#except if you don't talk about the trauma you will EXPLODE

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c7. Beware of the dog.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs, EDs and death.

song to listen to when reading this: Dark red, Steve Lacy.

abstract: Simon. I don't fucking know what to say about this chapter, I was moving in autopilot. and I'm just being a decent fucking human being, what do you expect me to say really? just start reading already.

She took a look around. The men in the room were looking at her like she was gonna spontaneously combust and explode. Some of them had their lips pressed in a thin line. I'm sorry Jude, this is the part fo the movie where you die! Simon on her right was frowning, his eyebrows slightly peering through his mask. She started imagining if she just left right now. Took her dog, got to the airport and moved to Spain. The Maldives, maybe. She started a new life as a new person once at 18, she could do it again now seven years later. Or maybe she just needed to go home, smoke every little bit of weed she had left, curl up in bed and die. She started laughing. She had always thought her laugh was the most awful sound in the word. She started laughing, she looked psychotic. She hid her smile with her right hand through her head back. Her voice was the only sound in the room, ripping apart the air. It was a terrifying sight. Fuck me sideways. How could she be so stupid to get back to that job in the first place, after what happened in 2021. 'Oh God…' she sighed when she regained a little bit of control over her laughter which still lingered in the air like a distorted melody. She was still smiling. The first time he saw her smile, laugh even. It sounded real, she sounded genuinely delighted.

Simon decided he wanted nothing to do with her right in that moment. She scared him to death, who knew a woman could be this attractive and scary at the same time. Price seemed to think showing her the calendar wasn't a good idea after all and quickly took the piece of paper and pushed it to the side. 'Look Jude, we're gonna escort you home, it's gonna be fine, we're going to continue to look for him until we have to leave.' He was trying to calm her down and, frankly, she looked perfectly fine. She looked like she was at a dinner party with her favourite friends, a glass of Champaign in her hand, her eyes shining with little tears of joy from laughing too much. Except, she laughed because she was scared. 'I've seen this film before, captain', she said, her words sounded venomous. Her eyes were dark, filled with sorrow and regret. Something like this happened before, and the captain knew.

'No, I'm telling you, it will be fine.' Price was trying to convince her. 'Gentlemen, we have an early flight tomorrow, we're going to keep looking for Arash until we find something and we'll brief again at nine, tonight. If they know we're coming, things might get ugly.' Jude was no where to be found. Well, she was still in the room, but her smile left space to an expression of defeat, like she had accepted her fate. Her eyes didn't look as bright, she kept wiping the palm of her hands on her thighs. Simon had noticed. His eyes locked with the captain's and they understood each other. Take her away, this was the sign. He quickly turned towards her, slouching downwards to speak closer to her. 'Let's go Jude', he instructed. She didn't look up at him, keeping her eyes low, but made her way to the door. He was walking beside her matching her speed. 'Take your car, I'll follow you' he said, and she still didn't answer.

'Jude' he called and finally she looked at him 'What!?' She raised her voice. She was mad again. Like the first time he saw her, fists curled with rage, on the verge of tears. He tried to keep his voice as gentle as he could. 'It's alright, everything's going to be fine', he tried to talk to her like he would do in an hostage rescue situation. 'I'll get you home. I know how to do my job', he reassured. He thought knowing he knew what to do might make her feel better. She nodded and quickly walked to her car. He followed her car all the way to the city, trying not to lose her in traffic. She parked in a busy residential street and he quickly followed. When she got out she looked for him, and waited for him to get out of the truck. She trusted him. Not because he was someone special, but from what she'd gathered he was someone Price trusted, he was probably good at his job. And he seemed kind.

'This way' she said, making her way to her apartment. She gave him her keys, he made his way to the door and got his gun out of the holster. He then noticed the little sign on the side of the door. 'Beware of the dog'. 'You scared of dogs?' she asked quietly, appearing on his side like the angel on his shoulder. Under his shoulder, let's say. Now, was he afraid of dogs, no. Did he have the best relationship ever with animals? Focus, you have a job to do, kill the dragon, save the princess. 'Stay back'. He opened the door and peered through with his gun drawn. The only sound that came from inside was a loud bark and paws on the floor. The puppy greeted him by sniffing his feet, his tail was wiggling. Not much of a guard dog, was it a German Shepard? The lights were out in the apartment, Jude made her way inside and flicked them on. She looked around and everything seemed as she left it. 'Ciao, si ciao' she spoke to the dog, who was clearly excited to see her, whining and stomping his paws. Simon tried to remember the words she said, so he could guess her native language. Spanish?

He looked around her living room and kitchen. Her house resembled her personality. There were books scattered on the coffee table, at least 5 of them, an empty mug as well. Books and papers on the sofa as well, maybe she was studying something? Black big reading glasses, with huge lenses. There were posters on the walls, art he didn't recognise. Nothing much on the shelves, minimal decor. A tall lamp in the corner of the room. He noticed a polaroid picture with someone with short hair. So you do have a boyfriend… Her kitchen was clean. It was a nice kitchen, she didn't have a table but two stools under a kitchen isle which probably served as a counter too. It was connected to the wall. Again, folders and scattered papers, maybe work. The dog bed on the floor. A lot of plants, he didn't think they were fake. An ashtray next to the window. Smoker? 'Can I check the other rooms?' he asked. To be respectful, you know. She nodded and he made his way to her bedroom. The door was closed. He glanced around the room, he checked the toilet as well. The bed wasn't made. She had light blue bedding. The room smelled like her, like lavender. She had a stuffed animal on the bed, a sheep. She had fuzzy slippers, probably a size 5. On the wall, more posters. He noticed a painting of a scary dog's fangs. Books on the nightstand, books on the wooden window sill. He saw a bra hanging from a chair and that was his cue to leave. In the toilet, one single toothbrush. So… no boyfriend?

'All clear'. She was standing beside the door, her dog at her feet was licking her hand while she petted him lazily. 'Thanks' she offered him a smile, a tiny one. She looked more relaxed. They stood looking at each other for a few seconds. Until he couldn't hold it in any longer. 'What happened last year?' He saw her expression darken, her shoulders tense. Who do you think you are to ask like that? She straightened her back and let go of the dog. He remained at her feet, wanting attention. 'You should learn to mind your business.' She made her way to the kitchen. She passed by him and didn't make eye contact. 'You should have some respect when you talk to people’ he answered. He didn't have time for this. He was fucking stupid to think he could speak with her, actually acting like a 10 year old. The dog came closer to him and sniffed his shoes. 'You know where the door is.' She turned around and faced the sink. He could feel a switch in her voice, in her attitude. It was Jude and then Her, her real self, whoever she was. It was two different people. The girl saw kindly smiling at Gaz in the car wasn't the same girl that barged in their briefing room demanding they listen to her. Or maybe it was, maybe that was Jude, and the scared, damaged little thing that he took home a year prior was Her. He didn't know who. Jude was Ghost and She was Simon. Something very bad had happened back then. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, he wasn't meant to know, no matter how much he tried. She raised a wall in between them. She made the weather right outside the apartment turn to when it's about to rain. Thunderstorms and lighting kind of rain. And it was probably better this way. He turned around without saying a word, only careful not to let the dog out.

She started breathing again when he left. Her mouth was dry, she was sweating. She called the dog and gave him food. She lit a cigarette and sat by the window. She called in the dance school, saying she had a fever. This way, she could stay inside all weekend. It took her forty minuted to stop shaking. Images from that day replayed in her mind at least once every three days now. She had gotten better, but that thingh wasn't really something you recover from. She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night sweating and crying, feeling the blade of the knife on her skin. She had dreams she had died. She wished she never woke up for a long time. She had dreams about the way he touched her. The first five months after it happened she would bite her nails till the cuticles bled and not shower for days. Her own hands on her skin felt like his. The first time she talked to another human being was when she visited Salvo in San Francisco. She looked like a corpse. He was speechless and hated her for letting herself go like this. It wasn't just the eating and over exercise, which he knew were her preferred coping mechanisms. She had lost interest in living, in speaking, in watching movies, reading. Her career… He held her every night, they slept intertwined in his room, he was the first man that actually showed her respect. He was the first man she touched after that day, she hugged him and rested her head on his chest while he reminded her she was loved, she was important to him, she was alive. He would caress her hair when she woke up sweating and was patient with her when she wouldn't eat. This time was different, she was going to be fine. Even if Salvo wasn't there. Arash would not find her, the memories from last year would leave her alone. She would make it once again.

notes. translation: 'Ciao, si, ciao.' means 'hi, yes, hi.'

notes: Salvatore, i want a friend like you, KING. I am back, I'm sorry for the delay I got surgery done to my teeth??? Anyways, enjoy!!!

taglist:

@ummmmmwat @ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

#cod mw2 #ghost cod #simon ghost riley #cod x reader #ghost fanfiction #call of duty #simon ghost x reader #cod fic #cod modern warfare #ghost headcanons #simon riley fluff #simon riley fanfic #simon riley #ghost mw2 #ghost call of duty #ghost riley #simon ghost smut #simon ghost fluff #simon riley call of duty #mw2 ghost #call of duty x reader #141 headcanons #task force 141 #tf 141 #cod 141 #cod #john soap mactavish #captain john price #captain price #modern warefare 2 x reader

[woulddieforloki]

W A I T okay this has probably been done before but has anyone ever written a fic where The Avengers just. like. didn't happen? like Thanos couldn't break Loki so he just threw him down to Earth or maybe Thanos did break him but the Mind Stone was supposed to make him do Evil Things except it stopped working after he went through the Tesseract? so Loki's just kinda There™ in SHIELD headquarters while the whole place is falling apart and everyone's just like ??? and Fury and Clint drag the very confused random man out of there before they call get very dead and Loki's either half-dead because Thanos couldn't break him or he's just very confused because the Mind Stone suddenly stopped working and it's just a very unproductive moment?

and then stuff happens and Thor comes down to Earth and they manage to get the Tesseract from SHIELD somehow and they go back to Asgard and Loki hasn't actually really done anything so they go to see Odin and Odin's just like ........... because like yeah Loki kinda overthrew the monarchy but he was having a bad day and he does seem to realize that was wrong (at least enough that he's not actively trying to murder his brother again) so Odin just kinda awkwardly pats him on the back and welcomes him home

and then Loki just has to. like. live with it. and everyone's all weird about him now and they've always been weird about him but now they're extra weird about him because he was king for a day? and then fucking died? except he didn't? and then obviously Heimdall and Sif and the Warriors Three know what really happened which makes it even weirder when Loki comes back and tries to go back to his normal life and nobody's gonna tell him not to go back to his normal life because. like. he should do that. probably. but at the same time like twelve months ago Loki fucking killed himself and how do you just move on from that (and if you figure out the answer please tell Loki because he really doesn't fucking know)

#because IMAGINE the last time you were in Asgard the whole line of succession just fuckin Disappeared and you became king #and then you kinda went insane and got a little violent and then got a lot suicidal #and then a year of indescribable horrors pass and suddenly you're back in bed with your favorite book in front of you #except there are no WORDS IN IT #but like there ARE words in it you just can't READ THEM #except you ARE READING THEM they're just not fuckiNG WORDS THEY DON'T MAKE SENSE WHY CAN'T YOU READ #oh right haha it's the ✨ t r a u m a ✨ #but no one wants to talk about the trauma which is fine because you don't want to talk about the trauma either #except if you don't talk about the trauma you will EXPLODE #except if you do talk about the trauma you will DIE #and all you wanted to do was play a little prank on your brother and maybe also stop him from becoming king for a few weeks #because you weren't ready for him to become your legitimate superior yet because he's just your big bro and that's all you want him to be #and if you'd known it was gonna be such a hassle you would've just skipped the stupid coronation and screamed into your pillow #like a normal person with normal person coping mechanisms #fic idea? #back on my bullshit

[alle-ni]

My thoughts about goodomensverse (I'm clinically insane) (my personal opinion) (long post)

Book Crowley:

- absolute disaster

- lonely boy

- grumpiest

- he's so in love with Aziraphale but didn't even realised yet

- a bit dumb sometimes ngl

- very tired

- he's trying so hard save earth and everything he knows but everytime he tries to explain why it's always AZIRAPHALE

- sometimes he's like... your old gay uncle, the old gay uncle of the family except it's a 6000 years old gender fluid demon

- HISS LIKE A SNAKE GANG

- got called dear once and them died (figuratively)

Radio Crowley:

- flirty

- "Humm have you ever seen me in a dress~~??"

- he's like flirting with Aziraphale 24/7

- 0 patience this man is a BOMB

- if Aziraphale ever EVER got slightly flirty with him back he will EXPLODE

- smartest of them all, he's very intelligent

- HISS LIKE A SSSSSNAKE GANG

- he's so in love with Aziraphale and it makes him SO FRUSTRATED

- his Aziraphale is the hardest one to reach, maybe this is why he's so deliberately obvious and direct with him (he's resilient, he will never give up)

- he's like a tsudere teenager collegial except he's a 6000 years old demon with serious issues

- not called dear yet poor soul </3

TV Crowley:

- SILLY

- he's the dumbest of them all, sorry 😭

- red hair

- he's so in love with Aziraphale and everyone notice it's SO OBVIOUS

- he's the most affected by The Bookshop Burning ™ event

- the only one who got to kiss the angel, good for him ig, or sorry, idk

- anxiety bomb he literally (literally) EXPLODE

- strongest soldier bc his Aziraphale is IMPOSSIBLE

- got dumped 2 times more than the others someone pls help him

- the most brave tho

- doesn't hiss a lot :/ free him from this madness let him hiss

- he's like a puppy with giant yellow eyes except it's a 6000 years old snake demon that lies all the time

- protective as hell this man wouldn't let anyone near Aziraphale if possible

- got called dear but at what cost??????????????

Book Aziraphale:

- Anxious all the time, religious trauma except the god is your father and he left you and never talk to you again and the guard angels are your siblings and they want you do be dead

- He's so soft he wants so bad to comfort Crowley but he's really hard to reach

- his Crowley is the most difficult of all of them, he needs to circle him a lot to get in touch

- this man got called names so often I don't think he even cares anymore

- he's very nerdy

- he's the calmest of them all

- really chill

- everyone is so mean to him for no reason

- he has 1 braincell tbh and it's really bad bc his Crowley is not that brilliant too they're both stupid sometimes

- he really REALLY wants to be with Crowley and Crowley only, he sounds almost obligated to be with heaven

- he is really kind to others even when they don't deserve

- he called Crowley dear once and then implode

Radio Aziraphale:

- full of himself

- bastard

- the most closed and oblivious of them all

- he tries to play cool with Crowley all the time (he's slowly getting insane and someday he will jump on this man)

- he's the most self sufficient one he barely holds on Crowley to anything and they're pretty independent

- Crowley can say shit like "Miss me angel~~??" and he would keep a bored face and not react at all (he screamed with the walls 4 hours later)

- he's also a tsudere collegial but he at least try to look cool and composed in public

- he's the Aziraphale that most believes in heaven, he's sure they are good and selfless and the right side

- he's not so brilliant tbh but he got a lot of spirit

- the most active Aziraphale ?? He really put his hand in the dirt and do the things alone

- the most angry and bad tempered of them all, bro scream "WE ARE CLOSED LOOK AT THE DAMN SIGN" when ppl barely touch the bookshop door

- he has a lot of patience with Crowley, not deserved tbh bc he thinks it's his personal job to get in Aziraphale's nerves

- overall he is polite

- he's really proud of their "arrangement" there not only one chance he let go without saying that

- he likes to provoke Crowley sometimes too but not as much as the other way around

- if he ever call Crowley dear he will explode

TV Aziraphale:

- bitchiest

- this man need to be sedated what the fuck Aziraphale

- most nuts of then all he's CRAZY

- he's the most up to do shit with Crowley they're insane together

- he doesn't let Crowley rest he is flirting and being cute and hitting on Crowley all the time

- he's so obviously in love with Crowley its embarrassing

- he's the fruitiest he's the entire salad

- the most... indulgent, if I can say, of them all

- more like an employer of heaven, different of book Aziraphale

- he's the only one with almost white hair

- he got kissed but at what cost

- he's the most intelligent of all of them how can he be this dumb

- he loves little things about earth and humans and life and he seems to be the Aziraphale that most love EARTH itself, like, the life, the humans, the food, the little pleasures we have, the little time of happiness we have between all the shit that is happening... he really loves humans <3

- he's conflicted about heaven, he seems to know that there's something WRONG with how heaven works but still doesn't understand what exactly it is

- "oh but saving me makes him soooo happyyyy~~~"

- overall kind and sweet, in a excited way

#good omens #good omens 2 #aziracrow #crowley #Aziraphale #radio omens #good omens radio #good omens book #thats my opinion #more like some thoughts i have been collecting since im hearing radio omens #not really accurate #does this count as character study???? #lol I think not #maybe i have a preference for radio Aziraphale i wrote so much more about him and ended up erasing it all bc it made me look insane #shit its 2 am I'm so sleepy

[candyskiez]

Thinking about ???%/Shigeo as a character today and losing my mind. Like he's so funny to joke about but also he's SUCH an interesting character (especially from a plural angle, ESPECIALLY when you're a system yourself) and he makes me want to explode. Imagine forming to protect a little kid and deciding you love him so so much and you'll always be there for him, and you love his little brother, and you love his best friend, even though the world doesn't love you very much. But you take it anyway because you have those three and your little family so you're happy. And you have powers and they're a part of you and the other kid and it's fine until it very suddenly Isn't, and nobody's explaining why, just that you need to Stop Having Them. And the kid just decides, okay, I'm sorry, I'll be normal. And you get no explanation. You just have to be suppressed that little bit more. You form because he can't handle being suppressed yet he suppresses you. And then one day it all blows up and you make a mistake trying to protect your little brother and suddenly everyone hates you. Everyone thinks every little thing you've ever done is proof you're a monster and you always would've turned out like this, and you have no idea what they're talking about. You made a mistake trying to save your brother. But because you look scary and act different, even though you've always been there suddenly you existing is dangerous. Because you made a mistake, you are now Irredeemable.

That would fuck ANY kid up. But like, think about it. Shigeo had no one except Tsumobi and Mob and Mob's family. And suddenly he has no one. Mob represses him so deeply. He makes one mistake and suddenly he's not allowed to talk to anyone, suddenly he's completely alone and isolated. He has to share a brain with someone who despises him. He has the trauma of the accident AND the trauma of suddenly losing everyone he loves on top of it. He literally had no one for years. No wonder he's so fucking cynical. All of the shit about "I don't trust anyone" in the manga? Yeah, of course he doesn't. The rug was pulled out from under him so fast. In his eyes everyone just hated him for no reason, because he existed, and everyone would hurt him for existing, so he could only trust himself. Yeah, no wonder he's so selfish, he has no one else there at ALL. It's just...holyyyy hell.

And the thing is if you actually look the little things point to him yearning for connection so desperately. He's still so aggressively protective of his family (even though he lost them a long time ago, they're Mob's now, they don't even know he's there. Don't get me started on that from a plural view. I won't shut up and will probably pour my heart out.), and just ...world domination arc. When he's so upset about losing his family. We know he doesn't trust Reigen. Yet he's running to Reigen for some sort of comfort because he's scared and doesn't want his family to die and wants someone to tell him everything's fine. And Reigen DOES and he believes him. He believes him and immediately passes out. The guy who doesn't trust anyone wants to be loved so so bad and wants to believe Reigen more than anything. He really clearly WANTS to be able to trust Reigen. But he can't. More on this later.

And also thinking about why the build up in confession arc broke him like that is just fucking sad, man. Everyone was telling them to change. Shigeo's been told to change and it meant "be normal". Mob isn't even the one who actually likes Tsumobi like that. Shigeo's being completely repressed and Mob wants to live without him completely. Everyone wants to live without him now that they've used his powers to get this nice perfect life (in his eyes, at least.) Everyone's just trying to forget he ever existed so they can be happy without him, when Shigeo never GOT to heal. He never got to move on. He never got to process any of the god awful shit that happened to him. Everyone's telling him, change. Be normal. Be normal so Tsumobi will like you. And Shigeo's so fucking stressed out of his mind because lying about who he is didn't even help Mob make friends, it didn't make him popular, it didn't make anyone like him, it just made them both miserable. He doesn't want to be stuck like this. Of course he's freaking out. We see in his encounter with the body improvement club that being told to go back to normal sets him off HARD. It's clearly a sensitive subject. "Normal" means "Don't exist" to Shigeo. Do you see why this fucked me up as a system yet. Oh my god.

And his breakdown is just...painfully understandable. Like, actually think about it for a second. Shigeo has never been shown forgiveness or compassion or any amount of understanding for his mistakes. He never was taught to mature or see any nuance. He fucked up, so he doesn't deserve any second chance. Nobody ever taught him compassion. He has such a completely black and white view of the world. If someone did something bad once, they are forever The Bad Thing. If someone was kind to him once, they are forever Good and Perfect. Teru was a threat once, so he is now Always A Threat. Reigen was a liar before so he is Always A Liar. Ritsu was sweet and kind as a kid so he is always His Innocent Little Brother. And Tsumobi accepted him as a kid, so now she's the only person who could ever possibly accept him. Teru sees Shigeo at his most terrifying, when he's actively hunting him down, and in the manga looks at him with fucking hearts in his eyes. Ritsu might not be all perfect, but he's trying so hard and understanding no, Shigeo isn't just a scary part of Mob. Shigeo isn't Evil. But because neither of their acceptance is perfect, and because they aren't from Tsumobi, he can't see it's even there. And also, another thing, his response to people acting outside of his perception of him is to get them away. It scares him. Teru isn't acting how he expected? Attack maim. Ritsu isn't afraid of him anymore? Teleport him away so he doesn't have to confront the change. Reigen acts different? Throw shit at him until he hates him.

It's just so...fuck man. Of course he's like that. He's immature and selfish because nobody taught him not to be. Nobody helped this kid when he needed it and this is the result. He thinks he's an irredeemable monster so he acts like one when he's told to just be himself. He doesn't see change as being realistic. He's been treated the same no matter what he does so he assumes this is how the world naturally is. He's just a bitter mentally ill kid who nobody gave any reason to believe that maybe the world is nice sometimes.

Another thing: I think he really really wants Reigen to care about him. Him going "I can't listen to him" is so intense with the context of the fact he immediately passes out to rest and let Mob take care of it once Reigen says his parents are safe. Reigen can convince him like nobody else can. He cares about him and wants to believe him and that's terrifying! He hates him and resents him and wants him to be proud of him and wants nothing to do with him and it's confusing and he just wants something that is (supposedly) guaranteed. He wants Reigen to care so badly and it feels impossible. Why would he ever care? He just wants to use him. The only way to bring Shigeo back from his breakdown was to show him that people can be kind without wanting something back in return. Reigen saying "you don't need me anymore" was the only real way to help him, to show him that he's not doing this for himself, but because he cares about his student(s). Because he cares about BOTH of them. He cares about every version he's seen and interacted with, not because of his powers but because they were them. He had to let go of them to truly help them here, so Shigeo wouldn't have any lingering fear. What helps Shigeo is the display of kindness with nothing to be gained and Mob finally realizing that Shigeo's just...flawed. They both realize that sometimes people are just flawed and fucked up and make bad decisions and just straight up hurt people. And they'll still love you. They'll still be worth saving. But you can't deny their flaws, for Mob, and you don't need to seek the perfect relationship to have someone there, for Shigeo. It just. Agh! God! I am always losing my mind over this story. Fuck. This SHOW .

#mp100 spoilers #mp100 #unknown percentage mp100 #shigeo kageyama #kageyama shigeo #also like. the thing of “hey man you dont need a romantic relationship to be happy” is everything to me“ too #“its fine to not have a romantic relationship. its not the end all be all” is gery appreciated #the whole system loves shigeo. this show genuinely helped us so mucj and.helped me understand myself #and thinking about the finale makes me cry #like i was tearing up so many times writing this post. help. #plural mob

[ailithnight]

After this chapter, I will no longer be doing a taglist. Sorry folks, there's just too many of y'all and I'm on mobile. Please subscribe on AO3 for updates, or follow the tag A King in Arkham.

A King in Arkham

Chapter 4

AO3 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Danny. I understand you don't want to go with your godfather. Is there a reason for that?

Can't go with Vlad!

If you know something we don't about him, you need to tell us. Otherwise he will win custody.

It's.. He'll.. he'll make me.. turn me.. his fault!

What's his fault, Danny?

His fault. All his. All.. My.. no, my fault. It's all my fault...

Danny?

IT'S MY FAULT! I KILLED THEM! ALL DEAD! Because of me...

Now Danny, I'm sure that's not true. What happened at the Nasty Burger-

I made it happen.

Corporate negligence-

He knew. I knew. Dan knew what would happen. Dan made it happen. He knew the sauce was gonna blow. He knew Lancer would arrange the meeting there. He cheated. He lured them there. He bound them up so they couldn't escape and ran the time out until they exploded! Dan did that and Dan was me, so I did that.

Daniel...?

I murdered them. I murdered everyone. 

Da-

IT'S ALL MY FAU- *static*

.

Tim started talking after the audio cut to static.

"What you just heard is the last, partially recovered therapy session of Danny's in Chicago. The cameras were beyond salvaging. No one except Danny knows what happened after the audio cuts. What is known is that nearby witnesses heard what they claim sounded like a 'screaming moan' coming from the therapy room. When doctors and staff went to check; the therapist Mrs. Alders was slumped against the wall, appearing to have been forcefully pushed, with minor head trauma. Danny was curled up on the other side of the room, panicking and muttering about a Dan.

While Mrs. Alders mostly recovered from the incident, she does not know how she ended up slammed against the wall. Once this audio was recovered, it was turned over to the police. Given the severity of the... confession... in conjunction with the apparent assault, the courts decided to move Danny to an asylum for the criminally insane." Tim paused in the debrief, letting the information sink in. After a moment, Duke raised his hand. Jason scoffed at the action.

"This ain't kindergarten kid, say your bit."

"I just, that explains why an asylum in general. But why Arkham?" Tim nodded, pulling up a picture of a document.

"Kid's godfather, business tycoon and multimillionaire, Vlad Masters. Insisted that if his godson should have to go to an asylum, he'll go to the- and I quote- 'Best in the country.' Made a deal with the state that he'll foot the bill while he continues fighting for custody. Apparently didn't do his research enough to know that 'Best Known' and 'Best' are not the same." Bruce had the next question.

"So, Master's doesn't have custody yet?"

"Nope." Tim popped his 'p', pulling up more documents. Investigative reports. "Given Danny's reactions to him, CPS started investigating. Found a lot of shady shit. Narcissism, anger issues, control issues, coercion tactics. 

One agent said he tried to bribe her with a rather large sum of money, which she might have taken if she wasn't well enough off from a family inheritance and mostly doing this work for the kids. Of course, same agent also said he had 'Rancid vibes' and 'tried to posses' her, but her 'Grammy's necklace protected her' so her credibility was deemed iffy.

Still, there's enough there that it's unlikely Masters will be able to gain custody any time soon. So if Gotham's favorite serial adopter with a good track record for helping troubled kids, Brucie Wayne, were to step in..." Tim's smirk is infectious and makes its way around the table. Bruce's lips twitch ver briefly into a fond smile, before dropping back into a frown.

"What do you make of the... confession?" Jason doesn't even try to hold in his groan.

"Seriously, B? It was survivor's guilt or some kind of psychotic episode or something." Damian frowns.

"I would not discredit him so quickly, Hood. After all, his ghosts are real apparently."

"Hnn." Bruce gets that look on his face. The almost constipated frown that means he is going to have to do something unpleasant like host a gala or attend a business meeting or, "I will have to call Constantine to verify what the entity we are dealing with is." 

Jason lets out a gleeful snort. "Have fun with that one, B. In the mean time can I go break our kid out yet or what?"

"Actually, Hood," Jason turns a glare on Tim, who is once again holding his hands up placatingly. "That still leaves us with the issue of making him an escapee and you an accomplice."

"Well fuckin Brucie Wayne can't exactly just walk up to Arkham and ask if they've got any blue eyed black haired boys for him to adopt."

"Not exactly what I'm suggesting here."  Batman sighs.

"What are you suggesting." Tim pulls out a case he had tucked under the desk, a truly devious smirk painted across his face.

"Just a little temporary theft. Only long enough to put the kid's face on the news for Brucie to stumble across." He opens the case, sliding it over to Jason. Inside, a replica of a relic from Tim's own past; resized to fit his bigger, broader brother. "You remember Red X, don't you?" 

The green that had been tinting Jason's vision the whole meeting finally subsides, giving way to wicked mirth.

"Oh, hell yes." 

Batman sighs.

.

"You don't get it do you? I'm still here. I still exist. That means you still turn into me."

Another night, another nightmare of a memory jolting Danny back into the waking world. His chest is tight, a high whine suppressing itself in the back of his throat. Danny's eyes dart around his room, searching for the shadowy void of his most frequent visitor. But Spectra isn't there tonight. She hasn't come back since she was seen by Banana Bat. 

It's strange. Danny had gotten used to waking up with her there, towering over him, shadowy clawed hand resting somewhere on his body as she feasted on his misery. He didn't mind, really. He had plenty to give and she didn't even rough him up too bad. Just enough to keep the psyches concerned. The last 3 days without her presence had been... not lonely. Danny was already lonely. But emptier. Like the one good thing his continued existence was doing for someone had been ripped away.

Truly, Danny felt he had nothing left in this world. Nothing to give, nothing to gain. But he couldn't die. Couldn't unleash full ghost Phantom on the world again. That's what created Dan. No, this was what he had to give. All he had to give. To stay human so that Dan never becomes ghost.  To live, as the least burden he could be, so that Dan never died. 

Clockwork must have known what would happen if Danny fully died. That must be why he spared him. The Observants sentenced Danny to death. But Clockwork was smarter. He sentenced Danny to life. And really, it's such a small price to pay for the sins of his other self. 

Despite what the others say, Arkham isn't hell. The only issue Danny's had was the clown and that's not really anyone's fault. It's just, Danny looked at the Joker and he saw Freakshow. And he saw that stupid staff. And he heard that grating laugh. And all he could think about was how that was the only thing that could still turn him into Dan. If the clown took control again. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't! Not becoming a Dan, not becoming a problem; that's all he could do now! He couldn't he couldn't he couldn't...

Danny was broken out of his spiraling thoughts by the now familiar buzzing echoing clanging sound of another break out. He closed his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. Then, suddenly, he was lifted up, hoisted onto someone's shoulders in a fireman's carry. 

"Damn kid, do you weigh anything?" 

Danny's eyes flew open, his body subconsciously tensed for a fight Danny wouldn't actually fight. The voice, clearly modulated, sounded high and breezy. His head turned to look at the person now forcefully evicting him from his room. Black body suit. White mask. Red slashes in a stylized X. Built like his Dad... Danny had no idea who this was.

For a moment, Danny felt a twinge of fear. He had no idea who this was. They obviously weren't with Arkham. They had just stolen him from his room and, holy shit they were flying now. No. Not flying, grappling. And running. Moving very fast towards the exit. With Danny. For unknown reasons. 

Holy shit, someone was kidnapping a teenager from an insane asylum. That, probably wasn't good. Any normal or sane person would be scared for their health and wellbeing. But, well... Danny was hardly normal. And sane was becoming increasingly questionable. 

And this guy, well he didn't trigger Danny's ghost sense. No chilly breath escaping his mouth. So he was human, not a ghost. It's not like a human could kill Danny. Not with his ghostly healing factor. Sure, they could make his life a living hell. Beat him, violate him, enslave him. But a human couldn't turn him into Dan so... Danny doesn't think he really cares. 

"Um, why are you carrying me?"

"Taking you out of here." 

"Clearly, I meant why?"

"Owe someone a favor." That was mildly concerning. Danny could think of one person who would stoop to this.

"Did Vlad send you?"

"Master's? Nope. He couldn't afford my services."

"Oh. Okay." As long as it wasn't Vlad. They were almost to the main gate now. There was screaming behind them, now. Danny loomed behind them as the person grappled up the wall and vaulted them over. Danny caught the barest glimpse of the twink in a burlap sack mask striding out the door, leaving a noxious cloud in his wake.

Then they're gone, grappling to then moving across rooftops. It's not a bad feeling. Kinda fun even. Flying as a ghost was nice. Really nice. But different from this. Gravity literally didn't touch you if you didn't want it too. But this? Danny could feel the pull of the earth, the force of every swing. Gravity was still there, exerting its influence, but they were defying it. 

For a tiny moment, Danny felt the ghost of a smile on his lips. The good feeling was fleeting, like all his feelings these days. But it was there and it was enough to shock a small "Oh." from Danny.

"Oh what, runt?"

"Nothing, just. Never grappled before. S'nice."

"Oh." It was such a soft thing, Danny once more found himself pondering the intentions of his kidnapper. 

"Do I get to know where we're going?"

"Safe house for the night. I'm your baby sitter."

"And tomorrow?"

"We'll see."

"...Okay."

.

The next morning, Vicki Vale stumbles across the story of her career (so far) sitting dazed and confused in her office. A prepubescent boy in an oversized Arkham uniform? The day after a breakout where Scarecrow and only one other inmate escaped? Oh this is bound to sell.

Okay, I know the show pretty heavily implies that Teen Titans Robin us Dick.

But

What if it was Tim?

#A King in Arkham #DP x DC #my writing #will taglist later #bedtime

[yanyanderes]

If I were to describe who fell into the spiral of obsessiveness first and subsequently started a domino effect then it would go like this.

Donnie almost instantly attached himself to you emotionally when you repeatedly praised him for his good work and not being afraid to give him criticism. Even though it bummed him out at first it made your praise felt a lot more real and rewarding, it also surprised him when you would congratulate him on the smal things, making him feel like he's not just the tech guy.

Leo followed soon after but in a much lowkey way, although he tries to deny it you have a way of making him weak in the beast way, which often leads to him venting about his frustrations and insecurities. It opens up new potential in him that he thought he could never achieve, all thanks to you and your patient heart. He admires you for loving him and not the facade he puts up front.

Despite being the youngest of the bunch Mikey's been feeling like he's walking on eggshells at times when around his brothers. They can be so stubborn, holding in their trauma until it explodes and then he's left to pick up the broken pieces despite being fifteen years old. But you! you're honest about your feelings, he doesn't need to coax it out of you. You tell him when you're sad and won't back down for a beat 'em up game showdown just to cheer him up, he finally feels like a kid again.

Raph is smitten by you, your tenderness towards his brothers and how you help them with some of their internal problems, it makes him want to bury you in his arms along with his family promising that you will be safe. Though he has a tendency to ignore his own emotional needs (guess that runs in the fam huh?) and you notice that. You make time for him to relax for once and ease his worry over the safety of his family, you never seem to ask for anything in return except their friendship. And although your loyalty is commendable he can't help but wonder if you have any alternative motives, don't take it to heart though, he's just cautious. And seeing you with other people isn't helping the situation, and his brothers can't help but agree.

yesss i love this little domino effect

adding on to this a bit, i feel like april is a bit of a unique case. assuming she’s the first one who meets (y/n) and is the one who introduced them to the guys, she is the first one to harbor an obsession towards them, but is the last one to act upon these feelings. allow me to explain;

april clings to (y/n) because of the normalcy they provide. yes, going out and bashing bad guys is fun, but april needs a break every once in a while, and (y/n) is so nice to relax with! they’re the one she goes to for chill movie nights or casual talks at nice restaurants.

at first, she tries to push away these feelings. she’s being way too possessive, and she doesn’t want to weird them out! but then, (y/n) meets the guys (probably by accident) and gets to know them. as the guys start developing obsessions as well, april starts getting a bit jealous. i mean, (y/n) is her best friend! she’s the reason the guys know them in the first place!

so (at least at first) she starts seeing the guys as competition and starts acting on her feelings more. it’s worse if (y/n) doesn’t seem to care much for the way the turtles act around them. i mean, if this behavior is so bad then (y/n) would’ve said something about it by now. soon, her behavior starts to rationalize in april’s mind, until this obsession, the very thing april tried to hide, turns into the new normal.

she eventually decides to share with the guys after seeing how well they work together, though. after all, the more the merrier.

#yandere rottmnt #yandere tmnt #yandere teenage mutant ninja turtles #yandere rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #yandere tmnt 2018 #yandere april #yandere leo #yandere donnie #yandere raph #yandere mikey #yandere rottmnt raph #yandere rottmnt leo #yandere rottmnt mikey #yandere rottmnt donnie #yandere rottmnt april #yandere #yan-asks

[kyouka-supremacy]

i wanna hear your thoughts about black lizard <3

S U R E. I love the Black Lizards so much, in my mind they really are the closest to family the pm has. You have these two very dysfunctional traumatized kids made of:

Gin we don't know much about except that they grew up in the mafia and have a brother who literally doesn't know how to express any emotion that isn't raw primordial rage

Tachihara who like. Where do I even start, since childhood had major younger sibling complex™ that evolved into trauma when said brother died in war making him also develop major revenge complex™, was dysfunctional to the point of becoming a thug to cope with his complexes, got caught and recluted by the fucking police that on top of likely body modifications assigned him to be a spy at (makes some very quick calculations) 16, apparently, to the major criminal and most dangerous organization of Yokohama

They both found themselves working in the mafia under pretty similar circumstances, two (by the looks of it) non ability users yet nonetheless exceptionally skilled mafiosi which allowed them to climb the ranks of the pm pretty quickly. Their similar positions and complementary skills made them perfect fit to take part of an accurately schemed, all-comprehensive team that could carry out both long range attacks (Tachihara) and close range assassinations (Gin), accompanied by someone who could fill in anything the other two missed– a pm veteran, powerful ability user with enough experience to handle any escalation, and also pass on his experience to train the next generation of pm high ranks. That's how the Black Lizard was born, a team set up with clinical precision, the perfect cold expression of what the pm is like under Mori. But it was never accounted to be a family! In fact, it probably started off on a rocky start, because what else would you expect by putting together two teens - let's say the Black Lizard was formed about three years after Tachihara joined the pm and one year before the current events, so when both Gin and Tachihara were 18 - who their entire lives never experienced a single interpersonal interaction that wasn't conflictual. Still, somewhat held back from exploding into extreme conflictual outburst by their intimidating senior (who very conveniently is also proficient in handling dysfunctional teens), Gin and Tachihara kind of… Start getting each other. Or at least, start thinking they do. And soon enough their shared experiences and feelings bring them closer than they ever felt with anyone else. Because they're both like, this guy gets it!! They get what it feels like having an older brother that is so distant from you you can't seem to connect with in anyway. They get what it means having to toughen up so to not give any chance to the world to hurt you, what it feels like to hide your soft core. Even despite neither of them being aware of the other's secret identity, that's another thing they have in common and probably got them even closer. I've talked about it before but to me Gin and Tachihara became to each other the brother they always wanted but never had- someone you could take jabs with, share inside jokes, playfully send death threats to - overall, just the warm, genuine and fun feeling of siblinghood compared to the stiff and distant relationship with their older brothers that has hurt them a lot in the past (about that, at this point I truly fail to interpret the Black Lizard scene in chapter 5 any other way. “You're two minutes late” “Creepy ol' Gin's even later than me” “Ever the freak, ain'cha” “Enough, you imbeciles! Or would you prefer to be listed among the casualties?”: in no world the whole conversation between the three of them doesn't sound family-like. I can swear to you the Gin / Tachihara interaction is just the average siblings experience.)

They're so family!!!! They're so family, they make me cry. Chaotic siblings and their exasperated grandpa who loves them very much. The father figure neither of them ever had!! (I mean, Gin never had. Tachihara we can't exactly say, but if anything the little flashback of his family in chapter 73 doesn't look good). I think so much about Hirotsu and Gin specifically, Hirotsu taking Gin under his wing, Gin genuinely holding affection towards him to the point she'd even show herself more vulnerable to him and sincerely treat him as a father; in my headcanon, Hirotsu is the only person in the pm and thus the entirety of Yokohama to know Gin is a girl other than Ryuunosuke, Mori and Kouyou (and Verlaine? How are they related again?).

Idk, in my mind deep deep down Gin is a little more hopeful (or naïve, depends on how you want to see it) compared to Ryuunosuke; not that she trusts people (she doesn't), but she does believe some, very little people can actually be… Good, and well intentioned, which is a low standard but still better than Ryuunosuke believing all people are fundamentally always selfishly fighting for survival and the sorts (actually, I think Ryuunosuke is the exact reason Gin doesn't believe that, because knowing him taught her that even the most ruthless, heartless of people can still hold affection and dedication– and I'm talking about his devotion and utter love for her).

I digress, but you see how they're really this little family. They'd go on family trips and have card games and stay late at night to work on their plan for their next mission and Hirotsu would narrate exaggerated gangster stories to a Tachihara with sparkling eyes and Tachihara would make sure to cook for everyone and make a little more for Ryuunosuke too because one night Gin confessed to him she worries about how little he eats. They're family.

Except they're not. except Gin has her secrets and Tachihara has his secrets and Hirotsu has his secrets nobody can share with the others. And Gin and Tachihara are young and passionate and living the moment, are happy and satisfied with how their lives are now, whereas Hirotsu is highly perceptive and thanks to his sixth sense given from being a pm veteran he can read the signs and he just… Knows something's up with all of them, knows the good times won't last much longer; and yet can't bring himself to voice it because he loves his new subordinates / kids too much and really can't ruin their fleeting happiness, the first time in their lives they feel, more or less consciously, like they finally found a place for them. So it's all so bittersweet and tragic, you see what I mean???

Btw, Gin really doesn't have the slightest idea that Tachihara is a spy. Like, even worse than that, when she'll found out she'll first go through severe denial. She's going to hate him for that, like she never hated anyone before. And Tachihara is going to be so obviously heartbroken!! And it's so sad, because both of them are doomed to lose the closest brothers they ever had– in Tachihara's case, for the second time. It's so tragic.

Chapter 77… Man, chapter 77. Black Lizard is THE pm family, seriously. Just- I don't even know how to describe it: the warm and domestic and familiar feeling to the scene, the image of a family coming together again after having surpassed an hard time, Gin with her guard completely down and so serene, comfortable, ecstatic from the relief that despite all that happened all of them are safe and sound, and nothing else matters. The way Gin and Hirotsu cackle when Tachihara asks them if he's suited for the mafia. For Gin, the idea he isn't is absurd, insane– that's how Tachihara has always been, her mafioso coworker, her partner, friend, brother. For Hirotsu, it's the confirmation of that something is off he's already sensed so many other times; yet, he wants to reassure Tachihara, like a father would do to his son; he wants to keep the family together a little longer, as long as possible, cherish those last little serene moments where they can still be a family. And it's such a gentle, heartbreaking scene, the bittersweet knowledge that Tachihara knows that's the last time the Black Lizard can still be a family, Hirotsu who probably took a good guess on that, Gin being completely oblivious to it. How the image of the wounded bodies of Gin and Hirotsu - his wounds - is going to hunt Tachihara forever. I just love the Black Lizard so much!!! The tragic family who was brought together for one year which is alos probably going to be the only year of happiness the three of them will experience their entire lives which will change all of them profoundly to the point no one will ever be the same after breaking apart really does it for me (╥﹏╥)

#Me: Ahah I don't really cry easily when consuming media‚ the only chapters that made me cry in bsd were the Yosano chapters #*Rereads chapter 77* *Streams of tears profusely start running down my face* #Double digits chapters really ARE the most moving chapters #gin akutagawa #michizō tachihara #ryūrō hirotsu #bsd black lizard #I've said it a thousand times but Black Lizard really IS reverse spy × family. #The sicario the spy the person with huge age difference from the other two who's only half aware of the spy's plans #But most importantly!! The bittersweet feeling of knowing the family is inevitably going to break apart- #as soon as the mission is over and it's going to be painful for everyone #ryūnosuke akutagawa #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd ch 05 #bsd ch 73 #bsd ch 77 #mine #people asks me stuff #THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING I love talking them #Also. seriosuly we don't appreciate Hirotsu enough he's as much of a fundamental piece of the Black Lizard family as the other two #To quote another post of mine that's in queue: #“Hirotsu is the true mvp. He saw the next pair of dysfunctional teens with knives to each other's throats- #who would implode the moment anyone showed them true affection and went #‘uh. I'm going to make this SO family’ and actually did it nobody does it like him”

[the-light-finds-its-way]

So yesterday, I was diagnosed with PTSD officially. I came to learn I've been in fight or flight for years. Literally like 10 years almost. With no breaks to put me at ease except for maybe 1 or 2 that I can remember.

I'm always looking for the next threat, the next danger, all around me, everywhere around me, and the next moment someone is going to blow up at me. I've been anxious 24/7 to the point of wanting to either fight it or hide, and well, that's not ok, obviously.

There's this 24/7 inherent sense of myself doing something wrong, that something will GO wrong, that I am wrong. And I've learned that's the PTSD talking. That's the effects of it. The aftermath.

PTSD is not just thinking about the past traumas that affect you. It's not about a haunting past that lingers in the air around you until you can't stop thinking about it. It's the leftovers of that past, the remnants, the shards of shrapnel it explodes into your body and leaves behind that are so miniscule that not even the world's greatest surgeons can remove them. You have to live with them. You just walk around this world, a living explosion survivor, but if you bear no scars from the damage they did on the outside, nobody knows you suffered. Mine are all inside. The bombs were words, the shrapnel their remaining pinpricks that stuck my soul and can't be pulled out so easily because they're embedded into a thing I can't reach.

I am in pain.

But now, I'm given meds to help the pain. Hopefully. I'm not sure yet. I really don't know, and I'm scared of the unknown. But that's normal. It's just about the only thing normal about me at this point.

I'll be strong for just a bit longer, bear this pain for a while more, and let myself feel what comes. I'll be ok. Eventually... I know this air of dread won't last forever. I'll be free someday, and walk, and never live in fear of where I'm going, what I'm doing, anything like that. I won't have to have a panic attack going to a new store at the mall. I won't have to throw up my dinner from anxiety, reminding me of when I was bulimic.

I'm going to be ok.

#mun is a titan #not destiny

[florenceisfalling]

gripping [redacted irl person] by the shoulders.

it does not matter how many r/egg_irl astolfo memes you pull up quite literally asking for random people (including cishets you just met???) to figure out your gender for you. the other queers are not going to feel safe around you when you spend your entire time on campus harassing people, misgendering transmascs in romantically/sexually charged ways, and getting a trans woman (who you Also misgender!) kicked out of her fucking housing. using "i wanna be a girl but im still cis though 👉👈" doesn't come across as endearing anymore when you tell younger transmascs that you wanna make them your gf and have kids with them, or when you used to tell everyone you were a cishet dude and literally fucking ran to physically chase down lesbians you'd never spoken to walking alone at night, or when you. I REITERATE. got a fucking trans woman kicked out of her dorm while calling her a man!! force her to switch to different housing by calling the fucking campus police on her because youre sad!!! and then lie saying she called them on you!!!! the only reason i felt bad for you and was nice to you was bc i thought you were just a sad maybe-autistic maybe-ace person who needed friends (and then maybe-trans maybe-woman maybe-lesbian) but your college experience seems dedicated to making life as hard as possible for every autie, trans person, woman, ace person, lesbian, and various mixes of the above you encounter - and then fucking lying and threatening everyone you consider your "friends" to get what you want after they repeatedly ask you to stop. i had enough of this when my exfriend fucking molested a girl and then said "i think i might be a transbian" as a poor attempt at an excuse (as if tgirls get away with that shit? as if they arent horribly scrutinized??) until all his cis guy friends forgot abt the girl's trauma and then went back to "nvm im a cishet guy :)" once everyone was chill with him again. i am fucking beyond tired of it now that its someone pulling the "i think i might be a transbian too" after fucking up so bad you couldve made a tgirl homeless and openly misgendering and mistreating other tgirls and sexually harassing other queers and refusing to spend any time around trans people (except for those you perceive as cis women - of course, including trans people who don't pass to your liking). stop asking me to decide whether your egg needs cracked or not and start treating trans women (and everyone else, too, what the fuck is wrong with you??) with respect and maybe you'll get some satisfying advice (since you didnt take mine) but at this point everyone is either scared of you or fucking hates you and theres not a single trans person ive met on this campus who has anything to say about you other than "oh yeah, that person stalked me/my friends". like sorry if im a little hesitant to validate you (AS IF YOU DESERVE IT AFTER CALLING SECURITY ON A TGIRL TO KICK HER OUTTT MY GOD I HATE YOU) but you also said "oh dont worry im ace :)" after sending weird sexual shit to someone (after they asked you to fucking QUIT) so youre not new to using your identity as a shield and now turning around and talking abt how you MAYBE are HYPOTHETICALLY a tgirl teehee but you cant decideeeee doesnt change the fact that your actions suck ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE

#serious transphobia/sa/harassment mention sorry

[mlobsters]

supernatural s14e15 peace of mind (story: meghan fitzmartin, steve yockey; teleplay: meghan fitzmartin)

what in the riverdale is going on in this opening

JACK You want to know how much of my soul I had to burn off to kill Michael. CASTIEL Yes. JACK I don't know. I try not to think about it.

well cas has this fun and painful method just jamming his hand up in your chest cavity and we can find out

guess we're picking the rando au people we didn't know except kinda maggie for sam to be traumatized over (my long held irritation over no mystery spot trauma rears its ugly head :p but it's only just gotten way worse over the years) way back when they used to follow those things through pretty regularly

so sam's running off to the riverdale hunt because he can't stand to not be busy

CASTIEL You were right. Jack is struggling. And I've tried, but -- DEAN Why do you think he'll talk to me? CASTIEL Well, because he looks up to you. And his soul -- I mean, you've seen this before. DEAN No, no. No. See, I was -- I was not great with Sam, you know, when he was uh... CASTIEL But Jack's soul isn't completely gone. At least I don't think so. W-We just don't know how much is left. DEAN Well, how am I supposed to figure that out? CASTIEL I don't know! Just talk to him. Get him to open up. And then sleep until the cows come home.

the stuffed face eyeroll :p i know it's part of his schtick but i hate the massive bites thing.

literally the most impractical cars they could pick for traveling cross country for hunts. old fucking american cars. sure to break down constantly and consume staggering amounts of fuel

SAM I'm good. I'm good, honestly. CASTIEL Yeah, I know. Everybody's good. But after this, maybe Dean's right. You need to rest. SAM Can't.Just because I'm tired doesn't mean the monsters are gonna stop, you know? Doesn't mean anything. Plus we don't have as many Hunters as we used to.

a) love to see the snark from cas b) that is the LAMEST excuse because they had this surplus of hunters for what.. a handful of months at most? i don't even know. NOT VERY LONG.

CASTIEL Yeah. It's like we're stepping into a Saturday Evening Post. I look at them sometimes after you fall asleep at night. They're very soothing.

do they have a stockpile in the bunker of them? is he reading them on the internet? so many questions. and reminder of the weirdness of him never sleeping

is the free milkshake gonna put the 50s whammy on sam?

CASTIEL Oh, no. His head exploded. CHIP I'm sorry! CASTIEL Like a ripe melon on the sun.

occasionally the way they do his social obliviousness does hit for me

SAM Passionate how? CASTIEL She spends, uh, quite a bit of time talking about the -- the shape and the heft of his --

LOL ok

guess we're going with clueless!dean dealing with the maybe-soulless!jack. hokay. the stilted attempt at bonding over the snake, the ... test of angel food or devil's food snack cakes...

MS DOWLING Oh. The very nice, the very tall fella? CASTIEL Yes.

LOL cas in a huff over the lady being charmed by sam. and the milkshake lady too. yes, looking for the very tall man 🙄

good "does not compute" face from cas

JACK I don't know. I know I don't feel nothing, but I don't feel the same, either. And maybe I just don't know what nothing feels like. Mostly, I just don't want Sam and Dean and Cass to worry. DONATELLO They're your family. Families worry. JACK But I just -- I need time and space to figure things out on my own, but everywhere I go, there's someone looking over my shoulder. DONATELLO Ah. When I need to, uh, "blend," I ask myself, "What would Mr. Rogers do?" JACK Who's Mr…. DONATELLO Rogers? The best man I know. Sam and Dean are the best men I know.So, ergo, whenever you don't want them to worry, just think "WWWD" -- "What Would the Winchesters Do?" JACK I can do that.

reminds me a bit of amos in the expanse, knows he doesn't have a good moral compass so naomi is often is his. ps you should watch this show. it's so, so good.

the expanse s1e2 AMOS Ask me whether or not I should rip your helmet off and kick you off this bucket, and I couldn't give you a reason why I should or shouldn't. Except Naomi wouldn't like it.

--

DEAN So he's not like you? DONATELLO Oh, no. I'm a Prophet of the Lord, but he -- Jack's probably the most powerful being in the universe. I mean, really, who knows what's going on inside his head?

like okay so we're regressing to dean being freaked out over jack's powers now i guess, with the questionable morality. but also, surely jack can't be more powerful than the most juiced up god? why didn't archangels go around making little stronger-than-god creatures before

CHIP What, did you think it was the milkshakes?

well, they got me too. still unclear what this dude's deal is even after that long speech

CASTIEL Sam, I know you want to be happy. And I know what it's like to lose your army. I know what it's like to fail as a leader, Sam. But you can't lose yourself. You have to keep fighting. You can't lose yourself, because if you do, you fail us. You fail all of those that we've lost. You fail Jack. Sam, you fail Dean.

said the magic word to wake him up. can't let dean down

DEAN Heard you wore a cardigan. CASTIEL Yeah, I told him about the cardigan. SAM Great. Thanks. DEAN And the wife. He said you were, uh, really happy. SAM Thanks.

i would like to imagine this taking place as texting with pictures

DEAN Really happy, huh? SAM I mean, I guess I was happy, but… It wasn't real, you know? Just… DEAN Well, not a lot of happy goin' on around here. SAM I hate this place right now. I hate it. Everywhere I look, I see them. I see Maggie. I guess that's why, uh -- why I was so desperate to get out of here, why I kept running us ragged. But I got to stop that. I-I can't keep running. I -- This is my home. This is our home. Dean, I think I just need some time. DEAN Okay.

just give him a hug, dean. bah. shoulder pat and walking away, lame. anyway, good on you, sam! telling him straight up why you're struggling. kinda would like to see a little more support other than the immediately complying with the need for time/space from dean, but ok.

JACK Cas says you miss your friend. You need help. Sam and Dean would help you, so -- so I'll help you. I'll help you see your friend again. In Heaven.

lol great great. and cas got to see it.

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 14x15 #meghan fitzmartin #steve yockey

[willel]

If I remember correctly you do not exactly ship Byler, right?

If you feel free to talk about this topic, I wanted to ask you something as a non-shipper; would you be okay with Will having a new boyfriend (even if we'll see Will and his boyfriend for a couple of episodes), or would you want him to just get over Mike but ultimately just be happy about himself and accepting himself?

I do not consider Byler possibly happening because i do not think it is going to. That's why I am just asking your opinion without including Byler as a possibility.

Ye, I don't ship any of the ships, though I make some exceptions for Jopper and a bit of Jancy. Now Lumax. Even with those, if they didn't end up together, I would not be bothered so you can see why I'm not sure if I can really call myself a shipper.

At the end of the day, I want these characters to be happy. I want them to feel personally fulfilled. I want them to feel accomplished and self assured. I don't want their happiness to depend on another person being with them romantically. I want them to have achieved SOME happiness, even if it's not ALL the happiness.

I, as a person, do not view having a romantic relationship as the end all be all of happiness. Even for characters whose entire story is about romance, I think there is more to be said about the other things they succeed in doing whether they "get the girl" (or boy) or not.

It doesn't matter to me if Will gets a boyfriend. It doesn't matter to me if El keeps a boyfriend. The "boyfriend" is just one possibility for their happiness, not the ultimate solution. In fact, it's such a tiny fraction that people decide to hone in on for some reason.

What I'm looking for is for Will to feel like he isn't a mistake. For him to feel safe telling his loved ones who he really is. (really hoping for Joyce in this case) For him to not be the third-wheel friend. For him to feel confident to speak his mind sooner before he explodes like he tends to do. I want him to feel like he's someone's first priority in a good way whether it's platonic or romantic. I want him to realize he can keep his old friends AND make new ones, he doesn't have to subject himself to this harsh loneliness.

As I stated in the past, I have no idea what the hell the writers are doing with the Byler/Mileven plot line and I think they already screwed it up beyond repair so I care about it even less now. To me, it looks nothing more than potential teenage drama Teen Wolf style or something. Or should I saw Twilight. Whichever is worse. Not necessarily because that's how it's written, but because of how it's been perceived by the fandom and how everyone has been behaving.

Will's story arc about his sexuality and slowly coming to terms with what he thinks is his place in the world is sad and so very interesting. Not to mention how this supernatural plot is wrapped up in his personal growth and trauma. The actual romantic part of it? Eh.... doesn't pull me. (and neither does El's lovelife)

Having read all that, I'm sure you and others can understand why a lot of people support something like Byler whether it happens or not, but also why there are plenty of other gateways that can lead to Will's happiness that can or won't include another guy. I don't know which is more likely.

I have no idea what the writers are doing with this dumb love triangle bonanza and I could've lived my life without it. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not looking forward to the conclusion. I just know when season 5 hits, I will be blocking all the ship tags. My opinion doesn't matter at all. No ones does except the writing team and their whiteboard.

I'd like to leave off with this. Something I like to reiterate on all posts like this. CANON DOESN'T MATTER. If you ship a ship, then ship it. It's your business and no one else. No one can tell you what to like. There is no law on the books that you can only ship canon. I ship one of the biggest non-canon ships in history probably and we're chill and minding our own business even with canon people constantly spamming us or stealing our content for themselves.

So I'm just sayin', whatever side of this silly war you are on, you'll be way better off not bothering the other side and enjoying your own ship to the very end.

[heyharoldsboo]

ok I have a theory I would like to share and I hesitated a while because I will very kindly ask you all not to go harass this person on reddit (whoever she is) if you know what I am talking about. If she is a legit victim she deserves respect so please dont make it worse for her. If she is not, then don't give these girls the attention anymore please, they dont deserve it. Lets keep it on this blog between us please. That is why I dont want to share the link of that reddit post but I am sure most of you know what im talking about.

So here it goes, bare with me.

About mid-december a post was published on reddit about how a actor who was in a popular Netiflix show that was trending had cause a lot of trauma to the Original Poster (OP on reddit). That it also involved SA. Im sure you have all heard about it. The OP refused to say exactly what was done to her in terms of SA? if you are anonymous on reddit, why not share your story fully if you will go on and post about it?

Anyways, after the allegations came out, it was updated to say it was about Percy.

When this whole mess started on Jan18, some twitter accounts were making threads about all the awful stuff Percy has done, liked, shared etc. (all at once in the span of 2-3 hours btw for some reason, kind of convenient no?)

This particular reddit post was sent to one of these threads by a twitter account who said they were just scrolling through reddit and found the post. I wont share it because I dont want people to go harass this person whoever it is and give more attention as well, but I did find the twitter account who first shared the reddit post on twitter. Mind you this twitter account who first shared the reddit post was created in January 2023 and has not tweeted anything sinc except this. All this account does is like stuff. Kind of convenient again...

Aries and the girls then retweeted this reddit post as more "proof". Now I have been on reddit for a while and that would be a very hard post to find because there are no titles suggesting this would be about Percy. So I think this person knew where to look and what they were looking for.

Also the OP had not commented on her reddit post for a while, but went back to comment on the post about 6 days ago to say that there's more girls that have not said anything. Aries went public on twitter again about 6 days ago...you see where im going with this?

This reddit post was first posted around the same time (a couple days difference) when Aries started trashing Percy on twitter in December, saying how she wants him "gone from the world". She tried the "he threw wild parties, he is a rapist" bit in December as well during an interaction with a friend on twitter. I cant find said tweets anymore because her friend went private but it was this one: https://twitter.com/ellieandjoeI. It did not pick up in December. They tried again in January by commenting on a Wavier shipper account on twitter and then in exploded.

Also the latest comment on the reddit post that was made about 22 hours ago at this time (if you go find the reddit post and sort by new). You can read the full comment if you wish but this person is saying "This Reddit post was posted when Wednesday was gaining popularity and there were no names attached and it was just a general support post. This was not posted after the allegations came out....... This a safe space for people suffering from PTSD and don’t come onto my support post claiming I’m lying. "...there is not a single comment, i swear not a single one on this entire reddit post saying that she is lying. Everyone was supporting her there. She sounds erratic in her latest comment. People are saying these girls are lying on twitter mainly. So I dont know whey she is freaking out on reddit.

Imo this reddit OP is Aries. Or at least one of the girls who accused him on twitter or a friend or whoever I don't know. But I think this person knows Aries. And if that is true, I think this kind of proves this is all a scam because Aries acted like she had never seen this reddit post when she shared in on twitter.

This is just a theory and i cant confirm it it any way, and it can probably be disproven but the original posting just as Aries was starting to bash Percy, another comment just when Aries went back on public 6 days ago, and now this latest comment of the OP freaking out. I dunno...again, just a theory

But please dont go commenting on this reddit post if yall have reddit and find it, it will not do anyone any good and just gather more attention on the matter. So I beg you dont do it. Just give me your thoughts on my theory instead. Thanks! hope i made sense lol i dont know anymore

Thanks for sharing this theory with me, Anon. I’m sure that the people on this blog won’t harass anyone. We’re not like the twitter trolls.

I agree with you. The only thing is that I don’t think Miss Shitshow #1 could actually write such a long and coherent text. So maybe one of her friends.

#percy is innocent #i stand with percy #heyharoldsboo

[mxttellion]

Your recent post has made me curious about your experience. I was an onlooker/lurker to Eddsworld until late March/Early April.

Man. Where do I even begin, genuinely

guess you can call this The Not So Extensive Neb Eddsworld Lore because. I have a LOT to talk about. It's been almost a decade I've seen pretty much everything despite having joined in like. Late 2013

I discovered Eddsworld back in 2012 via Flipnote Hatena (fly high sweet angel), and I never actually actively cared about the series until September 2013, when I decided to give the series a shot after snobbing it for so long: and lol I'm obsessed

Also since I'm funny as all hell I'm gonna address to different eras of my experience with the characters I was obsessed with at the moment

This is what I call my Tom Era: I wasn't on any actual social media yet, except for Sudomemo and DeviantArt, where I had multiple rps with people and got scolded by someone's sister over roleplaying (ya that happened and it's still funny as hell)

Jump to uh. Late 2014 - 2015 when I actually join Tumblr with my main (the ogs will know <3) and that's when I actually started being active in the fanbase and produce content, this is the uh. Matt and Eduardo era? Sure why not. I made a lot of content of them and I don't like talking about this moment bc of personal trauma sorry lol <3

The sasquatch drama happened in this fragment of time, and some might even remember that I've talked about it in this blog at some point

Anyway it's the pre The End - Legacy era, the fandom was really small and everyone pretty much knew the other for better or for worse

Oh I had a Matt ask blog. Don't look for it or I'll get you and I'll bite you

I got a Flipnote I made in 2015 reblogged by Tomska and I felt like my life was complete, and a fanart liked by Kreid (poweredd animator in case u forgot)

Shit happens and now we're in 2016, the fandom explodes, i have no FUCKING idea was was going on at first but man. Man if it wasn't kind of funny to watch

Anyway it's important to also note that I uh. Don't. Really remember a lot from 2016-2017, no idea why, maybe it's just my brain going full on traumatic amnesia mode and deleting everything. But also this post is wayy too long on its own so I'll cut it short

I made that one magical au? I was an emotionally charged undiagnosed teenager so maybe being so active on the internet wasn't a great idea, I got teased by a "cringe art" account for my au who got BLASTED within an hour of existing, I made the Salty AU in 2018 with the ask blog, joined Amino which was just. The worst idea I had in that year alone, joined the official server in 2019 only to leave everything related to eddsworld behind in 2020 because holy shit what was that ... Also there's an high change that Matt has seen my au but I talked about this already.

Then came back in 2021 and the rest is history. Matt Mod, Patryck hyperfixation, yeah you know it

I cut it VERY short bc there's. A lot I don't wanna talk about (just. Personal unpleasant experiences) but man. Man if I don't sound like a mad man talking about this, like dude I've spend sooo much time in the fanbase and I've seen sooo much shit going on, it's like as if I'm talking to a therapist about this or something

#ta dah. just another long post on mxttellion dot com whats new #i really tried to be brief here honestly #rxplies #out of ew #pxrsonal #txt pxst

[brown-little-robin]

which of your clones would do the best/most enjoy a road trip?

um Lu I may have... gone a little overboard on this one. So I'm gonna answer your actual ask here but add a readmore for people who want to know exactly how every single one of the clones would deal with a road trip!

Four would officially do the best on a road trip. Reasoning: He would probably stay functional the entire time, even on a multi-day outing, which, bless these traumatized children, cannot be said with certainty of clones Seven through Ten. Out of the clones who could actually handle a whole road trip (Two through Six), I'm eliminating Two because he would be too stressed out to really enjoy the trip. I'm eliminating Three because he would struggle for control of the expedition, making the road trip, at best, awkward. Five is out because he would have a bad attitude. Six would love a road trip except that his social battery would get drained way too fast and leave him miserable... It comes down to Four, therefore, who not only has the stamina and social battery to survive a long road trip but also would genuinely enjoy it.

But Eight would enjoy a roadtrip the most. He's just so amazed to be able to experience stuff with people! And he would take more joy in the social parts of the trip than Four. Eight is more of an extrovert than the others and would love the car games and talking to people.

Eight isn't the best on a car trip for reasons explained below.

(Because I would want it, here is a link to visually orient yourself to what the clones look like!)

Two: likes nature in theory, skeptical about manmade landmarks, hates being cramped with other people with no control of his personal space. Would not have much fun but would bear it reasonably well. Attuned to his brothers' comfort levels if he's on a road trip with them and goes full Mama Bear if any of them are visibly stressed out. Three: LOVES it. For all of an hour. Tries to take over the planning and add new destinations. Gets bored in the car. Fights parents for permission to just run to their destination instead. A road trip would provoke a whole crisis of authority in the Martel family. Three would have intermittent fun and be exploding with impatience at other times. So.... mixed results? Four: enjoys it. He loves being in nature and cool old buildings; he'd wander in a pleasant kind of serenity through a road trip and put up with the people around him with good grace. The cramped car wouldn't be an issue if he had something to keep his hands busy. The awkwardness of having to reorient himself every time a different alter fronts and see Jay and Joan's reactions to how often he switches and how clearly he doesn't remember his isolated experiences would put a damper on things, though. Five: how would you even convince him to go?? he has a MISSION to do, he can't go on a road trip. And after he's done with his mission, he's a homebody (except for his love of sailing out on the ocean but that's DIFFERENT.) Also, he'd have to deal with complicated relationships for hours on end, ugh. He would reluctantly enjoy it eventually, though, especially if Two (his emotional support family member) was there to talk to. Six: loves hiking and exploring!! He'd not enjoy being out in public for people to stare at as he runs into things (he has vision problems), and he'd drain his social interaction resources REAL fast, but he would actually like the road trip part. Also, the stargazing and late-night conversations would make the awkwardness worth it. Seven: please, please don't make him be around strangers. Seven would wear a medical mask to hide his teeth but still be self-conscious and gets overwhelmed very fast. Also, being trapped in a small space with people? would bring up trauma reactions. yeah Seven would be miserable. He'd enjoy seeing big animals but that's about it. He would probably have a meltdown within the first two days and Three would have to take him home. Eight: would run into logistical problems since he can only manifest a physical form into the world for a few hours at a time. Other than that, though, he'd like a road trip. He'd get along with everyone. He'd smooth arguments over like a pro, distracting or calling people out as needed. He'd play car games. Eight would be a delight to have on a road trip. If he could stay more than three hours. Technically Eight can be around 24/7, but who wants to share a car or hotel room with an entity made out of lightning who can't sleep, contains all the memories of every dead relative you have, and tends to project his thoughts directly into your mind? Nine: depends on... when. He would be the worst road trip companion ever during his screaming-fighting-rebellious don't-call-me-anything-but-Inertia days, obviously. But once he's calmed down a little, he could actually be decent, if a little overactive. Nine has lots of excess energy to burn and putting him in a car for hours is just asking for him to start fights. However, he would like the destination spots and the greasy travel food. Ten: the advisability of bringing a nonverbal kid who deals with severe paranoid episodes on a road trip is questionable. However, if he's having a good day (or a few good days in a row), he would be a pretty decent to travel with. He's quiet (obviously), doesn't ask for much and doesn't start fights unless he feels threatened. But... with Nine around... ugh. It would be difficult. Ten would be okay on a road trip, though, especially if he's allowed to have his mp3 player and earbuds in most times.

#clones chart #basically #I need to organize my clone tags again #cloneboards

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

I love that you share my love for Charmed and was curious which five or so episodes you consider the most rewatchable? Dead Man Dating, Morality Bites, Sin Fransisco, Lost and Bound and Forever Charmed (and literally about 100 more!) are some I've watched an insane number of times and still never tire of :)

Ooh this is an interesting question because rewatchable isn't always synonymous with best or favourite episodes.

I like your choices! They're all great episodes (except Forever Charmed which I'm really not a fan of for reasons I won't go into haha). Lost and Bound is an episode I've rewatched many times and also makes my personal list.

The most rewatchable episodes have definitely shifted for me with time. At certain periods in my life I had go-to episodes that I don't watch as much anymore. Anyways, let's get into it.

I'm choosing 7 episodes because I can't narrow it down any more than that 😂 In chronological order they are:

P3 H2O

I love the camp setting and how this episode gives focus to each of the sisters' and how Patty's death impacted them. I like seeing Prue having to face her greatest fears surrounding the trauma of her mom's death. All round it's just a very rewatchable episode despite being on the more emotional side.

Ms Hellfire

Prue is my favourite sister so I love it because it feels like a Prue-centric episode. I love seeing her play dress up and her chemistry with Bane. Barbas is also one of the best demons and it's always fun when he makes a return.

Chick Flick

I don't even think an explanation is necessary here. This is just a fun episode. I like the concept of movie characters coming off the big screen and attacking the sisters, there's great comedic moments and it's all round an entertaining episode.

Coyote Piper

I've watched this episode more times than I can count. I think it's an incredible episode for Prue and Piper's relationship and them as individual characters. I like seeing the implications of Piper being possessed and how the suspicion that something is up with her slowly grows. I don't know what it is about this one but it just hits in all the right places for me.

Hell Hath No Fury

Another episode on the more emotional side but my god, so rewatchable for me. I like seeing Phoebe and Cole's relationship being so strong, I enjoy seeing Paige trying to find her place in the family and figuring out her powers, Piper's grief over losing Prue finally exploding and how her transformation into a fury is the perfect metaphor for that. I love the final scene in the episode between Piper and Paige where Piper finally starts to accept Paige. Emotionally this episode is so rewarding.

Lost and Bound

I love this episode from a character perspective. Piper embracing her powers and the perspective that magic is a gift, how her relationship with Tyler plays off of her wanting to become a mother, Paige coming into her magic, Phoebe's fears of losing herself in marriage and Cole figuring out how to be human. There are some funny moments with Grams' ring, "What are you doing? This is no time to be taking a bath."

Y Tu Mummy Tambien

This is a great episode for the bond between the sisters and I love watching it for that. Piper having to choose between Phoebe and Paige and not being able to, the sisters overcoming Jeric and Cole simply through their bond as sisters. Piper and Cole's face off is also so fun to watch. There are some light hearted moments with Piper trying maternity clothes and the end scene with her finally embracing her bump and Phoebe and Paige having a pamper session. It's a very easy episode to sink into.

Thanks for asking, lovely! I always love an opportunity to talk about Charmed with fellow fans 😊

#ask #answered #no-one-is-totally-normal #charmed #p.s. sorry if this ask has been sitting here for a while the mobile app is RUBBISH at showing notifications for my inbox

[renticat]

Sweet approach but my head is exploding.

I know it's just wrong to be so open on the internet I mean Do you want someone to use your words against you or something? Yeah not. Okay I keep typing yeah and gosh idk, not formal and all the sigh in my head just filled up because I think I am out of words now.

I should be doing something instead of saddened by the fact that people who had been hurt me back then hurt me again. Hmm and I thought explaining can clearing some misunderstanding and yes it does but over-explaining is not. And this is fawning response in Psychology mostly stemmed from childhood trauma, when a kid have over aggressive parents that will beat the shit out of you if you do something that's not favorable to them and you try to defense yourself by explained the whole situation but then in reality it doesn't spare you from the beating. It's because it's who they are, they don't listen to anything except it's about them (narcissistic people) or it's benefitting to them.

I don't want to keep writing some shit, I also want to wrote some happy things about myself but then I mostly can't lie and despise it. Yesterday, I read my old facebook post, back then when I was just teenager. And I am smiling in pity manner because I haven't got myself out of that crazy situation but now I have understood that mostly is not about me at all. All the headache and constant emotional turmoils are from this crazy environment. Mostly I am so chill but the world makes me anxious, people and their expectations. Then don't put too much care about it, well it's easier to be said than to be done if it's just someone you don't know, but this is someone who you want to be good and get long because in most of stories you and them are supposedly to love each other unconditionally but crap that's not how it works, at least not to some people. Some people are lucky and others wonder why the hell that life becomes so unbearable, like they only like you if you are certain type of what they wish you are molded into.

Now thinking about that, my civics teacher are so on point about idea is powerful tools. It's so powerful esp when some people willing to fight with their life just because they think they're right and can't tolerate any other ideas than their own. So right that it hurts because then right and wrong just a matter of majority values instead of personal experience and truth.

It's subjective but then objectively the good morals standard are what's followed by majority of the people of certain areas. Then is different still from one region to another but like basic natural instinct to not hurt others if you don't wish them to attack you back are there just simply because we are all want to survive after all. Unless you give up to the idea of survival, then it doesn't matter anymore.

Questions keep bugging me, and here the morals standard at my home are just everything I love so now I became hated by it. Arts, drawing, dancing, singing is a major NO NO AND PROBLEM. Some people are not thinking that way but some are, mostly but then if you read the holy scripture thoroughly, it's there. (I talked about islam because that's I know much about since I grew up on this but I read about the other religions too). It's like they hate women, oh no I put you in utmost respect and that's why you can't dance because it's promiscuous. Everything about women is like we exist just to cater the desire of the opposite sex. Forget about the same sex, you can't do that. You're insane if you don't like the opposite sex. Something must have been so wrong on your mind.

All the hatred and they values man because they're bread winner but then is also on the teaching to keep women inside and not working, making money because it's not your duty like the system just set up to not give you any freedom, unless you're a man. No you're wrong now women can work but then it's still not seen as the same, like women are so weak emotionally and they're not that smart anyway. Misogynistic things are still there and yeah if you have that freedom good for you because the things I want to do is never okay from the beginning.

And I give up to those dream because it's already too late now and so hard learning everything makes me so sick of myself. No support and because of the on and off existential dread which still I have and just want to get rid of myself, I just don't have any opportunity to even support myself. At least working on something you will look down upon, like waiting the table I just can't even do that now as the religious discrimination get so high and yeah I am old. Here is like if you're 25 its over unless you have grade and not working as retail or anything because there are just so much people and they hire the young and good looking ones (oh and by this country standard I am not, because of the curly hair) so much for any room to just be yourself.

Hmmh. I can sing not that good but maybe voice over? But I don't know where to start. Wish to have some mentor but then it's like you need great equipment to just set up the voice things as you can't just talk but it has to be good. I don't have the microphone or quiet room so... Argh i don't know. I like to rambles cause it's so bleak. And I really wish it just end. It's God's wrath and sure it is on the environment that single out anything other than themselves but claimed to be so loving and peaceful (side note, only to people who share the same belief) and I guess this is true to people who devoted in any religion (if they're so into it, you just finally read and comprehend that's what keeping it alive it's to give everything in your life to it and just ignore anyone if they don't want to have the same value no matter if it's your own bloodline).

Sucks so bad. But god themselves is narcissistic so you can't blame anyone. He's the rightful all knowing all loving and it's your own fault. Wow, so much for all loving part (conditional ofc) so stop bullshitting that god loves all people. No he,they doesn't. If he is no need to fight and war or spreading any religion as it's the only way salvation or truth. But still they can't demonstrate it either. Because he loves you if you're in certain religion only depends on what your parents choose it for you. Other than that it's wrong and they're so plenty out there. No, mine is the truth and yeah ofc it is and so all the religion they all saying the same.

And I respect it but then the ideas are so rooted on every believers and now for people like me, life is just hell. It is. No choice whatsoever and I am sick pretending they're so good when they're not. I was religious myself but I am so open and love everyone but still admit back then that all religions are good but only one is the true ones is mine. So I understand this and speaking from experience.

But then good and bad is so relative. Modesty and all as the world is evolving mentally, and all. Ideas are so powerful if you can bring masses to believe that your idea is the truth and it mostly requires blood and wars so many of it. So an action because yeah words itself have no power. You can say anything you want and they will not listening. If it's an opinion unless it's scientific things and you demonstrate it to masses, it can be qualified, quantified. Then is there any social scientific things? No. That's why maybe back then I should aimed to br chemist. Haha yeah but here ofc science is not that popular you know what's popular? Become preacher and religious organization, teacher is big and making money here. And you get respect and you seen as beautiful living being promised to have beautiful hereafter.

I just realized that not so much science figure and since I was a kid I don't really know what to do anyway, and ofc they're not put so high expectation as I am a girl and now I am suffering because if they had supported me to get me into drawing and all stuff probably I don't even have to be so miserable and make something for myself. They just wish me to be with someone who hold the same principle as them when I don't even like it at all. It's not even option anymore.

That status on my Facebook mostly ngeluuu pusing and etc which if translate in english is just the same as the title. My head is exploding inside. Gosh put an end please.

Somehow this pics of elizabeth calms me down. I think this is like all I ever wanted. Sunbathing in field full of flowers and have a best friend whom I trust and loyal and we have each other forever. What a dream.

#Narcgod