over her shoulder over having to look at him.

MAGS— change (in the house of flies); deftones.

POV: you’re being experimented on in an umbrella sanctioned lab and in walks mags— who you thought was on your side. after all, well fed devils behave better than famished saints. but not this one, she’s much worse.

MILDRED— god unbounded; uboa.

POV: you have just returned from the dead because some weirdo with a god complex and a proficiency in reanimating corpses decided that she needed the practice. and now that’s your problem, because you definitely have come back Wrong. but you’re back! surprise!

NICOLE— heart in a cage; the strokes.

POV: you’re witness to an absolute bloodbath as nicole goes crazy on the field. she’s completely lost herself, she isn’t in control anymore. she was always dangerous but now she’s lethal. she’s already gotten some of her own killed, and somebody needs to take her out before it gets worse. she’s a wild animal. and to her, you’re fresh meat.

SIBYL— summit song; nicole dollanganger.

POV: she drowns you in her scrying pool and you are never heard from again. it’s your own fault, really— anna henrietta told you to leave her be and you didn’t listen.

ROSALIND— goodbye; soap&skin, apparat.

POV: she begs mike for the coordinates of where it happened and he doesn’t budge. he never will. he doesn’t trust her not to take a shovel to the earth and dig him up. so in her state of delirium, she walks through the desert and screams and cries and repents. and becomes her own biggest villain.

ODETTE— graveyard; midnight syndicate.

POV: odette quite literally haunts her family estate, left to fall into disrepair. she’s a grief stricken wraith born of despair who brutally attacks anyone who dares step into her tomb. she’s a master illusionist even in death, so if you choose to fight her instead of just leaving, just make sure you first remove the mirrors from the wall.

okay whew that was a TASK but i’m gonna make this a tag game cs i wanna see Y’ALL make ur ocs evil and give them a soundtrack so hehe @florbelles @unholymilf @shellibisshe @ghostfvcker @benwishaw @loriane-elmuerto @leviiackrman @jackiesarch @rosayoro @statichvm @teamhawkeye @bloodofvalyria @red-nightskies @confidentandgood @simply-jason @scalpelsister @devilbrakers @lxmbert and you!

#fr tho like. i loved this post the first time i made it and i think abt it every day #so i had to remake it #back and better than ever tho too #god bless #oc: andie la croix #oc: bianca vionetti #oc: celeste #oc: elvira hawke #oc: oslo avery #oc: jen daniels #oc: faustina #oc: lindy carlisle #oc: lottie byers #oc: nicole moore #oc: mags hightower #oc: sibyl delauvéy #oc: rosalind tyler #oc: mildred malice #also sorry rosalinds is kinda fucked up i just had that vision in my head for so long it’s unreal #um. if you even get this far in the tags sjbdajnska #hi #also elviras little blurb is meant to be that you (reader) are the deputy #if that didn’t come across that way #don’t worry abt what faustina’s pov is #it’s blasphemous related sorry that games lore has me in a headlock #yes the faustina song is from another game already what of it #i am cheating w rosalinds song btw #if u even care #oc: odette haliçi

[locustandwildhoney]

Woahhh- Dep-yuu-teee Rook

Jacob: Great outfit Angel, My soldier's standing at attention. John: Locked and Loaded... Faith: Two gun salute and ready to shoot

Based on the Bonnie McMurray bit from Letterkenny

#my art #john seed #jacob seed #joseph seed #faith seed #far cry 5 #farcry 5 #fc5 #deputy rook #have I been using memes for warmups? yes.. yes I have #edens gate #Good for you Dep #god wont let you make memes

[amethyst-halo]

my excerpt thoughts

#sketch speaks #warrior cats spoilers #wc spoilers #asc spoilers #asc thunder #breakin out the spoiler tags #adding some filler tags to push th spoilers under the read more thingy #so spoilers ahead #anyways. frostpaw needs some therapy my god that girl is traumatized #ivypool deputy moment ftw #i didnt actually care much abt who was deputy i just wanted it to not be lionblaze #so thank god #sunbeam and nightheart are still SO grating to me girl go home #stand up for ur choices against ur mother ofc ur so powerful but just. nightheart?? u can do better than him #augbghgbhb #rootshadowsun stays top tier for me #i dont get the feeling she like wants to be in thunder tbh the book keeps saying it but it feels hollow to me #maybe bc i dont want her to akjhdjh but yea #hate how her thoughts are all about nightheart now please have a hobby sunbeam

[the-owl-tree]

out of curiosity, do people prefer larger sized clans or smaller ones? i've always preferred the smaller ones because it's easier to get to know everyone but i'm curious to hear other opinions

#warrior cats #<- main tag for help #deer rambles #tempted to start planning the fake isekai clans now that i've got the names #i at least want to make some kitties for everyone to interact with #at least have a deputy and a medic lol #like im def going smaller because oh my god i do not have the energy to do a river sized allegiance #but i was just thinking

[officialbabayaga]

so i work remotely for my legal clerk job which already gives me like… a lot of freedom, but my boss has been extremely busy on one single case for the past week and doesn’t really have anything to send my way right now, which on the one hand is nice because i have an early final this friday and i’m taking the MPRE next wednesday so i’m not mad about getting paid to study, but at the same time i feel guilty about it bc i love my org and idk how long i can stretch “going over all the case filings” that i’ve already read 3 times you know?

#idk man i don’t want him to notice and get mad at me bc i’d love a good rec letter from the deputy general counsel #at an extremely well respected nonprofit org #but I NEED TO FUCKING STUDY OH MY GOD I’M GONNA FAIL #zoe stuff

[trasho-pando2011]

hey how do i tell my parents that just because there are gay characters in a children's show doesn't mean they're "GrOoMiNg" or "BrAiNwAsHiNg" children without getting into an argument? /j

#wait until i tell them abt PB and Marceline being a canon couple #or lyra and bon bon from mlp #or sheriff blubs and deputy durland from gravity falls #or ruby and sapphire from steven universe #or luna and sam from the loud house #or clyde's dads from the loud house #mwahahaha #god there r so many things that my parents missed

[kittiofdoom]

aHHHHHHHHHHH @redreart is amazing please look at how soft this commission of Avery and Joseph is I’m CRY. All the little details and their expressions THE FOREHEAD TOUCHING and they look so happy aHHHHHHHH. 10000/10 you should commission them.

#joseph seed #joseph seed x female deputy #far cry 5 #oc; avery beckett #ship; avery beckett x joseph seed #friend art #I've been so sick and waking up to this really lifted my mood #also the golden background just kinda reminds me of like a halo of holy light i'm CRY please this is so beautiful #every time i look at it I smile so much oh my god

[adelaidedrubman]

COMFORT MY CHARACTER. (from this prompt list) + jestiny +☀️ - a nice day outside (requested by @simplegenius042) + 🧸 - a soft plushie (requested by @blissfulalchemist) + ✋ - a hand carding gently through their hair (requested by both!)

notes: hello hello, look who is coming in three months later to finally answer these. i am sorry for the delay and ofc no pressure to read, but i decided this would be good to pivot and post for valentine’s day. also, avoiding spoilers but if you want a visualization on 🧸 you can find it here. this is set in hook, line, and sinker verse, but the only context from it you really need is that john and jestiny are fake dating. wordcount: 2.3k warnings: animal death, fleeting detailed fantasies of violence against humans, and threats to do violence to humans. pretty tame all things considered.

A gentle breeze kicks up to ease the heat settling into Jestiny’s cheeks and tickle her jaw with the feathery ends of her hair, and as she draws in a deep inhale of the scent of pine carried on the air it dawns on her that this truly is her definition of a perfect day. 

The sun beats down on the back of her neck to bake the skin and draw a pleasant coating of sweat that flushes cool with the wind. The glittering waters of Snowshoe Lake lap gently at the thick heels of her boots stuck into mud. 

Three trout float defeated and bled dry in the cooler she pulls a fresh beer from, a fourth cutting ripples into the water as it moves to flirt with her hook. The glass on her bottle of Two Hearted Ale kisses her inner thigh with its crisp coating of frost as she props it against her leg. 

Hank is tucked away in the bib pocket of her overalls and firmly in the grips of a food coma courtesy of the extra scoop of bait Adelaide threw in for him, pointy pink fingers still curled around the batch of crickets he grew too full to finish. 

And any threat of tranquility stagnating to tedium is kept at bay by the sudden plop of her bobber to sink into the water, causing Jestiny to perk up and brace herself just in time for the satisfying tension of weight pulling against her rod. 

Jestiny licks her lower lip as she begins to reel, muscles of her arms tensing and tugging on instinct with the perfect amount of pressure to meet the force of the fish in a smooth, elegant dance — a back and forth quickly rewarded as her catch leaps from the water. An opportunity she gladly seizes, reeling it to its doom. 

She feels Hank begin to slowly stir against her chest as she pierces her knife through the fish’s brain, his head poking from her pocket for his whiskers to brush against her chin as she drops the trout into her cooler. 

A somehow still surviving cricket leaps from Hank’s clutches as he unfurls his fist in a waking stretch, landing at the top of Jessie’s head as the rest of the insects fall lifelessly into the depths of her pocket. 

“Hank,” she chides without malice, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she grins down at the opossum. “What did I tell you about goin’ and wastin’ bait?” 

Hank claws his way up Jestiny’s chest as she rewards herself with a hearty gulp of beer, climbing over her shoulder to cling to the back of her head and reach to pluck the cricket from her hair and plop it into his mouth. 

And to Jessie’s relief he doesn’t scramble back down to grab for the bait she slides onto her hook, instead remaining perched on her shoulder as she casts her line, his fingers tangled in her hair. 

Hank combs the fingers through short locks as Jestiny leans back to settle in and watch the water, his snout nudging against her as he sniffs for more bugs, licking to groom out anything he finds. 

His sharp little claws send a relaxing tingle along Jestiny’s scalp as they rake along the skin, gliding down her spine to ease the tension from her shoulders. 

Yes, in Jestiny’s mind it is truly a perfect day. And with the bright blue of the sky stretching out without a cloud in sight, she felt certain that nothing could happen to ruin —

The low rumble of an engine tears Jestiny from her thoughts, followed by the thud of a car door slamming that tells her the driver is close. 

“The fuck,” Jessie mutters under her breath as she glances to her phone. “Shouldn’t be a fuckin’ soul around here but —” 

“Ah, there’s the fisherwoman I’ve been looking for!” a devastating familiar voice calls, the surface of the water suddenly busy with the ripples of fish swimming away. 

“No,” Jestiny says before she’s even turned around. She jumps to her feet to face the man strolling towards her and shout louder, “No. Absolutely not!” 

“You certainly know how to give a lover a warm welcome,” John replies as he plants himself in front of Jessie. 

“Never fuckin’ call yourself that,” she says with a grimace, taking suspicious note of the giant, glossy gift bag slung over his shoulder. “Never call anyone that,” she tacks on, a disgusted shudder texturing the words. “And never fuckin’ bother me when I’m fishing,” she snaps. “How did —” she runs a frustrated hand through her hair, pushing it back into the face of the opossum still clinging there. “How did you even find my spot?! You stalkin’ me now?”

A sharp grin carves itself into his face to push back the modest rounds of his cheeks and deepen the sag of his laugh lines, his eyes lighting up with an irritatingly proud twinkle. 

He slides a hand beneath his vest, pulling out a sleek smartphone with a cross insignia on its case. “Scathing negative reviews of Snowshoe Lake suddenly popped up last night on Fishbrain, FishHub, ANGLR — even AllTrails and 27 Crags mentioned the nearby mountain pass being subpar.” 

“You saw somewhere with shitty reviews and figured you belonged there?”

“I figured it was the work of my clever, reclusive little angler slyly marking her territory.” A slow, dramatic bat-batting of his eyelashes punctuates the statement. “And lo and behold, here you are.”

The hinge of her jaw; her nose twitches. “I like my privacy,” she drawls slowly, so that he may understand. “Now that we’ve gone over the how, maybe we can move on to why the fuck you’re here? And when you’ll be fucking leaving?”

If it’s within the next ninety seconds, perhaps she can still salvage her perfect day. 

“Why, you haven’t been keeping track?” His tongue clicks against his teeth with a furrow of his brow in a contrived display of woundedness. “We’re celebrating our one month anniversary today!”

She snarls and bugs her eyes. “Great! Our fake relationship reached a fake milestone I wouldn’t even celebrate if it was real!”

“Do you think that attitude could have been a contributing factor to the death of your real relationship?” 

She thinks how beautiful her fishing knife would look lovingly buried to the hilt in his jugular, the sweet glug glug glug he would make choking on his own blood. She thinks about how pretty he would look with that sharp grin sliced to gape and droop like a catfish’s mouth. 

“I think interrupting my fishin’ time is about to be a contributing factor in your death,” she settles on. “The only way you’re gonna be any good to me around here is if I chop you up into little bits and use you as bait for my fucking hook.” 

“Well, for all that empty posturing you’d think you would better understand the importance of keeping up appearances,” he muses as he rifles through the bag at his side. “We’re pretending to be a happy couple — the kind that would spend their anniversary together.”

“Well, nobody’s here! So how ’bout we don’t and say we —”

Jestiny is interrupted by a hand shoving a bundle of red roses against her chest, full enough to block her vision so that she must snatch them by the tissue paper and ribbon wrapped stems to lower enough for her to glare at the man stepping back to gaze at her with a self-assured smile. 

“Aw, John,” she coos with a sweet flutter of her eyelashes and beaming smile. “You shouldn’t have,” she fusses as she leans in to stick her nose in the petals and inhale. “You really shouldn’t have. Because anyone who’d actually been dating me for a month would know —” she hurls the bouquet to the ground, stomping a foot down atop it. “That I! Fucking! Hate! Getting! Flowers!” she screams as she grinds the blossoms into the dirt beneath her boot. 

“Ah, well,” his unaffected sigh draws her attention to the repetitive shuttering sound filling the background. “Luckily, I don’t think anyone would suspect as much from looking at you.”

She looks up from crushed petals to see John holding up his phone with screen pointed towards her, her own sarcastically smiling face as she clasps a bouquet greeting her. 

“And image is what matters,” he purrs, stepping back and tucking his phone into his vest pocket just as she swings for it. 

“Then how about you get the fuck out of here before I wreck that phone and that pretty face of yours?”

He positively glows at the threat. “Come now, you didn’t really think I’d call it quits at a puny dozen roses, do you?”

“I’ll shove the next bouquet so far up your ass your mouth is gonna win an award for best rose garden!”

“Not roses,” he replies, holding out a bright red heart-shaped box. 

“Great,” she grumbles, snatching the box. “Another thing I don’t fucking wa —”

He catches her hand as it moves to throw the box to the ground. “Just open it.”

“I don’t fucking like chocolates,” she replies, holding no particular distaste for chocolates. “Especially this stupid fucking February 15th drugstore clearance aisle —”

He lifts the lid himself with a huff. 

She sees there are in fact no chocolates in the container. Instead, its five sections are filled with a menagerie of bait — a tangled ball of earthworms in the left round at the top, a school of dried minnows in the right, one pile of crickets and one of grasshoppers in the center, and a cluster of doughballs at the pointed bottom. 

“Mm,” she grunts in begrudging appreciation. She pinches the leg of a grasshopper between her fingers, lifting it above her head to offer up to Hank before she grabs the lid from John to place back atop the box. 

“Doesn’t make no goddamn sense to have doughballs and insects in the same damn container — where am I finding catfish and trout together outside of a stocked pond?” She snorts with laughter at the ridiculous thought of fishing at a stocked pond before clearing her throat and setting the heart-shaped box down by her cooler. “Still, I guess it keeps me from using you to bait my hook.”

That proud glow of his brightens until he’s absolutely luminous at her walking back of the death threat. 

“Don’t oversell the proclamations of love, Jessie dearest — it has only been a month,” he says with a dreamy sigh, leaning into her as if blooming towards the sun itself. 

“You wanna quit while you’re ahead?” she offers with a tilt of her head towards his car.

“Rule of threes, my love,” John answers breathily. “What would flowers and chocolates be without a cute stuffed animal?” 

Her eyebrow twitches. “Should have quit while you’re ahead,” she snaps. “I am a twenty-eight year old woman, not a schoolgirl looking for a teddy bear to hug at —”

Another flourish of his hand cuts her off, palm outstretched to display a soft plush of pink and gray. 

“Not a teddy bear,” he purrs. 

It’s not a teddy bear. Its round little ears are bare felt and marbled pink and black, the beads of its eyes pinpoint tiny beads, bubblegum pink tail curling around its body. It’s — 

“An opossum,” she mutters to herself, a small, giddy huff of a laugh passing through her lips against her will. She brushes her fingers against its soft faux fur before she can stop herself, and John’s free hand reaches out to cover hers and wrap it around the plush to hold it on her own before retracting his. 

She coughs and shoots him an obligatory glare before looking back to the opossum plush, eyes drawn to take notice of the opening in its middle — finding a second tiny opossum head peeking out. 

Her eyes widen, and in spite of herself she laughs out under her breath, “It’s got a baby in its little pouch…”

She pulls the smaller stuffed opossum from its place nestled inside the larger plush, holding both up in proud display to no one in particular. 

She feels the scraping of claws and a the tickle of tiny, sniffing exhales against her cheek as Hank climbs down to perch atop her shoulder and inspect. 

His clawed little hand reaches out to grasp the smaller opossum, holding it to himself in ownership, then tucking it into the pocket of Jestiny’s overalls before climbing down her chest to curl up beside it. 

“Ha!” Another laugh bursts out before she can stop it, looking up with a delighted grin on damnable reflex to check that her company saw the precious sight she did. 

Blue eyes sparkling bright with pride meet her. Jessie’s cheeks sear under their unbearable heat. 

She clears her throat. 

“Well, Hank likes it,” she mumbles, spinning on her heels to turn her back to him as she tucks the larger plush into her overalls. “Gotta keep it, I guess.”

“Is that all it takes?” John asks, his breath falling hot along the back of her neck as he crowds behind her with every step she takes back towards the shore, like a trout chasing a lure. “Perhaps Hank can put in a good word for me, then?”

“Opossums can’t talk, dumbass,” she scoffs in reply as she reaches into the heart-shaped box to pull out an earthworm to slip onto her hook. “And people who expect to be allowed to hang around while I fish shouldn’t either.”

Another dreamy sigh and a rustle of clothing against grass as weight sinks beside her in the mud. 

She focuses herself on the pleasant plop of her bobber landing in water, breathing in the crisp mountain air and ignoring the encroaching warmth of a knee casually pressing against her own as she spreads her legs to shore up her fishing stance. 

Perhaps her perfect day would have to be chalked up as another one that got away. 

An arm stretches out behind her to press its palm onto the ground on the opposite side, its owner’s head indiscreetly turned to the side to stare at her rather than the water, and this time she chooses to blame the heat crawling along her cheeks on the afternoon sun rather than the scrutiny of his adoring gaze.

But a bad day of fishing beats a perfect day of anything else, after all. 

#also was my excuse to force myself into playing around in present tense more thinking ‘‘oh this will be quick and easy so’’ #three months later…… #oc: hank the opossum #oc: deputy jestiny ellen #otp: stop bothering these nice folks #praying to the valentine’s gods this queues correctly